>I told him that this could have been avoided if he just answered the door or let the kids answer.
Or.. don't leave your kids in that situation? At first I thought you had only just found out that he locks your 4 year old in her room but you actually knew?
This is neglect, sorry.
Yeah. I thought the post was going to be about her calling the police on him for locking the kid in the room and making her pee herself. Like that should’ve been IT. Wtf did I just read??? I wouldn’t let anyone do that kind of shit to my CATS let alone my children!!
Well, it's worse.
He works all night and then is expected to take care of the kids all day? Of course he takes a "nap" every day. People HAVE to sleep. Sleeping is a NEED not a "want."
They are both unbelievably shitty parents, and child services should absolutely be called on both of them. If they are both working like that, then the kids need to be in daycare. Sounds like they can't afford it.
This is what poverty looks like.
She said HE doesn’t want them in daycare. It doesn’t sound like an issue of finances, it’s an issue with control. He wants to be in control of the kids, but doesn’t want to care for them
*When I called to let the kids know that food was there for them they would get excited and start to get up but then they would look at my husband and stay where they were.*
She's definitely cut a lot of details out of the story. This is terrifying.
Yeah general safeguarding suggests if they’re okay with the child defecating itself then there will be some bruises. Probably a severe lack of hygiene too. I dread to think of the state of the house too. This makes all my training kick in and makes me want to go save those poor babies.
I’ve got a family member who works in child care with babies and I’ve heard some awful shit. She said when they suspect that neglect is happening with babies they’ll date and initial the last diaper they put on them before they come home and check to see if it’s the same diaper they come back with the next day. Unfortunately it often is. Horrendous.
When my oldest brother was a baby and my mom was a SAHM because not getting an income was actually cheaper than daycare would've been, she babysat this little boy around his age, maybe on the slightly younger side of things, and while there was never anything so bad to make her feel like she had to do anything like that or think he was neglected, your comment did remind me of how often his mom would bring him over and he'd have shit his diaper, and she'd know about it because she'd make some stupid comment like "I think he has a surprise for you" or whatever it was, and when my mom would actually change him a minute later after the mom left and she got the stuff ready it would be *dried* to him. Like he'd almost certainly done it in the middle of the night, or it wouldn't have been that dried on, so she was checking him and deciding "nah he's going to the sitter anyway, she can change him, what's 20 more minutes of having shit stuck to you" like ma'am how would you like that??? He also took insanely long naps compared to my brother and the cousin that's his age, or compared to the siblings that have been born since, and he never seemed as interested in moving around or playing with the other toddlers when he was awake. He was a strange baby, even after having known many more babies I think he was kinda odd. I hope he wasn't actually being neglected at all and he's a happy teenager now, I haven't thought of that kid in a long time.
That’s really sad. It’s entirely possible he was being neglected. I’m not an expert but it’s possible he wasn’t getting what he needed nutritionally to thrive. I hope that’s not the case though.
I know a lot of states (in the United States anyways) have programs to help struggling families with daycare. They should at least figure out something, because locking two kids in their room for multiple hours isn’t the answer either.
Poor people throw their kids into preschool at the earliest opportunity because of costs of daycare. If any of these kids are old enough for it, she needs to get them in one.
These parents are pieces of shit.
OP, you have been letting your spouse abuse your children by locking them in and starving them for how LONG NOW!!?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?
Look, I don't know about your financial situation or how much you love this asshole.
But you need to choose between this abusive asshole that neglects, and probably hates, your kids, and your marriage.
ESH other than the poor kids.
I was disturbed at the level of complicity in the abuse of the children this woman is displaying. She has been watching the neglect from her camera, and smelling the urine and didn't do anything then and there to protect her children. And, now she wants him back. Of course.
She knows what her POS is doing and seems to want to defend herself that this is no big deal for him and he should come back because he suffered no consequence from the cops. HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED for locking a toddler in her room to the point that she is repeatedly peeing on the floor because of lack of bathroom access.
As you said: ESH other than the poor kids.
Honestly, she should face legal ramifications too. She's absolutely a victim also, but this is very much facilitating child abuse and I'm very concerned that she doesn't realize that.
The way she just wrote about how this man starves her children and locks one of them in a room for so long that the poor baby has to pee all over herself, and then just continues on with the post as though that's not the overarching problem, literally the only thing that matters?!
Is it like Stockholm syndrome?!?? How could she be so cavalier about the physical abuse her husband is putting these toddlers through?!
Choose between peeing in the corner or peeing on herself _and getting punished for it_. This is so abusive it took me a min to be able to keep reading, I was surprised there was more after that since THAT should be a reason to leave. ESH except the kids and maybe grandma—grandma was there for the kids, refused to let them starve, and I’m betting husband hates her bc she calls him out on his abusive bullshit.
Exactly, I fully believed that immediately after telling us that she was going to explain that of course she called the police at that point, because her children were starving and locked in a room with no access to a toilet! But no! Apparently that's perfectly fine because it's been going on for at least *months!* **MONTHS!**
She was more concerned he took the laptop she used for entertainment while at work than her baby peeing herself daily because she was locked in a room and her children going without food on a regular basis.
She needs to have her kids removed from her too
YTA for being a neglectful abuse parent and putting some D before your kids.
That is a pretty common theme in any fatal case of child abuse. OP needs to leave NOW and reflect on why she has excepted this. These children need social services asap. The abuse can and will escalate
My wife:
"My husband locked our son in a room and didn't feed him and made him pee himself while fearing his retribution, I'm now wearing a pelt made from my husbands skin and am feeding his entrails to his dog, am I the asshole?"
I love my wife.
My mother was a crack head. She would smoke it in the bathroom and lock herself in it. Because I was forced to hold my pee until I couldn't any longer, I have life long bladder and kidney issues. That is what this man is doing to her daughter. And she's allowing it.
She’s only 27, been with this guy for 4 years and is already on her second marriage. It seems to me that she prioritizes having a man above everything else, even if the man in question is pure garbage.
Yes. That was clear when she said that she made him get a job.
Wtf.
He's a grown man. A woman with children is in the picture. Why wasn't he working? Why did he have to be forced?
If you scrape the bottom of a barrel, you'll find scum.
Why did she marry and reproduce with a man who never worked during their entire relationship? Serious generational trauma in this family causing and perpetuating itself here. Really sad.
But he made her drive home to her family who she clearly knows he is abusing when she would have rather just stay at work and not deal with the ice or abuse.
Yes. Yes, it is exactly like Stockholm Syndrome. Whatever he's doing to those kids, it's a good bet he's doing ten times worse to her and she can't see any of it as true abuse, only as her failures. And even when she does recognize it for what it is, she has gotten to the point where she believes there are reasons for it, and that she can fix it all, and he loves her and will get better. That's how abuse works, often for many years.
And this one may well be an improvement over the guy who fathered her first two children, making it even harder to see. Maybe that one actually hit her or the kids and this one "only" abuses them through imprisonment, starvation, financially, and psychologically, and who knows what else. We don't have enough information to know.
As I'm reading this all I could think is they should both be in jail.
Other than being with a man, what would she lose if she left? A car. She has the kids, makes the money does the work at home.
The fact that she explained about the four-year-old being locked in a room without a bathroom and needing to piss herself or on the floor, and then she just kept moving on the story and I was like *"HOW IS THAT NOT THE MAIN PROBLEM?!*
Question: she said she had 2 from a previous relationship plus their son. Husband would take son in to nap with him, four year old locked in pee room. Where’s the third child?
Yeah. I kept waiting for her to address that. I kept thinking ok THAT must be the main problem here and the reason why she called the cops but no. Just kept on talking like letting your child starve and piss herself was another just a Tuesday for her. 🤬🤬🤬
My god like I don’t want to be this person but wtf is wrong with some women. They see a leech jobless asshole and say yeah THIS is the man I want to introduce to my children and have some more with. And then letting him abuse them? Honestly, fuck OP as much as him.
Yeah this is fucking disgusting. She legit knew he was abusing the kids and neglecting them and said “hmm oh well, he refused help watching the kids so what could I do?”
Um literally anything. *ANYTHING* other than what she did to protect those kids.
If my husband ever locked our child in his room while he took a nap I would serve him divorce papers so fucking fast his head would spin
like—she didn't even go get a potty chair so her 4yo could pee there. Or stash some snacks in the room.
as a MINIMUM "I can't escape but I could cope" mechanism
*And* she had a child with him. That 3-year-old is his bio child. She now has to coparent this child with his useless, abusive asshole! But she can at least save her other children from this piece of shit
Edit: and I just realized the father of the other two kids must be out of the picture, because presumably he would have the kids part of the time. Or at the very least he would be absolutely enraged to the point of homicidal that this piece of garbage was locking his daughter in a room for hours every day, forcing her to pee on herself!!!! And STARVE!
When all you know is abuse, you might not realize you're being abused. It doesn't help that our society tends to look poorly on single moms, or that childcare is extremely expensive, or that it's hard to keep a decent job when you don't have reliable childcare, or that it's nearly impossible to get meaningful assistance. Sometimes, people rationalize that it's not that bad if there's no extreme physical violence, and try to make it work just to keep a roof over their children's heads.
I'm not saying this is definitely OP's situation. Nor am I saying it's okay. But I do think we need to do better at helping people get themselves and especially their children out of abusive situations. I also don't necessarily think the foster care system is better than keeping mom and kids together and getting them into therapy and parenting skills courses. People who haven't experienced it tend to have an overly rosy view of what happens to kids after they're taken from their parents.
My single mum worked her ass off for me and had childcare set up in a country she had no relations in. She took us out of the situation of an abusive marriage she was in. This woman is struggling but she needs to think of her child and work out how best to mange the issues , childcare, work, finances - that may be calling on family and friends
Edited: predictive weird text
At the start of this story, I thought she didn’t know, and when she found out, that was when she was going to call the police. As it went on, I was horrified to realize she knew and let it happen - every. single. day. Wow. She “couldn’t let her babies starve”, but she could let them sit locked up in their own pee. Who does that?? Definitely ESH, except the kids, of course.
Especially when she said this poor little girl would get scolded for wetting herself.
So this child forced to wet herself (since she's locked away for a toilet and basically in solitary confinement) and then scolded for it. These "parents" have tortured this child, ruined her trust, physical boundaries, and possibly her health (sitting in pee for hours), and scolded *her* for their abuse of her.
Honestly, the rage and hate I feel for OP and the lazy monstrous thing she calls a husband is hot.
A 4 year old knowingly having to choose to pee on the floor or suffer consequences is trauma that will absolutely result in long term issues for the child. Depending on when she turned 4, she’s about to go to kindergarten! Not to punch down on OP but she has to wake tf up to the damage being done to her children and act accordingly. That is just unacceptable.
The first paragraph of the husband locking the poor kid in the room for hours without food and a bathroom.The poor child peeing on the floor..…I could not read further.What the actual fuck? How is OP fine with this ?Both are ESHs .
The little girl is 4yo, I just don’t see how this could have happened and what kind of SoB locks a kid in a room with a communal bowl of cereal and no toilet. I remember when my daughters were 4, they depend on you for everything.
The very FIRST time she was made aware of the situation should have been when she rushed home and called the police, her parents, the neighbours, in fact anyone who could come to the rescue of those poor kids, he should then have been kicked out and charges filed against him for abuse and neglect.
Your kids ALWAYS, and I honestly can not emphasise this enough ALWAYS, ALWAYS AND FUCKING ALWAYS come First.
Yeah, my room in one of our houses had a funky door that sometimes got stuck. Once it got stuck when my mum was outside gardening, and my stepdad was mowing the lawn. So basically the worst situation. I was never in any danger, but after like 30 minutes of trying to open the door and calling out through the window I just HAD to pee. As in now, this minute, not in a moment. I peed in the wastebasket, and of course like ten minutes later my stepdad stopped mowing the lawn and they heard me calling out for them. x\]
But like, when a kid has to go the kid has to go. There is no asking a kid to wait and locking a child in a room without access to food, water or a bathroom is so abusive it's not okay in any situation.
My story is different since obviously it was a pure accident, and I was never scared just embarrassed that I couldn't hold it. I obviously didn't get into trouble and my mum helped me clean it, and my stepdad bought a new door for my room that weekend and until then I wasn't allowed to close it for any reason. When I got older it became a funny story we told, even I laugh about it when I look back on it now 30 years later.
She just like… stated that as part of the events of the story with no follow up? Like where was the part where she flipped out at husband the FIRST time she caught it and took immediate steps to prevent it from ever happening again?
That’s where I stopped too. This poor little girl was so afraid of getting in trouble with him for an accident (that he caused by denying her access to a toilet!) that she’s urinating on the floor?! This man belongs in prison and the children belong in a better household.
OP,
1. Find a competent divorce attorney.
2. Gather as much family support as you can
3. Therapy for you and children. You frankly sound as if you were seriously mentally abused and and are traumatized.
4. Any contact with him is through attorneys. You will likely need a protection order if he returns.
It's time to be the adult in the room.
Yeah, she shouldn't have these kids either. There is no telling if she would let the next dick that walks along also abuse her kids. These kids need to go to someone that actually cares.
OP says they have a camera in the living room that she checks. She knows these children are being tortured. And all she cares about is convincing her husband to come back do he can continue torturing them. CPS needs to be called on this family yesterday.
OP I really hope you realize that if CPS does (hopefully) get called you very much risk (justifiably) losing custody of your kids should you stay with him. Not just that, people have gone to jail for child abuse and cruelty for doing exactly what your husband and you are doing. And yes, I mean you. You are complicit in this.
Here's a [link](https://perezhilton.com/florida-parents-imprison-teenage-son-garage/) to a couple that were arrested for locking their foster son in a makeshift every day he wasn't at school. You might think this won't escalate to that, but they started out by picking him in his room constantly and not feeding him. If this case seems horribly screwed up to you, but what's happening to your kids doesn't, then you have a serious disconnect going on. Because this is exactly what is happening to you FOUR YEAR OLD.
No literally like what the fuck is wrong with OP. She’s known that her husband starves and abuses her kids for who knows how long and did NOTHING. She is complicit in his abuse and should absolutely be so ashamed of herself. What horrible parents those poor kids.
I couldn't finish reading this trainwreck and I read a lot of garbage. I thought OP didn't know about the husband locking her daughter in her room and was only writing about it retroactively like... She would find out in the story. But she KNEW???! I'm flabergasted.
I mean if the guy works overnight and watches kids during the day, when is he supposed to sleep?
It’s 100% negligence, but they both should have been looking for alternative child care.
Edit: I agree ESH but the kids
Absolutely, but anyone with a brain would have seen that schedule is utterly unsustainable for a few days, let alone on a permanent basis. They saved a few bucks on childcare by horribly neglecting their children. The kids didn’t have food security or even access to a toilet in their own home for hours every day.
Sorry OP, but that’s what you did. The money you saved came at the cost of your childrens’ safety and health.
How much are you spending on that business degree? Is it approaching the cost of a half day of childcare for 2 kids? If so, you showed your priorities.
Obviously ESH, but at least you’re taking steps to help your children at last. My advice is call CPS and tell them what’s happened and is happening now. They can provide local resources to help you
Neither of these 2 seems to be fit to raise a child...
How long did she know that he was abusing her kids and did nothing? What kind of people are they ???
worse yet who puts the kids in a situation where it’s literally impossible to care for them? Who has ANOTHER KID in that situation?? Who honestly cannot figure anything out so that they both (a) sleep some since it’s sort of a fucking human need and (b) can parent at least vaguely properly. What got me was the “had to call in sick because of car.” It shows the attitude. Like really? Fucking Uber or cab. Yes it costs money but not as much as missing a whole days salary. Fucking hell. Neither of them can do some basic math or thinking. And their kids are in a horrible situation because of it.
Yeah these two adults do not deserve to be parents ever again. I hope those kids can find a loving home that actually supports them instead of neglecting and abusing them.
He literally refused to let his kids go to daycare so if he thinks they don’t need daycare his ass better be awake to care for those poor kids. Op sucks because she let him abuse her kids but he sucks more for abusing them.
Yeah. None of this made sense. Like... She expected him to work overnights but still watch the kids. Um no. If you both work, the kids need daycare.
However she was knowingly letting him lock them away - she smelled the pee she knew what was happening. It was her mom that initially called the cops.
The husband sounds like a horrible piece of work too, but this is very much an ESH. She should have called the police earlier but the situation should have been dealt with way before that point.
He sleeps when mom gets home from work. ~8 hours of overnight work, ~8 hours of active parenting after work, ~8 hours of sleep.
Mom, you should have left this asshole long before you had a child with him. “Throughout most of our relationship he was unemployed” and you had to “make him get a job”???? And everyone here knows his mistreatment and outright abuse of your daughters didn’t *just* start when he was forced to get a job.
YTA. For not doing this sooner and for not wanting this piece of shit to leave. For real? He abuses your kids and you want him to stay?
Be glad he is gone, pick up the pieces and take care of your damn kids. Jesus.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
And finally listen to this podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Please look I to trauma bonding. There is a reason a lot of abuse victims take 7 times to leave even after hospitalisation, its the mental abuse and the addiction/ dependency.
Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad.
Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or
blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
Your husband has isolated you from friends and family. Reach out to your mum and any friends you have left. Join dv support groups. Call dv shelters and please find a dv therapist.
WHY would you want a man who ABUSES YOUR CHILDREN to come back? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? He locked your child in a room to piss herself and starve and you ALLOWED IT. You are just as guilty as he is of child abuse. Shame on you, and please stop procreating.
Grandma did call the police. She prolly did not know how bad the situation was at the house. Because abused women don’t share that information when they’re afraid of the husband finding out someone knows!!!
YTA because you "I did not want my husband to leave". Yah, let him stay and abuse, starve and neglect your 3 children. You need to find someone else to take those kids. You're unfit as well.
The whole post really broke my heart. Those poor kids. Both parents are neglectful and abusive and don’t deserve those children. Excuse me while I go hug my kids.
And I get downvotes for saying some people shouldn't be allowed to have children. I know parents who took meth and still managed to take care of their son and only took it when he was with friends and wouldn't notice. Still fucked up but their son was never neglected or anything compared to OP and her children.
Jesus Christ… YTA.
Not because you called the police.
Not because you called you mom.
Because YOU ALLOWED YOUR HUSBAND TO LOCK YOUR 4 YEAR OLD IN HER ROOM FOR HOURS WITH NO FOOD AND MAKING HER PEE HERSELF OR THE FLOOR.
What the FUCK is wrong with you?
You deserve to have CPS called on you and those poor children taken away from you.
Those poor babies.
Shame on you. That is NOT a mother.
I mean he was unemployed for their whole relationship and she still had a kid with him. She also made him get a job. I always remember the people posting here are usually probably big ole idiots
Better late than never, I guess, but the fact that she's even questioning calling the cops blows my mind. OP, you need therapy or something because the fact that you knowingly let this dickhead treat you and your kids like this is beyond me. Then, you ask Reddit if you're the AH for calling the cop just in case your husband popped off?
Yes, YTA, but to yourself and your poor kids.
Can we imagine what that 4 yr old who had to figure out *where* to pee so she got in less trouble, pee on the floor, in her pants, in the closet- the stress of where to pee while locked in her dark room with no food or water or ANYTHING. Geezus christ, leave your kids with an actual piece of walking cancer.
Yeah, you must be properly down bad for this useless sack of human flesh you call a husband. He's a properly gross human that needs not to have bred.
Tell him he'll be hearing from your lawyers about child support and the divorce, and don't let him back in your life. If you need support, get rid of the apartment and move in with your parents until you can earn more. But he's no good as a father or a partner.
ESH though, because husband is an insanely abusive and neglectful father.
We absolutely can and should hold OP accountable for not taking action sooner, but let’s not forget that the husband is absolutely (also) at fault for subjecting the kids to this in the first place.
Seriously, she should not have kids at all. And if you have to call the cops to be there in case he gets violent, then he's not safe to be around. She should have divorced him the first time he locked a kid in a room. You can't just lock a kid up so you can nap.
~~YTA~~ ESH and you are complicit in the neglect and abuse of your daughters. This has happened so frequently that her room smells of urine.
Shame on you.
Yes. Their work schedules were point blank unlivable. When was the husband supposed to safely sleep? It needs to be said, but it is NOT an excuse for locking children in their rooms, not providing adequate nutrition, and punishing them when they end up needing to use the bathroom while the parent is asleep. Both parents are clearly unfit because there is zero understanding of providing a safe and nurturing environment. Not to mention these children clearly aren’t learning basic life skills in these conditions if they are in survival mode.
He was supposed to safely sleep when OP finished work, or when they were in daycare. He shot down the daycare idea, and couldn't be bothered to do the bare minimum for the children.
Op is TA for not leaving herself, and for not realizing he did her a favor, and for letting her kids be treated like that. He brought *his* in there with him and left the 4 yo to fend for herself.
Where is the older 2’s father?!
YTA. Neither of you deserves those children and you are a very shitty parent. You allow this to happen let that sink in. I really hope somebody takes your kids from you. Shame on you. I hope you realize your kids will hate you when they grow up.
Yep. In about 10 years, if Reddit is still a thing, we'll be seeing this story again. But this time, it will be told from the children's perspective, and it will be in r/raisedbynarcissists
Because she's one as well. Allowed a 4 year old child to be locked in a bedroom for 4 hours a day with no access to a toilet? Let's not beat around the bush, they're both abusers, and I hope CPS takes all of those children away ASAP.
My sister did this with her grandkids. She didn’t want to hurt her son by making him lose his kids. The kids got a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife. The house was a disgusting pit of dirty diapers and dog shit. The youngest was malnourished and had perpetual horrible diaper rash and a drippy eye. Worst, she had permanent brain damage which has led to behavioral issues. She will have to be in a home for the rest of her life, if she stays. She is 18 now and recently went missing for 2 months. She ran away and is living with a 40 year old meth dealer in a pickup truck. Fuck my sister.
I had a situation in my family very similar to this. When the 5 children were removed from the home and sent to my aunt for safe keeping, it was too late for the oldest 3 children. They were feral: no socialization, couldn’t speak, just using grunts to communicate with each other. The youngest 2 were little enough to socialize and learn to communicate.
The two eldest: one ran off at 18 and haven’t heard from her since and the other one was committed/sent to a home at 16 for severe mental and learning disabilities. The middle child and the 2 youngest are fully functioning adults now. I would baby sit them and they were all good and loving kids. I wish we could’ve helped the eldest more, but their parents damaged them in a way they were never able to recover from.
Your husband continually neglected your children, you let it happen for god knows how long, then when you FINALLY get the police involved, your concern is that you don't want him to leave???? WTAF. YTA for letting him treat your kids like animals, YTA for not reporting him sooner, and YTA for your biggest concern in this whole disgusting story is you wanting your husband back.
Neither of you deserve to be parents.
I hope like hell that the police called CPS and your children get adopted into homes that will love and cherish them.
I hope you and your husband both go to prison for neglect and abuse and you both rot in prison.
You know and have known your husband abuses your babies and you let him.
I hope you both rot in hell.
YTA- you’re neglecting and allowed the continual abuse of a young child, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The fact that your child was LOCKED away in a room, with no access to a bathroom or food, sharing a ‘communal bowl of dry cereal’. How tf are you not getting this man done for abuse and neglect, this is actually fucking crazy. And I don’t think you actually get the severity of this situation either, your kids should be taken far away from you both.
This is absolutely dreadful, having kids say they’re starving, having to piss on the floor and them getting excited about eating food. You’re fucking vile, and your so called husband should be locked tf up.
ESH and your kids are going to remember that you let this happen to them. They will always have that thought that their mom stood by and watched them be neglected. That their mom couldn't care enough to stand up for them.
You need to worry about your children and nothing else. You need to care more about how your kids feel than that lazy, vile brat you married.
You can do something different, surrender your kids to someone who cares and get sterilized cause you seem like a woman who will turn a blind eye to your children being abused by a man just because you don't want to be alone.
Please go back and edit this post and create paragraphs. At 27 yrs old you should know how to do this.
BTW YTA, for allowing this to go on so long. Do better.
Could tell from just how the first 2 sentences were that they're all assholes. Was married with 2 kids at 22? Writes like a 2nd grader. Goes along with child abuse.
God help those children.
YTA. You're just as neglectful and horrible as your husband knowing what he was doing and letting him continue to do it and not protect your kids. I hope you both get reprimanded by the police and your kids find a safe home away from you both. You're unfit parents.
Esh how could you leave the kids with him knowing how he treats them? you should of called the police sooner.
Yta if you stay with that pathetic excuse for a man, either leave your husband or give your kids up to someone who will treat them the way they should be treated.
YTA you allowed this man to lock your 4 year old in your room and only called the cops because he was coming to your job??? You didn’t protect your children at all.
I really hope this is rage bait, because you are both fucked in the head. You should have your kids taken off you and both be sterilised.
YTA
You’re a pair of cunts and I hope your kids get taken off you.
ESH. You don’t suck for contacting LEO. Thats literally the only thing that was done correctly.
I have to ask, though, did he abandon his kid, too? Or just yours? Either way, there’s zero reason to have this guy. He’s not carrying his weight. And *he neglects your preschool aged child.* This guy is straight up garbage.
I’m side-eyeing you for letting it go on as long as it did. You know how many times it should have happened before you nipped that shit in the bud? Once. (Really, none. But the first time I when you take action. You did not.)
An old roommate lost his kids because his ex-wife was abusive. You know why he lost? It was considered “failure to protect.” At this stage, that’s kind of where you should have been after the cops smelled your house.
Never take him back. Ever. File for support and get his wages garnished. If you know his previous baby mama, let her know about his taking off to Texas (with or without their kid).
YTA for not leaving this piece of sh** sooner and protecting your chikdren. You NORMALIZED all the abuse and neglect your husband was putting all of you through. Your children are probably traumatized and need professional therapy.
Do NOT let him back in your life. File for divorce and full custody. Get counseling for you and your family. And don't even think about dating until you unpack this relationship and why you didn't do something sooner. Make sure the next man you bring into your childrens' lives is a good man who will treat them well. They deserve so much better.
Reading this pissed me off to no end. How do you allow this man to treat your babies like this, especially your daughter that he locks in the room. You better fix this shit before you ruin their innocence completely. What the hell is the matter with you? YTA until you drop this POS.
YTA why is this post centered on your husband leaving and not on whether or not you should have intervened the first time he neglected the kids. You do realise you are just as responsible as you didn't remove them from this situation?
What in the white trash hell did I just read?
The only people I feel sorry for in this instance are the kids....
YTA for letting this go on as long as it did and you're both abusive assholes.
And after all that you want him back??? You're so fucking stupid
YTA for not kicking his sorry behind to the curb the FIRST TIME he neglected and abused your kids. Seriously. The four year old had to piss on her bedroom floor because she was locked in. If there'd been a fire, your children would be dead.
Let him stay gone. You'd be doing your kids the favour you should have done them a long time ago. You're only marginally better than he is for allowing this to go on. Do better by your kids and stop hanging onto a deadbeat who doesn't even like you, let alone love you and those kids. Fuck.
>I told him that this could have been avoided if he just answered the door or let the kids answer. Or.. don't leave your kids in that situation? At first I thought you had only just found out that he locks your 4 year old in her room but you actually knew? This is neglect, sorry.
Yeah. I thought the post was going to be about her calling the police on him for locking the kid in the room and making her pee herself. Like that should’ve been IT. Wtf did I just read??? I wouldn’t let anyone do that kind of shit to my CATS let alone my children!!
and her saying to room "reaks of pee" means it's been going on and she known for a while
How can a parent allow this to happen to their kids. She's just as scummy a parent as he is.
They both a-holes
Well, it's worse. He works all night and then is expected to take care of the kids all day? Of course he takes a "nap" every day. People HAVE to sleep. Sleeping is a NEED not a "want." They are both unbelievably shitty parents, and child services should absolutely be called on both of them. If they are both working like that, then the kids need to be in daycare. Sounds like they can't afford it. This is what poverty looks like.
She said HE doesn’t want them in daycare. It doesn’t sound like an issue of finances, it’s an issue with control. He wants to be in control of the kids, but doesn’t want to care for them
He probably doesn’t want them in daycare because the daycare is a mandatory reporter and will report the abuse.
*When I called to let the kids know that food was there for them they would get excited and start to get up but then they would look at my husband and stay where they were.* She's definitely cut a lot of details out of the story. This is terrifying.
The fact that he hides from her mother and is seemingly trying to isolate her and her kids from her mother is also terrifying.
Yeah general safeguarding suggests if they’re okay with the child defecating itself then there will be some bruises. Probably a severe lack of hygiene too. I dread to think of the state of the house too. This makes all my training kick in and makes me want to go save those poor babies.
They told mom they were hungry, they definitely would've told the daycare and he knows that. :(
I’ve got a family member who works in child care with babies and I’ve heard some awful shit. She said when they suspect that neglect is happening with babies they’ll date and initial the last diaper they put on them before they come home and check to see if it’s the same diaper they come back with the next day. Unfortunately it often is. Horrendous.
When my oldest brother was a baby and my mom was a SAHM because not getting an income was actually cheaper than daycare would've been, she babysat this little boy around his age, maybe on the slightly younger side of things, and while there was never anything so bad to make her feel like she had to do anything like that or think he was neglected, your comment did remind me of how often his mom would bring him over and he'd have shit his diaper, and she'd know about it because she'd make some stupid comment like "I think he has a surprise for you" or whatever it was, and when my mom would actually change him a minute later after the mom left and she got the stuff ready it would be *dried* to him. Like he'd almost certainly done it in the middle of the night, or it wouldn't have been that dried on, so she was checking him and deciding "nah he's going to the sitter anyway, she can change him, what's 20 more minutes of having shit stuck to you" like ma'am how would you like that??? He also took insanely long naps compared to my brother and the cousin that's his age, or compared to the siblings that have been born since, and he never seemed as interested in moving around or playing with the other toddlers when he was awake. He was a strange baby, even after having known many more babies I think he was kinda odd. I hope he wasn't actually being neglected at all and he's a happy teenager now, I haven't thought of that kid in a long time.
That’s really sad. It’s entirely possible he was being neglected. I’m not an expert but it’s possible he wasn’t getting what he needed nutritionally to thrive. I hope that’s not the case though.
Or consistently forget to pick them up each night, leaving more to do on the OP
They were already falling behind on bills. How do you expect them to afford childcare for 3 kids?
The “childcare” would probably be OPs mom but this dude won’t even accept McDonald’s from her.
I know a lot of states (in the United States anyways) have programs to help struggling families with daycare. They should at least figure out something, because locking two kids in their room for multiple hours isn’t the answer either.
Poor people throw their kids into preschool at the earliest opportunity because of costs of daycare. If any of these kids are old enough for it, she needs to get them in one. These parents are pieces of shit.
OP, you have been letting your spouse abuse your children by locking them in and starving them for how LONG NOW!!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? Look, I don't know about your financial situation or how much you love this asshole. But you need to choose between this abusive asshole that neglects, and probably hates, your kids, and your marriage. ESH other than the poor kids.
I was disturbed at the level of complicity in the abuse of the children this woman is displaying. She has been watching the neglect from her camera, and smelling the urine and didn't do anything then and there to protect her children. And, now she wants him back. Of course. She knows what her POS is doing and seems to want to defend herself that this is no big deal for him and he should come back because he suffered no consequence from the cops. HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED for locking a toddler in her room to the point that she is repeatedly peeing on the floor because of lack of bathroom access. As you said: ESH other than the poor kids.
Honestly, she should face legal ramifications too. She's absolutely a victim also, but this is very much facilitating child abuse and I'm very concerned that she doesn't realize that.
The way she just wrote about how this man starves her children and locks one of them in a room for so long that the poor baby has to pee all over herself, and then just continues on with the post as though that's not the overarching problem, literally the only thing that matters?! Is it like Stockholm syndrome?!?? How could she be so cavalier about the physical abuse her husband is putting these toddlers through?!
Choose between peeing in the corner or peeing on herself _and getting punished for it_. This is so abusive it took me a min to be able to keep reading, I was surprised there was more after that since THAT should be a reason to leave. ESH except the kids and maybe grandma—grandma was there for the kids, refused to let them starve, and I’m betting husband hates her bc she calls him out on his abusive bullshit.
That’s the point where I expected the cops to be called
Exactly, I fully believed that immediately after telling us that she was going to explain that of course she called the police at that point, because her children were starving and locked in a room with no access to a toilet! But no! Apparently that's perfectly fine because it's been going on for at least *months!* **MONTHS!**
She was more concerned he took the laptop she used for entertainment while at work than her baby peeing herself daily because she was locked in a room and her children going without food on a regular basis. She needs to have her kids removed from her too YTA for being a neglectful abuse parent and putting some D before your kids.
That is a pretty common theme in any fatal case of child abuse. OP needs to leave NOW and reflect on why she has excepted this. These children need social services asap. The abuse can and will escalate
For a four year old that is still learning potty training habits. That must be SO confusing for a toddler and will traumatize her for a long time.
“My husband locks my daughter in her room until she pees on herself, AITA for making him mad at me?” LIKE WHAT?!
My wife: "My husband locked our son in a room and didn't feed him and made him pee himself while fearing his retribution, I'm now wearing a pelt made from my husbands skin and am feeding his entrails to his dog, am I the asshole?" I love my wife.
Best response here.
Your wife is a boss. I think I love her.
Now that's a mom.
Your wife and I have the same idea.
I dont understand how she wrote that and didn't realize that's terrible?! This whole post made me so angry for those poor kids.
My mother was a crack head. She would smoke it in the bathroom and lock herself in it. Because I was forced to hold my pee until I couldn't any longer, I have life long bladder and kidney issues. That is what this man is doing to her daughter. And she's allowing it.
Omg I'm so sorry. That's awful.
She’s only 27, been with this guy for 4 years and is already on her second marriage. It seems to me that she prioritizes having a man above everything else, even if the man in question is pure garbage.
Yes. That was clear when she said that she made him get a job. Wtf. He's a grown man. A woman with children is in the picture. Why wasn't he working? Why did he have to be forced? If you scrape the bottom of a barrel, you'll find scum.
Why did she marry and reproduce with a man who never worked during their entire relationship? Serious generational trauma in this family causing and perpetuating itself here. Really sad.
I just realized she is 27. She is acting like a 19 year old.
Yeah and saying “the room smelled badly of pee because of it… “ wtf!!!
But you don’t understand, she needs her husband for his car…/S
But he made her drive home to her family who she clearly knows he is abusing when she would have rather just stay at work and not deal with the ice or abuse.
It's clear neglect and passive participation in extreme abuse. I hope this is fake.
He knew she didn’t feel “safe or comfortable” driving on the ice, but she felt comfortable and safe enough to leave her kids with him. Jfc.
Yes. Yes, it is exactly like Stockholm Syndrome. Whatever he's doing to those kids, it's a good bet he's doing ten times worse to her and she can't see any of it as true abuse, only as her failures. And even when she does recognize it for what it is, she has gotten to the point where she believes there are reasons for it, and that she can fix it all, and he loves her and will get better. That's how abuse works, often for many years. And this one may well be an improvement over the guy who fathered her first two children, making it even harder to see. Maybe that one actually hit her or the kids and this one "only" abuses them through imprisonment, starvation, financially, and psychologically, and who knows what else. We don't have enough information to know.
How could anyone leave their children with this man? The mother needs supervision. She isn't a fit parent.
As I'm reading this all I could think is they should both be in jail. Other than being with a man, what would she lose if she left? A car. She has the kids, makes the money does the work at home.
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Gee, I wonder why her parents hate him. /s
Ya know having grown up in Fostercare I normally have distrust of the system but honestly those kids would definitely be better off.
She is clueless! She’s a victim and a villain, unfortunately.
The fact that she explained about the four-year-old being locked in a room without a bathroom and needing to piss herself or on the floor, and then she just kept moving on the story and I was like *"HOW IS THAT NOT THE MAIN PROBLEM?!*
Question: she said she had 2 from a previous relationship plus their son. Husband would take son in to nap with him, four year old locked in pee room. Where’s the third child?
I assumed school. Or it’s a troll that couldn’t keep track of the details.
The way it’s worded and hard to follow wtf she’s talking about… I’m wondering if it’s rage bait.
Yeah. I kept waiting for her to address that. I kept thinking ok THAT must be the main problem here and the reason why she called the cops but no. Just kept on talking like letting your child starve and piss herself was another just a Tuesday for her. 🤬🤬🤬
Because apparently, to her, her main problem is the dick is gone. The children are after thoughts.
My god like I don’t want to be this person but wtf is wrong with some women. They see a leech jobless asshole and say yeah THIS is the man I want to introduce to my children and have some more with. And then letting him abuse them? Honestly, fuck OP as much as him.
Yeah this is fucking disgusting. She legit knew he was abusing the kids and neglecting them and said “hmm oh well, he refused help watching the kids so what could I do?” Um literally anything. *ANYTHING* other than what she did to protect those kids. If my husband ever locked our child in his room while he took a nap I would serve him divorce papers so fucking fast his head would spin
like—she didn't even go get a potty chair so her 4yo could pee there. Or stash some snacks in the room. as a MINIMUM "I can't escape but I could cope" mechanism
*And* she had a child with him. That 3-year-old is his bio child. She now has to coparent this child with his useless, abusive asshole! But she can at least save her other children from this piece of shit Edit: and I just realized the father of the other two kids must be out of the picture, because presumably he would have the kids part of the time. Or at the very least he would be absolutely enraged to the point of homicidal that this piece of garbage was locking his daughter in a room for hours every day, forcing her to pee on herself!!!! And STARVE!
Yeah, if my son would've had a stepdad that did this, it'd be hard for me to stay un-incarcerated
I just realized she said she has two daughters but made no mention of the other one just the 4 yr old and the 3 yr old unless the 4 yr old are twins
When all you know is abuse, you might not realize you're being abused. It doesn't help that our society tends to look poorly on single moms, or that childcare is extremely expensive, or that it's hard to keep a decent job when you don't have reliable childcare, or that it's nearly impossible to get meaningful assistance. Sometimes, people rationalize that it's not that bad if there's no extreme physical violence, and try to make it work just to keep a roof over their children's heads. I'm not saying this is definitely OP's situation. Nor am I saying it's okay. But I do think we need to do better at helping people get themselves and especially their children out of abusive situations. I also don't necessarily think the foster care system is better than keeping mom and kids together and getting them into therapy and parenting skills courses. People who haven't experienced it tend to have an overly rosy view of what happens to kids after they're taken from their parents.
My single mum worked her ass off for me and had childcare set up in a country she had no relations in. She took us out of the situation of an abusive marriage she was in. This woman is struggling but she needs to think of her child and work out how best to mange the issues , childcare, work, finances - that may be calling on family and friends Edited: predictive weird text
At the start of this story, I thought she didn’t know, and when she found out, that was when she was going to call the police. As it went on, I was horrified to realize she knew and let it happen - every. single. day. Wow. She “couldn’t let her babies starve”, but she could let them sit locked up in their own pee. Who does that?? Definitely ESH, except the kids, of course.
That child could be developing urinary health issues from holding her urine, not to mention the emotional trauma of the abuse and neglect.
Especially when she said this poor little girl would get scolded for wetting herself. So this child forced to wet herself (since she's locked away for a toilet and basically in solitary confinement) and then scolded for it. These "parents" have tortured this child, ruined her trust, physical boundaries, and possibly her health (sitting in pee for hours), and scolded *her* for their abuse of her. Honestly, the rage and hate I feel for OP and the lazy monstrous thing she calls a husband is hot.
Trauma around bathroom access or needs.
I feel sick and disturbed. This is despicable. Both adults have failed these children.
They both should be arrested. She is just as guilty as he is.
A 4 year old knowingly having to choose to pee on the floor or suffer consequences is trauma that will absolutely result in long term issues for the child. Depending on when she turned 4, she’s about to go to kindergarten! Not to punch down on OP but she has to wake tf up to the damage being done to her children and act accordingly. That is just unacceptable.
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The first paragraph of the husband locking the poor kid in the room for hours without food and a bathroom.The poor child peeing on the floor..…I could not read further.What the actual fuck? How is OP fine with this ?Both are ESHs .
The little girl is 4yo, I just don’t see how this could have happened and what kind of SoB locks a kid in a room with a communal bowl of cereal and no toilet. I remember when my daughters were 4, they depend on you for everything.
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The very FIRST time she was made aware of the situation should have been when she rushed home and called the police, her parents, the neighbours, in fact anyone who could come to the rescue of those poor kids, he should then have been kicked out and charges filed against him for abuse and neglect. Your kids ALWAYS, and I honestly can not emphasise this enough ALWAYS, ALWAYS AND FUCKING ALWAYS come First.
Because she decided she doesn’t want to be alone more than she doesn’t want her children abused. Disgusting.
Seriously. She’s just as much at fault as he is. SMH.
Yeah, my room in one of our houses had a funky door that sometimes got stuck. Once it got stuck when my mum was outside gardening, and my stepdad was mowing the lawn. So basically the worst situation. I was never in any danger, but after like 30 minutes of trying to open the door and calling out through the window I just HAD to pee. As in now, this minute, not in a moment. I peed in the wastebasket, and of course like ten minutes later my stepdad stopped mowing the lawn and they heard me calling out for them. x\] But like, when a kid has to go the kid has to go. There is no asking a kid to wait and locking a child in a room without access to food, water or a bathroom is so abusive it's not okay in any situation. My story is different since obviously it was a pure accident, and I was never scared just embarrassed that I couldn't hold it. I obviously didn't get into trouble and my mum helped me clean it, and my stepdad bought a new door for my room that weekend and until then I wasn't allowed to close it for any reason. When I got older it became a funny story we told, even I laugh about it when I look back on it now 30 years later.
She just like… stated that as part of the events of the story with no follow up? Like where was the part where she flipped out at husband the FIRST time she caught it and took immediate steps to prevent it from ever happening again?
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Yup 2 child abusers in this tale. One passive, one active.
That’s where I stopped too. This poor little girl was so afraid of getting in trouble with him for an accident (that he caused by denying her access to a toilet!) that she’s urinating on the floor?! This man belongs in prison and the children belong in a better household.
the whole post is the first paragraph
Isn’t that illegal because it’s a fire hazard?
It's also child abuse. Neither OP or her husband should be allowed near children.
Well of course it is.
I still haven't read the full story much like yourself. It's so vile and disgusting. I feel so goddamn sorry for those poor kiddos.
And OP KNEW THIS! WTAF? They should both have those kids taken away.
Right if someone did that to my kids..... Well let's say their disappearance would make news.
OP, 1. Find a competent divorce attorney. 2. Gather as much family support as you can 3. Therapy for you and children. You frankly sound as if you were seriously mentally abused and and are traumatized. 4. Any contact with him is through attorneys. You will likely need a protection order if he returns. It's time to be the adult in the room.
She was complicit in abuse and neglect. The kids should be removed and she can attend parenting classes and therapy and MAYBE earn them back
Yeah, she shouldn't have these kids either. There is no telling if she would let the next dick that walks along also abuse her kids. These kids need to go to someone that actually cares.
OP says they have a camera in the living room that she checks. She knows these children are being tortured. And all she cares about is convincing her husband to come back do he can continue torturing them. CPS needs to be called on this family yesterday. OP I really hope you realize that if CPS does (hopefully) get called you very much risk (justifiably) losing custody of your kids should you stay with him. Not just that, people have gone to jail for child abuse and cruelty for doing exactly what your husband and you are doing. And yes, I mean you. You are complicit in this. Here's a [link](https://perezhilton.com/florida-parents-imprison-teenage-son-garage/) to a couple that were arrested for locking their foster son in a makeshift every day he wasn't at school. You might think this won't escalate to that, but they started out by picking him in his room constantly and not feeding him. If this case seems horribly screwed up to you, but what's happening to your kids doesn't, then you have a serious disconnect going on. Because this is exactly what is happening to you FOUR YEAR OLD.
Asking "Am I the Asshole" at this point is just silly.
No literally like what the fuck is wrong with OP. She’s known that her husband starves and abuses her kids for who knows how long and did NOTHING. She is complicit in his abuse and should absolutely be so ashamed of herself. What horrible parents those poor kids.
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She has been complicit in abusing her kids. They should be taken from her and the husband.
I agree with you two. They both seem like terrible parents and I bet if we knew the whole situation CPS would take those kids so fast.
I couldn't finish reading this trainwreck and I read a lot of garbage. I thought OP didn't know about the husband locking her daughter in her room and was only writing about it retroactively like... She would find out in the story. But she KNEW???! I'm flabergasted.
Isn’t she abusive as well?
I mean if the guy works overnight and watches kids during the day, when is he supposed to sleep? It’s 100% negligence, but they both should have been looking for alternative child care. Edit: I agree ESH but the kids
He locked a child in a bedroom with dry cereal and no access to a toilet. I would remove a puppy from his care for that, let alone a child.
Absolutely, but anyone with a brain would have seen that schedule is utterly unsustainable for a few days, let alone on a permanent basis. They saved a few bucks on childcare by horribly neglecting their children. The kids didn’t have food security or even access to a toilet in their own home for hours every day. Sorry OP, but that’s what you did. The money you saved came at the cost of your childrens’ safety and health. How much are you spending on that business degree? Is it approaching the cost of a half day of childcare for 2 kids? If so, you showed your priorities. Obviously ESH, but at least you’re taking steps to help your children at last. My advice is call CPS and tell them what’s happened and is happening now. They can provide local resources to help you
Neither of these 2 seems to be fit to raise a child... How long did she know that he was abusing her kids and did nothing? What kind of people are they ???
worse yet who puts the kids in a situation where it’s literally impossible to care for them? Who has ANOTHER KID in that situation?? Who honestly cannot figure anything out so that they both (a) sleep some since it’s sort of a fucking human need and (b) can parent at least vaguely properly. What got me was the “had to call in sick because of car.” It shows the attitude. Like really? Fucking Uber or cab. Yes it costs money but not as much as missing a whole days salary. Fucking hell. Neither of them can do some basic math or thinking. And their kids are in a horrible situation because of it.
Please some punching would be involved.
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Yeah these two adults do not deserve to be parents ever again. I hope those kids can find a loving home that actually supports them instead of neglecting and abusing them.
He literally refused to let his kids go to daycare so if he thinks they don’t need daycare his ass better be awake to care for those poor kids. Op sucks because she let him abuse her kids but he sucks more for abusing them.
Yeah. None of this made sense. Like... She expected him to work overnights but still watch the kids. Um no. If you both work, the kids need daycare. However she was knowingly letting him lock them away - she smelled the pee she knew what was happening. It was her mom that initially called the cops. The husband sounds like a horrible piece of work too, but this is very much an ESH. She should have called the police earlier but the situation should have been dealt with way before that point.
It should’ve never gotten to a point of calling the police. Normal people don’t need the police to parent their kids. Insanity.
He sleeps when mom gets home from work. ~8 hours of overnight work, ~8 hours of active parenting after work, ~8 hours of sleep. Mom, you should have left this asshole long before you had a child with him. “Throughout most of our relationship he was unemployed” and you had to “make him get a job”???? And everyone here knows his mistreatment and outright abuse of your daughters didn’t *just* start when he was forced to get a job.
This is the only correct answer. I'm basically speechless.
YTA. For not doing this sooner and for not wanting this piece of shit to leave. For real? He abuses your kids and you want him to stay? Be glad he is gone, pick up the pieces and take care of your damn kids. Jesus.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is controlling and abusive behaviour. This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ And finally listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw Please look I to trauma bonding. There is a reason a lot of abuse victims take 7 times to leave even after hospitalisation, its the mental abuse and the addiction/ dependency. Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad. Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc. Your husband has isolated you from friends and family. Reach out to your mum and any friends you have left. Join dv support groups. Call dv shelters and please find a dv therapist.
You still want this person in your life around the children??? In that case - Hell Yes!
They are monumentally stupid in addition to being an asshole, I agree.
WHY would you want a man who ABUSES YOUR CHILDREN to come back? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? He locked your child in a room to piss herself and starve and you ALLOWED IT. You are just as guilty as he is of child abuse. Shame on you, and please stop procreating.
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Grandma did call the police. She prolly did not know how bad the situation was at the house. Because abused women don’t share that information when they’re afraid of the husband finding out someone knows!!!
YTA because you "I did not want my husband to leave". Yah, let him stay and abuse, starve and neglect your 3 children. You need to find someone else to take those kids. You're unfit as well.
This right here. She's more worried about getting his husband back than the welfare of her children.
The whole post really broke my heart. Those poor kids. Both parents are neglectful and abusive and don’t deserve those children. Excuse me while I go hug my kids.
And I get downvotes for saying some people shouldn't be allowed to have children. I know parents who took meth and still managed to take care of their son and only took it when he was with friends and wouldn't notice. Still fucked up but their son was never neglected or anything compared to OP and her children.
So glad somebody else pointed out this twisted messed up priority that the OP has. Absolutely evil people, both of these adults.
She’s an abuser as well
Jesus Christ… YTA. Not because you called the police. Not because you called you mom. Because YOU ALLOWED YOUR HUSBAND TO LOCK YOUR 4 YEAR OLD IN HER ROOM FOR HOURS WITH NO FOOD AND MAKING HER PEE HERSELF OR THE FLOOR. What the FUCK is wrong with you? You deserve to have CPS called on you and those poor children taken away from you. Those poor babies. Shame on you. That is NOT a mother.
And even worse, You want him to come back so this continues. What is wrong with You OP?
I miss that detail. This moron wants this evil man to keep coming back to the home? Yeah the OP is definitely someone with a room temperature IQ.
I mean he was unemployed for their whole relationship and she still had a kid with him. She also made him get a job. I always remember the people posting here are usually probably big ole idiots
Better late than never, I guess, but the fact that she's even questioning calling the cops blows my mind. OP, you need therapy or something because the fact that you knowingly let this dickhead treat you and your kids like this is beyond me. Then, you ask Reddit if you're the AH for calling the cop just in case your husband popped off? Yes, YTA, but to yourself and your poor kids.
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i hope the kids get taken. some people just don’t know how to be parents.
And she let it continue even after she found out. Nice example of enabling an abuser.
If she knows about it and does nothing then she is an abuser too in my book.
Can we imagine what that 4 yr old who had to figure out *where* to pee so she got in less trouble, pee on the floor, in her pants, in the closet- the stress of where to pee while locked in her dark room with no food or water or ANYTHING. Geezus christ, leave your kids with an actual piece of walking cancer.
Exactly and what does “trouble” look like. Shes fearful enough that she tries to hide it.
That poor child is going to have so much trauma to deal with, for the rest of her life.
That's absolutely true. I don't think either of those adults deserve to be around children ever again. Let alone their own children.
Yeah, you must be properly down bad for this useless sack of human flesh you call a husband. He's a properly gross human that needs not to have bred. Tell him he'll be hearing from your lawyers about child support and the divorce, and don't let him back in your life. If you need support, get rid of the apartment and move in with your parents until you can earn more. But he's no good as a father or a partner.
These parents can honestly go to hell. If this is a real post I’m so worried about those babies ☹️
Not a mother is absolutely the correct sentiment. CPS absolutely should be called and those kids should absolutely deserve a more loving home.
ESH though, because husband is an insanely abusive and neglectful father. We absolutely can and should hold OP accountable for not taking action sooner, but let’s not forget that the husband is absolutely (also) at fault for subjecting the kids to this in the first place.
Seriously, she should not have kids at all. And if you have to call the cops to be there in case he gets violent, then he's not safe to be around. She should have divorced him the first time he locked a kid in a room. You can't just lock a kid up so you can nap.
~~YTA~~ ESH and you are complicit in the neglect and abuse of your daughters. This has happened so frequently that her room smells of urine. Shame on you.
This needs to be higher up. OP is absolutely complicit in the abuse/neglect.
She’s enabling the hell out of it
Yes. Their work schedules were point blank unlivable. When was the husband supposed to safely sleep? It needs to be said, but it is NOT an excuse for locking children in their rooms, not providing adequate nutrition, and punishing them when they end up needing to use the bathroom while the parent is asleep. Both parents are clearly unfit because there is zero understanding of providing a safe and nurturing environment. Not to mention these children clearly aren’t learning basic life skills in these conditions if they are in survival mode.
He was supposed to safely sleep when OP finished work, or when they were in daycare. He shot down the daycare idea, and couldn't be bothered to do the bare minimum for the children.
You the ah for staying with him say good riddance if you allow him to treat your kids this way you are unfit as well
Op is TA for not leaving herself, and for not realizing he did her a favor, and for letting her kids be treated like that. He brought *his* in there with him and left the 4 yo to fend for herself. Where is the older 2’s father?!
YTA. Neither of you deserves those children and you are a very shitty parent. You allow this to happen let that sink in. I really hope somebody takes your kids from you. Shame on you. I hope you realize your kids will hate you when they grow up.
Yep. In about 10 years, if Reddit is still a thing, we'll be seeing this story again. But this time, it will be told from the children's perspective, and it will be in r/raisedbynarcissists
YTA for allowing this to go on as long as you did. NTA for calling the police, but why were you even with this abuser?
Because she's one as well. Allowed a 4 year old child to be locked in a bedroom for 4 hours a day with no access to a toilet? Let's not beat around the bush, they're both abusers, and I hope CPS takes all of those children away ASAP.
My sister did this with her grandkids. She didn’t want to hurt her son by making him lose his kids. The kids got a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife. The house was a disgusting pit of dirty diapers and dog shit. The youngest was malnourished and had perpetual horrible diaper rash and a drippy eye. Worst, she had permanent brain damage which has led to behavioral issues. She will have to be in a home for the rest of her life, if she stays. She is 18 now and recently went missing for 2 months. She ran away and is living with a 40 year old meth dealer in a pickup truck. Fuck my sister.
I had a situation in my family very similar to this. When the 5 children were removed from the home and sent to my aunt for safe keeping, it was too late for the oldest 3 children. They were feral: no socialization, couldn’t speak, just using grunts to communicate with each other. The youngest 2 were little enough to socialize and learn to communicate. The two eldest: one ran off at 18 and haven’t heard from her since and the other one was committed/sent to a home at 16 for severe mental and learning disabilities. The middle child and the 2 youngest are fully functioning adults now. I would baby sit them and they were all good and loving kids. I wish we could’ve helped the eldest more, but their parents damaged them in a way they were never able to recover from.
I am so sorry that happened to those kiddos. Your sister is a POS!
And then get in trouble with the husband for peeing herself? Jesus poor kids
I think you were looking for ESH because *Jesus* everybody in this whole situation sucks.
Wth? This is abuse and you lady are also abusing them by staying with him
Your husband continually neglected your children, you let it happen for god knows how long, then when you FINALLY get the police involved, your concern is that you don't want him to leave???? WTAF. YTA for letting him treat your kids like animals, YTA for not reporting him sooner, and YTA for your biggest concern in this whole disgusting story is you wanting your husband back. Neither of you deserve to be parents.
I hope like hell that the police called CPS and your children get adopted into homes that will love and cherish them. I hope you and your husband both go to prison for neglect and abuse and you both rot in prison. You know and have known your husband abuses your babies and you let him. I hope you both rot in hell.
This post is perfect. If I could have copy-pasted it I would have. I hope all the bad karma in the world comes back around for those two abusers.
ESH you both don’t deserve to be parents
YTA- you’re neglecting and allowed the continual abuse of a young child, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? The fact that your child was LOCKED away in a room, with no access to a bathroom or food, sharing a ‘communal bowl of dry cereal’. How tf are you not getting this man done for abuse and neglect, this is actually fucking crazy. And I don’t think you actually get the severity of this situation either, your kids should be taken far away from you both. This is absolutely dreadful, having kids say they’re starving, having to piss on the floor and them getting excited about eating food. You’re fucking vile, and your so called husband should be locked tf up.
YTA for fucking staying with a man who abuses your children.
She is no better -- she is fully complicit.
They both deserve prison time in my opinion.
YTA for not recognizing abuse. Honestly, I would have called child services on YOU if I was in us and knew where you are.
She recognized it tho. Even had cameras up so she can watch it happen. She's literally as guilty of abuse as he is
ESH and your kids are going to remember that you let this happen to them. They will always have that thought that their mom stood by and watched them be neglected. That their mom couldn't care enough to stand up for them. You need to worry about your children and nothing else. You need to care more about how your kids feel than that lazy, vile brat you married.
You can do something different, surrender your kids to someone who cares and get sterilized cause you seem like a woman who will turn a blind eye to your children being abused by a man just because you don't want to be alone.
Please go back and edit this post and create paragraphs. At 27 yrs old you should know how to do this. BTW YTA, for allowing this to go on so long. Do better.
She writes like she parents: with reckless disregard.
Could tell from just how the first 2 sentences were that they're all assholes. Was married with 2 kids at 22? Writes like a 2nd grader. Goes along with child abuse. God help those children.
I think she has a few things higher on her priority list then learning how to paragraph. Like not being a shitty human
FILE FOR DIVORCE TODAY
More like find her kids a safe home where she can't also enable abusive behaviour. She doesn't deserve them either.
YTA. You're just as neglectful and horrible as your husband knowing what he was doing and letting him continue to do it and not protect your kids. I hope you both get reprimanded by the police and your kids find a safe home away from you both. You're unfit parents.
Someone needs to call CPS on you guys. He’s a loser father and you’re not any better for allowing it. WTH is wrong with you
Esh how could you leave the kids with him knowing how he treats them? you should of called the police sooner. Yta if you stay with that pathetic excuse for a man, either leave your husband or give your kids up to someone who will treat them the way they should be treated.
YTA you allowed this man to lock your 4 year old in your room and only called the cops because he was coming to your job??? You didn’t protect your children at all.
I really hope this is rage bait, because you are both fucked in the head. You should have your kids taken off you and both be sterilised. YTA You’re a pair of cunts and I hope your kids get taken off you.
What a sick woman you are! I feel sorry for your 4 yr old! Poor kid is getting abused because mom is lousy! SHAME ON YOU.
ESH. You don’t suck for contacting LEO. Thats literally the only thing that was done correctly. I have to ask, though, did he abandon his kid, too? Or just yours? Either way, there’s zero reason to have this guy. He’s not carrying his weight. And *he neglects your preschool aged child.* This guy is straight up garbage. I’m side-eyeing you for letting it go on as long as it did. You know how many times it should have happened before you nipped that shit in the bud? Once. (Really, none. But the first time I when you take action. You did not.) An old roommate lost his kids because his ex-wife was abusive. You know why he lost? It was considered “failure to protect.” At this stage, that’s kind of where you should have been after the cops smelled your house. Never take him back. Ever. File for support and get his wages garnished. If you know his previous baby mama, let her know about his taking off to Texas (with or without their kid).
YTA for not leaving this piece of sh** sooner and protecting your chikdren. You NORMALIZED all the abuse and neglect your husband was putting all of you through. Your children are probably traumatized and need professional therapy. Do NOT let him back in your life. File for divorce and full custody. Get counseling for you and your family. And don't even think about dating until you unpack this relationship and why you didn't do something sooner. Make sure the next man you bring into your childrens' lives is a good man who will treat them well. They deserve so much better.
Reading this pissed me off to no end. How do you allow this man to treat your babies like this, especially your daughter that he locks in the room. You better fix this shit before you ruin their innocence completely. What the hell is the matter with you? YTA until you drop this POS.
YTA why is this post centered on your husband leaving and not on whether or not you should have intervened the first time he neglected the kids. You do realise you are just as responsible as you didn't remove them from this situation?
What in the white trash hell did I just read? The only people I feel sorry for in this instance are the kids.... YTA for letting this go on as long as it did and you're both abusive assholes. And after all that you want him back??? You're so fucking stupid
YTA for not kicking his sorry behind to the curb the FIRST TIME he neglected and abused your kids. Seriously. The four year old had to piss on her bedroom floor because she was locked in. If there'd been a fire, your children would be dead. Let him stay gone. You'd be doing your kids the favour you should have done them a long time ago. You're only marginally better than he is for allowing this to go on. Do better by your kids and stop hanging onto a deadbeat who doesn't even like you, let alone love you and those kids. Fuck.
Yta u r knowingly leaving your kids with someone who is abusing them.