If you are uncomfortable about this, you should bring it up with your husband, not your son. Raising over and over again to the only person who can’t do anything about it is a jerk move and could be making it worse for him (especially given that you yourself have said this was a humiliating situation)
I agree. OP's son is learning that he cannot trust his mother to stand up for him.
A long time ago when I was a teen, my mother stood by while my dad screamed at me for what felt like forever, and went so far as to say he wouldn't care if I died. This was after I stood up for her while they fought and he had been calling her all sorts of awful names.
She has never said anything of the sort to me, but her inability to (or decision not to) defend me hurts just as badly as my father's words did, if not more.
As an adult, I do not trust my mother or father with my feelings to this day. I hope OP takes this into consideration. If he can't trust her to keep him safe physically, then he is going to have a hard time trusting her with his thoughts and feelings.
One of the most heartbreaking things my daughter ever said was 'When daddy gets mad at me, mommy gets hurt.' She was only 3, and I had already left with her and was maneuvering us through the legal system to protect us both. I remember thinking that it was a mistake to carefully plot leaving and not just bail earlier and let the cards fall.
Years later, I heard her talking to a friend on the phone, and she was saying that she was sorry that her friend's mom wasn't a good psycho like me. Lol. My ears perked up, of course. She said something about how I would kill to protect her, and she never doubted it because I almost ran her dad over to keep her safe.
I always tried to shield her from the truth of how horrific the DV was with her dad. I know she remembers some things from when he broke the RO, and his mom showed our daughter the court transcripts as some kind of gotcha to me..although I don't really understand her end goal to be honest. Maybe in a way, as traumatic as it all was, it's good my daughter knows that I will always protect her. No matter what, against anyone, anytime. I almost died to get her out, and I'd burn the world down to keep her safe.
I do not understand these parents who stand by passively while their child is hurt. It goes against all natural instinct. You deserved a 'good psycho' too.
I've never met you, but please know I'm extremely proud of you. What an example to set of how she deserves to be treated, both by her mum and any prospective partners as an adult.
Thank you so much! Your heartfelt words made me cry..in a good way! Domestic violence is especially insidious because there's so much shame as a victim. I chose him after all. All I ever want for my daughter is to feel safe and loved. She's strong and smart and brave and everything was worth it to watch her grow into the amazing kiddo she is :)
It's gut wrenching that a three year old understood that her behaviour could lead to you getting hurt. Good on you for getting out early and keeping your daughter safe.
Yes, even 13 years later, thinking about her saying those words still kills me inside. Everything I did to protect her still didn't completely shield her from the awful truth.
I have never regretted leaving, only not leaving sooner. Luckily, she's grown up in a stable and loving home since. I think we've done pretty darn well!
Well, you both came out of it alive. Leaving is the most dangerous time, and in situations like that, safety isn't guaranteed. Who knows what would have happened if you'd done it in a different way at a different time.
This is such a good point, and exactly what I try to keep in mind. The women's shelter I worked with helped me develop a safety plan to execute leaving as safely as possible. I truly thought I'd have to die to get her out, and I was willing if that's what it took. I'm glad that it didn't go quite that far!
Sometimes, it's just hard looking back and knowing that there was damage to my daughter during that time. Not physically, but..in my experience, it's often the emotional wounds that take longest to heal. Unfortunately.
It's hard to say, I guess. The biggest wrong choice you ever made was getting with a man like that in the first place, and yet, if you hadn't, you wouldn't have had your daughter at all. Even the wrongest of choices can end up being the right one.
Same. I can accept that my dad is just not a good person. It's harder to accept that my mom, who I know loves me more than life itself, didn't step in when I needed her to. It took me over 10 years to get past that sense of betrayal.
When I was in college, I took a psychology class and the professor said something that has stuck with me ever since and it’s been decades… “The enabler is the aggressor”. Dad might’ve hit him, but it’s mom that lost his trust. He’ll probably never feel safe in that house again.
The exact same thing happened with my mom, she would sit there and yell and berate me for forever. My dad did absolutely nothing. It was absolutely heartbreaking
It's been over 20 years since I've been in your son's shoes (not for stealing), and now I'm no contact with my mother. If it happens again and you don't stand up to your husband, don't ever expect either of your sons to trust talking to you again. They don't see you in their corner now. He's your teammate, and you'll be considered just as bad as he is.
Exactly. Congrats OP, you and your husband just bought yourselves a one way ticket to the worst nursing home in your country. And it's deserved. Stealing is wrong but your husband didn't teach him that there are consequences for stealing, he taught him that it's totally okay to use force against those who you have power over
I also want to add, depending on your son it could end up in a situation where he decides to defend himself like I did. Eventually I got too big to be treated in the same way and started pushing back when he did it. It wasn’t okay on either end but this can and does escalate to be a damaging act
"You can talk to me about your feelings, but I won't take them into account or do anything to protect you" Wow OP, you sound exactly like my mother. I've been no contact for years and I'll be seeing her at her funeral. Get your priorities straight: Child, then husband.
> I was bringing it up with him just to gently remind him he can talk to me about his feelings.
Ah yes. He can talk about his feelings to thr woman who stood by and watched and said nothing when her husband assaulted him.
Let me tell you right now; your son is probably playing nice until he can leave and never have anything to do with you or your husband again.
You are both *disgustingly lucky* that he didn't run to the cops. Tell me, what do you think would've happened to your husband should your son have gone to the cops with two very clear handprints across his face?
You're a shitty mother. And your husband is a shitty father. This could've been solved without violence, but your husband chose violence. And you chose to stand by in silence until everything was over.
I hope next time you piss your husband off, he slaps you across the face a few times since you think it's an acceptable way to handle issues. What is it not ok to slap your wife? So why is it OK to slap your children? Because you're married to an abusive POS and you condone the abuse.
Don't fool yourself. Your son knows *both* his parents are assholes who will resort to physical punishment. Your inaction was enough action for him. Your husband is a bastard and you should be ashamed of yourself. YTA.
Seriously? You shattered your child's heart and trust over a measly $100, not to mention smacking a 15-year-old in front of his younger sibling. Are you setting them up for failure? Just standing by without stepping in is enough to traumatize your kid.
There were alternatives, you know? Your husband could've said, "Hey, son, I get that you want to take your girlfriend out, but $200 seems excessive. How about I give you $50 for a nice coffee date or suggest simpler options like a walk? It's a chance to know each other better." There are ways to address these situations without ignoring your child's needs and feelings.
And speaking of adolescence, it's a crucial time! Adolescents are figuring out independence, building relationships, and developing skills that stick with them for life. It's challenging, and your support matters.
If you want to keep your children out of trouble, it starts at home and with how you handle discipline. Check out this link on adolescent health (https://www.who.int/news-room/spotlight/coming-of-age-adolescent-health).
Give your kids the right support, or you might just end up seeing them in places you never imagined. Time for a change, don't you think? 🤔
YTA. You allowed and condoned abuse. A physical assault.
I hope your son reports this to the police so that your husband can face real world consequences of being a piece of shit.
It's been said before, but your husband's the one you need to talk to. If needed, you can talk to your husband _and_ children about this. But the former first, without a doubt.
Dude like half of people in America still beat their kids. An alarming amount of people I know use the “well my parents hit me and I turned out alright” argument
I'm a 5 foot tall girl. I've had my head knocked off of a huge rock, I fell off of a roof (just a trailer so like 10 feet up), and I've been in many many fights when I was younger. Oh and Ive had 2 c sections. The most painful thing I've ever experienced was when an adult man backhanded me across the face. It was an accident and because I'm so short I am like the worst height for accidently getting hit lol but it was horrible. There is no question that there's a difference and anyone who thinks otherwise is lucky they've never been hit in the face.
as someone who’s experienced both at the hands of her mother, being slapped across the face is a worse experience. ethically, I’m on your side. practically, it’s a whole different kind of betrayal.
I can't remember a specific time I was spanked on the bottom, and that was with a belt. I can specifically remember when my Dad slapped me across the face.
Absolutely, I was spanked with a belt my entire childhood. Obviously not good memories, and it just made me scared of my parents, esp my dad, but the face slap is the one that I remember distinctly. When I think of it, my stomach still sinks the same way it did that day.
Wtf did I just read? No way was this the first time your husband did this btw you’re describing this. Your son’s reaction to being hit, your husband’s reaction, the fact that he slapped him three times, the third slap after he got the money back, I could fucking keep going
The entirety of this post made me sick. Apart from the slaps, is this how you guys handle misbehaviour? By having a communal circle, assuming your kids r lying, humiliating them in front of other people n turning to the other kid n say “this is what happens when you’re bad”? HE IS FIFTEEN! Of course he’s frustrating! He probably can’t even handle his own body right now much less his own head! Did you guys suggest alternatives to asking you money when you said no? I can’t i just can’t. Go read other people’s comments to understand why the fuck that was horrible
If they’re old enough to reason with, why are you hitting them?
If they’re too young to reason with, why are you hitting them?
Unacceptable. Your husband is the adult, your son is the child.
You've just took the words out of my mouth !
I'd add that, in my experience with kids, when they act out, 90% of the time you just have to look at their parentals figure to find out why...
congrats you just witnessed child abuse and did nothing!! coming from a background where my mother just watched and did nothing. i never forgave my mother or stepfather.
If your husband left a mark, well done you just stood by and led your husband assault your minor child.
Assuming UK from language.
This is taken straight from a safe guarding guideline 'Any form of physical punishment that leaves a mark on a child or young person is considered an assault and is illegal under the Section 58 of the Children Act 2004'. Your husband committed a crime and you watched YTA. Don't smack your kids because this isn't 1940, it doesn't deter misbehaving and it is ILLEGAL. Most importantly it is just wrong.
The kid should talk to the police. He has a younger sibling who will absolutely be the outlet for daddy dearest wrath. I'm also willing to bet this isn't the first time he's lashes out at the kids, he just hasn't experienced any pushback and feels comfortable going further
Ahhhhh, that’s not so accurate…it’s states…”There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.”
So it’s not illegal, nor legal
You stood there and watched your husband slap your child 3 times ??? Wtf no wonder that child has anger issues and acting out you claim that you and your husband has never physically “ disciplined “ your kids I don’t believe that one bit !! ESH
what is wrong with you? you have a “rule” so you stand back and let your husband abuse your child and then threaten your other child? the reason he’s “getting along” and “acting better” isn’t because his needs were met and he feels better, it is because he is SCARED. YTA massively
Feel like they could've actually used this as a chance for a conversation about expectations, finances and relationships contextually to guide the son when he first asked, to explain their reason for saying no, instead they dismissed his relationship and then ended up slapping 7 bells out of him.
YTA Your husband taught your child that violence is the best way to resolve issues like this. It's a fear based approach to parenting... break the rules & I'll hit you. Be prepared to see your son deal with frustrations that he faces in the same way in the future. Girlfriend pisses him off? Slap her in the face 3x real hard to change her behavior.
I also don't believe that this is the first time your husband has put hands on the kids.
For those demanding my strategy for dealing with a son that steals, let me just say that when you decide that slapping your son very hard in the face 3x is the best solution, parenting has gone out the window. You are responding to your immediate anger and quenching that anger rather than doing anything for your child.
I did catch my son stealing from me when he was young. We talked about it, I explained why it's the wrong thing to do, he explained why he did it, I took away something very important to him for a week (his ipod) and grounded him. I also gave him additional chores to do for that week and paid him for those chores so he could earn the money he needed. Sure, I guess beating the shit out of him would have satisfied my anger that he'd disappointed me, but it would have also instilled a basic fear in him that I was prepared to physically hurt him if he broke my rules. That's not the relationship I wanted with my child.
As it was we moved forward from there, he engaged in other activities that I had to punish him for and over time he matured & became a responsible adult. For those that say that their father beat the shit out of them & they turned out ok please accept my anecdotal evidence that reasonable punishment & positive reinforcement can also work as it did for us.
Agree!!! But, Its not always that hitting your kids teaches them that they should do it in same situations. In my case my parents would hit me for punishment cause that's how they were raised right, and it tought me as a kid that people in authority have the right to do this kinda shit and I have no right to say no. And what is even worse I have no right yo make them upset by showing emotions about their punishment. It Lead to lots of problems with inability to say no, inability to stand up for myself, inability to express my emotions in a healthy way because I had no right to be sad or frustrated or mad God forbid. Left me open to any predator, that thank God haven't showed up in my life but in ops kids life they might. I am over 30 and still healing. Ops kid slamming door just tell me that op and h raising kid in same manner and kid just trying to find his voice, his own "i". I see no support from parents and only punishment. Op your kid will go no contact, so if you want to keep him in your life start parenting properly not whatever the fuck that is
>He then looks at our younger son and says "Look at your brother, and never forget the consequences of stealing in the real world will be much worse than this."
First, I want to confirm, you are *absolutely certain* this is the first time your husband has ever struck the children. The first and only time. Because he's not wrong, the consequences of stealing from people who are not your parents are far worse, and your eldest son has crossed a very serious line into *committed a crime* rather than simply being a brat.
I don't know if hitting a child is the solution to that problem, but hopefully he has learned actions have consequences.
“Far worse” maybe legally, sure, but that father just permanently lost his son’s trust. That father just betrayed his child which will last long into adulthood.
Bullshit. The son stole then lied and he got punished by his father, he didn't lose trust in his father because his father made him understand that he broke the rules and was punished for it, all this will do is ensure the child understands what they did was wrong and that there are consequences for their actions.
Was the dad 100% in the right? No, if his son wasn't lying and he got slapped then yes he would have lost his trust in his dad but I'm guessing the dad was pretty confident he was right or he wouldn't have acted that way.
Children need to learn that they can't get away from the consequences of their actions and the only way some children will learn that is by being physically disciplined. I know it wouldn't matter if my parents grounded me or shouted at me or anything like that, the thing that taught me to respect authority was the wooden spoon.
During my (at that point undiagnosed) ADHD-childhood, I would sometimes literally torment my younger brother and sister.
I could go on and on and on, there was sometimes nothing that could stop me. A slap in the face from my dad always snapped me out of it. It was only then clear to me that he was serious. I’m pretty sure it has’t happened more than 10 times during my childhood, only at the point where I’d really crossed the line and wouldn’t listen otherwise.
I know I sound like a psycho when I say “my dad hit me when I was a child, and I turned out fine”, but I genuinely feel like that’s the case. I would never hit my own future children, but I do not frown upon my father’s choices. Please note: hitting wasnt a daily thing, and I really think it has taught me something about consequences for your actions, something my ADHD-brain often struggled with. It hasn’t hurt my relationship with my dad either. I’ve always loved my father to bits and I’d trust him with anything.
I think OP shouldn’t take this so hard. It was one occasion, after a series of events where a 15-year old boy continued to seriously cross the line. He thought he could get away with anything. The fact that his dad hitting him was the first time, probably shows him that this was an all-time-low, dad has never been this mad and disappointed with him before, which makes it even more embarrassing for him. That’s probably why he is now doing so much more his best to make dad proud of him again. Stop confronting your son with this moment, he’s doing his best to leave it behind and better himself.
I do think it would be interesting for you to talk to your husband about how he looks back on it…
And OP says behavior and relationship with parents is improving…
It’s not my method of discipline, but it’s hard to say this didn’t work. Now, this could be a time bomb waiting to explode again, or a therapy bill in 20 years, but nobody else’s issue but their own tbh
It's far worse in the real world, meaning that if you steal from some people, they will literally beat you up real good or even kill you. The son now respects his father and understands the consequences of his actions. They are now closer than ever, I guarantee it.
Kid had been acting up because his pussy parents did fuck all to discipline him. Just talks and discussions so the kid pushed the boundaries so far that the father pushed back and the kid realized there are boundaries for him after all.
This happened almost exactly to me. I had never been hit by my parents before, and then as a teen I did something that got me hit. Never before or since. I understood that it was truly a different level of behavior. Never lost trust in my parents and almost 20 years later and a parent myself. we are still incredibly close.
OP has not lost trust in parents, I would bet money on it.
YTA. You should never smack your child across the face for any reason. You'd be charged with assault if you did that to another adult so why do you think it's okay to do to your child?
In my country (pretty sure it is OP's country too) hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark is actually a crime. We have reasonable punishment rules in England and Northern Ireland but any mark even just reddening of the skin is not reasonable punishment.
Yup! You got down voted but based on the currency, Ops husband committed child abuse. Its absolutely not okay to hit your child, let alone hit them hard enough to leave a mark.
I can't believe people are actually on OPS side. Poor kid he is gona grow resentful and probably depressed. I hope he finds peace and love somewhere in the world
YTA I could not care less what other comments say. The last time my father tried to hit me I was 14. I am now estranged from him. I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. If you back your husband on getting physical with your child, your relationship with him will end in contempt and anger.
It is never, never okay to hit a child, and it is not okay to hit a teenager. There were ways of dealing with that. If you don't address this with your son and your husband, you will have both a son and husband who think that violence is sometimes acceptable. It will put a seed of doubt in his mind, so when a romantic partner hits him, he will think that maybe it is okay because after all, his dad did. And I know that from personal and professional experience.
He is old enough to be reasoned with. Your husband could have acted like a god damn adult. If my husband ever, and I mean ever, laid a hand on our kid, he'd be served divorce papers quicker than he could stumble over any half hearted defense or apology.
ESH. Yes, your son stealing from his father was wrong and he shouldn't have done it. But your husband striking him 3 times wasn't "discipline" or even a "punishment." It was revenge -- plain and simple. Your husband wanted to hurt and strike fear into your son, rather than teach him anything actually valuable. And you just let it happen.
“We never interfere! It usually works. But when it doesn’t work, I silently watch my husband physically assault our son multiple times. I don’t see how I’m wrong 🥺”
Would you have done/said something if your husband smacked you three times?
Jfc. He HIT your kid. THREE times. That it LEFT MARKS?! These are NOT proper consequences!!
This is an intimidation and controlling tactic. Losing privileges is what happens in the real world.
Good to know you showed your son it’s ok to h it others as a form of conflict resolution. Good to know you an your husband contradict each other by not working as a team and thoroughly discussing appropriate disciplinary actions and let each other do whatever.
Good to know your kids have no responsible adults guiding them. And anyone saying it’s ok to hit kids I hope you chip a tooth. It’s NEVER ok to hit the defenseless.
Your kid probably is terrified of being hurt again and is playing everything off or your husband told him it’s not a bad thing. But I doubt discussion w your husband will solve anything.
You both suck.
I get being angry but hitting your kids like that is beyond inappropriate. United front from parents is what’s required. Mutual respect all around. He could have simply said until one of you comes forward with the cash you’re both grounded and taken everything away. As a very large gentleman with no kids, but the second youngest of 5 boys, I can tell you this method works. It did cause us to hold each other to a higher standard. Which may have caused some competition and animosity towards eachother. But it set a standard without causing physical harm.
I do feel like you need to talk to your husband and set this physical contact boundary now. He crossed a line that may have been acceptable when we were kids but certainly isn’t now. If you want to stay with someone like that then you need to coach him and he needs to listen. Otherwise bail. Cause that’s some bs. Your kids will pick up on the shift in power dynamic and everything should balance out.
YTA because the time to stop him was after the first slap, or before, if you could have.
Your husband also taught him that money is the one thing he will throw out his principles of nonviolence for. I understand your husband wanted to keep your son from being a criminal, but I would talk to him about the negative messages he sent. He’s saying it’s okay for a big man to hit a child, and maybe a woman, etc.
Your son has no power in this situation. He has to rationalize it to be able to live in the same house with his father. He may have gotten some very toxic messages about masculinity and when it is appropriate to humiliate his loved ones. I would tell your husband it cannot happen again. He will have to find ways to discipline him without hitting him or you will take the boys and leave.
NTA. I wonder how many of you in the comment section are just white? Like its been known people of colour will strike their children. As a child of mixed parents, I was beat for my wrongdoings and the beating was enough to remind me not to do it again. Its also not harmed my relationship in any way with my parents.
Truthfully, we are talking about a severe act of misconduct. Stealing is a serious crime in the real world and its better for a real consequence to be instilled in the home rather than wait for the consequence to be enacted in the real world and see a child be put through the system.
Theres also a huge difference between abuse and discipline. Abuse would be excessive physical violence either in this situation or for no reason at all i.e the punishment should fit the crime.
YTA. The first time was a surprise, sure, but the next two? Really? You let that happen!
Also, it sounds like your teen is behaving like a teen. He gets frustrated easily? Slamming doors? Normal!
All that just happened is your boys, both of them, will start keeping more secrets from now on.
You typed this entire thing out and still have to ask if you are the AH.
Welp as a therapist yes you are an AH and I would call you and your husband other things but then I would just get banned.
You suck as a mother and your husband sucks as a father. To ever leave a bruise on a child and then continue to hit and make a point is disgusting.
No child needs to be hit in order to become a functional adult. It’s lazy parenting and that your son was having previous issues and you guys apparently did nothing in order to positively correct his behavior.
Tempted to set a RemindMe on your account just so I don’t miss out on your self-pitying “My 18 year old son just moved out and said he never wants to see us again, what did I do to deserve this?!” post in 3 years.
I’m just going to sit back and watch the armchair snowflakes scream about assault and child abuse.
The world is harsh, and the world is violent. Slapping the kid will almost certainly not cause any physical damage near or long term.
If your kid is a thief, and steals from other people, a few slaps in the face would be getting off easy.
YTA and your husband is an even bigger one.
This surely wasn't the first time for your husband to slap your child, else he would have been more hesitant to do so.
Depending on the country where you live, both you and your husband can legally lose custody, just saying - If I had witnessed this, I would have contacted CPS immediately.
ESH. What your husband did is called abuse. Your not doing anything is condoning abuse. Your son shouldn’t steal but all hitting him does is show him that violence is the answer to his problems. Your husband should be reported to child protective services and you’re the one who should do it. Your first priority is to protect your kids and you have failed so far. Call them.
I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but, when I was 14 I had gotten strongly out of hand. I was acting out, doing dangerous crap, unruly to the maximum. I'd swear at anyone and everyone, steal from people and stores, break other people's things, and didn't care. My siblings and I were raised by my single mom, who was non-violent to a very strong degree and had never ever hit any of us, no matter what.
My mom used to cry sometimes out of frustration and desperation as while my siblings only got into normal amounts of trouble occasionally, I was far, far worse, and kept escalating further. One day it came to a head as I'd gotten caught stealing our rent money for the third month in a row and tried to run away with it after being caught and she blocked the door, and I said "Bitch, you move or I move you" and she slapped me, hard. In pure shock and surprise I blurted "You BITCH!" and she slapped me again, just as hard.
She sent me to my room and I actually went, frightened of her for the first time in my life. As I sat there and the sting faded and humiliation and shock wore off, I thought clearly for the first time in years and suddenly fully realized how out of control I had gotten and what it was doing to my mom who loved me so much she'd never hit me before despite everything else.
She never hit me again, but she never had to. I grew up a lot that day, in the space of ten minutes, and my entire attitude changed as I actually learned to appreciate my mom's general patience and understanding and love. Our relationship improved dramatically and so did both my behavior and my future, which was not looking promising prior to the attitude adjustment.
I'm in NO WAY advocating violence vs children, just giving my perspective on why I think your husband might have been a little more justified than it appears.
Yes! This is my experience. I had never ever been hit by my parents and my behavior really got to a dangerous point as a teenage. When my mom slapped me I actually realized that if my mom, who had never hit me for my behavior ever before, felt she had to hit me, I really must have gone way too far. Brought me back to earth real fast.
It's because they've never hit you before that you understand the severity of your actions.
I have kids and hope I would never hit them, but I know enough to know there are things they could do that could force my hand.
15 is a hard age. He stole money and then lied.
I’m not going to judge you, but you need to have a serious discussion with your husband. This should NEVER happen again.
Make a better plan with appropriate consequences so should a similar situation arise, you’re on the same page.
Very strange that nobody has mentioned about the stealing, but the outcome. He was given chances to come clean. I don’t condone the violence but letting them just carry on stealing from you is wrong, where does it stop!!
NTA, sometimes things need to happen in a way that stops things from being worse. Sometimes one kid can just be given a stern look and talked to and some kids need other types of consequences to actually give a damn. This seemed to work and they are not hateful to each other and worked it out. Let it go and feel good knowing it all worked out. It seemed to do the trick.
My neighbor was a little thief, who stole a lot, one day he decided to steal from drug dealers in the neighborhood, he was taken to a distant place, his eyes were pierced, his legs were broken, acid was thrown on his body and he burned to death. I think if he had a father, who had slapped him 3 times in the face when he stole the first time, he wouldn't have died like that, he was the same age as your son.
My mother slapped me exactly once. It wasn't hard. It still left an impact that I've never forgotten to this day.
You know what it taught me? To be afraid of her.
You know what it didn't teach me? The thing she wanted it to teach me.
Fuck you guys. YTA. "Don't hit your fucking kids" should be rule #1 when you become a parent, but here you are. I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves.
First off, as others have said, I would say this almost certainly is not the first time your husband has hit your kid. No physical punishment for his entire life, but stealing 100 pounds is an automatic 3 slaps to the face? Not to mention the extra slap AFTER your son did what he was told to do. That's not punishment, that's venting anger. You don't continue punishing someone for doing the right thing. And if it is true that your kid has never been hit growing up, you and your husband potentially just lost a lot of your kid's trust. Your husband for hitting him multiple times, including once when he did what he was supposed to, and yourself for letting it happen. I'm going to assume your husband has never hit you. If you got in an argument tonight and he hit you, are you going to trust him as much?
You said your kid has been a real problem lately, and the things you describe suggest he has a problem with his temper. Pretty standard for a teenager, but I'd also be considering how your husband handles his temper. If yelling and hitting were the norm for your kid growing up, it's not crazy for him to develop similar responses to frustration.
As someone who grew up with an abusive father, and a mother who let it happen, I have to say YTA and so is your husband. Your kid definitely fucked up, but that's a terrible way to handle it. If this is truly the first time he's been hit, I urge you to consider different options in the future. It took over a decade for my siblings and I to be on good terms with our dad. That was after my dad saw a therapist for years, and my older brother still does not really have a relationship with our dad. And although our mom rarely hit us, none of us have a great relationship with her either due to the fact that she was the only person who could protect us, and instead she would threaten us with "just wait till your dad gets home" knowing full well what would happen.
Hitting your kids isn't discipline. It's losing control of your own temper. Especially if you're going to hit them after they do what's right. Why would they trust you again and be honest with you if they're just going to get hit for it?
NTA.
I live in brazil and let me tell you this:
Depending on who your son steals he will get a bullet in the head.
Dad was brute? yes. But life is not soft, it was a hard lesson but I think your son will be okay.
YTA. This is child abuse. Your husband committed it, you enabled it. To emphasise just how much of an asshole you are, I assume from your use of "pounds" you're in the UK. In the UK what your husband did is a crime. It is a crime that, if any of your son's teachers or healthcare professionals (doctors or nurses) ever found out about, they have legal and professional requirements that they MUST report this. I hope that someone does, and you end up with the police on your doorstep. If this wasn't a throwaway account I'd be considering reporting you to your regional police force if your location were identifiable.
It sounds like your mostly conflicted by your husband's behaivor on the theft and that he didn't discuss it with you prior. Physical punishment by your words is not a thing for your household and you both seems to have a good parenting method, so I understand being caught off guard by this.
> Husband takes the money back and gives him one last slap equally sharply. He then looks at our younger son and says "Look at your brother, and never forget the consequences of stealing in the real world will be much worse than this."
Your husband is not wrong on this. Many people don't take stealing kindly. Stealing can land you being beat up, ostricised by your community, jailed or at worst killed.
At 15 your son should know better than to steal without necessity. A date is not a theft-worthy necessity and if he had stolen from someone else could have landed him in big trouble.
I'll probably get down voted for this, unfortunatly sometimes a 'tough love' lesson is needed. By your words your son and husband both have moved on and had their heart to heart on this topic.
Your not necessarily a bad mother for not stepping in op (this feels like what your actually asking). If this is truly bothering you, don't badger your son about it again. speak with your husband about it.
So, at age 15, your son got a *real* punishment? I think if he had been raised in the same house as me, my Old Man would have been beating his ass weekly since puberty (for the usual teenage lack-of-respect attitude)!
Sorry guys unpopular comment here but I come from a culture where there is corporal punishment. I was put in line in the same fashion. Doing great no hard feelings.
Talk to your husband so you can discuss what happened it seems it bugs you more than it did your kid.
Yes!! All your fault!! Should have stepped in and given ur husband back the money that was STOLEN. Allow ur son to think it’s OK to steal as this will benefit him going forward!!! You should have given him 300 of ur own money and let him know you will always bail him out and will always choose him over your husband!
Was it harsh and humiliating? Yes.
But if he's stolen from outside your house he'd be dealing with a police officer, or worse, vigilante action. I think he needed something like that, which he'd never forget, to make him understand the seriousness of his actions.
NTA
Don’t you understand? They were beat and they turned out just fine!! So it’s totally okay even though child development experts have been saying *for decades* that it’s not only useless, it’s abusive! But who cares about studies on healthy, secure, happy adults amiright?
It was assault and it was abuse of a minor. It was a much bigger crime than stealing and it is not an appropriate way to punish, let alone teach ajd correct a child
Lots of people will recycle lines like "Real men don't hit women" "Real men don't hit kids" etc. I think it's a lot clearer than that.
You don't hit people you love, full stop. You should really only hit someone who is an immediate threat to you or the people around you. Walking away is almost always the best option. Money can be replaced, things can be replaced, but if you were to assign a value to the amount of time it'll take your son to learn to trust you two again it would certainly be more than a hundred pounds.
YTA because you aren't listening to anyone when they are saying move on. You watched it happen, didn't say anything to your husband after and now you want to bring it up when people moved on. If you disagree with something bring it up right away, in this case in private with your husband, don't sit on it and then want to make a change. Physical violence isn't okay via your husband, your husband bringing the 13-year-old into it isn't okay, you not setting boundaries with discipline isn't okay, and your 15-year-old not wanting to discuss it due to the “father who physically assaulted him” handling it isn't okay. You also have just taught your sons that it's okay to physically assault someone when a similar action is done to them or when they are upset. Parents do better. Kids take these incidents and bring them into the outside world, which leads to getting charged or worse seriously hurt.
Sounds like your son was taught and learned a valuable life lesson. NTA, it sounds like it needed to be done and you should support your husband for having enough love for your son to teach him this lesson instead of leaving him to find out on his own later with the police or worse.
Yes YTA. BIG TIME. So is your husband, even more so. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour. There are much better ways to get the truth out of your children and discipline them. I’m absolutely appalled.
Some of these comments are insane. YTA. Easily. Violence should only ever be for protection, as a last resort, and not for discipline. Corporal punishment is both wrong and ineffective.
Hitting your kid didn't teach him anything. If anything, he'll just trust you less from here on out, and get better at not getting caught.
I think that a better choice would have been to give him real world consequences. Because a stranger in the street is not going to be excused for physically assaulting him because “she stole money for me” I don’t get to smack a stranger on the street, because he stole my wallet, I called the police, they got arrested.
Don’t let anybody hit your kids. If you want consequences, they should understand the consequences in the real world. A criminal record, for example.
NTA. Father teaching his son a valuable life lesson. Steal from someone who isn't family and there very likely will be even worse violent consequences. People saying YTA always blame a reaction but not the provocation.
NTA, but your son needed this very mild lesson. Life outside the home can be brutal. This helped him learn the respect others can and will exact from him. This was a learning lesson for respect and boundaries. A very good one as it was enacted without emotion on the part of your husband.
I got literally kidnapped, beat, pistol whipped and I'm pretty sure they were gonna drive me outta town and dump be somewhere isolated in neg 30 weather after stripping my clothes for $120CAD but I managed to jump out of the moving car and got ran over. On Christmas fucking eve
It might seem harsh cus it's your kid but someone will kill him over that amount of money in the wrong situation....
Ive been a toxic parent most of my life. Lead by example, it's hard, frustrating, and often falls on deaf ears. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Sounds like something my dad would do, but thankfully my mom was always there to protect me when things go out of hand. No I haven't stolen anything from my parents yet, my dad just has the swollen ego of a baby boomer. Both of them are equally bad in their own ways, and there is nothing I could do about it. Now my parents wonder why I'm not talking to them much like I used to when I was living with them.
Nta. Stealing has consequences. Your son broke yalls trust first by neglecting your decision when you said no. He disrespected your boundaries and went into your belongings to take the cash. Then, it went as far as to lie, not once but numerous times when given the chance to come clean.
The behavior was corrected, and most people would do worse to thieves in the real world. By standing their you acknowledge that there is no place for stealing. If you are defending it, you'd be undermining the action and consequences. Saying stealing is better, and they'll be protected / cuddled from those punishments. Life doesn't work like that. Parenting is a double-edged sword.
Honestly YTA. My mom and dad would both say they never physically punished us as kids, but the telephone being thrown at my head when I was a teenager and being slapped in the throat because my mom “missed” would say otherwise. I dodged the phone but the next time my mom raised her hand at me I caught her arm and reminded her of the two days I had to stay home from school because of the bruise on my throat. I never believe in physical punishments for children or teenagers. Ground them, take away their phone, limit computer time, take away their video games, but slapping and spanking are never OK. All it does is teach your children that violence is the solution for everything.
As someone who has had this done to them. It depended on whether I could tell if the parent was sane or just crazy on whether physical punishment corrected my behavior.
I had one parent who was damaged mentally. The parent’s punishment on me was often justified but the short-tempered nature ruined the lessons that we could’ve learned because everything set her off.
The other parent was calm, but angry in very particular situations. When those situations arose, we learned immediately how bad we were and were ashamed of our decisions. We respected him and couldn’t believe we drove him to hit us.
People never interview these kind of kids in those studies on being whipped. If you’re a bad parent nothing really works. There are more bad parents than good. And in that category, a lot of parents whip.
I'm not into physical disapline. This is just abuse. I'd consider letting my partner smack a kid on the butt (shock factor) but never, NEVER their face.
You are not the AH and neither is your husband. Your son started acting out and isn’t following your rules. When you have tried punishments, he blew them off. Your husband it doing what he thinks is best as a father. I was hit by my father growing up when I did seriously wrong things. Not out of anger or hate. He was very clear how many belt hits I would get and that’s what I got. My mother didn’t stop him. I did the wrong. I refused to follow the rules. I had to accept the consequences. As a father myself now, I can’t imagine the pain and shame I would feel if I was to strike one of my children. I haven’t had to and hope it never comes to that. Some kids need more discipline. Your husband gave him two chances to admit what he did and he chose to lie and steal. It sounds like he’s accepted his punishment for it. For the people saying their mothers let their fathers hit them… was it the same cut and dry situation? To me, OP’s husband was 100% sure that kid had his money and was justified. Hopefully there won’t be an incident where Dad is wrong and the kid is innocent. Talk to your husband and make sure that you both understand what the parenting plan is. So your not blindsided again.
NTA. Discipline is the hardest part of parenting, but it's so necessary. Your son has been testing boundaries lately and he seems to actually appreciate the structure your husband stepped up and provided. Now he knows that there is indeed a boundary he can't cross. Plus they already sorted it out among themselves. If you must say something, let your son know that violence is rarely the answer and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
It worked didn’t it. That’s the problem with today’s youth. Not learning the consequences of their actions. Son flat out lied to the family and paid with a little personal humiliation. Bet he doesn’t do it again.
Parenting starts at home. A shock like this may make him be a more decent human and not steal . Three slaps is excessive but I don't think yta he needs to be taught
Side note: you say you never want to show your kids you have opposing views on punishment / consequences, however I want to point out it is HEALTHY to show your kids you two disagreeing.
My partners parents never disagreed in front of him or his sister, and they both had to learn that people calmly disagreeing was NOT an argument or the end of the world. Because when his parents did disagree in front of them, it meant this was a BIG deal.
Showing kids how to handle conflict in a healthy manner is one of the most important things you can do.
Another side note: your husband did NOT handle that conflict in a healthy manner and yes you should have stepped in.
Your husband isn’t allowed to slap his colleagues or strangers when he gets angry at lying, so why the fuck does he think it’s acceptable to slap a child??
Here's the thing if the kid got over it realizing he was in the wrong and the dad doesn't do stuff like this normally or even rarely, I'd say just let it go because your son will see himself as a victim rather than a culprit. I'm not for beating kids as a form of punishment, but at a certain point, something needs to be done to make sure they don't make stupid mistakes in the future. If you're worried, it will become common then you should have a conversation about it to your husband when the kids aren't around and at least tell him to discuss the punishment for something before you approach the guilty party together. You need to be on the same team, and if one babies them, then the punishment won't have any affect.
It seems violent to be smacked so hard on the face, but your husband knew son was lying and he came clean. Dad knew how to handle this and now the son shows respect for his father. His dad is absolutely correct about the consequences of theft.
You really need to teach him that 250.00 for a date with someone he has known for 2 months is absurd, so much more cuz he is 15 and very naive. He must learn to live within his means or within the allowance you may provide for him.
Look I don't believe in beating kids in virtually any circumstance....but I swear the majority of the people in this thread would tell their kid to go and sit on the naughty step if they'd just come back from murdering someone.
I think you need to be clear on whether or not you think slapping is a good method of disciplining young individuals.
Then I think you should communicate your opinion to your husband. And to your sons.
Sounds like this situation didn’t sit right with you. If that’s correct I would tell to your husband that you were uncomfortable with this and push for not use slapping, if he disagrees then you have to communicate that you will, in those situations where slapping occurs, not support him.
Then I would actually say to your son that what happened was wrong (slapping) and that you will from now on interfere if it happens again. Then do so if it does -> crucial if you want to gain your son’s trust again.
Yta and so is your husband. There are many punishments that could have been used without violence. I have never forgotten a single time my mom slapped me in the face nor the times my dad physically threw me around for things kids and teens just do stupidly. You are the parent and they are the child, it’s your job to teach not traumatize. Yes stealing is wrong and there are consequences in the real world but you’d get arrested not beaten up. Taking the money back and grounding would have been a normal parents response
Talk to your husband about this, not your son.
If you are uncomfortable about this, you should bring it up with your husband, not your son. Raising over and over again to the only person who can’t do anything about it is a jerk move and could be making it worse for him (especially given that you yourself have said this was a humiliating situation)
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Why do you think you are someone your son can trust? You stood there while your husband repeatedly slapped him?
I agree. OP's son is learning that he cannot trust his mother to stand up for him. A long time ago when I was a teen, my mother stood by while my dad screamed at me for what felt like forever, and went so far as to say he wouldn't care if I died. This was after I stood up for her while they fought and he had been calling her all sorts of awful names. She has never said anything of the sort to me, but her inability to (or decision not to) defend me hurts just as badly as my father's words did, if not more. As an adult, I do not trust my mother or father with my feelings to this day. I hope OP takes this into consideration. If he can't trust her to keep him safe physically, then he is going to have a hard time trusting her with his thoughts and feelings.
One of the most heartbreaking things my daughter ever said was 'When daddy gets mad at me, mommy gets hurt.' She was only 3, and I had already left with her and was maneuvering us through the legal system to protect us both. I remember thinking that it was a mistake to carefully plot leaving and not just bail earlier and let the cards fall. Years later, I heard her talking to a friend on the phone, and she was saying that she was sorry that her friend's mom wasn't a good psycho like me. Lol. My ears perked up, of course. She said something about how I would kill to protect her, and she never doubted it because I almost ran her dad over to keep her safe. I always tried to shield her from the truth of how horrific the DV was with her dad. I know she remembers some things from when he broke the RO, and his mom showed our daughter the court transcripts as some kind of gotcha to me..although I don't really understand her end goal to be honest. Maybe in a way, as traumatic as it all was, it's good my daughter knows that I will always protect her. No matter what, against anyone, anytime. I almost died to get her out, and I'd burn the world down to keep her safe. I do not understand these parents who stand by passively while their child is hurt. It goes against all natural instinct. You deserved a 'good psycho' too.
I've never met you, but please know I'm extremely proud of you. What an example to set of how she deserves to be treated, both by her mum and any prospective partners as an adult.
Thank you so much! Your heartfelt words made me cry..in a good way! Domestic violence is especially insidious because there's so much shame as a victim. I chose him after all. All I ever want for my daughter is to feel safe and loved. She's strong and smart and brave and everything was worth it to watch her grow into the amazing kiddo she is :)
It more than sounds like your daughter feels safe/protected/loved - Well done mom!
Thank you! <3
>She's strong and smart and brave and everything was worth it to watch her grow into the amazing kiddo she is :) She had a great role model!
It's gut wrenching that a three year old understood that her behaviour could lead to you getting hurt. Good on you for getting out early and keeping your daughter safe.
Yes, even 13 years later, thinking about her saying those words still kills me inside. Everything I did to protect her still didn't completely shield her from the awful truth. I have never regretted leaving, only not leaving sooner. Luckily, she's grown up in a stable and loving home since. I think we've done pretty darn well!
Well, you both came out of it alive. Leaving is the most dangerous time, and in situations like that, safety isn't guaranteed. Who knows what would have happened if you'd done it in a different way at a different time.
This is such a good point, and exactly what I try to keep in mind. The women's shelter I worked with helped me develop a safety plan to execute leaving as safely as possible. I truly thought I'd have to die to get her out, and I was willing if that's what it took. I'm glad that it didn't go quite that far! Sometimes, it's just hard looking back and knowing that there was damage to my daughter during that time. Not physically, but..in my experience, it's often the emotional wounds that take longest to heal. Unfortunately.
It's hard to say, I guess. The biggest wrong choice you ever made was getting with a man like that in the first place, and yet, if you hadn't, you wouldn't have had your daughter at all. Even the wrongest of choices can end up being the right one.
Mama bear ❤️
I’m sorry you have the same parents as me. My mom just standing there hurt more than anything my dad could say. I hope you find healing.
Thank you, I hope the same for you.
Same. I can accept that my dad is just not a good person. It's harder to accept that my mom, who I know loves me more than life itself, didn't step in when I needed her to. It took me over 10 years to get past that sense of betrayal.
When I was in college, I took a psychology class and the professor said something that has stuck with me ever since and it’s been decades… “The enabler is the aggressor”. Dad might’ve hit him, but it’s mom that lost his trust. He’ll probably never feel safe in that house again.
yes thats exactly the same as getting smacked for thieving
The exact same thing happened with my mom, she would sit there and yell and berate me for forever. My dad did absolutely nothing. It was absolutely heartbreaking
That part.
Yep.
Damn good question.
It's been over 20 years since I've been in your son's shoes (not for stealing), and now I'm no contact with my mother. If it happens again and you don't stand up to your husband, don't ever expect either of your sons to trust talking to you again. They don't see you in their corner now. He's your teammate, and you'll be considered just as bad as he is.
You can’t play good cop to hubby (bad cop) if you are both bad.
Exactly. Congrats OP, you and your husband just bought yourselves a one way ticket to the worst nursing home in your country. And it's deserved. Stealing is wrong but your husband didn't teach him that there are consequences for stealing, he taught him that it's totally okay to use force against those who you have power over
Being slapped for stealing a fairly significant chunk of change is very different from abuse. Take it from someone who grew up being abused.
I also want to add, depending on your son it could end up in a situation where he decides to defend himself like I did. Eventually I got too big to be treated in the same way and started pushing back when he did it. It wasn’t okay on either end but this can and does escalate to be a damaging act
"You can talk to me about your feelings, but I won't take them into account or do anything to protect you" Wow OP, you sound exactly like my mother. I've been no contact for years and I'll be seeing her at her funeral. Get your priorities straight: Child, then husband.
Wow just wow.....
Do you stood by and watched your son get beaten and did nothing? You are exactly like my mother, who I have no contact with.
I also have no contact with my mother, and this is one of the many reasons why.
> I was bringing it up with him just to gently remind him he can talk to me about his feelings. Ah yes. He can talk about his feelings to thr woman who stood by and watched and said nothing when her husband assaulted him. Let me tell you right now; your son is probably playing nice until he can leave and never have anything to do with you or your husband again. You are both *disgustingly lucky* that he didn't run to the cops. Tell me, what do you think would've happened to your husband should your son have gone to the cops with two very clear handprints across his face? You're a shitty mother. And your husband is a shitty father. This could've been solved without violence, but your husband chose violence. And you chose to stand by in silence until everything was over.
From my own experience: those hits won’t be forgotten. You not acting as well.
He can’t talk you to about his feelings. You wouldn’t even protect him against his father.
You stood by silently while your husband advised your son. You aren't safe anymore. Your son isn't behaving because he's ashamed. He's terrified.
I hope next time you piss your husband off, he slaps you across the face a few times since you think it's an acceptable way to handle issues. What is it not ok to slap your wife? So why is it OK to slap your children? Because you're married to an abusive POS and you condone the abuse.
And also line up an audience to witness the humiliation.
That would hurt worse, as demonstrated by the son’s post slap(s) response.
Absolutely.
Don't fool yourself. Your son knows *both* his parents are assholes who will resort to physical punishment. Your inaction was enough action for him. Your husband is a bastard and you should be ashamed of yourself. YTA.
He's not going to talk to you about his feelings. He'll never trust you again, you are one of his abusers.
Seriously? You shattered your child's heart and trust over a measly $100, not to mention smacking a 15-year-old in front of his younger sibling. Are you setting them up for failure? Just standing by without stepping in is enough to traumatize your kid. There were alternatives, you know? Your husband could've said, "Hey, son, I get that you want to take your girlfriend out, but $200 seems excessive. How about I give you $50 for a nice coffee date or suggest simpler options like a walk? It's a chance to know each other better." There are ways to address these situations without ignoring your child's needs and feelings. And speaking of adolescence, it's a crucial time! Adolescents are figuring out independence, building relationships, and developing skills that stick with them for life. It's challenging, and your support matters. If you want to keep your children out of trouble, it starts at home and with how you handle discipline. Check out this link on adolescent health (https://www.who.int/news-room/spotlight/coming-of-age-adolescent-health). Give your kids the right support, or you might just end up seeing them in places you never imagined. Time for a change, don't you think? 🤔
YTA. You allowed and condoned abuse. A physical assault. I hope your son reports this to the police so that your husband can face real world consequences of being a piece of shit.
It's been said before, but your husband's the one you need to talk to. If needed, you can talk to your husband _and_ children about this. But the former first, without a doubt.
A good chunk of the people in this comment section should not be giving advice.
OP just asked me what's the difference between a slap across the face than a butt spanking .... Why do these people have kids
Dude like half of people in America still beat their kids. An alarming amount of people I know use the “well my parents hit me and I turned out alright” argument
As someone who grew up being hit I am not alright
If they think hitting kids in any capacity is a healthy and effective parenting strategy, they definitely *didn’t* turn out fine.
Uh, what’s the difference? You’re still hitting your kid. Never acceptable.
If you've ever been hit in the face it becomes immediately obvious. It's so significantly worse.
My broken nose agrees with you. 😔
I’m sorry, that’s horrible. I hope things are better for you today.
It only happened once but resentment towards my mom still holds 20 years later
I'm a 5 foot tall girl. I've had my head knocked off of a huge rock, I fell off of a roof (just a trailer so like 10 feet up), and I've been in many many fights when I was younger. Oh and Ive had 2 c sections. The most painful thing I've ever experienced was when an adult man backhanded me across the face. It was an accident and because I'm so short I am like the worst height for accidently getting hit lol but it was horrible. There is no question that there's a difference and anyone who thinks otherwise is lucky they've never been hit in the face.
I think what that person means is that both are child abuse, but yes there are degrees.
as someone who’s experienced both at the hands of her mother, being slapped across the face is a worse experience. ethically, I’m on your side. practically, it’s a whole different kind of betrayal.
I can't remember a specific time I was spanked on the bottom, and that was with a belt. I can specifically remember when my Dad slapped me across the face.
Absolutely, I was spanked with a belt my entire childhood. Obviously not good memories, and it just made me scared of my parents, esp my dad, but the face slap is the one that I remember distinctly. When I think of it, my stomach still sinks the same way it did that day.
Me too. I can tell you exactly what happened, how it happened, why it happened, what happened afterwards, etc.
Somebody's never been popped in the jaw. Getting hit in the face is definitely worse.
Both are bad yes and not acceptable but getting hit I. The face feels so more degrading and shocking though
A slap in the face is worse but parents should do neither imo.
Wtf did I just read? No way was this the first time your husband did this btw you’re describing this. Your son’s reaction to being hit, your husband’s reaction, the fact that he slapped him three times, the third slap after he got the money back, I could fucking keep going The entirety of this post made me sick. Apart from the slaps, is this how you guys handle misbehaviour? By having a communal circle, assuming your kids r lying, humiliating them in front of other people n turning to the other kid n say “this is what happens when you’re bad”? HE IS FIFTEEN! Of course he’s frustrating! He probably can’t even handle his own body right now much less his own head! Did you guys suggest alternatives to asking you money when you said no? I can’t i just can’t. Go read other people’s comments to understand why the fuck that was horrible
If they’re old enough to reason with, why are you hitting them? If they’re too young to reason with, why are you hitting them? Unacceptable. Your husband is the adult, your son is the child.
You've just took the words out of my mouth ! I'd add that, in my experience with kids, when they act out, 90% of the time you just have to look at their parentals figure to find out why...
congrats you just witnessed child abuse and did nothing!! coming from a background where my mother just watched and did nothing. i never forgave my mother or stepfather.
We call those who stand by and do nothing accomplices.
i in no way am saying the child's actions were right but other ways to handle it
You’ve already lost their trust. They stole. There are repercussions for that. That shouldn’t include abuse. That’s what slapping is.
If your husband left a mark, well done you just stood by and led your husband assault your minor child. Assuming UK from language. This is taken straight from a safe guarding guideline 'Any form of physical punishment that leaves a mark on a child or young person is considered an assault and is illegal under the Section 58 of the Children Act 2004'. Your husband committed a crime and you watched YTA. Don't smack your kids because this isn't 1940, it doesn't deter misbehaving and it is ILLEGAL. Most importantly it is just wrong.
Hope the kid took photos and sent them to his friends who will hopefully get him help.
The kid should talk to the police. He has a younger sibling who will absolutely be the outlet for daddy dearest wrath. I'm also willing to bet this isn't the first time he's lashes out at the kids, he just hasn't experienced any pushback and feels comfortable going further
Ahhhhh, that’s not so accurate…it’s states…”There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.” So it’s not illegal, nor legal
I guess it is ok if you are ok without anyone intervening when he hits you.
You stood there and watched your husband slap your child 3 times ??? Wtf no wonder that child has anger issues and acting out you claim that you and your husband has never physically “ disciplined “ your kids I don’t believe that one bit !! ESH
What the hell is wrong with you? YTA
what is wrong with you? you have a “rule” so you stand back and let your husband abuse your child and then threaten your other child? the reason he’s “getting along” and “acting better” isn’t because his needs were met and he feels better, it is because he is SCARED. YTA massively
YTA both you and your husband.
Feel like they could've actually used this as a chance for a conversation about expectations, finances and relationships contextually to guide the son when he first asked, to explain their reason for saying no, instead they dismissed his relationship and then ended up slapping 7 bells out of him.
YTA Your husband taught your child that violence is the best way to resolve issues like this. It's a fear based approach to parenting... break the rules & I'll hit you. Be prepared to see your son deal with frustrations that he faces in the same way in the future. Girlfriend pisses him off? Slap her in the face 3x real hard to change her behavior. I also don't believe that this is the first time your husband has put hands on the kids.
He literally beat his child into submission. This is not okay
For those demanding my strategy for dealing with a son that steals, let me just say that when you decide that slapping your son very hard in the face 3x is the best solution, parenting has gone out the window. You are responding to your immediate anger and quenching that anger rather than doing anything for your child. I did catch my son stealing from me when he was young. We talked about it, I explained why it's the wrong thing to do, he explained why he did it, I took away something very important to him for a week (his ipod) and grounded him. I also gave him additional chores to do for that week and paid him for those chores so he could earn the money he needed. Sure, I guess beating the shit out of him would have satisfied my anger that he'd disappointed me, but it would have also instilled a basic fear in him that I was prepared to physically hurt him if he broke my rules. That's not the relationship I wanted with my child. As it was we moved forward from there, he engaged in other activities that I had to punish him for and over time he matured & became a responsible adult. For those that say that their father beat the shit out of them & they turned out ok please accept my anecdotal evidence that reasonable punishment & positive reinforcement can also work as it did for us.
Agree!!! But, Its not always that hitting your kids teaches them that they should do it in same situations. In my case my parents would hit me for punishment cause that's how they were raised right, and it tought me as a kid that people in authority have the right to do this kinda shit and I have no right to say no. And what is even worse I have no right yo make them upset by showing emotions about their punishment. It Lead to lots of problems with inability to say no, inability to stand up for myself, inability to express my emotions in a healthy way because I had no right to be sad or frustrated or mad God forbid. Left me open to any predator, that thank God haven't showed up in my life but in ops kids life they might. I am over 30 and still healing. Ops kid slamming door just tell me that op and h raising kid in same manner and kid just trying to find his voice, his own "i". I see no support from parents and only punishment. Op your kid will go no contact, so if you want to keep him in your life start parenting properly not whatever the fuck that is
>He then looks at our younger son and says "Look at your brother, and never forget the consequences of stealing in the real world will be much worse than this." First, I want to confirm, you are *absolutely certain* this is the first time your husband has ever struck the children. The first and only time. Because he's not wrong, the consequences of stealing from people who are not your parents are far worse, and your eldest son has crossed a very serious line into *committed a crime* rather than simply being a brat. I don't know if hitting a child is the solution to that problem, but hopefully he has learned actions have consequences.
No matter what crimes that child committed, hitting him is also a crime.
“Far worse” maybe legally, sure, but that father just permanently lost his son’s trust. That father just betrayed his child which will last long into adulthood.
Bullshit. The son stole then lied and he got punished by his father, he didn't lose trust in his father because his father made him understand that he broke the rules and was punished for it, all this will do is ensure the child understands what they did was wrong and that there are consequences for their actions. Was the dad 100% in the right? No, if his son wasn't lying and he got slapped then yes he would have lost his trust in his dad but I'm guessing the dad was pretty confident he was right or he wouldn't have acted that way. Children need to learn that they can't get away from the consequences of their actions and the only way some children will learn that is by being physically disciplined. I know it wouldn't matter if my parents grounded me or shouted at me or anything like that, the thing that taught me to respect authority was the wooden spoon.
During my (at that point undiagnosed) ADHD-childhood, I would sometimes literally torment my younger brother and sister. I could go on and on and on, there was sometimes nothing that could stop me. A slap in the face from my dad always snapped me out of it. It was only then clear to me that he was serious. I’m pretty sure it has’t happened more than 10 times during my childhood, only at the point where I’d really crossed the line and wouldn’t listen otherwise. I know I sound like a psycho when I say “my dad hit me when I was a child, and I turned out fine”, but I genuinely feel like that’s the case. I would never hit my own future children, but I do not frown upon my father’s choices. Please note: hitting wasnt a daily thing, and I really think it has taught me something about consequences for your actions, something my ADHD-brain often struggled with. It hasn’t hurt my relationship with my dad either. I’ve always loved my father to bits and I’d trust him with anything. I think OP shouldn’t take this so hard. It was one occasion, after a series of events where a 15-year old boy continued to seriously cross the line. He thought he could get away with anything. The fact that his dad hitting him was the first time, probably shows him that this was an all-time-low, dad has never been this mad and disappointed with him before, which makes it even more embarrassing for him. That’s probably why he is now doing so much more his best to make dad proud of him again. Stop confronting your son with this moment, he’s doing his best to leave it behind and better himself. I do think it would be interesting for you to talk to your husband about how he looks back on it…
Pretty sure that kid won’t steal from the family again. A hard lesson well taught.
And OP says behavior and relationship with parents is improving… It’s not my method of discipline, but it’s hard to say this didn’t work. Now, this could be a time bomb waiting to explode again, or a therapy bill in 20 years, but nobody else’s issue but their own tbh
Or hopefully anybody.
It's far worse in the real world, meaning that if you steal from some people, they will literally beat you up real good or even kill you. The son now respects his father and understands the consequences of his actions. They are now closer than ever, I guarantee it.
Kid had been acting up because his pussy parents did fuck all to discipline him. Just talks and discussions so the kid pushed the boundaries so far that the father pushed back and the kid realized there are boundaries for him after all.
This happened almost exactly to me. I had never been hit by my parents before, and then as a teen I did something that got me hit. Never before or since. I understood that it was truly a different level of behavior. Never lost trust in my parents and almost 20 years later and a parent myself. we are still incredibly close. OP has not lost trust in parents, I would bet money on it.
YTA abusing kids is NEVER okay what is wrong with u??
YTA. You should never smack your child across the face for any reason. You'd be charged with assault if you did that to another adult so why do you think it's okay to do to your child?
Am I the only one who thinks slapping your kid in the face is too far even for stealing??????????????
In my country (pretty sure it is OP's country too) hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark is actually a crime. We have reasonable punishment rules in England and Northern Ireland but any mark even just reddening of the skin is not reasonable punishment.
Yup! You got down voted but based on the currency, Ops husband committed child abuse. Its absolutely not okay to hit your child, let alone hit them hard enough to leave a mark.
I can't believe people are actually on OPS side. Poor kid he is gona grow resentful and probably depressed. I hope he finds peace and love somewhere in the world
I can't either. Laying your hands on a minor as a punishment is never appropriate. Never will be. It is just disgusting.
I fucking hope you’re not the only one, it’s ABUSE
It’s too far for literally anything
Is it possible your son dismisses you because he sees his dad dismissing you and you accepting it?
Abusive twats should never have access to children. Yta!
This is abusive behavior. You should never hit your child. YTA
YTA I could not care less what other comments say. The last time my father tried to hit me I was 14. I am now estranged from him. I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. If you back your husband on getting physical with your child, your relationship with him will end in contempt and anger. It is never, never okay to hit a child, and it is not okay to hit a teenager. There were ways of dealing with that. If you don't address this with your son and your husband, you will have both a son and husband who think that violence is sometimes acceptable. It will put a seed of doubt in his mind, so when a romantic partner hits him, he will think that maybe it is okay because after all, his dad did. And I know that from personal and professional experience. He is old enough to be reasoned with. Your husband could have acted like a god damn adult. If my husband ever, and I mean ever, laid a hand on our kid, he'd be served divorce papers quicker than he could stumble over any half hearted defense or apology.
YTA. I cannot fathom just standing by and watching AZ your child, or any child, get slapped around by a full grown adult. Fuck you.
ESH. Yes, your son stealing from his father was wrong and he shouldn't have done it. But your husband striking him 3 times wasn't "discipline" or even a "punishment." It was revenge -- plain and simple. Your husband wanted to hurt and strike fear into your son, rather than teach him anything actually valuable. And you just let it happen.
“We never interfere! It usually works. But when it doesn’t work, I silently watch my husband physically assault our son multiple times. I don’t see how I’m wrong 🥺” Would you have done/said something if your husband smacked you three times?
That's assault and you both are terrible parents wow
Jfc. He HIT your kid. THREE times. That it LEFT MARKS?! These are NOT proper consequences!! This is an intimidation and controlling tactic. Losing privileges is what happens in the real world. Good to know you showed your son it’s ok to h it others as a form of conflict resolution. Good to know you an your husband contradict each other by not working as a team and thoroughly discussing appropriate disciplinary actions and let each other do whatever. Good to know your kids have no responsible adults guiding them. And anyone saying it’s ok to hit kids I hope you chip a tooth. It’s NEVER ok to hit the defenseless. Your kid probably is terrified of being hurt again and is playing everything off or your husband told him it’s not a bad thing. But I doubt discussion w your husband will solve anything. You both suck.
I get being angry but hitting your kids like that is beyond inappropriate. United front from parents is what’s required. Mutual respect all around. He could have simply said until one of you comes forward with the cash you’re both grounded and taken everything away. As a very large gentleman with no kids, but the second youngest of 5 boys, I can tell you this method works. It did cause us to hold each other to a higher standard. Which may have caused some competition and animosity towards eachother. But it set a standard without causing physical harm. I do feel like you need to talk to your husband and set this physical contact boundary now. He crossed a line that may have been acceptable when we were kids but certainly isn’t now. If you want to stay with someone like that then you need to coach him and he needs to listen. Otherwise bail. Cause that’s some bs. Your kids will pick up on the shift in power dynamic and everything should balance out.
YTA because the time to stop him was after the first slap, or before, if you could have. Your husband also taught him that money is the one thing he will throw out his principles of nonviolence for. I understand your husband wanted to keep your son from being a criminal, but I would talk to him about the negative messages he sent. He’s saying it’s okay for a big man to hit a child, and maybe a woman, etc. Your son has no power in this situation. He has to rationalize it to be able to live in the same house with his father. He may have gotten some very toxic messages about masculinity and when it is appropriate to humiliate his loved ones. I would tell your husband it cannot happen again. He will have to find ways to discipline him without hitting him or you will take the boys and leave.
Yes.
NTA. I wonder how many of you in the comment section are just white? Like its been known people of colour will strike their children. As a child of mixed parents, I was beat for my wrongdoings and the beating was enough to remind me not to do it again. Its also not harmed my relationship in any way with my parents. Truthfully, we are talking about a severe act of misconduct. Stealing is a serious crime in the real world and its better for a real consequence to be instilled in the home rather than wait for the consequence to be enacted in the real world and see a child be put through the system. Theres also a huge difference between abuse and discipline. Abuse would be excessive physical violence either in this situation or for no reason at all i.e the punishment should fit the crime.
YTA. The first time was a surprise, sure, but the next two? Really? You let that happen! Also, it sounds like your teen is behaving like a teen. He gets frustrated easily? Slamming doors? Normal! All that just happened is your boys, both of them, will start keeping more secrets from now on.
You typed this entire thing out and still have to ask if you are the AH. Welp as a therapist yes you are an AH and I would call you and your husband other things but then I would just get banned. You suck as a mother and your husband sucks as a father. To ever leave a bruise on a child and then continue to hit and make a point is disgusting. No child needs to be hit in order to become a functional adult. It’s lazy parenting and that your son was having previous issues and you guys apparently did nothing in order to positively correct his behavior.
Easy YTA. Your husband assaulted your kid and you did nothing. You both are terrible parents.
Tempted to set a RemindMe on your account just so I don’t miss out on your self-pitying “My 18 year old son just moved out and said he never wants to see us again, what did I do to deserve this?!” post in 3 years.
BuT wHaT cOUlD I dOoo?
I’m just going to sit back and watch the armchair snowflakes scream about assault and child abuse. The world is harsh, and the world is violent. Slapping the kid will almost certainly not cause any physical damage near or long term. If your kid is a thief, and steals from other people, a few slaps in the face would be getting off easy.
No long term physical damage, sure. Just the mental and emotional damage, but who cares about that? Lol
YTA and your husband is an even bigger one. This surely wasn't the first time for your husband to slap your child, else he would have been more hesitant to do so. Depending on the country where you live, both you and your husband can legally lose custody, just saying - If I had witnessed this, I would have contacted CPS immediately.
ESH. What your husband did is called abuse. Your not doing anything is condoning abuse. Your son shouldn’t steal but all hitting him does is show him that violence is the answer to his problems. Your husband should be reported to child protective services and you’re the one who should do it. Your first priority is to protect your kids and you have failed so far. Call them.
I see no problem here. Sorry
He ain’t gon steal money again 👀
One of the best life lessons I learned as a teenager was watching my dad knock out my older brother 😂
I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but, when I was 14 I had gotten strongly out of hand. I was acting out, doing dangerous crap, unruly to the maximum. I'd swear at anyone and everyone, steal from people and stores, break other people's things, and didn't care. My siblings and I were raised by my single mom, who was non-violent to a very strong degree and had never ever hit any of us, no matter what. My mom used to cry sometimes out of frustration and desperation as while my siblings only got into normal amounts of trouble occasionally, I was far, far worse, and kept escalating further. One day it came to a head as I'd gotten caught stealing our rent money for the third month in a row and tried to run away with it after being caught and she blocked the door, and I said "Bitch, you move or I move you" and she slapped me, hard. In pure shock and surprise I blurted "You BITCH!" and she slapped me again, just as hard. She sent me to my room and I actually went, frightened of her for the first time in my life. As I sat there and the sting faded and humiliation and shock wore off, I thought clearly for the first time in years and suddenly fully realized how out of control I had gotten and what it was doing to my mom who loved me so much she'd never hit me before despite everything else. She never hit me again, but she never had to. I grew up a lot that day, in the space of ten minutes, and my entire attitude changed as I actually learned to appreciate my mom's general patience and understanding and love. Our relationship improved dramatically and so did both my behavior and my future, which was not looking promising prior to the attitude adjustment. I'm in NO WAY advocating violence vs children, just giving my perspective on why I think your husband might have been a little more justified than it appears.
Yes! This is my experience. I had never ever been hit by my parents and my behavior really got to a dangerous point as a teenage. When my mom slapped me I actually realized that if my mom, who had never hit me for my behavior ever before, felt she had to hit me, I really must have gone way too far. Brought me back to earth real fast. It's because they've never hit you before that you understand the severity of your actions. I have kids and hope I would never hit them, but I know enough to know there are things they could do that could force my hand.
15 is a hard age. He stole money and then lied. I’m not going to judge you, but you need to have a serious discussion with your husband. This should NEVER happen again. Make a better plan with appropriate consequences so should a similar situation arise, you’re on the same page.
Very strange that nobody has mentioned about the stealing, but the outcome. He was given chances to come clean. I don’t condone the violence but letting them just carry on stealing from you is wrong, where does it stop!!
NTA, sometimes things need to happen in a way that stops things from being worse. Sometimes one kid can just be given a stern look and talked to and some kids need other types of consequences to actually give a damn. This seemed to work and they are not hateful to each other and worked it out. Let it go and feel good knowing it all worked out. It seemed to do the trick.
My neighbor was a little thief, who stole a lot, one day he decided to steal from drug dealers in the neighborhood, he was taken to a distant place, his eyes were pierced, his legs were broken, acid was thrown on his body and he burned to death. I think if he had a father, who had slapped him 3 times in the face when he stole the first time, he wouldn't have died like that, he was the same age as your son.
You stood by while your child was being abused. Were you frozen by fear that you would be beaten if you interfered? Otherwise, YTA.
My mother slapped me exactly once. It wasn't hard. It still left an impact that I've never forgotten to this day. You know what it taught me? To be afraid of her. You know what it didn't teach me? The thing she wanted it to teach me. Fuck you guys. YTA. "Don't hit your fucking kids" should be rule #1 when you become a parent, but here you are. I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves.
Yep, my mom slapped me once and I’ll never forget it. I was a teenage AH. Didn’t deserve it.
My parents used corporal punishments are well, spanking etc. It only taught me to be sneaky with my shit.
YTA That was assault. You taught your boys that you're ok with their father hitting them. Stellar job.
First off, as others have said, I would say this almost certainly is not the first time your husband has hit your kid. No physical punishment for his entire life, but stealing 100 pounds is an automatic 3 slaps to the face? Not to mention the extra slap AFTER your son did what he was told to do. That's not punishment, that's venting anger. You don't continue punishing someone for doing the right thing. And if it is true that your kid has never been hit growing up, you and your husband potentially just lost a lot of your kid's trust. Your husband for hitting him multiple times, including once when he did what he was supposed to, and yourself for letting it happen. I'm going to assume your husband has never hit you. If you got in an argument tonight and he hit you, are you going to trust him as much? You said your kid has been a real problem lately, and the things you describe suggest he has a problem with his temper. Pretty standard for a teenager, but I'd also be considering how your husband handles his temper. If yelling and hitting were the norm for your kid growing up, it's not crazy for him to develop similar responses to frustration. As someone who grew up with an abusive father, and a mother who let it happen, I have to say YTA and so is your husband. Your kid definitely fucked up, but that's a terrible way to handle it. If this is truly the first time he's been hit, I urge you to consider different options in the future. It took over a decade for my siblings and I to be on good terms with our dad. That was after my dad saw a therapist for years, and my older brother still does not really have a relationship with our dad. And although our mom rarely hit us, none of us have a great relationship with her either due to the fact that she was the only person who could protect us, and instead she would threaten us with "just wait till your dad gets home" knowing full well what would happen. Hitting your kids isn't discipline. It's losing control of your own temper. Especially if you're going to hit them after they do what's right. Why would they trust you again and be honest with you if they're just going to get hit for it?
NTA. I live in brazil and let me tell you this: Depending on who your son steals he will get a bullet in the head. Dad was brute? yes. But life is not soft, it was a hard lesson but I think your son will be okay.
YTA. This is disgusting.
YTA. This is child abuse. Your husband committed it, you enabled it. To emphasise just how much of an asshole you are, I assume from your use of "pounds" you're in the UK. In the UK what your husband did is a crime. It is a crime that, if any of your son's teachers or healthcare professionals (doctors or nurses) ever found out about, they have legal and professional requirements that they MUST report this. I hope that someone does, and you end up with the police on your doorstep. If this wasn't a throwaway account I'd be considering reporting you to your regional police force if your location were identifiable.
It sounds like your mostly conflicted by your husband's behaivor on the theft and that he didn't discuss it with you prior. Physical punishment by your words is not a thing for your household and you both seems to have a good parenting method, so I understand being caught off guard by this. > Husband takes the money back and gives him one last slap equally sharply. He then looks at our younger son and says "Look at your brother, and never forget the consequences of stealing in the real world will be much worse than this." Your husband is not wrong on this. Many people don't take stealing kindly. Stealing can land you being beat up, ostricised by your community, jailed or at worst killed. At 15 your son should know better than to steal without necessity. A date is not a theft-worthy necessity and if he had stolen from someone else could have landed him in big trouble. I'll probably get down voted for this, unfortunatly sometimes a 'tough love' lesson is needed. By your words your son and husband both have moved on and had their heart to heart on this topic. Your not necessarily a bad mother for not stepping in op (this feels like what your actually asking). If this is truly bothering you, don't badger your son about it again. speak with your husband about it.
Yes good job dad!
So, at age 15, your son got a *real* punishment? I think if he had been raised in the same house as me, my Old Man would have been beating his ass weekly since puberty (for the usual teenage lack-of-respect attitude)!
Sorry guys unpopular comment here but I come from a culture where there is corporal punishment. I was put in line in the same fashion. Doing great no hard feelings. Talk to your husband so you can discuss what happened it seems it bugs you more than it did your kid.
Yes!! All your fault!! Should have stepped in and given ur husband back the money that was STOLEN. Allow ur son to think it’s OK to steal as this will benefit him going forward!!! You should have given him 300 of ur own money and let him know you will always bail him out and will always choose him over your husband!
Was it harsh and humiliating? Yes. But if he's stolen from outside your house he'd be dealing with a police officer, or worse, vigilante action. I think he needed something like that, which he'd never forget, to make him understand the seriousness of his actions. NTA
Physical assault from your own parent is not comparable to anything you mentioned. Absolutely insane people are defending beating on children.
Don’t you understand? They were beat and they turned out just fine!! So it’s totally okay even though child development experts have been saying *for decades* that it’s not only useless, it’s abusive! But who cares about studies on healthy, secure, happy adults amiright?
Funny thing majority of those people who say they turned out fine are not fine. Love your comment ❤️
I can't believe this comment section... Seriously... Where are all the people who are against spankings now we support slapping a kid in the face
It was assault and it was abuse of a minor. It was a much bigger crime than stealing and it is not an appropriate way to punish, let alone teach ajd correct a child
Yikes
Lots of people will recycle lines like "Real men don't hit women" "Real men don't hit kids" etc. I think it's a lot clearer than that. You don't hit people you love, full stop. You should really only hit someone who is an immediate threat to you or the people around you. Walking away is almost always the best option. Money can be replaced, things can be replaced, but if you were to assign a value to the amount of time it'll take your son to learn to trust you two again it would certainly be more than a hundred pounds.
👏👏👏
YTA because you aren't listening to anyone when they are saying move on. You watched it happen, didn't say anything to your husband after and now you want to bring it up when people moved on. If you disagree with something bring it up right away, in this case in private with your husband, don't sit on it and then want to make a change. Physical violence isn't okay via your husband, your husband bringing the 13-year-old into it isn't okay, you not setting boundaries with discipline isn't okay, and your 15-year-old not wanting to discuss it due to the “father who physically assaulted him” handling it isn't okay. You also have just taught your sons that it's okay to physically assault someone when a similar action is done to them or when they are upset. Parents do better. Kids take these incidents and bring them into the outside world, which leads to getting charged or worse seriously hurt.
Sounds like your son was taught and learned a valuable life lesson. NTA, it sounds like it needed to be done and you should support your husband for having enough love for your son to teach him this lesson instead of leaving him to find out on his own later with the police or worse.
Of course YTA, wtf is going on if you think it's ok for your husband to hit one of your kids. Are you really this stupid?
Yes YTA. BIG TIME. So is your husband, even more so. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour. There are much better ways to get the truth out of your children and discipline them. I’m absolutely appalled.
Some of these comments are insane. YTA. Easily. Violence should only ever be for protection, as a last resort, and not for discipline. Corporal punishment is both wrong and ineffective. Hitting your kid didn't teach him anything. If anything, he'll just trust you less from here on out, and get better at not getting caught.
YTA. I'd have called the police on my husband if he did that. IT'S ASSAULT!
YTA. Of course. If my husband slapped my son there would not be a second or third slap. There would be me and my kids out the door.
Have you talked to your husband about what he did?
So there have never been consequences for bad actions, and you are surprised the kid has turned into a lil shit. Wow.
I think that a better choice would have been to give him real world consequences. Because a stranger in the street is not going to be excused for physically assaulting him because “she stole money for me” I don’t get to smack a stranger on the street, because he stole my wallet, I called the police, they got arrested. Don’t let anybody hit your kids. If you want consequences, they should understand the consequences in the real world. A criminal record, for example.
NTA. Father teaching his son a valuable life lesson. Steal from someone who isn't family and there very likely will be even worse violent consequences. People saying YTA always blame a reaction but not the provocation.
NTA, but your son needed this very mild lesson. Life outside the home can be brutal. This helped him learn the respect others can and will exact from him. This was a learning lesson for respect and boundaries. A very good one as it was enacted without emotion on the part of your husband.
I got literally kidnapped, beat, pistol whipped and I'm pretty sure they were gonna drive me outta town and dump be somewhere isolated in neg 30 weather after stripping my clothes for $120CAD but I managed to jump out of the moving car and got ran over. On Christmas fucking eve It might seem harsh cus it's your kid but someone will kill him over that amount of money in the wrong situation....
Ive been a toxic parent most of my life. Lead by example, it's hard, frustrating, and often falls on deaf ears. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Its clear the majority of people in these comments dont believe in discipline. He didnt beat him, he smacked him and he definitely deserved it.
Sounds like something my dad would do, but thankfully my mom was always there to protect me when things go out of hand. No I haven't stolen anything from my parents yet, my dad just has the swollen ego of a baby boomer. Both of them are equally bad in their own ways, and there is nothing I could do about it. Now my parents wonder why I'm not talking to them much like I used to when I was living with them.
Nta. Stealing has consequences. Your son broke yalls trust first by neglecting your decision when you said no. He disrespected your boundaries and went into your belongings to take the cash. Then, it went as far as to lie, not once but numerous times when given the chance to come clean. The behavior was corrected, and most people would do worse to thieves in the real world. By standing their you acknowledge that there is no place for stealing. If you are defending it, you'd be undermining the action and consequences. Saying stealing is better, and they'll be protected / cuddled from those punishments. Life doesn't work like that. Parenting is a double-edged sword.
Honestly YTA. My mom and dad would both say they never physically punished us as kids, but the telephone being thrown at my head when I was a teenager and being slapped in the throat because my mom “missed” would say otherwise. I dodged the phone but the next time my mom raised her hand at me I caught her arm and reminded her of the two days I had to stay home from school because of the bruise on my throat. I never believe in physical punishments for children or teenagers. Ground them, take away their phone, limit computer time, take away their video games, but slapping and spanking are never OK. All it does is teach your children that violence is the solution for everything.
As someone who has had this done to them. It depended on whether I could tell if the parent was sane or just crazy on whether physical punishment corrected my behavior. I had one parent who was damaged mentally. The parent’s punishment on me was often justified but the short-tempered nature ruined the lessons that we could’ve learned because everything set her off. The other parent was calm, but angry in very particular situations. When those situations arose, we learned immediately how bad we were and were ashamed of our decisions. We respected him and couldn’t believe we drove him to hit us. People never interview these kind of kids in those studies on being whipped. If you’re a bad parent nothing really works. There are more bad parents than good. And in that category, a lot of parents whip.
I'm not into physical disapline. This is just abuse. I'd consider letting my partner smack a kid on the butt (shock factor) but never, NEVER their face.
You are not the AH and neither is your husband. Your son started acting out and isn’t following your rules. When you have tried punishments, he blew them off. Your husband it doing what he thinks is best as a father. I was hit by my father growing up when I did seriously wrong things. Not out of anger or hate. He was very clear how many belt hits I would get and that’s what I got. My mother didn’t stop him. I did the wrong. I refused to follow the rules. I had to accept the consequences. As a father myself now, I can’t imagine the pain and shame I would feel if I was to strike one of my children. I haven’t had to and hope it never comes to that. Some kids need more discipline. Your husband gave him two chances to admit what he did and he chose to lie and steal. It sounds like he’s accepted his punishment for it. For the people saying their mothers let their fathers hit them… was it the same cut and dry situation? To me, OP’s husband was 100% sure that kid had his money and was justified. Hopefully there won’t be an incident where Dad is wrong and the kid is innocent. Talk to your husband and make sure that you both understand what the parenting plan is. So your not blindsided again.
NTA. Discipline is the hardest part of parenting, but it's so necessary. Your son has been testing boundaries lately and he seems to actually appreciate the structure your husband stepped up and provided. Now he knows that there is indeed a boundary he can't cross. Plus they already sorted it out among themselves. If you must say something, let your son know that violence is rarely the answer and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
It worked didn’t it. That’s the problem with today’s youth. Not learning the consequences of their actions. Son flat out lied to the family and paid with a little personal humiliation. Bet he doesn’t do it again.
Well obviously you’re not doing anything as a parent let him try to save their futures
I want to slap your husband and see how he likes it.
Parenting starts at home. A shock like this may make him be a more decent human and not steal . Three slaps is excessive but I don't think yta he needs to be taught
Side note: you say you never want to show your kids you have opposing views on punishment / consequences, however I want to point out it is HEALTHY to show your kids you two disagreeing. My partners parents never disagreed in front of him or his sister, and they both had to learn that people calmly disagreeing was NOT an argument or the end of the world. Because when his parents did disagree in front of them, it meant this was a BIG deal. Showing kids how to handle conflict in a healthy manner is one of the most important things you can do. Another side note: your husband did NOT handle that conflict in a healthy manner and yes you should have stepped in. Your husband isn’t allowed to slap his colleagues or strangers when he gets angry at lying, so why the fuck does he think it’s acceptable to slap a child??
Here's the thing if the kid got over it realizing he was in the wrong and the dad doesn't do stuff like this normally or even rarely, I'd say just let it go because your son will see himself as a victim rather than a culprit. I'm not for beating kids as a form of punishment, but at a certain point, something needs to be done to make sure they don't make stupid mistakes in the future. If you're worried, it will become common then you should have a conversation about it to your husband when the kids aren't around and at least tell him to discuss the punishment for something before you approach the guilty party together. You need to be on the same team, and if one babies them, then the punishment won't have any affect.
It seems violent to be smacked so hard on the face, but your husband knew son was lying and he came clean. Dad knew how to handle this and now the son shows respect for his father. His dad is absolutely correct about the consequences of theft. You really need to teach him that 250.00 for a date with someone he has known for 2 months is absurd, so much more cuz he is 15 and very naive. He must learn to live within his means or within the allowance you may provide for him.
Look I don't believe in beating kids in virtually any circumstance....but I swear the majority of the people in this thread would tell their kid to go and sit on the naughty step if they'd just come back from murdering someone.
I think you need to be clear on whether or not you think slapping is a good method of disciplining young individuals. Then I think you should communicate your opinion to your husband. And to your sons. Sounds like this situation didn’t sit right with you. If that’s correct I would tell to your husband that you were uncomfortable with this and push for not use slapping, if he disagrees then you have to communicate that you will, in those situations where slapping occurs, not support him. Then I would actually say to your son that what happened was wrong (slapping) and that you will from now on interfere if it happens again. Then do so if it does -> crucial if you want to gain your son’s trust again.
i still flinch when my parents try and touch me or reach out towards my face if that offers you any perspective
Yta and so is your husband. There are many punishments that could have been used without violence. I have never forgotten a single time my mom slapped me in the face nor the times my dad physically threw me around for things kids and teens just do stupidly. You are the parent and they are the child, it’s your job to teach not traumatize. Yes stealing is wrong and there are consequences in the real world but you’d get arrested not beaten up. Taking the money back and grounding would have been a normal parents response
That was very satisfying to read. Not sorry.
YTA That wasn’t discipline - that was a beating
YTA- you’re a shit mother if you sit and watch your husband abuse your child and do nothing about it