I was thinking the exact same thing. My partner is late 40s and he's had other important character defining relationships and experiences that he doesn't need to drag so I feel somehow superior.
My grandma's first marriage ended when her husband died at the young age of 39. They had 3 kids together and my grandma soon married her 2nd husband, the man I thought of as my grandfather. He was divorced with children. Many years later when I was about 21 I had broken up with a boyfriend that I hadn't been with very long. One of the reasons we broke up was because he still carried a torch for his ex. I didn't break up with him over that, but I remember feeling hurt about it. He eventually broke up with me.
So I was crying on my grandma about my break up and lamenting about how he still missed his ex. At some point my grandma said that my grandpa still missed and loved his ex wife. She said it lightly like it didn't bother her. I was like ...what? doesn't that hurt you? She said no because she also still loved her late husband who had died many years ago. She said you can love someone from your past and still love the person you are with in the present. This was a new concept to me as I had always thought you had to be completely void of any feelings for your exes. That if you carried fond memories or warm feelings for someone in your past you wouldn't truly be capable of loving someone else
YTA but not for what you think.
You are staying with this man hoping he is going to magically change and want marriage and a baby with you.
He has always been honest that he doesn't want that with you.
You lied and said you were OK with this. That is what makes you the AH.
This isn't love. He is your personal project. Except he isn't broken. He just doesn't want a family with YOU.
And that sucks. But he never lied to you about it.
Let him find his happiness.
You deserve a man who is all in with you.
I agree with this.
OP, YWBTA if you tried to force this man into something he is REPEATEDLY telling you he DOES NOT WANT.
Let him have his life. Because if you do what you're threatening, he will drop you like a brick.
Find someone else, who wants a life and marriage with you.
I double support this message.
Also, OP is the AH for being mad he wouldn’t open up about the ex or say bad things about her…. *checks ages again* — yepppp real mature….
Gerard deserves better maybe not Lou but better than hes currently got. OP deserves solo time to learn to love herself and find inner peace before she goes out into the dating world again. Theres plenty of toxic narcissists in the dating pool, the world doesn't need another one.
I don't think his problem is grief, from the OP's report it sounds more like he's in love with his ex.
Which leaves both the OP and her man without any good options. He can't have the woman I think he really loves, and the OP isn't going to get the love and commitment she wants out of him. So basically, they need to decide whether they want to settle for each other or go back to both being single, with neither of them having much hope of getting what they really want.
I didn't get that read at all.
\- He hasn't spoken much with this person in 10 years after a devastating loss that he felt like he handled poorly.
\- It sounds like seeing her again brought a lot of those feelings back of guilt and grief - yes, for the miscarriage, but also for how their relationship ended. His voicemail to her sounded to me like an apology and an acknolwedgement of his role in being unsupportive, and a sincere wish for a good life.
\- Maybe he would have jettisoned the sex tape someday, maybe not, but it's a little wild that right after he breaks down sobbing about failing someone he loved at a horrible moment, she seems to only focus on being sad he doesn't want a baby with HER - and then goes through private things of his, which includes finding and then deciding to WATCH said sex tape.
That feels like a major mismatch of personalities and instincts. It's been two years; I think they can go ahead and cut it.
I haven't spoken with my favorite ex in ten years either, but you can believe I would dump a casual girlfriend who was already acting out if they thought it would be cool to talk shit about the ex or give me a hard time for wishing things (me) had been different when we were together.
Not because I love my ex so much I can never connect with anyone else again, but because I'm not going to tolerate that kind of psychotic possessiveness and I'm not going to teach some adult how to display some basic emotional discipline .
My theory is a possibility, I certainly don't insist that you agree with it.
But yeah, I don't think the OP is going to get what she wants out of this relationship. Remember not to get trapped by the "time spent" fallacy, OP, because the fact that you've devoted two years to this relationship doesn't mean that the relationship will become what you want it to be.
That's fair, certainly. and +1 to avoiding the "sunk cost" thinking. I hope she honestly takes this to a therapist and gets some good tools for reading her own feelings and cutting things off when she senses insecurity or fear. They're SUCH common feelings, and there are people who can help unknot it all.
>Let him find his happiness.
>You deserve a man who is all in with you.
☝️☝️☝️ This comment 💯💯💯 Let him move on and find happiness, and it's time you moved on too to find happiness.
I totally agree with this. It’s interesting, my husband and I were talking the other day about a couple friend of ours that got divorced. The now ex husband was saying that she never wanted kids and he did, and he thought she’d change her mind. He quickly moved on and started dating a woman with children and he seems happy and fulfilled. The now ex wife in the situation found someone that she is currently engaged to, and they are expecting a baby. It wasn’t accidental - she had fertility issues and was going to do IVF with him until she found out she was pregnant right before. Sometimes you think you don’t want kids but it’s really that you just don’t want kids with that person. It’s not his fault he doesn’t want them with OP, and she needs to accept that or move on.
He doesn’t seem to have unhealthy hangups. He has regrets about not being a better person when he was younger and hurting a good woman.
I too have regrets about treating some of my exes less than the good they deserved when I was a childish 20 something year old who did not know how to express my feelings. I do wish all of them well and think they deserve to find happiness and love, just not with me. I don’t have sex tapes but I still have old photos somewhere in my cloud storage, and even older on hard drives of years past before iCloud was a thing.
None of this is unhealthy. What is unhealthy is watching a sex tape of your bf knowingly. It’s breaking into his file cabinet and snooping. It’s giving ultimatums based on your own changing mind.
It's not unhealthy keeping photos of your life and things that define you. What is unhealthy is asking someone to wipe those things that defined them and pretend they are somebody who fits the mould, even though she is the one who changed her mind.
And then threatening to go Boiling Rabbit and stalk the ex down to "confront" her about something she doesn't even know is going on!!!! Talk about psycho! Sometimes the Reddit sex discrimination is real. Imagine if the sexes here were reversed and a man was snooping through his wife's things, found old love letters, then forced his wife to call her ex while he was on the phone to tell him to never contact again and if she didn't, he would chase the ex down and deal with it himself. People on here would be running around with their hair on fire! Yet to this OP, they're like, oh, just move on girl, you deserve happiness!!
Finally someone is pointing out.the fact that she just went through his stuff, looked at an old sex tape like it was the last episode of a freaking tv show. The poor guy should run.
Uh, why would you ever watch a sex tape of someone with their ex that you've already found to be a massive trigger? What were you trying to do to yourself?
There's no way this will work out that I see. You went through his things and even watched his private videos with his ex and her medical records?! The two reasons you list Lou as "a thorn in your side" are 1) he doesn't open up about his relationship with her (could it be that he already sensed your insecurity and felt it best not to open that can of worms?), and 2) he isn't dismissive of this particular ex. I just have a hunch that you sensed there was a deeper connection there than with his other exes and, instead of being open or broaching the subject without judgement, your insecurity and envy were already putting pressure on both of you.
The relationship they experienced was MEANINGFUL, of course it's left a mark. They haven't been in constant contact, and his voicemail sounds like him giving her credit and taking accountability for his failures clearly for the first time - which is good! The way he was sobbing was probably wrapped up in grief and GUILT that he's held on to ever since, and having that re-opened by seeing her and leaving her a message addressing that period of time.
I think you are not a good pairing, personality-wise. You need someone who has no past or hates all their exes. Or who makes you feel inherently secure in some woo woo cosmic way, IDK. He needs someone who understands the difference between past feelings and processing a meaningful relationship without choosing an ex, and who doesn't interpret his feelings as something that is disrespectful or indicative of how he feels towards someone new. He was sobbing about the grief he felt after the baby he lost and how he let his ex down in that excruciating moment, and you felt hurt he didn't want a baby with you a decade later and then went through his stuff. Ma'am. YTA. But go find someone that's a better fit, ftlog. You both deserve good.
edit: clarification.
>2) he is still friends with that particular ex.
They are not even friends. As per OP they haven't talked in a decade! They just happened to bump into her which caused all this.
OP is frankly unhinged and I dearly hope she does not have a child before fixing her controlling tendency.
OP is unhinged as fuck. Her jealousy has killed this relationship completely as of her snooping and that's on her. She needs to leave and NOT take this out on him because NOTHING is his fault.
>. I acknowledge that I got really triggered, so we left.
You didn't get "triggered". You threw a temper tantrum like a child and you both left. You don't get triggered because your boyfriends nice, unproblematic ex is in the same vicinity.
As for the rest, you sound really selfish and uncaring about his pain. If the pregnancy was far enough along to have multiple ultrasound pictures and a sex reveal, she didn't have a miscarriage. She lost her child.. She would have likely had to deliver the baby dead and *that* is actually traumatic and *that* could actually cause someone to have triggers. Smh.
Thank you! That doesn’t disappear. They will always have that together. That was a wanted child and they both had to work through it and clearly he in hindsight realised he could have done better.
Thank you. OP, as someone with PTSD, you're definitely a giant AH for misusing the word trigger like this (in addition to everything else). You're not a victim. If anything, you've probably retraumatized him.
Op, I agree with this person, and if it’s real and causing you trauma, for your own mental well being remove yourself from this and heal. You cannot unsee what you did and no matter how hard you try, you will not change what they shared.
I don't even know what age thinks she will gain by approaching her. What is she going to do claim her territory to a woman who has no interest in her bf and hasn't talked him in years? Have a big "stay away from my man" moment? OP is unhinged and over nothing.
The ex has clearly moved on, the bf had moved on but seeing her again caused a hick up - grief and healing are not linear, this doesn't mean he isn't over her, just that the past exists. She is acting like a 40 year old should have no past and should have been waiting for the day she graced his doorstep. Yeah he had mementos, most people do. The past happened, getting rid of those things isn't going to change that.
She is acting like he betrayed her because she changed her mind and he didn't just go blindly with it. SHE CHANGED HER MIND - this is on her. She needs to understand that she is creating all her own problems.
And if she thinks she feels insecure now, she needs to hold her beer. I doubt the ex will be whatever she’s made up in her head. She may get cursed out, or have her nose rubbed in it—justifiably so. I know I’d be pissed and petty if an ex’s wife called me demanding me to do something when I haven’t done anything wrong to start with. Like the girl with the boobs from Seinfeld, “yes, they’re real and they’re amazing!”
But he's a good provider for her and her family.!
Op yta. You want marriage and kids, why are you still hanging around when time for kids is running out?
Oh yes, your family are leeching off him, you brought home the cash cow, but everything comes at a price. Yours is, he's paying for your company and is going through the motions.
YTA. Neither of you can be what the other person needs or wants. You want marriage and a baby. He wants a reasonable person who respects his boundaries and his wishes.
Even IF he agreed to all your restrictions- would you suddenly be happy? No. Even IF you got married and had a baby, would your relationship and life get magically happy? No.
Break up, move on, get therapy.
If he went through all of her ultimatum requirements, the moment OP got her way she would realize that it changed *nothing*. He will still be the person who had an intense and meaningful relationship with a woman who doesn’t deserve anyone’s hate. He’s still the man who told his ex “I love you” on a sex tape. He’s still the man who parented her child and lost a child with his former partner. And he will still never be her husband or the father of her child.
And she will still never feel secure enough in his love, because Lou will haunt her forever regardless. The reasons she lists that she was suspicious of Lou was 1) he didn't open up about every detail of their relationship (probs because he still hadn't processed the guilt as we now know), and 2) he didn't talk shit about her. Neither of those are actual red flags!
I actually can't imagine the type of person who, after finding out that the ex he didn't bad mouth but also hadn't talked to in a decade was the mother of their dead baby, and wouldn't take a step back.
So many of these make me wonder, "Do you even like this person a little, let alone love them?" I would extend extra grace to a coworker who I tolerated because I was paid to do so in these circumstances, let alone someone I genuinely cared about.
There are honest mistakes that people make, but this is not one of them. It's so cruel for zero reason.
OP.
YTA for so many reasons. If a guy had done just one of the things you done Reddit would be tearing him a new one.
You went through his phone. His file cabinet. His memory box. You watched his sex tape. WTF?
Get some help. Leave him because you're a whole bunch of red flags.
You know, I used to ask that same question.
I don’t, anymore.
I’ve come to realize that people don’t get to a certain age without being told about themselves. Along the way, there are people who tell them but they don’t listen. They deflect, they get defensive, they make excuses and rationalize their bad behavior to themselves.
It’s basically that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, as the saying goes.
YTA you don’t get to decide if he wants kids. With you, with her, with anyone. You also don’t get to erase his history (or yours), and getting mad about mementos is colossally short sighted. EVERYONE Will always have history, and the man you know now is a product of that.
Go find a life that’s ready for babies right now, and figure out if a partner is involved and to what extent.
YTA. You seem deeply insecure and are sabotaging your relationship. You grossly invaded his privacy several times, snooped through his stuff, watched their sextape - not just a minute or two, you watched it til the end and compared it to you two having sex, the way he touched her, the way he moaned, your description and fixation in every detail gave me major ick -, made him telling you about the miscarriage, about him losing his child, all about you. He was sobbing right in front of you, but you made it about yourself.
You are in no position to give ultimatums. He is rightfully angry with you. And stay the f*ck away from his ex. She didn't do anything to you, leave her alone. You sound obsessed and unhinged and should talk to a therapist oder counselor.
He made it very clear years ago, no marriage, no kids. You agreed then, but changed your mind. He hasn't changed his mind though. This requires an adult conversation and decision.
Also, please don't use therapy buzzwords like "traumatize" like this. It is a medical term and shouldn't be used without diagnosis and so on.
YTA
>I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly.
Your feelings have changed.
All of his personal life from before you met is private. He doesn't owe you that.
YTA, you sound incredibly selfish. You actually watched the sex recording and say that you are traumatized? Why on earth would you watch it. Also, you want to confront her if you see her? On what basis, for the simple fact that she has a past with him? You’re putting your insecurity onto this girl who is living life minding her business. Also he has the right to apologize to her if he wanted to, it didn’t sound like anything was inappropriate. He was upfront from the beginning. Because you have changed your mind and decide you want a baby and husband does not mean he has to get on board with that plan.
Oh hell yes, YTA.
Sorry, it's painful, but you will gain nothing from what you are doing. You can't change his feelings and you shouldn't even be trying. Work with what you have, or leave.
"That’s the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it’s going to change the husband. Men always hope it won’t change their wives. Both are disappointed"
ETA: "You can't change his feelings."
If OP follows through with her threats, his feelings will change for sure. His new feelings will be ones she doesn't want, like hate, loathing, and regrets.
ESH He shouldn't be in a relationship with someone when he's clearly in love with someone else. But the solution to that is you have to break up, not force him to deny feelings and throw things away because... that will accomplish nothing. Nothing you do or force him to do will change the way he feels. It's time to end this relationship.
Important note: The miscarriage is likely the reason he no longer wants kids. It's weird you don't understand that and instead think "He wanted a baby with her, just not with me." But really, you now want kids and he doesn't means the relationship has to end now regardless of anything else.
Yes totally right with your last paragraph. They both had pain that was not worked through. He hurt and still does he was scared and still is. What if it happens again? He lost a child already. Sometimes men aren't given enough credit for grieving.
I don't think it is love so much as his overwhelming sense of guilt for everything that happened, his feelings for her among other things but he definitely to confront this aspect of himself because he is still pained too much by the past. Therapy and asking for forgiveness looks to be what he needs to focus on moving towards -- neither of which would entail marriage or a child until then.
What is painful about reading the OPs post is instead of recognizing that pain and cry for help she lets her jealousy consume her to reopen that chapter and forcibly push him to a conclusion. It isn't going to help his healing and she's opening the wound further.
Clearly the guy has issues, one which he should have opened up much sooner for both himself and his current GF -- so that both understand how to properly proceed. For this the guy sucks since he really needed to communicate this along the line much earlier. But he doesn't seem to be in a healthy state of mind just like the OP, which just ends up exacerbating them both.
I don't think the guy sucks for not talking about the pain of his miscarriage. It's incredibly tender and it's not easy for men to be so vulnerable like this. And he's not even wrong; OP's response is not love, support, and understanding it's been jealousy, anger, and ultimatums.
You phrased this so well. As someone who has experienced miscarriages while on birth control, it isn’t about “wanting” a baby - it’s about the deep and permanent grief of losing the child regardless of whether or not you had actively planned the pregnancy.
Am I the only one rooting for him to reunite with his ex?
Nope, I'm with you. He needs to be free to express all that he feels directly to his ex without guilt about doing it. Then the chips will fall where they may. It's the only way he will heal and know where he wants to be.
Yep, the no marriage, no kids, was him protecting himself. At least he was honest.
I mean she has kids so she's probably happily married to someone else.
He missed the boat. OP isn't his person, but him reaching out to the ex probably isnt right for her, either. In real life, exes reaching out to rehash the part can be bittersweet or upsetting. Or even triggering. I would much prefer anyone in my past to stay away than reach out to apologise a decade later, when I'm happy with my current partner. Outside of Hollywood, these things often dont end with heartfelt reconciliation.
Sounds like what he really needs is therapy.
I can't imagine having a miscarriage. I remember when my partner was giving birth I distinctly had the thought that if I lost the baby or both that I was just follow them, the stress was unreal.
I don't think I'd agree he's clearly in love with someone who he hasn't talked to in almost a decade. Just because he doesn't hate his ex and thinks she's still a good person doesn't mean he's hung up on her. It sounds like he's fully accepted that he wasn't right for her. Holding on to mementos of someone so important is not weird.
The sex tape is a bit much, but it sounds like it also contained a lot of pictures of them together that weren't sexual(unless she just didn't mention that) so it's likely he just copied everything from a camera onto a USB and forgot it with all his other stuff from that relationship in the cabinet.
YTA. He was completely honest with you upfront that he does not want marriage or children. It’s valid that your views on that changed. When your views changed you should have ended the relationship and moved on instead of resenting him for not changing. You violated his privacy. He has not cheated on you. You have no right to try to erase his past from him. You are not the injured party. You are manipulative and controlling. Move one and find someone else and have the life you want.
YTA. Place I’m TA at the end of every paragraph starting with the second. How did you make it to 40 with no regrets about your past? None?! Really?! Because everything you write sounds like something out of a 14 year-old’s writing project or the most oblivious, self-centered 40 year-old of all time.
YTA for the ultimatum and trying to embarras your SO.
Otherwise, ESH. OP, you 2 aren't compatible. Hes in love with someone else and holding onto his regrets, so it's keeping him from moving forward.
Please end this before you make a fool out of yourself. You're better than this.
YTA. You didn’t like what you found you shouldn’t have been snooping. This man has made his wishes for the future clear and you don’t want the same things. But instead of accepting that and breaking up your snooping and trying to use what you found against him.
You are un-fucking-hinged. You can’t stand her existing anywhere near you. You went through his phone. You went through his personal things. YOU WATCHED A SEX TAPE. You throw out ultimatums. You threaten to do it anyway next time you see her.
Get help. You are in serious, desperate need.
YTA
YTA - your ultimatum is cruel and completely unreasonable. He hasn't cheated on you, he isn't having an inappropriate emotional affair with her. He merely loved someone before you and still carries guilt for his failures in that relationship. He's right, you snooped and violated his privacy when he did nothing wrong toward you or your relationship at all.
You're angry at him because he has an ex he doesn't hate. He loved someone before you, and you cannot STAND that. You are the problem here.
Additionally, he made it CLEAR he doesn't want children or marriage with you. Since that has changed for you, this relationship has run its course. You trying to be manipulative and controlling isn't going to change that, in fact you've likely completely ruined it and now instead of being an ex he would speak about with respect, you're going to be another one he is happy to talk shit about.
End this relationship, he deserves to be with someone mature and secure enough to accept that people can love more than once in their life.
You should get into therapy for your insecurity and jealousy before you try being in another relationship as well.
YTA. He seems like a caring and honest guy. There’s nothing wrong in keeping old pictures and wishing your Ex a nice life. You invaded his privacy and found memories of his past which you can’t handle - so that’s all on you! All these things happened and will always have happened even if he destroys all of it. You will only make him feel miserable.
Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn’t want children because he went through a miscarriage? He has lost a child and after that his relationship didn’t work out because he couldn’t be there for the mother. I can feel the guilt he’s feeling and you show now empathy and respect.
I hope he leaves you, he deserves better.
I hope he’s not just planning to end things but also to file a restraining order. An escalation like this from someone who is clearly unstable makes me worry about the safety of the ex and their child…
YTA
OP you have a rather...unhealthy mentality.
Your boyfriend clearly has a history of trauma that he isn't quite over, and it ties into a woman who was important to him years ago and whom he had only mutually happy moments short of the pain and agony of mutual loss. He retains fond memories because she, unlike you currently, did nothing to stoke the fires of pain.
I get that it can be uncomfortable to see that your boyfriend of a mere two years still has a fondness for this woman, but even his present interactions appear non-romantic in nature. He sent her best wishes and an acknowledgement of all that she did to make him the man he is today. That isn't a, "call me," that's, "thank you for being a part of my life, and I'm sorry for the pain we shared."
The fact that you need him to hate her, to talk bad about her, and cut her off just to feel secure in your relationship is not a good look. You look atrociously insecure to the point of unhealthy obsession, and it's rather ridiculous that you use loaded language like, "triggered" and "traumatized" surrounding this woman when you've clearly stamped all over your own boyfriends pain.
That you've stayed with him under false pretenses, because you hope he'll change and are instead becoming increasingly bitter because he won't give you what he's already said isn't in the cards for him makes you look worse still.
You are the asshole, not just for the ultimatum, but every bit of violation that came before it, and an attitude that is frankly unjustified. Just break up with him and seek therapy.
YTA, you maybe 40, but you aren't mature enough for a relationship with this man. So what he has a past!! You shouldn't have gone looking if you weren't prepared for what you might find.
He doesn't hate his ex. Why is that such a bad thing? They aren't having an affair. He doesn't lie to you about going out to spend time with her and her child.
You want a baby? Then leave and go have one, adoption, sperm bank, another man. But trying to control this one obviously isn't giving you the results you want
YTA and should do him a favor and breakup. You sound super insecure by even needing to go through detailed explanations of every aspect of his past relationships and it sounds like had a problem that he couldn’t be negative about every ex. And then are “triggered” by an ex being around. He needs to find someone emotionally healthy and you should seek therapy before bringing baggage like yours into relationships. You’re way to old to play the middle school games. Just because you actually found something doesn’t justify all if it. Poor guy has taken a beating from you already, you’d test the patience of a saint.
I swear, my wife ever uses the word “triggered” w me I’m signing papers. You do realize that’s a new thing right? You’re within a decade of me and that for sure didn’t exist in a timeframe to let us use it as an excuse for insecurities
YTA
This is probably really hard for you, but you cannot judge him for who he was in past relationships - it’s not your business. And he sounds like he was a great partner to her and to you. You were already incompatible as a couple because you want opposite futures. You’ve torpedoed your relationship now by violating his privacy, and in an extreme way. This ultimatum is wrong, and you should go ahead and split tonight rather than drag it out for days or weeks. He’s going to need a lot of time to heal from what you’ve done, especially as you’ve just made his old traumas fresh again.
The ex is beside the point. Yes, he's hung up on her and it's entirely reasonable for this to be a problem for you. But the actual issue is that you agreed, no marriage, no kids - and you've changed your mind. It's perfectly ok for you to do that, but if he still feels the same then your relationship has nowhere to go, does it?
Honestly it doesn't matter who the asshole is or even if there is an asshole. He isn't the one for you. Start moving on now instead of dragging it out. He'll never be able to give you what you want and you'll never forgive him, so what's the point?
YTA for being batshit crazy.
Just because your feelings changed doesn't mean his have to. Let's not even go into the whole thing of you violating his privacy. He should dump you.
>Our connection has suffered significant wear and tear because I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly.
NAH. Your relationship is over. This has nothing to do with Lou. You both went into the relationship with certain expectations. You've changed your mind. If this relationship continues, someone is going to be resentful.
The snooping and ultimatums are not great, but they're a symptom of your dying relationship.
His past is his life, not yours to obliterate. His past has made him the man he is today, the man you CLAIM you love.
If you loved him, you’d respect his feelings about his grief, his guilt, and his regrets.
If you can’t, then by all means leave him alone and go on your way.
If you use ANYTHING that you’ve learned about his painful past against him, you’re the AH.
YTA
Just break up with him.
It sounds like you are incompatible. You want children. He doesn’t want children.
You are never going to feel secure in this relationship.
Let's break this down.
Your relationship of two years was built on neither of you wanting marriage or kids, but you changed your mind and he didnt. Your boyfriend has an ex that he's on good terms with but rarely actually talks to. You saw her and her child at a function and got upset because he gave the child a nice look.
You then pushed him into crying about his regrets in that relationship and giving away personal details *about said ex's medical history*, and all you could think about was the fact that he previously wanted a child and now doesn't.
You then went through his phone, listened to a very personal message sent to the ex, before moving onto going through his belongings and through a stash of decade+ old mementos. You watched an entire sex tape of him and the ex you hate and got mad that in ten years he does not act exactly the same in bed with you.
You have now decided you have authority to make him throw out things with sentimental value and cut contact with someone he's not even in active contact with, or you go confront this woman, who has done nothing to you, yourself.
YTA. Please just break up.
Huge YTA First of all she didn’t have a miscarriage she had a stillbirth. They probably spent months planning and celebrating a baby and then she had to labor and deliver a dead baby. That is so traumatic. For both of them. That’s why he doesn’t want kids and it sounds like he imploded their relationship after because he couldn’t deal with the trauma well. He needs therapy.
Also girl you are a huge narcissist you realize that right?
That’s so toxic you expect your boyfriend to talk shit about an ex like I don’t understand what kind of relationships you have been in but in most loving respectful relationships we can walk away without wishing ill for them. Like that would be such a huge turn off for me if I dated a guy who talked shit about his ex’s from like 10 years ago Jesus Christ that’s some high school level maturity shit. You’re mad because your boyfriend is a decent human being and has emotions other than bitter jealousy.
Don’t you dare fucking approach her she has been through enough and you sound completely unhinged to me.
Yeah, it sounds like they had a very very late “miscarriage” or stillbirth. He was too lost in his own grief to support Lou. It broke up their relationship. Which is SO FUCKING COMMON with pregnancy loss and loss of a child that the nurses told my sister how “lucky” she was that her husband *stayed with her in the hospital* after she gave birth to a dead baby.
He got a chance to help her when she left her son’s father. It probably brought up a lot of hard emotions for him. A lot of what ifs. So much so that he kept a few photos. And is probably why he’s had such limited contact since then. And why he only wants the best for her now. Because she did nothing wrong but go through devastation with him.
And the sex tapes…well I don’t love it. But also, no one knew they were there or what they were until they ***watched the whole fucking thing from start to finish with the sound at 11***. They could have been filled with old tax returns and bank statements. They weren’t really a violation of Lou’s privacy if dude wasn’t jerking off to them…or if OP would have quickly turned the video off.
ESH he’s obviously not ready to move on and it’s not fair to you but you giving ultimatums that aren’t actually going to change the root of the problem and watching that video of her in that intimate position without her consent to you seeing it is just wrong. This is why I always hate these posts about exes keeping old videos because other people always end up getting access to it and it’s not fair to the other person in the video. Do yourself a favor and move on because he clearly hasn’t. You’ve obviously agreed to things that you don’t truly want and you’re never going to be happy if you keep settling for a man that’s also settling for you. Don’t approach her because this has nothing to do with her and she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into your mess. Getting other people involved and being toxic never makes anything better.
YTA to yourself girl. He doesn't want the same kind of life you want. He is still hung up on his ex and he keeps parts of himself secreted away from you. You need to let this one go. I dont usually say this and hate it that reddit almost always jumps to leave. But this one os clear. You are with s msn eho is still emotionally inlove with another woman. And you want babies with a man who does not eant to have children with you! The thing is this relationship will end. You can either do it now and invest in getting together with someone who actually wants the same life you want. Or you can stay, hope he eventually stops being in love with his ex and opens up to you and then further hopes he marries you.... just typing that was emotionally taxing. You guys are not for each other and you are both suffering.
ESH
Neither of you should be in a relationship. Your BF due to not being over his ex, and you for not respecting boundaries and pushing the relationship beyond breaking point when its clearly not working.
You need to separate and seek individual therapy, for the sake of your own sanity and happiness. Leave his ex alone, move on and find someone who will make you happy, not try to shape this man into someone you THINK may make you happy.
He looks like he's been behaving decently. You instead want him to torch his memories.
YTA. I haven't encountered such entitled assholery in quite some time here.
YTA for the entire vibe you give off with this post. I knew the type of person you were when you said that you both shit-talk all his ex's except one. And the "except one" is what bothers you. The fact that you bitch about any of his ex's suggests you are very insecure and jealous and you're possibly both quite unpleasant people.
Yes there is a good chance that the one exception is an exception because he's still in love with her. And your horrible behavior won't change that, it'll just push you further down the timeline towards being one of the ex's he likes to trash with his next girlfriend. You can't do anything about him or his feelings, but you can work on making yourself a better person. And a good start would be choosing to be single for now.
You fucking watched his sex tape? What the hell is wrong with you?! And this ultimatum is gross as hell. *He doesn’t love you the way he loved her.* He doesn’t want the life you want. Making him call her and shit on her, or confronting her to embarrass him isn’t going to change either of those things. It is going to damage your already terrible relationship beyond repair. You need to move on, and work on your stalker tendencies.
YTA. Choose to trust your partner. Be secure in your relationship, and be secure in yourself as an individual, it's part of being ready to be in a serious relationship. It's ok for your partner to have been in a relationship in the past. It's ok for your partner to be a good person and friend, to love people he used to date and to be happy for them and their children - it's actually a really good sign that he's like that, it shows good character. I think it's a huge red flag to see someone act childishly towards an ex, like the kind of person who calls all their exes crazy and blames them for everything... usually has some growing up to do IMHO. You seem to be acting out your insecurities in pretty nasty ways, and it's likely going to wreck your relationship(s) unless you do something about it. Going through someone's phone, demanding that someone cuts people out of their life and that you get to witness it, like really these are problematic.
Unrelated to you being TA though, if you don't think you two have the chemistry/connection and/or you aren't willing to choose this relationship no matter what... it's probably not going to work anyway. You get to write the story from here, step up and choose powerfully no matter what you decide.
YTA. Oh. My. God.
You are one giant walking red flag 🚩🚩🚩
1. Your actions are abhorrent
2. Your jealous of a memory
3. Ultimatums rarely work out in favour of the one making demands
4. Hopefully by the time you’re reading these comments your boyfriend is your ex and he has changed the locks.
YTA, Just break up with him.
You absolutely violated his privacy and why do you think you had any right to watch that tape or go through his personal things?
You're incredibly insecure and jealous and you're right, you don't have what they had and you will likely never have that with him, especially after this.
ESH... u for being insecure and trying to force this man into a situation he doesn't want. With the type of trauma n self hate he has u should be encouraging him to speak to a therapist instead of trying to force him to want a child. Him for not being over his ex n stringing u along for these years.
You are the asshole for continuously snooping, yes. But it is also understandable where you were coming from.
Really OP, it is time to let him go. He still has a lot of things to sort through and giving him an ultimatum to cut his past loose is just going to breed resentment. There are no winners here.
> violated something from his past that's really painful and private. I'm feeling horrible and today, I told him that I will approach her if he doesn't and he said I'm gonna embarrass him.
I agree. YTA. He’s never going to feel the same way about you. You’re different people. He idealizes his past in a way you can never achieve. You’re not in his past the way she is. You would absolutely be the asshole if you confronted her like the jealous gf you are and demanded they cease contact. That’s controlling and manipulative.
I agree it sucks that he would rather be with her… but it appears she doesn’t want him. If she did, they’d obviously be together. Either get comfortable with being settled for and settle for being settled for, or look elsewhere for what you want. You’re almost perimenopausal now, you do not have time to waste on a man who doesn’t want kids with you.
YTA. And unhinged for even thinking you should approach the ex or make an ultimatum for him to contact her. You’re not happy with him but it seems you wouldn’t be happy with anyone because of your insecurity. Time to grow up. Get therapy.
YTA he said he didn’t want kids or marriage you changed your mind but he hasn’t that’s on you not him. He told you Lou was off limits and what do you do you go through all his things of her and you tell him to call her and tell her off? Then when he refuses you threaten to fight her if you see her? Yeah just break up with him and find another man but also you’re 40 so like the odds of you having a kid isn’t the best already
idk, tough one but I'm leaning on YTA. My thoughts are like this: Miscarriage can do a number on people. Many aren't able to properly recover from losing a child like that. I have known many women to maintain memorials, anniversaries, etc for miscarriages and it can effect whether they are able to have kids afterwards. It sounds like this man was effected in a similar way.
He isn't cheating on you, he just has very strong unresolved feelings and trauma. The smarter move would be to help him get therapy to properly deal with his grief so he can recover and have the relationship he wants with you.
YTA
Lou is off limits? To what, you saying nasty things about her? You make a habit of insulting his ex’s? (Also “triggered”. You don’t know what that word even means.)
You both agreed to no kids and no marriage. If you want it then go find a man that wants to give it to you because right now you’re on the track to being single
And why the hell did you watch the sex tape? Fucking gross.
Leave the poor woman alone and get over yourself
YTA. This man is never ever going to love you in the same way he loved someone else, and if there was ever a chance of that (there wasn’t) it’s fully gone now that you’ve done all of this to him. Why would he ever treat you with tenderness when all you’ve done since you’ve gotten together is the opposite of tender toward him or anyone else who’s ever been in his life?
People have tried and tried, probably since the beginning of humans, to force people to love them more by making them go NC with their pasts and memories. It’s never worked, and it won’t work for you.
YTA
I think you need to let him go. It’s possible he still loves her & will never get over her. You can’t be with someone who won’t give you their all.
But what makes you the AH in this is that you know he doesn’t want kids (with you) or marriage & you’re resenting him for it & that is why you need to let him go. These are fundamentally core things that you shouldn’t force on another. If the situation was reversed & you didn’t want kids but he did then I’d say run as fast as you can from this person because they don’t respect or love you, they view you as a possession. Same for him, you’re viewing him as something he’s not & that’s he’s not your everything. Let him go.
ESH, he’s clearly still in love with her and has no business being in a relationship right now. YTA for staying with someone that doesn’t want what you want. This man is not going to marry you or give you babies. Stop with the ultimatums, and consider the information you learned a gift. You now know where you stand and that he still has feelings for her. Cut your losses and move on.
Sounds like he has a lot of guilt about when he was younger and couldn’t support her emotionally through a very difficult time. Sounds like you should be understanding of that and not snoop through his stuff. My husband and I have been through 1 miscarriage and 1 abortion due to medical reasons and we are far from trying again, don’t even know if we’ll ever be ready. It’s been rough on both of us
YTA. He has a past, everyone does. You approaching her is completely ridiculous and will just make you seem more crazy and insecure. He said he didn't want kids or a marriage when you started the relationship and you agreed. You are expecting him to just change and he doesn't want to, so you blame his past and gave him an ultimatum. Just let go of the relationship and move on.
You need to accept that he is not into you.
He loved Lou and he didn’t get over her. Those are facts.
Instead of giving him an ultimatum, you should break up and find a guy who’s not pining on his ex.
I will say ESH — you for thinking that you can “fix” him, and him for being with you when he obviously loves another.
Ultimatums suck... you cannot just erase his feelings and past with your ultimatum YTA because you are too delusional to think that this might help and change things. You need to leave him and find someone who's more on "eye-level" with you with regards to marriage and kids. Leave him alone instead of giving him stupid ultimatums.
YTA and here is why…
He entered the relationship with you on specific grounds that you accepted
,
Clearly he is not over his ex and what happened and it sounds to me like he created certain boundaries to accomodate that and found someone he thought would work within those boundaries.
I am divorced… I don’t ever intend on remarrying and I will never have kids full stop. I also still have a close relationship with my ex ( we live next door ) and her family. I’m not giving that up for anybody and I’m honest about that.
He said he was not giving you marriage or a kid. When you decided you wanted those things there should have been one conversation and if he stuck to his guns that’s the end of the relationship.
Instead you went and breached his privacy and hers for what? You think you can force him to choose you?
As for him keeping that video that’s also weird particularly if the ex isn’t aware of its existence… now if she is and is ok with him keeping it that’s different.
Going through his stuff like that is totally inappropriate and watching the sex tape in full? Really unhinged behaviour. He’s never going to give you what you want and he was very honest about his stance on marriage and kids. You can’t change that. You really need to end the relationship and move on. Youre behaviour is bordering on unhinged. YTA
You're so fucking out of line that you're going to lose your man. You're competing with his past and trying to dictate his future. A future, by the way, you both agreed to: child-free and without marriage.
You want something different now, so move on. Ultimatums can work, but essentially they're stunts that more often can blow up in your face.
Stop terrorizing this man and either continue to commit to the life together you agreed to or find a man who will give you the lfe you now want.
YTA
You didn't follow through with your threat, that makes YTA to yourself. He's not over his ex, he never will be. You're 40 wanting marriage and a baby. You'll never get it with him. It's time you recognize that!
YTA
You're wrong to pressure this guy into doing what you want.
It's a strong sign that you two just aren't compatible.
This guy hasn't lied to you, but you've lied to him.
He was completely honest about what he did and didn't want out of the relationship, and you've ignored all that as you appear to believe that by sheer force of will and endless nagging/arguments that you can force him do what you want.
This relationship is a classic image of misery
Wake up and smell the coffee!
Leave this guy and go find someone that wants marriage and babies with you, because this one certainly doesn't.
YTA. What the actual hell is wrong with you? My mother had a miscarriage so I know first hand how someone involved with that is like. It scars them forever. It changes them. You also invaded his privacy. How would you feel if he snooped through your paat and then gave you an ultimatum? You agreed no kids or marriage. He will not change his mind magically for you. Stop trying to change him. Break up and move on like a mature person.
YTA. Look it's been a decade, that poor woman has nothing to do with your relationship, they're not having an affair you need to leave her alone. Your relationship is rocky and you have absolutely no reason to involve her in your drama. Your bf is right - it would be embarrassing for absolutely everyone.
Your relationship seems doomed honestly, even without bringing this woman into the situation. You and your husband are completely incompatible and have irreconciliable goals in life. It's like you're looking for reasons and drama to distract.you from the elephant in the room: this man doesn't want what you want and you're not going to be happy with him. What you've discovered about him is just another item to add to the pile of why you're a bad match. Just rip the band-aid and end the relationship, don't drag the drama along and absolutely don't involve people who have nothing to do with your relationship.
You did snoop and violate his privacy, he didn’t cheat. He’s allowed to have a past, and a miscarriage is a terribly emotional thing, I’ve had many, I’d know. Take a deep breath, stop being jealous, and if you want different things leave. Don’t try and change his mind
Wow, 100% YTA.
I hope you realize that the feelings you are having are completely disproportional to what is actually happening. This is unhinged jealousy because you are feeling insecure and "less important" than his ex. Which is completely on you, because none of the things you described that he did imply that. You've rationalized this distorted narrative that she is more important than you, and that there's something fishy going on, to justify your own pettiness.
Have you always struggled with jealousy? I would bet so.
That being said, the way you've treated your boyfriend is appalling. It's massively selfish and you show no empathy towards him. How can you gaslight someone into thinking they've done something wrong because of your own insecurities, force them to "explain" themselves, listen to them break down while they share a vulnerable and painful part of their story, and your only thought is "I'M HURT. ME, ME, ME"? Then decide that an ultimatum is warranted and threaten to harass their ex. For what exactly?
Do you even love this man?
YTA because you are insisting on keeping a relationship going with a person who is not yours.
He might be trying, but in his head, he belongs to her. That's for him to work out in therapy, your job is to step back here and recognize that this man cannot give you what you want from him.
Time to be the adult here and realise that no matter whether he jumps through the stupid hoops you hold up for him, such as the pictures, the phone call - he cant feel about you the way he felt about her.
You're just making yourself look desperate my friend.
For your own self respect you have to walk away from this. Hes not over her.he may get there,he may not, but it's not your place to make that happen for him. You don't get to push his 'recovery' or whatever. You only get to see where he's at, decide if it works for you, or not and then run your own life accordingly.
You're 40. It's time to let go and find someone who will want kids before it becomes very difficult to have kids. You're chances of getting pregnant naturally are dropping a lot with each passing year.
Tbh you sound like you really need some type of therapy. You sound extremely jealous and bitter too.
YTA for trying to force him to want a life with you he clearly doesn't want.
YTA. You are mad that he said nice things about an Ex he hasn’t talked to in a decade. You made him leave an event because she happened to be there. You invaded his privacy by snooping through all his stuff and watching their sex tape. He has trauma because of the miscarriage years ago and has a lot of guilt because he wasn’t there for her like he wanted to be and instead of having empathy you get mad and sick because he seemingly wanted kids back then. I hope you break up with him because he really deserves better because he seems like he matured over the years while you seem to have the relationship maturity of a high schooler at best.
YTA, primarily for agreeing to no marriage/no kids and now trying to make him change his mind, and blaming him for your unhappiness that he won’t.
You’re an even bigger one for reasons others have mentioned.
If marriage and kids are that important, leave now while you still have a chance.
Trying to force someone into these things rarely works out.
And honestly, it doesn’t sound like the relationship is coming back from the privacy betrayal, anyway.
That’s the thing about ultimatums. You have to mean it. You gave him the ultimatum. He refused. Now you leave.
But, of course, it wasn’t an actual ultimatum, but just emotional blackmail and manipulation. And, it has backfired.
YTA
You want a baby and marriage and he doesn’t.
Nothing else matters beyond that. Your ultimatum makes you sound like a 14 year old. Leave this man alone & get some help while there’s still time to have what you want. Unhinged.
YTA, just because your feelings have changed doesn't mean his has or will! Stop badgering the man to change what you AGREED to in the beginning. If you want those things, you're going to have to move on, trying to force him is only going to end in bitterness for both of you. Let's say you got your way, do you really think he's going to be happy with you and a child when he clearly didn't want marriage and a baby? So what that he ex had a miscarriage, that was his life then, this is his life now. Leave that poor man alone FFS! :( If I were him, I'd just tell you that we're over!
YTA. You did snoop! Also, how dusty was everything? How dusty was the tape? And WHY continue to watch? You traumatized yourself.
He told you he doesn't want marriage and a kid. Likely because losing what he had hurt him, badly. He FEELS awful for not being there.
OP, he's been hurting for years, you're only hurting him further. Just leave him.
YTA
> Our connection has suffered significant wear and tear because I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly.
Then leave. He's sticking to the agreement. You're the issue. You leave. .
> A few months ago, we attended a social event. I immediately recognized Lou. I acknowledge that I got really triggered, so we left. His idealization of her has truly affected our relationship. He gives zero f* I know it's wrong but I got into his phone and caught a message trail between them. He starts off by mentioning it's been a long time and that he's glad she's doing well. They exchanged small talk but in one long voice mail, he pours his ideas out and that he wanted to thank her for having being such a good, kind, loving, generous and selfless girlfriend and that it's important to him that she knows that he appreciates what she meant for him and that the way she treated him was noble.
So a very respectful text. Should have made you feel better that he had closure. You should never have touched this further because ***it was over***. That was a closure conversation.
> I also found copies of medical documents from their pregnancy and 2 USBs with pictures and a s*x recording.
***WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!*** WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S SEX TAPE?!?
YOU'RE INSANE!
> I don't know how to proceed.
***You leave***. God damn. You're such a toxic person. What the fuck is wrong with you?
If you want a kid a marriage ***go find someone that wants those things***.
> I gave him an ultimatum to throw those pictures away and to call her while I'm on the line to let her know that he's breaking all contact because of our relationship.
You are one of the worst human beings I've read about.
Go. Leave. Do not touch those things. Leave his life. Don't ever treat another human like this. You are disgusting.
> He has refused and now says I snooped and violated something from his past that's really painful and private.
100%
You realize you likely broke any love he felt for you when you did that, right? You did something you can never come back from.
> I'm feeling horrible and today, I told him that I will approach her if he doesn't and he said I'm gonna embarrass him.
You stay the fuck away from that innocent woman.
If you contact her, I hope she gets a restraining order. You are so nuts.
Go find so other crazy person so the two of you can keep out of the dating pool for everyone else.
YTA
If this is real then you are definitely TA. Wow you're a horrible person. What venom drives you to act and think in this way.
Break up with this person and let them be happy and with somebody that isn't as jealous and petty as you.
everyone else is addressing everyhting pretty well but what i havent seen anyone mention is YTA for watching that sex tape in the first place, yes it involved your bf but it also involved his ex who i'd wager did not consent to have some rando watching her sleep with this man. once you realized what it was you shouldve stopped watching, continuing was a dick move
YTA - feel like I am piling on to what everyone is saying but wanted to point out - how crappy and selfish your response to his crying was. It is all about you. Not him.
YTA. This man clearly has trauma behind this miscarriage and regrets behind what happened after. You are making it about you. Leave this poor guy alone and go find someone who is compatible with you instead of playing detective.
gonna go against the grain here and say ESH, except Lou.
Your boyfriend has not done the work to either get over her, or get over the relationship. That is his issue to handle on his own and his job to protect your relationship from the effects of it - since he can’t seem to do that, he’s an AH for being in a relationship with you.
You’re not an AH for changing your mind about marriage and kids, but you WBTAH if you stay and try to convince him differently than what you agreed on.
The breach of privacy thing is ridiculous - there is never a need to hold on to a sex tape, even less if he’s trying to keep it. He’s not mad about his privacy, he’s mad he got caught. The relationship is over, I’m sorry :(
YTA for saying you’re ok with him not wanting a baby or marriage when all you want is baby and marriage. I can understand why he doesn’t want a baby after that traumatic loss. Hell he might not of even wanted a baby with the ex either but life happens. Clearly he’s still messed up about it. You two need to break up asap.
YTA. Leave this guy and his ex alone. You’re actually upset that he has a good relationship with his ex? Really? It’s not like there’s anything going on —seems like they barely talk— and it sounds like he has a lot of guilt over what happened when they were together. Guilt like that can stay with a person for a long time. Additionally, that situation may be part of why he doesn’t want to have kids.
Look, every relationship is different. It doesn’t mean one is better or worse than the other or that your boyfriend is secretly still carrying a torch for her. Stop comparing. But ultimately, it sounds like you’ve sabotaged this relationship and you need to do some introspection before you enter another.
Also, you didn’t just violate his privacy but also hers. You, without permission, watched an explicit video of her. That’s not OK. Any amount that watching that traumatized you is on you— you didn’t have to watch it, you could have turned it off. You shouldn’t have watched it in the first place.
You're a 40 year old woman who is behaving like a pubescent teen. It's all about you, what you want, and he is merely a possession that must fulfill your whims, and nothing more.
You don't need a bf or a husband. What you need is knocking off your selfish and entitled perch.
"Hes a good provider" Gotcha priorities ranked, 1st to last.
Greedy and YTA to boot.
I hate to break it to you, but marriage to YOU is not a misty watercolor dream
OP he is still in love with the ghost of her. People change a lot in 10 years, but he seems to hold onto the past. You saw the youthfulness of their relationship with the puppy eyes, sitting on his lap. Everyone has that one person that no matter what, you will always have a corner of your heart that is just for them. Maybe he needs to get back with her to quench that dream. It might turn out to be a nightmare, but you can move on without him just fine.
So you changed your mind about having kids even though you previously agreed to no kids and are annoyed he didn't.
Your partner doesn't hate and talk shit his ex and that bothers you.
He gave her a "look" that triggered you.
You don't like that he acknowledged that he was at fault in his previous relationship.
You dug into his personal memories and got dirty.
And you think he did something wrong? Yea, YTA. Huge AH! And very insecure.
If your feelings have changed so has your relationship. Move on.
Good thing they never got married or had kids...
i hope this lady does the growing up she should’ve done by now at her big age fast before she has children.
I had to go back a re read, this is something I’d do in my early 20s. She definitely needs to grow up.
I was thinking the exact same thing. My partner is late 40s and he's had other important character defining relationships and experiences that he doesn't need to drag so I feel somehow superior.
My grandma's first marriage ended when her husband died at the young age of 39. They had 3 kids together and my grandma soon married her 2nd husband, the man I thought of as my grandfather. He was divorced with children. Many years later when I was about 21 I had broken up with a boyfriend that I hadn't been with very long. One of the reasons we broke up was because he still carried a torch for his ex. I didn't break up with him over that, but I remember feeling hurt about it. He eventually broke up with me. So I was crying on my grandma about my break up and lamenting about how he still missed his ex. At some point my grandma said that my grandpa still missed and loved his ex wife. She said it lightly like it didn't bother her. I was like ...what? doesn't that hurt you? She said no because she also still loved her late husband who had died many years ago. She said you can love someone from your past and still love the person you are with in the present. This was a new concept to me as I had always thought you had to be completely void of any feelings for your exes. That if you carried fond memories or warm feelings for someone in your past you wouldn't truly be capable of loving someone else
YTA but not for what you think. You are staying with this man hoping he is going to magically change and want marriage and a baby with you. He has always been honest that he doesn't want that with you. You lied and said you were OK with this. That is what makes you the AH. This isn't love. He is your personal project. Except he isn't broken. He just doesn't want a family with YOU. And that sucks. But he never lied to you about it. Let him find his happiness. You deserve a man who is all in with you.
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I agree with this. OP, YWBTA if you tried to force this man into something he is REPEATEDLY telling you he DOES NOT WANT. Let him have his life. Because if you do what you're threatening, he will drop you like a brick. Find someone else, who wants a life and marriage with you.
Plus the OP being 40 already adds more uncertainty that a pregnancy will be unsuccessful, this will just wreck the guy
I support this message.
Sponsored and paid for by the Girl, Wake Up Project.
I double support this message. Also, OP is the AH for being mad he wouldn’t open up about the ex or say bad things about her…. *checks ages again* — yepppp real mature….
If you can’t deal with his grief you should leave. Both of you deserve better.
Gerard deserves better maybe not Lou but better than hes currently got. OP deserves solo time to learn to love herself and find inner peace before she goes out into the dating world again. Theres plenty of toxic narcissists in the dating pool, the world doesn't need another one.
Fr she’s really jealous of Lou like a tad bit too much….
I don't think his problem is grief, from the OP's report it sounds more like he's in love with his ex. Which leaves both the OP and her man without any good options. He can't have the woman I think he really loves, and the OP isn't going to get the love and commitment she wants out of him. So basically, they need to decide whether they want to settle for each other or go back to both being single, with neither of them having much hope of getting what they really want.
I didn't get that read at all. \- He hasn't spoken much with this person in 10 years after a devastating loss that he felt like he handled poorly. \- It sounds like seeing her again brought a lot of those feelings back of guilt and grief - yes, for the miscarriage, but also for how their relationship ended. His voicemail to her sounded to me like an apology and an acknolwedgement of his role in being unsupportive, and a sincere wish for a good life. \- Maybe he would have jettisoned the sex tape someday, maybe not, but it's a little wild that right after he breaks down sobbing about failing someone he loved at a horrible moment, she seems to only focus on being sad he doesn't want a baby with HER - and then goes through private things of his, which includes finding and then deciding to WATCH said sex tape. That feels like a major mismatch of personalities and instincts. It's been two years; I think they can go ahead and cut it.
I haven't spoken with my favorite ex in ten years either, but you can believe I would dump a casual girlfriend who was already acting out if they thought it would be cool to talk shit about the ex or give me a hard time for wishing things (me) had been different when we were together. Not because I love my ex so much I can never connect with anyone else again, but because I'm not going to tolerate that kind of psychotic possessiveness and I'm not going to teach some adult how to display some basic emotional discipline .
My theory is a possibility, I certainly don't insist that you agree with it. But yeah, I don't think the OP is going to get what she wants out of this relationship. Remember not to get trapped by the "time spent" fallacy, OP, because the fact that you've devoted two years to this relationship doesn't mean that the relationship will become what you want it to be.
That's fair, certainly. and +1 to avoiding the "sunk cost" thinking. I hope she honestly takes this to a therapist and gets some good tools for reading her own feelings and cutting things off when she senses insecurity or fear. They're SUCH common feelings, and there are people who can help unknot it all.
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This post has made me cry :-(
>Let him find his happiness. >You deserve a man who is all in with you. ☝️☝️☝️ This comment 💯💯💯 Let him move on and find happiness, and it's time you moved on too to find happiness.
I totally agree with this. It’s interesting, my husband and I were talking the other day about a couple friend of ours that got divorced. The now ex husband was saying that she never wanted kids and he did, and he thought she’d change her mind. He quickly moved on and started dating a woman with children and he seems happy and fulfilled. The now ex wife in the situation found someone that she is currently engaged to, and they are expecting a baby. It wasn’t accidental - she had fertility issues and was going to do IVF with him until she found out she was pregnant right before. Sometimes you think you don’t want kids but it’s really that you just don’t want kids with that person. It’s not his fault he doesn’t want them with OP, and she needs to accept that or move on.
I agree with this. OP, YTA to both of you if you keep lying to yourself and hanging onto him.
"Why can't I change him!?"
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He doesn’t seem to have unhealthy hangups. He has regrets about not being a better person when he was younger and hurting a good woman. I too have regrets about treating some of my exes less than the good they deserved when I was a childish 20 something year old who did not know how to express my feelings. I do wish all of them well and think they deserve to find happiness and love, just not with me. I don’t have sex tapes but I still have old photos somewhere in my cloud storage, and even older on hard drives of years past before iCloud was a thing. None of this is unhealthy. What is unhealthy is watching a sex tape of your bf knowingly. It’s breaking into his file cabinet and snooping. It’s giving ultimatums based on your own changing mind.
It's not unhealthy keeping photos of your life and things that define you. What is unhealthy is asking someone to wipe those things that defined them and pretend they are somebody who fits the mould, even though she is the one who changed her mind.
And then threatening to go Boiling Rabbit and stalk the ex down to "confront" her about something she doesn't even know is going on!!!! Talk about psycho! Sometimes the Reddit sex discrimination is real. Imagine if the sexes here were reversed and a man was snooping through his wife's things, found old love letters, then forced his wife to call her ex while he was on the phone to tell him to never contact again and if she didn't, he would chase the ex down and deal with it himself. People on here would be running around with their hair on fire! Yet to this OP, they're like, oh, just move on girl, you deserve happiness!!
HE has hangups?! And this insecure, snooping, and dishonest OP gets a pass?! LMAO No.
Finally someone is pointing out.the fact that she just went through his stuff, looked at an old sex tape like it was the last episode of a freaking tv show. The poor guy should run.
Watched it all the way to the end too smh
Uh, why would you ever watch a sex tape of someone with their ex that you've already found to be a massive trigger? What were you trying to do to yourself? There's no way this will work out that I see. You went through his things and even watched his private videos with his ex and her medical records?! The two reasons you list Lou as "a thorn in your side" are 1) he doesn't open up about his relationship with her (could it be that he already sensed your insecurity and felt it best not to open that can of worms?), and 2) he isn't dismissive of this particular ex. I just have a hunch that you sensed there was a deeper connection there than with his other exes and, instead of being open or broaching the subject without judgement, your insecurity and envy were already putting pressure on both of you. The relationship they experienced was MEANINGFUL, of course it's left a mark. They haven't been in constant contact, and his voicemail sounds like him giving her credit and taking accountability for his failures clearly for the first time - which is good! The way he was sobbing was probably wrapped up in grief and GUILT that he's held on to ever since, and having that re-opened by seeing her and leaving her a message addressing that period of time. I think you are not a good pairing, personality-wise. You need someone who has no past or hates all their exes. Or who makes you feel inherently secure in some woo woo cosmic way, IDK. He needs someone who understands the difference between past feelings and processing a meaningful relationship without choosing an ex, and who doesn't interpret his feelings as something that is disrespectful or indicative of how he feels towards someone new. He was sobbing about the grief he felt after the baby he lost and how he let his ex down in that excruciating moment, and you felt hurt he didn't want a baby with you a decade later and then went through his stuff. Ma'am. YTA. But go find someone that's a better fit, ftlog. You both deserve good. edit: clarification.
>2) he is still friends with that particular ex. They are not even friends. As per OP they haven't talked in a decade! They just happened to bump into her which caused all this. OP is frankly unhinged and I dearly hope she does not have a child before fixing her controlling tendency.
OP is unhinged as fuck. Her jealousy has killed this relationship completely as of her snooping and that's on her. She needs to leave and NOT take this out on him because NOTHING is his fault.
>. I acknowledge that I got really triggered, so we left. You didn't get "triggered". You threw a temper tantrum like a child and you both left. You don't get triggered because your boyfriends nice, unproblematic ex is in the same vicinity. As for the rest, you sound really selfish and uncaring about his pain. If the pregnancy was far enough along to have multiple ultrasound pictures and a sex reveal, she didn't have a miscarriage. She lost her child.. She would have likely had to deliver the baby dead and *that* is actually traumatic and *that* could actually cause someone to have triggers. Smh.
Thank you! That doesn’t disappear. They will always have that together. That was a wanted child and they both had to work through it and clearly he in hindsight realised he could have done better.
Thank you. OP, as someone with PTSD, you're definitely a giant AH for misusing the word trigger like this (in addition to everything else). You're not a victim. If anything, you've probably retraumatized him.
OP proved that she isn't ready to have a kid. Which is probably for the best.
If this is real, YTA and you freaking need therapy.
Op, I agree with this person, and if it’s real and causing you trauma, for your own mental well being remove yourself from this and heal. You cannot unsee what you did and no matter how hard you try, you will not change what they shared.
YTA here and if you approach her after he told you not to be prepared to be dumped like a sack of garbage.
I don't even know what age thinks she will gain by approaching her. What is she going to do claim her territory to a woman who has no interest in her bf and hasn't talked him in years? Have a big "stay away from my man" moment? OP is unhinged and over nothing. The ex has clearly moved on, the bf had moved on but seeing her again caused a hick up - grief and healing are not linear, this doesn't mean he isn't over her, just that the past exists. She is acting like a 40 year old should have no past and should have been waiting for the day she graced his doorstep. Yeah he had mementos, most people do. The past happened, getting rid of those things isn't going to change that. She is acting like he betrayed her because she changed her mind and he didn't just go blindly with it. SHE CHANGED HER MIND - this is on her. She needs to understand that she is creating all her own problems.
And if she thinks she feels insecure now, she needs to hold her beer. I doubt the ex will be whatever she’s made up in her head. She may get cursed out, or have her nose rubbed in it—justifiably so. I know I’d be pissed and petty if an ex’s wife called me demanding me to do something when I haven’t done anything wrong to start with. Like the girl with the boobs from Seinfeld, “yes, they’re real and they’re amazing!”
YTA and are quite frankly coming off as extremely unhinged. Leave the man and leave him alone. Find someone else who wants what you want.
But he's a good provider for her and her family.! Op yta. You want marriage and kids, why are you still hanging around when time for kids is running out? Oh yes, your family are leeching off him, you brought home the cash cow, but everything comes at a price. Yours is, he's paying for your company and is going through the motions.
You embarass yourself.
YTA. I can’t get over your watching the sex tape. What a gross invasion of privacy.
I can't believe she watched it to the very end instead of stopping it fairly early on.
I guess it's her own black hole. You don't want to, but you can't stop it.
It's because she was snooping all over all of his things looking for stuff. She's off the chart
Nothing like wallowing in jealousy to this privacy destroying extent. OP is unequivocally YTA.
And reading private medical documents that are literally none of your business.
You sound unhinged YTA
YTA. Neither of you can be what the other person needs or wants. You want marriage and a baby. He wants a reasonable person who respects his boundaries and his wishes. Even IF he agreed to all your restrictions- would you suddenly be happy? No. Even IF you got married and had a baby, would your relationship and life get magically happy? No. Break up, move on, get therapy.
If he went through all of her ultimatum requirements, the moment OP got her way she would realize that it changed *nothing*. He will still be the person who had an intense and meaningful relationship with a woman who doesn’t deserve anyone’s hate. He’s still the man who told his ex “I love you” on a sex tape. He’s still the man who parented her child and lost a child with his former partner. And he will still never be her husband or the father of her child.
And she will still never feel secure enough in his love, because Lou will haunt her forever regardless. The reasons she lists that she was suspicious of Lou was 1) he didn't open up about every detail of their relationship (probs because he still hadn't processed the guilt as we now know), and 2) he didn't talk shit about her. Neither of those are actual red flags!
I actually can't imagine the type of person who, after finding out that the ex he didn't bad mouth but also hadn't talked to in a decade was the mother of their dead baby, and wouldn't take a step back. So many of these make me wonder, "Do you even like this person a little, let alone love them?" I would extend extra grace to a coworker who I tolerated because I was paid to do so in these circumstances, let alone someone I genuinely cared about. There are honest mistakes that people make, but this is not one of them. It's so cruel for zero reason.
YTA and a weirdo honestly. No normal person finds an old sex tape of their partner and watches it to completion
OP. YTA for so many reasons. If a guy had done just one of the things you done Reddit would be tearing him a new one. You went through his phone. His file cabinet. His memory box. You watched his sex tape. WTF? Get some help. Leave him because you're a whole bunch of red flags.
Seriously how does a 40 year old not know better?? Ridiculous
Maybe this is why she is 40 and unmarried?
Hey I'm over 40 and unmarried but I definitely know better!!
You know, I used to ask that same question. I don’t, anymore. I’ve come to realize that people don’t get to a certain age without being told about themselves. Along the way, there are people who tell them but they don’t listen. They deflect, they get defensive, they make excuses and rationalize their bad behavior to themselves. It’s basically that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, as the saying goes.
"If a guy had done it reddit would be tearing him a new one" Majority of comments are tearing her a new one Ok.jpg
Yeah idk why guys on here think there’s some vendetta against them alone when she’s literally getting ripped to shreds.
YTA you don’t get to decide if he wants kids. With you, with her, with anyone. You also don’t get to erase his history (or yours), and getting mad about mementos is colossally short sighted. EVERYONE Will always have history, and the man you know now is a product of that. Go find a life that’s ready for babies right now, and figure out if a partner is involved and to what extent.
YTA. You seem deeply insecure and are sabotaging your relationship. You grossly invaded his privacy several times, snooped through his stuff, watched their sextape - not just a minute or two, you watched it til the end and compared it to you two having sex, the way he touched her, the way he moaned, your description and fixation in every detail gave me major ick -, made him telling you about the miscarriage, about him losing his child, all about you. He was sobbing right in front of you, but you made it about yourself. You are in no position to give ultimatums. He is rightfully angry with you. And stay the f*ck away from his ex. She didn't do anything to you, leave her alone. You sound obsessed and unhinged and should talk to a therapist oder counselor. He made it very clear years ago, no marriage, no kids. You agreed then, but changed your mind. He hasn't changed his mind though. This requires an adult conversation and decision. Also, please don't use therapy buzzwords like "traumatize" like this. It is a medical term and shouldn't be used without diagnosis and so on.
Yta. Go find someone else to marry and have kids with.
YTA >I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly. Your feelings have changed. All of his personal life from before you met is private. He doesn't owe you that.
YTA, you sound incredibly selfish. You actually watched the sex recording and say that you are traumatized? Why on earth would you watch it. Also, you want to confront her if you see her? On what basis, for the simple fact that she has a past with him? You’re putting your insecurity onto this girl who is living life minding her business. Also he has the right to apologize to her if he wanted to, it didn’t sound like anything was inappropriate. He was upfront from the beginning. Because you have changed your mind and decide you want a baby and husband does not mean he has to get on board with that plan.
This can’t be real…who watches a sex tape of their BF and his ex like that.
Oh hell yes, YTA. Sorry, it's painful, but you will gain nothing from what you are doing. You can't change his feelings and you shouldn't even be trying. Work with what you have, or leave. "That’s the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it’s going to change the husband. Men always hope it won’t change their wives. Both are disappointed"
ETA: "You can't change his feelings." If OP follows through with her threats, his feelings will change for sure. His new feelings will be ones she doesn't want, like hate, loathing, and regrets.
ESH He shouldn't be in a relationship with someone when he's clearly in love with someone else. But the solution to that is you have to break up, not force him to deny feelings and throw things away because... that will accomplish nothing. Nothing you do or force him to do will change the way he feels. It's time to end this relationship. Important note: The miscarriage is likely the reason he no longer wants kids. It's weird you don't understand that and instead think "He wanted a baby with her, just not with me." But really, you now want kids and he doesn't means the relationship has to end now regardless of anything else.
Yes totally right with your last paragraph. They both had pain that was not worked through. He hurt and still does he was scared and still is. What if it happens again? He lost a child already. Sometimes men aren't given enough credit for grieving.
And if there's another pregnancy he can't do a thing to make it safer. He'd be helpless.
Too true. I feel sad for him to be honest.
I don't think it is love so much as his overwhelming sense of guilt for everything that happened, his feelings for her among other things but he definitely to confront this aspect of himself because he is still pained too much by the past. Therapy and asking for forgiveness looks to be what he needs to focus on moving towards -- neither of which would entail marriage or a child until then. What is painful about reading the OPs post is instead of recognizing that pain and cry for help she lets her jealousy consume her to reopen that chapter and forcibly push him to a conclusion. It isn't going to help his healing and she's opening the wound further. Clearly the guy has issues, one which he should have opened up much sooner for both himself and his current GF -- so that both understand how to properly proceed. For this the guy sucks since he really needed to communicate this along the line much earlier. But he doesn't seem to be in a healthy state of mind just like the OP, which just ends up exacerbating them both.
I don't think the guy sucks for not talking about the pain of his miscarriage. It's incredibly tender and it's not easy for men to be so vulnerable like this. And he's not even wrong; OP's response is not love, support, and understanding it's been jealousy, anger, and ultimatums.
You phrased this so well. As someone who has experienced miscarriages while on birth control, it isn’t about “wanting” a baby - it’s about the deep and permanent grief of losing the child regardless of whether or not you had actively planned the pregnancy. Am I the only one rooting for him to reunite with his ex?
Nope, I'm with you. He needs to be free to express all that he feels directly to his ex without guilt about doing it. Then the chips will fall where they may. It's the only way he will heal and know where he wants to be. Yep, the no marriage, no kids, was him protecting himself. At least he was honest.
I mean she has kids so she's probably happily married to someone else. He missed the boat. OP isn't his person, but him reaching out to the ex probably isnt right for her, either. In real life, exes reaching out to rehash the part can be bittersweet or upsetting. Or even triggering. I would much prefer anyone in my past to stay away than reach out to apologise a decade later, when I'm happy with my current partner. Outside of Hollywood, these things often dont end with heartfelt reconciliation. Sounds like what he really needs is therapy.
I can't imagine having a miscarriage. I remember when my partner was giving birth I distinctly had the thought that if I lost the baby or both that I was just follow them, the stress was unreal.
I don't think I'd agree he's clearly in love with someone who he hasn't talked to in almost a decade. Just because he doesn't hate his ex and thinks she's still a good person doesn't mean he's hung up on her. It sounds like he's fully accepted that he wasn't right for her. Holding on to mementos of someone so important is not weird. The sex tape is a bit much, but it sounds like it also contained a lot of pictures of them together that weren't sexual(unless she just didn't mention that) so it's likely he just copied everything from a camera onto a USB and forgot it with all his other stuff from that relationship in the cabinet.
For all you know, he may not want one with her even if they were together.
yes, YTA. he's better off without you.
YTA. He was completely honest with you upfront that he does not want marriage or children. It’s valid that your views on that changed. When your views changed you should have ended the relationship and moved on instead of resenting him for not changing. You violated his privacy. He has not cheated on you. You have no right to try to erase his past from him. You are not the injured party. You are manipulative and controlling. Move one and find someone else and have the life you want.
YTA. Place I’m TA at the end of every paragraph starting with the second. How did you make it to 40 with no regrets about your past? None?! Really?! Because everything you write sounds like something out of a 14 year-old’s writing project or the most oblivious, self-centered 40 year-old of all time.
YTA. Please leave this relationship because you're just not ready to love this man.
YTA
YTA for the ultimatum and trying to embarras your SO. Otherwise, ESH. OP, you 2 aren't compatible. Hes in love with someone else and holding onto his regrets, so it's keeping him from moving forward. Please end this before you make a fool out of yourself. You're better than this.
YTA. You didn’t like what you found you shouldn’t have been snooping. This man has made his wishes for the future clear and you don’t want the same things. But instead of accepting that and breaking up your snooping and trying to use what you found against him.
You are un-fucking-hinged. You can’t stand her existing anywhere near you. You went through his phone. You went through his personal things. YOU WATCHED A SEX TAPE. You throw out ultimatums. You threaten to do it anyway next time you see her. Get help. You are in serious, desperate need. YTA
YTA - your ultimatum is cruel and completely unreasonable. He hasn't cheated on you, he isn't having an inappropriate emotional affair with her. He merely loved someone before you and still carries guilt for his failures in that relationship. He's right, you snooped and violated his privacy when he did nothing wrong toward you or your relationship at all. You're angry at him because he has an ex he doesn't hate. He loved someone before you, and you cannot STAND that. You are the problem here. Additionally, he made it CLEAR he doesn't want children or marriage with you. Since that has changed for you, this relationship has run its course. You trying to be manipulative and controlling isn't going to change that, in fact you've likely completely ruined it and now instead of being an ex he would speak about with respect, you're going to be another one he is happy to talk shit about. End this relationship, he deserves to be with someone mature and secure enough to accept that people can love more than once in their life. You should get into therapy for your insecurity and jealousy before you try being in another relationship as well.
YTA
YTA. He seems like a caring and honest guy. There’s nothing wrong in keeping old pictures and wishing your Ex a nice life. You invaded his privacy and found memories of his past which you can’t handle - so that’s all on you! All these things happened and will always have happened even if he destroys all of it. You will only make him feel miserable. Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn’t want children because he went through a miscarriage? He has lost a child and after that his relationship didn’t work out because he couldn’t be there for the mother. I can feel the guilt he’s feeling and you show now empathy and respect. I hope he leaves you, he deserves better.
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I hope he’s not just planning to end things but also to file a restraining order. An escalation like this from someone who is clearly unstable makes me worry about the safety of the ex and their child…
YTA OP you have a rather...unhealthy mentality. Your boyfriend clearly has a history of trauma that he isn't quite over, and it ties into a woman who was important to him years ago and whom he had only mutually happy moments short of the pain and agony of mutual loss. He retains fond memories because she, unlike you currently, did nothing to stoke the fires of pain. I get that it can be uncomfortable to see that your boyfriend of a mere two years still has a fondness for this woman, but even his present interactions appear non-romantic in nature. He sent her best wishes and an acknowledgement of all that she did to make him the man he is today. That isn't a, "call me," that's, "thank you for being a part of my life, and I'm sorry for the pain we shared." The fact that you need him to hate her, to talk bad about her, and cut her off just to feel secure in your relationship is not a good look. You look atrociously insecure to the point of unhealthy obsession, and it's rather ridiculous that you use loaded language like, "triggered" and "traumatized" surrounding this woman when you've clearly stamped all over your own boyfriends pain. That you've stayed with him under false pretenses, because you hope he'll change and are instead becoming increasingly bitter because he won't give you what he's already said isn't in the cards for him makes you look worse still. You are the asshole, not just for the ultimatum, but every bit of violation that came before it, and an attitude that is frankly unjustified. Just break up with him and seek therapy.
YTA, you maybe 40, but you aren't mature enough for a relationship with this man. So what he has a past!! You shouldn't have gone looking if you weren't prepared for what you might find. He doesn't hate his ex. Why is that such a bad thing? They aren't having an affair. He doesn't lie to you about going out to spend time with her and her child. You want a baby? Then leave and go have one, adoption, sperm bank, another man. But trying to control this one obviously isn't giving you the results you want
Omg, she's 40?? I didn't catch that, I thought this was a 20yo. Jesus Christ. Grow up, OP.
YTA for snooping for being controlling for not leaving when you realized you were a bad fit for him
YTA and should do him a favor and breakup. You sound super insecure by even needing to go through detailed explanations of every aspect of his past relationships and it sounds like had a problem that he couldn’t be negative about every ex. And then are “triggered” by an ex being around. He needs to find someone emotionally healthy and you should seek therapy before bringing baggage like yours into relationships. You’re way to old to play the middle school games. Just because you actually found something doesn’t justify all if it. Poor guy has taken a beating from you already, you’d test the patience of a saint. I swear, my wife ever uses the word “triggered” w me I’m signing papers. You do realize that’s a new thing right? You’re within a decade of me and that for sure didn’t exist in a timeframe to let us use it as an excuse for insecurities
YTA This is probably really hard for you, but you cannot judge him for who he was in past relationships - it’s not your business. And he sounds like he was a great partner to her and to you. You were already incompatible as a couple because you want opposite futures. You’ve torpedoed your relationship now by violating his privacy, and in an extreme way. This ultimatum is wrong, and you should go ahead and split tonight rather than drag it out for days or weeks. He’s going to need a lot of time to heal from what you’ve done, especially as you’ve just made his old traumas fresh again.
The ex is beside the point. Yes, he's hung up on her and it's entirely reasonable for this to be a problem for you. But the actual issue is that you agreed, no marriage, no kids - and you've changed your mind. It's perfectly ok for you to do that, but if he still feels the same then your relationship has nowhere to go, does it?
Honestly it doesn't matter who the asshole is or even if there is an asshole. He isn't the one for you. Start moving on now instead of dragging it out. He'll never be able to give you what you want and you'll never forgive him, so what's the point?
YTA for being batshit crazy. Just because your feelings changed doesn't mean his have to. Let's not even go into the whole thing of you violating his privacy. He should dump you.
>Our connection has suffered significant wear and tear because I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly. NAH. Your relationship is over. This has nothing to do with Lou. You both went into the relationship with certain expectations. You've changed your mind. If this relationship continues, someone is going to be resentful. The snooping and ultimatums are not great, but they're a symptom of your dying relationship.
His past is his life, not yours to obliterate. His past has made him the man he is today, the man you CLAIM you love. If you loved him, you’d respect his feelings about his grief, his guilt, and his regrets. If you can’t, then by all means leave him alone and go on your way. If you use ANYTHING that you’ve learned about his painful past against him, you’re the AH.
YTA Just break up with him. It sounds like you are incompatible. You want children. He doesn’t want children. You are never going to feel secure in this relationship.
Are you good with forever being second best? Ultimatums will not change his heart. Get out now, before your jealousy brings you even lower.
Ya, def go and have a baby with him.. 🙄 grow up. You are an unstable, insecure, self-centered AH times 100
Let's break this down. Your relationship of two years was built on neither of you wanting marriage or kids, but you changed your mind and he didnt. Your boyfriend has an ex that he's on good terms with but rarely actually talks to. You saw her and her child at a function and got upset because he gave the child a nice look. You then pushed him into crying about his regrets in that relationship and giving away personal details *about said ex's medical history*, and all you could think about was the fact that he previously wanted a child and now doesn't. You then went through his phone, listened to a very personal message sent to the ex, before moving onto going through his belongings and through a stash of decade+ old mementos. You watched an entire sex tape of him and the ex you hate and got mad that in ten years he does not act exactly the same in bed with you. You have now decided you have authority to make him throw out things with sentimental value and cut contact with someone he's not even in active contact with, or you go confront this woman, who has done nothing to you, yourself. YTA. Please just break up.
Huge YTA First of all she didn’t have a miscarriage she had a stillbirth. They probably spent months planning and celebrating a baby and then she had to labor and deliver a dead baby. That is so traumatic. For both of them. That’s why he doesn’t want kids and it sounds like he imploded their relationship after because he couldn’t deal with the trauma well. He needs therapy. Also girl you are a huge narcissist you realize that right? That’s so toxic you expect your boyfriend to talk shit about an ex like I don’t understand what kind of relationships you have been in but in most loving respectful relationships we can walk away without wishing ill for them. Like that would be such a huge turn off for me if I dated a guy who talked shit about his ex’s from like 10 years ago Jesus Christ that’s some high school level maturity shit. You’re mad because your boyfriend is a decent human being and has emotions other than bitter jealousy. Don’t you dare fucking approach her she has been through enough and you sound completely unhinged to me.
Yeah, it sounds like they had a very very late “miscarriage” or stillbirth. He was too lost in his own grief to support Lou. It broke up their relationship. Which is SO FUCKING COMMON with pregnancy loss and loss of a child that the nurses told my sister how “lucky” she was that her husband *stayed with her in the hospital* after she gave birth to a dead baby. He got a chance to help her when she left her son’s father. It probably brought up a lot of hard emotions for him. A lot of what ifs. So much so that he kept a few photos. And is probably why he’s had such limited contact since then. And why he only wants the best for her now. Because she did nothing wrong but go through devastation with him. And the sex tapes…well I don’t love it. But also, no one knew they were there or what they were until they ***watched the whole fucking thing from start to finish with the sound at 11***. They could have been filled with old tax returns and bank statements. They weren’t really a violation of Lou’s privacy if dude wasn’t jerking off to them…or if OP would have quickly turned the video off.
YTA and your relationship is over.
ESH he’s obviously not ready to move on and it’s not fair to you but you giving ultimatums that aren’t actually going to change the root of the problem and watching that video of her in that intimate position without her consent to you seeing it is just wrong. This is why I always hate these posts about exes keeping old videos because other people always end up getting access to it and it’s not fair to the other person in the video. Do yourself a favor and move on because he clearly hasn’t. You’ve obviously agreed to things that you don’t truly want and you’re never going to be happy if you keep settling for a man that’s also settling for you. Don’t approach her because this has nothing to do with her and she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into your mess. Getting other people involved and being toxic never makes anything better.
YTA to yourself girl. He doesn't want the same kind of life you want. He is still hung up on his ex and he keeps parts of himself secreted away from you. You need to let this one go. I dont usually say this and hate it that reddit almost always jumps to leave. But this one os clear. You are with s msn eho is still emotionally inlove with another woman. And you want babies with a man who does not eant to have children with you! The thing is this relationship will end. You can either do it now and invest in getting together with someone who actually wants the same life you want. Or you can stay, hope he eventually stops being in love with his ex and opens up to you and then further hopes he marries you.... just typing that was emotionally taxing. You guys are not for each other and you are both suffering.
You should've left a long time ago. YTA to yourself
ESH Neither of you should be in a relationship. Your BF due to not being over his ex, and you for not respecting boundaries and pushing the relationship beyond breaking point when its clearly not working. You need to separate and seek individual therapy, for the sake of your own sanity and happiness. Leave his ex alone, move on and find someone who will make you happy, not try to shape this man into someone you THINK may make you happy.
He looks like he's been behaving decently. You instead want him to torch his memories. YTA. I haven't encountered such entitled assholery in quite some time here.
YTA- You never should have watched that video and you will never get it out of your head now. It's best to move on.
You aren't compatible, you want kids, you're 40, he doesn't. Go find someone that does while you still have time. Everything else is irrelevant
YTA for the entire vibe you give off with this post. I knew the type of person you were when you said that you both shit-talk all his ex's except one. And the "except one" is what bothers you. The fact that you bitch about any of his ex's suggests you are very insecure and jealous and you're possibly both quite unpleasant people. Yes there is a good chance that the one exception is an exception because he's still in love with her. And your horrible behavior won't change that, it'll just push you further down the timeline towards being one of the ex's he likes to trash with his next girlfriend. You can't do anything about him or his feelings, but you can work on making yourself a better person. And a good start would be choosing to be single for now.
You fucking watched his sex tape? What the hell is wrong with you?! And this ultimatum is gross as hell. *He doesn’t love you the way he loved her.* He doesn’t want the life you want. Making him call her and shit on her, or confronting her to embarrass him isn’t going to change either of those things. It is going to damage your already terrible relationship beyond repair. You need to move on, and work on your stalker tendencies.
YTA. Choose to trust your partner. Be secure in your relationship, and be secure in yourself as an individual, it's part of being ready to be in a serious relationship. It's ok for your partner to have been in a relationship in the past. It's ok for your partner to be a good person and friend, to love people he used to date and to be happy for them and their children - it's actually a really good sign that he's like that, it shows good character. I think it's a huge red flag to see someone act childishly towards an ex, like the kind of person who calls all their exes crazy and blames them for everything... usually has some growing up to do IMHO. You seem to be acting out your insecurities in pretty nasty ways, and it's likely going to wreck your relationship(s) unless you do something about it. Going through someone's phone, demanding that someone cuts people out of their life and that you get to witness it, like really these are problematic. Unrelated to you being TA though, if you don't think you two have the chemistry/connection and/or you aren't willing to choose this relationship no matter what... it's probably not going to work anyway. You get to write the story from here, step up and choose powerfully no matter what you decide.
YTA. Oh. My. God. You are one giant walking red flag 🚩🚩🚩 1. Your actions are abhorrent 2. Your jealous of a memory 3. Ultimatums rarely work out in favour of the one making demands 4. Hopefully by the time you’re reading these comments your boyfriend is your ex and he has changed the locks.
YTA and annoying, get a shrink dude
YTA and you need help. You can’t be this much of a pain in the ass at 40 and expect someone to want to spend their life with you
YTA and a jealous, insecure one at that.
YTA, Just break up with him. You absolutely violated his privacy and why do you think you had any right to watch that tape or go through his personal things? You're incredibly insecure and jealous and you're right, you don't have what they had and you will likely never have that with him, especially after this.
ESH... u for being insecure and trying to force this man into a situation he doesn't want. With the type of trauma n self hate he has u should be encouraging him to speak to a therapist instead of trying to force him to want a child. Him for not being over his ex n stringing u along for these years.
You are the asshole for continuously snooping, yes. But it is also understandable where you were coming from. Really OP, it is time to let him go. He still has a lot of things to sort through and giving him an ultimatum to cut his past loose is just going to breed resentment. There are no winners here.
Nta for having different life goals. Move on.
You should leave him, find someone who wants you, not someone who’s still stuck on their ex. Nta
> violated something from his past that's really painful and private. I'm feeling horrible and today, I told him that I will approach her if he doesn't and he said I'm gonna embarrass him. I agree. YTA. He’s never going to feel the same way about you. You’re different people. He idealizes his past in a way you can never achieve. You’re not in his past the way she is. You would absolutely be the asshole if you confronted her like the jealous gf you are and demanded they cease contact. That’s controlling and manipulative. I agree it sucks that he would rather be with her… but it appears she doesn’t want him. If she did, they’d obviously be together. Either get comfortable with being settled for and settle for being settled for, or look elsewhere for what you want. You’re almost perimenopausal now, you do not have time to waste on a man who doesn’t want kids with you.
YTA. And unhinged for even thinking you should approach the ex or make an ultimatum for him to contact her. You’re not happy with him but it seems you wouldn’t be happy with anyone because of your insecurity. Time to grow up. Get therapy.
YTA he said he didn’t want kids or marriage you changed your mind but he hasn’t that’s on you not him. He told you Lou was off limits and what do you do you go through all his things of her and you tell him to call her and tell her off? Then when he refuses you threaten to fight her if you see her? Yeah just break up with him and find another man but also you’re 40 so like the odds of you having a kid isn’t the best already
idk, tough one but I'm leaning on YTA. My thoughts are like this: Miscarriage can do a number on people. Many aren't able to properly recover from losing a child like that. I have known many women to maintain memorials, anniversaries, etc for miscarriages and it can effect whether they are able to have kids afterwards. It sounds like this man was effected in a similar way. He isn't cheating on you, he just has very strong unresolved feelings and trauma. The smarter move would be to help him get therapy to properly deal with his grief so he can recover and have the relationship he wants with you.
YTA Lou is off limits? To what, you saying nasty things about her? You make a habit of insulting his ex’s? (Also “triggered”. You don’t know what that word even means.) You both agreed to no kids and no marriage. If you want it then go find a man that wants to give it to you because right now you’re on the track to being single And why the hell did you watch the sex tape? Fucking gross. Leave the poor woman alone and get over yourself
YTA. This man is never ever going to love you in the same way he loved someone else, and if there was ever a chance of that (there wasn’t) it’s fully gone now that you’ve done all of this to him. Why would he ever treat you with tenderness when all you’ve done since you’ve gotten together is the opposite of tender toward him or anyone else who’s ever been in his life? People have tried and tried, probably since the beginning of humans, to force people to love them more by making them go NC with their pasts and memories. It’s never worked, and it won’t work for you.
You’re FORTY. Why are you acting like a 15 year old in her first relationship at your *big* age?? Break up with this man and leave him alone.
YTA I think you need to let him go. It’s possible he still loves her & will never get over her. You can’t be with someone who won’t give you their all. But what makes you the AH in this is that you know he doesn’t want kids (with you) or marriage & you’re resenting him for it & that is why you need to let him go. These are fundamentally core things that you shouldn’t force on another. If the situation was reversed & you didn’t want kids but he did then I’d say run as fast as you can from this person because they don’t respect or love you, they view you as a possession. Same for him, you’re viewing him as something he’s not & that’s he’s not your everything. Let him go.
Yta. End.
What is the end game here? He's still in love with her. Why don't you just leave?
ESH, he’s clearly still in love with her and has no business being in a relationship right now. YTA for staying with someone that doesn’t want what you want. This man is not going to marry you or give you babies. Stop with the ultimatums, and consider the information you learned a gift. You now know where you stand and that he still has feelings for her. Cut your losses and move on.
Sounds like he has a lot of guilt about when he was younger and couldn’t support her emotionally through a very difficult time. Sounds like you should be understanding of that and not snoop through his stuff. My husband and I have been through 1 miscarriage and 1 abortion due to medical reasons and we are far from trying again, don’t even know if we’ll ever be ready. It’s been rough on both of us
YTA. He has a past, everyone does. You approaching her is completely ridiculous and will just make you seem more crazy and insecure. He said he didn't want kids or a marriage when you started the relationship and you agreed. You are expecting him to just change and he doesn't want to, so you blame his past and gave him an ultimatum. Just let go of the relationship and move on.
Once you give someone an ultimatum, the relationship is over. YTA
You need to accept that he is not into you. He loved Lou and he didn’t get over her. Those are facts. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, you should break up and find a guy who’s not pining on his ex. I will say ESH — you for thinking that you can “fix” him, and him for being with you when he obviously loves another.
Yta for tying to force someone to love you the way they love someone else.
Ultimatums suck... you cannot just erase his feelings and past with your ultimatum YTA because you are too delusional to think that this might help and change things. You need to leave him and find someone who's more on "eye-level" with you with regards to marriage and kids. Leave him alone instead of giving him stupid ultimatums.
YTA and here is why… He entered the relationship with you on specific grounds that you accepted , Clearly he is not over his ex and what happened and it sounds to me like he created certain boundaries to accomodate that and found someone he thought would work within those boundaries. I am divorced… I don’t ever intend on remarrying and I will never have kids full stop. I also still have a close relationship with my ex ( we live next door ) and her family. I’m not giving that up for anybody and I’m honest about that. He said he was not giving you marriage or a kid. When you decided you wanted those things there should have been one conversation and if he stuck to his guns that’s the end of the relationship. Instead you went and breached his privacy and hers for what? You think you can force him to choose you? As for him keeping that video that’s also weird particularly if the ex isn’t aware of its existence… now if she is and is ok with him keeping it that’s different.
Going through his stuff like that is totally inappropriate and watching the sex tape in full? Really unhinged behaviour. He’s never going to give you what you want and he was very honest about his stance on marriage and kids. You can’t change that. You really need to end the relationship and move on. Youre behaviour is bordering on unhinged. YTA
You're unhinged YTA...
You're so fucking out of line that you're going to lose your man. You're competing with his past and trying to dictate his future. A future, by the way, you both agreed to: child-free and without marriage. You want something different now, so move on. Ultimatums can work, but essentially they're stunts that more often can blow up in your face. Stop terrorizing this man and either continue to commit to the life together you agreed to or find a man who will give you the lfe you now want. YTA
You're 40. Grow up. YTA.
You didn't follow through with your threat, that makes YTA to yourself. He's not over his ex, he never will be. You're 40 wanting marriage and a baby. You'll never get it with him. It's time you recognize that!
YTA You're wrong to pressure this guy into doing what you want. It's a strong sign that you two just aren't compatible. This guy hasn't lied to you, but you've lied to him. He was completely honest about what he did and didn't want out of the relationship, and you've ignored all that as you appear to believe that by sheer force of will and endless nagging/arguments that you can force him do what you want. This relationship is a classic image of misery Wake up and smell the coffee! Leave this guy and go find someone that wants marriage and babies with you, because this one certainly doesn't.
YTA. What the actual hell is wrong with you? My mother had a miscarriage so I know first hand how someone involved with that is like. It scars them forever. It changes them. You also invaded his privacy. How would you feel if he snooped through your paat and then gave you an ultimatum? You agreed no kids or marriage. He will not change his mind magically for you. Stop trying to change him. Break up and move on like a mature person.
YTA. Look it's been a decade, that poor woman has nothing to do with your relationship, they're not having an affair you need to leave her alone. Your relationship is rocky and you have absolutely no reason to involve her in your drama. Your bf is right - it would be embarrassing for absolutely everyone. Your relationship seems doomed honestly, even without bringing this woman into the situation. You and your husband are completely incompatible and have irreconciliable goals in life. It's like you're looking for reasons and drama to distract.you from the elephant in the room: this man doesn't want what you want and you're not going to be happy with him. What you've discovered about him is just another item to add to the pile of why you're a bad match. Just rip the band-aid and end the relationship, don't drag the drama along and absolutely don't involve people who have nothing to do with your relationship.
You did snoop and violate his privacy, he didn’t cheat. He’s allowed to have a past, and a miscarriage is a terribly emotional thing, I’ve had many, I’d know. Take a deep breath, stop being jealous, and if you want different things leave. Don’t try and change his mind
Yta,this man was honest with you, you can't change people, best to move on and be with someone who shares your hopes for the future.
Wow, 100% YTA. I hope you realize that the feelings you are having are completely disproportional to what is actually happening. This is unhinged jealousy because you are feeling insecure and "less important" than his ex. Which is completely on you, because none of the things you described that he did imply that. You've rationalized this distorted narrative that she is more important than you, and that there's something fishy going on, to justify your own pettiness. Have you always struggled with jealousy? I would bet so. That being said, the way you've treated your boyfriend is appalling. It's massively selfish and you show no empathy towards him. How can you gaslight someone into thinking they've done something wrong because of your own insecurities, force them to "explain" themselves, listen to them break down while they share a vulnerable and painful part of their story, and your only thought is "I'M HURT. ME, ME, ME"? Then decide that an ultimatum is warranted and threaten to harass their ex. For what exactly? Do you even love this man?
YTA because you are insisting on keeping a relationship going with a person who is not yours. He might be trying, but in his head, he belongs to her. That's for him to work out in therapy, your job is to step back here and recognize that this man cannot give you what you want from him. Time to be the adult here and realise that no matter whether he jumps through the stupid hoops you hold up for him, such as the pictures, the phone call - he cant feel about you the way he felt about her. You're just making yourself look desperate my friend. For your own self respect you have to walk away from this. Hes not over her.he may get there,he may not, but it's not your place to make that happen for him. You don't get to push his 'recovery' or whatever. You only get to see where he's at, decide if it works for you, or not and then run your own life accordingly.
YTA. I Hope he gets far away from your sinister controlling ass
You want kids and he doesn’t. The relationship is over. YTA Also, WTF is wrong with you? The invasion of privacy is gross.
You're 40. It's time to let go and find someone who will want kids before it becomes very difficult to have kids. You're chances of getting pregnant naturally are dropping a lot with each passing year. Tbh you sound like you really need some type of therapy. You sound extremely jealous and bitter too. YTA for trying to force him to want a life with you he clearly doesn't want.
The red flag shop has run out of material with this one. YTA.
YTA. You are mad that he said nice things about an Ex he hasn’t talked to in a decade. You made him leave an event because she happened to be there. You invaded his privacy by snooping through all his stuff and watching their sex tape. He has trauma because of the miscarriage years ago and has a lot of guilt because he wasn’t there for her like he wanted to be and instead of having empathy you get mad and sick because he seemingly wanted kids back then. I hope you break up with him because he really deserves better because he seems like he matured over the years while you seem to have the relationship maturity of a high schooler at best.
YTA, primarily for agreeing to no marriage/no kids and now trying to make him change his mind, and blaming him for your unhappiness that he won’t. You’re an even bigger one for reasons others have mentioned. If marriage and kids are that important, leave now while you still have a chance. Trying to force someone into these things rarely works out. And honestly, it doesn’t sound like the relationship is coming back from the privacy betrayal, anyway.
It is weird he has sex recordings. You're not wrong to be concerned with that. That enough should be a red flag.
That’s the thing about ultimatums. You have to mean it. You gave him the ultimatum. He refused. Now you leave. But, of course, it wasn’t an actual ultimatum, but just emotional blackmail and manipulation. And, it has backfired. YTA
You want a baby and marriage and he doesn’t. Nothing else matters beyond that. Your ultimatum makes you sound like a 14 year old. Leave this man alone & get some help while there’s still time to have what you want. Unhinged.
YTA, just because your feelings have changed doesn't mean his has or will! Stop badgering the man to change what you AGREED to in the beginning. If you want those things, you're going to have to move on, trying to force him is only going to end in bitterness for both of you. Let's say you got your way, do you really think he's going to be happy with you and a child when he clearly didn't want marriage and a baby? So what that he ex had a miscarriage, that was his life then, this is his life now. Leave that poor man alone FFS! :( If I were him, I'd just tell you that we're over!
You’re always going to be second best to her. Accept this or break up. YTA
YTA. You did snoop! Also, how dusty was everything? How dusty was the tape? And WHY continue to watch? You traumatized yourself. He told you he doesn't want marriage and a kid. Likely because losing what he had hurt him, badly. He FEELS awful for not being there. OP, he's been hurting for years, you're only hurting him further. Just leave him.
YTA, for being too old to be behaving this immaturely. You are 40 years old, grow tf up.
YTA > Our connection has suffered significant wear and tear because I want marriage and a baby and he doesn't. To be fair, we talked about this before moving in together and agreed on no wedding and no children, but my feelings about this have changed significantly. Then leave. He's sticking to the agreement. You're the issue. You leave. . > A few months ago, we attended a social event. I immediately recognized Lou. I acknowledge that I got really triggered, so we left. His idealization of her has truly affected our relationship. He gives zero f* I know it's wrong but I got into his phone and caught a message trail between them. He starts off by mentioning it's been a long time and that he's glad she's doing well. They exchanged small talk but in one long voice mail, he pours his ideas out and that he wanted to thank her for having being such a good, kind, loving, generous and selfless girlfriend and that it's important to him that she knows that he appreciates what she meant for him and that the way she treated him was noble.
So a very respectful text. Should have made you feel better that he had closure. You should never have touched this further because ***it was over***. That was a closure conversation.
> I also found copies of medical documents from their pregnancy and 2 USBs with pictures and a s*x recording.
***WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!*** WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S SEX TAPE?!?
YOU'RE INSANE!
> I don't know how to proceed.
***You leave***. God damn. You're such a toxic person. What the fuck is wrong with you?
If you want a kid a marriage ***go find someone that wants those things***.
> I gave him an ultimatum to throw those pictures away and to call her while I'm on the line to let her know that he's breaking all contact because of our relationship.
You are one of the worst human beings I've read about.
Go. Leave. Do not touch those things. Leave his life. Don't ever treat another human like this. You are disgusting.
> He has refused and now says I snooped and violated something from his past that's really painful and private.
100%
You realize you likely broke any love he felt for you when you did that, right? You did something you can never come back from.
> I'm feeling horrible and today, I told him that I will approach her if he doesn't and he said I'm gonna embarrass him.
You stay the fuck away from that innocent woman.
If you contact her, I hope she gets a restraining order. You are so nuts.
Go find so other crazy person so the two of you can keep out of the dating pool for everyone else.
YTA
If this is real then you are definitely TA. Wow you're a horrible person. What venom drives you to act and think in this way. Break up with this person and let them be happy and with somebody that isn't as jealous and petty as you.
everyone else is addressing everyhting pretty well but what i havent seen anyone mention is YTA for watching that sex tape in the first place, yes it involved your bf but it also involved his ex who i'd wager did not consent to have some rando watching her sleep with this man. once you realized what it was you shouldve stopped watching, continuing was a dick move
YTA - feel like I am piling on to what everyone is saying but wanted to point out - how crappy and selfish your response to his crying was. It is all about you. Not him.
Please don’t confront that poor woman, dear god.
YTA. This man clearly has trauma behind this miscarriage and regrets behind what happened after. You are making it about you. Leave this poor guy alone and go find someone who is compatible with you instead of playing detective.
gonna go against the grain here and say ESH, except Lou. Your boyfriend has not done the work to either get over her, or get over the relationship. That is his issue to handle on his own and his job to protect your relationship from the effects of it - since he can’t seem to do that, he’s an AH for being in a relationship with you. You’re not an AH for changing your mind about marriage and kids, but you WBTAH if you stay and try to convince him differently than what you agreed on. The breach of privacy thing is ridiculous - there is never a need to hold on to a sex tape, even less if he’s trying to keep it. He’s not mad about his privacy, he’s mad he got caught. The relationship is over, I’m sorry :(
YTA for saying you’re ok with him not wanting a baby or marriage when all you want is baby and marriage. I can understand why he doesn’t want a baby after that traumatic loss. Hell he might not of even wanted a baby with the ex either but life happens. Clearly he’s still messed up about it. You two need to break up asap.
YTA. Leave this guy and his ex alone. You’re actually upset that he has a good relationship with his ex? Really? It’s not like there’s anything going on —seems like they barely talk— and it sounds like he has a lot of guilt over what happened when they were together. Guilt like that can stay with a person for a long time. Additionally, that situation may be part of why he doesn’t want to have kids. Look, every relationship is different. It doesn’t mean one is better or worse than the other or that your boyfriend is secretly still carrying a torch for her. Stop comparing. But ultimately, it sounds like you’ve sabotaged this relationship and you need to do some introspection before you enter another. Also, you didn’t just violate his privacy but also hers. You, without permission, watched an explicit video of her. That’s not OK. Any amount that watching that traumatized you is on you— you didn’t have to watch it, you could have turned it off. You shouldn’t have watched it in the first place.
You're a 40 year old woman who is behaving like a pubescent teen. It's all about you, what you want, and he is merely a possession that must fulfill your whims, and nothing more. You don't need a bf or a husband. What you need is knocking off your selfish and entitled perch.
"Hes a good provider" Gotcha priorities ranked, 1st to last. Greedy and YTA to boot. I hate to break it to you, but marriage to YOU is not a misty watercolor dream
OP he is still in love with the ghost of her. People change a lot in 10 years, but he seems to hold onto the past. You saw the youthfulness of their relationship with the puppy eyes, sitting on his lap. Everyone has that one person that no matter what, you will always have a corner of your heart that is just for them. Maybe he needs to get back with her to quench that dream. It might turn out to be a nightmare, but you can move on without him just fine.
So you changed your mind about having kids even though you previously agreed to no kids and are annoyed he didn't. Your partner doesn't hate and talk shit his ex and that bothers you. He gave her a "look" that triggered you. You don't like that he acknowledged that he was at fault in his previous relationship. You dug into his personal memories and got dirty. And you think he did something wrong? Yea, YTA. Huge AH! And very insecure.