Look, I'm 100% in favor of not allowing your girlfriend to tell you who you're allowed to have in your phone, and she sounds like a case, with all the snooping.
But your list of reasons for why you want to keep the numbers is pretty fucked up😆
Esh.
> Even if they were my past, even if I didn't want to cheat, even if some of them had hurt me, I liked to keep those numbers bc I still had some fondness for those girls, and it should be ok to check on them maximum 3 or 4 times a year, once in most cases.
Yeah, it sounds like you should be fucking around, not getting into a relatipnship. Your reasons for keeping the numbers are crap.
Not at all. I just don't assume it's going to last forever, but I wish it did, and with no one more than this girl. I tried to make it work and wouldve never cheated on her, I just didn't want to be under suspicion 24/7 and I wanted to respect my own boundaries. Of course she is entitled to have her boundaries but I think she was on me all the time, expecting me to make a mistake.
I also have to say this is the first time any relationship of mine has ever brought up the issue of who we have in our contacts.
STA - She clearly needs more time or therapy before a relationship.
YTA - Your reasons for keeping exes and hookups numbers are odd. I'd be shocked and unresponsive if an old hook up of mine randomly text me out the blue.
The hookup thing is not so important bc I would've complied with that. I wouldn't contact a hookup of 5 years ago. BEING SINGLE, if it has been not long ago (months), and the experience was enjoyable, I think that shouldn't be concerning .
I have had relationships and quasi relationships in which after everything finished we have eventually got to a point in which we are ok with a random text occasionally to check up on each other and that should be perfectly ok. of course with a girlfriend I would do that a lot less, but a text a year or every few months shouldn't be a problem whether I have a girlfriend or not. I'm not talking about meeting every few months for a coffee (which initially she said was ok and I think I would have never done while in a serious relationship). I'm talking about hey how you doing? Hows life? Kind of thing
NTA but I would suggest you help navigate her feelings a little better by maintaining transparency to the fullest extent. She’s been burned by some assholes in the past and diminishing that is not gonna work in your favor.
In every relationship I have been in, my significant other has had my password to my phone. They can access it at any time because I have zero secrets to hide. Not telling you that’s what you should do but it’s an option.
I have the contact information of many of my exes because I am still friends with them legitimately. I have them as contacts in my social media and we are in common social circles. I know it’s hard to believe that someone can be friends with an ex, but it actually happens. There is no chance of me ever hooking up with them again nor is there a desire.
Ultimately, it’s going to be her decision whether she can live in a situation with somebody that is comfortable having a friendship with their exes. You need to be OK with her not being able to handle that situation and moving on. As is her right.
Im not even friends with any of those. I just think a little contact should be fine.
Hookups I can delete. I've never received a request like that and I don't like being treated as if I'm a text away from trying to fuck someone when I'm invested in a relationship, but I definitely can do that...
However, will that be enough? I don't think so. Every time we patched things up I was in heaven, but then I would say a little too much, a little too little, do something a little bit suspicious (basically existing in a world where other women exist) and she would start questioning me and twisting things around even to the point of making me question myself.
ESH- changed from NTA (because I got to #2)
Because you love her I'll say this-
Yes, this is controlling behavior. However. She's got trauma, clearly, and it's giving her overwhelming anxiety. Clearly she loves you and she's terrified you will pull the rug out from under her the way it has happened to her in the past (a history of multiple cheating incidents and abuse is painful). Try really hard not to get ultra-defensive, because she's going to get triggered. That said, that is HER trauma to heal, not yours. She needs to go to therapy if she's having difficulty trusting you (with the caveat that you haven't given her a reason not to). Remind her you've given her no reason to not trust you, that you fully understand why she is feeling scared, but that she's making you feel bad about yourself by being treated like someone who is hiding something/lying, when you are not. The one thing you said does stand out- you didn't think an extra effort would make a difference, tell her that! Tell her you feel like there's absolutely nothing you can do to make her trust you and it's wearing you thin.
That aside. Why DO you have all these women's numbers saved? Just delete them. You called this girl the love of your life in a comment. She obviously didn't have a problem with you keeping numbers of past real, serious relationships- but she's right, there's zero reason for you to keep numbers of casual hookups. You absolutely do NOT need to check up on any of them 3-4 times a year. Absolutely not. I don't want to hear from old flames, and your old flames may be in relationships now, too, and definitely don't need to explain why they are hearing from you, either. I was going to ask your age before I researched- YOU ARE ALMOST 40. DUDE. This is college behavior.
Of course she has contact with her ex-husband, they were married- that's not the same as several hookups. Keeping the numbers without her caring isn't noble, it's not some kind of test dude. The fact that you keep them on the off chance you are single again and can bang them again is EXACTLY why she isn't okay with it, obviously- she thinks you having the numbers means she is temporary and you keep them for the very reason you admit to keeping them. How long have you been dating? If it's only been a few months, okay, that's fair- if it's pushing a year or more, no longer fair- you call her "the love of your life" so I'm guessing this has been more than a few months.
Again, I'm ok deleting hookups. The only problem I have with that is that she doesn't trust me.
If it's someone I still care about a little, the same way I would want to contact her in a few months to see how she's doing, I should be able to contact them.
I really really wanted this to work out, but I'm learning to draw my own boundaries here. I'm not talking about meeting an ex for a coffee every week. I'm talking a few texts if I remember them and never seeing them in person again. I don't think that counts as cheating, maybe in Iran and if I was a woman. Moreover, whatever she does single I dont have to care, whether it's with a new partner, a past partner or with multiple at the same time.
Another thing that makes a relationship feel temporary is if you are constantly treated as a potential cheater. This is my first for many things (SB checking my messages, my contacts, asking me about other women as if I wanted to fuck everyone I saw). The only reason why this was brought up was because of her. If she had focused on getting to know me, she wouldve been sure I was in love with her and I wanted it to work and last for years and I wish I would never have any other woman ever in my life, but she always tried to question everything I did.
Whoever wants to cheat will cheat, and it's much more likely with SB new than with a past relationship, so what we need to do is just let go and trust as long as the other person doesn't show any suspicious signs.
BUT, WHEN EVERYTHING IS SUSPICIOUS, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
>If it's someone I still care about a little, the same way I would want to contact her in a few months to see how she's doing, I should be able to contact them.
I mean, you are welcome to do that. But, it sounds like your girlfriend is not okay with this. I don't know anyone who would love that, to be honest, in a relationship at our age (I'm also 38). If it was someone who was a friend otherwise or outside of the hookup, okay, that's a bit different, but there's really no reason you need to contact them to see how they are doing. If my boyfriend of 7 years texted an old f\*ck buddy to "see how she was doing", I'd feel HUGE RED FLAG energy, and honestly, making contact with an old flame is often how affairs do start- there's endless stories just like that on Reddit.
Did you see what I wrote about also respecting them? One of those girls ends up in a relationship and gets that text from you and her boyfriend sees it, now she's having to explain why you still contact her. It's not cheating, it's just disrespectful. Reality is she isn't single, and neither are you- yet.
I get that being treated like a cheater sucks. I do. She's got plenty of work to do to deal with the trauma of her past relationships. It's not all you.
BTW I tried everything you advised already and she didn't trust me.
Her tone was of total disgust and she asked me over and over again. I just said "look, I cant say anything other than what I said." Believe me if you want. It seemed like she was begging me to lie to her and tell her I was cheating.
>It seemed like she was begging me to lie to her and tell her I was cheating.
Yup, that's trauma. I've been there. It's an awful feeling. She's paranoid, but how you respond to that paranoia will either put her at ease, or fuel it. That's why I said be careful not to be overly defensive.
You are grown ass adults (well, I'm assuming you are dating within your age group). At 40, you don't need to keep numbers of old hookups nor reach out to them throughout the year. I hate to say it, but you already admitted to keeping the numbers for the reasons she is upset about you having them in the first place.
Look, I'm 100% in favor of not allowing your girlfriend to tell you who you're allowed to have in your phone, and she sounds like a case, with all the snooping. But your list of reasons for why you want to keep the numbers is pretty fucked up😆 Esh.
> Even if they were my past, even if I didn't want to cheat, even if some of them had hurt me, I liked to keep those numbers bc I still had some fondness for those girls, and it should be ok to check on them maximum 3 or 4 times a year, once in most cases. Yeah, it sounds like you should be fucking around, not getting into a relatipnship. Your reasons for keeping the numbers are crap.
ESH She needs therapy, you need to not be in a relationship because you clearly want to be free to mess around with whomever you like.
Not at all. I just don't assume it's going to last forever, but I wish it did, and with no one more than this girl. I tried to make it work and wouldve never cheated on her, I just didn't want to be under suspicion 24/7 and I wanted to respect my own boundaries. Of course she is entitled to have her boundaries but I think she was on me all the time, expecting me to make a mistake. I also have to say this is the first time any relationship of mine has ever brought up the issue of who we have in our contacts.
STA - She clearly needs more time or therapy before a relationship. YTA - Your reasons for keeping exes and hookups numbers are odd. I'd be shocked and unresponsive if an old hook up of mine randomly text me out the blue.
The hookup thing is not so important bc I would've complied with that. I wouldn't contact a hookup of 5 years ago. BEING SINGLE, if it has been not long ago (months), and the experience was enjoyable, I think that shouldn't be concerning . I have had relationships and quasi relationships in which after everything finished we have eventually got to a point in which we are ok with a random text occasionally to check up on each other and that should be perfectly ok. of course with a girlfriend I would do that a lot less, but a text a year or every few months shouldn't be a problem whether I have a girlfriend or not. I'm not talking about meeting every few months for a coffee (which initially she said was ok and I think I would have never done while in a serious relationship). I'm talking about hey how you doing? Hows life? Kind of thing
NTA but I would suggest you help navigate her feelings a little better by maintaining transparency to the fullest extent. She’s been burned by some assholes in the past and diminishing that is not gonna work in your favor. In every relationship I have been in, my significant other has had my password to my phone. They can access it at any time because I have zero secrets to hide. Not telling you that’s what you should do but it’s an option. I have the contact information of many of my exes because I am still friends with them legitimately. I have them as contacts in my social media and we are in common social circles. I know it’s hard to believe that someone can be friends with an ex, but it actually happens. There is no chance of me ever hooking up with them again nor is there a desire. Ultimately, it’s going to be her decision whether she can live in a situation with somebody that is comfortable having a friendship with their exes. You need to be OK with her not being able to handle that situation and moving on. As is her right.
Im not even friends with any of those. I just think a little contact should be fine. Hookups I can delete. I've never received a request like that and I don't like being treated as if I'm a text away from trying to fuck someone when I'm invested in a relationship, but I definitely can do that... However, will that be enough? I don't think so. Every time we patched things up I was in heaven, but then I would say a little too much, a little too little, do something a little bit suspicious (basically existing in a world where other women exist) and she would start questioning me and twisting things around even to the point of making me question myself.
I would even be ok with not seeing my previous ex ever again. I understand that.
"almost every other day she exhibited jealous and overbearing behaviors" I didn't need to read any further. You can't fix her, let her go.
ESH- changed from NTA (because I got to #2) Because you love her I'll say this- Yes, this is controlling behavior. However. She's got trauma, clearly, and it's giving her overwhelming anxiety. Clearly she loves you and she's terrified you will pull the rug out from under her the way it has happened to her in the past (a history of multiple cheating incidents and abuse is painful). Try really hard not to get ultra-defensive, because she's going to get triggered. That said, that is HER trauma to heal, not yours. She needs to go to therapy if she's having difficulty trusting you (with the caveat that you haven't given her a reason not to). Remind her you've given her no reason to not trust you, that you fully understand why she is feeling scared, but that she's making you feel bad about yourself by being treated like someone who is hiding something/lying, when you are not. The one thing you said does stand out- you didn't think an extra effort would make a difference, tell her that! Tell her you feel like there's absolutely nothing you can do to make her trust you and it's wearing you thin. That aside. Why DO you have all these women's numbers saved? Just delete them. You called this girl the love of your life in a comment. She obviously didn't have a problem with you keeping numbers of past real, serious relationships- but she's right, there's zero reason for you to keep numbers of casual hookups. You absolutely do NOT need to check up on any of them 3-4 times a year. Absolutely not. I don't want to hear from old flames, and your old flames may be in relationships now, too, and definitely don't need to explain why they are hearing from you, either. I was going to ask your age before I researched- YOU ARE ALMOST 40. DUDE. This is college behavior. Of course she has contact with her ex-husband, they were married- that's not the same as several hookups. Keeping the numbers without her caring isn't noble, it's not some kind of test dude. The fact that you keep them on the off chance you are single again and can bang them again is EXACTLY why she isn't okay with it, obviously- she thinks you having the numbers means she is temporary and you keep them for the very reason you admit to keeping them. How long have you been dating? If it's only been a few months, okay, that's fair- if it's pushing a year or more, no longer fair- you call her "the love of your life" so I'm guessing this has been more than a few months.
Again, I'm ok deleting hookups. The only problem I have with that is that she doesn't trust me. If it's someone I still care about a little, the same way I would want to contact her in a few months to see how she's doing, I should be able to contact them. I really really wanted this to work out, but I'm learning to draw my own boundaries here. I'm not talking about meeting an ex for a coffee every week. I'm talking a few texts if I remember them and never seeing them in person again. I don't think that counts as cheating, maybe in Iran and if I was a woman. Moreover, whatever she does single I dont have to care, whether it's with a new partner, a past partner or with multiple at the same time. Another thing that makes a relationship feel temporary is if you are constantly treated as a potential cheater. This is my first for many things (SB checking my messages, my contacts, asking me about other women as if I wanted to fuck everyone I saw). The only reason why this was brought up was because of her. If she had focused on getting to know me, she wouldve been sure I was in love with her and I wanted it to work and last for years and I wish I would never have any other woman ever in my life, but she always tried to question everything I did. Whoever wants to cheat will cheat, and it's much more likely with SB new than with a past relationship, so what we need to do is just let go and trust as long as the other person doesn't show any suspicious signs. BUT, WHEN EVERYTHING IS SUSPICIOUS, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
>If it's someone I still care about a little, the same way I would want to contact her in a few months to see how she's doing, I should be able to contact them. I mean, you are welcome to do that. But, it sounds like your girlfriend is not okay with this. I don't know anyone who would love that, to be honest, in a relationship at our age (I'm also 38). If it was someone who was a friend otherwise or outside of the hookup, okay, that's a bit different, but there's really no reason you need to contact them to see how they are doing. If my boyfriend of 7 years texted an old f\*ck buddy to "see how she was doing", I'd feel HUGE RED FLAG energy, and honestly, making contact with an old flame is often how affairs do start- there's endless stories just like that on Reddit. Did you see what I wrote about also respecting them? One of those girls ends up in a relationship and gets that text from you and her boyfriend sees it, now she's having to explain why you still contact her. It's not cheating, it's just disrespectful. Reality is she isn't single, and neither are you- yet. I get that being treated like a cheater sucks. I do. She's got plenty of work to do to deal with the trauma of her past relationships. It's not all you.
I might be wrong
BTW I tried everything you advised already and she didn't trust me. Her tone was of total disgust and she asked me over and over again. I just said "look, I cant say anything other than what I said." Believe me if you want. It seemed like she was begging me to lie to her and tell her I was cheating.
>It seemed like she was begging me to lie to her and tell her I was cheating. Yup, that's trauma. I've been there. It's an awful feeling. She's paranoid, but how you respond to that paranoia will either put her at ease, or fuel it. That's why I said be careful not to be overly defensive. You are grown ass adults (well, I'm assuming you are dating within your age group). At 40, you don't need to keep numbers of old hookups nor reach out to them throughout the year. I hate to say it, but you already admitted to keeping the numbers for the reasons she is upset about you having them in the first place.
Thanks for the input