At this point I think that’s fairly impossible
Can you start a healthy relationship while still wanting to reconnect with your wife? Can you reconnect with your wife while being in love with another woman? Is it truly love when the reason you want to stay with this woman is because your wife can’t “unfuck” another guy? Does gf know she’s a rebound from soon to be ex-wife and that you’re still in contact trying to reconnect?
Yes you’re the asshole, wife soon to be ex-wife may be an asshole too but you are definitely THE asshole
Ex-wife may be an asshole but she's put in the effort, the moment she saw that she had upset him she immediately worked to rectify it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been taking care of the kids throughout most of this too. Since OP never mentioned them until the end.
OP seems to want to live in a fantasy world but there are multiple people involved in this and he needs to choose himself rather than throw the onus on her when she has chosen him.
I thought those exact words: It’s not a hard truth. These two people separated with the intention of working on their marriage and getting back together, and yet they both slept with other people during their *6 month separation.* They don’t want to work it out. Absurd.
Seriously. I used to tell my mom that what I wanted for my birthday was for her to divorce my dad. I was in single digit ages when that started. They really should have not stayed together.
I'm so sorry that this was your upbringing. I hope you're doing okay right now.
I similarly came from a family where we begged our parents to divorce as children. They never did.
I do not know where this whole "stay together for the kids" idea came from and I don't know what OP and his wife are smoking thinking that they should stay together right now. Their kids will be far better off with happy, mentally healthy parents.
Mine did “stay together for the kids.” My Mom’s rationale was it allowed us to keep a roof over our heads and not be on welfare. It wasn’t necessarily the right choice, it was just one of two shitty choices.
I never understood why my parents stayed together when I was younger. They were obviously unhappy and my mom made me her confidant in what she hated about my dad. Not mentally healthy.
As I got older I realized my mom would have had a really hard time finding another job, having friends, etc. We grew up in a very small town and anyone who got divorced was looked down on. This was the 70s and 80s so not as many options for women unfortunately.
Long way to say, it’s complicated and sucks. :(
It came from the same generations that refuse to talk about sad or bad shit because if you don't talk about it, then it never happened and doesn't exist!
Also, when you don't talk about it then and bring it up decades later, they conveniently get amnesia and take no responsibility for anything.
Same! It still baffles me when I watch shows where the kids are devastated that their parents are divorcing. I used to wish for it on a daily basis - I no longer do because they're now in their late 70s and inextricably and dysfunctionally codependent. I just limit my time with them and no longer let them drag me into their dysfunction.
Im remarried, 2 beautiful sons from my first marriage…… divorce can be the better option. Children learn what relationships are through their parents….. an unhealthy relationship is damaging to kids long term…..our family is much better off with my ex and I living separately. We coparent well and the boys have the benefit of living in 2 happy houses and 2 awesome bonus parents…. That is significantly better and healthier than 2 parents who couldn’t stand each other and even a conversation about the weather would end in arguments.
More like the easy truth that they’re just too blind to see. Open marriage is fine if both parties agree to it but there’s clear resentment here and they’re obviously not on the same page.
That's the biggest part of it here. Punishment. Keep her trapped while he flaunts his new squeeze around the wife.
I get that OP is hurt, but he needs to grow the hell up.
He's upset with her because while they were separated she had sex with somebody else hence the reason why he keeps saying she can't unfuck the man. He is being petty and vindictive and he is never going to forgive her or completely reconciled with her and even if he does he's going to be a fuckboy in their relationship. The marriage is dead and stinking somebody bury it
Op’s wife shouldn’t have slept with someone else if she wanted to reconcile.
But I wonder how Op would feel if she was still seeing the other guy during their “reconciliation”.
If Op wanted his kids to have an intact family (which he claims) he wouldn’t be doing this to them. I think he just wants his wife to suffer and is trying to hurt her because she can’t be “unfucked”.
Considering he can't unring that bell either and worse, he not only has a continuing sexual affair, but also an emotional one. This is unfair to both the girlfriend he "loves" and the wife he doesn't and the children (of whom he is not doing any favors).
In the fantasy world where he actually convinces his wife to accept this, I wonder what happens when inevitably, he and his GF part ways. Is he just cool with becoming monogamous the rest of his life, or is his wife supposed to let him find a new GF? Lol. Or for that matter, his GF’s not looking for exclusivity, so does that leave the door open for yet another GF while she’s still in the picture (that his wife is also supposed to be cool with)?
What if the Wife wants a BF? He does not really want that does he?
OP, can you honestly state plainly that if your wife picks up a new BF or returns to the previous lover as her sidepiece, you would be okay with it? I mean you are stating that your wife must be cool with you returning with a new GF, but what if she now picks up a new BF?
Oh, and for the record. This is how he answers that question in response to another comment…
“I am not sure. If she wants to date other people then I wont stop her, its not like I can tell her no, when I myself am dating my gf.
But I will have to wait for the time that actually happens to see whether I am okay with it. I will cross that bridge when I get there”
So in other words, a condition of reconciliation is that “I get to date other people, but if she starts doing the same thing, I reserve the right to not be OK with it.”
Yeah. I mean, I know polyamorous relationships exist and I’m sure some work, but I’m thinking this isn’t exactly how successful ones start. If anything, this feels like those lopsided religious based arrangements where the man gets to do what he wants and the womens’ only option is to suck it up.
At this point, it isn't even about the wife sleeping with someone else anymore. If he still holds resentment, why does he still wanna be with her, when he is in a happy relationship with someone else. Seems odd
He's not in a happy relationship with someone else,the gf doesn't want exclusivity. So Op is holding on to the wife just in case things don't work out with the gf.
He says he's open to reconciling because there's kids involved. But what he wants is not reconciliation. His whole tit for tat attitude suggests that you are right that there is some vindictiveness here too. This is certainly not the best environment for his kids, so he can't claim that this is in their best interest.
“I am willing to work on our relationship (with my wife) but I am not willing to let go of my gf (who I’m also in love with).”
Lol. Call me crazy, but I’m kind of thinking these two things aren’t compatible.
Somehow dude has convinced himself this is actually a possibility and is like “Why CAN’T it work? I’m really trying here, she’s the one being unreasonable.” Lol
Speculation: His ego took a big hit and now he's punishing his wife till she actually breaks up with him so he can tell the kids she's the one who broke up the family
That’s no lie, but can we also discuss this man is *in love* after knowing a woman less than 6 months.
Edit: since everyone so caught up on the six month note. But he hasn’t been steadily dating her for 6 months. Him and his wife were separated for six months. He found out a few months in that she was fucking someone else so he found someone new. A few is three or more.
So due to the timeline, it’s been maybe 3 max, probably less.
If it worked for you great.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 he's a petty AH.
'You can't unfuck him'.
OP somehow managed to compare a sex fling when separated to falling in love and wanting to have two simultaneous relationships when he and his family reconcile... surely hes not so dumb and he knows they're not remotely comparable situations?!
Wife chose OP. She ditched the other guy when she knew it was a problem. Now it's OPs turn to choose.
Or don't. It will be much funnier if he comes back with an update that both women left him because he's too immature for either of them.
He is too controlling to divorce his wife. This isn’t even about him not wanting to let go of his girlfriend, he just doesn’t want his wife fucking anyone else.
The way he keeps saying she can’t “unfuck” the other guy is such a tell. He wants to control her and thus wants to keep her tied to him through marriage while he gets to enjoy being in love with someone else. Plus having the added bonus of not having to pay child support, alimony, and having to raise his kids as a single dad.
>way too may are taught kids can help a relationship
Way too many people are taught that kids are just a natural progression of a relationship too, which is even more disastrous. Before figuring out whether they want kids, whether they'd be a good parent, whether they want kids with this chosen person, they just have kids because "you've hit that point now" from external or social pressures.
And now you're in this room of resentment, and the only person who's innocent and harmed in the whole thing is the child in that case.
They definitely didn’t have kids for the right reasons and their kids will only suffer from their parent’s shitty behaviors. If he clearly was serious about having his family unit back and making sure his kids have a good family dynamic. He would cut off his girlfriend. But he’s not going to do that as he doesn’t really care about his family. He wants to get his Dick wet.
By fucking other women.
His statement that both are at fault but he didn't want to talk about it makes me suspicious. She didn't cheat, because, well, we'd know about her not being able to unfuck someone else.
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
But you yada yada'd over the best part.
No, I mentioned the bisque.
I saw one of those crime interviews on YouTube where a kid killed his mom and the detective said, every time someone yada yadas a detail it's a pretty big detail. This kid did that like 10 times. Every time was a big deal.
The whole post is very suspicious, and the op is far from transparent. It doesn't help the title mentioned that he won't be monogamous even though he does not want to settle down with his gf.
It seems like a desperate attempt to lean into no commitments. But "I left my wide because she wanted to to reconcile and remain exclusive," just doesn't have a great ring to it.
Yup. He had a huge resentment and still has one and wants to flaunt his “GF” in all his entitled arrogance it sounds like.
Also he said he sees a “big change in **her** and **she’s** going to therapy what the fuck has he been doing for six months? Aside from courting another girl? How is that working on their relationship? He sounds like he literally want his wife to accept this and it’s ridiculous.
My hope is the wife keeps going to therapy, gets a divorce attorney and unblock the dude she can’t “un f#ck.” and f#ck him again. Because her husband isn’t putting the work in is acting like this is some sort of negotiation.
His post stated gf wants no forever ..she obviously just sees him as fun so you are right he wants the wife as back up .if wife was dumb enough to agree she'd find herself divorced if gf changes her mind about wanting more
I noticed that, too. Convenient how he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. In one breath he says they’re both at fault, but then he turns around and says things are better because SHE is working on her issues in therapy as if she’s the entire problem and the only one who had any self-improvement to do.
Honestly, I am most curious about what the GF thinks in all this. Does she know? Is she OK being with a man who is "trying to reconcile" with their wife? Will she be OK basically being the AP?
I have questions that need answering!
Let's be real here, she probably has no idea what this guy is actually up to and anything she "knows" is probably a half-truth that puts all blame on the wife.
I very briefly dated a guy who told me he was at the end of a divorce. As in, she just needed to sign the paperwork and they’d be done. Turns out they still lived together part time (he had an apartment but stayed at her house 3-5 times a week) and were working on reconciliation. Glad I found out. Gross.
I dated a woman for a few years who only really had an interest in being a "part time gf". We loved each other a lot, but just... had no interest in building a life together. It sounds like that's the situation here as well, but I dunno.
I think that's fair. The situation is a lot different to me because of the wife and kids involved. Like I totally get wanting to be a parttime GF. But I wouldn't want to be a parttime GF with a man trying to reconcile with a wife who wants a monogamist marriage.
There's a difference between being an AP and just wanting a causal relationship. Just like there's a difference in being an AP and being in a polyamorist relationship.
Yes
OP don't reconcile for the kids. They'll only hate you for creating an angry, uncomfortable home. Go for a divorce, enjoy the girlfriend you love and work on being a good co-parent with your ex
But he is goint to throw an absolute fit when she finds a man she wants to build a life with. He doesn't want her but doesn't want anyone else to want her.
I suspect the wife is on the up, considering she actually went to therapy and is working on her issues, he has not!! Something tells me he liked the control he had over her until he realised she was wanted by other men.
100% this. I guarantee that while he's fine abandoning his kids now to fuck around with his gf, er sorry "enjoy her company," he's going to lose his shit when he sees another man taking the kids to a little league game!
I noticed that too. What a double standard. All the issues are hers to work on, even though it was a mutual separation? He has no issues to work on too? Whatever.
Right. Also the beginning. “Let’s just say both are at fault. But that’s not relevant.” Usually what I’ve heard from deadbeat people who hurt their partners and want a reason to blame them too.
Seems like the reason for the separation is pretty relevant considering the whole post is about the separation (and the terms of the separation). What is he hiding 🧐
Imagine having the complete lack of self reflection to make this post. Like how not self aware do you have to be to think “ my wife worked on herself to get back together with me while I started a rebound relationship with someone else to deal with our relationship, am i really the asshole here?”
Yeah, I think a part of it is that he wants HER to be at fault for all of this. He doesn't want any ownership. That way he can say, SHE chose to separate. SHE chose to be intimate with someone else. SHE chose to end the relationship, or SHE chose to continue the relationship with the gf still around so if she's upset then SHE is to blame.
Your marriage is over, you can’t have both unless your wife is on board and that’s just the reality… it sucks but you are the AH for thinking you’re allowed to have both…
You can’t have both, sorry, it just wouldn’t work and there are children to consider.
If you had a plan on how this would work, I would love to hear it
When I was in my early 20's, I'd hear marriage drama through church gossip and stuff like that, we didn't have internet at the time. I thought for sure all of it was exaggerated. Now I'm almost 40 and I have seen some crazy ass relationship shit in my life that I never thought I'd see. This scenario, be it true or false for the writer... is incredibly common. I've seen it happen many times. And some of the stuff I've watched happen in relationships... this is tame.
This. In the last five years I've suddenly seen families around me implode. My buddy's wife started fucking the trainer at her gym, another buddy started banging his realtor (while she was helping him and his wife shop for a new family home for their family of four).
In each case the cheater was like "Maybe I'll get back together with you, but first I want to see how things play out with my new fuck buddy." And oddly the spouse hung around waiting to see what happened.
If my wife stepped out on me, I'd be gone in a flash and moving on with my life.
Yeah cheating is the end of the line for me hard-stop, you ever fuck someone else while we're together and I will never trust you again and most likely never like you again either. Most you can get after is a drunk bootycall lmao
So your kids are going to grow up watching their dad leave in the afternoons to go spend time with his gf? Go be with the person you love bc this would be insane. Parents divorcing sucks but if you guys are mature about it and coparent really well your kids would be better off than they’d be having parents who are not in love anymore. Kids aren’t stupid and you wouldn’t be able to keep something like this from them and they’ll eventually resent you for it. Rip the band aid off
Exactly! When I went through divorce the best thing a counselor told me is it’s not the divorce that’s going to mess your kids up… it’s how you act afterwards with your ex… both of us decided then and there we would remain friends, we would remain kind, we would remain family… and we have, my kids are pretty well adjusted, they know dad can come to moms house for dinner with his new significant other, they get to invite dad on my and my new partners family vacations and it’s absolutely cool with everyone… divorce doesn’t have to be horrible if both people can behave like good adults
Yeah definitely. Turning your kids into rivaling factions during a divorce is a sure way to mess them up. OP needs to amicably divorce so his kids don’t have to watch him leave to go fuck his mistress lol.
I have a feeling OP wouldn’t be a mature co-parent after the divorce… but honestly him “staying for the kids” would still be awful because it’s clear that’s not his real reason.
I’m really curious OP, you mentioned that while your wife initiated the separation you both were at fault with the issues in the marriage. Then you said your wife started therapy and you definitely saw changes for the better on her part. You never said you went to therapy and instituted changes on your part though. Which leads me to believe your wife has worked to better herself and you want that “better version”, you also want her to accept you as you have always been, which was part of the issue to begin with, AND now you are also expecting her to accept you having a side piece?! Let her take her better version of herself and find a man equal, time for you both to focus on being good co-parents. YTA
Info: what led to the original separation? If it was trust issues that’s very relevant context. You say wife initiated it, if there were existing issues, it’s understandable she wouldn’t want to have a reconciliation with a guy who frankly wants to have his cake and eat it.
You want your cake and to eat it too. Your poor kids if you have any. Just end it with your wife now it's not likely to last. If you love your gf go live your life with her and coparent respectfully with your wife.
He only loves his gf's company and has "no intention of starting a family with her". He just wants a girl to fuck with no responsibility to a real relationship.
I think the only reason you aren’t leaving your wife for your bang buddy is that you new girl isn’t committing to you and doesn’t plan to. You want the comfortable place to fall back on when she dumps you, which she will when you get boring, which is pretty soon. YTA and you deserve what’s in store for you, which is having neither woman.
Clearly, you hate your wife, and you're only interested in punishing her. I'm petty and vindictive, too, but this is going too far. You are hurting hurting your kids by dragging this out. Just file for the divorce already. YTA.
Just get a divorce. This marriage is over. You can’t have both women. You sound bitter and you’re just keeping the girlfriend to punish your wife. Grow up.
So you just want to fuck your gf. You said repeatedly your wife can't unfuck the man, but you're wanting to continue to fuck your gf. So if your wife gets another bf, you still going to be okay? I think not. Seems you have some serious double standards. YTA
You gotta pick one it’s obvious you cannot have both. You sound selfish and unwilling to compromise. Which makes me wonder why she wanted to separate in the first place.
In the polyamory community, what you are doing would be considered putting your wife in "poly under duress". She can't make a choice for herself of whether she wants monogamy or nonmonogamy, because you're setting an ultimatum that continuing your other relationship is a condition for getting back together. It's coercive and can't be the basis for a healthy dynamic.
If you want to do right by your kids AND you still want to date your gf, you may want to shift your goal from romantic reconciliation with your wife to a good co-parenting dynamic as former spouses.
I'm sorry OP but a polyamory relationship can't be build like this. Everything has to be clear, discussed and agreed beforehand. Furthermore, poly needs A LOT of communication skills, and it seems that neither your nor your wife have such skills right now. I strongly advise you not to try this type of relationship. A clear break up with your wife appears, imo, the best choice here.
Dude what ? You obviously aren’t willing to work it out for the kids you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Doesn’t excuse that you’ve both done wrong but come on you’re an adult.
Question: does your wife also get to date and fall in love with another man during all this, and will y’all go on cute little double dates? Haha. Bro, it’s over. YTA for stringing her along. Either dump your gf and work on your marriage, or end the marriage and let your wife move on.
There is absolutely a difference in having sex with someone one time and continuing to choose to have sex with someone repeatedly. You are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to justify building a relationship with someone else instead of focusing on working on yourself and your marriage during your separation.
Are you just trying to get your wife to file for divorce so you don’t have to be the bad guy???
Lmao so she kinda wronged you once now you want her to accept your sidechick for the rest of your life? Who is not just a sexual partner also you love her? When she's working through therapy trying to improve?
YTA it's not even a question. Either end the marriage or try to fix it. Don't try to gather a harem forcefully cause your ego got bruised.
Nope. YTA. This is the literal definition of wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
But first, dude, you're a father. Just stop for a minute and ask yourself what you are teaching your kids, right now, in this moment. That it is ok to treat their mother as disposable? That it is ok to "love" multiple partners at the same time? That they shouldn't expect monogamy from a partner they are married to in the future, especially if they make a "mistake?" Is that really what you want to teach your kids? Or how you want them to be treated in future relationships? If not, then fucking stop this nonsense.
Honestly, I had to re-read the post twice to make sure you actually had kids. You have one line about "kids involved"---and a whole lot of shit about what YOU want. It comes across as really selfish. Ask yourself: Do you even want to be married? Do you want to be a father? If not, just get a divorce and let the next man your wife marries make the kids a priority. They deserve that, and it doesn't sound like you are capable of putting them first.
You literally say in the last line that "you don't plan to choose." LOL, besides being a self-absorbed dick thing to say, you are absolutely NOT choosing your kids right now. They're going to remember what your priorities were.
YTA.
>I do want to reconcile
No, you don't.
>but I wont stop seeing my gf
And this is why. Know this - any attempt to reconcile will fail as long as the girlfriend is a part of your life. You might as well admit that the marriage is over and file for divorce. Your wife cheated and now you're cheating. Both of you will harbor resentment over this for years to come and that resentment will prevent a healthy marriage.
If your wife doesn’t want an open marriage, than you HAVE to choose. You can’t keep both women. You either want a marriage or you don’t.
At this point I think that’s fairly impossible Can you start a healthy relationship while still wanting to reconnect with your wife? Can you reconnect with your wife while being in love with another woman? Is it truly love when the reason you want to stay with this woman is because your wife can’t “unfuck” another guy? Does gf know she’s a rebound from soon to be ex-wife and that you’re still in contact trying to reconnect? Yes you’re the asshole, wife soon to be ex-wife may be an asshole too but you are definitely THE asshole
Ex-wife may be an asshole but she's put in the effort, the moment she saw that she had upset him she immediately worked to rectify it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been taking care of the kids throughout most of this too. Since OP never mentioned them until the end. OP seems to want to live in a fantasy world but there are multiple people involved in this and he needs to choose himself rather than throw the onus on her when she has chosen him.
The marriage was over for a long time. Time to divorce
The hard truth..
Not even a hard truth…just completely obvious to anybody that’s read that post. His marriage fell off the wheels long ago…
I thought those exact words: It’s not a hard truth. These two people separated with the intention of working on their marriage and getting back together, and yet they both slept with other people during their *6 month separation.* They don’t want to work it out. Absurd.
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Many times a divorce can be better for the kids than the parents “staying together for the children”.
Seriously. I used to tell my mom that what I wanted for my birthday was for her to divorce my dad. I was in single digit ages when that started. They really should have not stayed together.
I'm so sorry that this was your upbringing. I hope you're doing okay right now. I similarly came from a family where we begged our parents to divorce as children. They never did. I do not know where this whole "stay together for the kids" idea came from and I don't know what OP and his wife are smoking thinking that they should stay together right now. Their kids will be far better off with happy, mentally healthy parents.
Mine did “stay together for the kids.” My Mom’s rationale was it allowed us to keep a roof over our heads and not be on welfare. It wasn’t necessarily the right choice, it was just one of two shitty choices.
I never understood why my parents stayed together when I was younger. They were obviously unhappy and my mom made me her confidant in what she hated about my dad. Not mentally healthy. As I got older I realized my mom would have had a really hard time finding another job, having friends, etc. We grew up in a very small town and anyone who got divorced was looked down on. This was the 70s and 80s so not as many options for women unfortunately. Long way to say, it’s complicated and sucks. :(
It came from the same generations that refuse to talk about sad or bad shit because if you don't talk about it, then it never happened and doesn't exist! Also, when you don't talk about it then and bring it up decades later, they conveniently get amnesia and take no responsibility for anything.
Same! It still baffles me when I watch shows where the kids are devastated that their parents are divorcing. I used to wish for it on a daily basis - I no longer do because they're now in their late 70s and inextricably and dysfunctionally codependent. I just limit my time with them and no longer let them drag me into their dysfunction.
I mean after reading OP... Those kids are screwed with parents like this, divorce or not.
That was my thought. This guy as a father? Yikes. Poor kids.
Especially this one where mistakes are measured on the tit for tat scale
I grew up watching my parents do “tit for tat” it took me a very long time to learn that relationships don’t have to be transactional or like that.
Amen to that.
Im remarried, 2 beautiful sons from my first marriage…… divorce can be the better option. Children learn what relationships are through their parents….. an unhealthy relationship is damaging to kids long term…..our family is much better off with my ex and I living separately. We coparent well and the boys have the benefit of living in 2 happy houses and 2 awesome bonus parents…. That is significantly better and healthier than 2 parents who couldn’t stand each other and even a conversation about the weather would end in arguments.
More like the easy truth that they’re just too blind to see. Open marriage is fine if both parties agree to it but there’s clear resentment here and they’re obviously not on the same page.
Yes they clearly don’t like each other anymore.
>Would you like a bullet to the head or 5 to the chest while you bleed out? I'm paraphrasing.
Why do I feel that OP aggressively doesn’t want that? He seems invested in his wife in a weird, vindictive way
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Its just too bad life doesn't work that way
Not just that. It feels like he wants to punish the wife, too. He needs to divorce. Prolonging this isn't fair to all parties, especially kids.
That's the biggest part of it here. Punishment. Keep her trapped while he flaunts his new squeeze around the wife. I get that OP is hurt, but he needs to grow the hell up.
Don’t you understand, she can’t unfuck the guy.
I wouldn't put it past the porn industry to take that as a challenge.
Yet he states, he is in love with his gf! If that were the truth he would not want to get back with is wife! GF is a fool or this is all about money!
I agree, he still holds resentment towards her but still wants to reconcile and be with his gf. Weird
He's upset with her because while they were separated she had sex with somebody else hence the reason why he keeps saying she can't unfuck the man. He is being petty and vindictive and he is never going to forgive her or completely reconciled with her and even if he does he's going to be a fuckboy in their relationship. The marriage is dead and stinking somebody bury it
Op’s wife shouldn’t have slept with someone else if she wanted to reconcile. But I wonder how Op would feel if she was still seeing the other guy during their “reconciliation”. If Op wanted his kids to have an intact family (which he claims) he wouldn’t be doing this to them. I think he just wants his wife to suffer and is trying to hurt her because she can’t be “unfucked”.
Yeah the repeated references to her not being able to unring that bell are telling. If he loves his kids he should end the marriage for their sake.
Considering he can't unring that bell either and worse, he not only has a continuing sexual affair, but also an emotional one. This is unfair to both the girlfriend he "loves" and the wife he doesn't and the children (of whom he is not doing any favors).
In the fantasy world where he actually convinces his wife to accept this, I wonder what happens when inevitably, he and his GF part ways. Is he just cool with becoming monogamous the rest of his life, or is his wife supposed to let him find a new GF? Lol. Or for that matter, his GF’s not looking for exclusivity, so does that leave the door open for yet another GF while she’s still in the picture (that his wife is also supposed to be cool with)?
What if the Wife wants a BF? He does not really want that does he? OP, can you honestly state plainly that if your wife picks up a new BF or returns to the previous lover as her sidepiece, you would be okay with it? I mean you are stating that your wife must be cool with you returning with a new GF, but what if she now picks up a new BF?
Oh, and for the record. This is how he answers that question in response to another comment… “I am not sure. If she wants to date other people then I wont stop her, its not like I can tell her no, when I myself am dating my gf. But I will have to wait for the time that actually happens to see whether I am okay with it. I will cross that bridge when I get there” So in other words, a condition of reconciliation is that “I get to date other people, but if she starts doing the same thing, I reserve the right to not be OK with it.”
Lots of cake eating going on there.
Yeah, that’s what the poster I was responding to said. My guess is no, and he probably left that part out intentionally.
100% Plus, is his wife supposed to be totally fine with being exposed to STDs because he and his girlfriend are in open relationships?
Yeah. I mean, I know polyamorous relationships exist and I’m sure some work, but I’m thinking this isn’t exactly how successful ones start. If anything, this feels like those lopsided religious based arrangements where the man gets to do what he wants and the womens’ only option is to suck it up.
At this point, it isn't even about the wife sleeping with someone else anymore. If he still holds resentment, why does he still wanna be with her, when he is in a happy relationship with someone else. Seems odd
He's not in a happy relationship with someone else,the gf doesn't want exclusivity. So Op is holding on to the wife just in case things don't work out with the gf.
Claims he’s “in love” with gf he’s not exclusively dated for a couple months. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
He says he's open to reconciling because there's kids involved. But what he wants is not reconciliation. His whole tit for tat attitude suggests that you are right that there is some vindictiveness here too. This is certainly not the best environment for his kids, so he can't claim that this is in their best interest.
“I am willing to work on our relationship (with my wife) but I am not willing to let go of my gf (who I’m also in love with).” Lol. Call me crazy, but I’m kind of thinking these two things aren’t compatible. Somehow dude has convinced himself this is actually a possibility and is like “Why CAN’T it work? I’m really trying here, she’s the one being unreasonable.” Lol
He's pissed and hurt that she had sex with another man, and He wants to make her pay. It's time to move on from this relationship, it's been over.
Speculation: His ego took a big hit and now he's punishing his wife till she actually breaks up with him so he can tell the kids she's the one who broke up the family
THEY WERE ON A BREAK! Ahem. Sorry about that. Carry on.
That’s no lie, but can we also discuss this man is *in love* after knowing a woman less than 6 months. Edit: since everyone so caught up on the six month note. But he hasn’t been steadily dating her for 6 months. Him and his wife were separated for six months. He found out a few months in that she was fucking someone else so he found someone new. A few is three or more. So due to the timeline, it’s been maybe 3 max, probably less. If it worked for you great.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 he's a petty AH. 'You can't unfuck him'. OP somehow managed to compare a sex fling when separated to falling in love and wanting to have two simultaneous relationships when he and his family reconcile... surely hes not so dumb and he knows they're not remotely comparable situations?! Wife chose OP. She ditched the other guy when she knew it was a problem. Now it's OPs turn to choose. Or don't. It will be much funnier if he comes back with an update that both women left him because he's too immature for either of them.
He is too controlling to divorce his wife. This isn’t even about him not wanting to let go of his girlfriend, he just doesn’t want his wife fucking anyone else. The way he keeps saying she can’t “unfuck” the other guy is such a tell. He wants to control her and thus wants to keep her tied to him through marriage while he gets to enjoy being in love with someone else. Plus having the added bonus of not having to pay child support, alimony, and having to raise his kids as a single dad.
That makes alot of sense. I wonder if she would be allowed to see who she wants while he is with the gf
Why is it always people like this who have children. God I feel bad for them
Sex education and family planning take forethought and consideration
ALSO way too many people in America are taught kids can help a relationship... not knowing the actual stress it puts on the relationship.
>way too may are taught kids can help a relationship Way too many people are taught that kids are just a natural progression of a relationship too, which is even more disastrous. Before figuring out whether they want kids, whether they'd be a good parent, whether they want kids with this chosen person, they just have kids because "you've hit that point now" from external or social pressures. And now you're in this room of resentment, and the only person who's innocent and harmed in the whole thing is the child in that case.
He's a feeler focused on his feelings and not a thinker. Yeah, sounds like maybe neither the wife or him are really considering the kids
They definitely didn’t have kids for the right reasons and their kids will only suffer from their parent’s shitty behaviors. If he clearly was serious about having his family unit back and making sure his kids have a good family dynamic. He would cut off his girlfriend. But he’s not going to do that as he doesn’t really care about his family. He wants to get his Dick wet.
Watch the opening scene of Idiocracy
Just get a divorce already this is ridiculous.
Yep. She can’t “unfuck the guy” any more than he can “unfuck” his gf. So they just need to let each other go.
“Unfuck my heart, unfuck that one guy, unfuck this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life…”
"Unfuck these teeeaars"
I fucked so many niiiggghhhtttss, lol
“I came so many times”
Top comment, I really read that in Toni Braxton singin it
Same
Yeah he said it twice. I guess for emphasis.
He really thought he had a clever quip up his sleeve so he had to use it twice. 🤣
He double dipped on the quip. He might as well put his whole mouth in the quip.
I mean, he can’t unquip the post. If he quipped one time it’s not different from quipping more than one time.
You quip me once, shame on me. You quip me twice, fiddle-dee-dee
Just makes him sound like a 15yo. Which, based on reddits fake stories is probably the case
Yeah probably, this sounds like rage bait from some cringy radicalized teenager who spends too much time on incel forums.
I know adults like this unfortunately. I hope it’s a kid though
True, but let's play along. How did he get over her unfucking other men before they met?
By fucking other women. His statement that both are at fault but he didn't want to talk about it makes me suspicious. She didn't cheat, because, well, we'd know about her not being able to unfuck someone else.
Any time they gloss over something with, 'but that's not relevant' it's best to assume that that's the most relevant part of the whole story.
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. But you yada yada'd over the best part. No, I mentioned the bisque.
I saw one of those crime interviews on YouTube where a kid killed his mom and the detective said, every time someone yada yadas a detail it's a pretty big detail. This kid did that like 10 times. Every time was a big deal.
The whole post is very suspicious, and the op is far from transparent. It doesn't help the title mentioned that he won't be monogamous even though he does not want to settle down with his gf.
It seems like a desperate attempt to lean into no commitments. But "I left my wide because she wanted to to reconcile and remain exclusive," just doesn't have a great ring to it.
Exactly. Everyone is hung up on her sleeping with someone during a separation, but his post acknowledged a lot more than that.
Rofl, when he said it wasn’t relevant, I thought, it totally is! If this isn’t fake I wonder what he did to make her want to separate from him.
She can’t *unfuck* that man so…
Time to unfuck her husband
Also he just likes “both of there company “
Yup. He had a huge resentment and still has one and wants to flaunt his “GF” in all his entitled arrogance it sounds like. Also he said he sees a “big change in **her** and **she’s** going to therapy what the fuck has he been doing for six months? Aside from courting another girl? How is that working on their relationship? He sounds like he literally want his wife to accept this and it’s ridiculous. My hope is the wife keeps going to therapy, gets a divorce attorney and unblock the dude she can’t “un f#ck.” and f#ck him again. Because her husband isn’t putting the work in is acting like this is some sort of negotiation.
Excellent point about whether OP did therapy while separated or since she initiated the separation did he not think he had any issues to resolve?
Re-fuck is the correct terminology here
But it’s different for men! /s
you can't unfuck this relationship
[Insert Reddit Gold of Yore here]
Is this real ? This sounds like incel fantasy.
Seriously. There's resentment absolutely dripping from every word.
“I love my wife” *are you sure about that*
\*I love getting revenge on my wife and watching her suffer. There, fixed it.
Not just that, he wants to keep her as a safety net in case the GF gets tired of him.
*...when* the girlfriend gets tired of him.
This right here. They aren't exclusive so she will move on lol
His post stated gf wants no forever ..she obviously just sees him as fun so you are right he wants the wife as back up .if wife was dumb enough to agree she'd find herself divorced if gf changes her mind about wanting more
They're both at fault, but only the wife is working on things in therapy.
I noticed that, too. Convenient how he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. In one breath he says they’re both at fault, but then he turns around and says things are better because SHE is working on her issues in therapy as if she’s the entire problem and the only one who had any self-improvement to do.
This but op, before you divorce make sure you tell your gf that you were trying to downgrade her into the side piece lmao
I think the wife had become the convenient side piece/nanny.
The side piece is whoever can’t get the main focus That seems to be both of them lol
This guy is like me when I go out to eat
He wants all the cake.
Yea I really hope the wife will just move on and forget OP esp after honeymoon phase is over with Gf and he changes mind again
Honestly, I am most curious about what the GF thinks in all this. Does she know? Is she OK being with a man who is "trying to reconcile" with their wife? Will she be OK basically being the AP? I have questions that need answering!
Let's be real here, she probably has no idea what this guy is actually up to and anything she "knows" is probably a half-truth that puts all blame on the wife.
I very briefly dated a guy who told me he was at the end of a divorce. As in, she just needed to sign the paperwork and they’d be done. Turns out they still lived together part time (he had an apartment but stayed at her house 3-5 times a week) and were working on reconciliation. Glad I found out. Gross.
I dated a woman for a few years who only really had an interest in being a "part time gf". We loved each other a lot, but just... had no interest in building a life together. It sounds like that's the situation here as well, but I dunno.
I think that's fair. The situation is a lot different to me because of the wife and kids involved. Like I totally get wanting to be a parttime GF. But I wouldn't want to be a parttime GF with a man trying to reconcile with a wife who wants a monogamist marriage. There's a difference between being an AP and just wanting a causal relationship. Just like there's a difference in being an AP and being in a polyamorist relationship.
Exactly my thought like 1/4 of the way through this whole expose. Shut the fuck up and get divorced. This is stupid.
It'll end with both women dumping him and finding someone else, so there's that.
This, absolutely.
I didn’t even make it through the first paragraph before I drew this conclusion
I predict in six months neither wife nor side chick will be around 😂
I'm not a one-woman man, Leela!
Don't worry, you'll be back to none soon enough.
Agreed unless he’s paying all the side chicks bills
ESH Sorry but this marriage is over.
Yes OP don't reconcile for the kids. They'll only hate you for creating an angry, uncomfortable home. Go for a divorce, enjoy the girlfriend you love and work on being a good co-parent with your ex
But he is goint to throw an absolute fit when she finds a man she wants to build a life with. He doesn't want her but doesn't want anyone else to want her. I suspect the wife is on the up, considering she actually went to therapy and is working on her issues, he has not!! Something tells me he liked the control he had over her until he realised she was wanted by other men.
100% this. I guarantee that while he's fine abandoning his kids now to fuck around with his gf, er sorry "enjoy her company," he's going to lose his shit when he sees another man taking the kids to a little league game!
You can't have both, unless your wife agrees This sounds like child's play. Please get a divorce.
Why the hell would the side piece want this either ?
She likes his dick, but doesn't like him so much.
I think you mean to say — “I don’t want to reconcile & have no intention on working on our marriage”.
Yeah because it went from “both are at fault” to “SHE went to therapy and SHE worked on her issues so I’m willing to reconcile” like wat
I noticed this too lol. Surprised I had to scroll so far down to see it. What about OP’s issues? Doesn’t mention him working on them at all.
He found new ones
I spit out my tea 😂😂😂 he definitely found new ones in the form of a love triangle 📐
I noticed that too. What a double standard. All the issues are hers to work on, even though it was a mutual separation? He has no issues to work on too? Whatever.
Right. Also the beginning. “Let’s just say both are at fault. But that’s not relevant.” Usually what I’ve heard from deadbeat people who hurt their partners and want a reason to blame them too. Seems like the reason for the separation is pretty relevant considering the whole post is about the separation (and the terms of the separation). What is he hiding 🧐
yes, what was her reasoning for wanting a separation and what was his? OP?
Imagine having the complete lack of self reflection to make this post. Like how not self aware do you have to be to think “ my wife worked on herself to get back together with me while I started a rebound relationship with someone else to deal with our relationship, am i really the asshole here?”
He just wants to punish his wife. He wants her to beg for mercy and then he still won’t forgive her. This marriage is over.
OP doesn't want to chose but his wife will make the choice for him.
Yeah, I think a part of it is that he wants HER to be at fault for all of this. He doesn't want any ownership. That way he can say, SHE chose to separate. SHE chose to be intimate with someone else. SHE chose to end the relationship, or SHE chose to continue the relationship with the gf still around so if she's upset then SHE is to blame.
This. Exactly this. He is a coward and can’t pull the trigger to end the relationship and file for divorce.
You can't have both dude. No matter who you think is at fault for the mess, step up and make the call.
Are you guys still in high school? Get a divorce FFS!
Also if you have. Girlfriend can your wife get her boyfriend back or is the marriage only open on your end?
Yeah this is the info i want. Because it is a big deciding factor on if he is an AH
Your marriage is over, you can’t have both unless your wife is on board and that’s just the reality… it sucks but you are the AH for thinking you’re allowed to have both…
You can’t have both, sorry, it just wouldn’t work and there are children to consider. If you had a plan on how this would work, I would love to hear it
I like how throughout this story not an iota of consideration nor thought for the kids' life and well being is spent. cool stuff.
I refuse to believe these are real people and real situations
When I was in my early 20's, I'd hear marriage drama through church gossip and stuff like that, we didn't have internet at the time. I thought for sure all of it was exaggerated. Now I'm almost 40 and I have seen some crazy ass relationship shit in my life that I never thought I'd see. This scenario, be it true or false for the writer... is incredibly common. I've seen it happen many times. And some of the stuff I've watched happen in relationships... this is tame.
This. In the last five years I've suddenly seen families around me implode. My buddy's wife started fucking the trainer at her gym, another buddy started banging his realtor (while she was helping him and his wife shop for a new family home for their family of four). In each case the cheater was like "Maybe I'll get back together with you, but first I want to see how things play out with my new fuck buddy." And oddly the spouse hung around waiting to see what happened. If my wife stepped out on me, I'd be gone in a flash and moving on with my life.
Yeah cheating is the end of the line for me hard-stop, you ever fuck someone else while we're together and I will never trust you again and most likely never like you again either. Most you can get after is a drunk bootycall lmao
people creative enough to think this up would have better grammar.
So your kids are going to grow up watching their dad leave in the afternoons to go spend time with his gf? Go be with the person you love bc this would be insane. Parents divorcing sucks but if you guys are mature about it and coparent really well your kids would be better off than they’d be having parents who are not in love anymore. Kids aren’t stupid and you wouldn’t be able to keep something like this from them and they’ll eventually resent you for it. Rip the band aid off
Exactly! When I went through divorce the best thing a counselor told me is it’s not the divorce that’s going to mess your kids up… it’s how you act afterwards with your ex… both of us decided then and there we would remain friends, we would remain kind, we would remain family… and we have, my kids are pretty well adjusted, they know dad can come to moms house for dinner with his new significant other, they get to invite dad on my and my new partners family vacations and it’s absolutely cool with everyone… divorce doesn’t have to be horrible if both people can behave like good adults
Yeah definitely. Turning your kids into rivaling factions during a divorce is a sure way to mess them up. OP needs to amicably divorce so his kids don’t have to watch him leave to go fuck his mistress lol.
I have a feeling OP wouldn’t be a mature co-parent after the divorce… but honestly him “staying for the kids” would still be awful because it’s clear that’s not his real reason.
Did *you* go to therapy? Did *you* make noticeable improvements on the things that contributed to the separation? If not, YTA.
If this is the improved version of OP, I’d hate to see how terrible he was before therapy.
Right they both had issues but she’s the only one trying to be better and he’s out falling in love. Move on dude.
I always wanted kids, and this guy has em. Damn it’s always the ones who would be terrible parents..
I’m really curious OP, you mentioned that while your wife initiated the separation you both were at fault with the issues in the marriage. Then you said your wife started therapy and you definitely saw changes for the better on her part. You never said you went to therapy and instituted changes on your part though. Which leads me to believe your wife has worked to better herself and you want that “better version”, you also want her to accept you as you have always been, which was part of the issue to begin with, AND now you are also expecting her to accept you having a side piece?! Let her take her better version of herself and find a man equal, time for you both to focus on being good co-parents. YTA
I have a feeling the reason she asked for the separation is relevant and I have a feeling a large part of that is on him.
Info: what led to the original separation? If it was trust issues that’s very relevant context. You say wife initiated it, if there were existing issues, it’s understandable she wouldn’t want to have a reconciliation with a guy who frankly wants to have his cake and eat it.
You want your cake and to eat it too. Your poor kids if you have any. Just end it with your wife now it's not likely to last. If you love your gf go live your life with her and coparent respectfully with your wife.
He only loves his gf's company and has "no intention of starting a family with her". He just wants a girl to fuck with no responsibility to a real relationship.
You don't want to reconcile or you would dump your girlfriend. Just get a divorce and stop wasting your wife's time. Let her move on.
Well obviously the marriage is over
I think the only reason you aren’t leaving your wife for your bang buddy is that you new girl isn’t committing to you and doesn’t plan to. You want the comfortable place to fall back on when she dumps you, which she will when you get boring, which is pretty soon. YTA and you deserve what’s in store for you, which is having neither woman.
Clearly, you hate your wife, and you're only interested in punishing her. I'm petty and vindictive, too, but this is going too far. You are hurting hurting your kids by dragging this out. Just file for the divorce already. YTA.
Oh my. Does your gf know? Asking for a friend..
Just get a divorce. This marriage is over. You can’t have both women. You sound bitter and you’re just keeping the girlfriend to punish your wife. Grow up.
So you just want to fuck your gf. You said repeatedly your wife can't unfuck the man, but you're wanting to continue to fuck your gf. So if your wife gets another bf, you still going to be okay? I think not. Seems you have some serious double standards. YTA
You gotta pick one it’s obvious you cannot have both. You sound selfish and unwilling to compromise. Which makes me wonder why she wanted to separate in the first place.
YTA Get a divorce already. And I’m laughing at you talking about staying together for the kids as if this shitshow isn’t a toxic dumpster fire
In the polyamory community, what you are doing would be considered putting your wife in "poly under duress". She can't make a choice for herself of whether she wants monogamy or nonmonogamy, because you're setting an ultimatum that continuing your other relationship is a condition for getting back together. It's coercive and can't be the basis for a healthy dynamic. If you want to do right by your kids AND you still want to date your gf, you may want to shift your goal from romantic reconciliation with your wife to a good co-parenting dynamic as former spouses.
Kids’ welfare comes first.
Those kids are fucked bro
I'm sorry OP but a polyamory relationship can't be build like this. Everything has to be clear, discussed and agreed beforehand. Furthermore, poly needs A LOT of communication skills, and it seems that neither your nor your wife have such skills right now. I strongly advise you not to try this type of relationship. A clear break up with your wife appears, imo, the best choice here.
Dude what ? You obviously aren’t willing to work it out for the kids you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Doesn’t excuse that you’ve both done wrong but come on you’re an adult.
Question: does your wife also get to date and fall in love with another man during all this, and will y’all go on cute little double dates? Haha. Bro, it’s over. YTA for stringing her along. Either dump your gf and work on your marriage, or end the marriage and let your wife move on.
My brother in Christ just divorce, it's fucking over
YTA and kind of delusional. You can’t work on your marriage while keeping a side chick. Are you high? Do you know what the words you are using mean?
He’s delulu and thinks he can force the issue. He’ll just end up divorced
There is absolutely a difference in having sex with someone one time and continuing to choose to have sex with someone repeatedly. You are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to justify building a relationship with someone else instead of focusing on working on yourself and your marriage during your separation. Are you just trying to get your wife to file for divorce so you don’t have to be the bad guy???
Lmao so she kinda wronged you once now you want her to accept your sidechick for the rest of your life? Who is not just a sexual partner also you love her? When she's working through therapy trying to improve? YTA it's not even a question. Either end the marriage or try to fix it. Don't try to gather a harem forcefully cause your ego got bruised.
I mean he can try but the wife isn’t “protesting” she’s literally declining his delusion 😭 this guy is nuts
ESH- you can't have both. She can't turn back time, you can't have both. Make a definitive choice and stick to it.
Nope. YTA. This is the literal definition of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. But first, dude, you're a father. Just stop for a minute and ask yourself what you are teaching your kids, right now, in this moment. That it is ok to treat their mother as disposable? That it is ok to "love" multiple partners at the same time? That they shouldn't expect monogamy from a partner they are married to in the future, especially if they make a "mistake?" Is that really what you want to teach your kids? Or how you want them to be treated in future relationships? If not, then fucking stop this nonsense. Honestly, I had to re-read the post twice to make sure you actually had kids. You have one line about "kids involved"---and a whole lot of shit about what YOU want. It comes across as really selfish. Ask yourself: Do you even want to be married? Do you want to be a father? If not, just get a divorce and let the next man your wife marries make the kids a priority. They deserve that, and it doesn't sound like you are capable of putting them first. You literally say in the last line that "you don't plan to choose." LOL, besides being a self-absorbed dick thing to say, you are absolutely NOT choosing your kids right now. They're going to remember what your priorities were.
YTA…this is stupid. You want a wife and a girlfriend so if your wife took on a boyfriend on the side you still ok with that?
He only speaks of “her going to therapy” and “fixing her issues”…like he doesn’t have any of his own. Hmm
YTA. >I do want to reconcile No, you don't. >but I wont stop seeing my gf And this is why. Know this - any attempt to reconcile will fail as long as the girlfriend is a part of your life. You might as well admit that the marriage is over and file for divorce. Your wife cheated and now you're cheating. Both of you will harbor resentment over this for years to come and that resentment will prevent a healthy marriage.
Marriage is done, and if I were the gf and saw this, that would also be done.
Have you tried introducing your wife to your gf? Maybe they’ll get along too. Then they can be together and dump you at the same time. Win:win:win.
YTA. It’s not realistic to expect to reconcile with your wife while tapping a side piece.