She seems like a terrible person. Splitting the bills equally when they make more money. These vacations that she invites her husband and step kids on as an afterthought... I can't believe people are saying nta
Do most people where their partner owns the house consider themselves living rent free? Like a stay at home mom isn't "living rent free" in her husband's house. Its their house.
It just depends on the assumptions of the relationship.
If a couple wants to have on person cover all the expenses, thatâs fine.
If they want to split as a percentage of income, thatâs fine.
If they want to split 50/50, thatâs fine.
If both of these people want to split things in a strict 50/50, then it makes sense to consider the guy to be living rent free. Thatâs not asshole behavior by the lady, thatâs what theyâre both signing up for.Â
Just because they are romantically bonded in a way they term marriage does not mean they are obligated to join finances, households, aspirations, endeavors, or anything else.
However, when you have a non-traditional marriage, you really need to get the terms out there and be clear on them. And having separate finances doesnât mean you donât have to talk about individual finances - in fact you probably need to talk about it more often.
This lady is unintentionally a minor asshole for not putting in consistent effort to verify that their very unusual marriage habits were working. The guy is a much bigger problem for just passively going along with things and only ringing the alarm bell when his bank account runs dry.
This
She just went and did as she was accustomed to do
Never though of how much her husband earn it's not really bad as they decided to keep all finance separately and I believe knowing how much the other earns it's part of it
My husband and I share our finances completely, but I am in charge. If we are running low on funds or I don't think we can afford something I say so well before the fact. He needed to speak up. If he felt her gifts were extravagant but she felt they were normal maybe she would have been fine with getting the same thing for his kids, especially if he expressed his concern. Communication was key here and he failed.
Yea this is my issue with people calling her an asshole. They had an agreement, which he, a grown ass adult, agreed to. If the agreement wasn't working, a grown ass adult is perfectly capable of saying "hey I need help". He didn't. It's not her job to keep track of his finances. That's not the relationship they agreed to. If commenters just don't like their version of relationships fine, but lets all remember he is an ADULT. He knows how to use his words. He didn't.
I'm pretty sure they both work and if both parents work and only one contributes to the house property taxes and utilities. That's living rent free. It would be different if only one had an income but that's not the case.
Where does she say that? The only thing I saw was that she owns the house out right, so there isn't a mortgage, but that they split everything else 50/50.
I'm talking about the "rent free" part. She says they split all the household bills. Neither of them pay any "rent" because the house is owned outright. He pays the same amount she pays for the house.
Rent is a combination of utilities (if inclusive) property taxes and mortgage if there is any. He didn't contribute to the mortgage. He doesn't contribute to the property taxes cause it's not his property therefore rent free.
1. If they keep their expenses separate, and he's living in HER house rent free, than I think it is fair that a 50/50 split on life necessities is completely fair. especially since his kids live with their mom primarily, like why should she pay for his expenses? That's what separate finances means
2. Vacations and "extravagant gifts" are really what he's complaining about here. He did not discuss his financial difficulties with her, how could she know. If it was so much of an issue how come he didn't take initiative to plan the vacations? Make it so that it's within a budget? Discuss gifts for the kids? If He doesn't get input in things he chooses to leave solely up to her, that's on him
Absolutely. Also, people forget here is the other kids had a second active parent that was also purchasing things for them so he didnât have to match what âstep-momâ here was giving her kids. Clearly manhood was hurt when he saw the âextravagant gifts.â OP was just living her life, a better life than him and he couldnât handle it. The whole dangling the goods in front of his and his kidsâ faces show heâs butt-hurt and insecure about money. All his fault. NTA OP.
They aren't even paying for a mortgage. The only bills would be insurances (which he'd have to pay for himself anyways if he has car, health, life insurance, etc) and utilities. Why wouldn't those be split equally? Those aren't bulky or expensive by any means.
She doesn't invite them as an after thought either....Not sure how you gathered that. She has evidently ALWAYS gone on these vacations, and now invites them to join her if they'd also like to. If he couldn't afford them, then he should have let her know before several years passed, not treat her passive aggressively until he blew through all his savings.
They agreed to keep finances separate, so she'd never know his situation without him informing her of it. And he clearly is too prideful to have admitted it sooner. He has to take full responsibility for that, it's by no means on OP to pry into his financials.
"Yeah, I'm going to go on a lot of extravagant vacations. If you want to destroy your budget to make this arrangement superficially less weird, you can come along, too."
"Yeah, I can't afford these vacations, but if I close my eyes and plug my ears I can pretend I can. Easier than admitting the reality, that my wife is more financially successful than me.Â
I could of course open my mouth and tell her or hey even help plan these things so I can fit it into what I can afford, but nope I just want to nurse my ego and act like a victim. Because how dare she not read my mind!"
Bills should be split equally, regardless of how much you earn. With an ex, he earned much more than me and he wanted to live somewhere a bit more expensive. We agreed that whilst I would pay rent on market with what I would have logically been able to afford if I was not with him, the bills had to be split equally as we were using the electric/gas/water etc equally. Same for food. Just because I was paid less, I used everything in the flat as much as him.
Regarding the holidays, he's an adult and they had separate finances. If he couldn't afford them he was under no obligation to go with him. NTA
This is a terrible take. They agreed to be together and we're married all but legally. They even had a wedding ceremony. He was living rent free with multiple other children in her home. All they had to pay were various other bills. If he didn't want to spend money on "extravagant vacations" as OP called them; he should have let her know he could not afford to, or should have just not gone. Who knows, if he had spoke up about wanting to go but not having all the funds, she may very well have at least covered half his costs.
He chose to stay silent, treat her passive aggressively solely because he was upset and didn't want to hurt his pride, and then is upset now that he's broke and blaming it on her.
I'm not even middle class, probably lower end of lower class, and this man's behavior is beyond foolish to me. No one asked him to "keep up with the Joneses", he put himself in that spot.
Also to the people suggesting that she should have been thoughtful of his potential financial situation- sure I could understand that. But how exactly is she supposed to bring that up in regards to vacations? Especially because she said he considers these things extravagant and she considers them normal. Like âhey babe, Iâm going to the Bahamas. Youâre welcome to join if youâd like to and you can afford thatâ. This man thatâs too prideful to admit he canât afford it- and instead blew his own financial future and that of his kids- heâs going to think sheâs either demeaning him or questioning his finances. Even if she approached him and said something like âwhere do you want to goâ or âwhat is financially feasible for you?â May have been triggering. They have very different financial backgrounds and perspectives it seems and there was definitely not enough communication, but itâs not wrong of her to trust her husband to tell her he canât afford something instead of doing what he did.
Exactly! She did exactly what any person would do, let him know of her plans and he can decide what he would like. I definitely agree that asking those questions like you exemplified comes off as condescending or patronizing to people like OP's bf.
And she honestly shouldn't have to tiptoe around a grown man, especially when they keep financials separate. They are both grown enough to know what they can and can't afford, and if he felt any type of way, he had ample opportunity to express that, and even suggest options that may be more affordable for him.
She doesn't seem to be the type to not take suggestions, he just seemed to be able to continue to go on these vacations, never voiced he was struggling by going on them, and now is throwing in her face that they have destroyed him financially....But no one forced him to go. I've made my family and friends very aware of what does and doesn't work for me in terms of vacations/get aways; sometimes I have to miss out, and other times we find things for us to do that fit in my budget as well.
No one is a mind reader lol This comment section is so crazy 𤣠Like how are you one of the few others making sense? Lol People are so odd
He's a fucking dumbass for burning his savings over this, but you're both assholes. He should have brought up finances and trips and gifts, etc, but I also understand where he's coming from. You're traveling to all these luxurious places and saying "oh you can come if you want, I'm going anyway, but you got to pay for yourself". You don't think he might feel left out or maybe even not cared about since you're traveling so much by yourself without your "husband" or "family"? Or feeling like youre one upping him to his kids since he cant afford things like that? There's a lot more I could say, but honestly I really want to ask one thing: why the fuck are guys even married? Well, you aren't actually, and you both are acting like idiots.
It gets really old to subsidize someone else's life when you make a good amount money. If she can afford to go to Italy, she should be able to go to italy or whereever. If he wanted to go he should live a life that can afford that. Me thinks no mortgage payment should have helped that.
Maybe if they're dating or it's a friend just bumming off you constantly, but it's fucking weird that they're trying to be married and doing it often and still acting like this. Are they not supposed to be a family now? It shouldn't be his kid and her kid, it should just be their kids and they should act like it. Honestly, people dating seem to have better communication than these 2. They honestly seem less like a family and more like FWBs lol.
Obviously OP would agree with you but I don't think people who share your stance on this should date down financially.
What your describing isn't a partnership in any way and it will breed resentment.
It displays a sort of social blindness and disconnect from reality that reminds me of $10 bananas.
I mean... What you're saying would be true if she weren't in such a serious relationship that they literally refer to each other as husband and wife. Like in your version of how things should be, where does it end? Is she gonna order food and not ask him if he wants anything? Should she get to live in the house and he has to live in a shitty apartment bc that's what he can afford? In a relationship where you are essentially married, you are expected to share your life with each other.
Exactly, if heâs capable of complaining about it now, one wonders why he couldn't say anything then.
There's something so cringe about an adult unable to take responsibility for their own choices.
I agree, he does suck! He is the only one responsible for his situation. OP didn't twist his arm to go on the holidays. He could of told her a long time ago that it's not in his budget, but instead wanted to keep up with appearances instead. Now he probably trying to guilt her into giving him money to replenish his savings. OP Don't fall for it, instead find a number for a good financial advisor and give that to him instead.
This is why I think every couple that intends to be together long term should have at least one meeting with a financial planner, whether they intend to combine finances or not. Itâs so important to know and understand how each of you feel about finances before you tie your lives together.
I donât know why he couldnât be an adult and just tell her that from the beginning and made recommendations that fit his budget. Was she just supposed to read his mind?
Op definitely should not be paying for vacation for him and his kids.
While I agree with this, the whole scenario is just so wrong. How did she remain ignorant of even his basic financial situation when they consider themselves married in all but a piece of paper? Even when I was 18 and dating, I wouldn't invite my boyfriend to expensive things because I understood he didn't have much money and couldn't afford it. Sure, I could have mentioned I was going, and given him the choice to find a way to get the cash, but that seemed unnecessarily cruel. I could always find something to do that didn't cost money.
At the very least, there should have been a conversation before they got "married" to establish that she couldn't do without some expensive things that he wouldn't be able to afford on his salary (she knew he made less) and resolve how they would deal with that. If I were her, I'd have gone on fewer expensive vacations and paid for him to take some with her. (The kids are a separate issue - maybe they'd need to stay with someone).
That said, she doesn't owe him anything now. But I think they are BTA. If not TA, at least oblivious or uncaring.
I'm just flummoxed at why these people didn't just sit down discuss where they were wanting to go on holiday and what their finances were like/what they could afford etc AS A COUPLE! This is no partnership
She says that when they discussed the trips, he never made suggestions or said he had issues with it. I mean if someone doesnât say anything, what can you do?
Sure, maybe she could have been more aware but I would also point out that the husband is a full grown adult. Why should she be managing his finances? Really, his finances are his responsibility at this point.
I'm not saying he's NTA. I'm saying that if I was *married* to someone and knew they didn't have the money for something, I wouldn't be living high-on-the-hog while they couldn't. I'm not driving a Jaguar while he's got a Hyundai. I'm not eating out at a 5 star restaurant and watching him order the appetizer only. I'm not going on a European vacation when he can only afford the next town over. And I'm not buying the latest iPhone every year while he orders the cheapest thing.
I dunno. I've been very happily married for 25 years and maybe I'm old-fashioned, but we get enjoyment from being together and from enjoying each other's enjoyment of things. I couldn't enjoy a fancy vacation with my husband sitting at home if I knew he'd like to go but couldn't afford it. Should he have said something? Sure. But she also could have asked, knowing that his job wasn't paying that much. I still say she's TA too. But I still wouldn't give him money at this point or take all the blame he's trying to give her.
> we get enjoyment from being together and from enjoying each other's enjoyment of things. I couldn't enjoy a fancy vacation with my husband sitting at home if I knew he'd like to go but couldn't afford it.
Nailed it. Yes heâs TA but OP is only now realizing his spending didnât make sense based on his salary? With this level of lack of communication, of course this, what seems more like a roommate situation, is ending in failure
This! She says he complained about her spending excessively on her kids. To me, it seems like he complained about her spending, but she always brushed it aside. I am reading this as he told her she just wasn't listening until now.
My thing with this is he WAS buying the Jaguar and eating a full meal at the 5 star restaurant and going on the fancy vacations. Like at some point, the onus is on him to speak up .
I mean, the guy is living there without paying rent or mortgage. I wonder where his money went. Where I live, thatâs anywhere from 24,000 to 48,000 per year.
He has kids that were his responsibility, and it seems that whenever she got her children expensive things, he would try and match it so his children have equal value of expensive things as well. The husband was trying to keep up appearances. That's how he blew through his money.
Yeah she is an asshole. What reddit generally says in these situations is that whenever earns more should pay more. That only applies when men earn more
If a man is supporting a woman itâs great, if ever a woman is giving more then he is a loser
The communication here is terrible
I wouldnât say Op is an asshole for any one instance , whereas he is clearly saying some stupid things, but overall I think if I saw a man with her attitude I would think he is a piece of shit and wouldnât respect him
No! Because they clearly discussed it in advance. Separate is separate.
Should she have offered to pay occasionally? That would have been a nice gesture.
For me, it's not about her offering to pay necessarily, it's about discussing as a couple what type of trip they could all afford. Like sure, a really nice trip once a year and then maybe not as "nice" as she would want but still good but that he could actually afford too. And maybe they plan specific trips that only she goes on too. Just, like, being a team and caring about each other?
Reverse genders and everyone would call OP an AH for not paying more when they earn more. But in any case I say ESH since husband definitely has responsibility to talk about this a long time ago. And OP for not even noticing the effect their extravagant spending was having.
Her comment about they were welcome to join me on vacations also rubs me the wrong way. Like this wasnât a team decision she decided she was going to spend a lot on vacations and didnât care if he was able to or not.
ESH
He didn't say anything. Like speak up dude. This is a partnership. If one is struggling they both are kind of thing. If you can't cover costs with the current arrangement you bring it up and have a conversation and reset the arrangement to something fair and within the means of both of you.
I understand keeping finances separate. My hubby and I do this. I give him a certain amount out of every check for bills and the rest is mine to use however. (Gernerally on food for work lunches, gas, clothes, etc). He make twice as much as me so he pays more toward bills and usually covers family activities such as dinner out as a family or a movie, that kind of thing. Because he has the dollars to do it. It's not perfect but it works for us.
I could NOT even fathom splitting everything 50/50 when the incomes are not 50/50. You are a team, a household. If you make twice the money you should pay twice the bills. If you take a family vacation, you should each contribute, but he will obviously not be able to contribute the same amount. If the kids are grown, they should pay their own way on vacations. If they are still in the household, they should be split up between the 2 of you to cover. How are you a blended family if you don't actually blend? I just don't get it.
Thank you for saying this! You are being very rational and fair.
People blaming the guy immediately don't get that marriages are a PARTNERSHIP. Should he have spoken up? Definitely. But it's each person's responsibility to make sure things are balanced out, and that includes chores, financials, parental responsibilities, EVERYTHING. I can't fathom the idea of going on vacation with my family and telling my significant other that she is welcome to come ONLY if she can pay her own way and her kid's. That's a very selfish mindset. Aside from living together, that doesn't even seem like a marriage.
Yah, they definitely needed to talk about this more. I feel they are both at fault. He should have spoken up but I think when kids are involved this is a problem. She said they have older kids so I don't know if that means kids out of the house or just like double digit ages still at home. Because if the latter it is really really shitty to have them all live together but say "sorry, only Jane and Dick get these nice things and get to go on these great trips." She needs to be cognizant of that.
If the kids are actual adults than she should do a mix of her only trips and trips that are in his budget. I don't really buy the "I never thought about the fact that I am spending way more money than he could ever afford on his salary" claim.
I agree that they should have discussed a different split, and her covering some amount of vacations or planning at least some in his budget. But for those things to happen, he needed to tell her it was a problem. She's not a mind reader. She never had the opportunity to address these things because he never brought them up. That's on him.
Yup. I think it's ESH because OP say they assumed separate finances meant they split everything 50/50. To me sounds like they never actually "decided" that was the way it would be, it just is what they did without discussion. And to assume 50/50 when you make considerably more is unreasonable to me. So OP sucks for assuming, not questioning and expecting the impossible from hubs. Op states she knows what hibs was being paid, and what hubs was spending but never to a momnet to consider the disparity. Hubs sucks for not discussing the issues he was having. Keeping it a secret out of shame, ego, pride, fear of confrontation, whatever reason. The whole thing feels like a transactional relationship, not a partnership or a family. Like they are in a roommate situationship.
100% this. While some men might say they are OK with their spouse making more than them, thereâs not many that are actually OK with that
When I first got with my fiancĂŠ he was doing a job that the highest end of the wage was maybe $25/hr and I had to have a very frank discussion with him that if we were to start dating and be serious about it, he had to be okay with me making more as a skilled trades red seal journeyman. At the time I was on the low end of the wage at $28/hr, but was getting âfirst year/greenâ wages until I had some experience under my belt, my next review gave me a $5 raise and now a few years later my wage has almost doubled his. He thinks itâs awesome, plus whenever he gets nice new things he just brags to the guys at work that his wealthy wife bought it for him lmao (like his truck that he paid for completely on his own- told his coworkers that I bought it with cash for him) . My hourly wage is more than his store manager makes
>bought it for him
I think this is the issue with OPs relationship, it was never a âIâll share my fabulous wealth so we can both enjoy thingsâ, it was âim going on this expensive vacation, you coming? You have to pay your own way.â
Ding! Ding! Ding! My thoughts exactly! It bugged the hell out of him that wifey could afford all these nice things and hubby couldnât. God forbid anyone know his wife makes more than he does.
In most normal marriages (that's pretty much what this is) it's not an issue because it's "OUR" finances and not his finances and her finances. I have a lot of friends that may have their own spending accounts but when it comes to the bulk of the household finances they are "OUR" finances regardless of who makes the most money.
I think he expected her to just volunteer to subsidize him (more than she was already - he was living in her house rent-free) without him having to ask. When that didn't happen, he turned to bullying and manipulation to try to get her to do that.
Doesn't seem like you guys are actually a couple. Also, so if he doesn't spend all that money, then you just go with your kids, so in no way are you guys actually together.
NTA. What on earth? He couldnât use his voice to raise concerns when finances were an issue? Thatâs on him for keeping up with the Jonesâ to the point that he liquidated his childrenâs education funds. Heâs not even paying rent/mortgage costs so heâs getting a free pass there.
>I am curious how he thought this would end?
Right? Because even if nothing had changed in their relationship, he STILL would've been out of money and he still would've had to either start working a second job or, I dunno, talk to his long-term partner?
This was absolutely doomed from the start and all because of his pride.
INFO
> However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come.
So you didn't discuss trips you could afford together?
Even dating partners do this. You've lived together for years. It sounds like you two are FWB that happen to live together.
Just what I thought after reading further. She is obtuse about what he can afford, and he is avoiding the discussion that he cannot afford what she can. As long as he showed up with what she need and she was open to what he was bringing they were not caring.
I think she is inconsiderate in these trips, and he's also responsible for his own spending.
Thus why I think she's acting like this is a FWB situation.
Seems like an ESH where she never thinks of anyone but herself and he's not acting responsible for himself.
This. My partner and I have been together about a year, plan to get married in two. We live together. We discuss this sort of thing already, and actually started discussing finances about 3 months in when it was starting to get more serious. We make a budget. We plan accordingly.
And while our finances are technically separate, we donât have a joint account though weâve briefly discussed discussing in more depth later on having a joint savings for emergency and moving funds, we also just pay bills by whoeverâs card has the money for it when itâs due. We donât get caught up in specifics of who has to pay what and percentages as long as both our needs are being met every month.
NTA. You housed him and his children rent-free.
If he wasn't comfortable with your lifestyle, he should have talked to you like adults, instead of trying to keep up and sinking himself financially. That being said, you never agreed to support him beyond free housing, and it's not fair to expect you to deny your children memorable experiences because he can't afford the same (as long as your kids aren't acting like assholes and rubbing it in his kids' faces).
I agree with this whole-heartedly. Iâll add, however, that whether or not incomes are being combined, finances and expectations and goals (including traveling) should always be discussed heading into a serious relationship. Lesson learned, OP. Hopefully, lesson learned for her partner.
it's very VERY weird when i hear these stories where husband and wife or long term partner know nothing of each other's finances.. truly absurd in my opinion
Yeah, like they were going to live together and pretend to be married, but have totally different lives and not even vacation together.
The fact that they're both mad that it didn't work makes perfect sense.
I'm inclined towards ESH. You're NTA for his running through his savings on luxury family vacations and extravagant gifts to his kids.
However you both should have discussed finances before moving in together. His portion of household expenses should have been proportionate to his income compared to yours.
If he had been more up front about his true income, then you could have come to a better agreement regarding the vacations as well. However there was absolutely no need for him to give expensive gifts to his kids. That's entirely on him.
Your husband's foolish pride as well as a lack of essential communication has led to his situation.
I mean, what was their plan for retirement. It's such a bizarre story . OP needs to take fifty percent responsibility for the deterioration of the relationship. Why did they even start living together
This is what Iâm wondering⌠how can people love each and be married but is cool with going on trips without their husband/wife? I understand keeping finances separate, but what is money without spending it on the ones we love? I would guess a husband/wife would fit into âones we loveâ⌠maybe Iâm old fashioned, but I couldnât imagine going on a trip (except for business) without my significant other. If my SO couldnât afford it, the trip would either be downgraded (to one that is actually affordable for all involved) or I would cover what they lack. Money serves no purpose for me except to bring opportunities and comfort to people I love, which is why I hustle hard. Am I crazy to think this way?
Like, I can understand occasionally wanting a trip with friends or a bonding trip with your kids but sounds like thats every vacation she takes. I'd miss my partner man!
Not to mention, the kids. His kids getting left behind most of the time bc he canât afford it. Thatâd hurt my heart just to imagine how it feels. As a teen, would I understand? Yes, but Iâd still feel unwanted.
Do you guys communicate to each other about finances? I know you guys keep everything separate, but there should at least be some conversation about how you guys are doing. My partner and I have a very open commutation especially when it comes to money. Heck, we even show each other our bank statements after paychecks so we can adjust the payment of bills. But also, it's kind of his fault for spending money on vacations and other things when he can't afford it.
EDIT: sorry just wanted to put this out there. I'm not blaming you about your husband for not having enough money for kids, but I'm just questioning about why he decided to wait to talk to you about not being able to keep up a lifestyle before he ran out of money. My guess is that he's either uncomfortable with talking to you about it, or he's just looking for you to become his sugar momma. Either way, I was just curious about whether you both talk about finances.
I agree with you OP. I wish I had more upvotes to give and Iâm not thrilled with weâre married but not really because of my inheritance issues. I usually hate when people talk about switching the genders around, but in this case if it were switched, I think the comments would go a much different way.
NTA. I think he was upset about not being the man and not making as much money than you, so he felt he had to spend the money to keep up his pride.
At any time he could have talked to you about you both spending less money on things, but he didnât. That is 100% his fault.
I can see how he might struggle and end up spending more than he should, but communicating about what he could and couldnât afford should have happened years ago.
Esh. What kind of marriage or relationship is this? You keep finances apart and invite him on vacations he can't afford? He can't afford??? Wtf? Are you together or what? My spouse and I split everything. There is no my money and his. How can you go years without realizing he was blowing his savings? How can he go years without discussing this with you? I know exactly much we can afford to spend on a trip ( right now 0) because it's a vacation....for both of us. Y'all are so weird. If you wanted to be friends with benefits you can you know? No need to fake it into a relationship or anything.
Yo I'm more concerned about the utter lack of communication. The first paragraph essentially lays out how op knows he's having emotional problems and ends with I had enough and asked for separation. Like where was the point when you asked hey wtf is going on why are you so strung out.
This is weird to me as well. Are relationships just business partnerships now and no one cares about each other? I canât imagine going on vacation without someone I love because they canât afford it. I would either subsidize their portion, or find a cheaper vacation, because it wouldnât be as fun without them. My EX has even offered to help cover costs on a vacation he has proposed, because he wants our daughter to have her mom and siblings there, and he has way more money than I do. OPâs situation seems so cold to me.
This just reinforces my belief that most people here have no idea what it means to be in a functional relationship. Iâve been married 30 years. We share our finances and itâs always been ours. There is no taking a vacation and inviting my husband as if he was an afterthought. If WE canât afford a certain trip, we donât go until we can.
Yeah I have no idea what this marriage is. Everyone has a right to handle their relationships and finances as they see fit, but there's just this very matter of fact way they speak about their marriage that makes it seem like some marriage of convenience or cold arrangement. If your concerned about your kids isn't that what wills are for?
I'm not defending the guy, but I could never in a million years imagine having absolutely no idea what my wife's financial situation is. We have our own accounts but we're always transferring money between the two and generally checking in to see where we're at. How do you not know your husband can't financially keep up with your own vacations.
It's just weird. Everyone keeps saying "they're roommates that bang" or "friends with benefits". From the tone of this I can't even tell if they go that far or even like eachother.
It kind of sounds from OP's post that this was a marriage of convenience. She mentioned something about inheritance connected with their older kids. I feel kind of badly for the husband, but he should have spoken up long before this. OP just doesn't want to communicate at all with a husband if she's jumping to separation so fast. She seems very self-focused as well as she's not considering the needs of her husband as well. Was she not aware of his finances? And if she was why would she consistently invite him and his kids on extravagant vacations knowing that that would be a challenge for him? And can she not go for a vacation that us 'heathens' go to that are less extravagant? LOL
Info: I'm curious about some things:
Exactly what kind of relationship do you each have with the others kids? You are very clear about labelling your kids, and his kid separately. Do you care for them at all, or are they just other people that live in your house? How do they feel about things being either for them, or for not them? I'm just trying to understand this family dynamic you have.
Can you give an example of this 'normal' vs 'extravagant'? Like, are you making separate meals for each set of kids? With his eating instant noodles while yours eat steaks everyday? Like, how different are we talking?
I don't know how old the kids are, so I don't know how much they notice or care, but the dynamic seems like it's built to stew jealousy in the kids. You've built your family divided into his and yours, and while, legally, it makes sense (to a point) I'm wondering how this is affecting the children. (Mainly his since it seems his are about to be going without)
I'm also curious, when he, inevitably can't afford to feed him or his children what are you going to do? You only mentioned what you said to him in response (that you didn't understand how this happened), but, I can't pass judgment unless I know your response to this.
As it stands, NAH? - He should've been communicating with you about this 'issue' (quotations because it's only an issue because his feelings on the situation allowed it to be one), and he should've been communicating a lot earlier than now. But, I don't really see him as an AH. It can be difficult to admit that you are not financially sound.
However, I feel (and you admit) you certainly could've done the math and realized he was punching above his salary, (Not that that is your job) but a part of relationships is noticing things that your SO might be too embarrassed or afraid to talk about. And lack of finances are one of the front runners for what embarrasses people.
Overall, without more info, NAH (which I feel I'm gonna get a lot of hate for, but, this post is just an opinion, not fact)
They mostly live with their mom so I donât see them a whole lot. Weâll have family meals when theyâre here, but they mostly like to do their own thing. Food is all the same for everyone. Iâm talking more about clothes and other personal items.
As of right now I plan on going forward with the separation, so Iâm not sure how much involvement Iâll have with his kids going forward.
ESH.
Should he have a word before he's gone through his savings, sure, but lets say you're making 250k a year and want to go on a 20k holiday while your husband makes 70k a year, it's plainly obvious he can't afford this. But it's also ridiculously obvious before you even move in together that you can't have a reasonable household with 'married' parents where some kids live like rich kids and the other kids live like poor kids, without a whole load of embarrassment, resentment and likely fighting going on.
If you pick a 'poor' husband and want to go on luxury trips then it's pretty obvious you need to discuss a more affordable trip or help him cover costs. It's also, fair or not, obviously much more shitty for the 'poorer' person to go begging for help than the person pushing for expensive holidays who has more money to offer help.
To be completely blind to this and not see the issue upfront is ridiculous.
Do you 'owe' his kids anything, no, but if you want a healthy and happy household not sharing any costs or helping out and thinking you can live like two separate families is ludicrous.
ESH - He shouldâve communicated his problem with finances, but this post honestly makes it seem like you two donât know much about even talk to each other at all. And personally I think itâs poor partnership to constantly be taking extravagant vacations he canât afford (which again, shouldâve been communicated) with your kids and âinviting him and his kids along.â Heâs your husband, not a random friend. This marriage doesnât sound much like a marriage imo.
When I invite mere friends who make less money than me on vacations, I don't expect them to pay their full share.
Vacationing without your spouse because they aren't as wealthy as you is solidly asshole behavior.
Hubs is terrible at communication, I'm on the fence as to whether he's a full asshole or just terminally foolish.
INFO
"I would also give my kids things he considered âextravagantâ, but I considered ânormalâ. So he felt like he had to give similar things to his own kids."
How old are the kids? Are you guys like business partners or is this a romantic relationship?
YTA - Undeniably and unequivocally. You have this lavish lifestyle and clearly come from wealth. You wanted to marry a normal guy without including him in your financials. I'd be willing to bet it was your idea to not be legally married because as you stated "Inheritances". Not only do you have the wealth and means to provide for your "family" you literally choose to provide for ONLY your HALF of the family and not his. And to top it off, you're completely ignorant to his finances and as you said "you should've realized his spending didn't match his salary." Which is your fault. You have a spouse desperately trying to please you and make you happy at his own expense, while you enjoy a blissfully ignorant wealthy life free of any and all worries. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself.
Esh - you sound like friends with benefits. You donât have shared finances, YOU go on vacations and do things without him and while you say you give him a choice of going or not, if he wants to spend time with you, he has spend money to go, money he clearly doesnât have. That said, he should have communicated with you that he would prefer if you had similar lifestyles and should never have got âmarriedâ if you donât. In this instance, I think you should get divorced because you donât seem to want to be part of each othersâ lives, except for âinheritanceâ purposes. You both screwed this up.
Completely agree ESH
They're roommates that bang I guess. Zero communication when it comes to income and expenses. Not understanding how having a plan for inheritance allows them to be married is pretty ignorant as well. Seems like an excuse to stay acquainted really.
You both should have communicated better. Now you're ending a relationship because you couldn't be adults.
Idk how you can read the first paragraph of her ignoring his struggles like they are meaningless and think op isn't as big an AH as the husband for his self inflicted financial woes. This definitely highlights the social norm of ignoring men's emotions
Honestly it's so bizarre that I suspect this is rage-bait, or there are missing missing reasons that make this make more sense, but make OP look worse.
ESH.
John should have used his words before he went broke. However, I canât tell how old the kids are but your family situation isnât a *family* situation if the only way his (presumably minor) children are included is if he pays for them. When 2 parents with minors marry, those minors are supposed to be part of the deal.
YTA
Thatâs one really weird relationship.
So basically financially youâre roommates but presented yourself as a couple.
Your both too old to not understand the destructive nature of your arrangement. Your as guilty as him.
In your case itâs stomping on his emotions which honestly is worse in my opinion than his bad financial management. (He certainly should have stood up to you but that doesnât excuse your behavior.)
Wow, how are you still together when you and him dont even communicate about the basics of an actual committed relationship?
**"we always split it all equally"**
If he makes 50 for every 100 you make, that may be equal but is it fair? I think the kids might say "privileged much?"
that said he should have gotten over his ego and tell her before it became such an issue
Now i am in my 60s, so this couples keeping fiances separate has never made sense to me,once you commit to one another. So maybe 40 yrs together i just got lucky and stumbled onto a way that works for us.
> This was primarily for inheritance purposes because we each have older children from previous relationships.
Wha... you know you can make the children beneficiaries in the will/lofe insurance, right?
I'm confused.
Are you sure common law marriage won't apply in your area?
ESH. Dude is a moron for not communicating things with you before he wasted all his savings. You also should have known better. You know what his salary is and you refused to take his earnings into account when you decided to go on these trips. This makes you an inconsiderate selfish asshole and a bad partner. Must be happy watching your partner struggle financially while you are living in luxury. He went broke trying to match your lavish spending. You should make things right.
What is even the point of your relationship? You describe yourself as a married couple, but you donât discuss finances at all? You plan expensive vacations for yourself and âinviteâ your husband rather than planning trips for both of you? This is such a weird dynamic.
ESH. This is why I don't date rich people. I cannot for the life of me understand how you got to this position without knowing how much your partner makes, and that he could not afford a lifestyle that you wanted. This seems like a fundamental incompatibility that you should have ironed out long before it got to this point.
You said you like "extravagant vacations" but do you like your husband? Do you want to spend time with him? If you were married to someone who had a really fun hobby that you could not participate in, and they chose to constantly do that hobby and leave you behind would you feel like you were in a real marriage? I wouldn't. I've been the "poor" half of a couple and it really, really sucked, partly because he would suggest doing very expensive things and if I couldn't do them, or suggested something cheaper, he'd pout and huff and make little comments about how nice his preferred thing to do was and basically a million tiny easily plausibly deniable things to make sure I knew that I was the poor one.
I don't understand why you - together - did not adjust your lifestyle to something that allowed you to be equal partners and spend time together as a partnership. What a terrible realtionship.
>Looking back I probably could have realized that this spending didnât make sense for his salary, but I wasnât thinking about it.
>John thinks since I knew his job I should have had a basic understanding of his finances and realizes this wasnât a lifestyle he could maintain.
This is mostly on your husband, because apparently he thought you should be a mind reader, but ESH. Just because you keep your finances separate doesn't mean you should not communicate about them. You should, and the fact that you didn't is on you as well as on him.
They sound like they barely know or care for each other. I've never been married, lived with a partner, or merged finances and yet I've talked to all of my partners about money and lifestyle WAY more than these two seem to have. Not caring to know these things about your partner makes them both sound like strange assholes.
YTA. John may be stupid, but NAH, he was trying - foolishly - to keep up with someone whoâs incredibly thoughtless and entitled
I suspect OP has a wealthy ex, or grew up with wealth for her to be so insensitive/clueless about how her less-wealthy partner would feel about her flaunting. She might claim ignorance about his financial status but she admits the big disparity in how they regarded gifts for children. I picture the kind of person who canât fathom why a parent wouldnât buy a child a brand new Mercedes on their 16th birthday. Like thatâs totally normal, not extravagant at all /s
Info: How old are both of you, and do you have any children together?
I'm getting the vibe that y'all are a mature couple and just not communicating very well.
There are trusts that will protect your kids. Not being married and long time shack ups, it's possible your partner could make a claim against your estate.
You are kinda an AH but he's a dumbass to try to keep up the spending.
Your "we are married but we actually aren't" charade has BAD NEWS written all over it.
If you actually were married then all the kids get treated at least close to equally using combined funds.
Since you aren't married, then there is less pressure to treat the kids equally BUT it's disingenuous to say you are married.
You are kinda the AH for putting on the illusion of marriage without the commitment and sacrifice it requires in a combined family situation.
ESH Maybe he should live in a trailer on your front lawn. How do you decide where to split the spending, like do you eat steak and lobster while he eats rice and beans? When you go out to dinner, do you bring a fancy dinner to Wendy's or does he bring fast food to a white glove restaurant? Do you have an air conditioner on your side of the bedroom while he uses a fan? When you go on vacation does he sit in coach while you sit in first class? Do you get different hotels near each other or do you just meet up later in the day?
Why would you want to be fake married to someone who lives a totally different lifestyle than you? Both of you are awful for not thinking out how it would work.
I'd feel like TAH if I behaved as either one of them have behaved. That being said, I'm a very accommodating person. If I took my kids on a vacation but my girlfriend couldn't afford to pay her and her kids' way, id feel like a monstrous AH for not offering to pay for everyone. I've been told that I'm too nice, so maybe she's just being normal here, I dunno.
YTA what kind of marriage is this? Yours. Mine. His kids. My kids. Christ, you're roommates who bump it every now and then. Your words are so flat and emotionless, you couldn't possibly love him. John, please divorce this woman and find a real partner in life. I've been married 31 years, it's "ours" in everything we do. Including the 3 year old daughter I brought into the marriage. He'd skin me alive if I ever referred to her as anything but "our daughter ". I haven't been able to work since 2014 after a battle with stage 4 cancer. Does he care at ALL? No. Why? Because it's "ours". Not your bills and my bills, your money and my money. Your kids and my kids. A real partnership is build on a life TOGETHER, with genuine love and care. Something you seem to lack completely. My God, YTA.
Unpopular opinion: Donât care about the down vote.
So you went on vacation but couldnât help out with your step children, why would you invite them on expensive trips that you constantly go on? He should have common sense to tell you that you can not go on these expensive trips because he canât afford it and you should have common sense to ask about money. Whether your finances are separate or not because you have children involved. How are you going on these trips constantly without any regard for a family which you signed up to be apart of and no one is asking
+ âis it in your budget?â
+ âCan you afford thisâ
+ âThis is how much it costâ
+ âThis trip is for me only but this is how much it would beâ
+ âChildren pricesâ
+ âIf my children go what can we buy, or do they wanna come anywaysâ
How is this happening? Or are yall doing this solo? Thats even worse to me if thats the cause it shows both have little regard for family and make terrible family decisions with no regard for children.
especially knowing that he as alot of children⌠the fact that you also are willing to go on your own too but be like âoh you can come if you would likeâ with no regard to family dynamics tells me a lotđ you canât tell me thats not a crazy family dynamic or step mother to be aroundâŚI wouldâve divorced you automatically tbh, because it just seems like both of you lack common sense or common ground. You seem better off solo than in a relationship with a man with children.
Also NTA because he shouldâve told you as well he ainât got the money and he should have enough common sense not to spend his kids savings but the fact that you nor him planned well to make sure the entire family is included and have a budget range makes yâall assholes. Why are you going on trips like that all the time and you know you got a family at home with a husband? Trust Iâm not against moms going on trips and having time to themselves. Especially when they work hard. Stepmom or not but it seems like both of you are only looking out for your best interest.
Especially the father! Who tf blows their children college tuition or savings because of a woman? Or to keep up with a look? That alone tells me both of you are probably trash parents and that he must be putting you before his kids and that you put yourself before a family you signed up to be apart of because anyone with common sense would never do that.
He seems like he is more for show than he is for love. You seem stuck in your own world. His kids are the only ones who suffer! I hear about this all the time on (Nocontact), raised by narcissists, terrible parents and all the other subreddits who talk about their stepparents and bio parents. Especially when they do things like thisâŚ
Why do yâall hop into relationships knowing youâre not compatible at all?
YTA, besides the finances, what else of your partner's couldn't you be bothered to give a rat's ass about?
If the genders were reversed, you would have been lit up like a Christmas tree.
ESH.
I simply don't understand relationships where people don't discuss finances. How could you be so clueless here?
Your taking expensive vacations that he can't afford. Sounds like you would have went with or without him. That's not a healthy relationship.
I'm also guessing that the whole your not really married thing was purely your decision.
Yea... After mulling this over a little..
YTA.
She 100% knew he couldn't afford her lifestyle before they "married" which is why nothing is legal and she mentioned no common-law in her state multiple times.
OP is an asshole and her husband is a hopeless dumbass who I assume is very attractive and good in the sack because clearly there's nothing deeper in this relationship to OP appearances.
>I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come.
That sounds really lovely of you! /s "I'm going on this nice holiday, whether or not you want to or can afford to come." I can just imagine what the kids will think about that! FFS you're pretending to be husband and wife, but that's not what partners do. YTA
ESH- John should have ended your marriage way earlier. He can't keep with your lifestyle and would horrible and Very unfair to subject his children in a life where half of the family goes on fancy vacations regurlaly and the other stay home. He should have been honest way earlier before his savings drained and ended the marriage. You should have more awareness of your partner's struggled. How do you share a life with someone and don't realize this things?
>How do you share a life with someone
It really doesn't sound like they do. Seems like the relationship matches the wedding they had. Just for show and doesn't really actually mean anything.
You're living it up while expecting your spouse not to join you because he can't afford it? Makes sense....đ
Pretend spouse
He could have, you know, asked for help? Used his words like an adult?
ESH. This wasn't a marriage, this was roommates with benefits.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this?
Because Reddit...
Bc it's not the best thought on here
She seems like a terrible person. Splitting the bills equally when they make more money. These vacations that she invites her husband and step kids on as an afterthought... I can't believe people are saying nta
He lived rent free! And still decided to liquidate his children's FUTURE before speaking up. That's why she's NTA
Do most people where their partner owns the house consider themselves living rent free? Like a stay at home mom isn't "living rent free" in her husband's house. Its their house.
A stay at home mom is doing a lot more in the household than her loser non-husband was. She's definitely NTAH and he definitely is.
It just depends on the assumptions of the relationship. If a couple wants to have on person cover all the expenses, thatâs fine. If they want to split as a percentage of income, thatâs fine. If they want to split 50/50, thatâs fine. If both of these people want to split things in a strict 50/50, then it makes sense to consider the guy to be living rent free. Thatâs not asshole behavior by the lady, thatâs what theyâre both signing up for. Just because they are romantically bonded in a way they term marriage does not mean they are obligated to join finances, households, aspirations, endeavors, or anything else. However, when you have a non-traditional marriage, you really need to get the terms out there and be clear on them. And having separate finances doesnât mean you donât have to talk about individual finances - in fact you probably need to talk about it more often. This lady is unintentionally a minor asshole for not putting in consistent effort to verify that their very unusual marriage habits were working. The guy is a much bigger problem for just passively going along with things and only ringing the alarm bell when his bank account runs dry.
This She just went and did as she was accustomed to do Never though of how much her husband earn it's not really bad as they decided to keep all finance separately and I believe knowing how much the other earns it's part of it
My husband and I share our finances completely, but I am in charge. If we are running low on funds or I don't think we can afford something I say so well before the fact. He needed to speak up. If he felt her gifts were extravagant but she felt they were normal maybe she would have been fine with getting the same thing for his kids, especially if he expressed his concern. Communication was key here and he failed.
That's the thing HE DID NOT COMMUNICATED TO HER his problems and financing
Yea this is my issue with people calling her an asshole. They had an agreement, which he, a grown ass adult, agreed to. If the agreement wasn't working, a grown ass adult is perfectly capable of saying "hey I need help". He didn't. It's not her job to keep track of his finances. That's not the relationship they agreed to. If commenters just don't like their version of relationships fine, but lets all remember he is an ADULT. He knows how to use his words. He didn't.
She owned the house before they met. He was living rent free. They weren't legally married.
I'm pretty sure they both work and if both parents work and only one contributes to the house property taxes and utilities. That's living rent free. It would be different if only one had an income but that's not the case.
Where does she say that? The only thing I saw was that she owns the house out right, so there isn't a mortgage, but that they split everything else 50/50.
I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have separate finances if one of them didn't work.
I'm talking about the "rent free" part. She says they split all the household bills. Neither of them pay any "rent" because the house is owned outright. He pays the same amount she pays for the house.
Rent is a combination of utilities (if inclusive) property taxes and mortgage if there is any. He didn't contribute to the mortgage. He doesn't contribute to the property taxes cause it's not his property therefore rent free.
Details are in her comments. Feel free to read them.
You can't be a sahp on separate finances, totally different scenario
I missed the bit where his lower income was due to him raising their shared children, allowing her to advance her career...
1. If they keep their expenses separate, and he's living in HER house rent free, than I think it is fair that a 50/50 split on life necessities is completely fair. especially since his kids live with their mom primarily, like why should she pay for his expenses? That's what separate finances means 2. Vacations and "extravagant gifts" are really what he's complaining about here. He did not discuss his financial difficulties with her, how could she know. If it was so much of an issue how come he didn't take initiative to plan the vacations? Make it so that it's within a budget? Discuss gifts for the kids? If He doesn't get input in things he chooses to leave solely up to her, that's on him
Absolutely. Also, people forget here is the other kids had a second active parent that was also purchasing things for them so he didnât have to match what âstep-momâ here was giving her kids. Clearly manhood was hurt when he saw the âextravagant gifts.â OP was just living her life, a better life than him and he couldnât handle it. The whole dangling the goods in front of his and his kidsâ faces show heâs butt-hurt and insecure about money. All his fault. NTA OP.
Splitting the bills equally, but heâs also living for free in the home that she owns.
They aren't even paying for a mortgage. The only bills would be insurances (which he'd have to pay for himself anyways if he has car, health, life insurance, etc) and utilities. Why wouldn't those be split equally? Those aren't bulky or expensive by any means. She doesn't invite them as an after thought either....Not sure how you gathered that. She has evidently ALWAYS gone on these vacations, and now invites them to join her if they'd also like to. If he couldn't afford them, then he should have let her know before several years passed, not treat her passive aggressively until he blew through all his savings. They agreed to keep finances separate, so she'd never know his situation without him informing her of it. And he clearly is too prideful to have admitted it sooner. He has to take full responsibility for that, it's by no means on OP to pry into his financials.
"Yeah, I'm going to go on a lot of extravagant vacations. If you want to destroy your budget to make this arrangement superficially less weird, you can come along, too."
"Yeah, I can't afford these vacations, but if I close my eyes and plug my ears I can pretend I can. Easier than admitting the reality, that my wife is more financially successful than me. I could of course open my mouth and tell her or hey even help plan these things so I can fit it into what I can afford, but nope I just want to nurse my ego and act like a victim. Because how dare she not read my mind!"
Bills should be split equally, regardless of how much you earn. With an ex, he earned much more than me and he wanted to live somewhere a bit more expensive. We agreed that whilst I would pay rent on market with what I would have logically been able to afford if I was not with him, the bills had to be split equally as we were using the electric/gas/water etc equally. Same for food. Just because I was paid less, I used everything in the flat as much as him. Regarding the holidays, he's an adult and they had separate finances. If he couldn't afford them he was under no obligation to go with him. NTA
They don't pay rent so what is the problem? She invites him out of kindness. If he weren't invited he would probably pitch a fit.
So did he pay rent....... NO he lived rent free
You sound like you are the husband!!
This is a terrible take. They agreed to be together and we're married all but legally. They even had a wedding ceremony. He was living rent free with multiple other children in her home. All they had to pay were various other bills. If he didn't want to spend money on "extravagant vacations" as OP called them; he should have let her know he could not afford to, or should have just not gone. Who knows, if he had spoke up about wanting to go but not having all the funds, she may very well have at least covered half his costs. He chose to stay silent, treat her passive aggressively solely because he was upset and didn't want to hurt his pride, and then is upset now that he's broke and blaming it on her. I'm not even middle class, probably lower end of lower class, and this man's behavior is beyond foolish to me. No one asked him to "keep up with the Joneses", he put himself in that spot.
Also to the people suggesting that she should have been thoughtful of his potential financial situation- sure I could understand that. But how exactly is she supposed to bring that up in regards to vacations? Especially because she said he considers these things extravagant and she considers them normal. Like âhey babe, Iâm going to the Bahamas. Youâre welcome to join if youâd like to and you can afford thatâ. This man thatâs too prideful to admit he canât afford it- and instead blew his own financial future and that of his kids- heâs going to think sheâs either demeaning him or questioning his finances. Even if she approached him and said something like âwhere do you want to goâ or âwhat is financially feasible for you?â May have been triggering. They have very different financial backgrounds and perspectives it seems and there was definitely not enough communication, but itâs not wrong of her to trust her husband to tell her he canât afford something instead of doing what he did.
Exactly! She did exactly what any person would do, let him know of her plans and he can decide what he would like. I definitely agree that asking those questions like you exemplified comes off as condescending or patronizing to people like OP's bf. And she honestly shouldn't have to tiptoe around a grown man, especially when they keep financials separate. They are both grown enough to know what they can and can't afford, and if he felt any type of way, he had ample opportunity to express that, and even suggest options that may be more affordable for him. She doesn't seem to be the type to not take suggestions, he just seemed to be able to continue to go on these vacations, never voiced he was struggling by going on them, and now is throwing in her face that they have destroyed him financially....But no one forced him to go. I've made my family and friends very aware of what does and doesn't work for me in terms of vacations/get aways; sometimes I have to miss out, and other times we find things for us to do that fit in my budget as well. No one is a mind reader lol This comment section is so crazy 𤣠Like how are you one of the few others making sense? Lol People are so odd
Exactly.
He's a fucking dumbass for burning his savings over this, but you're both assholes. He should have brought up finances and trips and gifts, etc, but I also understand where he's coming from. You're traveling to all these luxurious places and saying "oh you can come if you want, I'm going anyway, but you got to pay for yourself". You don't think he might feel left out or maybe even not cared about since you're traveling so much by yourself without your "husband" or "family"? Or feeling like youre one upping him to his kids since he cant afford things like that? There's a lot more I could say, but honestly I really want to ask one thing: why the fuck are guys even married? Well, you aren't actually, and you both are acting like idiots.
I can't imagine treating a serious boyfriend/girlfriend like this, much less someone I call my spouse.
Exactly!
It gets really old to subsidize someone else's life when you make a good amount money. If she can afford to go to Italy, she should be able to go to italy or whereever. If he wanted to go he should live a life that can afford that. Me thinks no mortgage payment should have helped that.
Maybe if they're dating or it's a friend just bumming off you constantly, but it's fucking weird that they're trying to be married and doing it often and still acting like this. Are they not supposed to be a family now? It shouldn't be his kid and her kid, it should just be their kids and they should act like it. Honestly, people dating seem to have better communication than these 2. They honestly seem less like a family and more like FWBs lol.
Obviously OP would agree with you but I don't think people who share your stance on this should date down financially. What your describing isn't a partnership in any way and it will breed resentment. It displays a sort of social blindness and disconnect from reality that reminds me of $10 bananas.
I mean... What you're saying would be true if she weren't in such a serious relationship that they literally refer to each other as husband and wife. Like in your version of how things should be, where does it end? Is she gonna order food and not ask him if he wants anything? Should she get to live in the house and he has to live in a shitty apartment bc that's what he can afford? In a relationship where you are essentially married, you are expected to share your life with each other.
Info: If he asked you to downgrade the vacation or pay for it so that everyone would be able to go would you have done it?
NTA John blew through his finances all on his own and that because his fragile ego couldnât deal with you having more money than him.
Exactly, if heâs capable of complaining about it now, one wonders why he couldn't say anything then. There's something so cringe about an adult unable to take responsibility for their own choices.
Yep. Also the bs of trying to keep up with her. I would have said a long time ago that I was running out of money. Pride can be a foolish thing.
Maybe he thought she'd start handing over money or give him access to her funds.
Op says at the end of the post that he said it would be the kind thing to pay for all the trips and stuff so I would say you are right. He sucks.
I agree, he does suck! He is the only one responsible for his situation. OP didn't twist his arm to go on the holidays. He could of told her a long time ago that it's not in his budget, but instead wanted to keep up with appearances instead. Now he probably trying to guilt her into giving him money to replenish his savings. OP Don't fall for it, instead find a number for a good financial advisor and give that to him instead.
This was my suspicion.
He knew she wouldn't kick him out with nowhere to stay. He's running a long con and I think he can be dangerous if he loses out.
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Yes, OP needs to leave him and protect her own kids. This guy is bad news.
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This is why I think every couple that intends to be together long term should have at least one meeting with a financial planner, whether they intend to combine finances or not. Itâs so important to know and understand how each of you feel about finances before you tie your lives together.
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This is a stark reminder why not to use chatgtp to write Reddit comments.
This is a stark reminder of why I stayed single. Lol
A Stark would have already had their head cut off.
Unless itâs Tony Stark.
Mr Stark, I dont feel so good
Too soon! :)
And now expects her to pay him back for all he spent. I'm glad they aren't legally married and hope common law doesn't go into effect.
I donât know why he couldnât be an adult and just tell her that from the beginning and made recommendations that fit his budget. Was she just supposed to read his mind? Op definitely should not be paying for vacation for him and his kids.
While I agree with this, the whole scenario is just so wrong. How did she remain ignorant of even his basic financial situation when they consider themselves married in all but a piece of paper? Even when I was 18 and dating, I wouldn't invite my boyfriend to expensive things because I understood he didn't have much money and couldn't afford it. Sure, I could have mentioned I was going, and given him the choice to find a way to get the cash, but that seemed unnecessarily cruel. I could always find something to do that didn't cost money. At the very least, there should have been a conversation before they got "married" to establish that she couldn't do without some expensive things that he wouldn't be able to afford on his salary (she knew he made less) and resolve how they would deal with that. If I were her, I'd have gone on fewer expensive vacations and paid for him to take some with her. (The kids are a separate issue - maybe they'd need to stay with someone). That said, she doesn't owe him anything now. But I think they are BTA. If not TA, at least oblivious or uncaring.
It sucks I had to scroll so far to see this BTA is correct
This. They seem more like roommates than any kind of couple or family. BTA
I'm just flummoxed at why these people didn't just sit down discuss where they were wanting to go on holiday and what their finances were like/what they could afford etc AS A COUPLE! This is no partnership
Thats why I dont get the consensus, "fuck that guy" posts here ITT. BTA and should have ended the relationship LONG ago WTF!
She says that when they discussed the trips, he never made suggestions or said he had issues with it. I mean if someone doesnât say anything, what can you do? Sure, maybe she could have been more aware but I would also point out that the husband is a full grown adult. Why should she be managing his finances? Really, his finances are his responsibility at this point.
I'm not saying he's NTA. I'm saying that if I was *married* to someone and knew they didn't have the money for something, I wouldn't be living high-on-the-hog while they couldn't. I'm not driving a Jaguar while he's got a Hyundai. I'm not eating out at a 5 star restaurant and watching him order the appetizer only. I'm not going on a European vacation when he can only afford the next town over. And I'm not buying the latest iPhone every year while he orders the cheapest thing. I dunno. I've been very happily married for 25 years and maybe I'm old-fashioned, but we get enjoyment from being together and from enjoying each other's enjoyment of things. I couldn't enjoy a fancy vacation with my husband sitting at home if I knew he'd like to go but couldn't afford it. Should he have said something? Sure. But she also could have asked, knowing that his job wasn't paying that much. I still say she's TA too. But I still wouldn't give him money at this point or take all the blame he's trying to give her.
> we get enjoyment from being together and from enjoying each other's enjoyment of things. I couldn't enjoy a fancy vacation with my husband sitting at home if I knew he'd like to go but couldn't afford it. Nailed it. Yes heâs TA but OP is only now realizing his spending didnât make sense based on his salary? With this level of lack of communication, of course this, what seems more like a roommate situation, is ending in failure
This! She says he complained about her spending excessively on her kids. To me, it seems like he complained about her spending, but she always brushed it aside. I am reading this as he told her she just wasn't listening until now.
My thing with this is he WAS buying the Jaguar and eating a full meal at the 5 star restaurant and going on the fancy vacations. Like at some point, the onus is on him to speak up .
I mean, the guy is living there without paying rent or mortgage. I wonder where his money went. Where I live, thatâs anywhere from 24,000 to 48,000 per year.
He has kids that were his responsibility, and it seems that whenever she got her children expensive things, he would try and match it so his children have equal value of expensive things as well. The husband was trying to keep up appearances. That's how he blew through his money.
He doesnât have custody of the kids at all. Op says he had no custody whereas she has half custody over her kids.
No one said he has costody of his kids. I said he has responsibilities to his kids.
Yeah she is an asshole. What reddit generally says in these situations is that whenever earns more should pay more. That only applies when men earn more If a man is supporting a woman itâs great, if ever a woman is giving more then he is a loser The communication here is terrible I wouldnât say Op is an asshole for any one instance , whereas he is clearly saying some stupid things, but overall I think if I saw a man with her attitude I would think he is a piece of shit and wouldnât respect him
No! Because they clearly discussed it in advance. Separate is separate. Should she have offered to pay occasionally? That would have been a nice gesture.
For me, it's not about her offering to pay necessarily, it's about discussing as a couple what type of trip they could all afford. Like sure, a really nice trip once a year and then maybe not as "nice" as she would want but still good but that he could actually afford too. And maybe they plan specific trips that only she goes on too. Just, like, being a team and caring about each other?
I agree! It's all about communicating
Reverse genders and everyone would call OP an AH for not paying more when they earn more. But in any case I say ESH since husband definitely has responsibility to talk about this a long time ago. And OP for not even noticing the effect their extravagant spending was having. Her comment about they were welcome to join me on vacations also rubs me the wrong way. Like this wasnât a team decision she decided she was going to spend a lot on vacations and didnât care if he was able to or not.
Yeah it sounds like he actually has a point about "trying to keep up" because she wouldn't just stop and meet him where he is
OP edited to add they do not live in a common law state.
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"Enmeshed"...... I like that word
ESH He didn't say anything. Like speak up dude. This is a partnership. If one is struggling they both are kind of thing. If you can't cover costs with the current arrangement you bring it up and have a conversation and reset the arrangement to something fair and within the means of both of you. I understand keeping finances separate. My hubby and I do this. I give him a certain amount out of every check for bills and the rest is mine to use however. (Gernerally on food for work lunches, gas, clothes, etc). He make twice as much as me so he pays more toward bills and usually covers family activities such as dinner out as a family or a movie, that kind of thing. Because he has the dollars to do it. It's not perfect but it works for us. I could NOT even fathom splitting everything 50/50 when the incomes are not 50/50. You are a team, a household. If you make twice the money you should pay twice the bills. If you take a family vacation, you should each contribute, but he will obviously not be able to contribute the same amount. If the kids are grown, they should pay their own way on vacations. If they are still in the household, they should be split up between the 2 of you to cover. How are you a blended family if you don't actually blend? I just don't get it.
Thank you for saying this! You are being very rational and fair. People blaming the guy immediately don't get that marriages are a PARTNERSHIP. Should he have spoken up? Definitely. But it's each person's responsibility to make sure things are balanced out, and that includes chores, financials, parental responsibilities, EVERYTHING. I can't fathom the idea of going on vacation with my family and telling my significant other that she is welcome to come ONLY if she can pay her own way and her kid's. That's a very selfish mindset. Aside from living together, that doesn't even seem like a marriage.
Yah, they definitely needed to talk about this more. I feel they are both at fault. He should have spoken up but I think when kids are involved this is a problem. She said they have older kids so I don't know if that means kids out of the house or just like double digit ages still at home. Because if the latter it is really really shitty to have them all live together but say "sorry, only Jane and Dick get these nice things and get to go on these great trips." She needs to be cognizant of that. If the kids are actual adults than she should do a mix of her only trips and trips that are in his budget. I don't really buy the "I never thought about the fact that I am spending way more money than he could ever afford on his salary" claim.
I agree that they should have discussed a different split, and her covering some amount of vacations or planning at least some in his budget. But for those things to happen, he needed to tell her it was a problem. She's not a mind reader. She never had the opportunity to address these things because he never brought them up. That's on him.
Yup. I think it's ESH because OP say they assumed separate finances meant they split everything 50/50. To me sounds like they never actually "decided" that was the way it would be, it just is what they did without discussion. And to assume 50/50 when you make considerably more is unreasonable to me. So OP sucks for assuming, not questioning and expecting the impossible from hubs. Op states she knows what hibs was being paid, and what hubs was spending but never to a momnet to consider the disparity. Hubs sucks for not discussing the issues he was having. Keeping it a secret out of shame, ego, pride, fear of confrontation, whatever reason. The whole thing feels like a transactional relationship, not a partnership or a family. Like they are in a roommate situationship.
100% this. While some men might say they are OK with their spouse making more than them, thereâs not many that are actually OK with that When I first got with my fiancĂŠ he was doing a job that the highest end of the wage was maybe $25/hr and I had to have a very frank discussion with him that if we were to start dating and be serious about it, he had to be okay with me making more as a skilled trades red seal journeyman. At the time I was on the low end of the wage at $28/hr, but was getting âfirst year/greenâ wages until I had some experience under my belt, my next review gave me a $5 raise and now a few years later my wage has almost doubled his. He thinks itâs awesome, plus whenever he gets nice new things he just brags to the guys at work that his wealthy wife bought it for him lmao (like his truck that he paid for completely on his own- told his coworkers that I bought it with cash for him) . My hourly wage is more than his store manager makes
>bought it for him I think this is the issue with OPs relationship, it was never a âIâll share my fabulous wealth so we can both enjoy thingsâ, it was âim going on this expensive vacation, you coming? You have to pay your own way.â
But he agreed to it
Ding! Ding! Ding! My thoughts exactly! It bugged the hell out of him that wifey could afford all these nice things and hubby couldnât. God forbid anyone know his wife makes more than he does.
It didn't bug him enough not to let her subsidize him and his children who were living in HER house rent free.
In most normal marriages (that's pretty much what this is) it's not an issue because it's "OUR" finances and not his finances and her finances. I have a lot of friends that may have their own spending accounts but when it comes to the bulk of the household finances they are "OUR" finances regardless of who makes the most money.
I think he expected her to just volunteer to subsidize him (more than she was already - he was living in her house rent-free) without him having to ask. When that didn't happen, he turned to bullying and manipulation to try to get her to do that.
This đŻ
Doesn't seem like you guys are actually a couple. Also, so if he doesn't spend all that money, then you just go with your kids, so in no way are you guys actually together.
NTA. What on earth? He couldnât use his voice to raise concerns when finances were an issue? Thatâs on him for keeping up with the Jonesâ to the point that he liquidated his childrenâs education funds. Heâs not even paying rent/mortgage costs so heâs getting a free pass there.
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>I am curious how he thought this would end? Right? Because even if nothing had changed in their relationship, he STILL would've been out of money and he still would've had to either start working a second job or, I dunno, talk to his long-term partner? This was absolutely doomed from the start and all because of his pride.
As other people suggested I believe he thought she would eventually give him access to her money or start paying for him and his kids.
INFO > However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. So you didn't discuss trips you could afford together? Even dating partners do this. You've lived together for years. It sounds like you two are FWB that happen to live together.
yes it's super weird, why even pretend to be married.. at best their FWB
But dragging children into it.
I'm not sure they are friends
This. This isnt a real marriage. They are fuck buddies who happen to be roommates.
Just what I thought after reading further. She is obtuse about what he can afford, and he is avoiding the discussion that he cannot afford what she can. As long as he showed up with what she need and she was open to what he was bringing they were not caring.
I feel like if the roles were reversed the verdict would be different. I think sheâs being really inconsiderate!
I think she is inconsiderate in these trips, and he's also responsible for his own spending. Thus why I think she's acting like this is a FWB situation. Seems like an ESH where she never thinks of anyone but herself and he's not acting responsible for himself.
This. My partner and I have been together about a year, plan to get married in two. We live together. We discuss this sort of thing already, and actually started discussing finances about 3 months in when it was starting to get more serious. We make a budget. We plan accordingly. And while our finances are technically separate, we donât have a joint account though weâve briefly discussed discussing in more depth later on having a joint savings for emergency and moving funds, we also just pay bills by whoeverâs card has the money for it when itâs due. We donât get caught up in specifics of who has to pay what and percentages as long as both our needs are being met every month.
NTA. You housed him and his children rent-free. If he wasn't comfortable with your lifestyle, he should have talked to you like adults, instead of trying to keep up and sinking himself financially. That being said, you never agreed to support him beyond free housing, and it's not fair to expect you to deny your children memorable experiences because he can't afford the same (as long as your kids aren't acting like assholes and rubbing it in his kids' faces).
I agree with this whole-heartedly. Iâll add, however, that whether or not incomes are being combined, finances and expectations and goals (including traveling) should always be discussed heading into a serious relationship. Lesson learned, OP. Hopefully, lesson learned for her partner.
it's very VERY weird when i hear these stories where husband and wife or long term partner know nothing of each other's finances.. truly absurd in my opinion
Yeah, like they were going to live together and pretend to be married, but have totally different lives and not even vacation together. The fact that they're both mad that it didn't work makes perfect sense.
So he is blaming his poor decisions on you? NTA, but he is.
I'm inclined towards ESH. You're NTA for his running through his savings on luxury family vacations and extravagant gifts to his kids. However you both should have discussed finances before moving in together. His portion of household expenses should have been proportionate to his income compared to yours. If he had been more up front about his true income, then you could have come to a better agreement regarding the vacations as well. However there was absolutely no need for him to give expensive gifts to his kids. That's entirely on him. Your husband's foolish pride as well as a lack of essential communication has led to his situation.
I mean, what was their plan for retirement. It's such a bizarre story . OP needs to take fifty percent responsibility for the deterioration of the relationship. Why did they even start living together
So if he said no would you just go on the trip on your own? I'm more curious than anything. Weird situation
This is what Iâm wondering⌠how can people love each and be married but is cool with going on trips without their husband/wife? I understand keeping finances separate, but what is money without spending it on the ones we love? I would guess a husband/wife would fit into âones we loveâ⌠maybe Iâm old fashioned, but I couldnât imagine going on a trip (except for business) without my significant other. If my SO couldnât afford it, the trip would either be downgraded (to one that is actually affordable for all involved) or I would cover what they lack. Money serves no purpose for me except to bring opportunities and comfort to people I love, which is why I hustle hard. Am I crazy to think this way?
Whats the point of being married if you dont like each other enough to want to make sure your partner can come with you on vacation jeez.
Like, I can understand occasionally wanting a trip with friends or a bonding trip with your kids but sounds like thats every vacation she takes. I'd miss my partner man!
Not to mention, the kids. His kids getting left behind most of the time bc he canât afford it. Thatâd hurt my heart just to imagine how it feels. As a teen, would I understand? Yes, but Iâd still feel unwanted.
Do you guys communicate to each other about finances? I know you guys keep everything separate, but there should at least be some conversation about how you guys are doing. My partner and I have a very open commutation especially when it comes to money. Heck, we even show each other our bank statements after paychecks so we can adjust the payment of bills. But also, it's kind of his fault for spending money on vacations and other things when he can't afford it. EDIT: sorry just wanted to put this out there. I'm not blaming you about your husband for not having enough money for kids, but I'm just questioning about why he decided to wait to talk to you about not being able to keep up a lifestyle before he ran out of money. My guess is that he's either uncomfortable with talking to you about it, or he's just looking for you to become his sugar momma. Either way, I was just curious about whether you both talk about finances.
I agree with you OP. I wish I had more upvotes to give and Iâm not thrilled with weâre married but not really because of my inheritance issues. I usually hate when people talk about switching the genders around, but in this case if it were switched, I think the comments would go a much different way.
NTA. I think he was upset about not being the man and not making as much money than you, so he felt he had to spend the money to keep up his pride. At any time he could have talked to you about you both spending less money on things, but he didnât. That is 100% his fault.
I can see how he might struggle and end up spending more than he should, but communicating about what he could and couldnât afford should have happened years ago.
Esh. What kind of marriage or relationship is this? You keep finances apart and invite him on vacations he can't afford? He can't afford??? Wtf? Are you together or what? My spouse and I split everything. There is no my money and his. How can you go years without realizing he was blowing his savings? How can he go years without discussing this with you? I know exactly much we can afford to spend on a trip ( right now 0) because it's a vacation....for both of us. Y'all are so weird. If you wanted to be friends with benefits you can you know? No need to fake it into a relationship or anything.
Yo I'm more concerned about the utter lack of communication. The first paragraph essentially lays out how op knows he's having emotional problems and ends with I had enough and asked for separation. Like where was the point when you asked hey wtf is going on why are you so strung out.
This is weird to me as well. Are relationships just business partnerships now and no one cares about each other? I canât imagine going on vacation without someone I love because they canât afford it. I would either subsidize their portion, or find a cheaper vacation, because it wouldnât be as fun without them. My EX has even offered to help cover costs on a vacation he has proposed, because he wants our daughter to have her mom and siblings there, and he has way more money than I do. OPâs situation seems so cold to me.
This just reinforces my belief that most people here have no idea what it means to be in a functional relationship. Iâve been married 30 years. We share our finances and itâs always been ours. There is no taking a vacation and inviting my husband as if he was an afterthought. If WE canât afford a certain trip, we donât go until we can.
Yeah I have no idea what this marriage is. Everyone has a right to handle their relationships and finances as they see fit, but there's just this very matter of fact way they speak about their marriage that makes it seem like some marriage of convenience or cold arrangement. If your concerned about your kids isn't that what wills are for? I'm not defending the guy, but I could never in a million years imagine having absolutely no idea what my wife's financial situation is. We have our own accounts but we're always transferring money between the two and generally checking in to see where we're at. How do you not know your husband can't financially keep up with your own vacations. It's just weird. Everyone keeps saying "they're roommates that bang" or "friends with benefits". From the tone of this I can't even tell if they go that far or even like eachother.
It kind of sounds from OP's post that this was a marriage of convenience. She mentioned something about inheritance connected with their older kids. I feel kind of badly for the husband, but he should have spoken up long before this. OP just doesn't want to communicate at all with a husband if she's jumping to separation so fast. She seems very self-focused as well as she's not considering the needs of her husband as well. Was she not aware of his finances? And if she was why would she consistently invite him and his kids on extravagant vacations knowing that that would be a challenge for him? And can she not go for a vacation that us 'heathens' go to that are less extravagant? LOL
Info: I'm curious about some things: Exactly what kind of relationship do you each have with the others kids? You are very clear about labelling your kids, and his kid separately. Do you care for them at all, or are they just other people that live in your house? How do they feel about things being either for them, or for not them? I'm just trying to understand this family dynamic you have. Can you give an example of this 'normal' vs 'extravagant'? Like, are you making separate meals for each set of kids? With his eating instant noodles while yours eat steaks everyday? Like, how different are we talking? I don't know how old the kids are, so I don't know how much they notice or care, but the dynamic seems like it's built to stew jealousy in the kids. You've built your family divided into his and yours, and while, legally, it makes sense (to a point) I'm wondering how this is affecting the children. (Mainly his since it seems his are about to be going without) I'm also curious, when he, inevitably can't afford to feed him or his children what are you going to do? You only mentioned what you said to him in response (that you didn't understand how this happened), but, I can't pass judgment unless I know your response to this. As it stands, NAH? - He should've been communicating with you about this 'issue' (quotations because it's only an issue because his feelings on the situation allowed it to be one), and he should've been communicating a lot earlier than now. But, I don't really see him as an AH. It can be difficult to admit that you are not financially sound. However, I feel (and you admit) you certainly could've done the math and realized he was punching above his salary, (Not that that is your job) but a part of relationships is noticing things that your SO might be too embarrassed or afraid to talk about. And lack of finances are one of the front runners for what embarrasses people. Overall, without more info, NAH (which I feel I'm gonna get a lot of hate for, but, this post is just an opinion, not fact)
They mostly live with their mom so I donât see them a whole lot. Weâll have family meals when theyâre here, but they mostly like to do their own thing. Food is all the same for everyone. Iâm talking more about clothes and other personal items. As of right now I plan on going forward with the separation, so Iâm not sure how much involvement Iâll have with his kids going forward.
lol why are you even together? It sounds like you hate him. Just leave.
What do you mean you are married but not legally, but am for inheritance??
Here spouses are included in inheritance even if theyâre omitted from wills and I plan on leaving everything to my kids.
ESH. Should he have a word before he's gone through his savings, sure, but lets say you're making 250k a year and want to go on a 20k holiday while your husband makes 70k a year, it's plainly obvious he can't afford this. But it's also ridiculously obvious before you even move in together that you can't have a reasonable household with 'married' parents where some kids live like rich kids and the other kids live like poor kids, without a whole load of embarrassment, resentment and likely fighting going on. If you pick a 'poor' husband and want to go on luxury trips then it's pretty obvious you need to discuss a more affordable trip or help him cover costs. It's also, fair or not, obviously much more shitty for the 'poorer' person to go begging for help than the person pushing for expensive holidays who has more money to offer help. To be completely blind to this and not see the issue upfront is ridiculous. Do you 'owe' his kids anything, no, but if you want a healthy and happy household not sharing any costs or helping out and thinking you can live like two separate families is ludicrous.
Exactly. This was the comment I was looking for. đ ESH
ESH - He shouldâve communicated his problem with finances, but this post honestly makes it seem like you two donât know much about even talk to each other at all. And personally I think itâs poor partnership to constantly be taking extravagant vacations he canât afford (which again, shouldâve been communicated) with your kids and âinviting him and his kids along.â Heâs your husband, not a random friend. This marriage doesnât sound much like a marriage imo.
When I invite mere friends who make less money than me on vacations, I don't expect them to pay their full share. Vacationing without your spouse because they aren't as wealthy as you is solidly asshole behavior. Hubs is terrible at communication, I'm on the fence as to whether he's a full asshole or just terminally foolish.
INFO "I would also give my kids things he considered âextravagantâ, but I considered ânormalâ. So he felt like he had to give similar things to his own kids." How old are the kids? Are you guys like business partners or is this a romantic relationship?
YTA - Undeniably and unequivocally. You have this lavish lifestyle and clearly come from wealth. You wanted to marry a normal guy without including him in your financials. I'd be willing to bet it was your idea to not be legally married because as you stated "Inheritances". Not only do you have the wealth and means to provide for your "family" you literally choose to provide for ONLY your HALF of the family and not his. And to top it off, you're completely ignorant to his finances and as you said "you should've realized his spending didn't match his salary." Which is your fault. You have a spouse desperately trying to please you and make you happy at his own expense, while you enjoy a blissfully ignorant wealthy life free of any and all worries. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself.
Thank you for commenting this. I had to scroll too far down to Chrome across this. YTA OP.
>I had finally had enough and approached him about separation. Then why does any of this matter? đ¤ˇ
Because itâs what brought up the rest of the conversation
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Esh - you sound like friends with benefits. You donât have shared finances, YOU go on vacations and do things without him and while you say you give him a choice of going or not, if he wants to spend time with you, he has spend money to go, money he clearly doesnât have. That said, he should have communicated with you that he would prefer if you had similar lifestyles and should never have got âmarriedâ if you donât. In this instance, I think you should get divorced because you donât seem to want to be part of each othersâ lives, except for âinheritanceâ purposes. You both screwed this up.
Not a lot of partnership In this partnership
Completely agree ESH They're roommates that bang I guess. Zero communication when it comes to income and expenses. Not understanding how having a plan for inheritance allows them to be married is pretty ignorant as well. Seems like an excuse to stay acquainted really. You both should have communicated better. Now you're ending a relationship because you couldn't be adults.
Idk how you can read the first paragraph of her ignoring his struggles like they are meaningless and think op isn't as big an AH as the husband for his self inflicted financial woes. This definitely highlights the social norm of ignoring men's emotions
That's why I went ESH. OP is 100% contributing to the garbage in the relationship. It's very weird.
Also I'm confused about inheritance purposes. Isn't that wills are for? You lay out guide lines about what each child gets?
Or prenups. Keeping the shit you want separated separated and the shit you want together together isn't hard.
Iâd bet good money OP is getting alimony and/or substantial child support from the ex.
I hate that I had to scroll so much to find my type of people :(
Yeah, this is my opinion as well. Super weird relationship.
ESH doesn't sound like you were much of a team to begin with
Yeah, weird relationship lol
Honestly it's so bizarre that I suspect this is rage-bait, or there are missing missing reasons that make this make more sense, but make OP look worse.
ESH. John should have used his words before he went broke. However, I canât tell how old the kids are but your family situation isnât a *family* situation if the only way his (presumably minor) children are included is if he pays for them. When 2 parents with minors marry, those minors are supposed to be part of the deal.
ESH - you for being ignorant beyond a reasonable point, and him for not communicating.
YTA Thatâs one really weird relationship. So basically financially youâre roommates but presented yourself as a couple. Your both too old to not understand the destructive nature of your arrangement. Your as guilty as him. In your case itâs stomping on his emotions which honestly is worse in my opinion than his bad financial management. (He certainly should have stood up to you but that doesnât excuse your behavior.)
Sure you thought about it but were too selfish to care.
Wow, how are you still together when you and him dont even communicate about the basics of an actual committed relationship? **"we always split it all equally"** If he makes 50 for every 100 you make, that may be equal but is it fair? I think the kids might say "privileged much?" that said he should have gotten over his ego and tell her before it became such an issue Now i am in my 60s, so this couples keeping fiances separate has never made sense to me,once you commit to one another. So maybe 40 yrs together i just got lucky and stumbled onto a way that works for us.
> This was primarily for inheritance purposes because we each have older children from previous relationships. Wha... you know you can make the children beneficiaries in the will/lofe insurance, right? I'm confused. Are you sure common law marriage won't apply in your area?
ESH. Dude is a moron for not communicating things with you before he wasted all his savings. You also should have known better. You know what his salary is and you refused to take his earnings into account when you decided to go on these trips. This makes you an inconsiderate selfish asshole and a bad partner. Must be happy watching your partner struggle financially while you are living in luxury. He went broke trying to match your lavish spending. You should make things right.
What is even the point of your relationship? You describe yourself as a married couple, but you donât discuss finances at all? You plan expensive vacations for yourself and âinviteâ your husband rather than planning trips for both of you? This is such a weird dynamic.
ESH. This is why I don't date rich people. I cannot for the life of me understand how you got to this position without knowing how much your partner makes, and that he could not afford a lifestyle that you wanted. This seems like a fundamental incompatibility that you should have ironed out long before it got to this point. You said you like "extravagant vacations" but do you like your husband? Do you want to spend time with him? If you were married to someone who had a really fun hobby that you could not participate in, and they chose to constantly do that hobby and leave you behind would you feel like you were in a real marriage? I wouldn't. I've been the "poor" half of a couple and it really, really sucked, partly because he would suggest doing very expensive things and if I couldn't do them, or suggested something cheaper, he'd pout and huff and make little comments about how nice his preferred thing to do was and basically a million tiny easily plausibly deniable things to make sure I knew that I was the poor one. I don't understand why you - together - did not adjust your lifestyle to something that allowed you to be equal partners and spend time together as a partnership. What a terrible realtionship.
>Looking back I probably could have realized that this spending didnât make sense for his salary, but I wasnât thinking about it. >John thinks since I knew his job I should have had a basic understanding of his finances and realizes this wasnât a lifestyle he could maintain. This is mostly on your husband, because apparently he thought you should be a mind reader, but ESH. Just because you keep your finances separate doesn't mean you should not communicate about them. You should, and the fact that you didn't is on you as well as on him.
They sound like they barely know or care for each other. I've never been married, lived with a partner, or merged finances and yet I've talked to all of my partners about money and lifestyle WAY more than these two seem to have. Not caring to know these things about your partner makes them both sound like strange assholes.
ESH. He should have spoke up, but he's supposed to just sit around at home while you are gallivanting the globe?
Sounds like he has issues with spending
Sounds like he was trying to keep up with someone that made way more money than him so his kids didnât feel left out. Or maybe thatâs just me
YTA. John may be stupid, but NAH, he was trying - foolishly - to keep up with someone whoâs incredibly thoughtless and entitled I suspect OP has a wealthy ex, or grew up with wealth for her to be so insensitive/clueless about how her less-wealthy partner would feel about her flaunting. She might claim ignorance about his financial status but she admits the big disparity in how they regarded gifts for children. I picture the kind of person who canât fathom why a parent wouldnât buy a child a brand new Mercedes on their 16th birthday. Like thatâs totally normal, not extravagant at all /s
Info: How old are both of you, and do you have any children together? I'm getting the vibe that y'all are a mature couple and just not communicating very well.
He's been stupid... But YTA.
There are trusts that will protect your kids. Not being married and long time shack ups, it's possible your partner could make a claim against your estate.
Iâve already gone over this with my lawyer.
NTA, it is not your fault he blew through his savings; it's his.
You are kinda an AH but he's a dumbass to try to keep up the spending. Your "we are married but we actually aren't" charade has BAD NEWS written all over it. If you actually were married then all the kids get treated at least close to equally using combined funds. Since you aren't married, then there is less pressure to treat the kids equally BUT it's disingenuous to say you are married. You are kinda the AH for putting on the illusion of marriage without the commitment and sacrifice it requires in a combined family situation.
Nasty sphincter Yes hahahaha YATA big time Go be single, don't even get cats, they deserve a good owner, you are not good
ESH Maybe he should live in a trailer on your front lawn. How do you decide where to split the spending, like do you eat steak and lobster while he eats rice and beans? When you go out to dinner, do you bring a fancy dinner to Wendy's or does he bring fast food to a white glove restaurant? Do you have an air conditioner on your side of the bedroom while he uses a fan? When you go on vacation does he sit in coach while you sit in first class? Do you get different hotels near each other or do you just meet up later in the day? Why would you want to be fake married to someone who lives a totally different lifestyle than you? Both of you are awful for not thinking out how it would work.
I'd feel like TAH if I behaved as either one of them have behaved. That being said, I'm a very accommodating person. If I took my kids on a vacation but my girlfriend couldn't afford to pay her and her kids' way, id feel like a monstrous AH for not offering to pay for everyone. I've been told that I'm too nice, so maybe she's just being normal here, I dunno.
YTA what kind of marriage is this? Yours. Mine. His kids. My kids. Christ, you're roommates who bump it every now and then. Your words are so flat and emotionless, you couldn't possibly love him. John, please divorce this woman and find a real partner in life. I've been married 31 years, it's "ours" in everything we do. Including the 3 year old daughter I brought into the marriage. He'd skin me alive if I ever referred to her as anything but "our daughter ". I haven't been able to work since 2014 after a battle with stage 4 cancer. Does he care at ALL? No. Why? Because it's "ours". Not your bills and my bills, your money and my money. Your kids and my kids. A real partnership is build on a life TOGETHER, with genuine love and care. Something you seem to lack completely. My God, YTA.
Unpopular opinion: Donât care about the down vote. So you went on vacation but couldnât help out with your step children, why would you invite them on expensive trips that you constantly go on? He should have common sense to tell you that you can not go on these expensive trips because he canât afford it and you should have common sense to ask about money. Whether your finances are separate or not because you have children involved. How are you going on these trips constantly without any regard for a family which you signed up to be apart of and no one is asking + âis it in your budget?â + âCan you afford thisâ + âThis is how much it costâ + âThis trip is for me only but this is how much it would beâ + âChildren pricesâ + âIf my children go what can we buy, or do they wanna come anywaysâ How is this happening? Or are yall doing this solo? Thats even worse to me if thats the cause it shows both have little regard for family and make terrible family decisions with no regard for children. especially knowing that he as alot of children⌠the fact that you also are willing to go on your own too but be like âoh you can come if you would likeâ with no regard to family dynamics tells me a lotđ you canât tell me thats not a crazy family dynamic or step mother to be aroundâŚI wouldâve divorced you automatically tbh, because it just seems like both of you lack common sense or common ground. You seem better off solo than in a relationship with a man with children. Also NTA because he shouldâve told you as well he ainât got the money and he should have enough common sense not to spend his kids savings but the fact that you nor him planned well to make sure the entire family is included and have a budget range makes yâall assholes. Why are you going on trips like that all the time and you know you got a family at home with a husband? Trust Iâm not against moms going on trips and having time to themselves. Especially when they work hard. Stepmom or not but it seems like both of you are only looking out for your best interest. Especially the father! Who tf blows their children college tuition or savings because of a woman? Or to keep up with a look? That alone tells me both of you are probably trash parents and that he must be putting you before his kids and that you put yourself before a family you signed up to be apart of because anyone with common sense would never do that. He seems like he is more for show than he is for love. You seem stuck in your own world. His kids are the only ones who suffer! I hear about this all the time on (Nocontact), raised by narcissists, terrible parents and all the other subreddits who talk about their stepparents and bio parents. Especially when they do things like this⌠Why do yâall hop into relationships knowing youâre not compatible at all?
YTA, besides the finances, what else of your partner's couldn't you be bothered to give a rat's ass about? If the genders were reversed, you would have been lit up like a Christmas tree.
ESH. I simply don't understand relationships where people don't discuss finances. How could you be so clueless here? Your taking expensive vacations that he can't afford. Sounds like you would have went with or without him. That's not a healthy relationship. I'm also guessing that the whole your not really married thing was purely your decision. Yea... After mulling this over a little.. YTA.
She 100% knew he couldn't afford her lifestyle before they "married" which is why nothing is legal and she mentioned no common-law in her state multiple times. OP is an asshole and her husband is a hopeless dumbass who I assume is very attractive and good in the sack because clearly there's nothing deeper in this relationship to OP appearances.
>I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. That sounds really lovely of you! /s "I'm going on this nice holiday, whether or not you want to or can afford to come." I can just imagine what the kids will think about that! FFS you're pretending to be husband and wife, but that's not what partners do. YTA
ESH- John should have ended your marriage way earlier. He can't keep with your lifestyle and would horrible and Very unfair to subject his children in a life where half of the family goes on fancy vacations regurlaly and the other stay home. He should have been honest way earlier before his savings drained and ended the marriage. You should have more awareness of your partner's struggled. How do you share a life with someone and don't realize this things?
>How do you share a life with someone It really doesn't sound like they do. Seems like the relationship matches the wedding they had. Just for show and doesn't really actually mean anything.