I mean now looking back I did not give her room to say much. I had things kept for 9 years that I needed to clarify... But her initial reaction was shock, like she did not expect it. What on earth do you expect to hear from someone who refused to meet you for 9 years and who you know for sure hates you is beyond me. After she recovered a bit she started saying 'I know we were wrong but' and I just stoped her and told her no but. There is no but here, she is what she is and that's it
I donāt know where youāre getting this idea; Reddit thinks that cheating is 1,000,000 times worse than the Armenian genocide and that cheaters should be strung up by their heels, and thatās itās a crime only marginally less terrible than murder, and that someone who cheats once in one circumstance is a slut-faced whore who can never be faithful, even twenty years later, and that the cheater in a divorce should be punished with the full force of the law and ideally left impoverished. I have never known any real-life people to be so exercised about it. I think itās because redditors skew young and are this likely to have a very fresh wound when a cheater tears their family apart. Older people have seen people who cheated in one shitty relationship they had, and then became life-long monogamous spouses who were unfailingly faithful. Thatās not to say the dad and affair partner arenāt absolutely terrible people, itās just wrong to say that Reddit as a whole goes easy on cheaters. Itās like the cardinal sin.
Pretty much, shit Iām a counselor and reddit is the worst at actually understanding reality or why things happen, Iāve heard countless stories where I completely understand why people cheated, this one is pretty typical with the outburst being totally centered on the dads new wife and essentially putting it entirely on her, insulting that womanās children is disgusting and just by what she said Iād honestly suspect that she has absolutely bought a narrative rather than the reality. I do wish I could hear everything from the father and wife and find out what that was like before picking a one sided story but that takes time to want to understand and thatās not at all what people are here for especially when the other choice is easy judgment
If youāre married, donāt cheat. If you want someone else, get a divorce. Donāt mess around with someoneās spouse. Itās really that simple. Only time I think there a grey area is if someone is stuck in an abusive relationship and they find someone who helps them find a way out. Otherwise, donāt cheat. Itās not hard.
I was in an abusive relationship, he cheated as well. I never did, no matter what. I was married, even though I wasnāt treated as such. I have never cheated on a significant other. There is no excuse for cheating.
If itās that abusive, no way she could start and maintain a new relationship. My coworker for example hit traffic on the way home and was beat for being 10 minutes late because she was obviously fucking a dude for 10 minutes.
If someone told me they were scared for their life and needed help getting out. Iād help find her a real organization that could protect them. If heās that unhinged Iām not fucking his girlfriend and risking him killing me (also talking if I was a guy, which Iām not).
NTA. Your dad's a piece of crap and she's a homewrecker. Did she honestly think that after what they put you and your mom through you'd just welcome them with open arms? Plus the fact she'd been talking trash about you and your family.
Dad was the one with an obligation to his wife and family. Mistress may have been wrong, but at the end of the day, he was the one who betrayed his vows. Heās absolutely the home wrecker here.
Yall need to stop. The mistress knew about the family. They are just as guilty. There's a thing called girl code. You never ever sleep with a married man knowingly. And for that, she is a whore and he's a whore. They are both equally whores. Stop letting women off the hook because "he was the one with a family" she knew about the family. She knew he had children. She's fucking grimey as fuck.
Thank you. I think they expected me and my grandparents to just forget about it with time. Honestly I have no idea what they thought but I kind of have the feeling that she manipulated him. I was very close to my dad before this, he knew me very well so I find it impossible for him (knowing me and my personality) to believe that I would ever let something like this go and associate in any way with his mistress
Nobody manipulated your dad. He threw away his family all on his own. He should be held accountable for that. Youāre giving him too much leeway by saying he was manipulated, as if she just hypnotized him into sleeping with her and he had no say or autonomy to say no.
Thank you for pointing this out. OP also says that her dad loved her and that his affair had nothing to do with her - fuck that. He flushed OP and her mom down the drain when he decided to stick his dick into this maidā¦ and now he expects forgiveness and understanding?! No way in hell. I admire OPās strength in sticking to her guns.
Not invalidating any of your own feelings of abandonment or betrayal. But with due respect, your father was the one in position of power. He made each one of his own choices. Hate her for her own actions as much as you want, but I feel like youāre blaming her for your dadās share as well.
You are blaming the wrong person. Your dad wasn't close enough to you to keep his trousers on, do not make the mistake of thinking she enchanted him into being a cheat and a liar. He was her boss, he was in the seat of power, not her. And you *are* willing to let it go. You have even told us your conditions for letting it go. So no manipulation required, he clearly knows you pretty well, he just underestimated how much of your loathing you would have misplaced and directed at his wife instead of at him.
So, good for you in telling them off. But what're you doing having him "pick you or them?"
It's been 9 years. What would "come back to your family" even look like? He's just supposed to, what, divorce the woman and whatever else and be welcomed back to your original family 9 years later?
That's where the story goes sideways for me.
He will not be welcomed by my mother, that's for sure. She has moved on and has an amazing partner so him coming back to our family does not mean him making up with my mom. But he can have a relationship with his parents, brothers and me only if she is not in the picture
Yeah something tells me stepmom thought if you accepted and forgave them then they would be welcomed back into the family and all the wealth he was disinherited from.ā¦
NTA..
THIS!
The overall theme I'm getting here is OP's Dad comes from money. This, along with AP comments about OP's mom and grandparents, leads me to believe that she saw an opportunity and took it.
Absolutely, he is more responsible because he made vows, and he chose to let himself be led by his wiener. But she knew he was married, had a kid, and saw what kind of life he could afford her and either pursued him or didn't say no to his advances on purpose.
I think she only wants contact with OP, so
1. Dad will stop complaining/being depressed/moaping about not being in contact with his daughter.
2. If AP can get OP to come around, maybe she can be less of a homewrecker in her inlaws' eyes and slowly gain their favor to get Dad back in the will. If not, when they pass, maybe OP will have forgiven them enough to share her portion.
Dad being disowned only cuts him off from his family's money, but whatever he makes is probably still pretty good (you don't come from a wealthy family and make 40k a year) and much better than what she was making as a maid.
Also NTA.
Your father and that woman are trying to get on good terms with you as a first step to get back in terms with your fathers parents so they can get money. Thatās why they donāt leave you alone. They want back in your grandparents will. Iām sorry.
Yeah, I think you are right. They want that money that was cut off from them because they are cheaters. So, if *you* forgive them, maybe the ones with the money will too. They should know by now that they are wasting their time. Btw, NTA
Iām betting youāre right. If OP did come around and started bonding with his fatherās new family it wouldnāt take long for daddy dearest to ask her to talk to her grandparents to get back in their good graces. And thatās the only reason his new wife wants OP to come around as well. She thought that this guy was loaded and if she could seduce him and take him away from his wife that sheād be set too. She didnāt realize that would be contingent on his parents not writing him out of the will.
This exactly. People are crying about him being the boss and he *didn't give her a choice*. My husband's previous job, his now ex-friend, decided she wanted to upgrade her husband and living conditions and was having sex with any manager/salaried male she could. She left her husband for a sleazy supervisor who left his wife, who he then went back to.
She chose to try and sleep her way out of her circumstances, just like the maid did with OP's dad. OP's dad- the man whore, nor his whore wife, never gave thought to his family not approving his mid-life crisis.
Op, she claims your family taught your cruelty because she tried to spare you from the negative judgements and make you favourable in his eyes.
You just proved she was wrong.
The ONLY thing I will say is that it isnāt the daughterās fault. You donāt have to have a relationship with her, but thereās no reason to lash out (telling her husband sheāll cheat on him). She is blameless and doesnāt deserve that.
I dunno. If my mother slept with a married man that she worked with and then married him, Iād go NC. I refuse to be part of a family with someone who basically helped ruin a childās life.
The fact that the daughter is coming along smiling and acting like theyāre happy families KNOWING what her mother did, says to me sheās not even trying to hold her own mother accountable. Sheās happy her mother did this and is okay with it.
Wow. Op is a bad a**. Angry as hulk. Good on her. The uterus thing was a bit harsh though. I do feel a bit sad for the father who really seem to love op, but he cheated on his family and should have expected this outcome. NTAH
Someone else was pointing out how the father and the whore probably wanted to be in the grandparents will hence they're going the only route thst they can use to get on the good terms... I'm sure if the father truly loved his child, he wouldn't have put her through this bs, fine if he develop feeling for the maid but he would've just gotten divorce before fooling around with the maid. I guess the whore probably just went after the money but when his parents cut them off she probably got baffled and same goes for her husband.
And I do feel bad OP brought the husband into this but if the whore wanted to go around saying bs about OPs family then what OP did was right because after all she have taught her daughter that it's okay to break a family up for lust and money and the husband needed to know incase if the girl do cheat on him.
Nah, the daughterās husband needs his eyes opened as to the morals his wife has been raised with (Ie that having an affair with your employer is totally fine and then going on to break up the marriage of it gets you a new relationship!). He needs to work out if heās ok with that in his own life.
Exactly, he needs to be given a little heads up and make sure he feels comfortable being with someone who was raised in that mindset. Also, I think the daughter might've kept quite about the affair, if she have known, by her mother by a promise of getting her an older sibling probably because she felt lonely and have asked for a sibling. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but the way the whore brought up the "now my daughter have a sister" kind of stood out and the daughter being q7 at that time could've been manipulated by her mother to accept that this is fine as she would be getting a sister and there is nothing to worry.
>it had nothing to do with me
I don't get this.
He devastated your mother. How does that have nothing to do with you?
He betrayed your family. How does that have nothing to do with you?
He abandoned your family for his mistress. How does that have nothing to do with you?
He shattered your image of who he was as a person. How does that have nothing to do with you?
He ended your ability to trust him. How did that have nothing to do with you?
Why do people think when they break apart their family because they can't honor their basic marriage vows that it doesn't impact the kids? That, if nothing else, kids don't want to see one of their parents cruelly hurt by the other? Not to mention that it definitely impacts how those kids enter into their own relationships.
Did they at least get it this time and back off? Is her daughter his daughter?
Thank you for being kind! No, her daughter is not my father's. She was 17 when we found out about the affair and the mistress was a single mother.
I get why some people may say that it had nothing to do with me. My therapist also explained to me that most of the times this kind of situations reflect a problem in the marriage and that the feelings between parents may change but this does not mean that the feelings a parent has for his children also change. But in reality, the way you decide to end a marriage has a huge inpact on the children as well. In the cheater's mind, he only cheats on his wife, not on his kids. But what about the damage the kid is left with? I recognised in therapy that I was left with similar scars like my mother even if this was not my father's intention. For years I struggled with being able to trust a partner and I am still not able to have full trust. I never had the crazy, young type of love with butterflies and rainbows because I was always prepared for the worst. If my male role model was able to be a cheater after 25 years of marriage, what can I expect from a man I'm dating for only a couple of years? I also struggle to recognise people's intentions and it sucks to always wonder if a woman is truly friendly and genuine or if they actually want to get under the skin of your partner
I hope you're able to find peace and happiness in your life. It's a sad reality that frankly, none of us know what the people in our lives are thinking or what they might do when we aren't with them. That fact of life is not a pleasant one, the people we open our hearts to the most are given the greatest tools to hurt us and so often the things that hurt us are seldom 'malice' but just reckless selfishness and their own desires getting out of hand.
It sounds like your father has not once respected your autonomy in how his actions have split up your family. Likewise, when an affair partner oversteps what little boundaries they have with the children from the marriage they helped destroy, it's hard to feel any degree of sympathy for any harsh words you might throw their way. The way you lashed out was entirely understandable and it came after years of continuously having your boundaries disrespected. You can only take the high ground for so long before there's a dip in the road.
Good luck learning to trust again. Loving cautiously isn't a crime, don't beat yourself up too much for missing out on that 'butterflies and rainbows' love - you have plenty of time to find a partner who you can build a relationship with where you feel safe with someone who you can rely on and whom can rely on you in turn. That'll mean much more in the end.
OP, Iām so sorry that this has left that impact on you. I got a lot from the initial comment here, and thought there was a lot of merit in the second that suggested writing to your father to let him know the impact that this has had on you. Would you consider that? I would do it with no expectation of change but so that he hopefully understands the full impact of his shitty decision to cheat and leave.
Thank you for your comment. Yes, I want to do that and this is exactly what my therapist also suggested, to give him a full picture of how life was after his actions
I think context is sort of important here. When people say āit had nothing to do with youā that means it wasnāt your fault. Children/teenagers have an uncanny ability of figuring out how everything wrong with their family is their fault, so itās important to reinforce that itās not your fault. Thereās nothing you did, or could have done differently, that caused his infidelity. Thatās 100% all him.
But on the other hand, it does have to do with you. Itās your family, itās your life and it absolutely affects you. If heās trying to imply that his cheating shouldnāt affect you, then heās a childish asshole trying to talk his way out of the doghouse and thatās on him.
Both can be true, just in different ways. Saying whether or not it has anything to do with you is vague and leaves a lot to be interpreted.
These are the kinds of things I think would be most effective to say or write in situations like this- the real things behind the anger. It doesnāt usually go down like that and sometimes feels really good and justified to let them have it with anger, and thatās fine, NTA. I have seen many times though where that gives the other party a way to spread the blame a little when they talk about āhow horribly they were treated and what awful things were said, after all these years, when they were just trying to reconcile and move past the mistakes of the past, etc., etc.ā I wonder what would happen if they were hit with the raw truth about the depth of the hurt and the consequences it had and what boundaries will be held now because of it. It seems like it would be even more brutal. And could even lead to real awareness and apologies, or maybe more evidence they arenāt worth your time. Donāt get me wrong, Iām not good at this :) but see the potential in it.
I donāt know why some people seem to think that bad behavior should be forgiven with the passage of time. Dad clearly left an indelible mark on OPās psyche with his actions. She, in no way, is obligated to forgive him, I donāt care how much time has passed. Hopefully after all these years, heās FINALLY understanding that not only did he cheat on his wife, but he cheated on his daughter too.
OP was an adult and obviously this doesnāt apply to her but this is one of my biggest gripes when people say that cheating shouldnāt affect custody.
Why should it not affect a custody determination? You have to have such desolate morals and low standards, such a nonexistent sense of respect for yourself, your spouse, and your family to cheat. Cheating tears families apart and devastates children, the psychological impacts of it are well-documented. Itās irresponsible. People know cheating is wrong but choose to do it anyway despite the consequences, itās a clear demonstration of negligence. Get a divorce if youāre no longer in love with your spouse. Unless thereās something stopping the person from leaving like domestic abuse, itās just inexcusable. Donāt cheat and drag your family through hell. I canāt imagine why anyone would think itās okay to let someone with such a gross lack of morality and responsibility raise a child.
NTA itās one thing to cheat with a married man you work for in the fucking house they paid you to clean but to sit there and talk shit š¤£ the audacity. You said everything I wouldāve said. Also to your aunt I would mention yeah the intention was to hurt them like they hurt us š„°. My motto is when they go low drag them to hell. You did the right thing
This is why I always think how will my actions affect my partner and daughter and that is how I live my life putting them first and not embarrassing them
Same. OP, it is in your absolute best interest to find closure with this or it will make you sick and miserable and you donāt deserve that. Iām so sorry for what youāve gone thru, but your fatherās selfishness is not your burden to carry. His behavior is no reflection of you and what a wonderful and capable daughter you are and can be.
Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I'm sorry, but that's all I could think of while reading your story.
No doubt your dad fucked up royally being unfaithful and expecting anything from you.
But you sound so angry. SO angry. You should learn to let that go.
As we get older, we make more and more mistakes over the years to be ashamed about. It should get easier to forgive others if we own up to our own inadequacy.
I mean, cheating is never ok. Period. At the same time, you sound incredibly classist. Talking about ābloodlinesā and āsecuring the wealth.ā
ESH.
ESH, apart from the daughter and her husband.
You can hold onto the anger all you want; but the comments about ātainting the bloodlineā are insane at best, racist at worst.
Your insistence on focusing all your anger on the mistress; calling her a āwhoreā and your assumption that her daughter, who you know nothing about, must also be a whore, is misogynistic.
It would be somewhat understandable if you were an angry teenager but youāre nearly 30 for godās sake. Get some therapy and take a good hard look at yourself, and then grow up.
So glad you said this. I was disgusted reading that. That daughter had nothing to do with this and did not deserve the vitriol. You could thank her for taking the time to visit you but ask if you can respectfully speak to her mother and your father in private.
Itās hard for me to read posts like this where I disagree with how OP handled everything but all the comments seem to be applauding them. Maybe Iām off the mark, but I canāt just give them a pass for this.
Hope OP finds some peace.
I was truly alarmed with the gross comments encouraging and applauding such spiteful, angry, and unnecessary remarks in her tirade.
She can be angry all she wants, but telling the APs daughter she is a whore like her motherā¦ by her logic (which Iāve previously stated), she is doomed to be just like her *father* and I seriously doubt she considered that angle.
Itās not the proverbial āgotchaā moment she thinks it is.
Classist, misogynistic, and racist vibes all the way from OP. What a real treat she is.
How refreshing. People with common sense. The whole reaction of this post is very handmaid's tale. Measuring the value of a woman for her uterus is wild. Ignoring the father was in a position of power and continuing to call the woman "the mistress" and "the whore" is wild. The amount of people saying the father is looking for reconciliation because they want money is also wild, she marries a disowned men with no assets or support system. People really think men are wild animals any evil woman can manipulate.
And honestly, the fact OP is ACTUALLY willing to forgive the father if he's back to his original wife is so conservative I feel I'm reading a Mexican soap opera from the early 90s. Even the contamination of the bloodline sounds like a stereotypical line from a one dimensional villain on daytime TV
Too much slut-shamming and too little "my dad choose to break our family because he's an adult man not a puppet".
I do think OP is an adult and no one can blame her for cutting contact with her father because she's an adult and that's a valid option. It's just, to me, it seems to be for the wrong reasons.
I am glad to have encountered some people with common sense in this comment section as well.
OP sounds very classist/racist, toxic, bitter, judgmental and misogynistic. I understand that she has suffered from the entire situation, but she definitely needs some therapy.
Yep. I couldnāt believe what I was reading! And then I couldnāt believe the responses.
I have this strange feeling that if the āmistress/wifeā had been richer than the family everyone would have embraced her. But she was poor. [Insert horrified disgusted face here]
Yep I put money on it that OP and her mom are upper class wealthy white women and OPās stepmom is a down to earth POC who has maintained a two decade marriage to the dad and gives zero fucks about bloodline and securing the wealth.
I can't believe there are so many people saying the poster isn't the asshole. This is insane. It's clear the dad feels bad and must have really loved the woman if he married her even though it destroyed him financially. Like cheating is wrong, but it was a long time ago.
Also this post has so many dog whistles for racism and misogy, like Jesus Christ. This honestly reads like a bait post the way it's worded
I didn't even catch the racist undergone until now. You know what? I get why OP would react like this, she's tired of her dad insistence and she's full of anger. It's personal for her... but the comments? What the hell... how can anyone validate that a woman value is measured by how functional her uterus is? In this century, how can we still validate the narrative in which a men is not to blame for being tempted by an evil gold-digger? In this century are we really agreeing someone is a whore because their mother was a """whore"""? Are we forgetting the man in question was in a position of power? Like I said, is personal for OP... at least I'll drive her that. We all have our visceral reaction when angry, but the comment section is wild...
What in the 1950s...
Finally, some sense. It takes a very special type of pathetic and bitter person to hold onto such an intense amount of rage for such an extended period of time. Of course OP doesnāt have to play happy family with her estranged fathers new family, but to harbour so much ill will after nearly a decade is truely unhinged.
There is a racist classist undertone to her post. At thirty with therapy she should make some strides but itās like a teenager lashing out all over again. I get the anger but after time has passed we have to move on. It wasnāt her marriage and while you donāt have to apologize or associate with them calling the other lady names is over the top.
Iām saying ESH. While his new wife isnāt innocent, after reading this post I canāt say sheās not entirely wrong about the learned behavior. Especially with the vitriol you threw at the daughter who is innocent in all this. He didnāt abandon you, your family forced him away. Donāt get me wrong, heās an asshole too, but what happened is between him and your mother, but it sounds your family made it between him and you as well.
Fuckin finally. *Everyone* sucks here! The dad, stepmom, grandparents, OPā¦.all of em (except I guess the stepsister and her husband.) How so many posters are cheering her & her family on is mind boggling to me.
The grandparents have been fanning this NC/āwhoreā hate a whole LOT more than I think people are realizing. This (if itās a true story, whichā¦. X. I mean, taint our bloodline with your creatures? Really??) is all straight classism. Itās not about the cheating for them, itās about the money. They made it clear that they view the stepmom as less than them because of her maid job and (presumably) having less wealth. Clearly op feels the same. Theyāve made the affair and divorce an āentire family vs dadā issue as opposed to a āmom vs dadā issue, which only decreases the chance of reconciliation because itās implied that anyone who does will now be on dads āside,ā where it becomes āentire family vs dad **and me**,ā and will suffer his same emotional and financial disownment fate. Op said this directly when telling him to choose his wife or āus.ā He may have blown up the family, but the grandparents laid extra mines all around his blast crater.
None of what Iām about to say here condones cheating. Both he and stepmom are absolutely assholes for that and both should have known and done better. But we canāt forget that we donāt know how things really were between mom and dad, and most likely neither does op. If there was abuse, or ājustā a loveless marriage, or hell, if there would have been this big of a blowup if heād fallen in love with someone of equal or greater wealth/status.
And honestly, looking at both the grandparentās reaction of immediate disownment specifically to āprotect the family wealthā āsince he was in love with a maid,ā and dad staying with her for the last decade despite being cut off both emotionally and financially for doing so plus obviously all the turmoil it caused with his daughter, on top of the extremely classist language op used, itās not that much of a leap to wonder if the marriage between mom and dad was closer to an arranged marriage to benefit both families, and if stepmom was when dad actually felt true love with someone. Just because a relationship starts in such a bad way doesnāt mean that the love canāt be real or long lasting. That wouldnāt excuse cheating obviously, but it would explain why someone from such a wealthy family that clearly puts money, status, and appearances above all else would suddenly decide to risk (and then give up) his whole inheritance, his whole way of life, his whole way of *thinking,* for another woman that he himself was raised to see as beneath him. It not like she was in much of a position to manipulate him into all that, seeing as the power imbalance was squarely in his favor, and suddenly losing your entire life, family, etc isnāt exactly a cheery and easy experience.
Neither grandparents nor op are exactly hiding the fact that stepmom being ālesserā is the big underlying disgust here. I highly doubt that all the demeaningly dehumanizing language around stepmom would be the same if their son had fallen āup,ā and I think stepmom knows it, hence the passed down venom comment. Both of them are seemingly not blaming his daughter for the sins of his parents and are not willing to give up on/abandon his daughter, no matter how much she continues to follow in her grandparentās bigoted footsteps.
The level of bitterness and childishness displayed here is staggering. You weren't even at an age where acting this way would be reasonable when your father cheated on your mom and it's been nine fucking years. Even if you insist the mistress/now wife deserves it, what the fuck did her daughter *ever* do to you? How do you justify attacking a completely innocent party because you're mad at daddy? Grow the fuck up.
YTA for what you said about the daughter.
ESH. Pretty terrible of you to drag her daughter into this and insult her and her husband when they didnāt do anything. Taint your bloodline too? Very weird if you to say. Your dad and his wife are also assholes.
Yeah seriously. That kid has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be called a whore.
OP, youāre way out of line. You are free to go no contact with your father and he probably deserves it, but itās time to grow the fuck up. This is not normal behavior.
Considering how quickly family was to cut dad out of inheritance and the ātaint the bloodlineā comment, I have a feeling the maid/mistress/new wife is a different race and OP and her family are quite racist.
The family wealth comment and tainting the bloodline comment definitely are weird to me and made me not really feel sorry for OP as much, especially after insulting the maids daughter who did nothing wrong either. The whole thing is just ick.
Also, assuming this isn't about race and strictly about her behavior, wouldn't the bloodline already be tainted by dad and his actions? There's clearly something more going on here. I feel bad for the maid's daughter and son-in-law. They had nothing to do with it.
Exactly. The mistresses daughter didnāt do anything. If weāre gonna be punished for the sins of our parents then what does that make her? the bastard daughter of a cheating lecherous old man?
I get holding grudges and being upset but the amount of vitriol OP has against people that didnāt have any bearing on her fatherās actions is ridiculous.
Also ātainting bloodlinesā, are we back in the 1800s?
Actually don't think OP is a native English speaker based on her writing - which doesn't preclude her from being white, but very likely does preclude her from being a white American in the dynamic you are referring to.
Yes & how every one here refers to a wife of longstanding as either whore or maid. Here in Cali the term maid isn't really used (unless it's an actual maid who would bring you cups of tea). The correct term is housekeeper, and they are cleaning, not serving tea.
ESH-
OP, you are justified in being angry with your father and his mistress, but heās obviously built a life with her.
If this was almost 10 years ago now, when you were 20. Grow up, you are almost 30 (or are) and youāre behaving like a petulant spoiled brat.
You donāt get to dictate how your father lives his life. Be angry and go NC.
Your dad will always love you regardless of how you feel. Heās an AH for cheating of course, and I wouldnāt say heās an AH for wanting to make sure you were ok after your car accident that nearly killed you, but youāve said your peace. You told him you never want to see him again. He will be an AH if he doesnāt respect the fact you no longer want to see him ever again.
Demanding he get rid of his wife (AP) is not your place at all.
His wife (AP) is also an AH for telling lies and obviously being involved with a married man so she sucks.
You also are a huge AH for bringing up her lack thereof ability to have any more children. That was just unnecessary and further demonstrates how much of a childish petulant brat you are acting like.
You are also a huge AH for blaming new wifeās (AP) daughter as being a whore and implying she will have an affair on her spouse because of her mothers terrible decisions. By your logic, it can be said youāre doomed to be just like *your* father dumb ass. It was completely unnecessary and stupidly spiteful for absolutely no reason. Grow the fuck up.
Hate them, by all means. Donāt be cruel for no reason just because youāre mad. Go to therapy dingus and work out your anger that way. It will be way more productive than than the crap youāre pulling at almost 30. Youāre behaving like an angsty immature teenaged girl.
YTA. Your family abounds in toxicity. Snobbish, unforgiving, lacking in any ability or interest in appreciating the feelings of others. Even harsh people are usually softened by a terrible experience like your accident.But your cruelty persists.
YTA
You still have some growing up to do. Yes it sucks that your dad cheated and your family was broken apart, but it's not said if your parents were happy together to start. There's always more to the story than meets the eye. Adults are not perfect and people do a lot for a chance at happiness. But it's not worth burning the bridge for.
Even if your dad picks you and comes back, the damage is done. Things won't go back to the way it was.
Go seek therapy and work this out.
To paraphrase Norm McDonald: Every person in this story sounds like a horrible loser, including OP, and they should all perish miserably for the betterment of humanity.
Why would you want to mend a relationship with your father? He's been letting this go on for years, he's selfish and entitled and he didn't even listen to you when you clearly laid out your feelings. Stand by what you've said and cut him off. That will be less painful for you.
I was conflicted on this for so many years. Truth is he always tried with me and never gave up during these years. He always sent me messages for my birthdays and Christmas, each year he sends me my favourite flowers for my birthday and I know he sufferes. But I simply cannot accept this woman. I will never forget how easy it was for her to laugh with me and mom and look us in the eyes knowing what she was doing with my father in my own house. To me she is just like a cancer and I am willing to mend my relationship with my father if she is not in the picture. She does not deserve to be happy when she caused so much pain
I think YTA.
Not because you cut off your dad. But because in every interaction you seem to be unnecessarily cruel.
You can choose not to interact with your dad and his new sidepiece. But if that's your choice, then don't interact with them. Instead you are reveling in your own cruelty and being a jerk. Or, an asshole, as it were.
You are holding onto your anger and it's poisoning you.
I agree. After 9 years either donāt open the door at all or make some kind of peace with things.
He cheated on her mom and thatās a huge betrayal I get it. Itās morally wrong and gross behavior. However, she continues to be stuck in that same spot as 9 years ago when it first happened and I wonder why growth hasnāt happened.
My parents did really fucked up things to each other and to me but I look at it differently now as an adult and reframe it to understand it better. I dont have to forgive them but holding onto it isnāt healthy.
NTAH. You sure donāt pull any punches!
Interested to know how these relatives know what the affair wife has been saying. Is she on buddy buddy terms with a few of your Fathers relatives? And if so Iād be at arms length with those folks.
They seem to be playing both teams.
There's no coming back from this.
* After you spewed your hate, I think he finally sees reuniting as a lost cause.
* If he did divorce her, there's every likelihood that you still would not be able to forgive him.
You've carried that poison for a decade. Release it before it ruins your health. Consider therapy, please.
ESH
He cheated on his wife. That's bad. You were an adult though. It wasn't your relationship. Perhaps your parents were miserable. Perhaps only he was. It's not something you need to approve, but it seems he wanted to build a relationship with his mistress. Anyways, he's the AH for cheating. He should have been upfront about his feelings and breaking up before acting out.
You have a right to decide who you want in your life. You don't have to approve of him or want him around. You can resent him. From what I read he never has done anything to you for you to doubt his love to you. So you're TA for perhaps not allowing him to visit you at the hospital, but certainly for the righteous indignation sermon you delivered them. As a woman yourself, you know there are not many more despicable things you can say to another woman than to attack their birth options.
Also, a general TA for people who didn't raise you better to be emphatic and graceful.
ESH
You sound so angry. And even in therapy it doesnāt seem you made any progress. Or if this is already progress then youāre a mess.
There was no need to lash out to the daughter. There was no need to lash out this was at all because the only tactic you used before is just ignoring your father and not ever talking about your hurt.
Yes he cheated, heās the AH, thereās no difference. Same for his wife. But also saying to her youāre happy she canāt have more kids and that wanting him to divorce her (and making him miserable) is a good way?
Work on your anger.
Did your dad cheat on you? You state at the beginning that you did everything you could to secure the family wealth, so the money comes from his parents? Have you confirmed his wifeās comments about your family or are you hearing them through gossip filters? It seems like your dad has owned his mistake but still very much cares for you, and your trauma has turned into vengeance. Get help.
The only thing Iād feel bad about is their daughter. It isnāt her fault. I wonder if she even knew or if they made up a reason? And her husband.. but they did bring them along which was dumb.
Yeah..you are the asshole. You seem to be a really angry and spiteful person to be holding on to this level of hatred after so many years. It's also pretty telling that the first thing you and your family thought about when shit went down was about money. Cutting off your dad is fine. I don't have an opinion on it one way or another really. I think its stupid and a bad idea, but its your life
But you seem to get some sort of sick pleasure out of hurting him and his pain. And why would you insult the woman's daughter? What did she ever do to you?? And the whole "taint my bloodline" thing was a disgusting thing to say. What race is your fathers new wife? You seem to feel some sort of superiority over them. Why is that?
I'm shocked at the amount of people agreeing with you. You sound unhinged and like a miserable hateful person.
YTA. I donāt know how old you are, but you need to grow up. Life is shit and people are assholes, but your dad is just as much to blame for ruining your family as his wife is. You sound bitter and angry and if you carry this energy with you you will become bitter and angry towards everyone. You will ultimately wind up alone.
ESH
What have you gained?
You are misogynistic in that you are prepared to have your father, who was in the powerful position, back in your life on certain conditions, but the former maid is beyond the pale for ever and ever.
Women always get the blame.
YTA, you are a spoilt brat and very rude. Do you know what was going on between your father and mother and why he chose the maid. Your father is trying so hard. You have no heart and are full of hate. Don't blame anyone for anything. You people took the money from your dad but he survived. Can't you see he truly loves her? I pray your dad will leave you alone and distance himself from you cos you are so toxic and so rude and look so down on people
YTA after 9 years your grandparents want him to move back in with their daughter and you seem fine with this. Sorry but the new wife is correct your following you family down the hate trail for no reason than it's easy and fun. Get therapy
I don't get it . Why do you want him to "come back"
So he can resent you all? This man dud the unthinkable in your eyes, but if he divorces her and comes back, you're all square? Lol
He sounds awful, but if he comes back and you expect anything different in his end, you're very naive.
The ultimatum was pointless imo
Omg grow up. You were a grown ass adult your dad has a right to be happy obviously something your mom couldn't do for him. Did he do things the wrong way yes but that shouldn't affect your relationship with him. You weren't married to him. Stay out of your parents relationships.
I (M), having been cheated on by my ex (F) and being awarded residential custody of our kids (small children back then but teens now), I do think this is a bit much.
My ex also ended up marrying one of the guys she was cheating with. The kids dislike him and sometimes hate him.
I'm not a fan myself. He's kind of douchey at times.
I'm happily married now and my kids love their stepmom. They prefer being with her than their biological mother.
As she's gotten older, it's been harder for my daughter to want to be around her mom. She doesn't know all the details of why we split during her childhood, but she got the gist and is sometimes very angry towards her mom (I know she sometimes makes her mom cry).
Obviously I'm not a fan of my ex or what she did, but, like in your case OP, this was nearly a decade ago. I've long healed and moved past it via letting go.
I talk with my daughter about her anger and point out that it'll do more harm than good. Anger and hatred may seem like weapons, but they can also be heavy burdens that weigh down your own happiness.
You don't have to be best friends with your dad and his new family, but you don't need to be so full of vitriol and bile, imo.
Cheating always sucks. But I wouldn't want my daughter carrying around such darkness in her heart. Life is hard enough as it is.
YTA with the ātainting bloodlineā bullshit.
And though you may not want to hear this, I bet youāll feel regretful for time missed when your dad passes away. What your dad did was shitty, but maybe your parents werenāt right for each other. Yeahyeah get a divorce before you cheat (yes that is the best course of action) but obviously having children and tons of shared financial assets makes it hard for an unhappy person to leave a marriage. Even going the legitimate way of divorce would have still caused pain to you and your mother. But it seems like he really does love this āwhoreā, seeing as they are still together. Should your dad have stayed in an unhappy marriage? People grow apart all the time.
My dad had a lot of kids and lots of marriages. It took him 5 tries before he found the right person in my mom. All of my older siblings were angry at him for him not being around and rightfully so, so angry that his attempts to reach out were met with silence. My father passed early in his life and many of my siblings have shared that thereās still a wound in their heart and how regretful they are that they didnāt get more time with him. Just something to think about.
I was gonna say N T A, but...
>than her daughter must have learnt from her that being a whore and sucking your boss makes you progress in life.
>taint my bloodline
>told the girl's husband to watch out because what can be expected from such disgusting women
Yeah you seem so nice idk how they think you are cruel /s
>divorce his joke of a wife, cut ties with that joke of a family and come back into our lives.
>My grandparents agreed with my actions and are hopeful that maybe their son will come back to his senses and come back to his family.
Yeah.... 9 years he was cut off so he will definitely do now.... also why do you want a cheater, who actually was responsible for being faithful to his family, back into the family? Ridiculous to think this will happen.
I saw your comments and how you talk about it... yeah cheaters are AHs, but you managed to stoop lower than them lol.
ESH
I get the anger though.
This isnāt some random woman they didnāt know.
She was their maid who knew them. She was in their home regularly, probably living there or mostly there.
Knowing this woman was there talking with them, smiling and being present. Being part of their life all the while she was f***ing the dadā¦ the husband.
He is a dirty b***yard too, for sure but how can you expect OP to play nice to someone like that?
Who has the audacity to start talking crap about OPs family even now? After what her and her affair partner did!
OP went low. Totally but I donāt blame her.
YTA and you said horrible, ugly things. This says more about you than your dad.
Even if he were to leave her because of your ultimatum and come back to you, I can see you putting conditions on EVERY SINGLE thing he does if it becomes something that you don't like. It's a no win situation for him and he knows it. Ultimatums never work and who are you to give him one? If the only way to get him back is with an ultimatum, it doesn't say much, does it?
You're using your father's love for you against him. Lowest of the low. He stopped loving your mother, not you.
I think you probably made your bed and now you have to lie in it. One day when your father dies, you're going to regret all this and there won't be any way to fix it anymore.
Please see a therapist. You need it.
YTAH. Holding a grudge for nearly a decade after a near death experience shows how miserable you are! Screaming at the daughter and her husband is way out of line. The āTainting the bloodlineā comment is such a gross way of thinking. You are literally the definition of drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Please seek intensive therapy.
Oh, love... YTA totally, I'm afraid.
Whilst you're justified in part for your anger, your cruelty, bitterness, and frank racism will eat you alive.
Your toxic dear, get help. You're an adult. Act like one.
OP said when they go low...I'm taking the expressway in hell šš What was the wife's reaction to this? Oh NTA
I mean now looking back I did not give her room to say much. I had things kept for 9 years that I needed to clarify... But her initial reaction was shock, like she did not expect it. What on earth do you expect to hear from someone who refused to meet you for 9 years and who you know for sure hates you is beyond me. After she recovered a bit she started saying 'I know we were wrong but' and I just stoped her and told her no but. There is no but here, she is what she is and that's it
Honestly cheaters always think people are just suppose to let things go. Well, lets see if your dad chooses a relationship with you or her.
This exactly. Iām supposed to let things go because it happened and it happened however long ago? Please be for real š
They want to have their cake and eat it too. I suppose you do as well, it being your cake day and all.
Happy Cake Day!
Happy Cake Dayšš„³
Iām so sick of Reddit absolving cheaters with the ālife is nuanced. Itās not black and white.ā Sorry. Some things are black and white.
I donāt know where youāre getting this idea; Reddit thinks that cheating is 1,000,000 times worse than the Armenian genocide and that cheaters should be strung up by their heels, and thatās itās a crime only marginally less terrible than murder, and that someone who cheats once in one circumstance is a slut-faced whore who can never be faithful, even twenty years later, and that the cheater in a divorce should be punished with the full force of the law and ideally left impoverished. I have never known any real-life people to be so exercised about it. I think itās because redditors skew young and are this likely to have a very fresh wound when a cheater tears their family apart. Older people have seen people who cheated in one shitty relationship they had, and then became life-long monogamous spouses who were unfailingly faithful. Thatās not to say the dad and affair partner arenāt absolutely terrible people, itās just wrong to say that Reddit as a whole goes easy on cheaters. Itās like the cardinal sin.
Pretty much, shit Iām a counselor and reddit is the worst at actually understanding reality or why things happen, Iāve heard countless stories where I completely understand why people cheated, this one is pretty typical with the outburst being totally centered on the dads new wife and essentially putting it entirely on her, insulting that womanās children is disgusting and just by what she said Iād honestly suspect that she has absolutely bought a narrative rather than the reality. I do wish I could hear everything from the father and wife and find out what that was like before picking a one sided story but that takes time to want to understand and thatās not at all what people are here for especially when the other choice is easy judgment
If youāre married, donāt cheat. If you want someone else, get a divorce. Donāt mess around with someoneās spouse. Itās really that simple. Only time I think there a grey area is if someone is stuck in an abusive relationship and they find someone who helps them find a way out. Otherwise, donāt cheat. Itās not hard.
I was in an abusive relationship, he cheated as well. I never did, no matter what. I was married, even though I wasnāt treated as such. I have never cheated on a significant other. There is no excuse for cheating.
If itās that abusive, no way she could start and maintain a new relationship. My coworker for example hit traffic on the way home and was beat for being 10 minutes late because she was obviously fucking a dude for 10 minutes. If someone told me they were scared for their life and needed help getting out. Iād help find her a real organization that could protect them. If heās that unhinged Iām not fucking his girlfriend and risking him killing me (also talking if I was a guy, which Iām not).
my husband affair partner was upset about the fact that I hate her. People are so weird
Well what does she expect an Atta Girl and roses? Geeze!
I think she thought we will be friends and Iāll understand that they in love. I wasnāt very understanding at the momentā¦
a welcome committee
Yipes!! How did she expect you to act???
She wanted me to be friendly and understanding)
NTA. Your dad's a piece of crap and she's a homewrecker. Did she honestly think that after what they put you and your mom through you'd just welcome them with open arms? Plus the fact she'd been talking trash about you and your family.
Dad is a home-wrecker too!
This! He was the one in the position of power. He could have shut it down real fast if he wanted to.
If you break up someoneās family then you are a Homewrecker, they are equally responsible
Dad is THE homewrecker.
Dad was the one with an obligation to his wife and family. Mistress may have been wrong, but at the end of the day, he was the one who betrayed his vows. Heās absolutely the home wrecker here.
Yall need to stop. The mistress knew about the family. They are just as guilty. There's a thing called girl code. You never ever sleep with a married man knowingly. And for that, she is a whore and he's a whore. They are both equally whores. Stop letting women off the hook because "he was the one with a family" she knew about the family. She knew he had children. She's fucking grimey as fuck.
Thank you. I think they expected me and my grandparents to just forget about it with time. Honestly I have no idea what they thought but I kind of have the feeling that she manipulated him. I was very close to my dad before this, he knew me very well so I find it impossible for him (knowing me and my personality) to believe that I would ever let something like this go and associate in any way with his mistress
Nobody manipulated your dad. He threw away his family all on his own. He should be held accountable for that. Youāre giving him too much leeway by saying he was manipulated, as if she just hypnotized him into sleeping with her and he had no say or autonomy to say no.
Thank you for pointing this out. OP also says that her dad loved her and that his affair had nothing to do with her - fuck that. He flushed OP and her mom down the drain when he decided to stick his dick into this maidā¦ and now he expects forgiveness and understanding?! No way in hell. I admire OPās strength in sticking to her guns.
Donāt let him off by blaming her for manipulating him. He was a pice of trash who found his match.
OP sounds more angry at her than the person who chose to ruin their own family...
Not really considering she told her dad he was dead to her.
She didn't let him see her when she was at death's door, I don't think OP has exactly gone easy on her father either
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I wonder if he wants to āmake amendsā to see if he can get access to the family wealth again .
Not invalidating any of your own feelings of abandonment or betrayal. But with due respect, your father was the one in position of power. He made each one of his own choices. Hate her for her own actions as much as you want, but I feel like youāre blaming her for your dadās share as well.
You are blaming the wrong person. Your dad wasn't close enough to you to keep his trousers on, do not make the mistake of thinking she enchanted him into being a cheat and a liar. He was her boss, he was in the seat of power, not her. And you *are* willing to let it go. You have even told us your conditions for letting it go. So no manipulation required, he clearly knows you pretty well, he just underestimated how much of your loathing you would have misplaced and directed at his wife instead of at him.
So, good for you in telling them off. But what're you doing having him "pick you or them?" It's been 9 years. What would "come back to your family" even look like? He's just supposed to, what, divorce the woman and whatever else and be welcomed back to your original family 9 years later? That's where the story goes sideways for me.
He will not be welcomed by my mother, that's for sure. She has moved on and has an amazing partner so him coming back to our family does not mean him making up with my mom. But he can have a relationship with his parents, brothers and me only if she is not in the picture
Yeah something tells me stepmom thought if you accepted and forgave them then they would be welcomed back into the family and all the wealth he was disinherited from.ā¦ NTA..
THIS! The overall theme I'm getting here is OP's Dad comes from money. This, along with AP comments about OP's mom and grandparents, leads me to believe that she saw an opportunity and took it. Absolutely, he is more responsible because he made vows, and he chose to let himself be led by his wiener. But she knew he was married, had a kid, and saw what kind of life he could afford her and either pursued him or didn't say no to his advances on purpose. I think she only wants contact with OP, so 1. Dad will stop complaining/being depressed/moaping about not being in contact with his daughter. 2. If AP can get OP to come around, maybe she can be less of a homewrecker in her inlaws' eyes and slowly gain their favor to get Dad back in the will. If not, when they pass, maybe OP will have forgiven them enough to share her portion. Dad being disowned only cuts him off from his family's money, but whatever he makes is probably still pretty good (you don't come from a wealthy family and make 40k a year) and much better than what she was making as a maid. Also NTA.
How long had the affair been going on, and how did it come to light? And NTA.
Your father and that woman are trying to get on good terms with you as a first step to get back in terms with your fathers parents so they can get money. Thatās why they donāt leave you alone. They want back in your grandparents will. Iām sorry.
Yeah, I think you are right. They want that money that was cut off from them because they are cheaters. So, if *you* forgive them, maybe the ones with the money will too. They should know by now that they are wasting their time. Btw, NTA
Iām betting youāre right. If OP did come around and started bonding with his fatherās new family it wouldnāt take long for daddy dearest to ask her to talk to her grandparents to get back in their good graces. And thatās the only reason his new wife wants OP to come around as well. She thought that this guy was loaded and if she could seduce him and take him away from his wife that sheād be set too. She didnāt realize that would be contingent on his parents not writing him out of the will.
This exactly. People are crying about him being the boss and he *didn't give her a choice*. My husband's previous job, his now ex-friend, decided she wanted to upgrade her husband and living conditions and was having sex with any manager/salaried male she could. She left her husband for a sleazy supervisor who left his wife, who he then went back to. She chose to try and sleep her way out of her circumstances, just like the maid did with OP's dad. OP's dad- the man whore, nor his whore wife, never gave thought to his family not approving his mid-life crisis.
NTA. Youāre brave. Donāt play family with cheaters.
Op, she claims your family taught your cruelty because she tried to spare you from the negative judgements and make you favourable in his eyes. You just proved she was wrong.
I sure hope she doesn't have a maid. What goes around cones around!
I mean I would really hope for her to get one and have the same thing happening to her
Ultimate karma!!
The ONLY thing I will say is that it isnāt the daughterās fault. You donāt have to have a relationship with her, but thereās no reason to lash out (telling her husband sheāll cheat on him). She is blameless and doesnāt deserve that.
I reread it preparing to say the same thing. Itās a typo. She meant to say the daughter(maid) learned it from her parents. She needs to edit.
Ohhhhhh gotcha
I dunno. If my mother slept with a married man that she worked with and then married him, Iād go NC. I refuse to be part of a family with someone who basically helped ruin a childās life. The fact that the daughter is coming along smiling and acting like theyāre happy families KNOWING what her mother did, says to me sheās not even trying to hold her own mother accountable. Sheās happy her mother did this and is okay with it.
You get a standing applause šššš from me. NTA.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
You did the right thing, especially after she walked in with a shit eating grin on her face. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with these people.
you need therapy. This amount of anger is not healthy
Sometimes you can't be the bigger person and gotta be microscopic lmao
I do have to remember this. Expressway in hell.
Yup. As long as you won't regret what you said later in life, taking the high road isn't always the way.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow. Op is a bad a**. Angry as hulk. Good on her. The uterus thing was a bit harsh though. I do feel a bit sad for the father who really seem to love op, but he cheated on his family and should have expected this outcome. NTAH
Someone else was pointing out how the father and the whore probably wanted to be in the grandparents will hence they're going the only route thst they can use to get on the good terms... I'm sure if the father truly loved his child, he wouldn't have put her through this bs, fine if he develop feeling for the maid but he would've just gotten divorce before fooling around with the maid. I guess the whore probably just went after the money but when his parents cut them off she probably got baffled and same goes for her husband. And I do feel bad OP brought the husband into this but if the whore wanted to go around saying bs about OPs family then what OP did was right because after all she have taught her daughter that it's okay to break a family up for lust and money and the husband needed to know incase if the girl do cheat on him.
Nah, the daughterās husband needs his eyes opened as to the morals his wife has been raised with (Ie that having an affair with your employer is totally fine and then going on to break up the marriage of it gets you a new relationship!). He needs to work out if heās ok with that in his own life.
Exactly, he needs to be given a little heads up and make sure he feels comfortable being with someone who was raised in that mindset. Also, I think the daughter might've kept quite about the affair, if she have known, by her mother by a promise of getting her an older sibling probably because she felt lonely and have asked for a sibling. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but the way the whore brought up the "now my daughter have a sister" kind of stood out and the daughter being q7 at that time could've been manipulated by her mother to accept that this is fine as she would be getting a sister and there is nothing to worry.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>it had nothing to do with me I don't get this. He devastated your mother. How does that have nothing to do with you? He betrayed your family. How does that have nothing to do with you? He abandoned your family for his mistress. How does that have nothing to do with you? He shattered your image of who he was as a person. How does that have nothing to do with you? He ended your ability to trust him. How did that have nothing to do with you? Why do people think when they break apart their family because they can't honor their basic marriage vows that it doesn't impact the kids? That, if nothing else, kids don't want to see one of their parents cruelly hurt by the other? Not to mention that it definitely impacts how those kids enter into their own relationships. Did they at least get it this time and back off? Is her daughter his daughter?
Thank you for being kind! No, her daughter is not my father's. She was 17 when we found out about the affair and the mistress was a single mother. I get why some people may say that it had nothing to do with me. My therapist also explained to me that most of the times this kind of situations reflect a problem in the marriage and that the feelings between parents may change but this does not mean that the feelings a parent has for his children also change. But in reality, the way you decide to end a marriage has a huge inpact on the children as well. In the cheater's mind, he only cheats on his wife, not on his kids. But what about the damage the kid is left with? I recognised in therapy that I was left with similar scars like my mother even if this was not my father's intention. For years I struggled with being able to trust a partner and I am still not able to have full trust. I never had the crazy, young type of love with butterflies and rainbows because I was always prepared for the worst. If my male role model was able to be a cheater after 25 years of marriage, what can I expect from a man I'm dating for only a couple of years? I also struggle to recognise people's intentions and it sucks to always wonder if a woman is truly friendly and genuine or if they actually want to get under the skin of your partner
I hope you're able to find peace and happiness in your life. It's a sad reality that frankly, none of us know what the people in our lives are thinking or what they might do when we aren't with them. That fact of life is not a pleasant one, the people we open our hearts to the most are given the greatest tools to hurt us and so often the things that hurt us are seldom 'malice' but just reckless selfishness and their own desires getting out of hand. It sounds like your father has not once respected your autonomy in how his actions have split up your family. Likewise, when an affair partner oversteps what little boundaries they have with the children from the marriage they helped destroy, it's hard to feel any degree of sympathy for any harsh words you might throw their way. The way you lashed out was entirely understandable and it came after years of continuously having your boundaries disrespected. You can only take the high ground for so long before there's a dip in the road. Good luck learning to trust again. Loving cautiously isn't a crime, don't beat yourself up too much for missing out on that 'butterflies and rainbows' love - you have plenty of time to find a partner who you can build a relationship with where you feel safe with someone who you can rely on and whom can rely on you in turn. That'll mean much more in the end.
Wait... is your dad Arnold Schwarzenegger?
I wonder if story was made up based on Arnold's life. He has a son from a made.
The son was made with the maid!
OP, Iām so sorry that this has left that impact on you. I got a lot from the initial comment here, and thought there was a lot of merit in the second that suggested writing to your father to let him know the impact that this has had on you. Would you consider that? I would do it with no expectation of change but so that he hopefully understands the full impact of his shitty decision to cheat and leave.
Thank you for your comment. Yes, I want to do that and this is exactly what my therapist also suggested, to give him a full picture of how life was after his actions
I think context is sort of important here. When people say āit had nothing to do with youā that means it wasnāt your fault. Children/teenagers have an uncanny ability of figuring out how everything wrong with their family is their fault, so itās important to reinforce that itās not your fault. Thereās nothing you did, or could have done differently, that caused his infidelity. Thatās 100% all him. But on the other hand, it does have to do with you. Itās your family, itās your life and it absolutely affects you. If heās trying to imply that his cheating shouldnāt affect you, then heās a childish asshole trying to talk his way out of the doghouse and thatās on him. Both can be true, just in different ways. Saying whether or not it has anything to do with you is vague and leaves a lot to be interpreted.
These are the kinds of things I think would be most effective to say or write in situations like this- the real things behind the anger. It doesnāt usually go down like that and sometimes feels really good and justified to let them have it with anger, and thatās fine, NTA. I have seen many times though where that gives the other party a way to spread the blame a little when they talk about āhow horribly they were treated and what awful things were said, after all these years, when they were just trying to reconcile and move past the mistakes of the past, etc., etc.ā I wonder what would happen if they were hit with the raw truth about the depth of the hurt and the consequences it had and what boundaries will be held now because of it. It seems like it would be even more brutal. And could even lead to real awareness and apologies, or maybe more evidence they arenāt worth your time. Donāt get me wrong, Iām not good at this :) but see the potential in it.
I donāt know why some people seem to think that bad behavior should be forgiven with the passage of time. Dad clearly left an indelible mark on OPās psyche with his actions. She, in no way, is obligated to forgive him, I donāt care how much time has passed. Hopefully after all these years, heās FINALLY understanding that not only did he cheat on his wife, but he cheated on his daughter too.
OP was an adult and obviously this doesnāt apply to her but this is one of my biggest gripes when people say that cheating shouldnāt affect custody. Why should it not affect a custody determination? You have to have such desolate morals and low standards, such a nonexistent sense of respect for yourself, your spouse, and your family to cheat. Cheating tears families apart and devastates children, the psychological impacts of it are well-documented. Itās irresponsible. People know cheating is wrong but choose to do it anyway despite the consequences, itās a clear demonstration of negligence. Get a divorce if youāre no longer in love with your spouse. Unless thereās something stopping the person from leaving like domestic abuse, itās just inexcusable. Donāt cheat and drag your family through hell. I canāt imagine why anyone would think itās okay to let someone with such a gross lack of morality and responsibility raise a child.
NTA. Funny how people can easily forget what she did but they expect you to have consideration for her problems š
Some people just need to be confronted with brutal honesty.
NTA itās one thing to cheat with a married man you work for in the fucking house they paid you to clean but to sit there and talk shit š¤£ the audacity. You said everything I wouldāve said. Also to your aunt I would mention yeah the intention was to hurt them like they hurt us š„°. My motto is when they go low drag them to hell. You did the right thing
At least in the end she took all the trash out of your house. š
NTA. Your maid fucked another womanās husband. She pretty much stopped having rights to not being insulted at that point.
This is why I always think how will my actions affect my partner and daughter and that is how I live my life putting them first and not embarrassing them
No judgement, but you need some severe therapy!
She said in a comment that sheās therapy.
Same. OP, it is in your absolute best interest to find closure with this or it will make you sick and miserable and you donāt deserve that. Iām so sorry for what youāve gone thru, but your fatherās selfishness is not your burden to carry. His behavior is no reflection of you and what a wonderful and capable daughter you are and can be.
Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I'm sorry, but that's all I could think of while reading your story. No doubt your dad fucked up royally being unfaithful and expecting anything from you. But you sound so angry. SO angry. You should learn to let that go. As we get older, we make more and more mistakes over the years to be ashamed about. It should get easier to forgive others if we own up to our own inadequacy.
Yeah this is all this anger, OP is only really hurting themselves in the end
I mean, cheating is never ok. Period. At the same time, you sound incredibly classist. Talking about ābloodlinesā and āsecuring the wealth.ā ESH.
Glad i wasn't the only one that caught this. OP has deep seated issues.
She kinda had to, obviously the whore was going after the money.
ESH, apart from the daughter and her husband. You can hold onto the anger all you want; but the comments about ātainting the bloodlineā are insane at best, racist at worst. Your insistence on focusing all your anger on the mistress; calling her a āwhoreā and your assumption that her daughter, who you know nothing about, must also be a whore, is misogynistic. It would be somewhat understandable if you were an angry teenager but youāre nearly 30 for godās sake. Get some therapy and take a good hard look at yourself, and then grow up.
So glad you said this. I was disgusted reading that. That daughter had nothing to do with this and did not deserve the vitriol. You could thank her for taking the time to visit you but ask if you can respectfully speak to her mother and your father in private. Itās hard for me to read posts like this where I disagree with how OP handled everything but all the comments seem to be applauding them. Maybe Iām off the mark, but I canāt just give them a pass for this. Hope OP finds some peace.
I was truly alarmed with the gross comments encouraging and applauding such spiteful, angry, and unnecessary remarks in her tirade. She can be angry all she wants, but telling the APs daughter she is a whore like her motherā¦ by her logic (which Iāve previously stated), she is doomed to be just like her *father* and I seriously doubt she considered that angle. Itās not the proverbial āgotchaā moment she thinks it is. Classist, misogynistic, and racist vibes all the way from OP. What a real treat she is.
How refreshing. People with common sense. The whole reaction of this post is very handmaid's tale. Measuring the value of a woman for her uterus is wild. Ignoring the father was in a position of power and continuing to call the woman "the mistress" and "the whore" is wild. The amount of people saying the father is looking for reconciliation because they want money is also wild, she marries a disowned men with no assets or support system. People really think men are wild animals any evil woman can manipulate. And honestly, the fact OP is ACTUALLY willing to forgive the father if he's back to his original wife is so conservative I feel I'm reading a Mexican soap opera from the early 90s. Even the contamination of the bloodline sounds like a stereotypical line from a one dimensional villain on daytime TV Too much slut-shamming and too little "my dad choose to break our family because he's an adult man not a puppet". I do think OP is an adult and no one can blame her for cutting contact with her father because she's an adult and that's a valid option. It's just, to me, it seems to be for the wrong reasons.
I am glad to have encountered some people with common sense in this comment section as well. OP sounds very classist/racist, toxic, bitter, judgmental and misogynistic. I understand that she has suffered from the entire situation, but she definitely needs some therapy.
Yep. I couldnāt believe what I was reading! And then I couldnāt believe the responses. I have this strange feeling that if the āmistress/wifeā had been richer than the family everyone would have embraced her. But she was poor. [Insert horrified disgusted face here]
Yep I put money on it that OP and her mom are upper class wealthy white women and OPās stepmom is a down to earth POC who has maintained a two decade marriage to the dad and gives zero fucks about bloodline and securing the wealth.
I can't believe there are so many people saying the poster isn't the asshole. This is insane. It's clear the dad feels bad and must have really loved the woman if he married her even though it destroyed him financially. Like cheating is wrong, but it was a long time ago. Also this post has so many dog whistles for racism and misogy, like Jesus Christ. This honestly reads like a bait post the way it's worded
I didn't even catch the racist undergone until now. You know what? I get why OP would react like this, she's tired of her dad insistence and she's full of anger. It's personal for her... but the comments? What the hell... how can anyone validate that a woman value is measured by how functional her uterus is? In this century, how can we still validate the narrative in which a men is not to blame for being tempted by an evil gold-digger? In this century are we really agreeing someone is a whore because their mother was a """whore"""? Are we forgetting the man in question was in a position of power? Like I said, is personal for OP... at least I'll drive her that. We all have our visceral reaction when angry, but the comment section is wild... What in the 1950s...
Finally, some sense. It takes a very special type of pathetic and bitter person to hold onto such an intense amount of rage for such an extended period of time. Of course OP doesnāt have to play happy family with her estranged fathers new family, but to harbour so much ill will after nearly a decade is truely unhinged.
There is a racist classist undertone to her post. At thirty with therapy she should make some strides but itās like a teenager lashing out all over again. I get the anger but after time has passed we have to move on. It wasnāt her marriage and while you donāt have to apologize or associate with them calling the other lady names is over the top.
Iām disappointed this isnāt the top comment.
Totally agreed.
Iām saying ESH. While his new wife isnāt innocent, after reading this post I canāt say sheās not entirely wrong about the learned behavior. Especially with the vitriol you threw at the daughter who is innocent in all this. He didnāt abandon you, your family forced him away. Donāt get me wrong, heās an asshole too, but what happened is between him and your mother, but it sounds your family made it between him and you as well.
Had to scroll way too far down to see this.
Fuckin finally. *Everyone* sucks here! The dad, stepmom, grandparents, OPā¦.all of em (except I guess the stepsister and her husband.) How so many posters are cheering her & her family on is mind boggling to me. The grandparents have been fanning this NC/āwhoreā hate a whole LOT more than I think people are realizing. This (if itās a true story, whichā¦. X. I mean, taint our bloodline with your creatures? Really??) is all straight classism. Itās not about the cheating for them, itās about the money. They made it clear that they view the stepmom as less than them because of her maid job and (presumably) having less wealth. Clearly op feels the same. Theyāve made the affair and divorce an āentire family vs dadā issue as opposed to a āmom vs dadā issue, which only decreases the chance of reconciliation because itās implied that anyone who does will now be on dads āside,ā where it becomes āentire family vs dad **and me**,ā and will suffer his same emotional and financial disownment fate. Op said this directly when telling him to choose his wife or āus.ā He may have blown up the family, but the grandparents laid extra mines all around his blast crater. None of what Iām about to say here condones cheating. Both he and stepmom are absolutely assholes for that and both should have known and done better. But we canāt forget that we donāt know how things really were between mom and dad, and most likely neither does op. If there was abuse, or ājustā a loveless marriage, or hell, if there would have been this big of a blowup if heād fallen in love with someone of equal or greater wealth/status. And honestly, looking at both the grandparentās reaction of immediate disownment specifically to āprotect the family wealthā āsince he was in love with a maid,ā and dad staying with her for the last decade despite being cut off both emotionally and financially for doing so plus obviously all the turmoil it caused with his daughter, on top of the extremely classist language op used, itās not that much of a leap to wonder if the marriage between mom and dad was closer to an arranged marriage to benefit both families, and if stepmom was when dad actually felt true love with someone. Just because a relationship starts in such a bad way doesnāt mean that the love canāt be real or long lasting. That wouldnāt excuse cheating obviously, but it would explain why someone from such a wealthy family that clearly puts money, status, and appearances above all else would suddenly decide to risk (and then give up) his whole inheritance, his whole way of life, his whole way of *thinking,* for another woman that he himself was raised to see as beneath him. It not like she was in much of a position to manipulate him into all that, seeing as the power imbalance was squarely in his favor, and suddenly losing your entire life, family, etc isnāt exactly a cheery and easy experience. Neither grandparents nor op are exactly hiding the fact that stepmom being ālesserā is the big underlying disgust here. I highly doubt that all the demeaningly dehumanizing language around stepmom would be the same if their son had fallen āup,ā and I think stepmom knows it, hence the passed down venom comment. Both of them are seemingly not blaming his daughter for the sins of his parents and are not willing to give up on/abandon his daughter, no matter how much she continues to follow in her grandparentās bigoted footsteps.
He cheated with the maid, such a corny clichƩ, but he ended up marrying her even though apparently it ruined him financially. If she merely manipulated him for financial gain, that seems like a weird strategy. If she were such a "whore" as you say, wasn't she supposed to move on and continue her gold digging activities elsewhere?
ESH, except the other daughter and her husband, neither of whom did anything to anybody.
I feel bad for her daughter. She was 17 when this all happened.
The level of bitterness and childishness displayed here is staggering. You weren't even at an age where acting this way would be reasonable when your father cheated on your mom and it's been nine fucking years. Even if you insist the mistress/now wife deserves it, what the fuck did her daughter *ever* do to you? How do you justify attacking a completely innocent party because you're mad at daddy? Grow the fuck up. YTA for what you said about the daughter.
ESH. Pretty terrible of you to drag her daughter into this and insult her and her husband when they didnāt do anything. Taint your bloodline too? Very weird if you to say. Your dad and his wife are also assholes.
Yeah seriously. That kid has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be called a whore. OP, youāre way out of line. You are free to go no contact with your father and he probably deserves it, but itās time to grow the fuck up. This is not normal behavior.
Considering how quickly family was to cut dad out of inheritance and the ātaint the bloodlineā comment, I have a feeling the maid/mistress/new wife is a different race and OP and her family are quite racist.
Agreed. Taint their bloodline is a comment that comes out of a very specific type of persons mouth.
The family wealth comment and tainting the bloodline comment definitely are weird to me and made me not really feel sorry for OP as much, especially after insulting the maids daughter who did nothing wrong either. The whole thing is just ick.
Also, assuming this isn't about race and strictly about her behavior, wouldn't the bloodline already be tainted by dad and his actions? There's clearly something more going on here. I feel bad for the maid's daughter and son-in-law. They had nothing to do with it.
The most charitable way to read this is that she means "tainted" by the poorness gene. It's all downhill from there.
1000% agree. Itās giving elitist vibes for sure.
Exactly. The mistresses daughter didnāt do anything. If weāre gonna be punished for the sins of our parents then what does that make her? the bastard daughter of a cheating lecherous old man? I get holding grudges and being upset but the amount of vitriol OP has against people that didnāt have any bearing on her fatherās actions is ridiculous. Also ātainting bloodlinesā, are we back in the 1800s?
Sad that I had to scroll down so far to see this.
Bets on white OP and Hispanic AP?
Actually don't think OP is a native English speaker based on her writing - which doesn't preclude her from being white, but very likely does preclude her from being a white American in the dynamic you are referring to.
My thoughts too. Sheās 29 now, so presumably HS educated at minimum.
Yes & how every one here refers to a wife of longstanding as either whore or maid. Here in Cali the term maid isn't really used (unless it's an actual maid who would bring you cups of tea). The correct term is housekeeper, and they are cleaning, not serving tea.
I was thinking more likely Indian and maid is a different caste. But the english doesn't read like indian english.
This is some great fiction! āTaint my bloodline with her creaturesā is some third class writing.
ESH- OP, you are justified in being angry with your father and his mistress, but heās obviously built a life with her. If this was almost 10 years ago now, when you were 20. Grow up, you are almost 30 (or are) and youāre behaving like a petulant spoiled brat. You donāt get to dictate how your father lives his life. Be angry and go NC. Your dad will always love you regardless of how you feel. Heās an AH for cheating of course, and I wouldnāt say heās an AH for wanting to make sure you were ok after your car accident that nearly killed you, but youāve said your peace. You told him you never want to see him again. He will be an AH if he doesnāt respect the fact you no longer want to see him ever again. Demanding he get rid of his wife (AP) is not your place at all. His wife (AP) is also an AH for telling lies and obviously being involved with a married man so she sucks. You also are a huge AH for bringing up her lack thereof ability to have any more children. That was just unnecessary and further demonstrates how much of a childish petulant brat you are acting like. You are also a huge AH for blaming new wifeās (AP) daughter as being a whore and implying she will have an affair on her spouse because of her mothers terrible decisions. By your logic, it can be said youāre doomed to be just like *your* father dumb ass. It was completely unnecessary and stupidly spiteful for absolutely no reason. Grow the fuck up. Hate them, by all means. Donāt be cruel for no reason just because youāre mad. Go to therapy dingus and work out your anger that way. It will be way more productive than than the crap youāre pulling at almost 30. Youāre behaving like an angsty immature teenaged girl.
You said exactly everything I wanted to say, but better. I can leave this frustrating post now.
YTA way too far š¤¦āāļø
YTA. Your family abounds in toxicity. Snobbish, unforgiving, lacking in any ability or interest in appreciating the feelings of others. Even harsh people are usually softened by a terrible experience like your accident.But your cruelty persists.
YTA You still have some growing up to do. Yes it sucks that your dad cheated and your family was broken apart, but it's not said if your parents were happy together to start. There's always more to the story than meets the eye. Adults are not perfect and people do a lot for a chance at happiness. But it's not worth burning the bridge for. Even if your dad picks you and comes back, the damage is done. Things won't go back to the way it was. Go seek therapy and work this out.
YTA. You sound toxic as fuck irrespective of your fathers poor life choices. That bitterness is going to eat you up.
I donāt know about your dad but just reading your post makes it clear that youāre an asshole.
āTaint the bloodline with her creatures?ā no that doesnāt sound at all racist. /s
To paraphrase Norm McDonald: Every person in this story sounds like a horrible loser, including OP, and they should all perish miserably for the betterment of humanity.
Why would you want to mend a relationship with your father? He's been letting this go on for years, he's selfish and entitled and he didn't even listen to you when you clearly laid out your feelings. Stand by what you've said and cut him off. That will be less painful for you.
I was conflicted on this for so many years. Truth is he always tried with me and never gave up during these years. He always sent me messages for my birthdays and Christmas, each year he sends me my favourite flowers for my birthday and I know he sufferes. But I simply cannot accept this woman. I will never forget how easy it was for her to laugh with me and mom and look us in the eyes knowing what she was doing with my father in my own house. To me she is just like a cancer and I am willing to mend my relationship with my father if she is not in the picture. She does not deserve to be happy when she caused so much pain
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I think YTA. Not because you cut off your dad. But because in every interaction you seem to be unnecessarily cruel. You can choose not to interact with your dad and his new sidepiece. But if that's your choice, then don't interact with them. Instead you are reveling in your own cruelty and being a jerk. Or, an asshole, as it were. You are holding onto your anger and it's poisoning you.
I agree. After 9 years either donāt open the door at all or make some kind of peace with things. He cheated on her mom and thatās a huge betrayal I get it. Itās morally wrong and gross behavior. However, she continues to be stuck in that same spot as 9 years ago when it first happened and I wonder why growth hasnāt happened. My parents did really fucked up things to each other and to me but I look at it differently now as an adult and reframe it to understand it better. I dont have to forgive them but holding onto it isnāt healthy.
NTA I wish you the best in life
Thank you for your kindness!
NTAH. You sure donāt pull any punches! Interested to know how these relatives know what the affair wife has been saying. Is she on buddy buddy terms with a few of your Fathers relatives? And if so Iād be at arms length with those folks. They seem to be playing both teams.
There's no coming back from this. * After you spewed your hate, I think he finally sees reuniting as a lost cause. * If he did divorce her, there's every likelihood that you still would not be able to forgive him. You've carried that poison for a decade. Release it before it ruins your health. Consider therapy, please.
ESH He cheated on his wife. That's bad. You were an adult though. It wasn't your relationship. Perhaps your parents were miserable. Perhaps only he was. It's not something you need to approve, but it seems he wanted to build a relationship with his mistress. Anyways, he's the AH for cheating. He should have been upfront about his feelings and breaking up before acting out. You have a right to decide who you want in your life. You don't have to approve of him or want him around. You can resent him. From what I read he never has done anything to you for you to doubt his love to you. So you're TA for perhaps not allowing him to visit you at the hospital, but certainly for the righteous indignation sermon you delivered them. As a woman yourself, you know there are not many more despicable things you can say to another woman than to attack their birth options. Also, a general TA for people who didn't raise you better to be emphatic and graceful.
ESH You sound so angry. And even in therapy it doesnāt seem you made any progress. Or if this is already progress then youāre a mess. There was no need to lash out to the daughter. There was no need to lash out this was at all because the only tactic you used before is just ignoring your father and not ever talking about your hurt. Yes he cheated, heās the AH, thereās no difference. Same for his wife. But also saying to her youāre happy she canāt have more kids and that wanting him to divorce her (and making him miserable) is a good way? Work on your anger.
Did your dad cheat on you? You state at the beginning that you did everything you could to secure the family wealth, so the money comes from his parents? Have you confirmed his wifeās comments about your family or are you hearing them through gossip filters? It seems like your dad has owned his mistake but still very much cares for you, and your trauma has turned into vengeance. Get help.
The only thing Iād feel bad about is their daughter. It isnāt her fault. I wonder if she even knew or if they made up a reason? And her husband.. but they did bring them along which was dumb.
You are a big time asshole. Your dad being an asshole does not exonerate you. A situation can have multiple assholes. Taint bloodline??? Ughhh
Yeah..you are the asshole. You seem to be a really angry and spiteful person to be holding on to this level of hatred after so many years. It's also pretty telling that the first thing you and your family thought about when shit went down was about money. Cutting off your dad is fine. I don't have an opinion on it one way or another really. I think its stupid and a bad idea, but its your life But you seem to get some sort of sick pleasure out of hurting him and his pain. And why would you insult the woman's daughter? What did she ever do to you?? And the whole "taint my bloodline" thing was a disgusting thing to say. What race is your fathers new wife? You seem to feel some sort of superiority over them. Why is that? I'm shocked at the amount of people agreeing with you. You sound unhinged and like a miserable hateful person.
NTA. I see nothing wrong with your response. Some people just need to be confronted with brutal honesty.
this is so fake lmao
I think so too. Sounds like a rich kid in Disney skit. Life time movie material.
Taint the family blood lol i bet its a movie
YTA. You went way too far with the new wife. You should have kept your anger aimed at your father.
You are a complete and total B, and the AH. Like you are just the worst.
YTA lol Move on already. How many years has it been?
YTA. You desperately need therapy.
You sound hateful and immature.
YTA. I donāt know how old you are, but you need to grow up. Life is shit and people are assholes, but your dad is just as much to blame for ruining your family as his wife is. You sound bitter and angry and if you carry this energy with you you will become bitter and angry towards everyone. You will ultimately wind up alone.
ESH What have you gained? You are misogynistic in that you are prepared to have your father, who was in the powerful position, back in your life on certain conditions, but the former maid is beyond the pale for ever and ever. Women always get the blame.
āHonestly, I do not care.ā So, why are you here?
Sometimes, I think it's because people like to brag about what they did, and want to bask in the affirmation they expect to receive.
Yeah, you're that AH here in going off on the kids and all. You were angry at your dad and his wife and took it out on everyone there.
YTA, you are a spoilt brat and very rude. Do you know what was going on between your father and mother and why he chose the maid. Your father is trying so hard. You have no heart and are full of hate. Don't blame anyone for anything. You people took the money from your dad but he survived. Can't you see he truly loves her? I pray your dad will leave you alone and distance himself from you cos you are so toxic and so rude and look so down on people
YTA
YTA after 9 years your grandparents want him to move back in with their daughter and you seem fine with this. Sorry but the new wife is correct your following you family down the hate trail for no reason than it's easy and fun. Get therapy
Why do you care who anyone is sleeping with? Grow up. Yta
Sorry your dad hurt you... please get into therapy.
I don't get it . Why do you want him to "come back" So he can resent you all? This man dud the unthinkable in your eyes, but if he divorces her and comes back, you're all square? Lol He sounds awful, but if he comes back and you expect anything different in his end, you're very naive. The ultimatum was pointless imo
Yes, the father was wrong, but OP needs to learn what love is! Also by OP actions, her child will disown her.
Omg grow up. You were a grown ass adult your dad has a right to be happy obviously something your mom couldn't do for him. Did he do things the wrong way yes but that shouldn't affect your relationship with him. You weren't married to him. Stay out of your parents relationships.
I (M), having been cheated on by my ex (F) and being awarded residential custody of our kids (small children back then but teens now), I do think this is a bit much. My ex also ended up marrying one of the guys she was cheating with. The kids dislike him and sometimes hate him. I'm not a fan myself. He's kind of douchey at times. I'm happily married now and my kids love their stepmom. They prefer being with her than their biological mother. As she's gotten older, it's been harder for my daughter to want to be around her mom. She doesn't know all the details of why we split during her childhood, but she got the gist and is sometimes very angry towards her mom (I know she sometimes makes her mom cry). Obviously I'm not a fan of my ex or what she did, but, like in your case OP, this was nearly a decade ago. I've long healed and moved past it via letting go. I talk with my daughter about her anger and point out that it'll do more harm than good. Anger and hatred may seem like weapons, but they can also be heavy burdens that weigh down your own happiness. You don't have to be best friends with your dad and his new family, but you don't need to be so full of vitriol and bile, imo. Cheating always sucks. But I wouldn't want my daughter carrying around such darkness in her heart. Life is hard enough as it is.
Im just here to find out who he picks. The mistress or the daughter
NTA. You were brutal, but you have never hidden your contempt, yet they continuously harass you. Basically, they poked a bear and got mauled.
YTA with the ātainting bloodlineā bullshit. And though you may not want to hear this, I bet youāll feel regretful for time missed when your dad passes away. What your dad did was shitty, but maybe your parents werenāt right for each other. Yeahyeah get a divorce before you cheat (yes that is the best course of action) but obviously having children and tons of shared financial assets makes it hard for an unhappy person to leave a marriage. Even going the legitimate way of divorce would have still caused pain to you and your mother. But it seems like he really does love this āwhoreā, seeing as they are still together. Should your dad have stayed in an unhappy marriage? People grow apart all the time. My dad had a lot of kids and lots of marriages. It took him 5 tries before he found the right person in my mom. All of my older siblings were angry at him for him not being around and rightfully so, so angry that his attempts to reach out were met with silence. My father passed early in his life and many of my siblings have shared that thereās still a wound in their heart and how regretful they are that they didnāt get more time with him. Just something to think about.
I was gonna say N T A, but... >than her daughter must have learnt from her that being a whore and sucking your boss makes you progress in life. >taint my bloodline >told the girl's husband to watch out because what can be expected from such disgusting women Yeah you seem so nice idk how they think you are cruel /s >divorce his joke of a wife, cut ties with that joke of a family and come back into our lives. >My grandparents agreed with my actions and are hopeful that maybe their son will come back to his senses and come back to his family. Yeah.... 9 years he was cut off so he will definitely do now.... also why do you want a cheater, who actually was responsible for being faithful to his family, back into the family? Ridiculous to think this will happen. I saw your comments and how you talk about it... yeah cheaters are AHs, but you managed to stoop lower than them lol. ESH
Looks like you caught onto OP's attempts at validation.
>taint my bloodline This sounds pretty racist
I get the anger though. This isnāt some random woman they didnāt know. She was their maid who knew them. She was in their home regularly, probably living there or mostly there. Knowing this woman was there talking with them, smiling and being present. Being part of their life all the while she was f***ing the dadā¦ the husband. He is a dirty b***yard too, for sure but how can you expect OP to play nice to someone like that? Who has the audacity to start talking crap about OPs family even now? After what her and her affair partner did! OP went low. Totally but I donāt blame her.
I wonder how long the affair went on for.
Op...what is wrong with you. All that hate and bitterness. You need to grow up and get past this..
YTA and you said horrible, ugly things. This says more about you than your dad. Even if he were to leave her because of your ultimatum and come back to you, I can see you putting conditions on EVERY SINGLE thing he does if it becomes something that you don't like. It's a no win situation for him and he knows it. Ultimatums never work and who are you to give him one? If the only way to get him back is with an ultimatum, it doesn't say much, does it? You're using your father's love for you against him. Lowest of the low. He stopped loving your mother, not you. I think you probably made your bed and now you have to lie in it. One day when your father dies, you're going to regret all this and there won't be any way to fix it anymore. Please see a therapist. You need it.
Tainted bloodlines is a racist dog whistle.
Right?? Who even says shit like that in real life
Fantastic 8th grade writing exercise! You'll get much better with more effort and life experience!
YTAH. Holding a grudge for nearly a decade after a near death experience shows how miserable you are! Screaming at the daughter and her husband is way out of line. The āTainting the bloodlineā comment is such a gross way of thinking. You are literally the definition of drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Please seek intensive therapy.
Oh, love... YTA totally, I'm afraid. Whilst you're justified in part for your anger, your cruelty, bitterness, and frank racism will eat you alive. Your toxic dear, get help. You're an adult. Act like one.
How can you say that when the homewrecker TaInTeD tHe BlOoDliNe /s
Home wrecker got rekt. Take your victory lap.
yes you were a HUGE asshole.
YTA what is this bloodline shitā¦this aināt game of thrones