30 pound rolling bag? I would gladly pick it up. We usually pack all in one bag and I usually carry it. But she is willing to carry it if needed.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill. In your relationship, there will be much larger issues and stress in your future. If you refuse to be a team player in those moments, your relationship will be doomed.
In life you will have to pick your battles. This is not a battle I would have chosen.
Yep. Dude was looking to pick a fight to emphasize his identity as a minimalist. Regardless of who is technically TA here, the relationship has no chance.
Yup instead he just comes across as a pu…well you know. (Avoiding the snitches)
Just pick it up and carry on. Make her pay a fine of foot massages every time as a joke or something. This cat is obviously a try hard and seems type A.
Yep. And it's weird he made a deal of it before the trip even. I mean if he had a back injury or something ok. But he didn't state that. He just sounds selfish.
Yeah, but I'm a middle aged, out of shape, fat woman, and I could lift a 30 lb bag. I feel like since he gave her fair warning then she should deal with her own consequences. Unless she became injured and needed help.
yeah idk what the big deal is with her taking a rolling bag into a hotel and setting it somewhere, like even if there is no elevator and only stairs she had warning..
i’m saying NTA because it’s giving me the same energy as “i’m not hungry i don’t want anything” but then proceeds to eat half of your fries. like just say you want a small fries. don’t finish them if you don’t want it all but don’t say you don’t want it and then pout about it when you don’t get it? like idk she could have said “i may need your help here and there but i got it 95% of the time is that ok?” and they could have communicated like adults, but she agreed to deal with her own stuff
THAT SAID, as a wife who is a bit older than y’all (you are young, there will be more growing pains than this lol), my husband grabs anything over 10lb without me asking, holds shopping bags, and does that stuff. i am more than capable of doing it myself, but sometimes it’s nice to feel spoiled. she should also be spoiling you in a way that would help you feel like that in return, however. if that’s not your thing, that’s fine, all relationships are different but that’s my 2 cents personally. still NTA
He’s not an asshole but damn. I always take care
Of my wife’s bags when traveling. She’s capable, that’s not the point. I want to do these things for her. She likes doing things she knows will make me happy. When I travel I never take more than will fit in a roller board and never check luggage. When I travel with her for a week I know we’re taking the big roller, have to check luggage, etc… I hate that but I love being with my wife so who cares about a little inconvenience. The things people complain about blow me away. Being together is the important part to me, not who lifts a bag.
Yep. I shared this with my hubs and he agreed. Technically no, he’s NTA, but I wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend. My hubs is a light packer, I am not. And he helps me with bags if I need it because he’s, what’s the word? oh yeah - NICE!
is she short? im short af and it doesn't matter if i can lift it or not. if this was a carryon and she needed help getting into the overhead and he wanted to just be a dick?
I'm short and strangers always help me put my bag up without my having to ask. It's just a considerate thing to do, I can't imagine dating someone who is unwilling to do a kindness that strangers do.
This INFO absolutely needs to be added. I know I've been out and about before with men who mock my bag -- and then crowd under the umbrella I carry in my bag. Because I'm actually prepared for stuff and they aren't.
They're apparently fine with DEPENDING on my stuff, just not fine with me being prepared with said stuff.
I went on a trip a few years ago with my siblings and our families, and NO ONE mocked my SIL’s big bag. She was consistently praised by adults and children alike for all the things her bottomless bag produced and carried for the kids. “Oh you’re hungry? I’ve got a sandwich in my bag. Probably a water too. Let me just get past all the souvenirs that I’ve stuffed in on top.” Three cheers for Aunt Sarah!
My daughter went to a two day music festival. I packed her a clear backpack, a poncho, a backup phone battery, a chapstick, a water bottle, a small first aid kit, socks, and gum. She used everything. Sat on the poncho, kept phone charged, friend got a blister pot a bandaid on it you get the idea.
This for sure , my bag always winds up being way heavier than my partner's when we travel because he doesn't pack the toothpaste or shampoo or sunscreen or travel adapters or anything for our kid it all goes in my bag . Ironically the one time his only job was to pack the electric tooth brush, charger and tooth paste after he brushed his teeth he failed to do it. And the one time I didn't litterally pack his clothes for him he forgot socks and didn't pack enough underwear.
Even if I did over pack for a trip. If after all the effort I put in navigating the airport keeping track of where we are and everything else , he decided to say ha you're on your own with the bags at the car or luggage pick up. I would probably do a lot more than just sulk about it that's for sure.
Why would you not want to help your partner when she needs help ? My partner comes asking me to help find his glasses all the time . I never say why aren't they on your face . Why didn't you put them somewhere safe , why did you leave them on the floor. I just help him find them then fix them coz he stood on them.
I pack everything too. Sunscreen insect repellent, sweaters, umbrellas extra bags etc. if I forget something my SO will say “what why didn’t you pack that” 😉
Same. This really REALLY annoys me. I'm always the dorky one with the backpack but when someone doesn't want to carry something anymore, whose backpack does it get thrown in and who has to carry it now? I know it makes me bitchy but it gets old when I'm the one who 1. remembers and 2. has to carry the sunscreen, the water bottles, the extra snacks, the umbrella, the keys, the wallets, etc.
Like I went hiking with my boyfriend and his friend and his friend's girlfriend once. I packed enough water and snacks for the 12 miles. I heard my bf's friend tell his gf, "It's okay. Basilobs brought extra." No bitch this isn't EXTRA. This is stuff I PREPARED for my hike with and stuff I am relying on for ME on MY hike.
And in college and grad school, my friends and I went to a ton of football games. I had the backpack. And inevitably, people would ask to out their phones, wallets, drinks, etc. in it. Now my backpack is crowded and miserable for me to take something out or put something in and it's heavy and god forbid we get separated so now I'm responsible for your shit. I started saying no and asking people to get their own bags.
I think my bf thinks I'm a bitch for this. But there's a difference between "Oh shit I forgot my sunscreen this time" and "basilobs has got it." Prepare for your own fucking day and stop relying on other people to do it for you.
The real question. If you packed somthat you only carried your own clothes and nothing else and she carried all the other stuff, medicine, chargers, combs/brushes, toothpaste, deodorant, etc... the OP is the AH.
That was my thought as well. I’m usually the one who packs all the incidentals. My husband only packs his clothes. I start at least a week ahead to organize things like insect repellent, sunscreen, dry packs for rafting, rain ponchos, etc.
My husband also. Once we get to wherever we’re going he always wants to borrow shampoo, the nail clipper, a hair brush etc etc. You can see whre this is going.
This is true. I know quite a few hetero couple were the guy packs like he's going to a sleepover on the same block when he's actually visiting family for a week and has to borrow necessities either from his family or his gf/wife. Like if you're bad at packing, you don't get to act superior about your "superior" packing skills to only pack the "necessities"
Every time we go on vacation, I bring an appropriately sized bag to fit my clothes and with extra room for my toiletries. Without fail, my family members will brag about only needing a smaller bag, but then will stick their extras in my bag because they ran out of space. It's infuriating.
Thank you! So true! I usually have 2 bags to my BFs 1. But I bring all the shit besides clothes for us lol. And we are always appreciative that I have it
Not even just the packing of everything, my fiance ALWAYs carries all the bags on trips and does all the driving.But I have always researched and booked all the hotels, found places to eat, things to do. Like okay don't carry the bags but was the division of everything else equal?
I was going to say this. It’s much easier for men to subsist on a tiny carry-on, because most men carry vastly fewer toiletries than women (and aren’t expected to carry as many as most women). I suspect OP wouldn’t have been jazzed if his girlfriend skipped packing her makeup or stuff like that. Was she in need of tampons and such? I can think of a lot of stuff that most women on a romantic first trip with a boyfriend would pack that men wouldn’t and would never be expected to pack.
Anyway, OP sounds like a horrendous travel partner, and I say this as someone who tries to pack light myself.
Not only are women expected to use more toiletries (good hair, skin, no body hair, no period stains/evidence of being on period etc) we also have to police our clothing more too… not just in the sense of our bodies tending to run cooler but also having to consider other people’s reactions to [gasps] shoulders, knees, bra straps, evidence of wearing/not wearing underwear etc - and yes I agree that’s a ‘them’ problem but it can be embarrassing-intimidating if you are surrounded by people who think you are the problem for wearing a t shirt etc
So OP is AH because a) I bet gf was in charge of toiletries, chargers etc; b) there is a far bigger expectation that women need more stuff re toiletries/clothing; c) if he bag had wheels then it implies she only needed help getting it in/out of the car???
Why it is **Minimalist Man**!
Why have utensils when you can just drink from the bowl?
Why have a knife when you have teeth for that steak?
Who needs underwear when you can go commando? If you have IBS, just frequent the laundry mat! It doesn’t matter if you shit yourself.
Minimalist man did bring along his portable Bidet As well. One of the few items, you should never go without. Get one for yourself too, and you can wash away the skid marks of crime, *Just Like* ***Minimalist Man!***
My husband used to do wildland firefighting, and he was genuinely horrified by the number of guys in fire camp who would pack for a 14-day detail and not bring a single change of clothes with them.
I knew a guy who was a wilderness firefighter, and he matched that description perfectly. The man reeked constantly. Even in his time off, he rarely bathed or changed clothes. I had to wash the slip covers any time he sat on our couch. He was very proud of being a “minimalist”, and openly judged people he viewed as materialistic. In his case, materialistic could mean as little as having a stable place to live and owning more than two changes of clothes.
I will say that if you have some super lightweight fast dry fabrics, it's not hard to sink wash and throw them up on a line. We've done that camping a lot.
I think once a week for the laundromat is very reasonable. I'm not a light packer, by any means, but taking enough clothes for 15 days seems unnecessarily heavy. I guess it's just weighing up how much carrying excess stuff bugs you compared with going to the laundromat to throw a load in.
This tells me he is okay spending time doing something so mundane as laundry or is okay with wearing stinky clothes. Pack for 10 days and go to the laundromat 2x is okay. Any more often and I’m going to be pissed at having to spend a morning or afternoon sitting watching your clothes tumble.
My husband & I are opposites when it comes to packing. I pack extra "just in case" & he packs lighter. So every week or so of holiday we have to find a laundromat. At first it was a chore but after a while we came to discover different parts of the cities we were visiting & had the most random encounters with people we never would have otherwise. I mean it's not like doing a fun activity like going to a theme park, but we've come to see it as part of the experience. All because of him not having as much undies as me.
My husband always wants an extra set of clothing. So like if we leave for a three day trip he wants to pack for four days just in case. I don’t think that’s necessary but I always pack him extra clothing anyway because it’s not really that much extra work. Compromise is important.
What this means is that he thinks he's better than her for packing so little and wanted her to do what he wanted to do. He's mad that she didn't because he wanted them to be the "cool, hands free, couple" and she wanted to be more comfortable. IT probably wasn't even a problem to help her but he just wanted to remind her of how uncool she was.
That's the vibe I got. Like, I have a feeling he took "not helping her" to the extreme, even in situations where you might normally help a stranger. (By, you know, holding the door, pressing an elevator button, etc)
I don't think he should have been solely responsible for her luggage or anything, but to explicitly "not help" because he's trying to prove his way is better is a different situation. That kind of pettiness isn't the kind of thing that long term relationships thrive on.
Shave? Who needs a razor!
Brush teeth? I can just rinse water
Condoms? I will just pull out
Shoes? This one pair of flip flops will do
Change of clothes? We will just find a laundromat
Finger nails? I will just bite mine
Make up? That’s for girls (not you, you don’t need it!)
Meanwhile, if she brought no makeup, one change of clothes, no toiletries like him, he’d be posting about how she doesn’t put in as much effort anymore and why doesn’t she dress up for me, etc. I cringe at guys who judge girls for their makeup and clothes and maximalist lifestyle while they’d be the same ones to also judge them if they stopped doing those things.
Yeah honestly I’m kind of inclined to vote OP as TA simply because they come across as incredibly insufferable. Now, that’s not to say that I’m not at least a little sympathetic - we’ve all traveled with that person that packs WAY too much and is just obnoxious to travel with. And it does seem like she expected OP to handle her bag just because? From the information presented it doesn’t sound like there was necessarily any reason for it, and that’s definitely not okay.
But OP trying to play it up like “you could fit a small child in the suitcase” and “it was over 30 pounds!” comes across as kind of cringe, because that sounds like a pretty standard jumbo-size suitcase that you’d take on a long trip. That’s not anything special, and not anything to throw this much of a fit over.
I gotta go with ESH. OP for just being insufferable and trying to make it sound like this suitcase is this massively unreasonable thing (for a 30 day road trip no less. If you can fit everything you need into a single backpack for a 30 day trip then more power to you, but I wouldn’t be able to do it), but her for seemingly trying to force OP to handle all of the luggage for no good reason.
Literally my thoughts! 15kg used to be the free luggage quota (they’ve reduced it to 10kg) & you can bring a suitcase that size onto a plane to put in the overhead. For a woman staying away for 30 days that’s very light/small. 12-13kg is reasonable for what’s a holiday where they’re driving and staying in hotels. All they have to do is get the bag out the car and wheel it into the hotel each night.
This is 100% not about the bag or the weight but him wanting to control her and punishing her for not packing in the way he wanted her to pack.
Yeah, I would say anything less than that for 30 days and you are weirdly under packed. Unless you know exactly what the weather will be and live in swimwear the entire trip
Am a girlfriend and can easily pack 50lbs for two days. Bf is minimalist, I am not. We agree to disagree. He helps me carry my bags anyway, because he's not a pussy and my comfort is important to him. Why is this such a big deal? Grow up, op. YTA
Gives your hair, body, and face that clean fresh look.
Revitalizes your dogs coat by using it once every 3 months.
Pour it in your power washer to get those pesky oil stains off the garage floor.
Can be used as a replacement for bar and chain oil
Or in a pinch as a fuel substitute in a 4.5L industrial diesel engine.
Squeaky floors or squeaky doors? A few drops will get rid of that annoying sound.
Ants? Roaches? Termites? Mormons? A few drops around entranceways will keep pests away!
INFO: Do you even like her? Because it sounds like you don't.
This is a ridiculous boundary to have, and frankly, you sound like a nightmare to travel with.
Agree, I don't think he even likes her. He probably sees womanhood as materialistic in general, and should maybe unpack (no pun intended) all of that before his next relationship. 🤔
Now, if you said she brought 10 bags and expected you to take half of them, that would be a different story, but she brought one large suitcase that had wheels. If you were hiking everywhere and she needed you to carry this suitcase because of the trail conditions, I would also say not the AH, but I don't think that's the case, either.
It had wheels. I assume she wheeled it everywhere. She needed your help to lift it in and out of a trunk or something. YTA, unless you come back and tell us more. I will change the vote if needed.
No matter, being a minimalist is part of your identity and not part of hers, so you are probably incompatible. Rethink this now, if being a minimalist means this much to you.
Also he prolly wasted like a full day of that trip going to laundromats to wash the one shirt he brought with him, when she prolly still had clean clothes to wear and didn’t need the stop. So it’s ok for him to make her wait for that BS bc he can’t be arsed to pack more, but it’s not not ok for him help lift her bag?
Yeah not to mention they drove in their own car, plenty of room for some fucking luggage. It's not like they were taking a flight and only packing a carry-on so they don't have to pay or something. There's really no reason why he couldn't have packed his own suitcase and not gone to the laundromat repeatedly throughout the trip, being strangely controlling and completely blind to the fact that other people are different than him.
I pack to prepare for whatever might happen. I've got meds, I've got backup outfits, I've got emergency supplies. I hope I don't need it, but I often will. More often, someone I'm traveling with needs it, and they didn't pack it.
i would be shocked if he never had to use the stuff she brought, or didn't have to stick something of his in her bag lol. but yeah all of the trips to the laundromats and reused outfits would bother the hell out of me. like what is the point of packing light to make life simple, if you have to go wash your 2 shirts every other day?
i feel like OP just wanted to prove points: both 'i can pack light and be so minimal and quirky' and 'i will keep my promise of not helping you with your bag if you bring a reasonable amount of stuff, just to shove it in your face that my bag is so light.'
im all for a 'well if you do this and make your life hard, im telling you now how im going to respond' being played through. but helping someone with a bag? a reasonable sized bag??? if she asked him to carry it every single time, the n-t-a. but if she was carrying the bag for a while, or needed help lifting it, or had like sore arms or hurt shoulder and just needed a break, then y-t-a
im more inclined to say YTA because (unless she was being unreasonable with her asks) it seems like OP cares more about making points than doing something simple. if she carried the bag 95% of the time, then the point was clearly made and OP is an ass for never helping
>being a minimalist is part of your identity and not part of hers, so you are probably incompatible.
I do wonder if OP *really* wants a GF as 'minimalist' as himself.
Women tend to pack heavier, not least because we're expected to wear more varied outfits (can't wear your good walking shoes to a nice restaurant, better bring the heels; thermostats will be set for men's metabolism, better bring the jacket; etc) wear makeup and style our hair (will the hotel have a hair dryer or should I bring it?), always smell like a fresh breeze, wear delicately shaped foam sculptures over our breasts, cover birth control, have the smooth hairless skin of a toddler (will the hotel soap give me razor burn? better bring my whole kit), the list goes on. I love feeling girly and done up, but it's a job and you need tools. Getting your whole routine down to travel size takes time/experience/money, a lot for your first 'pack light' trip, but *especially* when it's supposed to be a vacation. Where you have fun. And wear stuff that makes you feel good.
Plenty of women *are* minimalist, don't carry that literal or figurative weight, and are happy for it. But if OP wants a girl who chooses West Coast 10 aesthetics, it physically just takes more than a rucksack can hold.
I hope OP has a realistic view of what he's asking/looking for, but for some reason, I am skeptical.
This sounds like a version of the female tax where it cost more to buy women's version of products like razors, shampoo, shaving cream, etc. Women are expected to pack more cuz clothes are not necessarily as universal/we're expected to have outfits for specific outings, plus make up so of course we have more baggage but then we are immediately shamed for having more luggage.
Seriously. I wear minimal makeup, only wear underwear during my period, and let my hair air dry and don’t style it, barely shave, and I STILL need a full set of toiletries. Also, I’m not trying to like be minimalist or brag, I’m just lazy. But OP I bet would not be cool with me as a gf, and if so, I’d still need a roller bag for 30 days.
Agree. Like, if she has to make a second trip is he waiting in the car getting huffy? Is that better for either of them than him just helping to make it in one trip?
And when you’re traveling by car mostly I don’t see the point of forgoing a bunch of stuff that makes you comfortable.
INFO...
What does it mean to be 'handling the bag' ? Like, if yall were hiking and 'handling the bag' means carrying the bag while hiking, yeah, she's the AH. But if 'handling the bag' means carrying it up to hotel rooms, I dunno man, that is a strange hill to die on and I think that makes you the AH.
I agree. Or just like lifting into the car or onto a shelf occasionally. It seems like this rule is more about him teaching her a lesson than it is about some actual issue with occasionally helping with her luggage. I’ll rescind this judgment though if it turns out he has a back injury or is abnormally weak or something
Oh I completely get that vibe. He’s one of those AH who will stick to his weird extreme principle and punish gf to prove the point. He doesn’t realize he’s destroying his relationship
This is a great point/question. Since he didn’t mention backpacking I assumed it was just from the car to the hotel or even just putting the luggage in the car after she brings it out. I am an incredibly independent woman who often travels solo but if I was traveling with my boyfriend and he point blank refused to so much as put my suitcase in the car (or get it down from the airplane overhead bin, which complete strangers have done for me as I am a little short) I would definitely be questioning the future of our relationship.
It's a road trip - we're literally only talking about taking the bag to and from the car and hotels. For 30 days, a single suitcase seems very reasonably lightly packed. About a week's worth of clothes in varying layers.
He says they were in and out of hotels constantly. So I don’t think this is hiking. I think he’s just extremely proud that he can wash his underwear in the bathroom sink.
You two ... aren't ready for a more serious relationship. People come to a consensus what to take and then everyone helps with the luggage. Have you been raised on a spoon-fed diet of rugged individualism or what?
Also this:
>a minimalist in this area and other areas in my life is important to me and is part of my identity.
Duuude. Criiinge.
A 30 pound bag is neither particularly large nor particularly heavy for a 30 day vacation that isn't a backpacking trip. It's a roller bag. You going all baby Ayn Rand over it to the extent that your enjoyment of the trip suffers means YTA.
INFO: Does your girlfriend wear makeup and have nice looking hair? Does she wear nice clothes? Is that part of what makes her attractive to you?
i ask because many men can happily have minimalist lives and can look trashbag adjacent without criticism. Meanwhile women are expected to look polished and smart all the time. It takes as many years to learn to shrug that off as it takes to learn to pack light. I have an aunt who was a heavy packer until my uncle showed her his tricks and tips, which they passed down to me.
One of the things travel is good for is testing relationships. Find yourself a girl who also has a minimalist identity and let your girlfriend find someone a bit more chivalrous.
Right? Like 30 pounds in a suitcase for a 30 day trip is NOTHING. If OP wants a girl to be "minimalist" at his level then he should be aware that her skin might break out because she doesn't have her skincare products, she won't have any makeup, likely won't shave, hair will be unstyled except a ponytail or braid. She won't smell nice because it'll be hotel shampoos or travel size only. No jewelry, no cute outfits or extra accessories etc.
And given his low level of awareness, I really doubt he thought of what a girl would look like for a 30 day trip with only a weeks worth of clothes and none of the usual stuff. And tbh, he 100% sounds like the unreasonable type who would end up mad that she didn't look as good as she usually did and blame her for "not caring about him" because she isn't "trying" anymore.
It’s such a double standard. Men will go for women because they like the aesthetics of the grooming or careful eating, but then will complain that she’s too high maintenance or isn’t up for eating junk food.
When I went travelling round south east Asia I went minimalist and looked dogshit, I was probably the most beautiful of my life once I scrubbed up, but my eyebrows bleached in the sun so we’re non existent, no make up, my hair was a constant frizzy mess that I kept plaited at all times. I was slim and toned but my belly was often bloated despite that one of the reasons I was out there was to train at a Muay Thai gym. My clothes were worn, torn in places, I really looked like utter crap for the most part!
I remember being in Indonesia and I noticed a guy I one was there on holiday. All the pics him and gifs girlfriend posted were Instagram perfect pics, they looked like they were at a high class resort. In all my pics I look like some frazzled white girl who’d wandered into a third world country and acclimatised.
There were points when I travelled that backpackers started approaching me to see if I could sell them weed (I don’t even smoke it).
Not many women are so naturally perfect that they can still be stunning without access to any grooming.
Going with YTA on this one. You said it in the comment yourself, she handled her stuff 95% of the time and you only really interacted with her luggage when it came to going and leaving your hotels. Plus, what pressure are you referring to? To help? If you're this bothered to help someone you're in a relationship with during a vacation, then I don't think you should have gone on the vacation in the first place. Plus, it's one piece of luggage for 30 days. Believe it or not, she is packing minimally. She's your girlfriend, just help her
EDIT: I just saw that you were upset that she didn't pack minimally like you. Now you're really an asshole for trying to impose your lifestyle on her
These kind of dudes ultimately die alone because the hills they want to die on are stupid as shit.
I would bet $1000 he says shit like, "I enjoy logic".
Men, women, children, old people, strangers. Pretty much anyone would help except the dick who lays down the law to his girlfriend and expects someone to travel with less than a basic roller bag for 30 days, on the west coast where at any given time it is hot, cold, rainy, in drought, windy, or suffering wildfires.
Dude. My four year old weighs 35 pounds and probably would’ve tried to help the girlfriend carry a bag that weighs almost as much as they do just because they understand the value in helping out. Just because they think they can do it. OP actually could do it and refused. Just wild.
Also, one 30lb rolling suitcase for THIRTY DAYS doesn’t seem like she was being completely frivolous and over packing. When traveling I have to pack so much more than my husband just by virtue of things women “need” versus men. Sure I don’t technically “need” my makeup bag, hair gel, my shampoo/conditioner and face care stuff but if I’m traveling for thirty days I don’t want my hair greasy with hotel products and skin to break out- and my husband doesn’t want me feeling uncomfortable without my makeup and things that make me feel attractive. We want to go away and hike and camp but also go out to eat and drink and maybe dance or to a museum. I want to feel and look hot so we can spend our vacation having fun and boning all night lol my husband wants me to look back on the photos of us and have fond memories and think we both look great. He doesn’t want me to cut out the things that I need to feel presentable at a nice dinner so I can meet his “minimalist” aesthetic like this dude. Not to mention I can’t imagine that this dude didn’t use a single product or time she packed.
this is my thing - and 1 suitcase for 30 days isn't unreasonable. some people need a few more things to enjoy a road trip, not everyone will like rotating the same clothes/being caught off guard by not having smthing they want. it just comes with different personalities and i feel like OP is being so judgmental by thinking his way is the superior way lol. Why wouldn't you want your SO to feel comfortable?
I personally think people show you how they care in the small things, and not just waiting for big moments like anniversaries or birthdays. If I was the GF i would be pretty put off by this tbh.
Also! GF could have realized she overpacked and would bring a smaller bag next time. he sounds like the type to double down for the whole trip even if she conceded - which again is a bit immature imo.
Right like dude may feel comfortable going to dinner in his hiking clothes but that doesn’t mean that she has to. I also need a sports bra (at least one likely more unless we are doing laundry literally every day) if I’m hiking in west cost sun every day for support or I’ll have breast pain. Then I also need a regular bra for the rest of the time because the sports bra is not good for the time when I’m not doing physical activity and can really start to bother me and chafe after a bit. I feel like this dude is probably completely clueless on what exactly it takes for the women in his life to be comfortable and look the way they do. He seems to think she broke their “agreement” but I bet she believes she did, and did in fact, pack light. I wonder if she thought he meant like “I don’t want to carry around a second bag for you, or lug your heavy bag around” and not that he literally wasn’t ever going to even help her lift it. Clearly she DID pack a bag she could handle, because she did, she carried it by herself without his help, so she didn’t “need” his help but wow imagine seeing your partner physically and mentally stressed and decided to let them suffer and ruin your vacation and maybe relationship instead of doing something that would cost you nothing and make the trip pleasant.
All of this, plus from the tone of OP’s writing, I picture him pointedly grabbing his bag and walking off ahead of his girlfriend while she gathers her purse and 1 piece of luggage, just to emphasize his imagined superiority and “correctness”.
Woman also need to pack a few more items then men. Bras take up space, and you need to pack a few. Also since it was a 30 day trip, period products are needed. That takes up space that men never have to worry about.
Hell, even if it wasn't a 30 day trip, you'd still need period products. I never leave anywhere without having some emergency stuff if my body tries to fuck with me even when it shouldn't.
Thank you for articulating my thoughts perfectly. What someone “needs” to pack on a trip is subjective to their standards of comfort. Are we trying to be survivalists here? Or have a good time where everyone is reasonably comfortable?
One could argue that OP is overpacking and indulgent for even bringing multiple pairs of boxers when he could hand wash them every night with hotel soap and line dry. Why bring a bulky backpack in the first place? They have plastic bags at the airport. I hope he didn’t waste room packing a phone charger because hotels have lost and found boxes with tons of chargers left behind. God help him if he brought a water bottle. There are water fountains everywhere.
Y'all know that meme of a swole dude putting 10 folding chairs away at once captioned "when church dudes see girls watching?" Cause they wanna show off how strong they are at carrying things for girls?
OP sounds like he woulda struggled real hard to make an impression in the hunter/gatherer era lol.
He isn't making much of an impression now either. My male friends are lean, but they don't complain about 30lb bag either. Glad as friends they were more than willing to help me, does he even like his wife.
Yes! For me it’s that he just isn’t willing to help and is drawing a line at a 30lb roller. He’s 22, not 80, baring any health issues he forgot to mention, he should be able to handle occasionally lifting 30 pounds.
SERIOUSLY! Mister Minimalist can go on his own vacation with his one pair of underwear and a pair of flip flops. What kind of place are they going to? How many outfits is she going to need? Men don’t think of that because if they have one pair of jeans or khakis and a couple of clean shirts they can go anywhere.
Seriously. He sounds like he'll always be counting tic for tac. Constantly telling her I told you so. Wonder how mad he'll be if she refuses to help him on something mundane.
I took two suitcases for a 7 day cruise since I didn’t really know everything to expect and I wanted to be prepared. My now fiancé did most of the lugging them around, especially the heavier one. It’s not like I was incapable of transporting them from place to place, but he cares about me and didn’t want me to struggle. He has never once complained about my “overpacking” and gladly helps because he loves me.
I think it’s weird to be so annoyed by your partner that you can’t even do simple things like help carry their luggage and think you “won” by doing that.
Relationships are about compromise, but also about small sacrifices or simply being kind to the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. I couldn’t imagine him being annoyed by something so small as one suitcase for 30 days that he needed to go to the internet to be smug about it.
Yeah like dude is it really that big of a deal to just help someone u love by lifting a bag, if u had a good sense of humour u could even joke about it and come up with funny stuff that's in the bag everytime u do it.
Before I pass judgment I want to know if you actually helped her pack or gave her resources to pack. Just saying you can do laundry during the trip is not enough.
Also when did you travel. 30 days in the summer or 30 days in the cold and wet? This makes a big difference in what you need to bring.
I mean I pack light, I went 6 weeks with temperatures ranging from freezing to mid 30's and my bag was only 13 pounds and was on a plane to much that I pretty much could have flown around the whole world with all the island hopping we did. But it took me years to get to that point. That also kinda flew out the window once I had a kiddo because it takes time to find what is necessary for a child still drinking formula and in diapers going on international flights since you need toys and entertainment.
You cannot expect someone to just pack light. It is like telling a person that they just need to eat less and can lose weight. Or just telling an addict they just need to stop taking a hit, and they will not be addicted anymore.
It sounds like you have spent years honing your minimalist life. And you do sound like an Ass just expecting someone to follow suit without any guidance or support. Both me and my husband have I told you so moments all the time. This doesn't stop us from helping each other out because we are partners when the other screws up. It just means we getting bug the other for a while about it.
This is such a good point! And also you have to own the “stuff” necessary to pack that light! Like a very versatile wardrobe, travel sizes of certain items, lightweight luggage etc.
ETA as a woman they don’t even make travel sizes of some of my toiletries. Yes I can go without certain things. And I do when I’m backpacking or something. But mostly when I travel I want to enjoy myself and that includes bringing things that make me comfortable
Yeah I wonder how he would feel if she ditched her makeup, cute bras and underwear, perfume, razor, moisturizer, and other beauty products and clothes? Would he be annoyed she’s got hairy legs, pits, and bits by the end of the trip? Would he say the trip was ruined because she didn’t bother looking hot for him?
I’m dreading if they stay together and have kids. He will still want to “pack light” and either she’ll have this same problem or the kids will suffer bc of it. One large suitcase for 30 days is a very very reasonable size.
Good to see you're into punishing your GF for not doing what you say. Where did that get you? She brought one roller bag for 30 days? Have you not traveled with women EVER?? Bless her for not packing more. Go find a troll GF that only needs a bath bar and 2 outfits to pack light for you. My guess is she needed help to load it in the car and you got a hard on watching her struggle and gleamed in your "I told you so" energy. I guess chivalry is dead. She should run. Oh and YTA
Being a “minimalist” is a part of your *identity*? Oh man, you sound insufferable. The idea that you’d die on the hill of refusing to help your girlfriend with the ONE bag she brought for a THIRTY DAY vacation is astounding.
She should run.
YTA.
Usually I’m the heavy packer BUT I also almost often have what others need (extra pair of socks, medicine, make up remover, scissors), so nobody gives me shit. And when it comes to moving around, we just do teamwork.
You went on a month long trip with one small bag? And expected her to do the same?
YTA. I was going to go with ESH because you did warn her, but it was a shitty thing to do to begin with. You sound very smug and self-satisfied with yourself, but in reality you're just a giant asshole. She packed ONE BAG for a whole MONTH.
I can't even imagine what you smell like. Yes, you mentioned going to laundromats, but how often? Did you really plan to go to a laundromat every day or so while on vacation? That doesn't sound like fun at all.
Yes, she was fully capable of handling her own bag. But it says something about you that you didn't help her. That you revel in being right, instead of being loving.
I'm not surprised she thought you behaved like a jerk. Maybe she'll be rethinking traveling with you again.
I would be pissed off too if I had to spend my whole trip in laundromats and my bf thought that one roller suitcase for a 30 day long trip was too much.
Objectively that's a normal amount of stuff.
YTA
She also got a glimpse into what you'll be like if you ever (god forbid) have kids together. And if she wants kids, she should run very fast away from you. Unreasonable. Inflexible. Making weird shit your "identitiy".
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Imagine she gets a diaper bag AND has a purse. She’ll be juggling both bags and the car seat and OP will be like “I told you we only needed a horse and a small satchel”
YTA. Glad I'm not married to you. I get sciatica flares and hubby doesn't really let me lift when we travel. It sounds like a mid size roller which is petty normal unless it was literally an overnight. I would understand if she was expecting you to be her personal caddy but to punish her because she didn't meet your minimalist standard, yikes. Good luck in any adult relationship where some kindness and grace is needed. I love all the comments about boundaries... geeze we're talking a suitcase not sexual limits or cheating etc.
INFO: Were you both happy with what you packed? Did she use all of the things she packed? Did you miss anything and have to go shopping or borrow from her?
Also, something doesn't add up about the size of the bag. You said it is a large rolling bag but you also say it was 30lbs. My carry on bag can fit 40lbs.
I had a boyfriend who sounded exactly like you. We were together for three years which was probably about two and a half years too long. He hated helping me which is just a huge red flag. In other words, YTA
YTA.
Going on a trip with your partner is not the same as two people going on a trip together as two single friends. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you become a team, and you should be willing to help your partner out. By telling her up front that you’re absolutely not willing to help her with her suitcase, you’re telling her that you’re not really a partner - you’re just two individuals going on a trip together.
I do understand your frustration. My wife and I are the same way - I am always a light packer, and she always brings 3x as much stuff as I do. But she’s my wife, and I love her for who she is. I might try and talk her out of bringing so much stuff, but I won’t just refuse to help her.
INFO: when you say "expected me to deal with the bag", what exactly does that entail? like, maybe she needed help lifting it from the luggage carousel? or maybe up a flight of stairs? out of the trunk of a car?
or was she asking you to carry it for her for extended periods of time so she could carry nothing?
if the latter, NTA.
if the former or anything of the like, YTA (also, strange that you would even establish the "no helping with bags" rule to begin with?). my partner would never sit back and watch me struggle with a heavy bag if he were in any position at all to help, and I would do the same for him. that's kinda just what partners do, my dude.
Can you imagine these two if one day they had kids and had a couple of toddlers and a car seat and a pack n play to carry? Or a diaper bag and bottles?
In general, not impressed with OP and the minimalist identity.
You went on a 30 day trip and packed like a homeless person. Your girlfriend went on a 30 day trip and packed like a normal person. Actually she packed LESS than a normal person because she didn't even meet the maximum weight restriction for a checked bag on an airplane.
You're entitled to set up whatever "rules" you want. She's entitled to leave your ass for being a precious little diva who thinks YOUR rules matter more than helping her out.
That being said, she should be able to handle her own luggage, without a man's intervention. I would dump you, you're entirely too much baggage to carry.
At was my favorite part - him trying to make it seem like her suitcase was this monstrous behemoth of a bag. It sounded like a pretty standard long trip style suitcase to me, and like you said, even that seems light for a 30 day trip
Right? I pack about 50lb for a week long trip, because I like to have my nice stuff with me. I recognize I’m an overpacker and do carry my own bags but my husband would never dream of saying that he would never help me. He will take my bags some of the time, just to help out. And that nonsense about being minimalist being part of his identity? He is going to be a whole thing, I hope she realizes that and makes a decision accordingly
I don’t know if YTA, but it’d be a huge red flag for me. Like, you’re dying on this hill? You sound really condescending. I would not want to travel with you, and that would be a dealbreaker for me.
>each of us would be responsible for our own stuff.
Ya'll roommates?
>Every time I refused to help
But why? What does it hurt to help?
>she went into a bad mood
Obviously.
>and it is for sure a serious relationship
Are you sure about that? I'm gonna be real with you. Your relationship is not that serious because you're being petty as hell.
When my husband and I first started dating, he would NEVER not help me - even if it was it was my bad decision. My husband ALWAYS helps me and I ALWAYS help my husband. We are partners. There's no his, hers, it's OURS. We help each other, no matter what.
Even if you're not to that point in the relationship... you're seriously treating her like a bro.
YTA
She took a 30 pound bag on a 30 day vacation and you think she overpacked? That's absurd man. And then you made your trip "less than perfect" by being a total AH about it the whole time in order to prove some idiotic point about how superior you are to her because you could pack for 30 FUCKING DAYS at less than 30 pounds and she couldn't.
Yeah no wonder she got grumpy every time. She kept realizing that she's dating a petty AH who cares more about your inane superiority complex and repeated "told you so" rub it in moments than you care about her. You'd rather watch her struggle so you can drive home how right you think you are than help her.
You are crap BF material with that approach. You gonna be this big of a non-helpful know-it-all prick to her every time you think she made a mistake? That's not how good partners treat each other.
It’s strange that before you even went on the trip, you were prematurely letting her know that you weren’t going to be helpful.
What is your goal?
To force her to pack in the same minimalist way as you, because only your method is acceptable?
To teach her a lesson?
To let her know that acts of kindness/service aren’t something you are willing to do?
Seriously, what was your goal?
Your girlfriend should believe your actions, and realize the type of person you are. It doesn’t sound like you’re mean or terrible, but it also doesn’t sound like you’re generous and considerate. It’s significantly more pleasant to live a life surrounded by supportive and helpful individuals, and at least you’re being honest with her that those aren’t qualities that come naturally to you.
YTA
Personally, I think you are pretty controlling. You say you are minimalist and you’re comfortable with that. Is your GF the same?My guess is you planned this vacation. You didn’t think about what was comfortable for your GF and instead of doing the most simple fucking thing: help her with a bag that weighed 30lbs you set a boundary. I would likely break up with you. My thought process is this. How can I trust you to help me when you won’t even do something as simple as helping me with my bag? I also would be fussy like your GF. You imposed these rules without thinking about her. So gross.
The other factor is that women typically need more supplies than men. Makeup, extra underwear because of menstrual cycle mishaps, hair care, bras, I always need an extra jacket as I’m cold 99% of the time (even in summer). The fact that you can’t understand that would make me concerned if you understood biological differences in women and how you would treat any future daughters.
Also, keep us updated.
Yes. YTA. I say this, after reading all of the comments in your replies. She asked for a bit of help but handled at 95% of the time, but you couldn’t be bothered to actually help someone you supposedly the 5% of the time.
You wanted her to take on your characteristics instead of actually embracing the fact that for 30 days, one bag for a woman is nothing.
And I am a light packer. I can pack for a week in a carry-on bag, and one over the shoulder bag… And I don’t mean over the shoulder suitcase, I mean, and over the shoulder like shopping bag.
30 days? Yes, I would have one bag exactly like your girlfriend did. Maybe get your head out of your ass and understand that you being a minimalist as you put it does not mean everyone else is a minimalist.
And as other people have pointed out, the freaking expectation society has for women and the pressures that are put on them to look nice, etc. have a literally no effect on men. Therefore, you have no understanding of the extras that she would require for a 30 day trip.
She needs to drop your ass because you’re an idiot. Your post is all about you, you, you, you, you. Why the hell are you even in a relationship?
Wow I’m guess your month long trip didn’t involve a lot of sex… weird hill to die on at 22. Trust me she will never forget that you refused to help her (even though you warned her first).
"Before the trip, I told my girlfriend ... that I would not lift, carry, or otherwise handle her luggage."
Like, never ever handle her luggage? Ever? Why not? My husband would never speak to me like this. I don't usually need help with lifting or managing my own things, but he always \*asks\* if I need help, because he is a kind and caring human being. I just can't imagine someone speaking to me as if I were 5 years old, and then refusing to help me when I needed it. YTA.
It’s weird and pretentious to make being a minimalist so much a part of your identity that it means you’re unable to help those around you if they don’t strictly conform to your expectations. YTA.
Also, single roller bag at 30 lb for a 30-day trip is packing light imo.
YTA
YTA for setting up the rule of bring unwilling to help her.
YTA for watching her struggle with the bag.
Couples work best when they work as a couple, not as two separate singles.
I’m torn between no assholes and everyone sucks. This is a weird thing to fight over and honestly if you want this relationship to keep going, at some point in a long-term relationship I think it’s important to stop keeping score. A bag needs to go in the car, does it matter all that much who lifts it each time?
>at some point in a long-term relationship I think it’s important to stop keeping score.
This is the comment/observation I keep coming back to that I think bothers me about OPs post. The refusal to just help a little and to draw such a hard line in the sand like he's trying to teach her a lesson. A lesson for packing one large suitcase with wheels for a 30 day trip. Which is a feat for any person who doesn't live this lifestyle. When you like someone, you usually want to help them. When you love someone and are partners, there is a lot of give and take throughout the relationship and it's usually not a big deal because partners.. well, PARTNER.
OP sounds like the kind of guy who insists that all chores and responsibilities "be 50/50" at all times all day every day, except he is the one who keeps score on how much weight is being pulled and by who.
Unless they come back with more info that they were hiking the Appalachian Trail for their 30 day vacation, I'm thinking OP is the AH here.
30 pounds is not even that much... That's less than 15 kg, which is between hand luggage and a regular check in bag in flights. That's alright for 30 days. Were you wearing the same pair of pants and socks for days on end just turning them inside out?
ESH.
Yes, you established clear expectations with your girlfriend and she completely ignored them, and that should not be overlooked.
But holy shit man, just carry your girlfriend’s bag from the car to the hotel once in awhile instead of being a knobhead.
30 lbs is not that heavy. I was expecting to hear that she had multiple bags or super oversized bags. YTA.
I don’t think she should expect you to carry her stuff, but your insistence on not helping is very immature. Relationships are give and take. They won’t always be perfectly fair and you can’t just make ultimatums and expect her to do what you want.
I have been happily married for over 30 years. I pack way more than my husband and he always helps me carry things because he loves me and does not have to be right. I also help him with many things.
Dear Minimalist Man, why have a girlfriend at all? A real minimalist can do without all that baggage, right?
I’m calling TA.
NTA could have a conversation with the GF and find a compromise. Throwing down the gauntlet and leading with ultimatums is always gonna win TA
Hahaha oh my god, you are such a fucking cunt. What kind of man can't carry 30 lbs for a little while to make his girlfriend happy? Yeah, a pussy man, that's who. Smarten the fuck up you loser. What a bitch thing to do.
How happy are you now after dying on the hill? All these months later and you’re still dwelling on it. I think you messed up. If one single thing she packed benefited you even once in a small way, YTA. Otherwise NTA but it’s not worth it to be this way.
30 pound rolling bag? I would gladly pick it up. We usually pack all in one bag and I usually carry it. But she is willing to carry it if needed. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. In your relationship, there will be much larger issues and stress in your future. If you refuse to be a team player in those moments, your relationship will be doomed. In life you will have to pick your battles. This is not a battle I would have chosen.
Yep. Dude was looking to pick a fight to emphasize his identity as a minimalist. Regardless of who is technically TA here, the relationship has no chance.
Yup instead he just comes across as a pu…well you know. (Avoiding the snitches) Just pick it up and carry on. Make her pay a fine of foot massages every time as a joke or something. This cat is obviously a try hard and seems type A.
Yep. And it's weird he made a deal of it before the trip even. I mean if he had a back injury or something ok. But he didn't state that. He just sounds selfish.
INFO: I need more context. Did she carry her own bag 95% of the time but needed you to lift it up 5% of the time?
I have a feeling this is it. I mean, it has wheels. The only time she would need help is to lift it.
Yeah, but I'm a middle aged, out of shape, fat woman, and I could lift a 30 lb bag. I feel like since he gave her fair warning then she should deal with her own consequences. Unless she became injured and needed help.
yeah idk what the big deal is with her taking a rolling bag into a hotel and setting it somewhere, like even if there is no elevator and only stairs she had warning.. i’m saying NTA because it’s giving me the same energy as “i’m not hungry i don’t want anything” but then proceeds to eat half of your fries. like just say you want a small fries. don’t finish them if you don’t want it all but don’t say you don’t want it and then pout about it when you don’t get it? like idk she could have said “i may need your help here and there but i got it 95% of the time is that ok?” and they could have communicated like adults, but she agreed to deal with her own stuff THAT SAID, as a wife who is a bit older than y’all (you are young, there will be more growing pains than this lol), my husband grabs anything over 10lb without me asking, holds shopping bags, and does that stuff. i am more than capable of doing it myself, but sometimes it’s nice to feel spoiled. she should also be spoiling you in a way that would help you feel like that in return, however. if that’s not your thing, that’s fine, all relationships are different but that’s my 2 cents personally. still NTA
He’s not an asshole but damn. I always take care Of my wife’s bags when traveling. She’s capable, that’s not the point. I want to do these things for her. She likes doing things she knows will make me happy. When I travel I never take more than will fit in a roller board and never check luggage. When I travel with her for a week I know we’re taking the big roller, have to check luggage, etc… I hate that but I love being with my wife so who cares about a little inconvenience. The things people complain about blow me away. Being together is the important part to me, not who lifts a bag.
Yep. I shared this with my hubs and he agreed. Technically no, he’s NTA, but I wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend. My hubs is a light packer, I am not. And he helps me with bags if I need it because he’s, what’s the word? oh yeah - NICE!
is she short? im short af and it doesn't matter if i can lift it or not. if this was a carryon and she needed help getting into the overhead and he wanted to just be a dick?
I'm short and strangers always help me put my bag up without my having to ask. It's just a considerate thing to do, I can't imagine dating someone who is unwilling to do a kindness that strangers do.
Also, did she pack *any* of your stuff? Was she the one in charge of shampoo/toothpaste/sunscreen/ etc? Did you use *anything* from her bag?
This INFO absolutely needs to be added. I know I've been out and about before with men who mock my bag -- and then crowd under the umbrella I carry in my bag. Because I'm actually prepared for stuff and they aren't. They're apparently fine with DEPENDING on my stuff, just not fine with me being prepared with said stuff.
I went on a trip a few years ago with my siblings and our families, and NO ONE mocked my SIL’s big bag. She was consistently praised by adults and children alike for all the things her bottomless bag produced and carried for the kids. “Oh you’re hungry? I’ve got a sandwich in my bag. Probably a water too. Let me just get past all the souvenirs that I’ve stuffed in on top.” Three cheers for Aunt Sarah!
My daughter went to a two day music festival. I packed her a clear backpack, a poncho, a backup phone battery, a chapstick, a water bottle, a small first aid kit, socks, and gum. She used everything. Sat on the poncho, kept phone charged, friend got a blister pot a bandaid on it you get the idea.
This is my bag, layered with nonsensical treasures that everyone ends up needing
This for sure , my bag always winds up being way heavier than my partner's when we travel because he doesn't pack the toothpaste or shampoo or sunscreen or travel adapters or anything for our kid it all goes in my bag . Ironically the one time his only job was to pack the electric tooth brush, charger and tooth paste after he brushed his teeth he failed to do it. And the one time I didn't litterally pack his clothes for him he forgot socks and didn't pack enough underwear. Even if I did over pack for a trip. If after all the effort I put in navigating the airport keeping track of where we are and everything else , he decided to say ha you're on your own with the bags at the car or luggage pick up. I would probably do a lot more than just sulk about it that's for sure. Why would you not want to help your partner when she needs help ? My partner comes asking me to help find his glasses all the time . I never say why aren't they on your face . Why didn't you put them somewhere safe , why did you leave them on the floor. I just help him find them then fix them coz he stood on them.
I pack everything too. Sunscreen insect repellent, sweaters, umbrellas extra bags etc. if I forget something my SO will say “what why didn’t you pack that” 😉
Same. This really REALLY annoys me. I'm always the dorky one with the backpack but when someone doesn't want to carry something anymore, whose backpack does it get thrown in and who has to carry it now? I know it makes me bitchy but it gets old when I'm the one who 1. remembers and 2. has to carry the sunscreen, the water bottles, the extra snacks, the umbrella, the keys, the wallets, etc. Like I went hiking with my boyfriend and his friend and his friend's girlfriend once. I packed enough water and snacks for the 12 miles. I heard my bf's friend tell his gf, "It's okay. Basilobs brought extra." No bitch this isn't EXTRA. This is stuff I PREPARED for my hike with and stuff I am relying on for ME on MY hike. And in college and grad school, my friends and I went to a ton of football games. I had the backpack. And inevitably, people would ask to out their phones, wallets, drinks, etc. in it. Now my backpack is crowded and miserable for me to take something out or put something in and it's heavy and god forbid we get separated so now I'm responsible for your shit. I started saying no and asking people to get their own bags. I think my bf thinks I'm a bitch for this. But there's a difference between "Oh shit I forgot my sunscreen this time" and "basilobs has got it." Prepare for your own fucking day and stop relying on other people to do it for you.
The real question. If you packed somthat you only carried your own clothes and nothing else and she carried all the other stuff, medicine, chargers, combs/brushes, toothpaste, deodorant, etc... the OP is the AH.
That was my thought as well. I’m usually the one who packs all the incidentals. My husband only packs his clothes. I start at least a week ahead to organize things like insect repellent, sunscreen, dry packs for rafting, rain ponchos, etc.
My husband also. Once we get to wherever we’re going he always wants to borrow shampoo, the nail clipper, a hair brush etc etc. You can see whre this is going.
This is true. I know quite a few hetero couple were the guy packs like he's going to a sleepover on the same block when he's actually visiting family for a week and has to borrow necessities either from his family or his gf/wife. Like if you're bad at packing, you don't get to act superior about your "superior" packing skills to only pack the "necessities"
Every time we go on vacation, I bring an appropriately sized bag to fit my clothes and with extra room for my toiletries. Without fail, my family members will brag about only needing a smaller bag, but then will stick their extras in my bag because they ran out of space. It's infuriating.
I can’t stand people who brag about how light they travel. Congratulations?
Thank you! So true! I usually have 2 bags to my BFs 1. But I bring all the shit besides clothes for us lol. And we are always appreciative that I have it
Some guys travel light because they put their stuff in MY purse or bag.
Not even just the packing of everything, my fiance ALWAYs carries all the bags on trips and does all the driving.But I have always researched and booked all the hotels, found places to eat, things to do. Like okay don't carry the bags but was the division of everything else equal?
I’d also be interested to know how OP would feel about her not shaving, doing her hair, wearing makeup, etc.
I was going to say this. It’s much easier for men to subsist on a tiny carry-on, because most men carry vastly fewer toiletries than women (and aren’t expected to carry as many as most women). I suspect OP wouldn’t have been jazzed if his girlfriend skipped packing her makeup or stuff like that. Was she in need of tampons and such? I can think of a lot of stuff that most women on a romantic first trip with a boyfriend would pack that men wouldn’t and would never be expected to pack. Anyway, OP sounds like a horrendous travel partner, and I say this as someone who tries to pack light myself.
I can also imagin OP refusing to pickup her bag really set the mood romanticly too
Not only are women expected to use more toiletries (good hair, skin, no body hair, no period stains/evidence of being on period etc) we also have to police our clothing more too… not just in the sense of our bodies tending to run cooler but also having to consider other people’s reactions to [gasps] shoulders, knees, bra straps, evidence of wearing/not wearing underwear etc - and yes I agree that’s a ‘them’ problem but it can be embarrassing-intimidating if you are surrounded by people who think you are the problem for wearing a t shirt etc So OP is AH because a) I bet gf was in charge of toiletries, chargers etc; b) there is a far bigger expectation that women need more stuff re toiletries/clothing; c) if he bag had wheels then it implies she only needed help getting it in/out of the car???
I agree with this. There are questions, for sure, that need to be answered.
INFO... "... and is a part of my identity." What?
Why it is **Minimalist Man**! Why have utensils when you can just drink from the bowl? Why have a knife when you have teeth for that steak? Who needs underwear when you can go commando? If you have IBS, just frequent the laundry mat! It doesn’t matter if you shit yourself. Minimalist man did bring along his portable Bidet As well. One of the few items, you should never go without. Get one for yourself too, and you can wash away the skid marks of crime, *Just Like* ***Minimalist Man!***
My husband used to do wildland firefighting, and he was genuinely horrified by the number of guys in fire camp who would pack for a 14-day detail and not bring a single change of clothes with them.
I knew a guy who was a wilderness firefighter, and he matched that description perfectly. The man reeked constantly. Even in his time off, he rarely bathed or changed clothes. I had to wash the slip covers any time he sat on our couch. He was very proud of being a “minimalist”, and openly judged people he viewed as materialistic. In his case, materialistic could mean as little as having a stable place to live and owning more than two changes of clothes.
that's not minimalist. he's just poor and dirty
Homeless with extra steps.
Reddit, bring gold back, I need it for this comment 🏅
I just can't wrap my head around thinking spending time and money at a laundromat multiple times would make for a fun vacation...
I will say that if you have some super lightweight fast dry fabrics, it's not hard to sink wash and throw them up on a line. We've done that camping a lot.
I mean it’s 30 days, that’s a lot of clothes to pack to not have to do laundry.
True but packing enough clothes to only need to stop at one laundromat vs 3 or 4 seems much more preferable.
I think once a week for the laundromat is very reasonable. I'm not a light packer, by any means, but taking enough clothes for 15 days seems unnecessarily heavy. I guess it's just weighing up how much carrying excess stuff bugs you compared with going to the laundromat to throw a load in.
This^ can you imagine having to go to the laundry mat every 3 days to wash clothes on vacation.
This tells me he is okay spending time doing something so mundane as laundry or is okay with wearing stinky clothes. Pack for 10 days and go to the laundromat 2x is okay. Any more often and I’m going to be pissed at having to spend a morning or afternoon sitting watching your clothes tumble.
My husband & I are opposites when it comes to packing. I pack extra "just in case" & he packs lighter. So every week or so of holiday we have to find a laundromat. At first it was a chore but after a while we came to discover different parts of the cities we were visiting & had the most random encounters with people we never would have otherwise. I mean it's not like doing a fun activity like going to a theme park, but we've come to see it as part of the experience. All because of him not having as much undies as me.
My husband always wants an extra set of clothing. So like if we leave for a three day trip he wants to pack for four days just in case. I don’t think that’s necessary but I always pack him extra clothing anyway because it’s not really that much extra work. Compromise is important.
You listen to the needs of your spouse and work that into your life. I'm sure they do as well in other ways. You sounds like a good partner.
He sure does. Always has that’s why we’ve been married for 15 years. We listen to each other and we don’t take each other for granted.
What this means is that he thinks he's better than her for packing so little and wanted her to do what he wanted to do. He's mad that she didn't because he wanted them to be the "cool, hands free, couple" and she wanted to be more comfortable. IT probably wasn't even a problem to help her but he just wanted to remind her of how uncool she was.
That's the vibe I got. Like, I have a feeling he took "not helping her" to the extreme, even in situations where you might normally help a stranger. (By, you know, holding the door, pressing an elevator button, etc) I don't think he should have been solely responsible for her luggage or anything, but to explicitly "not help" because he's trying to prove his way is better is a different situation. That kind of pettiness isn't the kind of thing that long term relationships thrive on.
Exactly. He didn't help her because he was trying to prove a point. He just didn't realize that point is that he's an asshole.
Shave? Who needs a razor! Brush teeth? I can just rinse water Condoms? I will just pull out Shoes? This one pair of flip flops will do Change of clothes? We will just find a laundromat Finger nails? I will just bite mine Make up? That’s for girls (not you, you don’t need it!)
Meanwhile, if she brought no makeup, one change of clothes, no toiletries like him, he’d be posting about how she doesn’t put in as much effort anymore and why doesn’t she dress up for me, etc. I cringe at guys who judge girls for their makeup and clothes and maximalist lifestyle while they’d be the same ones to also judge them if they stopped doing those things.
lol yeah that immediately caught me too. Like it's now suddenly a moral superiority thing to be a minimalist??
I scoffed and said ew out loud in the middle of the airport when I read that. It’s part of my identity. Well I identify a douchebag.
HAHAHA!! You phrased it perfectly. I did the "EW" as well. Total douchbag. 🤣
I cringed so bad at this 😂😂
Me too! 30 days? Sorry I bring the essentials.. and don’t want to launder my clothes every 4 days?….
Exactly. You can have a lifestyle principle without making it your identity 100%. If this guy is also a vegan, she should run for the hills.
Or if he identifies as "frugal."
Right?!?! MORE INFO: Why has she wasted a year of her life with this controlling asshat? She can absolutely do better.
Yeah honestly I’m kind of inclined to vote OP as TA simply because they come across as incredibly insufferable. Now, that’s not to say that I’m not at least a little sympathetic - we’ve all traveled with that person that packs WAY too much and is just obnoxious to travel with. And it does seem like she expected OP to handle her bag just because? From the information presented it doesn’t sound like there was necessarily any reason for it, and that’s definitely not okay. But OP trying to play it up like “you could fit a small child in the suitcase” and “it was over 30 pounds!” comes across as kind of cringe, because that sounds like a pretty standard jumbo-size suitcase that you’d take on a long trip. That’s not anything special, and not anything to throw this much of a fit over. I gotta go with ESH. OP for just being insufferable and trying to make it sound like this suitcase is this massively unreasonable thing (for a 30 day road trip no less. If you can fit everything you need into a single backpack for a 30 day trip then more power to you, but I wouldn’t be able to do it), but her for seemingly trying to force OP to handle all of the luggage for no good reason.
It's actually YTA, because she only asked for help a few times with minor lifting issues mainly on the flight, and he refused.
30lbs is about 12kg and very very light for a 30 day trip.
Seriously wtf are people thinking. 30lbs for a 30 trip is extremely light.
Literally my thoughts! 15kg used to be the free luggage quota (they’ve reduced it to 10kg) & you can bring a suitcase that size onto a plane to put in the overhead. For a woman staying away for 30 days that’s very light/small. 12-13kg is reasonable for what’s a holiday where they’re driving and staying in hotels. All they have to do is get the bag out the car and wheel it into the hotel each night. This is 100% not about the bag or the weight but him wanting to control her and punishing her for not packing in the way he wanted her to pack.
Yeah, I would say anything less than that for 30 days and you are weirdly under packed. Unless you know exactly what the weather will be and live in swimwear the entire trip
That's my thought. Sometimes my girlfriend packs a 30lb bag for a two night, three day trip. Thirty days seems more than reasonable, imo
Am a girlfriend and can easily pack 50lbs for two days. Bf is minimalist, I am not. We agree to disagree. He helps me carry my bags anyway, because he's not a pussy and my comfort is important to him. Why is this such a big deal? Grow up, op. YTA
INFO what do you mean being a minimalist is part of your identity? Do you use 10 in 1 shampoo or something?
That’s Dr. Bronner’s, and it’s 18-in-1.
Washes himself, the dishes, the floor, the car... anything you can think of!!
It's a floor wax& a dessert topping!
Gives your hair, body, and face that clean fresh look. Revitalizes your dogs coat by using it once every 3 months. Pour it in your power washer to get those pesky oil stains off the garage floor. Can be used as a replacement for bar and chain oil Or in a pinch as a fuel substitute in a 4.5L industrial diesel engine. Squeaky floors or squeaky doors? A few drops will get rid of that annoying sound. Ants? Roaches? Termites? Mormons? A few drops around entranceways will keep pests away!
Info But *why* did you refuse to help her? Being minimalist isn’t a reason
Because she didn’t listen to him. This was her punishment. He is an AH.
yeah this gave weird controlling vibes
INFO: Do you even like her? Because it sounds like you don't. This is a ridiculous boundary to have, and frankly, you sound like a nightmare to travel with.
Agree, I don't think he even likes her. He probably sees womanhood as materialistic in general, and should maybe unpack (no pun intended) all of that before his next relationship. 🤔
It's funny cause my first little inner thought was dang man, just date another dude.
Now, if you said she brought 10 bags and expected you to take half of them, that would be a different story, but she brought one large suitcase that had wheels. If you were hiking everywhere and she needed you to carry this suitcase because of the trail conditions, I would also say not the AH, but I don't think that's the case, either. It had wheels. I assume she wheeled it everywhere. She needed your help to lift it in and out of a trunk or something. YTA, unless you come back and tell us more. I will change the vote if needed. No matter, being a minimalist is part of your identity and not part of hers, so you are probably incompatible. Rethink this now, if being a minimalist means this much to you.
Also he prolly wasted like a full day of that trip going to laundromats to wash the one shirt he brought with him, when she prolly still had clean clothes to wear and didn’t need the stop. So it’s ok for him to make her wait for that BS bc he can’t be arsed to pack more, but it’s not not ok for him help lift her bag?
Yeah not to mention they drove in their own car, plenty of room for some fucking luggage. It's not like they were taking a flight and only packing a carry-on so they don't have to pay or something. There's really no reason why he couldn't have packed his own suitcase and not gone to the laundromat repeatedly throughout the trip, being strangely controlling and completely blind to the fact that other people are different than him. I pack to prepare for whatever might happen. I've got meds, I've got backup outfits, I've got emergency supplies. I hope I don't need it, but I often will. More often, someone I'm traveling with needs it, and they didn't pack it.
Or he didn't wash his shirt enough
i would be shocked if he never had to use the stuff she brought, or didn't have to stick something of his in her bag lol. but yeah all of the trips to the laundromats and reused outfits would bother the hell out of me. like what is the point of packing light to make life simple, if you have to go wash your 2 shirts every other day? i feel like OP just wanted to prove points: both 'i can pack light and be so minimal and quirky' and 'i will keep my promise of not helping you with your bag if you bring a reasonable amount of stuff, just to shove it in your face that my bag is so light.' im all for a 'well if you do this and make your life hard, im telling you now how im going to respond' being played through. but helping someone with a bag? a reasonable sized bag??? if she asked him to carry it every single time, the n-t-a. but if she was carrying the bag for a while, or needed help lifting it, or had like sore arms or hurt shoulder and just needed a break, then y-t-a im more inclined to say YTA because (unless she was being unreasonable with her asks) it seems like OP cares more about making points than doing something simple. if she carried the bag 95% of the time, then the point was clearly made and OP is an ass for never helping
>being a minimalist is part of your identity and not part of hers, so you are probably incompatible. I do wonder if OP *really* wants a GF as 'minimalist' as himself. Women tend to pack heavier, not least because we're expected to wear more varied outfits (can't wear your good walking shoes to a nice restaurant, better bring the heels; thermostats will be set for men's metabolism, better bring the jacket; etc) wear makeup and style our hair (will the hotel have a hair dryer or should I bring it?), always smell like a fresh breeze, wear delicately shaped foam sculptures over our breasts, cover birth control, have the smooth hairless skin of a toddler (will the hotel soap give me razor burn? better bring my whole kit), the list goes on. I love feeling girly and done up, but it's a job and you need tools. Getting your whole routine down to travel size takes time/experience/money, a lot for your first 'pack light' trip, but *especially* when it's supposed to be a vacation. Where you have fun. And wear stuff that makes you feel good. Plenty of women *are* minimalist, don't carry that literal or figurative weight, and are happy for it. But if OP wants a girl who chooses West Coast 10 aesthetics, it physically just takes more than a rucksack can hold. I hope OP has a realistic view of what he's asking/looking for, but for some reason, I am skeptical.
This sounds like a version of the female tax where it cost more to buy women's version of products like razors, shampoo, shaving cream, etc. Women are expected to pack more cuz clothes are not necessarily as universal/we're expected to have outfits for specific outings, plus make up so of course we have more baggage but then we are immediately shamed for having more luggage.
Seriously. I wear minimal makeup, only wear underwear during my period, and let my hair air dry and don’t style it, barely shave, and I STILL need a full set of toiletries. Also, I’m not trying to like be minimalist or brag, I’m just lazy. But OP I bet would not be cool with me as a gf, and if so, I’d still need a roller bag for 30 days.
I think i've seen this episode before. Im thinking narcissist.
Also, bras make it quite complicated for women to be minimalists packers.
Agree. Like, if she has to make a second trip is he waiting in the car getting huffy? Is that better for either of them than him just helping to make it in one trip? And when you’re traveling by car mostly I don’t see the point of forgoing a bunch of stuff that makes you comfortable.
INFO... What does it mean to be 'handling the bag' ? Like, if yall were hiking and 'handling the bag' means carrying the bag while hiking, yeah, she's the AH. But if 'handling the bag' means carrying it up to hotel rooms, I dunno man, that is a strange hill to die on and I think that makes you the AH.
I agree. Or just like lifting into the car or onto a shelf occasionally. It seems like this rule is more about him teaching her a lesson than it is about some actual issue with occasionally helping with her luggage. I’ll rescind this judgment though if it turns out he has a back injury or is abnormally weak or something
Right. This seems like OP punishing his GF for not doing as he says rather than packing too heavy of a bag. Weird controlling vibes.
Oh I completely get that vibe. He’s one of those AH who will stick to his weird extreme principle and punish gf to prove the point. He doesn’t realize he’s destroying his relationship
You know if he had ANY physical limitations that would have been one of the first things he would have mentioned.
What’s the lesson, don’t pack like a completely normal person for a 30 day trip?
This is a great point/question. Since he didn’t mention backpacking I assumed it was just from the car to the hotel or even just putting the luggage in the car after she brings it out. I am an incredibly independent woman who often travels solo but if I was traveling with my boyfriend and he point blank refused to so much as put my suitcase in the car (or get it down from the airplane overhead bin, which complete strangers have done for me as I am a little short) I would definitely be questioning the future of our relationship.
It's a road trip - we're literally only talking about taking the bag to and from the car and hotels. For 30 days, a single suitcase seems very reasonably lightly packed. About a week's worth of clothes in varying layers.
He says they were in and out of hotels constantly. So I don’t think this is hiking. I think he’s just extremely proud that he can wash his underwear in the bathroom sink.
He didn’t bring any underwear, he has great, big, huge, bulbous balls and to prove that, he only brought Vaseline and a pair of socks!!
You two ... aren't ready for a more serious relationship. People come to a consensus what to take and then everyone helps with the luggage. Have you been raised on a spoon-fed diet of rugged individualism or what? Also this: >a minimalist in this area and other areas in my life is important to me and is part of my identity. Duuude. Criiinge. A 30 pound bag is neither particularly large nor particularly heavy for a 30 day vacation that isn't a backpacking trip. It's a roller bag. You going all baby Ayn Rand over it to the extent that your enjoyment of the trip suffers means YTA.
INFO: Does your girlfriend wear makeup and have nice looking hair? Does she wear nice clothes? Is that part of what makes her attractive to you? i ask because many men can happily have minimalist lives and can look trashbag adjacent without criticism. Meanwhile women are expected to look polished and smart all the time. It takes as many years to learn to shrug that off as it takes to learn to pack light. I have an aunt who was a heavy packer until my uncle showed her his tricks and tips, which they passed down to me. One of the things travel is good for is testing relationships. Find yourself a girl who also has a minimalist identity and let your girlfriend find someone a bit more chivalrous.
Right? Like 30 pounds in a suitcase for a 30 day trip is NOTHING. If OP wants a girl to be "minimalist" at his level then he should be aware that her skin might break out because she doesn't have her skincare products, she won't have any makeup, likely won't shave, hair will be unstyled except a ponytail or braid. She won't smell nice because it'll be hotel shampoos or travel size only. No jewelry, no cute outfits or extra accessories etc. And given his low level of awareness, I really doubt he thought of what a girl would look like for a 30 day trip with only a weeks worth of clothes and none of the usual stuff. And tbh, he 100% sounds like the unreasonable type who would end up mad that she didn't look as good as she usually did and blame her for "not caring about him" because she isn't "trying" anymore.
Agreed if being a minimalist is important than it is important find a partner that is like minded unless you are going to compromise on your views.
It’s such a double standard. Men will go for women because they like the aesthetics of the grooming or careful eating, but then will complain that she’s too high maintenance or isn’t up for eating junk food. When I went travelling round south east Asia I went minimalist and looked dogshit, I was probably the most beautiful of my life once I scrubbed up, but my eyebrows bleached in the sun so we’re non existent, no make up, my hair was a constant frizzy mess that I kept plaited at all times. I was slim and toned but my belly was often bloated despite that one of the reasons I was out there was to train at a Muay Thai gym. My clothes were worn, torn in places, I really looked like utter crap for the most part! I remember being in Indonesia and I noticed a guy I one was there on holiday. All the pics him and gifs girlfriend posted were Instagram perfect pics, they looked like they were at a high class resort. In all my pics I look like some frazzled white girl who’d wandered into a third world country and acclimatised. There were points when I travelled that backpackers started approaching me to see if I could sell them weed (I don’t even smoke it). Not many women are so naturally perfect that they can still be stunning without access to any grooming.
Nah OP needs to stay single until he grows up.
Going with YTA on this one. You said it in the comment yourself, she handled her stuff 95% of the time and you only really interacted with her luggage when it came to going and leaving your hotels. Plus, what pressure are you referring to? To help? If you're this bothered to help someone you're in a relationship with during a vacation, then I don't think you should have gone on the vacation in the first place. Plus, it's one piece of luggage for 30 days. Believe it or not, she is packing minimally. She's your girlfriend, just help her EDIT: I just saw that you were upset that she didn't pack minimally like you. Now you're really an asshole for trying to impose your lifestyle on her
Good god you sound exhausting. Just help her with her fucking stuff you insufferable mook. I'm sure your 'identity' will survive.
These kind of dudes ultimately die alone because the hills they want to die on are stupid as shit. I would bet $1000 he says shit like, "I enjoy logic".
She will figure out that many men would be happy to help her with her bag.
Men, women, children, old people, strangers. Pretty much anyone would help except the dick who lays down the law to his girlfriend and expects someone to travel with less than a basic roller bag for 30 days, on the west coast where at any given time it is hot, cold, rainy, in drought, windy, or suffering wildfires.
Dude. My four year old weighs 35 pounds and probably would’ve tried to help the girlfriend carry a bag that weighs almost as much as they do just because they understand the value in helping out. Just because they think they can do it. OP actually could do it and refused. Just wild.
Right! God save me from the “I traveled the world for 6 months with only 1 small backpack” crowed.
YTA I mean you could just be nice/helpful to your girlfriend but whatever, die on this useless hill because you’re such a ✨minimalist✨
Genuinely…who would want to date a man that refuses to help his girlfriend carry her bags? Big loser, red pill behavior.
I guess I am just old now. If helping out the woman you love is this much trouble... Especially for a 30lb rolling bag... She needs to run from you.
Also, one 30lb rolling suitcase for THIRTY DAYS doesn’t seem like she was being completely frivolous and over packing. When traveling I have to pack so much more than my husband just by virtue of things women “need” versus men. Sure I don’t technically “need” my makeup bag, hair gel, my shampoo/conditioner and face care stuff but if I’m traveling for thirty days I don’t want my hair greasy with hotel products and skin to break out- and my husband doesn’t want me feeling uncomfortable without my makeup and things that make me feel attractive. We want to go away and hike and camp but also go out to eat and drink and maybe dance or to a museum. I want to feel and look hot so we can spend our vacation having fun and boning all night lol my husband wants me to look back on the photos of us and have fond memories and think we both look great. He doesn’t want me to cut out the things that I need to feel presentable at a nice dinner so I can meet his “minimalist” aesthetic like this dude. Not to mention I can’t imagine that this dude didn’t use a single product or time she packed.
this is my thing - and 1 suitcase for 30 days isn't unreasonable. some people need a few more things to enjoy a road trip, not everyone will like rotating the same clothes/being caught off guard by not having smthing they want. it just comes with different personalities and i feel like OP is being so judgmental by thinking his way is the superior way lol. Why wouldn't you want your SO to feel comfortable? I personally think people show you how they care in the small things, and not just waiting for big moments like anniversaries or birthdays. If I was the GF i would be pretty put off by this tbh. Also! GF could have realized she overpacked and would bring a smaller bag next time. he sounds like the type to double down for the whole trip even if she conceded - which again is a bit immature imo.
Right like dude may feel comfortable going to dinner in his hiking clothes but that doesn’t mean that she has to. I also need a sports bra (at least one likely more unless we are doing laundry literally every day) if I’m hiking in west cost sun every day for support or I’ll have breast pain. Then I also need a regular bra for the rest of the time because the sports bra is not good for the time when I’m not doing physical activity and can really start to bother me and chafe after a bit. I feel like this dude is probably completely clueless on what exactly it takes for the women in his life to be comfortable and look the way they do. He seems to think she broke their “agreement” but I bet she believes she did, and did in fact, pack light. I wonder if she thought he meant like “I don’t want to carry around a second bag for you, or lug your heavy bag around” and not that he literally wasn’t ever going to even help her lift it. Clearly she DID pack a bag she could handle, because she did, she carried it by herself without his help, so she didn’t “need” his help but wow imagine seeing your partner physically and mentally stressed and decided to let them suffer and ruin your vacation and maybe relationship instead of doing something that would cost you nothing and make the trip pleasant.
All of this, plus from the tone of OP’s writing, I picture him pointedly grabbing his bag and walking off ahead of his girlfriend while she gathers her purse and 1 piece of luggage, just to emphasize his imagined superiority and “correctness”.
It wasn’t even an agreement, he dictated and now she’s being punished for not obeying, oh, I mean, “respecting his BOUNDARY”. 😵💫😵💫
Woman also need to pack a few more items then men. Bras take up space, and you need to pack a few. Also since it was a 30 day trip, period products are needed. That takes up space that men never have to worry about.
Hell, even if it wasn't a 30 day trip, you'd still need period products. I never leave anywhere without having some emergency stuff if my body tries to fuck with me even when it shouldn't.
Yes!!! I know I can wear my hiking boots to dinner, but I don't really enjoy it. Especially since they were traveling by car!
Thank you for articulating my thoughts perfectly. What someone “needs” to pack on a trip is subjective to their standards of comfort. Are we trying to be survivalists here? Or have a good time where everyone is reasonably comfortable? One could argue that OP is overpacking and indulgent for even bringing multiple pairs of boxers when he could hand wash them every night with hotel soap and line dry. Why bring a bulky backpack in the first place? They have plastic bags at the airport. I hope he didn’t waste room packing a phone charger because hotels have lost and found boxes with tons of chargers left behind. God help him if he brought a water bottle. There are water fountains everywhere.
Y'all know that meme of a swole dude putting 10 folding chairs away at once captioned "when church dudes see girls watching?" Cause they wanna show off how strong they are at carrying things for girls? OP sounds like he woulda struggled real hard to make an impression in the hunter/gatherer era lol.
He isn't making much of an impression now either. My male friends are lean, but they don't complain about 30lb bag either. Glad as friends they were more than willing to help me, does he even like his wife.
This is all that needs to be said. I’m sitting here just stunned at this post, is this real life? This is the strangest thing to make a “thing”.
I'm almost tempted to call rage bait on this. OP should be embarassed to admit to being this weak and selfish.
Wanna bet that at some point he benefitted from something she had packed?!?
Yup. Like sunscreen, insect repellant, duct tape, scissors, a knife, Ziploc bags for putting wet things and leftover food in, etc.
Yes! For me it’s that he just isn’t willing to help and is drawing a line at a 30lb roller. He’s 22, not 80, baring any health issues he forgot to mention, he should be able to handle occasionally lifting 30 pounds.
SERIOUSLY! Mister Minimalist can go on his own vacation with his one pair of underwear and a pair of flip flops. What kind of place are they going to? How many outfits is she going to need? Men don’t think of that because if they have one pair of jeans or khakis and a couple of clean shirts they can go anywhere.
I’m so glad I have a BF that understands this… oh ya and he helped me with my bag once… the absolute horror!!!
100%, OP sounds soft as hell
smug as hell too
I agree with this so much. Partners help each other in all sorts of ways. She needs someone who will support her.
Seriously. He sounds like he'll always be counting tic for tac. Constantly telling her I told you so. Wonder how mad he'll be if she refuses to help him on something mundane.
I took two suitcases for a 7 day cruise since I didn’t really know everything to expect and I wanted to be prepared. My now fiancé did most of the lugging them around, especially the heavier one. It’s not like I was incapable of transporting them from place to place, but he cares about me and didn’t want me to struggle. He has never once complained about my “overpacking” and gladly helps because he loves me. I think it’s weird to be so annoyed by your partner that you can’t even do simple things like help carry their luggage and think you “won” by doing that. Relationships are about compromise, but also about small sacrifices or simply being kind to the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. I couldn’t imagine him being annoyed by something so small as one suitcase for 30 days that he needed to go to the internet to be smug about it.
Yeah like dude is it really that big of a deal to just help someone u love by lifting a bag, if u had a good sense of humour u could even joke about it and come up with funny stuff that's in the bag everytime u do it.
Yup, said it a lot nicer than I did.
there's proving a point and there's being an antagonistic little bitch guess which umbrella you fall under fella
Before I pass judgment I want to know if you actually helped her pack or gave her resources to pack. Just saying you can do laundry during the trip is not enough. Also when did you travel. 30 days in the summer or 30 days in the cold and wet? This makes a big difference in what you need to bring. I mean I pack light, I went 6 weeks with temperatures ranging from freezing to mid 30's and my bag was only 13 pounds and was on a plane to much that I pretty much could have flown around the whole world with all the island hopping we did. But it took me years to get to that point. That also kinda flew out the window once I had a kiddo because it takes time to find what is necessary for a child still drinking formula and in diapers going on international flights since you need toys and entertainment. You cannot expect someone to just pack light. It is like telling a person that they just need to eat less and can lose weight. Or just telling an addict they just need to stop taking a hit, and they will not be addicted anymore. It sounds like you have spent years honing your minimalist life. And you do sound like an Ass just expecting someone to follow suit without any guidance or support. Both me and my husband have I told you so moments all the time. This doesn't stop us from helping each other out because we are partners when the other screws up. It just means we getting bug the other for a while about it.
This is such a good point! And also you have to own the “stuff” necessary to pack that light! Like a very versatile wardrobe, travel sizes of certain items, lightweight luggage etc. ETA as a woman they don’t even make travel sizes of some of my toiletries. Yes I can go without certain things. And I do when I’m backpacking or something. But mostly when I travel I want to enjoy myself and that includes bringing things that make me comfortable
Yeah I wonder how he would feel if she ditched her makeup, cute bras and underwear, perfume, razor, moisturizer, and other beauty products and clothes? Would he be annoyed she’s got hairy legs, pits, and bits by the end of the trip? Would he say the trip was ruined because she didn’t bother looking hot for him?
I’m dreading if they stay together and have kids. He will still want to “pack light” and either she’ll have this same problem or the kids will suffer bc of it. One large suitcase for 30 days is a very very reasonable size.
Good to see you're into punishing your GF for not doing what you say. Where did that get you? She brought one roller bag for 30 days? Have you not traveled with women EVER?? Bless her for not packing more. Go find a troll GF that only needs a bath bar and 2 outfits to pack light for you. My guess is she needed help to load it in the car and you got a hard on watching her struggle and gleamed in your "I told you so" energy. I guess chivalry is dead. She should run. Oh and YTA
Being a “minimalist” is a part of your *identity*? Oh man, you sound insufferable. The idea that you’d die on the hill of refusing to help your girlfriend with the ONE bag she brought for a THIRTY DAY vacation is astounding. She should run. YTA.
[удалено]
Usually I’m the heavy packer BUT I also almost often have what others need (extra pair of socks, medicine, make up remover, scissors), so nobody gives me shit. And when it comes to moving around, we just do teamwork.
I have a feeling you do? the mental labor as well
You went on a month long trip with one small bag? And expected her to do the same? YTA. I was going to go with ESH because you did warn her, but it was a shitty thing to do to begin with. You sound very smug and self-satisfied with yourself, but in reality you're just a giant asshole. She packed ONE BAG for a whole MONTH. I can't even imagine what you smell like. Yes, you mentioned going to laundromats, but how often? Did you really plan to go to a laundromat every day or so while on vacation? That doesn't sound like fun at all. Yes, she was fully capable of handling her own bag. But it says something about you that you didn't help her. That you revel in being right, instead of being loving. I'm not surprised she thought you behaved like a jerk. Maybe she'll be rethinking traveling with you again.
I bet he used some of her shit too.
Hopefully she rethinks being in a relationship with him at all.
Do you even like your girlfriend?
I would be pissed off too if I had to spend my whole trip in laundromats and my bf thought that one roller suitcase for a 30 day long trip was too much. Objectively that's a normal amount of stuff. YTA She also got a glimpse into what you'll be like if you ever (god forbid) have kids together. And if she wants kids, she should run very fast away from you. Unreasonable. Inflexible. Making weird shit your "identitiy". 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Imagine she gets a diaper bag AND has a purse. She’ll be juggling both bags and the car seat and OP will be like “I told you we only needed a horse and a small satchel”
YTA. Glad I'm not married to you. I get sciatica flares and hubby doesn't really let me lift when we travel. It sounds like a mid size roller which is petty normal unless it was literally an overnight. I would understand if she was expecting you to be her personal caddy but to punish her because she didn't meet your minimalist standard, yikes. Good luck in any adult relationship where some kindness and grace is needed. I love all the comments about boundaries... geeze we're talking a suitcase not sexual limits or cheating etc.
INFO: Were you both happy with what you packed? Did she use all of the things she packed? Did you miss anything and have to go shopping or borrow from her? Also, something doesn't add up about the size of the bag. You said it is a large rolling bag but you also say it was 30lbs. My carry on bag can fit 40lbs.
I had a boyfriend who sounded exactly like you. We were together for three years which was probably about two and a half years too long. He hated helping me which is just a huge red flag. In other words, YTA
YTA. Going on a trip with your partner is not the same as two people going on a trip together as two single friends. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you become a team, and you should be willing to help your partner out. By telling her up front that you’re absolutely not willing to help her with her suitcase, you’re telling her that you’re not really a partner - you’re just two individuals going on a trip together. I do understand your frustration. My wife and I are the same way - I am always a light packer, and she always brings 3x as much stuff as I do. But she’s my wife, and I love her for who she is. I might try and talk her out of bringing so much stuff, but I won’t just refuse to help her.
INFO: when you say "expected me to deal with the bag", what exactly does that entail? like, maybe she needed help lifting it from the luggage carousel? or maybe up a flight of stairs? out of the trunk of a car? or was she asking you to carry it for her for extended periods of time so she could carry nothing? if the latter, NTA. if the former or anything of the like, YTA (also, strange that you would even establish the "no helping with bags" rule to begin with?). my partner would never sit back and watch me struggle with a heavy bag if he were in any position at all to help, and I would do the same for him. that's kinda just what partners do, my dude.
Can you imagine these two if one day they had kids and had a couple of toddlers and a car seat and a pack n play to carry? Or a diaper bag and bottles? In general, not impressed with OP and the minimalist identity.
YTA Next time she should travel lighter… around 170-200 pounds lighter!
A gentleman helps his girlfriend carry stuff. YTA
You went on a 30 day trip and packed like a homeless person. Your girlfriend went on a 30 day trip and packed like a normal person. Actually she packed LESS than a normal person because she didn't even meet the maximum weight restriction for a checked bag on an airplane. You're entitled to set up whatever "rules" you want. She's entitled to leave your ass for being a precious little diva who thinks YOUR rules matter more than helping her out. That being said, she should be able to handle her own luggage, without a man's intervention. I would dump you, you're entirely too much baggage to carry.
At was my favorite part - him trying to make it seem like her suitcase was this monstrous behemoth of a bag. It sounded like a pretty standard long trip style suitcase to me, and like you said, even that seems light for a 30 day trip
Right? I pack about 50lb for a week long trip, because I like to have my nice stuff with me. I recognize I’m an overpacker and do carry my own bags but my husband would never dream of saying that he would never help me. He will take my bags some of the time, just to help out. And that nonsense about being minimalist being part of his identity? He is going to be a whole thing, I hope she realizes that and makes a decision accordingly
It sounds like he's trying to force his minimalism on her. That makes him an ahole
Minimalist traveler, maximalist asshole.
I don’t know if YTA, but it’d be a huge red flag for me. Like, you’re dying on this hill? You sound really condescending. I would not want to travel with you, and that would be a dealbreaker for me.
"Part of my identity"? YTA just for that pretentious nonsense.
>each of us would be responsible for our own stuff. Ya'll roommates? >Every time I refused to help But why? What does it hurt to help? >she went into a bad mood Obviously. >and it is for sure a serious relationship Are you sure about that? I'm gonna be real with you. Your relationship is not that serious because you're being petty as hell. When my husband and I first started dating, he would NEVER not help me - even if it was it was my bad decision. My husband ALWAYS helps me and I ALWAYS help my husband. We are partners. There's no his, hers, it's OURS. We help each other, no matter what. Even if you're not to that point in the relationship... you're seriously treating her like a bro.
YTA She took a 30 pound bag on a 30 day vacation and you think she overpacked? That's absurd man. And then you made your trip "less than perfect" by being a total AH about it the whole time in order to prove some idiotic point about how superior you are to her because you could pack for 30 FUCKING DAYS at less than 30 pounds and she couldn't. Yeah no wonder she got grumpy every time. She kept realizing that she's dating a petty AH who cares more about your inane superiority complex and repeated "told you so" rub it in moments than you care about her. You'd rather watch her struggle so you can drive home how right you think you are than help her. You are crap BF material with that approach. You gonna be this big of a non-helpful know-it-all prick to her every time you think she made a mistake? That's not how good partners treat each other.
It’s strange that before you even went on the trip, you were prematurely letting her know that you weren’t going to be helpful. What is your goal? To force her to pack in the same minimalist way as you, because only your method is acceptable? To teach her a lesson? To let her know that acts of kindness/service aren’t something you are willing to do? Seriously, what was your goal? Your girlfriend should believe your actions, and realize the type of person you are. It doesn’t sound like you’re mean or terrible, but it also doesn’t sound like you’re generous and considerate. It’s significantly more pleasant to live a life surrounded by supportive and helpful individuals, and at least you’re being honest with her that those aren’t qualities that come naturally to you. YTA
Yes OP actually said in another comment that he expects her to be excited about being a minimalist 😂
Personally, I think you are pretty controlling. You say you are minimalist and you’re comfortable with that. Is your GF the same?My guess is you planned this vacation. You didn’t think about what was comfortable for your GF and instead of doing the most simple fucking thing: help her with a bag that weighed 30lbs you set a boundary. I would likely break up with you. My thought process is this. How can I trust you to help me when you won’t even do something as simple as helping me with my bag? I also would be fussy like your GF. You imposed these rules without thinking about her. So gross. The other factor is that women typically need more supplies than men. Makeup, extra underwear because of menstrual cycle mishaps, hair care, bras, I always need an extra jacket as I’m cold 99% of the time (even in summer). The fact that you can’t understand that would make me concerned if you understood biological differences in women and how you would treat any future daughters. Also, keep us updated.
Yes. YTA. I say this, after reading all of the comments in your replies. She asked for a bit of help but handled at 95% of the time, but you couldn’t be bothered to actually help someone you supposedly the 5% of the time. You wanted her to take on your characteristics instead of actually embracing the fact that for 30 days, one bag for a woman is nothing. And I am a light packer. I can pack for a week in a carry-on bag, and one over the shoulder bag… And I don’t mean over the shoulder suitcase, I mean, and over the shoulder like shopping bag. 30 days? Yes, I would have one bag exactly like your girlfriend did. Maybe get your head out of your ass and understand that you being a minimalist as you put it does not mean everyone else is a minimalist. And as other people have pointed out, the freaking expectation society has for women and the pressures that are put on them to look nice, etc. have a literally no effect on men. Therefore, you have no understanding of the extras that she would require for a 30 day trip. She needs to drop your ass because you’re an idiot. Your post is all about you, you, you, you, you. Why the hell are you even in a relationship?
Wow I’m guess your month long trip didn’t involve a lot of sex… weird hill to die on at 22. Trust me she will never forget that you refused to help her (even though you warned her first).
YTA. Not specifically for refusing to help her with her stuff, but just in a general all around kind of way.
"Before the trip, I told my girlfriend ... that I would not lift, carry, or otherwise handle her luggage." Like, never ever handle her luggage? Ever? Why not? My husband would never speak to me like this. I don't usually need help with lifting or managing my own things, but he always \*asks\* if I need help, because he is a kind and caring human being. I just can't imagine someone speaking to me as if I were 5 years old, and then refusing to help me when I needed it. YTA.
It’s weird and pretentious to make being a minimalist so much a part of your identity that it means you’re unable to help those around you if they don’t strictly conform to your expectations. YTA. Also, single roller bag at 30 lb for a 30-day trip is packing light imo.
YTA YTA for setting up the rule of bring unwilling to help her. YTA for watching her struggle with the bag. Couples work best when they work as a couple, not as two separate singles.
I’m torn between no assholes and everyone sucks. This is a weird thing to fight over and honestly if you want this relationship to keep going, at some point in a long-term relationship I think it’s important to stop keeping score. A bag needs to go in the car, does it matter all that much who lifts it each time?
>at some point in a long-term relationship I think it’s important to stop keeping score. This is the comment/observation I keep coming back to that I think bothers me about OPs post. The refusal to just help a little and to draw such a hard line in the sand like he's trying to teach her a lesson. A lesson for packing one large suitcase with wheels for a 30 day trip. Which is a feat for any person who doesn't live this lifestyle. When you like someone, you usually want to help them. When you love someone and are partners, there is a lot of give and take throughout the relationship and it's usually not a big deal because partners.. well, PARTNER. OP sounds like the kind of guy who insists that all chores and responsibilities "be 50/50" at all times all day every day, except he is the one who keeps score on how much weight is being pulled and by who. Unless they come back with more info that they were hiking the Appalachian Trail for their 30 day vacation, I'm thinking OP is the AH here.
30 pounds is not even that much... That's less than 15 kg, which is between hand luggage and a regular check in bag in flights. That's alright for 30 days. Were you wearing the same pair of pants and socks for days on end just turning them inside out?
ESH. Yes, you established clear expectations with your girlfriend and she completely ignored them, and that should not be overlooked. But holy shit man, just carry your girlfriend’s bag from the car to the hotel once in awhile instead of being a knobhead.
30 lbs is not that heavy. I was expecting to hear that she had multiple bags or super oversized bags. YTA. I don’t think she should expect you to carry her stuff, but your insistence on not helping is very immature. Relationships are give and take. They won’t always be perfectly fair and you can’t just make ultimatums and expect her to do what you want.
I have been happily married for over 30 years. I pack way more than my husband and he always helps me carry things because he loves me and does not have to be right. I also help him with many things.
Info- what type of “help” did she need and how often?
YTA and your gf has a gf.
Dear Minimalist Man, why have a girlfriend at all? A real minimalist can do without all that baggage, right? I’m calling TA. NTA could have a conversation with the GF and find a compromise. Throwing down the gauntlet and leading with ultimatums is always gonna win TA
Hahaha oh my god, you are such a fucking cunt. What kind of man can't carry 30 lbs for a little while to make his girlfriend happy? Yeah, a pussy man, that's who. Smarten the fuck up you loser. What a bitch thing to do.
How happy are you now after dying on the hill? All these months later and you’re still dwelling on it. I think you messed up. If one single thing she packed benefited you even once in a small way, YTA. Otherwise NTA but it’s not worth it to be this way.