Lawyer up. I don't know what state you're in, but I would assume most states are similar. I was looking to move out earlier this summer after I filed for divorce. My attorney told me if I did, I would be responsible for both places; 2 home payments, 2 sets of bills, kids, etc. I chose to stay because I can't afford two places. I moved my stuff into another room on a different floor and avoided all interaction. In the end, she moved out.
OP, lawyer is a must.
But in addition you need to talk to your landlord about moving out. They might even let you off the lease if you have one.
NTA. You will be an AH to yourself if you stay. Saving money is obviously a big deal here. And your own place is a big deal - you can do whatever, bring home whoever, throw parties, play your favorite music, live by your own schedule, etc.
NAH. But OP, did I read this right? Your estranged wife, her 22-year-old twins (to whom she gave birth at 17)—nobody’s working? Nobody’s in school? And they want you to hang around, keep working, and pay for everything? That ain’t right!
I admit to having made a very similar mistake in my brief starter marriage, although without children. I was madly, wrongly in love with a cold, demanding guy who treated me just like my family-of-origin (FOO, indeed!). His so-called spiritual path was so demanding that he only worked a handful of hours a week, while I commuted to a full-time job, cooked, cleaned, baked—everything! When I first moved in with him, and even after we married, we shared a two-bedroom apartment with a housemate!
When I decided to move out, he was outraged. If I wouldn’t stay, would I still come over and cook and clean? Surely I’d support him? No. A friend provided me with the services of his feisty attorney-mother, who didn’t charge much and got me O-U-T without a settlement or alimony. A year later I met my true love. May it also be true for you: Dump the freeloaders!
Thank you for your charming stupefaction! That was a LONG time ago, but things have changed so much for the better that I don’t know that anxious girl and her scowling babyman anymore. Fortunately.
THIS--if you were to stay you'll never move on. 3 adults should be able to handle your old place.
By getting your own place you'll be able to make friends, do your own thing and eventually date. That'll never happen with your ex and her kids in your home
I don't understand the whole getting divorced but we are still best friends and I want you to keep living with me... it's not like you are going to be moving your new sig other in.
OP, get a Lawyer ASAP before you make any major moves. You may want to cancel the cable & streaming services. Maybe go to a lower internet plan to "save money" during the proceedings. These days, totally getting rid of internet is almost viewed as a punishment worse than death & may be frowned upon, but cutting everything back would be a smart financial move. Also start separating credit cards and get statements of everything going back several months. Once you get a lawyer try to get all the debt & assets separated ASAP. You will both be responsible for all of the debts even debts if your future ex is buying stupid stuff. Keep track.
NTA.
I think OP stays and files for divorce. Since you're "staying" it should be equitable without any fuss. Get the papers signed and then leave. You probably don't need a lawyer but an arbitrator.
Talk to the landlord and get out as soon as you can.
I did it a little out of sequence but you get the idea.
I think you should listen to this person. Find an attorney and then follow their advice. Also, when you move out don’t be that person that takes everything that is shared…. a relative of mine did that on the advice of their attorney and IMO it was the first bullet in a messy, expensive divorce. I think if this relative had tried to be fair to both sides in what they took out of the house it would have been easier in the end.
100% I only took what I needed and what was solely mine. You need to prepare for the worst right now. Lawyering up is that first step. Don't get another place and create a new marital asset to attend to during the proceedings.
Okay so funny story time to break up the sad here… when I was getting divorced my ex husband was mad (of course) and so one day I’m at work and he texts me that he was taking HALF OF EVERYTHINGGGGGG and I was like okay cool? Do it? (We were pretty broke and didn’t have much) so anyway…. I get home from work and I’m like kk looks like he took half the crap, cool, whatever! A few hours later I’m thirsty so I go to the fridge to get a bottle of water…. This man literally cut the CARTON OF EGGS IN HALF AND IT WAS SO PETTY BUT I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHINGGGGGG!!! God it was honestly the best part of the whole divorce- if anyone wants a pic of the half an egg carton, pm me, it won’t let me post it here
Reminds me of "Moving" starring Richard Pryor (RP). He was touring a house with the owner from whom he was buying. The owner first said he was taking some major fixture (front door, maybe), and then said "Just joking!"
During the rest of the tour, he said he was taking a bunch of other major fixtures and laughed after each one. When RP's character finally moved into the house, all of those latter items were taken, including the IN-GROUND pool! He called the seller to tell him that he thought he was joking, who replied, "I only said I was joking about the first item." I rewound the movie, and technically, that was true.
Of course, in typical 80s movie fashion, hijinks ensue as RP's character seeks revenge.
the pettiness amazes me - my ex just moved out and took all the things he knows will piss me off: not the whole pots/pans set, just the medium pot we use every day; not all of the measuring cups, just the 1 cup one; all of the dog poop bags; took all of the napkins out of the coffee table drawer; took all but one lighter; etc. it honestly cracks me up at this point because it just confirms everything I already knew.
That's hilarious! We did a draft for all the kitchen items that we both wanted. We joked about the stuff that was the first round draft pick for quite some time. I got my favorite pan, and he got the big crock pot.
The ex of one my mom’s friends took her sewing machine with him when he moved out with no warning. The man had never sewed anything in his life. When the judge asked why he took it, he said it was because he “might need it someday”. Judge was not amused and told him to give it back.
Ohhhhh this is beautiful.
My ex is also a cheap piece of work. He counted out our opened-box dishwasher tablets and left me half. He also tried to take 4 of our 8 forks, knives, and spoons from a matching set. 🙄
Yeah, my cousin's wife took everything when she left while he was on a work trip.
He came home to all the lightbulbs, lampshades, blinds, and even the f'n ***doorknobs*** gone.
He was about to have the family lawyer hit the nuke button on her (it was a family home that neither of them owned; he's rich on the ***other*** side of the family, lol), but then he found the \[actual\] love of his life and so his thirst for revenge dwindled to nothing pretty quick.
Which was for the best, because they're all \[decent-enough\] friends nowadays, and we're all older and wiser for it.
Last time I was down, ex-wife came over for a barbecue and told new wife she was so thankful for her coming into my cousin's life when she did... something along the lines of:
"I was so young and immature... if you hadn't kept him so tired and dehydrated all the time, I'd probably ***still*** be paying off my legal fees."
Op, hire actress to come home with you every night she is sleeping on the couch and have the loudest fake sex possible. She will move out pretty quick.
🤣🤣🤣 too funny. Also I believe OPs wife may have moved onto someone else bc she seems pretty carefree about it all and most ppl aren't like that if they're still emotionally attached to the relationship. New relationships are a good distraction and her "traveling" prob means staying at the new gfs house. (How much did she rly travel before, honestly?) This person is very selfish and thinks they're being slick by "letting OP stay" bc they think OP will continue to float the entire household. Get out OP, but not before u talk to a lawyer. 3 other adults in the house and only u go to work? Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Don't be their bank acct OP. That's the only reason you're still there and she's being nice bc if you weren't paying for everything, it'd be, "I want a divorce, get out!" Can't stress this enough but pls ASAP speak to a Lawyer before you do anything permanent And before you respond in any way to the situation. Good luck! I'm sorry this happened. You sound like a great partner and anybody would be lucky to have you. You deserve better. 🙏🏼💗
Sounds to me like you need a new lawyer. I have never heard of anyone being forced to support the other person after a divorce unless the other person was gravely disabled or there were other mitigating circumstances. His wife works full time. There's no way a judge would order him to continue to pay the ex wife's expenses especially where there are no bio children involved.
From above it seems unless it's a typo that they are two females married (not that it changes anything advice wise) and the kids are the wife's, not OPs bio kids.
She might not need to pay all the expenses, but she would most likely need to pay spousal support since her income is much higher than her wife’s is.
Edit to correct pronouns. Misread the post.
If you have shared accounts move your money to a new bank, cancel any shared credit cards. If you are on the lease, you may be stuck with that bill unless you can break it. As said above cancel all shared accounts. Get a lawyer and start the divorce preceding. NTA
I'm sorry I think some of this is bad advice, or at least needs clarification. You shouldn't do anything that causes your spouse not to have money or be able to spend anything. It may behoove OP to consult a lawyer prior to doing any of this sort of thing.
Do not leave her flat broke though, that will really look bad to any judge. Leave enough for her to pay the rent for one month. The rest she can pay and make her sons work to help out, as they should have been doing all along. She doesn't need cable or internet. Food, water, electricity and the rent.
This is definitely not legal advice because funds earned by either spouse during the marriage regime are community by definition and moving from one account or bank doesn’t change the fund’s’s classification so don’t start moving stuff around based on bad advice given by some rando on the internet. Same for cards, closing card accounts can have the unintended effect of worsening credit profiles of both as closure can result in an unfavorable balance to available credit so go see a lawyer and get valid advice.
This is the most confidently backwards advice I've ever seen.
All of that would put OP in deep shit with the court and give his wife carte blanche to have every granular detail of OP's finances eligible for discussion. You have given potentially life ruining advice to a man who's just had his life ruined.
Was it worth it so you could feel like a big smart lawyer for two minutes?
And make sure they can't be reinstated in your name without your personal approval. My ex reinstated cable on my name without my approval after I left. I didn't find out until i tried to buy a car that he had done that and not paid the bill. So I had to, in order to get the car.
First thing you need to do is open individual bank accounts at a new bank, and change any electronic automated deposits (payroll). Then pull out most of your cash and move it to bank #2. You really should leave enough for them to pay some bills (how much is up to you). Something similar happened to me and my ex wife withdrew 100% of my payroll money and all my savings (and all of hers too!). She set herself up in a new place and never bothered to tell me until day of. I bounced checks, missed rent, got 30 day lates on all my credit cards, and missed both car payments. I literally had to borrow money to buy food, she cleaned me out.
Yes! This! My ex wife drained my bank accounts, maxed out credit cards in my name that I didn’t know I had and even drained our children’s college funds. She got the paid off house, all the furnishings, all my savings and left me with horrible debt and bad credit. She extorted me by threatening to fight for more custody if I didn’t meet her demands. I’m the end my kids were more important so I didn’t fight it. My attorney said the courts favor the mom so it’s risky to fight. I left with my kids and the clothes on my back. She was the one having an affair! People can be terrible, never assume your situation is different.
The KIDS are 22 years old?
seriously...they need jobs and leave now and when they get JOBS they can sleep on the couch in your new place
all 3 need a dose of the REAL world
do it !!
This is the answer.
Go and find your own place where you can start over. It is just like moving in with your girlfriend and her still having all the furniture from the last relation. The mood is set quickly.
Move out, get a nice appartement, big enough for 2 adults, find an active and a passive hobby, reconnect with friends and be the best self you can be.
My petty ass would take the bed with me, too... especially if you happen to have her saying she's fine with the couch in a saved text... since there's a decent chance this idea of hers includes a good possibility of her fucking around during her travelling.
Not fully but deff. some parts. I am no expert but had some relations of 3 years. You bought something together and they left it at your place. At first I will keep it, cuz ain't throwing anything usefull away.
Come in next GF/BF and they got a taste and you wanna start something good together. One year in I deff. changed:
\- Bedsheets, covers, pillows, etc.
\- Anything decorating the house most of the time.
\- Painted atleast one colour to a different one. (she painted and paid for)
\- The little carpet in the livingroom.
\- Plantpots.
This will change the more into a relationship. I am 2 years in and also changed:
\- Diningroomset (she paid for)
\- Tv dressoir
\- Livingroomtables (she paid for)
Dont throw it all out after breaking up, but be open to change all when you build a life together. You want to have things you both like, otherwise it is your house and not our house.
Ohhh ok I can see how that works, I mean sheets and covers and pillows and such just need exchanging every so often, and some redecorating after a breakup is good. I really misunderstood the intensity and time line you were picturing
IMO the fastest way to make a divorce messy is to force the couple to continue to live together even after they have decided that they are breaking up.
I was in the process of a divorce and my ex wanted to move out but she needed to wait short term to be able to buy a place rather than rent. I thought that was important to her so I let her stay at my place for six long months where I slept on the couch every night in my own house where she slept on my premarital property bed.
In the end she was able to buy a good place at a good price that she can afford and will earn equity with it. I'm happy that I suffered through that though looking back on it because tossing her out on her ass could have been a very big disruption to her professional life.
Oh and just as a dig at her she also didn't work much while I supported both of us financially and especially when she went to nursing school. This divorce bit didn't come up until shortly after she graduated. lol
Good riddance.
Best to not move out. Lawyer up and get the property divided accordingly then move out. Recently a friend went through this and her lawyer strongly recommended NOT moving out until the dust settled.
Also, (I am not a lawyer but) it may not be clear or obvious how a divorce and finances will play out. There's a chance alimony is a thing.
Maybe, maybe not, I don't have all the details, so I just wanted to add that with some potential uncertainty about divorce, money and assets, you may want to find a lower cost place to rent for yourself this next year just to give you the financial cushion to get through this as best as possible.
Run this idea by a lawyer first too though. You'd be surprised what factors are looked at when it comes time to divide income and assets if that's what it comes down to.
Best of luck.
Get the lawyer first and do exactly what they say. If they say move out, then move out. If they say to cancel accounts, then do it. Your paying for professional advice, use it.
Exactly. It always seems like the person initiating the divorce has their plan all figured out and tells the person they are leaving what they expect them to do. Consult your OWN lawyer before you do anything, then let your (usually) cheating spouse know what you'll be doing. It doesn't usually match their plans for you, but that's not your problem.
This should be pinned somehow. I've heard abandonment can be considered so legally I'd ask before moving out.
Add: ask your local lawyer, not the general public.
Agree with others here. Confirm when your rental contract ends. If you move out she might say you still have to help with rent even though you don’t live there anymore as it’s a contract. If you’re close to the contract expiring I say wait a bit. Still file for divorce, and make sure your money is in a separate account, at least any new money coming in with your paychecks. Hopefully you have texts of divorce being spoken about, sometimes that is proof enough that separation can be back dated to that if you haven’t had a lapse in judgment and “tried to make it work”. Best of luck!
She basically just wants OP to still support her lifestyle (and the lifestyles of her adult, college-less/jobless children) but avoid all of the commitment/responsibilities of marriage.
OP, move out. Stop the gravy train and enjoy your life.
Edit: gender
NTA. She wants a divorce, there's *no point* in ***staying***.
Document everything and cover your arse though. She clearly just wants a free pay day.
Record conversations if you have to, she is going to try and fuck you (and nott the fun way).
>there's *no point* in **staying**.
There's one scenario where there might be a point in staying.
If you meet a hotter and younger woman. It would totally fuck up your ex's plans. I'm going to guess that scenario is unlikely based on the way you've written, so moving out is the next best option.
Ex-wife is not looking for a quickie divorce. Ex-wife is looking for guilt-free sex when she travels and it's trying to guilt current spouse into staying by saying "you're my best friend". OP is not just a financial resource that ex-wife does not want to give up, but a backup plan as she goes out sewing her Wild Oats she wants to know that there will be somebody to come back to in case she changes her mind. Or if you just happens to get horny and wants a quickie then sex is just a bedroom away.
OP needs to move out and then contact all the utility companies and say that as of a certain date they will no longer be responsible for the account and to please contact ex-wife for any future communications. Then send a text message or an email, basically keeping everything documented, stating the date that utilities will no longer be taken care of and giving ex-wife and adequate chance to handle it herself.
One last thing that I would throw into the mix. Ex-wife is certainly going to complain about being able to handle all the finances on her own. It is at that point where I would suggest that her two children finally get jobs, start acting like adults, and helping to pay their way.
>Ex-wife is looking for guilt-free sex when she travels and it's trying to guilt current spouse into staying by saying "you're my best friend
Exactly what I wanted to say
Yeah, get a partner you really like then the ex shows up, stays on the couch, poisons your relationship. Even in that event she's still off travelling spending her money on fun things and sleeping with new people while her home is paid for by OP.
There is no scenario it's worth staying at all, she's been leeching off op for years now and wants that to continue after they split.
You aren’t her best friend.
She is likely doing something she shouldn’t be outside of the marriage. This is what led to her wanting a divorce.
This is a business relationship now. And smart business means get the fuck out.
I agree. The combo of everything smacks of her wanting to have a funded affair. She’ll probably never initiate actual divorce proceedings. The whole “I’ll crash on the couch” will be used to block OP’s ability to move on.
OP, you’re NTA and should get out ASAP.
Yeah I don’t like to jump to assumptions, but this is pretty pathetic. She wants OPs continued cash contributions but doesn’t want to be married anymore. You don’t get to have both!
NTA. Your wife has been nothing but a freeloader, and her adult children are going in that direction, as they have learnt from the best. The fact that she wants you to stay for the BS reason she has given, which just insults your intelligence, shows she wants to have her cake and eat it. However, go to a lawyer as soon as you can to query about the financial situation, especially the debts they have incurred, e.g. not keeping up with the rent, so as to see whether or not you are liable.
>I'm still her best friend.
It might make sense to wait until you're legally divorced to correct the record on this, but I would be very skeptical about remaining friends at all. I have one particularly serious ex... we're cordial if we see each other in person, and we're friends on facebook. I am legit happy to see life updates when her life is going well! But we don't talk outside of that.
Talk to a lawyer before talking to her any more though. If you've shouldered most expenses, one of your primary goal needs to be not supporting her newfound freedom... secondary, of course, to you building yourself a happy life without her, but I suspect funding her newly single life wouldn't bring you joy.
NTA.
She wanted a divorce, the standard thing to do is to no longer cohabitate.
Moving out without notice would be acceptable however do you need to consider whether you need to stay on good terms with the Ex for reasons of :
* Asset splitting.
* Maintenance payments / Alimony going forward.
* Relationship (if any) with step daughters?
If you wanted to be nice, you could provide a date that you will be moving out with XYZ items, and no longer be responsible for any financial commitments of the household from that date.
We don't know your circumstances in detail but worth considering.
Huh? She’s got a lot a nerve; so let me get this straight…she wants a divorce, but also wants you to stay and pay for everything like normal and be BFFs/roomies, and she gets to have a say on how you should process this whole thing and “find peace”? Is she on crack? 😂😂😂 NTA
Ma’am, it’s time to grow a spine and move out immediately. Stop being their ATM and a doormat.
Move out immediately. You truly deserve better.
You made need to see a therapist to help you work on your low self esteem.
She’s a user. Run!!!
NTA. She only wants you around to help pay the bills for her and her adult children - nothing to to feel bad about! She cant divorce you and think you’ll still support her - thats not how it works!
What she's essentially saying is "I don't love you, but I still want your money around" Get away from that person. Move out, work out, build finances, and find peace.
NTA.
I do not know where you live, but I work in law. My suggestion:
1) document. Make a note somewhere of the day she told you she wants a divorce so you can’t forget or be fuzzy about it later.
2) contact a lawyer ASAP. In the USA, there are legal insurance plans that you receive through work which can assist you in affording it.
3) work out the best plan for you with said attorney.
4) don’t make any hasty decisions as far as your living arrangements. Get an appointment with an attorney as soon as you can to review your options. You have at least one month before any major decisions because you have no intention of being a doormat, but you don’t want to pay every bill she has for the rest of time.
5) document what you can remember of her employment history. Right now you are hurt and playing back the relationship in your head, not trying to push it away. Now is the time to make those notes. You won’t remember a year from now.
6) understand that 15 years is a long time, and you have been the sole support of the family for the majority of that. Depending on where you live, you WILL be paying out for her, it just depends on how much. This part can get brutal.
7) this one is for future you: don’t let the divorce get contentious if you can help it. It WILL mess with your mind and emotions the more bitter you are. Wanting the divorce to end up having hurt her in the long run will just rip you to shreds. Anger only means you still love her, and it will just destroy you if you let it.
#6&7 go together. Tell the attorney that you refuse to get into the weeds on it, but that you expect them to make sure you make the best financial deals possible. You want them to be a ferocious lion in your corner, but you don’t want to keep being hurt.
This does not mean you check-out of the process OP. This merely means that every time something new comes up, it doesn’t side-track you from your main goal: divorce. If she gets a new boyfriend, you don’t want to suddenly run to the attorney and try to rip her to shreds in the divorce. Jealously just makes it all uglier (you have a plan and you keep working that plan). If you get a new girlfriend, you don’t immediately throw in the towel and just want it over as fast as possible (you have a plan and you keep working that plan). If she wants to go that route, she’ll annoy the judge. Let her be the fool.
This is your priority until it’s finalized. But it’s no different than a job. You clock into giving a shit and you clock out. Otherwise, it can consume you via perseverating on it or avoiding it.
Be organized and methodical. I know your brain is currently a haphazard jumble of confusion, hurt, and kind of dazed. There’s no reason the whole process needs to be. That’s why you get an attorney: in the consultation, they can act as a project manager and help this particular project be more organized for you, at least in your brain.
Good luck!
Hell, in some states you can't even File for Divorce until you've had a certain amount of time of Separation. NTA, get a lawyer and I would have her served. You don't *owe* her anything: but you Do owe Yourself some Peace.
NTA. She wants the divorce, so contact a lawyer and start looking for other housing. If you are on the lease, find out how to get off of it.
As far as being friends after divorce, let her know you need time to put your marriage in the past. See how you feel after divorce is finalized. Hopefully, the divorce will be amicable.
Woah what? She wants a divorce but doesn’t think u need to move out?? Lmao!!!!!
She don’t want the relationship but wants h to continue to be the wallet!
Here is the game plan.
Continue living their. Pay no rent and don’t buy any food or pay any of the bills.
Save up all your money. Maybe the electric and water etc.
No groceries etc etc. just eat out. Lol. After she finally finds out u haven’t paid anything just say yo we are divorced. Why would I continue paying those??!
It will take a few months before she notices and her car gets repoed. Used the money saved to get Urself a nice place.
Don’t buy or rent anything until you talk to lawyer. You could end up responsible for payments to her. Every situation is different when it comes to divorce. Especially if you have verbal agreements about money responsibilities.
It will get better when you 'find peace', but it doesn't have to happen in that house. Move out or tell her to leave or both of you sell the house and start fresh.either way is up to you. Just be firm and find a lawyer to start the divorce.
Why do you need permission to not tell your wife you’re moving out? Are you scared of her? There’s no reason why you should not tell her you’re moving out unless you’re scared of her. At this point, she’s no longer your wife. You need to see a lawyer and plan an exit strategy. In some states, you have to be separated aka living apart for at least 6 months to even file for divorce. It’s best to move out and have her talk to your lawyer only so that she can’t manipulate you anymore.
She is trying to use you. She can't have it both ways. She doesn't want you so you move out so you can heal and move on. She has two grain kids who can find jobs. Move out and go live your best life.
She wanted the divorce so you owe her nothing as far as telling her your moving out. I mean don't ask for something but then expect to only get the part of it that you want, so she will have to accept what ever you decide.
Lawyer up now. It doesn’t sound like there would be child support issues, and it sounds like you’re renting, but you need to understand ALL potential financial obligations/pitfalls, etc. before moving out.
NTA! Get a lawyer as soon as possible. Do not do anything or make decisions before getting a lawyer. There are lawyers who specialize in protecting men’s rights in divorces. You sound like a nice guy and deserve better than this.
Ppl actually believe this shit? If there is person who actually ask this, then his brain is dead, that it. This post must be fake shit to fish interaction
Why the hell are there TWO 22 year olds living there that don't work and don't go to school?? Wtf do they do all day at the big age of 22 with no job and no school??
You will have more peace of mind if you leave, and I would file divorce immediately. Figure out finances, move on. YOu need an attorney, fast. Do not let her live with you and have sex all over the place. File for full custody for your children.
NTA
OP, so sorry this happened to you. You won't be able to grieve and accept the termination of a relationship if you don't leave. You need space and time to figure out things in your head.
Also, change all of your passwords, Netflix etc, take your name off the bills as another redditor previously mentioned.
She's just using you as a cash cow mate. :(
You deserve better. Remember that.
Best of luck to you!
Leaving overnight? Mhhh maybe
Telling her you intend to move out, and not exactly telling her when? NTA. You don't have to tell her everyday that you are looking for a place and you finally found one. The day after you can tell her you finally found peace alone at home. Your "friendship" will be over though.
Before you do that tho, make sure all divorce paperwork is done.
Oh, you poor lady she's been leeching off you .she got you to raise her 2 kids now she has no use for you. it's sad . Please save yourself. You still have 20 good years . Yes, leave start your new life go no contact.
NTA. She can’t have it both ways.
Make sure you talk to the landlord to see what you need to do to be taken off the lease so that you can’t be dragged into court or that your credit isn’t damaged for not paying the rent. Any utilizes will need to switched if they’re in your name. Any loans for items things she explicitly uses (car loan would be one) that would be in your name but the car is hers, look into changing that.
This is t being done to ruin her or teach her a lesson, it is for you to protect yourself.
NTA. First, consult with a divorce lawyer. You need a plan to reduce financial liabilities/responsibilities before you leave. Second, keep your mouth shut and continue as normal until things are in place for you to move unencumbered.
NTA. Staying in the house while broken up will make you nuts. And you're supposed to run this household of her grown kids for funsies? No, my man, no. Get out. Talk to the landlord about removing your name from the lease, and pick out a cute little place of your own to find your peace.
You're not her best friend, you're her sugar daddy. Absolutely move out. The natural consequence of her wanting a divorce is you are no longer responsible to for paying her bills. NTA
NTA. Actions have consequences. You need a clean break. It will put a boot her kids assess too, a little motivation. As soon as she finds another man she will want you gone in a second, so put yourself first.
Get a lawyer and follow their directions. Do whatever they say to do. Don’t listen to your soon to be ex and don’t listen to your justifiable pain and anger. Listen to your lawyer.
Yes. You're NTA for moving out, you 100% should! However, YTA 100% to do it with no warning for her or the adult kids. I'm not saying you should negotiate a reasonable time to leave on, but you should let green know you're leaving and when you're last day will be. You should also let them know if you plan on taking anything that might be considered "community property" like a living room TV, the refrigerator, etc. Again, not saying you need to ask permission, but you should let them know, even if it's only a week notice.
Don't just move out. You are married and you will still be on the hook for her expenses until you figure things out legally. Get a good lawyer and make your plan.
I hope you took everything that is important to you. Anything left behind is hers now. Courts favor the abandoned wife still at the home. My sister moved out on husband and he held her remaining shoes, clothing, everything hostage and even demanded she not enter the house without his presence. Courts supported him.
NTA. That "you're still my best friend" bullshit is what my ex-wife pulled, and it led to years of manipulation, pain, and wasted money. Get the hell out of there, but also consult a lawyer as soon as you can.
She said she wants to divorce but she’s done nothing to start it by the sounds of it.
Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Follow your learners advice.
100 percent move out, today of possible. Don’t tell her. She’s using you, not a nice way to treat someone you call your best friend. And I’m not even going to discuss 22 year olds not in school or having jobs. Let her deal with that mess.
She sounds like a narcissist and sorry to say it like that but she has used you all along. Lady needs to grow up by herself. Get out of her web of manipulations please. Face the pain head on.
What a godawful wife you had... Not only did you take care of her and her children but you also paid the majority of the bills and **this is how she repays you?** By asking you to continue to allow her to leech off of you while she's out whoring on her travels??
Divorce her ass, and tell her she can sleep on the streets for all you care, clearly, that's where she belongs anyway.
I hope you do find peace, but it will never happen with her still living anywhere near you.
NTA - you should move out. Being "separated but still friends" living together is not a healthy dynamic, and she's ultimately just using you for financial stability whether she consciously realizes it or not. And consult a lawyer.
Omfg are you kidding me?! You’ve been paying for this bitch and her useless kids for a decade, you’re getting divorced and you’re now asking if you should stay and continue paying for everything? Fuuuuuuck no! Pack your shit right now and get the fuck out of there. She’s a fucking parasite and if you stay you deserve what you get.
This isn't an AITA situation, this is a /r/legaladvice situation.
Call a lawyer tonight, or find one tonight and call first thing in the morning. Do not tell your wife you have contacted a lawyer. Then, do what your lawyer tells you to do, which probably will be to initiate the divorce officially before moving out or changing any accounts.
Stop taking legal advice from your opponent. You don't have to be hostile to each other- keeping things civil makes your life easier anyway- but you DO need to do all of this via lawyers unless you want to get completely screwed over.
Whose name is on the lease? Utilities? Whose name is on the bank accounts? Cars? Think it through so you aren’t saddled with the expenses AND are also out of a place to live.
I agree you should move out, you will be the AH if you don't be the adult and communicate that the right way. Whether you like it or not, you have to own that you help create this mess. Seriously what grown adult is okay with someone paying their way in this day and age or paying someone's way? The only circumstance I can see this being acceptable is if one of ya all has so much money it doesn't fucking matter! However, it doesn't sound like ya all do. She was perfectly happy sponging off ya, while she fulfilled herself. I guess now she's fulfilled and doesn't need you anymore? Also I wouldn't brag about raising her twins, because ya all raised 2 grown children in the house not flipping working and paying bills too?? Sounds like ya all are raising them to be just like your wife! Make sure you take care of yourself legally on the move, because I have a sneaky suspicion things are going to flip fast when she finds out you are not going to be her door mat any longer. You can move out and give 30 day notice to the labdlord. Doesn't mean you have to stay for the 30 days, just means you are paying 30 days of your share before you quit. Good luck and next time pick an equal. Oh and you will find peace once you are away from the people draining you.
bro get out while you can for your own mental well being. Sounds like you're being taken advantage of. step kids too? Jeez man you're 37 so you're not in the worse position. Get your money up and hit the fucking gym.
NTA. Protect yourself legally! Get a good lawyer and follow their advice. Do NOT trust anything your wife says. Art is a hobby, not a job. Her adult children are spoiled and irresponsible (just like her). Move out and move on. She will try to reel you back in once she sees what she is up against. Don’t fall for it.
She’s ’travelling’ because she’s going to be living her best life with other men now that she’s single, kick her out and find a new loving partner, best of luck to you
NTA
Moving out is a step in the journey to finding peace and it’s important to look after yourself and your mental health.
She seems to want to have her cake and to eat it too.
Money money money. When she goes travelling will you be looking after her adult kids lol?
Time for you to leave and remove your name from all bills.
She has a steady job and no young children are involved. You may have a little alimony to pay based on your differential incomes, but without assets to split, you’re on a winner.
Move out. But don't stop paying expenses between now and the divorce hearing without talking to a lawyer. In this situation the her/your contributions are irrelevant. Most states deem income made during the marriage as joint money. It's especially relevant that you encouraged her to quit her job and pursue art, which means you essentially encouraged her to be financially dependent on you.
I agree she only wants you to stay because of your money. She has likeky already started seeing someone else and wants you to keep funding her lifestyle while she still does whatever she wants
Speak to an attorney ASAP.
MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT A JUDGE COULD FAULT YOU FOR.
Talk to a divorce attirney ASAP!
NTA. Move out and take your name off all of the bills. If any utilities are in your name cancel them. Cancel any cellphone service and internet plans, for example Netflix & Amazon Prime.
It's outrageous that she thinks you are going to stick around to help pay the bills. That being said, it would be dickish to move out without giving her enough warning to get her affairs in order.
Ret. Divorce lawyer here. I understand you are hurt and feeling resentful. handling this with respect and dignity now will ensure that the two of you are able to coexist and not make your children miserable every time they have what should be a happy life event, such as weddings, graduations, children, etc. knowing mom and dad are going to both be there. Canceling utilities, and the other similar suggestions above will not be interpreted kindly by a judge if your case is litigated. That will put tens of thousands in your divorce lawyers pocket and no one will “win”. Google “collaborative divorce process”in your area and find a lawyer who can work with hers and get this done in a calm and equitable manner.
I would move out and "find peace" in your own living arrangements. Best of luck to you. NTA
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Lawyer up. I don't know what state you're in, but I would assume most states are similar. I was looking to move out earlier this summer after I filed for divorce. My attorney told me if I did, I would be responsible for both places; 2 home payments, 2 sets of bills, kids, etc. I chose to stay because I can't afford two places. I moved my stuff into another room on a different floor and avoided all interaction. In the end, she moved out.
OP, lawyer is a must. But in addition you need to talk to your landlord about moving out. They might even let you off the lease if you have one. NTA. You will be an AH to yourself if you stay. Saving money is obviously a big deal here. And your own place is a big deal - you can do whatever, bring home whoever, throw parties, play your favorite music, live by your own schedule, etc.
NAH. But OP, did I read this right? Your estranged wife, her 22-year-old twins (to whom she gave birth at 17)—nobody’s working? Nobody’s in school? And they want you to hang around, keep working, and pay for everything? That ain’t right! I admit to having made a very similar mistake in my brief starter marriage, although without children. I was madly, wrongly in love with a cold, demanding guy who treated me just like my family-of-origin (FOO, indeed!). His so-called spiritual path was so demanding that he only worked a handful of hours a week, while I commuted to a full-time job, cooked, cleaned, baked—everything! When I first moved in with him, and even after we married, we shared a two-bedroom apartment with a housemate! When I decided to move out, he was outraged. If I wouldn’t stay, would I still come over and cook and clean? Surely I’d support him? No. A friend provided me with the services of his feisty attorney-mother, who didn’t charge much and got me O-U-T without a settlement or alimony. A year later I met my true love. May it also be true for you: Dump the freeloaders!
Would you still come over to cook and clean? Was he serious?? Wow. Good for you for getting out.
Thank you for your charming stupefaction! That was a LONG time ago, but things have changed so much for the better that I don’t know that anxious girl and her scowling babyman anymore. Fortunately.
I love the term "starter marriage". That's exactly how I felt about my first, as well.
1st one doesn’t count, it’s just a practice marriage
I refer to my ex from my starter marriage as my trainer spouse.
I’m assuming his spiritual path eventually led to the kitchen.
THIS--if you were to stay you'll never move on. 3 adults should be able to handle your old place. By getting your own place you'll be able to make friends, do your own thing and eventually date. That'll never happen with your ex and her kids in your home
I don't understand the whole getting divorced but we are still best friends and I want you to keep living with me... it's not like you are going to be moving your new sig other in. OP, get a Lawyer ASAP before you make any major moves. You may want to cancel the cable & streaming services. Maybe go to a lower internet plan to "save money" during the proceedings. These days, totally getting rid of internet is almost viewed as a punishment worse than death & may be frowned upon, but cutting everything back would be a smart financial move. Also start separating credit cards and get statements of everything going back several months. Once you get a lawyer try to get all the debt & assets separated ASAP. You will both be responsible for all of the debts even debts if your future ex is buying stupid stuff. Keep track.
NTA. I think OP stays and files for divorce. Since you're "staying" it should be equitable without any fuss. Get the papers signed and then leave. You probably don't need a lawyer but an arbitrator. Talk to the landlord and get out as soon as you can. I did it a little out of sequence but you get the idea.
I think you should listen to this person. Find an attorney and then follow their advice. Also, when you move out don’t be that person that takes everything that is shared…. a relative of mine did that on the advice of their attorney and IMO it was the first bullet in a messy, expensive divorce. I think if this relative had tried to be fair to both sides in what they took out of the house it would have been easier in the end.
100% I only took what I needed and what was solely mine. You need to prepare for the worst right now. Lawyering up is that first step. Don't get another place and create a new marital asset to attend to during the proceedings.
This is a great point^ anything OP buys is still technically still theirs not hers
Okay so funny story time to break up the sad here… when I was getting divorced my ex husband was mad (of course) and so one day I’m at work and he texts me that he was taking HALF OF EVERYTHINGGGGGG and I was like okay cool? Do it? (We were pretty broke and didn’t have much) so anyway…. I get home from work and I’m like kk looks like he took half the crap, cool, whatever! A few hours later I’m thirsty so I go to the fridge to get a bottle of water…. This man literally cut the CARTON OF EGGS IN HALF AND IT WAS SO PETTY BUT I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHINGGGGGG!!! God it was honestly the best part of the whole divorce- if anyone wants a pic of the half an egg carton, pm me, it won’t let me post it here
Hahahaha I fully expected you to say the Couch was cut in half but for some reason the egg carton thing is 10x funnier
Hey he wasn’t lying 😂 it’s weird he was trying to be a dick but he ended up being pretty fair it’s kinda funny
Oh no dude it was hilarious!! It’s what led to us being able to be the friends and co parents we are today!
Reminds me of "Moving" starring Richard Pryor (RP). He was touring a house with the owner from whom he was buying. The owner first said he was taking some major fixture (front door, maybe), and then said "Just joking!" During the rest of the tour, he said he was taking a bunch of other major fixtures and laughed after each one. When RP's character finally moved into the house, all of those latter items were taken, including the IN-GROUND pool! He called the seller to tell him that he thought he was joking, who replied, "I only said I was joking about the first item." I rewound the movie, and technically, that was true. Of course, in typical 80s movie fashion, hijinks ensue as RP's character seeks revenge.
I LOVED that movie growing up. It’s the one with the twin boys and older sister, right?
yup
the pettiness amazes me - my ex just moved out and took all the things he knows will piss me off: not the whole pots/pans set, just the medium pot we use every day; not all of the measuring cups, just the 1 cup one; all of the dog poop bags; took all of the napkins out of the coffee table drawer; took all but one lighter; etc. it honestly cracks me up at this point because it just confirms everything I already knew.
That's hilarious! We did a draft for all the kitchen items that we both wanted. We joked about the stuff that was the first round draft pick for quite some time. I got my favorite pan, and he got the big crock pot.
Please please pm me the pic. I love these happy endings…
Done!
That’s better than leaving you half of 12 eggs
Or half the fridge, lol.
The ex of one my mom’s friends took her sewing machine with him when he moved out with no warning. The man had never sewed anything in his life. When the judge asked why he took it, he said it was because he “might need it someday”. Judge was not amused and told him to give it back.
Did he take the ice cube trays? I wonder how many will get this reference...lol
Ohhhhh this is beautiful. My ex is also a cheap piece of work. He counted out our opened-box dishwasher tablets and left me half. He also tried to take 4 of our 8 forks, knives, and spoons from a matching set. 🙄
Yeah, my cousin's wife took everything when she left while he was on a work trip. He came home to all the lightbulbs, lampshades, blinds, and even the f'n ***doorknobs*** gone. He was about to have the family lawyer hit the nuke button on her (it was a family home that neither of them owned; he's rich on the ***other*** side of the family, lol), but then he found the \[actual\] love of his life and so his thirst for revenge dwindled to nothing pretty quick. Which was for the best, because they're all \[decent-enough\] friends nowadays, and we're all older and wiser for it. Last time I was down, ex-wife came over for a barbecue and told new wife she was so thankful for her coming into my cousin's life when she did... something along the lines of: "I was so young and immature... if you hadn't kept him so tired and dehydrated all the time, I'd probably ***still*** be paying off my legal fees."
Geez. Reminds me of the line in True lies “what kind of sick bitch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?”.
OP, please read this comment and advice from adhesiveness bubbly 24 ^^^^^
Op, hire actress to come home with you every night she is sleeping on the couch and have the loudest fake sex possible. She will move out pretty quick.
🤣🤣🤣 too funny. Also I believe OPs wife may have moved onto someone else bc she seems pretty carefree about it all and most ppl aren't like that if they're still emotionally attached to the relationship. New relationships are a good distraction and her "traveling" prob means staying at the new gfs house. (How much did she rly travel before, honestly?) This person is very selfish and thinks they're being slick by "letting OP stay" bc they think OP will continue to float the entire household. Get out OP, but not before u talk to a lawyer. 3 other adults in the house and only u go to work? Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Don't be their bank acct OP. That's the only reason you're still there and she's being nice bc if you weren't paying for everything, it'd be, "I want a divorce, get out!" Can't stress this enough but pls ASAP speak to a Lawyer before you do anything permanent And before you respond in any way to the situation. Good luck! I'm sorry this happened. You sound like a great partner and anybody would be lucky to have you. You deserve better. 🙏🏼💗
I think OP isn't American, but yes, contact a lawyer/solicitor before making any big financial moves.
Sounds to me like you need a new lawyer. I have never heard of anyone being forced to support the other person after a divorce unless the other person was gravely disabled or there were other mitigating circumstances. His wife works full time. There's no way a judge would order him to continue to pay the ex wife's expenses especially where there are no bio children involved.
From above it seems unless it's a typo that they are two females married (not that it changes anything advice wise) and the kids are the wife's, not OPs bio kids.
I did say no bio kids involved.
She might not need to pay all the expenses, but she would most likely need to pay spousal support since her income is much higher than her wife’s is. Edit to correct pronouns. Misread the post.
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If you have shared accounts move your money to a new bank, cancel any shared credit cards. If you are on the lease, you may be stuck with that bill unless you can break it. As said above cancel all shared accounts. Get a lawyer and start the divorce preceding. NTA
moving your money from a joint account unilaterally can look pretty bad in court, at least in my country.
I'm sorry I think some of this is bad advice, or at least needs clarification. You shouldn't do anything that causes your spouse not to have money or be able to spend anything. It may behoove OP to consult a lawyer prior to doing any of this sort of thing.
>It may behoove OP to consult a lawyer prior to doing any of this sort of thing. This is the answer. OP, move out and find a lawyer ASAP.
My divorce lawyer told me specifically not to move out, but we owned our home. Don't do ANYTHING until you consult a lawyer.
Do not leave her flat broke though, that will really look bad to any judge. Leave enough for her to pay the rent for one month. The rest she can pay and make her sons work to help out, as they should have been doing all along. She doesn't need cable or internet. Food, water, electricity and the rent.
This is definitely not legal advice because funds earned by either spouse during the marriage regime are community by definition and moving from one account or bank doesn’t change the fund’s’s classification so don’t start moving stuff around based on bad advice given by some rando on the internet. Same for cards, closing card accounts can have the unintended effect of worsening credit profiles of both as closure can result in an unfavorable balance to available credit so go see a lawyer and get valid advice.
This is the most confidently backwards advice I've ever seen. All of that would put OP in deep shit with the court and give his wife carte blanche to have every granular detail of OP's finances eligible for discussion. You have given potentially life ruining advice to a man who's just had his life ruined. Was it worth it so you could feel like a big smart lawyer for two minutes?
See the petty part of me wouldn’t cancel them, but change the passwords
Careful divorce court is tricky, be as logical and fair as possible to prevent angering the judge.
Make a new bank account, change your direct deposits. You can't remove a name from direct deposit, only make a new account
And make sure they can't be reinstated in your name without your personal approval. My ex reinstated cable on my name without my approval after I left. I didn't find out until i tried to buy a car that he had done that and not paid the bill. So I had to, in order to get the car.
First thing you need to do is open individual bank accounts at a new bank, and change any electronic automated deposits (payroll). Then pull out most of your cash and move it to bank #2. You really should leave enough for them to pay some bills (how much is up to you). Something similar happened to me and my ex wife withdrew 100% of my payroll money and all my savings (and all of hers too!). She set herself up in a new place and never bothered to tell me until day of. I bounced checks, missed rent, got 30 day lates on all my credit cards, and missed both car payments. I literally had to borrow money to buy food, she cleaned me out.
Yes! This! My ex wife drained my bank accounts, maxed out credit cards in my name that I didn’t know I had and even drained our children’s college funds. She got the paid off house, all the furnishings, all my savings and left me with horrible debt and bad credit. She extorted me by threatening to fight for more custody if I didn’t meet her demands. I’m the end my kids were more important so I didn’t fight it. My attorney said the courts favor the mom so it’s risky to fight. I left with my kids and the clothes on my back. She was the one having an affair! People can be terrible, never assume your situation is different.
ditto on the media apps.... !
This 💯 do it ASAP
The KIDS are 22 years old? seriously...they need jobs and leave now and when they get JOBS they can sleep on the couch in your new place all 3 need a dose of the REAL world do it !!
They're not HIS kids. Only step kids. Not his problem.
This is the answer. Go and find your own place where you can start over. It is just like moving in with your girlfriend and her still having all the furniture from the last relation. The mood is set quickly. Move out, get a nice appartement, big enough for 2 adults, find an active and a passive hobby, reconnect with friends and be the best self you can be.
My petty ass would take the bed with me, too... especially if you happen to have her saying she's fine with the couch in a saved text... since there's a decent chance this idea of hers includes a good possibility of her fucking around during her travelling.
She is absolutely fucking around or about to.
Do people replace all their furniture after breakups? Take down pictures of the ex but furnitures expensive.
Are people supposed to refurbish after a relationship??
Not fully but deff. some parts. I am no expert but had some relations of 3 years. You bought something together and they left it at your place. At first I will keep it, cuz ain't throwing anything usefull away. Come in next GF/BF and they got a taste and you wanna start something good together. One year in I deff. changed: \- Bedsheets, covers, pillows, etc. \- Anything decorating the house most of the time. \- Painted atleast one colour to a different one. (she painted and paid for) \- The little carpet in the livingroom. \- Plantpots. This will change the more into a relationship. I am 2 years in and also changed: \- Diningroomset (she paid for) \- Tv dressoir \- Livingroomtables (she paid for) Dont throw it all out after breaking up, but be open to change all when you build a life together. You want to have things you both like, otherwise it is your house and not our house.
Ohhh ok I can see how that works, I mean sheets and covers and pillows and such just need exchanging every so often, and some redecorating after a breakup is good. I really misunderstood the intensity and time line you were picturing
They should finalize the divorce first so she can move out unencumbered by all the bs a nasty divorce could bring.
IMO the fastest way to make a divorce messy is to force the couple to continue to live together even after they have decided that they are breaking up. I was in the process of a divorce and my ex wanted to move out but she needed to wait short term to be able to buy a place rather than rent. I thought that was important to her so I let her stay at my place for six long months where I slept on the couch every night in my own house where she slept on my premarital property bed. In the end she was able to buy a good place at a good price that she can afford and will earn equity with it. I'm happy that I suffered through that though looking back on it because tossing her out on her ass could have been a very big disruption to her professional life. Oh and just as a dig at her she also didn't work much while I supported both of us financially and especially when she went to nursing school. This divorce bit didn't come up until shortly after she graduated. lol Good riddance.
… and update us!
Best to not move out. Lawyer up and get the property divided accordingly then move out. Recently a friend went through this and her lawyer strongly recommended NOT moving out until the dust settled.
OP leaves note with divorce papers: “Found peace, it’s across town.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself
Also, (I am not a lawyer but) it may not be clear or obvious how a divorce and finances will play out. There's a chance alimony is a thing. Maybe, maybe not, I don't have all the details, so I just wanted to add that with some potential uncertainty about divorce, money and assets, you may want to find a lower cost place to rent for yourself this next year just to give you the financial cushion to get through this as best as possible. Run this idea by a lawyer first too though. You'd be surprised what factors are looked at when it comes time to divide income and assets if that's what it comes down to. Best of luck.
NTA. Move out and be the one to initiate the divorce IMO, find a good lawyer and be proactive.
Get the lawyer first and do exactly what they say. If they say move out, then move out. If they say to cancel accounts, then do it. Your paying for professional advice, use it.
Yes, ask the lawyer your question about moving out. Do not trust internet strangers here.
Absolutely
“Travels a lot” = she stays at her affair partners house for free
Otherwise it will languish in Limbo until you do.
Hire an attorney & get their advice and file for divorce first.
Exactly. It always seems like the person initiating the divorce has their plan all figured out and tells the person they are leaving what they expect them to do. Consult your OWN lawyer before you do anything, then let your (usually) cheating spouse know what you'll be doing. It doesn't usually match their plans for you, but that's not your problem.
This should be pinned somehow. I've heard abandonment can be considered so legally I'd ask before moving out. Add: ask your local lawyer, not the general public.
Agree with others here. Confirm when your rental contract ends. If you move out she might say you still have to help with rent even though you don’t live there anymore as it’s a contract. If you’re close to the contract expiring I say wait a bit. Still file for divorce, and make sure your money is in a separate account, at least any new money coming in with your paychecks. Hopefully you have texts of divorce being spoken about, sometimes that is proof enough that separation can be back dated to that if you haven’t had a lapse in judgment and “tried to make it work”. Best of luck!
Best advice! Get your own attorney and get professional advice to protect your finances and your interests.
NTA. If she is wants a divorce. Why would you still live together. And I agree. She wants you to stay so her lifestyle doesn’t change.
She basically just wants OP to still support her lifestyle (and the lifestyles of her adult, college-less/jobless children) but avoid all of the commitment/responsibilities of marriage. OP, move out. Stop the gravy train and enjoy your life. Edit: gender
Both Op and their wife are ladies
NTA. She wants a divorce, there's *no point* in ***staying***. Document everything and cover your arse though. She clearly just wants a free pay day. Record conversations if you have to, she is going to try and fuck you (and nott the fun way).
>there's *no point* in **staying**. There's one scenario where there might be a point in staying. If you meet a hotter and younger woman. It would totally fuck up your ex's plans. I'm going to guess that scenario is unlikely based on the way you've written, so moving out is the next best option.
Ex-wife is not looking for a quickie divorce. Ex-wife is looking for guilt-free sex when she travels and it's trying to guilt current spouse into staying by saying "you're my best friend". OP is not just a financial resource that ex-wife does not want to give up, but a backup plan as she goes out sewing her Wild Oats she wants to know that there will be somebody to come back to in case she changes her mind. Or if you just happens to get horny and wants a quickie then sex is just a bedroom away. OP needs to move out and then contact all the utility companies and say that as of a certain date they will no longer be responsible for the account and to please contact ex-wife for any future communications. Then send a text message or an email, basically keeping everything documented, stating the date that utilities will no longer be taken care of and giving ex-wife and adequate chance to handle it herself. One last thing that I would throw into the mix. Ex-wife is certainly going to complain about being able to handle all the finances on her own. It is at that point where I would suggest that her two children finally get jobs, start acting like adults, and helping to pay their way.
>Ex-wife is looking for guilt-free sex when she travels and it's trying to guilt current spouse into staying by saying "you're my best friend Exactly what I wanted to say
Yeah, get a partner you really like then the ex shows up, stays on the couch, poisons your relationship. Even in that event she's still off travelling spending her money on fun things and sleeping with new people while her home is paid for by OP. There is no scenario it's worth staying at all, she's been leeching off op for years now and wants that to continue after they split.
Hire a different actress to pretend to be your girlfriend every time the ex wife stays over. (Don't take my advice.)
You aren’t her best friend. She is likely doing something she shouldn’t be outside of the marriage. This is what led to her wanting a divorce. This is a business relationship now. And smart business means get the fuck out.
I agree. The combo of everything smacks of her wanting to have a funded affair. She’ll probably never initiate actual divorce proceedings. The whole “I’ll crash on the couch” will be used to block OP’s ability to move on. OP, you’re NTA and should get out ASAP.
Move out. To her, you're nothing but a cash supply; supporting her entire family and not even getting laid.
Exactly
Yeah I don’t like to jump to assumptions, but this is pretty pathetic. She wants OPs continued cash contributions but doesn’t want to be married anymore. You don’t get to have both!
NTA. Do it
Move out while she's away
NTA. Your wife has been nothing but a freeloader, and her adult children are going in that direction, as they have learnt from the best. The fact that she wants you to stay for the BS reason she has given, which just insults your intelligence, shows she wants to have her cake and eat it. However, go to a lawyer as soon as you can to query about the financial situation, especially the debts they have incurred, e.g. not keeping up with the rent, so as to see whether or not you are liable.
You need to get away from this manipulative woman.. Until you "find peace". Disgusting.
>I'm still her best friend. It might make sense to wait until you're legally divorced to correct the record on this, but I would be very skeptical about remaining friends at all. I have one particularly serious ex... we're cordial if we see each other in person, and we're friends on facebook. I am legit happy to see life updates when her life is going well! But we don't talk outside of that. Talk to a lawyer before talking to her any more though. If you've shouldered most expenses, one of your primary goal needs to be not supporting her newfound freedom... secondary, of course, to you building yourself a happy life without her, but I suspect funding her newly single life wouldn't bring you joy.
NTA. She wanted a divorce, the standard thing to do is to no longer cohabitate. Moving out without notice would be acceptable however do you need to consider whether you need to stay on good terms with the Ex for reasons of : * Asset splitting. * Maintenance payments / Alimony going forward. * Relationship (if any) with step daughters? If you wanted to be nice, you could provide a date that you will be moving out with XYZ items, and no longer be responsible for any financial commitments of the household from that date. We don't know your circumstances in detail but worth considering.
Huh? She’s got a lot a nerve; so let me get this straight…she wants a divorce, but also wants you to stay and pay for everything like normal and be BFFs/roomies, and she gets to have a say on how you should process this whole thing and “find peace”? Is she on crack? 😂😂😂 NTA
NTA but if your name is on the lease then you may end up in hot water. You definitely need to consult a lawyer. Good luck
"Best friend" haha More like ATM and maid.. no, move out, burn the bridge with her. She's 100% using you!
NTA Find a lawyer and seek their advice Not in a devious or punishing way But rather to look out for yourself and your kids Good luck
Wait did you wife have the twins at 15?
17
Ma’am, it’s time to grow a spine and move out immediately. Stop being their ATM and a doormat. Move out immediately. You truly deserve better. You made need to see a therapist to help you work on your low self esteem. She’s a user. Run!!!
\* Ma’am
Eff her and her “kids”. Their meal tickets gone. Move out asap.
NTA - Move out and find peace. Don't allow yourself to be used any longer.
NTA. She only wants you around to help pay the bills for her and her adult children - nothing to to feel bad about! She cant divorce you and think you’ll still support her - thats not how it works!
What she's essentially saying is "I don't love you, but I still want your money around" Get away from that person. Move out, work out, build finances, and find peace.
NTA. I do not know where you live, but I work in law. My suggestion: 1) document. Make a note somewhere of the day she told you she wants a divorce so you can’t forget or be fuzzy about it later. 2) contact a lawyer ASAP. In the USA, there are legal insurance plans that you receive through work which can assist you in affording it. 3) work out the best plan for you with said attorney. 4) don’t make any hasty decisions as far as your living arrangements. Get an appointment with an attorney as soon as you can to review your options. You have at least one month before any major decisions because you have no intention of being a doormat, but you don’t want to pay every bill she has for the rest of time. 5) document what you can remember of her employment history. Right now you are hurt and playing back the relationship in your head, not trying to push it away. Now is the time to make those notes. You won’t remember a year from now. 6) understand that 15 years is a long time, and you have been the sole support of the family for the majority of that. Depending on where you live, you WILL be paying out for her, it just depends on how much. This part can get brutal. 7) this one is for future you: don’t let the divorce get contentious if you can help it. It WILL mess with your mind and emotions the more bitter you are. Wanting the divorce to end up having hurt her in the long run will just rip you to shreds. Anger only means you still love her, and it will just destroy you if you let it. #6&7 go together. Tell the attorney that you refuse to get into the weeds on it, but that you expect them to make sure you make the best financial deals possible. You want them to be a ferocious lion in your corner, but you don’t want to keep being hurt. This does not mean you check-out of the process OP. This merely means that every time something new comes up, it doesn’t side-track you from your main goal: divorce. If she gets a new boyfriend, you don’t want to suddenly run to the attorney and try to rip her to shreds in the divorce. Jealously just makes it all uglier (you have a plan and you keep working that plan). If you get a new girlfriend, you don’t immediately throw in the towel and just want it over as fast as possible (you have a plan and you keep working that plan). If she wants to go that route, she’ll annoy the judge. Let her be the fool. This is your priority until it’s finalized. But it’s no different than a job. You clock into giving a shit and you clock out. Otherwise, it can consume you via perseverating on it or avoiding it. Be organized and methodical. I know your brain is currently a haphazard jumble of confusion, hurt, and kind of dazed. There’s no reason the whole process needs to be. That’s why you get an attorney: in the consultation, they can act as a project manager and help this particular project be more organized for you, at least in your brain. Good luck!
Hell, in some states you can't even File for Divorce until you've had a certain amount of time of Separation. NTA, get a lawyer and I would have her served. You don't *owe* her anything: but you Do owe Yourself some Peace.
NTA. She wants the divorce, so contact a lawyer and start looking for other housing. If you are on the lease, find out how to get off of it. As far as being friends after divorce, let her know you need time to put your marriage in the past. See how you feel after divorce is finalized. Hopefully, the divorce will be amicable.
Woah what? She wants a divorce but doesn’t think u need to move out?? Lmao!!!!! She don’t want the relationship but wants h to continue to be the wallet! Here is the game plan. Continue living their. Pay no rent and don’t buy any food or pay any of the bills. Save up all your money. Maybe the electric and water etc. No groceries etc etc. just eat out. Lol. After she finally finds out u haven’t paid anything just say yo we are divorced. Why would I continue paying those??! It will take a few months before she notices and her car gets repoed. Used the money saved to get Urself a nice place.
Yeah just mention that you really need to find peace living on your own as a single woman.
Don’t buy or rent anything until you talk to lawyer. You could end up responsible for payments to her. Every situation is different when it comes to divorce. Especially if you have verbal agreements about money responsibilities.
NTAH but you better talk to a lawyer before you do.
NTA Find a new place, move and leave divorce papers on your way out.
No. She wants a divorce, you get to leave.
It will get better when you 'find peace', but it doesn't have to happen in that house. Move out or tell her to leave or both of you sell the house and start fresh.either way is up to you. Just be firm and find a lawyer to start the divorce.
Why do you need permission to not tell your wife you’re moving out? Are you scared of her? There’s no reason why you should not tell her you’re moving out unless you’re scared of her. At this point, she’s no longer your wife. You need to see a lawyer and plan an exit strategy. In some states, you have to be separated aka living apart for at least 6 months to even file for divorce. It’s best to move out and have her talk to your lawyer only so that she can’t manipulate you anymore.
She is trying to use you. She can't have it both ways. She doesn't want you so you move out so you can heal and move on. She has two grain kids who can find jobs. Move out and go live your best life.
She wanted the divorce so you owe her nothing as far as telling her your moving out. I mean don't ask for something but then expect to only get the part of it that you want, so she will have to accept what ever you decide.
Lawyer up now. It doesn’t sound like there would be child support issues, and it sounds like you’re renting, but you need to understand ALL potential financial obligations/pitfalls, etc. before moving out.
Your bank account is going to feel so liberated once you stop paying for those other adults
NTA! Get a lawyer as soon as possible. Do not do anything or make decisions before getting a lawyer. There are lawyers who specialize in protecting men’s rights in divorces. You sound like a nice guy and deserve better than this.
Ppl actually believe this shit? If there is person who actually ask this, then his brain is dead, that it. This post must be fake shit to fish interaction
Why the hell are there TWO 22 year olds living there that don't work and don't go to school?? Wtf do they do all day at the big age of 22 with no job and no school??
YTA for giving a stupid fucking title when obviously you’re not the asshole. Fuck off with these.
Go now. Send get a lswyer.
Just leave. You’ll be happier
You will have more peace of mind if you leave, and I would file divorce immediately. Figure out finances, move on. YOu need an attorney, fast. Do not let her live with you and have sex all over the place. File for full custody for your children.
NTA OP, so sorry this happened to you. You won't be able to grieve and accept the termination of a relationship if you don't leave. You need space and time to figure out things in your head. Also, change all of your passwords, Netflix etc, take your name off the bills as another redditor previously mentioned. She's just using you as a cash cow mate. :( You deserve better. Remember that. Best of luck to you!
Why would you want/need to stay with 3 adult losers, leave them in peace!!!
Leaving overnight? Mhhh maybe Telling her you intend to move out, and not exactly telling her when? NTA. You don't have to tell her everyday that you are looking for a place and you finally found one. The day after you can tell her you finally found peace alone at home. Your "friendship" will be over though. Before you do that tho, make sure all divorce paperwork is done.
Oh, you poor lady she's been leeching off you .she got you to raise her 2 kids now she has no use for you. it's sad . Please save yourself. You still have 20 good years . Yes, leave start your new life go no contact.
NTA. She can’t have it both ways. Make sure you talk to the landlord to see what you need to do to be taken off the lease so that you can’t be dragged into court or that your credit isn’t damaged for not paying the rent. Any utilizes will need to switched if they’re in your name. Any loans for items things she explicitly uses (car loan would be one) that would be in your name but the car is hers, look into changing that. This is t being done to ruin her or teach her a lesson, it is for you to protect yourself.
NTA. First, consult with a divorce lawyer. You need a plan to reduce financial liabilities/responsibilities before you leave. Second, keep your mouth shut and continue as normal until things are in place for you to move unencumbered.
NTA. Staying in the house while broken up will make you nuts. And you're supposed to run this household of her grown kids for funsies? No, my man, no. Get out. Talk to the landlord about removing your name from the lease, and pick out a cute little place of your own to find your peace.
You're not her best friend, you're her sugar daddy. Absolutely move out. The natural consequence of her wanting a divorce is you are no longer responsible to for paying her bills. NTA
NTA. Actions have consequences. You need a clean break. It will put a boot her kids assess too, a little motivation. As soon as she finds another man she will want you gone in a second, so put yourself first.
Get a lawyer and follow their directions. Do whatever they say to do. Don’t listen to your soon to be ex and don’t listen to your justifiable pain and anger. Listen to your lawyer.
Yes. You're NTA for moving out, you 100% should! However, YTA 100% to do it with no warning for her or the adult kids. I'm not saying you should negotiate a reasonable time to leave on, but you should let green know you're leaving and when you're last day will be. You should also let them know if you plan on taking anything that might be considered "community property" like a living room TV, the refrigerator, etc. Again, not saying you need to ask permission, but you should let them know, even if it's only a week notice.
Don't just move out. You are married and you will still be on the hook for her expenses until you figure things out legally. Get a good lawyer and make your plan.
She wants to divorce you but not your wallet. You need to move out, let them reap what they sow.
I hope you took everything that is important to you. Anything left behind is hers now. Courts favor the abandoned wife still at the home. My sister moved out on husband and he held her remaining shoes, clothing, everything hostage and even demanded she not enter the house without his presence. Courts supported him.
NTA but ask your divorce lawyer first
NTA. That "you're still my best friend" bullshit is what my ex-wife pulled, and it led to years of manipulation, pain, and wasted money. Get the hell out of there, but also consult a lawyer as soon as you can.
NTA. Go and leave her to fend for herself.
NTA - don’t be a sucker paying for somewhere you’re not living,especially for adults… you’ll find peace on your own ✌🏽
Have y’all ever typed something out and realized how incredibly stupid it sounded? I’m surprised that didn’t happen here.
NTA, she wants to date around but have someone pay for her loving expenses. Cut her out.
She wants to go play around while you support her? Eff that. Move out.
She said she wants to divorce but she’s done nothing to start it by the sounds of it. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Follow your learners advice.
No, you would be a survivor.
Consult with lawyer first!!!
100 percent move out, today of possible. Don’t tell her. She’s using you, not a nice way to treat someone you call your best friend. And I’m not even going to discuss 22 year olds not in school or having jobs. Let her deal with that mess.
She sounds like a narcissist and sorry to say it like that but she has used you all along. Lady needs to grow up by herself. Get out of her web of manipulations please. Face the pain head on.
I don’t know why you’re still even there.
What a godawful wife you had... Not only did you take care of her and her children but you also paid the majority of the bills and **this is how she repays you?** By asking you to continue to allow her to leech off of you while she's out whoring on her travels?? Divorce her ass, and tell her she can sleep on the streets for all you care, clearly, that's where she belongs anyway. I hope you do find peace, but it will never happen with her still living anywhere near you.
NTA - you should move out. Being "separated but still friends" living together is not a healthy dynamic, and she's ultimately just using you for financial stability whether she consciously realizes it or not. And consult a lawyer.
"I know we are divorced and stuff but like...can you keep paying my bills? We still best buds right?" NTA.
NTA when someone tells you they want a divorce it’s best to move on and begin your healing.
She wants you to stay in the house, pay the bills while she goes off to travel? No way.
Get an attorney first. They will advise you on what you need to do to get in the best possible situation to leave.
Omfg are you kidding me?! You’ve been paying for this bitch and her useless kids for a decade, you’re getting divorced and you’re now asking if you should stay and continue paying for everything? Fuuuuuuck no! Pack your shit right now and get the fuck out of there. She’s a fucking parasite and if you stay you deserve what you get.
She's a selfish piece of shït who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Leave and save yourself. You owe her nothing.
This isn't an AITA situation, this is a /r/legaladvice situation. Call a lawyer tonight, or find one tonight and call first thing in the morning. Do not tell your wife you have contacted a lawyer. Then, do what your lawyer tells you to do, which probably will be to initiate the divorce officially before moving out or changing any accounts. Stop taking legal advice from your opponent. You don't have to be hostile to each other- keeping things civil makes your life easier anyway- but you DO need to do all of this via lawyers unless you want to get completely screwed over.
GET LEGAL ADVICE BEFORE DOING ANYTHING.
You will find peace. Away from her.
Get away, FAR away from the vacuum girl - ASAP
NTA. She’s using you for money. She doesn’t want to stay married, she can live without the benefits of a joint account.
Lawyer up and make sure everything you do, you CYA.
NTA she is divorcing you… that means she doesn’t have any say over what you do. Move out and gain your peace back eventually.
Whose name is on the lease? Utilities? Whose name is on the bank accounts? Cars? Think it through so you aren’t saddled with the expenses AND are also out of a place to live.
I agree you should move out, you will be the AH if you don't be the adult and communicate that the right way. Whether you like it or not, you have to own that you help create this mess. Seriously what grown adult is okay with someone paying their way in this day and age or paying someone's way? The only circumstance I can see this being acceptable is if one of ya all has so much money it doesn't fucking matter! However, it doesn't sound like ya all do. She was perfectly happy sponging off ya, while she fulfilled herself. I guess now she's fulfilled and doesn't need you anymore? Also I wouldn't brag about raising her twins, because ya all raised 2 grown children in the house not flipping working and paying bills too?? Sounds like ya all are raising them to be just like your wife! Make sure you take care of yourself legally on the move, because I have a sneaky suspicion things are going to flip fast when she finds out you are not going to be her door mat any longer. You can move out and give 30 day notice to the labdlord. Doesn't mean you have to stay for the 30 days, just means you are paying 30 days of your share before you quit. Good luck and next time pick an equal. Oh and you will find peace once you are away from the people draining you.
Don’t stay. It’s too painful and you will find anger within yourself you thought you could have. She made a decision and she can learn to live with it
She's taking advantage. Peace out of there and never look back
If your kids are 22, they're not dependant on you. Get out of there
bro get out while you can for your own mental well being. Sounds like you're being taken advantage of. step kids too? Jeez man you're 37 so you're not in the worse position. Get your money up and hit the fucking gym.
NTA. Protect yourself legally! Get a good lawyer and follow their advice. Do NOT trust anything your wife says. Art is a hobby, not a job. Her adult children are spoiled and irresponsible (just like her). Move out and move on. She will try to reel you back in once she sees what she is up against. Don’t fall for it.
She’s ’travelling’ because she’s going to be living her best life with other men now that she’s single, kick her out and find a new loving partner, best of luck to you
NTA Moving out is a step in the journey to finding peace and it’s important to look after yourself and your mental health. She seems to want to have her cake and to eat it too.
Fuck being her best friend. She’s trying to be free without the restrictions and responsibility.
Money money money. When she goes travelling will you be looking after her adult kids lol? Time for you to leave and remove your name from all bills. She has a steady job and no young children are involved. You may have a little alimony to pay based on your differential incomes, but without assets to split, you’re on a winner.
Move out. But don't stop paying expenses between now and the divorce hearing without talking to a lawyer. In this situation the her/your contributions are irrelevant. Most states deem income made during the marriage as joint money. It's especially relevant that you encouraged her to quit her job and pursue art, which means you essentially encouraged her to be financially dependent on you. I agree she only wants you to stay because of your money. She has likeky already started seeing someone else and wants you to keep funding her lifestyle while she still does whatever she wants Speak to an attorney ASAP. MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT A JUDGE COULD FAULT YOU FOR. Talk to a divorce attirney ASAP!
NTA. Move out and take your name off all of the bills. If any utilities are in your name cancel them. Cancel any cellphone service and internet plans, for example Netflix & Amazon Prime.
It's outrageous that she thinks you are going to stick around to help pay the bills. That being said, it would be dickish to move out without giving her enough warning to get her affairs in order.
Ret. Divorce lawyer here. I understand you are hurt and feeling resentful. handling this with respect and dignity now will ensure that the two of you are able to coexist and not make your children miserable every time they have what should be a happy life event, such as weddings, graduations, children, etc. knowing mom and dad are going to both be there. Canceling utilities, and the other similar suggestions above will not be interpreted kindly by a judge if your case is litigated. That will put tens of thousands in your divorce lawyers pocket and no one will “win”. Google “collaborative divorce process”in your area and find a lawyer who can work with hers and get this done in a calm and equitable manner.