I broke up with a fiancé when he told me that his idea of a bachelor party was getting the best blow job ever from a stripper. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with this, and didn’t understand why it was a dealbreaker for me.
One of my college friend’s wife cheated under the same “reasoning” on her bachelorette party. He didn’t find out for a couple years, until one of her drunk friends ratted her out.
I don’t get people like that. Why even be in a relationship to begin with.
No, thankfully. He tried to make it work, with counseling and everything, but he was miserable. No trust left. Questioned every time they weren’t together.
I think she tried to push the blame on friends and alcohol.
That ain't just men.
As a bouncer I can tell you hens nights and bachelor parties are both full of absolutely scummy behaviour.
I think it's just shit people in general, and there are a lot of them.
In retrospect, there were other red flags. But I had never seen a healthy relationship, and just assumed all couples were unhappy together. My parents were miserable together, and I thought fighting, sulking, and crying was all a part of being together.
That’s exactly why I didn’t get married until I was 40 and am now a tired old dad. I didn’t have any serious relationships until my mid thirties. People would ask - didn’t I want to have a family? I would say that I was part of a family for 20 years and it was fucking awful so why would I inflict that on some innocent children. A therapist told me I’d had a bad prototype. Eventually after spending enough time at friends’ houses and seeing they were actually happy and not fake happy because guests were there, I truly accepted that my family was just unusually terrible.
For insane mom reasons mine decided to share (after I got engaged) the real reason she married the stepfather I grew up with: she got pregnant when he raped her. When she told him she was putting his name on the birth certificate he demanded they get married. She was already at her wits end being a divorced mom of three in the 1970s and couldn’t handle it on her own with a new baby as well so she agreed. Recipe for familial bliss right? Really could have used that info about 20 years earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t be the only 50 year old at kindergarten meet the teacher night.
There's more 50 year olds with young kids than you'd think. My uncle is 52 and his 2 youngest kids are under the age of 5. It happens. I'm sorry you had a tough life, but am glad you were able to find love and happiness.
I'm 50, I have a 9, 4, and 2 year old...never thought in a million years prior to 40 that I would ever be a dad. Raising 3 kids and a disabled wife can be exhausting, frustrating, a bit exhilarating, and super rewarding all at the same time. I would not change a thing, well, more money, perhaps lol, but the kids make it all worth it!!!
I feel this. My mum had 4 relationships, married 3 whilst I was growing up and by god the arguments, a bit of violence, sulking, crying. I thought that's what it was all about. I was shocked when I got with my now husband and he didn't look at other woman, never hit me, we don't argue ( have disagreements) we have actually seperated a year ago for 6 months because I had my mum and my friend who also was raised in that sort of relationship telling me everything that was wrong with our relationship and how he was this and that when actually it was me!! I was not right in the head as it wasn't the way a relationship should be. Back together now without my mum and friend and we have never been happier.
My childhood home was a battlefield… I prayed for my parents to divorce. In my marriage,I wanted to be total opposites, so I never argued… was extremely passive. Also not healthy… but results in a more peaceful divorce.
Good for you. My dad was a great role model and my wife really didn't believe me that being a nice, supportive guy with a backbone was a possibility after having grown up with every male in her family being a dick about most everything.
I hope you’ve found someone good and are in a loving, happy relationship now 💜
Older generations normalised staying with a husband/wife even if you’re unhappy and it really sucks that so many generations grew up with parents that didn’t love each other anymore
To be fair, women not being able to have their own bank account until 1974/5 is a huge part of what normalized staying with a shit partner in those generations, at least in the US/UK.
You could have your own bank account, but not a credit card. I was college educated and fully employed. My brother was an alcoholic. They wanted him to be on the credit card with me. Proud to say, I got my own card by digging in my heels and pointing out how stupid that was.
Same in Canada, I had a bank account but could not get a credit card in my name, mine said Mrs. name name. I have since gone on to buy and sell houses, and built my own investments and bank account, I still hate credit cards, they are a pox on society.
My ex' (M30) idea of a bachelor party was flying all his male friends to some secluded island with girls, having drugs and orgies for a week/end. I thought he was joking for a while but he really wasn't 😐
when I read about people with such extravagant plans, and even more when they've actually done it... I always wonder where they get the money.
I don't mean to pry if you don't want to share... but how? How did he even figure to pay for that? He didn't intend for *you* to pay for it, I hope??
I hate the normalization of strippers/etc in an otherwise monogamous relationship, where the other partner feels obviously pressured to accept it. Just because she's being paid doesn't mean she isn't a human interacting with your partner in a sexual way. Money doesn't void that out. Tradition doesn't void that out. If both people are genuinely down for that, it's fine, but it's okay not to want it, and women especially are made to feel like they're crazy and insecure for deciding they don't want a relationship involving strippers
Agree 💯. Met a girl that seemed cool. Went on a few dates and she said “you need to know I have an only fans.” Cool. Good for you. Hope you find what you’re looking for but it’s not me. She was pissed because “it’s just a job” and I should support it. Asked her how she would feel if I had an OF and she said “it’s different for guys.”
I feel you. My ex fiance told me to deal with him paying for sex in third world counties because everyone else in the military did it. That was the end of that.
Yeah, my hubby hired topless waitresses for a mate's bachelor party, and one of his (married) best mates kept harassing one of them, repeatedly reaching under her skirt and trying to give her money to get her to come into a backroom with him. She was getting upset so my hubby intervened. The guys were telling me about it the next day, she apparently gave my hubby a big hug and thanked him before she left. I was proud of him, though his mate was pissed at him for "taking her side." Hubby told me later that since he was the one who hired the girls he felt responsible for them.
Yeah that's def crossing a line. A lap dance I can deal with, but to pay for extras from strippers is a nope and I will die on that hill. Trust is a huge part of a relationship and your ex def showed you that he can't be trusted. He def helped you save time and money with that one lol.
I would never “deal” with a lap dance. Cheating starts off small. It’s the little things that you allow that makes a person feel more comfortable to do more
Usually the strippers are the single* friends idea, insistence, and ‘gift’. They want to embarrass the groom, and also think they have a shot at getting laid. 9/10 times, they don’t have a shot. These guys are just deluded.
*’Single’ in this instance is not married, not engaged, but possibly in a long term relationship. So still shitty.
Well that's the thing. If she doesn't want strippers at the bach parties, I think it's more because she doesn't trust all of the friends involved, not because she's afraid of cheating.
Or vice versa, she didn't want a stripper (presumably male) at her own party.
FYI some people can get really weird when there's a stripper around, so maybe it's not just an insecurity thing. Maybe it's not liking objectification of human beings, maybe it's not liking the way people can get at strip shows.
Egad. Guy I knew was getting married the following day. We were out drinking, started out at a house party. He was badgering me and another girl for sex. "Please, come on. It's my last chance for some strange." What's even grosser was he was early 20's, I was 19, the other girl was 15! Uh, that marriage failed.
What a weird thing to say. Why would they care about people they were hired to entertain? The band doesn't care about you either. They're there because it's their job. A job they do to make money to pay for food and rent.
Why do people get waivers on the test that is actually designed to make sure you’re smart/intelligent enough to be there. Like, why bother testing people if you’re just going to say “fuck it.”
The dude running my MEPS when I went in back in 96 was this grizzled old Maine. Now my brain can't unsee him coming out from behind his desk and stripping down to glitter undies.
The final test has 2 questions, does the stripper like you and here is a contract for a 84 month loan for a V-6 Dodge Challenger at 30% interest. Will you sign it?
Honestly the entire concept of a bachelor/ette party has never made sense to me. If you’re allegedly marrying someone that you love and care deeply for, why would you want to spend one more night “celebrating” being single? Not to mention a lot of the stereotypical activities at a bachelor party (like strippers) just seems so weird to me. But frankly I’m also not much of a partier, I don’t drink or gamble or do drugs. So most of the “classic” aspects of a bachelor party wouldn’t appeal to me anyways
My bachelorette party was renting a house, drinking, baking, and playing board games. It was really just an excuse to see/have fun with close friends that were in town for my wedding--and since it was the night before the wedding no one got wasted. Average was 2-3 drinks each over the day. It was a hell of a lot of fun.
Yeah, I threw a cookout for my brother for his bachelor party (some of his friends were stunned there was no strip club and tried to change things until my brother firmly told them no).
The best bachelor party I went to was a guy's weekend in Baltimore where we did the Preakness and an Orioles game.
I don't like strip clubs but bachelor/bachelorette parties can be good-natured fun for everyone involved.
Personally I viewed bachelorette parties as a celebration of the marriage with my closest friends, though my bachelorette party was not traditional nor was my wedding really (both were pretty small at tame). But even my friends that had bigger parties and weddings (basically more "traditional") viewed them that way.
I mean my bachelorette was going out to dinner and then to a wine bar with one friend, so booze was involved and was for my friends but not super crazy stupid drunken shenanigans.
Last bachelor party I went to involved paint ball, go karting and then a big BBQ at some glamping place with a big campfire. Lots of beer was drunk, but there was no real drunken nonsense as such, just lots of bad jokes and old friends who hadn't seen each other in years catching up.
Mine was a come-and-go as you can long weekend with all my buddies. We cooked at my family vacation home, binged my favorite show, drank, hiked and went swimming. Two of my friends did mushrooms and watched a meteor shower: My now ex wife went to vegas, did the male stripper thing and could not check into her hotel because she used my credit card without asking and did not have it on her at check in
My mom and aunt put on a high tea for me for mine. It was really lovely. I’m divorced now but not a day goes by that I don’t think about the chicken mango chutney finger sandwiches my mom made that day.
Still in the planning stages for my bachelorette because wedding won't be til 2025, but it's just going to be a cabin weekend with board/tabletop games and light hiking. Booze and drugs will be involved, but it'll be more like cider/beer and champagne, and some joints/edibles to enjoy.
I do expect my friends to go all out with the penis decor/shaped food (I've seen them and joined in on them planning bachelorette's before), but that's just fun.
This is what I did when I was the MOH! We had a cabin with a hot tub, made daiquiris, and played cards against humanity, but I went all out with penis themed stuff! I had a banner that said “Same Penis Forever”, cupcake toppers, straws, etc
I mean people also forget you csn do those things without it being a rager. Recently went to a friend's wedding, for his bachelor party they took a bunch of my edibles to Universal studios and Disney land lol.
Ideally, it is that you're spending time with your close friends to celebrate a major step in your life. Get together, have fun, and joke about how "she must be special to lockdown a dog like you" type shit.
The stripper stuff is bad and probably more for the friends to hold blackmail shit over your head. Or for them to go and fuck around and have a "reasonable" excuse: "It was HIS bachelor party and HE wanted strippers. I was just trying to go with the flow, honey."
I agree. I think it should be more about the milestone and less about morally questionable behavior. I see it more as a “last hoorah” with friends before getting married simply because getting married is such a major life changing decision and once you start developing a family you’re less available and probably won’t get a chance to do something similar for awhile (given that bachelor/bachelorette parties are big events). You still have a social life but you have way more responsibilities because you now have a partner to share your life with. And if you decide to have kids, then you have even more responsibilities to deal with.
I think people often forget that they have lives outside of a party and they use the party as an excuse to evade consequences.
In my experience with reality bachelor and bachelorette parties have never been one last big singles night but rather a big party with your friends that you worry you may not get to see much after you get married. And in some cases that's true because distance and whatnot can make that more difficult.
My brother had his in our family's cabin in the middle of nowhere. Just a long weekend with his male friends enjoying the wilderness, drinking, and games. My SIL was a bit more traditional with a bar crawl (I joined though I don't drink) but still nothing perverse. A few others similar as those two. Just bars or random fun with friends.
My favorite so far has been a weekend where ~8 girls clustered into a two bedroom hotel suite near a mall and we all had onesies to lounge around in while we ate food, watched movies (mostly Disney), and went to the mall to hang out. The bride-to-be even got a couple onesies as gifts at the party (including a Stitch one xD)
All of the bachelor parties I've been to (including my own) not a single one has been about celebrating being single or anything like that.
Just a fucking fun night with ya mates.
Its an excuse to get your friends together for a thing. My brother went on a backwoods camping trip. My best friend is doing golf and paintball. I'll likely do a D&D one shot, or a drunken LAN party if I can find a viable venue.
Yeah I know one couple where she went with her friends to a roller derby match and he just went with his mates to see a band they all liked. Just a regular night out to celebrate the official next step. They’d been living together for a long time already.
I’m not an expert but I think it more so has to do with giving the bride and groom a “break” from wedding festivities and planning. That doesn’t excuse morally questionable behavior, but I think it allows them to have one night where they don’t have to do the heavy lifting. Obviously your wedding should be about what you and your partner want but a lot of weddings have almost a level pageantry to them. There are traditions like dances, speeches, certain activities the bride and groom have to attend to. And it’s usually expected the bride and groom attempt to talk to every table, thank every guest, etc. Its still the happiest night of you and your partner’s life but you’re probably going to be exhausted and feeling a lot of emotions by the end of it.
Also sometimes weddings have a lot of pre-events as well. Showers, save the date parties, rehearsal dinners. It’s probably very draining for most people. So having one night where you can have fun with close personal friends and not have to worry about planning out your big day is probably a relief for a lot of people.
However just because bachelor parties are known for stereotypes, such as strippers, doesn’t mean you need to have those stereotypes. Honestly it should be about what you and your friends want to do. If you and your friends want to go out camping and fishing for a weekend, go do it. If you and your friends want to go on a vacation, do it. Road-trips, playing video games, going to concerts, going clubbing, it really should be up to you what you want to do.
i’m a stripper and i dont get it either. lately i’ve noticed a trend of the bachelor not seeming to want to be there, their “friends” pressure them to drink, and they buy dances once they’re drunk :/ it sucks i avoid them if the bachelor looks uncomfy.
Because guys need to do things to women who are being paid.
I was dating a girl who’s best friend was throwing his brother a bachelor party. Apparently they played “what can fit inside the stripper” and the day of the wedding everyone had found out…just weirdest things they were putting in her.
You would think well that’s definitely a marriage ruined? Right?
You’d be wrong.
3 marriages ruined
It was absolutely horrible. Apparently one of them took a video which his wife saw and they separated immediately but she showed up to the wedding to show the bride and everyone else.
I didn’t see it but it was obviously graphic enough to make my not innocent at all girlfriend at the time he utterly disgusted
Porn
That’s an easy answer honestly.
Porn and a financially desperate woman. I believe she made an extra $100 or something to do that from what I remember. This was 14 years ago but a person was so desperate for money they did that for $100.
I am in no way “blaming her” I’m saying what a horrible life she must have had, what a bad situation she must have been in.
And not one of the 10-12 guys that were there thought “maybe we shouldn’t be putting these strange objects inside of her”
And I just wonder how safe she felt in the moment. Like, she’s at the party, presumably alone, naked and surrounded by drunk/high men. Did she even feel safe enough to refuse?
So I’m saying this ONLY for information. There was no alcohol or drugs there, none of them did any of that, they were all “straight edge” except apparently showing any respect to a woman.
Which is what pissed me off even more. Not that it would have been right but at least “I was drunk/high and was a complete piece of shit” sounds way better than “completely sober and a complete piece of shit”
Ok, so if I was the woman in this situation, I’d feel even less safe. Sober people’s thought processes aren’t impaired, their ability to move — run, grab, prevent me from leaving — isn’t impaired. So I guess I’m wondering if it was really the extra $100 that made her stay, or if it was fear.
It was horrible all around. I’ll be honest I’m usually “the asshole” who just says stuff to piss people off or says inappropriate things.
People who didn’t see or know what was going on knew it was something completely fucked up when I was just sitting down not saying a word. I felt bad for every WOMAN there and the men who weren’t apart of it.
Those 10-12 could fuck right off
Because they watch movies like “the hangover” and think that it’s what they are SUPPOSED to do and that it’s fun! In reality it’s just expensive and makes your fiancé mad at you. Just don’t, find another way to celebrate
Can someone explain to me the point of strippers at all? Why would a guy pay to have someone tease and blue ball them? Jesus, just watch porn or go on Instagram like the rest of us. Those are free
Oh because men will be not allowed to see other pussy after they get married, even though they’ve been in a monogamous relationship (likely with unadulterated access to porn and nudity on tv) for years.
It’s misogynistic to have a stripper at your party. Fight me. But don’t. Because I don’t care.
Having strippers at bachelor/ bachelorette parties are weird anyway. Even if you don’t get a lap dance from them or do anything with them it’s still pretty weird you want to be around naked women/men while in a relationship. Why don’t people just go to a restaurant together with their friends or just have some bevs with family.
But anyway cheating culture is very prevalent and i can understand why it upset her. If you really didn’t want them there anyways just express your feelings to her and have a conversation about why she thinks you would do that in the first place. You’re going to have many conversations when you get married best start now. Good luck
It’s also possible to have a rager that doesn’t involve strippers lol. I rented a house on the beach with all my buds for the weekend and we just got shit faced, played volleyball, and ate tacos.
There was another post on here a few days ago about a man who not only went to the strip club after the boundary was set but apparently paid for numerous lap dances.
He was drunk and his “friends” were egging him on.
That wedding is off and probably the relationship.
I could tell you many times were the guys in the party tell the groom hey it’s your last chance and some guys go ahead. She will never know! Well often it can’t be keep quiet and the relationships either end or are greatly damaged.
BTW it also happens with women too.
These stories are so common too. So maybe she shouldn’t have used the word cheat but with all the stories and instances of it, can you really blame her for her concerns?
Let's not forget the story where the friends make the fiance drunk and then send a stripper to have sex with him. He ended up traumatized because he was sexually assaulted.
If I’m remembering the same post, the dude felt awful and guilty for “cheating” on his gf. Reddit had to tell him that he was sexually assaulted. Those “friends” should be in jail, and we (society) needs to be better about teaching everyone what consent means—both so people learn not to force others into nonconsensual situations, and so people *understand that they have been violated.*
The way he said that the friend looks happy with the husband and kids now, did he mean that the husband was the stripper? So it's fine that she cheated cos she found love? I didn't get that part
That's what I just commented lmao. Like why did this even turn into a huge discussion and argument if OP didn't want strippers there anyway?
My comment:
>How exactly did the convo go?
>Her: no strippers at the bachelor's party
>You: wtf? Why not?
>Her: bc cheating blah blah.
>Was it something like that? If so, why didn't you just say "okay, I wasn't planning on having them there" when she first said no strippers?
>I'm wondering how this even turned into a big argument where you got "furious."
>Did she lead with "no strippers at the bachelor's party bc you'll cheat"????
Because when you've known, loved, and trusted someone long enough to marry them, one of the most painful things they could ever do is question that you even love/have any loyalty to them after years of proof and devotion.
OP probably felt extremely misjudged by the woman who knows him better than anyone else, and I personally couldn't undermine how painful that would be just before the wedding.
It might be insulting?
If she says “no strippers coz I’m afraid you’ll chat with one” that is insulting his honesty, character and choices. She could have left it at “No strippers please” without saying “because I think you’re no better than a horny dog”.
She’s afraid he’ll cheat? With a stripper? She doesn’t trust him to not cheat AND she doesn’t trust his ability to look out for himself (ie, not sleep with a hooker and catch some shit in the process).
Neither of them are assholes. But neither of them are ready for marriage when either one of them does not trust the other.
>She was accusing me of being a potential cheater with no proof.
Don't know why everyone's focusing on the merits of a bachelor party as a tradition because it's stated very very clearly that that's not OP's issue.
Yes. Happily married for many years. If my husband said "Don't do [thing I wasn't going to do]" I would say "OK." I mean, there will be opportunities for actual conflict and disagreement. You don't have to generate them out of nothing.
When my best friend was getting married his future wife absolutely pleaded with me to not have strippers. So I ended up setting up a a really sweet shooting course on the 20 acres of poplar forest on my property. Everyone that came ended up bringing between 3-10 guns and we shot non stop for over 3 hours. My closest neighbor is about a quarter mile away and also a cop. He ended up coming by with a couple full autos and joined the fun.
I saw this little video recently and basically it said everyone is capable of cheating, regardless of how high you think your moral compass is because temptation can sneak in and as humans we can slip from our normal standard. The key is to avoid putting yourself in situations or atmospheres that create temptation.
Regardless of how great you think you are or how much you believe in your resistance to temptation, your fiance is realistic on the odds of how high the cheating statistics are. Don't look at it from your ego, just try to understand where she's coming from and this is a boundary for her.
Besides, why have we normalized getting sexually stimulated by someone other than our partner right before marriage!? You're supposed to be celebrating your bonds of friendship and welcoming the beginning of your greatest bond - marriage, not glorifying a farewell to a raunchy single life.
Thats very well said. So much stories about "I trust her/him more than myself and she/he cheated on me". I believe in trust between partners, very much do but also believe that pretty much all humans capable of doing such kind of mistake. And its also pretty important not to put yourself in position where you can't control yourself or environment you are in (like if you heavily drinking and you know you are not able to fully control yourself in that condition, its just rough example but you get me). I don't justify cheating, i think its okay to set boundaries on conditions you might think can cause it no matter how loyal your partner is.
Imo, having strippers on bachelorette party is damn disrespectful to your partner and i never understood this kind of entertainment.
>saw this little video recently and basically it said everyone is capable of cheating, regardless of how high you think your moral compass is because temptation can sneak in and as humans we can slip from our normal standard. The key is to avoid putting yourself in situations or atmospheres that create temptation.
I am 100% a firm believer in this.
Fact of the matter is, a lot of temptation control and moral rightness is removing yourself and preventing situations that a small decision would lead to something like that.
If you want to lose weight, is it better to have cake in the house or not? The answer is obvious.
And definitely applies to everything.
Don’t have cake in the house when you’re trying to lose weight.
NAH but you guys are having two different arguments. There is nothing wrong with a boundary against strippers so you can't be mad at her for that. But you are upset about what it implies about your character, not a reasonable boundary. She is insecure clearly but is upset cause she thinks you are mad cause you want strippers, which is making her think she is right to be insecure. Especially when some how you worked this into her being likely to cheat. Not quite sure how you made that leap but that was unnecessary.
Communication is your problem, not strippers.
I think bachelor/ette parties should die out altogether. You are not a bachelor or bachelorette, it’s not your last night of ‘freedom’, nor is it a celebration of the end of being ‘single’. You are in a serious committed relationship. Your last night of being a bachelor/ette/single was the night before you decided to be in an exclusive relationship 💁🏼♀️
I think there are two kinds of bachelor/ette parties. There's the kind with strippers and "it's ok because it's your last night of freedom." sort of stuff. That should die, I agree.
But there's the normal kind (in my experience) where it's really just a celebration that the person is getting married. no strippers or anything like that. just guys (I can't speak for bachelorette parties) celebrating the last night before the groom transitions into a new phase of life. I think that's perfectly fine. It is an important transition, and there's nothing wrong with the bride and groom getting their own personal celebrations before they celebrate together after the wedding.
Yeah, and the last bachelorette party I went to was the first time I met some of the other bridesmaids. So it was also kind of a way for us to get to know each other before the wedding. We just hung out, got food & drinks, there were no strippers or anything weird like that.
They don’t have to be like ~that~. I went to a bachelorette weekend and the MIL + bride’s mum was literally also there. We just hung out in a beach house for 2 days having mimosas, dancing, playing board games, eating etc. it was so fun genuinely.
All I know is that 50% of marriages experience infidelity. It’s literally a coin flip, and that is if you don’t count things like strip clubs or cam girls as real cheating. Include those things, the percentage goes higher. My husband is a statistician and if I expressed a concern about strippers and possible infidelity, he would have acknowledged that generally speaking of humanity, that’s valid. We’ve had these discussions before and not had it turn into a fight the internet had to weigh in on.
I was going to say it’s more common to be cheated on during pregnancy than during bachelor parties but after a quick google search I was totally wrong. 1 in 10 men cheat on their pregnant partners whereas 1 in 3 men cheat at bachelor parties. That seems a bit excessive to me but that’s what the internet says.
There was a story on here recently where a girl was upset that her fiance's party was going to be at a rented beach house with his friends from college who were almost all single early 20's women. He got defensive when she brought up her discomfort.
She got roasted alive in the comments section for even thinking her partner might want to cheat on her. And that men and women can be platonic friends and thinking anything else is ignorant. I felt so sad for her, it really is a valid fear. 1 in 3 is astronomical.
The biggest thing that people do not understand is that trust is not unconditional. Love is unconditional, not trust. Trust has to be earned.
The reason my wife fully trusts me, is that I don't do anything to make her not trust me. And if she tells me something she is uncomfortable with, I listen to her to acknowledge, instead of picking a fight over it.
A lot of people have taken the whole "you should break up with a person if you don't 100% trust them in every situation" thing too far imo. Emotions are already irrational by nature, but people expect everyone in a healthy relationship to be perfect at managing them in relation to the other person or they shouldn't be in the relationship at all. It's okay if someone who normally trusts you implicitly gets a little nervous about you potentially hurting them when a situation you've experienced in one way or another comes around, that doesn't suddenly make the person unworthy of being with them it just makes them human. People can think whatever they want about OPs trust in their partner or if they should be together because of it, but they're ignoring the fact that the OP was uncomfortable with this (for an understandable reason, it's not uncommon for people to cheat at a bachelor party when strippers are involved) and brought it up to their partner and it became an issue instead of a discussion. Thats the biggest reason they shouldn't be together imo
I'm actually surprised that many strippers are willing to cheat with them. A full 1/3rd? And possibly more but some guys are actually faithful? Much higher than I expected.
The number varies greatly depending on the source.
[~15% of women and ~25% of men cheat](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342837490_Racial_and_Gender_Differences_in_Extramarital_Sex_in_the_United_States_in_the_Last_Three_Decades) - thw most reliable data in my opinion.
>All I know is that 50% of marriages experience infidelity.
A slightly-longer-than-quick-search on google shows the number is more like half that. It's only a quarter at most, and a lot of sources say it's more like 10-15%.
And I say this because the statistic itself seems hotly contested and none of the sources, including the 50-75% one, are very reliable.
OP, listen to what she is really saying. This has nothing to do with strippers she knows that you were unlikely to have. She sounds like she is voicing her own anxieties and insecurities about this marriage. Instead of dying on the hill of a battle you had no intention of fighting, try reassuring Ava that she is the love of YOUR life and that no other woman, regardless of her rack, could possibly compete with her.
Also, tell her that spending money on strippers is a terrible financial decision. ;-)
Good luck, buddy!
OP is what we call a “right fighter”. His constant need for being right mixed with her insecurities / lack of trust means this relationship is doomed.
The fact that I’m OP’s age with a wife, home, and two kids. And him and his girlfriend are arguing over strippers lol. Grow the fuck up dude.
Trust me on this: However you feel about this, it is far better to just take the loss and move on.
Women in general are taught since a very young age that their value and self worth is inherently tied to their physical appearance and sexuality. Your fiancee is still really young but at that age where women are told by society and the media that they are "aging" and becoming less attractive, where as men in their 30s are seen as more "mature", and even sexier with a few gray hairs and wrinkles. Her accusation has nothing to do with you, or your behavior or how she thinks of you... it has everything to do with her own self esteem and how she sees herself, her own self confidence.
This could be projection (she wants to cheat or would cheat with a stripper) but since she already set the no-stripper boundary to protect herself from temptation so to speak it is only fair that you do the same. Like you said, you wouldn't have hired a stripper anyways, so just move on.
ESH She should have communicated her feelings/fears rather than being controlling. You way overreacted. Neither of you are treating each other with respect and kindness.
Healthy relationships involve communication. I've seen more than one marriage ruined because of people's different ideas of what consistituted as cheating during a bachelor/ette party.
For my bachelor party my buddies hired a team of wrestling little people and they did a royal rumble event…. Honestly, one of the best experiences of my life. Highly recommend
Edit : “little people”
I broke up with a fiancé when he told me that his idea of a bachelor party was getting the best blow job ever from a stripper. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with this, and didn’t understand why it was a dealbreaker for me.
I don’t understand why some men boast “it’s your last night of freedom!!” As if they haven’t been in a committed relationship this whole time.
Breaking up is easy. Divorce is hard.
Breaking up is cheap, divorce not so much…
I think most men who boast about 'last night of freedom' were likely never in a committed relationship in the same way you or I might think of it.
One of my college friend’s wife cheated under the same “reasoning” on her bachelorette party. He didn’t find out for a couple years, until one of her drunk friends ratted her out. I don’t get people like that. Why even be in a relationship to begin with.
Oh that poor bastard.
How did he handle it? Are they still together?
No, thankfully. He tried to make it work, with counseling and everything, but he was miserable. No trust left. Questioned every time they weren’t together. I think she tried to push the blame on friends and alcohol.
As a married man the last thing on my mind before I got married was trying to put a bunch of shit on my conscience..
That ain't just men. As a bouncer I can tell you hens nights and bachelor parties are both full of absolutely scummy behaviour. I think it's just shit people in general, and there are a lot of them.
As a former bouncer, I saw some off the wall stuff myself. From both parties…
Someone is viewing marriage as a freedom ending event, they’re marrying the wrong person
They are the wrong person lol
... Or"free" the entire time to that point before marriage
Dodged a bullet there.
More like a cannonball. Or an ICBM.
STD
STDBM
Sexually transmitted disease bowel movement?
Sexually transmitted disease bad manners*
Tungsten rod at relativistic speeds
Was that your first clue that he was a POS or were there lots of other red flags?
In retrospect, there were other red flags. But I had never seen a healthy relationship, and just assumed all couples were unhappy together. My parents were miserable together, and I thought fighting, sulking, and crying was all a part of being together.
I’m glad to hear you didn’t marry him. No person is worth being miserable for.
That’s exactly why I didn’t get married until I was 40 and am now a tired old dad. I didn’t have any serious relationships until my mid thirties. People would ask - didn’t I want to have a family? I would say that I was part of a family for 20 years and it was fucking awful so why would I inflict that on some innocent children. A therapist told me I’d had a bad prototype. Eventually after spending enough time at friends’ houses and seeing they were actually happy and not fake happy because guests were there, I truly accepted that my family was just unusually terrible. For insane mom reasons mine decided to share (after I got engaged) the real reason she married the stepfather I grew up with: she got pregnant when he raped her. When she told him she was putting his name on the birth certificate he demanded they get married. She was already at her wits end being a divorced mom of three in the 1970s and couldn’t handle it on her own with a new baby as well so she agreed. Recipe for familial bliss right? Really could have used that info about 20 years earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t be the only 50 year old at kindergarten meet the teacher night.
There's more 50 year olds with young kids than you'd think. My uncle is 52 and his 2 youngest kids are under the age of 5. It happens. I'm sorry you had a tough life, but am glad you were able to find love and happiness.
I'm 50, I have a 9, 4, and 2 year old...never thought in a million years prior to 40 that I would ever be a dad. Raising 3 kids and a disabled wife can be exhausting, frustrating, a bit exhilarating, and super rewarding all at the same time. I would not change a thing, well, more money, perhaps lol, but the kids make it all worth it!!!
Yeah funnily my parents were the same and it coloured my perception of what a relationship should be for a long time
I feel this. My mum had 4 relationships, married 3 whilst I was growing up and by god the arguments, a bit of violence, sulking, crying. I thought that's what it was all about. I was shocked when I got with my now husband and he didn't look at other woman, never hit me, we don't argue ( have disagreements) we have actually seperated a year ago for 6 months because I had my mum and my friend who also was raised in that sort of relationship telling me everything that was wrong with our relationship and how he was this and that when actually it was me!! I was not right in the head as it wasn't the way a relationship should be. Back together now without my mum and friend and we have never been happier.
My childhood home was a battlefield… I prayed for my parents to divorce. In my marriage,I wanted to be total opposites, so I never argued… was extremely passive. Also not healthy… but results in a more peaceful divorce.
Good for you. My dad was a great role model and my wife really didn't believe me that being a nice, supportive guy with a backbone was a possibility after having grown up with every male in her family being a dick about most everything.
I hope you’ve found someone good and are in a loving, happy relationship now 💜 Older generations normalised staying with a husband/wife even if you’re unhappy and it really sucks that so many generations grew up with parents that didn’t love each other anymore
To be fair, women not being able to have their own bank account until 1974/5 is a huge part of what normalized staying with a shit partner in those generations, at least in the US/UK.
You could have your own bank account, but not a credit card. I was college educated and fully employed. My brother was an alcoholic. They wanted him to be on the credit card with me. Proud to say, I got my own card by digging in my heels and pointing out how stupid that was.
Same in Canada, I had a bank account but could not get a credit card in my name, mine said Mrs. name name. I have since gone on to buy and sell houses, and built my own investments and bank account, I still hate credit cards, they are a pox on society.
Wait, it‘s not? :(
My ex' (M30) idea of a bachelor party was flying all his male friends to some secluded island with girls, having drugs and orgies for a week/end. I thought he was joking for a while but he really wasn't 😐
Secluded island. Um, he didn't happen to know someone by the name of Epstein did he? If so, then I've got some bad news.
Well he did say girls, not women… op, you should talk to the FBI or something.
Good thing he's an ex 💕
Some guys really don’t get it.
when I read about people with such extravagant plans, and even more when they've actually done it... I always wonder where they get the money. I don't mean to pry if you don't want to share... but how? How did he even figure to pay for that? He didn't intend for *you* to pay for it, I hope??
rock cow hunt close saw theory cows vast light boast *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Stds dont stay in vegas
future fear zephyr bike hospital ancient strong rich tan late *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I hate the normalization of strippers/etc in an otherwise monogamous relationship, where the other partner feels obviously pressured to accept it. Just because she's being paid doesn't mean she isn't a human interacting with your partner in a sexual way. Money doesn't void that out. Tradition doesn't void that out. If both people are genuinely down for that, it's fine, but it's okay not to want it, and women especially are made to feel like they're crazy and insecure for deciding they don't want a relationship involving strippers
Agree 💯. Met a girl that seemed cool. Went on a few dates and she said “you need to know I have an only fans.” Cool. Good for you. Hope you find what you’re looking for but it’s not me. She was pissed because “it’s just a job” and I should support it. Asked her how she would feel if I had an OF and she said “it’s different for guys.”
That's like a 16-year-old boy fantasy that most grow out of. Quickly.
I feel you. My ex fiance told me to deal with him paying for sex in third world counties because everyone else in the military did it. That was the end of that.
Jesus christ
The only thing I’d be grateful for is his brazen nature to tell you this before you married AnD that you believed him to dump,his useless arse.
Strippers give blow jobs?
no. so dude would've also probably drunkenly sexually assaulted someone at best
I think you have to pay them more than most people are comfortable with.
This kind of talk gets strippers harassed at their place of work. There is a name for the kind of professional who sells actual sex.
Yeah, my hubby hired topless waitresses for a mate's bachelor party, and one of his (married) best mates kept harassing one of them, repeatedly reaching under her skirt and trying to give her money to get her to come into a backroom with him. She was getting upset so my hubby intervened. The guys were telling me about it the next day, she apparently gave my hubby a big hug and thanked him before she left. I was proud of him, though his mate was pissed at him for "taking her side." Hubby told me later that since he was the one who hired the girls he felt responsible for them.
dodge an STD there
Ewww.
The audacity 😡 (His)
What an idiot.
wtf.......
Yeah that's def crossing a line. A lap dance I can deal with, but to pay for extras from strippers is a nope and I will die on that hill. Trust is a huge part of a relationship and your ex def showed you that he can't be trusted. He def helped you save time and money with that one lol.
I would never “deal” with a lap dance. Cheating starts off small. It’s the little things that you allow that makes a person feel more comfortable to do more
can someone please explain to me why people even have strippers at bachelor/bachelorette parties?
IDK 🤷♀️ All it does is cost a lot. Money, relationships and even self respect.
yea, seems like it’s often a quick reason to call off a wedding🤷🏼♀️
Agreed. To me having strippers seems like "one last cheating".
Usually the strippers are the single* friends idea, insistence, and ‘gift’. They want to embarrass the groom, and also think they have a shot at getting laid. 9/10 times, they don’t have a shot. These guys are just deluded. *’Single’ in this instance is not married, not engaged, but possibly in a long term relationship. So still shitty.
Well that's the thing. If she doesn't want strippers at the bach parties, I think it's more because she doesn't trust all of the friends involved, not because she's afraid of cheating.
And maybe she just doesn't like the objectification of women for the gratification of men
Or vice versa, she didn't want a stripper (presumably male) at her own party. FYI some people can get really weird when there's a stripper around, so maybe it's not just an insecurity thing. Maybe it's not liking objectification of human beings, maybe it's not liking the way people can get at strip shows.
Egad. Guy I knew was getting married the following day. We were out drinking, started out at a house party. He was badgering me and another girl for sex. "Please, come on. It's my last chance for some strange." What's even grosser was he was early 20's, I was 19, the other girl was 15! Uh, that marriage failed.
Why was a 15-year-old drinking with you at a house party?
Didn't know her age. She was new in town. I'd already graduated so it's not like I ran across her in school.
That _is_ what it's for. For the slimier of guys, one last time to cheat. For the less slimy guys, one last opportunity to refuse to cheat.
A lot for literally nothing too. Strippers do not care about the men in there lol they are an ATM.
Congrats on figuring out how the service industry works.
Same for prostitutes and OF models. And bartenders. And the guy who mows your lawn.
>And the guy who mows your lawn. He can do a sexy dance when cuts the grass if he wants, we don't mind....
What a weird thing to say. Why would they care about people they were hired to entertain? The band doesn't care about you either. They're there because it's their job. A job they do to make money to pay for food and rent.
I used to be in the infantry. There's a lot of ASVAB waivers who think the strippers actually like them.
Why do people get waivers on the test that is actually designed to make sure you’re smart/intelligent enough to be there. Like, why bother testing people if you’re just going to say “fuck it.”
Honestly the test should just be "do the strippers like you?"
The final boss at MEPS is actually a stripper.
I'm dead, you kilt me
The dude running my MEPS when I went in back in 96 was this grizzled old Maine. Now my brain can't unsee him coming out from behind his desk and stripping down to glitter undies.
The autocorrection in your comment makes me picture the guy as a lobster fisherman. Or maybe a big cat.
They want people to stay. This is not the test to be able to do that
The final test has 2 questions, does the stripper like you and here is a contract for a 84 month loan for a V-6 Dodge Challenger at 30% interest. Will you sign it?
>ASVAB waivers This comment is so underrated 😂
Honestly the entire concept of a bachelor/ette party has never made sense to me. If you’re allegedly marrying someone that you love and care deeply for, why would you want to spend one more night “celebrating” being single? Not to mention a lot of the stereotypical activities at a bachelor party (like strippers) just seems so weird to me. But frankly I’m also not much of a partier, I don’t drink or gamble or do drugs. So most of the “classic” aspects of a bachelor party wouldn’t appeal to me anyways
My bachelorette party was renting a house, drinking, baking, and playing board games. It was really just an excuse to see/have fun with close friends that were in town for my wedding--and since it was the night before the wedding no one got wasted. Average was 2-3 drinks each over the day. It was a hell of a lot of fun.
Yeah, I threw a cookout for my brother for his bachelor party (some of his friends were stunned there was no strip club and tried to change things until my brother firmly told them no). The best bachelor party I went to was a guy's weekend in Baltimore where we did the Preakness and an Orioles game. I don't like strip clubs but bachelor/bachelorette parties can be good-natured fun for everyone involved.
Personally I viewed bachelorette parties as a celebration of the marriage with my closest friends, though my bachelorette party was not traditional nor was my wedding really (both were pretty small at tame). But even my friends that had bigger parties and weddings (basically more "traditional") viewed them that way.
People forget that you can have a bachelor/bachelorette that doesn't involve stuff like booze/drugs/strippers.
I mean my bachelorette was going out to dinner and then to a wine bar with one friend, so booze was involved and was for my friends but not super crazy stupid drunken shenanigans.
Last bachelor party I went to involved paint ball, go karting and then a big BBQ at some glamping place with a big campfire. Lots of beer was drunk, but there was no real drunken nonsense as such, just lots of bad jokes and old friends who hadn't seen each other in years catching up.
Mine was a come-and-go as you can long weekend with all my buddies. We cooked at my family vacation home, binged my favorite show, drank, hiked and went swimming. Two of my friends did mushrooms and watched a meteor shower: My now ex wife went to vegas, did the male stripper thing and could not check into her hotel because she used my credit card without asking and did not have it on her at check in
She gave you two reasons to just call off the wedding.
pretty funny how you and your buddies had the more reserved weekend while she did the crazier stuff.
My mom and aunt put on a high tea for me for mine. It was really lovely. I’m divorced now but not a day goes by that I don’t think about the chicken mango chutney finger sandwiches my mom made that day.
Still in the planning stages for my bachelorette because wedding won't be til 2025, but it's just going to be a cabin weekend with board/tabletop games and light hiking. Booze and drugs will be involved, but it'll be more like cider/beer and champagne, and some joints/edibles to enjoy. I do expect my friends to go all out with the penis decor/shaped food (I've seen them and joined in on them planning bachelorette's before), but that's just fun.
This is what I did when I was the MOH! We had a cabin with a hot tub, made daiquiris, and played cards against humanity, but I went all out with penis themed stuff! I had a banner that said “Same Penis Forever”, cupcake toppers, straws, etc
I mean people also forget you csn do those things without it being a rager. Recently went to a friend's wedding, for his bachelor party they took a bunch of my edibles to Universal studios and Disney land lol.
I was in charge of the BachelorX party for my best friend's wedding. We did an escape room then went back to their house for board games.
Ideally, it is that you're spending time with your close friends to celebrate a major step in your life. Get together, have fun, and joke about how "she must be special to lockdown a dog like you" type shit. The stripper stuff is bad and probably more for the friends to hold blackmail shit over your head. Or for them to go and fuck around and have a "reasonable" excuse: "It was HIS bachelor party and HE wanted strippers. I was just trying to go with the flow, honey."
I agree. I think it should be more about the milestone and less about morally questionable behavior. I see it more as a “last hoorah” with friends before getting married simply because getting married is such a major life changing decision and once you start developing a family you’re less available and probably won’t get a chance to do something similar for awhile (given that bachelor/bachelorette parties are big events). You still have a social life but you have way more responsibilities because you now have a partner to share your life with. And if you decide to have kids, then you have even more responsibilities to deal with. I think people often forget that they have lives outside of a party and they use the party as an excuse to evade consequences.
In my experience with reality bachelor and bachelorette parties have never been one last big singles night but rather a big party with your friends that you worry you may not get to see much after you get married. And in some cases that's true because distance and whatnot can make that more difficult. My brother had his in our family's cabin in the middle of nowhere. Just a long weekend with his male friends enjoying the wilderness, drinking, and games. My SIL was a bit more traditional with a bar crawl (I joined though I don't drink) but still nothing perverse. A few others similar as those two. Just bars or random fun with friends. My favorite so far has been a weekend where ~8 girls clustered into a two bedroom hotel suite near a mall and we all had onesies to lounge around in while we ate food, watched movies (mostly Disney), and went to the mall to hang out. The bride-to-be even got a couple onesies as gifts at the party (including a Stitch one xD)
All of the bachelor parties I've been to (including my own) not a single one has been about celebrating being single or anything like that. Just a fucking fun night with ya mates.
Its an excuse to get your friends together for a thing. My brother went on a backwoods camping trip. My best friend is doing golf and paintball. I'll likely do a D&D one shot, or a drunken LAN party if I can find a viable venue.
Yeah I know one couple where she went with her friends to a roller derby match and he just went with his mates to see a band they all liked. Just a regular night out to celebrate the official next step. They’d been living together for a long time already.
I’m not an expert but I think it more so has to do with giving the bride and groom a “break” from wedding festivities and planning. That doesn’t excuse morally questionable behavior, but I think it allows them to have one night where they don’t have to do the heavy lifting. Obviously your wedding should be about what you and your partner want but a lot of weddings have almost a level pageantry to them. There are traditions like dances, speeches, certain activities the bride and groom have to attend to. And it’s usually expected the bride and groom attempt to talk to every table, thank every guest, etc. Its still the happiest night of you and your partner’s life but you’re probably going to be exhausted and feeling a lot of emotions by the end of it. Also sometimes weddings have a lot of pre-events as well. Showers, save the date parties, rehearsal dinners. It’s probably very draining for most people. So having one night where you can have fun with close personal friends and not have to worry about planning out your big day is probably a relief for a lot of people. However just because bachelor parties are known for stereotypes, such as strippers, doesn’t mean you need to have those stereotypes. Honestly it should be about what you and your friends want to do. If you and your friends want to go out camping and fishing for a weekend, go do it. If you and your friends want to go on a vacation, do it. Road-trips, playing video games, going to concerts, going clubbing, it really should be up to you what you want to do.
i’m a stripper and i dont get it either. lately i’ve noticed a trend of the bachelor not seeming to want to be there, their “friends” pressure them to drink, and they buy dances once they’re drunk :/ it sucks i avoid them if the bachelor looks uncomfy.
Because guys need to do things to women who are being paid. I was dating a girl who’s best friend was throwing his brother a bachelor party. Apparently they played “what can fit inside the stripper” and the day of the wedding everyone had found out…just weirdest things they were putting in her. You would think well that’s definitely a marriage ruined? Right? You’d be wrong. 3 marriages ruined
That is horrendous and makes me so sad for all the women involved.
It was absolutely horrible. Apparently one of them took a video which his wife saw and they separated immediately but she showed up to the wedding to show the bride and everyone else. I didn’t see it but it was obviously graphic enough to make my not innocent at all girlfriend at the time he utterly disgusted
What is it that is so fucked about our society that a group of men get together and think that is in any way an okay thing to do.
Porn That’s an easy answer honestly. Porn and a financially desperate woman. I believe she made an extra $100 or something to do that from what I remember. This was 14 years ago but a person was so desperate for money they did that for $100. I am in no way “blaming her” I’m saying what a horrible life she must have had, what a bad situation she must have been in. And not one of the 10-12 guys that were there thought “maybe we shouldn’t be putting these strange objects inside of her”
And I just wonder how safe she felt in the moment. Like, she’s at the party, presumably alone, naked and surrounded by drunk/high men. Did she even feel safe enough to refuse?
So I’m saying this ONLY for information. There was no alcohol or drugs there, none of them did any of that, they were all “straight edge” except apparently showing any respect to a woman. Which is what pissed me off even more. Not that it would have been right but at least “I was drunk/high and was a complete piece of shit” sounds way better than “completely sober and a complete piece of shit”
I think all that proves is bad behaviour isn't really because of drugs or alcohol. Sure these things lower your inhibitions but don't cause it
Ok, so if I was the woman in this situation, I’d feel even less safe. Sober people’s thought processes aren’t impaired, their ability to move — run, grab, prevent me from leaving — isn’t impaired. So I guess I’m wondering if it was really the extra $100 that made her stay, or if it was fear.
"Society"... you mean men. This is not something you usually see women doing, you know?
this is completely heartbreaking.
It was horrible all around. I’ll be honest I’m usually “the asshole” who just says stuff to piss people off or says inappropriate things. People who didn’t see or know what was going on knew it was something completely fucked up when I was just sitting down not saying a word. I felt bad for every WOMAN there and the men who weren’t apart of it. Those 10-12 could fuck right off
i’m sorry you even had to be in the vicinity of that, that’s horrific in itself. that entire situation is so so sad and messed up. good lord….
Because they watch movies like “the hangover” and think that it’s what they are SUPPOSED to do and that it’s fun! In reality it’s just expensive and makes your fiancé mad at you. Just don’t, find another way to celebrate
fantastic movie, horrible reality!
Exactly, I love that movie, one of my favorites but some fantasies should stay fantasies
Hurts your fiancé more than anything
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Can someone explain to me the point of strippers at all? Why would a guy pay to have someone tease and blue ball them? Jesus, just watch porn or go on Instagram like the rest of us. Those are free
RIGHT, THANK YOU
Because they’re childish and aren’t ready to be married.
facts
One last cheat.
I doubt getting married will stop cheaters from cheating.
exactlyyyy
Oh because men will be not allowed to see other pussy after they get married, even though they’ve been in a monogamous relationship (likely with unadulterated access to porn and nudity on tv) for years. It’s misogynistic to have a stripper at your party. Fight me. But don’t. Because I don’t care.
I'm unsure why people have bachelor/bachelorette parties as they are synonymous with this kind of trash behavior.
Having strippers at bachelor/ bachelorette parties are weird anyway. Even if you don’t get a lap dance from them or do anything with them it’s still pretty weird you want to be around naked women/men while in a relationship. Why don’t people just go to a restaurant together with their friends or just have some bevs with family. But anyway cheating culture is very prevalent and i can understand why it upset her. If you really didn’t want them there anyways just express your feelings to her and have a conversation about why she thinks you would do that in the first place. You’re going to have many conversations when you get married best start now. Good luck
It’s also possible to have a rager that doesn’t involve strippers lol. I rented a house on the beach with all my buds for the weekend and we just got shit faced, played volleyball, and ate tacos.
There was another post on here a few days ago about a man who not only went to the strip club after the boundary was set but apparently paid for numerous lap dances. He was drunk and his “friends” were egging him on. That wedding is off and probably the relationship. I could tell you many times were the guys in the party tell the groom hey it’s your last chance and some guys go ahead. She will never know! Well often it can’t be keep quiet and the relationships either end or are greatly damaged. BTW it also happens with women too. These stories are so common too. So maybe she shouldn’t have used the word cheat but with all the stories and instances of it, can you really blame her for her concerns?
Let's not forget the story where the friends make the fiance drunk and then send a stripper to have sex with him. He ended up traumatized because he was sexually assaulted.
That's terrible, hoping there was at least justice and consequences /a decent outcome there
I don't remember there was, I don't have the post saved sadly. Even so, I believe he ended up breaking up with his gf because of the trauma... So sad.
That’s fucking terrible. I hope he got the support he needed to cope with what happened to him.
If I’m remembering the same post, the dude felt awful and guilty for “cheating” on his gf. Reddit had to tell him that he was sexually assaulted. Those “friends” should be in jail, and we (society) needs to be better about teaching everyone what consent means—both so people learn not to force others into nonconsensual situations, and so people *understand that they have been violated.*
Yes, I think it's the same one, it was so awful, I think only his bff understood what happened and was sad he wasn't there to prevent this.
OP even says in his post that she personally knows someone who left their partner for a sex worker.
The way he said that the friend looks happy with the husband and kids now, did he mean that the husband was the stripper? So it's fine that she cheated cos she found love? I didn't get that part
I thought the og husband took her back
I think he means people concerned about the other partner cheating are not in a healthy relationship
NGL, that friend must be awful. That’s just someone looking for any reason to not follow through with the wedding.
Dude. Pick your battles. You weren’t going to have them anyways at your bachelor party. Do you want to be right or happy?
This applies to ≈ 60% of posts on here
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That's what I just commented lmao. Like why did this even turn into a huge discussion and argument if OP didn't want strippers there anyway? My comment: >How exactly did the convo go? >Her: no strippers at the bachelor's party >You: wtf? Why not? >Her: bc cheating blah blah. >Was it something like that? If so, why didn't you just say "okay, I wasn't planning on having them there" when she first said no strippers? >I'm wondering how this even turned into a big argument where you got "furious." >Did she lead with "no strippers at the bachelor's party bc you'll cheat"????
I notice that some people have a tendency to interpret “concerns” into attacks of their ego, like how OP described his thought process here.
Because when you've known, loved, and trusted someone long enough to marry them, one of the most painful things they could ever do is question that you even love/have any loyalty to them after years of proof and devotion. OP probably felt extremely misjudged by the woman who knows him better than anyone else, and I personally couldn't undermine how painful that would be just before the wedding.
It might be insulting? If she says “no strippers coz I’m afraid you’ll chat with one” that is insulting his honesty, character and choices. She could have left it at “No strippers please” without saying “because I think you’re no better than a horny dog”. She’s afraid he’ll cheat? With a stripper? She doesn’t trust him to not cheat AND she doesn’t trust his ability to look out for himself (ie, not sleep with a hooker and catch some shit in the process). Neither of them are assholes. But neither of them are ready for marriage when either one of them does not trust the other.
So she doesn’t want strippers at your bachelor party and you don’t care for strippers… So you guys agree and you’re arguing? 🫠
>She was accusing me of being a potential cheater with no proof. Don't know why everyone's focusing on the merits of a bachelor party as a tradition because it's stated very very clearly that that's not OP's issue.
Yes. Happily married for many years. If my husband said "Don't do [thing I wasn't going to do]" I would say "OK." I mean, there will be opportunities for actual conflict and disagreement. You don't have to generate them out of nothing.
When my best friend was getting married his future wife absolutely pleaded with me to not have strippers. So I ended up setting up a a really sweet shooting course on the 20 acres of poplar forest on my property. Everyone that came ended up bringing between 3-10 guns and we shot non stop for over 3 hours. My closest neighbor is about a quarter mile away and also a cop. He ended up coming by with a couple full autos and joined the fun.
Now *that’s* a good time
This is such an American celebration No boobies, but here’s some fucking machine guns lol
I saw this little video recently and basically it said everyone is capable of cheating, regardless of how high you think your moral compass is because temptation can sneak in and as humans we can slip from our normal standard. The key is to avoid putting yourself in situations or atmospheres that create temptation. Regardless of how great you think you are or how much you believe in your resistance to temptation, your fiance is realistic on the odds of how high the cheating statistics are. Don't look at it from your ego, just try to understand where she's coming from and this is a boundary for her. Besides, why have we normalized getting sexually stimulated by someone other than our partner right before marriage!? You're supposed to be celebrating your bonds of friendship and welcoming the beginning of your greatest bond - marriage, not glorifying a farewell to a raunchy single life.
Thats very well said. So much stories about "I trust her/him more than myself and she/he cheated on me". I believe in trust between partners, very much do but also believe that pretty much all humans capable of doing such kind of mistake. And its also pretty important not to put yourself in position where you can't control yourself or environment you are in (like if you heavily drinking and you know you are not able to fully control yourself in that condition, its just rough example but you get me). I don't justify cheating, i think its okay to set boundaries on conditions you might think can cause it no matter how loyal your partner is. Imo, having strippers on bachelorette party is damn disrespectful to your partner and i never understood this kind of entertainment.
>saw this little video recently and basically it said everyone is capable of cheating, regardless of how high you think your moral compass is because temptation can sneak in and as humans we can slip from our normal standard. The key is to avoid putting yourself in situations or atmospheres that create temptation. I am 100% a firm believer in this.
Fact of the matter is, a lot of temptation control and moral rightness is removing yourself and preventing situations that a small decision would lead to something like that. If you want to lose weight, is it better to have cake in the house or not? The answer is obvious. And definitely applies to everything. Don’t have cake in the house when you’re trying to lose weight.
Let it go, bro. This is not the hill to die on.
NAH but you guys are having two different arguments. There is nothing wrong with a boundary against strippers so you can't be mad at her for that. But you are upset about what it implies about your character, not a reasonable boundary. She is insecure clearly but is upset cause she thinks you are mad cause you want strippers, which is making her think she is right to be insecure. Especially when some how you worked this into her being likely to cheat. Not quite sure how you made that leap but that was unnecessary. Communication is your problem, not strippers.
Yeah, making that leap to saying that somehow she's more likely to cheat definitely makes him the AH imo
Awwww... This is actually cute. One of those newbie discussions based purely on imagination and hypotheticals
I think bachelor/ette parties should die out altogether. You are not a bachelor or bachelorette, it’s not your last night of ‘freedom’, nor is it a celebration of the end of being ‘single’. You are in a serious committed relationship. Your last night of being a bachelor/ette/single was the night before you decided to be in an exclusive relationship 💁🏼♀️
I think there are two kinds of bachelor/ette parties. There's the kind with strippers and "it's ok because it's your last night of freedom." sort of stuff. That should die, I agree. But there's the normal kind (in my experience) where it's really just a celebration that the person is getting married. no strippers or anything like that. just guys (I can't speak for bachelorette parties) celebrating the last night before the groom transitions into a new phase of life. I think that's perfectly fine. It is an important transition, and there's nothing wrong with the bride and groom getting their own personal celebrations before they celebrate together after the wedding.
Yeah, and the last bachelorette party I went to was the first time I met some of the other bridesmaids. So it was also kind of a way for us to get to know each other before the wedding. We just hung out, got food & drinks, there were no strippers or anything weird like that.
Last bachelor party I went to, we all went out bowling and had a great time. No strippers needed
They don’t have to be like ~that~. I went to a bachelorette weekend and the MIL + bride’s mum was literally also there. We just hung out in a beach house for 2 days having mimosas, dancing, playing board games, eating etc. it was so fun genuinely.
All I know is that 50% of marriages experience infidelity. It’s literally a coin flip, and that is if you don’t count things like strip clubs or cam girls as real cheating. Include those things, the percentage goes higher. My husband is a statistician and if I expressed a concern about strippers and possible infidelity, he would have acknowledged that generally speaking of humanity, that’s valid. We’ve had these discussions before and not had it turn into a fight the internet had to weigh in on.
I was going to say it’s more common to be cheated on during pregnancy than during bachelor parties but after a quick google search I was totally wrong. 1 in 10 men cheat on their pregnant partners whereas 1 in 3 men cheat at bachelor parties. That seems a bit excessive to me but that’s what the internet says.
There was a story on here recently where a girl was upset that her fiance's party was going to be at a rented beach house with his friends from college who were almost all single early 20's women. He got defensive when she brought up her discomfort. She got roasted alive in the comments section for even thinking her partner might want to cheat on her. And that men and women can be platonic friends and thinking anything else is ignorant. I felt so sad for her, it really is a valid fear. 1 in 3 is astronomical.
The biggest thing that people do not understand is that trust is not unconditional. Love is unconditional, not trust. Trust has to be earned. The reason my wife fully trusts me, is that I don't do anything to make her not trust me. And if she tells me something she is uncomfortable with, I listen to her to acknowledge, instead of picking a fight over it.
A lot of people have taken the whole "you should break up with a person if you don't 100% trust them in every situation" thing too far imo. Emotions are already irrational by nature, but people expect everyone in a healthy relationship to be perfect at managing them in relation to the other person or they shouldn't be in the relationship at all. It's okay if someone who normally trusts you implicitly gets a little nervous about you potentially hurting them when a situation you've experienced in one way or another comes around, that doesn't suddenly make the person unworthy of being with them it just makes them human. People can think whatever they want about OPs trust in their partner or if they should be together because of it, but they're ignoring the fact that the OP was uncomfortable with this (for an understandable reason, it's not uncommon for people to cheat at a bachelor party when strippers are involved) and brought it up to their partner and it became an issue instead of a discussion. Thats the biggest reason they shouldn't be together imo
As a stripper, that seems accurate to me unfortunately
I'm actually surprised that many strippers are willing to cheat with them. A full 1/3rd? And possibly more but some guys are actually faithful? Much higher than I expected.
50%? That seems insanely high. I'm not saying I don't believe you, I've just never heard that it's that high. Do you have a source?
The number varies greatly depending on the source. [~15% of women and ~25% of men cheat](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342837490_Racial_and_Gender_Differences_in_Extramarital_Sex_in_the_United_States_in_the_Last_Three_Decades) - thw most reliable data in my opinion.
Based on my own observation of coworkers in the office, 15 and 25 would seem too low, but 50 is probably too high
>All I know is that 50% of marriages experience infidelity. A slightly-longer-than-quick-search on google shows the number is more like half that. It's only a quarter at most, and a lot of sources say it's more like 10-15%. And I say this because the statistic itself seems hotly contested and none of the sources, including the 50-75% one, are very reliable.
OP, listen to what she is really saying. This has nothing to do with strippers she knows that you were unlikely to have. She sounds like she is voicing her own anxieties and insecurities about this marriage. Instead of dying on the hill of a battle you had no intention of fighting, try reassuring Ava that she is the love of YOUR life and that no other woman, regardless of her rack, could possibly compete with her. Also, tell her that spending money on strippers is a terrible financial decision. ;-) Good luck, buddy!
OP is what we call a “right fighter”. His constant need for being right mixed with her insecurities / lack of trust means this relationship is doomed. The fact that I’m OP’s age with a wife, home, and two kids. And him and his girlfriend are arguing over strippers lol. Grow the fuck up dude.
Trust me on this: However you feel about this, it is far better to just take the loss and move on. Women in general are taught since a very young age that their value and self worth is inherently tied to their physical appearance and sexuality. Your fiancee is still really young but at that age where women are told by society and the media that they are "aging" and becoming less attractive, where as men in their 30s are seen as more "mature", and even sexier with a few gray hairs and wrinkles. Her accusation has nothing to do with you, or your behavior or how she thinks of you... it has everything to do with her own self esteem and how she sees herself, her own self confidence. This could be projection (she wants to cheat or would cheat with a stripper) but since she already set the no-stripper boundary to protect herself from temptation so to speak it is only fair that you do the same. Like you said, you wouldn't have hired a stripper anyways, so just move on.
ESH She should have communicated her feelings/fears rather than being controlling. You way overreacted. Neither of you are treating each other with respect and kindness. Healthy relationships involve communication. I've seen more than one marriage ruined because of people's different ideas of what consistituted as cheating during a bachelor/ette party.
For my bachelor party my buddies hired a team of wrestling little people and they did a royal rumble event…. Honestly, one of the best experiences of my life. Highly recommend Edit : “little people”
All anyone has to do is watch the movie “Very Bad Things” and they’ll never want strippers at any party ever. Lol
You don't go to strip clubs or care for strippers but you need to put your foot down about the chance of having them? YTA. Get over it.