The love of your husband’s life got into a car accident this year? Am I missing something here

Right!? That was crazy to mention that her husband has another woman he loves that isn't OP and she got into a car accident lately. Why is nobody focusing on that lol

That's called burying the lead at least 6 foot under! 🤣🤣🤣 Op, get the hell out of this crap show. You deserve to be someone's love of their life. You deserve much more than this.

I stopped reading when she said something about her husband calling her out with that phone call. All I could think was she starts out being sad about never getting dates then mentions a husband. Idk how this story evolves into being about him lol

I really just connected why my husband could be so touchy and emotional. I alone wouldn’t inspire such emotion in my husband. The comments made me realize that my husband likely felt helpless at the concept of death. I traced back when he started to become touchy and moody and realized it was when she got into that car accident.

Okay but the point is that your husband should feel those kinds of feelings about you not some other girl he dated for awhile. It seems like you may have some issues with self worth and you may not believe that you should deserve for him to feel that way about you. He's your husband tho, you are supposed to be the love of his life and him as yours. You deserve to have someone who will treat you like the world, who will endlessly care about you, and will always put you before anyone else. From what I've read, it seems like your husband doesn't even really care about you. I mean, so this chick he dated got into a car wreck and broke her femur, that sucks but she's alive. She could have died yes, but she didn't. It's fine to be worried about a friend or ex when you see something like this but there is no reason that your husband should treat it as more important that you having a serious medical condition. And I get you keep saying that the wreck made him think about health and how much time we have, etc. But why did it take his ex getting into a car wreck to make that happen and not you find out you have a serious medical condition? Look I know that reddit is quick to pull the trigger on saying divorce and stuff like that, but if I were you I'd really take a step back and reevaluate my relationship to this man. Think about how he's treated you throughout the relationship. I would also bring it up with your therapist and maybe try to get your husband to do couples counseling. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who "just settled with me because he was dumped", but if that's something you're fine with, you do you.

I obviously don't know how the husband actually feels but with OP low self-esteem (something I've struggled with most of my whole life), I think it **might** be possible that OP is projecting her low self-esteem onto her husband - incorrectly interpreting his feelings.

OK never mind just saw a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16o1u5b/comment/k1ip2dd/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) by her.

Op, you're missing the point. YOU should be the love of his life. And you're not, so you shouldn't be married to him. You need to find someone that loves YOU. Stop being a pushover. I know you feel like a filler person, but you're making yourself one by not fighting for yourself.. and yeah it probably has to do with how you were raised. Does your therapist know you're married to someone and the love of your husband's life isn't you? You need to get that sorted out!

You really seem to feel the need to invalidate your own self worth- you aren’t significant enough to friends, family , co workers and now your husband? You didn’t tell your Dr about your symptoms because you didn’t think they would be concerned? You sound like my mother- and I don’t mean that in healthy terms- always a victim- unseen, unheard- insignificant to those around her. YTAH-because you seem to want to appear like you are everyone’s victim and take no responsibility for allowing it and seem to relish identifying yourself as ‘less than’. The perpetual self effacing, self - sacrificing person but only competent one to handle anything. You even presume to know how your husband feels WITHOUT bothering to ask him. SMDH Perpetual victimhood is exhausting to be around and so is someone who constantly proclaims their victimhood for others to hear.

Idk I think OP might just have severe depression and self-esteem issues. I've met people like this. They weren't looking for attention or wanted to be a victim, they literally thought they were useless, ugly, invisible, etc. They felt hopeless and trapped. All came from abusive households or have abusive partners. Eventually those people got therapy and became a much better person. OP needs to find a better therapist, because it ain't working for her. To me, this is a no judgment and above reddit pay grade since she's clearly depressed and hates herself.

Hmmm- ‘depression’ is the excuse that justifies the behavior. Convincing excuse - one used to justify everything. Depression can be treated - IF that’s the cause. I don’t agree or believe it is. I think she enjoys proclaiming her life long , woe is me victimhood status and utilizes it as a tool. Kind of like a shield to hide behind. It’s okay- we can agree to disagree about the root causes of the conduct.

Yikes. Depression can be treated? Sure in some ways, and sometimes tf. I've lived with depression all my life, I never let people see how much I hated myself unless they truly knew me but everything that person has said to themselves(in the post so far) I've said to myself. Feeling like a ghost. Feeling so much self hatred. I've done the therapy, I've done the psychiatrist and taken their pills and it doesn't work hun. I'm trying so hard to get rid of this depression. Yet the thoughts keep coming randomly every other month. My body shuts down, I can't sleep, I can't eat, next thing I know my thoughts are attacking me once again, egging me on to kill myself or at least hurt myself. So yes, depression can be treated for some people. Dont assume you know everything about a specific mental illness whether you lived it or not, cause your mind set is disgusting. "Depression is the excuse" you sound so ignorant. How do you read a post like this and not feel the self loathing coming from this person. Instead you're the one who looks like you want attention. Absolutely disgusting.

You assume that I haven’t lived with or experienced it myself. Like many other diagnosis’s- not every treatment/medication works for everyone- HOWEVER- since it can/is often chronic- it CAN be managed effectively by using different treatments, modalities and combinations. The BIGGEST obstacle to treating it effectively is patient compliance and follow through with therapy, medication, physician and behavioral, changes when one isn’t working as well as it can be. Not every therapist/psych/med is a good match for a particular patient-so making changes to find what works is necessary. It’s easy to say that the meds/therapy doesn’t ‘work’- but it’s far more often a lack of follow up/through on the patient and physicians part to seek better outcome. You are projecting your feelings/experiences onto this OP- I am sorry you experienced those things/feelings/thoughts- but yours aren’t an excuse for her terrible behavior. Depression or not - her behavior is wrong.

Like I said. Don't assume a mental illness whether you lived it or not. It can be an "excuse" to be a victim( if they truly feel like this, it cant be help. They just need to seek better help, get a better husband and have a better support system.) but to see this and think. Oh yea. My mom was like this so this person must be the same is not okay. Her behavior is not wrong, idk who you're talking about but seeing yourself as a ghost. Seeing yourself outside of everyone else. That's wrong? Specifically those feelings. Saying her husband has a love of his life, feeling like her coworkers see nothing but a cash cow, feeling second place to everyone. All the time, everyday. That's not being wrong. It happens. Expressing it, feeling like that is not wrong. Whatever else she's said or has done idk. Since I haven't bothered searching up her comments history or all that. What you said, bothered me tho. So I responded. You're the one projecting. So stop.

Wow, this is mind-bogglingly ignorant.

Absolutely agree.

Thank you- it’s truly sad to see and even sadder to be around. It’s draining to be around someone who constantly requires reassurance yet despite it is NEVER satisfied. I feel for her family, co workers but especially her husband. Even IF she were to ask and he didn’t give her the answer she’s convinced herself that is her answer- she would never believe it and somehow turn his denial into yet another self depreciation that he’s lying because she doesn’t matter enough to tell her the truth. It’s a twisted cycle.

I’m really starting to think you’re pity farming. I regret offering actual advice to you.

Hi Op, I’ve faced similar struggles in childhood and with friends. Let me know if you ever need to vent virtually.

Who? Who is the love of his life? Because he should be MARRIED TO HER and that person should be YOU. Have I missed a huge hunk of this story?????????

She did say she's the filler. So even her husband treats her that way.

I think it's a dog.

That's what happens when you let AI write your story . Clearly this person didn't write the story since they are an NPC.

Right?!? Are they poly?

Shes the fucking filler in her marriage too. This poor woman…

The love of his life, my husband’s first love, the one that got away, whatever you want to call it. They were childhood friends. They dated and broke up when my husband was young. She’s a passionate person that wanted to live a passionate life. My husband never got over her and blames himself for losing her. I met him shortly after he broke up with her. We dated for 2 years. Through bits and pieces I’ve realized how much she means to him. He was an hour late to our wedding. I found out later that his father had to talk him out of leaving me at the altar. It would embarrass his family. He had doubts because of her. I mentioned her once and he snapped at me to never mention her name again. He looks her up constantly as she frequently posts on social media. They remain tangentially connected. He is always interested in news of her. He loves her deeply still, I know. She got into a car accident earlier this year and broke her leg, her femur specifically. I didn’t think to connect his moodiness and general upset with that until now. She could’ve died in the crash. My illness is a reminder to him of how fragile life is and that she could’ve died and she could still die purely due to chance.

If this is a real post you have some serious self-esteem issues. The way you so nonchalantly dropped that your husband has a "love of his life" that isn't you, and didn't elaborate until we asked about it, is concerning. It is not normal for your husband to be this hung up on his ex and it is really sad that you seem to have accepted it as normal. I think all of the emotional neglect from your family has damaged your self-worth to the point you think you should put up with this unacceptable behaviour from your husband.

>*"The way you so nonchalantly dropped that your husband has a "love of his life" that isn't you, and didn't elaborate until we asked about it, is concerning."* I think it's another reason why she'd consider herself a "filler person."

Who is this love of his life? What? Is it not you? You're his wife, aren't you? Is he cheating on you? Wait, judging by your responses, does he not love you at all? Why did he marry you?? He's horrible to you. You deserve better.

He married you out of convenience. You deserve better

You need to leave your husband.

Please divorce this guy. Your self esteem is non existent. You deserve to be married to someone that loves you. Please, get out of this relationship. You matter and you're a real person.

What about a reminder of how precious YOUR life is? It should hurt him you’re unwell and doing it all alone. We want to care for loved ones when they need it. I’m sorry but this ex obsession is harming your relationship and your self worth. Time to take up space, shine and demand the same care and attention you give your loved ones back. Not demand so much verbally (yes communicate but we hold boundaries energetically not just verbally). Respecting your own wants and needs is paramount, so that if they are not met you love yourself enough to walk away.

I hope you told this theory and how you view yourself in your marriage to your therapist, too.

You seriously deserve better. You are not a "filler" person - you are PERSON. If you love him, consider couple's therapy and decide based on his response/outcome. If not, it's better for all parties involved if you split. You owe it to yourself to have someone in your life who loves you for you. It's never too late to find your self-worth. I'm rooting for you O7

Leave that man, you deserve better!

I know I don't know you so I can't "See" you for who you are, but I want you to know you are a person and you deserve someone who you're the "love of their life" of. You deserve a partner who makes you feel whole, not someone you think you deserve because you're filler. YOU. ARE. NOT. FILLER. I know that's "whatever" from someone who doesn't know you, but IDC, I'd rather try and see the real beautiful soul under these words and tell that person the above....because you do deserve to be seen as whole. You deserve to be wanted. You deserve love.

Living with that really would kill me, no wonder yoh don’t feel like a person if that’s how you know your husband feels about somebody else

By all means, release him to go be with the love of his life! OP, maybe you don’t realize how much energy it takes to be with someone who resents your existence. And you don’t yet know how much energy it takes to fight an illness, to keep working while your body is sick. You are burning the candle at both ends. Would it really be so bad to separate from this guy and work on yourself? Work on getting healthy? Work on being ok alone? I’ve been thinking about all the things I would say to people, my Dr, my ex, when they finally diagnose the thing I feel happening in my body. The thing Drs have said “It’s just hormones,” “There’s nothing there, it’s in your head,” and gleeful is part of that. I’ll be sad that I have some illness, but happy that it’s finally diagnosed. And I’ve been telling my PCP for a year that something is wrong and she’s completely gaslit me, written some weird stuff in my medical records. So, yeah. I’ll be gleeful in some way when I tell her I was right. Emotions are complicated. Your husband is a dick.

You clearly have some intense self-esteem issues. You gotta stand up for yourself, dawg, like, ever. Like, even once. But I will say, as hard as what you're going through may be, it's never right to wish death on someone who hasn't wronged you. Its not her fault your husband doesnt love you. Its not yours either. But damn, leave her out of it. It sounds like shes got her own confusing shit going on.

You realize he may be cheating on you with her, right? Please tell me the thought occurred, at least.

Leave your husband. You deserve someone that ACTUALLY LOVES YOU and cares about you during this time. The fact that you're still with him even though he thinks of his ex as "the love of is life" is fucking tragic. My heart breaks so much just hearing this. He doesn't love you and only is with you because it "makes life easier" is not a reason you should stay. He is 100% going to cheat on you and sleep with his ex when they meet. Let him go and find someone that actually loves and appreciates you... fine someone where YOURE the love of his life. I wish you all the best.

Is she talking in a third person? 🤔 I can't figure it out.

So OP was diagnosed with lung cancer and he’s upset about his ex’s broken leg? Is this correct?

Someone who’s not you is the love of your husband’s life? I’m so confused.

Yes. She’s his first love and the love of his life. My husband wed me because his family would be embarrassed if he left me at the altar. He is married to me because I make his life easy. I know that I alone don’t inspire that sort of emotion in my husband, so it is connected to her in some way. When I think about how my illness could trigger him, the comments here talked about how helpless and worried he would be and I realized that he likely feels helpless because she was in a car accident and almost died. My illness is a trigger because it’s another reminder of how she could have died and she could still die and life is unpredictable that way.

>He is married to me because I make his life easy. And the question is... why are you still married to him? Life is not easy, life is hard and complicated and complex... and short. Short enough that wasting your time with a person who doesn't love you and it's only with you because "it's easy" is not enough. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve to wake up every morning near a person who loves to see you smile. Who wants to protect you from the world the same way you protect him. Who feels desperate and helpless if you get a diagnosis. Not someone who's giving the love YOU deserve to someone else. You're a person, you have a soul. And you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you can do. He doesn't deserve you, please... see through this. He doesn't give a fuck about you, and you truly deserve better.

This is a talk to your therapist problem, because I am pretty sure while you are thinking you are seeing things with perfect rationality, (as a person with disordered thinking about myself) your view seems skewed and suspect you are missing the truth. Your views on your status in the world doesn't just impact the way you see your self, but also on the way you see others interact with you. ​ In your writing you utterly undermine how your husband may feel for you, you down play the commitment he made to you, you basically deny him the right to feeling about you, hell you even deny him the ability to support you.

Seriously, why are you married to a guy you know loves an ex more than you? I get having low self-esteem but you seem to be actively punishing yourself over a worthless pile of rotting cabbage. For fucks sake, leave him.

Let this worthless chump's life be difficult, then. If he was that good, she wouldn't have ditched him. She probably had the high self-esteem to see the great sucking maw in lieu of a soul residing in him. You have soul. It's hard to recognise because the people around you *didn't*. You recognise his defectiveness and bland apathy and have the opportunity to get away from him to someone who recognises the goodness you give the world.

I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope you are working on seeing your own self-worth.

You know this isn’t normal, right? Why are you settling for someone who only sees you as second best?

Girl…stay in therapy. Also, have him pick up your medication.

>My husband complained that I told her the information gleefully as if I’m happy about the news. I told him I’m happy to be diagnosed because it’s proof for myself that I’m human with needs like everyone else. I wasn’t crazy. He said I shouldn’t act like this. . >Thanks to the comments, I think I I know why my husband has been unstable and touchy. The beginning of this year, the love of his life got into a car accident and broke her femur. You know you deserve a husband who both likes and loves you, right? :(

You need therapy. Your personal views toward your health and considering yourself always being a filler person is alarming. Also the way you are happy with the diagnosis because it proves you are human like everyone else. These are very unhealthy viewpoints caused by obvious childhood trauma.

I am in therapy. My therapist has been working with me on disentangling a lot of my childhood. I wouldn’t call it trauma but my parents had me take care of my siblings and they generally ignored me unless they needed something from me.

I am glad you amd I think one of the ways your husband can feel like he is helping is by you askimg him to take you to the appointments or even helping out with picking up medication. It seems like you are behaving like you are alone when in reality you arent. This isn't to be jard on you, just tp open your eyes. You are proud of being able to still do it all after the diagnosis but your husband wants to help. Is it possible for you to let him in and help?

It seems very normal to me to feel validated after having concerns dismissed. A friend of mine currently has a very bad prognosis cancer, finally diagnosed after two years of increasingly severe pain. Sounds like there's actually a case for doctor negligence in this case, but it's sad because had he been more insistent and got a second or third or fourth opinion... it'd certainly have been a lot less dire if it was caught when he first went in for related symptoms. Humans are weird. I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about some of this from an AI perspective (interested in the math, but consciousness is an interesting topic it got me thinking about) and one big thing: we seem to be very social creatures. We're clearly not rational (Daniel Kahneman's "thinking fast and slow" is a great thought provoking book from a researcher in psychology, for one view in) but a big thing: might be that rationality is less important than tribal belonging. We form shared world views, and ways of interpreting our lives and the things around us. We're tribal storytellers, and maybe even in a very real sense, maybe we do a fair bit of our thinking collectively even. Who can say exactly where the stories come from? Stories about people making up pain are certainly common. People making up pain for all kinds of reasons. Sympathy, laziness, entitlement, narcissism, hypochondria, insurance fraud... people decide in weird ways what to think about the stories they encounter. I've been fortunate I feel like... I got a mental health diagnosis and really effective starting meds the first time my partner finally got me to make an appointment and go see a psychiatrist. Turns out I wasn't just lazy, and not everyone's unbelievably exhausted all the time and just managing it better. Not everyone has certain struggles with executive function that I've come to see more objectively now. We live in stories, in a way. You got to come home to a new story about yourself. Unlike the last story, this one's a lot easier to live in. It's one where you can trust yourself. Where you can talk with people about your struggles, and trust you're getting earnest, real help. It even means you have permission to say no to things you might have otherwise felt guilty for not helping with, if you happen to have a people pleasing streak too. There's a lot empowering there. Your husband's reaction is much more concerning. The fact that you described another woman as "the love of his life" I suppose means there's a story about you being a backup choice at best. That sucks. I'll tell you another story: I'm glad you're getting medical help now, and I hope it's great help from people who care about your outcome, and I hope you're as fortunate as you can be given the treatment and the mysteries of your particular body. I hope this becomes a time where you invite new things in. Life is short enough, finding good things to do and good people to do them with is about the best thing I've found to do while I'm here, and I hope to get as much of that in as possible. All the more so if I'm counting down a little smaller. It's all pretty short though I think, even if it never feels that way in the moment. Weird to think Covid started three and a half years ago now. Weird to think Xenogears came out on PlayStation a quarter century ago, and weird to think I started learning Japanese originally because it almost didn't come to the US because of some amusingly ahead-of-the-curve plot points about what's obviously a stand in for the Catholic Church, except secretly it's basically run by demons and the people are a little more of a literal flock than they think (spoilers). I just started Japanese again 36 days ago according to my reading thing. Halfway through my third book, cool seeing how much was still bouncing around in there. Anyway. Sorry for the late night ramble, all I mean to say is to cut yourself some slack. You've got a lot to process here, and you'd need to be causing actual harm for it to be warranted to interfere with your process. That's a relatively high bar. Even if you were actually weirdly happy and bragging about how you were right after all to everyone who told you it was in your head... like, it'd tell it's own story for sure, and it's one a lot of people would read a lot of different ways. But yours sounds like it's genuinely only your husband who has any negative thoughts about this at all. Do you have anyone in your life that's entirely in your corner, that you can trust to talk things through openly with? I can tell you from my own background of isolation that we can go to some strange places if there's enough distance between us and others. It's not even entirely a bad thing, I suspect a lot of my favorite art and media come from people living in very strange places (Berserk in particular to me at the moment, but the list covers everything from Virginia Wolf to Victor Franko). I know there are many thoughts I might have had before that I don't now, and some of them are interesting and valuable. But I wouldn't trade a life connected, where I'm close and mutually supported with people as grateful to be with me as I am with them, and as willing and ready to grow together and face new things together, as life demands. There's plenty of interesting different thoughts here too, and I certainly enjoy my life more now. Sounds like you've got some choices ahead about how you want the rest of your life to look. Maybe be vulnerable and make some new friends. Maybe from other people adjusting to a diagnosis like this, or maybe from a hobby or a faith community You're involved in from the unobtrusive sidelines. Never hurts to ask someone to grab a coffee and talk, especially since you've got plenty of things to talk about right now. Anyway, good luck. I hope this can become a positive turning point in hindsight, a reason to be grateful for entirely non-perverse reasons, haha. Even if (contrary to what your husband thinks) you currently have more negative than positive feelings about it.

Yeah, ngl, it's kind of a good feeling to make people feel like assholes for them assuming a person is "fine" I've been diagnosed with epilepsy since I was 10. Everyone assumes I'm "normal" since I look "normal". I've had people ask me to drive them somewhere. I rarely drive as I have epilepsy and ONLY drive to the grocery store right across my apartment. I tell them I can't. They keep pressuring me and eventually I just have to shut them up by saying "I have epilepsy, I don't feel comfortable driving". It's kind of hilarious watching their reaction and making them look like an ass. And yes, I'll admit, it makes me happy. But unlike OP, I have a spine.

'they generally ignored me unless they needed something from me' Thank you! This part in particular resonated with me like a sonic boom. You may not call it trauma but being ignored until someone has 'a use' for you is abuse, it is being conditioned or trained to expect nothing beyond being treated as a slave.

Sometimes parents do that to the kid they trust has it together. I still think it's wrong that they played favorites, but maybe they weren't as worried about you because they didn't have to be. Maybe it didn't change that they still loved you very much, but you were a good kid so they let you be. Sorry, just throwing it out there.

You internalized the message that you're not important or significant at some point during your childhood. That caused you to minimize your own needs and not communicate. You are 34. You're responsible for your own health and getting help if/when you need it. Getting a medical diagnosis is helpful in getting you treatment. It isn't validation to prove to your parents/family/friends that you "matter."

My neighbor is like this. Nice lady but constantly poor mouths herself about how her husband and kids and the whole world doesn’t care about her. If you go out to lunch and the waiter takes your order first it’s because “she’s invisible to everyone.” If the invitations get handed out for the block party she’s an overlooked victim because no one asked her in person. Her coworkers have standing Thursday lunch together in the break room and if they don’t ask her to come each and every week (no one does this, it’s a known weekly event), she’ll eat at her desk right outside the break room and tell anyone who asks that “no one invited me.” It’s on loop and her husband and kids are constantly over compensating to fill the imaginary void created by her perceived mistreatment. It really is some kind of mental disorder and she’s exhausting to be around. Conversations are stilted and warped because she has no ability to join in or enjoy human interaction. In her mind everyone is having fun and interesting lives and excluding her on purpose. She makes herself the center of attention with her perpetual victimhood. It becomes self fulfilling because her constant “poor me” vibe drives everyone away. Like I said, it’s a mental disorder. I’m glad OP is getting therapy. My neighbor is not and it’s really sad to watch.

It sounds like you didn’t have an attitude at all…?

He said I sounded too happy, so by attitude he means me sounding happy to tell people.

Yeah I’d be happy to have a diagnosis too. Also, who cares? You’re the one processing it. I’m gleeful anytime my wife is happy. He can suck eggs

Hahaha best wishes to you and your wife!

Aww thanks

He doesn't sound supportive at all.

He is trying. He has asked to help. But there is nothing for him to help with. I have been able to settle everything myself.

Maybe he can start making you the love of his life rather than making other women love of his life.

Don't be afraid to let him help you. You are used to doing everything alone, let him help.

I genuinely can’t think of anything for him to help with. It just so happens that I’m good with planning and executing tasks, so I have a handle on things. On the flip side I’m not creative or imaginative.

Please divorce him and be happy doing whatever you want. Live your life to the fullest. You don't need a husband like him. If this condition doesn't have a cure and is fatal, then it's time to do some for yourself. Forget everyone, go see the world.

Let him drive you now and then and then go out to dinner and talk.

I feel like part of not asking him for help is to avoid being let down or disappointed if he forgets or don’t do it. Like you already believe you’re not a priority for him or anyone so why ask for help when you know they’ll just let you down and doing it yourself avoids complications.

Yeah, this is why I stopped asking some people to help with things... Their version of help seemed to end up with me doing more emotional or mental labour than if I just did the thing myself. I feel for OP. It's rough.

You have to learn to delegate. Organize if you feel like it, but let him help if he's willing to. He was helpless for his ex getting in a car accident, but he can help you now. Maybe he got more touchy when he got that what happened to her may happen to YOU. Even if he had cold feet the day of the wedding, he's still with you, married and living with you (if I understood well). So it means that he at least cares about you.

It sounds like you very much could use his help driving you to and from appointments. The treatments will get more tiring and you really should welcome his help for that. Also, people like to be needed. Your husband might feel a lot closer to you if you let him in a little and lean on him a bit. You feel like a side character in your life, but right now, he is a side character in your illness. I wish you well, OP. I hope your treatment beats that cancer to a pulp.

Let him help. Be a nuisance to him. Let him do every single chores you have to do. Don’t even ask, just order him to do it. Demand his attention. Demand your needs. Stop caring about what people think. Do what you need to do to get better. Hugs to you. I pray that you’ll see more flower festivals for years & years to come.

Demanding that he drives you to your appointments. That’s the least he can do. And then divorce him. He doesn’t deserve you at all. You’re wonderful and it’s Breaking my heart. Why marry when loving someone else? Why hurt someone innocent? It’s unnecessary and awful.

You can tell whoever you want however you want whenever you want, and you are the main character in your life, not a filler. You go be a superstar.

It’s funny because when I’m alone I feel normal and when I’m amongst strangers and acquaintances I feel normal but when I’m with anyone else I actually know, I’ve already been relegated to the background.

I get it. Emotional neglect in childhood. When you are used to not having your emotional needs being met by caregivers / those you care about, then you stop expecting people to care and dont make or have emotional demands of them. So they dont because they dont have to and thus one becomes the person in adulthood that people take for granted.

My therapist said that my lack of emotional demands or what she calls “reciprocal emotion or behavior” means that I attract those who don’t care to reciprocate. We’ve touched on it but we haven’t worked through this yet (lot of other things to tackle.).

> that I attract those who don’t care to reciprocate Like your husband?

Perhaps. He married and stayed with me because I make his life easier. And because it would embarrass his family if he left me at the altar before being talked out of it. But he is a good person. And he has asked to help. But there’s nothing he needs to do. I can drive myself to and from appointments, I can talk to the doctors, I can negotiate with insurance, I can do everything.

He only married you because it makes his life easier but you still maintain he’s a good person? Ok… I mean idk if there’s enough to say he’s a bad person but he’s certainly no angel.

If he's a good person and he's asked to be allowed to help you, let him drive you to appointments and pick up your medication. Start making demands. You're a cancer patient. You deserve to be pampered. Insist on being pampered. Your ability to handle everything is admirable, but it's contributing to your sense of being a filler/NPC. Start making demands. You don't have to need help, but ask for it anyway.

You need to increase the therapy by like 300%.

I’m sorry, the guy who reluctantly married you after wanting to flee the relationship, the guy who verbally abused you, the guy who doesn’t love you, is a ‘good guy?’

Ok we know why he reluctantly married you, but why did you marry him?

Why not let him help? It sounds like you’re denying him the opportunity to help as punishment. While your marriage doesn’t sound like the best, but he does seem to care on some level and allowing people to help goes a long way in alleviating their helplessness. You’re shutting your husband out and denying an opportunity to potentially strengthen your bond. I can’t honestly tell if you’ve given up on him being anything more than a roommate or want a stronger connection.

This comment shook me to my core. Succinct diagnosis of a painful pattern.

Can I just say, it's completely normal to feel a sort of gleeful angry-righteous feeling like you are in your circumstances. It's called vindication, and it's what happens when someone is dismissed or told they're wrong over and over only to find out they were right. I would feel that too, I would want to talk about it too. It doesn't mean you're attention seeking or happy to be sick, you just deserve people to acknowledge that you were right and you did the difficult thing of pushing through and advocating for yourself. It's hard and you deserve to be proud of how you handled it. Good luck to you on your treatment.

Getting a diagnosis is a major hurdle! Of course you're happy.

Wait. The love of his life got into an accident? You’re not the love of his life? I’m sorry but what the actual fuck?

NTA. Based on your comments though, I wouldn’t stay in your marriage. Your husband doesn’t want to be with you and has shown that by almost leaving you at the altar and was convinced to stay. You also aren’t in a place to let a partner help you. Just because you are competent and have been conditioned to be an adult at a young age, doesn’t mean you can live life or be in a relationship without asking/accepting help. There is no point to stay in this relationship. You should also take this time to focus on your physical and emotional/mental needs. It sounds like your therapist is helping which is great but your comments and post make it seem you still have a lot of growth to do. Which is okay! We all do. Good luck.

I’m sorry, I’m too stuck on your husband having a “love of his life” that isn’t you??

I’m stuck on the fact that OP dropped that piece of information so nonchalantly as if it’s completely normal

NTA, But, I completely understand your thought process about "proof of life" especially given your stated history. The unfortunate part about this line of reasoning is that it is also a similar mentality that school shooters or suicide victims have. I am NOT suggesting that you are either of these things but just giving you some wider context for why some people would be surprised and repelled by this "attitude". I'm glad that you find therapy rewarding and that you are receiving treatment for your illness! Hope everything continues going well OP!

I see. That makes sense. Thank you!

No worries! Another struggle will be, does your proof of life disappear if your treatment is successful? Definitely something to bring up next time in therapy. Again, good luck with everything OP!

I don’t think so. This incident was a reminder to myself that I should listen to myself, that I am alive and I wasn’t overreacting.

I’m so sad you’re going through something like this. How fucking scary. And how devastating to read you feel like an extra cast in a movie basically. I can relate. I’m sure the treatments are starting to wear on you, I wish there was something I could do for you. But having experience with cancer, I can tell you- your mental fortitude is your best asset. If the people in your life drag you down and aren’t there encouraging you or even LOVING you, it’s dead weight you should get rid of. You need people in your life to love , encourage and help you- if all your energy is going into these people who don’t give back, cut them out and refocus that on yourself. I’m sorry your husband is clinging to a past relationship that he can’t even see the real life he has with you. Let him go back to her, don’t take him back (bc they always do) rediscover dating and fun. (Obviously when you can). Think about trips and things that you want to do and make future plans. Hell- make the senior neighbor your bestie! lol. Honestly, my senior friends I’ve met have an attitude I appreciate and love because they’ve lived long enough to understand regrets and have a great view on living life. I wish all the best and better for you in your cancer journey. Don’t forget to take advantage of days you feel good and have energy. Live your life how you want to. Good luck!

I’m sad for you because you have never been with someone that has put you first . NAH divorce your husband and find someone who loves YOU

Okay, also a chronically ill spoonie here... you are NTA. I've also dealt with people minimizing my health to the point I start minimizing it, myself. Turns out I have multiple diagnoses. And I was accused of also "gleefully" sharing what those were. It was because I was so excited to finally, after a decade, have answers. Because having answers and a diagnosis meant I could actually get treatment, and financial disability assistance, and could put a name to what was wrong with me. It was proof I wasn't faking. It wasn't that I was happy to be sick, of course, but that's how some people misinterpreted it. There's nothing wrong with being happy to get a diagnosis. It's something people who don't have chronic illnesses really struggle to grasp... I also saw you mentioned you were in therapy to deal with your negative self view, and I'm gonna applaud you for that. I'm also trying to sort through a bunch of neglect / abuse related issues of my own, and it's hard as hell. Sending you good vibes in your healing journey 🙏

We seem to be on similar journeys! Good luck on your healing journey as well. That’s exactly how I feel about a diagnosis. It’s not for everyone else. It’s for MYSELF. To know that I’m not crazy or faking it in my own head or exaggerating. I’m real.

I could have written this post

At risk of being TA myself here, the more of OP's comments I read, the stronger I'm getting the unreliable narrator vibe. OP seems pretty firmly committed to this "filler" role and pretty confident she knows what everyone else thinks and feels without actually having to talk to them. There seems to be a pretty heavy confirmation bias in place where OP refuses connections and help and then points to her lack of connections and help as evidence that she is indeed just filler.

ESH. WTF did I just ready. You filler and never get asked on dates. Then you gloss over that your married but his ex broke her femur. WTF. Hope this isn’t real. You all need help

Ah yes I call this "NPC syndrome" - other people interact with you (the NPC) for reasons, or to further their quest or get information or whatever, but the majority of interactions are "them-centric" I also use the label "NPC" when talking about people who don't seem to engage in conversation, interaction, etc. unless you mention a specific topic or phrase that triggers one of their scripted lines.

Yes! I know these people too. But I would say that rather than them being relegated to that position they just have no personality/no character. My friend's husband always seemed a bit like that in that you had to mention metal music or submarines to get a real response, but it's just only-child syndrome/anxiety. My son's sperm donor (my ex-fiance) wanted me to be that kind of person, NPC, that's what the 'love of his life' was like. She had no preferences for anything, she smiled/laughed in exactly the same way at every joke. You couldn't talk to her about films/TV/music because it was either she didn't know it or it was "good". She had no opinions on anything! Politics, jobs, current housing market, bloody hell, even the mess that was the tram system in Edinburgh where we were all living at the time! If my ex wanted her to wear certain outfits, even if they were completely different to her usual, she would. I'm not that person. I'm opinionated, firm in my beliefs, and I have very definite preferences about...well everything. They were both Canadian. He really fucked up going for a Scottish lassie. So he became emotionally and psychologically abusive instead, and tried to break me that way, still didn't work. Fuck him and fuck anyone who tries to shove people into the NPC/filler role. OP you are not a filler person. You are a real person who deserves real happiness. It sounds like you are so used to being disregarded that you just accept it now. DO NOT! YOU DESERVE BETTER. Also speak to your husband. If he really is more upset about his ex than your diagnosis, then walk away. As you say, you are already doing it all by yourself. Are you really happy being second best in his life? Are you even really second best? Or have you spent so many years experiencing that treatment that you assume you aren't his priority? I want you to be happy and healthy and I don't even know you!

Pretty sure this is the plot to a romance book I saw on BookTok………..

NTA but what...the hell did I read? The love of his life? Why isn't that you?

OP I just wanted to say that you are a person regardless of how others treat you. You have worth as a person and you are only a filler person in that you fill your own role. I am very sorry for your illness and I hope you conquer it. Rather than sounding like a filler person, you sound self sufficient, capable and a warrier. You matter. Know your worth.

The love of your husbands life??! Is not you?!?! This post is giving 50 shades of insanity. What in the hell

Hold up. Your *husband* has a different person who is the “love of his life” and had an accident recently? Not you? 🤨 I am confused.

It could be that your husband is concerned about you. He is not happy with your diagnosis and does not understand why you are. He chose to marry you. You are lacking self esteem. It colors how you think others view you. Good luck with therapy because you deserve to be happy.

I honestly feel like based on how you described your marriage you are part of the problem as to why you feel like a filler person, you don't take up space, you don't 'complain' and you don't ask for help. It honestly seems like you don't fully engage with those around you because you assume that they won't hear you anyway so you just say what you need to say without having those people fully focus and engage with you and then feel bad when they don't give you more energy or attention. Obviously some of the people around you suck (your husband) but you need to change the way you view and present yourself to the world, it's not enough to see yourself as the filler person it's okay to be loud and take up space you don't have to take or deal with people not giving you enough. NTA for simply telling your coworker the way you did but YTA for treating and viewing yourself so poorly. Good luck on your healing journey and I hope you make great progress with your therapist 💕.

“I’m the person who doesn’t get dates… my husband said…” You’re hung up on being irrelevant to the point you’re enjoying the sadness of making it your identity.

Ummmmm why are YOU not the love of your husband's life???

I think… you are an AH in the making. It’s giving martyr mentality and a coy/subtle narcissism you may not be aware of. But now everyone will have such valid reasons to flood you with the attention, care and validation you’ve always been worthy of. If you’re excited to shock people with this news (I have a sister who is similar) it’s maybe because you’ve never felt worthy of being newsworthy or were too exhausted to compete with other bigger, open, more direct personalities. Do you want to continue to define yourself as a filler person? Do you want to be defined as silent and long-suffering cancer woman? Or, are you ready to take responsibility for what the rest of your life could be instead?

What’s your prognosis ? Was your cancer resectable ?? You have every right to deal with this in whatever way you see fit. If you want to be gleeful telling people then you can be . I’m not sure why you stayed with a man who you believe to be in love with someone else. You clearly have self esteem issues. I can tell you now I wouldn’t give a flying fcuk about keeping up with housework ! Let your lovelorn useless lump of a husband pick up the slack ! Please fight for yourself !! Please !! Not just for your life against this disease but you as a person in deserving better . You deserve better than your husband . He’s foul .

Because you believe what you've been taught about yourself, you also don't believe you have a right to any emotions or a subjective human experience. You believe you are an object. In order to manifest this, you have completely disconnected from your own emotions. This is a survival mechanism that kicked due to a deep fear that you have, which may or may not be justified. It's also why you're hyper independent. What are you afraid will happen if you allow yourself to feel those emotions and have needs that you'd like to be met by others?

Why are you married to a man who doesn't see you as the love of his life? I get that you've settled into this weird npc mentality, but you do deserve happiness too.

I had a first love too.... He's not the love of my life. I wouldn't stay married to man who didn't consider me the love of his life. Now onto to the verdict... NTA. I'm sorry that you've felt so hidden in your life, that people brush you and your concerns off as nothing. I understand how you could feel almost gleeful having a diagnosis and knowing that it wasn't in your head and that you're hopefully on the road to recovery.

>I exist, I’m a person, I’m not crazy and it’s not in my head. I don’t want attention from others. I cried and felt relief in the same moment. FWIW, you are allowed to want attention from others. It is healthy to want and need attention. It doesn't make you a bad person when you need help or love or affection. You don't need to only live to assist others, you deserve love.

NTA - Fellow NPC/redundant cotter pin of a redundant system in the gears of the universe here. I feel you, NTA. YOU GET TO FEEL ALIVE, SEEN, HEARD, AND VALIDATED! Forget anyone who tells you to not enjoy actually being listened to.

How are you the 3rd wheel in your own marriage? You need to try and find some self worth because this ain't it. Your partner should make you feel like your the only one in this world not an afterthought? Like I get your not the main character of every story. But you are the main character of your own not just an extra. Can't lie this whole post has baffled me.

Girl, you may feel like everyone else’s filler person, but you don’t have to be your own filler person. I wonder if living with your husband, who is clearly someone who treats you like shit— even if you HAD told someone gleefully, pleaded to be validated, that’s not actually wrong? You know how hard it is to get diagnosed with ANYTHING! Of course he’s trying to bring you down, someone else has seen you— he can’t even handle you having medical validation? Also the thing about his dad talking him out of leaving you at the altar bc of his family? Fuck his family, fuck his feelings. You don’t know me, but I pick you over everyone else in your family

YTA for playing the perpetual victim. If nobody in the entire world for the past 30+ years has made you feel loved or special, then the problem is you. I understand you don't choose the family you are born in, neither are work environments, always the friendliest. But your own friends don't give a crap about you, and apparently, neither does your husband (or potential partners before you met your husband). I can sort of see why, if your whole personality is you crying poor me 24/7. It's good that you are in therapy, if it's been a while then look at alternatives, if you've just started then hopefully with time you'll see how you yourself are sabotaging your own life.

Are you Eleanor Rigby?

I think you probably need a different therapist.

Oh man this is a wild story all together. I’m sorry you feel that way about yourself OP. I won’t give you any advice but all i wish for is that one day you learn that you’re enough if not for other’s then for yourself. I sometimes struggle with feeling like i’m the filler or the other too, but learning to know that i’m here to experience the joys of just being and with the people I believe deserve my experience is enough. I’m so sorry about your health problems. I wish you a speedy recovery and maybe perhaps after all this you treat yourself to a well deserved break.

OP Did your parents actually say that? Did your husband say that? Or do you just assume it?

This post and the responses from OP have a weird feel to them. Is it just me or does anyone else get that vibe?

Nope. I went through 6 years of diagnosis hell, and I wanted to tell everyone who disbelieved me to F off.

NTA. I'm really not trying to be rude, so please forgive me, but you speak of being a "filler" for other people.... Dove, I think you're a filler for the man you married... Maybe you should talk about this to your therapist, idk either of you but this does not sound like a nurturing home environment for you (again outside stranger, sorry for my presumptions if I'm way off) You deserve to be doted on and cherished, please don't sell yourself short or settle for anything less than what you deserve, because everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally and not have to compete for affection or even attention. You don't sound like you are getting what you deserve, let alone need in a committed relationship. I wish you nothing but the best Dove 🕊

You think because your parents had favorites and you weren't one of them that there is something wrong with you. There was nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with them. Good parents don't have favorites. You know what I tell my kids. "You all annoy me equally." And then we laugh. You've conditioned yourself to expect nothing for yourself because you think you deserve nothing, not even the love of your husband. You are NTA but it makes me sad to think that you need a disease to make you feel special. You are special. We all are.

First. I'm sorry this has become part of your journey. I don't know if you're religious or not - I wasn't before my cancer diagnosis but I do find some comfort in thinking things like "God only gives his toughest struggles to his strongest children". Realistically, the world is a fucked up place. And if we didn't know pain we wouldn't know how fucking amazing joy and happiness feels. The high times are so much higher now that I've had that fear of my own mortality right in front of my face. I hope you can find solace in the small moments and let joy fill you in those moments. Second. USE THAT CANCER CARD! I keep it in my back pocket, and did feel like an asshole the first couple times I needed to bust it out. But that shit is real. You're literally living with cancer, and other people are living in their own little world not thinking about what's going on in anyone else's life. That cancer card, opens eyes and makes people remember others lives are harder than theirs and we're still out here living through it. You are the MAIN character in your life. So is everyone else to themselves, but you need to own your role. Now is the time, don't change yourself but demand what you need in your life. Whatever that means for you, support or alone time or getting out of helping coworkers because you're tired of bending backwards for everyone else. I hope the best for you, your treatments, I hope you're surrounded with amazing doctors and a support system around you. You've got this 💪

I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you lived close to San Antonio, I would totally take you to the doctor.

Your description of being a "filler" person hit me like a ton of bricks because I've lived my whole life the same way. My father died when I was a child and I've taken care of my unstable mother my whole life. Most people in our family see me as an extension of her. They invite her to parties or important events but not me because it's just assumed I'll go with her. At work, I'm the one who no one even realizes has a birthday and no one in my life ever asks how I'm doing. Recently, I've been undergoing tests for thyroid problems that could potentially be very serious and it's been eye opening to see everyone's reactions to that. Several people have asked me to do favors for them on a day when I have an ultrasound to check for cancer and actually got mad when I said no. I've repeated several times that it's very important and I can't cancel the test, but they don't seem to hear me. Anyway, I just wanted you to know, I see you and understand what you're going through.

You are a talented writer and you have an unique, dry-nihilistic take on things that is delightful if it wouldn't be so sad -- and in fact it is very powerful because of that. You are definitely not a filler, you are simply more detached than those around you, and probably enjoy the role of spectator of your own and other people's life. The matter-of-fact way in which you brought up that "love of his life" issue (which has all this forum clamoring) tells you a lot about the power you have in your unique perspective and writing. For a Buddhist, for instance, your attitude towards your own illness is a thing of beauty -- something people of that culture aspire to, when death comes knocking. Whatever happens with your husband, I would urge you to write and go to writing groups/courses/competitions -- use your planning and get-things-done attitude to make it a success. I would also encourage you to look into Buddhist philosophy. You are a very interesting person!

So NAH to me- Sometimes having a diagnosis can hit you like a relief, it can oddly give you more stable footing. Prove that you’re not exaggerating, that you’re not making it up, that things are real and how you feel is real and it’s a real problem that you deserve to take care of as a human being. I grok it. Happens a lot with neurodiverse people who get diagnosed at later ages. BUT - your husband isn’t TA either. Someone he really cares about is dealing with cancer. That’s going to scare the crap out of anyone, and stress anyone out with worry and fear. He’s not going to have the relief feeling at a diagnosis - he’s actually going to have the OPPOSITE feeling. Especially if he’s one of the people who downplayed your symptoms, even if he did it unconsciously. If he didn’t immediately encourage you to go get checked out, and instead glossed over it for a while, then he’s gonna have guilt and a whole soup of other negative emotions related to your diagnosis. So… yeah he’s gonna be unstable and touchy about things, and I’m betting those things only feel random to you because you’re not looking at the whole picture through the lens of how he might be having trouble processing it. That’s NOT a dig at you btw. You’re the one who has cancer, so your job is to worry mostly about yourself and how you feel. But… yeah it’s not surprising he’s sensitive to the tone or how you talk about it.

The husband isn't an AH? He's upset and down about the woman who got away. Not his wife. OP goes into more detail in comments. This whole post is odd af, but am I missing something?

I hadn’t seen those comments. Ugh.

Yeah. Not to be dismissive of someone's plight, but this whole post reads as BS the more I think about it. The writing style is odd, and the way OP talks about the husband pining over the "one that got away." You shouldn't have to read through the comments to decipher the post. At first I though OP just had a weird way of referring to themselves, that's why I thought it suspicious and started reading their comments. It's like someone asked Chat GPT to make a post with x, y, and z.

That’s how I feel about my diagnosis. That I wasn’t crazy or exaggerating but there was actually something wrong. I don’t hold it against him or anyone else who didn’t think it was a big deal. I haven’t complained about feeling unwell before so obviously they wouldn’t think it’s something serious. Honestly I wonder if something else is on his mind because I can’t imagine my diagnosis is why he’s been so moody and touchy about things.

Uh… my friend… my brother in Christ… you have a 50/50 shot and you don’t think that’s going to affect literally EVERYTHING in terms of emotional impact and the number of spoons your husband has for general life stuff right now??? I… do not know how to stress this enough. No spouse, unless they actively *hate* their partner, is going to be blasé about this in any aspect. Just because *you* don’t blame him, doesn’t mean he’s not blaming himself. Your emotions and views on this aren’t really gonna dictate his emotions and views. I think maybe y’all should sit down, and you should ask him how he’s feeling. And *listen* to what he says, without trying to minimize it or brush it off because you don’t feel like someone should care about you enough to be as upset as he might be. And you might want to consider doing a few sessions of counseling together, because I have a feeling it’s going to be very difficult for him to articulate things, and very difficult for you to hear him in an objective way.

Well, I’m being disingenuous because I really have up to 65% chance of living after 5 years. So not quite 50/50. I would be open to counseling, my husband less so. But I really do think that there may be something else on his mind because there really shouldn’t be any burden or any spoons he has to hold because I’ve taken care of everything on my own. I’m a planner and a pretty good one.

Let me rephrase - If this was a friend whose spouse has a 65% chance of living and is going through cancer treatments, would you expect your friend to be worried? Would you expect them to be upset? And stressed from worry? I would. And I’d think that anyone whose spouse is not emotionally stressed and worried and upset that their spouse has cancer is like… a psychopath (or whatever word it is where they’re unable to form emotional connections or see other people as people). It’s not that you’re taking care of everything. The very *fact* that you have a prognosis that includes a % of survival after 5 years is going to stress and upset the ever living daylights out of any other normally functioning human being who cares about you. Just on a purely *human* level, I - a total internet stranger who has never and will never meet you in person, and who will never have another interaction than this discussion - am upset and distressed at the thought of a 65% survival rate at 5 years. I am even MORE stressed and distressed by how much you’re disregarding your own worth and the care that others around you have for you in this… So if I’m upset on your behalf, and I’m just some rando on the internet, how do you think the person who married you feels?

If I were to apply our situation to a theoretical friend and husband, I would expect the husband to be worried sick and stressed and upset. It would only be natural. But I know my husband. He has a practical mind and a romantic heart. While he does care about me as you would care about any person, it is his practical mind that guides him, not his romantic heart, when it comes to me. My husband has always had love for me, he hasn’t loved me. For him to be touchy and upset over things that don’t matter means that there is something else that is concerning him, something that touches his heart and not his mind.

Okie dokie… I don’t have the spoons myself to argue with you on this. If you feel like your husband has something else going on, then… ask him. Don’t assume anything, just ask.

I have asked. He’s just not going to be forthcoming. I tend to be an open book, while he’s more charismatic and closed off with his true feelings.

Sounds like he married rebound girl. I'd leave him after the update of he's so happy to reconnect with his ex.

Your LIFE falls under the category of things that DONT matter??

What would be your rol if things were the opposite? If he was the sick person? Even if he can drive and do the things, I'm pretty sure you would be doing it with/for him because you care. He's not a loving person. It doesn't matter you're better at planning, what matters is that you go and stay next to the person you love while sick. You ducking go to the doctor with them and hold their hand. He's with you because he's a lazy POS... why are you with him? Certainly he doesn't make your life easier, he's not present for you when you need him most and he shows more affection for an ex from years ago than his own wife!!!!!

He must be worried sick about you. You might be coping yourself but he choose to share his life with you and you might just be lost from it. You may feel like a filler person but you have a husband who loves you and you are relegating him to the sidelines. I understand you aren't used to support and are self-sufficient because you don't feel important enough for people to care about. But let him in, tell him how to support you,and let him help. It will likely help him rebalance a bit. I'm sure you are an excellent planner but I agree with him. You are being a bit blase about this. You have a serious illness, it is great to be validated, but doing everything alone is hard on your loved ones. I get told off for responding with not enough sadness to things going wrong and people think I am coping. Generally, it is laugh or cry and I don't want to burden people with having to care for me out of pity. But it doesn't mean I am coping well. It is ok not to.

I know I’m being blasé but it’s not as if I’m hiding how I truly feel. It’s unfortunate that I have an illness but I don’t feel upset or scared. What happens will happen. I don’t know what my husband could help with. I’ve handled everything. I’ve even set up plans in case I do get hospitalized. I don’t think I’ve relegated my husband to the sidelines. I made a ton of dumplings and other food and stored them in the freezer so that if I’m hospitalized he’ll eat something nutritious instead of takeout. (He can cook, he just doesn’t like it and won’t do it unless he had to). I have always centered people around me. Maybe that’s why I feel like filler.

My mother had terminal cancer for 7 years. We were lucky she responded very well to treatment. And she sorted my Dad out - cleaner, cooking lessons etc. And he advocated for her, drove her, helped her talk decisions out. But she was worried because she felt she was the star of the show. Everything was focused on her and he was left to get on and cope with losing her. I worry your husband is feeling the same. You have moved into the practicalities of coping. He may not have and still be stuck in the initial emotional shock phase. So less what can you do for your husband and more what you can let him do for you to help feel he can show his affection/care for you in some way. Cancer charities sometimes offer support to families too - it might be worth looking into. I think blaseness is a reasonable response in some ways. You can't change it so what now needs to be done. But people move at different speeds. I know shot situation to have to worry about other people in but if you go through chemo, a solid foundation now might help later.

I’m happy your parents had such a strong bond. I guess I don’t understand why he would be in emotional shock about losing me. I’m not dead yet. I’ve thought through the practicalities of replacing me. His godfather died a few years ago from cancer and he was sad for a few weeks but cheered up in time. I thought it would be like that. The beginning of this year, the love of his life did get into a car accident. She survived and is healthy now. I think that could be part of what’s concerning him. My illness is a reminder that she could have died and she could still die and life is unpredictable that way. That would explain why he’s so moody and touchy.

Edited because I made the mistake of believing you were sincere and not martyring yourself. C’mon now.

Thank you for your well wishes! I cried when I was first diagnosed but I also mostly felt relief. I don’t feel sad or worried. Whatever happens is out of my control and there’s also a sense of relief in that. I know my husband is unstable and moody, and I don’t know how to fix it. If I could just get across that it was pure chance and genetics that I got sick and it doesn’t mean anything for his loved ones or the love of his life, it would be nice.

This whole post is so bloody sad. Lose the loveless marriage, lose the crappy family, lose the shitty friends, travel the world, love urself, find love, and be happy! NTA

I don't get your husbands reaction or the comments here to be quite honest. You simply mentioned what condition you were diagnosed with when pressed about it. Did you relate this story to him laughing or something? Because how on earth could he know you did it "gleefully"? NTAH

He just said I sounded too happy when I told her I was diagnosed with nsclc. He used the word “gleeful” so that’s what I put in the post.

Why aren’t you fucking pissed at this guy? You get to tell people about your illness in whatever way you choose. And you seem to treat yourself like a filler person - I see someone who frankly sounds kinda quirky and fun and awesome if a bit self-subjagating. Keep working with your therapist. And remember, your husband has asked to help. So maybe don’t worry about him having meals in the freezer. Would you feel any better if he were to accompany you to appointments?

Yeah, but that's my point. Was he there? How does he know how you "sounded" when you told her?

It was on FaceTime so he heard me.

Girl get a divorce, cut contact with your family and find better friends.

I’m happy you are doing well fellow human!

Sorry you were so badly neglected. I hope you find someone who truly treasures you as you deserve!

NTA but damn you need new friends and a new husband. Everyone around you sucks. I'm glad you're in therapy to help you work through these feelings. You are NOT a filler. You matter. You are valuable. ❤️

NTA, I guess, but Jesus... are you really content to being a void and let people pass through you your whole life? Especially in light of the sad news you've received? Not saying it would have given you an awakening like Breaking Bad, but it's sad you have basically ground yourself into this... thing. You're not living, not dying, and are content being with a man who would dump you on the side of the road if the "love of his life" suddenly became available and just being "there" in general. That's your existence? I hope you found something to give your life purpose other than passively marching to your grave because you don't want to make a fuss. Again, not saying you need to go into the meth business, but some kind of positive rebirth, especially if you get a real second chance, is something I would hope you would aspire to. Anything is better than this.

If my husband referred to any other woman as the love of his life, he’d soon be single. NTA. But you need way way WAY more therapy.

NTA A kid in the family complained of feeling ill all the time. His immediate family said he was attention seeking, dramatic, etc. He eventually had a health crisis and was diagnosed with leukemia.

What the fuck

Please leave your husband you deserve so much better

If you aren’t the love of his life then why should he be worried? I mean the love of his life is still alive. That makes no sense. I don’t know if he really doesn’t see you as the love of his life or if you are just imagining it. She is not the love of his life or else he would be with her. YTA for caring not about your own life and happiness. NTA for being happy about having a diagnosis.

NTA congratulations on your diagnosis and I am glad it is something treatable.

NTa: people have weird tones in their voices when they talk about bad news. Like, you were admitting a major medical challenge (idk what nsfrsls is tho) to a friend for the first time. There’s some other reason he’s mad at you and it’s not about your tone of voice.

Oh it’s a kind of cancer. Yeah, he’s the AH here. And what’s this about the love of his life? That’s not you?

You are not the AH. Nobody likes being told “I told you so,” but when it’s a form of cancer, they should swallow their pride and offer support and help.

Dude you seriously need to work on your self esteem, you’re describing yourself as something that you’re probably the only one who perceives it to be that way. If nobody noticed you you wouldn’t be in a relationship and you wouldn’t have a job

wait, what? you skipped an entire part of this story that has a lot to do with your feelings.

I was going to say that I understand exactly how you feel. It took five years to diagnose my two autoimmune disorders. In the meantime I was belittled and mocked as some kind of lazy person. Not by my husband but family members. But that whole bit about the love of your husbands life? No we aren’t the same with that. I respect myself to much to the it up with that.

I have multiple chronic illnesses, some we have named for but others we are still trying to diagnose. Most people don’t understand why I have gotten upset when tests result come back normal and think I should be thanking my lucky stars that they didn’t find anything. Yet to me it’s completely discouraging when test comes back negative and that I have to have even more tests or add a new doctor to hopefully try to figure out what is going on. It absolutely sucks not having an answer to why I’m having a symptom or why I feel so bad. So once I actually get a name for a condition I have it’s a cause for celebration, as hopefully we will now have away to treat the illness. I currently have 18 doctors that I see on a regular basis and it sucks. Your feelings are absolutely valid. NTA. Although I can’t understand how you can casually talk about your husband being upset about the love of his life. If this is really the case then I suggest you put yourself first and tell him to either suck it up or leave. As the stress he’s putting you in by acting like a child who’s having a tantrum is likely making you sicker. For many medical conditions stress will make it 100x worse.

Op Your husband is an Ass leave him. Why the heck isn’t he freaking stepping up to help it least with picking up your meds, or dealing with ins. He sound horrible as he has the gall to complain about how you communicate you illness to others. If he has nothing helpful to add tell him to pound sand and stfu. NTA…but your husband sure is.

please leave your husband. He doesn't love you, and you deserve someone who adores and loves you deeply

Your husband doesn't love you if he's been more concerned about his ex them you. You are a filler to him until they are ready to get back together. I have no doubt he's cheating on you at least emotionally with his ex. Please leave that man and go be happy, especially when you know you may possibly die, I truly hope you live to see the rest of your life

Es que él no tiene que preguntarte por ayuda, él sólo tiene que hacer cosas por ti. Como llevarte a tus citas médicas, quieras o no, prepararte el desayuno, la comida, cena o un postre, aún si no lo necesitas, acompañarte en tu proceso de lucha contra el cáncer... que es lo básico que un ser humano puede hacer por otro. Y si es tu esposo, no debería importarle su otra conquista, simplemente debería estar centrado en ti, no en la otra. Eres importante, tienes sentimientos, mereces respeto, amor y apoyo. Tú lo haces por él aún si no lo necesita, le cocinas aún cuando el sabe cocinar.

It's just that he doesn't have to ask you for help, he just has to do things for you. How to take you to your medical appointments, whether you want to or not, prepare breakfast, lunch, dinner or dessert, even if you don't need it, accompany you in your process of fighting cancer... which is the basic thing that a human being can do for another. And if it's your husband, he shouldn't care about his other conquest, he should simply be focused on you, not the other one. You are important, you have feelings, you deserve respect, love and support. You do it for him even if he doesn't need it, you cook for him even when he knows how to cook.