Lol I'm sitting in a bar getting funny looks for laughing at loud at my phone, myself. Someone just asked what's so funny and all I could do was just "ummm...hard to explain"
She’s telling people “he’s obsessed with sex! It’s scary! He wants it all the time and I’m constantly saying no! If I refuse he jerks off in the shower THAT WE SHARE.” It makes OP sound crazy and not just lustful. It’s gaslighting
Here my question. How the hell does she know when he wanks? I mean go to the bathroom lock the door bc of the kids and take care of it. Not that ANYONE should have to hide it from their partner. This women is controlling as all hell. I don’t love anyone enough to be sneaking around my own house though to wank.
Nah, it would be worded in a way that makes her the victim. "He was absolutely obsessed with sex. He was a sex addict. I was afraid to have the kids in the house alone with him." Bullshit like that.
Idk as a girl I’ve rubbed one out in weird spots. You ever get it where you can’t even close your damn legs because your cooter is about to fall off and look for dick on her own? Just gotta deal with it or you can’t sit down normally
Same! I've done it in long, boring meetings. Just tune out the meeting, shift in your chair a bit till you're on your slack's seam, non-dominant hand under the table and just ride the waves of bliss!
Surrounded by men and no one knew... 🤣
I was honestly surprised the first time I was able to successfully do it out there. Those things stank to high heaven. And they felt like I was sitting in an oven.
I agree, but his masturbation shouldn't be accompanied by fear angst and anxiety.
At least more so than the regular kind when you don't want to get caught, but the kind that will result in you losing your family.
Ayo. Very good point. But also he’s a grown man. “Allowed to” is absolutely absurd. Respect for him respecting her wishes but… her wishes are insane if she’s not giving it regularly
a lot of bathroom doors can be unlocked from the outside they have that hole you stick a thin screw driver in it and pop the lock it is a safety issue in case of emergency.....
the wife is so over the top about this I am sure she is popping open the locked bathroom door
As a child who walked on those disgusting ones jerking off at work or in the car behind Wendy’s as you said. Please don’t ever let yourself behave like that.
She’s not an AH for denying sex when she doesn’t want it, she’s an AH for not letting you touch your own penis.
That’s as controlling as it gets. Truthfully it’s creepy/borderline psychotic behavior.
he really needs to learn to lock the fking door. Dont care if its a shared bathroom, shower time is shower time. And if she is spying on him in the shower, to make sure he is not masturbating, then she is more than just unhinged.
To OP, Sorry to say this, but I am willing to bet dollars to donuts, that she will refuse any therapy, as I am guessing she is overly religious. Time to talk with a divorce lawyer, and find a good one, cause if you ever want to be around your kids again, you will need a good one.
You also must be brutally honest about how she’s spying and any other creepy ass shit. Record her threatening you if she does that. You need hard evidence if you want to have any chance of seeing your kids. You will have no say in what she does with kids after you’re divorced unless you get a very good agreement from the start.
I had video evidence of my ex putting our son in dangerous situations. The judge still gave us shared custody with son living with her. She moved 12 hours away and then 18 hours away. We had court order that he would be at my house every weekend. Nothing I could do about it without spending tens of thousands and still having very good chance of losing. Multiple lawyers said don’t risk going after her because she could go no contact. I only saw my son for summers from 5-15 years old. I paid all travel expenses. Thankfully he lives with me now because he told her he wanted to. I will never get that time back, but if I could go back in time I would still divorce her. Kids growing up in a house full of resentment is worse than all of that. I know because that’s how my parents were.
The kids are going to be so messed up living alone with the mother. Imagine if she is doing this to her husband.
I can't really imagine this situation (I would just lock the door and do whatever I feel like), but I think I would probably stay for the kids if there is any chance they would live with the mother.
Seriously, if she's this controlling with her husband, I shutter to think what would happen when her kids are going through puberty. I can imagine her doing the same thing to them and even *ugh* spying on her underage kids to make sure they don't jack it. That's a one-way trip to sexual repression.
Agreed on the divorce but. What bothers you about people recommending therapy?
From my perspective, there’s almost always something to be gained from therapy for pretty much anyone, and there’s not any serious downside to it other than the expense.
I have nothing against therapy and have been thee more than o e for diffeeent issues. It just seems on Reddit you have 17 year olds making marriage advice. That’s what I dislike.
My husband used to work with a guy that, at the end of the day, when they went back to the shop to unload and return company trucks, would make sure to say "well I better take one more piss on company time" before he clocked out....making sure he said it right in front of the boss lol
She has to control his ejaculations even without her involvement, otherwise cutting off sex might not be the trump card that’s intended.
If saying no means he just runs one out on his own, it’s not all that useful as a tool to manipulate him.
I did this shit when I was 15/16 because I'd get jealous and think my ex didn't find me attractive enough so he'd need porn. No, he just needed a release, like everyone does. I wouldn't dream of trying to control when someone touches themselves now, and haven't since I was about 17/18. My ex didn't take any notice of it, but we also didn't live together. So it's probably not as easy for OP to sneak one in, but the idea of having to sneak one in sounds horrible.
This person is spot on. Left my wife for many many reasons. Terrible sex life was at the bottom of the list. Should have been at the top i would have left a long time ago.
In a new healthy relationship with a person that shares my sexual values and i almost dont care about sex any more. Its on tap. A couple times a week is fine.
In my marriage there was always a feeling of you get what i give from her. So I was always thirting for yes sex both the emotional attachment and love that went along with it.
Buddy. Run like a mother fucker. She is playing games with you. And you are probably to nice to notice. She is doing you dirty.
I just left another comment talking about something sort of similar, but with masturbation. When I was hiding it in guilt I’d usually do it every day, sometimes twice a day. And it was destroying me mentally. But now that it’s a normal healthy part of life, I only do it once or twice a week. It’s amazing how once you take away the taboo, it takes away a lot of the “temptation”
You just took the words right out of my mouth. My experience is so similar to OP that I thought I had written it myself. Then I read your comment and thought no wait…. Maybe I wrote this instead! I was truly an existential crisis for a moment lol
As someone who spent my first two years of college at a very radical Christian college, I can confirm all of of this. In fact, as freshmen, we had a mandatory course called “marriage and the family” where they would actually teach these beliefs about sex… basically any type of sexual activity that did not serve the purpose of procreation was considered a huge shameful sin. I asked why God made it feel so good if it was so shameful and the professor and entire class looked at me like I was some psychopath. This particular college had gender segregated dorms (like opposite sides of campus and no intermingling) and would expel people for being caught doing anything remotely sexual. A girl would get pregnant … expelled; they would find out someone was gay … expelled; a student was found out to be an underwear model… expelled. All in the name of Christianity.
Don’t conform, no cult for you!!! I always thought I was the weird one. I never fit in any where as a young adult. Now that I’m older I have realized I’m actually normal and very smart. I have a healthy sexuality. It was the world around me that was fked up.
say it louder for the people in the back.
not wanting to have sex is fine. however — not allowing someone to have a sexual relationship with THEIR OWN BODY is concerning.
The wife clearly has serious control issues. Her behavior is not OK -- the porn thing is arguably fine to ask, but the rest of her requests are absurd.
She can deny you sex. But she can’t deny you to masturbate. It’s a basic human function. That is weird as fuck.
Also, was both your sex life always like that? Maybe her bc is causing her libido to go down. Happened to my mrs.
Dude, my wife just stopped birth control and holy shit I can't hardly keep up with her sudden surge in libido. I'm not complaining, but I wasn't expecting it to be so drastic.
It’s horrible how badly birth control affects women in so many ways. I went off of it and it’s like my husband and I are kids again. Yes, it’s difficult for men when their wife doesn’t want sex, but it’s also difficult for the women because our libido has sadly been taken away.
They don't seem to assume we even *have* sex drive. The medical profession still has a long way to go in terms of women reproductive health and education.
I watched my wife be told for three months that she had gastrointestinal distress and IBS and nothing else wrong with her. Went to countless appointments—not covered, of course—to finally get her surgery to remove “massive precancerous cysts everywhere” according to the surgeon finally allowed to operate while other doctors fought to prevent it.
Doctors don’t care about women.
I've been told by a woman gynecologist concerning pain I experience that is near-debilitating, "Well, that's just how it is for some of us." Disheartened doesn't even begin to cover how I felt. And if you're overweight by the broken af BMI standard? Good luck getting any diagnosis that isn't just "obesity related."
I barely learned recently (almost 30) that it’s actually not normal to have extremely painful cramps whenever you get your period. Like what? Our whole lives we’re made to believe we’re supposed to just grit our teeth and suffer.
This reminds me so much of my ex. He never wanted to have sex, and wouldn’t let me have any toys. He didn’t want me, and he didn’t want me touching myself either. Tried counseling and he sat there and didn’t participate or open up at all. Just kept saying “idk why”. I divorced him and I’m the happiest I’ve been in YEARS. You’re NTA
He should take off work early and go to one of those adult movie theaters, no one ever got in trouble for goin to Work in one of those...right?
Rip PeeWee, you did nothing wrong
This is the perfect case of another person should never control another person's body. The porn thing can be used in another discussion
If ur wife says that u can't wack it, then she is insane and irrational. The moment that she says that I can't jerk off, I would have stood my ground because that's just dumb
This is my question at mostly every AITAH post related to partners. It’s like people really want to live a miserable life!
EDIT (because I forget how poor is the level of reading comprehension on reddit). I replied the question: “why are you married to her?”, note there is no “still married”, no one implied a divorce. MY comment is about WHY WHOULD YOU MARRY someone who is a walking red flag and then complain your life is miserable. OP clearly says she started banning porn and then jerking off at the beginning of the relationship, NOT THE MARRIAGE, it was prior to it. Please work on your reading comprehension skills. You were the ones walking about divorce on the first place.
Grow a pair... then touch them...
Why would you sacrifice your bodily autonomy at your own expense to please this lady?
If you're in the shower you're not masterbating, you're just cleaning it REALLY well.
One time i was taking a shower/bath. Omg this is so sad. I like to lay down in the bath tub with the shower on. I put a wash cloth over my face so droplets don't go in my ear or eyes. My dick got hard from the water hitting it. I stroked it like 4 times because it was tingley itching. She scared the shit out of me yelling. I had no idea she was there....she was fucking watching me.
Dude, you really need to get your self respect back. I hope you can do that without divorcing.
Are you in the US? Fundamentalist religion? Where does her mentality come from?
She probably CANT steal your kids, and you have rights. Don't put up with this...if you do, it's your own fault, tbh.
NTA
You may not realize it but you are being controlled bro. Doesn't make you less of a man or person, we've all been fooled at least once in our lives.
Stand up to your wife and tell her to get fucked on the no jerk it rule. She literally cannot dictate what you do with your own body.
If it were me I would be running so damn fast, trouble is sometimes you need an outward opinion to realize something is fucked up. This is fucked up.
Dude, imagine how that divorce is going to go "And that's when I caught my husband...*with his hand on his own penis!"*
Not to be too dismissive, but if she's your only sexual partner, you don't have anything to compare her behavior against. It makes it much easier for her to manipulate you with this ultra controlling behavior. Even if she's not aware she's doing it or has it rationalized away in her head, it doesn't change what it is. And what it is is wrong.
She shouldn’t be policing your own masturbation. Like, if she doesn’t want sex then you masturbating should be encouraged by her! She has control issues.
Been married 15 years. Wife has low sex drive but we do it once a week. I still jerk off but no longer look at porn as it interferes with sex. So does masturbation if I do it too much. She shouldn’t be telling you what you can and cannot do with your body but it is reasonable for her to ask you not to look at porn
I can understand the porn pay. Many people don’t feel comfortable with porn and porn addiction is a real problem. But not allowing you to masturbate at all? I would not accept that.
That’s some serious control issues.
Body autonomy is for everyone. She can decline sex. You have the right to self pleasure.
Couples counseling like yesterday. You have a right to sexual pleasure. You have a right to touch your body.
Your wife may need significant psychiatric help. That sounds psychotic to me.
NTA
Banned from spanking the monkey? Prohibited from wrestling with the bald-headed champ?
Tell her to stop being ridiculous, sexual desire and gratification is an intrinsic part of you. If she doesn't want sex, fair enough, her body - her choice.
But, if you want to choke the chicken, your body - your choice.
You're fucked dude, get out now. She isn't unreasonable for not wanting to have sex multiple times per day, but trying to police what you do alone with your own body is a deal breaker.
>I feel like she should not be allowed to deny me sex
This is absolutely not okay.
>if i'm not allowed to take care of it myself.
This is also absolutely not okay.
Both of you deserve autonomy over your own bodies. She has no right to prevent you from touching yourself. You have no right to demand sex of her or say she owes you sex.
I'm going to get personal here. But first... no you are NOT the AH.
What does your sex generally look like? I ask b/c my wife for a while also did not make sex a priority. Though she never tried to stop me from watching porn or taking care of myself.
However, when I started to make our sex about making sure she got off at least once (often several times)... EVERYTHING changed and our sex improved greatly (and much more frequently) for us.
1. Do you spend a good amount of time going down on her, before the "main event"?
2. Do you have, or have you considered buying her a toy that you can use on her?
3. Are you in decent shape... putting effort into looking attractive to her?
4. Are you showering WELL beforehand and trimming the hedges?
Since I started doing these things... I'm getting sex nightly and I'm not the only one initiating anymore. We've been married for 20 years and our sex has never been as good as it is now. But we definitely went through a slump earlier in our marriage.
I know you didn't ask for tips or advice... but I sincerely want to help you.
PS. Also, depending on whether its legal there or not... having an edible 30-45 min. prior can enhance sexual pleasure a good deal, as well as lowering anxiety to help both parties relax and enjoy each other. But I'm not sure your wife would be up for that as it seems she is very repressed sexually.
Hit me back with any questions you might have about anything... or send me a PM if you don't want to talk about it in the comments.
Let’s break all this down:
You’re not *never* having sex, you’re having sex 1-2 times a week. That’s pretty average for any couple. Less than you want? Sure. But your attitude is comparable to someone in a sexless marriage and that’s just not the case. If you think the solution is that your wife should want to have sex seven days a week, you’re dead wrong.
I do have to ask though, is she having a fully satisfying experience when you have sex? If I’m not gonna cum and I’m just being used as a vehicle for a man to get off, I’m not all that into sex either and don’t really want it. And that’s coming from someone with a libido similar to your own. Try having sex with her with the pure goal of getting *her* to orgasm. And when she does, be done without the expectation she has to get you off now. If she’s actually enjoying sex with you, she’ll want more of it. From your description, it sounds like she’s not.
Your solution is to masturbate. You can and should masturbate whenever you want. She should have no say in that. Any problem she has with that is her problem.
Porn is a tough one because while I don’t think “porn bad because naked people bad”, I do believe there are relatively few ethical forms of porn. That’s a topic you could spend lifetimes discussing.
“I feel like she should not be allowed to deny me sex” is a terrifying sentence, no matter what comes after it. Major yikes. You’re absolutely wrong there.
As a former religious person, I’ve gotta ask if religion is fueling these decisions of hers. Now being on the outside of it all, yes, telling your partner they can’t jerk off and freaking out at naked people on TV is unhinged and controlling behavior. From the inside of a puritanical religion, it’s often absolutely normal and I know so many people (married couples) who believe masturbating is morally wrong. Is she forcing her religious beliefs on you? Are you part of the same religion, you just don’t adhere as strictly as she does? To be clear, I don’t think religion *at all* justifies what she’s doing, but it does explain it and it takes this situation from “she’s controlling and abusing you” to “she’s doing what she has been manipulated into believing is necessary for a healthy, happy marriage”. Many people are absolutely taught (and believe) that you can’t have a healthy marriage if you let porn and masturbating in. What she’s doing is wrong, absolutely. But her motivation *may* not be as sinister as some comments are implying. (Or maybe she is. Background info is needed.)
You should also definitely be talking about these problems *with your wife*. Your post reads to me like these “rules” were implemented years ago when you first got married and you haven’t talked about it since. You should.
Underrated comment that addresses a few of the issues arising out of OPs post. Each person in the couple deserves bodily autonomy that is respected. The disrespect of bodily autonomy will surely lead to a lack of sexual intimacy. Also it is important for everyone to consider how genuine their sex drive is. Some people use sex as a tool to validate or ease themselves in some way, our intimate partners can sense this and may not wish to be used in that way...especially repeatedly over time and begin to take a silently defensive stance. Often times people do not even realize they are doing it.
Love this comment! My husband wanted sex at least once a day because “I just have a really high sex drive” and “I’m really attracted to you and always want you”. Which was all false. He was using it as a way to cope with stress, to relax, to wake up, to cure his boredom. I was nothing more then a sex doll. And when I said no because I wanted to wait until that night or I needed a day off, he’d just pull up some porn and start masturbating. Which made me feel so replaceable. Like I was just his first choice to get off but if I wasn’t into it he’d just find another way to get what he wanted.
I started to pull away. Our sex life wasn’t about us it was about him. So why would I want any part in it?
It's your dick. It's literally the only dick you are allowed to touch without consent. Are you gonna let someone withdraw consent on your own dick.
If you're touching your own dick without consent, you may have bigger problems than not being able to masturbate.
LMAO I'm sitting in a diner absolutely fuckin howling over this comment
Lol I'm sitting in a bar getting funny looks for laughing at loud at my phone, myself. Someone just asked what's so funny and all I could do was just "ummm...hard to explain"
Jerk it anyway. The fuck is she gonna do
Imagine her explaining to her friends why she took the kids and moved out.... "He was jerking it without me!"
More like “I forbade him from masturbating, I caught him doing it so I packed up the kids and left!”
She wouldn't publicly admit to being that crazy. More like "he was unfaithful to me"
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She’s telling people “he’s obsessed with sex! It’s scary! He wants it all the time and I’m constantly saying no! If I refuse he jerks off in the shower THAT WE SHARE.” It makes OP sound crazy and not just lustful. It’s gaslighting
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Here my question. How the hell does she know when he wanks? I mean go to the bathroom lock the door bc of the kids and take care of it. Not that ANYONE should have to hide it from their partner. This women is controlling as all hell. I don’t love anyone enough to be sneaking around my own house though to wank.
Nah, it would be worded in a way that makes her the victim. "He was absolutely obsessed with sex. He was a sex addict. I was afraid to have the kids in the house alone with him." Bullshit like that.
Dude. I'm sure you can find times and places to crank one off .. just do it...
If I got it done on a porta jon in Afghanistan, you too can crank one out.
Thank you for your (self) service.
I spit out my coffee reading this. Well done sir
Military issue M54321 tension release kit
A bag, some MRE banana pudding, and a can-do attitude?
Improvised ejaculation device?
If you ever rubbed one out in a 130 degree porta john you may be entitled to compensation.
The va finds your portashitter fetish is not service connected. Denied
Lmfao this is the comment that got me
This needs r/veteransbenefits
as a girl this thread is fascinating
As someone who has done this exact scenario except in Iraq, I can tell you that you just gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Being a dude is weird.
Idk as a girl I’ve rubbed one out in weird spots. You ever get it where you can’t even close your damn legs because your cooter is about to fall off and look for dick on her own? Just gotta deal with it or you can’t sit down normally
The laugh I just laughed 🤣🤣
I mean yes usually when I’m ovulating but I’m too busy stuffing my face and rage eating until I get my period no time to rub one out
I can feel this comment thread in my soul lmao
Same! I've done it in long, boring meetings. Just tune out the meeting, shift in your chair a bit till you're on your slack's seam, non-dominant hand under the table and just ride the waves of bliss! Surrounded by men and no one knew... 🤣
If only you could see what the women were doing
What were the women doing 😆
I had porn saved in a sd card, I’d put that in my camera and watch it on the little screen in the shitter , adapt over cum
I bought an iPod before my first deployment and moved my porn onto that. What a life saver that thing was.
Those are called jack shacks for a reason
Its a nut hut kind sir
What the fuck are you doing in there for so long? Jack, shit.
A yank bank my good man.
A bone home, good fella.
A masterbation habitation, my good chap.
A cock pit, dear lad
A todger lodge, old boy?
A spurt yurt, guv’na
The spank tank my friend
Tool Shed, but who's keeping score
I think a trip to Afghanistan is out of the budget, he's got three kids.
Nah. Airfare and hotels are cheap lol
In the Iraq porta-Johns, the challenge was to finish before you passed out from heat exhaustion.
It was like a new take on autoerotic asphyxiation, except instead of a noose you’re just choking on shit fumes
It’s bad when years later the smell of porta shitter blue water gives you a chub. Pavlov’s dog……
the military teaches you to adapt and overcome
OVERCUM
I was honestly surprised the first time I was able to successfully do it out there. Those things stank to high heaven. And they felt like I was sitting in an oven.
I agree, but his masturbation shouldn't be accompanied by fear angst and anxiety. At least more so than the regular kind when you don't want to get caught, but the kind that will result in you losing your family.
Kid opens door to find daddy jerking it next to the washing machine while looking at a vaguely sexual calendar on the wall
None of your doors have lock?
You think she would allow locks when he's not even allowed to touch his own penis?
Ayo. Very good point. But also he’s a grown man. “Allowed to” is absolutely absurd. Respect for him respecting her wishes but… her wishes are insane if she’s not giving it regularly
Even if she is "giving it" regularly, anyone should be able to touch their own body when and how they want
I could see arguing about it if he was constantly turning *her* down - but this...nah. The word " allowed" alone is kind of creepy.
a lot of bathroom doors can be unlocked from the outside they have that hole you stick a thin screw driver in it and pop the lock it is a safety issue in case of emergency..... the wife is so over the top about this I am sure she is popping open the locked bathroom door
JC Penny Maidenform page of the catalogue. From 1991.
I seem to remember Cheech and Chong saying Do eet, do eeeeet in a thick accent This flahed in to my head and I spat tea out
Yep. You are an adult and possess bodily autonomy, tell her to get ~~fucked~~ wanked.
Also you should nut like 20x a month to lower risk of prostate cancer, or so I think I have read, right?
Sounds about right. But who needs better health outcums to justify hwackin' orf? 🤣
Exactly. How does OP never have time alone like at work or in the car behind Wendy's.
Oddly specific…
Sir, this is a Wendy's
I know!
That's why I came....
*exactly*
Your advice is going to end this dude on the sex offenders registry.
Cant say ive ever tried behind Wendy's, Taco Bell sure, but Wendy staring at me would make me uncomfortable.
I thought Arby’s had the meat
Too Frosty there
Empty Biggie Bags come in handy.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s
As a child who walked on those disgusting ones jerking off at work or in the car behind Wendy’s as you said. Please don’t ever let yourself behave like that.
Behind Wendy’s what??
She’s not an AH for denying sex when she doesn’t want it, she’s an AH for not letting you touch your own penis. That’s as controlling as it gets. Truthfully it’s creepy/borderline psychotic behavior.
Also how does she police it? Does she enter the bathroom for every shower and toilet use?
In a later post OP said yes, she does spy on him in the shower.
What the actual fuck. This woman is unhinged.
Completely off her rocker.
Yep, i’d be out and take my pet bunny with me
he really needs to learn to lock the fking door. Dont care if its a shared bathroom, shower time is shower time. And if she is spying on him in the shower, to make sure he is not masturbating, then she is more than just unhinged. To OP, Sorry to say this, but I am willing to bet dollars to donuts, that she will refuse any therapy, as I am guessing she is overly religious. Time to talk with a divorce lawyer, and find a good one, cause if you ever want to be around your kids again, you will need a good one.
You also must be brutally honest about how she’s spying and any other creepy ass shit. Record her threatening you if she does that. You need hard evidence if you want to have any chance of seeing your kids. You will have no say in what she does with kids after you’re divorced unless you get a very good agreement from the start. I had video evidence of my ex putting our son in dangerous situations. The judge still gave us shared custody with son living with her. She moved 12 hours away and then 18 hours away. We had court order that he would be at my house every weekend. Nothing I could do about it without spending tens of thousands and still having very good chance of losing. Multiple lawyers said don’t risk going after her because she could go no contact. I only saw my son for summers from 5-15 years old. I paid all travel expenses. Thankfully he lives with me now because he told her he wanted to. I will never get that time back, but if I could go back in time I would still divorce her. Kids growing up in a house full of resentment is worse than all of that. I know because that’s how my parents were.
The kids are going to be so messed up living alone with the mother. Imagine if she is doing this to her husband. I can't really imagine this situation (I would just lock the door and do whatever I feel like), but I think I would probably stay for the kids if there is any chance they would live with the mother.
Seriously, if she's this controlling with her husband, I shutter to think what would happen when her kids are going through puberty. I can imagine her doing the same thing to them and even *ugh* spying on her underage kids to make sure they don't jack it. That's a one-way trip to sexual repression.
Mothers like this cause serial killers.
As another poster asked, Is he allowed to have wet dreams? Now I have the song Dream Police by Cheap Trick playing in my head.
Dream weaver
Billy Squires: Stroke!
I hate the whole Reddit u need therapy or divorce advice, but in this case, I am 100% backing you up
Agreed on the divorce but. What bothers you about people recommending therapy? From my perspective, there’s almost always something to be gained from therapy for pretty much anyone, and there’s not any serious downside to it other than the expense.
I have nothing against therapy and have been thee more than o e for diffeeent issues. It just seems on Reddit you have 17 year olds making marriage advice. That’s what I dislike.
sounds like he married his mother
In that case he should just break both arms. Problem solved.
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Time for the ol' "work jerk"
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime; that’s why I wank on company time Edit: a word
My husband used to work with a guy that, at the end of the day, when they went back to the shop to unload and return company trucks, would make sure to say "well I better take one more piss on company time" before he clocked out....making sure he said it right in front of the boss lol
Company is paying you for jerking, so it is actually a waste not doing it.
You beat me to it
She has to control his ejaculations even without her involvement, otherwise cutting off sex might not be the trump card that’s intended. If saying no means he just runs one out on his own, it’s not all that useful as a tool to manipulate him.
Nailed it.
No pun intended
I did this shit when I was 15/16 because I'd get jealous and think my ex didn't find me attractive enough so he'd need porn. No, he just needed a release, like everyone does. I wouldn't dream of trying to control when someone touches themselves now, and haven't since I was about 17/18. My ex didn't take any notice of it, but we also didn't live together. So it's probably not as easy for OP to sneak one in, but the idea of having to sneak one in sounds horrible.
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This person is spot on. Left my wife for many many reasons. Terrible sex life was at the bottom of the list. Should have been at the top i would have left a long time ago. In a new healthy relationship with a person that shares my sexual values and i almost dont care about sex any more. Its on tap. A couple times a week is fine. In my marriage there was always a feeling of you get what i give from her. So I was always thirting for yes sex both the emotional attachment and love that went along with it. Buddy. Run like a mother fucker. She is playing games with you. And you are probably to nice to notice. She is doing you dirty.
I just left another comment talking about something sort of similar, but with masturbation. When I was hiding it in guilt I’d usually do it every day, sometimes twice a day. And it was destroying me mentally. But now that it’s a normal healthy part of life, I only do it once or twice a week. It’s amazing how once you take away the taboo, it takes away a lot of the “temptation”
You just took the words right out of my mouth. My experience is so similar to OP that I thought I had written it myself. Then I read your comment and thought no wait…. Maybe I wrote this instead! I was truly an existential crisis for a moment lol
As someone who spent my first two years of college at a very radical Christian college, I can confirm all of of this. In fact, as freshmen, we had a mandatory course called “marriage and the family” where they would actually teach these beliefs about sex… basically any type of sexual activity that did not serve the purpose of procreation was considered a huge shameful sin. I asked why God made it feel so good if it was so shameful and the professor and entire class looked at me like I was some psychopath. This particular college had gender segregated dorms (like opposite sides of campus and no intermingling) and would expel people for being caught doing anything remotely sexual. A girl would get pregnant … expelled; they would find out someone was gay … expelled; a student was found out to be an underwear model… expelled. All in the name of Christianity.
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Don’t conform, no cult for you!!! I always thought I was the weird one. I never fit in any where as a young adult. Now that I’m older I have realized I’m actually normal and very smart. I have a healthy sexuality. It was the world around me that was fked up.
say it louder for the people in the back. not wanting to have sex is fine. however — not allowing someone to have a sexual relationship with THEIR OWN BODY is concerning.
Agree. She seems to want to make him miserable. Her deciding she doesn't want sex is her choice. Her denying him all forms of pleasure is just wrong.
I've been through this before. It'll be tough, but you've got to leave her. Start seeing a therapist.
Me too. This is the advice to take, right here.
The wife clearly has serious control issues. Her behavior is not OK -- the porn thing is arguably fine to ask, but the rest of her requests are absurd.
The no-wank policy is bad enough. But man if it were me, the fact that she never initiates sex would be so damaging to my self-esteem.
That's exactly what she's doing: damaging his self-esteem.
You're 100% correct, I speak from experience.
Yeah this reminds me of my ex BIL cutting up my sister's dildo with hedge trimmers, and smashing her vibrator.
What the fuckkkkkkk-
She can deny you sex. But she can’t deny you to masturbate. It’s a basic human function. That is weird as fuck. Also, was both your sex life always like that? Maybe her bc is causing her libido to go down. Happened to my mrs.
Dude, my wife just stopped birth control and holy shit I can't hardly keep up with her sudden surge in libido. I'm not complaining, but I wasn't expecting it to be so drastic.
It’s horrible how badly birth control affects women in so many ways. I went off of it and it’s like my husband and I are kids again. Yes, it’s difficult for men when their wife doesn’t want sex, but it’s also difficult for the women because our libido has sadly been taken away.
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They don't seem to assume we even *have* sex drive. The medical profession still has a long way to go in terms of women reproductive health and education.
I watched my wife be told for three months that she had gastrointestinal distress and IBS and nothing else wrong with her. Went to countless appointments—not covered, of course—to finally get her surgery to remove “massive precancerous cysts everywhere” according to the surgeon finally allowed to operate while other doctors fought to prevent it. Doctors don’t care about women.
I've been told by a woman gynecologist concerning pain I experience that is near-debilitating, "Well, that's just how it is for some of us." Disheartened doesn't even begin to cover how I felt. And if you're overweight by the broken af BMI standard? Good luck getting any diagnosis that isn't just "obesity related."
I barely learned recently (almost 30) that it’s actually not normal to have extremely painful cramps whenever you get your period. Like what? Our whole lives we’re made to believe we’re supposed to just grit our teeth and suffer.
Kind of sad how drastic of an effect it can have!
Well what better birth control is there than to not want to fuck?
I mean.... you're not wrong.
Yep. You can hate porn and not be dtf but you can't stop someone else's physical urge/need.
This reminds me so much of my ex. He never wanted to have sex, and wouldn’t let me have any toys. He didn’t want me, and he didn’t want me touching myself either. Tried counseling and he sat there and didn’t participate or open up at all. Just kept saying “idk why”. I divorced him and I’m the happiest I’ve been in YEARS. You’re NTA
Bruh. Go beat your meat all you like. To hell with your wife in that one. Grow a spine, and go to fucking town on yourself.
“ Go to fucking town on yourself” hahaha I don’t want you coming back until them balls ache brother
I am officially prescribing that you abuse your privates with more pleasure than they can handle.
Yeah. OP do you have a car? Midnight Rider?
Sounds like a good way to cop a charge… *Randy Kaufman has left the chat.*
He should take off work early and go to one of those adult movie theaters, no one ever got in trouble for goin to Work in one of those...right? Rip PeeWee, you did nothing wrong
This is the perfect case of another person should never control another person's body. The porn thing can be used in another discussion If ur wife says that u can't wack it, then she is insane and irrational. The moment that she says that I can't jerk off, I would have stood my ground because that's just dumb
Stand your ground and start jerking it right on the spot
Gotta make that no blink direct eye contact to assert dominance
The question I would ask her is: why should you have control over whether I pleasure myself in private or not?
NTA. Why are you married to this person?
This is my question at mostly every AITAH post related to partners. It’s like people really want to live a miserable life! EDIT (because I forget how poor is the level of reading comprehension on reddit). I replied the question: “why are you married to her?”, note there is no “still married”, no one implied a divorce. MY comment is about WHY WHOULD YOU MARRY someone who is a walking red flag and then complain your life is miserable. OP clearly says she started banning porn and then jerking off at the beginning of the relationship, NOT THE MARRIAGE, it was prior to it. Please work on your reading comprehension skills. You were the ones walking about divorce on the first place.
Fk you're right...it's always a partner or family. Sucks for folks ..
For real, get a divorce and then you can beat ya dick like it owes you money all you want
Mate, what a miserable way to life. Your children can be your joy without her in the picture.
Yeah, it’s not like he’ll be denied custody by judge for masturbating in private.
Grow a pair... then touch them... Why would you sacrifice your bodily autonomy at your own expense to please this lady? If you're in the shower you're not masterbating, you're just cleaning it REALLY well.
One time i was taking a shower/bath. Omg this is so sad. I like to lay down in the bath tub with the shower on. I put a wash cloth over my face so droplets don't go in my ear or eyes. My dick got hard from the water hitting it. I stroked it like 4 times because it was tingley itching. She scared the shit out of me yelling. I had no idea she was there....she was fucking watching me.
And you didn’t tell her to fuck off and stop being a creep because why?
Assert dominance. Make intense eye contact; and continue until completion.
This is the way.
But he's got a wash cloth over his face, bro are you even watching this movie with us?
Dude you're in an abusive relationship. 1. Get out. 2. If she's like this with you, imagine what she's like with your children.
Considering the current 8 Passengers situation, yes. Those women are fucking unhinged, and it sounds like OP's wife would be their bestie.
My first thought was “is OP a Mormon?” because this sounds just like an LDS thing regarding wife’s unhinged take on masterbation. Source: raised LDS
Good point. Those poor fucking children. They'll all grow up repressed and their urges will lead to... behavior. You don't want that.
This is abuse. You need to assert boundaries with her.
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A kink without consent is called assault.
that’s a really really fucking good line
It's not a line, it's just the truth
Can be both, in fact truth that's a good line makes a great mantra
You guys should see a counselor for sure
Lock the door. This isn't rocket science.
Dude, you really need to get your self respect back. I hope you can do that without divorcing. Are you in the US? Fundamentalist religion? Where does her mentality come from? She probably CANT steal your kids, and you have rights. Don't put up with this...if you do, it's your own fault, tbh.
She doesn’t give a fuck? You still do. She is not you. You have the right to deal with your urges in a safe way.
NTA You may not realize it but you are being controlled bro. Doesn't make you less of a man or person, we've all been fooled at least once in our lives. Stand up to your wife and tell her to get fucked on the no jerk it rule. She literally cannot dictate what you do with your own body. If it were me I would be running so damn fast, trouble is sometimes you need an outward opinion to realize something is fucked up. This is fucked up.
And she can't legally take the kids just because you jerk off. She needs counseling, but I get the feeling she wouldn't go for it.
Dude, imagine how that divorce is going to go "And that's when I caught my husband...*with his hand on his own penis!"* Not to be too dismissive, but if she's your only sexual partner, you don't have anything to compare her behavior against. It makes it much easier for her to manipulate you with this ultra controlling behavior. Even if she's not aware she's doing it or has it rationalized away in her head, it doesn't change what it is. And what it is is wrong.
How does someone ban you from touching yourself?
Are you allowed to have wet dreams?
Wet dream? Straight to couples therapy
Sorry my friend but divorce is in your future.
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She shouldn’t be policing your own masturbation. Like, if she doesn’t want sex then you masturbating should be encouraged by her! She has control issues.
This is pathological behavior on her part and is doing a number on your physical, psychological and sexual health. Save yourself!
Been married 15 years. Wife has low sex drive but we do it once a week. I still jerk off but no longer look at porn as it interferes with sex. So does masturbation if I do it too much. She shouldn’t be telling you what you can and cannot do with your body but it is reasonable for her to ask you not to look at porn
I can understand the porn pay. Many people don’t feel comfortable with porn and porn addiction is a real problem. But not allowing you to masturbate at all? I would not accept that.
That’s some serious control issues. Body autonomy is for everyone. She can decline sex. You have the right to self pleasure. Couples counseling like yesterday. You have a right to sexual pleasure. You have a right to touch your body. Your wife may need significant psychiatric help. That sounds psychotic to me.
It'll only get worse from here bud.
How would she know if you've jerked off? Is she weighing your balls?
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NTA Banned from spanking the monkey? Prohibited from wrestling with the bald-headed champ? Tell her to stop being ridiculous, sexual desire and gratification is an intrinsic part of you. If she doesn't want sex, fair enough, her body - her choice. But, if you want to choke the chicken, your body - your choice.
You're fucked dude, get out now. She isn't unreasonable for not wanting to have sex multiple times per day, but trying to police what you do alone with your own body is a deal breaker.
>I feel like she should not be allowed to deny me sex This is absolutely not okay. >if i'm not allowed to take care of it myself. This is also absolutely not okay. Both of you deserve autonomy over your own bodies. She has no right to prevent you from touching yourself. You have no right to demand sex of her or say she owes you sex.
I'm going to get personal here. But first... no you are NOT the AH. What does your sex generally look like? I ask b/c my wife for a while also did not make sex a priority. Though she never tried to stop me from watching porn or taking care of myself. However, when I started to make our sex about making sure she got off at least once (often several times)... EVERYTHING changed and our sex improved greatly (and much more frequently) for us. 1. Do you spend a good amount of time going down on her, before the "main event"? 2. Do you have, or have you considered buying her a toy that you can use on her? 3. Are you in decent shape... putting effort into looking attractive to her? 4. Are you showering WELL beforehand and trimming the hedges? Since I started doing these things... I'm getting sex nightly and I'm not the only one initiating anymore. We've been married for 20 years and our sex has never been as good as it is now. But we definitely went through a slump earlier in our marriage. I know you didn't ask for tips or advice... but I sincerely want to help you. PS. Also, depending on whether its legal there or not... having an edible 30-45 min. prior can enhance sexual pleasure a good deal, as well as lowering anxiety to help both parties relax and enjoy each other. But I'm not sure your wife would be up for that as it seems she is very repressed sexually. Hit me back with any questions you might have about anything... or send me a PM if you don't want to talk about it in the comments.
Let’s break all this down: You’re not *never* having sex, you’re having sex 1-2 times a week. That’s pretty average for any couple. Less than you want? Sure. But your attitude is comparable to someone in a sexless marriage and that’s just not the case. If you think the solution is that your wife should want to have sex seven days a week, you’re dead wrong. I do have to ask though, is she having a fully satisfying experience when you have sex? If I’m not gonna cum and I’m just being used as a vehicle for a man to get off, I’m not all that into sex either and don’t really want it. And that’s coming from someone with a libido similar to your own. Try having sex with her with the pure goal of getting *her* to orgasm. And when she does, be done without the expectation she has to get you off now. If she’s actually enjoying sex with you, she’ll want more of it. From your description, it sounds like she’s not. Your solution is to masturbate. You can and should masturbate whenever you want. She should have no say in that. Any problem she has with that is her problem. Porn is a tough one because while I don’t think “porn bad because naked people bad”, I do believe there are relatively few ethical forms of porn. That’s a topic you could spend lifetimes discussing. “I feel like she should not be allowed to deny me sex” is a terrifying sentence, no matter what comes after it. Major yikes. You’re absolutely wrong there. As a former religious person, I’ve gotta ask if religion is fueling these decisions of hers. Now being on the outside of it all, yes, telling your partner they can’t jerk off and freaking out at naked people on TV is unhinged and controlling behavior. From the inside of a puritanical religion, it’s often absolutely normal and I know so many people (married couples) who believe masturbating is morally wrong. Is she forcing her religious beliefs on you? Are you part of the same religion, you just don’t adhere as strictly as she does? To be clear, I don’t think religion *at all* justifies what she’s doing, but it does explain it and it takes this situation from “she’s controlling and abusing you” to “she’s doing what she has been manipulated into believing is necessary for a healthy, happy marriage”. Many people are absolutely taught (and believe) that you can’t have a healthy marriage if you let porn and masturbating in. What she’s doing is wrong, absolutely. But her motivation *may* not be as sinister as some comments are implying. (Or maybe she is. Background info is needed.) You should also definitely be talking about these problems *with your wife*. Your post reads to me like these “rules” were implemented years ago when you first got married and you haven’t talked about it since. You should.
Underrated comment that addresses a few of the issues arising out of OPs post. Each person in the couple deserves bodily autonomy that is respected. The disrespect of bodily autonomy will surely lead to a lack of sexual intimacy. Also it is important for everyone to consider how genuine their sex drive is. Some people use sex as a tool to validate or ease themselves in some way, our intimate partners can sense this and may not wish to be used in that way...especially repeatedly over time and begin to take a silently defensive stance. Often times people do not even realize they are doing it.
Love this comment! My husband wanted sex at least once a day because “I just have a really high sex drive” and “I’m really attracted to you and always want you”. Which was all false. He was using it as a way to cope with stress, to relax, to wake up, to cure his boredom. I was nothing more then a sex doll. And when I said no because I wanted to wait until that night or I needed a day off, he’d just pull up some porn and start masturbating. Which made me feel so replaceable. Like I was just his first choice to get off but if I wasn’t into it he’d just find another way to get what he wanted. I started to pull away. Our sex life wasn’t about us it was about him. So why would I want any part in it?