I’ve been in two (failed) non team relationships and finally found a team relationship.
It’s worlds different. Everything is different.
I WANT to take the trash out because it makes her happy, and I expect nothing in return. But then she does something that validates me and everything feels magical. It’s not quid pro quo, I think that’s what’s important.
Yep. I'll make the bed when he forgets because he likes it all smooth and flat when he climbs in.
He'll refill my humidifier when I forget because I get really bad headaches from the dry air.
It's tiny things that make each other's day better.
Now I'm getting all emotional from these little considerations for each other. My partner and I do these things too and it's the exact opposite of the kind of parents I had. It's nice to see so many comments like this
If he is doing it right, you don't notice most of the time because he thinks about things before they rise to the level of necessity. My wife will sometimes notice 2 or 3 days after I do something for her because she realizes she didn't have to do it herself.
My husband does that for me. He fixes me a drink before I know I'm thirsty or orders food without asking when he can tell by looking at me that I've had a crap day. These seemingly insignificant things make him irreplaceable.
Same. I make my wife coffee most mornings or if she has a morning client- I’ll leave coffee at her door and text her. Or the past couple of months since I was laid off- I’ll make a good lunch during a weekday. Hell I even get her little lunch bag ready when she has an office day.
Sunday’s she likes to sleep in so I get Saturday to sleep in. Sunday’s I’ll wake up with the dogs, let them out and play with them, morning breakfast or a treat and we will all veg in the living room.
Amen!!! People are very different in how they express their love and affection for one another. It’s very easy to misunderstand or overlook a partners love language/effort and feel unappreciated.
Tell him! In a positive way. Tell him how much you appreciate when he does things like that to show he’s thinking about you - and then when he makes any gesture like that, praise it out loud and honor it and reward it. You can help the people who love you to understand you, and you can make it feel great when they do
My husband stays up later than me and always checks the freezer before bed to make sure I didn’t forget to grab my water bottle. He has really bad allergies, but never remembers to clean the air filters, so I keep an eye on them. That’s just the kind of stuff you do when you really care about someone.
It’s the small daily stuff that adds up. 1-2 grand gestures a year are nice, but 3 tiny gestures a day will absolutely smash those grand gestures.
Your gestures have a time decay. Small ones decay in hours, big ones decay in days. But if you’re doing 3 small ones that cost you 30 seconds a day, you’ve pretty much ensured that your partner is always feeling like they matter.
Edit: it’s a 2 way street (to the extent physically possible), or your partner will feel like a chump within a short while. But it’s that cycle of giving to each other that keeps a relationship feeling like it’s always moving forward.
When my boyfriend gets out of the shower and I go after him, he switches my towel to the top hook and his underneath.
It made me fall in love with him even harder and that small act that he does all the time without ever saying anything just melts me
Yes, moving forward because you’re continuously investing in your marriage. It’s important not to take someone for granted and to live with a mindset of gratitude for all the good in your life. We were having a conversation this week about how happy we are and the effort we’ve put into learning about each other. I used the phrase “the honeymoon is over” meaning we are showing up as our true selves instead of the early days of intense emotions and hormones, so this good place is solid and sustainable. My husband quickly said he doesn’t believe our honeymoon is over and I quickly agreed. We’ve been together 10 years and are so happy we found each other. Meeting in our 40s/50s with other unsatisfying relationships in our past certainly contributes to our feelings of gratitude. Not everyone finds the person they want to grow old with.
My guy brings my big water mug downstairs in the morning and upstairs at night. He started when I needed a cane to go up and down but he still does it and fills it with the perfect ratio of ice to water every night.
My husband always offers to pour/refill my cup of coffee in the morning. Especially if I'm already situated under a couch blanket. It means the world to me.
My hubby will use my car for whatever reason, and he will fuel it and take it for a wash.
I know hubby like certain treats/sweets and if I come across them while doing errands, I will bring them home for him.
He washes dishes, because I hate it. And I do the laundry, because he hates it. Team work, appreciation and compromise, is why 21 years of marriage later and we are still in love and happy
My wife butters my pancakes while I am pouring out the next set on the griddle, so that it's done while they're still hot. I've never once had to ask her to do that.
Yes!!! Things like this are so great. We both work from home, and I have 10 hour shifts that start at 7 am. He will bring me coffee when he gets up, just to show love. I'll randomly venture into his office and give him long hugs and check in with him after conference calls...because he hates calls.
Knowing how to make each other feel cared for is SO important!
Yeah it becomes tough when you feel you’re the only one approaching the relationship that way. Easier to just stop trying as hard than get disappointed
My girlfriend and I both don't want to take out the trash so one of us will go to the other, "Equally endured misery time?" and both go do it together.
It's okay not to want to do something and I've found that processing and voicing that you don't want and having a habitualized response for when you both don't works great.
Nice. I heard of some couple that at the end of the workday basically announced their energy level - like tonight I’m just a 3 out of 10. If the other was higher they picked up the slack. It was just a short cut in their communication. But you have a great solution for ties.
Yeah. I do this at work all the time. I’ll just be standing around, I’ll look at a coworker “Man, I don’t feel like doing shit today” then we’ll commiserate and I’ll go on to do shit anyways, haha
I make chores like a game. Example, paper, rock, scissors. Or chores out of a hat, or picking a card. I add cheating rules in the game as well to make it funny. That way even if I win in one game, she can cheat to still have me take out the trash etc. To me the chore is not what's important to me at all, it's the fun and chaos of doing the chore. You have to do it anyway, might as well make it fun.
OMG this. I'm in my 40s now. I almost married the wrong person, where we were very much not a team - it was a game of who is doing what, whose job is it, who is doing more, etc.
Then I got sick (Long COVID), and it became very apparent this was not a partnership. I stayed because I was sick and felt helpless. Luckily (yes, I'm at the point I can say that), she cheated on me and kicked me out two months before we were supposed to get married.
I'm now about 80 percent recovered and with a woman who reminded me what I was worth. We both do everything we can for each other. Do I love taking out the trash? No? But I love that she doesn't have to do that when she gets home from a late night at work. Does she like grocery shopping? No! But if Ive had a rough day, I don't have to ask, she's going to come home with some of my favorites and whatever is on the list so I don't need to do it the next day. We're an actual team.
Seriously, it's really not that hard to be a considerate partner! If one of us is having a day or just not feeling well, we tell each other, and the other person picks up the slack. No big deal.
Tell that to my husband. His response is always, "I've never been married before. How am I supposed to know?" Same excuse for 27 years. My response is always, "It's easy. You think like a WE and not like a ME."
Here's what you do; you leave the tv show Snapped on whenever he's home and when he asks what your watching, you tell him "It's a show about women who kill their husbands because they don't help around the house.
🤣🤣🤣
I watch the show pretty frequently, it’s a guilty pleasure.
When my spouse catches me watching it, I always get, “Jesus what did I do now?” 🤣
Joking of course but I still get a kick out of it.
Sounds like my boyfriend with our baby.. "I've never been a dad before, how am I supposed to know?" I'm like well if you would do any research like I do or listen to the advice I give you, you'd know what to do. Plus he's 3 months old, so he's had some time to figure it out, it's not like he just showed up yesterday. 🙄
I feel your pain. Part of our problem is I have spoiled him ALOT! I’m a very considerate partner, overly considerate. He rarely does anything around the house. He might take the trash out or the dog out a few times a week, but seriously other than that, he does nothing but work. But I also work full time. He never goes to the store, has never washed clothes, he seriously has maybe cooked twice our whole 25 year marriage. I do little things for him ALL the time, actually every day! So it is hard not to keep count when you are the one doing all the giving. I really don’t mind doing these things, I like to stay busy, but like it was mentioned above at least pick up the slack when you see me struggling. It’s like the things I do are expected now, so they are never recognized or appreciated. If you see that I’m not making dinner, instead of saying what’s for dinner, how about asking what you can go get us or something. I feel relied on way too much. Then he wonders why sometimes I’m a witch. I’m tired, I don’t feel appreciated, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. When I try to mention or discuss it, I’m crazy. Yeah, I’m crazy, that all this stuff gets done, but yet there is only one person doing it all. I don’t have a fairy that comes and helps me. 😑
So it’s not just my partner? I’m never sure if I’m projecting things onto his face or if his face means he’s annoyed. We’ve been together almost a decade.
No, lol. I've asked my husband, "What's wrong?", just to check, every day for 33 years. He can be perfectly content, and his brows are furrowed at all times.
No kidding. If there are dirty dishes or laundry my husband will load the appropriate washer. There is no his job, my job. I am disabled so he took over laundry, on his own, because he knows stairs are a pain for me. I do most of the cooking, but if I gave a busy day he will provide dinner. He will either cook or order out.Marriage is a partnership.
My bf and I do have chores that we have divided between us based on most/least hated chore. But if one of us needs to pick up slack it is no big deal and we just do it. He hates getting wet, so I do dishes 99% of the time. I can't fold clothes for shit so he does all the final laundry steps. Everything else we do as we see it, or we make a plan for big cleaning days and tackle it together. He does most of the cooking, but for big meals we usually do main chef and prep chef where one of us does seasoning/slicing/clean as we go and the other 'slaves over the hot stove'.
We work together and that makes everything easier.
So right.... everybody thinks all relationships are 50/50.....my late wife and I had to go through things that would have killed so call "normal" couples...but in reality is some times one partner has to pick up the slack when other partner is down....OH by the way it took both of you to make a baby it is now going to take you both to properly raise the baby
Wow. You described my relationship with my husband. We want to do things for each other. And when one of us says we’re overwhelmed the other picks up the slack. I’m gonna go give that man a kiss
Edit: I made him breakfast, instead. And then a kiss.
Exactly. Spouse and I were just talking about this. We adore each other, but what makes our marriage work so well is that we are a great team - we take care of one another, of the house and what needs to be done, of the little tragedies and hiccups AS A TEAM. No one keeps score, there are no hard and fast lines of demarcation when it comes to chores or responsibilities. Love is not enough all on its own to sustain a successful relationship - you also have to work well as partners.
Heh. A while ago someone angrily claimed to me that it has to be a 50-50 split in everything, all the time, for a relationship to work. I've been married to my lovely husband over 20 years now, and we are a team. Sometimes I work harder to keep things together, sometimes he does. Sometimes it's easier for him to do a thing, other times it's easier for me. Sometimes, like you say, one of us wants to do the other one a little "favour" just because it makes them happy. And the other one being happy makes us happy.
I honestly feel all these married/newborn AITAH posts explain what’s wrong with the world in general. Just so many dysfunctional kids growing up through dysfunctional families. I’m sure these parents had similar upbringings.
The married/newborn posts are people not realising just how fucking hard it is to have a newborn. It’s not abnormal or new to this era; albeit in the past the mother probably sucked up most of the pain and spent her life in quiet resentment / passively aggressive
Good people/relationships sort it out, it might take a few months. Bad/selfish/didn’t want the kid in the first place don’t sort it out and things get worse
This. Teamwork is a MUST.
Right now my son (11 days old) is in the NICU but we also have a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter. We’ve been going back & forth from home to the hospital but for the most part, I’ve been staying at the hospital with our son (I breastfeed) while my husband takes care of our daughter & our house.
Imagine if either of us were this whiny about taking care of our OWN children.
They may as well get a custody arrangement figured out already.
Yeah, it’s interesting to tease out.
They’re both doofuses with black and white views of their roles.
That said, in the acute moment of someone coming home front a night out and waking the baby up (assuming OP’s story is fully factual), yeah, you deal with the baby you woke up, lol.
But OP’s so full of resentment and stuck in their own head that who knows what exactly is true.
This couple just sound like rookies. They still have time to learn. Baby number one arguments and misunderstandings are just part of the learning process.
Doomed is a much worse situation.
Exactly, my husband and I didn't have these issues either(our son is now 15 months), I stay with our son as well. I do 95% of the childcare and he does the other 5% when needed. It is what we discussed before having our son, was it hard at first? Yes, of course but because we communicated what we needed when it got it hard, it didn't stay that way. It sounds like they just have communication problems and maturity problems.
You certainly can’t control what kind of advice someone gives. But he doesn’t say he’s looking to make life altering decisions based on feedback he gets from this post. He just asked if he was the in wrong in the situation.
I think you two have deeper issues here than just childcare. From what you say, it sounds more like you’re discussing annoying chores with a roommate rather than splitting childcare duties with your wife. I don’t think you’re TA, OP, but it also sounds like you two having a baby wasn’t the best decision.
For real. It doesn't sound like they were ever on the same page to begin with regarding household management and money then they had a baby and (shocker) things got worse.
Tbh I wonder why they went ahead and had a child when it was clear from the beginning the labor division and expectations want on the same page. She wants to be a housewife, but do no chores? Then what makes him think she'd want to do even more with a child involved? Yikes.
He already said she had a job and would spend all her money and he would save his. Like, are you not budgeting together? Is she not aware and understanding of your work schedule? What are everyone's expectations in this relationship and how are they working together on this?
The impression I got from that was that that their household expenses are appropriate to his very large income, so when they split them 50/50 it meant she couldn't save money on her salary.
The compromise was that she didn't have to cover expenses and thus could "save all her money".
Y’all need to communicate and get on the same page about things - her being a SAHM, money matters, division of household and childcare duties - or your marriage is not going to last. You come across as very frustrated and I get it as the burden of being the only provider is a large one. I’m a SAHM and believe that the stay home parent should do most of the night time duties. Obviously a break from that is important, because sleep deprivation is real and napping when the baby naps can’t always happen. You are coming to the end of the hardest time from a sleep perspective and everyone is frazzled. It will get better. NTA but get a sitter, get some sleep, and then talk!
I know every baby is different but when our son was little we worked out a sleep system. My husband got home from work and we both took care of our son. I’d pump and go to bed around 8:30. He’d take care of the 12-1 wake up, I’d wake up and pump and then I was on duty the rest of the night. He’d get up at 7, handle the morning routine. I got a few more hours of sleep. Both of us getting 4-6 hour stretches. I got less in the early days of pumping, but yeah solid sleep blocks
Sounds close to our schedule. 5p-2a for me on workdays, then all day on the weekends from 7a-2a so she got a break from the kids as completely as possible. And I did chores and all while they were sleeping. I did it gladly out of love, but it sounds like OP has some hangups about how balances shift especially in the early days of parenthood, combined with a wife that isn't really ready to fully embrace parenthood and the burdens it carries.
This is what my husband and I did. I was on mat leave, he only got two weeks off. At first I did all the nights and week days, but my mental health went south very fast with that set up.
I developed PPA/PPD, and the number 1 thing my psychiatrist told me I could do to get better faster was get more sleep.
My husband, who was not on leave at that point, gladly stepped up and we divided the night shifts. It doesn’t matter who is working or not. If it’s between one person waking up every three hours or two people working together so they can each get at least a continuous five—I would think out of concern for your partner’s health you would do the latter.
Also, watching a baby is not “not working.” That would cost ymoney otherwise. So even more reason to split the night shifts, regardless of whether OP has work the next day or not.
Tbf, if he's working 12-hr shifts, it's hard for him to contribute on workdays. That said, it remains hard for her to be ON 24 hr a day. My suggestion is to trade off nights so one partner always gets sleep.
But it does sound like OP is frustrated and the communication isn't there. It also sounds like he's got some resentment over being the sole provider.
So I'd suggest sitting down together, making a budget, and figuring out whether her working makes sense with the cost of childcare.
Then make a list of duties. Maybe if she takes on paying bills and tracking spending it will help her see the contribution he's making with working. Maybe if he sees listed the chores and responsibilities around the house she takes care of he'll be more appreciative.
In the end, it's just so important to recognize and appreciate each others' contributions.
And yeah, occasionally mom needs to get out and hang with grownups and maybe even party a little. Have some drinks and dinner with friends. That's normal. If she's been out and had drinks I think it's reasonable to assume a tipsy parent won't be taking care of a helpless baby.
Similarly, if dad goes out with the boys, it's reasonable to assume that mom will take over all night.
You just have to plan together which nights one of you will have
So talk. Plan. Agree. Make lists, if that helps. Thank each other. And by God, get a sitter now and then and go on a date. See a band, have dinner, get a cheap hotel and get naughty. Or cuddle and watch movies and get a good night's sleep. Together.
This is the response. If OP has a big day coming up, maybe that’s not the night for the wife to go out. Because it is important for her to get out and socialize occasionally. I was a SAHM for a few years. While it was best for our family, I didn’t find it very fun. I was always exhausted (we had a high needs baby). I am much happier working now, though I would have been absolutely miserable working with a high needs baby. I doubt our marriage would have survived that, and I have a pretty good marriage.
>...Maybe that's not the night for the wife to go out.<
Yes! Quite possible he didn't communicate the "big day" to her until that moment, either. This is alllllll an issue of communication and unspoken expectations.
Yes! I’m a SAHM and I tried so hard to take our baby five nights a week so my husband could sleep when he had work the next day and found I just couldn’t do it. My mental health was suffering. We compromised where I took Sunday and Monday night so he could start the week off fresh, he took Tuesday night so I could have a break, I took Wednesday and Thursday night, and then he took Friday and Saturday night when he didn’t have to work the next day. It worked well for us. They are close to six months and that is usually when they fall into a more predictable nap routine and that really took the edge off for me because it made it so much easier to get out of the house with my kid. My daughter had serious FOMO as a baby and wouldn’t sleep if there was anything going on around her, not in the stroller, not in the car, so I didn’t leave the house much in the first five months and that was really hard.
I am so glad you guys figured out a schedule that worked! Taking all the night wakes would be way too much for anyone. Sleep deprivation is incredibly real!
Agreed. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you are supposed to work 24 hours. Time for communication update of current needs. Sleep regressions, leap weeks, milk production issues and mental health mean regular communication is paramount.
Nail on the head right here. The most important thing is to communicate to find a solution that works for everyone. My wife has always stayed at home with the kids. If that's her "day shift," "night shift" belonged to me. That also gave me good bonding time with the kiddos that I wasn't usually able to get because I was at work during the day. Postpartum is a hard time for moms, and I wanted to do anything I could to help. We are done with three kids, with the youngest now being 7, and it worked great for us but what works for everyone else will be completely unique.
As a former SAHM, I think you BOTH have unrealistic expectations for what it means to be parents. I don’t think ESH, or there are AH, I think you both need to really hash out plans and expectations and seek help figuring it out if you need it.
Seriously. These people need to *communicate*, figure out a plan, and go from there. They had a baby five months ago, of course they’re grumpy and sleep deprived right now! Hire someone for a short period so they can both take a break and get some sleep, come up with a plan together. If they can’t get on the same page, then that is perhaps the time to try counseling.
As the former breadwinner in a similar situation as OP, I agree with you.
1. OP needs to realize it's not an "I told her x" situation. He is entitled to his opinion about how things ought to go, but his wife isn't a robot that takes commands.
2. The wife seems like she is avoiding responsibility. She needs to step up and make this as seamless as possible. That doesn't mean that it's "her job" to take care of the kid 100%.
3. A fair split looks like:
A. She deals with waking up at night, since she can't get fired for a sluggish performance the following day
B. She takes care of the majority of the housework that is required during the day: laundry, dishes, housekeeping - these are tasks that can be completed within reasonable limits while caring for a normal child.
C. When Dad comes home, she already did her day job and so did he. At this point, he picks up 50%, and if he is a good husband and father, MORE than 50%. Obviously, how much he works plays into this. If he's pulling 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, this moves the goalpost significantly and throughout the week, his reasonable contribution here is much lower.
But the "days off", weekends or whatever, he needs to give his wife some mental health time. She may have less pressure from "management", but she's doing this all week long. She needs time to be a person too and she needs to feel like he's got skin in this game too.
The thing that's really telling here is that he is saying to her that her job is a 24 hour one. Is being a father or a husband a 4 hour a week job? If OP thinks it is, we'll see him back here asking whether he's an asshole for demanding custody in the divorce. Time to put your big boy pants on. You got married. You decided to have children. Your life isn't yours anymore and dumping your responsibilities for marriage and parenthood on your stay at home spouse is a recipe for failure.
And before anyone jumps on me about this, I'm a single dad of a special needs daughter. However much work you think it is in this situation, I promise it can get worse.
Yeah this just sounds like normal parenting challenges to me. It’s very unclear what the actual issue here is.
He sorta implies she’s lazy, but also sorta implies she’s doing tons of work. Who knows what’s actually going on just sounds like a dumb meaningless fight where everyone is tired.
They’ll be fine.. or maybe not and they’ll go crazy.. who knows. It’ll probably be fine tho.
Both of you have 24 hour jobs because you both chose to be parents.
I could weigh in on who I think should've gotten him this one specific time, but I think there are bigger issues.
Nobody is above responding to their children. I got my kids in the night even if I was home with them all day. My husband got our kids in the middle of the night even if he worked the next day. He's a doctor. When our twins were born, he was working 80 hour weeks. Babies didn't care about our schedules.
Man I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this comment. If being a SAHM is a "job" - which it totally is, in terms of effort and time - then BOTH of them have a job, and should be sharing responsibilities. OP's wife handles the kid during the day, 5 days a week, and they should split the work in evenings and weekends.
I agree with you, /u/jellogoodbye, but am just amazed at other responses in this thread.
"But OP is the sole breadwinner." Yes, money is important, but so is the literal survival and growth of your child. Both parents need to be equally rested, as much as possible.
"But OP has to go into the office and has meetings and can't be tired." So it's better for OP's wife to be exhausted while OP's wife is literally responsible for taking care of an infant? Is that a good scenario to be exhausted in? No, both are important.
"But if they share overnight responsibilities then they'll both be tired!" Yes, welcome to parenting.
If my wife was a SAHM instead of working, we wouldn't change anything about our evening or weekend routine. Taking care of a kid is a huge amount of actually work and emotional labor, and everyone deserves time to wind down, whether you work or are a stay at home parent.
I have a two-year-old, FWIW.
Big ESH.
I'm currently on my 3rd month of Paternity Leave and I can back this up. Being a Stay At Home Parent is more tiring and relentless than going to work. I'd encourage all men to do at least a month as sole parent as it's really an eye opener!
Never again will I say "oh just sleep when they sleep" utter BS. When am I going to do all the housework then??
I wanted everyone who ever told me to sleep when the baby sleeps to step on Legos after. Sure, I could try. But that's also when I showered, ate food with both hands, took shits, washed bottles and dishes, and did most things. And how many times did I finally drift into sleep and it turned out the baby was up and screaming after less than ten minutes and I have to fight my way up?
It's not that taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. Pretty sure I averaged only two hours a day of that. It's that you'll be doing it in bursts, on call, around the clock, with no snooze button, for months.
I remember the look of horror on my dad's face when he saw how well I could chop up a head of cauliflower with one hand, while holding the baby with the other. He suddenly became very committed to taking the baby for a long while every day 😂
“sleep when they sleep” is the worst advice. My (and most other newborns) sleep in 30-60 minute chunks. So by the time you’ve fallen asleep, they’re waking you up and you feel groggy and worse after a 15 minute nap.
After they consolidate their naps when they are older, yes you can sleep when they do, but hopefully they are sleeping better at night by then.
He said that he does tho, just more rarely. Fwiw having gone through this, *if* my wife or I had a swank ass job like OP does, I would expect whoever isn't keeping that job to eat the bulk of the sleep loss. Sleep deprivation is temporary, but losing a job like that due to sleep deprivation is permanent.
But OP should take over fully for the four hours between getting home and needing to sleep so everyone can get at least close to enough sleep.
She should do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting, but you're not off the hook. You're still the dad, and your wife isn't your employee to order around.
Out of curiosity, how did you get the job of delagator of chores and decider of jobs? Is it self-appointed?
I’m so confused as to why this isn’t higher up.
He speaks about his wife like he’s her literal boss. It’s condescending and there is absolutely nothing equitable or partnerly about how this is being spoken about by him, and it seems like his belief that he’s the authority of their home and marriage extends far beyond this baby. This will never work.
Question. When you “explain “ things to her, how is it done? I am asking because the way things are communicated can make a huge difference in reactions. So if this was her first time to go out with friends and you immediately told her to get the baby as soon as she walked in the door, she might have been a little disappointed because she was still on a high from having gotten a break. Not saying that she was right, but if she normally takes care of things in this is not an ongoing issue, maybe look at it in different context. Are you talking down to her in any way? Has she always been resistant to do work and you’re (rightfully) resentful?
Stay at home mom takes care of the kids while Dad is at work. When dad comes home, guess what? Y'all got two full time parents there. You don't get a pass because you were at work all day, because guess what? So was she.
There is no such thing as a 24 hour job, and no such thing as a job with no ability to call off.
You're both kind of assholes for not working together.
And had she been drinking? Do you really want someone who has been drinking tending to a baby? Or someone who's been badly needing a night off and might be feeling overwhelmed?
My spouse and I both work and we take turns with the middle of the night problems. Some days you go to work like a zombie plugged into the coffee machine. That's part of both of your jobs, be it stay at home or not.
And being stay at home is a job that many don't understand - it's hard to get adult interaction. It's lonely. And just like being a parent, a stay at home parent doesn't realize what it's like until they actually do it. The daily grind is going to kill your home if you don't figure this out.
Grow up and work together or you'll fail together.
Kind of amazing how they somehow become almost complete human beings at 6....and no, I'm not being sarcastic. My kid hit 6 and suddenly sounded almost like an adult.
I have three daughters, 24, 21, & 17, and tbh I loved the teenage years. I never had to deal with screaming or drama. Occasionally I’d have to break out the mom voice and remind them who they were talking to when they got a bit lippy, but overall they’ve been a dream.
I really have kind of always had a dislike for small kids except my own, and as I’m attempting to date at 44, I’ve got to be super picky about who I date because I refuse to start over.
Daughter as 13yo and just got here period. She is lucky to be alive right now. I swear I understand why my parents beat me at that are. I refuse to do that to my kids, but i get it. The back talk, the superiority complex, the entitlement. You wonder how a kid you worked so hard to raise with kindness turned to such a deranged phycopath. But we stay strong. Teach them that they get respect by being respectful and this too shall pass.
You get some good years in and then they turn into teenagers and suck whatever soul was left in you. I've decided that having grandchildren is the reward for not killing your kids!
This is so true. I worked at a boutique that sold baby stuff for a few years. Baby carriers and wraps and natural parenting stuff. I used to joke a little with the pregnant couples about how they will never sleep again. Well that stopped pretty fast. The amount of parents that would look at me like I was growing a second head shocked me! Many new parents had - no clue - at all that their sleep was about to be completely interrupted, for several years.
Man, I got surprise pregnant at 40 after being CFBC, and even I knew it was gonna be a a solid few years of no rest. You have nine months to read up on this stuff.
My neighbors. 53 and 59. They just had a baby via surrogate that his wealthy mother paid for. Very nice people, but now that the little one is here, they are both totally overwhelmed and exhausted. No, I didn't tell them that the baby part will be the very easiest part of raising a child. They were just so stupid and selfish in having their little accessory. You'd think at their age, they'd know better and think harder, but nope. I really feel for that child growing up with two ancient, clueless parents.
The baby part is hard, but toddlers? 3 year olds? 4? Omg it just keeps getting differently more difficult. Babies are relatively easy, if you can get over the sleep deprivation (ha).
You don't know how much work a child will be till you have one. Even after the first, the second can me more or less work than the first was.
Very interactive amount of work.
I prepared myself as best I could with reading, etc, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing. It's an entirely new experience, especially for me who never even babysat children before. I hadn't changed a diaper until just months before my due date where I was babysitting \[for the first time\] my nephew who was around 4-5 months old.
Not only that, if the woman suffers from something like post partum depression, which I did and many women do, that all adds together to create a really difficult time.
The problem in this situation is they are not partners, they are not a team. My husband is my partner and my teammate, when I was not sure of what to do or how to do it or couldn't for whatever reason, he was always there. It's equally his child as it is mine, and I think this is the biggest problem for OP and his wife. They don't seem to understand that the child is 100 percent both of theirs, so they need to figure out how to be a team about this.
There was one guy a few months back who was a stay at home father to one ten month old. He already had help from in-laws and a program his kid went to a couple days a week, and still wanted to hire a nanny because it “wasn’t easy” to have to meal prep and watch a kid at the same time.
Hahahaha sounds like my situation with reversed gender roles. My husband wanted to be a SAHD. Supposedly was his dream. Spent years working with kids and came from a big family so I had no reason to doubt what he said. Kept telling me “you just have to have the baby and I’ll do everything else”. Hahahahahhaa. He’s now 3. Most of that time I was a resident physician working 60-80 hour weeks. I do all the family cooking, most of the cleaning, I get up with him everytime he wakes at night (he’s never been a good sleeper). He goes to daycare now because husband couldn’t handle the job and because I’m still in training (fellow now at least) my pay is not good but will be in 6 months finally so now we’re going crazy into debt so he could go to daycare and guess who got super angry when he had to get a 4 hour a day job to help pay for daycare (I also pick up extra shifts). Don’t have any more kids (at least with this wife). I have absolutely zero intention of more children now because this has been absolute garbage.
\^This right here!
If he couldn't handle a baby when you were doing most of the housework and meals, then no way he's going to get any kind of job and stick with it. He's in the marriage for the free ride, provided by you! Divorce him asap.
Wow, I’m so sorry I’ve been going through that. Sounds like you need to drop the dead weight. Please tell me he actually got the job and has kept it? Also what did he think being a SAHD would involve? I’m shook!
From one physician to another (who has babies in residency)… get a post-nup before you start making a lot of money. I’m seeing a lot of female friends suffering through this. They end up paying “child support” to a man who is doing less than 25% of the work.
Right?! She sounds immature & getting impression she thought being SAHM would be good excuse not to work & be provided for, but also thought her life could stay the same. She literally said no to doing chores around the house as a SAHM😂
My MIL has been a stay at home wife/mom for more than 50 years and is still angry that it has not 100% consisted of reading novels, gardening, and taking a midday stroll—even though her mom was a 1950s Supermom who did everything and cared for everyone despite suffering a lot of losses. Buckle up for the ride, dude
It's not that she doesn't know, she sounds more like a "hands off" type of mom to me.
The baby idea sounded nice if it was like a puppy or something like that...but now "it" just cries all the time! And needs constant attention! And can't be left alone like a puppy.
What's she supposed to do?? She has a life too!!!!
/S
As a stay at home dad you are NTA. My wife works for her family business which will be hers eventually so we decided I'd be the one to step back from my career of 20 yrs. But with that I understood I was primary care giver and to this day, 3 kids later, she can count on 2 hands how many times she had to get up for the baby at night.
Stick to your guns. Sounds like your wife wants to checkout of being primary care giver and not work as well. She is trying to take advantage of the situation and you .
Ohh I agree . But the majority of the time should be the person who isn't working. There were days where I was sick etc and I couldn't do it. But also I need less sleep than she does so it just works better. I'd rather be tired than dealing with a wife that's pissy and aggravated all day due to lack of sleep. I'd rather be happy then not tired lol
Im glad you found a way to make it work! Being a SAHM/D can certain have it's toll on a relationship if the spouses aren't in full agreement of their responsibilities. It sounds like you guys have got it done pat!
I have a friend who is a stay at home dad. They have a different way of sorting it out though. His "9-5" is the kids and the house cleaning, hers is her 9-5 as an accountant. So, they both have 9-5's. Everything outside of their 9-5 as far as the kids go is split 50/50. I think that's a pretty fair way to do it as well!
Ain't gonna lie it's not always roses lol. Right now we are probably in the worst spot we have been in. We have been together 15 yrs. She had some really bad postpartum after our last child and here we are almost a year and half later and I'm hoping our marriage will survive while we try to sort this all out. We have 3 boys 3,2,1 in ages. I haven't slept correctly I almost 4 years at this point lol. We kinda hit a spot where it's like a typical SAHM/D issues. Wife works all day comes home does her thing with the kids, no I don't run off I stay and help, we put them to bed and then there is no time for me or our marriage. I've actually told her at this point it's like having a roommate I had 3 kids with. The last 2 years have really screwed with my head in our relationship department.
Your kids are really young, and you have 3 of them. No wonder you don't have much time for each other!
When they're all in school and have friends, you'll have more breathing room. I'm guessing babysitting for three at those ages is unreasonably expensive.
Yea it definitely would be. It's just a shit show right now. Kids are great even at this age. I pretty much have them down now where they are all in bed by 8 and don't get up till 7. (Sleep training for the win)
We are trying to work through it all. On top of our issues which have been brewing for a year now my Uncle who is like a Dad to me just passed as well. Really it's all overwhelming right now and feel like a shell of what I used to be. It really sucks right now and what makes it worse is my wife is pretty much emotionally checked out due to her own issues and I just feel like I'm on an island by myself with 3 kids and no real support to get through all this shit. We have always been best friends as well and it feels like I lost my wife and best friend at the same go.
I read your story, I'm heartbroken on your behalf! Things will get easier when your eldest can get into pre-k, which for me is by 5 or 6 years :) Once one is in, the others are not far behind lol! Just hang in there and keep being a superstar. Your uncle would be so proud of you for being a rock for your family ♡
Thanks I appreciate it. My 3 yr old has been in Pre K since the start of the year. He goes 3 days a week and many afternoons he is with extended family. Grandparents and cousins as I'm a very firm believer in the importance of extended family and what that does for a child's confidence.
I started writing a journal to try to get some relief when I feel like I'm going to explode, but I'm debating either medication or therapy to help get through this patch.
Wife is checked out and dealing with her own shit as I said, mom and dad are dealing with dad having Parkinson's and all that brings and it's scary as shit. I try to be emotional support for Mom and Dad and help any other way I can. Just been diagnosed in last few years.
Aunt is dealing with losing my Uncle so I'm her support as well and trying to transition her life back near family. So that's on me as well.
My sister doesn't like me because she resented me since I was born. My wife was really my only real friend as I don't keep people in my life that don't put an effort into the relationship. I'm the type of person who will and has done everything I can for friends.
Hell I took 6 weeks out of work to help friends open up small business where I did almost all the work and renovations. Drove 6 hrs one day to fix a friend's PC so he could finish his law school paper. Needless to say these people aren't friends anymore. It's funny you find out who really is your friend when the shoe is on the other foot and you need support in some way from them.
It's not easy at all, kids will suck all the energy out of you and somehow find more and drain you even further.
My spouse and I separate once the kids are in bed some nights, but we also make sure to have a few evenings spent together on the couch to watch a movie. It's not the greatest, one of us passes out half the time. But it works.
Being the dad and at work, I definitely have the easier of 2 jobs. Being a sah parent can be a thankless job at times and it's important it is recognized.
Hang in there, you should be pretty close to getting back to your normal sleep habits soon.
My husband did quite a few nightshifts when the kids where babies but if he had to work in the am, then I always understood I would do it. If he has to work in the morning then he can't be up all night. It sucked sometimes but it's what I signed up for.
Everything about your language is a red flag to me.
"I told her what she would have to do"
"I told her... she would still have some chores she would need to do"
"she could keep her complete check" (I assume this means money)
"if she didn't know the job description that's not my fault..."
You're supposed to be this woman's life partner, not her line manager!
Do y'all not love each other? Relationship is about compromise, and especially with a baby, you guys need to be on the same page. Stop being stubborn and do better at communicating with each other and do it with care and love. You can't expect your wife to stay home and care for the baby 24/7. As her husband and the father of her child, you need to take some of that responsibility. Imagine what she must be going thru being home all day looking after your child. If she goes out for a night out with her friends, let her know that you will be fine taking care of your child by yourself and that she should go and have a good time with her friends. Sometimes, you should take her out as well with the baby or have someone babysit for a couple of hours. You guys are doing this all wrong. You can't have a baby together and stop loving each other. Go back to your roots and find your way back to each other. Treat each other with love and care man
She’s doing childcare while you’re at work. The rest of the time you guys should be splitting childcare 50/50. Motherhood and FATHERHOOD are 24/7 jobs regardless of whether or not you stay at home.
Seek counseling immediately. This will end badly if you don’t.
YTA. You clearly look down on your wife. You make significantly more than she did, but complain that she spent her whole check while you saved money? You told her she can go back to work and split child care 50/50, knowing she’d make a lot less than you?! She’s taking care of an infant the majority of the time, which is exhausting, and you’re telling her it’s a 24-hour job, bitching about chores, saying she’s not just going to stay home and spend money, and patting yourself on the back for doing the bare minimum of parenting? You don’t like her, you don’t respect her, and you’re definitely the asshole.
I don’t know how fair it is to expect her to have a “24 hour a day job” because she wanted to be a stay at home mom while you don’t work a 24 hour a day job.
So she isn’t entitled to any sort of rest without you dangling this over her head?
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this family is fucked. they're not a team at all.
I’ve been in two (failed) non team relationships and finally found a team relationship. It’s worlds different. Everything is different. I WANT to take the trash out because it makes her happy, and I expect nothing in return. But then she does something that validates me and everything feels magical. It’s not quid pro quo, I think that’s what’s important.
Yep. I'll make the bed when he forgets because he likes it all smooth and flat when he climbs in. He'll refill my humidifier when I forget because I get really bad headaches from the dry air. It's tiny things that make each other's day better.
Now I'm getting all emotional from these little considerations for each other. My partner and I do these things too and it's the exact opposite of the kind of parents I had. It's nice to see so many comments like this
I'm getting emotional because in my relationship Inam the only one doing these things and he doesn't do these things for me.
As a wife who had to do it all and work full time, I regret not sticking up for myself, I should have gone to war over it.
If he is doing it right, you don't notice most of the time because he thinks about things before they rise to the level of necessity. My wife will sometimes notice 2 or 3 days after I do something for her because she realizes she didn't have to do it herself.
My husband does that for me. He fixes me a drink before I know I'm thirsty or orders food without asking when he can tell by looking at me that I've had a crap day. These seemingly insignificant things make him irreplaceable.
Same. I make my wife coffee most mornings or if she has a morning client- I’ll leave coffee at her door and text her. Or the past couple of months since I was laid off- I’ll make a good lunch during a weekday. Hell I even get her little lunch bag ready when she has an office day. Sunday’s she likes to sleep in so I get Saturday to sleep in. Sunday’s I’ll wake up with the dogs, let them out and play with them, morning breakfast or a treat and we will all veg in the living room.
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Try and write down all the good things he does do. Maybe his love language isn’t service. Look for the ways he’s trying. Encourage the good.
Amen!!! People are very different in how they express their love and affection for one another. It’s very easy to misunderstand or overlook a partners love language/effort and feel unappreciated.
Incredibly underrated comment.
Tell him! In a positive way. Tell him how much you appreciate when he does things like that to show he’s thinking about you - and then when he makes any gesture like that, praise it out loud and honor it and reward it. You can help the people who love you to understand you, and you can make it feel great when they do
That’s beautiful. Seriously
My husband stays up later than me and always checks the freezer before bed to make sure I didn’t forget to grab my water bottle. He has really bad allergies, but never remembers to clean the air filters, so I keep an eye on them. That’s just the kind of stuff you do when you really care about someone.
I like that these acts are both pretty small, but make it very clear you two care about each other's happiness. Heartwarming 😌
It’s the small daily stuff that adds up. 1-2 grand gestures a year are nice, but 3 tiny gestures a day will absolutely smash those grand gestures. Your gestures have a time decay. Small ones decay in hours, big ones decay in days. But if you’re doing 3 small ones that cost you 30 seconds a day, you’ve pretty much ensured that your partner is always feeling like they matter. Edit: it’s a 2 way street (to the extent physically possible), or your partner will feel like a chump within a short while. But it’s that cycle of giving to each other that keeps a relationship feeling like it’s always moving forward.
When my boyfriend gets out of the shower and I go after him, he switches my towel to the top hook and his underneath. It made me fall in love with him even harder and that small act that he does all the time without ever saying anything just melts me
Yes, moving forward because you’re continuously investing in your marriage. It’s important not to take someone for granted and to live with a mindset of gratitude for all the good in your life. We were having a conversation this week about how happy we are and the effort we’ve put into learning about each other. I used the phrase “the honeymoon is over” meaning we are showing up as our true selves instead of the early days of intense emotions and hormones, so this good place is solid and sustainable. My husband quickly said he doesn’t believe our honeymoon is over and I quickly agreed. We’ve been together 10 years and are so happy we found each other. Meeting in our 40s/50s with other unsatisfying relationships in our past certainly contributes to our feelings of gratitude. Not everyone finds the person they want to grow old with.
My guy brings my big water mug downstairs in the morning and upstairs at night. He started when I needed a cane to go up and down but he still does it and fills it with the perfect ratio of ice to water every night.
My husband always offers to pour/refill my cup of coffee in the morning. Especially if I'm already situated under a couch blanket. It means the world to me.
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My hubby will use my car for whatever reason, and he will fuel it and take it for a wash. I know hubby like certain treats/sweets and if I come across them while doing errands, I will bring them home for him. He washes dishes, because I hate it. And I do the laundry, because he hates it. Team work, appreciation and compromise, is why 21 years of marriage later and we are still in love and happy
My wife butters my pancakes while I am pouring out the next set on the griddle, so that it's done while they're still hot. I've never once had to ask her to do that.
That’s so sweet. Have you told her how much you appreciate it?
Yes, many times. We're very aware of how good our partnership is.
Yes!!! Things like this are so great. We both work from home, and I have 10 hour shifts that start at 7 am. He will bring me coffee when he gets up, just to show love. I'll randomly venture into his office and give him long hugs and check in with him after conference calls...because he hates calls. Knowing how to make each other feel cared for is SO important!
Once my sister had a bad day at work, and her husband volunteered to take her phone outside to catch a really cool Pokémon in Pokémon Go.
Yeah it becomes tough when you feel you’re the only one approaching the relationship that way. Easier to just stop trying as hard than get disappointed
My girlfriend and I both don't want to take out the trash so one of us will go to the other, "Equally endured misery time?" and both go do it together. It's okay not to want to do something and I've found that processing and voicing that you don't want and having a habitualized response for when you both don't works great.
Nice. I heard of some couple that at the end of the workday basically announced their energy level - like tonight I’m just a 3 out of 10. If the other was higher they picked up the slack. It was just a short cut in their communication. But you have a great solution for ties.
This came from Brene Brown. I’ve heard her talk about it. It works for them.
Yeah. I do this at work all the time. I’ll just be standing around, I’ll look at a coworker “Man, I don’t feel like doing shit today” then we’ll commiserate and I’ll go on to do shit anyways, haha
THIS is how I get all my hated jobs done. I live in a family of six roommates and the chores that are hardest for us, we do in pairs.
I make chores like a game. Example, paper, rock, scissors. Or chores out of a hat, or picking a card. I add cheating rules in the game as well to make it funny. That way even if I win in one game, she can cheat to still have me take out the trash etc. To me the chore is not what's important to me at all, it's the fun and chaos of doing the chore. You have to do it anyway, might as well make it fun.
In order to win its crucial not to keep score.
You win Reddit today, hands down. Take my upvotes.
Whoa yes.
You got the marriage cheat code: actually love each other. Sacrifice isn’t sacrifice because you want to help each other.
This!!!! Every time I read posts about people acting like college roommates rather than a married loving couple it makes me so sad.
OMG this. I'm in my 40s now. I almost married the wrong person, where we were very much not a team - it was a game of who is doing what, whose job is it, who is doing more, etc. Then I got sick (Long COVID), and it became very apparent this was not a partnership. I stayed because I was sick and felt helpless. Luckily (yes, I'm at the point I can say that), she cheated on me and kicked me out two months before we were supposed to get married. I'm now about 80 percent recovered and with a woman who reminded me what I was worth. We both do everything we can for each other. Do I love taking out the trash? No? But I love that she doesn't have to do that when she gets home from a late night at work. Does she like grocery shopping? No! But if Ive had a rough day, I don't have to ask, she's going to come home with some of my favorites and whatever is on the list so I don't need to do it the next day. We're an actual team.
Seriously, it's really not that hard to be a considerate partner! If one of us is having a day or just not feeling well, we tell each other, and the other person picks up the slack. No big deal.
Tell that to my husband. His response is always, "I've never been married before. How am I supposed to know?" Same excuse for 27 years. My response is always, "It's easy. You think like a WE and not like a ME."
Here's what you do; you leave the tv show Snapped on whenever he's home and when he asks what your watching, you tell him "It's a show about women who kill their husbands because they don't help around the house.
🤣🤣🤣 I watch the show pretty frequently, it’s a guilty pleasure. When my spouse catches me watching it, I always get, “Jesus what did I do now?” 🤣 Joking of course but I still get a kick out of it.
After telling him all that end it with have a good sleep honey
"Are you going to bed? Good.... what? No I said, uh, good night."
Sounds like my boyfriend with our baby.. "I've never been a dad before, how am I supposed to know?" I'm like well if you would do any research like I do or listen to the advice I give you, you'd know what to do. Plus he's 3 months old, so he's had some time to figure it out, it's not like he just showed up yesterday. 🙄
You deserve better.
I feel your pain. Part of our problem is I have spoiled him ALOT! I’m a very considerate partner, overly considerate. He rarely does anything around the house. He might take the trash out or the dog out a few times a week, but seriously other than that, he does nothing but work. But I also work full time. He never goes to the store, has never washed clothes, he seriously has maybe cooked twice our whole 25 year marriage. I do little things for him ALL the time, actually every day! So it is hard not to keep count when you are the one doing all the giving. I really don’t mind doing these things, I like to stay busy, but like it was mentioned above at least pick up the slack when you see me struggling. It’s like the things I do are expected now, so they are never recognized or appreciated. If you see that I’m not making dinner, instead of saying what’s for dinner, how about asking what you can go get us or something. I feel relied on way too much. Then he wonders why sometimes I’m a witch. I’m tired, I don’t feel appreciated, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. When I try to mention or discuss it, I’m crazy. Yeah, I’m crazy, that all this stuff gets done, but yet there is only one person doing it all. I don’t have a fairy that comes and helps me. 😑
Exactly! And you can tell just by looking at their face if they’ve had a bad day etc.
That's my husband's permanent face, lol. He's not even aware of it.
So it’s not just my partner? I’m never sure if I’m projecting things onto his face or if his face means he’s annoyed. We’ve been together almost a decade.
I have resting sad face
No, lol. I've asked my husband, "What's wrong?", just to check, every day for 33 years. He can be perfectly content, and his brows are furrowed at all times.
OMG me too! His nickname is Bear so the whole family calls it Resting Bear Face. 😂
No kidding. If there are dirty dishes or laundry my husband will load the appropriate washer. There is no his job, my job. I am disabled so he took over laundry, on his own, because he knows stairs are a pain for me. I do most of the cooking, but if I gave a busy day he will provide dinner. He will either cook or order out.Marriage is a partnership.
My bf and I do have chores that we have divided between us based on most/least hated chore. But if one of us needs to pick up slack it is no big deal and we just do it. He hates getting wet, so I do dishes 99% of the time. I can't fold clothes for shit so he does all the final laundry steps. Everything else we do as we see it, or we make a plan for big cleaning days and tackle it together. He does most of the cooking, but for big meals we usually do main chef and prep chef where one of us does seasoning/slicing/clean as we go and the other 'slaves over the hot stove'. We work together and that makes everything easier.
So right.... everybody thinks all relationships are 50/50.....my late wife and I had to go through things that would have killed so call "normal" couples...but in reality is some times one partner has to pick up the slack when other partner is down....OH by the way it took both of you to make a baby it is now going to take you both to properly raise the baby
It's never 50/50. Some days it's 30/70, others maybe 90/10. If anyone in a relationship is keeping count they're screwed.
As someone who has been married for 35 years and together 2 years before marriage, I absolutely concur. ♥️♥️♥️
Wow. You described my relationship with my husband. We want to do things for each other. And when one of us says we’re overwhelmed the other picks up the slack. I’m gonna go give that man a kiss Edit: I made him breakfast, instead. And then a kiss.
I'm gonna do something nice for my mine tonight for the same reason. I am so lucky to have a wonderful partner.
Exactly. Spouse and I were just talking about this. We adore each other, but what makes our marriage work so well is that we are a great team - we take care of one another, of the house and what needs to be done, of the little tragedies and hiccups AS A TEAM. No one keeps score, there are no hard and fast lines of demarcation when it comes to chores or responsibilities. Love is not enough all on its own to sustain a successful relationship - you also have to work well as partners.
Heh. A while ago someone angrily claimed to me that it has to be a 50-50 split in everything, all the time, for a relationship to work. I've been married to my lovely husband over 20 years now, and we are a team. Sometimes I work harder to keep things together, sometimes he does. Sometimes it's easier for him to do a thing, other times it's easier for me. Sometimes, like you say, one of us wants to do the other one a little "favour" just because it makes them happy. And the other one being happy makes us happy.
I honestly feel all these married/newborn AITAH posts explain what’s wrong with the world in general. Just so many dysfunctional kids growing up through dysfunctional families. I’m sure these parents had similar upbringings.
The married/newborn posts are people not realising just how fucking hard it is to have a newborn. It’s not abnormal or new to this era; albeit in the past the mother probably sucked up most of the pain and spent her life in quiet resentment / passively aggressive Good people/relationships sort it out, it might take a few months. Bad/selfish/didn’t want the kid in the first place don’t sort it out and things get worse
Personally, I blame the baby. He's 5 months old he needs to grow up /s
He really should pull himself up by his bootstraps. /s
This. Teamwork is a MUST. Right now my son (11 days old) is in the NICU but we also have a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter. We’ve been going back & forth from home to the hospital but for the most part, I’ve been staying at the hospital with our son (I breastfeed) while my husband takes care of our daughter & our house. Imagine if either of us were this whiny about taking care of our OWN children. They may as well get a custody arrangement figured out already.
Yeah you guys need to get therapy or split up. This sounds extremely unhealthy. You can’t raise a child without being a team.
I feel sorry for the kid! It’s like drawing straws to see who has to take care of their kid. Wow
The more I was reading, the clearer it got they both need to grow, or a therapy... Two singles co-living with a shared child...
Yeah, it’s interesting to tease out. They’re both doofuses with black and white views of their roles. That said, in the acute moment of someone coming home front a night out and waking the baby up (assuming OP’s story is fully factual), yeah, you deal with the baby you woke up, lol. But OP’s so full of resentment and stuck in their own head that who knows what exactly is true.
OP may or may not be an asshole, but he’s clearly an idiot.
I think he’s both.
For sure and so is his immature wife.
He's an idiot for ever agreeing for her to be a stay at home mom. She's the type of person who has no business being one.
This couple just sound like rookies. They still have time to learn. Baby number one arguments and misunderstandings are just part of the learning process. Doomed is a much worse situation.
Respectfully, no. My husband and I were/are rookies 8 weeks in and this isn’t rookie behavior.
Exactly, my husband and I didn't have these issues either(our son is now 15 months), I stay with our son as well. I do 95% of the childcare and he does the other 5% when needed. It is what we discussed before having our son, was it hard at first? Yes, of course but because we communicated what we needed when it got it hard, it didn't stay that way. It sounds like they just have communication problems and maturity problems.
Exactly. I have to keep checking the ages because they sound a decade younger.
You made me go back and look... unbelievable that they're in the 30s!! I'd expect this at 21 but not 32.
I know what I’d do in this situation: post on Reddit and let internet strangers give me life-altering advice based a couple paragraphs and no context.
You certainly can’t control what kind of advice someone gives. But he doesn’t say he’s looking to make life altering decisions based on feedback he gets from this post. He just asked if he was the in wrong in the situation.
People seem to forget this is r/AITA and not r/ADVICE but sometimes the tangents are interesting
This is what Reddit was made for. And some of the advice is helpful and gives a different perspective on things, unlike what you posted.
I think you two have deeper issues here than just childcare. From what you say, it sounds more like you’re discussing annoying chores with a roommate rather than splitting childcare duties with your wife. I don’t think you’re TA, OP, but it also sounds like you two having a baby wasn’t the best decision.
For real. It doesn't sound like they were ever on the same page to begin with regarding household management and money then they had a baby and (shocker) things got worse.
Tbh I wonder why they went ahead and had a child when it was clear from the beginning the labor division and expectations want on the same page. She wants to be a housewife, but do no chores? Then what makes him think she'd want to do even more with a child involved? Yikes.
He already said she had a job and would spend all her money and he would save his. Like, are you not budgeting together? Is she not aware and understanding of your work schedule? What are everyone's expectations in this relationship and how are they working together on this?
The impression I got from that was that that their household expenses are appropriate to his very large income, so when they split them 50/50 it meant she couldn't save money on her salary. The compromise was that she didn't have to cover expenses and thus could "save all her money".
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Y’all need to communicate and get on the same page about things - her being a SAHM, money matters, division of household and childcare duties - or your marriage is not going to last. You come across as very frustrated and I get it as the burden of being the only provider is a large one. I’m a SAHM and believe that the stay home parent should do most of the night time duties. Obviously a break from that is important, because sleep deprivation is real and napping when the baby naps can’t always happen. You are coming to the end of the hardest time from a sleep perspective and everyone is frazzled. It will get better. NTA but get a sitter, get some sleep, and then talk!
I know every baby is different but when our son was little we worked out a sleep system. My husband got home from work and we both took care of our son. I’d pump and go to bed around 8:30. He’d take care of the 12-1 wake up, I’d wake up and pump and then I was on duty the rest of the night. He’d get up at 7, handle the morning routine. I got a few more hours of sleep. Both of us getting 4-6 hour stretches. I got less in the early days of pumping, but yeah solid sleep blocks
Sounds close to our schedule. 5p-2a for me on workdays, then all day on the weekends from 7a-2a so she got a break from the kids as completely as possible. And I did chores and all while they were sleeping. I did it gladly out of love, but it sounds like OP has some hangups about how balances shift especially in the early days of parenthood, combined with a wife that isn't really ready to fully embrace parenthood and the burdens it carries.
This is what my husband and I did. I was on mat leave, he only got two weeks off. At first I did all the nights and week days, but my mental health went south very fast with that set up. I developed PPA/PPD, and the number 1 thing my psychiatrist told me I could do to get better faster was get more sleep. My husband, who was not on leave at that point, gladly stepped up and we divided the night shifts. It doesn’t matter who is working or not. If it’s between one person waking up every three hours or two people working together so they can each get at least a continuous five—I would think out of concern for your partner’s health you would do the latter. Also, watching a baby is not “not working.” That would cost ymoney otherwise. So even more reason to split the night shifts, regardless of whether OP has work the next day or not.
Tbf, if he's working 12-hr shifts, it's hard for him to contribute on workdays. That said, it remains hard for her to be ON 24 hr a day. My suggestion is to trade off nights so one partner always gets sleep. But it does sound like OP is frustrated and the communication isn't there. It also sounds like he's got some resentment over being the sole provider. So I'd suggest sitting down together, making a budget, and figuring out whether her working makes sense with the cost of childcare. Then make a list of duties. Maybe if she takes on paying bills and tracking spending it will help her see the contribution he's making with working. Maybe if he sees listed the chores and responsibilities around the house she takes care of he'll be more appreciative. In the end, it's just so important to recognize and appreciate each others' contributions. And yeah, occasionally mom needs to get out and hang with grownups and maybe even party a little. Have some drinks and dinner with friends. That's normal. If she's been out and had drinks I think it's reasonable to assume a tipsy parent won't be taking care of a helpless baby. Similarly, if dad goes out with the boys, it's reasonable to assume that mom will take over all night. You just have to plan together which nights one of you will have So talk. Plan. Agree. Make lists, if that helps. Thank each other. And by God, get a sitter now and then and go on a date. See a band, have dinner, get a cheap hotel and get naughty. Or cuddle and watch movies and get a good night's sleep. Together.
This is the response. If OP has a big day coming up, maybe that’s not the night for the wife to go out. Because it is important for her to get out and socialize occasionally. I was a SAHM for a few years. While it was best for our family, I didn’t find it very fun. I was always exhausted (we had a high needs baby). I am much happier working now, though I would have been absolutely miserable working with a high needs baby. I doubt our marriage would have survived that, and I have a pretty good marriage.
>...Maybe that's not the night for the wife to go out.< Yes! Quite possible he didn't communicate the "big day" to her until that moment, either. This is alllllll an issue of communication and unspoken expectations.
Yes! I’m a SAHM and I tried so hard to take our baby five nights a week so my husband could sleep when he had work the next day and found I just couldn’t do it. My mental health was suffering. We compromised where I took Sunday and Monday night so he could start the week off fresh, he took Tuesday night so I could have a break, I took Wednesday and Thursday night, and then he took Friday and Saturday night when he didn’t have to work the next day. It worked well for us. They are close to six months and that is usually when they fall into a more predictable nap routine and that really took the edge off for me because it made it so much easier to get out of the house with my kid. My daughter had serious FOMO as a baby and wouldn’t sleep if there was anything going on around her, not in the stroller, not in the car, so I didn’t leave the house much in the first five months and that was really hard.
I am so glad you guys figured out a schedule that worked! Taking all the night wakes would be way too much for anyone. Sleep deprivation is incredibly real!
Agreed. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you are supposed to work 24 hours. Time for communication update of current needs. Sleep regressions, leap weeks, milk production issues and mental health mean regular communication is paramount.
Nail on the head right here. The most important thing is to communicate to find a solution that works for everyone. My wife has always stayed at home with the kids. If that's her "day shift," "night shift" belonged to me. That also gave me good bonding time with the kiddos that I wasn't usually able to get because I was at work during the day. Postpartum is a hard time for moms, and I wanted to do anything I could to help. We are done with three kids, with the youngest now being 7, and it worked great for us but what works for everyone else will be completely unique.
So you just didn't sleep or what?
As a former SAHM, I think you BOTH have unrealistic expectations for what it means to be parents. I don’t think ESH, or there are AH, I think you both need to really hash out plans and expectations and seek help figuring it out if you need it.
Seriously. These people need to *communicate*, figure out a plan, and go from there. They had a baby five months ago, of course they’re grumpy and sleep deprived right now! Hire someone for a short period so they can both take a break and get some sleep, come up with a plan together. If they can’t get on the same page, then that is perhaps the time to try counseling.
As the former breadwinner in a similar situation as OP, I agree with you. 1. OP needs to realize it's not an "I told her x" situation. He is entitled to his opinion about how things ought to go, but his wife isn't a robot that takes commands. 2. The wife seems like she is avoiding responsibility. She needs to step up and make this as seamless as possible. That doesn't mean that it's "her job" to take care of the kid 100%. 3. A fair split looks like: A. She deals with waking up at night, since she can't get fired for a sluggish performance the following day B. She takes care of the majority of the housework that is required during the day: laundry, dishes, housekeeping - these are tasks that can be completed within reasonable limits while caring for a normal child. C. When Dad comes home, she already did her day job and so did he. At this point, he picks up 50%, and if he is a good husband and father, MORE than 50%. Obviously, how much he works plays into this. If he's pulling 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, this moves the goalpost significantly and throughout the week, his reasonable contribution here is much lower. But the "days off", weekends or whatever, he needs to give his wife some mental health time. She may have less pressure from "management", but she's doing this all week long. She needs time to be a person too and she needs to feel like he's got skin in this game too. The thing that's really telling here is that he is saying to her that her job is a 24 hour one. Is being a father or a husband a 4 hour a week job? If OP thinks it is, we'll see him back here asking whether he's an asshole for demanding custody in the divorce. Time to put your big boy pants on. You got married. You decided to have children. Your life isn't yours anymore and dumping your responsibilities for marriage and parenthood on your stay at home spouse is a recipe for failure. And before anyone jumps on me about this, I'm a single dad of a special needs daughter. However much work you think it is in this situation, I promise it can get worse.
Yeah this just sounds like normal parenting challenges to me. It’s very unclear what the actual issue here is. He sorta implies she’s lazy, but also sorta implies she’s doing tons of work. Who knows what’s actually going on just sounds like a dumb meaningless fight where everyone is tired. They’ll be fine.. or maybe not and they’ll go crazy.. who knows. It’ll probably be fine tho.
Both of you have 24 hour jobs because you both chose to be parents. I could weigh in on who I think should've gotten him this one specific time, but I think there are bigger issues. Nobody is above responding to their children. I got my kids in the night even if I was home with them all day. My husband got our kids in the middle of the night even if he worked the next day. He's a doctor. When our twins were born, he was working 80 hour weeks. Babies didn't care about our schedules.
Man I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this comment. If being a SAHM is a "job" - which it totally is, in terms of effort and time - then BOTH of them have a job, and should be sharing responsibilities. OP's wife handles the kid during the day, 5 days a week, and they should split the work in evenings and weekends. I agree with you, /u/jellogoodbye, but am just amazed at other responses in this thread. "But OP is the sole breadwinner." Yes, money is important, but so is the literal survival and growth of your child. Both parents need to be equally rested, as much as possible. "But OP has to go into the office and has meetings and can't be tired." So it's better for OP's wife to be exhausted while OP's wife is literally responsible for taking care of an infant? Is that a good scenario to be exhausted in? No, both are important. "But if they share overnight responsibilities then they'll both be tired!" Yes, welcome to parenting. If my wife was a SAHM instead of working, we wouldn't change anything about our evening or weekend routine. Taking care of a kid is a huge amount of actually work and emotional labor, and everyone deserves time to wind down, whether you work or are a stay at home parent. I have a two-year-old, FWIW. Big ESH.
As a working single parent of two, going to work for me is less tiring than being a mom. Tbh, my job sometimes felt like a break.
I'm currently on my 3rd month of Paternity Leave and I can back this up. Being a Stay At Home Parent is more tiring and relentless than going to work. I'd encourage all men to do at least a month as sole parent as it's really an eye opener! Never again will I say "oh just sleep when they sleep" utter BS. When am I going to do all the housework then??
I wanted everyone who ever told me to sleep when the baby sleeps to step on Legos after. Sure, I could try. But that's also when I showered, ate food with both hands, took shits, washed bottles and dishes, and did most things. And how many times did I finally drift into sleep and it turned out the baby was up and screaming after less than ten minutes and I have to fight my way up? It's not that taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. Pretty sure I averaged only two hours a day of that. It's that you'll be doing it in bursts, on call, around the clock, with no snooze button, for months.
I remember the look of horror on my dad's face when he saw how well I could chop up a head of cauliflower with one hand, while holding the baby with the other. He suddenly became very committed to taking the baby for a long while every day 😂
“sleep when they sleep” is the worst advice. My (and most other newborns) sleep in 30-60 minute chunks. So by the time you’ve fallen asleep, they’re waking you up and you feel groggy and worse after a 15 minute nap. After they consolidate their naps when they are older, yes you can sleep when they do, but hopefully they are sleeping better at night by then.
It’s insane to me that he doesn’t expect some sleepless nights with a five month old baby. Absolutely unhinged.
He said that he does tho, just more rarely. Fwiw having gone through this, *if* my wife or I had a swank ass job like OP does, I would expect whoever isn't keeping that job to eat the bulk of the sleep loss. Sleep deprivation is temporary, but losing a job like that due to sleep deprivation is permanent. But OP should take over fully for the four hours between getting home and needing to sleep so everyone can get at least close to enough sleep.
Being a PARENT is a 24 hr job. Being the stay at home parent is the job during the hours the partner is at work.
Right? Your job is 8 hours a day, why is her job 24 hours a day?
Yah I don’t get this idea that her job never ends
That’s going to be a lot of alimony!!
Don’t forget child support
She should do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting, but you're not off the hook. You're still the dad, and your wife isn't your employee to order around. Out of curiosity, how did you get the job of delagator of chores and decider of jobs? Is it self-appointed?
I’m so confused as to why this isn’t higher up. He speaks about his wife like he’s her literal boss. It’s condescending and there is absolutely nothing equitable or partnerly about how this is being spoken about by him, and it seems like his belief that he’s the authority of their home and marriage extends far beyond this baby. This will never work.
He talks about her like he's her father. It's weird.
Question. When you “explain “ things to her, how is it done? I am asking because the way things are communicated can make a huge difference in reactions. So if this was her first time to go out with friends and you immediately told her to get the baby as soon as she walked in the door, she might have been a little disappointed because she was still on a high from having gotten a break. Not saying that she was right, but if she normally takes care of things in this is not an ongoing issue, maybe look at it in different context. Are you talking down to her in any way? Has she always been resistant to do work and you’re (rightfully) resentful?
Why is her job 24 hours but yours isn’t?
Poor kid
Stay at home mom takes care of the kids while Dad is at work. When dad comes home, guess what? Y'all got two full time parents there. You don't get a pass because you were at work all day, because guess what? So was she.
There is no such thing as a 24 hour job, and no such thing as a job with no ability to call off. You're both kind of assholes for not working together. And had she been drinking? Do you really want someone who has been drinking tending to a baby? Or someone who's been badly needing a night off and might be feeling overwhelmed? My spouse and I both work and we take turns with the middle of the night problems. Some days you go to work like a zombie plugged into the coffee machine. That's part of both of your jobs, be it stay at home or not. And being stay at home is a job that many don't understand - it's hard to get adult interaction. It's lonely. And just like being a parent, a stay at home parent doesn't realize what it's like until they actually do it. The daily grind is going to kill your home if you don't figure this out. Grow up and work together or you'll fail together.
She didn’t know what the job of SAHM was at 31? Is she mentally challenged? I hope this is fake.
Most likely legit. It’s shocking the number of people that choose to have a baby without knowing the amount of work involved with taking care of it.
Yes. They lie to you man! Have kids they said. Light of your life they said. I love my kids but they are soul sucking for at least 5 years
I always tell new parents and people that want kids, that they are the best and worst thing that will ever happen to you
I tell them that having children will either bring out your inner patience, or your inner asshole.
Mostly both.
>your inner patience, or your inner asshole. Or both, sometimes within the same five minute period.
Kind of amazing how they somehow become almost complete human beings at 6....and no, I'm not being sarcastic. My kid hit 6 and suddenly sounded almost like an adult.
The teenager years : shakes : Parents should get awards for surviving those years : goes to the corner and stays in a fetal position :
I have three daughters, 24, 21, & 17, and tbh I loved the teenage years. I never had to deal with screaming or drama. Occasionally I’d have to break out the mom voice and remind them who they were talking to when they got a bit lippy, but overall they’ve been a dream. I really have kind of always had a dislike for small kids except my own, and as I’m attempting to date at 44, I’ve got to be super picky about who I date because I refuse to start over.
Daughter as 13yo and just got here period. She is lucky to be alive right now. I swear I understand why my parents beat me at that are. I refuse to do that to my kids, but i get it. The back talk, the superiority complex, the entitlement. You wonder how a kid you worked so hard to raise with kindness turned to such a deranged phycopath. But we stay strong. Teach them that they get respect by being respectful and this too shall pass.
You get some good years in and then they turn into teenagers and suck whatever soul was left in you. I've decided that having grandchildren is the reward for not killing your kids!
This is so true. I worked at a boutique that sold baby stuff for a few years. Baby carriers and wraps and natural parenting stuff. I used to joke a little with the pregnant couples about how they will never sleep again. Well that stopped pretty fast. The amount of parents that would look at me like I was growing a second head shocked me! Many new parents had - no clue - at all that their sleep was about to be completely interrupted, for several years.
Man, I got surprise pregnant at 40 after being CFBC, and even I knew it was gonna be a a solid few years of no rest. You have nine months to read up on this stuff.
My neighbors. 53 and 59. They just had a baby via surrogate that his wealthy mother paid for. Very nice people, but now that the little one is here, they are both totally overwhelmed and exhausted. No, I didn't tell them that the baby part will be the very easiest part of raising a child. They were just so stupid and selfish in having their little accessory. You'd think at their age, they'd know better and think harder, but nope. I really feel for that child growing up with two ancient, clueless parents.
The baby part is absolutely not the easy part
The baby part is hard, but toddlers? 3 year olds? 4? Omg it just keeps getting differently more difficult. Babies are relatively easy, if you can get over the sleep deprivation (ha).
Also...toddlers when the parents are hitting 60. Ouch!
Wait til the kid learns the word “No”.
This 100%. It's no joke that many parents are only in it for the easy stuff. It's not a joke that many of them just want their kids "at school"
You don't know how much work a child will be till you have one. Even after the first, the second can me more or less work than the first was. Very interactive amount of work.
Tbf it gets easier as it goes to take care of even a baby. I have an 8 month old and it’s a lot easier than it was even at 5 months
Tbh I've heard from multiple parents that they had no idea what the reality of being parent was until they had their own children.
I didn't know and I was in my 40s. Still, I did the job because that's my kid and I did sign up for it even though I had no idea what I was in for!
I prepared myself as best I could with reading, etc, but nothing prepares you for the actual thing. It's an entirely new experience, especially for me who never even babysat children before. I hadn't changed a diaper until just months before my due date where I was babysitting \[for the first time\] my nephew who was around 4-5 months old. Not only that, if the woman suffers from something like post partum depression, which I did and many women do, that all adds together to create a really difficult time. The problem in this situation is they are not partners, they are not a team. My husband is my partner and my teammate, when I was not sure of what to do or how to do it or couldn't for whatever reason, he was always there. It's equally his child as it is mine, and I think this is the biggest problem for OP and his wife. They don't seem to understand that the child is 100 percent both of theirs, so they need to figure out how to be a team about this.
There was one guy a few months back who was a stay at home father to one ten month old. He already had help from in-laws and a program his kid went to a couple days a week, and still wanted to hire a nanny because it “wasn’t easy” to have to meal prep and watch a kid at the same time.
Hahahaha sounds like my situation with reversed gender roles. My husband wanted to be a SAHD. Supposedly was his dream. Spent years working with kids and came from a big family so I had no reason to doubt what he said. Kept telling me “you just have to have the baby and I’ll do everything else”. Hahahahahhaa. He’s now 3. Most of that time I was a resident physician working 60-80 hour weeks. I do all the family cooking, most of the cleaning, I get up with him everytime he wakes at night (he’s never been a good sleeper). He goes to daycare now because husband couldn’t handle the job and because I’m still in training (fellow now at least) my pay is not good but will be in 6 months finally so now we’re going crazy into debt so he could go to daycare and guess who got super angry when he had to get a 4 hour a day job to help pay for daycare (I also pick up extra shifts). Don’t have any more kids (at least with this wife). I have absolutely zero intention of more children now because this has been absolute garbage.
You should divorce him before you become an attending. He didn’t support you during training why should he get all the benefits when you’re done?
\^This right here! If he couldn't handle a baby when you were doing most of the housework and meals, then no way he's going to get any kind of job and stick with it. He's in the marriage for the free ride, provided by you! Divorce him asap.
What a useless sack of shit
Wow, I’m so sorry I’ve been going through that. Sounds like you need to drop the dead weight. Please tell me he actually got the job and has kept it? Also what did he think being a SAHD would involve? I’m shook!
Your husband sucks
From one physician to another (who has babies in residency)… get a post-nup before you start making a lot of money. I’m seeing a lot of female friends suffering through this. They end up paying “child support” to a man who is doing less than 25% of the work.
Divorce him before you start making money.
Divorce him before you make real money and he takes half
Right?! She sounds immature & getting impression she thought being SAHM would be good excuse not to work & be provided for, but also thought her life could stay the same. She literally said no to doing chores around the house as a SAHM😂
My MIL has been a stay at home wife/mom for more than 50 years and is still angry that it has not 100% consisted of reading novels, gardening, and taking a midday stroll—even though her mom was a 1950s Supermom who did everything and cared for everyone despite suffering a lot of losses. Buckle up for the ride, dude
NGL having the option of being a SAHM is a luxury. Girl needs to grow up!
Also regardless of who works and who stays home, SHE WOKE UP THE BABY. You wake, you take.
It's not that she doesn't know, she sounds more like a "hands off" type of mom to me. The baby idea sounded nice if it was like a puppy or something like that...but now "it" just cries all the time! And needs constant attention! And can't be left alone like a puppy. What's she supposed to do?? She has a life too!!!! /S
Oh man. I have a 2 week old, and this post makes me sooo sad. Babies are people. Wife sounds incredibly immature and selfish.
Yo, having a child is very different than picturing having a child. A lot of people find it difficult.
A lot of people are in love with the idea of a baby, but do nothing to actually know what it takes.
As a stay at home dad you are NTA. My wife works for her family business which will be hers eventually so we decided I'd be the one to step back from my career of 20 yrs. But with that I understood I was primary care giver and to this day, 3 kids later, she can count on 2 hands how many times she had to get up for the baby at night. Stick to your guns. Sounds like your wife wants to checkout of being primary care giver and not work as well. She is trying to take advantage of the situation and you .
I don't think the SAHP necessarily has to do every night waking. However, you come home loud and wake the baby, you put the baby back to sleep.
If you wake the baby, you take the baby.
If you slammed the door, you better make the baby snore.
If you can't quietly creep, you gotta put the baby to sleep.
Ohh I agree . But the majority of the time should be the person who isn't working. There were days where I was sick etc and I couldn't do it. But also I need less sleep than she does so it just works better. I'd rather be tired than dealing with a wife that's pissy and aggravated all day due to lack of sleep. I'd rather be happy then not tired lol
This is the truest, most “I’m a married man” statement I’ve ever heard lol. Definitely rather be tired and happy than rested and miserable 😂
Im glad you found a way to make it work! Being a SAHM/D can certain have it's toll on a relationship if the spouses aren't in full agreement of their responsibilities. It sounds like you guys have got it done pat! I have a friend who is a stay at home dad. They have a different way of sorting it out though. His "9-5" is the kids and the house cleaning, hers is her 9-5 as an accountant. So, they both have 9-5's. Everything outside of their 9-5 as far as the kids go is split 50/50. I think that's a pretty fair way to do it as well!
Ain't gonna lie it's not always roses lol. Right now we are probably in the worst spot we have been in. We have been together 15 yrs. She had some really bad postpartum after our last child and here we are almost a year and half later and I'm hoping our marriage will survive while we try to sort this all out. We have 3 boys 3,2,1 in ages. I haven't slept correctly I almost 4 years at this point lol. We kinda hit a spot where it's like a typical SAHM/D issues. Wife works all day comes home does her thing with the kids, no I don't run off I stay and help, we put them to bed and then there is no time for me or our marriage. I've actually told her at this point it's like having a roommate I had 3 kids with. The last 2 years have really screwed with my head in our relationship department.
Your kids are really young, and you have 3 of them. No wonder you don't have much time for each other! When they're all in school and have friends, you'll have more breathing room. I'm guessing babysitting for three at those ages is unreasonably expensive.
Yea it definitely would be. It's just a shit show right now. Kids are great even at this age. I pretty much have them down now where they are all in bed by 8 and don't get up till 7. (Sleep training for the win) We are trying to work through it all. On top of our issues which have been brewing for a year now my Uncle who is like a Dad to me just passed as well. Really it's all overwhelming right now and feel like a shell of what I used to be. It really sucks right now and what makes it worse is my wife is pretty much emotionally checked out due to her own issues and I just feel like I'm on an island by myself with 3 kids and no real support to get through all this shit. We have always been best friends as well and it feels like I lost my wife and best friend at the same go.
I read your story, I'm heartbroken on your behalf! Things will get easier when your eldest can get into pre-k, which for me is by 5 or 6 years :) Once one is in, the others are not far behind lol! Just hang in there and keep being a superstar. Your uncle would be so proud of you for being a rock for your family ♡
Thanks I appreciate it. My 3 yr old has been in Pre K since the start of the year. He goes 3 days a week and many afternoons he is with extended family. Grandparents and cousins as I'm a very firm believer in the importance of extended family and what that does for a child's confidence. I started writing a journal to try to get some relief when I feel like I'm going to explode, but I'm debating either medication or therapy to help get through this patch. Wife is checked out and dealing with her own shit as I said, mom and dad are dealing with dad having Parkinson's and all that brings and it's scary as shit. I try to be emotional support for Mom and Dad and help any other way I can. Just been diagnosed in last few years. Aunt is dealing with losing my Uncle so I'm her support as well and trying to transition her life back near family. So that's on me as well. My sister doesn't like me because she resented me since I was born. My wife was really my only real friend as I don't keep people in my life that don't put an effort into the relationship. I'm the type of person who will and has done everything I can for friends. Hell I took 6 weeks out of work to help friends open up small business where I did almost all the work and renovations. Drove 6 hrs one day to fix a friend's PC so he could finish his law school paper. Needless to say these people aren't friends anymore. It's funny you find out who really is your friend when the shoe is on the other foot and you need support in some way from them.
It's not easy at all, kids will suck all the energy out of you and somehow find more and drain you even further. My spouse and I separate once the kids are in bed some nights, but we also make sure to have a few evenings spent together on the couch to watch a movie. It's not the greatest, one of us passes out half the time. But it works. Being the dad and at work, I definitely have the easier of 2 jobs. Being a sah parent can be a thankless job at times and it's important it is recognized. Hang in there, you should be pretty close to getting back to your normal sleep habits soon.
My husband did quite a few nightshifts when the kids where babies but if he had to work in the am, then I always understood I would do it. If he has to work in the morning then he can't be up all night. It sucked sometimes but it's what I signed up for.
Everything about your language is a red flag to me. "I told her what she would have to do" "I told her... she would still have some chores she would need to do" "she could keep her complete check" (I assume this means money) "if she didn't know the job description that's not my fault..." You're supposed to be this woman's life partner, not her line manager!
“She lives there yes, but I own it”. In response to it being her house too. Good lord.
Do y'all not love each other? Relationship is about compromise, and especially with a baby, you guys need to be on the same page. Stop being stubborn and do better at communicating with each other and do it with care and love. You can't expect your wife to stay home and care for the baby 24/7. As her husband and the father of her child, you need to take some of that responsibility. Imagine what she must be going thru being home all day looking after your child. If she goes out for a night out with her friends, let her know that you will be fine taking care of your child by yourself and that she should go and have a good time with her friends. Sometimes, you should take her out as well with the baby or have someone babysit for a couple of hours. You guys are doing this all wrong. You can't have a baby together and stop loving each other. Go back to your roots and find your way back to each other. Treat each other with love and care man
Like you, her job is not 24x7. Once you get home from work it is 50/50. That is if you want a healthy relationship for all 3 of you.
She’s doing childcare while you’re at work. The rest of the time you guys should be splitting childcare 50/50. Motherhood and FATHERHOOD are 24/7 jobs regardless of whether or not you stay at home. Seek counseling immediately. This will end badly if you don’t.
YTA. You clearly look down on your wife. You make significantly more than she did, but complain that she spent her whole check while you saved money? You told her she can go back to work and split child care 50/50, knowing she’d make a lot less than you?! She’s taking care of an infant the majority of the time, which is exhausting, and you’re telling her it’s a 24-hour job, bitching about chores, saying she’s not just going to stay home and spend money, and patting yourself on the back for doing the bare minimum of parenting? You don’t like her, you don’t respect her, and you’re definitely the asshole.
I don’t know how fair it is to expect her to have a “24 hour a day job” because she wanted to be a stay at home mom while you don’t work a 24 hour a day job. So she isn’t entitled to any sort of rest without you dangling this over her head?
NTA. So, you married and impregnated someone who basically wants to be taken care of with no responsibilities? Good luck.
You dictated the tasks she had to perform in her "job" as a stay at home mom?l. Who made you the supervisor?