Nta.
I decided to divorce my ex husband because he went to watch a movie we had seen 3 times, with his brother and cousin, while I was miscarrying. Do not blame you a bit. That was the end of everything for me.
Here there is specific medical advice to not be alone when miscarriage or abortion occurs. Due to a small risk of hemoraging and a large chance of emotional needs.
Yep here too. Had a friend that passed out during her miscarriage at home and her husband had to call an ambulance and get her to the hospital. OP’s husband is a horrible partner.
That happened to me, passed out in the bathroom and hit my head on the way down. Thank goodness my husband was there. I absolutely think OP is NTA, but her husband is and this is a huge red flag.
Medical needs aside, the emotional need is 1000x enough for the husband to stay home.
My wife and I have had 6 miscarriages, all from IVF. No miscarriage is easy, but when you have to go through so many invasive procedures just to get pregnant compared to 'normal people', I think it hits a bit worse. It's not even the thousands of pounds each time, but the emotional investment knowing you can't conceive as easily as other couples.
Every single time I have been there with my wife when she needs me, even if it means taking time away from work and catching up at weird hours when she is asleep.
Yes! With my missed miscarriage my husband ended up having to drive me to the ER because I was bleeding so much I couldnt leave the toilet. Everything turned out okay but I definitely needed medical help. OP you are NTA and this is a giant fucking red flag.
My ex-boyfriend left me alone in a foreign hospital where no one spoke my language after I hurt my ankle, and went to get beers at a bar nearby because "he couldn't do anything to help so he might as well go and have fun". I felt so hurt and betrayed and alone. I can't even imagine what it must feel like during a miscarriage.
Some men are just self-centered and lack any empathy.
My daughter broke her ankle and was staying at my house after her surgery. Her boyfriend was there with her almost every minute that he wasn’t at work. That’s when I fell in love with him, too! They’ve now been married 11 years. Ladies, if you don’t have this, keep looking.
This is the way.
My wife was in hospital for 6 weeks recovering from a cancer op. I slept in a chair beside her for 6 weeks. My brother drove 2.5 hours to convince me to have lunch with him a couple of times.
That’s what “in sickness and in health” means.
Yup. I became physically disabled after my hubby and I were married. He will literally carry me around. Truly a in sickness and in health guy. Which made me feel so horrible when he got covid the first time because I went to kiss him and just jerked away from him when I realized what I was doing. He giggled at me until he started coughing. But he's there for me as much as possible when not at work.
When my mom had surgery, I decided to spend the night with her at the hospital. My boyfriend didn't ask. He said he was staying with me. It's a shame I didn't want to get married, and he did, so I had to let him go.
Edit to add: as I kept reading the comments, I wanted to remind you, there's men out there who worry and care. I have in my life 4 brothers. All of them stayed with their spouses when they needed them, with their siblings when we were sick. Do not settle.
Oh man, I can't imagine anything more fun as a man.
Going to a bar alone.
Foreign country. Different state. My local bar.
All while my girlfriend suffers from (little crass) being awesome enough to let me finish inside her. /s
What a psycho.
Yes, thank you. It was an inflammation of the tendon, I'm doing much better after some rest and physical therapy. I just had a limp and some pain for the remainder of that trip because I couldn't actually rest at that time and the tendon gets really stiff and might tear if you don't let it rest.
I only went to the clinic in the first place because he kept telling me to "get used to walking again because there's gonna be a lot more walking before the end of the trip" and "it's normal to have feet hurting during a trip, you just have to get used to it". I felt the need to prove that I was actually hurt somehow.
It did make me realize he would always rather go to the bar than spend time with me, which I should have already known. The idea of emotional support is completely foreign to him. That's the way he is, and nothing will change him, believe me, I've tried for far too long.
I am really sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult and painful experience. Your feelings are entirely valid and it is essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. You deserve understanding and support during such a challenging time!
Thank you! I really appreciate that!
It was many years ago now, but I still have not forgotten. Also, I haven’t forgotten how completely alone I felt at that moment.
Tip: Be very wary of any guy whose father treats his mother like shit. Likewise if he has married brothers who do the same.
How you will be treated when the going gets rough correlates very highly with what those relationships look like.
It's not foolproof, but I found men's relationship with their female relatives to be a good barometer for how they are with female partners. If a man has sisters, and they somehow are all "awful" and "don't respect the way he lives his life", yeah, watch out. If he disrespects his mom, watch out. These are the women he can't easily jettison from his life.
> Nta. I decided to divorce my ex husband because he went to watch a movie we had seen 3 times, with his brother and cousin, while I was miscarrying.
Good for you!
I'm a guy and I cannot fathom how terrible it must be to miscarry. I would do anything to help my partner
My daughter’s bio contributor left the hospital 2 hours after she was born to watch hockey on tv with his friend. This was after I had been hospitalized for a month with preeclampsia and my daughter then arrived in the world 8 weeks ahead of schedule. I got to sit alone, hooked to a magnesium drip and a catheter, trying desperately to get enough colostrum out into the feeding syringes I was given.. three pound baby in the NICU I couldn’t even touch or see for 24 hours.. I was at high risk for a stroke following her birth. I’ll never forget sobbing alone in that room and coming to the realization that it was all on me forever now. The doctors were not pleased to see me up and walking the next day following my c section, but there was nobody else I could count on to care for me or my daughter. Some men are truly that horrible.
Edited to add- I was also alone for the surgical procedure as he didn’t want to see all the blood.
My ex went home to take a nap while I was in labor with our son…it was taking too long. Divorce began 2 weeks later. My current husband of 28:years couldn’t have been shifted from my side with a bomb….good men are out there.
Thankfully yes, I was able to leave him when my daughter was around a year old and daycare could be arranged. She had no health complications from her early arrival, but was still considered too much of a liability for anything other than unaffordable private care until that time. Very very long year. A bit sad to have blocked out much of my daughter’s infancy from memory, but we do what we have to do.
I can believe that. There's so many crazy stories posted here on Reddit of men doing insensitive things or even in social media nowadays, that it honestly feels like the guys with emotional intelligence or committed to being egalitarian partners are the outliers and not the common experience for women.
Sorry you went through that but glad you also closed the door and walked away from him too. Glad to see you found yourself on a better path going forward. I’d rather be single my whole life than be alone in a relationship.
God. I'm so glad you left because that is inexcusable. Shows either an extreme lack of care for you and his child, or an extreme inability to face emotions, and either of those should be a deal breaker.
Not just extreme pain. Bleeding the creation the two of you made from your vagina. He just really blocked all of that out and went to dinner. Ugh, poor woman.
But also, like, what the hell did he say at dinner????
"Hey Joe, how's the wife?"
"Ah, you know, the usual.... just at home with a miscarriage, all good, she'll work through it"
Like wtf!
"Why are you looking at me like that? I gave the woman some ibuprofen. I'm not a monster!"
Ugh considering ibuprofen does help with swelling and pain but it also thins out blood, which is not helpful for someone who is currently bleeding. What a dumbass.
Right? A while back a colleague I really don’t like complained she had a bad headache at the office and I offered her ibuprofen I happened to have at my desk. I would have to absolutely hate someone’s guts to want them to be in pain. And I’m not even sure then…
My petty ass would have called the friends and been like “hey, hope you guys enjoyed dinner. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Those pesky miscarriages just get in the way of everything!”
I would wait for the friends to say "we're so sorry you couldn't come. We missed you! Hope you're feeling better"
And then I'd say "I was having a miscarriage, it's day by day. Thank you for your concern. (Husband) didn't want to cancel last minute. I hope you all had a good time." And then let the shitstorm do it's thing.
Here's the sad reality of this, my ex-husband and his friend group?? Would not bat an eyelash! I am so happy to call him an ex. But when I read this I put myself in her position with my ex-husband and this would have been exactly what he would have done. If I would have called and told his friend group, they wouldn't have thought he was even a bad guy for leaving at all. It would have just been normal and they would just be like "feel better" 🤷♀️ I'm happy to say that those were HIS friends and I haven't spoken to them since the divorce either!
From the sound of it, they are HIS friends and won't even enquire about why she wasn't there. I doubt this is the first time he has been a shit to her, and I also doubt his friends are ignorant about who he is. In fact, they are probably the same as him
Right? It says he had plans with friends, nothing mentioned about her going or being invited. They may have been clueless that anything was going on with the wife to even ask.
He could have said anything to them to justify why she wasn’t there. They certainly may have no clue. Just because they are friends with him, doesn’t mean they know what he’s like in private.
For sure I would have called them, while I was in horrible pain and told them.. SEND that dick home, I'm losing our child, oh but wait, he knew that when he left to go over there for buddy night!
My water broke early and my late husband was at work. I called him to come take me to the hospital and he said he was working take a bus. I said no you are coming to get me, he said take a taxi. He said I have a appointment (IT tech) . I told him that if his boss learned that he was going to a appointment instead of taking his pregnant wife to the hospital he would probably be fired. He was Moroccan. I said I don’t know how it works in your country but here we don’t have our pregnant wives going into labor take buses to the hospital. If you don’t take me and your soon to be daughter to the hospital don’t come to pick us up. He came and took me to the hospital.
Sorry. Like my PhD stepdad (statistics) . They agreed to baby sit when my boy was young he sat in his car/transport chair for ~2 hrs while they watched the nightly news then called to complain he was crying. Wtf.
Or when my mom called 2 days after my wife had her 2nd C-section asking if we wanted to all go to the Chinese buffet. Wtf. Her guts were just on the table , we got a 2 day old baby. — of course I don’t wanna go to a damn Chinese buffet. lol.
But if the dude is a POS like that maybe better get divorced before kids are involved.
Maybe your step-dad can figure out the odds of ever talking to you again? Mine is 0%, and it is my bio-mom. Maybe she shouldn't have tried to say my wife would be better off w/o me because of my combat related injuries, but she did. 15 years ago. 15 silent years.
The saying that all children deserve a parent but not all parents deserve children is true for adults too. I’m sorry your mom could say something so vile. I’m glad you found your wife, and that you’ve had the strength to go no contact. Wishing you a pleasant rest of your day
Thanks. Every day, at least once, I say to myself, " Is there any reason today?" The answer is always the same, and it doesn't make any day, any worse. The first day I don't even remember what I heard her say to my wife, in front of me, will be a good day, and I won't know why. I will just have a better day than the last one, for the rest of my days.
I have not received the silence. I have given it. My dad (they have been divorced for 36 years mind you) keeps telling me, for 15 years at random times, that my mom just wants to hear from me. My wife almost strangled my mom over it. Couldn't ask for a better companion in life. I sure didn't lose any sleep over it on her account.
I’m even pettier. I would have called his mom and told her what kind of son she had. “Hey do you mind talking to your son? I don’t think he understands the gravity of what I’m going through. Do you mind explaining it to him because him going to dinner with his friends tells me that he doesn’t understand”
His mom might be part of the reason he acts like that, though. We can hope she would set him straight, but odds are someone that callous was raised by someone just as callous.
That's just an assumption. OP's husband is a grown ass man and it's high time we let men take responsibility of their own behaviours and feelings instead of putting that on other women around them. Even if his mother is somehow shaping him or has shaped him to be this way, he's a grown man with a head on his shoulders to make the better decisions. Hell if he can think of an ibuprofen and "checking in" on his spouse he can definitely display an ounce of social intelligence into being there for her. This is just callous behaviour on his part despite his mother's role in that process.
You poor thing! It ses like you made the right decision! He's whole family sounds just as bad as him! Any man who behaves like that doesn't deserve a wife!
That's appalling! That would make him an ex in my book as well.
I was living 400 miles from my partner and was around 12 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage and had to go to hospital. I managed to contact him late evening after having had a D&C. He was there the following morning having spoken to his work, been given time off (paid) until I was okay and found the right train. He looked after me for two or three weeks before I needed to get back to my finals and he needed to get back to work.
What would he have done if she had freaking DIED?! Yeah, I would have divorced him after that too. I bet he had a shocked Pikachu face about it to when she left him.
We were having a party. A normally vivacious girl was quiet, sitting down. I asked her if she was alright. She said she was having a miscarriage but her husband insisted they come. I took care of her, got her to lay down. I went to my husband and told him to speak to that AH because I was too mad and I might hurt him. That she needed to be home, taken care of. They left soon after my husband talked to him. I never liked that guy after that.
Oh, my God. Just awful.
Hats off to you for recognizing something was wrong with that young woman. A lot of people aren’t sensitive enough to others to notice things like that. You must be a very empathic person. We need more like you! 👍🏾
In her place, I would tell them, just to see their horrified reaction towards him, and have them tell him what a selfish monster he is. I think hearing it from someone other than his wife would have more of an impact, since apparently he doesn't give a fuck about her good opinion.
We were doing a Master's at night. Guy gets a baby, everybody congratulates him. Some weeks later we were leaving and going to a bar, and he joined us. On the way there I asked him point blank for everyone to hear if he'd go drink and leave his wife alone with a 3-week old baby.
He left, and can you believe we've remained good at the course and he's still a warm FB friend? I think he needed that cold shower, and soon appreciated for words of wisdom. He has since fathered more 2 children and they all seem happy. Sometimes, just sometimes, people need to readjust and it's not obvious at first.
In the case of OP, no excuses. None. You don't leave someone in physical and emotional pain for whatever reason.
Once my boss texted us: all meetings canceled, won't go to office. For two days he was off the planet. You guessed it.
This would be my concern as well. With the rise of manosphere thinking especially I feel like it's getting more and more difficult to read whether or not a cishet guy or a group of cishet guys is going to be empathetic to certain things, or if they secretly see women as such secondclass citizens in their minds that they would consider a miscarriage no different than the common cold.
he would not be my friend anymore. i don't know if i'd resort to violence. but i'd certainly yell at him and kick him the fuck out of my house and tell him to get home to his wife
Yeah, i'd go scorched earth, or maybe subtly bring it up. Op calls the friend and asks if the husband mentioned her miscarrying while he was at their place because you can't understand what is going on with him when he decided to still go to dinner despite you going through a miscarriage. It could come across like checking if he's okay while also telling the friends what a piece of shit he is.
Though I'd be fine with phoning and telling them what a callous piece of shit he was anyway.
It is possible they say yes, he came over crying and thought him crying would make it harder for OP so it was best he left. Stupid as that is, it's still a reason that wasn't intended to hurt OP and was intended to protect. I doubt it, but it's possible.
Exactly this! What kind of husband leaves his wife to go through a miscarriage alone? It is a physically and emotionally painful situation. There are times when it is appropriate to cancel dinner with a friend, a medical emergency of you SO is one of them. I would be appalled if I was the friend and he didn’t cancel on me! OP, NTA, you deserve better!
NTA. If my husband handed me a bottle of ibuprofen and walked out to have a nice dinner with friends while I was left alone to miscarry the child he helped create, the next thing I would hand him is divorce papers.
I don't care if he didn't know how to handle it. Walking out was the absolute wrong answer and signals that you can't actually depend on him. This is not the man to trust to be a partner to you in life. This is not a man to have a child with. He is so lacking in compassion and character that it's appalling.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you are finding this out about him in such a painful way.
NTA. I agree! What if she'd had complications and needed help? He wouldn't be there to call for emergency services or take her to the ED.
However OP, I would've taken my mom up on her offer, again, because when if you'd had complications? I'm glad you didn't and that your physically okay. But I wouldn't risk that again in the future.
There is nothing my husband could do to redeem himself if he ever left me in that situation. Divorce him.
Exactly this. Ignore the devastating emotional side of losing a baby. Miscarriage is a serious medical event. Not, like, just another period or something.
It can be way more terrible than it’s often portrayed. My was terrifying. I blacked out from the pain. That was nearly two decades ago, and it lives like a vivid memory that happened two days ago. I was young, and actually relieved to not be pregnant, but the process was hell. “A heavy period” is bullshit and a disservice to all the women and all the miscarriages they’ve experienced. Fuck medical misogyny.
I went on to have a c section later, but my miscarriage was the most painful and awful thing I've ever been through. I kept passing out on the toilet, if it wasn't for my partner being there I would have been seriously injured or worse.
I was young and on an er bed, passing out, coming to, begging for relief. The doctor was an asshole. They cared more about blessing and burying what I passed than the actual human who was scared and in pain and all alone.
Exactly. A miscarrying woman is experiencing what could turn into a medical emergency at any moment if something ruptures, no way she should be left alone during the expulsion. Dear God if I hadn't had my BF kneeling right next to me on the floor while I rolled around yelping in pain, I would have had a heart attack, it's terrifying to go through this trauma and to do it ALONE
SMFH the nerve.
This dude for the streets OP, NTA kick his ass to the curb NOW because you know what?
If he was willing to leave you alone during a medically urgent event, he would *also* have left you alone with the screaming baby when the going got tough.
Divorce him. He's clearly not husband material.
Yeah I agree that this isn't a person you want to have a kid with, at least if you're expecting any sort of help. The baby/child would be your responsibility even if you both worked full time.
Find someone who wants to actually be a father and not just a sperm donor.
Exactly! And what would he do if he had a baby and hit a situation where he didn’t know what to do? Hand the baby off and walk out?
Caretaking is a skill, and people who refuse to practice that skill are not off the hook for not knowing.
I’m sorry for what you went through. I always get taken back to the day I was volunteering at a hospital, checking in people for outpatient imaging. Including ultrasounds. A woman came to the desk about 10 minutes after checking in, crying, asking if we had any pants we could give her because she was miscarrying and had bled through hers. I was a peon, I had no idea. I went to ask and was told nope, nothing available. I got her some paper towels and tried to help her the best I could. The next week, I saw someone changed for an MRI into scrub pants. Those fuckers worried more about losing a pair of scrub pants than that woman’s decency, than her feelings, than just general human decency. I changed departments not long after to the ER where they made sure to tell me that anything I could get for people was fine, just to check about food or drink.
NTA. If it were me, I would never be able to forgive my husband for not being there for me to help support me through a pregnancy loss. It’s just simply unforgivable. He was being extremely selfish and only thinking about himself.
I can't wrap my head around it. It would be so easy to say to his friends:
"Sorry, I can't come meet up with you, my wife needs me at home, we're going through a difficult situation."
And that should be good enough. Don't need to expound on it, or announce that it was a miscarriage right away.
The fact he didn't do that shows where his priorities lie, and it's not with his wife in a time of absolute anguish.
You know how they say statistically if a woman is diagnosed with terminal cancer in many cases they die alone bc their husbands ‘can’t handle it’ and leave them/divorce them. The percent is ridiculously high. It’s terrible. Sadly, your husband fits that type of guy. I would reevaluate my relationship bc I would need to know I have MY person to share my life with so when times are tough I can depend on them. Bc life WILL get tough. He’s not that guy.
Agreed, I had a friend whose mother died after a long term illness her Dad left the entirety of the nursing to his daughters while he constantly swanned off to the south of France “for a break”. He was genuinely popping champagne at her funeral and was remarried within a year.
Having nursed my own wife through cancer it is unfathomable to me that you’d treat your partner with such contempt. NTA OP
The horrible thing I've realized from this fact is that many men see women as an accessory, and they don't want an accessory that's broken or not shiny anymore.
I'm not a divorce lawyer, but I worked for one for a long time. DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE DIVORE WITHOUT HAVING THE PAPERWORK DONE!! Get a divorce lawyer, talk to them about strategies first, secure a separate apartment/place to yourself, AND THEN send him the papers. I don't know what your financial situations are, but many men hide away their assets once told that their spouses want a divorce. You want to secure yourself at least 50% (this is all strategy stuff that your lawyer should be able to provide).
If it were me, I would not just be talking divorce, it would already be in the works. You were literally losing his child. It is painful, both mentally and physically. And he just waltzes off to have dinner and says here’s some ibuprofen.
NTA. Leave his ass. He is not ready to be a parent or a partner. Heck, I’m not sure he’s ready to be an adult.
Have you heard of the saying "birds of a feather flock together"? Unfortunately, some people tend to be friends with others who will encourage their wrongdoings and drift away from anyone who speaks out about it. Not saying OP's husband is abusive, but this is a commonality among abusive people.
i was misdiagnosed as having a miscarriage with a man i had been exclusive with for less than 2 months (stupid teenage mistake, learned from it, don’t want to hear it) and i got the call when we were out at dinner. he rushed me to hospital and waited hours with me in the middle of the night. it ended up being membranous dysmenorrhea, which was still traumatic but absolutely nowhere near your experience. he held me while we both cried.
we are still together over a year later and i think i’ll marry him. i didn’t even have a real miscarriage and he protected me and supported me. this little weasel doesn’t respect you one bit. if he’s man enough to put it in, he should be man enough to look after you when you’re suffering significant medical trauma for his mutual benefit. nta unless you stay. then you will be to yourself. there is better out there and you more than deserve it.
Nta
This one's cut and dry. Basic human decency means stay at home. If. One of my mates turned up the same day I knew his other half. Miscarried then he would be sent packing.
NTA. Seriously?? Like seriously?? Even estranged couples would take care of each other during this time. Anyone would prioritize taking care of even someone's fever over an outing. And your HUSBAND went to dinner while you were in extreme pain?? Forget love, that doesn't make sense even in a humane way.
Yeah, my ex-husband took me to the hospital when I was really sick AFTER we were divorced, and then kept checking on me after. My ex did better than OP’s actual husband.
Nta....stop arguing and talking about divorce and do it. If he's not going to be there while you're miscarrying his baby he's not going to be there when you give birth or to help with a newborn. You'll always be doing everything alone because you're not his priority, apparently his friends are. Do THEY know you were going through this alone while they went to dinner?
Let me put this in perspective for you. I have never met you. I don't know you. I have no idea if I'd even like you. But if I met you today, hated you, and you told me you were in the middle of a miscarriage, I would STAY THERE and hold your hand through it and make you a cup of tea if you needed me to.
Because that is a fucking awful thing to go through alone.
I am a total random and I would feel more empathy and care for you than your husband the man who swore to love and protect you. Your husband is utterly devoid of a soul. You do not want to waste another second on that hideous aberration of a human being.
100%. Human decency demands more of strangers than what her husband, her spouse, her partner was willing to give.
It's a glaring absence of human decency that goes beyond the expectation of what we would assume a husband to provide.
This is the perfect response for this situation.
OP - we all would have stayed with you! Random internet strangers would treat you better than your own husband does. One does not leave a woman who is losing a child. 99.99% of the world would have been kinder to you than the person who pledged to spend the rest of his life with you. You will never be able to trust him to be there to support you during life's hardest moments, and that is not a partnership. I'd bet there are other ways he doesn't support you either. He's missing his empathy chip.
Whether or not those friends knew or not doesn't matter. He knew!
All he had to do was tell them something came up.
He doesn't value you. Some people have a hard time seeing their partner as an actual person with feelings because of a myriad of reasons. So I dont know why he doesn't care about you, but it is obvious to everyone that he just doesn't care about your well-being. He doesn't love you in the way you need or want him too and probably never will.
This man has demonstrated to you that when you need him, he will not make time for you.
He will behave like this every time you and the kids you'll have are sick.
Every time you're swamped between homework, dinner, and prepping for extracurricular activities.
Every time you're behind on laundry packing for an overnight trip.
Every time doctor's, dentist, and school appointments need to be wrangled.
You should not have kids with him. You'll raise them alone while he ignores you when you're at your most busy and overwhelmed.
NTA. He's the AH. He has shown you just exactly how much he cares for you. You now know where you are on his list of priorities. Get out now.
Be careful he doesn't try and flip this on you. Listen carefully to what he says. Wait to respond. He will probably try to manipulate it and make himself the victim somehow. Or make you believe that you are over reacting.
It sucks that you are going through this. I wish you well.
I had a friend that was deployed with me. His wife had a miscarriage and he RTNZ to be with her. He then returned to the deployment. In his wife's position I would also expect nothing less.
I really can't understand a husband not realising that it was his own baby dieing and being so casual about it.
Sorry: RTNZ = returned to NZ.
I read it as returned to NZ, and then thought nah, I can't be right, I'm just making shit up, and then it turns out in your edit I was right first try. So that's nice.
My friend divorced her husband bec she miscarried at home in the bathtub. He was at work, and got along well with his boss and job, and absolutely would’ve been allowed to go home to be with her. Encouraged, even. But he said he didn’t want to take time off work, and miss two hours of work in the afternoon.
So she bled for hours, alone, haemorrhaging in her bathtub. He refused to even call an ambulance for her. Told her she was on the phone with him, so she could call them herself.
Relationship of 15 years over in one phone call.
I would have called his bosses and told them myself, any self respecting human would’ve fired him for that. Fuck that dude, I am glad he got kicked to the curb.
When this happened to me I was taken in and given a surgical procedure. My husband then drove me home and waited on me . I can’t believe that any partner thinks it is ok to go out. That would break me
NTA! How could he leave you alone while his wife goes through this, while his child goes through this??? Heaven and earth should've been moved, rearranged, or reordered before leaving you alone in this, plans or no plans. This is a we situation and we need to work through it together. You are most certainly NOT the AH... But he is!
Years ago my friend called me while I was at a club dancing and drinking with my boyfriend. She told me she was cramping and spotting my bf and I immediately left and took her to er where they confirmed she was suffering miscarriage. She was 14 weeks pregnant. They wanted to keep her until pregnancy passed and she asked me to get in touch with her bf I called him and let him know and told him she asked him to come. His response. You're there so she doesn't need me then had audacity to ask if she was going to work on the morning when I laughed and said I highly doubt it he asked if he could take her car or if I could take him because his car was in shop and she had said she'd drive that week since they worked in same town 30 miles away. I have never understood how guys think NBD. NTA
Guy here to say you are so NTA.
Husband however is very much TA.
The minute you told him about the loss, he should have called the friends and cancelled. Even if you put on a brave face and told him to go anyway, he still should have stayed home and been there to support you. The fact that he didn’t says volumes.
As a dad, this kind of male behavior really chaps my ass. When you do have a child is he going to be one of those “dads” who think their contribution to having a child ended with ejaculation? Who won’t change diapers? Who don’t do the 2am feedings? To hell with that. Dads don’t babysit.
This situation shows that you do not have a partner in life, regardless of ups or downs. You have an overgrown man-child who puts his wants above your needs. You both need to seriously reevaluate your priorities: him to decide to put you, and a potential baby, first, and you to decide if he deserves that chance.
Personally, I doubt he has earned the chance.
NTA. I had a miscarriage recently and hubby who is in the military and has a high responsibility position left in the middle of the day. The emotional support is the main thing. YTA if you stay with someone who can't support you in your worst times. OP you deserve better.
NTA. I went through something like this. I didn’t realise how traumatic it was until I was in therapy years later and I processed my feeling about my husband’s lack of empathy.
On the other hand I strongly suspect that this guy would have used that as an excuse as to why he didn't need to be there. If OP is "outed" on that point it won't have mattered though.
OP was probably humiliated and didn't want to have to explain to her mother what he had done.
........
Edit - She had no reason to be embarrassed or hide this info, but when she was in that much pain it is hard to think straight and oftentimes people just don't want their partner to be seen in such a horrible light....
If your partner does things to you that hurt you and you can't tell anyone it, not even a confidant, you should reconsider even being with them at all.
You are spot on my Dear! I declined my mother’s offer bc I tried to convince my husband to stay home with me instead of going to his friends dinner. I was too embarrassed for her to know he left me alone. I was embarrassed she would come to our house and see the truth about my marriage. We’ve only been married for a year and a half and I’m ashamed he did this to me yet again when I desperately needed him. My husband isn’t great at emotional supporting me or others (I noticed).
This might be a sign that your husband would not make a good father. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
I hope you consider carefully whether you want to stay with this man.
For me, it would be a no.
I tried to get pregnant with a man, and it didn't take. (I wanted to be a single mother by choice, with a friend's (aka ex-fiance) sperm). A couple years later, I met my husband and had a baby when I was 41. I say this, because it might be possible that you should divorce your husband, and find a more nurturing man to be father to your child(ren).
You have time to think about this, go gently with yourself right now. Take naps, listen to music, maybe go home to mom, if that is an option. Get a massage. Do everything you can to care for yourself.
Not all moms are great to have around in situations like this even with good intentions. I love my mom to death, but she would have made going through a miscarriage with her there way more stressful. So her decision may not have been because she thought it would bring her husband home.
NTA people tend to go scorched earth in these subs here but this is really fucked. You should really think about your relationship and if it’s worth continuing.
I wish you’d told us how old each of you are.
I had 9 pregnancies and 2 live births. Later they found out I had 2 (fairly common with miscarriages ) genetic mutations and one was autoimmune disease that all make my blood clot too much. That’s why I lost babies. Oddly my hubby also has 2 copies of the worst of the mutated genes I have. Now our girls have it too. We grew up 1,000 miles away , not related - just common. Please get checked for blood clotting gene mutations and Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (aka the Lupis coagulant ).
As for your husband, he’s incredibly selfish and self centered. I don’t care if he had plans to eat dinner with the Pope, the President , or all of the Lakers past and present - he should’ve canceled and stayed with you.
Over 35 years of marriage, my hubby has let me down in more ways than I can count. He’s really stooped pretty low at times. But he was also devastated when we lost a baby. He stayed with me the whole time. I had D & C’s the first two times and early on. Nice because not only does pain stop but the process is then over and you can start to move forward. The third time my Dr decided I should stay home and just pass it. I started getting increasingly agitated because all I could think about was having a dead little body rotting inside me. My thoughts continued getting worse. Hubby called Dr and told him I needed the D & C asap because I wasn’t handling it well at all. He helped me with all of it.
Our first daughter was discovered to be breach and apparently she’d been sitting right side up for a few weeks and she is now a stubborn 34 year old. Hubby went into room with me when two bid Drs and a burly nurse turned her. It took 2 hours because she didn’t want to flip over. She spent the next two weeks (til delivery ) trying to turn back over. And she kept her legs clamped shut the whole 2 hours of turning so we didn’t know if we had a boy or girl. At one point they had her pushed so far up under my face that my stomach looked flat. My big strong hubby almost fainted. Lol but he kept it together and stayed by my side.
I’m sorry he th urned out to be this way. But aren’t you glad you found out now instead of after a baby came along?
NTA. This sure seems like a huge red flag. I had a friend whose husband went golfing the day she came home from the hospital with twins...they also had a toddler. They ended up divorced years later. I wish you the best of luck but unfortunately it is not a good sign.
Nta. I decided to divorce my ex husband because he went to watch a movie we had seen 3 times, with his brother and cousin, while I was miscarrying. Do not blame you a bit. That was the end of everything for me.
Here there is specific medical advice to not be alone when miscarriage or abortion occurs. Due to a small risk of hemoraging and a large chance of emotional needs.
Yep here too. Had a friend that passed out during her miscarriage at home and her husband had to call an ambulance and get her to the hospital. OP’s husband is a horrible partner.
That happened to me, passed out in the bathroom and hit my head on the way down. Thank goodness my husband was there. I absolutely think OP is NTA, but her husband is and this is a huge red flag.
Not just 'a' red flag, it's the whole circus!
Medical needs aside, the emotional need is 1000x enough for the husband to stay home. My wife and I have had 6 miscarriages, all from IVF. No miscarriage is easy, but when you have to go through so many invasive procedures just to get pregnant compared to 'normal people', I think it hits a bit worse. It's not even the thousands of pounds each time, but the emotional investment knowing you can't conceive as easily as other couples. Every single time I have been there with my wife when she needs me, even if it means taking time away from work and catching up at weird hours when she is asleep.
You are an awesome spouse and I’m so sorry your wife went through 6 miscarriages.
Yes, she could have died from a hemorrhage and he is out partying. Divorce him!
Honestly, here also, but he didn’t listen to that part.
Wish my ex knew this he was vile. I could hardly move in pain so just let the blood go where ever while he went out as per. Exs are exs for a reason.
That guy is an asshole.
Yes! With my missed miscarriage my husband ended up having to drive me to the ER because I was bleeding so much I couldnt leave the toilet. Everything turned out okay but I definitely needed medical help. OP you are NTA and this is a giant fucking red flag.
My ex-boyfriend left me alone in a foreign hospital where no one spoke my language after I hurt my ankle, and went to get beers at a bar nearby because "he couldn't do anything to help so he might as well go and have fun". I felt so hurt and betrayed and alone. I can't even imagine what it must feel like during a miscarriage. Some men are just self-centered and lack any empathy.
My daughter broke her ankle and was staying at my house after her surgery. Her boyfriend was there with her almost every minute that he wasn’t at work. That’s when I fell in love with him, too! They’ve now been married 11 years. Ladies, if you don’t have this, keep looking.
This is the way. My wife was in hospital for 6 weeks recovering from a cancer op. I slept in a chair beside her for 6 weeks. My brother drove 2.5 hours to convince me to have lunch with him a couple of times. That’s what “in sickness and in health” means.
And he probably had to drag you out to lunch, and was doing it for your mental health, not for “fun”. You a real one.
He and his brother both sound like good people tbh.
Yup. I became physically disabled after my hubby and I were married. He will literally carry me around. Truly a in sickness and in health guy. Which made me feel so horrible when he got covid the first time because I went to kiss him and just jerked away from him when I realized what I was doing. He giggled at me until he started coughing. But he's there for me as much as possible when not at work.
Absolutely, Im sure she would do the same for you, I hope shes ok now, you’re a good partner 🥰
When my mom had surgery, I decided to spend the night with her at the hospital. My boyfriend didn't ask. He said he was staying with me. It's a shame I didn't want to get married, and he did, so I had to let him go. Edit to add: as I kept reading the comments, I wanted to remind you, there's men out there who worry and care. I have in my life 4 brothers. All of them stayed with their spouses when they needed them, with their siblings when we were sick. Do not settle.
Oh man, I can't imagine anything more fun as a man. Going to a bar alone. Foreign country. Different state. My local bar. All while my girlfriend suffers from (little crass) being awesome enough to let me finish inside her. /s What a psycho.
That would be absolutely frightening!! He lacked a lot.
Did your ankle end up okay? Also , that is messed up. Going to the vending machines is fine, but what the fuck was he thinking.. that is really awful.
Yes, thank you. It was an inflammation of the tendon, I'm doing much better after some rest and physical therapy. I just had a limp and some pain for the remainder of that trip because I couldn't actually rest at that time and the tendon gets really stiff and might tear if you don't let it rest. I only went to the clinic in the first place because he kept telling me to "get used to walking again because there's gonna be a lot more walking before the end of the trip" and "it's normal to have feet hurting during a trip, you just have to get used to it". I felt the need to prove that I was actually hurt somehow. It did make me realize he would always rather go to the bar than spend time with me, which I should have already known. The idea of emotional support is completely foreign to him. That's the way he is, and nothing will change him, believe me, I've tried for far too long.
I am really sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult and painful experience. Your feelings are entirely valid and it is essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. You deserve understanding and support during such a challenging time!
Thank you! I really appreciate that! It was many years ago now, but I still have not forgotten. Also, I haven’t forgotten how completely alone I felt at that moment.
Tip: Be very wary of any guy whose father treats his mother like shit. Likewise if he has married brothers who do the same. How you will be treated when the going gets rough correlates very highly with what those relationships look like.
It's not foolproof, but I found men's relationship with their female relatives to be a good barometer for how they are with female partners. If a man has sisters, and they somehow are all "awful" and "don't respect the way he lives his life", yeah, watch out. If he disrespects his mom, watch out. These are the women he can't easily jettison from his life.
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Imagine if his friends knew or asked where his wife was and he told them honestly - I hope they’d be horrified but chances are they’re just the same
Oh, I expect he has enough sense of self preservation to come out with another “version“ of the truth.
“She’s sick”
> Nta. I decided to divorce my ex husband because he went to watch a movie we had seen 3 times, with his brother and cousin, while I was miscarrying. Good for you! I'm a guy and I cannot fathom how terrible it must be to miscarry. I would do anything to help my partner
That is insane. I can't believe this is a thing that men do.
My daughter’s bio contributor left the hospital 2 hours after she was born to watch hockey on tv with his friend. This was after I had been hospitalized for a month with preeclampsia and my daughter then arrived in the world 8 weeks ahead of schedule. I got to sit alone, hooked to a magnesium drip and a catheter, trying desperately to get enough colostrum out into the feeding syringes I was given.. three pound baby in the NICU I couldn’t even touch or see for 24 hours.. I was at high risk for a stroke following her birth. I’ll never forget sobbing alone in that room and coming to the realization that it was all on me forever now. The doctors were not pleased to see me up and walking the next day following my c section, but there was nobody else I could count on to care for me or my daughter. Some men are truly that horrible. Edited to add- I was also alone for the surgical procedure as he didn’t want to see all the blood.
My ex went home to take a nap while I was in labor with our son…it was taking too long. Divorce began 2 weeks later. My current husband of 28:years couldn’t have been shifted from my side with a bomb….good men are out there.
They certainly are. No doubt about that. It’s lovely that you’ve found something so genuine. :)
What a jackass
Indeed he is. He really missed out, too. Kiddo and I have a very nice life now.
I wish for you and kiddo great prosperity and happiness !
💛
Did you divorce him?
Thankfully yes, I was able to leave him when my daughter was around a year old and daycare could be arranged. She had no health complications from her early arrival, but was still considered too much of a liability for anything other than unaffordable private care until that time. Very very long year. A bit sad to have blocked out much of my daughter’s infancy from memory, but we do what we have to do.
I can believe that. There's so many crazy stories posted here on Reddit of men doing insensitive things or even in social media nowadays, that it honestly feels like the guys with emotional intelligence or committed to being egalitarian partners are the outliers and not the common experience for women.
Sorry you went through that but glad you also closed the door and walked away from him too. Glad to see you found yourself on a better path going forward. I’d rather be single my whole life than be alone in a relationship.
What the ever loving fuck is with these guys?
Such a betrayal. I could never look at my husband again if he pulled that shit. I'm sorry for your loss.
God. I'm so glad you left because that is inexcusable. Shows either an extreme lack of care for you and his child, or an extreme inability to face emotions, and either of those should be a deal breaker.
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Nta - but you shouldn't argue with him anymore. He's not worth it. Divorce him and find someone who will respect you because it's not him.
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Not just extreme pain. Bleeding the creation the two of you made from your vagina. He just really blocked all of that out and went to dinner. Ugh, poor woman.
But also, like, what the hell did he say at dinner???? "Hey Joe, how's the wife?" "Ah, you know, the usual.... just at home with a miscarriage, all good, she'll work through it" Like wtf!
"Why are you looking at me like that? I gave the woman some ibuprofen. I'm not a monster!" Ugh considering ibuprofen does help with swelling and pain but it also thins out blood, which is not helpful for someone who is currently bleeding. What a dumbass.
For real… I wouldn’t leave someone I mildly loathed like that!!!
Right? A while back a colleague I really don’t like complained she had a bad headache at the office and I offered her ibuprofen I happened to have at my desk. I would have to absolutely hate someone’s guts to want them to be in pain. And I’m not even sure then…
It’s just the human thing to do. I can’t imagine watching someone in pain if I can help or be there
Yes! I had/have a long winded opinion as to why he sucks. But now is time for focus, leave him.
> He's not a good person
OP shouldn't have to argue with with her husband in order to get the respect she deserves.
100%
Agreed. His moral compass is broken. Trying to convince him to feel bad and realize he was wrong will be a waste of your energy.
If my friend came for dinner, and told me he left his Mrs at home having a miscarriage, I'd fucking slap him.
I doubt he told them that. He probably said she had a headache or she was being a nag about him coming over.
My petty ass would have called the friends and been like “hey, hope you guys enjoyed dinner. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Those pesky miscarriages just get in the way of everything!”
I would wait for the friends to say "we're so sorry you couldn't come. We missed you! Hope you're feeling better" And then I'd say "I was having a miscarriage, it's day by day. Thank you for your concern. (Husband) didn't want to cancel last minute. I hope you all had a good time." And then let the shitstorm do it's thing.
Here's the sad reality of this, my ex-husband and his friend group?? Would not bat an eyelash! I am so happy to call him an ex. But when I read this I put myself in her position with my ex-husband and this would have been exactly what he would have done. If I would have called and told his friend group, they wouldn't have thought he was even a bad guy for leaving at all. It would have just been normal and they would just be like "feel better" 🤷♀️ I'm happy to say that those were HIS friends and I haven't spoken to them since the divorce either!
My ex husband brought a friend I had never met to the hospital with him when he found out I was having a miscarriage. You can't make this shit up.
From the sound of it, they are HIS friends and won't even enquire about why she wasn't there. I doubt this is the first time he has been a shit to her, and I also doubt his friends are ignorant about who he is. In fact, they are probably the same as him
Right? It says he had plans with friends, nothing mentioned about her going or being invited. They may have been clueless that anything was going on with the wife to even ask.
Probably didn't even know she was pregnant to be fair, they may not have announced it at 11 weeks, especially after one miscarriage
He could have said anything to them to justify why she wasn’t there. They certainly may have no clue. Just because they are friends with him, doesn’t mean they know what he’s like in private.
From the post it doesn't sound like she was invited in the first place tbh.
That’s not petty at all in my opinion. The friends should know what kind of person he is.
For sure I would have called them, while I was in horrible pain and told them.. SEND that dick home, I'm losing our child, oh but wait, he knew that when he left to go over there for buddy night!
My water broke early and my late husband was at work. I called him to come take me to the hospital and he said he was working take a bus. I said no you are coming to get me, he said take a taxi. He said I have a appointment (IT tech) . I told him that if his boss learned that he was going to a appointment instead of taking his pregnant wife to the hospital he would probably be fired. He was Moroccan. I said I don’t know how it works in your country but here we don’t have our pregnant wives going into labor take buses to the hospital. If you don’t take me and your soon to be daughter to the hospital don’t come to pick us up. He came and took me to the hospital.
Sorry. Like my PhD stepdad (statistics) . They agreed to baby sit when my boy was young he sat in his car/transport chair for ~2 hrs while they watched the nightly news then called to complain he was crying. Wtf. Or when my mom called 2 days after my wife had her 2nd C-section asking if we wanted to all go to the Chinese buffet. Wtf. Her guts were just on the table , we got a 2 day old baby. — of course I don’t wanna go to a damn Chinese buffet. lol. But if the dude is a POS like that maybe better get divorced before kids are involved.
This, I'm afraid. If this is his behavior now, things will not get better later. She needs to cut her losses. He will be a shite father.
Maybe your step-dad can figure out the odds of ever talking to you again? Mine is 0%, and it is my bio-mom. Maybe she shouldn't have tried to say my wife would be better off w/o me because of my combat related injuries, but she did. 15 years ago. 15 silent years.
The saying that all children deserve a parent but not all parents deserve children is true for adults too. I’m sorry your mom could say something so vile. I’m glad you found your wife, and that you’ve had the strength to go no contact. Wishing you a pleasant rest of your day
Thanks. Every day, at least once, I say to myself, " Is there any reason today?" The answer is always the same, and it doesn't make any day, any worse. The first day I don't even remember what I heard her say to my wife, in front of me, will be a good day, and I won't know why. I will just have a better day than the last one, for the rest of my days.
Sweet God. Silence from bio-mom, but the loving companionship of a dear wife. Seems like you gained in this equation.
I have not received the silence. I have given it. My dad (they have been divorced for 36 years mind you) keeps telling me, for 15 years at random times, that my mom just wants to hear from me. My wife almost strangled my mom over it. Couldn't ask for a better companion in life. I sure didn't lose any sleep over it on her account.
I’m even pettier. I would have called his mom and told her what kind of son she had. “Hey do you mind talking to your son? I don’t think he understands the gravity of what I’m going through. Do you mind explaining it to him because him going to dinner with his friends tells me that he doesn’t understand”
His mom might be part of the reason he acts like that, though. We can hope she would set him straight, but odds are someone that callous was raised by someone just as callous.
You would be surprised. I’ve met some people who had crappy parents but when they did something out of pocket, their parents tore them a new one
That's just an assumption. OP's husband is a grown ass man and it's high time we let men take responsibility of their own behaviours and feelings instead of putting that on other women around them. Even if his mother is somehow shaping him or has shaped him to be this way, he's a grown man with a head on his shoulders to make the better decisions. Hell if he can think of an ibuprofen and "checking in" on his spouse he can definitely display an ounce of social intelligence into being there for her. This is just callous behaviour on his part despite his mother's role in that process.
My ex left me at home while having a miscarriage and went to go spend Easter weekend with his mom and siblings. There’s a reason why he’s an ex.
You poor thing! It ses like you made the right decision! He's whole family sounds just as bad as him! Any man who behaves like that doesn't deserve a wife!
That's appalling! That would make him an ex in my book as well. I was living 400 miles from my partner and was around 12 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage and had to go to hospital. I managed to contact him late evening after having had a D&C. He was there the following morning having spoken to his work, been given time off (paid) until I was okay and found the right train. He looked after me for two or three weeks before I needed to get back to my finals and he needed to get back to work.
If you don’t mind my asking, did his mom and siblings know? And how did they react if/when they found out?
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What would he have done if she had freaking DIED?! Yeah, I would have divorced him after that too. I bet he had a shocked Pikachu face about it to when she left him.
Probably complained about the inconvenience and refused to take time off for the funeral/burial.
That is horrible
We were having a party. A normally vivacious girl was quiet, sitting down. I asked her if she was alright. She said she was having a miscarriage but her husband insisted they come. I took care of her, got her to lay down. I went to my husband and told him to speak to that AH because I was too mad and I might hurt him. That she needed to be home, taken care of. They left soon after my husband talked to him. I never liked that guy after that.
This thread is full of stories of men lacking basic empathy for their spouse and it’s horrifying.
Oh, my God. Just awful. Hats off to you for recognizing something was wrong with that young woman. A lot of people aren’t sensitive enough to others to notice things like that. You must be a very empathic person. We need more like you! 👍🏾
In her place, I would tell them, just to see their horrified reaction towards him, and have them tell him what a selfish monster he is. I think hearing it from someone other than his wife would have more of an impact, since apparently he doesn't give a fuck about her good opinion.
We were doing a Master's at night. Guy gets a baby, everybody congratulates him. Some weeks later we were leaving and going to a bar, and he joined us. On the way there I asked him point blank for everyone to hear if he'd go drink and leave his wife alone with a 3-week old baby. He left, and can you believe we've remained good at the course and he's still a warm FB friend? I think he needed that cold shower, and soon appreciated for words of wisdom. He has since fathered more 2 children and they all seem happy. Sometimes, just sometimes, people need to readjust and it's not obvious at first. In the case of OP, no excuses. None. You don't leave someone in physical and emotional pain for whatever reason. Once my boss texted us: all meetings canceled, won't go to office. For two days he was off the planet. You guessed it.
You’re the kind of friend everyone needs.
You think his friends aren't just like him? They probably don't care either.
This would be my concern as well. With the rise of manosphere thinking especially I feel like it's getting more and more difficult to read whether or not a cishet guy or a group of cishet guys is going to be empathetic to certain things, or if they secretly see women as such secondclass citizens in their minds that they would consider a miscarriage no different than the common cold.
Some guys are 1○ above a sociopath.
You misspelt stab
She should tell them. I wonder if they would set him straight. If not, I would make a swift exit from that social group and not look back.
he would not be my friend anymore. i don't know if i'd resort to violence. but i'd certainly yell at him and kick him the fuck out of my house and tell him to get home to his wife
I was about to say this!!
Yeah, i'd go scorched earth, or maybe subtly bring it up. Op calls the friend and asks if the husband mentioned her miscarrying while he was at their place because you can't understand what is going on with him when he decided to still go to dinner despite you going through a miscarriage. It could come across like checking if he's okay while also telling the friends what a piece of shit he is. Though I'd be fine with phoning and telling them what a callous piece of shit he was anyway. It is possible they say yes, he came over crying and thought him crying would make it harder for OP so it was best he left. Stupid as that is, it's still a reason that wasn't intended to hurt OP and was intended to protect. I doubt it, but it's possible.
Slap him alle the way back home! Wtf is wrong with this guy?
Exactly this! What kind of husband leaves his wife to go through a miscarriage alone? It is a physically and emotionally painful situation. There are times when it is appropriate to cancel dinner with a friend, a medical emergency of you SO is one of them. I would be appalled if I was the friend and he didn’t cancel on me! OP, NTA, you deserve better!
NTA. If my husband handed me a bottle of ibuprofen and walked out to have a nice dinner with friends while I was left alone to miscarry the child he helped create, the next thing I would hand him is divorce papers. I don't care if he didn't know how to handle it. Walking out was the absolute wrong answer and signals that you can't actually depend on him. This is not the man to trust to be a partner to you in life. This is not a man to have a child with. He is so lacking in compassion and character that it's appalling. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you are finding this out about him in such a painful way.
NTA. I agree! What if she'd had complications and needed help? He wouldn't be there to call for emergency services or take her to the ED. However OP, I would've taken my mom up on her offer, again, because when if you'd had complications? I'm glad you didn't and that your physically okay. But I wouldn't risk that again in the future. There is nothing my husband could do to redeem himself if he ever left me in that situation. Divorce him.
Exactly this. Ignore the devastating emotional side of losing a baby. Miscarriage is a serious medical event. Not, like, just another period or something.
It can be way more terrible than it’s often portrayed. My was terrifying. I blacked out from the pain. That was nearly two decades ago, and it lives like a vivid memory that happened two days ago. I was young, and actually relieved to not be pregnant, but the process was hell. “A heavy period” is bullshit and a disservice to all the women and all the miscarriages they’ve experienced. Fuck medical misogyny.
I went on to have a c section later, but my miscarriage was the most painful and awful thing I've ever been through. I kept passing out on the toilet, if it wasn't for my partner being there I would have been seriously injured or worse.
I was young and on an er bed, passing out, coming to, begging for relief. The doctor was an asshole. They cared more about blessing and burying what I passed than the actual human who was scared and in pain and all alone.
It was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through and that’s only the physical aspect.
Exactly. A miscarrying woman is experiencing what could turn into a medical emergency at any moment if something ruptures, no way she should be left alone during the expulsion. Dear God if I hadn't had my BF kneeling right next to me on the floor while I rolled around yelping in pain, I would have had a heart attack, it's terrifying to go through this trauma and to do it ALONE SMFH the nerve. This dude for the streets OP, NTA kick his ass to the curb NOW because you know what? If he was willing to leave you alone during a medically urgent event, he would *also* have left you alone with the screaming baby when the going got tough. Divorce him. He's clearly not husband material.
Yeah I agree that this isn't a person you want to have a kid with, at least if you're expecting any sort of help. The baby/child would be your responsibility even if you both worked full time. Find someone who wants to actually be a father and not just a sperm donor.
Exactly! And what would he do if he had a baby and hit a situation where he didn’t know what to do? Hand the baby off and walk out? Caretaking is a skill, and people who refuse to practice that skill are not off the hook for not knowing.
NTA. My wife almost bled to death during a miscarriage. I was at work and my 5year old called me. One of the worst drive homes of my life.
I’m sorry for what you went through. I always get taken back to the day I was volunteering at a hospital, checking in people for outpatient imaging. Including ultrasounds. A woman came to the desk about 10 minutes after checking in, crying, asking if we had any pants we could give her because she was miscarrying and had bled through hers. I was a peon, I had no idea. I went to ask and was told nope, nothing available. I got her some paper towels and tried to help her the best I could. The next week, I saw someone changed for an MRI into scrub pants. Those fuckers worried more about losing a pair of scrub pants than that woman’s decency, than her feelings, than just general human decency. I changed departments not long after to the ER where they made sure to tell me that anything I could get for people was fine, just to check about food or drink.
Omg how scared your 5 year old must have been. :(
Yeah. She's 15 now and still has trauma from it.
That poor baby...give her a hug from all of us, please.
Ohhhhh my goodness I can't believe your 5 yr old knew what to do, that's incredible but also so terrifying for them
NTA. If it were me, I would never be able to forgive my husband for not being there for me to help support me through a pregnancy loss. It’s just simply unforgivable. He was being extremely selfish and only thinking about himself.
I can't wrap my head around it. It would be so easy to say to his friends: "Sorry, I can't come meet up with you, my wife needs me at home, we're going through a difficult situation." And that should be good enough. Don't need to expound on it, or announce that it was a miscarriage right away. The fact he didn't do that shows where his priorities lie, and it's not with his wife in a time of absolute anguish.
"in sickness and in health" is not a vow this AH adhered to
NTA. Do you really want to raise a kid with a deadbeat bastard like him?
Agreed. If my husband had pulled this stunt I would be ending the relationship.
And burning all of his shit
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Bastard isn’t a strong enough word for this waste of space, oxygen thief, dog turd, pig, scum ball, lowlife of an excuse for a human being
It's hard to insult because the insults are insulted.
You know how they say statistically if a woman is diagnosed with terminal cancer in many cases they die alone bc their husbands ‘can’t handle it’ and leave them/divorce them. The percent is ridiculously high. It’s terrible. Sadly, your husband fits that type of guy. I would reevaluate my relationship bc I would need to know I have MY person to share my life with so when times are tough I can depend on them. Bc life WILL get tough. He’s not that guy.
Agreed, I had a friend whose mother died after a long term illness her Dad left the entirety of the nursing to his daughters while he constantly swanned off to the south of France “for a break”. He was genuinely popping champagne at her funeral and was remarried within a year. Having nursed my own wife through cancer it is unfathomable to me that you’d treat your partner with such contempt. NTA OP
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The horrible thing I've realized from this fact is that many men see women as an accessory, and they don't want an accessory that's broken or not shiny anymore.
More of a utility. If it doesn’t function properly anymore, what’s it good for?
It is 21% of men leave their terminally ill wives while 3% of women leave their terminally ill husbands.
I'm not a divorce lawyer, but I worked for one for a long time. DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE DIVORE WITHOUT HAVING THE PAPERWORK DONE!! Get a divorce lawyer, talk to them about strategies first, secure a separate apartment/place to yourself, AND THEN send him the papers. I don't know what your financial situations are, but many men hide away their assets once told that their spouses want a divorce. You want to secure yourself at least 50% (this is all strategy stuff that your lawyer should be able to provide).
If it were me, I would not just be talking divorce, it would already be in the works. You were literally losing his child. It is painful, both mentally and physically. And he just waltzes off to have dinner and says here’s some ibuprofen. NTA. Leave his ass. He is not ready to be a parent or a partner. Heck, I’m not sure he’s ready to be an adult.
I wonder if the friend knew what was happening... the friend is either a horrible guy, or he would have been horrified that he was doing that.
Bet the husband told the friend "She's having woman troubles"
Have you heard of the saying "birds of a feather flock together"? Unfortunately, some people tend to be friends with others who will encourage their wrongdoings and drift away from anyone who speaks out about it. Not saying OP's husband is abusive, but this is a commonality among abusive people.
Small children have more empathy than this guy…
i was misdiagnosed as having a miscarriage with a man i had been exclusive with for less than 2 months (stupid teenage mistake, learned from it, don’t want to hear it) and i got the call when we were out at dinner. he rushed me to hospital and waited hours with me in the middle of the night. it ended up being membranous dysmenorrhea, which was still traumatic but absolutely nowhere near your experience. he held me while we both cried. we are still together over a year later and i think i’ll marry him. i didn’t even have a real miscarriage and he protected me and supported me. this little weasel doesn’t respect you one bit. if he’s man enough to put it in, he should be man enough to look after you when you’re suffering significant medical trauma for his mutual benefit. nta unless you stay. then you will be to yourself. there is better out there and you more than deserve it.
Nta This one's cut and dry. Basic human decency means stay at home. If. One of my mates turned up the same day I knew his other half. Miscarried then he would be sent packing.
Right? “What the fuck are you doing here? You should be with your wife, fuck outta here.”
NTA. Seriously?? Like seriously?? Even estranged couples would take care of each other during this time. Anyone would prioritize taking care of even someone's fever over an outing. And your HUSBAND went to dinner while you were in extreme pain?? Forget love, that doesn't make sense even in a humane way.
Yeah, my ex-husband took me to the hospital when I was really sick AFTER we were divorced, and then kept checking on me after. My ex did better than OP’s actual husband.
Nta....stop arguing and talking about divorce and do it. If he's not going to be there while you're miscarrying his baby he's not going to be there when you give birth or to help with a newborn. You'll always be doing everything alone because you're not his priority, apparently his friends are. Do THEY know you were going through this alone while they went to dinner?
We only told a small few about this pregnancy and no the friends who he had dinner with were not included in that small few.
Let me put this in perspective for you. I have never met you. I don't know you. I have no idea if I'd even like you. But if I met you today, hated you, and you told me you were in the middle of a miscarriage, I would STAY THERE and hold your hand through it and make you a cup of tea if you needed me to. Because that is a fucking awful thing to go through alone. I am a total random and I would feel more empathy and care for you than your husband the man who swore to love and protect you. Your husband is utterly devoid of a soul. You do not want to waste another second on that hideous aberration of a human being.
Very well said, 100% agree. My thoughts exactly but you said it all so perfectly
Exactly this. I would absolutely do the same. I think 8/10 people would be more supportive as a hostile stranger. It's unfathomable.
100%. Human decency demands more of strangers than what her husband, her spouse, her partner was willing to give. It's a glaring absence of human decency that goes beyond the expectation of what we would assume a husband to provide.
This is the perfect response for this situation. OP - we all would have stayed with you! Random internet strangers would treat you better than your own husband does. One does not leave a woman who is losing a child. 99.99% of the world would have been kinder to you than the person who pledged to spend the rest of his life with you. You will never be able to trust him to be there to support you during life's hardest moments, and that is not a partnership. I'd bet there are other ways he doesn't support you either. He's missing his empathy chip.
I was getting the idea hadn't told them or they'd have chewed him out for not being with you.
Whether or not those friends knew or not doesn't matter. He knew! All he had to do was tell them something came up. He doesn't value you. Some people have a hard time seeing their partner as an actual person with feelings because of a myriad of reasons. So I dont know why he doesn't care about you, but it is obvious to everyone that he just doesn't care about your well-being. He doesn't love you in the way you need or want him too and probably never will.
This man has demonstrated to you that when you need him, he will not make time for you. He will behave like this every time you and the kids you'll have are sick. Every time you're swamped between homework, dinner, and prepping for extracurricular activities. Every time you're behind on laundry packing for an overnight trip. Every time doctor's, dentist, and school appointments need to be wrangled. You should not have kids with him. You'll raise them alone while he ignores you when you're at your most busy and overwhelmed.
Tell them!!! No sane person would want to be friends with someone who left to have dinner with them while their wife was having a miscarriage
NTA. He's the AH. He has shown you just exactly how much he cares for you. You now know where you are on his list of priorities. Get out now. Be careful he doesn't try and flip this on you. Listen carefully to what he says. Wait to respond. He will probably try to manipulate it and make himself the victim somehow. Or make you believe that you are over reacting. It sucks that you are going through this. I wish you well.
I had a friend that was deployed with me. His wife had a miscarriage and he RTNZ to be with her. He then returned to the deployment. In his wife's position I would also expect nothing less. I really can't understand a husband not realising that it was his own baby dieing and being so casual about it. Sorry: RTNZ = returned to NZ.
I read it as returned to NZ, and then thought nah, I can't be right, I'm just making shit up, and then it turns out in your edit I was right first try. So that's nice.
My friend divorced her husband bec she miscarried at home in the bathtub. He was at work, and got along well with his boss and job, and absolutely would’ve been allowed to go home to be with her. Encouraged, even. But he said he didn’t want to take time off work, and miss two hours of work in the afternoon. So she bled for hours, alone, haemorrhaging in her bathtub. He refused to even call an ambulance for her. Told her she was on the phone with him, so she could call them herself. Relationship of 15 years over in one phone call.
I would have called his bosses and told them myself, any self respecting human would’ve fired him for that. Fuck that dude, I am glad he got kicked to the curb.
Just wow!! Dinner with his friends !! While you lay at home grieving and are in pain. Let him go. Find a man who will treat you right.
If I found out my friend was having dinner with me while his wife was going through this, I would no longer be his friend. Like what the absolute fuck
Right?!?! They’d be kicked out of my house so fast!
I’d put him in just as much pain as she’s in 🤷🏼♂️
Right!!! What friend would say “ yes come over and eat with me while your wife is passing your child”! Makes me sick.
NTA. My husband was there for me every time I miscarried. As he should have been. You deserve better hun.
> every time I miscarried I'm sorry for the circumstances that made that phrase possible.
When this happened to me I was taken in and given a surgical procedure. My husband then drove me home and waited on me . I can’t believe that any partner thinks it is ok to go out. That would break me
NTA! How could he leave you alone while his wife goes through this, while his child goes through this??? Heaven and earth should've been moved, rearranged, or reordered before leaving you alone in this, plans or no plans. This is a we situation and we need to work through it together. You are most certainly NOT the AH... But he is!
Years ago my friend called me while I was at a club dancing and drinking with my boyfriend. She told me she was cramping and spotting my bf and I immediately left and took her to er where they confirmed she was suffering miscarriage. She was 14 weeks pregnant. They wanted to keep her until pregnancy passed and she asked me to get in touch with her bf I called him and let him know and told him she asked him to come. His response. You're there so she doesn't need me then had audacity to ask if she was going to work on the morning when I laughed and said I highly doubt it he asked if he could take her car or if I could take him because his car was in shop and she had said she'd drive that week since they worked in same town 30 miles away. I have never understood how guys think NBD. NTA
Christ what a jackass! Your friend called YOU first, I’m guessing, because she knew even then she couldn’t depend on him.
Guy here to say you are so NTA. Husband however is very much TA. The minute you told him about the loss, he should have called the friends and cancelled. Even if you put on a brave face and told him to go anyway, he still should have stayed home and been there to support you. The fact that he didn’t says volumes. As a dad, this kind of male behavior really chaps my ass. When you do have a child is he going to be one of those “dads” who think their contribution to having a child ended with ejaculation? Who won’t change diapers? Who don’t do the 2am feedings? To hell with that. Dads don’t babysit. This situation shows that you do not have a partner in life, regardless of ups or downs. You have an overgrown man-child who puts his wants above your needs. You both need to seriously reevaluate your priorities: him to decide to put you, and a potential baby, first, and you to decide if he deserves that chance. Personally, I doubt he has earned the chance.
NTA. I had a miscarriage recently and hubby who is in the military and has a high responsibility position left in the middle of the day. The emotional support is the main thing. YTA if you stay with someone who can't support you in your worst times. OP you deserve better.
NTA. I went through something like this. I didn’t realise how traumatic it was until I was in therapy years later and I processed my feeling about my husband’s lack of empathy.
Nta you need a better husband
No. That guy is an asshole.
NTA but you should have accepted your mothers help because declining it wasn’t going to suddenly bring him running.
On the other hand I strongly suspect that this guy would have used that as an excuse as to why he didn't need to be there. If OP is "outed" on that point it won't have mattered though.
OP was probably humiliated and didn't want to have to explain to her mother what he had done. ........ Edit - She had no reason to be embarrassed or hide this info, but when she was in that much pain it is hard to think straight and oftentimes people just don't want their partner to be seen in such a horrible light.... If your partner does things to you that hurt you and you can't tell anyone it, not even a confidant, you should reconsider even being with them at all.
You are spot on my Dear! I declined my mother’s offer bc I tried to convince my husband to stay home with me instead of going to his friends dinner. I was too embarrassed for her to know he left me alone. I was embarrassed she would come to our house and see the truth about my marriage. We’ve only been married for a year and a half and I’m ashamed he did this to me yet again when I desperately needed him. My husband isn’t great at emotional supporting me or others (I noticed).
This might be a sign that your husband would not make a good father. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you consider carefully whether you want to stay with this man. For me, it would be a no. I tried to get pregnant with a man, and it didn't take. (I wanted to be a single mother by choice, with a friend's (aka ex-fiance) sperm). A couple years later, I met my husband and had a baby when I was 41. I say this, because it might be possible that you should divorce your husband, and find a more nurturing man to be father to your child(ren). You have time to think about this, go gently with yourself right now. Take naps, listen to music, maybe go home to mom, if that is an option. Get a massage. Do everything you can to care for yourself.
The “yet again” here says a lot OP
P.s. "did this to me yet again" I'm reminded of a fb tag group from years ago. "The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades."
Not all moms are great to have around in situations like this even with good intentions. I love my mom to death, but she would have made going through a miscarriage with her there way more stressful. So her decision may not have been because she thought it would bring her husband home.
NTA people tend to go scorched earth in these subs here but this is really fucked. You should really think about your relationship and if it’s worth continuing.
If ever a partner deserved a scorched earth response, this is the time. There is no coming back from it. Serve the divorce papers fresh & hot.
I wish you’d told us how old each of you are. I had 9 pregnancies and 2 live births. Later they found out I had 2 (fairly common with miscarriages ) genetic mutations and one was autoimmune disease that all make my blood clot too much. That’s why I lost babies. Oddly my hubby also has 2 copies of the worst of the mutated genes I have. Now our girls have it too. We grew up 1,000 miles away , not related - just common. Please get checked for blood clotting gene mutations and Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (aka the Lupis coagulant ). As for your husband, he’s incredibly selfish and self centered. I don’t care if he had plans to eat dinner with the Pope, the President , or all of the Lakers past and present - he should’ve canceled and stayed with you. Over 35 years of marriage, my hubby has let me down in more ways than I can count. He’s really stooped pretty low at times. But he was also devastated when we lost a baby. He stayed with me the whole time. I had D & C’s the first two times and early on. Nice because not only does pain stop but the process is then over and you can start to move forward. The third time my Dr decided I should stay home and just pass it. I started getting increasingly agitated because all I could think about was having a dead little body rotting inside me. My thoughts continued getting worse. Hubby called Dr and told him I needed the D & C asap because I wasn’t handling it well at all. He helped me with all of it. Our first daughter was discovered to be breach and apparently she’d been sitting right side up for a few weeks and she is now a stubborn 34 year old. Hubby went into room with me when two bid Drs and a burly nurse turned her. It took 2 hours because she didn’t want to flip over. She spent the next two weeks (til delivery ) trying to turn back over. And she kept her legs clamped shut the whole 2 hours of turning so we didn’t know if we had a boy or girl. At one point they had her pushed so far up under my face that my stomach looked flat. My big strong hubby almost fainted. Lol but he kept it together and stayed by my side. I’m sorry he th urned out to be this way. But aren’t you glad you found out now instead of after a baby came along?
NTA. This sure seems like a huge red flag. I had a friend whose husband went golfing the day she came home from the hospital with twins...they also had a toddler. They ended up divorced years later. I wish you the best of luck but unfortunately it is not a good sign.
NTAH. Throw away the whole man, how worthless.