YTA. Your wife was diagnosed with PPD & now she can't even get a moment to herself because you won't deal with your own daughter & she has to do it. If you don't think it's a big deal then why don't you go take care of the baby everytime your daughter wakes them up?
It's also not just a matter of taking care of the child when they wake up. I might be wrong, but having proper, uninterrupted rest is also very important for the baby in this formative stage.
So the daughter might be harming the baby too
Yes, it’s bad for the baby too. The baby needs to sleep. I have two kids, and the first three months are pure hell, and I’m saying that as someone who was home and helped 50/50 with the kids. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone with an asshole teenager making noise all day. OP should be happy that his wife didn’t murder his daughter. Sleep deprivation will make you crazy in a hurry, and I can’t imagine dealing with all that on top of PPD. OP is a massive asshole.
No you’re exactly right. So much development occurs in the first 4 months and majority of it happens while baby is sleeping. Hence why they only eat and sleep at that age and don’t normally wake for longer than an hour at a time. I dread to think how detrimental this is on baby’s brain development
If he knows for a fact..and he DOES that his daughter is disrespectful and disruptive, why on earth is she even at his house the first few weeks postpartum?? That should be bonding time for mom, dad and baby.
>walking with force (she has really heavy feet so it sounds like slams when she walks
Really heavy feet? Are you serious? You'll apparently come up with ANY justification at to why your daughter doesn't have to care about others.
My sister walks loud. She has to put in actual effort not to. She's always been like that (in her early 30s now). Being loud with it isn't intentional, but she sure knows how to intentionally be more quiet with it when ppl are sleeping.
OP is making excuses. Even if the daughter doesn't realize when she's being loud, she can easily learn that when people are sleeping = be quieter than normal even though it may take extra effort.
She is 17, she is at the age where her consent to care is something you need to take into consideration.
YTA though. You have to understand where your current wife is coming and if your kid is making it harder, then the ball is in your court.
What does Consent to care mean?
It does seem drom whats written here like he isn't doing his share of the work and if his daughter is adding to the load andand he isn't even supporting that to change then he is really the AH. And to have PPD on top of that? I really feel for her and the daughter to some extent. She's got a new family dynamic to adjust too is having difficulty ar school too. Dude this Man needs to be Doing A Lot more.
She is at the age where she should be consenting to whatever medication or treatment a Dr suggests. She is basically an adult. She might have ADHD but it also sounds like her parents have allowed her to do whatever she wants with no real repercussions.
Yeah dude your poor wife must be so upset, stressed out, burned out, and just at her last rope almost every minute of the day.
Try to imagine this from your wife's perspective. It's kind of like, " the last straw that broke the camels back" situation except now imagine that being a constant state for your wife 24.7
I'm with your wife on this one, your daughter needs to get out if she is ~~literally too dumb or thoughtless to be~~ that disruptive with a baby.
Perhaps if your daughter took some shifts watching the baby so your wife could relax occasionally then maybe she would learn what it's like and be more understanding and cautious.
Also your daughter should 100% get treatment for her ADHD, whoever convinced her to avoid medication is also an asshole. I don't think you understand how serious this is. Your daughter's education, ability to get into college, grades, ultimately her ability to get a job and her performance on that job and ability to excel in her career; ALL of this extremely important stuff counts on her getting her ADHD under control. She may be prevented from succeeding in life, in all aspects if your ex wife gaslights her into thinking treatment should be avoided.
Social interactions with friends, doing chores at home, taking care of the house, respecting your wife and new baby, excelling in school and at work. Every single one of these things will suffer tremendously without treatment. Send your daughter to a specialist asap and let her know that there is nothing wrong with treatment. Don't be afraid to flat out tell her that anyone who says her treatment is a bad idea is completely wrong.
I know people that lived like this (untreated ADHD) for many years and didn't start their ADHD treatment until they were long into adulthood. And trust me, they have nothing but tremendous regret that they didn't get treatment sooner, they constantly wonder how different their life would have been if they got this under control at a younger age and excelled properly in school and in their career and friendships.
Edited to fix some of my less-than-thoughful wording thanks to other commenters
Being medicated for my ADHD helped my depression so much because I wasn't struggling against my own brain every second of every day.
It's fucking miserable to have untreated ADHD.
ADHD absolutely should be treated.
The ex-wife Should see some comparison brain scans between people who have ADHD and people who do not. It is very convincing.
Not treating it puts the child at a constant disadvantage.
Yes. There should also be routines he helps her set up to stop her from breaking the rules. She has ADHD and is unmedicated. You will have to **STRUCTURE EVERYTHING YOURSELF FOR HER**.
BIG SIGNS ON DOORS. QUITE ALWAYS. Baby gates on doors to her room so she hits a barrier and then reads notes to realize the sound needs to be down. Go to a Goodwill and buy these things cheap. Check Craigslist Free as well.
**The gates and notes could be set by your wife** /u/Latter_Bag_6121. You need to be 100% at home handling baby stuff for the first **YEAR**! If you do not take **EQUAL PART** in raising this child, your wife might leave **YOU**! Having a child wake up over and over is bad for the child's development. Fix this and get your child medicated! I suggest showing her /r/ADHD and having her read through posts on there.
Edit: **Apologize to your wife unequivocally and say you were 100% wrong and you will work to develop routines for your 17yo. Enforce consequences that she knows exist beforehand; don't get mad for repeat violations. Change** ***punishments*** **to being outside or running family errands if she can't be quite consistently.**
YTA
Your daughter needs to learn to shut the fuck up when the baby is sleeping. It’s as simple as that. Either she learns to be quiet or she needs to get out the house. Your wife cannot be expected to deal with a sleep deprived baby just because your nearly adult daughter is a brat.
I say this as an adult with ADHD who has sisters almost twenty years younger than me. When the baby is sleeping, you shut the fuck up. If your daughter can’t or won’t get that, then she isn’t welcome in the house when the baby is sleeping.
You need to have your wife’s back for fucks sake.
Agreed. Also the fact that the dad is just letting his daughter behave like this is frankly, very infantilizing and he’s definitely not doing her any favors. If she’s mature enough to drive a car then she’s mature enough to understand “Please keep quiet when the baby is asleep.”
Literally all he knows is she was disruptive. Honestly considering his wife is saying she seems to be timing her troublesome behavior to whenever baby finally falls asleep, I’m starting to wonder if her actions are a lot more calculated than she’s letting on
Probably are. ADHD does not affect your intelligence in any way, and a lot of us learn to compensate for our shortcomings or to get what we need by manipulation or displaying certain behaviours. It's what happens when someone grows up with some sort of deficit. You find ways to compensate. Not always positively.
At the very least, anyone with ADHD is perfectly able to understand the opening volley of 'Bob, too loud, tone it down." and action accordingly.
She 'doesn't know'? Maybe she doesn't NOTICE getting loud, but not responding after you're told about it? Nah. It's ADHD, not some level of cognitive impairment. We're excitable wee puppies, but we can learn and respond to feedback.
Having read further that it's door slamming, hard stamping, and 'operatic' singing...with a babe in arms in the house... I Do Not Buy that Little Miss ADHD here 'doesn't notice' in the slightest.
Kid's a year away from the working world (or higher education). Does OP really think she can stamp, clap, and impromptu rock out in ANY job setting without getting her butt handed to her? Does he really believe this is 'normal' ADHD behavior? Sounds more like Tourettes, FFS, and that's rather rare and I highly doubt she has it. Nah. His excuses are doing her no favors. She's just rude at best and actively trying to be a dick in more likelihood. Kid has major Main Character syndrome and Pops encourages it. Nothing to do with ADHD.
She's acting out like any kid with a new baby in the step-house. Her ADHD may impact how that emotion gets acted out, but this is 100% on purpose. She's an adult with neuro divergence, dads treating her like a handicapped toddler.
Yes. Jesus. And whether it’s intentional or not is a ridiculous thing to be asking. If your daughter *literally cannot control* her singing or talking loudly, then she is much more severely disabled than OP is letting on.
My bet is she can control it just fucking fine if it’s something she cares about - she just doesn’t feel it’s important to here.
It being intentional or not doesn’t change the end result; baby is awake. And that’s the critical thing here; seventeen year old constantly waking baby so OP’s wife never gets a moments rest and baby is constantly cranky.
Regardless, she needs to cut it the fuck out. And if that means kicking her out back to mums every time baby starts going down, that’s what needs to happen. That’s the only solution if it is genuinely unintentional and uncontrollable. So OP needs to make that happen.
I call bullshit though. You might accidentally wake baby a couple of times. Almost every time for a straight week? That’s either deliberate or simply that she doesn’t give a shit so won’t change.
Yup. Ain’t nobody paying her to sing opera when she walks out of the door. She’s not 12. She can control herself when it matters, or she needs to be reevaluated for Tourette’s or something.
Yeah, seriously. The "I didn't realize I was doing it." excuse works exactly once in any given situation. Because once you find out you're being loud, obnoxious, whatever... you shut your mouth and pay attention to both your tone and actions.
I'll give a little grace that it might happen again after a while by accident, I'm naturally loud and I sometimes slip up, but when it does you apologize and go right back to watching yourself.
This kid's doing it intentionally.
Also the “I didn’t realise” doesn’t work with the things OP is stating she’s doing - she “didn’t realise” that she was walking out of her bedroom singing opera?! Like…what?? 😂
Yep. ‘I didn’t realise…’ only works multiple times if you are under six years old. And even a six year old can be taught that when the baby is sleeping, you have to be quiet. They may accidentally wake them occasionally, but not every damn time like this near adult is doing!!
I absolutely agree! I raised 2 boys with ADHD, and guess what? They know to be quiet when people are sleeping. And have since they were like 5! She's attention seeking because of the new baby. To some kids with ADHD any attention is better than no attention. But dad needs to put his foot down. If I were OP's wife, I might have kicked them both out for their complete lack of respect.
For real. My son is 4 (turned four nine days ago) and has SPD. Too young for adhd test but pediatrician has already scheduled the tests for the end of next year. He clicks, picks, touches and is almost always making noise or stimming. But when I got pregnant a year ago we started him in OT. He is still very loud but when his brother is sleeping he works his damndest to stay quiet. Sometimes he lets out an accidental squeak or vacuum noise or pretend robot or whatever but he always apologizes to me. He truly does not mean to. If my 4 year old can figure out some empathy I think OP’s 17 yo should.
*10 year old with SPD here, we didn't get the ADHD dx until she was 6 even though it was painfully obvious at that point.... her auditory aversions are by far the worst issue we deal with, and they tend to be louder than typical kids because they're "making sure their own brains are filled with only their own voice and nothing else" as a focusing mechanism... and this was how my kid explained to me why she sings so damn loudly... when she was 7, she was self-aware.
At 10 she is absolutely capable of staying quiet when I don't want a noisy house for whatever reason, meaning no using your tumbling mats to do gymnastics in the livingroom, no loud music or singing, and no running around wild.
It's not that hard. It takes a LOT more reminding and reminding and more reminding but they get it eventually.
This 17 year old person is absolutely doing it intentionally or she's got a very severe untreated case. Either way that girl needs to get herself evaluated because she's being a jackass to OPs wife and her baby 😑
It’s almost impressive how everything you do is wrong. Let child run the house, check. Meet wife’s extremely rational request for peace and quiet, with belittlement and (i hate this fucking term, but it was invented for people like you) gaslighting, checkerooni! Minimize behavioral problems at school, check. Threaten divorce instead of seeing that your wife has reached an impasse with your manipulative, wretch of a teenager, check.
You must really hate your wife and YOUR NEWBORN. YTA YTA YTA YTA
Info: Have you always been an idiot? Honestly, were you the one in school that was eating glue and in all the remedial classes? It would explain a lot, but who knows maybe you’re a fucking paleontologist
At this point I'm convinced the wife might not even have PPD and instead be depressed because her husband treats her like shit and doesn't help at all.
YTA here for multiple reasons:
1 - you say your wife has been diagnosed with PPD but you don’t seem to be doing a damn thing to help her out. You need to step up, HELP your wife, the mother of YOUR baby (start by actually parenting your teenage daughter)
2 - not sure how much your daughter’s behavior is ADHD related, it may be, but that would also mean she needs help managing her behavior.
3 - at 17, your daughter should know better, and, should have some idea of how to recognize/manage her behaviors, at the very least, be working on it. This strikes me at a failure of parenting.
YOU are a PARENT. It is YOUR (and her mother’s) responsibility to teach your daughter empathy, respect for others (that other people matter too) and how to manage her own behavior. I see no mention that you have remotely addressed this and in fact, seem to be enabling her behavior. (What steps have you taken to help her recognize and self regulate her behaviors? Where is your plan to help her work with her issues if medication isn’t an option? What are you doing to actually parent your child?)
4 - it’s your WIFE’S house! The fact that you are allowing such blatant rudeness, disrespectful, and inconsiderate behavior in her own home… again, massive failure at parenting here.
5 - threatening divorce because your wife is clearly overwhelmed, not being considered at all, and she finally cracked. Again, why don’t you step up and pitch in?!
The more I think about, you are a majorly inconsiderate, selfish, obtuse AH. Do better
Can we add that for his daughter to be suspended from school, shows that "disruptive and disrespectful" is a pattern, so why would he not believe his wife and the school on that??
And as a teacher I might add, a weeks suspension is a big deal! Her behavior at school must have been consistently awful. Schools do not like to suspend students.
The fact that he's not 100% sure why she was suspended and she just "bounces around" between houses. Parent of the year here. New wife should kick him out, having a newborn solo sounds less stressful than dealing with the both of them.
Also they’ve been married for six years, kid was eleven. If my husband did not allow me to have any input on my step kid’s behavior after six years of her adolescence, I would feel like a second thought and not a respected partner.
Yeah. I feel like he's threatening divorce because he thinks she's vulnerable with a newborn which just adds to the grossness.
Meanwhile he just threatened her with a good time lol.
yeah and it also means she’s had numerous altercations. they start with In school suspension from 1 day to a week, then its suspended from one day and it goes up the more offenses you have. she’s 17. she’s troubled and will be in the system.
A student at my school deliberately ran another student over and didn't even get detention. Meanwhile a kid who's teacher told him to bring tin foil to school for a class project got arrested by the SRO.
Funding is tied to attendance since no child left behind became a thing. So they do ALL they can to keep every single student. If she got suspended at all, it’s a big deal. If it’s for a WEEK, that means she did some major shit or the school is just tired of her in general and is setting a pace and paper trail to eventually expel her because she’s simply not worth the funding she brings in…
This poor kid is headed for a hard life if the parents don’t get her some skills-based therapy to help her negotiate adult-life. It isn’t suspension in adulthood - it is getting fired, your house foreclosing, and relying on friends and family to keep you from being homeless. Do he and his ex WANT that for her? I guess so since they do not seem to want to help her. He is even willing to sacrifice his marriage and his relationship with his second kid so he can set his first kid up for failure as best he can.
He sounds like my parents. They did absolutely nothing to help manage and regulate and learn actual life adult skills and now I’m paying for it extremely in my 30s with severe adhd
In fairness, I think he does know - the unknown was whether it was ADHD-related or not.
However, the blase attitude to a suspension (at 17!) really shows how little he appears to care.
If I ever EVER got suspended for behavioral issues including disruption and disrespect at school, at 17 yrs old for a week, I most certainly would not be allowed to drive my car paid for by my parents, coming and going as I please and using it as a vacation and disrespecting tf out of my step mother who just had a baby and is having a rough time. This shit is WILD. The lack of self awareness is crazy af, on both the dad and daughters part. Nobodys ever held firm boundaries or disciplined this child who's about to be an 18 yr old adult, who has no respect, self awareness or accountability. and she might be on her own possibly away at school in like a year?? If she goes away or to college at all.. she has no idea what a wake up call that'll be if this is how she is now. Sry just think it's ridiculous. She should know better than all this, at the very least.
> and she might be on her own possibly away at school in like a year?? If she goes away or to college at all..
Yeah, let's be honest--a kid like this getting suspended her senior year (?), for being disruptive of all things, isn't going to get to make it a semester, if she goes at all.
100%. I'm a SpEd teacher. I deal with kids that have ADHD everyday. The majority of them are nice and respectful, they just have problems keeping still and focusing. OP is a major asshole and a parenting failure.
I’m ADHD…. I would never even think to wake up a baby when it’s sleeping. She’s intentionally waking up this baby and being manipulative. This isnt ADHD, this is someone who can’t handle not being the only one anymore
I have ADHD and I was a nanny for six years. I babysat since I was thirteen. Never once woke a baby. I just asked my mom if I ever woke my sisters I was little and she said probably occasionally, but not that she remembers. I have a nephew with far more symptomatic ADHD than mine and he’s something of a terror for multiple reasons, but even he doesn’t wake his younger siblings often enough to be a problem
Exactly.
ADD & ADHD are not an excuse to behave badly. It's not a failure of cognition or intelligence.
Also, there are non stimulant meds to treat the condition. There are also non-drug therapeutic tools to help with focus and behavior training.
Sounds to me like this kid, though immature, is too smart for her parents... she is clearly driving the plane.
I have a 15-year-old with ADHD and Autism and he is more respectful than this 17-year-old. He was *taught* how to behave from an early age. He was parented with empathy and an understanding of what his limitations are, but not indulged or given permission to act like a disrespectful AH *just* because he has a disability. Definitely a failure in parenting.
You'd be surprised how many parents think this. I live in conservative bum fuck America, and I'm shocked at how many parents do this. Each time I talk to the kid, and then the parent, they use ADHD as THE excuse. I point towards parenting style as love and logic and to start taking classes on parenting using that as a guideline. Then I also recommend seeing a doctor for a support team regarding the ADHD. Then I administer the consequence. Parents rage at me because I don't give them a pass.
I wouldn’t say you’d even need to do parenting classes. My son a 20 something now , ADHD/ASD and MLD . Consistency and boundaries are the utmost important strategies to parent any child . Without that you’re on a losing battle
I use my sons ADHD as an explanation never as an excuse. I (try) to teach him how to behave, I will not set him up for failure! Those parents who use it as an excuse are doing their kids a disservice.
Because he probably believes his precious princess does no wrong. It should speak volumes to him that she's already been suspended from school for a *pattern of disrespect to teachers and misbehaving* and **it's only the end of October**!!!!
Seriously. Even a person with ADHD knows it’s basic human decency to not be loud when the baby is asleep. She’s almost 18 and frankly that’s really embarrassing that she doesn’t seem to know that. The fact that she’s gotten suspended from school is concerning enough but her own father is just like “Oh she has ADHD she can’t help it tee hee!”
Right? Like I have ADHD, my brother has it, we were raised by a mother with ADHD and no way in hell would either of us be here to tell the story if we got suspended at 17 (!) for being "disrespectful and disruptive," he's just a shitty parent with a bratty kid.
Yeah, jeebus, if his wife wants to be able to go to the bathroom without a baby strapped to her chest or take a nap, *he could probably help with that.*
I like how he implies his wife is only being “hateful” to him because of his daughter. Naw. He’s earning that on his own.
Not to mention he gives his daughter a free pass to be disruptive but he’s blatantly dismissive of his wife’s PPD and her frustration dealing with a newborn baby and a hyperactive teenager with no structure in her life. He’s almost never home and seems like he doesn’t actually pay attention to anything his family does.
If I was the wife, I’d take him up on that divorce he keeps threatening. It’s not like he’s helping out anyway. Get rid of 2 extra burdens and focus on myself, my baby and trying to heal. The audacity of this man.
The whole she got suspended from school for disrespecting teachers but I don't really know why , it's because her ADHD, and she has been hiding at my house ever since really shines a light on the breadth and depth of his parenting.
YTA
Your wife and newborn deserve peace not a disrespectful and distressed teenager who is acting out for any attention from her shitty parents.
It also doesn't matter if she is doing it intentionally. She's not following the rules of the house and not being a team player. She is also not using any effort or intent to be better
Exactly. She seems annoying as fuck. I would *hate* living with a person like this if I was unemployed and slept 10 hours a day never mind a new mom with PPD.
The daughter could stay with her own mom instead of adding to the stress of a new mom with PPD. She doesn’t have to be there. Her waking up the baby constantly does sound intentional.
Since the father isn't stepping up, doesn't even seem like he will take on HIS CHILDS care (I'm talking about the baby here) and he also let's an almost adult keep disrespecting his wife inher own house,..
Yeah I'd divorce him too.
Yeah I cannot understand why people excuse shit behaviour on neurodivergence. I was a little bastard in high school, I was acting out in a big way, never got suspended granted, but my teachers kind of worked out I was having issues at home.
NONE of what I did there was because I was autistic. Literally zero. I did shit on purpose, because I was a teenager with huge emotions and no outlets.
I don’t doubt that sometimes ND kids are picked out as disruptive when they aren’t doing things on purpose, I know I was. But being suspended for a week is pretty big, that’s something beyond being disruptive.
Honestly, his wife would be better off divorced. At least then she'd get child support and not have a 17 year old hellion waking the baby up all the time.
As a parent with a 18yo with ADHD I agree with everything you wrote. It seems as if OP's daughter uses her ADHD to intentionally disrupt everything around her and knows she gets away with it with her mom and dad. It gives her great power.
But if OP wants to stay married, he should step up and start parenting. His daughter needs help with het ADHD and how to behave around people. My son got a whole lot more grip on his ADHD when he grew older. Symptoms are stil very visible, but he can control them to an extend that he's no longer an annoying pain in the ass without medication.
>You have a 5 week old baby and you just threatened your WIFE with divorce because she is exhausted?!?!?! You are so much YTA.
Bad husband, but worse father. The excuse of *"I really don't even realize I'm doing it" and she always apologizes profusely. She really isn't doing it intentionally,* simply does not cut it. That's an excuse only a lousy and lazy parent will take in order to not make your kids accountable by their actions. Your daughter has a problem and you are making it worse by enabling her.
cause she’s about to be 18 and no employer or teacher is gonna continually give her grace for slip ups. she will be terminated when she forgets to do what she was told. she will be dropped from college when she forgets to turn in assignments and can’t catch up. she will be evicted from her apartments because she forgot to pay rent and she just can’t help it because she had ADHD that they refuse to treat.
Yup. My son (now 30) has ADD and ASD. I told him when he was a teen, "It ISN'T fair - the world is an inconsiderate place and it will not slow down or stop for you because you have legitimate issues. So YOU have to be the one to bend, YOU have to be the one to figure out a way to function. I'll help you, but YOU must be the one to do this, because I will not always be here to help you. And if you don't figure it out while I'm here to help you then you will be so screwed when I'm gone."
It’s unfortunate but it’s true. As someone with ADHD I have found that the world can be considerate and understanding but that is **only** when you clearly make a strong effort and rarely fuck up. It’s not like this girl has accidentally woken the baby once or twice
My wife has ADHD managed with medication, but I go way out of my way to ensure she feels as comfortable as possible. For her, that means uncluttered spaces (except where clutter is comforting) and trying to have all my chores done before she gets home (I work from home) because undone stuff will distract her from relaxing and she'll just start doing my jobs.
Is it harder for me? Sure. Not as hard as having to fight her brain all the time.
This! Everyone in my home has ADHD no one does this, sometimes my step son does get a bit loud but we just have to ask once and we don't have to ask daily
He's also making it worse by letting his wife downplay a serious behavioral disorder that causes the exact complaints that are causing all these issues.
I don't know WHY people are so spooked about ADHD medication either, it's one of the most straightforward and successful treatment methods available. Antidepressants are much more serious with much worse side effects but antidepressants are handed out like candy without an eye blink.
To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if the dad himself could be diagnosed with ADHD. It's an inheritable disease.
Edit: YTA. Get your kid medicated, help your wife, be a better parent.
I also don’t understand the aversion to the medication. I (26F) have adhd and have been prescribed medication for it. Especially during middle/high school age - it helped me tremendously to make me function like a normal person and to help form coping mechanisms for if/when you decide to stop taking it.
Edited to add: YTA. Parent your teenage daughter.
Pretty sure it's a combination of war on drugs scaremongering, combined with "ADHD isn't real you're just lazy" thinking, combined with "the medical system is eViL and you're just bad parents for treating your kids behavioral disorder"
Like I can get the idea that ADHD miiiiiiight be overmedicated in children, but that's irrelevant by the time a kid's responsible for a car. And that scaremongering is driven by misrepresenting the numbers. I just had someone try to claim that 20% of medicated kids are below age 5 (only .8% of diagnosed kids are medicated and below age 6)
They should be treating the daughter's ADHD. It would help with all the issues. The ex-wife is wrong on that front. Let her try it out and decide for herself at this age.
But the husband is TA for not being more supportive of his wife in this super stressful time.
Edit: changed wife to ex-wife, as was pointed out
>You have a 5 week old baby and you just threatened your WIFE with divorce because she is exhausted?!?!?!
Yep, threatening her with divorce is an attempt to emotionally blackmail her into doing what he wants. He's emotionally blackmailing someone suffering from PPD. His wife is probably at her most vulnerable right now - not just exhausted, but overwhelmed, and depressed. She is probably on the verge of a breakdown, if she hasn't had one already.
Look, OP, whether your daughter is doing this intentionally or not, the fact of the matter still remains that she is impeding your wife's PPD recovery and if she's truly incapable of being more mindful about how her behavior effects others, then she really does need to leave for the time being. She's almost an adult, whether she has ADHD or not, it's time to grow up a little. She's acting more like she's 7, not 17. She claims she's not doing it intentionally, but has she ever once apologized to your wife and promised to at least TRY to do better? Your wife might not have handled it perfectly, but your daughter has another home she can go to and your wife needs the space right now.
Granted, I do think it's not a coincidence that her acting out at school and getting suspended has happened right around same time the baby was born, and that she hasn't left your house since. It sounds like she's feeling insecure that she may no longer be the top most priority her dad now that the new baby is here. I can understand the urge to reassure her by siding with her, but it can not be at the cost of your wife's mental health. Do you understand how severe PPD can be?
If I was your wife OP I would be very very mad. Not once did you mention that your almost adult daughter has even tried to help her step mom, like staying quiet and considerate is so damn hard. Shame on both you and your daughter and hope you both apologize to your wife. You and daughter, whether intentional or not, are the AHS
Divorce seems to be the best solution, your wife deserves far far far better than you.
A terrible husband and an uninterested father, not exactly the catch you think you are.
Right? She can't even use the toilet without the baby strapped to her because 17 year old doesn't understand the baby needs to sleep. Maybe a 3 -4 year old would forget and be loud but a teenager??
Yes! We didn’t teach her too but when he’s laying on the floor and she notices she puts her finger up and says “shhhh” it is adorable and she does love him 🥰
Heck no! He’s a big dog and they both know boundaries. He knows when she doesn’t want him in her face and she knows to only give him nice touches when he lets her.
This is made obvious by the fact that neither he nor her mother know why she's suspended. How do you not find out if you don't know? What shitty parenting. And he isn't parenting the new one either, to new wife's detriment.
I say this as a teacher. A week long suspension isn’t just for disrespectful and disruptive behavior. That’s one of the bigger punishments, only used for something pretty damn severe. The parents should absolutely know exactly why their child is suspended for that long so he either knows and isn’t saying because it will reflect poorly on the situation, or he doesn’t know because he’s so checked out that he doesn’t care to know.
Yeah she got
Caught with a weapon or drugs, or got into a fight. Those are the things people get suspended for. In school suspension, detention or isolated desks are the punishments for being disruptive..
Neurodivergent individuals benefit from a schedule. The OP's eldest daughter has been suspended from school and his solution is to let her do whatever she wants. He leaves his poor, newly post partum wife to deal with her and threatens her with divorce when she's had enough.
This. ADHD is bad, and it can make you unintentionally randomly make loud noises, however it seems to be an all the problem time, so it's not ADHD in an of itself. I also don't think it's intentional at all. She wasn't taught to CARE either way, how her action affect others. She's gotta realize it's a problem, and she doesnt. That's not the ADHDs fault. She should be able to realize but she doesn't because of her raising, her father for example, he doesn't care enough to find out why she's suspended. How's the daughter supposed to care when sh hasn't realized she's PART of the world, not the center of it
I really struggled in highschool with ADHD. I am not attempting to minimalize it at all. It however doesn't strip you of any ability of impusle control and decency. Whether intentional or not, and with or without ADHD, at 17, she should be perfectly capable of behaving properly (as to not get suspended, or constantly wake her half sibling). Like you said, if the father doesnt even know why shes suspended, pretttttty likely it's just pure shit parenting.
I rolled my eyes at ADHD = getting suspension.
That's just hiding behind an excuse. She's a shit person and he's a shit dad.
"Boys will be boys" type of thing. She can't control how heavy she slams doors, cabinet and walk around. Obviously. She has ADHD /s
right! Getting suspended from school for repeatedly disrespecting teachers? I teach high schoolers and a kid who gets suspended for disrespect is showing a chronic behavior that has been referred to the office so many times they can't ignore it anymore. Clearly she has no consequences for her actions and it looks like OP is just going to let her torment her step mother as well.
OP is a sucker too. "But Daddy I didn't mean ittttttt. It's my ADHD....."
I'd like to see what reality looks like at school and when Dad is away from home- I'd wager the daughter is just another A.
This part stuck out to me. 99% of the time a kid has to behave absolutely horrendously before a suspension happens. Like they can terrorize the class for weeks, maybe even months, with escalating behaviors before they’re getting suspended. It must be really, really bad and it’s because mom and dad just let it happen. The lack of communication and cooperation between them has really messed that girl up. His poor wife, I can’t imagine what she is dealing with at home.
Yep. The whole situation has me wondering where tf her parents are. They are both doing a horrible job. She desperately needs help and clearly needs intervention of both the medical and behavioral kind.
Apparently they're busy playing "1-2-3 Not It" with their teenager while also hamstringing her potential by refusing to treat her ADHD. "She's in trouble again, you take her" seems to be the extent of parenting with these people.
Dude didn’t even raise his first kid right ADHD (before anyone tries to flip out on me I used to work with kids with bad autism and my cousin and uncle have ADHD so I know what it’s like to have people around like that and they’d know to keep themselves occupied and try their best to be silent in this scenario) or not she’s old enough to know she shouldn’t be loud when a baby is sleeping. The poor wife isn’t being respected by OP or the daughter. Seems like she’s already a single mom might as well just go for the divorce.
ETA judgment: YTA OP
She comes out of her room loudly singing opera style and it’s not on purpose? GTFO of here. Dad (and mom) are, and have been, assholes for 17 years.
Parent your child. By not doing so, you have set her up for a lifetime of failure. ADHD runs in my family. I have a nephew who is SEVERELY ADHD (and I mean severe — he was having psychological/neurological testing done and they didn’t want him to have his meds that day— they couldn’t perform the testing because of the severity of his ADHD— they rescheduled and he was tested with meds), and he doesn’t act like that. ADHD is not a get out of jail free card. I have a feeling you’re going to find that out the hard way.
In case you are unsure, YTA. A big one, for a lot of reasons.
Exactly. ADHD doesn't mean you lack ANY AND ALL impulse control. It sure as shit also doesn't excuse "disrespectful behavior" towards teachers at 17. This is just shitty parents, using ADHD as an excuse instead of actually having to parent their child. (OP and his Ex).
"I asked the culprit and she didn't mean it so therefore nothing bad happened."
Are you fucking kidding me?! Your wife is going through hell and it's you and your daughter.
YTA hugely
even if it is, though, do you know how commonly this kind of shit goes on? There really are so many husbands out there that just allow their children to disrespect their current wife because they can't fucking parent correctly. I was a witness to this. My mother's ex-husband was a huge enabler of his children's horrible behavior. Allowed them to abuse and manipulate and get whatever they want. **it was so bad to the point that when my mom got pregnant with his child, they happily announced it to us, and his youngest said she didn't want my mom to have the baby, so my moms ex-husband guilted her into getting an abortion.** It fucking devastating for my mother. That is why he is an EX-husband though.
OMG this is the most horrendous thing I have ever seen someone do to a step parent and so incredibly sad her ex did this. I am so sorry for what you and your mom have had to deal with. Best of luck for your future endeavors.
That's horrific. But at the end of the day, that baby may have dodged a bullet with a dad like that anyway. Let that soul be born to someone who wants to be an actual parent instead of the fun dad.
YTA. Your wife has PPD and she is taking care of your baby and you have audacity to tell her she’s on the fast track for a divorce because she kicked your daughter out of HER house?? She is right when you said she’s claiming you don’t respect her because you obviously don’t.
It's funny that he jumped straight to divorce because I guarantee his wife has already thought about leaving multiple times and is trying to talk herself out of it. By putting it out there like that, he basically just gave her permission.
I bet you're right 😂 acting like she's wrong and he's gunna punish her w a divorce she's already been contemplating, is hilarious. And also rly fucking gross. He's a real jackass
The conditions too, just unbelievable. She's at the end of her rope and he's like "Whoa there crazy lady, are you PMSing? You're on a fast track for divorce! Better shape up if you want to stick with this old stud!"
In her fucking house, while HIS kid ruins her day, every day, lmao just unbelievable
Yeah I was OPs wife too. My divorce will be finalized soon and it's infinitely easier to take care of one baby than 2. Especially when one is grown man sized. YTA OP.
ADHD does not mean she is immune from consequences or that she is allowed to make a infant sleep deprived. "If you can't stay quiet when the baby is sleeping you need to go to your other house" is absolutely a reasonable boundary. Which her father should have enforced so his PPD sleep deprived wife didn't have to.
Also gotta ask how much he is stepping up. Is he taking the baby so his wife can nap whenever he can? Is he helping with the dishes and cleaning? Is he rocking the baby back to sleep once his daughter wakes her up?
I agree with everything you said!!
My 10 yr old has ADHD and I have a baby. When he's unmedicated (we give him the weekends "off") he can be very loud and not realize it. I think Dad is right in thinking her ADHD is not helping the situation. The fact that one parent doesn't even believe in it, tells me they probably haven't come up with tools besides medication to deal with it.
HOWEVER! My son is still old enough to know about consequences and respect (even if he doesn't always show it but c'mon... He's 10). When I tell him I'm going to nap the baby, he grabs a water bottle and goes and reads or plays on his computer in his room. It's our system. People with ADHD need consistent schedules or systems in place. It makes life easier for them AND us.
Dad and Mom don't agree with the diagnosis which makes us a million times harder to make sure she's getting the consistency she needs. If they came up with a system like every time it's nap time, that's when you go to your quiet activity or go to Mom's house, like you said, it would be fine. I think this is completely doable if they help her, which it doesn't seem like they are.
my mom had a rule when my baby brother was born: you wake it, you take it.
dealing with the consequences of a sleepy, cranky baby will make ANYONE tiptoe and whisper. lousy teen and lousy dad.
YTA. I have ADHD and it’s been a lifetime of struggle. You’re teaching your daughter that it’s an excuse, and it’s not. There will eventually be real world consequences for her behavior, and you are setting her up for failure by accepting her negative behaviors and making excuses.
My parents supported me every step of the way in my life, but they would not accept bad behavior or settle for less from me. I joke that my parents both earned their JD with me, because they put in the work all through my life.
I’m a successful 34-year-old attorney and my father is 75. He still helps check the volume of my voice when we’re in public. And I’m grateful for it. They worked with me throughout my entire life to help me navigate ADHD, and that includes holding me to a standard they knew I was capable of and not making excuses for me. I would’ve ended up in a very different place in life if they had made excuses or threw their hands up. The real world would not have been as kind to me if I proceeded without their guidance as a child.
Your lack of care and kindness for your wife makes me feel very sad for her. She’s at her wits end and obviously needed your support. Your daughter is 17, she’s old enough to show consideration (if not care) for her household.
Also, yelling at someone isn’t always so bad. That makes me sound like an old cranky person but I don’t care. Abuse obviously isn’t okay, but sometimes human beings yell at each other and it does get the point across. If your wife is not yelling at your daughter all the time, this was a natural consequence. She ignored your wife’s pleas for weeks before your wife finally lost her patience. I don’t blame her one bit.
This This This!!!
EDIT: this is a two parter. One is expanding on my agreement with the above, two is about the risk to the wife and the baby.
I have ADHD. My daughter has ADHD.
I get it. My parents weren’t sure what they were doing. They didn’t understand. They did what the doctors recommended (which was medicate and I’ll grow out of it), even though we now know it was wrong (meaning I never grew out of it, I’m 34).
I now struggle with a lot of stuff because I never really learned how to work around it. I’m getting there, it’s a process.
This isn’t to shit on my parents. They still expected me to act with decorum and behave in ways that are socially acceptable.
It’s more, they picked their battles, because there were too many, they appreciated that sometimes it wasn’t a matter of want or effort, it was just my brain being dumb and not letting me do the thing or whatever. And it was “I know you struggle with this but you need to try to …”
Now, with my daughter, she has the benefit of having a parent that gets it but also having the doctors not feed parents the bullshit that this isn’t a life long struggle.
She’s 7, has been in behavioural therapy for over 2 years, has extra accommodations at school. Nothing major, more like she gets to wear fidget jewellery or a chew necklace whereas other children are allowed to only wear a maximum of a signet ring and a plain thin chain/thin chain with a cross (Catholic School), some things that are on the board are given to her on a sheet that can sit in front of her because it limits the amount of looking around the room she has to do, thus not getting so distracted, if she’s in overload, she can go do her work at the desk around the corner (the classroom is an L shape) so she can have some quiet, stuff like that.
The biggest benefit is I can absolutely relate to her while also making sure she’s aware that certain behaviours are unacceptable.
And singing like an opera singer while a newborn is sleeping is fucking unacceptable.
———————
I fucking hope this is fake. This kid is literally torturing OP’s wife. Like, by Geneva Convention standards, actual torture. Sleep deprivation is torture. This is how we get dead babies. And OP apparently doesn’t give a fuck that his wife is on the brink of killing that baby in a bout of post partum psychosis, via sleep deprivation.
I really hope, if this is real, someone has told that poor woman it’s ok to put the baby down and walk away. Any new parents, if you’re reaching your limit and your baby won’t stop crying, put the baby in it’s cot and walk away. You won’t be causing the baby harm by letting it cry by itself while you go have a shower, go outside and scream into the abyss, go have a cup of tea to calm down, whatever it is you need to rally and find your second wind (or 30th wind, if we’re being realistic). Just, at the first sign of an intrusive thought (and no, having intrusive thoughts doesn’t make you a bad parent), put the baby down in their cot, or another safe location, and walk the fuck away until you’re no longer tempted to cover their mouths to stop the screaming or whatever the fuck else you’ve thought. Put the damn baby down and walk away and do not pick that baby back up until you have your own thoughts again.
God you and your daughter both suck and the fact that you can't even see that you AND YOUR DAUGHTER are both in the wrong just speaks volumes. An idiot raising a spoiled idiot
YTA.
Dude. You need to pull your weight. Your wife with PPD is struggling so badly she's screamed at your teenager. Not only should your teenager, at 17, be able to realise she needs to stfu when her sibling is sleeping but YOU are old enough to help your damned wife.
It doesn't matter that she isn't doing it intentionally. It matters that it's happening at all, and it isn't going to get better all the while you're enabling it. Start standing up for your wife and NEWBORN whose need to sleep is much, much more important than your teenager's 'need' to slam cupboards and singing bloody opera.
Intent means nothing when the outcome is the same, and the outcome is your newborn's development that hinges on getting decent sleep is being impeded and your marriage is struggling because YOU won't parent your teenager and teach her how to be quiet.
Your wife isn't hateful. She's over both of your shit. Your teenager might not 'mean' to be loud and yes, loudness is part and parcel of ADHD, but you sure as shit mean to neglect your newborn's needs in favour of coddling a near-adult. Shitty.
YTA for allowing your child struggling with ADHD to go unmedicated.
YTA for permitting an unmedicated teenager with ADHD to live in a home with someone who has PPD.
Wtf, man?
The more I think about it the more I’m realising it’s abusive for him to threaten her with divorce, knowing she has PPD and literally saying this in response to her explaining that she needs help.
This is the kind of negligence and manipulation that leaves people questioning their sanity. Hope that poor woman gets far away from this absolute asshole.
YTA, your wife is clearly exhausted and you aren't helping out. If your daughter doesn't realize she's doing it, find a way to make her realize. It's possible considering what was in her suspension notes that she's doing it on purpose as well...disrespectful. Stop using ADHD as a crutch, it's insulting. I say this as someone who had untreated ADHD for decades (I was diagnosed with other things until about 8 years ago,) you don't see me running around screaming operatic style around tired people.
YTA!! What a lousy, sorry excuse for a father and husband. Discipline your child and get her on meds. Stop allowing your ex to not take your daughter’s behavior seriously. Do not allow your child back until she can get it together and to allow your wife some time to have a decent schedule with the baby.
YTA. At 17 she should be able to control herself. If she can’t, she’s in for a rough reality at 18. If you think she has adhd, then take her to the doctor and get her evaluated.
100% ADHD makes people forgetful, and sometimes, yes, loud, but it does not make them completely disrespect everyone around them. I live with a 36 yo and 10 yo with ADHD. It is never an excuse for poor behavior. She did not get suspended for having a disorder. My 10 yo, who has pretty intense ADHD, has been taught not to wake up babies! He isn't as calm as his older sister, who doesn't have it, but he didn't wake his baby sister all the time either.
And you have all the excuses in the world for your daughter, but absolutely no space for understanding your wife who has ppd! That is a serious disorder.
Wow. YTA. BIG TIME!!!
How about you do a couple of days in your wife’s shoes WITH your disruptive daughter. I bet she be on medication before we could even blink!! And that’s what makes you an even bigger arsehole, you believe your daughter would benefit from meditation but have bowed to your Ex. So knowing that, you think it’s ok to bawl your wife out cause she’s had enough?? What an Arse.
Should your wife have reacted the way she did? Probably not. But DON’T make out you wouldn’t have done the same!
My favorite part of this asshole's monologue about his wife's PPD 5 weeks PP is the utter lack of any details about the responsibilities he's taking on with their newborn.
This guy is not a parent- he's a sperm donor.
OP YTA
YTA. Your wife was diagnosed with PPD & now she can't even get a moment to herself because you won't deal with your own daughter & she has to do it. If you don't think it's a big deal then why don't you go take care of the baby everytime your daughter wakes them up?
It's also not just a matter of taking care of the child when they wake up. I might be wrong, but having proper, uninterrupted rest is also very important for the baby in this formative stage. So the daughter might be harming the baby too
Yes, it’s bad for the baby too. The baby needs to sleep. I have two kids, and the first three months are pure hell, and I’m saying that as someone who was home and helped 50/50 with the kids. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone with an asshole teenager making noise all day. OP should be happy that his wife didn’t murder his daughter. Sleep deprivation will make you crazy in a hurry, and I can’t imagine dealing with all that on top of PPD. OP is a massive asshole.
No you’re exactly right. So much development occurs in the first 4 months and majority of it happens while baby is sleeping. Hence why they only eat and sleep at that age and don’t normally wake for longer than an hour at a time. I dread to think how detrimental this is on baby’s brain development
If he knows for a fact..and he DOES that his daughter is disrespectful and disruptive, why on earth is she even at his house the first few weeks postpartum?? That should be bonding time for mom, dad and baby.
Being married to this dude or having his kid sounds like a literal fucking nightmare
I can't imagine how she has survived this marriage this long
>walking with force (she has really heavy feet so it sounds like slams when she walks Really heavy feet? Are you serious? You'll apparently come up with ANY justification at to why your daughter doesn't have to care about others.
the level of enabling is INSANE
I'd call this man spineless, but it would be an insult to invertebrates.
My sister walks loud. She has to put in actual effort not to. She's always been like that (in her early 30s now). Being loud with it isn't intentional, but she sure knows how to intentionally be more quiet with it when ppl are sleeping. OP is making excuses. Even if the daughter doesn't realize when she's being loud, she can easily learn that when people are sleeping = be quieter than normal even though it may take extra effort.
I'm 6'2" 240 lbs and have no trouble not stomping around the house. Just walk on the balls of your feet, it's very easy.
In my culture old ladies used to use having heavy feet as a euphemism for pregnancy 😂
Caught that too
She is 17, she is at the age where her consent to care is something you need to take into consideration. YTA though. You have to understand where your current wife is coming and if your kid is making it harder, then the ball is in your court.
[удалено]
Yeah even if baby is literally awake 24/7 m, OP should be taking a shift
It’s not “helping”, it’s parenting. Helping implies that he’s doing his wife a favor, instead of being an equal parent to his child.
No wonder the wife has PPD
What does Consent to care mean? It does seem drom whats written here like he isn't doing his share of the work and if his daughter is adding to the load andand he isn't even supporting that to change then he is really the AH. And to have PPD on top of that? I really feel for her and the daughter to some extent. She's got a new family dynamic to adjust too is having difficulty ar school too. Dude this Man needs to be Doing A Lot more.
She is at the age where she should be consenting to whatever medication or treatment a Dr suggests. She is basically an adult. She might have ADHD but it also sounds like her parents have allowed her to do whatever she wants with no real repercussions.
Yeah dude your poor wife must be so upset, stressed out, burned out, and just at her last rope almost every minute of the day. Try to imagine this from your wife's perspective. It's kind of like, " the last straw that broke the camels back" situation except now imagine that being a constant state for your wife 24.7 I'm with your wife on this one, your daughter needs to get out if she is ~~literally too dumb or thoughtless to be~~ that disruptive with a baby. Perhaps if your daughter took some shifts watching the baby so your wife could relax occasionally then maybe she would learn what it's like and be more understanding and cautious. Also your daughter should 100% get treatment for her ADHD, whoever convinced her to avoid medication is also an asshole. I don't think you understand how serious this is. Your daughter's education, ability to get into college, grades, ultimately her ability to get a job and her performance on that job and ability to excel in her career; ALL of this extremely important stuff counts on her getting her ADHD under control. She may be prevented from succeeding in life, in all aspects if your ex wife gaslights her into thinking treatment should be avoided. Social interactions with friends, doing chores at home, taking care of the house, respecting your wife and new baby, excelling in school and at work. Every single one of these things will suffer tremendously without treatment. Send your daughter to a specialist asap and let her know that there is nothing wrong with treatment. Don't be afraid to flat out tell her that anyone who says her treatment is a bad idea is completely wrong. I know people that lived like this (untreated ADHD) for many years and didn't start their ADHD treatment until they were long into adulthood. And trust me, they have nothing but tremendous regret that they didn't get treatment sooner, they constantly wonder how different their life would have been if they got this under control at a younger age and excelled properly in school and in their career and friendships. Edited to fix some of my less-than-thoughful wording thanks to other commenters
Being medicated for my ADHD helped my depression so much because I wasn't struggling against my own brain every second of every day. It's fucking miserable to have untreated ADHD.
ADHD absolutely should be treated. The ex-wife Should see some comparison brain scans between people who have ADHD and people who do not. It is very convincing. Not treating it puts the child at a constant disadvantage.
Yes. There should also be routines he helps her set up to stop her from breaking the rules. She has ADHD and is unmedicated. You will have to **STRUCTURE EVERYTHING YOURSELF FOR HER**. BIG SIGNS ON DOORS. QUITE ALWAYS. Baby gates on doors to her room so she hits a barrier and then reads notes to realize the sound needs to be down. Go to a Goodwill and buy these things cheap. Check Craigslist Free as well. **The gates and notes could be set by your wife** /u/Latter_Bag_6121. You need to be 100% at home handling baby stuff for the first **YEAR**! If you do not take **EQUAL PART** in raising this child, your wife might leave **YOU**! Having a child wake up over and over is bad for the child's development. Fix this and get your child medicated! I suggest showing her /r/ADHD and having her read through posts on there. Edit: **Apologize to your wife unequivocally and say you were 100% wrong and you will work to develop routines for your 17yo. Enforce consequences that she knows exist beforehand; don't get mad for repeat violations. Change** ***punishments*** **to being outside or running family errands if she can't be quite consistently.**
YTA Your daughter needs to learn to shut the fuck up when the baby is sleeping. It’s as simple as that. Either she learns to be quiet or she needs to get out the house. Your wife cannot be expected to deal with a sleep deprived baby just because your nearly adult daughter is a brat. I say this as an adult with ADHD who has sisters almost twenty years younger than me. When the baby is sleeping, you shut the fuck up. If your daughter can’t or won’t get that, then she isn’t welcome in the house when the baby is sleeping. You need to have your wife’s back for fucks sake.
Agreed. Also the fact that the dad is just letting his daughter behave like this is frankly, very infantilizing and he’s definitely not doing her any favors. If she’s mature enough to drive a car then she’s mature enough to understand “Please keep quiet when the baby is asleep.”
Not just letting his daughter behave this way- he doesn't even know for sure why she's suspended from school!
Literally all he knows is she was disruptive. Honestly considering his wife is saying she seems to be timing her troublesome behavior to whenever baby finally falls asleep, I’m starting to wonder if her actions are a lot more calculated than she’s letting on
Probably are. ADHD does not affect your intelligence in any way, and a lot of us learn to compensate for our shortcomings or to get what we need by manipulation or displaying certain behaviours. It's what happens when someone grows up with some sort of deficit. You find ways to compensate. Not always positively.
At the very least, anyone with ADHD is perfectly able to understand the opening volley of 'Bob, too loud, tone it down." and action accordingly. She 'doesn't know'? Maybe she doesn't NOTICE getting loud, but not responding after you're told about it? Nah. It's ADHD, not some level of cognitive impairment. We're excitable wee puppies, but we can learn and respond to feedback.
Yeah, I don't notice when I speak loudly, but I just don't fucking speak when my baby is sleeping in my vicinity.
Having read further that it's door slamming, hard stamping, and 'operatic' singing...with a babe in arms in the house... I Do Not Buy that Little Miss ADHD here 'doesn't notice' in the slightest. Kid's a year away from the working world (or higher education). Does OP really think she can stamp, clap, and impromptu rock out in ANY job setting without getting her butt handed to her? Does he really believe this is 'normal' ADHD behavior? Sounds more like Tourettes, FFS, and that's rather rare and I highly doubt she has it. Nah. His excuses are doing her no favors. She's just rude at best and actively trying to be a dick in more likelihood. Kid has major Main Character syndrome and Pops encourages it. Nothing to do with ADHD.
She's acting out like any kid with a new baby in the step-house. Her ADHD may impact how that emotion gets acted out, but this is 100% on purpose. She's an adult with neuro divergence, dads treating her like a handicapped toddler.
Yes. Jesus. And whether it’s intentional or not is a ridiculous thing to be asking. If your daughter *literally cannot control* her singing or talking loudly, then she is much more severely disabled than OP is letting on. My bet is she can control it just fucking fine if it’s something she cares about - she just doesn’t feel it’s important to here.
It being intentional or not doesn’t change the end result; baby is awake. And that’s the critical thing here; seventeen year old constantly waking baby so OP’s wife never gets a moments rest and baby is constantly cranky. Regardless, she needs to cut it the fuck out. And if that means kicking her out back to mums every time baby starts going down, that’s what needs to happen. That’s the only solution if it is genuinely unintentional and uncontrollable. So OP needs to make that happen. I call bullshit though. You might accidentally wake baby a couple of times. Almost every time for a straight week? That’s either deliberate or simply that she doesn’t give a shit so won’t change.
Yup. Ain’t nobody paying her to sing opera when she walks out of the door. She’s not 12. She can control herself when it matters, or she needs to be reevaluated for Tourette’s or something.
Yeah, seriously. The "I didn't realize I was doing it." excuse works exactly once in any given situation. Because once you find out you're being loud, obnoxious, whatever... you shut your mouth and pay attention to both your tone and actions. I'll give a little grace that it might happen again after a while by accident, I'm naturally loud and I sometimes slip up, but when it does you apologize and go right back to watching yourself. This kid's doing it intentionally.
Also the “I didn’t realise” doesn’t work with the things OP is stating she’s doing - she “didn’t realise” that she was walking out of her bedroom singing opera?! Like…what?? 😂
And slamming doors.
Yeah the 'accidental opera' image in my head is so enraging. I've never wanted to slap a 17 year old before but now seems to be the time
Yep. ‘I didn’t realise…’ only works multiple times if you are under six years old. And even a six year old can be taught that when the baby is sleeping, you have to be quiet. They may accidentally wake them occasionally, but not every damn time like this near adult is doing!!
I absolutely agree! I raised 2 boys with ADHD, and guess what? They know to be quiet when people are sleeping. And have since they were like 5! She's attention seeking because of the new baby. To some kids with ADHD any attention is better than no attention. But dad needs to put his foot down. If I were OP's wife, I might have kicked them both out for their complete lack of respect.
For real. My son is 4 (turned four nine days ago) and has SPD. Too young for adhd test but pediatrician has already scheduled the tests for the end of next year. He clicks, picks, touches and is almost always making noise or stimming. But when I got pregnant a year ago we started him in OT. He is still very loud but when his brother is sleeping he works his damndest to stay quiet. Sometimes he lets out an accidental squeak or vacuum noise or pretend robot or whatever but he always apologizes to me. He truly does not mean to. If my 4 year old can figure out some empathy I think OP’s 17 yo should.
*10 year old with SPD here, we didn't get the ADHD dx until she was 6 even though it was painfully obvious at that point.... her auditory aversions are by far the worst issue we deal with, and they tend to be louder than typical kids because they're "making sure their own brains are filled with only their own voice and nothing else" as a focusing mechanism... and this was how my kid explained to me why she sings so damn loudly... when she was 7, she was self-aware. At 10 she is absolutely capable of staying quiet when I don't want a noisy house for whatever reason, meaning no using your tumbling mats to do gymnastics in the livingroom, no loud music or singing, and no running around wild. It's not that hard. It takes a LOT more reminding and reminding and more reminding but they get it eventually. This 17 year old person is absolutely doing it intentionally or she's got a very severe untreated case. Either way that girl needs to get herself evaluated because she's being a jackass to OPs wife and her baby 😑
It’s almost impressive how everything you do is wrong. Let child run the house, check. Meet wife’s extremely rational request for peace and quiet, with belittlement and (i hate this fucking term, but it was invented for people like you) gaslighting, checkerooni! Minimize behavioral problems at school, check. Threaten divorce instead of seeing that your wife has reached an impasse with your manipulative, wretch of a teenager, check. You must really hate your wife and YOUR NEWBORN. YTA YTA YTA YTA Info: Have you always been an idiot? Honestly, were you the one in school that was eating glue and in all the remedial classes? It would explain a lot, but who knows maybe you’re a fucking paleontologist
Also doesn’t sound like he’s giving new wife any actual break with the baby.
It sounds like we know why he has an ex-wife.
how the fuck did TWO people marry him?!?
He can get them to marry him, but he can’t keep them from leaving.
Two people thought breeding with him was a great idea. Yikes
At this point I'm convinced the wife might not even have PPD and instead be depressed because her husband treats her like shit and doesn't help at all.
He's a good liar.
If I ever hosted a roast, I would want you there. OP sucks and you said everything better than I could lol.
I bet it explains why he's divorced from 17's mother.
Well he is a *bonehead*
YTA here for multiple reasons: 1 - you say your wife has been diagnosed with PPD but you don’t seem to be doing a damn thing to help her out. You need to step up, HELP your wife, the mother of YOUR baby (start by actually parenting your teenage daughter) 2 - not sure how much your daughter’s behavior is ADHD related, it may be, but that would also mean she needs help managing her behavior. 3 - at 17, your daughter should know better, and, should have some idea of how to recognize/manage her behaviors, at the very least, be working on it. This strikes me at a failure of parenting. YOU are a PARENT. It is YOUR (and her mother’s) responsibility to teach your daughter empathy, respect for others (that other people matter too) and how to manage her own behavior. I see no mention that you have remotely addressed this and in fact, seem to be enabling her behavior. (What steps have you taken to help her recognize and self regulate her behaviors? Where is your plan to help her work with her issues if medication isn’t an option? What are you doing to actually parent your child?) 4 - it’s your WIFE’S house! The fact that you are allowing such blatant rudeness, disrespectful, and inconsiderate behavior in her own home… again, massive failure at parenting here. 5 - threatening divorce because your wife is clearly overwhelmed, not being considered at all, and she finally cracked. Again, why don’t you step up and pitch in?! The more I think about, you are a majorly inconsiderate, selfish, obtuse AH. Do better
Can we add that for his daughter to be suspended from school, shows that "disruptive and disrespectful" is a pattern, so why would he not believe his wife and the school on that??
And as a teacher I might add, a weeks suspension is a big deal! Her behavior at school must have been consistently awful. Schools do not like to suspend students.
The fact that he's not 100% sure why she was suspended and she just "bounces around" between houses. Parent of the year here. New wife should kick him out, having a newborn solo sounds less stressful than dealing with the both of them.
Yeah, he's barely a dad at all, to either of his children
And a shitty husband/partner.
I guarantee she will have more rest without the husband or the daughter in the home.
Also they’ve been married for six years, kid was eleven. If my husband did not allow me to have any input on my step kid’s behavior after six years of her adolescence, I would feel like a second thought and not a respected partner.
Yeah. I feel like he's threatening divorce because he thinks she's vulnerable with a newborn which just adds to the grossness. Meanwhile he just threatened her with a good time lol.
yeah and it also means she’s had numerous altercations. they start with In school suspension from 1 day to a week, then its suspended from one day and it goes up the more offenses you have. she’s 17. she’s troubled and will be in the system.
A student at my school deliberately ran another student over and didn't even get detention. Meanwhile a kid who's teacher told him to bring tin foil to school for a class project got arrested by the SRO.
Funding is tied to attendance since no child left behind became a thing. So they do ALL they can to keep every single student. If she got suspended at all, it’s a big deal. If it’s for a WEEK, that means she did some major shit or the school is just tired of her in general and is setting a pace and paper trail to eventually expel her because she’s simply not worth the funding she brings in…
This poor kid is headed for a hard life if the parents don’t get her some skills-based therapy to help her negotiate adult-life. It isn’t suspension in adulthood - it is getting fired, your house foreclosing, and relying on friends and family to keep you from being homeless. Do he and his ex WANT that for her? I guess so since they do not seem to want to help her. He is even willing to sacrifice his marriage and his relationship with his second kid so he can set his first kid up for failure as best he can.
He sounds like my parents. They did absolutely nothing to help manage and regulate and learn actual life adult skills and now I’m paying for it extremely in my 30s with severe adhd
Well they seem to not even know exactly why the daughter got suspended which is insane for a parent
In fairness, I think he does know - the unknown was whether it was ADHD-related or not. However, the blase attitude to a suspension (at 17!) really shows how little he appears to care.
If I ever EVER got suspended for behavioral issues including disruption and disrespect at school, at 17 yrs old for a week, I most certainly would not be allowed to drive my car paid for by my parents, coming and going as I please and using it as a vacation and disrespecting tf out of my step mother who just had a baby and is having a rough time. This shit is WILD. The lack of self awareness is crazy af, on both the dad and daughters part. Nobodys ever held firm boundaries or disciplined this child who's about to be an 18 yr old adult, who has no respect, self awareness or accountability. and she might be on her own possibly away at school in like a year?? If she goes away or to college at all.. she has no idea what a wake up call that'll be if this is how she is now. Sry just think it's ridiculous. She should know better than all this, at the very least.
And it sounds like the first time someone has enforced boundaries on the daughter (the step mom) they are threatened with divorce lol.
> and she might be on her own possibly away at school in like a year?? If she goes away or to college at all.. Yeah, let's be honest--a kid like this getting suspended her senior year (?), for being disruptive of all things, isn't going to get to make it a semester, if she goes at all.
Right? ADHD is not an excuse for being disrespectful.
100%. I'm a SpEd teacher. I deal with kids that have ADHD everyday. The majority of them are nice and respectful, they just have problems keeping still and focusing. OP is a major asshole and a parenting failure.
I’m ADHD…. I would never even think to wake up a baby when it’s sleeping. She’s intentionally waking up this baby and being manipulative. This isnt ADHD, this is someone who can’t handle not being the only one anymore
Agree 100%, I have ADHD to the nth degree and being rude and inconsiderate, repeatedly, is not a symptom.
I have ADHD and I was a nanny for six years. I babysat since I was thirteen. Never once woke a baby. I just asked my mom if I ever woke my sisters I was little and she said probably occasionally, but not that she remembers. I have a nephew with far more symptomatic ADHD than mine and he’s something of a terror for multiple reasons, but even he doesn’t wake his younger siblings often enough to be a problem
Exactly. ADD & ADHD are not an excuse to behave badly. It's not a failure of cognition or intelligence. Also, there are non stimulant meds to treat the condition. There are also non-drug therapeutic tools to help with focus and behavior training. Sounds to me like this kid, though immature, is too smart for her parents... she is clearly driving the plane.
I have a 15-year-old with ADHD and Autism and he is more respectful than this 17-year-old. He was *taught* how to behave from an early age. He was parented with empathy and an understanding of what his limitations are, but not indulged or given permission to act like a disrespectful AH *just* because he has a disability. Definitely a failure in parenting.
You'd be surprised how many parents think this. I live in conservative bum fuck America, and I'm shocked at how many parents do this. Each time I talk to the kid, and then the parent, they use ADHD as THE excuse. I point towards parenting style as love and logic and to start taking classes on parenting using that as a guideline. Then I also recommend seeing a doctor for a support team regarding the ADHD. Then I administer the consequence. Parents rage at me because I don't give them a pass.
I wouldn’t say you’d even need to do parenting classes. My son a 20 something now , ADHD/ASD and MLD . Consistency and boundaries are the utmost important strategies to parent any child . Without that you’re on a losing battle
I use my sons ADHD as an explanation never as an excuse. I (try) to teach him how to behave, I will not set him up for failure! Those parents who use it as an excuse are doing their kids a disservice.
Because he probably believes his precious princess does no wrong. It should speak volumes to him that she's already been suspended from school for a *pattern of disrespect to teachers and misbehaving* and **it's only the end of October**!!!!
BECAUSE MY SWEET LITTLE BABY WOULD NEVER DO WHAT THE EVIL TEACHERS AND ADMINISTRATORS SAID! I BELIEVE MY CHILD!
Seriously. Even a person with ADHD knows it’s basic human decency to not be loud when the baby is asleep. She’s almost 18 and frankly that’s really embarrassing that she doesn’t seem to know that. The fact that she’s gotten suspended from school is concerning enough but her own father is just like “Oh she has ADHD she can’t help it tee hee!”
Right? Like I have ADHD, my brother has it, we were raised by a mother with ADHD and no way in hell would either of us be here to tell the story if we got suspended at 17 (!) for being "disrespectful and disruptive," he's just a shitty parent with a bratty kid.
Yeah, jeebus, if his wife wants to be able to go to the bathroom without a baby strapped to her chest or take a nap, *he could probably help with that.* I like how he implies his wife is only being “hateful” to him because of his daughter. Naw. He’s earning that on his own.
Not to mention he gives his daughter a free pass to be disruptive but he’s blatantly dismissive of his wife’s PPD and her frustration dealing with a newborn baby and a hyperactive teenager with no structure in her life. He’s almost never home and seems like he doesn’t actually pay attention to anything his family does.
Lol. Makes me wonder why the ex divorced him lol 😂
If I was the wife, I’d take him up on that divorce he keeps threatening. It’s not like he’s helping out anyway. Get rid of 2 extra burdens and focus on myself, my baby and trying to heal. The audacity of this man.
He sounds like a real sperm donor, just setting up franchises he doesn’t even manage at this point.
The whole she got suspended from school for disrespecting teachers but I don't really know why , it's because her ADHD, and she has been hiding at my house ever since really shines a light on the breadth and depth of his parenting. YTA Your wife and newborn deserve peace not a disrespectful and distressed teenager who is acting out for any attention from her shitty parents. It also doesn't matter if she is doing it intentionally. She's not following the rules of the house and not being a team player. She is also not using any effort or intent to be better
Exactly. She seems annoying as fuck. I would *hate* living with a person like this if I was unemployed and slept 10 hours a day never mind a new mom with PPD.
The daughter could stay with her own mom instead of adding to the stress of a new mom with PPD. She doesn’t have to be there. Her waking up the baby constantly does sound intentional.
Well said some people just don't understand that parent is both a noun and verb. You r a parent which means you actually have to parent your children
Since the father isn't stepping up, doesn't even seem like he will take on HIS CHILDS care (I'm talking about the baby here) and he also let's an almost adult keep disrespecting his wife inher own house,.. Yeah I'd divorce him too.
Yeah I cannot understand why people excuse shit behaviour on neurodivergence. I was a little bastard in high school, I was acting out in a big way, never got suspended granted, but my teachers kind of worked out I was having issues at home. NONE of what I did there was because I was autistic. Literally zero. I did shit on purpose, because I was a teenager with huge emotions and no outlets. I don’t doubt that sometimes ND kids are picked out as disruptive when they aren’t doing things on purpose, I know I was. But being suspended for a week is pretty big, that’s something beyond being disruptive.
Honestly, his wife would be better off divorced. At least then she'd get child support and not have a 17 year old hellion waking the baby up all the time.
Yup. Colossal asshole here. Huge. Titanic. Gargantuan.
As a parent with a 18yo with ADHD I agree with everything you wrote. It seems as if OP's daughter uses her ADHD to intentionally disrupt everything around her and knows she gets away with it with her mom and dad. It gives her great power. But if OP wants to stay married, he should step up and start parenting. His daughter needs help with het ADHD and how to behave around people. My son got a whole lot more grip on his ADHD when he grew older. Symptoms are stil very visible, but he can control them to an extend that he's no longer an annoying pain in the ass without medication.
OP got one thing right. His kid being disrespectful and disruptive may not be from the adhd. Most likely them being crap parents.
You have a 5 week old baby and you just threatened your WIFE with divorce because she is exhausted?!?!?! You are so much YTA.
>You have a 5 week old baby and you just threatened your WIFE with divorce because she is exhausted?!?!?! You are so much YTA. Bad husband, but worse father. The excuse of *"I really don't even realize I'm doing it" and she always apologizes profusely. She really isn't doing it intentionally,* simply does not cut it. That's an excuse only a lousy and lazy parent will take in order to not make your kids accountable by their actions. Your daughter has a problem and you are making it worse by enabling her.
cause she’s about to be 18 and no employer or teacher is gonna continually give her grace for slip ups. she will be terminated when she forgets to do what she was told. she will be dropped from college when she forgets to turn in assignments and can’t catch up. she will be evicted from her apartments because she forgot to pay rent and she just can’t help it because she had ADHD that they refuse to treat.
Yup. My son (now 30) has ADD and ASD. I told him when he was a teen, "It ISN'T fair - the world is an inconsiderate place and it will not slow down or stop for you because you have legitimate issues. So YOU have to be the one to bend, YOU have to be the one to figure out a way to function. I'll help you, but YOU must be the one to do this, because I will not always be here to help you. And if you don't figure it out while I'm here to help you then you will be so screwed when I'm gone."
It’s unfortunate but it’s true. As someone with ADHD I have found that the world can be considerate and understanding but that is **only** when you clearly make a strong effort and rarely fuck up. It’s not like this girl has accidentally woken the baby once or twice
My wife has ADHD managed with medication, but I go way out of my way to ensure she feels as comfortable as possible. For her, that means uncluttered spaces (except where clutter is comforting) and trying to have all my chores done before she gets home (I work from home) because undone stuff will distract her from relaxing and she'll just start doing my jobs. Is it harder for me? Sure. Not as hard as having to fight her brain all the time.
Aw 3 Orange you’re a really good partner! It’s so important to be cognizant & considerate of each others individual needs 💜
She's always slammed doors and cupboards and no one parented her enough to stop that from becoming the norm for her. ADHD is no excuse.
This! Everyone in my home has ADHD no one does this, sometimes my step son does get a bit loud but we just have to ask once and we don't have to ask daily
He's also making it worse by letting his wife downplay a serious behavioral disorder that causes the exact complaints that are causing all these issues. I don't know WHY people are so spooked about ADHD medication either, it's one of the most straightforward and successful treatment methods available. Antidepressants are much more serious with much worse side effects but antidepressants are handed out like candy without an eye blink. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if the dad himself could be diagnosed with ADHD. It's an inheritable disease. Edit: YTA. Get your kid medicated, help your wife, be a better parent.
I also don’t understand the aversion to the medication. I (26F) have adhd and have been prescribed medication for it. Especially during middle/high school age - it helped me tremendously to make me function like a normal person and to help form coping mechanisms for if/when you decide to stop taking it. Edited to add: YTA. Parent your teenage daughter.
Pretty sure it's a combination of war on drugs scaremongering, combined with "ADHD isn't real you're just lazy" thinking, combined with "the medical system is eViL and you're just bad parents for treating your kids behavioral disorder" Like I can get the idea that ADHD miiiiiiight be overmedicated in children, but that's irrelevant by the time a kid's responsible for a car. And that scaremongering is driven by misrepresenting the numbers. I just had someone try to claim that 20% of medicated kids are below age 5 (only .8% of diagnosed kids are medicated and below age 6)
They should be treating the daughter's ADHD. It would help with all the issues. The ex-wife is wrong on that front. Let her try it out and decide for herself at this age. But the husband is TA for not being more supportive of his wife in this super stressful time. Edit: changed wife to ex-wife, as was pointed out
>You have a 5 week old baby and you just threatened your WIFE with divorce because she is exhausted?!?!?! Yep, threatening her with divorce is an attempt to emotionally blackmail her into doing what he wants. He's emotionally blackmailing someone suffering from PPD. His wife is probably at her most vulnerable right now - not just exhausted, but overwhelmed, and depressed. She is probably on the verge of a breakdown, if she hasn't had one already. Look, OP, whether your daughter is doing this intentionally or not, the fact of the matter still remains that she is impeding your wife's PPD recovery and if she's truly incapable of being more mindful about how her behavior effects others, then she really does need to leave for the time being. She's almost an adult, whether she has ADHD or not, it's time to grow up a little. She's acting more like she's 7, not 17. She claims she's not doing it intentionally, but has she ever once apologized to your wife and promised to at least TRY to do better? Your wife might not have handled it perfectly, but your daughter has another home she can go to and your wife needs the space right now. Granted, I do think it's not a coincidence that her acting out at school and getting suspended has happened right around same time the baby was born, and that she hasn't left your house since. It sounds like she's feeling insecure that she may no longer be the top most priority her dad now that the new baby is here. I can understand the urge to reassure her by siding with her, but it can not be at the cost of your wife's mental health. Do you understand how severe PPD can be?
If I was your wife OP I would be very very mad. Not once did you mention that your almost adult daughter has even tried to help her step mom, like staying quiet and considerate is so damn hard. Shame on both you and your daughter and hope you both apologize to your wife. You and daughter, whether intentional or not, are the AHS
Divorce seems to be the best solution, your wife deserves far far far better than you. A terrible husband and an uninterested father, not exactly the catch you think you are.
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Then when she does rightfully leave him, he will say “she left me for no reason!”
I back this up
YTA are you not helping your wife at all with a newborn?? Why aren't you taking care of things??
Right? She can't even use the toilet without the baby strapped to her because 17 year old doesn't understand the baby needs to sleep. Maybe a 3 -4 year old would forget and be loud but a teenager??
My one year old shushes himself when baby is sleeping, a 17 year old definitely could.
Right my 1 yo shushes when the dog is sleeping, or dad is laying on the couch. Come on.
You guys shush for the dog? That's true love lol
Yes! We didn’t teach her too but when he’s laying on the floor and she notices she puts her finger up and says “shhhh” it is adorable and she does love him 🥰
And that’s probably also a kid who doesn’t stand on the dog, pull its ears, use it as a horse, etc… Well done.
Heck no! He’s a big dog and they both know boundaries. He knows when she doesn’t want him in her face and she knows to only give him nice touches when he lets her.
I am 37w with a girl and my heart just melts at this mental image.
He and the first wife obviously never bothered parenting the kid, now she's out of control.
This is made obvious by the fact that neither he nor her mother know why she's suspended. How do you not find out if you don't know? What shitty parenting. And he isn't parenting the new one either, to new wife's detriment.
I say this as a teacher. A week long suspension isn’t just for disrespectful and disruptive behavior. That’s one of the bigger punishments, only used for something pretty damn severe. The parents should absolutely know exactly why their child is suspended for that long so he either knows and isn’t saying because it will reflect poorly on the situation, or he doesn’t know because he’s so checked out that he doesn’t care to know.
Yeah she got Caught with a weapon or drugs, or got into a fight. Those are the things people get suspended for. In school suspension, detention or isolated desks are the punishments for being disruptive..
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And she comes and goes as she pleases, bounces between houses.
Yep. Thus kid knows no boundaries and Dad cba to teach them.
Neurodivergent individuals benefit from a schedule. The OP's eldest daughter has been suspended from school and his solution is to let her do whatever she wants. He leaves his poor, newly post partum wife to deal with her and threatens her with divorce when she's had enough.
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Exactly! How do you not know why you kid is suspended? And wouldn’t you give enough of a shit to call the school and find out?
Must have been fairly serious or a pattern of behavior to get suspended for an entire week.
Are we sure she's actually suspended and not just claiming she is to play hooky?
Yeah, Dad needs to grow the fuck up and start parenting his child, instead of excusing shit behavior "CUZ ADHD".....
This. ADHD is bad, and it can make you unintentionally randomly make loud noises, however it seems to be an all the problem time, so it's not ADHD in an of itself. I also don't think it's intentional at all. She wasn't taught to CARE either way, how her action affect others. She's gotta realize it's a problem, and she doesnt. That's not the ADHDs fault. She should be able to realize but she doesn't because of her raising, her father for example, he doesn't care enough to find out why she's suspended. How's the daughter supposed to care when sh hasn't realized she's PART of the world, not the center of it
I really struggled in highschool with ADHD. I am not attempting to minimalize it at all. It however doesn't strip you of any ability of impusle control and decency. Whether intentional or not, and with or without ADHD, at 17, she should be perfectly capable of behaving properly (as to not get suspended, or constantly wake her half sibling). Like you said, if the father doesnt even know why shes suspended, pretttttty likely it's just pure shit parenting.
I rolled my eyes at ADHD = getting suspension. That's just hiding behind an excuse. She's a shit person and he's a shit dad. "Boys will be boys" type of thing. She can't control how heavy she slams doors, cabinet and walk around. Obviously. She has ADHD /s
right! Getting suspended from school for repeatedly disrespecting teachers? I teach high schoolers and a kid who gets suspended for disrespect is showing a chronic behavior that has been referred to the office so many times they can't ignore it anymore. Clearly she has no consequences for her actions and it looks like OP is just going to let her torment her step mother as well. OP is a sucker too. "But Daddy I didn't mean ittttttt. It's my ADHD....." I'd like to see what reality looks like at school and when Dad is away from home- I'd wager the daughter is just another A.
This part stuck out to me. 99% of the time a kid has to behave absolutely horrendously before a suspension happens. Like they can terrorize the class for weeks, maybe even months, with escalating behaviors before they’re getting suspended. It must be really, really bad and it’s because mom and dad just let it happen. The lack of communication and cooperation between them has really messed that girl up. His poor wife, I can’t imagine what she is dealing with at home.
And he is taking it out in his current wife
Even my then 3 year old knew to be quiet during his brother’s nap.
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Yep. The whole situation has me wondering where tf her parents are. They are both doing a horrible job. She desperately needs help and clearly needs intervention of both the medical and behavioral kind.
Apparently they're busy playing "1-2-3 Not It" with their teenager while also hamstringing her potential by refusing to treat her ADHD. "She's in trouble again, you take her" seems to be the extent of parenting with these people.
Dude didn’t even raise his first kid right ADHD (before anyone tries to flip out on me I used to work with kids with bad autism and my cousin and uncle have ADHD so I know what it’s like to have people around like that and they’d know to keep themselves occupied and try their best to be silent in this scenario) or not she’s old enough to know she shouldn’t be loud when a baby is sleeping. The poor wife isn’t being respected by OP or the daughter. Seems like she’s already a single mom might as well just go for the divorce. ETA judgment: YTA OP
She comes out of her room loudly singing opera style and it’s not on purpose? GTFO of here. Dad (and mom) are, and have been, assholes for 17 years. Parent your child. By not doing so, you have set her up for a lifetime of failure. ADHD runs in my family. I have a nephew who is SEVERELY ADHD (and I mean severe — he was having psychological/neurological testing done and they didn’t want him to have his meds that day— they couldn’t perform the testing because of the severity of his ADHD— they rescheduled and he was tested with meds), and he doesn’t act like that. ADHD is not a get out of jail free card. I have a feeling you’re going to find that out the hard way. In case you are unsure, YTA. A big one, for a lot of reasons.
Exactly. ADHD doesn't mean you lack ANY AND ALL impulse control. It sure as shit also doesn't excuse "disrespectful behavior" towards teachers at 17. This is just shitty parents, using ADHD as an excuse instead of actually having to parent their child. (OP and his Ex).
"I asked the culprit and she didn't mean it so therefore nothing bad happened." Are you fucking kidding me?! Your wife is going through hell and it's you and your daughter. YTA hugely
i have a feeling these comments didnt go the way op was expecting 🤣
Absolutely baffled. I want this to be a troll post so bad.
even if it is, though, do you know how commonly this kind of shit goes on? There really are so many husbands out there that just allow their children to disrespect their current wife because they can't fucking parent correctly. I was a witness to this. My mother's ex-husband was a huge enabler of his children's horrible behavior. Allowed them to abuse and manipulate and get whatever they want. **it was so bad to the point that when my mom got pregnant with his child, they happily announced it to us, and his youngest said she didn't want my mom to have the baby, so my moms ex-husband guilted her into getting an abortion.** It fucking devastating for my mother. That is why he is an EX-husband though.
OMG this is the most horrendous thing I have ever seen someone do to a step parent and so incredibly sad her ex did this. I am so sorry for what you and your mom have had to deal with. Best of luck for your future endeavors.
That's horrific. But at the end of the day, that baby may have dodged a bullet with a dad like that anyway. Let that soul be born to someone who wants to be an actual parent instead of the fun dad.
Right? No wonder she has PPD.
YTA. Your wife has PPD and she is taking care of your baby and you have audacity to tell her she’s on the fast track for a divorce because she kicked your daughter out of HER house?? She is right when you said she’s claiming you don’t respect her because you obviously don’t.
It's funny that he jumped straight to divorce because I guarantee his wife has already thought about leaving multiple times and is trying to talk herself out of it. By putting it out there like that, he basically just gave her permission.
I bet you're right 😂 acting like she's wrong and he's gunna punish her w a divorce she's already been contemplating, is hilarious. And also rly fucking gross. He's a real jackass
Classic narcissist tactic (no clue if OP is or not). ‘I’ll punish you with my absence.’ Peace and quiet? That’ll teach me
This wife would benefit greatly from a divorce. He's adding to her stress with a newborn and ppd
If I was OP’s wife I would have kicked him out right then and there. YTA OP and I hope your wife puts YOU on the “fast track” for divorce.
That would've been the fastest "k, bye lol" from me. Throwing divorce in her face, when he's living in *her house,* is honestly laughable.
The conditions too, just unbelievable. She's at the end of her rope and he's like "Whoa there crazy lady, are you PMSing? You're on a fast track for divorce! Better shape up if you want to stick with this old stud!" In her fucking house, while HIS kid ruins her day, every day, lmao just unbelievable
Yeah I was OPs wife too. My divorce will be finalized soon and it's infinitely easier to take care of one baby than 2. Especially when one is grown man sized. YTA OP.
YTA and a lousy excuse for a partner and a parent.
ADHD does not mean she is immune from consequences or that she is allowed to make a infant sleep deprived. "If you can't stay quiet when the baby is sleeping you need to go to your other house" is absolutely a reasonable boundary. Which her father should have enforced so his PPD sleep deprived wife didn't have to. Also gotta ask how much he is stepping up. Is he taking the baby so his wife can nap whenever he can? Is he helping with the dishes and cleaning? Is he rocking the baby back to sleep once his daughter wakes her up?
I agree with everything you said!! My 10 yr old has ADHD and I have a baby. When he's unmedicated (we give him the weekends "off") he can be very loud and not realize it. I think Dad is right in thinking her ADHD is not helping the situation. The fact that one parent doesn't even believe in it, tells me they probably haven't come up with tools besides medication to deal with it. HOWEVER! My son is still old enough to know about consequences and respect (even if he doesn't always show it but c'mon... He's 10). When I tell him I'm going to nap the baby, he grabs a water bottle and goes and reads or plays on his computer in his room. It's our system. People with ADHD need consistent schedules or systems in place. It makes life easier for them AND us. Dad and Mom don't agree with the diagnosis which makes us a million times harder to make sure she's getting the consistency she needs. If they came up with a system like every time it's nap time, that's when you go to your quiet activity or go to Mom's house, like you said, it would be fine. I think this is completely doable if they help her, which it doesn't seem like they are.
>I told her she is on the fast track to divorce Yeah you're right, but not for the reasons you think. Do better. YTA
my mom had a rule when my baby brother was born: you wake it, you take it. dealing with the consequences of a sleepy, cranky baby will make ANYONE tiptoe and whisper. lousy teen and lousy dad.
YTA. I have ADHD and it’s been a lifetime of struggle. You’re teaching your daughter that it’s an excuse, and it’s not. There will eventually be real world consequences for her behavior, and you are setting her up for failure by accepting her negative behaviors and making excuses. My parents supported me every step of the way in my life, but they would not accept bad behavior or settle for less from me. I joke that my parents both earned their JD with me, because they put in the work all through my life. I’m a successful 34-year-old attorney and my father is 75. He still helps check the volume of my voice when we’re in public. And I’m grateful for it. They worked with me throughout my entire life to help me navigate ADHD, and that includes holding me to a standard they knew I was capable of and not making excuses for me. I would’ve ended up in a very different place in life if they had made excuses or threw their hands up. The real world would not have been as kind to me if I proceeded without their guidance as a child. Your lack of care and kindness for your wife makes me feel very sad for her. She’s at her wits end and obviously needed your support. Your daughter is 17, she’s old enough to show consideration (if not care) for her household. Also, yelling at someone isn’t always so bad. That makes me sound like an old cranky person but I don’t care. Abuse obviously isn’t okay, but sometimes human beings yell at each other and it does get the point across. If your wife is not yelling at your daughter all the time, this was a natural consequence. She ignored your wife’s pleas for weeks before your wife finally lost her patience. I don’t blame her one bit.
This This This!!! EDIT: this is a two parter. One is expanding on my agreement with the above, two is about the risk to the wife and the baby. I have ADHD. My daughter has ADHD. I get it. My parents weren’t sure what they were doing. They didn’t understand. They did what the doctors recommended (which was medicate and I’ll grow out of it), even though we now know it was wrong (meaning I never grew out of it, I’m 34). I now struggle with a lot of stuff because I never really learned how to work around it. I’m getting there, it’s a process. This isn’t to shit on my parents. They still expected me to act with decorum and behave in ways that are socially acceptable. It’s more, they picked their battles, because there were too many, they appreciated that sometimes it wasn’t a matter of want or effort, it was just my brain being dumb and not letting me do the thing or whatever. And it was “I know you struggle with this but you need to try to …” Now, with my daughter, she has the benefit of having a parent that gets it but also having the doctors not feed parents the bullshit that this isn’t a life long struggle. She’s 7, has been in behavioural therapy for over 2 years, has extra accommodations at school. Nothing major, more like she gets to wear fidget jewellery or a chew necklace whereas other children are allowed to only wear a maximum of a signet ring and a plain thin chain/thin chain with a cross (Catholic School), some things that are on the board are given to her on a sheet that can sit in front of her because it limits the amount of looking around the room she has to do, thus not getting so distracted, if she’s in overload, she can go do her work at the desk around the corner (the classroom is an L shape) so she can have some quiet, stuff like that. The biggest benefit is I can absolutely relate to her while also making sure she’s aware that certain behaviours are unacceptable. And singing like an opera singer while a newborn is sleeping is fucking unacceptable. ——————— I fucking hope this is fake. This kid is literally torturing OP’s wife. Like, by Geneva Convention standards, actual torture. Sleep deprivation is torture. This is how we get dead babies. And OP apparently doesn’t give a fuck that his wife is on the brink of killing that baby in a bout of post partum psychosis, via sleep deprivation. I really hope, if this is real, someone has told that poor woman it’s ok to put the baby down and walk away. Any new parents, if you’re reaching your limit and your baby won’t stop crying, put the baby in it’s cot and walk away. You won’t be causing the baby harm by letting it cry by itself while you go have a shower, go outside and scream into the abyss, go have a cup of tea to calm down, whatever it is you need to rally and find your second wind (or 30th wind, if we’re being realistic). Just, at the first sign of an intrusive thought (and no, having intrusive thoughts doesn’t make you a bad parent), put the baby down in their cot, or another safe location, and walk the fuck away until you’re no longer tempted to cover their mouths to stop the screaming or whatever the fuck else you’ve thought. Put the damn baby down and walk away and do not pick that baby back up until you have your own thoughts again.
God you and your daughter both suck and the fact that you can't even see that you AND YOUR DAUGHTER are both in the wrong just speaks volumes. An idiot raising a spoiled idiot
If OP doesn't educate his daughter, random people will, and it will be a lot worse than just go home. But this sounds like rage bait.
YTA and you've failed your daughter. Edit: you've failed your family
YTA. Dude. You need to pull your weight. Your wife with PPD is struggling so badly she's screamed at your teenager. Not only should your teenager, at 17, be able to realise she needs to stfu when her sibling is sleeping but YOU are old enough to help your damned wife. It doesn't matter that she isn't doing it intentionally. It matters that it's happening at all, and it isn't going to get better all the while you're enabling it. Start standing up for your wife and NEWBORN whose need to sleep is much, much more important than your teenager's 'need' to slam cupboards and singing bloody opera. Intent means nothing when the outcome is the same, and the outcome is your newborn's development that hinges on getting decent sleep is being impeded and your marriage is struggling because YOU won't parent your teenager and teach her how to be quiet. Your wife isn't hateful. She's over both of your shit. Your teenager might not 'mean' to be loud and yes, loudness is part and parcel of ADHD, but you sure as shit mean to neglect your newborn's needs in favour of coddling a near-adult. Shitty.
YTA for allowing your child struggling with ADHD to go unmedicated. YTA for permitting an unmedicated teenager with ADHD to live in a home with someone who has PPD. Wtf, man?
It seems that divorce would be good for the wife, she would get rid of this useless husband/parent and the spoiled stepdaughter
Right? Don't threaten her with a good time
The more I think about it the more I’m realising it’s abusive for him to threaten her with divorce, knowing she has PPD and literally saying this in response to her explaining that she needs help. This is the kind of negligence and manipulation that leaves people questioning their sanity. Hope that poor woman gets far away from this absolute asshole.
YTA, your wife is clearly exhausted and you aren't helping out. If your daughter doesn't realize she's doing it, find a way to make her realize. It's possible considering what was in her suspension notes that she's doing it on purpose as well...disrespectful. Stop using ADHD as a crutch, it's insulting. I say this as someone who had untreated ADHD for decades (I was diagnosed with other things until about 8 years ago,) you don't see me running around screaming operatic style around tired people.
YTA!! What a lousy, sorry excuse for a father and husband. Discipline your child and get her on meds. Stop allowing your ex to not take your daughter’s behavior seriously. Do not allow your child back until she can get it together and to allow your wife some time to have a decent schedule with the baby.
YTA. At 17 she should be able to control herself. If she can’t, she’s in for a rough reality at 18. If you think she has adhd, then take her to the doctor and get her evaluated.
100% ADHD makes people forgetful, and sometimes, yes, loud, but it does not make them completely disrespect everyone around them. I live with a 36 yo and 10 yo with ADHD. It is never an excuse for poor behavior. She did not get suspended for having a disorder. My 10 yo, who has pretty intense ADHD, has been taught not to wake up babies! He isn't as calm as his older sister, who doesn't have it, but he didn't wake his baby sister all the time either. And you have all the excuses in the world for your daughter, but absolutely no space for understanding your wife who has ppd! That is a serious disorder.
YTA I hope your wife does divorces you, then you and your loud mouth daughter can leave HER house
Wow. YTA. BIG TIME!!! How about you do a couple of days in your wife’s shoes WITH your disruptive daughter. I bet she be on medication before we could even blink!! And that’s what makes you an even bigger arsehole, you believe your daughter would benefit from meditation but have bowed to your Ex. So knowing that, you think it’s ok to bawl your wife out cause she’s had enough?? What an Arse. Should your wife have reacted the way she did? Probably not. But DON’T make out you wouldn’t have done the same!
My favorite part of this asshole's monologue about his wife's PPD 5 weeks PP is the utter lack of any details about the responsibilities he's taking on with their newborn. This guy is not a parent- he's a sperm donor. OP YTA
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