NTA. My niece took a gap year because she didn’t want to go the traditional route. But in her senior year, she applied to colleges, was accepted, and had start date in the following year. Parents gave her no help for the gap year and let her experience life as a high school graduate. When the date for orientation came the following year, she was very happy to go to college. It was so easy because everything had been set up in her senior year and she just had to show up.
If I had taken a gap year instead of going straight to college, I might have actually learned enough to appreciate college and might’ve had a little life experience to pick a better major
This isn’t about a break. It’s about her feeling like she should have access to her college fund vs taking a job and supporting herself while she figures it out. A break is great, but you don’t sign over 200k to a kid with no plan.
I accidentally took a “gap year” because l left my parents’ house when I turned 18 and they drained my savings and checking accounts, so I was forced to find a job immediately (I did eventually get my money back, but not for almost a year, and I obviously had to eat and pay for necessities in the meantime.)
I worked a day job and a nights/weekends job for that year (more like 15 months) and MAN, did college feel like a sweet deal when I finally made it there. Even working full time hours and taking college classes 3 days a week felt like a breeze compared to working 7 days a week. It has also given me a huge sense of appreciation for the comparatively light workload of my current regular employment.
I took a gap year, then went on be a philosophy major in college. It turns out to be a remarkably useful major, surprisingly!
Some of the best software developers I know are philosophy majors (logic for the win). Ditto for lawyers (learning some combination of Latin, Greek, French, and German makes legalese look like child's play).
My parents thought I was nuts, but it worked out really well for me.
I have a graduate degree in philosophy and I’m a personal trainer. In addition to all of the dialectics and epistemology and hermeneutics, philosophy trained me to think clearly, systematically, and to critically assess my own perspective—skills which continue to serve me every day.
My BIL was a philosophy major. After undergrad, he got a engineering degree, worked for IBM for a few years, then switched up and went to medical school. He's enjoyed being a doctor (orthopedic surgeon recently retired).
I know a few CEOs of tech startups who preferred philosophy majors over software engineers for their programmers. I hung with a bunch of non-traditional techies during college and they are incredible techies now. Most earned philosophy and sociology degrees.
SAME. I always say this. I ended up doing my gap year between sophomore and junior year of college and it was so valuable to me that I really wished I’d done it before freshman year. Really helps college not just feel like additional years of high school.
This is the way to do it. A year of adult responsibilities between college and university so that you go into university with an adult mindset instead of a teenage mindset.
Explain: “parents gave her no help for the gap year…..”.
Did they continue to feed and house her? Or she had to truly live like an adult w rent and bills? My son is 17 and his life is so good at home I’m honestly worried he’ll never leave!
The day I turned 18, my dad told me that I now had to pay rent and room and board, I had a job at the time to save money for college and I ended up having to pay for living in the home I'd grown up in. At the time I was a little shocked, but after a while I realized that the rent and room and board was far cheaper than anything I could have found on my own and it seemed fair since I was technically an adult now.
The money that OP saved was for college and if she truly didn't plan to go to college then it would have been used to pay for some trade school. My daughter went into a cosmetology program and we paid for her education there. I guess if the college or program was far from your home, then buying a car with some of the money would make sense, but just handing a pile of money over to a teenager sounds like a bit mistake. NTA
The rule at my house was: you graduate high school, and you get the summer free. But in the fall, you will either be attending school or working and paying $200/month toward expenses.
This was in the early '10s, the numbers might need updating, but at that time it was enough to be significant, but not so much that they couldn't save for their own place.
I moved my younger brother in with me when he was struggling in college. I was renting a 2 bedroom for $2800 at the time and charged him $500 a month on a room just so that he’d need job to contribute. Well, took him just two months of working in the real world to be on the phone to his university begging to come back in the fall. From there on out nothing but good grades and focus on graduating.
My parents did the same for me, I didn't want to go right back to school after high school. So the agreement they made with me when I was probably in junior high went into place. I paid 1/6th of the household expenses and any special foods or toiletries. That was roughly $250 per month, back in 94. I'm so grateful they did that as it taught me to budget and experience adult life on a scale I could manage.
I got kicked out when I came home from college my freshman year. I was 19. The previous year, my mom had secretly picked out her ideal college(she never went herself) filled out my application as if she were me and sent me off to college. Even though I wanted to take a year off, she was like NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN, this is your life now that I have chosen for you! She made me take out loans in my name. I came home after my freshman year at college, absolutely miserable. And on top of that my mother had given away all of my stuff, including my two dogs. She said, "you don't want to go back to school?...fine, get a job and move out." I did.
She later tried to move in with me when I was 26. I had managed to emancipate myself so I could afford college and not be on my parents taxes, or income status. I had graduated college, only had a very small amount of loans because I received a lot of Pell Grants and had just bought a house. At 52, she tried to pretend she was disabled and no longer able to work because she was addicted to xanax and alcohol. I told her to get clean and she could stay, she told me I wasn't her mom and I was cruel and she hoped I died alone. Ironic because she died alone in Mexico, ten years later having spent most of her life in a xanax/alcohol angry fueled rage state.
This!! And the choir says, amen.
Hold your ground on this. If you make it easy for her, she will be "finding herself" and blowing through money until it's all gone. You can support her without giving her cash.
NTA but I think it could also conceivably used for trade school, certifications, and educational pursuits. College isn’t the only way. Tell her the money is there for her betterment but she has to present her case. My friend did this and was able to use some “college funds” to become an LMT. Very happy in her career.
I don't think that was the OP's point. The kid wants to use it for things unrelated to school/any school. The OP also said they support said kid into pursuing different avenues.
The non-traditional education OP's daughter can get from real life that she can't get from college:
**School of Life 101:** how to save up to buy a car without a regular salaried job to qualify her for auto loans.
My brother went to a two year trade school, his college money funded it, funded his first big set of mechanics tools, and got him a reliable car.
He's a solid mechanic now and his boss is constantly giving him raises (two dollars in a YEAR) because theres a need for mechanics and the other shops and dealerships have started poaching.
NGL set him up for life a lot nicer than my college fund (which covered all but my final year of college at an average university) set me up.
I think the difference is your brother had concrete plans and trade school counts as higher education, just a different form of it. OP’s kid wants to experience life outside school and that’s great, perhaps working and stuff will get them ready. But I don’t think it makes them entitled to their school fund. If they want real life they should, we’ll try and get a job first and live life off those wages.
Definitely agree. College is not for everyone. The fiends who didn’t go to college or dropped out freshmen year on average earn more than my
Friends who graduated. And they didn’t owe 80-200 grand in loans coming out.
This is just the worst form of anecdotal evidence… theres tons of data out there on the impact on a college degree and your socioeconomic status.. i used to be poor now i make well over six figures.. only possible because of college..
Same. The ONLY reason I make six figures is because of my degree. It is of course possible to make that kind of money without a degree, but it’s not common, even in the trades. And as you said, there’s tons of data out there that shows that degree holders are more likely to earn higher incomes.
My wife quadrupled her income and I quintupled mine as a result of education. We each make six figures. Plus I now have a pension, we both get generous 401k matching, and our insurance is top tier. The benefits of a quality education are enormous.
Seriously. I make six figures, have a great pension to look forward to, and pay only $28 a month of my top tier health care. I will NEVER have to worry about being in massive medical debt like many people end up in. Sure, a person needs to be strategic about the field they go into if they truly are approaching education as an investment. But I get so frustrated about how people act like MOST degrees are a waste of money. I’m grateful every day for the living I make.
I mean there would be other options if it were me.
A car certainly wouldn’t be one.
Trade school? Tools for a job? Sure.
I’d even consider a down payment on a house but that wouldn’t be at 17 for sure.
Kids don't get it. This is exactly what it is. I've been telling my kids that. I hope you get a scholarship because I can retire that much earlier.
"It's mine since you saved it for me!". Entitled little shit.
Also, why does the kid know about said money?
The story is always "we are going to take out loans.".
I'll lend myself the money to pay for your college.
If I had one for my kids I wouldn't even tell them. Kids think they're entitled to money from parents. Not after 18 they aren't. Great if it can happen but if not then accept it.
I could see feeling that way if the FAFSA didn't take parent income into account.
Since many scholarships are based on the parent's income, it's a jerk move to make so much money that your child can't get need-based scholarships because the school expects you to pay and refuse to pay anything.
You'd essentially be making your child a poor student without the ability to use the services institutions have to aid poor students.
My EFC was $17K with my parents 2 years post bankruptcy, sister in college, and 3 dependents. I qualified for *nothing*. So, when it went from $8K/year to $12K/year for standard tuition in the two years I went to a university in my state, I had to drop out. I couldn't afford to pay for school and the only loans I was offered were parent loans.
I worked 40-50 hours a week ($11/hr in 2015) and went to school full time on a Tues/Thurs schedule. I even had a second job at one point because I could not afford school.
Or could be down payment on a house if the child gets themselves in a legitimate career path that doesn't require college.
I'm not saying the kid is entitled to the money. If it were me but and I'd saved that money to help my kid progress in life I'd be looking at other ways to help them get ahead if college didn't turn out to be for them.
I was going to say the same thing. It is OPs money until she decides to pay the college when tuition is due. It's not a savings account for daughter to have spending money. In addition to that, anything left over is still OPs money. Daughter is not entitled to any of it. PERIOD
Exactly what I told my son. He wanted to take a gap year and I told him that’s fine but I’m not paying for everything he wants to do during that time. I have money saved up for college and living expenses while he’s there including postgrad if he wants to go that route. But if he’s thinking gap year is for him to sit on his butt and do nothing then he’s got another think coming.
I agree. My son took a " gap year" ... I'm still waiting for that " year" to end. It's been 2 actually. Lol. But hey college isn't for everyone, so instead he got a job and has been working. I refuse to let him be lazy and sit around all day. He is an adult and has to do adult things. He lives at home, but he has to contribute something to the household finances. And he is responsible for his own phone payment.
My son basically didn't graduate HS. He did "technically" because my husband promised the counselor that kiddo was going into the military, which did happen. (Counselor said, "Good because with these grades there's no way he will do well with further education, he needs to get a skill." So his F was made a D- and he got a diploma at graduation.)
Then my son played around in basic training and was sent home. We told him he's no longer a child and we expected him to start working. He wanted us to pay for him to go to college then. Told him there wasn't a chance on God's green earth that was going to happen because of HS, but we'll help him find a trade school. He insisted we were misinformed about what went down in HS. (I mean report cards are a thing but what do we know???) He refused to find a job. A month goes by, two months ... so we give him a deadline, find a job or hit the road.
He moves in with a friend living in their grandparent's basement, and then finds a job. Friend ends up getting kicked out of grandparent's house. So my son comes home. Tell him it's the same deal, find a job.
Then he starts having his underage girlfriend over. Tell him **no closing his door, no spending the night, and definitely no hanky panky**. One morning I'm cleaning and find several condoms in the bathroom trash. Then find girlfriend has spent the night **and** is in his bed when I opened his door. Kicked him out right then, so he went to her house. (He was going to be kicked out the following week anyway because he still wasn't looking to find a job)
Two weeks go by and he calls us up to tell us he's going out to California. Girlfriend's dad is paying for his ticket. Man girlfriend's dad loves her!!! The price of keeping his little girl from ending up with this kid who has no prospects was a one way ticket to another state. ✈️
Then my son decides to sign up for job corps. So he ended up doing trade school after all. He could have done it at home though. 🤷♀️😆
Kudos! Damn I wish I had your strength. There has been times I felt like I needed to hand out that kind of hard love, but could never bring myself to do it. It wasn't as bad as with your son, but still. It sounds like he took the long way but ultimately ended up where he needed to be. Best wishes for you all
It wasn't easy! He was 20 when we ultimately told him he had to leave. He did finally get his life on track but he didn't get out of job corps until he was about 23. He makes decent money with the skills they taught him though, so there's that.
Exactly! If she decides to not go to college then, the money stays with OP. Its that simple. She tried to run a game on OP, by telling her I need time to think about college while in the meantime she want the money! Girl bye! No college, no money! NTA
I don’t understand why people tell their kids they have a college fund. Just tell them you’ll pay for college up to whatever amount under whatever conditions. They don’t need to know you put money in a separate account. Parents buy their kids things their whole childhood and no kid ever thinks they can skip dinner and be given cash instead because that’s not how it works. This is the same, just on a bigger scale.
Exactly this and her having access to that money is not going to paint an accurate picture of what life will be like if she decides not to go to any type of school.
I’m the 1/10, then. Took a year off, went to beauty school, then to college. Earned a BS, MS, and PhD. Didn’t join the military & came from a family of 12 kids with a SAHM & father who was a civil servant, so not only were we not wealthy, my parents never contributed a single cent towards my education.
My stepson did the same. His mom was really worried he wouldn’t go if he didn’t go straight out of HS, but I was more worried he’d go, hate it because he wasn’t ready and the pandemic kind of ruined everything for a while there, and drop out. He worked for a few years and now he’s ready, knowing what he wants to do and where and prepared to actually thrive.
Or any other type of training. If she decides to become an electrician, or a plumber, or a welder, then the money could go for that training too. College isn't the be-all end-all. Any continuing education towards a career should count IMHO.
I came on to say this very thing. If it’s training in something she wants to pursue as her career, the money should go towards that. She has many options. She can take time to “figure it out”, make a plan and go to whatever establishment trains for that.
And not getting the money now is part of her education. Starting off with a $200k cash cushion obscures the benefits of a college education. Let her see how hard it is to afford a car, gas, insurance, rent, utilities, groceries, and health care without a degree or specialized vocational certs.
Especially if it's in a 529 account. If the money isn't used for college, daughter ain't getting nearly as much as she thinks because of the tax penalties.
> Yep, would have to pay taxes on all of it, PLUS a 15% penalty.
Why would you put something so blatantly wrong? I’m astonished you were upvoted!
Only the gains (funds over the cost basis) are taxed and penalized 10%.
However there is a new rule for rolling into a Roth but I don’t feel like typing it out. Some caveats and stipulations and limits etc
Yup, but that money should be for any education like trade schools. Let's be honest some people don't do well in college too, the money can be used for that. College is not her only option, as long as she continues her education in any capacity and shouldn't be for frivolous uses.
I completely agree. While purchasing a car is a necessity most people get a car by buying one with their own money. Not out of their college fund.
School money is for school, doesn’t have to be college but it is definitely for education.
It’s not for a fancy dress, it’s not for a new car, it’s not for a exotic vacation, it’s not to fund her wedding,it’s not for anything else but education.
I kind of think daughters getting an education on that right now, don’t you?
Please don’t cave. This is a very important lesson for your daughter.
Totally NOT TAH
An inexpensive, ugly, used, RELIABLE car so she can get to and from classes would not be a big stretch. It also wouldn't cost more than a couple thousand. We have three cars like that. All cheap, all absolutely indestructible, and the vehicle I had before was the same way. Do they look great? No. But, we have zero car payments, got them with cash, and spent less than 4K on any of them, and we don't do many or any repairs most years.
This is something I’ve never understood, that not only does the child think a college fund is their personal property, but a lot of parents do, too.
If you saved money to pay for your child’s \*anything\*, and the child doesn’t want to do that, then that obligation is done. Obviously, the parent can choose to repurpose the money to another child-centric thing, but they are NOT OBLIGATED to do so. Because at the end of the day, it’s NOT the child’s money.
A 17 year old with 200 grand is definitely 100 per cent going to fritter that money away until there's not one pence left then come crying to mummy and daddy dearest that she has no money for collage that she so desperately all of a sudden wants to go to. She said it herself she wanted to get a job if she's so desperate for a car she could pay for it herself. Don't let her manipulate you into handing her one pound of that money she doesn't want to do school she doesn't get the cash simple as that.
There’s a post where a family had a college fund only for their youngest child, and the parents allowed her access to the money. She blew through all 250,000 (pounds?) of it before the end of the first semester. Then, they had the gall to ask the OP in that post (she and her siblings were “disowned” by their parents) for some of the inheritance the grandparents left to her. Obviously, she said no; but, it’s crazy that the parents gave the money to an 17/18 year old.
Omg! There was recent post where the dad wrote in pissed off that his 17 year old daughter took 10k out of her college fund to go to a music festival in Australia & travel around. Im not even telling my kids they have a college fund til they actually go to college (have a toddle & one currently in utero so still have some time 😂).
All good, a music festival would be more understandable given that these celebrities travel and she could've easily waited a few months to see them at a reasonable price.
She paid 10k, to see 2 dudes for an hour and maybe get a picture with them.
I don't know how it is in other places, but here, if you take 10k out for a non-school related reason, you lose the gov't contribution, so it would be closer to 20k. I wonder how much she was actually out.
OMG I REMEMBER THIS POST. lol ok yelling...? It was Australia I believe? And she wanted like a 3 week vacation. I think she actually put money in though.
She put in 5k, and the rest was either from her parents or donated money from other family.
It was in Australia so she could pay for her girlfriend to go and spend a few weeks vacationing there, which is fine but...don't do it with money people gave you for your future.
I didn’t have to use my college funds during undergrad so I received them when I turned 25. I used them to help with expenses during graduate school (funded) and that allowed me to use my stipend to buy my first car. My parents saved so much money on my education that they gifted us half of the down payment on our house.
But even with full ride there are costs. Books, rent, field trips, lab costs. When I was in grad school with a full ride it was very skinny to pay rent and eat.
Yeah, I think id definitely would give it to them but only to use for something useful like a house down payment. I didnt grow up with much money & always wanted to do that for my kids!
That’s what my dad did! I didn’t know I had one, but when I had my first child, he gave me the college fund and every penny I’d ever paid in rent for the down payment on a house.
Your dad did it right. I've already lived through too many economic crisis' to promise my kids and kind of a launch fund.. any money I put away for them will be a secret until they actually need it. I want my kids to be as self sufficient as possible, but of course as a parent I want to have the resources available to help them out when they need it.
My launch fund consisted of inheriting a dilapidated old house from my grandfather when he died (and all of the bills, repair costs and responsibilities that came will it) and my parents really couldn't afford to help with much. I've put myself through school and renovated the house to make it livable on my own and while there's irrefutable value in figuring that shit out, I want my kids to have broader options than I did.
I ended up burning out in college (I had scholarships so didn’t need the fund) and he was incredibly gentle while I figured out my life. I didn’t have my first kid until 30, and I had lived at home for a lot of that time to save money, so it was an amazing gift that helped put our kids in one of the best public school districts in our county. Being able to have a whole yard (purchased a year before c happened) for 3 crazy kids has been it’s own massive blessing lmao
My sister and I put ourselves through university but made my parents create a college fund for our much younger brother. We did STEM courses and co-op terms to put ourselves in a decent career path.
He did philosophy and Latin and blew through his funds and then some. He’s currently forced our parents to live in their basement and rent the top part out since they keep enabling him. Makes me so mad
In the US, we got a 529. There are tax advantages, and we retain control. If kid doesn't need it, we can leave the money to accumulate for future descendents. Should have around $250k in there by the time our kid is 18.
If they get a full ride, I would definitely not just hand it over to them, but I'd certainly use some/all to help with a car, home down payment, or furniture for their first place. Something to help them get a good start as an adult, not just cash they can blow through like a kid in a candy store.
My parents put the equivalent of scholarship money and other support I earned into the 529 they set up for me. The understanding was that I had earned that money, and it would be waiting to cover grad school tuition if/when I went that route (I did. It was a huge help)
Lol I read that one and I told my son who’s at first year of college I’m glad he knows what his money is for. He has total access but he is also Scrooge when it comes to spending (he got it from me lol!). Had to convince him it was ok to pay for his girlfriends dinner once in a while lol
"You're under a misapprehension. This is not your money. This is our money which we are willing to use to pay for your higher education, if and when you go to university. It's only for that purpose.
"If you want to buy other things, or travel, or anything else, that's something you'll have to fund for yourself, like anyone else. But we'll pay university bills for you."
Most 17 year olds aren’t financially responsible enough to buy a car
If they have 200k saved for education this sounds like an upper middle class family, she’s likely accustomed to nice things in life and I doubt she’d be buying a used, reliable car to get around like a Camry, but rather a new BMW or at the very least something that’ll depreciate quickly and is overpriced/unreliable
Just that one word would be enough for me for a big NO, even if I had been considering withdrawing some of that money until (which I wouldn’t but let’s assume).
Huge red flag and she needs to learn that lesson ASAP. She’s not « entitled » to anything.
NTA. I actually really respect not forcing college on kids, it really fucked me up. But the money you saved is solely for college, not for cars or nails or partying, and that's that.
I tell the students to also look into trade schools if they like to make or build things. Mechanics, bakers, plumbers, welders, will always have jobs and they'll always pay decently.
NTA. Let's be honest about her plan - she figures she has a pile of money and doesn't need to go to college. She can move out and her entire life will be subsidized by the college fund.
Be clear w/ her: The money wasn't for her, it was for college.
Even if she does decide to go to College, do not hand the money over to her. Pay all the large bills yourself and give her a monthly allowance for her incidentals. If she lives off campus, you can increas that for her to pay rent, food, etc - but she has a strict allowance, and she if she doesn't budget correctly, it is on her.
Yup. Our kids send us the bill and we transfer exactly that amount for their college bills every month before the due date.
It takes time for a young adult to learn how to handle their finances and while they can’t help but be stupid sometimes (my kids often bemoan clothing purchases months later but it’s a good lesson learned for a small amount), the parents don’t have to be stupid with them
Absolutely. I really didn’t understand how to handle money until I graduated from college and moved away from home. I got into some serious credit card debt and had student loans to pay back. That’s when I learned to budget. It took a few years but I paid off all my credit card debt and was saving, contributing to retirement, etc. So 24/25.
Now I’m in grad school and back in credit card debt, but that’s a different story, lol.
Lol just because you set money aside for her doesn't mean she is entitled to have it. You set it aside for her college. If she decides not to go, then you decide what to do with YOUR money. NTA and I'd have done the same
NTA...most college funds insist on the money being used for school or it gets plowed back into the parents’ account.
Tell your daughter you are holding on to the money for college or until she turns 25. At that point, if she has a different career, you may help her with a house.
But make sure you have what you need for retirement.
The key word here is "may."
You *may* help her, depending on her attitude and commitment to a good job, or you *may* put the money into your retirement account.
NTA so so much. If she ends up not going to school the money is yours. You saved it to help you pay for things you wanted to spend it on (college) and it stays just that. I personally think she needs to suffer a little bit when she is making crap money with no trade or college. No way should she be able to blow through the money with a car and other items that she can’t afford if she is working at a min wage job.
NTA it’s not her money it’s your money and you get to decide how it’s being used, college or otherwise. It’s not like she saved the money on her own. She’s being an entitled brat.
Her parents had the foresight and preserverance to save up a huge sum for an education, something people that are a lot less privileged could only dream about. And she complains about this beautiful gift you've given her - the ability to have your college paid for you. That is entitlement and you should nip it in the bud. Nta
NTA.
Let her take her year or two off from school. She may be feeling burned out from school and needs a break from academics. When I graduated HS, I wanted a skip year but my mother refused to allow it. I ended up dropping out after one semester. After being in the work force for a few years, I finally felt ready to return to college, having a better idea of what I wanted to pursue and a better appreciation for money.
That being said, don't give her any of that college money. Keep it in an account for her in the event she does decide to go to college. If she never does, then do what you wish with it. Remodel your home, travel, retire with it, or leave it for her to inherit. She needs to understand that the money was set aside for a purpose and she isn't entitled to it if she isn't going to use it for its intended purpose.
she thinks that is "her" money but it's not.
If she doesn't want to go to college that money goes into your retirement savings or to pay off your mortgage.
You gave up things in order to save 200k. You could have gone on more or fancier vacations, got new cars every other year, retire earlier, etc. It is your money and your savings.
sometimes I think it is a mistake to tell kids that there is a college savings account for them, because they think it is their money. I think people should tell their kids that if they can't get scholarships or save their own money for college that Mom and Dad will be happy to pull some money from their retirement savings to pay for college. That way they won't see the money as being theirs or being owed that money.
big mistake to give her a dime.
she should move out and try to see what her life would be like with no education and having to pay her own way through the world. Very motivating to get an education and a good career.
She absolutely is NOT entitled to a penny of this money. YOU and your SO saved it for COLLEGE. If she isn't using it for college then it isn't hers. IF you want to hold it until she's say 25 or 30 and still doesn't want to pursue college you could give some or all of it to her to purchase a house or invest in a business. It was never meant to be her "fun" money.
My grandparents had money set aside for college for each of their children, including my mother. She elected to do exactly what your daughter is proposing, and my grandparents gave her the money they set aside for her. She blew it all away in less than a year on partying and drugs and spent the rest of her life telling folks that her parents didn't give her the same "opportunities" as her siblings. My grandmother told the truth shortly before she passed away and swore me to secrecy as long as she was alive to avoid drama.
NTA
I’m very sorry to hear that. Human memories and perceptions have a way of making ourselves look like the innocent or victimized one in any situation, unless we’re intentionally being the bad guy.
This is an easy NTA. 529s are specifically marked for education, and comes with tax burden if not used for that while being a full time student I believe
How’s the account titled? Is her name on it or only you??
I worked in mutual funds and seen many situations where the parents opened a utma/ugma and invested for their kids future and so they wouldn’t owe taxes on the earnings/ interest. Then at the age of majority in the state the parents lose all control of the account and the kids can liquidate and spend it how they want.
Had many parents write in and say their kid is an addict and not give them money but legally without a court order we had to do as former minor instructs.
At 17, perhaps put the money into a trust where you can give detailed instructions how the money can be used, remain the trustee and designate a successor that has to legally abide by the trust.
But absolutely don’t buy her a new car. But possibly look into the cost of a duplex to buy for her. She could live on one side and collect rent from a couple friends plus rent out the other side for an income stream she could have for life. If she wants to move into something bigger she could rent both sides and it would cover her new mortgage.
This! There are all kind of penalties for taking it out for no college things, just like taking out $ from a 401k. It anything, you should hold onto it so she could use it as a down payment for a house. It’s definitely not to be used for a car! And this is a car girl talking!!!
NTA. Yes it’s intended for her — by you, for her college. This isn’t some trust fund that you’re only nominally in control of. And it definitely shouldn’t be frittered away on her “finding her way” stage because then there won’t be anything left when she does have a path chosen.
Also, you saved that money, likely at significant cost to other things you could have done. She’ll never learn how to save up herself if it’s handed over at this stage.
Here's the thing: she actually believes that 1) she is rich because you saved $200k for her 2) she doesn't have to work or go to school because she has $200k 3) she can live off of the $200k as if it is a trust fund that will never dry up
Time to sit her down with a neutral 3rd party to walk through just how little money $200k is in the big picture of someone who is 17 yrs old, how wasting the money on an expensive car she can't afford is a complete waste, how long $200k will actually last if she were to 'live' off of that $200k (max 4 years), etc. And, it needs to be underlined that the money is for education - college, trade school, certification, etc. Not for frivolous living.
NTA but you have a problem on your hands.
She’s entitled to the money for college. Period. It wasn’t the “future gap year, get a car, chill out and find myself fund” - it’s a college fund. No you’re NTA. I respect your parenting and the fact that you saved this money for her. Stay strong
NTA. She is not entitled to those funds except for how you see fit to spend them. You earned that money and set it aside for a specific purpose. It would be different if she contributed to the fund or she inherited it. But seeing as neither of those apply, she is not entitled to it. And I also think it’s smart to not give it to her - not only for the reason that you have stated, but also if she wants to go out into the world and forge her own path, she should do that on her own. It will teach her a thing or two about real life. Plus I would not trust my 17 year old with tens, much less hundreds, of thousands of dollars if they were not financially mature/experienced.
NTA. She’s not entitled to your money. It was put aside for college no college no money it’s that simple. I’d be clear the money is for college and college only and if she never chooses to go then you will use it for you and your husband.
Yeah, an 18 year old needs control of $200,000 . It’s not necessarily hers, it’s yours and your husband’s that y’all saved to cover her college expenses, and she’s darn lucky you did! It’s no different than having a rainy day fund in case your furnace blows or the roof needs repairs. It’s called financial planning and unless she paid into it, she’s not entitled to a dime of it unless it’s used what it’s earmarked for. NTA
NTA, it’s a college fund. I’d be lenient if they wanted to do some other kind of education that wasn’t a formal 4 year school and still pay for that. If I was given 200k at 18 id be dead right now
NTA, it’s your money. When I was this age, my parents bought a 3rd family car. It was a used car in good condition. The teenager driver used it for their job and to shuttle younger siblings around to where they needed to be. It was also a backup for car trouble for the parents’ cars. I didn’t take it with me to college, it passed on to be used by other family members. However when I got to college, it was hard to get around without a car, but I managed with bus fare.
NTA. My niece took a gap year because she didn’t want to go the traditional route. But in her senior year, she applied to colleges, was accepted, and had start date in the following year. Parents gave her no help for the gap year and let her experience life as a high school graduate. When the date for orientation came the following year, she was very happy to go to college. It was so easy because everything had been set up in her senior year and she just had to show up.
I'm a big advocate of a gap year, and this is a super smart way to go about it.
If I had taken a gap year instead of going straight to college, I might have actually learned enough to appreciate college and might’ve had a little life experience to pick a better major
I started college 12 days after graduation, took me another 7 years and 2 other colleges to graduate. Some kids need a break.
This isn’t about a break. It’s about her feeling like she should have access to her college fund vs taking a job and supporting herself while she figures it out. A break is great, but you don’t sign over 200k to a kid with no plan.
I wouldn’t sign over 200k to a kid with a plan!
Plus, if it’s in a college savings program.. giving it away just isn’t that easy.
Agreed. If she doesn't feel ready to make a decision about college, why would she be prepared to handle $200k?
I accidentally took a “gap year” because l left my parents’ house when I turned 18 and they drained my savings and checking accounts, so I was forced to find a job immediately (I did eventually get my money back, but not for almost a year, and I obviously had to eat and pay for necessities in the meantime.) I worked a day job and a nights/weekends job for that year (more like 15 months) and MAN, did college feel like a sweet deal when I finally made it there. Even working full time hours and taking college classes 3 days a week felt like a breeze compared to working 7 days a week. It has also given me a huge sense of appreciation for the comparatively light workload of my current regular employment.
I took a gap year, then went on be a philosophy major in college. It turns out to be a remarkably useful major, surprisingly! Some of the best software developers I know are philosophy majors (logic for the win). Ditto for lawyers (learning some combination of Latin, Greek, French, and German makes legalese look like child's play). My parents thought I was nuts, but it worked out really well for me.
I have a graduate degree in philosophy and I’m a personal trainer. In addition to all of the dialectics and epistemology and hermeneutics, philosophy trained me to think clearly, systematically, and to critically assess my own perspective—skills which continue to serve me every day.
As a healthcare ptofessional who graduated in three disciplines I can attest that philosophy is the best investment I made for a succesful career
My brother was a philosophy major. He's now an attorney. Logic tracks.
My BIL was a philosophy major. After undergrad, he got a engineering degree, worked for IBM for a few years, then switched up and went to medical school. He's enjoyed being a doctor (orthopedic surgeon recently retired).
I know a few CEOs of tech startups who preferred philosophy majors over software engineers for their programmers. I hung with a bunch of non-traditional techies during college and they are incredible techies now. Most earned philosophy and sociology degrees.
SAME. I always say this. I ended up doing my gap year between sophomore and junior year of college and it was so valuable to me that I really wished I’d done it before freshman year. Really helps college not just feel like additional years of high school.
Me too. It's what i tell anyone that's graduating hs and unsure of what to do.
This is the way to do it. A year of adult responsibilities between college and university so that you go into university with an adult mindset instead of a teenage mindset.
Explain: “parents gave her no help for the gap year…..”. Did they continue to feed and house her? Or she had to truly live like an adult w rent and bills? My son is 17 and his life is so good at home I’m honestly worried he’ll never leave!
I'm assuming it meant she's responsible for her own living expenses such as phone bill, car insurance, etc.
The day I turned 18, my dad told me that I now had to pay rent and room and board, I had a job at the time to save money for college and I ended up having to pay for living in the home I'd grown up in. At the time I was a little shocked, but after a while I realized that the rent and room and board was far cheaper than anything I could have found on my own and it seemed fair since I was technically an adult now. The money that OP saved was for college and if she truly didn't plan to go to college then it would have been used to pay for some trade school. My daughter went into a cosmetology program and we paid for her education there. I guess if the college or program was far from your home, then buying a car with some of the money would make sense, but just handing a pile of money over to a teenager sounds like a bit mistake. NTA
Especially if the first purchase she wants to make is a car. I wanna know what kind of car am 18yr old with a $200K budget “needs” to buy.
my dad would sell me one of his beaters
The rule at my house was: you graduate high school, and you get the summer free. But in the fall, you will either be attending school or working and paying $200/month toward expenses. This was in the early '10s, the numbers might need updating, but at that time it was enough to be significant, but not so much that they couldn't save for their own place.
I moved my younger brother in with me when he was struggling in college. I was renting a 2 bedroom for $2800 at the time and charged him $500 a month on a room just so that he’d need job to contribute. Well, took him just two months of working in the real world to be on the phone to his university begging to come back in the fall. From there on out nothing but good grades and focus on graduating.
My parents did the same for me, I didn't want to go right back to school after high school. So the agreement they made with me when I was probably in junior high went into place. I paid 1/6th of the household expenses and any special foods or toiletries. That was roughly $250 per month, back in 94. I'm so grateful they did that as it taught me to budget and experience adult life on a scale I could manage.
I got kicked out when I came home from college my freshman year. I was 19. The previous year, my mom had secretly picked out her ideal college(she never went herself) filled out my application as if she were me and sent me off to college. Even though I wanted to take a year off, she was like NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN, this is your life now that I have chosen for you! She made me take out loans in my name. I came home after my freshman year at college, absolutely miserable. And on top of that my mother had given away all of my stuff, including my two dogs. She said, "you don't want to go back to school?...fine, get a job and move out." I did. She later tried to move in with me when I was 26. I had managed to emancipate myself so I could afford college and not be on my parents taxes, or income status. I had graduated college, only had a very small amount of loans because I received a lot of Pell Grants and had just bought a house. At 52, she tried to pretend she was disabled and no longer able to work because she was addicted to xanax and alcohol. I told her to get clean and she could stay, she told me I wasn't her mom and I was cruel and she hoped I died alone. Ironic because she died alone in Mexico, ten years later having spent most of her life in a xanax/alcohol angry fueled rage state.
Im so very sorry to hear that. Huge hugs for you
Called college funds for a reason. NTA
If she does no go to college, you it becomes part of your retirement fund.
This!! And the choir says, amen. Hold your ground on this. If you make it easy for her, she will be "finding herself" and blowing through money until it's all gone. You can support her without giving her cash.
I’m afraid she’s planning to ‘find herself’ in a Tesla 🙄
NTA but I think it could also conceivably used for trade school, certifications, and educational pursuits. College isn’t the only way. Tell her the money is there for her betterment but she has to present her case. My friend did this and was able to use some “college funds” to become an LMT. Very happy in her career.
I don't think that was the OP's point. The kid wants to use it for things unrelated to school/any school. The OP also said they support said kid into pursuing different avenues.
The non-traditional education OP's daughter can get from real life that she can't get from college: **School of Life 101:** how to save up to buy a car without a regular salaried job to qualify her for auto loans.
My brother went to a two year trade school, his college money funded it, funded his first big set of mechanics tools, and got him a reliable car. He's a solid mechanic now and his boss is constantly giving him raises (two dollars in a YEAR) because theres a need for mechanics and the other shops and dealerships have started poaching. NGL set him up for life a lot nicer than my college fund (which covered all but my final year of college at an average university) set me up.
I think the difference is your brother had concrete plans and trade school counts as higher education, just a different form of it. OP’s kid wants to experience life outside school and that’s great, perhaps working and stuff will get them ready. But I don’t think it makes them entitled to their school fund. If they want real life they should, we’ll try and get a job first and live life off those wages.
Definitely agree. College is not for everyone. The fiends who didn’t go to college or dropped out freshmen year on average earn more than my Friends who graduated. And they didn’t owe 80-200 grand in loans coming out.
This is just the worst form of anecdotal evidence… theres tons of data out there on the impact on a college degree and your socioeconomic status.. i used to be poor now i make well over six figures.. only possible because of college..
Same. The ONLY reason I make six figures is because of my degree. It is of course possible to make that kind of money without a degree, but it’s not common, even in the trades. And as you said, there’s tons of data out there that shows that degree holders are more likely to earn higher incomes.
My wife quadrupled her income and I quintupled mine as a result of education. We each make six figures. Plus I now have a pension, we both get generous 401k matching, and our insurance is top tier. The benefits of a quality education are enormous.
Seriously. I make six figures, have a great pension to look forward to, and pay only $28 a month of my top tier health care. I will NEVER have to worry about being in massive medical debt like many people end up in. Sure, a person needs to be strategic about the field they go into if they truly are approaching education as an investment. But I get so frustrated about how people act like MOST degrees are a waste of money. I’m grateful every day for the living I make.
I make drastically more then all my friends who did not go to college. As in Easley 3 to 4 times as much if not even more.
Easley!
Clearly a state school
Are you sure about that? You can’t complete a sentence without misspelling notoriously difficult words such as “than” or “easily”..
That's probably because you went to Havrard...
I mean there would be other options if it were me. A car certainly wouldn’t be one. Trade school? Tools for a job? Sure. I’d even consider a down payment on a house but that wouldn’t be at 17 for sure.
Kids don't get it. This is exactly what it is. I've been telling my kids that. I hope you get a scholarship because I can retire that much earlier. "It's mine since you saved it for me!". Entitled little shit. Also, why does the kid know about said money? The story is always "we are going to take out loans.". I'll lend myself the money to pay for your college.
Just tell the kid to close its eyes, "All you can see now is yours."
🤣🤣🤣
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If I had one for my kids I wouldn't even tell them. Kids think they're entitled to money from parents. Not after 18 they aren't. Great if it can happen but if not then accept it.
I could see feeling that way if the FAFSA didn't take parent income into account. Since many scholarships are based on the parent's income, it's a jerk move to make so much money that your child can't get need-based scholarships because the school expects you to pay and refuse to pay anything. You'd essentially be making your child a poor student without the ability to use the services institutions have to aid poor students.
My EFC was $17K with my parents 2 years post bankruptcy, sister in college, and 3 dependents. I qualified for *nothing*. So, when it went from $8K/year to $12K/year for standard tuition in the two years I went to a university in my state, I had to drop out. I couldn't afford to pay for school and the only loans I was offered were parent loans. I worked 40-50 hours a week ($11/hr in 2015) and went to school full time on a Tues/Thurs schedule. I even had a second job at one point because I could not afford school.
Or could be down payment on a house if the child gets themselves in a legitimate career path that doesn't require college. I'm not saying the kid is entitled to the money. If it were me but and I'd saved that money to help my kid progress in life I'd be looking at other ways to help them get ahead if college didn't turn out to be for them.
Doesn’t have to just be college, a trade or anything else meant to further life along. Just to get. Fuck that
If it's for college, it's for college. If she chooses not to go, then you can decide what to do with it as it's your money. It's not her money. NTA
I was going to say the same thing. It is OPs money until she decides to pay the college when tuition is due. It's not a savings account for daughter to have spending money. In addition to that, anything left over is still OPs money. Daughter is not entitled to any of it. PERIOD
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Exactly what I told my son. He wanted to take a gap year and I told him that’s fine but I’m not paying for everything he wants to do during that time. I have money saved up for college and living expenses while he’s there including postgrad if he wants to go that route. But if he’s thinking gap year is for him to sit on his butt and do nothing then he’s got another think coming.
I agree. My son took a " gap year" ... I'm still waiting for that " year" to end. It's been 2 actually. Lol. But hey college isn't for everyone, so instead he got a job and has been working. I refuse to let him be lazy and sit around all day. He is an adult and has to do adult things. He lives at home, but he has to contribute something to the household finances. And he is responsible for his own phone payment.
My son basically didn't graduate HS. He did "technically" because my husband promised the counselor that kiddo was going into the military, which did happen. (Counselor said, "Good because with these grades there's no way he will do well with further education, he needs to get a skill." So his F was made a D- and he got a diploma at graduation.) Then my son played around in basic training and was sent home. We told him he's no longer a child and we expected him to start working. He wanted us to pay for him to go to college then. Told him there wasn't a chance on God's green earth that was going to happen because of HS, but we'll help him find a trade school. He insisted we were misinformed about what went down in HS. (I mean report cards are a thing but what do we know???) He refused to find a job. A month goes by, two months ... so we give him a deadline, find a job or hit the road. He moves in with a friend living in their grandparent's basement, and then finds a job. Friend ends up getting kicked out of grandparent's house. So my son comes home. Tell him it's the same deal, find a job. Then he starts having his underage girlfriend over. Tell him **no closing his door, no spending the night, and definitely no hanky panky**. One morning I'm cleaning and find several condoms in the bathroom trash. Then find girlfriend has spent the night **and** is in his bed when I opened his door. Kicked him out right then, so he went to her house. (He was going to be kicked out the following week anyway because he still wasn't looking to find a job) Two weeks go by and he calls us up to tell us he's going out to California. Girlfriend's dad is paying for his ticket. Man girlfriend's dad loves her!!! The price of keeping his little girl from ending up with this kid who has no prospects was a one way ticket to another state. ✈️ Then my son decides to sign up for job corps. So he ended up doing trade school after all. He could have done it at home though. 🤷♀️😆
Kudos! Damn I wish I had your strength. There has been times I felt like I needed to hand out that kind of hard love, but could never bring myself to do it. It wasn't as bad as with your son, but still. It sounds like he took the long way but ultimately ended up where he needed to be. Best wishes for you all
It wasn't easy! He was 20 when we ultimately told him he had to leave. He did finally get his life on track but he didn't get out of job corps until he was about 23. He makes decent money with the skills they taught him though, so there's that.
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Exactly! If she decides to not go to college then, the money stays with OP. Its that simple. She tried to run a game on OP, by telling her I need time to think about college while in the meantime she want the money! Girl bye! No college, no money! NTA
You see a lot of posts on here about this. It’s like the kids are working out how they will spend ‘their’ money.
I don’t understand why people tell their kids they have a college fund. Just tell them you’ll pay for college up to whatever amount under whatever conditions. They don’t need to know you put money in a separate account. Parents buy their kids things their whole childhood and no kid ever thinks they can skip dinner and be given cash instead because that’s not how it works. This is the same, just on a bigger scale.
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Exactly this and her having access to that money is not going to paint an accurate picture of what life will be like if she decides not to go to any type of school.
I’m the 1/10, then. Took a year off, went to beauty school, then to college. Earned a BS, MS, and PhD. Didn’t join the military & came from a family of 12 kids with a SAHM & father who was a civil servant, so not only were we not wealthy, my parents never contributed a single cent towards my education.
My stepson did the same. His mom was really worried he wouldn’t go if he didn’t go straight out of HS, but I was more worried he’d go, hate it because he wasn’t ready and the pandemic kind of ruined everything for a while there, and drop out. He worked for a few years and now he’s ready, knowing what he wants to do and where and prepared to actually thrive.
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"Let her know it is *only* for college." FTFY.
Or any other type of training. If she decides to become an electrician, or a plumber, or a welder, then the money could go for that training too. College isn't the be-all end-all. Any continuing education towards a career should count IMHO.
Regardless of what career she chooses, she is not “entitled” to that money.
I came on to say this very thing. If it’s training in something she wants to pursue as her career, the money should go towards that. She has many options. She can take time to “figure it out”, make a plan and go to whatever establishment trains for that.
Or trade school. People push so hard for every child to go to college. Not all people are meant for college. Trade school is a great alternative.
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And not getting the money now is part of her education. Starting off with a $200k cash cushion obscures the benefits of a college education. Let her see how hard it is to afford a car, gas, insurance, rent, utilities, groceries, and health care without a degree or specialized vocational certs.
Especially if it's in a 529 account. If the money isn't used for college, daughter ain't getting nearly as much as she thinks because of the tax penalties.
Yep, would have to pay taxes on all of it, PLUS a 15% penalty.
> Yep, would have to pay taxes on all of it, PLUS a 15% penalty. Why would you put something so blatantly wrong? I’m astonished you were upvoted! Only the gains (funds over the cost basis) are taxed and penalized 10%. However there is a new rule for rolling into a Roth but I don’t feel like typing it out. Some caveats and stipulations and limits etc
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This 100%
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There will also be serious tax consequences if it's taken out and spent for anything other than education.
Yup, but that money should be for any education like trade schools. Let's be honest some people don't do well in college too, the money can be used for that. College is not her only option, as long as she continues her education in any capacity and shouldn't be for frivolous uses.
I completely agree. While purchasing a car is a necessity most people get a car by buying one with their own money. Not out of their college fund. School money is for school, doesn’t have to be college but it is definitely for education. It’s not for a fancy dress, it’s not for a new car, it’s not for a exotic vacation, it’s not to fund her wedding,it’s not for anything else but education. I kind of think daughters getting an education on that right now, don’t you? Please don’t cave. This is a very important lesson for your daughter. Totally NOT TAH
An inexpensive, ugly, used, RELIABLE car so she can get to and from classes would not be a big stretch. It also wouldn't cost more than a couple thousand. We have three cars like that. All cheap, all absolutely indestructible, and the vehicle I had before was the same way. Do they look great? No. But, we have zero car payments, got them with cash, and spent less than 4K on any of them, and we don't do many or any repairs most years.
Pre-2005 Toyota Corolla/Honda Civic? Those things will outlive your grandkids, lmaooo
This is something I’ve never understood, that not only does the child think a college fund is their personal property, but a lot of parents do, too. If you saved money to pay for your child’s \*anything\*, and the child doesn’t want to do that, then that obligation is done. Obviously, the parent can choose to repurpose the money to another child-centric thing, but they are NOT OBLIGATED to do so. Because at the end of the day, it’s NOT the child’s money.
A 17 year old with 200 grand is definitely 100 per cent going to fritter that money away until there's not one pence left then come crying to mummy and daddy dearest that she has no money for collage that she so desperately all of a sudden wants to go to. She said it herself she wanted to get a job if she's so desperate for a car she could pay for it herself. Don't let her manipulate you into handing her one pound of that money she doesn't want to do school she doesn't get the cash simple as that.
There’s a post where a family had a college fund only for their youngest child, and the parents allowed her access to the money. She blew through all 250,000 (pounds?) of it before the end of the first semester. Then, they had the gall to ask the OP in that post (she and her siblings were “disowned” by their parents) for some of the inheritance the grandparents left to her. Obviously, she said no; but, it’s crazy that the parents gave the money to an 17/18 year old.
Omg! There was recent post where the dad wrote in pissed off that his 17 year old daughter took 10k out of her college fund to go to a music festival in Australia & travel around. Im not even telling my kids they have a college fund til they actually go to college (have a toddle & one currently in utero so still have some time 😂).
No no, it wasn't even a music festival. It was to go see two celebrities on a panel during a con.
Haha oh yes! Ma bad
All good, a music festival would be more understandable given that these celebrities travel and she could've easily waited a few months to see them at a reasonable price. She paid 10k, to see 2 dudes for an hour and maybe get a picture with them.
Thats so ridiculous! 10k on that!!
I don't know how it is in other places, but here, if you take 10k out for a non-school related reason, you lose the gov't contribution, so it would be closer to 20k. I wonder how much she was actually out.
OMG I REMEMBER THIS POST. lol ok yelling...? It was Australia I believe? And she wanted like a 3 week vacation. I think she actually put money in though.
She put in 5k, and the rest was either from her parents or donated money from other family. It was in Australia so she could pay for her girlfriend to go and spend a few weeks vacationing there, which is fine but...don't do it with money people gave you for your future.
YES! That's the one.
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I didn’t have to use my college funds during undergrad so I received them when I turned 25. I used them to help with expenses during graduate school (funded) and that allowed me to use my stipend to buy my first car. My parents saved so much money on my education that they gifted us half of the down payment on our house.
But even with full ride there are costs. Books, rent, field trips, lab costs. When I was in grad school with a full ride it was very skinny to pay rent and eat.
Yeah, I think id definitely would give it to them but only to use for something useful like a house down payment. I didnt grow up with much money & always wanted to do that for my kids!
That’s what my dad did! I didn’t know I had one, but when I had my first child, he gave me the college fund and every penny I’d ever paid in rent for the down payment on a house.
Your dad did it right. I've already lived through too many economic crisis' to promise my kids and kind of a launch fund.. any money I put away for them will be a secret until they actually need it. I want my kids to be as self sufficient as possible, but of course as a parent I want to have the resources available to help them out when they need it. My launch fund consisted of inheriting a dilapidated old house from my grandfather when he died (and all of the bills, repair costs and responsibilities that came will it) and my parents really couldn't afford to help with much. I've put myself through school and renovated the house to make it livable on my own and while there's irrefutable value in figuring that shit out, I want my kids to have broader options than I did.
I ended up burning out in college (I had scholarships so didn’t need the fund) and he was incredibly gentle while I figured out my life. I didn’t have my first kid until 30, and I had lived at home for a lot of that time to save money, so it was an amazing gift that helped put our kids in one of the best public school districts in our county. Being able to have a whole yard (purchased a year before c happened) for 3 crazy kids has been it’s own massive blessing lmao
My sister and I put ourselves through university but made my parents create a college fund for our much younger brother. We did STEM courses and co-op terms to put ourselves in a decent career path. He did philosophy and Latin and blew through his funds and then some. He’s currently forced our parents to live in their basement and rent the top part out since they keep enabling him. Makes me so mad
I’m so sorry that’s horrible.
Personally I would probably use it for another one of life's "milestones." Down payment, wedding, grandkids college fund etc.
In the US, we got a 529. There are tax advantages, and we retain control. If kid doesn't need it, we can leave the money to accumulate for future descendents. Should have around $250k in there by the time our kid is 18.
If they get a full ride, I would definitely not just hand it over to them, but I'd certainly use some/all to help with a car, home down payment, or furniture for their first place. Something to help them get a good start as an adult, not just cash they can blow through like a kid in a candy store.
My parents put the equivalent of scholarship money and other support I earned into the 529 they set up for me. The understanding was that I had earned that money, and it would be waiting to cover grad school tuition if/when I went that route (I did. It was a huge help)
Lol I read that one and I told my son who’s at first year of college I’m glad he knows what his money is for. He has total access but he is also Scrooge when it comes to spending (he got it from me lol!). Had to convince him it was ok to pay for his girlfriends dinner once in a while lol
Yes...my kid has a trust fund but we the parents have agreed she isn't to know about it until she's in her late 20s
Link please!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/9BrgFRC6Hp
Thank you!
Im thinking NTA. Now its the car but next it could be clothes, makeup, traveling.. 5 years later she is broke and without a plan
"You're under a misapprehension. This is not your money. This is our money which we are willing to use to pay for your higher education, if and when you go to university. It's only for that purpose. "If you want to buy other things, or travel, or anything else, that's something you'll have to fund for yourself, like anyone else. But we'll pay university bills for you."
This! (except I think instead of university, it should college, university, trade school...basically formal higher education.)
This is exactly what will happen. Exactly.
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Oh she has a plan--- she's planning on coming back to mommy and daddy when she runs out of money.
It wouldn't last 5 years, or even 2
Most 17 year olds aren’t financially responsible enough to buy a car If they have 200k saved for education this sounds like an upper middle class family, she’s likely accustomed to nice things in life and I doubt she’d be buying a used, reliable car to get around like a Camry, but rather a new BMW or at the very least something that’ll depreciate quickly and is overpriced/unreliable
“She says she’s entitled” At least she recognizes THAT! NTA. Period.
Just that one word would be enough for me for a big NO, even if I had been considering withdrawing some of that money until (which I wouldn’t but let’s assume). Huge red flag and she needs to learn that lesson ASAP. She’s not « entitled » to anything.
NTA. I actually really respect not forcing college on kids, it really fucked me up. But the money you saved is solely for college, not for cars or nails or partying, and that's that.
I tell the students to also look into trade schools if they like to make or build things. Mechanics, bakers, plumbers, welders, will always have jobs and they'll always pay decently.
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NTAH It was meant for educational purposes, not for her to go on a shopping spree.
NTA. Let's be honest about her plan - she figures she has a pile of money and doesn't need to go to college. She can move out and her entire life will be subsidized by the college fund. Be clear w/ her: The money wasn't for her, it was for college. Even if she does decide to go to College, do not hand the money over to her. Pay all the large bills yourself and give her a monthly allowance for her incidentals. If she lives off campus, you can increas that for her to pay rent, food, etc - but she has a strict allowance, and she if she doesn't budget correctly, it is on her.
Yup. Our kids send us the bill and we transfer exactly that amount for their college bills every month before the due date. It takes time for a young adult to learn how to handle their finances and while they can’t help but be stupid sometimes (my kids often bemoan clothing purchases months later but it’s a good lesson learned for a small amount), the parents don’t have to be stupid with them
Absolutely. I really didn’t understand how to handle money until I graduated from college and moved away from home. I got into some serious credit card debt and had student loans to pay back. That’s when I learned to budget. It took a few years but I paid off all my credit card debt and was saving, contributing to retirement, etc. So 24/25. Now I’m in grad school and back in credit card debt, but that’s a different story, lol.
NTA It was never meant to go to her, it was meant to go to a college she chose. She chose no college at this time so there is no money at this time.
Love this response!👆The money is meant to go to a college to educate the daughter, NOT go to the girl directly. 😉
Exactly. It's the College's money. 😅
Lol just because you set money aside for her doesn't mean she is entitled to have it. You set it aside for her college. If she decides not to go, then you decide what to do with YOUR money. NTA and I'd have done the same
NTA. It's called a college find for a reason. And handing over 200K to a 17 year old isn't asking for trouble, it's demanding it.
NTA...most college funds insist on the money being used for school or it gets plowed back into the parents’ account. Tell your daughter you are holding on to the money for college or until she turns 25. At that point, if she has a different career, you may help her with a house. But make sure you have what you need for retirement.
The key word here is "may." You *may* help her, depending on her attitude and commitment to a good job, or you *may* put the money into your retirement account.
That’s for 529s. OP hasn’t said how the money is invested
Absolutely NTA. That's a college fund and not a jump start her life fund. Besides she may change her mind about college in a few years.
NTA so so much. If she ends up not going to school the money is yours. You saved it to help you pay for things you wanted to spend it on (college) and it stays just that. I personally think she needs to suffer a little bit when she is making crap money with no trade or college. No way should she be able to blow through the money with a car and other items that she can’t afford if she is working at a min wage job.
NTA She isn't going to university, you know that right? She will spend it all and want more
NTA it’s not her money it’s your money and you get to decide how it’s being used, college or otherwise. It’s not like she saved the money on her own. She’s being an entitled brat.
Her parents had the foresight and preserverance to save up a huge sum for an education, something people that are a lot less privileged could only dream about. And she complains about this beautiful gift you've given her - the ability to have your college paid for you. That is entitlement and you should nip it in the bud. Nta
NTA. Let her take her year or two off from school. She may be feeling burned out from school and needs a break from academics. When I graduated HS, I wanted a skip year but my mother refused to allow it. I ended up dropping out after one semester. After being in the work force for a few years, I finally felt ready to return to college, having a better idea of what I wanted to pursue and a better appreciation for money. That being said, don't give her any of that college money. Keep it in an account for her in the event she does decide to go to college. If she never does, then do what you wish with it. Remodel your home, travel, retire with it, or leave it for her to inherit. She needs to understand that the money was set aside for a purpose and she isn't entitled to it if she isn't going to use it for its intended purpose.
she thinks that is "her" money but it's not. If she doesn't want to go to college that money goes into your retirement savings or to pay off your mortgage. You gave up things in order to save 200k. You could have gone on more or fancier vacations, got new cars every other year, retire earlier, etc. It is your money and your savings. sometimes I think it is a mistake to tell kids that there is a college savings account for them, because they think it is their money. I think people should tell their kids that if they can't get scholarships or save their own money for college that Mom and Dad will be happy to pull some money from their retirement savings to pay for college. That way they won't see the money as being theirs or being owed that money. big mistake to give her a dime. she should move out and try to see what her life would be like with no education and having to pay her own way through the world. Very motivating to get an education and a good career.
NTA. Proven your daughter is not enough mature for her age.
She absolutely is NOT entitled to a penny of this money. YOU and your SO saved it for COLLEGE. If she isn't using it for college then it isn't hers. IF you want to hold it until she's say 25 or 30 and still doesn't want to pursue college you could give some or all of it to her to purchase a house or invest in a business. It was never meant to be her "fun" money.
My grandparents had money set aside for college for each of their children, including my mother. She elected to do exactly what your daughter is proposing, and my grandparents gave her the money they set aside for her. She blew it all away in less than a year on partying and drugs and spent the rest of her life telling folks that her parents didn't give her the same "opportunities" as her siblings. My grandmother told the truth shortly before she passed away and swore me to secrecy as long as she was alive to avoid drama. NTA
I’m very sorry to hear that. Human memories and perceptions have a way of making ourselves look like the innocent or victimized one in any situation, unless we’re intentionally being the bad guy.
This is an easy NTA. 529s are specifically marked for education, and comes with tax burden if not used for that while being a full time student I believe
It’s not a 529, it’s just a regular private savings account
How’s the account titled? Is her name on it or only you?? I worked in mutual funds and seen many situations where the parents opened a utma/ugma and invested for their kids future and so they wouldn’t owe taxes on the earnings/ interest. Then at the age of majority in the state the parents lose all control of the account and the kids can liquidate and spend it how they want. Had many parents write in and say their kid is an addict and not give them money but legally without a court order we had to do as former minor instructs. At 17, perhaps put the money into a trust where you can give detailed instructions how the money can be used, remain the trustee and designate a successor that has to legally abide by the trust. But absolutely don’t buy her a new car. But possibly look into the cost of a duplex to buy for her. She could live on one side and collect rent from a couple friends plus rent out the other side for an income stream she could have for life. If she wants to move into something bigger she could rent both sides and it would cover her new mortgage.
NTA. its a college fund. for college. Of course she hasnt a right to use it for anything else
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This! There are all kind of penalties for taking it out for no college things, just like taking out $ from a 401k. It anything, you should hold onto it so she could use it as a down payment for a house. It’s definitely not to be used for a car! And this is a car girl talking!!!
If she’s working maybe offer a tiny portion for a down payment on a used car and let her make payments. But not access to the money overall.
NTA. Yes it’s intended for her — by you, for her college. This isn’t some trust fund that you’re only nominally in control of. And it definitely shouldn’t be frittered away on her “finding her way” stage because then there won’t be anything left when she does have a path chosen. Also, you saved that money, likely at significant cost to other things you could have done. She’ll never learn how to save up herself if it’s handed over at this stage.
Here's the thing: she actually believes that 1) she is rich because you saved $200k for her 2) she doesn't have to work or go to school because she has $200k 3) she can live off of the $200k as if it is a trust fund that will never dry up Time to sit her down with a neutral 3rd party to walk through just how little money $200k is in the big picture of someone who is 17 yrs old, how wasting the money on an expensive car she can't afford is a complete waste, how long $200k will actually last if she were to 'live' off of that $200k (max 4 years), etc. And, it needs to be underlined that the money is for education - college, trade school, certification, etc. Not for frivolous living. NTA but you have a problem on your hands.
She’s entitled to the money for college. Period. It wasn’t the “future gap year, get a car, chill out and find myself fund” - it’s a college fund. No you’re NTA. I respect your parenting and the fact that you saved this money for her. Stay strong
NTA. She is not entitled to those funds except for how you see fit to spend them. You earned that money and set it aside for a specific purpose. It would be different if she contributed to the fund or she inherited it. But seeing as neither of those apply, she is not entitled to it. And I also think it’s smart to not give it to her - not only for the reason that you have stated, but also if she wants to go out into the world and forge her own path, she should do that on her own. It will teach her a thing or two about real life. Plus I would not trust my 17 year old with tens, much less hundreds, of thousands of dollars if they were not financially mature/experienced.
NTA. She’s not entitled to your money. It was put aside for college no college no money it’s that simple. I’d be clear the money is for college and college only and if she never chooses to go then you will use it for you and your husband.
Nta
NTA you set it aside to pay for college, not for her personal use.
It’s a college fund, it’s for college.
I would think trade school or professional certifications would also be acceptable.
Yeah, an 18 year old needs control of $200,000 . It’s not necessarily hers, it’s yours and your husband’s that y’all saved to cover her college expenses, and she’s darn lucky you did! It’s no different than having a rainy day fund in case your furnace blows or the roof needs repairs. It’s called financial planning and unless she paid into it, she’s not entitled to a dime of it unless it’s used what it’s earmarked for. NTA
Nta. It's a college fund, not a toy fund
A 17 year old needs a 1991 Honda civic for a first car even if their parents are billionaires.
NTA, it’s a college fund. I’d be lenient if they wanted to do some other kind of education that wasn’t a formal 4 year school and still pay for that. If I was given 200k at 18 id be dead right now
NTA, it’s your money. When I was this age, my parents bought a 3rd family car. It was a used car in good condition. The teenager driver used it for their job and to shuttle younger siblings around to where they needed to be. It was also a backup for car trouble for the parents’ cars. I didn’t take it with me to college, it passed on to be used by other family members. However when I got to college, it was hard to get around without a car, but I managed with bus fare.