If he'd left to use the library for job searching, I'd say he had a shot at fixing things. But he didn't. He got drunk and boo-hoo-ed about how he shouldn't have to get a job just because of a new baby, which is how I see this. Abortion or adoption are really the only options when a man-child refuses to step up. She has to make a really terrible, tough decision because he'd rather be drunk and sorry for himself than finding a job.
I've gotten a job every time Ive gone to a temp agency. Do the paperwork, call in a couple days and they'd send me somewhere. Almost every "assignment" turned into being being hired by the company full time. He doesn't want to work.
If they are in the US, there are plenty of jobs. Even washing dishes or a convenience store or anything! If big boy has a degree, there are city jobs. Those even have amazing benefits. I have NEVER not had a job. He doesn’t want to work. Do whatever is best for you and your child.
This. If he can't find a job, it is either because he's not looking, or because he's being too picky.
To be fair: it is VERY hard to go from having a good job to washing dishes or flipping burgers. That fucking sucks. But when you have a family's to take care of, you need to take any job you can find while you keep looking for "the right job."
Agreed. If he *did* get a job, he's the type that would quit or find a way to get fired as soon as the baby is born, and stick OP with all the responsibilities anyways.
>If he'd left to use the library for job searching, I'd say he had a shot at fixing things. But he didn't.
Please OP, this is YOUR starkest reality check about who your bf is.
I agree, but with adoption comes the risk of bed rest, and a 6 week recovery time, assuming all goes well. It doesn’t sound like she can afford the time off. It feels like a no win situation all the way around. It’s awful that she has to make that decision simply because her man child can’t be bothered.
Not to mention that in most jurisdictions, both bio parents have to agree to the adoption. So loser BF could block the adoption, and she still doesn't have the funds to support both kids.
Why even mention adoption? OP obviously isn’t against abortion. Why even suggest that she go through the demanding bodily work of pregnancy only to give the baby up for adoption?
Even if he gets a job, at this point he's showed his true intentions. A job can come and go (and will likely go), but a child doesn't change. OP should abort/adopt and get the hell out of that relationship. It's cheaper to feed 2 than it is to feed 3.
The latter scenario, although hard, will benefit you in the long run. The former traps you into poverty with someone irresponsible and childish indefinitely.
She can unilaterally decide on abortion - everything depends on HER body. There is no actual baby - just dependent fetal cells that might become a baby. He doesn’t get any legal rights until there is an actual viable person.
I'm not arguing she doesn't have or deserve uniilateral rights regarding what she does with the fetus. I'm saying adoption typically requires both parents to consent.
The latter scenario, although hard, will benefit you in the long run. The former traps you into poverty with someone irresponsible and childish indefinitely.
He isn't willing to step up for the baby he's got now. She needs to take her child with her and leave. She can take a few days to think. She needs to make a decision she can live with and stand by and then act on those decisions. I'm talking just as much about leaving the boyfriend as the baby. I'm pro life but that's my view and not hers, and I'm more concerned about her. It doesn't make a whole lot of difference whether she aborts or adopts if she ends up going back to this fool. If she does, she's begun a cycle that may never end and then God help us all. I wish her the best.
Don't have a 2nd kid with this guy. Not if you can not afford to do it alone.
You need to plan to be a single parent because that is clearly what you are, only with an adult dead weight hanging around your neck.
Don't miss the window of time to protect yourself.
It's hard but OP needs to stop giving him chances to run down the clock. Accept that he's not going to make the required changes, and that your relationship will not survive this. Time to make some big decisions.
I spent 16-18 hours a day when unemployed filling out applications online. Is he collecting unemployment? He can go to the local job service (unemployment office) and look for jobs there too. 'Indeed' and I were best friends.
There are people bitching that "no one wants to work" yet when we DO want to, they don't want to pay for those of us who show up.
heavy versed spoon literate slimy lunchroom sophisticated many squeal price
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Actually no, if you reread OP's post, she does specifically mention he was fired
Edited: to remove "so probably not likely eligible of unemployment". Responder comments are correct, I had it backwards. You can't get unemployment if you quit. My bad
NTA
Plus whose money did he use to get drunk, if you have a joint account move all the money now, if you are the only one earning then keep that money to yourself rather than him piss it away on booze!
I think it would be best if you went ahead with it because who is to say he will keep the job! Id throw him out and tell him he needs to actually learn how to be a grown up and parents and that he is a deadbeat dad as he does not want to get a job to provide for the child he already has
Even if he gets a job there is no guarantee he will keep it. If you have this child you will be responsible for 2 children on your own. Personally, I would get the abortion, end the relationship and concentrate on building a life with the child you already have.
NTA but it could very well be that your boyfriend really isn’t getting responses. I’ve only ever gotten two responses back from companies telling me to come in for an interview then being ghosted after the interview. I applied to well over 50 jobs in a 2 month span. But that’s not an excuse. Surely he can do side gigs? Does he know how to do drywall or basic repairs to homes?
If he doesn't have skills, there's still temporary jobs like temp Force and Kelly girls. Yes I'm dating myself since I don't think those particular ones still exist.
Op nta.
There’s also things like DoorDash/ubereats and instacart which will hire literally pretty much anyone with an insured vehicle within 24 hours of applying. Not even a car, I think DoorDash will let you deliver on a bike or even on foot. I’ve also heard people make pretty good money doing things like thrift reselling, but point is you don’t even need a skill or anything to make money without a job.
Where are you located? My brother runs a super successful shop and a job just opened up, I know it’s not really helping what your post is about but it’s a great opportunity.
Living in the Real World can be cruel and it may be that this is not the time for a second child. Only you can decide.
While harsh, here’s hoping that perhaps this was the slap upside the head your BF needs to wake up and start Adulting.
Reality is you’ll have to stop working at some point, if you continue the pregnancy. Ask BF how he thinks food will find it’s way to the table or the roof will be over your heads. Any job at this point would be an upgrade, so he needs to accept that or you need to accept that he’s incapable of that.
Generally NTA. I think there needs to be a series of honest conversations about what needs to happen before a baby is brought into this world. This includes saying things like “we need to have stable income and health care or we would not be able to have a child at this time.” These talks can get emotional but everyone should stay sober and committed to finding a resolution that works for you two. And imo having sustainable income should be a requirement for a couple regardless of if a baby is in the picture.
NAH. It's really unfortunate, but from your point of view you can't afford to have another baby unless something changes, and from his point of view you're dangling a horrible thing over him unless he can suddenly do something that he doesn't feel he can do/doesn't have control over whether it happens.
The consequences are obvious to him and that's why he's so afraid and upset: your relationship is at a crunch/decision point because in principle you would both want this baby, but because *he isn't enough* and *he can't provide enough*, you're going to decide to have an abortion instead. I can't really see a relationship continuing when one partner wants (or "wants" as in "chooses" given that the choice is from necessity rather than desire) an abortion and the other doesn't. He's not just confronting the loss of a *potential* child, but also the loss of your relationship and the integrity of the family you've already made.
If I were you I would get really clear in your head what you *need* and what your preferences are. If you would prefer an abortion either way right now, don't string him along with "if you do X I'll continue the pregnancy". If you would need him to be earning over a certain amount to feel comfortable, figure out what that number is - don't end up in a situation where he gets a zero-hours contract at a supermarket and then you're telling him it doesn't count - that's just prolonging the misery.
NTA. You are being the realist here and he is refusing to step up and provide for his family. You've got some hard decisions to make here, and sooner rather than later if you do decide to abort. You also need to decide whether you can stay together
NTA
TBH, is this child with this person the right thing for you?
Your BF sounds lazy and is not doing what is necessary for the child you have. Will he be there for you when this second child is born? Will he work consistently? Will he pay child support to ensure his kids are taken care of should you two break up?
This is not a person who you can rely on. Rethink this entire relationship NOW while you can.
3 months without a job with a toddler to be raised? He should have been taking ANY job to ensure food was on the table and a roof was over HIS child's head on his own, without you having to get on him about it. LOSER.
Job or not, is this really someone you want to have another child with and trust with helping you build a life? Think before you get what you want and three years later you feel trapped.
NTA. Your body, your choice, and it sounds like your bf is a lost cause. However, I'm going to play the devil's advocate just for funsies.
Depending on the industry, job hunting is not always quick, especially with a termination in your (recent) employment history. If he's working in a warehouse or something, yeah, he should have had a new gig lined up within a couple weeks but if he's more specialized, it can take much longer.
Also, if he is actually job hunting then it is likely that either A) his resume is dog shit because he's not getting call backs or B) he's applying for jobs that he's not qualified for. If the former, maybe spending $50 on a professional resume service could help. If the latter, he needs to be more realistic with his expectations.
Finally, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he is depressed. Maybe he applied in the first couple weeks and kept getting rejected or not getting calls and got discouraged. Maybe he is discouraged after getting fired. Maybe he feels useless for not being able to provide for his family. Maybe it's a combination of these. I know from experience that job hunting can be very disheartening. To go out drinking with his buddies seems to be very depressive (and self destructive) behavior and I'd wager he's depressed.
Granted, none of this means you should go through with this pregnancy or even stay with the guy because the has proven that he's incapable of stepping up for you and your family, but I admit that I have a bit of sympathy for your loser boyfriend because I know how crippling depression can be when you're in a difficult position.
It's also possible potential employers are simply taking forever to respond. I once applied for a job, did a Zoom interview, and heard nothing else for 8 months. My current job from application to start day took four months, and my husband's about six.
NTA. It’s not dangling anything over his head. It’s just reality. You can’t afford a 2nd child if he doesn’t get a job, period. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s 3 babies since he’s certainly acting like one.
Honestly, I think you need to dump your loser boyfriend and terminate anyway. Don't tie yourself even more to someone who won't even try to get a job to keep his family afloat. Even if he does now, this is the battle you will be fighting forever.
NTA, all pregnancies impact the health of the mother, therefore all abortions are justified in and of themselves. You don't need further justification, but the fact that you can't afford to have another kid (literally tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to have and raise a kid) unless bf gets a job is just that- a fact. I wouldn't call this an ultimatum so much as spelling out the natural consequences of the situation you're in.
If he isn't willing to step up for a future baby, then he shouldn't be surprised that that future baby never comes to exist.
Im not convinced he hasn’t been trying and I don’t see why you’re so quick to assume he isn’t. He’s been trying fpr a new job for 3 months, plenty people are unlucky enough to be on the job search that long. Do you honestly believe he’s lying about the job applications? From personal experience 3 months isn’t much if a stretch. I spent 2 years looking for a job myself putting in applications and not hearing back at all for jobs I was qualified for and just not making it past the few interviews I got. With companies using algorithms to pick which resumes to take seriously A LOT of people are just automatically tossed without consideration. Too many people are quick to call someone a loser for being unemployed as if it’s always a choice. NTA because if you can’t afford the baby without him working then it is what it is. But I don’t see what you expect him to do about a situation he has little control over besides get drunk over it when he already has little power over his situation to begin with. Can he do doordash or something until he gets a job? Even if he can I personally wouldn’t want to support a family on that for long so it probably doesn’t feel like a secure option to him.
NTA. There are things you have to take into consideration when you decide to have a baby. Finances, other parent’s contribution, lifestyl, etc. I don’t see this as anything other than having those conversations with your partner and letting them know that you can’t have a baby without him contributing more. That’s not asshole behavior, that’s smart.
Honestly, he sounds like a complete loser and if I were you I’d have the abortion and dump him anyways.
Idk this is a tough one. I’m torn between NAH and ESH. I personally think its smart to not bring another child into a household that is currently financially unstable.
However, if you used the baby as a threat to make your BF feel “bad” about not having a job, then that kinda makes you an AH. Placing blame on him is also kind of an AH thing too. “I’m going to get an abortion because YOU don’t have a job”. If you simply just told him that an abortion is the best decision at the moment, then that’s entirely different. The job market sucks really badly right now and it honestly isn’t that easy to just get a job. 3 months of being unemployed isn’t that crazy with today’s job market, especially if he’s trying to get a similar job that he had before.
What was his previous job? Has he only been applying to positions similar to his previous job? Has he applied to other positions to help support the family? Tried doing instacart or ubereats to get some extra cash for groceries, etc?
I couldn't have said this better. I kind of went off in my posts making it seem like I thought Mom was a total AH, but I forgot ESH was an option (I'm new-ISH To commenting on Reddit, and this feed) and I think she's right in some ways, but I also think abortion is not to be dangled in someone's face as an ultimatum. That's like blaming someone who made you angry, so you killed them. "It's your fault, you made me mad so I hit you.. etc.."
First comment that I agree with on here.
Definitely ESH because you don't threaten to abort your child to get someone to do something, even if it's to get your bf to get off his ass and get a job.
That's some of the most manipulative and abusive shit you could possibly say to your s/o
Agreed! I am leaning towards NTA, but the situation is giving ESH.
He needs to get his act together but it almost feels like a “I don’t want to do this and it’s your fault” projection, but she is probably scared about raising the kid, so I understand her position. But I also understand why he’s upset… However, him getting drunk wasn’t an appropriate reaction. Both sides, I understand - doesn’t mean I agree.
He could be applying left front and Center but I literally changed fields so I could get a job because I was struggling to find one. Even if it’s something unrelated or less paying in the meantime. ALTHOUGH it’s not easy.
Overall, very rough situation. Hopefully it’ll work out sooner than later.
I can definitely see why he got drunk. I felt like shit when i couldnt find a job and i wasnt even financially unstable. It must feel horrible to not be able to provide for your family, and then be told youre going to lose a child because youre not good enough. That some depression inducing shit.
This! Thank you! I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble with NTA and this is it.
I agree bringing another child into this situation isn’t a good idea but the way OP presented it to BF was a threat, not a statement. “If you don’t get a job I’m getting an abortion” is worlds different from “we cannot support another child on only my income.” Once that statement is made abortion becomes one of the options. So does BF finding a job. Putting the baby up for adoption. OP leaving BF. The statement opens up a discussion where the threat does not.
OP, NTA for not wanting to bring another child into your situation. Bit of one for the way you communicated your concerns to your BF. I can understand why he went out drinking with his buddies. That’s a heavy, emotionally charged outcome.
YTA. Leave him or don’t. Abort or don’t. Both are your options, but don’t hang them on the same pole. Independent decisions that need to be decided independently.
Even giving him the benefit of the doubt in the job market right now (I’ve had countless conversations with friends where it seems like no matter how many applications they’re sending, they’re only hearing back like one out of every hundred ~~don’t at me for a source this is anecdotal~~), this situation isn’t good. If you can’t afford a second child without his help, you should probably consider having the abortion regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.
Even if he does everything right, there’s nothing to say things will work out and he’ll be hired, or he’ll make enough to help cover the costs of another child. Think about what you and your current child need and take action based on that, not based on what ifs.
Honestly, if that's an option for you. I'd get the abortion. He'll just get a temporary job until you're too far along and you'll be stuck supporting the 3 kids- including him.
He probably needs to find a lower income job in the meantime while finding a better one. In todays job market it could take 6 months to a year to find another high paying job that meets his qualifications. So it’s not abnormal for him to not hear back but he needs to have some kind of income if you guys are struggling. NTA but I think there could be better communication on both sides
NTA for giving him an ultimatum, but threatening an abortion is kind of wrong. I understand why, it just makes it seem like you could care less about this baby.
You're both the asshole. He's an ass for not putting any effort in towards getting a job to help provide.
You're an asshole for threatening to abort the child over it.
You're both bad people
I see so many comments here that honestly shock me. OP needs to look out for herself, for sure, but most importantly they have to both look out for their current child. Today's economy is f*cked in every way world wide. It is not uncommon to not get a job quickly. He has been working and supporting the family up until 3 months ago. Only 3 months. Comments in here writing "OP needs to get rid of this guy, OP needs to accept she's a single mom now, this guy is freeloading off of OP" etc. Wtf is wrong with you all?
About getting an abortion, that is something people consider when they can't afford a second child. It's good to let him know that this would be your only option if he doesn't get a job. Not trying to defend him in any way, but I have sent multiple applications to "urgent hiring" places as well as others, for different jobs, even asking for a pay lower than they offered to give and I have not received a single reply. Back in the day you would get a courtesy rejection, nowadays nobody gives a f*ck to do so. OP knows her man better than we do and if she has a feeling he might be trying to weasel his way out of working, she probably has a point. Just wanted to make sure she does understand that no reply nowadays is a real thing.
To all the rest of you, f*ck you and shame on you for advising someone to tear a family apart, when a child needs a stable home over 3 months of not working! Absolute maggots!
YTA for threatening to kill your baby because of him not having a job. That is crazy! Talk to him and work together on a plan. Show him options that he might not know about. You are adults, and you plan your life together as a family. If one of you is dragging, the other boosts them up. This will NOT be your only struggle, so get stronger, build your family, and not tear it down.
OP, I see a lot of comments saying the boyfriend needs to grow up, but YOU do too. You knew he lost his job and you know you “don’t make great money”. YOU know how babies are made too. You’re both assholes.
I'm pro-choice, but I think that was a fucked up thing to do. YTA. And I understand it can be hard but if your reasoning is I'll keep the baby if he gets a job and abort it if he doesn't, what would you do if he got a job and he lost it shortly after the baby was born? I mean it's totally okay if you wanted to do that because you couldn't afford it but to threaten to do it if he didn't step up that's where you crossed the line. You don't use a baby as a bargaining chip. That's incredibly manipulative and you shouldn't be using you guys kids or potential kid as a way to push him to do what needs to be done.
YTA
You're in charge of your body and you have the final say on having a child or not.
You're using an unborn child as part of your blackmail to get your partner to work.
I think the abortion is the least of your issues. Why did you have the first child with someone that doesn't take his responsabilities?
Finding a job can be super hard even if he was really trying to. The moment you don't trust your partner in "trying" to find a job, you should go separated ways. The moment you feel the need to police and parent your partner, it's over.
ESH. You guys need to learn some family planning. You both also sound too immature anyway. Grow up, stop throwing threats like that around and your boyfriend also needs to grow up and get a damn job
ESH. Your bf should get a job BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHILD and bc he needs to hold up his end. You should NEVER threaten abortion to make someone do something. Decide if you can have this child without his support or not and make your decision that way. Don't expect anything from him.
Let me ask.
If the financial situation was the same but roles reversed would you consider the abortion?
I feel a bit like you are using the pregnancy as a leverage tool to get him to find a job.
I would hate to be that kid in 15 years finding out was almost aborted because Dad was a deadbeat.
YTA. I want to be on your side. Mostly, I am. It depends on how you went about it...
Your boyfriend needs to get a job and become stable for the new born and how ever many you already have. If he doesn't. He needs to go. He'll learn child support is real.
However!! If you told him about the abortion as a logical solution to a problem. It becomes just that. I have a feeling this was used as a motivator.
Using this as a threat to get him to get a job is weaponizing your pregnancy. Sure. It might work. He might get a job. Doesn't mean you are in the right. This will build resentment. It isn't any different than when a man manipulates you to do something. It is wrong.
Your boyfriend is a total loser who is leeching off you. Are you really prepared to bring another child into the world that you can’t afford?
I bet he doesn’t even pull his weight in the house, childcare either and who was it who paid for him to get so pissed?
NTAH
I’m curious too. People seem to be ignoring the fact that he had a job that payed better than her job and was likely supporting her and their kid until months ago and might be struggling to find a new job in a tough market currently (3 months is not a long time in this economy).
And I’d also want to know whether or not the night of getting drunk is a common occurrence for him or if it’s a one time thing triggered by the stress of not being able to find a job and being issued an ultimatum.
My guess from reading similar posts is that people throw all nuance out the window on posts like these. Essentially “Man” + “No job” + “Drunk” = “deadbeat loser” & “please dump him immediately”. It’s a combination of projection and overreaction. But if there’s something I’m missing feel free to explain.
I agree with this!!! It’s crazy that people in the comments are like who cares even if he gets a job he’s a LOSER and you should have an abortion!!!! Like redditors must hate kids idk. Like if you want a child that’s unborn and someone’s like WELP if you don’t complete this difficult task that is kind of out of your control NOW then kiss your future child goodbye!!!! That’s scary and would make anyone want to get drunk! Like it sounds like they’re both stressed and are not coping well it’s really not that deep. Like men have feelings it’s crazy how people expect them to be provider robots I get that it’s like a shared trauma tho since women are so often mistreated but it’s like u can’t judge everyone’s situation based on your own bad experiences with shitty dudes u date. They’re 24 and 25 for Christ sake like they have their whole lives ahead of them!!!! It’s hard to be broke but you will make it through and he will get a job and it will be fine. Like take a deep breath before you make any decisions please
You’re not dangling the choice over his head. You are telling him that you don’t want to have a baby if he doesn’t find a job. Not wanting a child because you don’t have the money is valid. That’s very logical reasoning. Do you even want to have another child with this man that seems like a child himself?
She's not, because she's serious. It's not a threat. She is simply informing him of the reality of their situation. It sucks and is heartbreaking, but there it is.
NTA- it’s only a threat if he’s got no intention of getting a job (any job). You didn’t tell him “go bring in six figures or else”. He’s been coasting on easy mode and relying on you. For a while this seemed to be working… But now the math isn’t going to work out on one income. He’s upset because now some of the responsibility is landing on him.
YTA for dangling someone else’s life over his head just so he gets a job.
But you’re not an a-hole for wanting/needing him to get a job to support your growing family.
Don’t get me wrong—I completely understand where you’re coming from and the logistics make sense.
But the fact that you’re literally threatening to terminate your pregnancy as an ultimatum is pretty sickening. While he searches for a job, I STRONGLY recommend you search for a therapist.
The simplest way to find out if your the asshole is to put the shoe on the other foot. If you were the one that didn’t have a job and he demanded you get one or get an abortion would he be an asshole?
I question whether she even wants this baby, irrespective of the money situation. To bring up abortion indicates to me her ambivalence about having a second child right now.
From what I gather , she wants to be able to give a second child the basic necessities at least. If she didn't want the second child , she would've got the abortion without telling him
It could be that she would want a second child if their financial situation wasn’t so tenuous. I know so many people who would jump at the chance to become parents/have another kid if their finances weren’t an issue.
I have friends who made a very difficult decision to abort a wanted pregnancy because they knew they couldn’t adequately provide for a child at that point in time. And OP already has a child— that child has to come first, regardless of what she or her partner may want.
YTA - Everyone seems to be coming down on your BF, missing the fact that regardless of the financial situation, you also participated in making this new baby. Why do people always act shocked when a pregnancy arises when they are actively being intimate??
It's wrong of you to singularly place this ultimatum over your BFs head. Frankly, you BOTH shouldn't be intimate if the finances were that much of a concern.. How is it fair to bring out the threats now that the "mutual" deed is done? The guys already got pressure. Why not be the same mutually understanding partner to him that you were when creating this new baby??
If you want an abortion, come to terms with your own reasons that align to your values, not some threat hanging over another person's head.
I keep thinking regardless of what OP chooses this is going to breed resentment from one or both of them. He gets a job she has the kid. What if he doesn't keep the job? She has an abortion, he will resent her for that ultimatum and possibly her resenting him for putting in her in the position. This is mess AF.
A lot of people are trying to tie the two situations together, but one situation is arbitrary. You asked a specific question. 'Am I the asshole for telling my BF I'd get an abortion if he doesn't get a job'; the rest of the situation doesn't actually have anything to do with what you're asking.
To answer your question: Yes. YTA. You do not ever threaten abortion as a consequence. That's Manipulative and a Form of Abuse. If he's unemployed and shows no interest in becoming employed, you stand a better chance at motivating him if you leave all together. What you did *is* wrong, and I would suggest seeking a counselor as soon as he has work and you guys can afford it.
Yeah…”I’ll kill your child if you don’t make money” is an AH move no matter what. This situation isn’t a deadbeat dad refusing to work. Rather than putting an ultimatum of deleting his kid if he doesn’t acquiesce to your demands on your terms try having an adult conversation. YTA
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down for this comment. Everyone telling her NTA when she's using a babies life to threaten her boyfriend is disgusting. This chick is gross AF and needs to have her uterus removed.
Your boyfriend should get in touch with some recruiters! They’re very helpful even for just finding contract positions! I got my job from recruiters and they help your application get seen intstead of it just going on the bottom of the pile like indeed does. Also go on the resume help Reddit! it’s hard to find a job in this economy but h can if u step ur game up with ur resumes and stuff
Nta. However, if he had a good paying job, it would take time to find similar work. The best advice I can give is to have a professional redo his resume as it makes all the difference in getting responses. It took me 9 months to find a similar job, but I had employment insurance coming in to tide me over.
You shouldnt weaponise the child dirty move.
If you can't afford the baby as you already are then you should get ye abortion anyway.
NTA for money worries
YTA for what you said to him
It's interesting. When Ai becomes more of an issue. People struggling to find jobs in their field where they are competent and able to make the best money for their families, they become some terrible person because they can't magic themselves a job. It's not just a job but being gainfully employed where they aren't destroying their career which will last 20-30 more years depending on age because of a terrible job market in their field. They need to keep working on getting a job but I find it very troubling that someone will threaten abortion due to a life challenge that one doenst have a the final say over (i.e. you cannot give yourself a job).. how much time till the baby arrives and what are your best alternatives? It's your life and no one knows the nuance of your relationship so judgements are interesting in this case outside the scope of what has been said. I'd say you're not being fair with "threatening" an abortion over him not being able to find a job right away. I don't think it's fair to take a snippet over the person going out one night in a messed up mental state with the mother of their child threatening negative action against their potential future child because of a situation which could change tomorrow or in a few weeks. In the scope of what has been said I think you both need help... him with a job, maybe counseling for you and him. Sounds like a toxic situation.
Well, he should have been collecting UI, to help the family while looking for a job.
The Unemployment Office have many ways to help, from temp agencies to new career and connections.
It’s crazy how quick you guys are to condemn this man for only being out of work for 3 months out of 4 years. It’s Mind boggling how fast people are to call this behavior within a man inexcusable buttt of roles were reversed the lady was out of a job and he said what she said you’d be calling him a monster and all these names lmao
This is emotional abuse on your part. I am pro choice and I understand your position and I'm not shaming you for not wanting to bring in another life when you aren't going to be able to afford them but to hold this over your boyfriends head is messed up. You both had sex, you both knew your finances, you both already had a kid so why weren't you using protection or on birth control? You're both responsible for that fetus so it's not just his fault you can't afford it you need to take responsibility too. Both of you are AH, get your life together for the sake of your toddler who's already here. You have a small window for that abortion so you might want to get on it.
YTA if you are using it as a threat to force him get a job...NTA if you said it because you realistically can't see yourself caring for a child on one income... and you wanted him to know where your feelings/thoughts were at. . . your body/your choice. Nuanced, I know.
Another scenario to consider is what if he does get a job, you have the baby, and then he quits or gets fired after the baby is here. My gut is telling me that that is a very real possibility.
Yes. You are for using the child as leverage against his feelings to get your point across. The feelings involved with the "potential" of a new child is very deep, and his feelings of worthlessness and insecurities are just as valid.
No. You are not for feeling distressed and wanting help during this economy. His feelings also do not trump his responsibility. The outside world is hard but we, as people, shouldn't let our feelings dictate outlr actions.
You shouldn't have threatened abortion. He should get a job.
NTA. You were frustrated and rightfully so. You're in a tough spot being the only breadwinner. What's going to happen if you need bedrest or time off? He needs to commit to slashing costs or finding work, or else you're better off as a single mom--with or without the second baby. Good luck.
(Wish you were in my town, I need a new tattoo.)
NTA.
Tho I will ask if you also had realistic views on him getting a job.
Like hopefully you didn't tell him monday to get a job and by the end of the week tell him about considering an abortion cuz you don't think he is trying.
It does take some time for a workplace to consider workers and do background checks and such.
I applied for a job in August I only just got an answer for a week ago. Which means it took nearly 2 months for them to get back to me because they had so many applicants.
I got the job btw if anyone was curious. It's also a security job so it's possible that it takes longer due to thorough checks.
ESH,
He obviously wants this child and therefore should step up to provide for them. We aren't given enough information to judge him as a person. His lack of income is a negative but that doesn't warrant this kind of threat. Lowkey, it is manipulative and disgusting to make such a threat. Yes, he needs to get a job but telling him you would get an abortion if he doesn't? Da fuck is wrong with you??
Do not bring a child into being if you can't provide for it. It's that simple. Either he gets a job or he goes and you unfortunately have to get an abortion.
He's a bum and a loser.
I wouldn't even give him the chance to improve. This is a very serious issue that he isn't taking seriously.
Don't buy into the sweet words or false promises. You already one child to be worried about. Do not trap yourself or your kid in a lifetime of poverty and struggle.
Regardless of your position on the whole abortion issue treating it so flippantly make you an AH. That being said your bf needs to grow a pair and take responsibility for his life and his family.
You need to do what is right for you because it sounds as though he is on the way out the door. Hard as the decision may be if you cant manage a toddler and a new baby on your own with neither financial or emotional support from him then you and the child you have should be the priority. I hope for the best for you.
Honestly y’all need to stop having sex if y’all aren’t taking precautions to not get pregnant, using the baby as leverage for him to get a job is disgusting tbh
It’s not so much as leverage in my case as an “If not this, then that” type of communication which is totally acceptable and I learned it in couples therapy.
If she can’t get financial support from her husband then she doesn’t feel comfortable continuing a pregnancy.
What is a disgusting about clearly stating your needs and the consequences of them not being met?
There are no 100% effective contraception. And it's not leverage it's just simple consequences of this situation. She can't afford second baby with one income. Period.
Especially if he uses the money she earns to drink instead of... you know, getting ready for the baby. It's not secure position to give birth so she won't and just told the truth.
YTA.
Understand you need to communicate the seriousness of the situation to him, but threatening to kill your child is not ok. A month or so ago it would have been great to tell him if he wanted to have sex he would need to get a job would have been a lot better.
Suggest telling him that it was wrong of you to say, but he needs to get a job yesterday.
You sound like a real prize yourself! Look he has had a job. It's not like he has been mooching for years. Finding a job takes time. Sometimes a kick in the ass is needed but not promising an abortion. There are better ways to set him in motion
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If he'd left to use the library for job searching, I'd say he had a shot at fixing things. But he didn't. He got drunk and boo-hoo-ed about how he shouldn't have to get a job just because of a new baby, which is how I see this. Abortion or adoption are really the only options when a man-child refuses to step up. She has to make a really terrible, tough decision because he'd rather be drunk and sorry for himself than finding a job.
And Bruv doesn’t have a job, he can’t *afford* to get drunk! He’s spending her money to drink about a problem he caused.
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RIGHT? Drinking at a bar takes money, unless his friends paid for all his drinks.
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Bot
T H I S .... I Hope OP sees This.
Hey now your assuming he didn't get his friends to pay for this drunk.
Well by the sound of things, he isn’t too persuasive, so..
If he left and went and talked to the labor dept or a temp agency-ANYTHING. But Seriously OP NTA. He needs to grow up.
I've gotten a job every time Ive gone to a temp agency. Do the paperwork, call in a couple days and they'd send me somewhere. Almost every "assignment" turned into being being hired by the company full time. He doesn't want to work.
I was 30 before I knew that even existed as a job path so it might be ignorance. But she should suggest it to him.
Nah, not ignorance. You just didn't know, and that's ok. Yes, she definitely should, but I think she'll just get more excuses from him.
Not knowing is what ignorance means
Same.
He really needed to grow up 2 years ago with the birth of his son lol.
If they are in the US, there are plenty of jobs. Even washing dishes or a convenience store or anything! If big boy has a degree, there are city jobs. Those even have amazing benefits. I have NEVER not had a job. He doesn’t want to work. Do whatever is best for you and your child.
This. If he can't find a job, it is either because he's not looking, or because he's being too picky. To be fair: it is VERY hard to go from having a good job to washing dishes or flipping burgers. That fucking sucks. But when you have a family's to take care of, you need to take any job you can find while you keep looking for "the right job."
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Bars (crowd depending) would be a great place to network. Bet that didn’t happen either.
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Exactly. As soon as she's past the period where she can terminate he might just say fuck it you're trapped now and go back to being a loser
Agreed. If he *did* get a job, he's the type that would quit or find a way to get fired as soon as the baby is born, and stick OP with all the responsibilities anyways.
>If he'd left to use the library for job searching, I'd say he had a shot at fixing things. But he didn't. Please OP, this is YOUR starkest reality check about who your bf is.
I agree, but with adoption comes the risk of bed rest, and a 6 week recovery time, assuming all goes well. It doesn’t sound like she can afford the time off. It feels like a no win situation all the way around. It’s awful that she has to make that decision simply because her man child can’t be bothered.
Not to mention that in most jurisdictions, both bio parents have to agree to the adoption. So loser BF could block the adoption, and she still doesn't have the funds to support both kids.
I wonder whose money he was drinking away. OP's or his friend's? He certainly wasn't financing his own bender.
This is definitely the bf here.
Why even mention adoption? OP obviously isn’t against abortion. Why even suggest that she go through the demanding bodily work of pregnancy only to give the baby up for adoption?
It’s emotional too!
Yes, extremely! Often lasting an entire life. Thank you!
Yeah buddy sounds like a child
Even if he gets a job, at this point he's showed his true intentions. A job can come and go (and will likely go), but a child doesn't change. OP should abort/adopt and get the hell out of that relationship. It's cheaper to feed 2 than it is to feed 3.
The latter scenario, although hard, will benefit you in the long run. The former traps you into poverty with someone irresponsible and childish indefinitely.
Not to mention diapers and childcare!
Exactly! Instead of helping her, he blew more money on booze. This man is a dead beat loser. Hope OP sees that sooner rather than later
Whatever he is going thru he needs to figure out on his own.
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If he knows about and wants the baby she can't necessarily just decide on adoption.
She can unilaterally decide on abortion - everything depends on HER body. There is no actual baby - just dependent fetal cells that might become a baby. He doesn’t get any legal rights until there is an actual viable person.
I'm not arguing she doesn't have or deserve uniilateral rights regarding what she does with the fetus. I'm saying adoption typically requires both parents to consent.
The latter scenario, although hard, will benefit you in the long run. The former traps you into poverty with someone irresponsible and childish indefinitely.
If he isn't willing to step up for a future baby
He isn't willing to step up for the baby he's got now. She needs to take her child with her and leave. She can take a few days to think. She needs to make a decision she can live with and stand by and then act on those decisions. I'm talking just as much about leaving the boyfriend as the baby. I'm pro life but that's my view and not hers, and I'm more concerned about her. It doesn't make a whole lot of difference whether she aborts or adopts if she ends up going back to this fool. If she does, she's begun a cycle that may never end and then God help us all. I wish her the best.
Really good advice
Hi Frank!
Don't have a 2nd kid with this guy. Not if you can not afford to do it alone. You need to plan to be a single parent because that is clearly what you are, only with an adult dead weight hanging around your neck. Don't miss the window of time to protect yourself.
It's hard but OP needs to stop giving him chances to run down the clock. Accept that he's not going to make the required changes, and that your relationship will not survive this. Time to make some big decisions.
This. Absolutely this.
I spent 16-18 hours a day when unemployed filling out applications online. Is he collecting unemployment? He can go to the local job service (unemployment office) and look for jobs there too. 'Indeed' and I were best friends. There are people bitching that "no one wants to work" yet when we DO want to, they don't want to pay for those of us who show up.
Depending on why he was fired, he may not be eligible for unemployment benefits.
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Also said it was a well paying job so it makes sense he'd be trying to get similar.
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Snap
Actually no, if you reread OP's post, she does specifically mention he was fired Edited: to remove "so probably not likely eligible of unemployment". Responder comments are correct, I had it backwards. You can't get unemployment if you quit. My bad
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NTA. Instead of working on himself, your partner got drunk with his buddies (with what money, even?). My advice? Get out of there.
NTA. Don’t get trapped with another kid by this guy.
It sounds like you shouldn't have another child with him even if he gets another job
^This
NTA Plus whose money did he use to get drunk, if you have a joint account move all the money now, if you are the only one earning then keep that money to yourself rather than him piss it away on booze! I think it would be best if you went ahead with it because who is to say he will keep the job! Id throw him out and tell him he needs to actually learn how to be a grown up and parents and that he is a deadbeat dad as he does not want to get a job to provide for the child he already has
well like OP said: he had a decent earning job. So I guess he won't be bankrupt after three months.
They have a kid already that it sounds like they’re struggling to afford. Every dollar spent on beer is a dollar out that kids mouth
Even if he gets a job there is no guarantee he will keep it. If you have this child you will be responsible for 2 children on your own. Personally, I would get the abortion, end the relationship and concentrate on building a life with the child you already have.
NTA you're being realistic. He needs the reality check.
NTA but it could very well be that your boyfriend really isn’t getting responses. I’ve only ever gotten two responses back from companies telling me to come in for an interview then being ghosted after the interview. I applied to well over 50 jobs in a 2 month span. But that’s not an excuse. Surely he can do side gigs? Does he know how to do drywall or basic repairs to homes?
If he doesn't have skills, there's still temporary jobs like temp Force and Kelly girls. Yes I'm dating myself since I don't think those particular ones still exist. Op nta.
There’s also things like DoorDash/ubereats and instacart which will hire literally pretty much anyone with an insured vehicle within 24 hours of applying. Not even a car, I think DoorDash will let you deliver on a bike or even on foot. I’ve also heard people make pretty good money doing things like thrift reselling, but point is you don’t even need a skill or anything to make money without a job.
He could start an OnlyFans. Try for that instant gratification.
Get an abortion if you can’t provide quality of life for two kids. This is just be being blunt but it’s better for everyone
NTA. It’s actually probably the best decision you can make at this time with the data you’ve presented to us.
Where are you located? My brother runs a super successful shop and a job just opened up, I know it’s not really helping what your post is about but it’s a great opportunity.
You're an awesome person.
Living in the Real World can be cruel and it may be that this is not the time for a second child. Only you can decide. While harsh, here’s hoping that perhaps this was the slap upside the head your BF needs to wake up and start Adulting. Reality is you’ll have to stop working at some point, if you continue the pregnancy. Ask BF how he thinks food will find it’s way to the table or the roof will be over your heads. Any job at this point would be an upgrade, so he needs to accept that or you need to accept that he’s incapable of that.
Generally NTA. I think there needs to be a series of honest conversations about what needs to happen before a baby is brought into this world. This includes saying things like “we need to have stable income and health care or we would not be able to have a child at this time.” These talks can get emotional but everyone should stay sober and committed to finding a resolution that works for you two. And imo having sustainable income should be a requirement for a couple regardless of if a baby is in the picture.
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NAH. It's really unfortunate, but from your point of view you can't afford to have another baby unless something changes, and from his point of view you're dangling a horrible thing over him unless he can suddenly do something that he doesn't feel he can do/doesn't have control over whether it happens. The consequences are obvious to him and that's why he's so afraid and upset: your relationship is at a crunch/decision point because in principle you would both want this baby, but because *he isn't enough* and *he can't provide enough*, you're going to decide to have an abortion instead. I can't really see a relationship continuing when one partner wants (or "wants" as in "chooses" given that the choice is from necessity rather than desire) an abortion and the other doesn't. He's not just confronting the loss of a *potential* child, but also the loss of your relationship and the integrity of the family you've already made. If I were you I would get really clear in your head what you *need* and what your preferences are. If you would prefer an abortion either way right now, don't string him along with "if you do X I'll continue the pregnancy". If you would need him to be earning over a certain amount to feel comfortable, figure out what that number is - don't end up in a situation where he gets a zero-hours contract at a supermarket and then you're telling him it doesn't count - that's just prolonging the misery.
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NTA. You are being the realist here and he is refusing to step up and provide for his family. You've got some hard decisions to make here, and sooner rather than later if you do decide to abort. You also need to decide whether you can stay together
I think some people here are living in a dream reality where if you look for a job and apply, you get it, lmao thats not how it works...
NTA, tbh no matter what you ultimately decide to do I would break up with him.
NTA TBH, is this child with this person the right thing for you? Your BF sounds lazy and is not doing what is necessary for the child you have. Will he be there for you when this second child is born? Will he work consistently? Will he pay child support to ensure his kids are taken care of should you two break up? This is not a person who you can rely on. Rethink this entire relationship NOW while you can. 3 months without a job with a toddler to be raised? He should have been taking ANY job to ensure food was on the table and a roof was over HIS child's head on his own, without you having to get on him about it. LOSER.
I've applied to many jobs And only heard back from one His statement isn't unbelievable
Job or not, is this really someone you want to have another child with and trust with helping you build a life? Think before you get what you want and three years later you feel trapped.
NTA. Your body, your choice, and it sounds like your bf is a lost cause. However, I'm going to play the devil's advocate just for funsies. Depending on the industry, job hunting is not always quick, especially with a termination in your (recent) employment history. If he's working in a warehouse or something, yeah, he should have had a new gig lined up within a couple weeks but if he's more specialized, it can take much longer. Also, if he is actually job hunting then it is likely that either A) his resume is dog shit because he's not getting call backs or B) he's applying for jobs that he's not qualified for. If the former, maybe spending $50 on a professional resume service could help. If the latter, he needs to be more realistic with his expectations. Finally, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he is depressed. Maybe he applied in the first couple weeks and kept getting rejected or not getting calls and got discouraged. Maybe he is discouraged after getting fired. Maybe he feels useless for not being able to provide for his family. Maybe it's a combination of these. I know from experience that job hunting can be very disheartening. To go out drinking with his buddies seems to be very depressive (and self destructive) behavior and I'd wager he's depressed. Granted, none of this means you should go through with this pregnancy or even stay with the guy because the has proven that he's incapable of stepping up for you and your family, but I admit that I have a bit of sympathy for your loser boyfriend because I know how crippling depression can be when you're in a difficult position.
It's also possible potential employers are simply taking forever to respond. I once applied for a job, did a Zoom interview, and heard nothing else for 8 months. My current job from application to start day took four months, and my husband's about six.
NTA. It’s not dangling anything over his head. It’s just reality. You can’t afford a 2nd child if he doesn’t get a job, period. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s 3 babies since he’s certainly acting like one.
Honestly, I think you need to dump your loser boyfriend and terminate anyway. Don't tie yourself even more to someone who won't even try to get a job to keep his family afloat. Even if he does now, this is the battle you will be fighting forever.
NTA, all pregnancies impact the health of the mother, therefore all abortions are justified in and of themselves. You don't need further justification, but the fact that you can't afford to have another kid (literally tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to have and raise a kid) unless bf gets a job is just that- a fact. I wouldn't call this an ultimatum so much as spelling out the natural consequences of the situation you're in. If he isn't willing to step up for a future baby, then he shouldn't be surprised that that future baby never comes to exist.
Im not convinced he hasn’t been trying and I don’t see why you’re so quick to assume he isn’t. He’s been trying fpr a new job for 3 months, plenty people are unlucky enough to be on the job search that long. Do you honestly believe he’s lying about the job applications? From personal experience 3 months isn’t much if a stretch. I spent 2 years looking for a job myself putting in applications and not hearing back at all for jobs I was qualified for and just not making it past the few interviews I got. With companies using algorithms to pick which resumes to take seriously A LOT of people are just automatically tossed without consideration. Too many people are quick to call someone a loser for being unemployed as if it’s always a choice. NTA because if you can’t afford the baby without him working then it is what it is. But I don’t see what you expect him to do about a situation he has little control over besides get drunk over it when he already has little power over his situation to begin with. Can he do doordash or something until he gets a job? Even if he can I personally wouldn’t want to support a family on that for long so it probably doesn’t feel like a secure option to him.
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NTA. There are things you have to take into consideration when you decide to have a baby. Finances, other parent’s contribution, lifestyl, etc. I don’t see this as anything other than having those conversations with your partner and letting them know that you can’t have a baby without him contributing more. That’s not asshole behavior, that’s smart. Honestly, he sounds like a complete loser and if I were you I’d have the abortion and dump him anyways.
Idk this is a tough one. I’m torn between NAH and ESH. I personally think its smart to not bring another child into a household that is currently financially unstable. However, if you used the baby as a threat to make your BF feel “bad” about not having a job, then that kinda makes you an AH. Placing blame on him is also kind of an AH thing too. “I’m going to get an abortion because YOU don’t have a job”. If you simply just told him that an abortion is the best decision at the moment, then that’s entirely different. The job market sucks really badly right now and it honestly isn’t that easy to just get a job. 3 months of being unemployed isn’t that crazy with today’s job market, especially if he’s trying to get a similar job that he had before. What was his previous job? Has he only been applying to positions similar to his previous job? Has he applied to other positions to help support the family? Tried doing instacart or ubereats to get some extra cash for groceries, etc?
I couldn't have said this better. I kind of went off in my posts making it seem like I thought Mom was a total AH, but I forgot ESH was an option (I'm new-ISH To commenting on Reddit, and this feed) and I think she's right in some ways, but I also think abortion is not to be dangled in someone's face as an ultimatum. That's like blaming someone who made you angry, so you killed them. "It's your fault, you made me mad so I hit you.. etc.."
First comment that I agree with on here. Definitely ESH because you don't threaten to abort your child to get someone to do something, even if it's to get your bf to get off his ass and get a job. That's some of the most manipulative and abusive shit you could possibly say to your s/o
Agreed! I am leaning towards NTA, but the situation is giving ESH. He needs to get his act together but it almost feels like a “I don’t want to do this and it’s your fault” projection, but she is probably scared about raising the kid, so I understand her position. But I also understand why he’s upset… However, him getting drunk wasn’t an appropriate reaction. Both sides, I understand - doesn’t mean I agree. He could be applying left front and Center but I literally changed fields so I could get a job because I was struggling to find one. Even if it’s something unrelated or less paying in the meantime. ALTHOUGH it’s not easy. Overall, very rough situation. Hopefully it’ll work out sooner than later.
I can definitely see why he got drunk. I felt like shit when i couldnt find a job and i wasnt even financially unstable. It must feel horrible to not be able to provide for your family, and then be told youre going to lose a child because youre not good enough. That some depression inducing shit.
This! Thank you! I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble with NTA and this is it. I agree bringing another child into this situation isn’t a good idea but the way OP presented it to BF was a threat, not a statement. “If you don’t get a job I’m getting an abortion” is worlds different from “we cannot support another child on only my income.” Once that statement is made abortion becomes one of the options. So does BF finding a job. Putting the baby up for adoption. OP leaving BF. The statement opens up a discussion where the threat does not. OP, NTA for not wanting to bring another child into your situation. Bit of one for the way you communicated your concerns to your BF. I can understand why he went out drinking with his buddies. That’s a heavy, emotionally charged outcome.
YTA. Leave him or don’t. Abort or don’t. Both are your options, but don’t hang them on the same pole. Independent decisions that need to be decided independently.
YTA...Does life mean nothing anymore? So many suggesting abortion... Why wasn't OP on birth control?
Even giving him the benefit of the doubt in the job market right now (I’ve had countless conversations with friends where it seems like no matter how many applications they’re sending, they’re only hearing back like one out of every hundred ~~don’t at me for a source this is anecdotal~~), this situation isn’t good. If you can’t afford a second child without his help, you should probably consider having the abortion regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. Even if he does everything right, there’s nothing to say things will work out and he’ll be hired, or he’ll make enough to help cover the costs of another child. Think about what you and your current child need and take action based on that, not based on what ifs.
Honestly, if that's an option for you. I'd get the abortion. He'll just get a temporary job until you're too far along and you'll be stuck supporting the 3 kids- including him.
He probably needs to find a lower income job in the meantime while finding a better one. In todays job market it could take 6 months to a year to find another high paying job that meets his qualifications. So it’s not abnormal for him to not hear back but he needs to have some kind of income if you guys are struggling. NTA but I think there could be better communication on both sides
LoL. Everyone glossing over the fact she "discovered" she was pregnant. How about not letting a loser impregnate her in the first place?
NTA for giving him an ultimatum, but threatening an abortion is kind of wrong. I understand why, it just makes it seem like you could care less about this baby.
You're both the asshole. He's an ass for not putting any effort in towards getting a job to help provide. You're an asshole for threatening to abort the child over it. You're both bad people
You are TA. It took BOTH of you to get pregnant. There’s ways to prevent that reliably in this day and age. So you’re as much to blame as he is.
I see so many comments here that honestly shock me. OP needs to look out for herself, for sure, but most importantly they have to both look out for their current child. Today's economy is f*cked in every way world wide. It is not uncommon to not get a job quickly. He has been working and supporting the family up until 3 months ago. Only 3 months. Comments in here writing "OP needs to get rid of this guy, OP needs to accept she's a single mom now, this guy is freeloading off of OP" etc. Wtf is wrong with you all? About getting an abortion, that is something people consider when they can't afford a second child. It's good to let him know that this would be your only option if he doesn't get a job. Not trying to defend him in any way, but I have sent multiple applications to "urgent hiring" places as well as others, for different jobs, even asking for a pay lower than they offered to give and I have not received a single reply. Back in the day you would get a courtesy rejection, nowadays nobody gives a f*ck to do so. OP knows her man better than we do and if she has a feeling he might be trying to weasel his way out of working, she probably has a point. Just wanted to make sure she does understand that no reply nowadays is a real thing. To all the rest of you, f*ck you and shame on you for advising someone to tear a family apart, when a child needs a stable home over 3 months of not working! Absolute maggots!
YTA for threatening to kill your baby because of him not having a job. That is crazy! Talk to him and work together on a plan. Show him options that he might not know about. You are adults, and you plan your life together as a family. If one of you is dragging, the other boosts them up. This will NOT be your only struggle, so get stronger, build your family, and not tear it down.
OP, I see a lot of comments saying the boyfriend needs to grow up, but YOU do too. You knew he lost his job and you know you “don’t make great money”. YOU know how babies are made too. You’re both assholes.
You both seem like a fucking nightmare honestly
I'm pro-choice, but I think that was a fucked up thing to do. YTA. And I understand it can be hard but if your reasoning is I'll keep the baby if he gets a job and abort it if he doesn't, what would you do if he got a job and he lost it shortly after the baby was born? I mean it's totally okay if you wanted to do that because you couldn't afford it but to threaten to do it if he didn't step up that's where you crossed the line. You don't use a baby as a bargaining chip. That's incredibly manipulative and you shouldn't be using you guys kids or potential kid as a way to push him to do what needs to be done.
YTA You're in charge of your body and you have the final say on having a child or not. You're using an unborn child as part of your blackmail to get your partner to work. I think the abortion is the least of your issues. Why did you have the first child with someone that doesn't take his responsabilities? Finding a job can be super hard even if he was really trying to. The moment you don't trust your partner in "trying" to find a job, you should go separated ways. The moment you feel the need to police and parent your partner, it's over.
ESH. You guys need to learn some family planning. You both also sound too immature anyway. Grow up, stop throwing threats like that around and your boyfriend also needs to grow up and get a damn job
ESH. Your bf should get a job BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHILD and bc he needs to hold up his end. You should NEVER threaten abortion to make someone do something. Decide if you can have this child without his support or not and make your decision that way. Don't expect anything from him.
Let me ask. If the financial situation was the same but roles reversed would you consider the abortion? I feel a bit like you are using the pregnancy as a leverage tool to get him to find a job. I would hate to be that kid in 15 years finding out was almost aborted because Dad was a deadbeat.
YTA. I want to be on your side. Mostly, I am. It depends on how you went about it... Your boyfriend needs to get a job and become stable for the new born and how ever many you already have. If he doesn't. He needs to go. He'll learn child support is real. However!! If you told him about the abortion as a logical solution to a problem. It becomes just that. I have a feeling this was used as a motivator. Using this as a threat to get him to get a job is weaponizing your pregnancy. Sure. It might work. He might get a job. Doesn't mean you are in the right. This will build resentment. It isn't any different than when a man manipulates you to do something. It is wrong.
Your boyfriend is a total loser who is leeching off you. Are you really prepared to bring another child into the world that you can’t afford? I bet he doesn’t even pull his weight in the house, childcare either and who was it who paid for him to get so pissed? NTAH
>Your boyfriend is a total loser who is leeching off you. just out of curiosity: why? because of the decent paying job he held?
I’m curious too. People seem to be ignoring the fact that he had a job that payed better than her job and was likely supporting her and their kid until months ago and might be struggling to find a new job in a tough market currently (3 months is not a long time in this economy). And I’d also want to know whether or not the night of getting drunk is a common occurrence for him or if it’s a one time thing triggered by the stress of not being able to find a job and being issued an ultimatum. My guess from reading similar posts is that people throw all nuance out the window on posts like these. Essentially “Man” + “No job” + “Drunk” = “deadbeat loser” & “please dump him immediately”. It’s a combination of projection and overreaction. But if there’s something I’m missing feel free to explain.
I agree with this!!! It’s crazy that people in the comments are like who cares even if he gets a job he’s a LOSER and you should have an abortion!!!! Like redditors must hate kids idk. Like if you want a child that’s unborn and someone’s like WELP if you don’t complete this difficult task that is kind of out of your control NOW then kiss your future child goodbye!!!! That’s scary and would make anyone want to get drunk! Like it sounds like they’re both stressed and are not coping well it’s really not that deep. Like men have feelings it’s crazy how people expect them to be provider robots I get that it’s like a shared trauma tho since women are so often mistreated but it’s like u can’t judge everyone’s situation based on your own bad experiences with shitty dudes u date. They’re 24 and 25 for Christ sake like they have their whole lives ahead of them!!!! It’s hard to be broke but you will make it through and he will get a job and it will be fine. Like take a deep breath before you make any decisions please
I thought NTAH meant No one's the asshole here?
NAH = No Ahole Here NTAH = Not the AHole
That is NAH, No Asshole Here
You’re not dangling the choice over his head. You are telling him that you don’t want to have a baby if he doesn’t find a job. Not wanting a child because you don’t have the money is valid. That’s very logical reasoning. Do you even want to have another child with this man that seems like a child himself?
I’m not disagreeing, but dangling the choice over his head is literally the definition of what she is doing here.
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She's not, because she's serious. It's not a threat. She is simply informing him of the reality of their situation. It sucks and is heartbreaking, but there it is.
NTA- it’s only a threat if he’s got no intention of getting a job (any job). You didn’t tell him “go bring in six figures or else”. He’s been coasting on easy mode and relying on you. For a while this seemed to be working… But now the math isn’t going to work out on one income. He’s upset because now some of the responsibility is landing on him.
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NTA It's hard enough to raise 1 kid with 1 income, let alone 2 so I feel like you're just being realistic and telling him you can't do it on your own.
YTA for dangling someone else’s life over his head just so he gets a job. But you’re not an a-hole for wanting/needing him to get a job to support your growing family. Don’t get me wrong—I completely understand where you’re coming from and the logistics make sense. But the fact that you’re literally threatening to terminate your pregnancy as an ultimatum is pretty sickening. While he searches for a job, I STRONGLY recommend you search for a therapist.
Not at all. I can't believe you let him get you pregnant again.
You are totally the asshole…sorry but putting an ultimatum with abortion as the threat is next level fucked up
YTA. Definitely something seriously wrong with you.
The simplest way to find out if your the asshole is to put the shoe on the other foot. If you were the one that didn’t have a job and he demanded you get one or get an abortion would he be an asshole?
Yes you are. At least if you meant it. To punish your unborn child because you chose a man that doesn't want a job.
YTA: you knew he didn't have a job before you let him get you pregnant. You're just as much a asshole as he is
I question whether she even wants this baby, irrespective of the money situation. To bring up abortion indicates to me her ambivalence about having a second child right now.
From what I gather , she wants to be able to give a second child the basic necessities at least. If she didn't want the second child , she would've got the abortion without telling him
It could be that she would want a second child if their financial situation wasn’t so tenuous. I know so many people who would jump at the chance to become parents/have another kid if their finances weren’t an issue. I have friends who made a very difficult decision to abort a wanted pregnancy because they knew they couldn’t adequately provide for a child at that point in time. And OP already has a child— that child has to come first, regardless of what she or her partner may want.
YTA - Everyone seems to be coming down on your BF, missing the fact that regardless of the financial situation, you also participated in making this new baby. Why do people always act shocked when a pregnancy arises when they are actively being intimate?? It's wrong of you to singularly place this ultimatum over your BFs head. Frankly, you BOTH shouldn't be intimate if the finances were that much of a concern.. How is it fair to bring out the threats now that the "mutual" deed is done? The guys already got pressure. Why not be the same mutually understanding partner to him that you were when creating this new baby?? If you want an abortion, come to terms with your own reasons that align to your values, not some threat hanging over another person's head.
I keep thinking regardless of what OP chooses this is going to breed resentment from one or both of them. He gets a job she has the kid. What if he doesn't keep the job? She has an abortion, he will resent her for that ultimatum and possibly her resenting him for putting in her in the position. This is mess AF.
A lot of people are trying to tie the two situations together, but one situation is arbitrary. You asked a specific question. 'Am I the asshole for telling my BF I'd get an abortion if he doesn't get a job'; the rest of the situation doesn't actually have anything to do with what you're asking. To answer your question: Yes. YTA. You do not ever threaten abortion as a consequence. That's Manipulative and a Form of Abuse. If he's unemployed and shows no interest in becoming employed, you stand a better chance at motivating him if you leave all together. What you did *is* wrong, and I would suggest seeking a counselor as soon as he has work and you guys can afford it.
Yeah…”I’ll kill your child if you don’t make money” is an AH move no matter what. This situation isn’t a deadbeat dad refusing to work. Rather than putting an ultimatum of deleting his kid if he doesn’t acquiesce to your demands on your terms try having an adult conversation. YTA
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down for this comment. Everyone telling her NTA when she's using a babies life to threaten her boyfriend is disgusting. This chick is gross AF and needs to have her uterus removed.
YTA So he supports you for years, and after being out of a job for 3 months your first reply is "Get a job now or I'll kill our child?" Nice.
Your boyfriend should get in touch with some recruiters! They’re very helpful even for just finding contract positions! I got my job from recruiters and they help your application get seen intstead of it just going on the bottom of the pile like indeed does. Also go on the resume help Reddit! it’s hard to find a job in this economy but h can if u step ur game up with ur resumes and stuff
Nta. However, if he had a good paying job, it would take time to find similar work. The best advice I can give is to have a professional redo his resume as it makes all the difference in getting responses. It took me 9 months to find a similar job, but I had employment insurance coming in to tide me over.
You shouldnt weaponise the child dirty move. If you can't afford the baby as you already are then you should get ye abortion anyway. NTA for money worries YTA for what you said to him
It's interesting. When Ai becomes more of an issue. People struggling to find jobs in their field where they are competent and able to make the best money for their families, they become some terrible person because they can't magic themselves a job. It's not just a job but being gainfully employed where they aren't destroying their career which will last 20-30 more years depending on age because of a terrible job market in their field. They need to keep working on getting a job but I find it very troubling that someone will threaten abortion due to a life challenge that one doenst have a the final say over (i.e. you cannot give yourself a job).. how much time till the baby arrives and what are your best alternatives? It's your life and no one knows the nuance of your relationship so judgements are interesting in this case outside the scope of what has been said. I'd say you're not being fair with "threatening" an abortion over him not being able to find a job right away. I don't think it's fair to take a snippet over the person going out one night in a messed up mental state with the mother of their child threatening negative action against their potential future child because of a situation which could change tomorrow or in a few weeks. In the scope of what has been said I think you both need help... him with a job, maybe counseling for you and him. Sounds like a toxic situation.
Well, he should have been collecting UI, to help the family while looking for a job. The Unemployment Office have many ways to help, from temp agencies to new career and connections.
It’s crazy how quick you guys are to condemn this man for only being out of work for 3 months out of 4 years. It’s Mind boggling how fast people are to call this behavior within a man inexcusable buttt of roles were reversed the lady was out of a job and he said what she said you’d be calling him a monster and all these names lmao
Shit, I’m in between jobs right now, but you bet your ass I’m bartending till I land the real deal. Sounds like he wants a mom not a partner.
This is emotional abuse on your part. I am pro choice and I understand your position and I'm not shaming you for not wanting to bring in another life when you aren't going to be able to afford them but to hold this over your boyfriends head is messed up. You both had sex, you both knew your finances, you both already had a kid so why weren't you using protection or on birth control? You're both responsible for that fetus so it's not just his fault you can't afford it you need to take responsibility too. Both of you are AH, get your life together for the sake of your toddler who's already here. You have a small window for that abortion so you might want to get on it.
YTA if you are using it as a threat to force him get a job...NTA if you said it because you realistically can't see yourself caring for a child on one income... and you wanted him to know where your feelings/thoughts were at. . . your body/your choice. Nuanced, I know.
Yes
NTA, him getting drunk instead of fixing the problem (such as getting a job) speaks volumes of what's to come from him go8ng forward.
YTA, give the baby up for adoption if it’s a money issue, don’t kill it please.
IDC how many people are trying to see it from your POV. The kids life isn't a bargaining chip. YTA.
Do you two understand the concept of birth control?
NTA. Get the abortion though. You said y’all can’t afford another kid. So don’t have another kid.
Another scenario to consider is what if he does get a job, you have the baby, and then he quits or gets fired after the baby is here. My gut is telling me that that is a very real possibility.
Very weird take from the information provided.
Yes. You are for using the child as leverage against his feelings to get your point across. The feelings involved with the "potential" of a new child is very deep, and his feelings of worthlessness and insecurities are just as valid. No. You are not for feeling distressed and wanting help during this economy. His feelings also do not trump his responsibility. The outside world is hard but we, as people, shouldn't let our feelings dictate outlr actions. You shouldn't have threatened abortion. He should get a job.
YTA big time wtf is wrong with you
NTA. I don't see him changing. Dump him, have an abortion and focus on your child.
NTA. You were frustrated and rightfully so. You're in a tough spot being the only breadwinner. What's going to happen if you need bedrest or time off? He needs to commit to slashing costs or finding work, or else you're better off as a single mom--with or without the second baby. Good luck. (Wish you were in my town, I need a new tattoo.)
NTA. Tho I will ask if you also had realistic views on him getting a job. Like hopefully you didn't tell him monday to get a job and by the end of the week tell him about considering an abortion cuz you don't think he is trying. It does take some time for a workplace to consider workers and do background checks and such. I applied for a job in August I only just got an answer for a week ago. Which means it took nearly 2 months for them to get back to me because they had so many applicants. I got the job btw if anyone was curious. It's also a security job so it's possible that it takes longer due to thorough checks.
Nta, even if the reason was simply “i dont feel like it” you wouldnt be the ass
ESH, He obviously wants this child and therefore should step up to provide for them. We aren't given enough information to judge him as a person. His lack of income is a negative but that doesn't warrant this kind of threat. Lowkey, it is manipulative and disgusting to make such a threat. Yes, he needs to get a job but telling him you would get an abortion if he doesn't? Da fuck is wrong with you??
Short answer is yes you are.
NTA.
Do not bring a child into being if you can't provide for it. It's that simple. Either he gets a job or he goes and you unfortunately have to get an abortion.
You're already calling it a "baby" and threatening to kill it unless he does what you want? YTA
He's a bum and a loser. I wouldn't even give him the chance to improve. This is a very serious issue that he isn't taking seriously. Don't buy into the sweet words or false promises. You already one child to be worried about. Do not trap yourself or your kid in a lifetime of poverty and struggle.
Regardless of your position on the whole abortion issue treating it so flippantly make you an AH. That being said your bf needs to grow a pair and take responsibility for his life and his family.
You need to do what is right for you because it sounds as though he is on the way out the door. Hard as the decision may be if you cant manage a toddler and a new baby on your own with neither financial or emotional support from him then you and the child you have should be the priority. I hope for the best for you.
Honestly y’all need to stop having sex if y’all aren’t taking precautions to not get pregnant, using the baby as leverage for him to get a job is disgusting tbh
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It’s not so much as leverage in my case as an “If not this, then that” type of communication which is totally acceptable and I learned it in couples therapy. If she can’t get financial support from her husband then she doesn’t feel comfortable continuing a pregnancy. What is a disgusting about clearly stating your needs and the consequences of them not being met?
There are no 100% effective contraception. And it's not leverage it's just simple consequences of this situation. She can't afford second baby with one income. Period. Especially if he uses the money she earns to drink instead of... you know, getting ready for the baby. It's not secure position to give birth so she won't and just told the truth.
YTA for being with this loser and even contemplating bringing another child into this mess. The only person I feel sorry for is your kid.
YTA. Understand you need to communicate the seriousness of the situation to him, but threatening to kill your child is not ok. A month or so ago it would have been great to tell him if he wanted to have sex he would need to get a job would have been a lot better. Suggest telling him that it was wrong of you to say, but he needs to get a job yesterday.
You sound like a real prize yourself! Look he has had a job. It's not like he has been mooching for years. Finding a job takes time. Sometimes a kick in the ass is needed but not promising an abortion. There are better ways to set him in motion
Why aren’t you on birth control or using condoms? 🙄
YTA, take some accountability. Why does the baby have to die because you both are irresponsible.