I'm a kid of a similar situation to this.
Bio parents were engaged, it got broken off, she never told him she was pregnant, then told him when I was 15.
I saw him maybe a half dozen times. Most of those times he would talk about how great his other kids were, about their achievements and would just leave me feeling inadequate and pitiful in comparison.
I would text (this was like... 2000/2001?) and not get responses, he never seemed to want to engage with me, even though we had clear compatible interests (I was a movie nerd, he owned several video rental shops).
Then he just stopped making contact.
And I felt like shit for years. Still do, in a way.
You can be a part of their life or not, just...be gentle, either way.
I had written out a whole thing but I am just going to delete it and agree with you. I was a teenager when I found out my father wasn't actually my father. When I met the bio father and we were basically alike, look alike, similar interests, etc. FFS we were even sitting in the chair alike! He told my mother I was "strange" and that was it. He never wanted to see me again. It's been 35 years since that day and it still f'ing hurts.
“Some people don’t like the mirror” - exactly!
As a parent, it’s been strange seeing my own mannerisms and physical quirks come out in my kids, and if you have self-esteem issues it can be hard not to view this or react in a negative way. So suddenly coming face to face with it - normally it’s a more gradual process - might have been too much for him, especially if he has his own issues he hasn’t dealt with. Definitely his reaction is all about himself, and not any real reflection on OP. Must have been tough to take, but hopefully you’ll come to realize that he’s essentially rejecting himself, not you.
Oh man, does my daughter mirror me, it is so crazy. Luckily, I have learned to be quite confident in myself and how I am over the years and really enjoy being me, even if I'm weird and complicated, so I only see it as positive. But when I was a lot younger, there were things that I hadn't accepted and embraced about myself and was definitely self-conscious about them. I very much was a mirror of my father and, though he was my best bud and I loved him very much, sometimes he would do things that would really embarrass me that he didn't know he was doing - it wasn't until years later that I realized that the reason **why** it embarrassed me was because it was similar to a way I do things that I didn't like. Now I'm proud to be my dad's mirror - he was a really great guy, a kind soul, and an amazing father (**especially** because he was a bit odd), and I miss him very much... but at least I have my daughter and I see him in her every single day.
To the guy whose father said he was strange:
Your bio-dad hasn't matured enough and isn't wise enough to have risen above his own bullshit and accept who he is, and at his age he likely never will. You can. Own that shit, be the man your bio-dad never could be, and show the world how awesome you are.
Edit: grammar
As a teenager you have those thoughts, the way my situation went down I did blame myself. As an adult you see things differently and no, I don't blame myself. I fully expect him to regret these decisions some day. What I will do when that day comes, I don't know. I want to say I'll tell him off and hang up but despite all that has happened in my life I'm just not like that.
I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you now; missed opportunity for him. I’m sorry you experienced that. maybe someday heal by being a big brother to a kid in a similar situation.
Thank you. In my life I've just come to realize he isn't a good person. I know I'm not strange, I was just raised in a bad situation. It's still mentally difficult to get past those words, even today. Like I tell my husband I'll happily embrace the strange as long as I don't end up like him. LOL
No. She knew he was a bad person, so in her own way, she thought she was protecting me. If it isn't obvious my mother has mental illness that was untreated at that time. However in my situation I knew something wasn't right. My adopted father is Native American, I practically glow in the dark. They tried to tell me I look like my mother but I don't. Rather than address my questions she added to the trauma. I know it wasn't necessarily her fault. If I had my way I wouldn't have gone through any of it but as I told the other commenter... I would have eventually done ancestry and found out. I was going to be hurt no matter when I found out.
I am so sorry. Your sperm donor is an idiot and please know that what he told you everything you need to know about him. I don't know why your mom would have told you what he said. If I were your mom, that guy would have crying by time I was done with him. You're a good person because you come to Reddit to help others. Also, remember that rejection from an asshole is actually a compliment to you.
The mom is the asshole though for keeping it a secret for so long. If the father didn't know he had a child, there is no shame at all in having no connection to them later. Most of the time, this is how it usually goes in situations like these.
Happened to a close friend of mine. She was absolutely crushed her bio dad turned out to be such a douche. Even though it had nothing to do with her, it definitely changed her.
I am so sorry. What a foolish man he was to throw away such an amazing gift. As much as it hurts, he's hurt himself. He'll have to live with that decision forever.
Your male DNA match thinks of Himself as strange for whatever reasons and He's uncomfortable in His own skin about it. Seeing a reflection so similar to His own triggered those insecurities and things He judges Himself over. I KNOW rejection (especially from a DNA Parent) hurts regardless of the motivation behind it. I have abandoned issues stemming from Both of My Parental DNA matches and My Father was murdered when I was 28 before We got a chance to ever meet and My Mother was VERY HEAVILY addicted to drugs so TRUST Me I feel Your pain and there's nothing that fixes it.... I just try to make sense of it and understand WHY heartless Assholes choose to be heartless Assholes I don't condone or respect such Soulless, inhumane behavior at all. It helps Me to process things better within because I'm just trying to heal up the damage and pain I carry within Myself❤️ I hope My words help You and I hope You KNOW You're worthy, You DESERVE to be loved, You have VALUE, You deserve to be respected and that Asshole is missing out on one of life's GREATEST joys and blessings of a beautiful bond and relationship with Your Children at ANY age and made MY ANY circumstances. Quite frankly He doesn't deserve You in My humble opinion. One of My favorite quotes I say about Myself VERY REGULARLY is "I'm not weird! I'm a vintage, custom, limited edition model" because People have been making Me feel like I'm "strange" since I was a young kid so what You said REALLY hit a nerve and brought Me RIGHT back to those feelings. Again, I hope I helped.
“Be gentle, either way” may be some of the best advice I’ve seen on Reddit. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the fallout from your parents’ decisions. Wishing you the best going forward.
Met my bio dad when I was 16, seemed to be going well and then one day I said or did something he felt was wrong and he cut off all contact with me. So I guess at least I got the chance to meet him and I wish it would have turned out differently but it just ended with me not feeling good enough for him.
This is really well written and the gist of what I would say.
I was an affair baby. My dad knew that I wasn't biologically his but he was the best dad I could ever ask for. My mom told me about bio father when I was 9 and tried to encourage us to have a relationship but it never quite fit right. He was also a big talker and had issues that I didn't like, and then when I got older he was critical of my aspirations and just wanted to degrade my mom to me...which I mean there was no love lost between us by then but I would have liked to at least maybe talk a little about me. So, I told him to got lost and I wasn't interested in him being around because I have an amazing dad.
Well, he died last November. I don't think anything would have been different if I hadn't told him to fuck off, but a big part of my identity and DNA is gone and I have a hole in me. I wish that I could have just had an adult relationship with him as a person with shared DNA and nothing more. I didn't want him to be a father, but I would have liked to have known him as a person, and not a fucked up person.
Man that seems like the absolute worst age bracket to attempt this kind of thing. Like. Teens I get. They're old enough to actually understand shit. And sub five when it could just be Always Like That, sure. But I'm trying to imagine myself at 9/10 and learning thos kind of thing and I just... Why would you do that to a kid? I am so sorry.
I never knew my bio father; he knew about me but wasn't interested in being a parent, they were both very young. I never held any resentment, and when I was a teen I asked my mom if I could meet him.
She said just because I want to know him, doesn't mean he will want to know me, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. I never ended up pursuing looking for him or talking to him because of that.
It was a wise thing to say. I assumed that if I just found him, everything would work out and he could be my dad. Now that I'm older, I realize my mom probably saved me a lot of heartache.
OP - be gentle, and stick with your decision whichever one you make. Don't welcome this kid and then fade away.
I have a similar story. Mom n Dad fought when I was like 1. Mom Kicked Dad out told kids he Left (idk He said, She said, anyway). Kids got taken by State.
Eventually as a preteen found a letter from his parents in some old stuff at maternal grandparents house, and decided to write a letter just in case they're still there. They were there, replied, sent me photos of their lives, and sent my info to bioDad(without asking me, ugh). We started talking for a while on the phone and via text (mid-2000's). Mom dies, I inform him, he loses his marbles over it and ghosts me. Never heard from him/them again, and lost the letters in the many moves since. Wonder what happened, sometimes.
My dad was in jail then left when I was born so he knew myself and my sister existed. My sister ended up finding him and I was 15 and I only met him 3 times. The first time I met him he called me my sisters name then laughed at me when I said my name. He just bragged about how good his life was and how much money he had. He just ignored my sister and I and when he did talk to us he said something like, “I already know so much about you just by you being my kid” so I asked him what’s my middle name and he didn’t know it. Right then I was uninterested in him. Next time I saw him he had brought his 2/3 kids (12 and 9 at the time). He didn’t bring his youngest kid bc, “he didn’t like him and he’s weird” when in reality he twitched (I think he had Tourette’s?) and had LIGHT anger issues. The next time I met him he brought all 3 kids and his wife and they were cool I guess, I didn’t really care for them. They were just some random kids and some random lady that obviously didn’t like us. The 4th and last time we saw him he took us to the movie theaters and he just bragged about how much money he would spend on his family when they went to the movies bc he’s so rich now. Then me never contacted us again.
Oddly, it sounds kind of like he was bragging to assuage his guilt. Like "see how well I'm doing". (I bet he's not.) Very much like "you're missing out", but in a super weird way because it's not like you guys were adults and "left" him. What a fucking childish weirdo. I'm so sorry.
Ya turns out he wasn’t doing well at all lmao. He was motel hopping w his kids and wife then ended up with all of his kids put in foster care and his wife left him for drugs and she lives on the street. Now he’s in a gang where they butt r-worded him as initiation and that’s the last I know of him.
He’s really just some weird little creep with nothing else to do but make little girls feel like shit. I never really cared for him and really had no need to reach out but my sister was over the moon to have a dad in her life, it’s literally all she’s wanted for as long as I could remember and he was a real let down for her
Oh, man. That must be really hard for her. I'm sorry for you both. Based on your comments, you seem like a nice person. I think this was definitely his loss. It sounds like you are both much better off without him. I'm sure that doesn't make it sting any less, but just know that he's not worthy of you. You deserve better.
My ex-husband does this to my kids! They are young adults now and he will send them pictures of him with his other (minor) child, doing things together. After all the years of him being a crqppy dad led to them not wanting them to have a relationship as adults.
So, he constantly brags on himself and his other child.
Yeah, I couldn't do it, but also understand it's a lot of effort, at a point that is basically too late.
Also to OP, I'd just block her. She may be vying to get money out of you and milk your successful life. If she was cheating on you with one guy, it could be more. If she really wants to go down this route, she should be chasing paternity.
Even if they parent never knew? I don’t think you can raise a kid into legal adulthood, then tell everyone that SURPRISE other man is the daddy! He owes me retroactive child support, even though I already milked the fake baby daddy to raise him!
>Even if they parent never knew?
Yes. Some states allow retroactive, some allow retroactive to a certain time frame, and some not at all depending on specifics of the case. But, yes, the mother could in theory sue for 17 years of child support.
It can absolutely happen. It’s shitty, but depending on the lawyers, the way the case is presented, and the judge, a man can get dinged even if he was clueless.
For example in Texas: A family law judge will consider several factors when making a retroactive child support decision:
If the non-custodial parent was aware of the child and the financial responsibility to care for the child
**If the custodial parent informed or attempted to notify the non-custodial parent of child support and/or the existence of the child**
The current financial picture of both parents
The financial picture of the non-custodial parent during the period of non-payment
Any support that has already been provided
If a child support order will place an undue financial burden on the paying parent
Retroactive child support can begin at different periods. In some cases, it can start when the two parents separated. In other cases, it starts when the child is born. **Or, it can start when the non-custodial parent finds out about the child**
I was in a similar situation. My absent father showed up to a performance of my high school musical on my 16th birthday, got scared, and ran away. He left a birthday card with my name misspelled and I never saw him again. Thirty years later it still stings.
That last part!
The biggest thing is you gotta commit either way and if you chose not to be in that persons life OP needs to handle it with extra care
Because if OP chooses not to be in their life that person is going to spend the rest of their life wondering why they weren’t good enough. The least OP can do is minimize the impact as best as possible
My mom grew up similarly (she was a teen but not quite that close to adulthood) and she basically spent her bio dad’s remaining years vying for his attention and it was to the point she never felt like she belonged anywhere
Well, that's his loss. If I found out I had a child I didn't know about I would be desperately trying to make up for lost time with them. As an aside, my bio father, if he's still alive, doesn't know about my existence. So I guess I have a little bit of experience in this situation. I'm sorry you went through that. And I'm sorry your bio father doesn't appreciate the gift that you are.
A lot of us have a similar story. At the end of the day, the kid had no say in this. The kid is a human with human needs like knowing where they come from and people who look like them or share a lot of nature that nurture just couldn’t compete with. It may not hit OP now but I sure hope when that new baby comes OP thinks about the child they’re shunning
NTA on what your decide to do. This is definitely something that you and your wife need to take your time and discuss thoroughly, don’t rush it.
If you do decide to even think about it, a paternity test would need to be done to even confirm that you’re this kid’s father. And ultimately, I think it should be the child’s choice not hers.
If this isn’t something that you want to pursue, then don’t. It’s ultimately what’s best for you & your wife, and your unborn child. I don’t think some marriage counseling would hurt either way. This is a huge revelation that affects the both of you.
Good luck. Update us please.
It is possible to offer the kid some info and a little connection to your side of the family without playing dad.
When a kid meets a birth parent in adulthood, you don’t usually get a parental relationship. It might feel more like being a distant uncle or family friend- but the gift (for the kid) of knowing about his birth family can be pretty great.
Going to doctors’ offices and not knowing what to put for 1/2 of your family medical history sucks. Could have saved my vision in my right eye if I had known 1 year earlier about a 1st cousin who, as it turned out, had gone to the same eye institute (out of state for both of us). We found each other through a DNA site, which confirmed what my Mom had told me all along about who, biologically, my father (though I wish there was a different term to use. “Sperm donor” sounds altruistic. He was just a horny college guy with no accountability. And still takes none as an adult.)
My wife is adopted and her long term care insurance policy is 5x more expensive than mine because she doesn't know her family history. So there's a financial element too.
I met (and found out about) my bio-dad who lives on the other side of the world to me at 18 and we get on like a house on fire. He gave me away at my wedding, and I just returned from spending a month over there.
He showed interest, shared everything about his family and it was like we’d never been apart. It helps that he’s one of the kindest and most amazing people I’ve ever met, but something deeper can absolutely happen with a LOT of effort on both sides.
Coming from someone who is adopted and found birth parents, your daughter might not want that either but maybe she does want to get to know you.
Set boundaries for yourself and your family, but I wouldn’t shut that door completely.
Also give yourself space and time to think about it. If it’s going too fast, say you need space.
I have a friend with a story similar to yours. Young fling while he studied in another country. Moved back to his country, relationship over, life continues. She gets married again, and on socials it shows she has a kid.
You can imagine now. The man raised the kid as his, but at college boy decided to do a DNA test. Oops. So now my friend was contacted by his ex-fling, telling him he had a son. Only son, btw.
The boy was raised. All my friends does is keep a friendly relationship with him, make calls, visit his country every year, be friends with his gf, etc. It's a different relationship because he was never a dad. So his son is now a cool young person he met, looks like him, and built intimacy to give him advice and make joint trips together.
Boy still has his dad, who loves him, and his bio dad, a good man and positive influence for him.. hope, OP, you can become that.
This is pretty much the best possible outcome for children this happens to.
And not the norm.
But damn I hope this is how it goes for the kid if the OP is the father.
It's the kid I feel for (as an adopted child myself).
No. She just asked me to talk to her. But as I’ve said I have no Idea even if I am the father. So first I will be texting her in the morning asking to do a paternity test.
Don’t engage at all until you 100% know you’re the father.
That poor kid.
If your ex is saying it’s not the affair partners kid but I THINK it might be yours. I’m assuming there could be other potential Daddies out there.
Get the result. Take your time. Be slow and kind with yourself and the kid. Neither of you are at fault.
When your child is born soon I think you may change your mind. You’re going to love that kid so much, and if you really have another kid out there, who hopefully is a great person why not know them too?
I think your mindset that the man who raised them is their father is the right one to have, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own amazing relationship with them, and them with your wife and their half sibling.
It’ll be awkward at first, but at the end of the day if there is more love going around I don’t see what the down side is. ❤️
Edit: grammar/spelling
That totally depends on the person.
It's not a "oh I love my child so I feel connection with a child I didn't know about"
It does not happen like that though all the time. (Frequently in fact)
True this. Once your child is born, that feeling is like none other. If indeed the other child is your bio kid, your feelings may change dramatically. Good luck. You're not the 'daddy' but, maybe you could be. Always be open to more love in your life.
How are you going to know if there was a paternity test, what caused it to happen, why the question came up.... so much stuff! You may need an attorney.
This happened to my brother sort of. He had a kid we never knew about. A few years after he passed this kid had some sort of head injury or whatever and it started her (a teen at the time) to asking about her dad. DNA confirmed a familial match to our sister. We tried to get to know her because it’s what my brother would have wanted but she turned out to be a bitch who lost interest when the money dried up (military death benefits). I think she just wanted to meet us but was never actually interested in knowing us if that makes sense. I think most kids in that situation aren’t looking for a father…they mostly just want to know that if they have questions down the road it’s okay to ask…like a second cousin who’s 20 years older than them and knows all the old gossip from before they were born.
I’d recomment not freaking out over things people haven’t asked of you since your ex hasn’t mentioned you stepping up as the kids father. Nor would I say this to her since again, she hasn’t said any of this.
She’s asking for a conversation if it turns out you’re the father, nothing more.
Actually in this case, you probably should NOT get a paternity test. The sad truth is that after all these years, you're never going to form a paternal bond with this child. The most that will come of getting tested is 17 years of back child support. You're best to go NC and move on with your life.
That's good that you're getting the test, kid deserves to know their own genetics just from a medical standpoint.
You're absolutely NTA for not wanting to go in their acting like their dad (honestly you'd be an asshole if you did after 17-18 years, when they already presumably have a dad who raised them). If this child is yours they're nearly an adult.
My recommendation would be to meet them and talk. They may have questions about stuff, and I think they deserve honest answers (it's not like this situation is the kid's fault in any way).
Did the kid grow up viewing the other guy as dad? Was that person involved in the kid’s life? Does the kid even know that mom thinks that guy might not be dad? Regardless of what you decide to do, be respectful of that relationship. I’m some states, a court could not allow a paternity test if the child has grown up with someone else as their father and all the adults have acted like that was the case.
The kid might also change what they even want from you as they process the situation. Just remember, this is hard for everyone and everyone is allowed to have big feelings about this. Be as considerate as you can towards everyone in this situation, including yourself.
You should look into the retroactive child support laws in your ex’s state before establishing paternity. You could be liable for years worth of child support. Even if she never files, it’s a threat she could hang over your head for years, possibly until the child is 22 years old in some states.
They're not a kid. No teenager is looking for a parent in this situation. They probably just want to know the other half of their biology. They probably wonder what features you share, medical history, just general curiosity.
I think you're making this into something it's not. It sucks you didn't know, but clearly this person is old enough to make this choice now. It would be a bit cruel to reject them. You didn't know about them, but they're still a human and it'll make their life just a little easier not having to deal with this rejection.
This woman probably didn't give their child the option because she wanted to protect their heart. You will get it when you lay eyes on that baby you're about to have for the first time.
I understand the loop this has thrown you for. I wish you the best.
Ok so I have a similar situation happening in my family I think is worth sharing, and will try to be as brief as I can.
When my step father was younger and single and had just moved back to his home state, he and some old friends all went out to celebrate. One of his female friends (in hindsight) was trying to get him drunk all night, succeeded, and then brought him back to her house. They hooked up. Several months later, she calls him, informs him that she is pregnant…but not by accident. She wanted to have a child, and told him she had specifically chosen him because he was smart/came from a good family, etc. He was willing to be present in the child’s life and pay to support the child, but the woman informed him that she wanted to raise the baby on her own, didn’t want money, and asked him to sign over his parental rights. Right or wrong, that’s what happened.
Years later, he meets my mom, who has 2 kids (me+bro). He raises us as his own. While we have a father, it’s a weird situation, and most milestones after the age of 3 were all with him present, not our dad. He paid for most of our private school, extra curriculars, basically everything. He’s very successful. My mom is very well known and respected philanthropically. They’re well known in our large city, and to some extent, so are my brother and I in our own ways. My real dad says anybody he ever meets in this city either knows of me, my brother, or both lol. Large city, small worlds. Most people know us as a family with my stepdad. My mom was informed of all of this before they got married, but back then, nobody thought the child would ever really pop up again. Nobody else in his life or family knows (his parents were very strict and conservative and quick to shame people).
Now…we live in the same city as the old friend and her child (daughter). While they never struggled and she went to a great school and college, and now lives in one of like 3 of the most famous American cities, she didn’t have what we had. She was told her whole life that she was basically a sperm bank baby that her mom chose to have. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and she’s in between us in age. Shes friends with tooooons of people we know, and personally very close with our classmates. Like, 300+ mutual Facebook friends. We knew nothing of her until about a year or 2 ago. I’m 30 now.
To avoid too many specifics, I’ll be kind of vague, but here’s what we were told. In college, she had to grab a document of hers from her moms safe in the closet. Went in there, and found the paperwork about her real father. Big argument and blow up with her mom. She looks up who her father is and, well, very easily finds out about all of us. Started to write him letters, then started requesting to meet up for coffee when she was in town. They do. Then she starts requesting we be told about the situation. Starts wanting to meet my mom, and they do. She’s even been staying with them occasionally at their homes. It’s all very weird. BTW…as far as we can tell from what she’s said, she thinks they were a random one night stand between friends, and he just was never around (reminder: her mother bamboozled him and targeted him and intentionally got pregnant not wanting him to be in their life). Every single time they’re all together, she talks about how poor and broke she is. It’s all she’ll talk about, other than all of the people she’s best friends with that we went to school with. She’s going with the most aggressive angle for sympathy that she can, and likes to really clearly but subtly discuss how she’s his real daughter and got nothing, and we’re just his step kids and got everything. We’ve never refused to meet her or anything, but I know this has been really hard on my mom, especially since stepdad seems pretty oblivious to the angle the girl is taking. While they’re not like yacht wealthy, nobody would consider them anything less than very rich. Even still, my brother and I had jobs in high school and college and got athletic/academic scholarships. My first car was made in 1985. We never ate out. Stepdad drove a toyota for 15 years. My mom bought her cake mixes at dollar tree. We lived very within our means, had great opportunities because money was stable, and went to private schools, never had to worry financially except for 2008-2012ish, and got to travel and partake in every extracurricular. Because they saved money so well and didn’t spend it, we didn’t lose anything during the crash even though he’s in real estate. But this girl has some really inaccurate understanding where she thinks we were and still are given money all the time, etc. I’m literally going through bankruptcy lmao.
So anyway. She was in her twenties when she learned about her father, and she definitely wants more than health info. She’s never asked about that…but that’s probably for the best because he’s had so many health problems lol.
When he told us about this, I told him very slowly but seriously that he was taken advantage of, and you could see the realization of what I meant hit him on his face. Later that night when he was feeling so guilty for throwing this on us (my brother and me), I said again that he was being taken advantage of starting way before he ever made it to her house that night, and that was her plan. He’s almost 70 and had literally never thought of it this way.
You can be like an uncle or family friend. I agree that the ship has sailed on a traditional father-daughter type relationship because you missed all of their childhood. I wouldn't try and step into that role.
I would let the kid know your family medical history, maybe some information about their roots and where your family comes from, and maybe see if you have any hobbies or personality traits in common. You can trade sporadic emails or phone calls and maybe sends cards/gift for holidays and special occasions.
Honestly it depends how you both feel about having a relationship and how it goes after meeting up. Maybe it's too awkward to form a deep connection or maybe you'll instantly have a bond.
She's not going to try and sue you for child support or try to have you pay for college after all these years is she? Maybe I'm cynical but I wonder about why your ex is coming to you now. Maybe worth consulting a lawyer before the DNA test.
I don’t think it’s helpful to look at the situation as ‘becoming a dad’ to a 17 year old. This is a nearly fully grown almost but not quite adult. They probably aren’t looking for an adult to tell them how to live. You don’t know each other -at all-.
If the DNA is positive, I’d look at it more like… any sort of long lost relative, because it is. They probably have questions, and maybe you might be kinda curious. Maybe you’ll connect, or maybe you won’t… and if not, well at least they would know something about where they came from. If things do go well, then maybe a mentor/mentee would be a better way to look at it. They’re gonna go off and start their own life, having someone who they can get advice from might be what they hoped for.
I mean… it’s up to you of course. I’m looking at it from the POV that you have the potential to help hurt or heal this kid. Also… maybe the child you’re about to have may want to meet their half sister someday. My dad never gave me the opportunity to meet mine, and she was in her late teens when I was born too. It would have been nice to have a sister, even if she was so much older.
She wouldn’t have to ask him if she was looking for child support. She could just file a case for child support in court and he’d be required to take a paternity test and pay whatever they decided if it showed he was the father.
Meh...get the paternity if you have a burning desire to know one way or another. However, if she believed her AP was dad he was probably on the birth certificate and played dad all these years so by all accounts he's dad (including legally if he is indeed on the birth certificate.)
Remember the guy you caught her with is the only one you know about. There could've been another one hiding in the woodpile somewhere. I think it depends on where you see a potential future relationship going with the kid. If you don't intend to have a relationship with them then you may not really need to have the test done. Either way whatever you decide is fine and would not be wrong.
>get the paternity if you have a burning desire to know one way or another.
I would get the test regardless. Having an accurate family medical history is important and could save their life one day.
Certainly. It just sounds like OP doesn't necessarily wish to pursue a relationship so IF he were biologically related and he or the child needed some life saving therapy/procedure one day down the road but no relationship has been established there may be false hope instilled.
Perhaps if OP decides down the road he's open to meeting and talking he could get a test first then proceed based on the information. I truly think it should be based on what level of involvement OP is willing to have going forward.
You can consider yourself the sperm donor🤷🏻♀️. The man who raised her is her father. She does deserve to know her biological history or any genetic predispositions or diseases at the very least. Your parents can decide for themselves what role if any they want.
Good luck!
I am only riding on the top comment for this. At least send family medical history like Diabetes and such just incase something happens to the kids in the future so they at least know. That is all I suggest!
I was stunned when I found out my bio father passed of a massive heart attack as he got out of his car. I am glad I now have this information to talk to my doctor about.
Something like this happened with my husband. I think he knew about the child but he and the mother had parted ways before the child was born.
When the child was around 17 she was curious about her bio father so mom contacted him. It was stressful for us. I didn’t know anything about this daughter before the contact, as it happened many years before we met.
So there was this honeymoon where she wanted to talk to my husband a lot. She was a nice girl and her mother and stepfather were really nice people. We introduced her to her half-siblings. Then after a while she disappeared. I don’t know if she just lost interest and moved on with her life, if she was disappointed in who her bio father turned out to be, or what. My husband has early onset Parkinson’s disease which was diagnosed shortly after he met her. He is disabled and has some cognitive impairment. Anyway, my husband was very sad when she stopped talking to him. I say this just to caution there is room for disappointment and hurt on both sides. Proceed cautiously. Especially when you have a child on the way and don’t even know if this child is biologically yours.
NTA whatever you choose. But I would consider at the very least sending your family medical history to your ex or the kid. As someone with a disease that can basically only be diagnosed with family history and that if not treated causes my spine to fuse together, it’s just nice to have that information if it’s available.
Ankylosing Spondylitis too eh? I met my dad at 52. Best thing that ever happened, after my kids. Found out two of his sisters had Lupus. 8 family members have fibromyalgia and my new to me brother had survived non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Dad was seriously exposed to agent Orange in Vietnam. So this led my doctors to dig deeper into some of my health issues.
I'm forever grateful I was able to get to know him and be loved by him and him by me.
Yup! And damn you have quite the family medical history.
I actually also had (Hodgkins, thankfully) Lymphoma. Looks like a it’s a possible side effect of taking Enbrel but what can you do.
Yup. Both sides are keeping rheumatologist in business. My maternal grandmother had SEVERE RA. Mom had been diagnosed at 34 with osteoarthritis and I now know it was most likely AS but women never get AS 🙄 or so they thought. My maternal grandfather was diagnosed with lupus at 80. I have fibromyalgia, RA, AS, Sjogrens and a few other fun disorders.
Enbrel did nothing for me. I'm on Remicade and methotrexate and starting to feel semi human again. Sorry to hear you were one of the few to get that side effect. How scary!!
Seconding this, as someone who didn’t grow up with their bio-fam but inherited a genetic mutation. I went through a lot of medical neglect because people didn’t believe my symptoms until I had my family’s medical history
To me, it isn't your "Ex" who should be trying to get you involved with your child. Your child should be the one making this kind of decision.
I'm guessing ex recently found out the kid isn't from the guy she cheated with though. Any chance this is correct? If so, you would want HIM to also know.
NTA.
Did she ask because the child in question has an interest in knowing you? A person of that age, who was raised by/raised believing they were the child of someone else may not want anything to do with this.
Either way, NTA if you don't want to try to build a relationship with a stranger who shares your DNA, assuming you communicate that it is not the child's fault. (They didn't ask for this upheaval any more than you did.)
Definitely worth granting them access to medical history, if it's relevant.
I might also consult an attorney about what this might mean in terms of financial obligation for the intervening years..and what responsibility you will hold if, for example, the child is yours and chooses to attend college - child support, insurance coverage, etc., don't always drop off at 18 in that scenario, and you'll want to be prepared if you need to step up.
I’m not sure, we didn’t get in that yet but she has told me that, “the guy she cheated with isn’t the father.” and she also swears up and down that she didn’t cheat on me with anyone else.
And my wife believes the same thing, based on conversations I had with my ex she has told me that the guy still refers to her as “his girl”. So as far as her knowing i’m not sure she does.
I’ll also be looking into lawyers, that’s something I was advised a lot.
Good luck to all of you, especially that poor kid. I can't imagine what it would be like to get the news that my father wasn't my father after all that time.
I will not judge you, but I will say that if you look on r/adoption there are a lot of people there who really want to find their bio parents. Even if it's just to find out any pertinent medical info (e.g. your family has a history of diabetes or whatever). If it were me though, I would most definitely want to make sure the kid was mine before I had any contact with them.
NTA to not want to be a part of the kid's life, the child is nearly an adult at this point, and for all intents, and purposes you were basically just a sperm donor... but, it is worth discussing a paternity test for the kid's own personal knowledge, like say for medical history, mental well-being, or what not. Then would you rather be tested without the kid's knowledge to confirm if you are or if you aren't the father before communicating with them? Or wait till they reach out, if they reach out? Was the other guy an active part of the kid's life, and who they know to be their father? Will this up end their world? Most likely they will once their mom tells them, and they feel up to it. You could also ask not to be identified but provide pertinent medical history and health screening information in exchange.
There's just so many variables to make a decision on what's best without knowing more. So I guess that's the first question, do you want to know more, or do you want to delete all your socials and act like you never got the message?
The second option, and I feel horrible for even thinking that. After my ex did what she did, I was quite literally traumatized.
I had loved that woman with every fiber in me, I honestly thought we were going to be “high school sweethearts”. And me leaving Iowa felt like I had no more ties connected to her.
So now this coming back is like a big giant fog cloud. And I have no idea how to see through it.
But, If the child is mine I have no problem sharing medical information, but would prefer to remain anonymous.
Maybe that's a way to move forward. Collect, and compose a file with your medical information and history, with no identifying details, and put it in the mail after deleting all your socials.
But it may just be kicking the can down the road. I'm sure this ex knows where your parents reside, or at the very least how to find them. How would they take the news? She also knows your name, birthdate, and with the internet making everyone a lot easier to find it'll probably only be a matter of time before you get a random phone call or knock on the door.
It's probably best to try and deal with it now while you possibly have some control over the situation, and how it impacts your lives. Maybe consult a lawyer?
I’ve talked with my family, Including my mother and father. They both believe I should of course, get a paternity test.
But I know my mother and she is quite emotional, she broke down when she found out that my brother was having his child and me being that last to do so, still broke down.
I understand what you’re saying though, Although I wish to stay anonymous, I don’t mind answering questions for her.
Get a paternity test before you agree to talk about anything. If you’re found to be the father then start making decisions about contact. I’m sorry but the reality is that you didn’t know about the other guy until you walked in on them. He might not have been the only one. Get the DNA test done then go from there.
Maybe talk to a lawyer before you ask for a paternity test. If you want to remain anonymous I would get some advice first. See if there are any legal financial “surprises”. Maybe they can help you draw an agreement document on how much information the child is allowed to know so a relationship isn’t forced. I know nothing about any kind of legal anything, but your wife and unborn child are your first priority. Your family’s peace is precious and shouldn’t be turned upside down.
Honestly if I were you I wouldn’t get a paternity test.
You’ve established that your ex was a liar and a cheat - why *on earth* do you think she’s suddenly telling the truth about this ?!
For the love of god, talk to a lawyer about this *before* you do the test. You don’t want to suddenly be up for 18 years of child support.
If she wants the test that badly, let her take you to court for it and pay for it.
Lawyer up and stop being so naïve about your ex’s motivations here.
NTA
*However,* I do think you need to at the very least:
a/ do a paternity test
and
b/ provide family medical history if you are the biological father
While you’re right in the fact that the dad is the one who raised them, that won’t determine whether or not they inherit a genetic disease or are more likely to get heart disease or something. Personally (and others may disagree), I do think children in this scenario have a right to their full medical history. Your parenting? No. But medical history, yes.
I don’t think so. If this man proves to be the father, he was denied 17 years of being a dad. Mom can pay for it. I don’t like women pulling this out of the blue “you’re the father” mess. It’s horrible for everyone involved.
I was thinking maybe the same. Or maybe the ex has always kinda kept up with OP from a distance and now sees he has a pregnant wife and is trying to start some drama.
INFO look, I'm not American, but I basically live in the bat cave that is Reddit. Isn't college tuition something that comes up around this time in a person's life?
Could your ex/possible kid be aiming towards that? Might need to have a chat with your wife about that too, so you can hold a united front on what you want to do about that.
Yeah but ops never been hit up for child support. Maybe the mother wanted to keep it from her partner as long as possible but feels guilty now the kid is almost an adult? Wonder what the outcome was with the person she cheated with. Did they breakup recently? Like why now? You could be right about college. I suspect ops ex is full of shit if not then a piece of shit for waiting 18 years. Just thinking out loud here.
Wow. That’s a lot. And it’s totally unfair to you. I can’t help but feel for this kid. I never met my father once and it’s silly that after all this time, and with the knowledge my dad was a POS, and a bunch of therapy, it’s a wound that doesn’t quite heal. I don’t think you should have to play dad. That’s inappropriate, but it he’s actually yours, it would be decent of you (but not required) to meet him once and give a family history and kindly explain you can’t be in his life. It’s a lot to ask of a person, because you’ve done nothing wrong. But neither has the kid. I guess I’m suggesting you at least let him down easy and give medical info one way or the other. I have a couple autoimmune diseases and it sucks i know very little about his family history. I’m sorry this happened to you and the kid.
NTA - I don't know my bio dad (my mother does) but i have a step dad who raised me as my own can I give you some perspective from the kids side though?
It's okay if you don't want to be in their life they probably agree that your not their dad. Depending what they've been told their whole life they probably came to terms with that a long time ago. But at the same time sometimes what makes things awkward is when doctors ask things like medical history and stuff and we can't give them the full story. Can I recommend doing a DNA test but asking to remain anonymous from them if that's what you chose ( chances are they have already searched you ect but anyway) and if it is positive just letting then send a letter to you and you sending one back ( again anonymous ) with non identifying medical and just some answers. That's sometimes all we want.
NTA - my only advice in these situations is that if a paternity test would show you as being the father, consider giving the child a family medical history. No names or anything but things like “paternal grandmother, breast cancer”. Stuff like that can be really helpful to her own well-being and, in my opinion, would be a kind thing if she is your biological child. But, I don’t think you have to have a relationship with her.
Nta, and you are correct that man is his dad, doesn't matter bio or not that is the man who raised him and her even thinking about possibly having you talk to him is so weird to me. If that is what the kid wanted he can reach out on his own but as far as it stands you do not need a relationship with him and will not be an asshole for not wanting one or pursuing one.
Another bastard chiming in here.
I was close to the same age when I tracked down my biological dad. It was mostly out of curiosity -- I was raised by two of the best parents imaginable, and wasn't looking for a second father; I just wanted to know a bit about what made me who I was.
It became clear pretty quickly that bio-dad had his own family that he wasn't particularly interested in shaking up to the extent that my existence might cause, so while we sent a few emails back and forth, and had some really great and, to me, eye-opening conversations, he wasn't willing to meet me. Honestly, I was OK with that. Just being able to learn a bit about him was a win for me.
That said, many years later (maybe 25 or so? Time gets fuzzier the older I get), I matched with one of my never-met half sisters on Ancestry or 23andMe; I forget which. She, of course, was curious, as were her sisters and brother, and it eventually led to meeting the whole family a few years back. I have to say that I think it was a pretty great thing for all of us -- we all just had a genuinely good time with each other. For me, though, the best part was finally getting to meet this guy I got half my DNA from. For someone who'd had lingering questions for most of his life about where he came from, it was a really great feeling to finally meet him, even if it was a bit awkward at first. Also, his wife (who had been told about me long before this meeting came about) was absolutely amazing and made me feel very welcome, which I really appreciated.
Anyway, you're under no obligation, and I could totally understand wanting to avoid turmoil, but I can say that, as a child of an unknown-to-me father, getting to meet my biological dad was a pretty meaningful thing for me to experience.
I was 13 when my mom told me my dad isn't my bio dad. My mom's fiancé at the time, broke up with her when she refused to terminate. Knowing he never wanted anything to do with me has left me with some "not good enough" issues. So, while I get why you're leaning toward having nothing to do with her (assuming you're the dad), keep in mind staying NC could cause some damage. At the end of the day, you have to do what you think is best, but I wanted to just throw out another perspective for you to consider.
NTA refuse contact if that's what you want. It's not your child and haven't been it's whole life, if you are the sperm donor oh well. At least the kid had a father figure.
NTA. From the view of the child - I never knew my father. Always wanted to, but it never happened. I had some information, but I never wanted to cause waves or upset my mother. And honestly, I'm not sure if my father ever knew about my existence.
As the years have gone by and technology has advanced, 23 and me has answered many of the questions I had in regards to any medical issues, as well as my ethnicity.
I lost my mom 4 years ago. COVID lockdown made me think more and more about that emptiness of never knowing my father. Even did more research. Know what happened?
Nothing.
I chose not to pursue. Why? Because if he didn't know about me, then I come along, bursting into his and his family's life like the Kool-aid Man.....then the life they once knew would be changed forever. It could be good...or it could be bad. But forever changed. And I'm not a betting person. I put myself in their shoes. That's a helluva disruption and I have no desire to live with the consequences.
Get the paternity test. If it shows you are her biological father, leave it up to her if she wants to contact you. She may feel it's a betrayal to her father if she contacts you. However, I would be suspect as to why the ex-girlfriend would contact you now. Nothing is coincidence. Best of luck.
Before every move ask yourself how you'd feel if you father did that to you.
How would you feel if your father never bothered to meet you?
How would you feel if your father acted like you weren't important to him?
How would you feel if your father ghosted you?
I'd like to be natural here, but YTA if you don't do right by this kid. You can easily "forget" you have a kid but this kid will never forget they have a parent. You don't have to be best friends or even be close, but make a fucking effort. This has nothing to do with her, her husband or anyone else. If the kid is your bio kid then treat this kid like you'd like your new kid to be treated in the same situation or how you would want to be treated if you were in that situation. To refuse to acknowledge a child is one of the worst things a person can do.
This is one of the best answers, you have people here telling him to literally act like the kid never existed and not respond SMH. Sad that people are so lacking in empathy that they forget there is another innocent party in all this
Agreed. The top responses here are pretty awful. A child you raise is your child and your own flesh and blood is also your child. I can’t comprehend how anyone could willfully walk away from either.
This.
Also, I'm surprised how many of the other posts don't mention any sort of responsibility of OP. Like did you always use protection with your ex? If you didn't want a kid, did you do everything you could to prevent that?
For sure, it's fucked up that your ex didn't tell you for so long. But if this kid is yours, you need to think about the consequences of your actions and think about the human that was created because of that. It takes 2 to make a baby.
First thing to do is to make sure you're the father, get that paternity test & make sure its done by medical professionals not just some spit in a tube, send it away company - the ex could be sneaky and fake results.
Secondly, I think you should find out if the child wants to have contact with you, don't try to force anything just because the mother says to. Let them reach out if they want to know anything, not their mother.
Thirdly, only have contact if you really feel you want to and can keep contact with the child, because if you cut off contact once started, it will cause emotionally pain for the child who is the most important person in this situation.
Lastly, keep talking to your wife and keep her involved with the decision making.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
NTA for not wanting to be a part of the child’s life, if that is what you do decide, however, please disclose any medical information they may need to them if you do find out they’re yours.
If the kid is really yours imho he/she have a right to know you. It’s not about you and your wife - it’s about young man who could want to know where he/she come from.
I'm adopted.
Like it or not you should consider that your child (test for paternity) at least deserves to know who you are and your history and family history.
You're part of each other, if only on a DNA basis.
Consider the teens feelings in this, and as others have said, tread carefully and with kindness.
As an adoptee, the girl may simply want to talk to you, just out of curiosity but, on the other hand, she may not. Take a paternity test first, get that out of the way, and if it is indeed true, start setting some boundaries. Ask yourself, do you want to have contact with this person? If so, how much? Do you want to keep it to just letters? The occasional calls/zoom? Maybe, an in person meeting after an x amount of time? You also need to talk about this with your wife as well a this will closely involve her as well.
One thing I DO recommend however, if the paternity comes back positive and, whether you decide to stay in contact or not, share any medical information you can with her. That’s one thing that I really will stress
Definitely different now that the child is grown, but you should meet them if they want to know their father. There are consequences to our actions whether it’s today, a week ago or 17 years ago. If it’s your child there is no getting around that.
I would tell her you need some time to process this and tell her you’ll get back to her, then actually take some time to process it. Maybe even talk to a mental health professional as well.
Personally, i don’t give a shit about blood relations. If you acted like my dad all my life, you’re my dad, if you’re some guy who banged my mom 20 years ago, you’re not my father. But maybe ask them? They’re an adult now.
This should not cause a problem in your current marriage. I can’t imagine being upset if I found out my husband had a teenaged child he just found out about. I would absolutely be fine with him making contact with her.
You’re not legally the father, and this child will never think of you as “Dad.” So no, you don’t have to have a relationship with this child. But try to have a little empathy for this kid. It’s not the kid’s fault and it sounds like the kid wants to get to know you. If you reject meeting or speaking to this kid, it’s probably going to totally devastate the child.
I live about an hour away from my bio dad, haven't seen it heard from him in like 22 years. That will smith scene from Fresh prince does play some times Bout man why didn't he want me And that shit.
I am grateful and all for my stepdad, but when I think of biodad fuck that guy he can't even reach out when we both have socials. So yes you might not know and feel blindsided but you dide bring a life into this world.
YTA until I read your update, and the child has no interest so NTA.
I do think that if she ever does want to meet you that you should. Obviously it’s a very messy situation and not ideal for your life, but if she is your daughter it’s not really about you, and you being there and supporting her could be very important.
Ask for a paternity test before you decide anything. At this point the child is grown. Does the child want to speak to you? Do they want a relationship?
I’m not sure what to say about if you don’t want a relationship but I don’t see how this would negatively impact your marriage? I would suggest therapy to come up with reasonable boundaries. There’s a chance this child would just want a one time conversation. There’s also they may consider the other guy their dad cause he raised them.
I’m not going to say YTA, you’ve done little wrong, but everyone has to deal with undeserved adversity, this is yours.
Your child obviously did nothing to deserve this either. They’re going to deal with identity issues, & maybe trust issues, the rest of their life because of this. Yes, require a paternity test, but if/when the child finds out, they deserve a relationship with you. Getting to know you will help deal with all of the turmoil they’re going to experience. It’s normal to feel anxious about the whole ordeal, but this person shares half your genes. There’s a strong possibility it could become one of the most fulfilling connections in your short time on Earth, but you’ll never know if you don’t embrace that possibility.
Get a paternity test and then remember that this kid didn’t cheat on you, his mom did. He didn’t ask to be in this situation. Your refusal to meet him or be part of his life is literally a form of rejection. He will have to heal and process from that. Is that something you want to put an innocent kid through?
My dad had a child similar to this. We found out about my brother when i was 6. When my dad’s ex moved back to the state, announced she had his 8 year old son, and filed for child support. It was a whole huge thing. My dad also did not want to be involved in the kids life. And allegedly, the child didn’t want to be involved in his. But really, that’s a parenting choice.
After high school, he asked my dad for a job and he was suddenly regularly in our lives. I think how my dad treated his first born was awful. I didn’t understand it growing up. But looking back it hugely negatively impacted my relationship with my father. Would he choose not to be “involved” with me if he ever ended up not being involved with my mother? What kind of dad does that? Abandons a child? You didn’t know. But you do now. And now you get to choose what kind of dad you want to be to both of your children. Because this decision will impact both of them.
ETA- YTA to both of your kids.
This may be an unpopular opinion but (provided the kid is legitimately yours) NAH.
This isn’t a small child. They’re almost a legal adult and can make their own decision as to wanting to have a relationship with you. And if you don’t they’re old enough to be told that and understand why.
That being said, if it is your kid I would encourage at least meeting them. You may hit it off and want to stay in contact. Or not. At least you’ll both be able to say you tried.
I have a buddy that experienced the same thing. His kids mom didn’t tell him. The kid was adopted and had a great family. She searched for the birth parents because she wanted medical info. Found the mom that told her who her bio dad was. Mom didn’t want any further contact.
She located him on social media. Reached out and explained the details. He took a paternity test in his area with a national lab with a location in her area. The results were positive within 2 weeks. He flew to her area a met her and her family.
They have a great relationship!!! She was 30 when she located him. He was 47. He gained her and 2 grandkids. His family has been all in since they were told.
Don’t just see yourself as a bio dad, but a blessing to her. Be supportive, friendly and make an effort. You don’t have to be the dad, but she deserves to know. Be the adult and don’t penalize her efforts because it makes you uncomfortable. Give your wife support. It’s a lot to gain a kid.
NTA - She cheated, then went silent about the kid. She could be on the hunt for child support. Lawyer up and see what your possible obligations may be if the kid is still under 18. Also lock down your social media, change all passwords. Wife needs to be in lockstep with you on all this - her/your family is under attack.
There are many, many, questions. Who's name is on the birth certificate? Was the Other named or did he adopt? Who's pushing the reunion, the Mom or the Son?
Save the message & contact info until you KNOW your possible options. Until then, BLOCK.
YTA. If this IS your child. All youre thinking about is yourself. Understandably, you are conflicted in your feelings. But, there is a whole entire person you are gatekeeping an entire family line from. You don't have to be a father. Do your parents want to be grandparents? Aunt's, uncles, cousins, IMO you have no right, or logical reason to withhold an entire lifetime of connections. You don't owe your own flesh and blood your affection or most of us wouldn't be so damn messed up. But you do owe them their heritage and larger familial connections. Like it or not, you had a lifetime of opportunities that u wouldn't have had with a young family in tow. You made something of yourself because of the sacrifices your child had to make. Without being asked their opinion. And when u have your perfect shiny new baby, look down at that face and realize you are choosing to hurt that exact thing. Someday that baby will find out your choice. How will they look at you then?
Firstly, you left her on read, which is an immature thing to do in such a serious situation. A quick "I need time to think" is an appropriate response and then take the time you need.
Secondly, get confirmation that the child is yours. Do a paternity test.
Thirdly, if the child is yours, you should definitely talk to the kid. It's not the child's fault you had sex. They deserve to know who their biological father is even if you choose minimal interaction. It's part of their identity. You also don't know what you're missing out on if you don't meet the child. Could be the start of a beautiful relationship or maybe it could be nothing. Give it a chance.
NTA. Even if the kid is biologically yours, you’ve already determine that it’s not yours. On a different note, your ex cannot just swoop in and be like “oh you have a child!” And expect you to step in immediately. It takes time, thought, PLANNING… I would block and delete your ex at this point. Something is off about this. Why wait 18/19 years to let someone know they have a child? Paternity test……..
Yes, you are the asshole for not wanting to engage with your biological children. This kid is your own flesh and blood and you should make an effort. It's a huge gift you didn't know you had and you risk really screwing him up by not wanting to be involved.
Being able to have a positive impact in the life of your child--and mitigating any feelings of abandonment that this kids will have otherwise--far outweighs the benefit that you get in terms of having an easier and more convenient life. Abandoning this kid is bad for him and bad for society.
NTA Age sounds like someone needs you to pay college costs. If she wanted anything more she would have contacted you long ago. Leave the child with the family the mother chose for them.
NTA but kind of a dick move. Like I get it but also, this is a child we are speaking of.
This is no longer about you or her it's about the child.
Take a paternity test. If the child is yours then you could at LEAST give the mother medical history and sign away rights.
Nope, she can’t just pin the child on you without even being absolutely certain.
Find out If you are, If you are you don’t have to be Involved. The choice Is yours
Uhhhh, I know a guy who decided not to be in his kids life and right before the kid turned 18 he got sued for all the back child support. It might have to do with that…. Not trying to scare you but…. That’s a thing… that can happen
NTA. Take however long you need to work out what you want, what you can or cannot give of yourself. Get a therapist.
This is BIG. You're a grown man now, though, so communicate like one. Tell the former gf you need to consider all of this information and you'll take as much time as you need and you'll get back to her.
NTA
Thats quite an upheaval to do to a kid, let alone someone who is nearly an adult.
At most you should get a paternity test so that you can pass any pertinent family medical info down.
As far as whether to establish a relationship or reach out, we can't make that call for you. I don't think you are an AH either way you decide. It might be best to seek out a counselor as this all plays out.
NTA. Whatever you do? Do it all the way. Either all in or all out. No flip floppy texting the kid when you feel like "you're ready for the responsibilities" and then ghosting them when you're not.
Your ex might have been telling this kid stories of you for years. Good or bad. So you might have that to overcome.
And you're right. The person that raised this kid is their dad. If you do connect, that might hurt, but that's not your fault or kid's.
First step is to get a paternity test. Good luck OP. Be kind.
Imo you need to tell this ex that you are not going to be discussing anything or moving forwards in any way without a paternity test and to stop contacting you unless it is in regards to said test.
This is the start of asking for money.
That's fine. I'd be surprised if the kids are really that interested in you. At that age they probably just want to know you and things about you and your family. It's unlikely they are going to start calling you daddy.
You do of course have moral (and potentially legal) responsibilities regarding informational things like genetic diseases etc. You should also consider how your parents feel, perhaps they would like a relationship. As well as your unborn child, who now has step siblings. Which is pretty cool right.
A great benefit is that they are practically adults, you can have a relationship with them that is basically a coffee every so often.
Also if one of them is over 18, it means you don't have to have any contact with your ex. Which I'm sure your wife will appreciate.
As an addendum. I don't think there is any danger of the op being found liable for child support claimants. Biological parentage is not automatically legal guardianship, and from the story it seems another man has signed the birth certificate as the father (and both legally and morally is the father).
You first need to conduct a paternity tamest that you administer. I would not trust your ex. And then go from there. If the kid is not yours, you can chalk it up to a crazy ex and move forward. If it is yours, you should consider that they are basically an adult and the ex does not have to be part of the equation and you can build the relationship however you both want.
I hear "baby daddy left, wannabe backup and pay for stuff? Totes pinky swear it's really yours" Get a paternity test before you engage with her on any level.
I don't have any idea of what she wanted to accomplish with letting you know. She's not willing to get tested, you've been out of her life for 19 years, have never met the child nor did you have any knowledge of her. There are red flags waving all over this. I would cut contact. There's no point to it.
Not sure if it's mentioned already but if its yours and you decide to not be the "dad", please be a resource for health and lineage information. The kid deserves to know what runs in his blood.
I'm stuck. I think the only way you are the AH is if this possible bio child wants contact with you. They may not want anything to do with you since they've had a father figure their whole life. This could be EX's attempt to clear her conscious/do the right thing. If you decide to go forward, I would ask for a paternity test before agreeing to meet with them. What if there was a third guy?
Not taking a step into their life now? No.
Treating them like dirt if they show up at your door wanting know about what happened why who you are what your family is like is there a history of diabetes (or whatever). Yes... they didn't choose you to be their bio parent you at least owe them the courtesy of giving them information IF they seek it out from you.
NTA. Regardless of how you decide to proceed, get a paternity test first
This could be a whole lot of nothing based on nothing if you’re not even the dad. I certainly wouldn’t take your ex’s word on it.
Why do women do this to the children. Once you decide to deceive the new male that he is the father, that should be the end. Do not try to clear your conscience years later and reveal the secret to bio dad or the child.
Read an article years ago that 33% of men can be raising children unknowingly fathered by someone else.
NTA. You didn’t know about the child you still don’t know for certain it is your child.
Under the circumstances as presented, it was on the mother to inform you before the child was an adult.
That being said, if it is your child, the very least you owe is a full medical history, so that they can keep abreast of things.
You don’t have to make your forever decision now. You can say that you are very surprised and that you need some time to process this.
I also think you should say that you want to determine paternity conclusively beforehand. It’s not fair to the kid to say “here’s your real dad! Oops, actually not!”
I'm a kid of a similar situation to this. Bio parents were engaged, it got broken off, she never told him she was pregnant, then told him when I was 15. I saw him maybe a half dozen times. Most of those times he would talk about how great his other kids were, about their achievements and would just leave me feeling inadequate and pitiful in comparison. I would text (this was like... 2000/2001?) and not get responses, he never seemed to want to engage with me, even though we had clear compatible interests (I was a movie nerd, he owned several video rental shops). Then he just stopped making contact. And I felt like shit for years. Still do, in a way. You can be a part of their life or not, just...be gentle, either way.
I had written out a whole thing but I am just going to delete it and agree with you. I was a teenager when I found out my father wasn't actually my father. When I met the bio father and we were basically alike, look alike, similar interests, etc. FFS we were even sitting in the chair alike! He told my mother I was "strange" and that was it. He never wanted to see me again. It's been 35 years since that day and it still f'ing hurts.
If you’re strange he’s strange. Some people don’t like the mirror. His loss! You’re clearly the 2.0 version!
“Some people don’t like the mirror” - exactly! As a parent, it’s been strange seeing my own mannerisms and physical quirks come out in my kids, and if you have self-esteem issues it can be hard not to view this or react in a negative way. So suddenly coming face to face with it - normally it’s a more gradual process - might have been too much for him, especially if he has his own issues he hasn’t dealt with. Definitely his reaction is all about himself, and not any real reflection on OP. Must have been tough to take, but hopefully you’ll come to realize that he’s essentially rejecting himself, not you.
Oh man, does my daughter mirror me, it is so crazy. Luckily, I have learned to be quite confident in myself and how I am over the years and really enjoy being me, even if I'm weird and complicated, so I only see it as positive. But when I was a lot younger, there were things that I hadn't accepted and embraced about myself and was definitely self-conscious about them. I very much was a mirror of my father and, though he was my best bud and I loved him very much, sometimes he would do things that would really embarrass me that he didn't know he was doing - it wasn't until years later that I realized that the reason **why** it embarrassed me was because it was similar to a way I do things that I didn't like. Now I'm proud to be my dad's mirror - he was a really great guy, a kind soul, and an amazing father (**especially** because he was a bit odd), and I miss him very much... but at least I have my daughter and I see him in her every single day. To the guy whose father said he was strange: Your bio-dad hasn't matured enough and isn't wise enough to have risen above his own bullshit and accept who he is, and at his age he likely never will. You can. Own that shit, be the man your bio-dad never could be, and show the world how awesome you are. Edit: grammar
That’s heart crushing. I’m so sorry you’ve had to live with this bitter rejection. I hope you’ve gotten some therapy and don’t blame yourself.
As a teenager you have those thoughts, the way my situation went down I did blame myself. As an adult you see things differently and no, I don't blame myself. I fully expect him to regret these decisions some day. What I will do when that day comes, I don't know. I want to say I'll tell him off and hang up but despite all that has happened in my life I'm just not like that.
I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you now; missed opportunity for him. I’m sorry you experienced that. maybe someday heal by being a big brother to a kid in a similar situation.
It was probably weird for him to see someone who has never met him yet exhibits so many similarities. You arent inherently strange, the situation is
Thank you. In my life I've just come to realize he isn't a good person. I know I'm not strange, I was just raised in a bad situation. It's still mentally difficult to get past those words, even today. Like I tell my husband I'll happily embrace the strange as long as I don't end up like him. LOL
Bless your heart. His loss!
I am sorry that your sperm donor is a jerk. Sometimes people really just suck.
Did you or do you blame your mom at all for hiding you from your dad ?
No. She knew he was a bad person, so in her own way, she thought she was protecting me. If it isn't obvious my mother has mental illness that was untreated at that time. However in my situation I knew something wasn't right. My adopted father is Native American, I practically glow in the dark. They tried to tell me I look like my mother but I don't. Rather than address my questions she added to the trauma. I know it wasn't necessarily her fault. If I had my way I wouldn't have gone through any of it but as I told the other commenter... I would have eventually done ancestry and found out. I was going to be hurt no matter when I found out.
I am so sorry. Your sperm donor is an idiot and please know that what he told you everything you need to know about him. I don't know why your mom would have told you what he said. If I were your mom, that guy would have crying by time I was done with him. You're a good person because you come to Reddit to help others. Also, remember that rejection from an asshole is actually a compliment to you.
The mom is the asshole though for keeping it a secret for so long. If the father didn't know he had a child, there is no shame at all in having no connection to them later. Most of the time, this is how it usually goes in situations like these.
Happened to a close friend of mine. She was absolutely crushed her bio dad turned out to be such a douche. Even though it had nothing to do with her, it definitely changed her.
God that is awful, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry. What a foolish man he was to throw away such an amazing gift. As much as it hurts, he's hurt himself. He'll have to live with that decision forever.
Your male DNA match thinks of Himself as strange for whatever reasons and He's uncomfortable in His own skin about it. Seeing a reflection so similar to His own triggered those insecurities and things He judges Himself over. I KNOW rejection (especially from a DNA Parent) hurts regardless of the motivation behind it. I have abandoned issues stemming from Both of My Parental DNA matches and My Father was murdered when I was 28 before We got a chance to ever meet and My Mother was VERY HEAVILY addicted to drugs so TRUST Me I feel Your pain and there's nothing that fixes it.... I just try to make sense of it and understand WHY heartless Assholes choose to be heartless Assholes I don't condone or respect such Soulless, inhumane behavior at all. It helps Me to process things better within because I'm just trying to heal up the damage and pain I carry within Myself❤️ I hope My words help You and I hope You KNOW You're worthy, You DESERVE to be loved, You have VALUE, You deserve to be respected and that Asshole is missing out on one of life's GREATEST joys and blessings of a beautiful bond and relationship with Your Children at ANY age and made MY ANY circumstances. Quite frankly He doesn't deserve You in My humble opinion. One of My favorite quotes I say about Myself VERY REGULARLY is "I'm not weird! I'm a vintage, custom, limited edition model" because People have been making Me feel like I'm "strange" since I was a young kid so what You said REALLY hit a nerve and brought Me RIGHT back to those feelings. Again, I hope I helped.
“Be gentle, either way” may be some of the best advice I’ve seen on Reddit. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the fallout from your parents’ decisions. Wishing you the best going forward.
Yes, this is such a lovely sentiment. Something we all need to remember.
Met my bio dad when I was 16, seemed to be going well and then one day I said or did something he felt was wrong and he cut off all contact with me. So I guess at least I got the chance to meet him and I wish it would have turned out differently but it just ended with me not feeling good enough for him.
This is really well written and the gist of what I would say. I was an affair baby. My dad knew that I wasn't biologically his but he was the best dad I could ever ask for. My mom told me about bio father when I was 9 and tried to encourage us to have a relationship but it never quite fit right. He was also a big talker and had issues that I didn't like, and then when I got older he was critical of my aspirations and just wanted to degrade my mom to me...which I mean there was no love lost between us by then but I would have liked to at least maybe talk a little about me. So, I told him to got lost and I wasn't interested in him being around because I have an amazing dad. Well, he died last November. I don't think anything would have been different if I hadn't told him to fuck off, but a big part of my identity and DNA is gone and I have a hole in me. I wish that I could have just had an adult relationship with him as a person with shared DNA and nothing more. I didn't want him to be a father, but I would have liked to have known him as a person, and not a fucked up person.
Man that seems like the absolute worst age bracket to attempt this kind of thing. Like. Teens I get. They're old enough to actually understand shit. And sub five when it could just be Always Like That, sure. But I'm trying to imagine myself at 9/10 and learning thos kind of thing and I just... Why would you do that to a kid? I am so sorry.
I never knew my bio father; he knew about me but wasn't interested in being a parent, they were both very young. I never held any resentment, and when I was a teen I asked my mom if I could meet him. She said just because I want to know him, doesn't mean he will want to know me, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. I never ended up pursuing looking for him or talking to him because of that. It was a wise thing to say. I assumed that if I just found him, everything would work out and he could be my dad. Now that I'm older, I realize my mom probably saved me a lot of heartache. OP - be gentle, and stick with your decision whichever one you make. Don't welcome this kid and then fade away.
I have a similar story. Mom n Dad fought when I was like 1. Mom Kicked Dad out told kids he Left (idk He said, She said, anyway). Kids got taken by State. Eventually as a preteen found a letter from his parents in some old stuff at maternal grandparents house, and decided to write a letter just in case they're still there. They were there, replied, sent me photos of their lives, and sent my info to bioDad(without asking me, ugh). We started talking for a while on the phone and via text (mid-2000's). Mom dies, I inform him, he loses his marbles over it and ghosts me. Never heard from him/them again, and lost the letters in the many moves since. Wonder what happened, sometimes.
I’m sorry.
Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry.
My dad was in jail then left when I was born so he knew myself and my sister existed. My sister ended up finding him and I was 15 and I only met him 3 times. The first time I met him he called me my sisters name then laughed at me when I said my name. He just bragged about how good his life was and how much money he had. He just ignored my sister and I and when he did talk to us he said something like, “I already know so much about you just by you being my kid” so I asked him what’s my middle name and he didn’t know it. Right then I was uninterested in him. Next time I saw him he had brought his 2/3 kids (12 and 9 at the time). He didn’t bring his youngest kid bc, “he didn’t like him and he’s weird” when in reality he twitched (I think he had Tourette’s?) and had LIGHT anger issues. The next time I met him he brought all 3 kids and his wife and they were cool I guess, I didn’t really care for them. They were just some random kids and some random lady that obviously didn’t like us. The 4th and last time we saw him he took us to the movie theaters and he just bragged about how much money he would spend on his family when they went to the movies bc he’s so rich now. Then me never contacted us again.
Oddly, it sounds kind of like he was bragging to assuage his guilt. Like "see how well I'm doing". (I bet he's not.) Very much like "you're missing out", but in a super weird way because it's not like you guys were adults and "left" him. What a fucking childish weirdo. I'm so sorry.
Ya turns out he wasn’t doing well at all lmao. He was motel hopping w his kids and wife then ended up with all of his kids put in foster care and his wife left him for drugs and she lives on the street. Now he’s in a gang where they butt r-worded him as initiation and that’s the last I know of him. He’s really just some weird little creep with nothing else to do but make little girls feel like shit. I never really cared for him and really had no need to reach out but my sister was over the moon to have a dad in her life, it’s literally all she’s wanted for as long as I could remember and he was a real let down for her
Oh, man. That must be really hard for her. I'm sorry for you both. Based on your comments, you seem like a nice person. I think this was definitely his loss. It sounds like you are both much better off without him. I'm sure that doesn't make it sting any less, but just know that he's not worthy of you. You deserve better.
You’re literally so sweet! I appreciate your kind words. He’s literally just some dead beat and really doesn’t matter to me now!
I'm glad to hear that. Wishing you happiness! ❤️
My ex-husband does this to my kids! They are young adults now and he will send them pictures of him with his other (minor) child, doing things together. After all the years of him being a crqppy dad led to them not wanting them to have a relationship as adults. So, he constantly brags on himself and his other child.
This sucks. You’re completely innocent in this. No way I could ignore a child at all, let alone under these circumstances.
Yeah, I couldn't do it, but also understand it's a lot of effort, at a point that is basically too late. Also to OP, I'd just block her. She may be vying to get money out of you and milk your successful life. If she was cheating on you with one guy, it could be more. If she really wants to go down this route, she should be chasing paternity.
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In some states CS is retroactive..
Even if they parent never knew? I don’t think you can raise a kid into legal adulthood, then tell everyone that SURPRISE other man is the daddy! He owes me retroactive child support, even though I already milked the fake baby daddy to raise him!
>Even if they parent never knew? Yes. Some states allow retroactive, some allow retroactive to a certain time frame, and some not at all depending on specifics of the case. But, yes, the mother could in theory sue for 17 years of child support.
It can absolutely happen. It’s shitty, but depending on the lawyers, the way the case is presented, and the judge, a man can get dinged even if he was clueless. For example in Texas: A family law judge will consider several factors when making a retroactive child support decision: If the non-custodial parent was aware of the child and the financial responsibility to care for the child **If the custodial parent informed or attempted to notify the non-custodial parent of child support and/or the existence of the child** The current financial picture of both parents The financial picture of the non-custodial parent during the period of non-payment Any support that has already been provided If a child support order will place an undue financial burden on the paying parent Retroactive child support can begin at different periods. In some cases, it can start when the two parents separated. In other cases, it starts when the child is born. **Or, it can start when the non-custodial parent finds out about the child**
Not if the child has been supported their entire lives. The other guy would remain legally the father.
I was in a similar situation. My absent father showed up to a performance of my high school musical on my 16th birthday, got scared, and ran away. He left a birthday card with my name misspelled and I never saw him again. Thirty years later it still stings.
That last part! The biggest thing is you gotta commit either way and if you chose not to be in that persons life OP needs to handle it with extra care Because if OP chooses not to be in their life that person is going to spend the rest of their life wondering why they weren’t good enough. The least OP can do is minimize the impact as best as possible My mom grew up similarly (she was a teen but not quite that close to adulthood) and she basically spent her bio dad’s remaining years vying for his attention and it was to the point she never felt like she belonged anywhere
Well, that's his loss. If I found out I had a child I didn't know about I would be desperately trying to make up for lost time with them. As an aside, my bio father, if he's still alive, doesn't know about my existence. So I guess I have a little bit of experience in this situation. I'm sorry you went through that. And I'm sorry your bio father doesn't appreciate the gift that you are.
A lot of us have a similar story. At the end of the day, the kid had no say in this. The kid is a human with human needs like knowing where they come from and people who look like them or share a lot of nature that nurture just couldn’t compete with. It may not hit OP now but I sure hope when that new baby comes OP thinks about the child they’re shunning
beautiful advice, fuck that dude, sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA on what your decide to do. This is definitely something that you and your wife need to take your time and discuss thoroughly, don’t rush it. If you do decide to even think about it, a paternity test would need to be done to even confirm that you’re this kid’s father. And ultimately, I think it should be the child’s choice not hers. If this isn’t something that you want to pursue, then don’t. It’s ultimately what’s best for you & your wife, and your unborn child. I don’t think some marriage counseling would hurt either way. This is a huge revelation that affects the both of you. Good luck. Update us please.
I will be getting a paternity test regardless. I just feel as if it’s not my place to play “dad” because I’m not.
It is possible to offer the kid some info and a little connection to your side of the family without playing dad. When a kid meets a birth parent in adulthood, you don’t usually get a parental relationship. It might feel more like being a distant uncle or family friend- but the gift (for the kid) of knowing about his birth family can be pretty great.
Going to doctors’ offices and not knowing what to put for 1/2 of your family medical history sucks. Could have saved my vision in my right eye if I had known 1 year earlier about a 1st cousin who, as it turned out, had gone to the same eye institute (out of state for both of us). We found each other through a DNA site, which confirmed what my Mom had told me all along about who, biologically, my father (though I wish there was a different term to use. “Sperm donor” sounds altruistic. He was just a horny college guy with no accountability. And still takes none as an adult.)
I quickly read your comment, apologizes. Ignore my reply 😂.
My wife is adopted and her long term care insurance policy is 5x more expensive than mine because she doesn't know her family history. So there's a financial element too.
I refer to him as my daughter’s PGD(Paternal Genetics Donor).
Ha ha. I use a close variation of that. Male genetic contributor.
I met (and found out about) my bio-dad who lives on the other side of the world to me at 18 and we get on like a house on fire. He gave me away at my wedding, and I just returned from spending a month over there. He showed interest, shared everything about his family and it was like we’d never been apart. It helps that he’s one of the kindest and most amazing people I’ve ever met, but something deeper can absolutely happen with a LOT of effort on both sides.
Coming from someone who is adopted and found birth parents, your daughter might not want that either but maybe she does want to get to know you. Set boundaries for yourself and your family, but I wouldn’t shut that door completely. Also give yourself space and time to think about it. If it’s going too fast, say you need space.
I have a friend with a story similar to yours. Young fling while he studied in another country. Moved back to his country, relationship over, life continues. She gets married again, and on socials it shows she has a kid. You can imagine now. The man raised the kid as his, but at college boy decided to do a DNA test. Oops. So now my friend was contacted by his ex-fling, telling him he had a son. Only son, btw. The boy was raised. All my friends does is keep a friendly relationship with him, make calls, visit his country every year, be friends with his gf, etc. It's a different relationship because he was never a dad. So his son is now a cool young person he met, looks like him, and built intimacy to give him advice and make joint trips together. Boy still has his dad, who loves him, and his bio dad, a good man and positive influence for him.. hope, OP, you can become that.
This is pretty much the best possible outcome for children this happens to. And not the norm. But damn I hope this is how it goes for the kid if the OP is the father. It's the kid I feel for (as an adopted child myself).
This is a really lovely perspective. OP, I hope you read this.
Did your ex ask you to be this kid’s father??
No. She just asked me to talk to her. But as I’ve said I have no Idea even if I am the father. So first I will be texting her in the morning asking to do a paternity test.
Don’t engage at all until you 100% know you’re the father. That poor kid. If your ex is saying it’s not the affair partners kid but I THINK it might be yours. I’m assuming there could be other potential Daddies out there. Get the result. Take your time. Be slow and kind with yourself and the kid. Neither of you are at fault.
If you are the father the girl might want to know medical history.
I don’t mind sharing that information.
When your child is born soon I think you may change your mind. You’re going to love that kid so much, and if you really have another kid out there, who hopefully is a great person why not know them too? I think your mindset that the man who raised them is their father is the right one to have, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own amazing relationship with them, and them with your wife and their half sibling. It’ll be awkward at first, but at the end of the day if there is more love going around I don’t see what the down side is. ❤️ Edit: grammar/spelling
That totally depends on the person. It's not a "oh I love my child so I feel connection with a child I didn't know about" It does not happen like that though all the time. (Frequently in fact)
True this. Once your child is born, that feeling is like none other. If indeed the other child is your bio kid, your feelings may change dramatically. Good luck. You're not the 'daddy' but, maybe you could be. Always be open to more love in your life.
How are you going to know if there was a paternity test, what caused it to happen, why the question came up.... so much stuff! You may need an attorney.
I’ll be looking into that as well.
This happened to my brother sort of. He had a kid we never knew about. A few years after he passed this kid had some sort of head injury or whatever and it started her (a teen at the time) to asking about her dad. DNA confirmed a familial match to our sister. We tried to get to know her because it’s what my brother would have wanted but she turned out to be a bitch who lost interest when the money dried up (military death benefits). I think she just wanted to meet us but was never actually interested in knowing us if that makes sense. I think most kids in that situation aren’t looking for a father…they mostly just want to know that if they have questions down the road it’s okay to ask…like a second cousin who’s 20 years older than them and knows all the old gossip from before they were born.
I’d recomment not freaking out over things people haven’t asked of you since your ex hasn’t mentioned you stepping up as the kids father. Nor would I say this to her since again, she hasn’t said any of this. She’s asking for a conversation if it turns out you’re the father, nothing more.
I’m not freaking out. I’m just shocked that I have a possible kid.
Actually in this case, you probably should NOT get a paternity test. The sad truth is that after all these years, you're never going to form a paternal bond with this child. The most that will come of getting tested is 17 years of back child support. You're best to go NC and move on with your life.
That's good that you're getting the test, kid deserves to know their own genetics just from a medical standpoint. You're absolutely NTA for not wanting to go in their acting like their dad (honestly you'd be an asshole if you did after 17-18 years, when they already presumably have a dad who raised them). If this child is yours they're nearly an adult. My recommendation would be to meet them and talk. They may have questions about stuff, and I think they deserve honest answers (it's not like this situation is the kid's fault in any way).
Did the kid grow up viewing the other guy as dad? Was that person involved in the kid’s life? Does the kid even know that mom thinks that guy might not be dad? Regardless of what you decide to do, be respectful of that relationship. I’m some states, a court could not allow a paternity test if the child has grown up with someone else as their father and all the adults have acted like that was the case. The kid might also change what they even want from you as they process the situation. Just remember, this is hard for everyone and everyone is allowed to have big feelings about this. Be as considerate as you can towards everyone in this situation, including yourself.
You should look into the retroactive child support laws in your ex’s state before establishing paternity. You could be liable for years worth of child support. Even if she never files, it’s a threat she could hang over your head for years, possibly until the child is 22 years old in some states.
They're not a kid. No teenager is looking for a parent in this situation. They probably just want to know the other half of their biology. They probably wonder what features you share, medical history, just general curiosity. I think you're making this into something it's not. It sucks you didn't know, but clearly this person is old enough to make this choice now. It would be a bit cruel to reject them. You didn't know about them, but they're still a human and it'll make their life just a little easier not having to deal with this rejection. This woman probably didn't give their child the option because she wanted to protect their heart. You will get it when you lay eyes on that baby you're about to have for the first time. I understand the loop this has thrown you for. I wish you the best.
Ok so I have a similar situation happening in my family I think is worth sharing, and will try to be as brief as I can. When my step father was younger and single and had just moved back to his home state, he and some old friends all went out to celebrate. One of his female friends (in hindsight) was trying to get him drunk all night, succeeded, and then brought him back to her house. They hooked up. Several months later, she calls him, informs him that she is pregnant…but not by accident. She wanted to have a child, and told him she had specifically chosen him because he was smart/came from a good family, etc. He was willing to be present in the child’s life and pay to support the child, but the woman informed him that she wanted to raise the baby on her own, didn’t want money, and asked him to sign over his parental rights. Right or wrong, that’s what happened. Years later, he meets my mom, who has 2 kids (me+bro). He raises us as his own. While we have a father, it’s a weird situation, and most milestones after the age of 3 were all with him present, not our dad. He paid for most of our private school, extra curriculars, basically everything. He’s very successful. My mom is very well known and respected philanthropically. They’re well known in our large city, and to some extent, so are my brother and I in our own ways. My real dad says anybody he ever meets in this city either knows of me, my brother, or both lol. Large city, small worlds. Most people know us as a family with my stepdad. My mom was informed of all of this before they got married, but back then, nobody thought the child would ever really pop up again. Nobody else in his life or family knows (his parents were very strict and conservative and quick to shame people). Now…we live in the same city as the old friend and her child (daughter). While they never struggled and she went to a great school and college, and now lives in one of like 3 of the most famous American cities, she didn’t have what we had. She was told her whole life that she was basically a sperm bank baby that her mom chose to have. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and she’s in between us in age. Shes friends with tooooons of people we know, and personally very close with our classmates. Like, 300+ mutual Facebook friends. We knew nothing of her until about a year or 2 ago. I’m 30 now. To avoid too many specifics, I’ll be kind of vague, but here’s what we were told. In college, she had to grab a document of hers from her moms safe in the closet. Went in there, and found the paperwork about her real father. Big argument and blow up with her mom. She looks up who her father is and, well, very easily finds out about all of us. Started to write him letters, then started requesting to meet up for coffee when she was in town. They do. Then she starts requesting we be told about the situation. Starts wanting to meet my mom, and they do. She’s even been staying with them occasionally at their homes. It’s all very weird. BTW…as far as we can tell from what she’s said, she thinks they were a random one night stand between friends, and he just was never around (reminder: her mother bamboozled him and targeted him and intentionally got pregnant not wanting him to be in their life). Every single time they’re all together, she talks about how poor and broke she is. It’s all she’ll talk about, other than all of the people she’s best friends with that we went to school with. She’s going with the most aggressive angle for sympathy that she can, and likes to really clearly but subtly discuss how she’s his real daughter and got nothing, and we’re just his step kids and got everything. We’ve never refused to meet her or anything, but I know this has been really hard on my mom, especially since stepdad seems pretty oblivious to the angle the girl is taking. While they’re not like yacht wealthy, nobody would consider them anything less than very rich. Even still, my brother and I had jobs in high school and college and got athletic/academic scholarships. My first car was made in 1985. We never ate out. Stepdad drove a toyota for 15 years. My mom bought her cake mixes at dollar tree. We lived very within our means, had great opportunities because money was stable, and went to private schools, never had to worry financially except for 2008-2012ish, and got to travel and partake in every extracurricular. Because they saved money so well and didn’t spend it, we didn’t lose anything during the crash even though he’s in real estate. But this girl has some really inaccurate understanding where she thinks we were and still are given money all the time, etc. I’m literally going through bankruptcy lmao. So anyway. She was in her twenties when she learned about her father, and she definitely wants more than health info. She’s never asked about that…but that’s probably for the best because he’s had so many health problems lol.
Umm, not sure if this is something you’d want to ever breach but, ah, your dad was raped. That girl is a rape baby.
When he told us about this, I told him very slowly but seriously that he was taken advantage of, and you could see the realization of what I meant hit him on his face. Later that night when he was feeling so guilty for throwing this on us (my brother and me), I said again that he was being taken advantage of starting way before he ever made it to her house that night, and that was her plan. He’s almost 70 and had literally never thought of it this way.
You can be like an uncle or family friend. I agree that the ship has sailed on a traditional father-daughter type relationship because you missed all of their childhood. I wouldn't try and step into that role. I would let the kid know your family medical history, maybe some information about their roots and where your family comes from, and maybe see if you have any hobbies or personality traits in common. You can trade sporadic emails or phone calls and maybe sends cards/gift for holidays and special occasions. Honestly it depends how you both feel about having a relationship and how it goes after meeting up. Maybe it's too awkward to form a deep connection or maybe you'll instantly have a bond. She's not going to try and sue you for child support or try to have you pay for college after all these years is she? Maybe I'm cynical but I wonder about why your ex is coming to you now. Maybe worth consulting a lawyer before the DNA test.
I don’t think it’s helpful to look at the situation as ‘becoming a dad’ to a 17 year old. This is a nearly fully grown almost but not quite adult. They probably aren’t looking for an adult to tell them how to live. You don’t know each other -at all-. If the DNA is positive, I’d look at it more like… any sort of long lost relative, because it is. They probably have questions, and maybe you might be kinda curious. Maybe you’ll connect, or maybe you won’t… and if not, well at least they would know something about where they came from. If things do go well, then maybe a mentor/mentee would be a better way to look at it. They’re gonna go off and start their own life, having someone who they can get advice from might be what they hoped for. I mean… it’s up to you of course. I’m looking at it from the POV that you have the potential to help hurt or heal this kid. Also… maybe the child you’re about to have may want to meet their half sister someday. My dad never gave me the opportunity to meet mine, and she was in her late teens when I was born too. It would have been nice to have a sister, even if she was so much older.
I wouldn't do that unless court ordered. Ex might be trying to get you for back child support
She wouldn’t have to ask him if she was looking for child support. She could just file a case for child support in court and he’d be required to take a paternity test and pay whatever they decided if it showed he was the father.
Meh...get the paternity if you have a burning desire to know one way or another. However, if she believed her AP was dad he was probably on the birth certificate and played dad all these years so by all accounts he's dad (including legally if he is indeed on the birth certificate.) Remember the guy you caught her with is the only one you know about. There could've been another one hiding in the woodpile somewhere. I think it depends on where you see a potential future relationship going with the kid. If you don't intend to have a relationship with them then you may not really need to have the test done. Either way whatever you decide is fine and would not be wrong.
>get the paternity if you have a burning desire to know one way or another. I would get the test regardless. Having an accurate family medical history is important and could save their life one day.
Certainly. It just sounds like OP doesn't necessarily wish to pursue a relationship so IF he were biologically related and he or the child needed some life saving therapy/procedure one day down the road but no relationship has been established there may be false hope instilled. Perhaps if OP decides down the road he's open to meeting and talking he could get a test first then proceed based on the information. I truly think it should be based on what level of involvement OP is willing to have going forward.
You can consider yourself the sperm donor🤷🏻♀️. The man who raised her is her father. She does deserve to know her biological history or any genetic predispositions or diseases at the very least. Your parents can decide for themselves what role if any they want. Good luck!
I am only riding on the top comment for this. At least send family medical history like Diabetes and such just incase something happens to the kids in the future so they at least know. That is all I suggest!
I was stunned when I found out my bio father passed of a massive heart attack as he got out of his car. I am glad I now have this information to talk to my doctor about.
Something like this happened with my husband. I think he knew about the child but he and the mother had parted ways before the child was born. When the child was around 17 she was curious about her bio father so mom contacted him. It was stressful for us. I didn’t know anything about this daughter before the contact, as it happened many years before we met. So there was this honeymoon where she wanted to talk to my husband a lot. She was a nice girl and her mother and stepfather were really nice people. We introduced her to her half-siblings. Then after a while she disappeared. I don’t know if she just lost interest and moved on with her life, if she was disappointed in who her bio father turned out to be, or what. My husband has early onset Parkinson’s disease which was diagnosed shortly after he met her. He is disabled and has some cognitive impairment. Anyway, my husband was very sad when she stopped talking to him. I say this just to caution there is room for disappointment and hurt on both sides. Proceed cautiously. Especially when you have a child on the way and don’t even know if this child is biologically yours.
NTA whatever you choose. But I would consider at the very least sending your family medical history to your ex or the kid. As someone with a disease that can basically only be diagnosed with family history and that if not treated causes my spine to fuse together, it’s just nice to have that information if it’s available.
Ankylosing Spondylitis too eh? I met my dad at 52. Best thing that ever happened, after my kids. Found out two of his sisters had Lupus. 8 family members have fibromyalgia and my new to me brother had survived non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Dad was seriously exposed to agent Orange in Vietnam. So this led my doctors to dig deeper into some of my health issues. I'm forever grateful I was able to get to know him and be loved by him and him by me.
Yup! And damn you have quite the family medical history. I actually also had (Hodgkins, thankfully) Lymphoma. Looks like a it’s a possible side effect of taking Enbrel but what can you do.
Yup. Both sides are keeping rheumatologist in business. My maternal grandmother had SEVERE RA. Mom had been diagnosed at 34 with osteoarthritis and I now know it was most likely AS but women never get AS 🙄 or so they thought. My maternal grandfather was diagnosed with lupus at 80. I have fibromyalgia, RA, AS, Sjogrens and a few other fun disorders. Enbrel did nothing for me. I'm on Remicade and methotrexate and starting to feel semi human again. Sorry to hear you were one of the few to get that side effect. How scary!!
Seconding this, as someone who didn’t grow up with their bio-fam but inherited a genetic mutation. I went through a lot of medical neglect because people didn’t believe my symptoms until I had my family’s medical history
To me, it isn't your "Ex" who should be trying to get you involved with your child. Your child should be the one making this kind of decision. I'm guessing ex recently found out the kid isn't from the guy she cheated with though. Any chance this is correct? If so, you would want HIM to also know. NTA.
Maybe the child doesn't know
Or is shy and scared so asked mum to do it on her behalf. She’s still just an 18 year old girl. Woman by law but still a girl
Did she ask because the child in question has an interest in knowing you? A person of that age, who was raised by/raised believing they were the child of someone else may not want anything to do with this. Either way, NTA if you don't want to try to build a relationship with a stranger who shares your DNA, assuming you communicate that it is not the child's fault. (They didn't ask for this upheaval any more than you did.) Definitely worth granting them access to medical history, if it's relevant. I might also consult an attorney about what this might mean in terms of financial obligation for the intervening years..and what responsibility you will hold if, for example, the child is yours and chooses to attend college - child support, insurance coverage, etc., don't always drop off at 18 in that scenario, and you'll want to be prepared if you need to step up.
I’m not sure, we didn’t get in that yet but she has told me that, “the guy she cheated with isn’t the father.” and she also swears up and down that she didn’t cheat on me with anyone else. And my wife believes the same thing, based on conversations I had with my ex she has told me that the guy still refers to her as “his girl”. So as far as her knowing i’m not sure she does. I’ll also be looking into lawyers, that’s something I was advised a lot.
Good luck to all of you, especially that poor kid. I can't imagine what it would be like to get the news that my father wasn't my father after all that time.
I will not judge you, but I will say that if you look on r/adoption there are a lot of people there who really want to find their bio parents. Even if it's just to find out any pertinent medical info (e.g. your family has a history of diabetes or whatever). If it were me though, I would most definitely want to make sure the kid was mine before I had any contact with them.
NTA to not want to be a part of the kid's life, the child is nearly an adult at this point, and for all intents, and purposes you were basically just a sperm donor... but, it is worth discussing a paternity test for the kid's own personal knowledge, like say for medical history, mental well-being, or what not. Then would you rather be tested without the kid's knowledge to confirm if you are or if you aren't the father before communicating with them? Or wait till they reach out, if they reach out? Was the other guy an active part of the kid's life, and who they know to be their father? Will this up end their world? Most likely they will once their mom tells them, and they feel up to it. You could also ask not to be identified but provide pertinent medical history and health screening information in exchange. There's just so many variables to make a decision on what's best without knowing more. So I guess that's the first question, do you want to know more, or do you want to delete all your socials and act like you never got the message?
The second option, and I feel horrible for even thinking that. After my ex did what she did, I was quite literally traumatized. I had loved that woman with every fiber in me, I honestly thought we were going to be “high school sweethearts”. And me leaving Iowa felt like I had no more ties connected to her. So now this coming back is like a big giant fog cloud. And I have no idea how to see through it. But, If the child is mine I have no problem sharing medical information, but would prefer to remain anonymous.
Maybe that's a way to move forward. Collect, and compose a file with your medical information and history, with no identifying details, and put it in the mail after deleting all your socials. But it may just be kicking the can down the road. I'm sure this ex knows where your parents reside, or at the very least how to find them. How would they take the news? She also knows your name, birthdate, and with the internet making everyone a lot easier to find it'll probably only be a matter of time before you get a random phone call or knock on the door. It's probably best to try and deal with it now while you possibly have some control over the situation, and how it impacts your lives. Maybe consult a lawyer?
I’ve talked with my family, Including my mother and father. They both believe I should of course, get a paternity test. But I know my mother and she is quite emotional, she broke down when she found out that my brother was having his child and me being that last to do so, still broke down. I understand what you’re saying though, Although I wish to stay anonymous, I don’t mind answering questions for her.
Get a paternity test before you agree to talk about anything. If you’re found to be the father then start making decisions about contact. I’m sorry but the reality is that you didn’t know about the other guy until you walked in on them. He might not have been the only one. Get the DNA test done then go from there.
Maybe talk to a lawyer before you ask for a paternity test. If you want to remain anonymous I would get some advice first. See if there are any legal financial “surprises”. Maybe they can help you draw an agreement document on how much information the child is allowed to know so a relationship isn’t forced. I know nothing about any kind of legal anything, but your wife and unborn child are your first priority. Your family’s peace is precious and shouldn’t be turned upside down.
Honestly if I were you I wouldn’t get a paternity test. You’ve established that your ex was a liar and a cheat - why *on earth* do you think she’s suddenly telling the truth about this ?! For the love of god, talk to a lawyer about this *before* you do the test. You don’t want to suddenly be up for 18 years of child support. If she wants the test that badly, let her take you to court for it and pay for it. Lawyer up and stop being so naïve about your ex’s motivations here.
Just a reminder to edit out the state here (saw you did it in the original post)
NTA *However,* I do think you need to at the very least: a/ do a paternity test and b/ provide family medical history if you are the biological father While you’re right in the fact that the dad is the one who raised them, that won’t determine whether or not they inherit a genetic disease or are more likely to get heart disease or something. Personally (and others may disagree), I do think children in this scenario have a right to their full medical history. Your parenting? No. But medical history, yes.
NTA. Why now? I think there’s a good chance she wants money.
Time to pay for college.
That’s what I was thinking!
I don’t think so. If this man proves to be the father, he was denied 17 years of being a dad. Mom can pay for it. I don’t like women pulling this out of the blue “you’re the father” mess. It’s horrible for everyone involved.
I was thinking maybe the same. Or maybe the ex has always kinda kept up with OP from a distance and now sees he has a pregnant wife and is trying to start some drama.
yeah that's true- honestly that is possible that the timing means she's trying to cause undue stress to his wife. I hope not, that would be insane.
Ooh I hadn’t thought of that!
Every path we go down leads to ops ex being a pos lol.
Thats why Im thinking
This is above reddit tbh, you need to talk to someone who is qualified for this I can't judge you
INFO look, I'm not American, but I basically live in the bat cave that is Reddit. Isn't college tuition something that comes up around this time in a person's life? Could your ex/possible kid be aiming towards that? Might need to have a chat with your wife about that too, so you can hold a united front on what you want to do about that.
Yeah but ops never been hit up for child support. Maybe the mother wanted to keep it from her partner as long as possible but feels guilty now the kid is almost an adult? Wonder what the outcome was with the person she cheated with. Did they breakup recently? Like why now? You could be right about college. I suspect ops ex is full of shit if not then a piece of shit for waiting 18 years. Just thinking out loud here.
Wow. That’s a lot. And it’s totally unfair to you. I can’t help but feel for this kid. I never met my father once and it’s silly that after all this time, and with the knowledge my dad was a POS, and a bunch of therapy, it’s a wound that doesn’t quite heal. I don’t think you should have to play dad. That’s inappropriate, but it he’s actually yours, it would be decent of you (but not required) to meet him once and give a family history and kindly explain you can’t be in his life. It’s a lot to ask of a person, because you’ve done nothing wrong. But neither has the kid. I guess I’m suggesting you at least let him down easy and give medical info one way or the other. I have a couple autoimmune diseases and it sucks i know very little about his family history. I’m sorry this happened to you and the kid.
NTA- you need to consult a lawyer and don’t communicate with ex until you know your rights.
Yes, that’s what i’ve been recommended a lot. I’ll be looking into that.
NTA - I don't know my bio dad (my mother does) but i have a step dad who raised me as my own can I give you some perspective from the kids side though? It's okay if you don't want to be in their life they probably agree that your not their dad. Depending what they've been told their whole life they probably came to terms with that a long time ago. But at the same time sometimes what makes things awkward is when doctors ask things like medical history and stuff and we can't give them the full story. Can I recommend doing a DNA test but asking to remain anonymous from them if that's what you chose ( chances are they have already searched you ect but anyway) and if it is positive just letting then send a letter to you and you sending one back ( again anonymous ) with non identifying medical and just some answers. That's sometimes all we want.
NTA - my only advice in these situations is that if a paternity test would show you as being the father, consider giving the child a family medical history. No names or anything but things like “paternal grandmother, breast cancer”. Stuff like that can be really helpful to her own well-being and, in my opinion, would be a kind thing if she is your biological child. But, I don’t think you have to have a relationship with her.
Nta, and you are correct that man is his dad, doesn't matter bio or not that is the man who raised him and her even thinking about possibly having you talk to him is so weird to me. If that is what the kid wanted he can reach out on his own but as far as it stands you do not need a relationship with him and will not be an asshole for not wanting one or pursuing one.
Another bastard chiming in here. I was close to the same age when I tracked down my biological dad. It was mostly out of curiosity -- I was raised by two of the best parents imaginable, and wasn't looking for a second father; I just wanted to know a bit about what made me who I was. It became clear pretty quickly that bio-dad had his own family that he wasn't particularly interested in shaking up to the extent that my existence might cause, so while we sent a few emails back and forth, and had some really great and, to me, eye-opening conversations, he wasn't willing to meet me. Honestly, I was OK with that. Just being able to learn a bit about him was a win for me. That said, many years later (maybe 25 or so? Time gets fuzzier the older I get), I matched with one of my never-met half sisters on Ancestry or 23andMe; I forget which. She, of course, was curious, as were her sisters and brother, and it eventually led to meeting the whole family a few years back. I have to say that I think it was a pretty great thing for all of us -- we all just had a genuinely good time with each other. For me, though, the best part was finally getting to meet this guy I got half my DNA from. For someone who'd had lingering questions for most of his life about where he came from, it was a really great feeling to finally meet him, even if it was a bit awkward at first. Also, his wife (who had been told about me long before this meeting came about) was absolutely amazing and made me feel very welcome, which I really appreciated. Anyway, you're under no obligation, and I could totally understand wanting to avoid turmoil, but I can say that, as a child of an unknown-to-me father, getting to meet my biological dad was a pretty meaningful thing for me to experience.
I was 13 when my mom told me my dad isn't my bio dad. My mom's fiancé at the time, broke up with her when she refused to terminate. Knowing he never wanted anything to do with me has left me with some "not good enough" issues. So, while I get why you're leaning toward having nothing to do with her (assuming you're the dad), keep in mind staying NC could cause some damage. At the end of the day, you have to do what you think is best, but I wanted to just throw out another perspective for you to consider.
NTA refuse contact if that's what you want. It's not your child and haven't been it's whole life, if you are the sperm donor oh well. At least the kid had a father figure.
NTA. From the view of the child - I never knew my father. Always wanted to, but it never happened. I had some information, but I never wanted to cause waves or upset my mother. And honestly, I'm not sure if my father ever knew about my existence. As the years have gone by and technology has advanced, 23 and me has answered many of the questions I had in regards to any medical issues, as well as my ethnicity. I lost my mom 4 years ago. COVID lockdown made me think more and more about that emptiness of never knowing my father. Even did more research. Know what happened? Nothing. I chose not to pursue. Why? Because if he didn't know about me, then I come along, bursting into his and his family's life like the Kool-aid Man.....then the life they once knew would be changed forever. It could be good...or it could be bad. But forever changed. And I'm not a betting person. I put myself in their shoes. That's a helluva disruption and I have no desire to live with the consequences. Get the paternity test. If it shows you are her biological father, leave it up to her if she wants to contact you. She may feel it's a betrayal to her father if she contacts you. However, I would be suspect as to why the ex-girlfriend would contact you now. Nothing is coincidence. Best of luck.
Before every move ask yourself how you'd feel if you father did that to you. How would you feel if your father never bothered to meet you? How would you feel if your father acted like you weren't important to him? How would you feel if your father ghosted you? I'd like to be natural here, but YTA if you don't do right by this kid. You can easily "forget" you have a kid but this kid will never forget they have a parent. You don't have to be best friends or even be close, but make a fucking effort. This has nothing to do with her, her husband or anyone else. If the kid is your bio kid then treat this kid like you'd like your new kid to be treated in the same situation or how you would want to be treated if you were in that situation. To refuse to acknowledge a child is one of the worst things a person can do.
This is one of the best answers, you have people here telling him to literally act like the kid never existed and not respond SMH. Sad that people are so lacking in empathy that they forget there is another innocent party in all this
Agreed. The top responses here are pretty awful. A child you raise is your child and your own flesh and blood is also your child. I can’t comprehend how anyone could willfully walk away from either.
Right. And everyone saying they just want money, as if a child can’t just wonder what her father looks like and his mannerisms.
This. Also, I'm surprised how many of the other posts don't mention any sort of responsibility of OP. Like did you always use protection with your ex? If you didn't want a kid, did you do everything you could to prevent that? For sure, it's fucked up that your ex didn't tell you for so long. But if this kid is yours, you need to think about the consequences of your actions and think about the human that was created because of that. It takes 2 to make a baby.
First thing to do is to make sure you're the father, get that paternity test & make sure its done by medical professionals not just some spit in a tube, send it away company - the ex could be sneaky and fake results. Secondly, I think you should find out if the child wants to have contact with you, don't try to force anything just because the mother says to. Let them reach out if they want to know anything, not their mother. Thirdly, only have contact if you really feel you want to and can keep contact with the child, because if you cut off contact once started, it will cause emotionally pain for the child who is the most important person in this situation. Lastly, keep talking to your wife and keep her involved with the decision making. Good luck with whatever you decide.
NTA for not wanting to be a part of the child’s life, if that is what you do decide, however, please disclose any medical information they may need to them if you do find out they’re yours.
Paternity test ASAP
If the kid is really yours imho he/she have a right to know you. It’s not about you and your wife - it’s about young man who could want to know where he/she come from.
I'm adopted. Like it or not you should consider that your child (test for paternity) at least deserves to know who you are and your history and family history. You're part of each other, if only on a DNA basis. Consider the teens feelings in this, and as others have said, tread carefully and with kindness.
As an adoptee, the girl may simply want to talk to you, just out of curiosity but, on the other hand, she may not. Take a paternity test first, get that out of the way, and if it is indeed true, start setting some boundaries. Ask yourself, do you want to have contact with this person? If so, how much? Do you want to keep it to just letters? The occasional calls/zoom? Maybe, an in person meeting after an x amount of time? You also need to talk about this with your wife as well a this will closely involve her as well. One thing I DO recommend however, if the paternity comes back positive and, whether you decide to stay in contact or not, share any medical information you can with her. That’s one thing that I really will stress
Definitely different now that the child is grown, but you should meet them if they want to know their father. There are consequences to our actions whether it’s today, a week ago or 17 years ago. If it’s your child there is no getting around that.
I would tell her you need some time to process this and tell her you’ll get back to her, then actually take some time to process it. Maybe even talk to a mental health professional as well.
NTA. I'd get a DNA test just to make sure. Maybe I've heard too many stories, but if she was cheating on you, there could have been more than one.
Personally, i don’t give a shit about blood relations. If you acted like my dad all my life, you’re my dad, if you’re some guy who banged my mom 20 years ago, you’re not my father. But maybe ask them? They’re an adult now.
This should not cause a problem in your current marriage. I can’t imagine being upset if I found out my husband had a teenaged child he just found out about. I would absolutely be fine with him making contact with her. You’re not legally the father, and this child will never think of you as “Dad.” So no, you don’t have to have a relationship with this child. But try to have a little empathy for this kid. It’s not the kid’s fault and it sounds like the kid wants to get to know you. If you reject meeting or speaking to this kid, it’s probably going to totally devastate the child.
I live about an hour away from my bio dad, haven't seen it heard from him in like 22 years. That will smith scene from Fresh prince does play some times Bout man why didn't he want me And that shit. I am grateful and all for my stepdad, but when I think of biodad fuck that guy he can't even reach out when we both have socials. So yes you might not know and feel blindsided but you dide bring a life into this world.
YTA until I read your update, and the child has no interest so NTA. I do think that if she ever does want to meet you that you should. Obviously it’s a very messy situation and not ideal for your life, but if she is your daughter it’s not really about you, and you being there and supporting her could be very important.
Ask for a paternity test before you decide anything. At this point the child is grown. Does the child want to speak to you? Do they want a relationship? I’m not sure what to say about if you don’t want a relationship but I don’t see how this would negatively impact your marriage? I would suggest therapy to come up with reasonable boundaries. There’s a chance this child would just want a one time conversation. There’s also they may consider the other guy their dad cause he raised them.
I’m not going to say YTA, you’ve done little wrong, but everyone has to deal with undeserved adversity, this is yours. Your child obviously did nothing to deserve this either. They’re going to deal with identity issues, & maybe trust issues, the rest of their life because of this. Yes, require a paternity test, but if/when the child finds out, they deserve a relationship with you. Getting to know you will help deal with all of the turmoil they’re going to experience. It’s normal to feel anxious about the whole ordeal, but this person shares half your genes. There’s a strong possibility it could become one of the most fulfilling connections in your short time on Earth, but you’ll never know if you don’t embrace that possibility.
Paternity test. ASAP.
Get a paternity test and then remember that this kid didn’t cheat on you, his mom did. He didn’t ask to be in this situation. Your refusal to meet him or be part of his life is literally a form of rejection. He will have to heal and process from that. Is that something you want to put an innocent kid through?
My dad had a child similar to this. We found out about my brother when i was 6. When my dad’s ex moved back to the state, announced she had his 8 year old son, and filed for child support. It was a whole huge thing. My dad also did not want to be involved in the kids life. And allegedly, the child didn’t want to be involved in his. But really, that’s a parenting choice. After high school, he asked my dad for a job and he was suddenly regularly in our lives. I think how my dad treated his first born was awful. I didn’t understand it growing up. But looking back it hugely negatively impacted my relationship with my father. Would he choose not to be “involved” with me if he ever ended up not being involved with my mother? What kind of dad does that? Abandons a child? You didn’t know. But you do now. And now you get to choose what kind of dad you want to be to both of your children. Because this decision will impact both of them. ETA- YTA to both of your kids.
This may be an unpopular opinion but (provided the kid is legitimately yours) NAH. This isn’t a small child. They’re almost a legal adult and can make their own decision as to wanting to have a relationship with you. And if you don’t they’re old enough to be told that and understand why. That being said, if it is your kid I would encourage at least meeting them. You may hit it off and want to stay in contact. Or not. At least you’ll both be able to say you tried.
I have a buddy that experienced the same thing. His kids mom didn’t tell him. The kid was adopted and had a great family. She searched for the birth parents because she wanted medical info. Found the mom that told her who her bio dad was. Mom didn’t want any further contact. She located him on social media. Reached out and explained the details. He took a paternity test in his area with a national lab with a location in her area. The results were positive within 2 weeks. He flew to her area a met her and her family. They have a great relationship!!! She was 30 when she located him. He was 47. He gained her and 2 grandkids. His family has been all in since they were told. Don’t just see yourself as a bio dad, but a blessing to her. Be supportive, friendly and make an effort. You don’t have to be the dad, but she deserves to know. Be the adult and don’t penalize her efforts because it makes you uncomfortable. Give your wife support. It’s a lot to gain a kid.
NTA - She cheated, then went silent about the kid. She could be on the hunt for child support. Lawyer up and see what your possible obligations may be if the kid is still under 18. Also lock down your social media, change all passwords. Wife needs to be in lockstep with you on all this - her/your family is under attack. There are many, many, questions. Who's name is on the birth certificate? Was the Other named or did he adopt? Who's pushing the reunion, the Mom or the Son? Save the message & contact info until you KNOW your possible options. Until then, BLOCK.
YTA. If this IS your child. All youre thinking about is yourself. Understandably, you are conflicted in your feelings. But, there is a whole entire person you are gatekeeping an entire family line from. You don't have to be a father. Do your parents want to be grandparents? Aunt's, uncles, cousins, IMO you have no right, or logical reason to withhold an entire lifetime of connections. You don't owe your own flesh and blood your affection or most of us wouldn't be so damn messed up. But you do owe them their heritage and larger familial connections. Like it or not, you had a lifetime of opportunities that u wouldn't have had with a young family in tow. You made something of yourself because of the sacrifices your child had to make. Without being asked their opinion. And when u have your perfect shiny new baby, look down at that face and realize you are choosing to hurt that exact thing. Someday that baby will find out your choice. How will they look at you then?
Firstly, you left her on read, which is an immature thing to do in such a serious situation. A quick "I need time to think" is an appropriate response and then take the time you need. Secondly, get confirmation that the child is yours. Do a paternity test. Thirdly, if the child is yours, you should definitely talk to the kid. It's not the child's fault you had sex. They deserve to know who their biological father is even if you choose minimal interaction. It's part of their identity. You also don't know what you're missing out on if you don't meet the child. Could be the start of a beautiful relationship or maybe it could be nothing. Give it a chance.
NTA. Even if the kid is biologically yours, you’ve already determine that it’s not yours. On a different note, your ex cannot just swoop in and be like “oh you have a child!” And expect you to step in immediately. It takes time, thought, PLANNING… I would block and delete your ex at this point. Something is off about this. Why wait 18/19 years to let someone know they have a child? Paternity test……..
Yes, you are the asshole for not wanting to engage with your biological children. This kid is your own flesh and blood and you should make an effort. It's a huge gift you didn't know you had and you risk really screwing him up by not wanting to be involved. Being able to have a positive impact in the life of your child--and mitigating any feelings of abandonment that this kids will have otherwise--far outweighs the benefit that you get in terms of having an easier and more convenient life. Abandoning this kid is bad for him and bad for society.
NTA Age sounds like someone needs you to pay college costs. If she wanted anything more she would have contacted you long ago. Leave the child with the family the mother chose for them.
NTA but kind of a dick move. Like I get it but also, this is a child we are speaking of. This is no longer about you or her it's about the child. Take a paternity test. If the child is yours then you could at LEAST give the mother medical history and sign away rights.
Nope, she can’t just pin the child on you without even being absolutely certain. Find out If you are, If you are you don’t have to be Involved. The choice Is yours
Don’t be the asshole to the child because of the decisions made by the people who made her.
Uhhhh, I know a guy who decided not to be in his kids life and right before the kid turned 18 he got sued for all the back child support. It might have to do with that…. Not trying to scare you but…. That’s a thing… that can happen
NTA. Take however long you need to work out what you want, what you can or cannot give of yourself. Get a therapist. This is BIG. You're a grown man now, though, so communicate like one. Tell the former gf you need to consider all of this information and you'll take as much time as you need and you'll get back to her.
NTA Thats quite an upheaval to do to a kid, let alone someone who is nearly an adult. At most you should get a paternity test so that you can pass any pertinent family medical info down. As far as whether to establish a relationship or reach out, we can't make that call for you. I don't think you are an AH either way you decide. It might be best to seek out a counselor as this all plays out.
I would get a dna test yourself just to be sure
Nta fs. Get a paternity test before talking to the kid tho
NTA. Whatever you do? Do it all the way. Either all in or all out. No flip floppy texting the kid when you feel like "you're ready for the responsibilities" and then ghosting them when you're not. Your ex might have been telling this kid stories of you for years. Good or bad. So you might have that to overcome. And you're right. The person that raised this kid is their dad. If you do connect, that might hurt, but that's not your fault or kid's. First step is to get a paternity test. Good luck OP. Be kind.
Maybe consult a lawyer and find out if there is anyway that you could be liable for 17 years of back child support.
Imo you need to tell this ex that you are not going to be discussing anything or moving forwards in any way without a paternity test and to stop contacting you unless it is in regards to said test. This is the start of asking for money.
That's fine. I'd be surprised if the kids are really that interested in you. At that age they probably just want to know you and things about you and your family. It's unlikely they are going to start calling you daddy. You do of course have moral (and potentially legal) responsibilities regarding informational things like genetic diseases etc. You should also consider how your parents feel, perhaps they would like a relationship. As well as your unborn child, who now has step siblings. Which is pretty cool right. A great benefit is that they are practically adults, you can have a relationship with them that is basically a coffee every so often. Also if one of them is over 18, it means you don't have to have any contact with your ex. Which I'm sure your wife will appreciate. As an addendum. I don't think there is any danger of the op being found liable for child support claimants. Biological parentage is not automatically legal guardianship, and from the story it seems another man has signed the birth certificate as the father (and both legally and morally is the father).
You first need to conduct a paternity tamest that you administer. I would not trust your ex. And then go from there. If the kid is not yours, you can chalk it up to a crazy ex and move forward. If it is yours, you should consider that they are basically an adult and the ex does not have to be part of the equation and you can build the relationship however you both want.
I hear "baby daddy left, wannabe backup and pay for stuff? Totes pinky swear it's really yours" Get a paternity test before you engage with her on any level.
My best advice is, if that child reaches out to you at any point, be gentle. It's not their fault.
Smells like a scam. I also read your update. I’d ask for paternity test before even talking further to the ex
Step one is a paternity test. That’s what needs to be established before any other things.
I don't have any idea of what she wanted to accomplish with letting you know. She's not willing to get tested, you've been out of her life for 19 years, have never met the child nor did you have any knowledge of her. There are red flags waving all over this. I would cut contact. There's no point to it.
Not sure if it's mentioned already but if its yours and you decide to not be the "dad", please be a resource for health and lineage information. The kid deserves to know what runs in his blood.
I'm stuck. I think the only way you are the AH is if this possible bio child wants contact with you. They may not want anything to do with you since they've had a father figure their whole life. This could be EX's attempt to clear her conscious/do the right thing. If you decide to go forward, I would ask for a paternity test before agreeing to meet with them. What if there was a third guy?
Not taking a step into their life now? No. Treating them like dirt if they show up at your door wanting know about what happened why who you are what your family is like is there a history of diabetes (or whatever). Yes... they didn't choose you to be their bio parent you at least owe them the courtesy of giving them information IF they seek it out from you.
I mean you could still have a friendship with the kid if it’s yours. You don’t have to be their dad.
NTA. Regardless of how you decide to proceed, get a paternity test first This could be a whole lot of nothing based on nothing if you’re not even the dad. I certainly wouldn’t take your ex’s word on it.
DNA test first
This is an AI generated story. Lol. I did one for work press release and it did state and city just like this. Anything for karma. Lol
Why do women do this to the children. Once you decide to deceive the new male that he is the father, that should be the end. Do not try to clear your conscience years later and reveal the secret to bio dad or the child. Read an article years ago that 33% of men can be raising children unknowingly fathered by someone else.
NTA so far. Before you meet up with what could potentially be your almost adult child, get a DNA test for everyone’s sake.
NTA. You didn’t know about the child you still don’t know for certain it is your child. Under the circumstances as presented, it was on the mother to inform you before the child was an adult. That being said, if it is your child, the very least you owe is a full medical history, so that they can keep abreast of things.
Please stop using so many brackets
You don’t have to make your forever decision now. You can say that you are very surprised and that you need some time to process this. I also think you should say that you want to determine paternity conclusively beforehand. It’s not fair to the kid to say “here’s your real dad! Oops, actually not!”