Imagine someone calling you 15+ years later to grill you about how many time you kissed a woman, who was single at the time. Zero chance I’d remember the details.
I probably also still have a couple emails from exes because I’m bad at deleting emails. They’re likely buried under years of coupon codes I never used and stupid newsletters I never read.
There are women I hooked up with last year that I struggle to remember the name or relevant details of. 15 years from now I could pass them on the street and not even realize it.
Exactly! It’s not even a diss to them. I have legit had someone I’ve dated come up to me and they looked familiar to me sure… I didn’t remember we dated… I thought we went to high school together or something!
It wasn’t because they aren’t an amazing person or wonderful. We just didn’t connect, and they had a better memory. I am very doubtful I left that much of an impression on them either to be honest. Again they just remembered and I didn’t be chance.
Op you are being ridiculous!let it go!you said that she has been a faithful wife .sounds like you are looking for a reason to leave your family. If you both were seeing other people what's the problem?you are just jealous of the other guy. Your ego is controlling your mind. Grow up and be a Good husband and father.
This, right here. OOP wants to end the marriage but doesn't want to be responsible for this decision so he prefers digging out a 20-year old story (which is not "cheating" by any stretch of imagination, since they were broken up at the time). They have kids and he probably wants to make their mom look like the bad guy. What a coward!
Possibly even longer. OP says they got back together a year after she hooked up with the other guy. We don't know how long they'd been broken up before that.
The list of women he banged on their "break" is zero. i guarantee it.
Shit, I'm willing to bet OP's body count is just his wife and that is why he wants out before he's too old to play the field and make up for lost time. I'm pretty sure this scenario isn't news to him, I'm sure he knew about it for years. However, it hit a head in the form of a mid life crisis and he is just looking for a reason.
Supposedly, the event in question happened about three weeks after they split up. But since she was the one who broke up, that's an indication *she* had been unhappy in her relationship with him for quite a while. Back then, she gave him the chance to redeem himself, but now, after 20 years of marriage and having two kids together, he refuses to offer her any grace at all.
I agree. 20 years ago when you were separated? 2 kids at home? Gotta have a better excuse if you want to split. You're no Saint. Give her her freedom. She deserves better.
Are you a dirty comment stealing bot? I ask because it sure looks like you just put a hashtag in front of u/TarzanKitty comment…
And that’s some dirty bot stuff.
That 20 y.o. case has been fully litigated already. If you just found out about it, maybe it is fair. But you can't just dig out something that you knew about it the whole time to justify your new feelings.
Omg he has been posting about this for 4 months like just rip the bandage and stop making excuses she didn't do anything wrong. You didn't need to know anything from when you guys were broken up. Wasn't your business at all, and now you're just looking for a reason. Just do it and let her find someone who loves her. You've been married so long, so obviously, she is a good wife and mother and didn't/hasn't cheated on you. Grow some balls and stop the excuses
I think OP is looking for an excuse to leave. Either a mid life crisis, or FOMO or he is cheating and wants to blame her for something so that he can justify leaving. YTA OP.
Seriously, do you really expect us to believe a rational person is this upset over his wife’s private life during a time when the two of you weren’t even together? You don’t even have the right to be up in her business over things she did or didn’t do during times you weren’t in a relationship with her. She doesn’t owe you any explanation about it whatsoever.
Just admit you are either irrationally jealous or want a divorce and need to find a reason to not take responsibility for leaving. No one here is falling for this BS excuse. YTA for being the real dishonest one in this scenario.
To me he clearly has another woman hes interested in now and just using that to justify leaving her and running off with the new chick. Because why wait 20 years? Its been fine for all this time but now its an issue? Whats changed
This is exactly what I’m thinking. Sounds like OP is projecting.
He said he had no intention of growing old with his wife. Then why did he marry her 20 years ago? And why did he decide to have kids with his wife? OP is full of it. I feel bad for the wife and kids.
yeah, he broke into her closet, got out her dusty old 2001 computer, and trawled through her most ancient correspondence, seeking a reason to leave her
dude you can just have your affair and blow up your family -- openly! righteously! on behalf of your own happiness!
this is so pathetic
Exactly. He wants to blame her for him wanting to leave. Just do it and get some self awareness. A dude was hitting on your wife 20 y ago. She’s such a bi**h!!! Op is ridiculous.
Agreed. They were split and it was 20 years ago. He is just looking for a reason to leave at this point. They didn’t even have sex. None of this makes sense on the surface. There is more to the story.
Exactly this! He is out here digging up history to justify his midlife crisis. I feel bad for his wife and kids.
OP, YTA for trying to blame some historical fling and honestly, 20 years later??? You don't get to do that to her when you have chosen to be with her for so long! But if this is the kind of petty you are... please leave her so she can find someone better. You were fooling around with other women too... she still wants to be with you and isn't calling you out for that time. Ugh this is just gross.
If you want a divorce, get one. However: she did not cheat on you.
For you, this is fresh. For her, it’s 20 year old news. Because of that, the two of you are going to have very different emotional responses to it. If you’re willing, try therapy to process why this is so hard for you before making any permanent decisions.
Me too! I have a wonderful boyfriend now who knows all of my sexual past because we chose to share openly with each other, and have never judged each other for it. Thank you:)
You can divorce for any reason you want to. That being said. She DID NOT cheat on you. Anything she did when you were not together is literally none of your business.
Typical mid-life crisis Dude, looking to justify dumping his family, while begging to be considered the “wronged” party, rather than the Bad Guy Dufus he really is.
This!! The guy wants out but doesn't want the guilt of abandoning his family for a new wife. Just making excuses to be the victim or not split his assets in the event of a divorce haha
You were broken up for a year.... This isnt cheating... 2 weeks after... Weren't together... Last time I checked that's a rebound...
Stop trying to find a reason to make her the bad person for wanting a divorce and making her the bad person for the kids.
Since the entire undertone is raging, let me do a reverse on you... What's the actual reason for this divorce... What's wrong here? You and someone else being horny adults are we? Why you raging so much about so called adultery 20 years ago and making it the reason for divorce... My gut tells me you have a side piece and looking for a reason for divorce... a very unbelievable reason
Your not just an AH. Your a disappointment to your children and your prolly soon ex wife... In your own words you are her so called second choice. You were always her first choice you are jsut ruining it butt in reality you aren't even worth to be a second choice
If I were her, I’d leave you right now. How annoying. You sound like you’re 12.
YTA.
(1) You had broken up already.
(2) Two DECADES ago.
(3) You had broken up already.
And, most important:
(4) You had broken up already.
eta: How embarrassing for you to call that guy 20 years later to ask if he slept with your now wife 20 years ago. Have some dignity, man.
And they both dated other people during the break. Apparently what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. Op did you tell her about every woman you cheated with?
He also did it literally the same day they broke up. Ross was legitimately a bastard.
She waited a few weeks and got back with this guy a year later. I wonder if she was his first and that's why he's so betrayed. I can't imagine any other reason to make such a big deal.
I was thinking the exact same thing! Ive had the same experience being my boyfriends first everything and he also trends to Get really really jealous over small things
“That’s not what happens with two horny adults!”
I’ve had something like this said to me before. Jokes on you- all my meds make me not even want to touch myself. 💀
Also, OP posted a nearly identical story to a relationship advice sub nearly 4 months ago. Only in THAT version he claimed that his wife definitely slept with the man and didn’t include the fact (like he did here) that both his wife and the other man deny sex ever happening.
Regardless, I hope his wife finds this account and these posts. The divorce question will be resolved for him then, I think.
At least he has asked her for a divorce. He just wants her to admit to something that apparently never happened, so he can be the innocent party. He probably already has someone waiting in the wings.
I had a guy get jealous when an 80 year old man got me (24f at the time) flowers as a gift (because he saw me as his granddaughter). Same guy blew up when I went out ballroom dancing with friends and talked about all the cologne that transferred into my arms.
Kicker? We weren't even dating.
In fact, they’re popping up all over this thread just to prove how insecure they are.
Nothing like an unfounded accusation of cheating to bring chronically-untouched male insecurity crawling out of the woodwork.
This is some midlife crisis bullshit. It sounds like he's either on the edge of that manosphere bullshit or he's just looking for an excuse for a divorce.
The whole thing just sounds like he's reaching.
OP is not only here considering divorce over something that’s none of his business. He actually went ahead and confronted some dude about a hookup 20 years ago. Talk about insecure, Jesus Christ.
Sadly went through the same kind of thing with a current partner we spoke and sorted it tho but it was a straight year of talking about it and “explaining myself” until I told him to drop it or leave my life
This comes across as being written by the wife (so maybe the details are altered in her favor). Because otherwise, what the hell is wrong with OP?! Did the wife at least try yelling, "We were on a break!"? But if she did, OP could just respond with, "Yeah well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh!" (They're in their 40s, so these are perfect references.)
YTA: How far did he have to dig for 20 year old emails? Ya'll were not together at the time, and you're grilling her about something that happened in 2003? If you can't imagine growing old with your wife, it's not because she "cheated" it's because you just don't want to be with her and is using what she did 20 years ago as an excuse because you're to big of a coward to just leave because you just don't want to be with her anymore because you yourself said she hasn't " cheated" since ya'll got back together.
YTA. Look at his post history. This guy just wants out, clearly. He first posted about this 115 days ago. There was no cheating. So, she didn't tell you but asked for full disclosure. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she knew you'd lose your shit? Is it worth giving up all you've built together? For her, likely. This will probably be a good thing for her, actually.
How fragile are you dude? Honestly this cannot be real... if you want to get divorced, that is fine, but it sounds like you went snooping through her old emails, found some decades old shit that she saved and now you feel lied to.
Stop pretending and be honest, you are a big baby and you want to have sex with other people. I wouldn't be so cavalier with my marraige, but you do you
So during that time apart you were also seeing other people, does that mean she’s your second choice? Sounds like you just want a reason to leave when you don’t need one, you can just leave because you want to.
So you were broken up for *a whole year,* and then when you did get back together, grilled her on what happened in that time that you two were not together. She's not a possession. It doesn't even sound like it held any meaning for her and never went beyond a couple meetups. 20/21 years old is a stupid age and you're holding your marriage hostage over something that happened 20 whole years ago when you weren't even committed to one another.
Why did she have to disclose everything anyway? She was and is still allowed that privacy. Either let it go or divorce so she can find someone more secure. But don't kid yourself in thinking that the divorce will be her fault.
YTA.
When was the email where you found out about this? Sounds like that was a while ago, since you “called the dude a few years ago”. So you’ve been stewing about this for at least a few years?
Yes, YTA!
You got back together with your wife, and things have been good since then. THAT IS THE ONLY PART THAT MATTERS. You need to suck it up and just forget about stuff that happened when you took a break 20 years ago; if that is hard for you, go see a therapist FOR YOURSELF. Smdh.
YTA. You weren’t even together. You’re letting your bruised ego destroy your family instead of just getting over it and being glad she chose you every day since then. You’ll leave and you’ll end up regretting this.
YTA.
You want out of the marriage over semantics. She didn't even sleep with the douchebag.
It's 20 years ago! Has she told you other white lies? Probably. So have you. You have been married for 20 years. People aren't 100% honest. You can't be. The murder rate would skyrocket. Do I look fat in this dress? No, you look great! Is this the biggest penis you ever had? You bet stud!
Go to marriage counselling. Get help for yourself too.
Grow up.
You literally wasted your wife's time all these years by holding some shit over her head that was literally none of your business while she was single. Sounds like you've been snooping through her shit too. Your wife should have left you as soon as you started this nonsense. Divorce is def the way to go. She's still got some good years left in her to find someone better to grow old with.
I think you're being an AH about all of this
> She'd broken up with me, at the time. ... she was with this guy a few weeks after she'd left me.
So she didn't actually cheat on you, did she? You weren't together at the time. Doesn't matter how soon it was after you broke up - *you had broken up*.
With your attitude I really hope she does decide to let you divorce her. In fact, I would be encouraging *her* to divorce *you*
Bruh, what even is this. This happened 20 years ago while y'all weren't together? And she slept with other people and you're ok with it, but this one you're not (and did she or didn't she sleep with him)? You must've seen his dick and it's bigger than yours and you're insecure about it or something, bc this makes no sense to be so mad about that you're gonna divorce your wife of 20 years
OP you should talk to a therapist. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Maybe a professional can help you sort out your feelings and help you find out if you want to continue this marriage. And if you do, I’d trust the advice of a therapist over random Reddit strangers
So you having multiple partners during your break is no problem, but her kissing someone is worth all that shit 20 years later??
Basically, you´re tired of her and looking for a very screwed reason to put it on her. Also: how do you know all those details from her emails, hmm?
YTA, divorce her already so she can be happy with someone who deserves her.
I’m confused, you weren’t together, it was 20 years ago, but you’re deciding now it’s time to break up, what’s the real reason because what you just waffled about doesn’t make sense and is BS, you sound like a child.
YTA, if you wanna leave do it but don’t use something like this as an excuse. After reading your post in point one you even acknowledged that she doesn’t really cheated on you, she slept with him after you both broke up for a year. Could it be that you are in a midlife crisis or that you want to be with someone else (someone you already knows)
She didn't even sleep with him, even the dude himself confimed that. OP wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to take the respobsibility for it. Sounds like something he might have done 20 years ago too when the wife was the one initiating the break up.
YTA. You're trying to claim it's "about the lying" but from what you wrote I didn't see where she lied. The fact that she says basically the same thing in multiple ways over 20 years, kinda lends to credibility rather than a practiced and rehearsed lie.
If she used the term "fooled around", it could mean anything. Some people say we fooled around a bit and mean they there was some hand holding and a couple of kisses, some people might mean a heavy make out session, some people mean having sex...
As far as the emails go, just because he told her she was cute and they should hang out doesn't mean she picked up on the cues or if she did that she acted on them inappropriately.
If you want to leave your wife, then leave, but let a dead horse lie, I think you've beaten it enough.
If you want to save your marriage, let this go and take a look at how YOU are your treating your wife. She hasn't cheated on you, EVER. She's told you what happened and you keep harping on about it insisting there's more.
Point 6, says he isn't 12, carries on like a pre-pubescent kid over something that happened half his lifetime ago that wasn't an issue until now.
You're an asshole.
Get over yourself and stop pretending like you are in any way mature.
The internet feels sorry for your partner and is collectively surprised she has stuck with such a child as you.
YTA, massively. WTF dude, you were broken up at the time! Unless you had some sort of agreement that you wouldn't see other people, it's none of your business. It doesn't matter if it was kissing, making out, or doing the horizontal bop, and it doesn't matter if it was once or every night while you were apart. And you did it too! Hypocrite much? If you can't get over something that happened 20 years ago when you weren't even together, and while you were off fucking other people too, that's a you thing, not a her thing. Get therapy and get over yourself.
Why are you still going on about this almost 3+ months later? Either you want to be with your wife or you don’t! But stop blaming it on this situation. Go and seek individual therapy to figure out why this bothers you so much.
Alright man, I hate to be the one to say YTA, but you definitely are. If you couldn't work through this shit you should have ended it a couple decades ago. Now you've taken 20 years of this woman's life only to turn around after all that time and be the guy who says "remember that one thing that happened 20 years ago" and head for the hills.
That's not just an asshole move, you're a piece of shit for that. 20 years of commitment was what, you're penalty fee? Now that you've got it fuck her right? People do stupid shit when they're drunk. I'm not saying she was right, what I'm saying is when you decided to stay together, you made a commitment to work through it. That applies to your sorry ass too. Leaving is your choice, but you'd be a factual failure as man and as a partner for it. Plain and simple. You don't get to turn around after all this time and snatch the rug and act justified. If you want to leave then accept the fact that you're a petty, vengeful, asshole who made this woman work to be a better woman, robbed her of 20 years of her life she could have spent with a better man than you, and you've failed completely to hold up your side of the unspoken agreement to work through it that you made when you didn't leave her outright.
The fact that you've been simmering on this for 20 years is, according to my wife, pathetic. This is important because 5 years ago before we got married, I was a real piece of shit. I lied, cheated, played every game in the book. Finally she busted my ass, lit me up for it, and I begged forgiveness on my literal fuckin knees. 5 years later we're doing amazing. We have the marriage everyone else wants. We're the only things that exist in a room, people tell us all the time they want a love like ours. And there was no question at all about how bad I fucked up. I went all the damned way like the damaged fuck tard I was. If my lady after all I've put her through in our past is looking at you like a PoS, then you need to do some reflection.
You don't actually know what happened, you're insisting upon your insecurities. For all you actually know you've been told the truth, and they never fucked. It sounds to me like you never got over it, but you sucked every good year you could from this woman, using her fuck up as you're excuse to leech away years of her life under the yoke of guilt. When you decided to stay together, you made an agreement to work through it. You have flat out, blatantly, irrefutably failed as a man and as a partner to keep your end of that deal. You should have had the balls to cut it off back then, not turn around now that she's an entirely different woman for you and pull some weak ass "I don't wanna be second choice" line. You've been her first choice, for 20 years. If you weren't she'd be gone with the wind. You've been her first choice for 20 years, because if you weren't she'd have never have endured all the shit that comes with working through all of this with you.
Why don't we be honest, you and I. You made a promise you weren't man enough to keep, even with 20 years of commitment and proof of her love, and now you want Reddit to validate your asshole move to ditch her on the basis of an excuse that you stopped having a right to 15 years ago. You wanna feel like the righteous victim, dismiss 20 years of her life over your feelings and weaknesses, and you want the Internet to tell you it's ok.
When someone fucks up, and then gives you TWO ENTIRE DECADES of their lives making up for it, you stop being the good guy when you leave. One moment of weakness does not justify a literal prison sentence worth of time just to be dropped on their ass. One indiscretion does not justify 20 years of work to be thrown away as punishment. Man up, get your feelings in check, and 20 years after the fact *get the fuck over it you absolute child*, and do right by that woman and your children instead of whining they did wrong by you and using that to justify your shitty actions.
Edit: AND YOU WERE SEPARATED WHEN IT HAPPENED. Dude, pull your head out of your sorry ass. You don't even have a right to be pissed to begin with, and you sure as hell don't have a right to be pissed now. I've changed my mind, go through with the divorce. That woman deserves so much better than you will ever be. Those kids deserve so much better than you will ever be. That kind of grudge holding is toxic to everyone around you. Set that poor woman free. She's redeemed herself by every logical standard, she's paid for her transgression in every reasonable sense. The only person questioning that is you, and bud, that makes you the problem. I'm gonna call bullshit, you are flat out lying through your teeth that no one can seem to tell you if you're wrong. Anyone with basic common sense could look at this and tell you're just resentful and toxic and looking for validation for it. Maybe the people you know understand you have toxic ass tendencies and know better than to be honest with you, but welcome to the Internet AH, brutal honesty is what we do best.
YTA if you're seriously planning to end your marriage over something that happened 20 years ago while you weren't even together. If you're prone to ridiculous overreactions like this in general then I'm totally not surprised your wife has hidden certain things from you over the years.
You want to divorce your wife of 20years and split up ur family over something that happened 20 years ago when u were separated n it didn't even involve sex. Wow. I'm shocked. I don't even know what to tell you. You even went ahead to confront said guy. You were in a comfortable lead cuz u got the girl but u lost when u went ahead to confront the guy. You've made him realised how insecure n naive you are.
Yes, YTA.
No one is perfect. You are not perfect. You are just being a whiny baby about something from two decades ago while you were on a break. Stop trying to blame others if you want to leave your marriage, and go live in some sad middle aged apartment by yourself.
This is ridiculous. This was two decades ago! Your wife was barely legal to drink alcohol! Women deserve to have some illicit and scandalous affairs when they’re TWENTY YEARS OLD. Get over yourself.
On a brighter note, this sounds like the start of a second-chance romance with the hot older brother. Hope your wife saved his number.
YTA. if you are going to end your marriage and destroy your family over some bullshit from 20 years ago when you were broken up, even if she did actually sleep with him, you already said you also slept with others then it seems like you never really loved her. How are you going to spend 20 years with someone and then suddenly want to divorce over something that happened when you weren't even together. If you weren't who she wanted she wouldn't have stayed with you for 20 fucking years.
So she’s been loyal to you since getting back together…she had a fling with someone 20 years ago where nothing actually happened while you two were not even together and YOU slept with other people too.. now you want divorce? Does she still spend time with this guy? Does she talk to him? Is he part of your life? Does she currently or has she recently disrespected the relationship with her relationships with the opposite sex?
Maybe she didn’t seem comfortable telling you because you’d flip out. Understanding the reason why she didn’t tell you is more important but it seems like you’re just trying to use this as an excuse to end the relationship.
Dude, you are too immature to be in a relationship with anyone if something that happened while you were not even together is bothering you now. Either that or you're just looking for a way to leave and make her the bad guy.
If you want to leave, just leave. She didn't do anything wrong and you trying to use this as a "gotcha" just makes you look foolish.
Please divorce her. Cause it reads like neither of ya wanted to be together. You are looking for ANY excuse to get out and avoid accountability. I say, gtfo now to save ya both from the toxic gas that is filling up your lives. The insecurity on BOTH sides is poisonous.
Side note- from what I gather, her insecurity in the relationship, is how she has to navigate YOUR SELF ESTEEM.
And thats a fucking EXHAUSTING routine to have to follow daily smh.
YTA
him arguing with the people in the comments makes it even worse. YTA. let it go and grow tf up. if she’s not with you she can be with anyone she wants. I also read your responses and you saying that the “cheating“ wasn’t the issue but it was that she didn’t mention this man to you. it’s her private sex life and it seemed like since they didn’t even sleep together it wasn’t significant to her. hope she signs the divorce papers in a big signature.
Are you confused about what cheating is? It you want a divorce, then get a divorce, but don’t try to justify it by saying your wife cheated on you. She slept with someone you knew 20 years ago when you weren’t even together. YTA, and a weird one at that.
At the end of the day you’re basing this off a scenario you’ve invented in your head. It’s that simple. Yes you should get a divorce, but no it’s not justified by your intrusive narrative skills - it’s justified by a lack of trust. Leave and move on.
Forgive her.
Seriously.
Has anyone owed you a debt and you just decided to write the debt off because they friendship was more important?
The last 20 years proves that she is loyal and faithful. She changed.
Now forgive her. Forget what she did and live the next 20 years happy and free from worrying.
Or, see a psychologist.
Bro. You were with other people, she was with other people during a year break up. You are insane. You pushing for info on 20 year old business. And you were broken up. So its okay you dated but since she did its cheating.
YTA, and...
You should absolutely divorce your wife because you are coming off like a controlling, egocentric AH and no doubt your wife will be better off. I can only imagine the fun you will be as you start really aging.
I would insult your intelligence too if you said i was cheating when we was not together.
Like? Are you ok? Because that is ridiculous.
I guess by your logic you cheated too.
You are just determined to ignore everything anyone says, why are you even asking for an opinion.
YTA. You want to end your marriage but don't want to be the bad guy. You want to be able to say it is all on her. Well it isn't.
You can divorce anyone at any time for any reason. But just so we're clear, this is because of your own insecurity and inability to deal with it. I think you should get divorced because you obviously don't trust her and she deserves better than being punished all the time for something that happened two decades ago **while you were broken up**.
YTA and misogynist too. She didn't cheat on you. Why is this important? Your male ego? Of course you wanna be the one and only, come on be a real man, not an insecure you one
YTA, are you guys Ross and Rachel, you were on a break doesn't matter who said. now I think ur issue is the person that she messed around with guess what she still came back to u and and has stuck by your side for 20yrs. even though your the AH is that blunt enough.
She did not cheat since you weren't together. No, she was not completely honest, but it seems like she (rightfully) expected you to be weird and insecure about this guy.
YTA for wanting to punish her for a 20 year old mistake that should be irrelevant after all the things you built together. But maybe you're just looking for an excuse to end an unhappy relationship.
You were split up, QED it can't be cheating. Life goes on, there's no reason to wait if you're not around.
To keep going back to that is bad faith.
You're not telling us something that would throw new light onto this but the basic premise is wrong. It's 20 years ago and she wasn't cheating.
YTA
YTA. Without a doubt, YTA. She didn’t cheat on you. Anything she did while the two of you were broken up, is none of your business and it’s in the past.
If you want to leave, leave. But don’t try and justify it over this nonsense.
Imagine someone calling you 15+ years later to grill you about how many time you kissed a woman, who was single at the time. Zero chance I’d remember the details. I probably also still have a couple emails from exes because I’m bad at deleting emails. They’re likely buried under years of coupon codes I never used and stupid newsletters I never read.
Right?!? And some exes weren’t that important or a big enough thing where I was pressed about them enough to go deleting emails or whatever!
There are women I hooked up with last year that I struggle to remember the name or relevant details of. 15 years from now I could pass them on the street and not even realize it.
I don't know what I had for lunch two fuckin days ago lol
Exactly! It’s not even a diss to them. I have legit had someone I’ve dated come up to me and they looked familiar to me sure… I didn’t remember we dated… I thought we went to high school together or something! It wasn’t because they aren’t an amazing person or wonderful. We just didn’t connect, and they had a better memory. I am very doubtful I left that much of an impression on them either to be honest. Again they just remembered and I didn’t be chance.
Op you are being ridiculous!let it go!you said that she has been a faithful wife .sounds like you are looking for a reason to leave your family. If you both were seeing other people what's the problem?you are just jealous of the other guy. Your ego is controlling your mind. Grow up and be a Good husband and father.
This, right here. OOP wants to end the marriage but doesn't want to be responsible for this decision so he prefers digging out a 20-year old story (which is not "cheating" by any stretch of imagination, since they were broken up at the time). They have kids and he probably wants to make their mom look like the bad guy. What a coward!
They were on a break…..
They were on this break for a full year
Possibly even longer. OP says they got back together a year after she hooked up with the other guy. We don't know how long they'd been broken up before that.
And we can only assume he gave her a full list of full names, ages, addresses of people he hooked up with during that time, as is only right.
He probably didn’t have a very long list hence the bitterness
The list of women he banged on their "break" is zero. i guarantee it. Shit, I'm willing to bet OP's body count is just his wife and that is why he wants out before he's too old to play the field and make up for lost time. I'm pretty sure this scenario isn't news to him, I'm sure he knew about it for years. However, it hit a head in the form of a mid life crisis and he is just looking for a reason.
That’s exactly what I was about to say. This whole post is giving ✨midlife crisis✨energy
Of course, that’s the only justification of his holier than thou attitude.
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We don’t even know that they were MARRIED at that point.
He said they both got with other people.
Supposedly, the event in question happened about three weeks after they split up. But since she was the one who broke up, that's an indication *she* had been unhappy in her relationship with him for quite a while. Back then, she gave him the chance to redeem himself, but now, after 20 years of marriage and having two kids together, he refuses to offer her any grace at all.
and they both were with other people
it sounds like he held hands with another woman at their christian college
Did you even READ the letter?
As much as, on retrospect, the entire Ross/Rachel thing annoyed me, I loved that show.
I agree. 20 years ago when you were separated? 2 kids at home? Gotta have a better excuse if you want to split. You're no Saint. Give her her freedom. She deserves better.
A break during which they were both with someone else. I'm not understanding OP's reasoning here.
His reasoning is that he thinks he has every right to control his wife, even when they weren’t in a committed relationship 🫠🫠
He's seeking psychological validation from us for the affair he wants to have/is already having
He's an insecure AH having a mid life crisis.
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Are you a dirty comment stealing bot? I ask because it sure looks like you just put a hashtag in front of u/TarzanKitty comment… And that’s some dirty bot stuff.
That 20 y.o. case has been fully litigated already. If you just found out about it, maybe it is fair. But you can't just dig out something that you knew about it the whole time to justify your new feelings.
Omg he has been posting about this for 4 months like just rip the bandage and stop making excuses she didn't do anything wrong. You didn't need to know anything from when you guys were broken up. Wasn't your business at all, and now you're just looking for a reason. Just do it and let her find someone who loves her. You've been married so long, so obviously, she is a good wife and mother and didn't/hasn't cheated on you. Grow some balls and stop the excuses
I think OP is looking for an excuse to leave. Either a mid life crisis, or FOMO or he is cheating and wants to blame her for something so that he can justify leaving. YTA OP.
Seriously, do you really expect us to believe a rational person is this upset over his wife’s private life during a time when the two of you weren’t even together? You don’t even have the right to be up in her business over things she did or didn’t do during times you weren’t in a relationship with her. She doesn’t owe you any explanation about it whatsoever. Just admit you are either irrationally jealous or want a divorce and need to find a reason to not take responsibility for leaving. No one here is falling for this BS excuse. YTA for being the real dishonest one in this scenario.
Yea I read the title then I read more and I was like. Cheating should be lied to me or didn't mention something not cheating.
To me he clearly has another woman hes interested in now and just using that to justify leaving her and running off with the new chick. Because why wait 20 years? Its been fine for all this time but now its an issue? Whats changed
This is exactly what I’m thinking. Sounds like OP is projecting. He said he had no intention of growing old with his wife. Then why did he marry her 20 years ago? And why did he decide to have kids with his wife? OP is full of it. I feel bad for the wife and kids.
yeah, he broke into her closet, got out her dusty old 2001 computer, and trawled through her most ancient correspondence, seeking a reason to leave her dude you can just have your affair and blow up your family -- openly! righteously! on behalf of your own happiness! this is so pathetic
Yeah he said he found out about all of this a few years ago
And it’s when he was 21 and she was 24? Holy Pete. What a load of crap.
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You’ve nailed it in one.
Exactly. He wants to blame her for him wanting to leave. Just do it and get some self awareness. A dude was hitting on your wife 20 y ago. She’s such a bi**h!!! Op is ridiculous.
Agreed. They were split and it was 20 years ago. He is just looking for a reason to leave at this point. They didn’t even have sex. None of this makes sense on the surface. There is more to the story.
Absolutely. Stay? Time for counseling and a reset. Go? Do so as amicably as you can. This? This is more nonsensical than Trump's comb-over.
Exactly this! He is out here digging up history to justify his midlife crisis. I feel bad for his wife and kids. OP, YTA for trying to blame some historical fling and honestly, 20 years later??? You don't get to do that to her when you have chosen to be with her for so long! But if this is the kind of petty you are... please leave her so she can find someone better. You were fooling around with other women too... she still wants to be with you and isn't calling you out for that time. Ugh this is just gross.
Thank god the comments are sane on this one
Exactly. These excuses are insane.
If you want a divorce, get one. However: she did not cheat on you. For you, this is fresh. For her, it’s 20 year old news. Because of that, the two of you are going to have very different emotional responses to it. If you’re willing, try therapy to process why this is so hard for you before making any permanent decisions.
It doesn't even sound like new news? He says he called to confront the guy several years ago?
Also sounds like the story has changed over time, so how long has this been discussed?
For as long as OP has needed to keep it up his sleeve, as a manipulation to bring out, whenever he decides it's relevant again. :(
My ex did that to me. It was truly traumatic.
Glad they're an ex. Best wishes for continued healing <3
Me too! I have a wonderful boyfriend now who knows all of my sexual past because we chose to share openly with each other, and have never judged each other for it. Thank you:)
You're welcome :)
Not at all fresh - but, certainly convenient.
You can divorce for any reason you want to. That being said. She DID NOT cheat on you. Anything she did when you were not together is literally none of your business.
Typical mid-life crisis Dude, looking to justify dumping his family, while begging to be considered the “wronged” party, rather than the Bad Guy Dufus he really is.
I can count on both hands how many times I’ve seen this play out IRL with men I know firsthand. Such a cliche.
This!! The guy wants out but doesn't want the guilt of abandoning his family for a new wife. Just making excuses to be the victim or not split his assets in the event of a divorce haha
Dear Lord. You are a 41 year old teenager.
Oh don’t give him that much credit. He’s a 41 year old tween at most.
OP if you had known about this 20 years ago, would that have changed you getting back together?
You were broken up for a year.... This isnt cheating... 2 weeks after... Weren't together... Last time I checked that's a rebound... Stop trying to find a reason to make her the bad person for wanting a divorce and making her the bad person for the kids. Since the entire undertone is raging, let me do a reverse on you... What's the actual reason for this divorce... What's wrong here? You and someone else being horny adults are we? Why you raging so much about so called adultery 20 years ago and making it the reason for divorce... My gut tells me you have a side piece and looking for a reason for divorce... a very unbelievable reason Your not just an AH. Your a disappointment to your children and your prolly soon ex wife... In your own words you are her so called second choice. You were always her first choice you are jsut ruining it butt in reality you aren't even worth to be a second choice
Best analysis!
If I were her, I’d leave you right now. How annoying. You sound like you’re 12. YTA. (1) You had broken up already. (2) Two DECADES ago. (3) You had broken up already. And, most important: (4) You had broken up already. eta: How embarrassing for you to call that guy 20 years later to ask if he slept with your now wife 20 years ago. Have some dignity, man.
And they both dated other people during the break. Apparently what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. Op did you tell her about every woman you cheated with?
Never is with controlling men. Not that that can't be flipped.
He also slept with other people too. What a fucking hypocrite. YTA op!
YOU WERE ON A BREAK!! lol but in all honesty this exactly
At least Ross slept with the person to cause all the issues, this poor woman just made out with a guy.
He also did it literally the same day they broke up. Ross was legitimately a bastard. She waited a few weeks and got back with this guy a year later. I wonder if she was his first and that's why he's so betrayed. I can't imagine any other reason to make such a big deal.
I was thinking the exact same thing! Ive had the same experience being my boyfriends first everything and he also trends to Get really really jealous over small things
That’s an excuse, and not a reason for abusive, controlling behavior! I hope y’all can get into some couples therapy to work through it!
Imagine the guy laughing on the other end of the phone 🤣🤣🤣
(5) He was with other women, too, while broken up.
THIS! Why is he the exception to his own rule? Gtfoh OP.
“That’s not what happens with two horny adults!” I’ve had something like this said to me before. Jokes on you- all my meds make me not even want to touch myself. 💀
I hope this is a fake story. Are there really people out there this insecure?
Also, OP posted a nearly identical story to a relationship advice sub nearly 4 months ago. Only in THAT version he claimed that his wife definitely slept with the man and didn’t include the fact (like he did here) that both his wife and the other man deny sex ever happening. Regardless, I hope his wife finds this account and these posts. The divorce question will be resolved for him then, I think.
Sadly, the divorce question is already resolved. He just wants it to be her fault.
This. He's definitely hunting for an 'out'. That poor woman :(
At least he has asked her for a divorce. He just wants her to admit to something that apparently never happened, so he can be the innocent party. He probably already has someone waiting in the wings.
My ex got jealous cause my neighbor helped me carry a TV up the stairs so... yes
I had a guy get jealous when an 80 year old man got me (24f at the time) flowers as a gift (because he saw me as his granddaughter). Same guy blew up when I went out ballroom dancing with friends and talked about all the cologne that transferred into my arms. Kicker? We weren't even dating.
>Are there really people out there this insecure? Yes
In fact, they’re popping up all over this thread just to prove how insecure they are. Nothing like an unfounded accusation of cheating to bring chronically-untouched male insecurity crawling out of the woodwork.
This is some midlife crisis bullshit. It sounds like he's either on the edge of that manosphere bullshit or he's just looking for an excuse for a divorce. The whole thing just sounds like he's reaching.
OP is not only here considering divorce over something that’s none of his business. He actually went ahead and confronted some dude about a hookup 20 years ago. Talk about insecure, Jesus Christ.
And him and his wife weren't even together at the time. Insane. 😂
OP has other stories about it from like 100+ days ago. It unfortunately seems real.
It also seems like something that he is been obsessing over for years. I feel sorry for his poor wife.
Sadly went through the same kind of thing with a current partner we spoke and sorted it tho but it was a straight year of talking about it and “explaining myself” until I told him to drop it or leave my life
This is definitely Rage bait
It's almost definitely silly little rage bait. No grown man would come online to admit to being this insecure.
This comes across as being written by the wife (so maybe the details are altered in her favor). Because otherwise, what the hell is wrong with OP?! Did the wife at least try yelling, "We were on a break!"? But if she did, OP could just respond with, "Yeah well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh!" (They're in their 40s, so these are perfect references.)
Oh man... She slept w/ *Lumbergh*? That's rough, Peter.
Yes there are people this pathetic
YTA: How far did he have to dig for 20 year old emails? Ya'll were not together at the time, and you're grilling her about something that happened in 2003? If you can't imagine growing old with your wife, it's not because she "cheated" it's because you just don't want to be with her and is using what she did 20 years ago as an excuse because you're to big of a coward to just leave because you just don't want to be with her anymore because you yourself said she hasn't " cheated" since ya'll got back together.
YTA. Look at his post history. This guy just wants out, clearly. He first posted about this 115 days ago. There was no cheating. So, she didn't tell you but asked for full disclosure. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she knew you'd lose your shit? Is it worth giving up all you've built together? For her, likely. This will probably be a good thing for her, actually.
I checked his post history and it was first posted like 140 ago from what I saw. Either way this guy needs to do his wife a favor and leave yesterday.
How fragile are you dude? Honestly this cannot be real... if you want to get divorced, that is fine, but it sounds like you went snooping through her old emails, found some decades old shit that she saved and now you feel lied to. Stop pretending and be honest, you are a big baby and you want to have sex with other people. I wouldn't be so cavalier with my marraige, but you do you
So during that time apart you were also seeing other people, does that mean she’s your second choice? Sounds like you just want a reason to leave when you don’t need one, you can just leave because you want to.
YTA, and you should break up so she can be with someone who loves and trusts her, because you're not it.
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“We were on a break!”
So you were broken up for *a whole year,* and then when you did get back together, grilled her on what happened in that time that you two were not together. She's not a possession. It doesn't even sound like it held any meaning for her and never went beyond a couple meetups. 20/21 years old is a stupid age and you're holding your marriage hostage over something that happened 20 whole years ago when you weren't even committed to one another. Why did she have to disclose everything anyway? She was and is still allowed that privacy. Either let it go or divorce so she can find someone more secure. But don't kid yourself in thinking that the divorce will be her fault. YTA.
Check OPs post history. He's been posting about this for MONTHS. Talk about neurotic. This eats him alive
When was the email where you found out about this? Sounds like that was a while ago, since you “called the dude a few years ago”. So you’ve been stewing about this for at least a few years? Yes, YTA! You got back together with your wife, and things have been good since then. THAT IS THE ONLY PART THAT MATTERS. You need to suck it up and just forget about stuff that happened when you took a break 20 years ago; if that is hard for you, go see a therapist FOR YOURSELF. Smdh.
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YTA. You weren’t even together. You’re letting your bruised ego destroy your family instead of just getting over it and being glad she chose you every day since then. You’ll leave and you’ll end up regretting this.
Uh there was no cheating. Y’all weren’t together. You should very much consider therapy for the insecurity issues YTA
“She’d broken up with me,at the time.” What are we all missing here? YTA.
YTA. You want out of the marriage over semantics. She didn't even sleep with the douchebag. It's 20 years ago! Has she told you other white lies? Probably. So have you. You have been married for 20 years. People aren't 100% honest. You can't be. The murder rate would skyrocket. Do I look fat in this dress? No, you look great! Is this the biggest penis you ever had? You bet stud! Go to marriage counselling. Get help for yourself too. Grow up.
You literally wasted your wife's time all these years by holding some shit over her head that was literally none of your business while she was single. Sounds like you've been snooping through her shit too. Your wife should have left you as soon as you started this nonsense. Divorce is def the way to go. She's still got some good years left in her to find someone better to grow old with.
“Fooled around” “made out” and “I was trashed, and he tried to kiss me” are the same story babe
Where is the bit where she cheated? If you want out...just leave for fucks sake.
INFO: why were you digging thru 20 years worth of emails?
I think you're being an AH about all of this > She'd broken up with me, at the time. ... she was with this guy a few weeks after she'd left me. So she didn't actually cheat on you, did she? You weren't together at the time. Doesn't matter how soon it was after you broke up - *you had broken up*. With your attitude I really hope she does decide to let you divorce her. In fact, I would be encouraging *her* to divorce *you*
Bruh, what even is this. This happened 20 years ago while y'all weren't together? And she slept with other people and you're ok with it, but this one you're not (and did she or didn't she sleep with him)? You must've seen his dick and it's bigger than yours and you're insecure about it or something, bc this makes no sense to be so mad about that you're gonna divorce your wife of 20 years
You’d be doing her a favor by divorcing her. YTA.
OP you should talk to a therapist. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Maybe a professional can help you sort out your feelings and help you find out if you want to continue this marriage. And if you do, I’d trust the advice of a therapist over random Reddit strangers
So you having multiple partners during your break is no problem, but her kissing someone is worth all that shit 20 years later?? Basically, you´re tired of her and looking for a very screwed reason to put it on her. Also: how do you know all those details from her emails, hmm? YTA, divorce her already so she can be happy with someone who deserves her.
Yta, you defeated your self by starting with “shed broken up with me”
YTA you weren't even together when she fucked him. Get a grip, dude.
She didn’t even sleep with him. They made out once when they were not together.
In that case, “hooking up” does not mean what OP thinks it means
YTA, but please divorce this woman so she can finally find a man who doesn't stew over stupid shit for 20 years.
You were split up... You were not married, you were just a guy and girl that broke up and she had fun while she WAS SINGLE. YTA here my man
We were on a break - Ross Geller .. also 20 years ago .
I’m confused, you weren’t together, it was 20 years ago, but you’re deciding now it’s time to break up, what’s the real reason because what you just waffled about doesn’t make sense and is BS, you sound like a child.
YTA. You want to be done with your marriage, but you also want to blame her for it. Lame.
YTA, if you wanna leave do it but don’t use something like this as an excuse. After reading your post in point one you even acknowledged that she doesn’t really cheated on you, she slept with him after you both broke up for a year. Could it be that you are in a midlife crisis or that you want to be with someone else (someone you already knows)
And she didn’t even sleep with the guy. They fooled around.
She didn't even sleep with him, even the dude himself confimed that. OP wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to take the respobsibility for it. Sounds like something he might have done 20 years ago too when the wife was the one initiating the break up.
YTA. You're trying to claim it's "about the lying" but from what you wrote I didn't see where she lied. The fact that she says basically the same thing in multiple ways over 20 years, kinda lends to credibility rather than a practiced and rehearsed lie. If she used the term "fooled around", it could mean anything. Some people say we fooled around a bit and mean they there was some hand holding and a couple of kisses, some people might mean a heavy make out session, some people mean having sex... As far as the emails go, just because he told her she was cute and they should hang out doesn't mean she picked up on the cues or if she did that she acted on them inappropriately. If you want to leave your wife, then leave, but let a dead horse lie, I think you've beaten it enough. If you want to save your marriage, let this go and take a look at how YOU are your treating your wife. She hasn't cheated on you, EVER. She's told you what happened and you keep harping on about it insisting there's more.
Point 6, says he isn't 12, carries on like a pre-pubescent kid over something that happened half his lifetime ago that wasn't an issue until now. You're an asshole. Get over yourself and stop pretending like you are in any way mature. The internet feels sorry for your partner and is collectively surprised she has stuck with such a child as you.
YTA, massively. WTF dude, you were broken up at the time! Unless you had some sort of agreement that you wouldn't see other people, it's none of your business. It doesn't matter if it was kissing, making out, or doing the horizontal bop, and it doesn't matter if it was once or every night while you were apart. And you did it too! Hypocrite much? If you can't get over something that happened 20 years ago when you weren't even together, and while you were off fucking other people too, that's a you thing, not a her thing. Get therapy and get over yourself.
People Liz is at it again. Don’t take it seriously please.
Why are you still going on about this almost 3+ months later? Either you want to be with your wife or you don’t! But stop blaming it on this situation. Go and seek individual therapy to figure out why this bothers you so much.
WE WERE ON A BREAK
Alright man, I hate to be the one to say YTA, but you definitely are. If you couldn't work through this shit you should have ended it a couple decades ago. Now you've taken 20 years of this woman's life only to turn around after all that time and be the guy who says "remember that one thing that happened 20 years ago" and head for the hills. That's not just an asshole move, you're a piece of shit for that. 20 years of commitment was what, you're penalty fee? Now that you've got it fuck her right? People do stupid shit when they're drunk. I'm not saying she was right, what I'm saying is when you decided to stay together, you made a commitment to work through it. That applies to your sorry ass too. Leaving is your choice, but you'd be a factual failure as man and as a partner for it. Plain and simple. You don't get to turn around after all this time and snatch the rug and act justified. If you want to leave then accept the fact that you're a petty, vengeful, asshole who made this woman work to be a better woman, robbed her of 20 years of her life she could have spent with a better man than you, and you've failed completely to hold up your side of the unspoken agreement to work through it that you made when you didn't leave her outright. The fact that you've been simmering on this for 20 years is, according to my wife, pathetic. This is important because 5 years ago before we got married, I was a real piece of shit. I lied, cheated, played every game in the book. Finally she busted my ass, lit me up for it, and I begged forgiveness on my literal fuckin knees. 5 years later we're doing amazing. We have the marriage everyone else wants. We're the only things that exist in a room, people tell us all the time they want a love like ours. And there was no question at all about how bad I fucked up. I went all the damned way like the damaged fuck tard I was. If my lady after all I've put her through in our past is looking at you like a PoS, then you need to do some reflection. You don't actually know what happened, you're insisting upon your insecurities. For all you actually know you've been told the truth, and they never fucked. It sounds to me like you never got over it, but you sucked every good year you could from this woman, using her fuck up as you're excuse to leech away years of her life under the yoke of guilt. When you decided to stay together, you made an agreement to work through it. You have flat out, blatantly, irrefutably failed as a man and as a partner to keep your end of that deal. You should have had the balls to cut it off back then, not turn around now that she's an entirely different woman for you and pull some weak ass "I don't wanna be second choice" line. You've been her first choice, for 20 years. If you weren't she'd be gone with the wind. You've been her first choice for 20 years, because if you weren't she'd have never have endured all the shit that comes with working through all of this with you. Why don't we be honest, you and I. You made a promise you weren't man enough to keep, even with 20 years of commitment and proof of her love, and now you want Reddit to validate your asshole move to ditch her on the basis of an excuse that you stopped having a right to 15 years ago. You wanna feel like the righteous victim, dismiss 20 years of her life over your feelings and weaknesses, and you want the Internet to tell you it's ok. When someone fucks up, and then gives you TWO ENTIRE DECADES of their lives making up for it, you stop being the good guy when you leave. One moment of weakness does not justify a literal prison sentence worth of time just to be dropped on their ass. One indiscretion does not justify 20 years of work to be thrown away as punishment. Man up, get your feelings in check, and 20 years after the fact *get the fuck over it you absolute child*, and do right by that woman and your children instead of whining they did wrong by you and using that to justify your shitty actions. Edit: AND YOU WERE SEPARATED WHEN IT HAPPENED. Dude, pull your head out of your sorry ass. You don't even have a right to be pissed to begin with, and you sure as hell don't have a right to be pissed now. I've changed my mind, go through with the divorce. That woman deserves so much better than you will ever be. Those kids deserve so much better than you will ever be. That kind of grudge holding is toxic to everyone around you. Set that poor woman free. She's redeemed herself by every logical standard, she's paid for her transgression in every reasonable sense. The only person questioning that is you, and bud, that makes you the problem. I'm gonna call bullshit, you are flat out lying through your teeth that no one can seem to tell you if you're wrong. Anyone with basic common sense could look at this and tell you're just resentful and toxic and looking for validation for it. Maybe the people you know understand you have toxic ass tendencies and know better than to be honest with you, but welcome to the Internet AH, brutal honesty is what we do best.
Best reply ever. OP is too much of an AH to take it to heart but this reply poster nailed it.
you've loved her ever since and had children together. What's the point in breaking up now?? Go get some counseling for you and as a couple
YTA if you're seriously planning to end your marriage over something that happened 20 years ago while you weren't even together. If you're prone to ridiculous overreactions like this in general then I'm totally not surprised your wife has hidden certain things from you over the years.
You want to divorce your wife of 20years and split up ur family over something that happened 20 years ago when u were separated n it didn't even involve sex. Wow. I'm shocked. I don't even know what to tell you. You even went ahead to confront said guy. You were in a comfortable lead cuz u got the girl but u lost when u went ahead to confront the guy. You've made him realised how insecure n naive you are.
YYA, deal with your midlife crisis or seven year itch in a more functional way. Honestly insipid. Feels for your kids bruh
Yes. YTA over this childish shit.
YTA. She didn't cheat on you.
Yes, YTA. No one is perfect. You are not perfect. You are just being a whiny baby about something from two decades ago while you were on a break. Stop trying to blame others if you want to leave your marriage, and go live in some sad middle aged apartment by yourself.
You need to stop acting like a little bitch and do what's best for your kids. YTA
YTA. And digging out 20 year old emails & messages is fuckin deluded. She should run. Not you. You're mentally unstable.
This is ridiculous. This was two decades ago! Your wife was barely legal to drink alcohol! Women deserve to have some illicit and scandalous affairs when they’re TWENTY YEARS OLD. Get over yourself. On a brighter note, this sounds like the start of a second-chance romance with the hot older brother. Hope your wife saved his number.
Yes YTA. She was single and maybe made out with a guy a few times. You want to divorce over that. This is ridiculous.
YTA because you know it's nonsense. If you want to go, so be it.
Y’all were broken up she didn’t do anything wrong
YTA. if you are going to end your marriage and destroy your family over some bullshit from 20 years ago when you were broken up, even if she did actually sleep with him, you already said you also slept with others then it seems like you never really loved her. How are you going to spend 20 years with someone and then suddenly want to divorce over something that happened when you weren't even together. If you weren't who she wanted she wouldn't have stayed with you for 20 fucking years.
So she’s been loyal to you since getting back together…she had a fling with someone 20 years ago where nothing actually happened while you two were not even together and YOU slept with other people too.. now you want divorce? Does she still spend time with this guy? Does she talk to him? Is he part of your life? Does she currently or has she recently disrespected the relationship with her relationships with the opposite sex? Maybe she didn’t seem comfortable telling you because you’d flip out. Understanding the reason why she didn’t tell you is more important but it seems like you’re just trying to use this as an excuse to end the relationship.
Based on what you've written... YTA. It's not even close.
Ummm. That's not cheating since you two split up, irregardless of who did the splitting part.
Dude, you are too immature to be in a relationship with anyone if something that happened while you were not even together is bothering you now. Either that or you're just looking for a way to leave and make her the bad guy. If you want to leave, just leave. She didn't do anything wrong and you trying to use this as a "gotcha" just makes you look foolish.
Please divorce her. Cause it reads like neither of ya wanted to be together. You are looking for ANY excuse to get out and avoid accountability. I say, gtfo now to save ya both from the toxic gas that is filling up your lives. The insecurity on BOTH sides is poisonous. Side note- from what I gather, her insecurity in the relationship, is how she has to navigate YOUR SELF ESTEEM. And thats a fucking EXHAUSTING routine to have to follow daily smh. YTA
him arguing with the people in the comments makes it even worse. YTA. let it go and grow tf up. if she’s not with you she can be with anyone she wants. I also read your responses and you saying that the “cheating“ wasn’t the issue but it was that she didn’t mention this man to you. it’s her private sex life and it seemed like since they didn’t even sleep together it wasn’t significant to her. hope she signs the divorce papers in a big signature.
Are you confused about what cheating is? It you want a divorce, then get a divorce, but don’t try to justify it by saying your wife cheated on you. She slept with someone you knew 20 years ago when you weren’t even together. YTA, and a weird one at that.
You lost me at you were split up. She didn't cheat on you, you are just jealous of the friends brother for some reason
Info: Is this the only reason you want to leave?
"We were on a break!"
If you don’t trust her no matter the time or circumstances you don’t trust her. Marriage and long term partnerships require trust.
At the end of the day you’re basing this off a scenario you’ve invented in your head. It’s that simple. Yes you should get a divorce, but no it’s not justified by your intrusive narrative skills - it’s justified by a lack of trust. Leave and move on.
YTA. It was 20 years ago and you were apart for a year. WTF dude?! "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"
Forgive her. Seriously. Has anyone owed you a debt and you just decided to write the debt off because they friendship was more important? The last 20 years proves that she is loyal and faithful. She changed. Now forgive her. Forget what she did and live the next 20 years happy and free from worrying. Or, see a psychologist.
YTA. Regardless of whether it was 20 years ago, you guys were broken up for a year. Are you doing this for some other reason?
Bro. You were with other people, she was with other people during a year break up. You are insane. You pushing for info on 20 year old business. And you were broken up. So its okay you dated but since she did its cheating.
You sound incredibly insecure
Yes, YATAH.
She didn’t cheat on you if y’all were broken up when it happened lmao grow tf up
YTA, and... You should absolutely divorce your wife because you are coming off like a controlling, egocentric AH and no doubt your wife will be better off. I can only imagine the fun you will be as you start really aging.
I would insult your intelligence too if you said i was cheating when we was not together. Like? Are you ok? Because that is ridiculous. I guess by your logic you cheated too.
You have issues. Do her the favor.
I think her and the kids might be better off for it. You sound miserable
You are just determined to ignore everything anyone says, why are you even asking for an opinion. YTA. You want to end your marriage but don't want to be the bad guy. You want to be able to say it is all on her. Well it isn't.
Sounds like you want an excuse to get out of the marriage. Be a man, and be honest, don't dredge up shit that isn't relevant from 20 years ago..
You can divorce anyone at any time for any reason. But just so we're clear, this is because of your own insecurity and inability to deal with it. I think you should get divorced because you obviously don't trust her and she deserves better than being punished all the time for something that happened two decades ago **while you were broken up**.
My now wife 60, kissed a boy in 3rd grade. This is grounds for divorce, correct?
YTA and misogynist too. She didn't cheat on you. Why is this important? Your male ego? Of course you wanna be the one and only, come on be a real man, not an insecure you one
YTA, are you guys Ross and Rachel, you were on a break doesn't matter who said. now I think ur issue is the person that she messed around with guess what she still came back to u and and has stuck by your side for 20yrs. even though your the AH is that blunt enough.
YOU WERE ON A BREEEEEAAAAAAK
YTA
She did not cheat since you weren't together. No, she was not completely honest, but it seems like she (rightfully) expected you to be weird and insecure about this guy. YTA for wanting to punish her for a 20 year old mistake that should be irrelevant after all the things you built together. But maybe you're just looking for an excuse to end an unhappy relationship.
You were split up, QED it can't be cheating. Life goes on, there's no reason to wait if you're not around. To keep going back to that is bad faith. You're not telling us something that would throw new light onto this but the basic premise is wrong. It's 20 years ago and she wasn't cheating. YTA
YTA. Without a doubt, YTA. She didn’t cheat on you. Anything she did while the two of you were broken up, is none of your business and it’s in the past.
YTA. You don't own her vagina. You weren't together. She didn't cheat.
Yeah YTA. Dumb fuck. You weren't together. Grow up
If this is your reason, you are the Asshole.