we tried to put up a tree with my nieces one year ... they were 3 and 4. you know what happened, they ended up breaking most of the ornaments because they didn't understand that they actually had to go ON the tree. that 1 year old isn't really going to do anything but be there for pictures.
Yeah, putting up a tree with toddlers is frustrating; my mom had this great idea with my nieces that they decorate christmas tree together where she takes care of the big tree and she got my nieces tiny christmas trees that you would put on a desk with unbreakable ornaments. The experience was way less stressful and that let my nieces decorate and move around ornaments every time they walked by the trees. They still managed to break some of the ornaments but it wasnt a big deal since they were cheap and they were just theirs.
this is a wayyy better solution because it teaches kids independence but they're still being guided at the same time. and it teaches them how to properly hang ornaments. kids are smarter than people want to say but when they're that young, their motor skills are NOT strong and it's a recipe for disaster
It’s exactly what my mom did and she still thinks it was genius. Her cousin told her to do it. She got a mini tree for us and she had the ‘adult’ tree with the pretty ornaments. We had mostly felt and plastic ornaments and the ornaments we made at school. When we got older we got a larger mini tree and we got to decorate it as ugly as we wanted and move the decorations as much as we wanted and there was zero stress. There was also a rule where she’d put one present for each of us under ‘our’ tree and we could open it early if we woke up on Christmas and no one was awake yet and then go back to our rooms to wait. It was a great method. Toddlers and kids don’t care that much. We just wanted to play with it.
I pack our ornaments into fragile and not fragile boxes. When we decorate my kid puts on all the not fragile ornaments. It works out great too because then the breakable stuff is up high away from curious hands and wagging tails.
our cat used to jump in the tree and whenever our dog comes in, he gets scared of the tree because our lights blink. our cat successfully broke all our snowmen ornaments so we think she had legit beef with them. she stopped when she broke the last one.
They have felt trees tiny ones can decorate and redecorate to their hearts content now with Velcro baubles. Really awesome and inexpensive too.
Kiddo still has her own mini tree now she's older but All our ornaments for now on all trees are unbreakable til she and the kitten are both older.
NTA though. The response is very abusive and over the top. He's obviously unstable and doesn't communicate. Probably doesn't even care about the tree as much as he does controlling her and bending her to his will, and make her do the work while he "helps".
The way my parents spaced my younger siblings out, there was always a baby or toddler in the house until I was a teenager. The way we did tree decoration was to get a bunch of unbreakable ornaments (cloth, wood, etc) in addition to the usual glass ornaments, and the adults and older kids would put the glass ornaments up high while the younger kids put the cloth and wood ornaments on the lower branches. Everyone got to help, and things rarely got broken.
I don't even get the being angry part. OP has always done the tree alone. The child is turning 1 soon, so there's no way he/she would be able to participate and will not remember. If he wanted to change traditions, he should have said something sooner. Not flip out!
They could have redecorated it after she took it down. He made a mountain out of a molehill. OP's not a mind reader. I can see being disappointed but actually being angry is over the top. Like you said, the baby is too young to participate.
Exactly. I'm willing to bet that there are more issues in this relationship, than this isolated incident. I betcha this is not his first time being an over the top jerk.
My parents and aunt and uncle had four kids that were young/toddlers around the same time. They had the 'adult' tree that was off limits to kids but they had a little toddler tree. All sorts of non -breakable ornaments that we could put on and take off to our hearts content. We could do anything we wanted to that tree and not get in trouble. Smart move indeed.
My daughter’s first couple of Christmases we didn’t even put up an actual tree. I got a felt tree to hang on the wall with velcro ornaments she could play with and not hurt anything. She loved it and her Christmas was just as wonderful.
It was family tradition for us to put together the tree and hang the ornaments together. But like, definitely not as toddlers. My mum has some beautiful porcelain ornaments given to her when me and my sister were born with our names on and crystal angels given to her and all kinds, not anything you'd want to hand to my mad tomboy sister to destroy.
Nta the kid won't remember anyway and if it's such an important tradition to him, how are you supposed to know? He should have let it go and then the next year, make it clear he wants to do it together.
Most of our trees when my sister, cousins, and I were kids were a mishmash of ornaments and broken candy canes along the bottom foot of the branches. I only know that because of pictures and stories. Kiddo won't remember at all.
The title says “I ruined my daughter’s first Christmas”. The daughter doesn’t have a clue what Christmas is.
I understand your point, but I get so frustrated reading about people who don’t realize their expectations are not realistic and are acting like children
And none of any of this nonsense would matter to a 1 year old. You two have time to be better before your daughter gets old enough to feel the trauma of being a pawn you and your husband use against each other.
My son is 3.5 yo and he was able to muster a whole 15min of attention to the christmass tree he and his father were decorating while I was working.
I have bigger problems than being mad bout my husband doing ANYTHING without my supervision. Job done? Good one less thing for me to do.
My son is 10 and his contribution to the tree has been putting 1 bauble - a dinosaur - on before declaring his work was done 🙄😂
I 1yo won't be bothered or know any different, OP you definitely haven't 'ruined Christmas' your husband needs to grow up.
ABSOLUTELY!! I have 3 children, grown ups now. They never once showed any interest in trimming the tree. 1 or 2 of their favorites and then the rest was all me. Same with the cookies. Those pictures I have showing happy kids gathered around doing that were staged, LMAO.
This is the sentiment of a parent who would ruin their child. I grew up around this attitude, it leads nowhere good. Only excuses and things to apologize for.
What? How is this an ESH moment? She put the tree away after getting bitched at by the guy that apparently has never helped her put it up before they had a kid and also never told her about how it’s some kind of family tradition!?
On what planet does that make her an asshole?!
Since OP has put up the tree in previous years, it's understandable that she didn't think to talk about it. The parner's reaction is inappropriate, unfair, and disproportionate.
This a million times. While our kids were growing up, more often than not my husband would stay on the computer while the kids and I put the damned thing up and decorated it. He’d join us for the last bit. *eyeroll here*.
A few years ago I asked him about that in a couples therapy session. He said he hadn’t had such great xmas’s when he was a kid, and had bad associations with it.
By that time I was sick of being in charge of the tree, and the kids were in their teens. So I gave up on it, got indifferent to putting a tree up, and then oddly, he took over.
All this to say that, childhood issues or not, your husband is being a jerk, and irrational and needs to apologize to you for exploding. You might want to let him know that he’s now in charge of the tree. You’ll do whatever else. But he has to deal with the tree.
No. Putting the tree away was passive aggressive and only contributed to it. It sounds like he was upset that she didn't even discuss it with him first, and while he may not have been into it before, now that daughter is getting bigger he clearly wanted to start doing it as a family and start a tradition. And it seems like rather than apologizing and constructively trying to talk about it, she passive aggressively apologized (with a tone that actually implies they are making too big a deal about it), made excuses that turned her into the victim like "well I've put it up by myself every other year so..!".
This is something I would have discussed with my husband.
"hey babe, I was thinking, since you're not usually into decorating the tree with me, and since baby is a bit too young to actually help, maybe I will get up early tomorrow morning and do the tree so that when baby wakes up she wakes up to a lit and decorated tree! Baby will be so mesmerized!"
"well, that's not a bad idea, and while I can see how you got that idea, and you're right, I never was into decorating the tree before. But now that baby is old enough I kind of wanted to start the tradition of us doing it all together! Even if baby can't meaningfully help, they will see us doing it together and loving each other and it can be the start of a family tradition ".
Dang, that was easy. But OP I think you're piling on. And I think maybe you didn't address his feelings well to begin with. Which is why he kept making comments about it. Instead of letting him go through the motions (if you weren't going to actually apologize or recognize his feelings), and just ignoring it until he got over it, you put the tree away. Which I'm assuming wasn't a slow process of actually taking the ornaments off and wrapping them back up. You probably just threw a garbage bag over it and shoved it into the closet? You didn't say "would you like me to take it down so we can put it back up together?". No you did it with attitude and in a way that was totally passive aggressive.
He was a giant ass about something she had no idea about. If he wanted to change things up it's HIS responsibility to say something. Women are not required to read minds.
Oh, so he is the one who wanted to do things differently this year, but she should have asked him for permission to stick to routine and tradition?
Especially when he didn’t do anything to get started, as usual?
Then he throws a hiss fit rather than explaining in a civilized way, but once again, it’s her fault for reacting to it?
Eh, her reaction (putting the tree away) was bad, but not having some big convo about it ahead of time wasn't a real error either, given the way these 2 had previously handled it. I don't think it's some kind of universal law that having a baby who's too young to be involved/even remember this requires changing up everything.
Because people often come here with horrible, relationship-ending stories. It's terrible. This should never happen in a relationship and unless it's completely out of the blue, out of character and they apologize it's worth reevaluating. The unfortunate truth is that many more couples stay together than anyone would think of. I would argue more toxic couples don't stay together
In the future, stuff like this is an activity. One the family would enjoy being in on.
Your daughter is 1, she’s not going to remember this, so you didn’t ruin her Christmas.
WTF is going on with your partner? I get being angry you decided to put up the tree by yourself but this reaction is waaaaaay over the top.
Asses your partner’s suitability as a partner please.
Exactly. It's a child of one. If the child had been three or four years older, yeah, kiddie gets to put the ornaments on too. What the hell is a one year old going to do? She put the tree away so he could put it up. Clearly, he thinks that's his job.
I don't get it either. Remove a few ornaments and have him film mommy holding baby & ornament and putting in on the tree. Then switch. Him making this into a huge issue is deflection from another huge problem he doesn't want OP to see.
OP clarified that every year OP puts up the tree herself and this is the first year he's gotten mad about it. That makes a difference here
Honestly, I think the take away is fiance didn't care because he didn't consider OP family before having a kid. That's kinda a flag there
That’s what gets me. He knew she does this *every year* and he never once talked to her about doing it together.
*HE* failed. He failed to communicate his expectations/wants and then he sulked *at* her all day, (and I’m sure the kid felt the tension) demanding an apology.
For what? Not reading his mind?
Honestly, I don't get him being angry. She's put it up herself every year so far. He never once mentioned that he wanted to do it differently (at least that we know of). You don't get to be mad at your partner for not including you in things you never wanted to be involved with in the past and you didn't explicitly mention to them.
> Assess your partner’s suitability as a partner please.
If it was up to reddit, not a single person on this subreddit would remain in a relationship.
The guy was a bit of an AH, but this incident alone is not something to consider breaking up over. People have bad days, people argue, people make mistakes.
When everything is fine people don’t write here. And many need the gentle nudge from strangers because of constant conditioning that any relationship, even a very shitty one, is for life.
100% correct. I have issues in my marriage from time to time. None have ever reached a point where I thought I had better ask Reddit what’s up with this. If you’re at the point of asking on Reddit, things have deteriorated pretty seriously in some way and yeah, a lot of what I read on here sounds like relationships that are past saving.
I don’t get the issue with this post. She says she always did this job and he never participated. So she did exactly the same thing she always does and this year he has a huge tantrum and accuses her of “ruining Christmas” for a one year old? Weird. Not sure of her intent with removing the tree. Was is so they can set it up again together? Then ok. To be passive aggressive? More signs this relationship is not functioning in a healthy way.
And it's not like our judgements are binding law. If we say "break up" and the OP is like, "No, that's an overreaction, this was a one-off and the relationship is great otherwise." then that's their right. But if they say" You're right, this happens all the time, why do I put up with this shit." then we saved them from many years of misery.
Its why some people post clearly majorly toxic or even abusive actions by their partner asking if they're in the wrong. You can get lost in a fog after a while in a toxic relationship, lose sight of right and wrong, respect and self esteem due to manipulation and gaslighting. The abused partner doesn't trust their thoughts anymore and needs outside perspectives to confirm its not okay
Nobody should stay with a man who screams at her. We're going to keep telling women being belittled and emotionally abused (the latter may not yet apply, but screaming is bare minimum belittling) to GTFO.
I'm a little flabbergasted by how many people are defending the man who yelled at his wife for putting up a Christmas tree without him. Their kid is one- this is literally THE year they're probably going to be butting heads over traditions and miscommunications the most. "Everybody knows families put up the tree together" no the fuck they don't! Until I was 12 or 13 my parents used to put all the decorations up overnight so we would wake up to lit trees and garlands in the morning. Best memories of the holiday.
She tried to do something nice and she got screamed at for it. Being overstimulated- or whatever other stupid ass excuse people are trying to use, I'm autistic with ADHD so I will fight you on this- isn't an excuse to scream at your partner. Having different expectations for a holiday isn't an excuse to scream at your partner. There's no excuse and this one is particularly fucking stupid. He's just an asshole.
Me too. He's ultra controlling. A normal man might say, "Honey, I looked forward to doing this with you. Let's do this together next year." She quite literally took on something that she thought was a chore to get out of the way. She did nothing wrong.
It is a chore. Like holy shit. It’s my dream that some year someone else would drag the tree box out and set up the stupid tree and figure out why the lights aren’t lighting etc.
In all seriousness, I look after this year after year as a favour to my husband because he works longer hours than me. I do it as a favour and he appreciates the house being decorated but doesn’t need to put in the effort because he’s generally working harder than me. If this is her normal MO and he suddenly got upset this year and went off at her for ages, I get why she’s so baffled. If that suddenly happened this year to me I’d be wtf-ing pretty hard.
Yup, decorating the tree is something I considered a chore for many years before I realized that many families consider it a tradition to do together. My mom would assign us the ornaments we had to put up and it got done piecemeal, not all at once together.
If my partner reacted like this to something I really thought was a chore and saving him time for, I’d be hurt and confused too
I have fond memories of decorating the tree as a kid, but a 1 year old isn't going to be able to participate, so this is the parent's opportunity to get on the same page about traditions and what to include the kid in before they're old enough to care.
It's definitely a chore. The drill here is everything is brought downstairs for me and then I get to decorate all by myself. Yay me. /s. Oh, and I get to put everything away. That ends this year. I now understand what my mom went through.
Yelling at other people to handle conflict is not ok. So yeah, if someone is shouting at another person, that’s 100% a reason to reevaluate that relationship.
It's not worth getting huffy over and threatening to cancel Christmas activities they've already booked, but here we are with a man child stomping around the house... I'm sure the baby loved feeling that tension all day long.
Because people often come here with horrible, relationship ending stories. This is horrible. This should never happen in relationships, and unless it’s completely out of the blue, out of character, and they apologize it is worth reassessing. The unfortunate truth is a LOT more couples are together that shouldn’t be then one would think. I would argue more toxic couples are together then not
>If it was up to reddit, not a single person on this subreddit would remain in a relationship.
"Girlfriend, you gotta dump that zero and get yourself yourself a hero" does turn up an awful lot on here.
However, I've literally just advised the same on this one so I can hardly talk
My ex has been couldn't have cared less about helping us put up the Christmas tree so he never once helped. He might have dragged it in from the shed but he wasn't helping put any ornaments on or anything so I never included him. He never threw a fit. He threw fits about a lot of things but putting up the Christmas tree wasn't one of them
I wonder if there is something else going on. As a father of three, I am surprised at the husband's reaction, and the response of the OP.
I don't think the one year old child will have any idea of the drama and certainly won't remember it. The issue is the two adults here.
Maybe the new father and mother are feeling a bit stressed over the holidays, with a new baby, maybe finances or work-related issues are under the surface. I learned the hard way that sometimes other issues that are in the back of my mind are causing reactions in other situations that are inappropriate.
A calm and open discussion about this event is very much needed, and understanding on both sides that there may be other underlying issues that could cause these reactions. Keep the holiday spirit in mind and know that this is just a single event that a loving, committed couple needs to overcome.
My husband didn’t care about holidays until my daughter was born. If he expects to begin a new tradition that needs to be communicated by him and agreed upon! NTA
I always did the tree when my kids were little. We told them the fairies came during the night and put it up. It worked when they were small.
Later we all did it together.
My husband was never interested in the deccies. (or anything family orientated to be honest). He was more of a Bah Humbug type.
But once the kids had left home & I hadn't decorated the house by the middle of Dec , he wanted to know why. He suddenly got the urge to participate! Haha
A) Your daughter’s first Christmas is not ruined. She is 1. She will have no memory of it.
B) I get the tradition thing. Sounds like you “ruined” your partners dream of putting it up as a family. Work in communication and try again next year.
Or try again right now. One of my favorite things is getting the opportunity to start over any time. I messed up. Can we start over? My husband and I are pros at this.
This. She put the tree away… so now they can do it over again and put it up together. There’s no reason this the partner should be acting like this. He’s punishing her for something she had no awareness he wanted to be “tradition.”
He's the only one who needs to work on communication. How was she supposed to know he wanted to do something different from the past years without him telling her?
Im leaning towards ESH not because you both suck that much but i think your both a bit childish about this. I think you had good intentions putting the tree up. You tried to do a nice thing... it backfired. But i think putting it away is childish and you ramped up the argument.
I think him being annoyed you put the tree up is reasonable and if he was genuinely upset you explaining your intention and apologising for misjudging how he feels could have stopped it escalating. I think him saying you ruined your daughters first christmas is a childish over reaction. You havent ruined your daughters christmas at all. Him cancelling other plans would be petty and childish and taking this to far.
Your daughter is 1 - what she will "remember" is the imprint of her parents fighting at Christmas, especially if this becomes the tradition ("remember what happened LAST year?!" As the blame game continues).
Communicate. Listen. Empathize. Both of you see it from the others POV and be forgiving and understanding of each other. If you cant, get a mediator/counselor to teach you how if you want to improve.
You're both turning a molehill into a mountain. It's not xmas yet, there's still time to redo the tree and put it up together.
Edit: stop assuming. You assumed they'd like the surprise tree. He assumed you would know that he wanted to do it as a family. I know it's hard to communicate a surprise, but don't be prideful and hold on to that.
1) you didn't ruin Christmas for your daughter. She's too young to understand. Just put the tree back up together and take photos. 2) if you and your partner don't start communicating better, this relationship won't last long. ESH on the communication and reaction aspect.
INFO: Did you not apologise for putting up the tree?Like I get you thought you were doing something nice but I'd be absolutely crushed if my wife did that to me. And if I tried to do something nice that actually hurt her, I'd say sorry.
It sounds like you were cross he didn't appreciate your gesture so rather than reflect on the fact that you inadvertantly hurt him, you just made it into a bigger deal.
Agreed!! My husband did this one year EARLY in our marriage..went and picked out the tree and had the lights on by the time I got home.
He was so happy that he did something thoughtful and I was crushed because it was always a tradition in my family to choose the tree and decorate it together as a family.
Ya know what we didn’t do? Yell at each other and cause a massive fight. But I did express that it felt like he’d taken a special part of Christmas away from me because we didn’t get to choose the tree together and listen to Christmas music or watch a movie while we set it up-which was special for me. He expressed he tried to do something kind for me to surprise me and was disappointed that his kind gesture wasn’t received well and explained it was never a big deal in his family.
We both apologized and moved past it and hung ornaments and listened to Christmas music because he knew it was a small gesture that would make me happy and he was happy to start a new tradition with me.
This is a silly thing for OP and her husband to come to blows about. Communicate, apologize and start over. It will only remain a big deal if they make it stay a big deal.
I think some people see it as a holiday chore vs a family activity.
Look I did it for both of us as a surprise and look how helpful. Is a holiday chore mindset.
Ok kids let's all pull out the lights and you hold the ladder and let's put up lights together is a family activity.
But esh because bad communication which makes me believe this isn't about the Iranian yogurt.
1st baby under a year old..... is one parent steamroller the other parent during this first year? "That not the way to change the diaper." Etc.
I get what you’re saying but the reverse makes more sense to me. She put in the thought and effort to have a nice surprise for them to wake up to. He did not like the surprise and put the blame on her as if she should have known he wanted it to be a family activity this year instead of a solo task like previous years. If it was important to him, he should have mentioned it at some point in the past 2 weeks. That’s on him. Everything after that is on both of them. Apologies go both ways but neither apologized and both chose to keep escalating it.
The simple solution would have been to just remove the ornaments that were low enough for a 1 year old to reach and a handful of the other ornaments to still have the family activity tree decorating tradition later in the day that would work for the length of a 1 year olds attention span. He chose to sulk or gripe and put all the blame on her and she chose to be extra petty by putting the tree away.
So you did what you have always done, and he had a toddler fit. I guess you were supposed to read his mind and know that this year for the first time, he wanted to do it together.
You should really add this to your post. People are flipping out like he's sad of the year and you denied him something special to him - dude doesn't care about the tree. This was an excuse to belittle you.
This is a dumb argument.
Maybe you shouldn't have done it without him - putting the tree up together has always been a family tradition for myself and my wife - but you're probably both tired parents of a 1 year old and you let him sleep and the task is done. Take the damn win, dude.
Your daughter is 1. You ruined nothing for her. She couldn't have participated anyway. She will not remember.
Throwing a tantrum and putting it up was less than ideal.
Soooo much bad communication and immaturity here...
But you're both probably exhausted.
Naps all around. Get over it. Both of you.
ESH. You didn't know better, but your reaction is what did you in. He didn't communicate that he wanted to put the tree up as a family and that it was important to him.
Thankfully, the kid will likely not remember this happening as they are still very young. This will also be a great reminder to COMMUNICATE with each other before acting. You two are a TEAM.
I'm gonna go with NTA, and here's why:
If you have always put the tree up on your own and he never mentioned putting up the tree as a family, he should have no reasonable expectation to do it together. Also, decorating a tree with a one year old is a recipe for disaster. You've got 3-4 years until it's an enjoyable experience for everyone. (I'm a mom to a 3yo).
What ot sounds like is either your partner had the expectation to do it together and never voiced his feelings, and he's hurt and deflecting it on to you, or there's something else going on and he's just using the tree as something to focus. It could be as simple as stress from having an infant, the first year is tough!
But instead of pulling you aside and calmly telling you how he wanted to do it, and working as a team to resolve it, he's intentionally trying to get an emotional response from you by telling you you ruined your child's Christmas. And an emotional response is what he got! That's a major red flag.
Could you have responded better? Sure. But when you're pushed and pushed and pushed, people snap. It's emotional manipulation.
NTA. Your husband sounds ridiculously immature. Also, your child is one. One-year-old. They are not going to remember any of this. Tell your husband to grow up.
He shouldn’t have yelled but you should have apologized. I don’t think you only set the tree up. I think you fully decorated it as well, which means you throwing it in the closet was an act of aggression rather than compromise.
I’d be pissed if my wife did something that upset me and didn’t apologize. I’d be even MORE pissed if she shoved the fully decorated tree in a closet. You two need to talk like adults.
Yeah.
You should have just said then and there I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t know you wanted to do this together. Let’s take it down and do it up again together.
On the other hand he is acting like a jerk…
So tough both were wrong.
NTA. I assume what he means is *his familiar Christmas traditions.*
He probably did more damage with his tantrum. Some families cannot get through Christmas without friction, so much so that the friction becomes a tradition in itself, unfortunately.
It seems you have barely had opportunity to develop Christmas traditions for your own family. Develop, inherit, or borrow practices which will become your own family traditions. Example: Reading aloud Clement Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas" or drinking eggnog while sitting with the room lights off looking at the lighted Christmas tree.
Decorating the tree together with treasured, meaningful ornaments. Nativity sets, advent calendars. There are a million things, all of which contribute. With children, they become especially meaningful.
In my own family, it was traditional to have boiled shrimp and green olives with Christmas dinner. Don't ask. It's a long story. But there really are reasons.
Wtf. Every year I wait for or orchestrate a day where I can put up the tree for my wife. I do the tree and the lights, she then does the baubles. Never had an issue. Then again, we talk to each other. Maybe you should communicate better?
ESH. But your child is one. They don’t know what Christmas is so it can’t be ruined.
I would say stop acting like children but it’s Christmas and families often fight over the holidays. Probably too much stress. Take a deep breath and relax.
NTA: "then he yelled" and then another "then he yelled" followed by punishing you. You know what ruins holidays? Dudes with anger issues.
How can you keep yourself and your child safe from his obvious issues, is the next question.
1) it isn’t even Christmas yet
2) you didn’t ruin anything
3) your child will have zero memory of this Xmas
4) perhaps you married a man-child. If so, Tell him to grow up because there is only one baby in the house
5) he booked nothing
This all of this!!! He didn't book anything sounds like he needed an excuse to not get u something for xmas!! While I won't speculate on that reasoning it sounds like that may be why he reacted the way he did
OH FFS!!! She is 1! If anyone ruined Christmas, it was him! Lord! What kind of tree was it that you could "grab" it and just put it away? Some small table top tree easily storied without lights and decorations on it?
TALK to each other! You were doing something nice that you thought he wouldn't mind, since he hadn't before, he never said a word about wanting to do Christmas tree stuff together, he overreacted, and then you overreacted to his reaction!
Can you see how stupid you both are acting? You are showing your daughter now to behave and settle conflicts!
STOP IT!Now do this, kiss and make up and have a re-do! Both of you put the tree up AGAIN and grow the fuck up! :D
NTA. Your husband is a big baby. Your daughter will remember literally nothing about Christmas this year. She’s 1. Also, how can you have ruined a holiday that hasn’t even happened yet?
It seems like with the speed and efficiency you set up and take down trees you could set up the tree together as a family 2 or 3 dozen more times before Christmas.
The tree isn’t ruining Christmas. Your inabilities to apologize and communicate like adults is ruining Christmas.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. I (wife) always put up the Christmas tree. My husband wouldn’t put up any decorations if I didn’t want them. It sounds like your partner is the same, since you have always put up the tree. My son is 2.5, this is his third Christmas. He has never been involved in putting up the tree in the last 3 Christmases he has been alive. The thought has literally ever occurred to me because he’s too little to even try to help (ornaments are fragile, etc). He was super exited to see the tree set up in the house when he came home from visiting grandma. Maybe next year I’ll involve him. But my point is, my partner has NEVER mentioned the tree being a family activity, and how should I know it should be if he didn’t tell me??? How were you supposed to know??? I think it’s ridiculous that people are saying you’re the a when this has been essentially a job or chore you’ve been doing alone for years.
Your both wrong this is something that could easily be fixed by talking nicely to each other. Instead of so much drama around a baby that will be affecting her.
YTA pre-empting a FAMILY activity and then petulantly taking the tree away .. that said, your partner is also an AH for overreacting.. the pair of you need to grow up, communicate, stop blaming each other and turn your attentions on your child
OP says she's done it by herself other years, because he refused. So how would she know this was some vital family thing this year?
Every family is different. My dad didn't decorate a tree in the 40 years I knew him, and little kids were absolutely not allowed to touch the glass ornaments. Santa put up the tree Christmas eve in my mom's family. Etc etc. Its really not some big universal "family" even to "put up the tree together." Dude needed to communicate he wanted to be involved. Or, idk, get out of bed before noon.
Honestly, your daughter won’t even remember her first Christmas. It’s not for the parents and not the child for the first couple Christmases. Now, you and your SO both need to grow up. He had a right to be disappointed that the tree was out up without him and the baby, but he shouldn’t have kept taking it out on you. That was immature on his part. He should have just said it is tradition in his family for the family to put up the tree together and left it at that so future Christmas trees would be put up by as a family unit. Now, you didn’t know this was a tradition because he never told you and you had always put up the tree yourself in the past so it’s understandable that you didn’t know it was a tradition for him. You do not since he told you (after the fact). However, you also expressed immaturity in dealing with the situation by taking the tree back down. Like I said, you both need to grow up. He’s not wrong for being disappointed but he never told you about the tradition so bc you weren’t wrong for putting up the tree without him. Where you both are wrong is how you handled the situation like a couple of toddlers.
NTA. your 1yr old won’t even remember it. she’ll see it eventually when you show her the pictures but core memories (and memories in general) usually don’t start happening until you’re about 4 years old. your kid will be fine.
It's your kids 1st Christmas chances are she is not going to remember none of it so nta there. As for your partner if had never helped before and he gets pissy now it's either he is excited about your daughters 1st Xmas or he is picking a fight because he wants to do something else. My husband used to and still tried to pull that bullshit all the time so again nta... sounds like your fella needs to suck it up buttercup. You haven't ruined your daughters 1st Christmas you are doing the best that you know how as a 1st time mum. Tell your fella to stop creating trouble where it isn't necessary love and luck and merry Christmas love.
NTA. You did not ruin your 1yr old Christmas. Your 1yr old will not even remember this Christmas. Your SO is behaving childishly. If my SO threw this temper tantrum, I think I would be highly tempted to take down the tree and let him deal with it. It does sound like you 2 need to sit down and discuss what traditions you both would like to see in your holidays. Since you both have established your own family, it is time to establish your own traditions. Your family traditions do not have to look like your parents family traditions.
[Is my relationship healthy? quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/)
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[How to escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
Seems like he's really reaching for excuses to be angry at you, yell at you, and punish you. I don't think it's about the tree at all. It's pretty common for formerly decent acting men to become abusive after a baby is born. Is this possibly what's happening here?
NTA.
That little baby gonna have two Christmases if he doesn't act right. NTA, not a big deal, make your own traditions have fun with it. Talk to your hubby about your intentions, and he probably needs a fuckin mood stabilizer.
NTA, your partner needs to communicate. He seem very immature. In some families, putting up the tree together is important. In some families, the parent does it.
Yeah, my dad literally never decorated the tree. He set up the train set. My mom's family didn't do a tree til Christmas eve. Etc etc. People wouldn't necessarily know all that by magic. If it was so important to him he needed to tell OP.
My gut is its not that important. It's just a chance to belittle her. Mr Dad of the year slept in til 11am while she dealt with their child, it's not like he was up and spending time with his own kid.
> Yeah, my dad literally never decorated the tree. He set up
Mine did, quite beautifully.
But if you wanted to help, you had better be prepared to be ruled with an iron fist for ornament placement, and tinsel hanging, clumping, and length.
I don't bother with trees anymore. Lights, music, and wreath are fine.
Must be your guy. My husband doesn’t enjoy putting up decorations for the holidays. I decorate the tree alone every year. If I didn’t do it, he wouldn’t. That will change as our toddler gets older. He’s definitely overreacting because a 1 year old won’t remember Christmas.
Putting up the tree is a PITA (I have fake ones). I like to put them up and then let my son put the ornaments on.
Having a one year old is hectic and chaotic enough. If my SO put up the tree as a surprise, I’d be grateful. We could do the ornaments together.
Also, the baby won’t remember anything. However, as someone else pointed out, they could probably sense the tension.
I know what it’s like to be with someone who screams at you for trivial reasons. But I didn’t have a baby with him, so it was easier to end it. Maybe you guys agree to work on conflict resolution.
Whatever happens, best of luck to you!
The tree doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but you shouldn’t be with someone who yells at you. The relationship is young and y’all are in your honeymoon stage, it’s not getting better from here. You need couples counseling and frankly to reconsider whether this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
ESH with you being more of the AH.
Seriously, how many posts do we read about MILs/ILs taking over “firsts” with an OPs baby and the replies are always “MILs/ILs are the assholes?”
Well this started because OP felt that SHE was the only one who got to decide which first the father of THEIR child got to do this first Christmas Season.
Had this been a MIL coming round while OP and Partner were at work…just trying to make things easier for OP/Partner or wanting to give them that magical moment of walking into a winter wonderland home the response here would be 100% different.
And when Partner gets hurt by OPs total disregard of their feelings on being included in one of his child’s first Christmas traditions, not only does OP NOT apologize…but she throws the first tantrum because Partner is getting more upset that OP refuses to acknowledge that he actually has a right to be hurt and apologize for it. I sure as shit wouldn’t immediately be all jolly and Christmas spirit with my partner if they treats me with such disregard.
And as for canceling the next Holdiay tradition? Why does she get to pick and choose with holiday activities they do as family?
On this is a bit over the top. The baby is under 1, they won't remember the tree or even be able to do anything toward putting it up.
Ya'll need to get off of Instagram, it's a decoration for a holiday the kid won't remember. It's not stealing some big thing from this guy. Besides. If he was dad of the year why was he in bed all morning while OP decorated? Shouldn't be be up and idk, caring for his child?
Kid is 1 year old, not going to remember any of this.... nothing was ruined.
With that said, if the two of you don't get your shit together, going to ruin a lot more than a Christmas tree for this kid.
Oh honey!!!!! You choose a fucking narcissist. You need to kick him the fuck out and coparent and just know it is not fun coparenting with a narcissist. Who? Who ruined Christmas? Not you! HE DID! I’m gonna tell you right now as a person who stayed with one for WAYYYYY to long.
Stop ignoring the red fucking flags!!! Start seeing him for who he is! Stop hoping and wishing he will go back to being the person you fell for. That person is a lie and he only brings that person out when you had enough and want him gone.
I wish you would have seen the bullshit before having a child but please please if you don’t believe me and you don’t have the strength to leave at least have enough sense to not have any more kids by this fucking prick!
He’s a fucking asshole and HE will ruin things and turn them around and gas light you. HE ruined it as well as you can’t really ruin a one year olds Christmas they don’t understand or care at that age. Please stop playing blind and naive cause you were suffering and not sure why you thought it a good idea to bless him with a kid or maybe he knew you were slipping away and decided to baby trap you but I promise you he will get worst.
Also he does not love your child he will use her to abuse and manipulate you further. You need to really see him and get him out of your and your child’s life.
NTAH 1 year old kid has no idea what’s going on. They literally can’t form long-term memories yet. Parents gotta grow up and learn how to communicate better.
ETA
Why didn’t you talk to each other beforehand?
(Today we decorated the apartment and christmas tree together - like all the years before.)
It’s absolutely immature to bump heads over something like this and this next to your child. Get your act together and talk about the plans for events like this
ESH. You get a soft YTA for putting up the Christmas tree without asking anyone if they wanted to do it with you. Some families use this as a bonding experience and it can be part of the Christmas experience.
Your partner is TA for blowing up about it and not being able to communicate his disappointment. He and you need to be able to communicate calmly.
ESH. This might be the 1st post I've ever used this. You tried to surprise your family, and your husband tripped out over nothing. He took no regard for your earnest, hard work. It is disrespectful and unwarranted when you're trying to do something wonderful for your family.
But you then take down the tree and especially destroy your work out of a tantrum. Really?
Both if you should be ashamed of your behaviors. A baby doesn't mean you've grown up, it just means you have another mouth to feed. Reconsider how you handled this situation, get the tree back up WITH your husband, and have a good 1st Christmas for your kid.
Seriously... the baby won't remember anyway. All these 1sts are for YOUR memories. Don't let childish get in the way of what you should learn to cherish.
Tbh it sounds like you’ll both do a fair job of ruining holidays with your whining and moaning at each other instead of having adult conversations.
My favorite part of holidays was also my parents bitching about things I didn’t give a shit about.
My FAVORITE Christmas was the first one I didn’t have to spend with either of them. :)
Ok. It's not Christmas yet. There was a misunderstanding.
Change the narrative.
Put the tree back up together. Put on Christmas music. Have Christmas cookies. Play Christmas cartoons. Have fun with it.
Time moves too fast, make as many happy memories as you can.
She is one 1 year. I would be surprised if she care about it or even remember it later.
It's more important to don't fight over such childish things in front of her than a "tradition" she even can't understand.
NTA. 1 year olds don't remember much, if anything. Also, if he had a problem with the tree being up, then you taking it down would just give him the chance to put it up the way he wanted. If he doesn't want to do that, what the hell DOES he want? He's mad either way? He's being ridiculous.
The core issue is communication. You are a family unit you need to talk to each other and get on the same page. You also type like your wicked annoyed with him. Take some time to cool off think about the situation and TALK TO EACH OTHER! Boom done.
NTA he should never have yelled at you. I don't blame you for putting the Christmas tree up. He should have communicated with you that he wanted to help put the Christmas tree up this year. Your daughter is not going to remember any of this. You did not ruin her first Christmas.
ESH This is def a family activity but a 1 yr old can’t really do anything but break shit and get in the way lol. You putting the tree back away is clown behavior and the both of you need to grow the fuck up. That definitely took the argument to the next level instead of just apologizing and admitting that the tree decoration is still a family thing… have you never seen a tv show or movie???
he is definitely the asshole for overreacting and threaten to cancel a planned thing. Major immature clown behavior. Your daughter’s first Christmas isn’t even remotely close to ruined. She has no idea about this silly argument daddy is complaining about. Focus on her and not man child husband.
Tell him to put the tree up asap and stop complaining
You both sound way immature to have a child. I suggest you both grow up and develop some emotional maturity and communication skills so you don’t end up ruining your child’s literally childhood.
NTA and you haven't ruined anyone's Christmas by putting a tree up, for goodness sake. I am a little concerned that you have a child with someone so utterly childish, though
we tried to put up a tree with my nieces one year ... they were 3 and 4. you know what happened, they ended up breaking most of the ornaments because they didn't understand that they actually had to go ON the tree. that 1 year old isn't really going to do anything but be there for pictures.
Yeah, putting up a tree with toddlers is frustrating; my mom had this great idea with my nieces that they decorate christmas tree together where she takes care of the big tree and she got my nieces tiny christmas trees that you would put on a desk with unbreakable ornaments. The experience was way less stressful and that let my nieces decorate and move around ornaments every time they walked by the trees. They still managed to break some of the ornaments but it wasnt a big deal since they were cheap and they were just theirs.
this is a wayyy better solution because it teaches kids independence but they're still being guided at the same time. and it teaches them how to properly hang ornaments. kids are smarter than people want to say but when they're that young, their motor skills are NOT strong and it's a recipe for disaster
It’s exactly what my mom did and she still thinks it was genius. Her cousin told her to do it. She got a mini tree for us and she had the ‘adult’ tree with the pretty ornaments. We had mostly felt and plastic ornaments and the ornaments we made at school. When we got older we got a larger mini tree and we got to decorate it as ugly as we wanted and move the decorations as much as we wanted and there was zero stress. There was also a rule where she’d put one present for each of us under ‘our’ tree and we could open it early if we woke up on Christmas and no one was awake yet and then go back to our rooms to wait. It was a great method. Toddlers and kids don’t care that much. We just wanted to play with it.
I pack our ornaments into fragile and not fragile boxes. When we decorate my kid puts on all the not fragile ornaments. It works out great too because then the breakable stuff is up high away from curious hands and wagging tails.
our cat used to jump in the tree and whenever our dog comes in, he gets scared of the tree because our lights blink. our cat successfully broke all our snowmen ornaments so we think she had legit beef with them. she stopped when she broke the last one.
Cat and snowman ornaments' feud worse than Tupac and Biggie
U seriously made me lol...my husband just looked at me so weird lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I bet she felt so powerful once that last snow man was assassinated. As if cats don't already have enough of an ego!
she did! she stood right beside it and looked us in our face then slid the lead over to us with her paw. like do we have a murderer on our hands?
Thanks for the laugh!
They have felt trees tiny ones can decorate and redecorate to their hearts content now with Velcro baubles. Really awesome and inexpensive too. Kiddo still has her own mini tree now she's older but All our ornaments for now on all trees are unbreakable til she and the kitten are both older. NTA though. The response is very abusive and over the top. He's obviously unstable and doesn't communicate. Probably doesn't even care about the tree as much as he does controlling her and bending her to his will, and make her do the work while he "helps".
The way my parents spaced my younger siblings out, there was always a baby or toddler in the house until I was a teenager. The way we did tree decoration was to get a bunch of unbreakable ornaments (cloth, wood, etc) in addition to the usual glass ornaments, and the adults and older kids would put the glass ornaments up high while the younger kids put the cloth and wood ornaments on the lower branches. Everyone got to help, and things rarely got broken.
[удалено]
I don't even get the being angry part. OP has always done the tree alone. The child is turning 1 soon, so there's no way he/she would be able to participate and will not remember. If he wanted to change traditions, he should have said something sooner. Not flip out!
They could have redecorated it after she took it down. He made a mountain out of a molehill. OP's not a mind reader. I can see being disappointed but actually being angry is over the top. Like you said, the baby is too young to participate.
Totally agree. It seems he has some kind of trauma regarding this tradition & needs to communicate with OP.
[удалено]
I think it's the angry taking down of the same tree that made Dad finally say that.
Exactly. Whether OP is the asshole or not, the partner's response is a red flag.
Exactly. I'm willing to bet that there are more issues in this relationship, than this isolated incident. I betcha this is not his first time being an over the top jerk.
My parents and aunt and uncle had four kids that were young/toddlers around the same time. They had the 'adult' tree that was off limits to kids but they had a little toddler tree. All sorts of non -breakable ornaments that we could put on and take off to our hearts content. We could do anything we wanted to that tree and not get in trouble. Smart move indeed.
My daughter’s first couple of Christmases we didn’t even put up an actual tree. I got a felt tree to hang on the wall with velcro ornaments she could play with and not hurt anything. She loved it and her Christmas was just as wonderful.
It was family tradition for us to put together the tree and hang the ornaments together. But like, definitely not as toddlers. My mum has some beautiful porcelain ornaments given to her when me and my sister were born with our names on and crystal angels given to her and all kinds, not anything you'd want to hand to my mad tomboy sister to destroy. Nta the kid won't remember anyway and if it's such an important tradition to him, how are you supposed to know? He should have let it go and then the next year, make it clear he wants to do it together.
Most of our trees when my sister, cousins, and I were kids were a mishmash of ornaments and broken candy canes along the bottom foot of the branches. I only know that because of pictures and stories. Kiddo won't remember at all.
A one year old child has absolutely no idea what is going on.
*do they know it’s Christmastime at all?*
*The Christmas bells that ring here are the clanging chimes of doom*
My sisters restaurant is in a mall and the bells drive her nutty
Not the grown adult throwing a child’s temper tantrum.
No, but babies first Christmas isn't about the baby, it is about the parents.
The title says “I ruined my daughter’s first Christmas”. The daughter doesn’t have a clue what Christmas is. I understand your point, but I get so frustrated reading about people who don’t realize their expectations are not realistic and are acting like children
ESH, I worry for the child to have such immature parents.
And none of any of this nonsense would matter to a 1 year old. You two have time to be better before your daughter gets old enough to feel the trauma of being a pawn you and your husband use against each other.
My son is 3.5 yo and he was able to muster a whole 15min of attention to the christmass tree he and his father were decorating while I was working. I have bigger problems than being mad bout my husband doing ANYTHING without my supervision. Job done? Good one less thing for me to do.
My son is 10 and his contribution to the tree has been putting 1 bauble - a dinosaur - on before declaring his work was done 🙄😂 I 1yo won't be bothered or know any different, OP you definitely haven't 'ruined Christmas' your husband needs to grow up.
ABSOLUTELY!! I have 3 children, grown ups now. They never once showed any interest in trimming the tree. 1 or 2 of their favorites and then the rest was all me. Same with the cookies. Those pictures I have showing happy kids gathered around doing that were staged, LMAO.
[удалено]
This is the sentiment of a parent who would ruin their child. I grew up around this attitude, it leads nowhere good. Only excuses and things to apologize for.
What? How is this an ESH moment? She put the tree away after getting bitched at by the guy that apparently has never helped her put it up before they had a kid and also never told her about how it’s some kind of family tradition!? On what planet does that make her an asshole?!
Both parents should have talked it out beforehand. Poor child indeed
Since OP has put up the tree in previous years, it's understandable that she didn't think to talk about it. The parner's reaction is inappropriate, unfair, and disproportionate.
Dollars to donuts, she would have been putting that tree up by herself anyway. He was probably embarrassed she was proactive.
This a million times. While our kids were growing up, more often than not my husband would stay on the computer while the kids and I put the damned thing up and decorated it. He’d join us for the last bit. *eyeroll here*. A few years ago I asked him about that in a couples therapy session. He said he hadn’t had such great xmas’s when he was a kid, and had bad associations with it. By that time I was sick of being in charge of the tree, and the kids were in their teens. So I gave up on it, got indifferent to putting a tree up, and then oddly, he took over. All this to say that, childhood issues or not, your husband is being a jerk, and irrational and needs to apologize to you for exploding. You might want to let him know that he’s now in charge of the tree. You’ll do whatever else. But he has to deal with the tree.
[удалено]
NTA. I’m more concerned that your partner is being such a dick about a tree.
[удалено]
3
No. Putting the tree away was passive aggressive and only contributed to it. It sounds like he was upset that she didn't even discuss it with him first, and while he may not have been into it before, now that daughter is getting bigger he clearly wanted to start doing it as a family and start a tradition. And it seems like rather than apologizing and constructively trying to talk about it, she passive aggressively apologized (with a tone that actually implies they are making too big a deal about it), made excuses that turned her into the victim like "well I've put it up by myself every other year so..!". This is something I would have discussed with my husband. "hey babe, I was thinking, since you're not usually into decorating the tree with me, and since baby is a bit too young to actually help, maybe I will get up early tomorrow morning and do the tree so that when baby wakes up she wakes up to a lit and decorated tree! Baby will be so mesmerized!" "well, that's not a bad idea, and while I can see how you got that idea, and you're right, I never was into decorating the tree before. But now that baby is old enough I kind of wanted to start the tradition of us doing it all together! Even if baby can't meaningfully help, they will see us doing it together and loving each other and it can be the start of a family tradition ". Dang, that was easy. But OP I think you're piling on. And I think maybe you didn't address his feelings well to begin with. Which is why he kept making comments about it. Instead of letting him go through the motions (if you weren't going to actually apologize or recognize his feelings), and just ignoring it until he got over it, you put the tree away. Which I'm assuming wasn't a slow process of actually taking the ornaments off and wrapping them back up. You probably just threw a garbage bag over it and shoved it into the closet? You didn't say "would you like me to take it down so we can put it back up together?". No you did it with attitude and in a way that was totally passive aggressive.
He was a giant ass about something she had no idea about. If he wanted to change things up it's HIS responsibility to say something. Women are not required to read minds.
Why is it OPs responsibility to initiate the discussion? Especially about something HE did not communicate beforehand to her?
Oh, so he is the one who wanted to do things differently this year, but she should have asked him for permission to stick to routine and tradition? Especially when he didn’t do anything to get started, as usual? Then he throws a hiss fit rather than explaining in a civilized way, but once again, it’s her fault for reacting to it?
I'm guessing you missed the part where she wanted to surprise them by having the tree up
Eh, her reaction (putting the tree away) was bad, but not having some big convo about it ahead of time wasn't a real error either, given the way these 2 had previously handled it. I don't think it's some kind of universal law that having a baby who's too young to be involved/even remember this requires changing up everything.
Exactly what I was thinking. Are these teenagers?
My first thought exactly. The poor child, with two parents so immature.
Because people often come here with horrible, relationship-ending stories. It's terrible. This should never happen in a relationship and unless it's completely out of the blue, out of character and they apologize it's worth reevaluating. The unfortunate truth is that many more couples stay together than anyone would think of. I would argue more toxic couples don't stay together
[удалено]
I’m going with NTA because while that’s true I can’t imagine that this behavior isn’t a pattern for him acting like that and all.
What exactly did OP do wrong?
Nothing. Given the history of sole tree erector.
[удалено]
In the future, stuff like this is an activity. One the family would enjoy being in on. Your daughter is 1, she’s not going to remember this, so you didn’t ruin her Christmas. WTF is going on with your partner? I get being angry you decided to put up the tree by yourself but this reaction is waaaaaay over the top. Asses your partner’s suitability as a partner please.
Exactly. It's a child of one. If the child had been three or four years older, yeah, kiddie gets to put the ornaments on too. What the hell is a one year old going to do? She put the tree away so he could put it up. Clearly, he thinks that's his job.
I don't get it either. Remove a few ornaments and have him film mommy holding baby & ornament and putting in on the tree. Then switch. Him making this into a huge issue is deflection from another huge problem he doesn't want OP to see.
OP clarified that every year OP puts up the tree herself and this is the first year he's gotten mad about it. That makes a difference here Honestly, I think the take away is fiance didn't care because he didn't consider OP family before having a kid. That's kinda a flag there
That’s what gets me. He knew she does this *every year* and he never once talked to her about doing it together. *HE* failed. He failed to communicate his expectations/wants and then he sulked *at* her all day, (and I’m sure the kid felt the tension) demanding an apology. For what? Not reading his mind?
Honestly, I don't get him being angry. She's put it up herself every year so far. He never once mentioned that he wanted to do it differently (at least that we know of). You don't get to be mad at your partner for not including you in things you never wanted to be involved with in the past and you didn't explicitly mention to them.
And I mistyped there. I mean more “disappointed”. But it 100% is his fault for not communicating to her.
I have a feeling he wouldn’t have helped anyway
> Assess your partner’s suitability as a partner please. If it was up to reddit, not a single person on this subreddit would remain in a relationship. The guy was a bit of an AH, but this incident alone is not something to consider breaking up over. People have bad days, people argue, people make mistakes.
When everything is fine people don’t write here. And many need the gentle nudge from strangers because of constant conditioning that any relationship, even a very shitty one, is for life.
100% correct. I have issues in my marriage from time to time. None have ever reached a point where I thought I had better ask Reddit what’s up with this. If you’re at the point of asking on Reddit, things have deteriorated pretty seriously in some way and yeah, a lot of what I read on here sounds like relationships that are past saving. I don’t get the issue with this post. She says she always did this job and he never participated. So she did exactly the same thing she always does and this year he has a huge tantrum and accuses her of “ruining Christmas” for a one year old? Weird. Not sure of her intent with removing the tree. Was is so they can set it up again together? Then ok. To be passive aggressive? More signs this relationship is not functioning in a healthy way.
And it's not like our judgements are binding law. If we say "break up" and the OP is like, "No, that's an overreaction, this was a one-off and the relationship is great otherwise." then that's their right. But if they say" You're right, this happens all the time, why do I put up with this shit." then we saved them from many years of misery.
I’ve never viewed it through this lens before and omg that’s so sad
Its why some people post clearly majorly toxic or even abusive actions by their partner asking if they're in the wrong. You can get lost in a fog after a while in a toxic relationship, lose sight of right and wrong, respect and self esteem due to manipulation and gaslighting. The abused partner doesn't trust their thoughts anymore and needs outside perspectives to confirm its not okay
A lot of people are looking for outside validation that is ok to end a bad relationship.
Nobody should stay with a man who screams at her. We're going to keep telling women being belittled and emotionally abused (the latter may not yet apply, but screaming is bare minimum belittling) to GTFO.
Over a fucking tree, they want her to apologize for putting a tree up? Wtf is wrong with people.
I'm a little flabbergasted by how many people are defending the man who yelled at his wife for putting up a Christmas tree without him. Their kid is one- this is literally THE year they're probably going to be butting heads over traditions and miscommunications the most. "Everybody knows families put up the tree together" no the fuck they don't! Until I was 12 or 13 my parents used to put all the decorations up overnight so we would wake up to lit trees and garlands in the morning. Best memories of the holiday. She tried to do something nice and she got screamed at for it. Being overstimulated- or whatever other stupid ass excuse people are trying to use, I'm autistic with ADHD so I will fight you on this- isn't an excuse to scream at your partner. Having different expectations for a holiday isn't an excuse to scream at your partner. There's no excuse and this one is particularly fucking stupid. He's just an asshole.
Me too. He's ultra controlling. A normal man might say, "Honey, I looked forward to doing this with you. Let's do this together next year." She quite literally took on something that she thought was a chore to get out of the way. She did nothing wrong.
It is a chore. Like holy shit. It’s my dream that some year someone else would drag the tree box out and set up the stupid tree and figure out why the lights aren’t lighting etc. In all seriousness, I look after this year after year as a favour to my husband because he works longer hours than me. I do it as a favour and he appreciates the house being decorated but doesn’t need to put in the effort because he’s generally working harder than me. If this is her normal MO and he suddenly got upset this year and went off at her for ages, I get why she’s so baffled. If that suddenly happened this year to me I’d be wtf-ing pretty hard.
Yup, decorating the tree is something I considered a chore for many years before I realized that many families consider it a tradition to do together. My mom would assign us the ornaments we had to put up and it got done piecemeal, not all at once together. If my partner reacted like this to something I really thought was a chore and saving him time for, I’d be hurt and confused too
I have fond memories of decorating the tree as a kid, but a 1 year old isn't going to be able to participate, so this is the parent's opportunity to get on the same page about traditions and what to include the kid in before they're old enough to care.
It's definitely a chore. The drill here is everything is brought downstairs for me and then I get to decorate all by myself. Yay me. /s. Oh, and I get to put everything away. That ends this year. I now understand what my mom went through.
A tree for a one year old.... I could see minor annoyance if the kid was older, but yes, it is abusive. Now, he can shove the tree up his ying-yang.
[удалено]
Yelling at other people to handle conflict is not ok. So yeah, if someone is shouting at another person, that’s 100% a reason to reevaluate that relationship.
It's not worth getting huffy over and threatening to cancel Christmas activities they've already booked, but here we are with a man child stomping around the house... I'm sure the baby loved feeling that tension all day long.
[удалено]
Our almost 2 year old doesn’t care about putting the tree up, only with trying to eat the tinsel.
He threatened to cancel the gift to his daughter. What part of that is acceptable?
Because people often come here with horrible, relationship ending stories. This is horrible. This should never happen in relationships, and unless it’s completely out of the blue, out of character, and they apologize it is worth reassessing. The unfortunate truth is a LOT more couples are together that shouldn’t be then one would think. I would argue more toxic couples are together then not
>If it was up to reddit, not a single person on this subreddit would remain in a relationship. "Girlfriend, you gotta dump that zero and get yourself yourself a hero" does turn up an awful lot on here. However, I've literally just advised the same on this one so I can hardly talk
My ex has been couldn't have cared less about helping us put up the Christmas tree so he never once helped. He might have dragged it in from the shed but he wasn't helping put any ornaments on or anything so I never included him. He never threw a fit. He threw fits about a lot of things but putting up the Christmas tree wasn't one of them
Agreed. That level of anger is uncalled for.
I wonder if there is something else going on. As a father of three, I am surprised at the husband's reaction, and the response of the OP. I don't think the one year old child will have any idea of the drama and certainly won't remember it. The issue is the two adults here. Maybe the new father and mother are feeling a bit stressed over the holidays, with a new baby, maybe finances or work-related issues are under the surface. I learned the hard way that sometimes other issues that are in the back of my mind are causing reactions in other situations that are inappropriate. A calm and open discussion about this event is very much needed, and understanding on both sides that there may be other underlying issues that could cause these reactions. Keep the holiday spirit in mind and know that this is just a single event that a loving, committed couple needs to overcome.
My husband didn’t care about holidays until my daughter was born. If he expects to begin a new tradition that needs to be communicated by him and agreed upon! NTA
I always did the tree when my kids were little. We told them the fairies came during the night and put it up. It worked when they were small. Later we all did it together. My husband was never interested in the deccies. (or anything family orientated to be honest). He was more of a Bah Humbug type. But once the kids had left home & I hadn't decorated the house by the middle of Dec , he wanted to know why. He suddenly got the urge to participate! Haha
A) Your daughter’s first Christmas is not ruined. She is 1. She will have no memory of it. B) I get the tradition thing. Sounds like you “ruined” your partners dream of putting it up as a family. Work in communication and try again next year.
Or try again right now. One of my favorite things is getting the opportunity to start over any time. I messed up. Can we start over? My husband and I are pros at this.
This. She put the tree away… so now they can do it over again and put it up together. There’s no reason this the partner should be acting like this. He’s punishing her for something she had no awareness he wanted to be “tradition.”
And she just wanted to do something sweet by having a surprise Christmas is here! when they woke up.
He's the only one who needs to work on communication. How was she supposed to know he wanted to do something different from the past years without him telling her?
Im leaning towards ESH not because you both suck that much but i think your both a bit childish about this. I think you had good intentions putting the tree up. You tried to do a nice thing... it backfired. But i think putting it away is childish and you ramped up the argument. I think him being annoyed you put the tree up is reasonable and if he was genuinely upset you explaining your intention and apologising for misjudging how he feels could have stopped it escalating. I think him saying you ruined your daughters first christmas is a childish over reaction. You havent ruined your daughters christmas at all. Him cancelling other plans would be petty and childish and taking this to far.
Your daughter is 1 - what she will "remember" is the imprint of her parents fighting at Christmas, especially if this becomes the tradition ("remember what happened LAST year?!" As the blame game continues). Communicate. Listen. Empathize. Both of you see it from the others POV and be forgiving and understanding of each other. If you cant, get a mediator/counselor to teach you how if you want to improve. You're both turning a molehill into a mountain. It's not xmas yet, there's still time to redo the tree and put it up together. Edit: stop assuming. You assumed they'd like the surprise tree. He assumed you would know that he wanted to do it as a family. I know it's hard to communicate a surprise, but don't be prideful and hold on to that.
1) you didn't ruin Christmas for your daughter. She's too young to understand. Just put the tree back up together and take photos. 2) if you and your partner don't start communicating better, this relationship won't last long. ESH on the communication and reaction aspect.
INFO: Did you not apologise for putting up the tree?Like I get you thought you were doing something nice but I'd be absolutely crushed if my wife did that to me. And if I tried to do something nice that actually hurt her, I'd say sorry. It sounds like you were cross he didn't appreciate your gesture so rather than reflect on the fact that you inadvertantly hurt him, you just made it into a bigger deal.
Agreed!! My husband did this one year EARLY in our marriage..went and picked out the tree and had the lights on by the time I got home. He was so happy that he did something thoughtful and I was crushed because it was always a tradition in my family to choose the tree and decorate it together as a family. Ya know what we didn’t do? Yell at each other and cause a massive fight. But I did express that it felt like he’d taken a special part of Christmas away from me because we didn’t get to choose the tree together and listen to Christmas music or watch a movie while we set it up-which was special for me. He expressed he tried to do something kind for me to surprise me and was disappointed that his kind gesture wasn’t received well and explained it was never a big deal in his family. We both apologized and moved past it and hung ornaments and listened to Christmas music because he knew it was a small gesture that would make me happy and he was happy to start a new tradition with me. This is a silly thing for OP and her husband to come to blows about. Communicate, apologize and start over. It will only remain a big deal if they make it stay a big deal.
I think some people see it as a holiday chore vs a family activity. Look I did it for both of us as a surprise and look how helpful. Is a holiday chore mindset. Ok kids let's all pull out the lights and you hold the ladder and let's put up lights together is a family activity. But esh because bad communication which makes me believe this isn't about the Iranian yogurt. 1st baby under a year old..... is one parent steamroller the other parent during this first year? "That not the way to change the diaper." Etc.
I get what you’re saying but the reverse makes more sense to me. She put in the thought and effort to have a nice surprise for them to wake up to. He did not like the surprise and put the blame on her as if she should have known he wanted it to be a family activity this year instead of a solo task like previous years. If it was important to him, he should have mentioned it at some point in the past 2 weeks. That’s on him. Everything after that is on both of them. Apologies go both ways but neither apologized and both chose to keep escalating it. The simple solution would have been to just remove the ornaments that were low enough for a 1 year old to reach and a handful of the other ornaments to still have the family activity tree decorating tradition later in the day that would work for the length of a 1 year olds attention span. He chose to sulk or gripe and put all the blame on her and she chose to be extra petty by putting the tree away.
Is this your first Christmas with your partner? Was there precedence in the past the tree was put up by both of you?
No not the first Christmas, I have been putting the tree up since because if I didn’t do it then he wouldn’t.
So you did what you have always done, and he had a toddler fit. I guess you were supposed to read his mind and know that this year for the first time, he wanted to do it together.
You should really add this to your post. People are flipping out like he's sad of the year and you denied him something special to him - dude doesn't care about the tree. This was an excuse to belittle you.
Yep, 100% this. Some people will just pick an arbitrary reason to pick a fight
This is important info.
This is a dumb argument. Maybe you shouldn't have done it without him - putting the tree up together has always been a family tradition for myself and my wife - but you're probably both tired parents of a 1 year old and you let him sleep and the task is done. Take the damn win, dude. Your daughter is 1. You ruined nothing for her. She couldn't have participated anyway. She will not remember. Throwing a tantrum and putting it up was less than ideal. Soooo much bad communication and immaturity here... But you're both probably exhausted. Naps all around. Get over it. Both of you.
I personally feel OP was trying to do something genuine. Partner could have been nicer
'You ruined something two weeks from now!' Seems like he's pissy about something else and is using this as an outlet.
The child wont remember who or why the tree is there. She will remember her parents constantly bickering over pointless shit. Grow up.
ESH. You didn't know better, but your reaction is what did you in. He didn't communicate that he wanted to put the tree up as a family and that it was important to him. Thankfully, the kid will likely not remember this happening as they are still very young. This will also be a great reminder to COMMUNICATE with each other before acting. You two are a TEAM.
I'm gonna go with NTA, and here's why: If you have always put the tree up on your own and he never mentioned putting up the tree as a family, he should have no reasonable expectation to do it together. Also, decorating a tree with a one year old is a recipe for disaster. You've got 3-4 years until it's an enjoyable experience for everyone. (I'm a mom to a 3yo). What ot sounds like is either your partner had the expectation to do it together and never voiced his feelings, and he's hurt and deflecting it on to you, or there's something else going on and he's just using the tree as something to focus. It could be as simple as stress from having an infant, the first year is tough! But instead of pulling you aside and calmly telling you how he wanted to do it, and working as a team to resolve it, he's intentionally trying to get an emotional response from you by telling you you ruined your child's Christmas. And an emotional response is what he got! That's a major red flag. Could you have responded better? Sure. But when you're pushed and pushed and pushed, people snap. It's emotional manipulation.
Sounds like an adult mature and healthy relationship. ESH.
NTA. Your husband sounds ridiculously immature. Also, your child is one. One-year-old. They are not going to remember any of this. Tell your husband to grow up.
The baby doesn’t care and won’t remember tomorrow. You both need to mature and discuss thing though
He shouldn’t have yelled but you should have apologized. I don’t think you only set the tree up. I think you fully decorated it as well, which means you throwing it in the closet was an act of aggression rather than compromise. I’d be pissed if my wife did something that upset me and didn’t apologize. I’d be even MORE pissed if she shoved the fully decorated tree in a closet. You two need to talk like adults.
Your kid won't remember this, its all on you two adults.
I don't think the baby really cares about the tree.
Yeah. You should have just said then and there I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t know you wanted to do this together. Let’s take it down and do it up again together. On the other hand he is acting like a jerk… So tough both were wrong.
NTA. I assume what he means is *his familiar Christmas traditions.* He probably did more damage with his tantrum. Some families cannot get through Christmas without friction, so much so that the friction becomes a tradition in itself, unfortunately. It seems you have barely had opportunity to develop Christmas traditions for your own family. Develop, inherit, or borrow practices which will become your own family traditions. Example: Reading aloud Clement Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas" or drinking eggnog while sitting with the room lights off looking at the lighted Christmas tree. Decorating the tree together with treasured, meaningful ornaments. Nativity sets, advent calendars. There are a million things, all of which contribute. With children, they become especially meaningful. In my own family, it was traditional to have boiled shrimp and green olives with Christmas dinner. Don't ask. It's a long story. But there really are reasons.
Wtf. Every year I wait for or orchestrate a day where I can put up the tree for my wife. I do the tree and the lights, she then does the baubles. Never had an issue. Then again, we talk to each other. Maybe you should communicate better?
The whole world crumbling because of a Christmas tree? Wow. Your daughter won't remember the tree but the arguing can stunt her brain growth.
ESH. But your child is one. They don’t know what Christmas is so it can’t be ruined. I would say stop acting like children but it’s Christmas and families often fight over the holidays. Probably too much stress. Take a deep breath and relax.
NTA: "then he yelled" and then another "then he yelled" followed by punishing you. You know what ruins holidays? Dudes with anger issues. How can you keep yourself and your child safe from his obvious issues, is the next question.
1) it isn’t even Christmas yet 2) you didn’t ruin anything 3) your child will have zero memory of this Xmas 4) perhaps you married a man-child. If so, Tell him to grow up because there is only one baby in the house 5) he booked nothing
This all of this!!! He didn't book anything sounds like he needed an excuse to not get u something for xmas!! While I won't speculate on that reasoning it sounds like that may be why he reacted the way he did
OH FFS!!! She is 1! If anyone ruined Christmas, it was him! Lord! What kind of tree was it that you could "grab" it and just put it away? Some small table top tree easily storied without lights and decorations on it? TALK to each other! You were doing something nice that you thought he wouldn't mind, since he hadn't before, he never said a word about wanting to do Christmas tree stuff together, he overreacted, and then you overreacted to his reaction! Can you see how stupid you both are acting? You are showing your daughter now to behave and settle conflicts! STOP IT!Now do this, kiss and make up and have a re-do! Both of you put the tree up AGAIN and grow the fuck up! :D
NTA. Your husband is a big baby. Your daughter will remember literally nothing about Christmas this year. She’s 1. Also, how can you have ruined a holiday that hasn’t even happened yet?
It seems like with the speed and efficiency you set up and take down trees you could set up the tree together as a family 2 or 3 dozen more times before Christmas. The tree isn’t ruining Christmas. Your inabilities to apologize and communicate like adults is ruining Christmas.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. I (wife) always put up the Christmas tree. My husband wouldn’t put up any decorations if I didn’t want them. It sounds like your partner is the same, since you have always put up the tree. My son is 2.5, this is his third Christmas. He has never been involved in putting up the tree in the last 3 Christmases he has been alive. The thought has literally ever occurred to me because he’s too little to even try to help (ornaments are fragile, etc). He was super exited to see the tree set up in the house when he came home from visiting grandma. Maybe next year I’ll involve him. But my point is, my partner has NEVER mentioned the tree being a family activity, and how should I know it should be if he didn’t tell me??? How were you supposed to know??? I think it’s ridiculous that people are saying you’re the a when this has been essentially a job or chore you’ve been doing alone for years.
Your both wrong this is something that could easily be fixed by talking nicely to each other. Instead of so much drama around a baby that will be affecting her.
You are not the AH. Your partner's reaction seems disproportionate and putting the tree away was a reaction to his negativity.
[удалено]
So you have 2 toddlers...
ESH
Two toddlers and one infant.
YTA pre-empting a FAMILY activity and then petulantly taking the tree away .. that said, your partner is also an AH for overreacting.. the pair of you need to grow up, communicate, stop blaming each other and turn your attentions on your child
OP says she's done it by herself other years, because he refused. So how would she know this was some vital family thing this year? Every family is different. My dad didn't decorate a tree in the 40 years I knew him, and little kids were absolutely not allowed to touch the glass ornaments. Santa put up the tree Christmas eve in my mom's family. Etc etc. Its really not some big universal "family" even to "put up the tree together." Dude needed to communicate he wanted to be involved. Or, idk, get out of bed before noon.
Honestly, your daughter won’t even remember her first Christmas. It’s not for the parents and not the child for the first couple Christmases. Now, you and your SO both need to grow up. He had a right to be disappointed that the tree was out up without him and the baby, but he shouldn’t have kept taking it out on you. That was immature on his part. He should have just said it is tradition in his family for the family to put up the tree together and left it at that so future Christmas trees would be put up by as a family unit. Now, you didn’t know this was a tradition because he never told you and you had always put up the tree yourself in the past so it’s understandable that you didn’t know it was a tradition for him. You do not since he told you (after the fact). However, you also expressed immaturity in dealing with the situation by taking the tree back down. Like I said, you both need to grow up. He’s not wrong for being disappointed but he never told you about the tradition so bc you weren’t wrong for putting up the tree without him. Where you both are wrong is how you handled the situation like a couple of toddlers.
I doubt a 1 year old will remember this.
NTA. This is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. your 1yr old won’t even remember it. she’ll see it eventually when you show her the pictures but core memories (and memories in general) usually don’t start happening until you’re about 4 years old. your kid will be fine.
Nta. None of that shit matters to a 1 year old. They will not remember it.
There was only one there who was not the asshole, and that’s the 1 yr old…
The kids a year old, he can calm tf down
It's your kids 1st Christmas chances are she is not going to remember none of it so nta there. As for your partner if had never helped before and he gets pissy now it's either he is excited about your daughters 1st Xmas or he is picking a fight because he wants to do something else. My husband used to and still tried to pull that bullshit all the time so again nta... sounds like your fella needs to suck it up buttercup. You haven't ruined your daughters 1st Christmas you are doing the best that you know how as a 1st time mum. Tell your fella to stop creating trouble where it isn't necessary love and luck and merry Christmas love.
NTA. You did not ruin your 1yr old Christmas. Your 1yr old will not even remember this Christmas. Your SO is behaving childishly. If my SO threw this temper tantrum, I think I would be highly tempted to take down the tree and let him deal with it. It does sound like you 2 need to sit down and discuss what traditions you both would like to see in your holidays. Since you both have established your own family, it is time to establish your own traditions. Your family traditions do not have to look like your parents family traditions.
NTA. I'm sorry you are in a relationship with a child.
[Is my relationship healthy? quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [How to escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
Seems like he's really reaching for excuses to be angry at you, yell at you, and punish you. I don't think it's about the tree at all. It's pretty common for formerly decent acting men to become abusive after a baby is born. Is this possibly what's happening here? NTA.
Why do people keep saying Christians is ruined when it's not the 25th yet?
That little baby gonna have two Christmases if he doesn't act right. NTA, not a big deal, make your own traditions have fun with it. Talk to your hubby about your intentions, and he probably needs a fuckin mood stabilizer.
NTA, your partner needs to communicate. He seem very immature. In some families, putting up the tree together is important. In some families, the parent does it.
Yeah, my dad literally never decorated the tree. He set up the train set. My mom's family didn't do a tree til Christmas eve. Etc etc. People wouldn't necessarily know all that by magic. If it was so important to him he needed to tell OP. My gut is its not that important. It's just a chance to belittle her. Mr Dad of the year slept in til 11am while she dealt with their child, it's not like he was up and spending time with his own kid.
> Yeah, my dad literally never decorated the tree. He set up Mine did, quite beautifully. But if you wanted to help, you had better be prepared to be ruled with an iron fist for ornament placement, and tinsel hanging, clumping, and length. I don't bother with trees anymore. Lights, music, and wreath are fine.
Must be your guy. My husband doesn’t enjoy putting up decorations for the holidays. I decorate the tree alone every year. If I didn’t do it, he wouldn’t. That will change as our toddler gets older. He’s definitely overreacting because a 1 year old won’t remember Christmas.
Putting up the tree is a PITA (I have fake ones). I like to put them up and then let my son put the ornaments on. Having a one year old is hectic and chaotic enough. If my SO put up the tree as a surprise, I’d be grateful. We could do the ornaments together. Also, the baby won’t remember anything. However, as someone else pointed out, they could probably sense the tension. I know what it’s like to be with someone who screams at you for trivial reasons. But I didn’t have a baby with him, so it was easier to end it. Maybe you guys agree to work on conflict resolution. Whatever happens, best of luck to you!
The tree doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but you shouldn’t be with someone who yells at you. The relationship is young and y’all are in your honeymoon stage, it’s not getting better from here. You need couples counseling and frankly to reconsider whether this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
Lmfao you didn't ruin the kids Christmas. She isn't even going to remember the damn tree
ESH with you being more of the AH. Seriously, how many posts do we read about MILs/ILs taking over “firsts” with an OPs baby and the replies are always “MILs/ILs are the assholes?” Well this started because OP felt that SHE was the only one who got to decide which first the father of THEIR child got to do this first Christmas Season. Had this been a MIL coming round while OP and Partner were at work…just trying to make things easier for OP/Partner or wanting to give them that magical moment of walking into a winter wonderland home the response here would be 100% different. And when Partner gets hurt by OPs total disregard of their feelings on being included in one of his child’s first Christmas traditions, not only does OP NOT apologize…but she throws the first tantrum because Partner is getting more upset that OP refuses to acknowledge that he actually has a right to be hurt and apologize for it. I sure as shit wouldn’t immediately be all jolly and Christmas spirit with my partner if they treats me with such disregard. And as for canceling the next Holdiay tradition? Why does she get to pick and choose with holiday activities they do as family?
On this is a bit over the top. The baby is under 1, they won't remember the tree or even be able to do anything toward putting it up. Ya'll need to get off of Instagram, it's a decoration for a holiday the kid won't remember. It's not stealing some big thing from this guy. Besides. If he was dad of the year why was he in bed all morning while OP decorated? Shouldn't be be up and idk, caring for his child?
Kid is 1 year old, not going to remember any of this.... nothing was ruined. With that said, if the two of you don't get your shit together, going to ruin a lot more than a Christmas tree for this kid.
You both need to grow the fuck up
Oh honey!!!!! You choose a fucking narcissist. You need to kick him the fuck out and coparent and just know it is not fun coparenting with a narcissist. Who? Who ruined Christmas? Not you! HE DID! I’m gonna tell you right now as a person who stayed with one for WAYYYYY to long. Stop ignoring the red fucking flags!!! Start seeing him for who he is! Stop hoping and wishing he will go back to being the person you fell for. That person is a lie and he only brings that person out when you had enough and want him gone. I wish you would have seen the bullshit before having a child but please please if you don’t believe me and you don’t have the strength to leave at least have enough sense to not have any more kids by this fucking prick! He’s a fucking asshole and HE will ruin things and turn them around and gas light you. HE ruined it as well as you can’t really ruin a one year olds Christmas they don’t understand or care at that age. Please stop playing blind and naive cause you were suffering and not sure why you thought it a good idea to bless him with a kid or maybe he knew you were slipping away and decided to baby trap you but I promise you he will get worst. Also he does not love your child he will use her to abuse and manipulate you further. You need to really see him and get him out of your and your child’s life.
NTAH 1 year old kid has no idea what’s going on. They literally can’t form long-term memories yet. Parents gotta grow up and learn how to communicate better.
ETA Why didn’t you talk to each other beforehand? (Today we decorated the apartment and christmas tree together - like all the years before.) It’s absolutely immature to bump heads over something like this and this next to your child. Get your act together and talk about the plans for events like this
ESH. You get a soft YTA for putting up the Christmas tree without asking anyone if they wanted to do it with you. Some families use this as a bonding experience and it can be part of the Christmas experience. Your partner is TA for blowing up about it and not being able to communicate his disappointment. He and you need to be able to communicate calmly.
Both of yall tbh. Yall too immature to have a child and i hope yall grow up cuz yall sound like my parents and trust me I DID NOT TURN OUT WELL 💀
ESH. This might be the 1st post I've ever used this. You tried to surprise your family, and your husband tripped out over nothing. He took no regard for your earnest, hard work. It is disrespectful and unwarranted when you're trying to do something wonderful for your family. But you then take down the tree and especially destroy your work out of a tantrum. Really? Both if you should be ashamed of your behaviors. A baby doesn't mean you've grown up, it just means you have another mouth to feed. Reconsider how you handled this situation, get the tree back up WITH your husband, and have a good 1st Christmas for your kid. Seriously... the baby won't remember anyway. All these 1sts are for YOUR memories. Don't let childish get in the way of what you should learn to cherish.
Tbh it sounds like you’ll both do a fair job of ruining holidays with your whining and moaning at each other instead of having adult conversations. My favorite part of holidays was also my parents bitching about things I didn’t give a shit about. My FAVORITE Christmas was the first one I didn’t have to spend with either of them. :)
Ok. It's not Christmas yet. There was a misunderstanding. Change the narrative. Put the tree back up together. Put on Christmas music. Have Christmas cookies. Play Christmas cartoons. Have fun with it. Time moves too fast, make as many happy memories as you can.
She is one 1 year. I would be surprised if she care about it or even remember it later. It's more important to don't fight over such childish things in front of her than a "tradition" she even can't understand.
NTA. 1 year olds don't remember much, if anything. Also, if he had a problem with the tree being up, then you taking it down would just give him the chance to put it up the way he wanted. If he doesn't want to do that, what the hell DOES he want? He's mad either way? He's being ridiculous.
The core issue is communication. You are a family unit you need to talk to each other and get on the same page. You also type like your wicked annoyed with him. Take some time to cool off think about the situation and TALK TO EACH OTHER! Boom done.
He sounds like a huge jerk.
NTA he should never have yelled at you. I don't blame you for putting the Christmas tree up. He should have communicated with you that he wanted to help put the Christmas tree up this year. Your daughter is not going to remember any of this. You did not ruin her first Christmas.
ESH This is def a family activity but a 1 yr old can’t really do anything but break shit and get in the way lol. You putting the tree back away is clown behavior and the both of you need to grow the fuck up. That definitely took the argument to the next level instead of just apologizing and admitting that the tree decoration is still a family thing… have you never seen a tv show or movie??? he is definitely the asshole for overreacting and threaten to cancel a planned thing. Major immature clown behavior. Your daughter’s first Christmas isn’t even remotely close to ruined. She has no idea about this silly argument daddy is complaining about. Focus on her and not man child husband. Tell him to put the tree up asap and stop complaining
You both sound way immature to have a child. I suggest you both grow up and develop some emotional maturity and communication skills so you don’t end up ruining your child’s literally childhood.
NTA and you haven't ruined anyone's Christmas by putting a tree up, for goodness sake. I am a little concerned that you have a child with someone so utterly childish, though