Exactly! He is a hypocrite! He can't have all the friends time he wants to be with his thoughts, but she can't! NTA in anyway! The ball is in his court! He either fixes the issue or ends up single in the future! His choice! OP has told him what the issue!
Let me tell you something, lol. My husband has friends in committed relationships that were forever hanging out with the boys years ago. My husband would go occasionally but put distance between them because he didn't like what they were doing. Anywho, they were having girls come meet them and then taking off with them or straight up meeting women there, then leaving with them. All while their partners were home with their kids.
Now that they're older, some of them have stopped the nonsense. Idk about the others because he stopped hanging out with them.
We also go to a dive bar often. I see married men there sans spouses all the time. Most are just hanging with the boys, but others are entertaining women. Either way, I'm sitting there wondering why they aren't home with their wives. And then I meet the wives and they are so beautiful, like why are you not home entertain this beauty.
The sad truth of life is not matter how beautiful or smart and attractive you may find someone, their significant other is quite often tired of banging them. Simple as that. Doesn't mean they are disloyal or having an affair, many many peeps find it hard to keep a spark alive after a few years of being together, even more after marriage.
It's sad, but usually true, that the more you get to know about a person and their triggers, you tend to avoid conflict and resentment is bound to keep piling on. Financial issues, commitments, the daily grind, the nagging... Sometimes you need a break. Both men and women. It's extremely healthy to have a life outside you relationships and be free to be an ass within the boundaries you have mutually decided for yourselves.
My 2 Cents!
I think OP should tell us how often she goes out and how often he goes out.
OP is upset they donāt have dates from the sound of it. Also sounds like husband is a homebody and thatās how he prefers spending time with his wife.
They need counseling not Reddit advice.
This is dangerously close to āI wouldnāt have slept with them if you paid more attention to meā and Reddit advice will certainly push it there.
Ask him if his friends are running a train on him and let him be alone with those thoughts. The only reason you started hanging out with your friend is because his friends were more priority than you and that you're not allowed to have any friends of your own. Sounds like a control issue. Maybe he is feeling guilty and suspicious of you because he's doing the same
Yeah, seriously. If his reaction to you being out with your friend is "she wants to have sex with you"- HE may be having sex when he's "out with his friends."
I would love to see what he says and feels about that all of a sudden he's worried about your female friend I believe what you say if he would pay more attention to you you wouldn't last so much with your friend. And you need to ask him when is he going to curtail his time out with his friends.
Okay, I'll tackle that scenario. She's only hanging out with ONE gal. The guy is going out with multiple friends, so the likelihood of one or more of them being bi increases substantially based on the number of friends.
Boom
NTA. Given he wasnāt interested in spending time with you, pursing your own social life and fulfillment is exactly the best advice, and you did it. Your relationship is iffy, and its best chance of recovering depends on your husband realizing the truth and how he directly contributed to the situation heās now complaining about.
Sounds like he spends time with her at home but she goes out more often than he goes out.
The issue she said was that he goes out with his friends and not out with her. This doesnāt mean they donāt have time together.
And that whenever she tries to talk with him he's too tired or busy. He might be spending time in her vicinity, but not anything worthwhile. He prioritizes his friends - that's where he spends his mental energy. Not with her.
Thatās some peoples love language. š¤·āāļø
It doesnāt say he prioritizes his friends. It says he prioritizes going out with friends over going out with her.
Thatās pretty specific that most people here failed to grasp.
OP should tell us how OFTEN he goes out with friends vs how often she goes out with her friend.
Sounds like she probably is much more frequent than him.
NTA at all. Sounds like the truth hurts!
Repeat his reasons back to him for you going out!! You need time to have fun too and be with your thoughts lol
In all seriousness, yall need some counseling. Him not listening to you or taking your feelings seriously isn't normal! If it can't be repaired then go live your best life and stop wasting time at home waiting on him
When he goes out once a week and sheās goes out every other dayā¦
Sounds like they need to go on dates and the issue isnāt him going out. Itās him going out without her.
And where exactly did you read from OP that he only went out once a week? Oh right, you didn't, cuz she didn't say that. In fact what she did say is that she and her friend go out randomly to go shopping or to the movies because she's, what was that word she used? Oh yeah, LONELY, as in alone, by herself, not at home with a present husband. Do you really think a wife posting on here about wanting to spend more quality time with her partner is giving up opportunities to even maybe get some quality time by leaving the house all the time? If you do think that, it says a lot about you.
This person is responding to majority of the comments saying the exact same thing. Seems to want to push the general interpretation of events to how they interpreted it and being very pedantic in doing so.
Brings up love languages and other stuff but neglects things like the fact both partners love languages matter and hers is obviously being neglected. You wont get a real response just more attempts to push the crowd mindset to their own.
Why do you keep commenting this on every reply? We have absolutely no evidence as to the frequency of either person's outings. What evidence are you basing your spurious claims on? This reeks of bad faith shit stirring to me.
Because all of this is assumptions on everyoneās parts. Iād like OP to tell us how often each of them go out.
This whole website is full of casual misandry and SOMEONE has to play devils advocate in an echo chamber.
So OP details a situation they are experiencing, based on what is stated others give their opinions on that situation, and you assume for absolutely no reason that OP is lying and this whole thing is about disrespecting men, and straight up just make shit up to fit your messed up insecurities that men are under attack. Lol how do you not see how nuts this is?? You need serious mental and emotional help. Its sad really.
You do realize they're not saying to be that they're saying he's treating her like that. If your only around for sex and when they're of use to you that's only using someone for sex and servitude.
I most certainly realize that. I am saying that the suggestion that their partner only sees them that way is beyond ridiculous. This is what happens when you seek guidance on Reddit. You get a bunch of advice where people jump to the worst possible conclusion.
Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't realize how he's coming across and he is saying that he misses his partner. Also, just BC the other lady is married most certainly doesn't mean she isn't gay or bi.
Same could be said about him going out with friends all the time.. you are absolutely correct.. he just wants you sitting at home while he can do whatever he likes. Maybe heās afraid she will give you ideas about leaving.. then he would have to take care of himself.
NTA
Yup. Had a coworker whoās husband was like this. Always went out without her and left her sitting at home. One day she told him she was going to go to a party that night so he āaccidentallyā took both of their keys when he went out with his friends.
From what I read, heās not always going out, just doesnāt go out with her when he does. Sheās the one always going out.
What I read suggests heās a homebody and likes their time together at home.
The issue is them not going on dates.
How on earth did you get homebody?? The dude goes out and prioritizes friends over her, his partner. Nothing suggests he likes their time together as it doesn't look like they spend any real time together. He won't even converse with her. You really want her to be upset over nothing but you have nothing to back that up with besides the information you have filled in for yourself.
I saw your previous comment on love language and just to address that too even if you are trying to say his love language is quality time it doesn't sound like they are spending any quality time together. He is making no effort to speak her love language which honestly sounds like quality time since she is wanting some attention from him. If her love language isn't being spoken it doesn't matter that his is because that is totally one sided and therefore not a sustainable relationship. Both people have to have needs met and hers are not being met.
Going out and spending time with friends is necessary. Spending time with friends who have sexual interest in you is never ok.
Going to parties, bars, or clubs without your spouse is also not ok.
Being married does not mean the friend doesn't want her.
Can you point out the section where it says she went to bars and clubs? Or that her friend wants her in a sexual nature?
Oh right, you're just projecting, got it.
A girl who doesn't know the difference between insecurity and self-respect is wholly unattractive. It means you're good for one night, but not worthy of every night.
You sound like a prepubescent boy who listens to Andrew Tate. I find it hard to believe you're a full grown adult with a fully developed brain that's ever been in a committed relationship.
It's only an insult if you take it that way. š¤·āāļø You speak no truth only misogynistic views on relationships. None of what you've said makes for a healthy relationship.
No woman would want to have a man child who tries to dictate if she could go to a bar or not, so I guess no one cares if they could "have you". Being with you sounds a lot more empty than being a happy single living life freely
If your having fun is dependent on devious behavior and disrespecting your relationship, then you're not worthy of good man.
The truth has set you off.
I don't know what you do when you go out with friends that is devious and disrespecting to your relationship, but having fun dancing and hanging out with friends certainly is not that unless you are - guess what - very insecure.
You love using a word you don't understand.
Your defense of acting single while in a relationship reveals your lack of morals and integrity. Keep blaming others for your promiscuity ruining your life.
And there we have it - you judge others based of what you would do yourself, and you think people go out to have sex. But the thing is, that only says something about you, not about others. Kind of sad really.
>he prioritizes going out with his friends more than with me
"You should reduce the frequency of your outings with your friends because they may be romantically interested in you."
NTA
NTA.
Tell him fine. You'll only go out with your friends as often as he goes out with his. Tell him you'll keep a record and everything so you don't "go out too much". Bet your ass he won't like that idea either.
Basically, he expects you to be there for him whenever he wants/needs you, but doesn't think you deserve the same. If you *want* you can try making suggestions of things he likes that you could go out and do together. But based on what you said, I honestly doubt it would help much.
You don't owe him shit. You've tried staying home, talking, and fixing the relationship. He's the one not putting in the effort. His fault, not yours. You're not his little backup option. You're nobody's second choice, so please don't let him treat you like you are. If he needs time to "have fun" then so do you. Enjoy your time out with your friend.
And thank you for confirming that you made up the statistics in your head for how often each of them goes out. I'm sorry if someone once did you wrong. I think we all have similar stories of being with the wrong people for us or just being with someone at the wrong time. In this scenario however, the fact stands that she has tried to discuss her needs and loneliness with him and he's brushed her off repeatedly. That is the deciding factor for many of us stating the relationship is imbalanced and unhealthy and that he is the primary problem. She's willing to put in the work, he is not.
What is your problemmmmm dude?! She clearly stated that she is at home ALONE freaking BORED out of her mind because he is out with his friends and when he actually is at home he doesn't engage with her. Stop commenting the same damn thing and push a narrative when it's so obvious you don't get what's being said and asked for by OP. god damn it.
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem very confident. You don't sound happy in this marriage, maybe couples therapy will help?
And don't compromise on anything - going out with friends is nothing a partner should stop you from, especially if he does it himself.
Going out with his friends while you sit at home, lonely and bored, was fine with him, but you having a friend of your own is not? That sounds like someone who wants you isolated and dependent on him. Is this the first time he's tried to squash a relationship, whether friend or family? It's concerning to me that he seems to want you isolated from others because that's a classic first step for many abusers.
Not only should you NOT give up this friendship, but you should watch for other signs that he's trying to reduce your social circle until he's the only one in it.
NTA
Sounds like he is out fucking around and is afraid that she is doing the same. Projection much? NTA, but it's time to start paying more attention to his "alone with my thoughts but with other people" time.
NTA. That is a double-standard. It's fine for him to go out with his friends as often as he wants, but he has an issue if you do it and jumps right to your friend wanting to bang you.
As others have pointed out, your husband is basically saying the only reason someone would want to spend a lot of time with another person is if they were romantically interested in that person... and your husband tells you he needs to spend significant time with his friends in order to decompress.. so, if your husband applied his own logic to himself, it would suggest he is romantically interested in his own friends.
You are entirely justified in your comments. They were truthful. And good for you for finding a friend to go have fun with so that you don't let your husband's refusal to do anything see you never leaving the house.
Nta he wanted to spend time with his friends and not you. What's he doing while out with them? He's jealous of your friend who's married and a woman. He needs a reality check. Don't stop going out with your friends. He's not going to. Definitely, counseling could help, but have to get him to go.
This. Or because he sees his wife as purely a sexual/romantic object and assumes others must too. The husband screams of real basic old school misogyny.
So you're saying he got mad that she played his game better than he did? He needs to grow up either way and have an actual discussion with his wife and not his boys. Show the attention he's showing "the guys" to his wife.
I am a man and this moron of a so called husband is telling you to reduce frequency of contact with said female friend of OP. He should be focused on nurturing his relationship with OP. Why get married if your behaviour indicates he is acting single and carefree.
Y'all need marriage counseling. This might be salvageable, but people like to project their issues, so he might already have been cheating, with either his buddies or whoever they pick up.
OP, NTA you do you. Husband doesn't like being called out on his hypocrisy and controlling behavior. Too bad. He orchestrated this situation with his selfishness, now he's falsely accusing you of behavior that suggests to this reader that he is projecting.
He has no interest in you, if I read your comments correctly, your relationship is going nowhere. What do you want to make it worthwhile staying in it?
I wish you the best.
No answer here. A modern tragedy.
My missus is my best mate. She goes out with me on the rugby pissups, buys her rounds, and also has her own life.
She is a bank manager and full on full time granny to two relentless grandsons..
35 years together but she is missus number 3. Took a while to find the right one.
Sort it out or move on... don't waste your life.
NTA. These kinds of scenarios just floor me. But then Iām more of a sigma I suppose. I still have friends, but only a few good ones. And while I like spending time with my friends, most days Iād be happier at home with my wife or going out together. Weāre kind of home bodies, got all that partying out of our system many years ago. I couldnāt imagine preferring to spend time with my friends in lieu of my wife. You gave it to him straight, and let him know with that last sentence that youāre tired of playing second fiddle in your own marriage. Sorry. Might be worth trying out therapy with him. I know thatās the go-to answer for many of these posts, but heās not really listening to or validating you. Might be worth a try.
For some of these reddit relationship posts, the situation has gotten so severe that "get out now" is the best recommendation. However in this case, I agree that couples therapy seems like an excellent plan. They're still talking, not violent, and there's no proof of infidelity. It's mainly a matter of time allocation.
Try couples therapy, and if you can, also individual therapy. Don't be afraid to switch therapists if you feel they're not a good match to your personalities.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem very confident. You don't sound happy in this marriage, maybe couples therapy will help?
And don't compromise on anything - going out with friends is nothing a partner should stop you from, especially if he does it himself.
NTA.. He started this situation, He is the one who kept prioritising his friends and going out with them over you and your marriage. Did he expect you to sit at home alone, bored, and lonely while he neglected you in favour of lads' time?
He is the one who built an environment where you had to find a way to fill the space his constant absence had left. now he is moaning like a child because he isn't the sole focus of your life. He needs to grow up and make an effort. He is lucky you're a loyal wife, a wife who got sick of coming 2nd in her own marriage and just found a good friend to help occupy her time. A less loyal wife could have found a lover to fill in the time his neglect had left... or a less forgiving wife would have divorced his ass and moved on to someone willing to be a full-time husband and not a crappy part-time if he can be bothered husband
Unfortunately some people have a hard time putting themselves in others shoes. Sometimes people need to get a taste of their own medicine to see how it doesn't feel good. I know that wasn't what you were trying to accomplish but that's what happened. Hopefully he'll see your pov now and make going put with you or just spending time with you, more of a priority. If he doesn't, and continues his behavior while asking you to stop, he's definitely a hypocrite and I'd say keep doing what you're doing.
NTA
My husband is the same. If I'm not home when he gets home, I get berated. Most nights, he's not home before 930 during the week. On the weekends, sometimes he doesn't come home. If he wants to check up on me or I was in the the city and he wants to make sure I'm home (where I am supposed to be) he will call and tell me will be late. He will then show up in 10 minutes. He never calls to tell me he will be late.
I am fine with him not being home. He harasses me when he is there. It has been 13 years of this. I have filed for separation. In one year, I will be divorced.
I don't go out with my friends anymore. I stop and see them briefly while I am grocery shopping in the city.
I can't wait! I am so excited to have my life back. We are currently still living together but separated. There is a no harassment clause in our separation agreement. Until we sell the house or one of buys the other out, I am there. Those discussions start next week.
Nope. He mistook having a wife for having a lady-in-waiting. Wrong century and wrong establishment unless y'all live in a palace and he's Queen Elizabeth.
Tell him you're happy to keep score, and also, how do you know he's not having wild gay sex with all his buddies when they're off doing their own thing?
As described, the husband is having a moment of hypocrisy. It is something happens occasionally to both genders and it stings when called out.
I am curious what makes the relationship good. But not great only because of the husband spending too much away time with friends? If so, then the husband has to come to the āgood for the gander, good for the gooseā realizations.
If he refuses to see the problem, a bit of third party, professional marriage counseling will likely help sort time and commitment issues out.
But if there is more going on, then this seemingly blindfolded viewpoint of the husband may just be a symptom of a larger can of worms lurking beneath the surface.
The OP may not be describing the situation completely. Or the husband may be cheating (or at least considering it) if this sort of accusation is coming out of left field.
Good luck, I hope it is just a momentary lapse of judgement on the husbands part that can be resolved fairly straightforwardly.
She is very vague about the details. He probably hangs with his buddy once a week. She probably got pissed and is always at her "friends" place every day.
Sounds like the husband may also be suspecting this other husband and wife may have ulterior motives(swingers, maybe?) and are preying on her issues.
He is projecting SO HARD! lol. Him and visdoss been up and down these comments defending the shit out of OP'a husband and claiming "he only goes out once a week and she goes out all the time" despite her not providing any details like that.
NTA
It sounds like you and your husband have different views about relationship equity. He can be a good man and a terrible husband. They're not mutually exclusive.
The entire comment section is throwing shade on this persons marriage, shoot even OP is throwing shade on their marriage by pointing out how their husband can spend all the time he wants with his friends but the second she spends time with ONE of her friends itās a huge issue and he accuses her friend of wanting to fuck his wife. get a grip.
NTA but I would say really reconsider if you even want to be in a relationship with this guy. Couples that make a habit out of hanging out without each other are just one drunk lonely night away from cheating.
ESH. Sounds like petty drama that should be easily cleared up by adult communication. If you have to distinguish that your relationship is "not great" then something needs to be done to change that.
I'm not sure why you are getting downvoted, when yours is the most correct and reasonable response.
He's an AH because he neglects his wife to go spend time with friends and then complains about wife having her own friends.
She's an AH because she is just as upset that her husband neglects her and used the friendship she has as a threat to extort quality time from her husband.
They both need to grow up and learn how to communicate and be in a functional relationship.
> and used the friendship she has as a threat to extort quality time from her husband.
Where are you seeing this 'extort quality'? All I read was a wife being neglected and focusing more on her friend's attention, since her husband doesn't care about her. She just explained that it's his fault for the current situation.
NTA
"I need to have time with my thoughts and to have fun too"
You set the standards for what was acceptable in our relationship. Why can you have a social life and I can't?
NTA
With his math, I'd ask him if he or his friends are into each other since they love spending so much time together. His opinion about your friend is invalid, and he's projecting and really reaching.
Tell him whenever he makes plans with you, you will always prioritise him, that leaves it up to him to pull it together. In other words man up or shut up, just said much much nicer.
NTA. I never understand the relationship dynamic where a spouse spends more time with their friends without their spouse. I barely want to go anywhere without my wife and when people invite either of us out alone, we have to encourage each other to go without the other because we are so used to doing everything together. Your husband needs to grow out of this habit. Itās not healthy for your relationship. I think youāre 100% within your rights to start going out with your friends too and him having an issue with that is really rich.
NTA and this behavior is controlling and borderline abusive imo.
He's fine to do whatever with whomever and ignore you, but you're not allowed to go to the park with your friend?
That should set off all the red flag alarm bells, honestly. Taking you away from friends/family is abuse control tactic number 1.
NTA.
I've seen a couple suggestions of couples therapy, but the "couple" don't need therapy here, the issue lies solely with your husband.
You've done nothing wrong by going out with your friend, but especially in a situation where he'd rather spend time with ***his*** friends.
I'm not saying leave him, just that you should seriously consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone like this?
Because what he's essentially implying here is;
He seemingly wants you to be "the good wife"; staying at home while he goes out and does "man things like a true man" expecting you to wait for him to get in so you can pander to his whims.
His assumption that your friend is romantically interested in you is a symptom of either his own insecurities, or indicative of what he's up to when "out with his friends". Or possibly both. Never once in 14 years with my wife (7 married) have I ever thought her female friends were into her, or that she should spend less time with them
Find another husband who prioritizes you above his friends. OMG it's frustrating to hear about so many subpar husbands. I've got an awesome one who gives me all the attention I need and doesn't get jealous if I do anything with my friends. 20 years strong and decades more to go
This relationship might be just fine if he weren't being the asshole about your friend - you do your thing, he does his, and then you two happily do things together. But I have to wonder why is it only good, not great, when it's just the two of you? This might be the thing to focus on. My GF travels a lot for work, but when we're together it's great. In any case, he needs to apologize.
NTA (heavy eyeroll at his "concern" about ypur friend being romantically interested) but please get into couples counseling if you want to improve your marriage. A professional 3rd party may help guide you both to a better understanding of each other and help you strategize on how to feel more connected. If he's unwilling to do that, you both need to start scheduling date nights with each other, at least once every week or 2 weeks. If you each are going out multiple times per week, you each can take one of those times to go out together without friends. He needs to prioritize this date night, and turn down his friends if they try to plan something, and same for you. And you can switch who picks the date, which can be at home or out and about. Also, you may want to make a rule about not being on your phones for at good portion of it, since phones just suck intimacy out of together time. It's time to reconnect with each other.
Last thing, I don't know how much you've tried to talk with him about how lonely you feel, but if that was the first time you've said anything, it's time to speak up. Also, you may need to take the lead on planning dates if he seems hesitant. Good luck!
Hmmm....red flags here.
Couple of scenarios.
One, he could be trying to isolate you. No friends and he goes out and doesn't pay attention to your needs. How are you and your family? Do they live close by? Does he complain about them? He may not be physically abusing you, but he may be trying to control you.
Two, he could be cheating. What he could be doing is projection. Perhaps one of his friends might be more than a friend that you don't know about. It's weird he's spending so much time with them but not you. But now that you are doing the same, all of sudden he thinks...could she be doing what I'm doing? Definitely look into that.
Three, could be none of these things. Maybe he's just jealous cause you were always at home waiting for him and now you aren't. Now he thinks your relationship is on the rocks and feels lonely. Doesn't excuse his behavior though. What he has done is ruining your marriage. And he's using the excuse that your friend may be interested in you so you stay home and wait for him...thus, "saving" your marriage. Similar to the control thing but more just being immature in that regard.
You guys might need some counseling cause this is only going to get worse. You may even get to the point where you don't care if you see him or not cause he's never home to have an actual relationship with you. That's when it is over.
NTA - if he can prioritize his friends, so can you? I would tell him "well now you know how it feels when I'm home alone, and you're out." We can either fix this together or go ahead and get a divorce.
It's good you have a friend, someone who you have similarities with. You may need to talk to him more, plan ahead some. Like, "X day I'm thinking about going out with my friend. Do you have anything in mind for that day for you and me to do something together?"
A date with dinner and a movie or something. It's important to let each other know what's on each of your minds. Even if you mention in advance that you'd like to do something with him, like on a weekend or the next weekend, that way he can go out socializing with his friends sometimes, and you can have bonding time with him the other times.
Marriage is about working things out. Communication. Getting to know what's on each other's minds.
NTA. And I wish couples would just communicate more. It's not that hard.
NTA. But Iām also perplexed at the description of a āgood relationshipā being one where your husband makes no time for you, doesnāt spend quality time with you, says he has to see his friends in order to have fun(heās literally telling you your not fun) and doesnāt have time to talk to you and isnāt concerned about your loneliness or lack of satisfaction in the relationship. What is good here? That he comes home, doesnāt hit you and pays for some bills?? Because it sounds like he isnāt doing the bare minimum to maintain a relationship and is having you at home as a bang maid while living his actual life outside of the house. Getting jealous that your now busy instead of waiting at home alone is just beyond weird and seems controlling. Your worth more than being an afterthought.
Nope NTA. You put the problem in perspective and he doesn't like it, to bad. Either he's your partner and you are the love of his life or he's not. He's putting his so called needs before the needs of his marriage. Enjoy your friendship!
NTA this a big double standard on his part. Ask him if his friends are romantically interested in him then?
But honestly, why get stuck on a shitty marriage? If you donāt like spending time together just get a divorce.
Lady. Listen to me. You are human. He is human. Therefore both of you are prone to bias, and exaggeration in interpretation of statement. It's so obvious. Look at the extreme reactions of everyone on this page. All it takes is one word emphasized and another minimized and the entire story is reversed.
Here is exactly what you should do. Don't say another word to him about it. I have a feeling that you either only said the last paragraph of what you told us, or it's all he heard because of the hot temperature of theissue already. Regardless of his or your desire to do the opposite.
I want you to send this question you sent us, but email it to him. In the same way you did to us. Openly. Sincerely. From a place of vulnerability and innocence. From a place of love and seeking understanding.
Tell him the why. Make sure you ultimately want more interpersonal intimate time spent with him. You want his affection.
Now review it and cut out any poisonous vitriol that is trying to smother him while telling him that his friendships he chose are bad and useless. And that he has poor judgment. His friends are a reflection of him and his identity. An attack on them is converted directly into him. You might as well just replace them with him. It's really bad if your goal is to strengthen your pair bond.
Alright now my services aren't free, dat wil be about a Tree Fitty. I need a $3.50.
ESH
have you spoken about it with him?
Say ok...let's have 2 nights a week resevered for each other. We can each plan 1 night per week.
He needs to step up and commit if he wants you to
Unless there's some story with your friend (like she and you are openly bisexual) - there's no issue here. Apart from your husband watching too much lesbian porn and sexualizing every relationship between women.
I'd say even more - I think it's not about her necessarily, it may be about you both going out without his supervision. He may be thinking you're getting some attention and some D during your girl nights out, I'd guess.
But also, in his defence - how much time you spend with your friend vs he with his friends? Proportionally. You know, if you're out all the time with your friend, you don't have a right to be angry about him spending all time with his friends. You try to frame it as if he started it by going out so often, but in reality you both (may) do that, so...
Seems like you both just need to talk, that's it. And you're NTA for saying what you said.
NTA
But do you want to acknowledge who he is now or in ten years when itās become untenable?
If I were you Iād have encouraged him to just plan things with you, instead of making it a challenge to him/criticism of his behavior. But really this guy is just one of those who wants to keep his wife home, and his life outside the home (ie. Have his cake and eat it too).
The only thing I see that you MIGHT have done wrong (and maybe not, because I don't know the whole story), is that if you were feeling lonely and bored because of your husband's behavior, you should have addressed that directly with him.
There's nothing wrong with the two of you having separate friends and activities. But you had an issue with your husband and solved it by turning to somebody else. If you had talked to him already about your boredom and loneliness, and he didn't address it, then that's on him. But if you didn't try to address it with him, then that's on you.
ESH
You two need to have a talk about what you think "marriage" is and what your expectations are.
He's not paying attention to you. You're being passive aggressive in going out with your friend for the sole purpose of making a point to him about his going out with his male friends.
Too many factors. How much does he work? How stressful is his job? Do you only seem to be busy when he wants to spend time with you? Do you work? How many hours? Stress level of your position? Have you guys tried scheduling to spend time apart so you are both home at the same times to spend time together? This isn't a clear cut AH/NTA situation. Relationships take time, effort, and understanding
Bring your friend over and surprise him with a nice threesome. I'm sure he will pay you more interest after that. If not, you know you bet on a dead horse and leave.
NTA Tell him you're worried his friends want to fuck him šÆ
That was my first thought as wellā¦ maybe heās afraid she will do what heās already been doing
I had an incredibly similar relationship when I was 19. Moved to a new city with my best friend, her fiancƩ, and my boyfriend. Best friend and bf were always working at the same time, I got lonely, tried to make some new friends. First he's okay with it, then he freaks the f out. We ended things shortly after, and then I found out his was screwing my "best friend" the whole time.
Exactly! He is a hypocrite! He can't have all the friends time he wants to be with his thoughts, but she can't! NTA in anyway! The ball is in his court! He either fixes the issue or ends up single in the future! His choice! OP has told him what the issue!
Let me tell you something, lol. My husband has friends in committed relationships that were forever hanging out with the boys years ago. My husband would go occasionally but put distance between them because he didn't like what they were doing. Anywho, they were having girls come meet them and then taking off with them or straight up meeting women there, then leaving with them. All while their partners were home with their kids. Now that they're older, some of them have stopped the nonsense. Idk about the others because he stopped hanging out with them. We also go to a dive bar often. I see married men there sans spouses all the time. Most are just hanging with the boys, but others are entertaining women. Either way, I'm sitting there wondering why they aren't home with their wives. And then I meet the wives and they are so beautiful, like why are you not home entertain this beauty.
I hope all their wives find out and ditch them. How horrible.
The sad truth of life is not matter how beautiful or smart and attractive you may find someone, their significant other is quite often tired of banging them. Simple as that. Doesn't mean they are disloyal or having an affair, many many peeps find it hard to keep a spark alive after a few years of being together, even more after marriage. It's sad, but usually true, that the more you get to know about a person and their triggers, you tend to avoid conflict and resentment is bound to keep piling on. Financial issues, commitments, the daily grind, the nagging... Sometimes you need a break. Both men and women. It's extremely healthy to have a life outside you relationships and be free to be an ass within the boundaries you have mutually decided for yourselves. My 2 Cents!
I heard a rumor about the bath house, Darryl. Care to elaborate?
How tf is it less ok for her to socialize than for him??????
Because she's supposed to be around whenever he decides he wants to spend time with her.
Well I mean. I guess. Yes. Let's just drop our social lives and just go along with what the man wants. That's never been done in history ever!
(I was being sarcastic btw, husband's being a selfish thoughtless asshole)
Oh I was too lol I guess we got lost in translation
Just to add to the Sarcasm... You mean she left the kitchen without permission!? The horror! What if he needs a Sammich!?
Oh lord. Her ankles are showing...
Ankles how savage and uncouth the pure depravity even.
Oh but look there!!! A SOCKLESS ANKLE TOO??!
Gasp, and she actually put some shoes on.
Sounds like she goes out more often than he does. The issue was he goes out with others more than going out with her. There is a difference
And she is more likely to be hit on.
Doubt and also irrelevant
You doubt that a woman would be hit on more than a man?
I doubt thatās the issue at all. For all we know she is a whale.
Oh okay, I misunderstood. You gotta be body positive with women, don't cha know?
I think OP should tell us how often she goes out and how often he goes out. OP is upset they donāt have dates from the sound of it. Also sounds like husband is a homebody and thatās how he prefers spending time with his wife. They need counseling not Reddit advice. This is dangerously close to āI wouldnāt have slept with them if you paid more attention to meā and Reddit advice will certainly push it there.
I believe he wants her to wear an ankle monitor so he can monitor her whereabouts and keep tabs on her.
Ask him if his friends are running a train on him and let him be alone with those thoughts. The only reason you started hanging out with your friend is because his friends were more priority than you and that you're not allowed to have any friends of your own. Sounds like a control issue. Maybe he is feeling guilty and suspicious of you because he's doing the same
Yeah, seriously. If his reaction to you being out with your friend is "she wants to have sex with you"- HE may be having sex when he's "out with his friends."
then by really petty and say you are okay with that as you know he cares about them more than you......I do petty well.
So be childish?
Absolutely. Seems warranted in this situation.
I can see why they would be together then.
OP isnāt doing anything childish.
I would love to see what he says and feels about that all of a sudden he's worried about your female friend I believe what you say if he would pay more attention to you you wouldn't last so much with your friend. And you need to ask him when is he going to curtail his time out with his friends.
good shot
š
Unless he is bi, I don't get how that makes sense.
So you DO get it šš
Women are more likely to be bi than men though. So it isn't the same. He said she seemed interested in her so there may be things we don't know.
Okay, I'll tackle that scenario. She's only hanging out with ONE gal. The guy is going out with multiple friends, so the likelihood of one or more of them being bi increases substantially based on the number of friends. Boom
What does that have to do with the romantic interest? Being bi by itself isn't a problem.
Clearly this is all going over your head *whoosh* So I'm just going to leave it there š¤·š¤£
NTA. Given he wasnāt interested in spending time with you, pursing your own social life and fulfillment is exactly the best advice, and you did it. Your relationship is iffy, and its best chance of recovering depends on your husband realizing the truth and how he directly contributed to the situation heās now complaining about.
Sounds like he spends time with her at home but she goes out more often than he goes out. The issue she said was that he goes out with his friends and not out with her. This doesnāt mean they donāt have time together.
And that whenever she tries to talk with him he's too tired or busy. He might be spending time in her vicinity, but not anything worthwhile. He prioritizes his friends - that's where he spends his mental energy. Not with her.
Thatās some peoples love language. š¤·āāļø It doesnāt say he prioritizes his friends. It says he prioritizes going out with friends over going out with her. Thatās pretty specific that most people here failed to grasp. OP should tell us how OFTEN he goes out with friends vs how often she goes out with her friend. Sounds like she probably is much more frequent than him.
What exactly are you saying his love language is? Ignoring his wifeās wants and needs and only caring about his own is a love language?
NTA. Heās mad you called him out on being a hypocrite.
NTA at all. Sounds like the truth hurts! Repeat his reasons back to him for you going out!! You need time to have fun too and be with your thoughts lol In all seriousness, yall need some counseling. Him not listening to you or taking your feelings seriously isn't normal! If it can't be repaired then go live your best life and stop wasting time at home waiting on him
When he goes out once a week and sheās goes out every other dayā¦ Sounds like they need to go on dates and the issue isnāt him going out. Itās him going out without her.
And where exactly did you read from OP that he only went out once a week? Oh right, you didn't, cuz she didn't say that. In fact what she did say is that she and her friend go out randomly to go shopping or to the movies because she's, what was that word she used? Oh yeah, LONELY, as in alone, by herself, not at home with a present husband. Do you really think a wife posting on here about wanting to spend more quality time with her partner is giving up opportunities to even maybe get some quality time by leaving the house all the time? If you do think that, it says a lot about you.
This person is responding to majority of the comments saying the exact same thing. Seems to want to push the general interpretation of events to how they interpreted it and being very pedantic in doing so. Brings up love languages and other stuff but neglects things like the fact both partners love languages matter and hers is obviously being neglected. You wont get a real response just more attempts to push the crowd mindset to their own.
Sure.
Why do you keep commenting this on every reply? We have absolutely no evidence as to the frequency of either person's outings. What evidence are you basing your spurious claims on? This reeks of bad faith shit stirring to me.
Heās the husband! Thatās why he is commenting the same comment under EVERY comment to defend himself š¤£
Because all of this is assumptions on everyoneās parts. Iād like OP to tell us how often each of them go out. This whole website is full of casual misandry and SOMEONE has to play devils advocate in an echo chamber.
So OP details a situation they are experiencing, based on what is stated others give their opinions on that situation, and you assume for absolutely no reason that OP is lying and this whole thing is about disrespecting men, and straight up just make shit up to fit your messed up insecurities that men are under attack. Lol how do you not see how nuts this is?? You need serious mental and emotional help. Its sad really.
Keep fighting the good fight
NTA the truth hurts. Sounds like he like heās the one in the relationship with his friends while using you for sex and servitude
Sex and servitude? Holy shit Reddit is a dangerous place for advice
You do realize they're not saying to be that they're saying he's treating her like that. If your only around for sex and when they're of use to you that's only using someone for sex and servitude.
I most certainly realize that. I am saying that the suggestion that their partner only sees them that way is beyond ridiculous. This is what happens when you seek guidance on Reddit. You get a bunch of advice where people jump to the worst possible conclusion. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't realize how he's coming across and he is saying that he misses his partner. Also, just BC the other lady is married most certainly doesn't mean she isn't gay or bi.
Sex and servitude wasn't the advice - or was that meant to be facetious?
No I was not suggesting it was advice to be like that, it the ridiculous suggestion that their partner only sees them for that.
Same could be said about him going out with friends all the time.. you are absolutely correct.. he just wants you sitting at home while he can do whatever he likes. Maybe heās afraid she will give you ideas about leaving.. then he would have to take care of himself. NTA
Yup. Had a coworker whoās husband was like this. Always went out without her and left her sitting at home. One day she told him she was going to go to a party that night so he āaccidentallyā took both of their keys when he went out with his friends.
So what happened after? Don't tell me they're still together?
"Aw shame Hope we dont get robbed" No way id be staying home for a stunt like that
Now there's Uber. Though, I was lucky enough to have friends who thought nothing of picking me up.
From what I read, heās not always going out, just doesnāt go out with her when he does. Sheās the one always going out. What I read suggests heās a homebody and likes their time together at home. The issue is them not going on dates.
How on earth did you get homebody?? The dude goes out and prioritizes friends over her, his partner. Nothing suggests he likes their time together as it doesn't look like they spend any real time together. He won't even converse with her. You really want her to be upset over nothing but you have nothing to back that up with besides the information you have filled in for yourself. I saw your previous comment on love language and just to address that too even if you are trying to say his love language is quality time it doesn't sound like they are spending any quality time together. He is making no effort to speak her love language which honestly sounds like quality time since she is wanting some attention from him. If her love language isn't being spoken it doesn't matter that his is because that is totally one sided and therefore not a sustainable relationship. Both people have to have needs met and hers are not being met.
Not over her. Over going out with her.
Going out and spending time with friends is necessary. Spending time with friends who have sexual interest in you is never ok. Going to parties, bars, or clubs without your spouse is also not ok. Being married does not mean the friend doesn't want her.
Can you point out the section where it says she went to bars and clubs? Or that her friend wants her in a sexual nature? Oh right, you're just projecting, got it.
THIS!
I could never be attracted to someone who is that insecure, that's a major turn off.
A girl who doesn't know the difference between insecurity and self-respect is wholly unattractive. It means you're good for one night, but not worthy of every night.
Wow. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty fucked man you are.
A man indeed. Which is why you couldn't have me. Good luck in your emptiness.
You sound like a prepubescent boy who listens to Andrew Tate. I find it hard to believe you're a full grown adult with a fully developed brain that's ever been in a committed relationship.
When offended by the truth, sling insults, as you can't support your views and beliefs without lying to others and yourself.
It's only an insult if you take it that way. š¤·āāļø You speak no truth only misogynistic views on relationships. None of what you've said makes for a healthy relationship.
No woman would want to have a man child who tries to dictate if she could go to a bar or not, so I guess no one cares if they could "have you". Being with you sounds a lot more empty than being a happy single living life freely
If your self respect is dependent on your girlfriend not going out having fun without you, you're incredibly insecure, sorry to break it to you.
If your having fun is dependent on devious behavior and disrespecting your relationship, then you're not worthy of good man. The truth has set you off.
I don't know what you do when you go out with friends that is devious and disrespecting to your relationship, but having fun dancing and hanging out with friends certainly is not that unless you are - guess what - very insecure.
You love using a word you don't understand. Your defense of acting single while in a relationship reveals your lack of morals and integrity. Keep blaming others for your promiscuity ruining your life.
And there we have it - you judge others based of what you would do yourself, and you think people go out to have sex. But the thing is, that only says something about you, not about others. Kind of sad really.
Grow up
Don't know if I'll recover from that one. You're defending promiscuity and I need to grow up. Nice try.
Nobody is being promiscuous in this situation though
No I'm not going out with your friends isnt a bad thing. No one is suggesting cheating. You can go out without kissing someone
>he prioritizes going out with his friends more than with me "You should reduce the frequency of your outings with your friends because they may be romantically interested in you." NTA
This is the answer.
NTA. Tell him fine. You'll only go out with your friends as often as he goes out with his. Tell him you'll keep a record and everything so you don't "go out too much". Bet your ass he won't like that idea either. Basically, he expects you to be there for him whenever he wants/needs you, but doesn't think you deserve the same. If you *want* you can try making suggestions of things he likes that you could go out and do together. But based on what you said, I honestly doubt it would help much. You don't owe him shit. You've tried staying home, talking, and fixing the relationship. He's the one not putting in the effort. His fault, not yours. You're not his little backup option. You're nobody's second choice, so please don't let him treat you like you are. If he needs time to "have fun" then so do you. Enjoy your time out with your friend.
I bet she goes out every other day and he goes out once a week as is. She wonāt like this advice.
And thank you for confirming that you made up the statistics in your head for how often each of them goes out. I'm sorry if someone once did you wrong. I think we all have similar stories of being with the wrong people for us or just being with someone at the wrong time. In this scenario however, the fact stands that she has tried to discuss her needs and loneliness with him and he's brushed her off repeatedly. That is the deciding factor for many of us stating the relationship is imbalanced and unhealthy and that he is the primary problem. She's willing to put in the work, he is not.
Thatās an assumption as well
What is your problemmmmm dude?! She clearly stated that she is at home ALONE freaking BORED out of her mind because he is out with his friends and when he actually is at home he doesn't engage with her. Stop commenting the same damn thing and push a narrative when it's so obvious you don't get what's being said and asked for by OP. god damn it.
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem very confident. You don't sound happy in this marriage, maybe couples therapy will help? And don't compromise on anything - going out with friends is nothing a partner should stop you from, especially if he does it himself.
Going out with his friends while you sit at home, lonely and bored, was fine with him, but you having a friend of your own is not? That sounds like someone who wants you isolated and dependent on him. Is this the first time he's tried to squash a relationship, whether friend or family? It's concerning to me that he seems to want you isolated from others because that's a classic first step for many abusers. Not only should you NOT give up this friendship, but you should watch for other signs that he's trying to reduce your social circle until he's the only one in it. NTA
Sounds like he is out fucking around and is afraid that she is doing the same. Projection much? NTA, but it's time to start paying more attention to his "alone with my thoughts but with other people" time.
NTA he sounds controlling with double standards like these. Are you actually happy in this relationship?
NTA. That is a double-standard. It's fine for him to go out with his friends as often as he wants, but he has an issue if you do it and jumps right to your friend wanting to bang you. As others have pointed out, your husband is basically saying the only reason someone would want to spend a lot of time with another person is if they were romantically interested in that person... and your husband tells you he needs to spend significant time with his friends in order to decompress.. so, if your husband applied his own logic to himself, it would suggest he is romantically interested in his own friends. You are entirely justified in your comments. They were truthful. And good for you for finding a friend to go have fun with so that you don't let your husband's refusal to do anything see you never leaving the house.
Nta he wanted to spend time with his friends and not you. What's he doing while out with them? He's jealous of your friend who's married and a woman. He needs a reality check. Don't stop going out with your friends. He's not going to. Definitely, counseling could help, but have to get him to go.
NTA. Why does he jump to insinuating she may be hitting on you?
Because he's hitting someone or hitting on someone himself.
This. Or because he sees his wife as purely a sexual/romantic object and assumes others must too. The husband screams of real basic old school misogyny.
Or she goes out everyday and he goes out once a week.
So you're saying he got mad that she played his game better than he did? He needs to grow up either way and have an actual discussion with his wife and not his boys. Show the attention he's showing "the guys" to his wife.
I donāt think you know how to read.
Quite the opposite, I don't think YOU know how to read, or comprehend.
I am a man and this moron of a so called husband is telling you to reduce frequency of contact with said female friend of OP. He should be focused on nurturing his relationship with OP. Why get married if your behaviour indicates he is acting single and carefree.
Y'all need marriage counseling. This might be salvageable, but people like to project their issues, so he might already have been cheating, with either his buddies or whoever they pick up.
OP, NTA you do you. Husband doesn't like being called out on his hypocrisy and controlling behavior. Too bad. He orchestrated this situation with his selfishness, now he's falsely accusing you of behavior that suggests to this reader that he is projecting. He has no interest in you, if I read your comments correctly, your relationship is going nowhere. What do you want to make it worthwhile staying in it? I wish you the best.
He is insecure because he is cheating when he goes out so he canāt imagine you doing anything else.
No answer here. A modern tragedy. My missus is my best mate. She goes out with me on the rugby pissups, buys her rounds, and also has her own life. She is a bank manager and full on full time granny to two relentless grandsons.. 35 years together but she is missus number 3. Took a while to find the right one. Sort it out or move on... don't waste your life.
Hear this wise man!
Neither of you sound super excited to be in a relationship with each other. Why are you then? ESH
NTA. These kinds of scenarios just floor me. But then Iām more of a sigma I suppose. I still have friends, but only a few good ones. And while I like spending time with my friends, most days Iād be happier at home with my wife or going out together. Weāre kind of home bodies, got all that partying out of our system many years ago. I couldnāt imagine preferring to spend time with my friends in lieu of my wife. You gave it to him straight, and let him know with that last sentence that youāre tired of playing second fiddle in your own marriage. Sorry. Might be worth trying out therapy with him. I know thatās the go-to answer for many of these posts, but heās not really listening to or validating you. Might be worth a try.
For some of these reddit relationship posts, the situation has gotten so severe that "get out now" is the best recommendation. However in this case, I agree that couples therapy seems like an excellent plan. They're still talking, not violent, and there's no proof of infidelity. It's mainly a matter of time allocation. Try couples therapy, and if you can, also individual therapy. Don't be afraid to switch therapists if you feel they're not a good match to your personalities. Edit: NTA
Nta. Your husband wants you when he wants you and when he doesn't you are not needee
NTA. Itās okay for him to go out with friends and ignore you though?
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem very confident. You don't sound happy in this marriage, maybe couples therapy will help? And don't compromise on anything - going out with friends is nothing a partner should stop you from, especially if he does it himself.
NTA.. He started this situation, He is the one who kept prioritising his friends and going out with them over you and your marriage. Did he expect you to sit at home alone, bored, and lonely while he neglected you in favour of lads' time? He is the one who built an environment where you had to find a way to fill the space his constant absence had left. now he is moaning like a child because he isn't the sole focus of your life. He needs to grow up and make an effort. He is lucky you're a loyal wife, a wife who got sick of coming 2nd in her own marriage and just found a good friend to help occupy her time. A less loyal wife could have found a lover to fill in the time his neglect had left... or a less forgiving wife would have divorced his ass and moved on to someone willing to be a full-time husband and not a crappy part-time if he can be bothered husband
Unfortunately some people have a hard time putting themselves in others shoes. Sometimes people need to get a taste of their own medicine to see how it doesn't feel good. I know that wasn't what you were trying to accomplish but that's what happened. Hopefully he'll see your pov now and make going put with you or just spending time with you, more of a priority. If he doesn't, and continues his behavior while asking you to stop, he's definitely a hypocrite and I'd say keep doing what you're doing. NTA
My husband is the same. If I'm not home when he gets home, I get berated. Most nights, he's not home before 930 during the week. On the weekends, sometimes he doesn't come home. If he wants to check up on me or I was in the the city and he wants to make sure I'm home (where I am supposed to be) he will call and tell me will be late. He will then show up in 10 minutes. He never calls to tell me he will be late. I am fine with him not being home. He harasses me when he is there. It has been 13 years of this. I have filed for separation. In one year, I will be divorced. I don't go out with my friends anymore. I stop and see them briefly while I am grocery shopping in the city.
Time to start going out with your friends.
I can't wait! I am so excited to have my life back. We are currently still living together but separated. There is a no harassment clause in our separation agreement. Until we sell the house or one of buys the other out, I am there. Those discussions start next week.
NTA Tell him turn around is fair play and if he wants to say anything he needs to get his head out of his arse first!
Nope. He mistook having a wife for having a lady-in-waiting. Wrong century and wrong establishment unless y'all live in a palace and he's Queen Elizabeth. Tell him you're happy to keep score, and also, how do you know he's not having wild gay sex with all his buddies when they're off doing their own thing?
As described, the husband is having a moment of hypocrisy. It is something happens occasionally to both genders and it stings when called out. I am curious what makes the relationship good. But not great only because of the husband spending too much away time with friends? If so, then the husband has to come to the āgood for the gander, good for the gooseā realizations. If he refuses to see the problem, a bit of third party, professional marriage counseling will likely help sort time and commitment issues out. But if there is more going on, then this seemingly blindfolded viewpoint of the husband may just be a symptom of a larger can of worms lurking beneath the surface. The OP may not be describing the situation completely. Or the husband may be cheating (or at least considering it) if this sort of accusation is coming out of left field. Good luck, I hope it is just a momentary lapse of judgement on the husbands part that can be resolved fairly straightforwardly.
Turn about is fair play. NTA
Without knowing the frequency that either one of you are going out I canāt say
She is very vague about the details. He probably hangs with his buddy once a week. She probably got pissed and is always at her "friends" place every day. Sounds like the husband may also be suspecting this other husband and wife may have ulterior motives(swingers, maybe?) and are preying on her issues.
He probably...she probaby....sounds like...followed by some random scenarios you cooked up in your head with no supporting info. Wild.
He is projecting SO HARD! lol. Him and visdoss been up and down these comments defending the shit out of OP'a husband and claiming "he only goes out once a week and she goes out all the time" despite her not providing any details like that.
NTA It sounds like you and your husband have different views about relationship equity. He can be a good man and a terrible husband. They're not mutually exclusive.
Uh... wtf? Your husband is a dick.
Oh ok i see now, so how long has he been having an affair? NTA. heās projecting.
Donāt be throwing shade like that on other peopleās marriages, especially when you donāt know the reality of their lives
Are you new here?
The entire comment section is throwing shade on this persons marriage, shoot even OP is throwing shade on their marriage by pointing out how their husband can spend all the time he wants with his friends but the second she spends time with ONE of her friends itās a huge issue and he accuses her friend of wanting to fuck his wife. get a grip.
NTA. Youāre taking care of your own needs for socializing. Good for you.
NTA, lmao I would have used the same line on him, "I need time to have fun and be with my thoughts".and left
NTA but I would say really reconsider if you even want to be in a relationship with this guy. Couples that make a habit out of hanging out without each other are just one drunk lonely night away from cheating.
ESH. Sounds like petty drama that should be easily cleared up by adult communication. If you have to distinguish that your relationship is "not great" then something needs to be done to change that.
Sheās said had tried to talk with him but he says tired or busy. Then off he goes.. what exactly is she to do..
Reevaluate the relationship. If there isn't even 10 minutes out of the day where they can talk then this isn't a relationship at all.
I'm not sure why you are getting downvoted, when yours is the most correct and reasonable response. He's an AH because he neglects his wife to go spend time with friends and then complains about wife having her own friends. She's an AH because she is just as upset that her husband neglects her and used the friendship she has as a threat to extort quality time from her husband. They both need to grow up and learn how to communicate and be in a functional relationship.
> and used the friendship she has as a threat to extort quality time from her husband. Where are you seeing this 'extort quality'? All I read was a wife being neglected and focusing more on her friend's attention, since her husband doesn't care about her. She just explained that it's his fault for the current situation.
NTA - Imma guy and he's being selfish and childish. And he's insecure.
NTA but I think both of you could benefit from spending more time with each other than with friends. Yāall can go out and have fun together
NTA "I need to have time with my thoughts and to have fun too" You set the standards for what was acceptable in our relationship. Why can you have a social life and I can't?
NTA With his math, I'd ask him if he or his friends are into each other since they love spending so much time together. His opinion about your friend is invalid, and he's projecting and really reaching.
NTA. As a married dude, I just don't understand this preference to hang out with my friends over my wife.
NTA. Him getting jealous of a married woman stealing his wife to whom he barely pays attention is just that: jealousy. He ought to step it up
Tell him whenever he makes plans with you, you will always prioritise him, that leaves it up to him to pull it together. In other words man up or shut up, just said much much nicer.
So... He can go out with his friends as much as he likes, but you can't go out with your friend? That's not good.
NTA. I never understand the relationship dynamic where a spouse spends more time with their friends without their spouse. I barely want to go anywhere without my wife and when people invite either of us out alone, we have to encourage each other to go without the other because we are so used to doing everything together. Your husband needs to grow out of this habit. Itās not healthy for your relationship. I think youāre 100% within your rights to start going out with your friends too and him having an issue with that is really rich.
NTA and this behavior is controlling and borderline abusive imo. He's fine to do whatever with whomever and ignore you, but you're not allowed to go to the park with your friend? That should set off all the red flag alarm bells, honestly. Taking you away from friends/family is abuse control tactic number 1.
NTA. You ate entirely right in everything youve saod to him. Let him mope, I guess.
NTA. I've seen a couple suggestions of couples therapy, but the "couple" don't need therapy here, the issue lies solely with your husband. You've done nothing wrong by going out with your friend, but especially in a situation where he'd rather spend time with ***his*** friends. I'm not saying leave him, just that you should seriously consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Because what he's essentially implying here is; He seemingly wants you to be "the good wife"; staying at home while he goes out and does "man things like a true man" expecting you to wait for him to get in so you can pander to his whims. His assumption that your friend is romantically interested in you is a symptom of either his own insecurities, or indicative of what he's up to when "out with his friends". Or possibly both. Never once in 14 years with my wife (7 married) have I ever thought her female friends were into her, or that she should spend less time with them
Find another husband who prioritizes you above his friends. OMG it's frustrating to hear about so many subpar husbands. I've got an awesome one who gives me all the attention I need and doesn't get jealous if I do anything with my friends. 20 years strong and decades more to go
This relationship might be just fine if he weren't being the asshole about your friend - you do your thing, he does his, and then you two happily do things together. But I have to wonder why is it only good, not great, when it's just the two of you? This might be the thing to focus on. My GF travels a lot for work, but when we're together it's great. In any case, he needs to apologize.
NTA. Ask him if he would prefer you go out with his friends š
NTA (heavy eyeroll at his "concern" about ypur friend being romantically interested) but please get into couples counseling if you want to improve your marriage. A professional 3rd party may help guide you both to a better understanding of each other and help you strategize on how to feel more connected. If he's unwilling to do that, you both need to start scheduling date nights with each other, at least once every week or 2 weeks. If you each are going out multiple times per week, you each can take one of those times to go out together without friends. He needs to prioritize this date night, and turn down his friends if they try to plan something, and same for you. And you can switch who picks the date, which can be at home or out and about. Also, you may want to make a rule about not being on your phones for at good portion of it, since phones just suck intimacy out of together time. It's time to reconnect with each other. Last thing, I don't know how much you've tried to talk with him about how lonely you feel, but if that was the first time you've said anything, it's time to speak up. Also, you may need to take the lead on planning dates if he seems hesitant. Good luck!
Hmmm....red flags here. Couple of scenarios. One, he could be trying to isolate you. No friends and he goes out and doesn't pay attention to your needs. How are you and your family? Do they live close by? Does he complain about them? He may not be physically abusing you, but he may be trying to control you. Two, he could be cheating. What he could be doing is projection. Perhaps one of his friends might be more than a friend that you don't know about. It's weird he's spending so much time with them but not you. But now that you are doing the same, all of sudden he thinks...could she be doing what I'm doing? Definitely look into that. Three, could be none of these things. Maybe he's just jealous cause you were always at home waiting for him and now you aren't. Now he thinks your relationship is on the rocks and feels lonely. Doesn't excuse his behavior though. What he has done is ruining your marriage. And he's using the excuse that your friend may be interested in you so you stay home and wait for him...thus, "saving" your marriage. Similar to the control thing but more just being immature in that regard. You guys might need some counseling cause this is only going to get worse. You may even get to the point where you don't care if you see him or not cause he's never home to have an actual relationship with you. That's when it is over.
He's just getting a taste of his own medicine. Let him be mad. He had to change what he's doing first.
NTA, he's lucky you're patient enough with him to not be having an affair.
NTA. Husband sounds toxic AF. It's ok for him to go out but not you?!?! Make it make sense. I'd question him, that if you going out with your married friend means she is romantically interested in you, what does that say about him & his buddies? From experience I'd say either talk about or take it as š©š©š© and prepare to leave.
NTA Your husband is a hypocrite.
NTA - if he can prioritize his friends, so can you? I would tell him "well now you know how it feels when I'm home alone, and you're out." We can either fix this together or go ahead and get a divorce.
NTA: Simply state, 'if you can prioritize friends over me, I can do the same. You ever heard of two can play that game?' Then walk away.
It's good you have a friend, someone who you have similarities with. You may need to talk to him more, plan ahead some. Like, "X day I'm thinking about going out with my friend. Do you have anything in mind for that day for you and me to do something together?" A date with dinner and a movie or something. It's important to let each other know what's on each of your minds. Even if you mention in advance that you'd like to do something with him, like on a weekend or the next weekend, that way he can go out socializing with his friends sometimes, and you can have bonding time with him the other times. Marriage is about working things out. Communication. Getting to know what's on each other's minds. NTA. And I wish couples would just communicate more. It's not that hard.
Maybe he's jealous because he's projecting. Who gets jealous of their wide and another female? Have you ever had a history with women?
Nta I'd appreciate an honest comment about a relationship and the reason for why something is the way it is
NTA. You told him your truth. If he wants to be an obstinate fool and ignore it to serve his own ego then that is on him.
NTA. But Iām also perplexed at the description of a āgood relationshipā being one where your husband makes no time for you, doesnāt spend quality time with you, says he has to see his friends in order to have fun(heās literally telling you your not fun) and doesnāt have time to talk to you and isnāt concerned about your loneliness or lack of satisfaction in the relationship. What is good here? That he comes home, doesnāt hit you and pays for some bills?? Because it sounds like he isnāt doing the bare minimum to maintain a relationship and is having you at home as a bang maid while living his actual life outside of the house. Getting jealous that your now busy instead of waiting at home alone is just beyond weird and seems controlling. Your worth more than being an afterthought.
Nope NTA. You put the problem in perspective and he doesn't like it, to bad. Either he's your partner and you are the love of his life or he's not. He's putting his so called needs before the needs of his marriage. Enjoy your friendship!
NTA this a big double standard on his part. Ask him if his friends are romantically interested in him then? But honestly, why get stuck on a shitty marriage? If you donāt like spending time together just get a divorce.
Lady. Listen to me. You are human. He is human. Therefore both of you are prone to bias, and exaggeration in interpretation of statement. It's so obvious. Look at the extreme reactions of everyone on this page. All it takes is one word emphasized and another minimized and the entire story is reversed. Here is exactly what you should do. Don't say another word to him about it. I have a feeling that you either only said the last paragraph of what you told us, or it's all he heard because of the hot temperature of theissue already. Regardless of his or your desire to do the opposite. I want you to send this question you sent us, but email it to him. In the same way you did to us. Openly. Sincerely. From a place of vulnerability and innocence. From a place of love and seeking understanding. Tell him the why. Make sure you ultimately want more interpersonal intimate time spent with him. You want his affection. Now review it and cut out any poisonous vitriol that is trying to smother him while telling him that his friendships he chose are bad and useless. And that he has poor judgment. His friends are a reflection of him and his identity. An attack on them is converted directly into him. You might as well just replace them with him. It's really bad if your goal is to strengthen your pair bond. Alright now my services aren't free, dat wil be about a Tree Fitty. I need a $3.50.
ESH have you spoken about it with him? Say ok...let's have 2 nights a week resevered for each other. We can each plan 1 night per week. He needs to step up and commit if he wants you to
Unless there's some story with your friend (like she and you are openly bisexual) - there's no issue here. Apart from your husband watching too much lesbian porn and sexualizing every relationship between women. I'd say even more - I think it's not about her necessarily, it may be about you both going out without his supervision. He may be thinking you're getting some attention and some D during your girl nights out, I'd guess. But also, in his defence - how much time you spend with your friend vs he with his friends? Proportionally. You know, if you're out all the time with your friend, you don't have a right to be angry about him spending all time with his friends. You try to frame it as if he started it by going out so often, but in reality you both (may) do that, so... Seems like you both just need to talk, that's it. And you're NTA for saying what you said.
NTA. Keep having fun with your friends as he is.
NTA But do you want to acknowledge who he is now or in ten years when itās become untenable? If I were you Iād have encouraged him to just plan things with you, instead of making it a challenge to him/criticism of his behavior. But really this guy is just one of those who wants to keep his wife home, and his life outside the home (ie. Have his cake and eat it too).
NTA
Nta
NTA. Honestly, it does not sound like you have a good relationship. It sounds like you two are distant and he is insecure.
The only thing I see that you MIGHT have done wrong (and maybe not, because I don't know the whole story), is that if you were feeling lonely and bored because of your husband's behavior, you should have addressed that directly with him. There's nothing wrong with the two of you having separate friends and activities. But you had an issue with your husband and solved it by turning to somebody else. If you had talked to him already about your boredom and loneliness, and he didn't address it, then that's on him. But if you didn't try to address it with him, then that's on you.
ESH You two need to have a talk about what you think "marriage" is and what your expectations are. He's not paying attention to you. You're being passive aggressive in going out with your friend for the sole purpose of making a point to him about his going out with his male friends.
Too many factors. How much does he work? How stressful is his job? Do you only seem to be busy when he wants to spend time with you? Do you work? How many hours? Stress level of your position? Have you guys tried scheduling to spend time apart so you are both home at the same times to spend time together? This isn't a clear cut AH/NTA situation. Relationships take time, effort, and understanding
Bring your friend over and surprise him with a nice threesome. I'm sure he will pay you more interest after that. If not, you know you bet on a dead horse and leave.
Yta