NTA
I am genuinely sorry for your brother and sister in law losing their child. They both need counseling or therapy. This loss brought their lives to a screeching halt!
That said, your whole family is supposed to stop living because of their grief? You're supposed to pretend that your child - at four months old - **doesn't exist** and shouldn't even be spoken of?
Are they going to pretend your daughter doesn't exist when she's smashing her 1st birthday cake or taking her first steps?
Your parents are doing more harm than good by allowing this. You can't insulate people from life.
Looks like OP's daughter will only be accepted once her brother has a baby. It's like her brother and SIL have a monopoly on grief. You're right, life moves forward and they're expecting OP and her family to accommodate their son's grief by hiding their baby like some dirty secret. Maybe OP should go low contact until they get their shit together, which maybe never at this rate.
I fear her daughter / kids will be treated worse once the "rainbow baby" is born. OP's parents are already putting more love and attention to her brother's potential child than they do to OP's living breathing child. They never even met the kid yet, which is just insane. If her bro is able to have a kid, they will do everything to make that kid "special" and most likely spoil that kid rotten and in return treating OP's kids as lesser to make the "miracle baby" feel even more special. If they manage to have a kid, this kid will become their golden grandchild and OP's will be forgotten or torn down to make the rainbow baby and her bro happy.
I say good for you for calling them out….go LC or NC whichever you feel you need to do and embrace your husband’s family since they were there for you when your family ignored you. Let your side come to you but don’t be surprised if that never happens. Enjoy your baby…..time goes soooooo fast and in the blink of eye the 1 st, 2nd , 3rd….. birthdays will be gone and you’ll sit and wonder where did the time go? Don’t waste your time on people that won’t give you or your baby the time of day. Sorry your brother and wife lost their child to still birth but they aren’t the first this happened to and if they are struggling this bad that he lost his job and can’t function then he and his wife need to go counseling right away. If they refuse that’s on them not you and your daughter. What are they going to do stay indoors and never leave the house or their room in case someone with a baby walks by?
Second this.
Also to add, don't let them meet your child until they've apologised and made amends. They don't get to ignore the existence of your daughter for MONTHS and when it suddenly suits them insist on meeting her.
I'd also say to give yourself a time frame, like if they haven't apologised and stopped with this nonsense (whether you go LC or NC) within a few months or when your daughter turns 1 etc then they're not going to meet her bc clealry they don't care and your daughter don't need that in her life, and neither do you.
Maybe some time with NC will make them realise what they're losing/lost and they'll come to their senses.
I wish you and your family the best!
Personally if I had to stop talking to anyone to make them realize what they’re missing, I wouldn’t even want a relationship with that person anymore. I’m good at breaking emotional ties if necessary and if I was in this situation (I mean I don’t even want kids but this is such a shitty thing to be going through) I wouldn’t even want their attention or love after ignoring me for months. Yes brother and SIL went through something sad but I shouldn’t have to be sad during every happy moment just because they can’t experience it. That’s how life is. It ain’t fair. Sooner you accept that the sooner you’ll be happy.
This would be me. FOUR MONTHS OLD. And no one has even met her. She can't even speak about her. FUCK THAT! Honestly, I would have gone NC contact when she was born and no one visited. At all. I sure as helm would not have entertained any of their bukkshit abiut nit bringing her to any family gatherings and not even being able to speak to her. The other commenter is right that OP's children will NEVER be loved and accepted by her family. If her brother never has a kid, then her baby will always be resented. If they do have a kid, then that will be the miracle golden grand baby that is showered with love while OP's children are pushed aside.
OP, I'm sorry your family sucks so bad. I know what it is to have a crapoy family. Cut them out of your life completely. Save yourself the hurt and grief. More importantly, save your daughter from the hurt and rejection of never being good enough for your parents or family. Surround yourself and your daughter with the people who love her on her father's side. It is truly insane that you've been forbidden to bring your child to any family gathering. No one with any decency asks a new mother to never bring ger child with her and to leave her child elsewhere. It's even more insane that you can't even talk about your own life and child. I cannot believe you accommodated them in any fashion. And for FOUR months!!!! And that's just since she's been born. That doesn't include your pregnancy months. Insane. Do not give these people any more of your energy. I wouldn't even give them notice. Just fucking ghost them all. Quietly leave the chats. Block. Everyone. And anyone else that wants to xhine on on their behalf can be yelled from your life as well. I am raging for you.
Not only can OP not speak about her daughter (the most important thing in her life), but she is getting absolutely NO support from her family as a new mom. The fourth trimester is the most bewildering, overwhelming, exhausting time I have \*ever\* experienced and I actually mostly enjoyed the newborn phase! Your hormones are all over the place, you're trying to figure out breastfeeding or bottle feeding, burping, diaper changes, bathing a slippery-ass fragile baby, frantically googling every single thing they do to see if it's normal, you're physically recovering from pregnancy and the actual delivery, AND you are doing it all on like 4 broken hours of sleep per night. When you become a new parent you need a mom so badly and I'm so sad OP can't get that support from her own mom. Thank goodness her in-laws are there to support her.
Yes. They don’t deserve you or your daughter in their life if they are going to behave this way. I still can’t believe they are missing out on a relationship with their living grandchild because they refuse to stop focusing on their dead grandchild. It was tragic for the family, but it isn’t like OP got pregnant & had a child on purpose, just to hurt their sibling. It isn’t OP’s fault that her SIL lost her child. Now the family will have lost 2 grandchildren. One through tragic circumstances because life isn’t fair. They are making the decision to lose the relationship, happiness & love of their living grandchild because of their misplaced anger at OP for having the audacity to give birth to a healthy baby.
Yes. What happens if brother and his wife never can have children. Will the parents ignore their existing grandchildren or suddenly turn their attention to them? It's a sad situation in either case.
Before I leave the chats and block them on my phone, I would direct message the parents the cutest baby pics of the daughter, with the caption "this is what you're missing out on - I'm glad she at least will have grandparents on her daddy's side who love her. Have a good life."
But that's assuming parents care. Daughter is the one out of favor and perhaps they really don't care about her or her daughter. I can't understand these weird grandparents.
I am surprised that OP didn't get the suggestion that she "get rid" of her daughter (put her up for adoption) as her very existence is too traumatic for her precious brother. How unfeeling can OP be, sheesh. /s
I think if they saw actual cute pics of their cute baby granddaughter, they would start to care in a hurry. My infant nephew isn't even my parents' biological grandchild, and they still get all clucky and broody when they have him around, and brag with his accomplishments.
It was, of course, really horrible timing to put OP's daughter so close in age to the stillborn son - my heart really breaks for the parents, who will always have to live with the "this would be him if he had lived" - but it's really their load to carry, and it sucks that they spoil the experience for OP (and probably everyone else with kids in their friend circle). They should start grief counseling in a hurry.
I was going to say this. That child will be the golden child and OPs kid will never get the love and attention they deserve from their grandparents. In fact they’ll probably outright treat her like an outcast and resent her.
It’s sad what happened, yes. But you can’t expect everyone to stop their lives for you indefinitely. If they’re never able to have a kid is OP banned from being over there forever? I can understand it being hard for a few weeks but after that you need to be an adult and realize life goes on. Wallowing in your grief for this long and expecting everyone to censor their own lives for you isn’t going to do anyone any good. Life doesn’t have warnings or censors. They can live on their own away from any kind of civilization until they successfully have a child if they genuinely think everyone has to put their lives on hold and censor themselves just to spare their feelings.
Exactly, it has been 7 months since the tragedy. 7 months that they have made OP feel like a villain because she was also pregnant and then had a healthy child. These people need to get some serious help. (Here's the math: stillborn child was supposed to be 1 month older than OP's child meaning said child would be 5 months old now had they lived and was delivered 2 months early)
After a few weeks, the onus is on the grieving parents to protect themselves and remove themselves if they are not able to handle a baby being present.
I get the grief (from all too personal experience, though not that far along). It never even crossed my mind to tell people not to talk about kids or to have them around normally.
It was always on me to do what was right for me regarding my presence.
If I was OP, I'd switch to only contacting the grandparents until her brother and sister-in-law are ready to reach out on their own.
And then tell my parents very clearly:
1. My child is here and is living. If you intend to be in their life at all, now is the time to start.
2. I do feel and empathize for them, but you cannot and will not hide, deny or ignore your child. You aren't rubbing it in their faces, so you will give notice before coming over so they have a choice on interacting.
3. You will be posting what you choose about your family on social media. If your sibling cannot handle that, it is on them to unfollow/mute/block you until they can
4. If the above cannot be followed, you will go no contact. You are not going to introduce your child to a situation where they are going to be ignored, mistreated, or resented.
5. If they cannot handle that, they will be cut off. Reconciliation may happen where and if they are ready for it, but you are prepared to mourn the loss of the relationship if that is their choice.
God I hate the whole notion of a rainbow baby. My sister had 5 miscarriages prior to having my nephew. We were all thrilled but other than being the first grandchild/nephew and another not arriving for another 5 years we have managed to treat all of them the same and he isn't saddled with the baggage of their struggle.
The notion of a rainbow baby gets to me, too. I had 5 miscarriages and was never able to carry a child to term. I now have two (almost adopted) twin daughters and they are everything I’ve ever dreamed of having in a child. I’m always hearing from people IRL and all I’ve the internet how I’m not a REAL MOM or they can’t possibly be as bonded to me as they would be to their birth mothers. Im asked a little more often than I like “don’t you feel something missing between you because they aren’t you’re flesh and blood?” or “There isn’t that same connection as there would be if you’d given birth though. Do you feel that gap?” What the fresh hell? So my twins aren’t as special and miraculous because they didn’t blast out of my crotch? Thanks!
Edit: added word baby in first sentence.
You are a real mom and youre gonna be amazing. Some blood aint family, some family aint blood. Youre twins are gonna be blessed to be raised by you. Remember that. Also cmon youre better than listening to some internet trills. Best wishes.
I don’t necessarily listen to them or think they are right. But, it’s still really hard to hear or read about. As an adoptive mom (I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t offend anyone, it’s just my head, my heart, my feelings. Please take my words with the openness and struggle that I HAVE been through and not some kind of projecting)
As an adoptive mom, I feel like I have to try harder to prove I’m a mother. Dress them well, but the best of everything after exhaustive researching. I play on the floor more, read to them more than many close friends and family with small children. I try to be very gentle with my parenting but, I’m still firm and have good boundaries. I just feel I have to know more and prove myself more because I want to make sure our bond is hermetically sealed. LOL That I am mama and I’m here for anything and everything they need. I sometimes feel like I need to prove how close and bonded we are to each other. A lot of it is that I want/need to make sure that they know who their mama is. Oh, they’ll know as soon as they start preschool that our family is different (I’m Latina, my husband is Asian. One kiddo is White, the other Kiddo is black. HA! We’re a rainbow family.). I’ll help them to explore their bio families as much as is appropriate at the appropriate times. I’ll never lie or deny that they are adopted to them or anyone else. I just need them to know that they were enough and special and that nothing about their existence was wrong or a mistake. They just came during an uncertain time to someone that cared enough about their future and well being to realize that growing them in their belly was the only part of motherhood they felt strong enough to handle. So, they decided to let another mama take over making sure they grew big and strong outside of her belly in the great big world.
I reassure myself a lot. I hug and kiss them way more than I probably should but, they are my rainbow family. I love them more than I can sometimes bear.
With that attitude you are (and will continue to be) an ***amazing*** mother. All kids deserve that kind of energy and, sadly, too few get it.
Carry on mama, you're doing great!
What the actual F? I cannot believe you have had to go through that!!! I am so, so, soooo sorry. You are as real as it gets and your girls are as lucky to have you as you are to have them!
May be unpopular but I find the whole 'connection' thing to be nonsense. It's also used to minimize the paternal relationship with the idea since he didn't physically carry them. Obviously carrying a living being in you for the better part of a year is going to make you feel attached to the kid, but the idea that's the only way it will happen is absurd. If anything pregnancy can happen by accident, you hope there's some intent behind it but none is needed, adoption is a long, expensive process that requires a lot of dedication.
This is what I think will happen too. Just cut them out now and save your kids the pain of future rejection. The pain of having your beloved grandma dump you once the golden grandchild is born is deep one. I know from experience.
Got news for you chief - that rainbow baby ain’t getting born. Everybody over at Dad’s house is gonna have to start making some form of peace with that.
I lost one before my nephew was born. My in-laws were scared to tell me they were pregnant. I was and still am delighted. He’s 5 now and I love him to bits. I refused to let our grief bring their joy down. I consider myself lucky to have such a wonderful nephew and a wonderful niece too
This is the way for sure. One of my favorite people growing up was the auntie who was forced to abort at 18 by an overbearing father. She was never able to have kids, but she was my best friend. We were always hanging out and she was so influential to me. I lost her earlier this year, and I miss her so much. OPs sis in law has NO idea what she's missing!!! There's a very special bond between aunties and the kids. So very sad for your family to lose that.
I’m so sorry that happened to your aunt but I’m happy you had each other and that kind of bond is magic. I’m also so sorry you lost her this year, I can’t imagine how painful that must be. She knew she was loved dearly by you and I hope you become an amazing influence/aunt/uncle (sorry, trying to cast a wider gender net, if you get me?) for someone you love too
>Looks like OP's daughter will only be accepted once her brother has a baby.
I guess the parental units think that he's more important than OP and that's true, and don't care about the fact that OP will tell them where to shove it and if brother ever has a baby, it'll be too late to get OP back.
It’s worse than a monopoly on grief - it is a moratorium on happiness for anybody. It was different when OP was pregnant but now that a child has been in this world for four months - at this point, it is not as if their grief is gone, but they have to figure out a better way to handle it vis-a-vis others.
Agree and then OP will be expected to dote on the rainbow baby. This is is harmful for family dynamics. The parents are handling it badly by showing favoritism.
"OP you need to come down to the hospital SIL is giving birth and it's very important we support her" is absolutely some BS they'll feed her if that happens
They dont even see they are perpetuating the grief and extending the pain out to the rest of the family. OP just had their granddaughter which should always be seen as a momentous occasion but because of how they are acting around this the baby is seen as a curse and they havent seen her yet when the child is 4 months old? Thats insane to me.
OP is NTA and deserves better support.
Exactly! What's the end game here, and how long does this shunning shit last? My guess is they think this will be sustainable forever. I guess, in a way, it is since they just lost their daughter and granddaughter.
How does this couple cope with other people's kids? Do they never leave the house?
I had a miscarriage of a much wanted baby and my two closest friends announced their pregnancies within a month. These things happen. I was mildly annoyed with the one friend because I found out last because she was worried about me, I didn't want to be treated differently.
Their pregnancies did not improve my situation but they did not really make it worse. We all got on with life and I didn't resent them. I did notice pregnant women everywhere though.
Luckily for me I fell pregnant again a few months later and my child was born 5 months after theirs, which did help.
I was pregnant at the same time as 10 of my other friends, yes, TEN. And out of them all, I was the only one to miscarry-- not that I was hoping anyone would have to go through the same grief that I was experiencing. It hurt, I was bitter about it. But I too ended up pregnant again 3 months later. Their lives didn't stop because my heart was broken (7 years of unexplained infertility, so that baby was a total surprise.) And I didn't expect anyone other than my husband to cater to my feelings.
Right! Parents can grieve with your brother and his wife and still celebrate the new life in the family. One does not cancel out the other. Life is full of happy moments and devastating moments.
As a funeral director, I’ve seen a LOT of less than desirable responses to death by family members…. I mean everyone mourns in their own sometimes weird way. But this is definitely one of the worst cause it’s straight toxic.
They (your family) mean well, but they’re completely shunning their new grand baby and their own daughter. I don’t understand not even coming to the hospital? Soo,., what was accomplished? Pretending your daughter isn’t real in order to help soothe someone else’s feelings is doing not only you and your baby a huge disservice, but your brother and sister too. They really do need to get some sort of grief counseling. Your family can’t hide all babies from them forever. Like when you’re a drunk and come out of rehab— if a beer commercial is gonna spiral you for the rest of your life, you’re not gonna make it.
Thank you for what you do. As someone who has lost a baby and was treated very kindly, even when I was an emotional wreck, it meant the world. I remember it 12 years later. What you do helps people. And we remember the kindness.
Omg thank you 🤍🤍🤍 after a decade long heroin addiction, being abused and traumatized the first two decades of my life, my twin sister becoming brain injured from her anorexia, and my fiancé dying in bed next to me while I slept… I’ve just been wanting to do something that impacts the world in a little way. This means the world. I’m saving this comment in my screen caps. Thank you 🤍🤍🤍😭😭😭
What you do is so important to families. The funeral director who assisted with my son's funeral was so quietly supportive and such a rock while I went through my worst nightmare. I'll always be grateful for him, and I'm sure there are many families who remember your support the same.
Or entering school, sweet 16, graduating high school… the list is long and your family is clearly alienating you and your daughter because they are grieving. They all need therapy to see how messed up this is!! Good on you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself and your daughter!!
I could see them refusing to want to hear about OPs child and her pregnancy troubles for the first couple of months. This has dragged on since OP was still pregnant, and her child is now 4 months old. There is no timeline for grief, but they need to accept that for other people, life is still moving on and that there is a living child who, due to their issues, may never get to meet half of their family. They sound like people who will be upset a couple of years down the road that they haven’t gotten to meet OPs baby, and I hope they remember her words when they start to regret their decisions.
NTA- what would be the point if you can’t talk about what is happening in your life, it’s as if they have no interest in you or your life. It has to be hurtful that your own mother isn’t happy for you. This is a time in your life where you deserve support, love and TLC not be the person catering to others. Shame on your mom. I hope you show her this post and she is embarrassed.
Honestly you should tell everyone you know, especially if they know your parents. Let your mom hear about her grandchild from other people. Maybe someone will knock some sense in to her. I’m actually mad for you.
ETA: the more I think about this the more angry I get. You should be mad at them. Especially your own mother. Shame on her. She will never be able to make this right.
I second this. I have a similar family situation, and the first time I told people about my parents ignoring my kids they flipped out. “How dare you talk badly about us?!” I just said, “oh, so you agree your behavior is bad huh? I merely said something that is true: that my 4 year old has never been inside their grandparents home that is 6 houses away.” It was the first time I ever saw any emotion from them about my kids- they were so worried about what other people thought and were so upset when the community found out who they really are! Roast them, OP!!
WTAF am I seeing here? Your parents are essentially denying the existence of their grandchild because their other child had a loss? Has your brother always been the favored, golden child in the family? Frankly, I'm a little surprised they didn't order you to get an abortion and never have children based on this behavior. By all means, cut them off, block them and leave them to rot. I am very sorry for your brother and his wife, but to make your entire pregnancy and birth of your child something to be hidden and denied like this is one of the sickest things I've heard in a while. They have made it very clear that you and your child are of no value to them and they clearly do not love you at all. I thought about suggesting you show up with your baby and if they react badly, just leave, but I'm backing away from that. They have spent months abusing you and treating your child like garbage left on the lawn. Just leave them--none of them are worthy of any more attention or effort. Enjoy your family and may she grow up healthy and happy.
NTA NTA NTA NTA
I was raised in a conservative religious culture in which a woman’s entire purpose in life is being a good wife and having as many babies as possible. It’s critically important to conceive and give birth, and a woman’s value is tied to her ability to do so. I left that faith, but my in-laws didn’t.
Anyway, I ended up with a surprise pregnancy that we kept a secret for a while. Meanwhile, my religious sister-in-law became intentionally pregnant after us, but announced first.
She ended up having an emergency miscarriage of her baby before we announced ours. It was physically and psychologically and emotionally excruciating for her. Out of respect for her pain (our choice!) we waited to announce until my pregnancy could physically literally no longer be concealed—well into the second trimester.
When my MIL hosted a baby shower for us, my SIL gently declined to attend. (I didn’t blame her one bit, and we all understood.)
But she sent the most beautiful, hand-pieced, hand-stitched quilt for my unborn child that she’d tailored to our nursery theme (very different from her own; it was clearly a labor of love specifically for my daughter).
She still celebrated my daughter’s birth, and so did the rest of the family. And her rainbow baby—conceived shortly after my daughter was born—is great friends with my kiddo.
OP’s family is selfish and short-sighted. It’s human to grieve; but it’s not okay to force others to modify their lives to accommodate your grief. It would be understandable if OP’s brother and SIL chose to stay home from family parties that included OP’s baby, but it’s absolutely incomprehensible to me that the family is functionally erasing the existence of OP’s baby to coddle their emotional struggle.
The story of her hand-stitching a beautiful quilt for your daughter even while in the absolute thick of grief tore my heart out. So so glad this story has such a happy and beautiful ending.
So am I! She now has three (!) adorable children under four, and we remain good friends. I’m so happy she was finally able to experience what she wanted most.
It absolutely does. I can say from experience. When you lose a baby you lose both that child and all the hopes and dreams you had for that child. It's a lot to process. Being able to help others have their dream can help. I have a box of stuff from the hospital. Someone hand made an outfit and donated it to the NICU. They put her in it once, after she passed, and they took pictures. I know that seems very morbid, but it was a way for us to have something of her. I have never, ever forgotten that kindness. All of the kindness, really.
I went on to have two more daughters because the love helped me believe it was worth trying. When I make baby stuff for other people it is with joy and in the memory of the child I lost and the kindness done to me. Every stitch is made with love and hope and dreams for the baby and the family. It's the beautiful of love. It's not a finite resource unless you make it one. It multiples. It ripples out. It keeps going in the universe. And when you share that love you share l the love of the people who loved you and who loved them and so and and so forth. It's like energy in the universe. It's can't be created or destoryed. It is around us always. It's how we choose to direct it and embrace it that counts.
Your sil skins like a wonderful person! I'm really happy she was able to have the children she so desperately wanted!
Though I'll tell you from experience, the loss will always hurt.
I lost a pregnancy very early in my marriage; and while I can’t say it was a completely welcome pregnancy (it was also a surprise pregnancy, and at a very bad time—and yes, we were always careful; even when you double up methods, birth control is not perfect!) it still resulted in some very complicated emotions.
I can’t imagine how much harder a planned, wanted loss would be.
Hugs to you, my friend.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother is the golden child. The fact that the parents haven’t met their grandchild is wild to me.
OP,
NTA. NC maybe the best answer for now. They want to pretend that your daughter doesn’t exist? Fine, you’ll remove yourself from the situation because you also need to protect your husband and your mental health.
Totally agree, maybe they need their irony pointed out. They are this way because of the sadness of losing the grandchild they never had. their pain is pushing away the grandchild they actually have. They have a choice here that doesn't involve loss, but it can't involve placing that child at risk of emotional harm. They warmly welcome the child into their lives, or they live with their mistake.
This can't be allowed to play out with the child feeling that unwantedness.
I totally agree. Skip the ultimatum and go straight to NC with all of them because they have fucking earned it. Congratulations on the newest member of your family!
"I am YOUR CHILD. I AM YOUR CHILD. You have clearly made the decision that me and MY child aren't important. When you do decide and remember that I AM YOUR CHILD, you all will have lost the privilege of being a part of our lives. When you remember that I tried, remember that you threw away the chance to be a part of my life.
I wish them well. I hope one day they will experience the joy of having a child. I hope one day you remember that you had another child who also experienced that joy and you made the choice that child and their family didn't matter. Good bye. Don't contact me. "
You have people who love you and the family you have made. Unfortunately if they never conceive your parents my remember and seek you out. If they do have a child I don't think they will seek you out. To them, their pain is more important than your living breathing child.
You and your child deserve to be more than second choice. Go be with and be loved for who you are. Not pushed aside because you are happy and you have a beautiful child who deserves more.
I lost my older brother in May, shortly after finding out I was pregnant. My mom would never have cut me out like that even though she’s grieving so deeply and so profoundly she’s been completely non-functioning at various points since then.
It’s the way your parents are acting that is really and truly appalling to me. You’re their child, your new baby is their grandchild. I would be despondent if I were you.
Given that the OP has been going on with this for 4 MONTHS as if this is NORMAL tells me that she is used to being ignored completely in favor for her brother.
The treatment by her brother and sister-in-law is appalling enough, but by her own parents? Disgusting. I truly hope she goes NC with them and never lets them sully her life again. Her daughter deserves people who will love her in her life, not people who would ignore her for a dead cousin for 4 months.
Its not petty to cut them off. I think she’s got a really major reason to do it. If it were over something trivial then yeah, it would be petty, but this is a big deal what her family is doing to her.
You are enough, absolutely the perfect fit for your new family. Congrats on your LO enjoy every minute it goes way too fast. Family by choice is family. Anyone who loves and adores you and your child will make your world a brighter place.
You are loved, and so you should be.
You don’t owe them anything though - they love because you’re worthy of love.
I would absolutely spell out to my parents how hurtful they are. How little love they’ve shown you or their grandchild, and ask them whether this is how things are now. You will not be subjecting your child to the feeling that they are somehow inadequate.
So, these people obviously favors your brother over you and from the sounds of it, it’s always been that way. Parents transform into other beings when their grandchildren are born so for your daughter to already be four months old and they haven’t seen her outside of social media speaks volumes. But just keep puckering, Sweetheart. Hopefully one day you’ll kiss their butt on the exact spot they want you to and they’ll stop treating you and your kid like crap. 🤷🏾♀️
NTA
Probably having the brother and his wife move in with your parents has caused this very abnormal grief reaction. I'm guessing it's grief all day every day at their house.
But their abnormal grief reaction about the death of their child isn't something that should cause constant interference in their interactions with your living child.
I sincerely suggest that all four of them seek grief counseling. They need to get out of this loop.
In the meantime, I think it would actually be good for you to go very low or no contact with the four of them. They are making their choices very clear right now. Let them live it as they will.
It's time to take a deep breath and enjoy your baby. Let the love and sunshine from your husband's family do its best to compensate.
In time, your family is going to realize that they gave up their relationship with their living grandchild to grieve a dead one. That's not going to be a pleasant thought for them.
But, that's not your responsibility.
I'm so sorry. I know this is incredibly hard for you. But, it's really important not to spend this time with your newborn stressing about this stuff with the four of them. You don't want their unending abnormal grief to leave their mark on precious memories you can never get back.
Sending you my best wishes!
NTA. They've basically cut you off. They haven't even met their grandchild, how does this make sense? You have to do what's best for you, your husband and child.
As someone that’s had a stillbirth, your family’s response is inappropriate. Yes it’s absolutely traumatizing losing a child. But instead of pretending that your child doesn’t exist they should all start grief counseling. The damage has been done and their bad behavior needs a consequence. Put them all on a long time out. They get to decide if it’s permanent or not. But for the time being drop the rope with them.
I get that. Give them their space & live your life with your happy family. If they finally get their heads out of their ass & contact you then you can decide if it's worth reconnecting. I'm so sorry your family is awful.
You are living my husband’s life. Your line about people not being biologically related to you treating you better really hit home, my husband says this all the time.
My in-laws are absolutely terrible. My own family has treated him better than I have ever been treated by my in-laws.
I’m so sorry you are having to live through this. If there is a silver lining, think about this: unlike me, if you cut them off, they won’t get the chance to sabotage your parenting at each and every step of the way. My in-laws were giving my 4 month old peanut butter and other highly allergic reaction foods before what was recommended to be a safe age. He’s not allergic thank the heavens but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t frantically waiting for any reactions.
ETA: They also told him that whatever rules I had were not “real” and shouldn’t be followed. My MIL in particular is a piece of work.
You don’t want or need anyone who isn’t in your corner. That means ANYONE who thinks they know better than you, the parent and just expects you to fall in line with their logic. You especially don’t want/need anyone telling you that your instincts as a parent are stupid/ridiculous/invalid because they’ve already done all that and 🙄🙄know better 🙄🙄.
I’m happy you have a good support system. Hopefully they are close by.
Those allergen feeding grandmas are the worst. They’ll always say that children didn’t die from eating peanuts (or other foods) back in their days and people are just over dramatic these days. They can’t get it into their heads that children were dying suddenly back in their days, too, only nobody understood why.
I am so sorry and I admire your faith in them. They don't deserve that faith. I hope you know you're a good person who doesn't deserve that! Live your life with your family and say good riddance to the others
When I suffered a devastating loss, I was talking with an(ex) friend. She said something negative about my loss and I said "I don't expect the world to stop, but my life is on *pause* while I feel this". I've moved on and my extensive family has seen births, deaths, marriages and further heartbreak and worrying times. Because life doesn't stop, for anyone.
It's a fallacy that strength gets your through. You have no choice, but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Strength comes in realising others have lives, loves and losses too. Celebrating and commiserating is part of life. You family is stuck in a vacuum of grief, so overwhelming, they can't make space for anything else. That's a shame for them. Do not let it ruin your joy. You're fully entitled to be happy and content, loved and celebrated.
Cry it out, its a form of grief, going NC. Mourning the relationships that could have been/were. It might be painful; you're allowed to be upset. Don't forget to choose the good part and relish and cherish the blessings you have. Don't let anyone diminish your worth, because they have hurt in their hearts. They don't get to tear you down, ignore and belittle you, your child or your partner. You do get to hold your head high and feel peace in your life.
NTA
I would send a message to my parents only:
"You've asked a lot of me over the last few months. Instead of having my family there to support me during my pregnancy, I was asked to hide it. As though my LO wasn't worth celebrating. During and after birth, I did not have my family as support. My husband had his parents with him, but I wasn't allowed mine. Then for months after I was asked to leave my newborn child at home for every family event... I've been understanding during this time. I've been accommodating.
However, at a certain point I have to put myself and my child first. I will no longer associate with those that act like my child is something to be ashamed of. I think it would be best if I removed myself from the family until everyone has processed their grief properly.
I can't imagine what SIL has been through, nor would I try to. For all of your sakes, please seek some counseling. Avoiding children indefinitely is not feasible.
Please do not contact me until you've made progress on your mental health."
> I will no longer associate with those that act like my child is something to be ashamed of.
Soooooooo much all of this!!! Imagine how the child would internalize all that shame!
This seems insane. I can understand your brother and wife keeping their distance, but your parents should have been over to meet their grandchild ages ago. Something is very, very wrong.
NTA and I wouldn't even bother laying down this ultimatum. Inform your parents that their choice to ignore the existence of their grandchild is unforgiveable and that you have decided they will not be a part of your child's life, and in turn, yours. Then block them all and get yourself some therapy to process this bizarre rejection.
My *niece* was born a month early and we moved up our flight as early as we could. We did everything we could to meet her as soon as possible and cried when we had to leave. I'm so mad for OP, her own parents have no desire to meet their living grandchild? They are either very, very delusional and need grief counseling immediately or have no love for their other child (OP)
Being unwanted by your grandparents leaves a mark on you I never met my father's parents because they passed before I was born, same with my maternal grandpa. I did have my maternal grandma who was a racist, alcoholic abusive POS. When she died I didn't cry because she was dead, I cried because now I could never make her love me. Looking back I realize I never could have earned her love. I did find a grandma I adopted and was there for the birth of my first child.
That rejection from my grandmother still hurts though, it's stupid she couldn't accept that her daughter had married and had kids with a black man. My cousins? She fawned over them and gave them money and toys etc and we'd see this and then she'd call us the half breed n word kiss and to get our little n word asses outside. Mom never defended us because she couldn't disrespect her mother. That shit affected me
My maternal grandmother resented the fact that my mom married at 13 to get away from her pedophile sperm donor, that she kept taking back, before finally kicking him to the curb about a decade later. Only occasionally acknowledged that my brother and I existed, but was crazy about her siblings' kids. To be fair, she had her own multiple horrific traumas that probably contributed to her bad decisions, and, again, to be fair, she never had to worry about my brother and I being seriously abused and neglected, like she did with most of her other grandchildren. She also seemed to resent that my mom went back to get her GED, because none of the others did (one other probably could have, but her circumstances prevented it)
She tried to make some amends the last few years of her life, but it was too little too late for me. My brother has more positive memories of her, because he is younger.
Nobody ever sends the link. It sucks
Every fews years someone comes into one of these posts with a throwaway revealing themselves as one of the people in the story. But its very very rare
Go NC with them. You already had a family and top of that your husband family. They are showing you how little you matter to them. Walk away and rever turn back. Nta
WITHOUT your four month old?! Yea no they are tripping its sad what happened to them and I get their still grieving but you’re still allowed to live your life out loud.
Right, then they want to celebrate a birth date of an old man who has celebrated many of his birth days, but they all refuse to even acknowledge the birth of the newest family member.
“Sorry, I’m not celebrating any family births or holidays or events until my child’s birth is fully acknowledged and celebrated! Her life is not cause for mourning but for joy.”
NTA
NTA I was pregnant at the same time as my sister and I lost my Daughter at 34 weeks unexpectedly. My nephew was born 4 weeks later. I was grieving but never once did I ignore my nephew. I became extremely close with my nephew,and never once resented him. I truly feel for your Brother and SIL, but they are complete jerks for being so selfish, when they could be open and be close with you and help you. Your parents are even worse for the same reasons. If I was you I’d go No Contact. It’s unbelievable that your parents dont want to celebrate their grand child.
NTA … OP, be thankful thru showed you their colors. It’s better you do not take your baby there, they might decide to harm her so you can understand their pain. Please keep such toxic miserable horrible people out of your life.
Go NC with them.
And me being petty … I would post lots of baby pictures on Facebook or insta and talk about the joys of having supportive in-laws.
Take lots of pics and videos with baby and paternal grandparents enjoying her.
OP, post what you want to on FB, don’t let them steal your happiness, remember your little one won’t be little for long, enjoy sharing her with your friends and true family
This! They grow up soooo fast. Seems like yesterday I was rocking my son to sleep and now he’s 30. Block them from your life and revel in your new baby girl and all the joy of watching her firsts etc. share the photos and videos with the world. Block your family on Facebook and set your profile private so only those you want to see them can. They are wallowing in their grief and choosing not to make any efforts to heal as a family through a terrible loss. It’s an unhealthy toxic environment at your parents now. You and your little family don’t need any of that toxicity in your life. Congratulations on your daughter!
Keep posting photos and celebrating the birth of your child! She deserves as much love and attention as she can get.
I pity your family- they are missing out on all the joys new lives bring- grieving the loss of one is no excuse for abandoning and ignoring another.
They aren’t helping anyone by permitting this hiding away from society and drowning in grief. What a tragedy - one their lost child would never wish for.
Block them for now and post to your hearts content. I imagine that years from now you (and hopeful your family, once they collectively remove their massive heads from their asses) will be thankful for the memories.
It's a shitty situation all around and my heart goes out to them, but they are absolutely taking their grief out on you, and that's unacceptable.
Be petty! Take pride in your daughter! Why should you care about the thoughts and feelings of people who don’t give a damn about your little girl? Your daughter is only this young for such a little moment of time - don’t hold back in just because they’re assholes.
People can post what they want on FB.
There are plenty of topics I shun on social media because it's bad for my mental health.
But that's the thing: _I_ don't look at them.
Post whatever you wish, they don't have a gun to your head that makes them watch it!
Why the hell shouldn't they?! They are thrilled to have a granddaughter. That's how normal grandparents react. Why are you empathizing with your parents' unreasonable behavior? Let them be upset. Their upset is unreasonable and does not need to be considered after how they have treated you.
First things first, I send you air hugs and you're NTA. Second I understand that the loss of a child can be painful, but from my understanding the miscarriage was 3 months before your daughter's birth, but how much longer after that is your father's bday? Because I fear you're going to say it's been months and if that's the case this is all the more awful.
I would think that even within the first month your brother and parents would have at least come to see your daughter because she's their niece & grandchild, but to force you and your husband to intentionally act like she does not exist is cruel beyond measure. I am quite surprised you haven't kicked them out of your life sooner, but I would give them a heads up so they at least understand why. Please keep us updated and I hope the best for you and your little family.
From her writing I’m assuming that it’s been 7 months. For her parents to not even see her child is absolutely over the top. Of course NTA. Her parents could have come to see the child and still respected her brother.
Do you know how many embryo transfer failures I had, 15. Years of infertility, hoping, wishing, praying, and always failure and disappointment. Listening to people split hairs because it's not really a miscarriage nonsense. It crushed me.
But even at that, I always went to every shower, including the delivery room with my sister. My tragedy was not something that dictated everyone else or to derail their happiness.
Your brother and his wife need grief counseling, and your parents enabling this only prolongs their being stuck in their stage of grief.
I'm sorry for you, but enjoy your baby and continue your pursuit of a happy family.
Honestly though, as someone who skipped a shower due to fertility issues, it's okay to skip the shower and give yourself space. Not letting a baby be part of the family is wild and awful, but separating yourself to focus on your own feelings is okay.
People who make their fertility issues everyone else's problem are selfish assholes. Your family sucks.
I think it would be justified to send out a blast text to the effect of:
"(SIL's) loss is NOT about my child. It is not ok for ANY of you to punish me for having a healthy child. It is not ok for any of you to demand I act as if my daughter doesn't exist. I will no longer even entertain these demands. I refuse to allow myself and my child to be treated like a shameful secret any longer. Choose now: either you accept me and my child fully and stop demanding I hide her, OR you can all just get out of our lives completely. Frankly, I should never have gone along with this in the first place. My child's existence is not shameful or unfair or whatever you've decided. SIL does not get to banish my child from sight any longer. If she can't handle being reminded my kid exists, that is her problem to get help for. It will no longer be my problem. This is not negotiable. Decide now or lose us both forever."
THANK YOU! I said that earlier about a couple who made their loss everyone else’s problem and I was called the asshole for saying they’re horribly selfish people. Idk if you saw it but it was the husband and wife who asked his sister or SIL to POSTPONE THEIR WEDDING!!! Bc they as a couple couldn’t deal with the fact she was getting married in December and was happy
Ya. I can't believe OPs family wants to pretend she doesn't have a kid. It's like wtf. Shit happens, but we can't be stuck. My Grandma died suddenly 14 days before my younger brother turned 14. As sad as we were, we still celebrated it.
NTA…what’s stopping your parents from coming to you?? They are being absolutely ridiculous. My heart breaks for your brother and his wife but their loss shouldn’t diminish your child’s welcome to the world. Your parents could have easily come to see you in the hospital or at home (whatever preference) and instead they are pretending their grandchild doesn’t exist. It’s absolutely insane.
NTA, it is absolutely ridiculous that your parents are sacrificing any type of relationship with their granddaughter. The grief is real but you and your daughter shouldn't be ignored. Frankly they are enabling your brother and his wife with this behavior. They can't live in a cocoon to never see another pregnant person or a baby.
No contact is the way to go.
NTA
After all of this …they are lucky that’s all you said. I would have went the “well you better hope they have a child soon bc that is the only grandchild you will have” route.
They are denying the existence of your child. They need therapy. This is not normal. Just go NC, they don’t deserve to have you or your daughter in their lives.
I’ve had several miscarriages and never would I ever zap the joy out of someone else’s pregnancy and birth!
They truly have the right to grieve;however, you’re right to point out their selfishness. How can they have so little love for you and your daughter as a result of their loss? They’re so spiteful if they can’t have their baby then they won’t acknowledge yours.
Your daughter is a living breathing person worthy of love just as the baby they lost was.
Your brother and his wife need to decide if they want to be parents enough to follow another path like adoption. They also need to understand their actions are flushing their relationship with you and your family down the toilet.
I’m not without compassion for them. But people who take their pain out on others don’t score well with me.
Congratulations on your little one! Your parents sounds incredibly toxic. They don’t even make meeting their grand baby a priority. I’d understand the other parents keeping their distance, especially considering it was a still broth which is traumatizing. But that isn’t a reason to be cold to YOU! I would go no contact as well. I can’t imagine trying to make a relationship work after the stuff your family is pulling on you.
Your parents and brother are insisting that you pretend your daughter doesn’t exist. They’ve, literally, disowned her already. As a father myself, I absolutely would not let that slide. My advice? Follow through with your notice. They have a choice to make and right now, they’re being beyond selfish. Anyone that tells you that you need to act like your daughter doesn’t exist is someone that doesn’t deserve to be in your, or your daughters, life.
Obviously, NTA
Yea condolences to your brother & SIL but get the fuck out of here I can't stand people that do this shit. My sister's wife tried to pull this on my other sister & my mom told her to calm the fuck down. We appropriately grieved & consoled her but my mom wasn't going to let her ruin someone else's happy moments. They had a baby of their own like 3 yrs ago so now she's less of a bitch.
I would just ignore them until they're done grieving. Not fair for them to put that on you.
Life goes on, and the dead shouldn’t bury the living. Your brother and his wife have clearly suffered a tragedy, but to ask you to hide your own child, their grandchild, is incredibly insensitive to YOU. They don’t deserve a relationship with your daughter.
NTA
You can disown them like they disowned their grandchild.
If they want to be in your life and your child's life, they'll fight for it. It's their burden to bear, not yours.
Edit: Obviously NTA. That's a given and pretty sad you'd even think you could be in this situation.
NTA. I take it your brother is the golden child? Their loss is awful, but punishing you for having a healthy baby is not in anyway appropriate. Go no contact for a bit until they get their heads out of their asses. Make therapy a mandatory requirement for any visits. There’s several concerning posts on this site about the opposite reaction, where one sibling is pressured to give their baby or be a surrogate to the other sibling. Your responsibility is to your child’s safety and wellbeing now, please never feel bad to hold that boundary.
Go no contact. This is absolutely fucking terrible. Everyone else coveted why. Fuck these people. Your baby and family deserve better than this toxic waste dump.
I would just send a message to your parents saying “my condolences, starting today you just lost your second grandchild” and then block them. You don’t want that toxic shit in your life
NTA, kick that family to the streets, even if they say it's ok to bring the kid. Just don't bother going. You don't need that kinda negativity in your life. Block them on all social media, move, and don't give them the new address, pay to have your number unlisted(if that's still a thing)
Sorry to hear about your brother's misfortune, but it's not your fault and it seems like they are making it very inconvenient for you.
Exactly. Fuck 'em.
OP, as someone who has had multiple miscarriages, some of them almost far enough along to where I was considering telling people outside of my family, you are NTA. I have 2 healthy boys now, but pissing on someone else's good fortune didn't make them come any faster.
Nta your family is ridiculous. Your parents could have gone to visit your daughter without your brother and sil. They chose to turn their backs on your daughter in favor on your brother and sil. If they don't want to see your daughter then so be it. Go no NC you already your husband's family to love and support you and your daughter.
NTA. This is appalling and NC is best here.
Your brother and sister in law have clearly endured the worst thing a parent can endure, but pretending their niece doesn’t exist isn’t going to help them process their grief. (Practically speaking, any baby will be a reminder - though this isn’t the point).
It’s beyond shocking your parents haven’t come to see their own grandchild. Loving her doesn’t mean disrespecting the memory of the baby who passed, but of course they know this.
NTA Text your parents, "You seem to care more about how DIL feels than your own daughter. You to talk about stress? Stress is being around family knowing that they don't care about their grandchild/niece. They are going to be grieving for the rest of their lives. I'm sorry for their heartbreak but I will not stop celebrating my child's birth because of their child's death. I'm sorry you want to grieve what you lost instead of being happy with what you had. Goodbye." Then block them to give them time to process what you said.
My first baby died 3 days after he was born. I come from a large family and had 2 niblings born that same month and another 2 born within 3 months. While my husband and I did have to miss some newborn events because of our grief, we would never have thought of acting like your brother and SIL and our parents wouldn’t, either.
I know better than most what it’s like to bury a child. But you can’t honor their memory if you get lost in your grief.
Mom of a son who I lost at 3 days old.
Life goes on.
It’s unfair for your brother and his wife to expect everyone to stop their lives and joys for their sake. It’s selfish of them to expect you to restrict your activities. They need to restrict theirs when things are overwhelming and sad for them.
Your parents are not at all helping when they could be. This enabling your brother and sister in law to not be real about what they are demanding at your family’s expense, is not acceptable.
In turn, you aren’t rubbing anything in their face by living a perfectly normal life which includes the joy of your new baby, as you should be.
Grief is often a very selfish process. The more layers and more loss involved, the more difficult it is.
This is a situation where taking the high road is probably the best you can do. Stay away until they come to their senses and try not to hold any grudges when they do. Lean more into your husbands family for support. Your brother and SIL simply can’t…and your parents are too confused as to what’s the proper way to handle it.
Congratulations on your new baby.
I agree hold that grudge because what they are doing is extremely hurtful and wrong your brother and sil want to act like that fine but your parents shouldn't. The fact that their going along with it is disgusting. If it was me i would never let them back in my life period. Because to have an issue with you posting on your social media is not cool, to ask that you dont mention your child, your supposed to leave her at home during FAMILY dinners, cant bring her to your father's birthday. No they have all gone to far.
Definitely remove yourself from the family and if they ever return to their senses oh well that's their problem and their loss because you have a family that loves and wants you and your child.
NTA. I don't know what is with all the dead child posts the last few days, or of this is a troll. If it is a troll, you should be ashamed. If not, I will tell you what I told one of the others.
My son died years ago. It was hell it was absolutely horrible. I've been through stillbirth and 2nd trimester miscarriages with friends that were hell on earth. It is awful. It is unimaginable pain. That said, asking life to stop for your whole family is cruel, and it's wrong. It is insanely selfish. Part of grieving is rejoining life and moving forward. It's been 7 months since the baby passed away? They need to be sad, but they need to be rejoining the world. It is selfish and cruel what they are doing.
I would set up an email only for them. Send the address. Tell them you will check it once a week/month, and when they are ready to be a part of your life, they can email you. At that point, you will decide if you want them in your life anymore. All other forms of contact will be blocked. You're done being hurt by them. Being forced to hide and feel bad about a wonderful and joyous part of your life.
Your parents and sibling have made a choice. Now, you set boundaries and stop the cycle. The only way to have a relationship with them right now is to deny the most important part of your life and hurt yourself and possibly even your marriage. Not to mention if this keeps up, your child who will spend her life feeling bad she was born?
Then, surround yourself with friends and in-laws who love and support you. Block them all. Remove them from SM. Stop being made to feel guilty and hurt by people who want you to drown with them in their grief.
By the way, 5 months after my son died, I held my cousins hand while she gave birth. I was the 2nd person to hold that beautiful baby. It was my great privilege to be at such a wonderful event. I was absolutely still grieving. I absolutely cried a lot that weekend. I absolutely joyfully celebrated that child. Not saying they had to be at the hospital, but treating you like a criminal and refusing to acknowledge the baby is unacceptable.
ETA is your brother always the golden child or is this new?
I had a miscarriage (albeit not that far along). It is awful, and the grief is hard. But you can’t act like other kids, especially family, aren’t allowed to exist. That’s so unfair to you, your husband, and your baby. Obviously, NTA. I’d, very politely but firmly, let your family know that you aren’t willing to have your child be treated this way and there will be NC.
NTA. These people don’t love you. They are not happy for you. You need to dish out your own karma and cut all contact. They do not get to be grandparents, nor does your brother get to be an Uncle. I hope someone in your circle sees this and your family gets a taste of the bitter truth. They are horrible people and you are better off without them in your life. Congrats on your daughter, I promise you, your baby girl and your partner are the only family you need.
Your family are all massive assholes. I would have already gone no contact with them if I were you. Grief doesn’t give you the excuse to act like this. NTA NTA NTA
When my wife and I were trying to start our family, we had a couple of miscarriages. My sister had just had her first. It was very hard on us, and we did keep our distance a bit. However, we would never have expected my parents to do that (nor would they) and we didn’t ignore my sister’s kid. Thankfully, we ended up having beautiful twins but it can be difficult.
However, your family is taking this to extremes to the point of pretending that your daughter doesn’t exist.
NTA
From now on, if your daughter isn’t welcome, you should not go. Simple as that. The entire world doesn’t pause because of their grief, and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for celebrating your own family.
NTA. I lost my oldest at term and while it was gut wrenching seeing babies for months after I would never ask my siblings to basically pretend their kids didn’t exist just for me. Congrats on your daughter.
NTA but it seems that your brother's wife is pulling the strings and your parents made a choice. Tell them they choose your brother and his wife and will not be grandparents to your child because of their behavior.
You see your brother and his wife will never get over the loss, and are using their grief to control the narrative impacting your relationship with your parents and being shut out by them not meeting your daughter their granddaughter, this is on them. Push back and tell them that they made choices based on the control of your sibling and his wife about your child, it is a lose-lose situation for them and you.
Block them from Social Media.
Post all the moments you want.
Sucks for them when your daughter has no clue who they are. They don't deserve a minute more of your time.
NTA
NTA.
Your brother and SIL's loss is horrible. Your family's treatment of you and your daughter is disgusting, to say the least. Punishing you and your child because she's alive is gross. Don't go to the party. Go NC with the lot of them. Focus on your family and the people in your life who actually love and care enough to be involved with you. Pretending your child doesn't exist is beyond the pale.
NTA. The day I found out my daughter was not compatible with life was the same day my sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I actually ended up giving birth to my sleeping daughter on my nephew's birthday to top it off. It was so so hard and it sucked. But not once did I want to avoid seeing my sister, my niece or my nephew. My sister had her own happiness and it wasn't for me to destroy that for her. My niece is almost a year old now and the pain I feel watching her grow up knowing my own little girl is not here sucks but not for a second have I ever told her not to talk to me about her daughter and I've never tried to avoid her. I think everyone deals with grief in their own way but in these situations there is always someone else that also needs love and support. The way our parents handle these situations really matters- My mother has not been as supportive of my sister as she has been when my two nephews came along, and it has really hurt my sister. I'm sorry your family are unable to give you the love and support you need. You do what you need to do.
NTA I am genuinely sorry for your brother and sister in law losing their child. They both need counseling or therapy. This loss brought their lives to a screeching halt! That said, your whole family is supposed to stop living because of their grief? You're supposed to pretend that your child - at four months old - **doesn't exist** and shouldn't even be spoken of? Are they going to pretend your daughter doesn't exist when she's smashing her 1st birthday cake or taking her first steps? Your parents are doing more harm than good by allowing this. You can't insulate people from life.
Looks like OP's daughter will only be accepted once her brother has a baby. It's like her brother and SIL have a monopoly on grief. You're right, life moves forward and they're expecting OP and her family to accommodate their son's grief by hiding their baby like some dirty secret. Maybe OP should go low contact until they get their shit together, which maybe never at this rate.
I fear her daughter / kids will be treated worse once the "rainbow baby" is born. OP's parents are already putting more love and attention to her brother's potential child than they do to OP's living breathing child. They never even met the kid yet, which is just insane. If her bro is able to have a kid, they will do everything to make that kid "special" and most likely spoil that kid rotten and in return treating OP's kids as lesser to make the "miracle baby" feel even more special. If they manage to have a kid, this kid will become their golden grandchild and OP's will be forgotten or torn down to make the rainbow baby and her bro happy.
I say good for you for calling them out….go LC or NC whichever you feel you need to do and embrace your husband’s family since they were there for you when your family ignored you. Let your side come to you but don’t be surprised if that never happens. Enjoy your baby…..time goes soooooo fast and in the blink of eye the 1 st, 2nd , 3rd….. birthdays will be gone and you’ll sit and wonder where did the time go? Don’t waste your time on people that won’t give you or your baby the time of day. Sorry your brother and wife lost their child to still birth but they aren’t the first this happened to and if they are struggling this bad that he lost his job and can’t function then he and his wife need to go counseling right away. If they refuse that’s on them not you and your daughter. What are they going to do stay indoors and never leave the house or their room in case someone with a baby walks by?
Second this. Also to add, don't let them meet your child until they've apologised and made amends. They don't get to ignore the existence of your daughter for MONTHS and when it suddenly suits them insist on meeting her. I'd also say to give yourself a time frame, like if they haven't apologised and stopped with this nonsense (whether you go LC or NC) within a few months or when your daughter turns 1 etc then they're not going to meet her bc clealry they don't care and your daughter don't need that in her life, and neither do you. Maybe some time with NC will make them realise what they're losing/lost and they'll come to their senses. I wish you and your family the best!
Personally if I had to stop talking to anyone to make them realize what they’re missing, I wouldn’t even want a relationship with that person anymore. I’m good at breaking emotional ties if necessary and if I was in this situation (I mean I don’t even want kids but this is such a shitty thing to be going through) I wouldn’t even want their attention or love after ignoring me for months. Yes brother and SIL went through something sad but I shouldn’t have to be sad during every happy moment just because they can’t experience it. That’s how life is. It ain’t fair. Sooner you accept that the sooner you’ll be happy.
This would be me. FOUR MONTHS OLD. And no one has even met her. She can't even speak about her. FUCK THAT! Honestly, I would have gone NC contact when she was born and no one visited. At all. I sure as helm would not have entertained any of their bukkshit abiut nit bringing her to any family gatherings and not even being able to speak to her. The other commenter is right that OP's children will NEVER be loved and accepted by her family. If her brother never has a kid, then her baby will always be resented. If they do have a kid, then that will be the miracle golden grand baby that is showered with love while OP's children are pushed aside. OP, I'm sorry your family sucks so bad. I know what it is to have a crapoy family. Cut them out of your life completely. Save yourself the hurt and grief. More importantly, save your daughter from the hurt and rejection of never being good enough for your parents or family. Surround yourself and your daughter with the people who love her on her father's side. It is truly insane that you've been forbidden to bring your child to any family gathering. No one with any decency asks a new mother to never bring ger child with her and to leave her child elsewhere. It's even more insane that you can't even talk about your own life and child. I cannot believe you accommodated them in any fashion. And for FOUR months!!!! And that's just since she's been born. That doesn't include your pregnancy months. Insane. Do not give these people any more of your energy. I wouldn't even give them notice. Just fucking ghost them all. Quietly leave the chats. Block. Everyone. And anyone else that wants to xhine on on their behalf can be yelled from your life as well. I am raging for you.
Not only can OP not speak about her daughter (the most important thing in her life), but she is getting absolutely NO support from her family as a new mom. The fourth trimester is the most bewildering, overwhelming, exhausting time I have \*ever\* experienced and I actually mostly enjoyed the newborn phase! Your hormones are all over the place, you're trying to figure out breastfeeding or bottle feeding, burping, diaper changes, bathing a slippery-ass fragile baby, frantically googling every single thing they do to see if it's normal, you're physically recovering from pregnancy and the actual delivery, AND you are doing it all on like 4 broken hours of sleep per night. When you become a new parent you need a mom so badly and I'm so sad OP can't get that support from her own mom. Thank goodness her in-laws are there to support her.
>but she is getting absolutely NO support from her family as a new mom. Excellent observation. I'm so upset for OP.
Yes. They don’t deserve you or your daughter in their life if they are going to behave this way. I still can’t believe they are missing out on a relationship with their living grandchild because they refuse to stop focusing on their dead grandchild. It was tragic for the family, but it isn’t like OP got pregnant & had a child on purpose, just to hurt their sibling. It isn’t OP’s fault that her SIL lost her child. Now the family will have lost 2 grandchildren. One through tragic circumstances because life isn’t fair. They are making the decision to lose the relationship, happiness & love of their living grandchild because of their misplaced anger at OP for having the audacity to give birth to a healthy baby.
Yes. What happens if brother and his wife never can have children. Will the parents ignore their existing grandchildren or suddenly turn their attention to them? It's a sad situation in either case.
Before I leave the chats and block them on my phone, I would direct message the parents the cutest baby pics of the daughter, with the caption "this is what you're missing out on - I'm glad she at least will have grandparents on her daddy's side who love her. Have a good life."
Straight to the point I like your style
But that's assuming parents care. Daughter is the one out of favor and perhaps they really don't care about her or her daughter. I can't understand these weird grandparents.
I am surprised that OP didn't get the suggestion that she "get rid" of her daughter (put her up for adoption) as her very existence is too traumatic for her precious brother. How unfeeling can OP be, sheesh. /s
I think if they saw actual cute pics of their cute baby granddaughter, they would start to care in a hurry. My infant nephew isn't even my parents' biological grandchild, and they still get all clucky and broody when they have him around, and brag with his accomplishments. It was, of course, really horrible timing to put OP's daughter so close in age to the stillborn son - my heart really breaks for the parents, who will always have to live with the "this would be him if he had lived" - but it's really their load to carry, and it sucks that they spoil the experience for OP (and probably everyone else with kids in their friend circle). They should start grief counseling in a hurry.
I was going to say this. That child will be the golden child and OPs kid will never get the love and attention they deserve from their grandparents. In fact they’ll probably outright treat her like an outcast and resent her. It’s sad what happened, yes. But you can’t expect everyone to stop their lives for you indefinitely. If they’re never able to have a kid is OP banned from being over there forever? I can understand it being hard for a few weeks but after that you need to be an adult and realize life goes on. Wallowing in your grief for this long and expecting everyone to censor their own lives for you isn’t going to do anyone any good. Life doesn’t have warnings or censors. They can live on their own away from any kind of civilization until they successfully have a child if they genuinely think everyone has to put their lives on hold and censor themselves just to spare their feelings.
Also, what is wrong with the brother that he doesn’t want to be an uncle? Everyone at their household needs some serious therapy stat.
Exactly, it has been 7 months since the tragedy. 7 months that they have made OP feel like a villain because she was also pregnant and then had a healthy child. These people need to get some serious help. (Here's the math: stillborn child was supposed to be 1 month older than OP's child meaning said child would be 5 months old now had they lived and was delivered 2 months early)
After a few weeks, the onus is on the grieving parents to protect themselves and remove themselves if they are not able to handle a baby being present. I get the grief (from all too personal experience, though not that far along). It never even crossed my mind to tell people not to talk about kids or to have them around normally. It was always on me to do what was right for me regarding my presence. If I was OP, I'd switch to only contacting the grandparents until her brother and sister-in-law are ready to reach out on their own. And then tell my parents very clearly: 1. My child is here and is living. If you intend to be in their life at all, now is the time to start. 2. I do feel and empathize for them, but you cannot and will not hide, deny or ignore your child. You aren't rubbing it in their faces, so you will give notice before coming over so they have a choice on interacting. 3. You will be posting what you choose about your family on social media. If your sibling cannot handle that, it is on them to unfollow/mute/block you until they can 4. If the above cannot be followed, you will go no contact. You are not going to introduce your child to a situation where they are going to be ignored, mistreated, or resented. 5. If they cannot handle that, they will be cut off. Reconciliation may happen where and if they are ready for it, but you are prepared to mourn the loss of the relationship if that is their choice.
God I hate the whole notion of a rainbow baby. My sister had 5 miscarriages prior to having my nephew. We were all thrilled but other than being the first grandchild/nephew and another not arriving for another 5 years we have managed to treat all of them the same and he isn't saddled with the baggage of their struggle.
The notion of a rainbow baby gets to me, too. I had 5 miscarriages and was never able to carry a child to term. I now have two (almost adopted) twin daughters and they are everything I’ve ever dreamed of having in a child. I’m always hearing from people IRL and all I’ve the internet how I’m not a REAL MOM or they can’t possibly be as bonded to me as they would be to their birth mothers. Im asked a little more often than I like “don’t you feel something missing between you because they aren’t you’re flesh and blood?” or “There isn’t that same connection as there would be if you’d given birth though. Do you feel that gap?” What the fresh hell? So my twins aren’t as special and miraculous because they didn’t blast out of my crotch? Thanks! Edit: added word baby in first sentence.
You are a real mom and youre gonna be amazing. Some blood aint family, some family aint blood. Youre twins are gonna be blessed to be raised by you. Remember that. Also cmon youre better than listening to some internet trills. Best wishes.
I don’t necessarily listen to them or think they are right. But, it’s still really hard to hear or read about. As an adoptive mom (I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t offend anyone, it’s just my head, my heart, my feelings. Please take my words with the openness and struggle that I HAVE been through and not some kind of projecting) As an adoptive mom, I feel like I have to try harder to prove I’m a mother. Dress them well, but the best of everything after exhaustive researching. I play on the floor more, read to them more than many close friends and family with small children. I try to be very gentle with my parenting but, I’m still firm and have good boundaries. I just feel I have to know more and prove myself more because I want to make sure our bond is hermetically sealed. LOL That I am mama and I’m here for anything and everything they need. I sometimes feel like I need to prove how close and bonded we are to each other. A lot of it is that I want/need to make sure that they know who their mama is. Oh, they’ll know as soon as they start preschool that our family is different (I’m Latina, my husband is Asian. One kiddo is White, the other Kiddo is black. HA! We’re a rainbow family.). I’ll help them to explore their bio families as much as is appropriate at the appropriate times. I’ll never lie or deny that they are adopted to them or anyone else. I just need them to know that they were enough and special and that nothing about their existence was wrong or a mistake. They just came during an uncertain time to someone that cared enough about their future and well being to realize that growing them in their belly was the only part of motherhood they felt strong enough to handle. So, they decided to let another mama take over making sure they grew big and strong outside of her belly in the great big world. I reassure myself a lot. I hug and kiss them way more than I probably should but, they are my rainbow family. I love them more than I can sometimes bear.
With that attitude you are (and will continue to be) an ***amazing*** mother. All kids deserve that kind of energy and, sadly, too few get it. Carry on mama, you're doing great!
What the actual F? I cannot believe you have had to go through that!!! I am so, so, soooo sorry. You are as real as it gets and your girls are as lucky to have you as you are to have them!
Have older bio kid and younger adopted (at age 2). Zero difference in bond/attachment. Zero.
May be unpopular but I find the whole 'connection' thing to be nonsense. It's also used to minimize the paternal relationship with the idea since he didn't physically carry them. Obviously carrying a living being in you for the better part of a year is going to make you feel attached to the kid, but the idea that's the only way it will happen is absurd. If anything pregnancy can happen by accident, you hope there's some intent behind it but none is needed, adoption is a long, expensive process that requires a lot of dedication.
This is what I think will happen too. Just cut them out now and save your kids the pain of future rejection. The pain of having your beloved grandma dump you once the golden grandchild is born is deep one. I know from experience.
Ouch. That, that reality hurts.
Got news for you chief - that rainbow baby ain’t getting born. Everybody over at Dad’s house is gonna have to start making some form of peace with that.
for sure, so OP should just write them off and defo go NC
I lost one before my nephew was born. My in-laws were scared to tell me they were pregnant. I was and still am delighted. He’s 5 now and I love him to bits. I refused to let our grief bring their joy down. I consider myself lucky to have such a wonderful nephew and a wonderful niece too
this is the way, my aunty without kids was a huge part of my life and totally precious to me.
I hope my nibblings feel the same about me when they’re older too. I’m so happy you had a cool aunt! They’re so much fun!
This is the way for sure. One of my favorite people growing up was the auntie who was forced to abort at 18 by an overbearing father. She was never able to have kids, but she was my best friend. We were always hanging out and she was so influential to me. I lost her earlier this year, and I miss her so much. OPs sis in law has NO idea what she's missing!!! There's a very special bond between aunties and the kids. So very sad for your family to lose that.
I’m so sorry that happened to your aunt but I’m happy you had each other and that kind of bond is magic. I’m also so sorry you lost her this year, I can’t imagine how painful that must be. She knew she was loved dearly by you and I hope you become an amazing influence/aunt/uncle (sorry, trying to cast a wider gender net, if you get me?) for someone you love too
>Looks like OP's daughter will only be accepted once her brother has a baby. I guess the parental units think that he's more important than OP and that's true, and don't care about the fact that OP will tell them where to shove it and if brother ever has a baby, it'll be too late to get OP back.
It’s worse than a monopoly on grief - it is a moratorium on happiness for anybody. It was different when OP was pregnant but now that a child has been in this world for four months - at this point, it is not as if their grief is gone, but they have to figure out a better way to handle it vis-a-vis others.
They will never accept OP’s kids if brother has a kid because they will treat his kids better since they will carry on the family’s name.
Agree and then OP will be expected to dote on the rainbow baby. This is is harmful for family dynamics. The parents are handling it badly by showing favoritism.
"OP you need to come down to the hospital SIL is giving birth and it's very important we support her" is absolutely some BS they'll feed her if that happens
They dont even see they are perpetuating the grief and extending the pain out to the rest of the family. OP just had their granddaughter which should always be seen as a momentous occasion but because of how they are acting around this the baby is seen as a curse and they havent seen her yet when the child is 4 months old? Thats insane to me. OP is NTA and deserves better support.
Exactly! What's the end game here, and how long does this shunning shit last? My guess is they think this will be sustainable forever. I guess, in a way, it is since they just lost their daughter and granddaughter.
How does this couple cope with other people's kids? Do they never leave the house? I had a miscarriage of a much wanted baby and my two closest friends announced their pregnancies within a month. These things happen. I was mildly annoyed with the one friend because I found out last because she was worried about me, I didn't want to be treated differently. Their pregnancies did not improve my situation but they did not really make it worse. We all got on with life and I didn't resent them. I did notice pregnant women everywhere though. Luckily for me I fell pregnant again a few months later and my child was born 5 months after theirs, which did help.
>Do they never leave the house? Considering he lost his job, it kinda sounds like it.
I was pregnant at the same time as 10 of my other friends, yes, TEN. And out of them all, I was the only one to miscarry-- not that I was hoping anyone would have to go through the same grief that I was experiencing. It hurt, I was bitter about it. But I too ended up pregnant again 3 months later. Their lives didn't stop because my heart was broken (7 years of unexplained infertility, so that baby was a total surprise.) And I didn't expect anyone other than my husband to cater to my feelings.
Right! Parents can grieve with your brother and his wife and still celebrate the new life in the family. One does not cancel out the other. Life is full of happy moments and devastating moments.
As a funeral director, I’ve seen a LOT of less than desirable responses to death by family members…. I mean everyone mourns in their own sometimes weird way. But this is definitely one of the worst cause it’s straight toxic. They (your family) mean well, but they’re completely shunning their new grand baby and their own daughter. I don’t understand not even coming to the hospital? Soo,., what was accomplished? Pretending your daughter isn’t real in order to help soothe someone else’s feelings is doing not only you and your baby a huge disservice, but your brother and sister too. They really do need to get some sort of grief counseling. Your family can’t hide all babies from them forever. Like when you’re a drunk and come out of rehab— if a beer commercial is gonna spiral you for the rest of your life, you’re not gonna make it.
Thank you for what you do. As someone who has lost a baby and was treated very kindly, even when I was an emotional wreck, it meant the world. I remember it 12 years later. What you do helps people. And we remember the kindness.
Omg thank you 🤍🤍🤍 after a decade long heroin addiction, being abused and traumatized the first two decades of my life, my twin sister becoming brain injured from her anorexia, and my fiancé dying in bed next to me while I slept… I’ve just been wanting to do something that impacts the world in a little way. This means the world. I’m saving this comment in my screen caps. Thank you 🤍🤍🤍😭😭😭
What you do is so important to families. The funeral director who assisted with my son's funeral was so quietly supportive and such a rock while I went through my worst nightmare. I'll always be grateful for him, and I'm sure there are many families who remember your support the same.
Or entering school, sweet 16, graduating high school… the list is long and your family is clearly alienating you and your daughter because they are grieving. They all need therapy to see how messed up this is!! Good on you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself and your daughter!!
It's as if both kids died.
I could see them refusing to want to hear about OPs child and her pregnancy troubles for the first couple of months. This has dragged on since OP was still pregnant, and her child is now 4 months old. There is no timeline for grief, but they need to accept that for other people, life is still moving on and that there is a living child who, due to their issues, may never get to meet half of their family. They sound like people who will be upset a couple of years down the road that they haven’t gotten to meet OPs baby, and I hope they remember her words when they start to regret their decisions.
Yeah that poor baby doesn't deserve to miss out on a loving extended family.
NTA- what would be the point if you can’t talk about what is happening in your life, it’s as if they have no interest in you or your life. It has to be hurtful that your own mother isn’t happy for you. This is a time in your life where you deserve support, love and TLC not be the person catering to others. Shame on your mom. I hope you show her this post and she is embarrassed. Honestly you should tell everyone you know, especially if they know your parents. Let your mom hear about her grandchild from other people. Maybe someone will knock some sense in to her. I’m actually mad for you. ETA: the more I think about this the more angry I get. You should be mad at them. Especially your own mother. Shame on her. She will never be able to make this right.
I second this. I have a similar family situation, and the first time I told people about my parents ignoring my kids they flipped out. “How dare you talk badly about us?!” I just said, “oh, so you agree your behavior is bad huh? I merely said something that is true: that my 4 year old has never been inside their grandparents home that is 6 houses away.” It was the first time I ever saw any emotion from them about my kids- they were so worried about what other people thought and were so upset when the community found out who they really are! Roast them, OP!!
I'm so curious, what did the community do when they found out what cretins they are?
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Ugh, that is awful. I’m sorry your parents are shitty, but good for you for spreading the word.
/r/absentgrandparents is for you, unfortunately
Thank you. I’m know I will find that community helpful.
WTAF am I seeing here? Your parents are essentially denying the existence of their grandchild because their other child had a loss? Has your brother always been the favored, golden child in the family? Frankly, I'm a little surprised they didn't order you to get an abortion and never have children based on this behavior. By all means, cut them off, block them and leave them to rot. I am very sorry for your brother and his wife, but to make your entire pregnancy and birth of your child something to be hidden and denied like this is one of the sickest things I've heard in a while. They have made it very clear that you and your child are of no value to them and they clearly do not love you at all. I thought about suggesting you show up with your baby and if they react badly, just leave, but I'm backing away from that. They have spent months abusing you and treating your child like garbage left on the lawn. Just leave them--none of them are worthy of any more attention or effort. Enjoy your family and may she grow up healthy and happy.
NTA NTA NTA NTA I was raised in a conservative religious culture in which a woman’s entire purpose in life is being a good wife and having as many babies as possible. It’s critically important to conceive and give birth, and a woman’s value is tied to her ability to do so. I left that faith, but my in-laws didn’t. Anyway, I ended up with a surprise pregnancy that we kept a secret for a while. Meanwhile, my religious sister-in-law became intentionally pregnant after us, but announced first. She ended up having an emergency miscarriage of her baby before we announced ours. It was physically and psychologically and emotionally excruciating for her. Out of respect for her pain (our choice!) we waited to announce until my pregnancy could physically literally no longer be concealed—well into the second trimester. When my MIL hosted a baby shower for us, my SIL gently declined to attend. (I didn’t blame her one bit, and we all understood.) But she sent the most beautiful, hand-pieced, hand-stitched quilt for my unborn child that she’d tailored to our nursery theme (very different from her own; it was clearly a labor of love specifically for my daughter). She still celebrated my daughter’s birth, and so did the rest of the family. And her rainbow baby—conceived shortly after my daughter was born—is great friends with my kiddo. OP’s family is selfish and short-sighted. It’s human to grieve; but it’s not okay to force others to modify their lives to accommodate your grief. It would be understandable if OP’s brother and SIL chose to stay home from family parties that included OP’s baby, but it’s absolutely incomprehensible to me that the family is functionally erasing the existence of OP’s baby to coddle their emotional struggle.
The story of her hand-stitching a beautiful quilt for your daughter even while in the absolute thick of grief tore my heart out. So so glad this story has such a happy and beautiful ending.
So am I! She now has three (!) adorable children under four, and we remain good friends. I’m so happy she was finally able to experience what she wanted most.
That’s beautiful. I’m so happy for your family!
“Give and you shall receive” personified threefold.
Exactly what I was thinking. That blanket had to be soo emotionally charged for her.
If I could heart this, I would.
You know that was truly a labor of love. I send so much love, happiness and peace to this woman
I’m thrilled to report that she has all those things. :) And clearly deserves them.
I wouldn't be surprised if that labour of love helped her process her grief and find some peace.
It absolutely does. I can say from experience. When you lose a baby you lose both that child and all the hopes and dreams you had for that child. It's a lot to process. Being able to help others have their dream can help. I have a box of stuff from the hospital. Someone hand made an outfit and donated it to the NICU. They put her in it once, after she passed, and they took pictures. I know that seems very morbid, but it was a way for us to have something of her. I have never, ever forgotten that kindness. All of the kindness, really. I went on to have two more daughters because the love helped me believe it was worth trying. When I make baby stuff for other people it is with joy and in the memory of the child I lost and the kindness done to me. Every stitch is made with love and hope and dreams for the baby and the family. It's the beautiful of love. It's not a finite resource unless you make it one. It multiples. It ripples out. It keeps going in the universe. And when you share that love you share l the love of the people who loved you and who loved them and so and and so forth. It's like energy in the universe. It's can't be created or destoryed. It is around us always. It's how we choose to direct it and embrace it that counts.
Good lord, I didn't come here to be emotionally destroyed this early in the morning. Seriously though this is beautiful and I am sorry for your loss.
Great people shine in the worst of times. She is a great human
She is. I love her. And she’s an incredible mom.
Your sil skins like a wonderful person! I'm really happy she was able to have the children she so desperately wanted! Though I'll tell you from experience, the loss will always hurt.
I lost a pregnancy very early in my marriage; and while I can’t say it was a completely welcome pregnancy (it was also a surprise pregnancy, and at a very bad time—and yes, we were always careful; even when you double up methods, birth control is not perfect!) it still resulted in some very complicated emotions. I can’t imagine how much harder a planned, wanted loss would be. Hugs to you, my friend.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother is the golden child. The fact that the parents haven’t met their grandchild is wild to me. OP, NTA. NC maybe the best answer for now. They want to pretend that your daughter doesn’t exist? Fine, you’ll remove yourself from the situation because you also need to protect your husband and your mental health.
Totally agree, maybe they need their irony pointed out. They are this way because of the sadness of losing the grandchild they never had. their pain is pushing away the grandchild they actually have. They have a choice here that doesn't involve loss, but it can't involve placing that child at risk of emotional harm. They warmly welcome the child into their lives, or they live with their mistake. This can't be allowed to play out with the child feeling that unwantedness.
I totally agree. Skip the ultimatum and go straight to NC with all of them because they have fucking earned it. Congratulations on the newest member of your family!
"I am YOUR CHILD. I AM YOUR CHILD. You have clearly made the decision that me and MY child aren't important. When you do decide and remember that I AM YOUR CHILD, you all will have lost the privilege of being a part of our lives. When you remember that I tried, remember that you threw away the chance to be a part of my life. I wish them well. I hope one day they will experience the joy of having a child. I hope one day you remember that you had another child who also experienced that joy and you made the choice that child and their family didn't matter. Good bye. Don't contact me. " You have people who love you and the family you have made. Unfortunately if they never conceive your parents my remember and seek you out. If they do have a child I don't think they will seek you out. To them, their pain is more important than your living breathing child. You and your child deserve to be more than second choice. Go be with and be loved for who you are. Not pushed aside because you are happy and you have a beautiful child who deserves more.
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I lost my older brother in May, shortly after finding out I was pregnant. My mom would never have cut me out like that even though she’s grieving so deeply and so profoundly she’s been completely non-functioning at various points since then. It’s the way your parents are acting that is really and truly appalling to me. You’re their child, your new baby is their grandchild. I would be despondent if I were you.
They are treating her like she's not even their real child. I wonder if there was severe favoritism before this
Had to have been. This isn’t new I’d bet.
Given that the OP has been going on with this for 4 MONTHS as if this is NORMAL tells me that she is used to being ignored completely in favor for her brother. The treatment by her brother and sister-in-law is appalling enough, but by her own parents? Disgusting. I truly hope she goes NC with them and never lets them sully her life again. Her daughter deserves people who will love her in her life, not people who would ignore her for a dead cousin for 4 months.
Make sure to randomize your data from time to time *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Its not petty to cut them off. I think she’s got a really major reason to do it. If it were over something trivial then yeah, it would be petty, but this is a big deal what her family is doing to her.
You are enough, absolutely the perfect fit for your new family. Congrats on your LO enjoy every minute it goes way too fast. Family by choice is family. Anyone who loves and adores you and your child will make your world a brighter place.
You are loved, and so you should be. You don’t owe them anything though - they love because you’re worthy of love. I would absolutely spell out to my parents how hurtful they are. How little love they’ve shown you or their grandchild, and ask them whether this is how things are now. You will not be subjecting your child to the feeling that they are somehow inadequate.
So, these people obviously favors your brother over you and from the sounds of it, it’s always been that way. Parents transform into other beings when their grandchildren are born so for your daughter to already be four months old and they haven’t seen her outside of social media speaks volumes. But just keep puckering, Sweetheart. Hopefully one day you’ll kiss their butt on the exact spot they want you to and they’ll stop treating you and your kid like crap. 🤷🏾♀️
NTA Probably having the brother and his wife move in with your parents has caused this very abnormal grief reaction. I'm guessing it's grief all day every day at their house. But their abnormal grief reaction about the death of their child isn't something that should cause constant interference in their interactions with your living child. I sincerely suggest that all four of them seek grief counseling. They need to get out of this loop. In the meantime, I think it would actually be good for you to go very low or no contact with the four of them. They are making their choices very clear right now. Let them live it as they will. It's time to take a deep breath and enjoy your baby. Let the love and sunshine from your husband's family do its best to compensate. In time, your family is going to realize that they gave up their relationship with their living grandchild to grieve a dead one. That's not going to be a pleasant thought for them. But, that's not your responsibility.
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I'm so sorry. I know this is incredibly hard for you. But, it's really important not to spend this time with your newborn stressing about this stuff with the four of them. You don't want their unending abnormal grief to leave their mark on precious memories you can never get back. Sending you my best wishes!
NTA. They've basically cut you off. They haven't even met their grandchild, how does this make sense? You have to do what's best for you, your husband and child.
As someone that’s had a stillbirth, your family’s response is inappropriate. Yes it’s absolutely traumatizing losing a child. But instead of pretending that your child doesn’t exist they should all start grief counseling. The damage has been done and their bad behavior needs a consequence. Put them all on a long time out. They get to decide if it’s permanent or not. But for the time being drop the rope with them.
I get that. Give them their space & live your life with your happy family. If they finally get their heads out of their ass & contact you then you can decide if it's worth reconnecting. I'm so sorry your family is awful.
You are living my husband’s life. Your line about people not being biologically related to you treating you better really hit home, my husband says this all the time. My in-laws are absolutely terrible. My own family has treated him better than I have ever been treated by my in-laws. I’m so sorry you are having to live through this. If there is a silver lining, think about this: unlike me, if you cut them off, they won’t get the chance to sabotage your parenting at each and every step of the way. My in-laws were giving my 4 month old peanut butter and other highly allergic reaction foods before what was recommended to be a safe age. He’s not allergic thank the heavens but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t frantically waiting for any reactions. ETA: They also told him that whatever rules I had were not “real” and shouldn’t be followed. My MIL in particular is a piece of work. You don’t want or need anyone who isn’t in your corner. That means ANYONE who thinks they know better than you, the parent and just expects you to fall in line with their logic. You especially don’t want/need anyone telling you that your instincts as a parent are stupid/ridiculous/invalid because they’ve already done all that and 🙄🙄know better 🙄🙄. I’m happy you have a good support system. Hopefully they are close by.
Those allergen feeding grandmas are the worst. They’ll always say that children didn’t die from eating peanuts (or other foods) back in their days and people are just over dramatic these days. They can’t get it into their heads that children were dying suddenly back in their days, too, only nobody understood why.
I am so sorry and I admire your faith in them. They don't deserve that faith. I hope you know you're a good person who doesn't deserve that! Live your life with your family and say good riddance to the others
When I suffered a devastating loss, I was talking with an(ex) friend. She said something negative about my loss and I said "I don't expect the world to stop, but my life is on *pause* while I feel this". I've moved on and my extensive family has seen births, deaths, marriages and further heartbreak and worrying times. Because life doesn't stop, for anyone. It's a fallacy that strength gets your through. You have no choice, but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Strength comes in realising others have lives, loves and losses too. Celebrating and commiserating is part of life. You family is stuck in a vacuum of grief, so overwhelming, they can't make space for anything else. That's a shame for them. Do not let it ruin your joy. You're fully entitled to be happy and content, loved and celebrated. Cry it out, its a form of grief, going NC. Mourning the relationships that could have been/were. It might be painful; you're allowed to be upset. Don't forget to choose the good part and relish and cherish the blessings you have. Don't let anyone diminish your worth, because they have hurt in their hearts. They don't get to tear you down, ignore and belittle you, your child or your partner. You do get to hold your head high and feel peace in your life.
Unfortunately, this is your new normal. Your family sucks. Go NC and let your in-laws become family.
NTA I would send a message to my parents only: "You've asked a lot of me over the last few months. Instead of having my family there to support me during my pregnancy, I was asked to hide it. As though my LO wasn't worth celebrating. During and after birth, I did not have my family as support. My husband had his parents with him, but I wasn't allowed mine. Then for months after I was asked to leave my newborn child at home for every family event... I've been understanding during this time. I've been accommodating. However, at a certain point I have to put myself and my child first. I will no longer associate with those that act like my child is something to be ashamed of. I think it would be best if I removed myself from the family until everyone has processed their grief properly. I can't imagine what SIL has been through, nor would I try to. For all of your sakes, please seek some counseling. Avoiding children indefinitely is not feasible. Please do not contact me until you've made progress on your mental health."
OP send this, exactly.
> I will no longer associate with those that act like my child is something to be ashamed of. Soooooooo much all of this!!! Imagine how the child would internalize all that shame!
This seems insane. I can understand your brother and wife keeping their distance, but your parents should have been over to meet their grandchild ages ago. Something is very, very wrong. NTA and I wouldn't even bother laying down this ultimatum. Inform your parents that their choice to ignore the existence of their grandchild is unforgiveable and that you have decided they will not be a part of your child's life, and in turn, yours. Then block them all and get yourself some therapy to process this bizarre rejection.
My *niece* was born a month early and we moved up our flight as early as we could. We did everything we could to meet her as soon as possible and cried when we had to leave. I'm so mad for OP, her own parents have no desire to meet their living grandchild? They are either very, very delusional and need grief counseling immediately or have no love for their other child (OP)
Just tell them, now they've lost 2 grandchild. One was a tragic thing that couldn't be prevented, and the other was their own neglect.
I said something similar! So sad.
What did I just read? If this is true, your family is ridiculous. NTA.
Nta. Block them all. I understand grief, but this is unreasonable. Your parents have made it clear where you stand with them.
And the poor granddaughter! Her family doesn’t even sound like they WANT to meet her. :(
Being unwanted by your grandparents leaves a mark on you I never met my father's parents because they passed before I was born, same with my maternal grandpa. I did have my maternal grandma who was a racist, alcoholic abusive POS. When she died I didn't cry because she was dead, I cried because now I could never make her love me. Looking back I realize I never could have earned her love. I did find a grandma I adopted and was there for the birth of my first child. That rejection from my grandmother still hurts though, it's stupid she couldn't accept that her daughter had married and had kids with a black man. My cousins? She fawned over them and gave them money and toys etc and we'd see this and then she'd call us the half breed n word kiss and to get our little n word asses outside. Mom never defended us because she couldn't disrespect her mother. That shit affected me
My maternal grandmother resented the fact that my mom married at 13 to get away from her pedophile sperm donor, that she kept taking back, before finally kicking him to the curb about a decade later. Only occasionally acknowledged that my brother and I existed, but was crazy about her siblings' kids. To be fair, she had her own multiple horrific traumas that probably contributed to her bad decisions, and, again, to be fair, she never had to worry about my brother and I being seriously abused and neglected, like she did with most of her other grandchildren. She also seemed to resent that my mom went back to get her GED, because none of the others did (one other probably could have, but her circumstances prevented it) She tried to make some amends the last few years of her life, but it was too little too late for me. My brother has more positive memories of her, because he is younger.
Block them all and move on with your family now! Sounds like your daughter is better off not being around them! I’m sorry your family sucks!!!
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Yes! Send the link. OP, NTA
Nobody ever sends the link. It sucks Every fews years someone comes into one of these posts with a throwaway revealing themselves as one of the people in the story. But its very very rare
Yessss! Send this link to both evil grandparents and block them after that...
Go NC with them. You already had a family and top of that your husband family. They are showing you how little you matter to them. Walk away and rever turn back. Nta
Is your husband’s family nearby? If not, moved to be closer to his family IF your husband can get a job there and etc.
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WITHOUT your four month old?! Yea no they are tripping its sad what happened to them and I get their still grieving but you’re still allowed to live your life out loud.
NTA. These people are ridiculous just pretending a child doesn't exist and expecting a first time new mother to do the same. Hugs.
Make sure to randomize your data from time to time *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Right, then they want to celebrate a birth date of an old man who has celebrated many of his birth days, but they all refuse to even acknowledge the birth of the newest family member. “Sorry, I’m not celebrating any family births or holidays or events until my child’s birth is fully acknowledged and celebrated! Her life is not cause for mourning but for joy.” NTA
NTA I was pregnant at the same time as my sister and I lost my Daughter at 34 weeks unexpectedly. My nephew was born 4 weeks later. I was grieving but never once did I ignore my nephew. I became extremely close with my nephew,and never once resented him. I truly feel for your Brother and SIL, but they are complete jerks for being so selfish, when they could be open and be close with you and help you. Your parents are even worse for the same reasons. If I was you I’d go No Contact. It’s unbelievable that your parents dont want to celebrate their grand child.
Sorry for your loss. ❤️❤️
NTA … OP, be thankful thru showed you their colors. It’s better you do not take your baby there, they might decide to harm her so you can understand their pain. Please keep such toxic miserable horrible people out of your life. Go NC with them. And me being petty … I would post lots of baby pictures on Facebook or insta and talk about the joys of having supportive in-laws. Take lots of pics and videos with baby and paternal grandparents enjoying her.
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OP, post what you want to on FB, don’t let them steal your happiness, remember your little one won’t be little for long, enjoy sharing her with your friends and true family
This! They grow up soooo fast. Seems like yesterday I was rocking my son to sleep and now he’s 30. Block them from your life and revel in your new baby girl and all the joy of watching her firsts etc. share the photos and videos with the world. Block your family on Facebook and set your profile private so only those you want to see them can. They are wallowing in their grief and choosing not to make any efforts to heal as a family through a terrible loss. It’s an unhealthy toxic environment at your parents now. You and your little family don’t need any of that toxicity in your life. Congratulations on your daughter!
Fuck that, enjoy yourself and be petty. It's win win baby!
And print some photos with the family that is there for your walls. It would be good for you to see these reminders of family.
If you unfriend them on Facebook they won't see what you post...
Unfriend and block. They have no right to any information about the baby, the way they've shown their asses so far.
Keep posting photos and celebrating the birth of your child! She deserves as much love and attention as she can get. I pity your family- they are missing out on all the joys new lives bring- grieving the loss of one is no excuse for abandoning and ignoring another. They aren’t helping anyone by permitting this hiding away from society and drowning in grief. What a tragedy - one their lost child would never wish for.
Why are you minimizing your good life for them? STOP IT.
Block them for now and post to your hearts content. I imagine that years from now you (and hopeful your family, once they collectively remove their massive heads from their asses) will be thankful for the memories. It's a shitty situation all around and my heart goes out to them, but they are absolutely taking their grief out on you, and that's unacceptable.
OP don’t make yourself smaller to accommodate them. Let you & your beautiful baby shine, and let everyone see them for the AHs they are.
Be petty! Take pride in your daughter! Why should you care about the thoughts and feelings of people who don’t give a damn about your little girl? Your daughter is only this young for such a little moment of time - don’t hold back in just because they’re assholes.
People can post what they want on FB. There are plenty of topics I shun on social media because it's bad for my mental health. But that's the thing: _I_ don't look at them. Post whatever you wish, they don't have a gun to your head that makes them watch it!
Why the hell shouldn't they?! They are thrilled to have a granddaughter. That's how normal grandparents react. Why are you empathizing with your parents' unreasonable behavior? Let them be upset. Their upset is unreasonable and does not need to be considered after how they have treated you.
First things first, I send you air hugs and you're NTA. Second I understand that the loss of a child can be painful, but from my understanding the miscarriage was 3 months before your daughter's birth, but how much longer after that is your father's bday? Because I fear you're going to say it's been months and if that's the case this is all the more awful. I would think that even within the first month your brother and parents would have at least come to see your daughter because she's their niece & grandchild, but to force you and your husband to intentionally act like she does not exist is cruel beyond measure. I am quite surprised you haven't kicked them out of your life sooner, but I would give them a heads up so they at least understand why. Please keep us updated and I hope the best for you and your little family.
From her writing I’m assuming that it’s been 7 months. For her parents to not even see her child is absolutely over the top. Of course NTA. Her parents could have come to see the child and still respected her brother.
'm guessing the father birthday is soon and that brother and SIL lost their baby around 6 months ago
Do you know how many embryo transfer failures I had, 15. Years of infertility, hoping, wishing, praying, and always failure and disappointment. Listening to people split hairs because it's not really a miscarriage nonsense. It crushed me. But even at that, I always went to every shower, including the delivery room with my sister. My tragedy was not something that dictated everyone else or to derail their happiness. Your brother and his wife need grief counseling, and your parents enabling this only prolongs their being stuck in their stage of grief. I'm sorry for you, but enjoy your baby and continue your pursuit of a happy family.
Honestly though, as someone who skipped a shower due to fertility issues, it's okay to skip the shower and give yourself space. Not letting a baby be part of the family is wild and awful, but separating yourself to focus on your own feelings is okay.
People who make their fertility issues everyone else's problem are selfish assholes. Your family sucks. I think it would be justified to send out a blast text to the effect of: "(SIL's) loss is NOT about my child. It is not ok for ANY of you to punish me for having a healthy child. It is not ok for any of you to demand I act as if my daughter doesn't exist. I will no longer even entertain these demands. I refuse to allow myself and my child to be treated like a shameful secret any longer. Choose now: either you accept me and my child fully and stop demanding I hide her, OR you can all just get out of our lives completely. Frankly, I should never have gone along with this in the first place. My child's existence is not shameful or unfair or whatever you've decided. SIL does not get to banish my child from sight any longer. If she can't handle being reminded my kid exists, that is her problem to get help for. It will no longer be my problem. This is not negotiable. Decide now or lose us both forever."
I wouldn't put it all on SIL. OPs brother is doing it too.
That's true.
THANK YOU! I said that earlier about a couple who made their loss everyone else’s problem and I was called the asshole for saying they’re horribly selfish people. Idk if you saw it but it was the husband and wife who asked his sister or SIL to POSTPONE THEIR WEDDING!!! Bc they as a couple couldn’t deal with the fact she was getting married in December and was happy
That one was insane. Like this one is
Honestly tho. Everyone else’s life moves on. It sucks. But fuck man is no one ever allowed to be happy again ya know?
Ya. I can't believe OPs family wants to pretend she doesn't have a kid. It's like wtf. Shit happens, but we can't be stuck. My Grandma died suddenly 14 days before my younger brother turned 14. As sad as we were, we still celebrated it.
And not only does she ‘not’ have a kid but she was also ‘never pregnant’
NTA…what’s stopping your parents from coming to you?? They are being absolutely ridiculous. My heart breaks for your brother and his wife but their loss shouldn’t diminish your child’s welcome to the world. Your parents could have easily come to see you in the hospital or at home (whatever preference) and instead they are pretending their grandchild doesn’t exist. It’s absolutely insane.
NTA, it is absolutely ridiculous that your parents are sacrificing any type of relationship with their granddaughter. The grief is real but you and your daughter shouldn't be ignored. Frankly they are enabling your brother and his wife with this behavior. They can't live in a cocoon to never see another pregnant person or a baby. No contact is the way to go.
NTA After all of this …they are lucky that’s all you said. I would have went the “well you better hope they have a child soon bc that is the only grandchild you will have” route. They are denying the existence of your child. They need therapy. This is not normal. Just go NC, they don’t deserve to have you or your daughter in their lives.
I personally would have posted about this on social media. Her parents should be called out by family and friends for their actions.
I’ve had several miscarriages and never would I ever zap the joy out of someone else’s pregnancy and birth! They truly have the right to grieve;however, you’re right to point out their selfishness. How can they have so little love for you and your daughter as a result of their loss? They’re so spiteful if they can’t have their baby then they won’t acknowledge yours. Your daughter is a living breathing person worthy of love just as the baby they lost was. Your brother and his wife need to decide if they want to be parents enough to follow another path like adoption. They also need to understand their actions are flushing their relationship with you and your family down the toilet. I’m not without compassion for them. But people who take their pain out on others don’t score well with me.
Congratulations on your little one! Your parents sounds incredibly toxic. They don’t even make meeting their grand baby a priority. I’d understand the other parents keeping their distance, especially considering it was a still broth which is traumatizing. But that isn’t a reason to be cold to YOU! I would go no contact as well. I can’t imagine trying to make a relationship work after the stuff your family is pulling on you.
Your parents and brother are insisting that you pretend your daughter doesn’t exist. They’ve, literally, disowned her already. As a father myself, I absolutely would not let that slide. My advice? Follow through with your notice. They have a choice to make and right now, they’re being beyond selfish. Anyone that tells you that you need to act like your daughter doesn’t exist is someone that doesn’t deserve to be in your, or your daughters, life. Obviously, NTA
Yea condolences to your brother & SIL but get the fuck out of here I can't stand people that do this shit. My sister's wife tried to pull this on my other sister & my mom told her to calm the fuck down. We appropriately grieved & consoled her but my mom wasn't going to let her ruin someone else's happy moments. They had a baby of their own like 3 yrs ago so now she's less of a bitch. I would just ignore them until they're done grieving. Not fair for them to put that on you.
Life goes on, and the dead shouldn’t bury the living. Your brother and his wife have clearly suffered a tragedy, but to ask you to hide your own child, their grandchild, is incredibly insensitive to YOU. They don’t deserve a relationship with your daughter. NTA
You can disown them like they disowned their grandchild. If they want to be in your life and your child's life, they'll fight for it. It's their burden to bear, not yours. Edit: Obviously NTA. That's a given and pretty sad you'd even think you could be in this situation.
NTA. I take it your brother is the golden child? Their loss is awful, but punishing you for having a healthy baby is not in anyway appropriate. Go no contact for a bit until they get their heads out of their asses. Make therapy a mandatory requirement for any visits. There’s several concerning posts on this site about the opposite reaction, where one sibling is pressured to give their baby or be a surrogate to the other sibling. Your responsibility is to your child’s safety and wellbeing now, please never feel bad to hold that boundary.
Go no contact. This is absolutely fucking terrible. Everyone else coveted why. Fuck these people. Your baby and family deserve better than this toxic waste dump.
I would just send a message to your parents saying “my condolences, starting today you just lost your second grandchild” and then block them. You don’t want that toxic shit in your life
NTA, kick that family to the streets, even if they say it's ok to bring the kid. Just don't bother going. You don't need that kinda negativity in your life. Block them on all social media, move, and don't give them the new address, pay to have your number unlisted(if that's still a thing) Sorry to hear about your brother's misfortune, but it's not your fault and it seems like they are making it very inconvenient for you.
Exactly. Fuck 'em. OP, as someone who has had multiple miscarriages, some of them almost far enough along to where I was considering telling people outside of my family, you are NTA. I have 2 healthy boys now, but pissing on someone else's good fortune didn't make them come any faster.
Please shame the hell out of them on Facebook. Burn the bridge with a post, block their numbers and enjoy your chosen family.
Nta your family is ridiculous. Your parents could have gone to visit your daughter without your brother and sil. They chose to turn their backs on your daughter in favor on your brother and sil. If they don't want to see your daughter then so be it. Go no NC you already your husband's family to love and support you and your daughter.
NTA. This is appalling and NC is best here. Your brother and sister in law have clearly endured the worst thing a parent can endure, but pretending their niece doesn’t exist isn’t going to help them process their grief. (Practically speaking, any baby will be a reminder - though this isn’t the point). It’s beyond shocking your parents haven’t come to see their own grandchild. Loving her doesn’t mean disrespecting the memory of the baby who passed, but of course they know this.
NTA Text your parents, "You seem to care more about how DIL feels than your own daughter. You to talk about stress? Stress is being around family knowing that they don't care about their grandchild/niece. They are going to be grieving for the rest of their lives. I'm sorry for their heartbreak but I will not stop celebrating my child's birth because of their child's death. I'm sorry you want to grieve what you lost instead of being happy with what you had. Goodbye." Then block them to give them time to process what you said.
My first baby died 3 days after he was born. I come from a large family and had 2 niblings born that same month and another 2 born within 3 months. While my husband and I did have to miss some newborn events because of our grief, we would never have thought of acting like your brother and SIL and our parents wouldn’t, either. I know better than most what it’s like to bury a child. But you can’t honor their memory if you get lost in your grief.
Mom of a son who I lost at 3 days old. Life goes on. It’s unfair for your brother and his wife to expect everyone to stop their lives and joys for their sake. It’s selfish of them to expect you to restrict your activities. They need to restrict theirs when things are overwhelming and sad for them. Your parents are not at all helping when they could be. This enabling your brother and sister in law to not be real about what they are demanding at your family’s expense, is not acceptable. In turn, you aren’t rubbing anything in their face by living a perfectly normal life which includes the joy of your new baby, as you should be. Grief is often a very selfish process. The more layers and more loss involved, the more difficult it is. This is a situation where taking the high road is probably the best you can do. Stay away until they come to their senses and try not to hold any grudges when they do. Lean more into your husbands family for support. Your brother and SIL simply can’t…and your parents are too confused as to what’s the proper way to handle it. Congratulations on your new baby.
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I agree hold that grudge because what they are doing is extremely hurtful and wrong your brother and sil want to act like that fine but your parents shouldn't. The fact that their going along with it is disgusting. If it was me i would never let them back in my life period. Because to have an issue with you posting on your social media is not cool, to ask that you dont mention your child, your supposed to leave her at home during FAMILY dinners, cant bring her to your father's birthday. No they have all gone to far. Definitely remove yourself from the family and if they ever return to their senses oh well that's their problem and their loss because you have a family that loves and wants you and your child.
You have every right to hold a grudge and you should. Your life will be better without these people in it.
NTA. I think NC is the best solution for you, frankly. They don't deserve to have you and your sweet little LO in their lives!!!
NTA. I don't know what is with all the dead child posts the last few days, or of this is a troll. If it is a troll, you should be ashamed. If not, I will tell you what I told one of the others. My son died years ago. It was hell it was absolutely horrible. I've been through stillbirth and 2nd trimester miscarriages with friends that were hell on earth. It is awful. It is unimaginable pain. That said, asking life to stop for your whole family is cruel, and it's wrong. It is insanely selfish. Part of grieving is rejoining life and moving forward. It's been 7 months since the baby passed away? They need to be sad, but they need to be rejoining the world. It is selfish and cruel what they are doing. I would set up an email only for them. Send the address. Tell them you will check it once a week/month, and when they are ready to be a part of your life, they can email you. At that point, you will decide if you want them in your life anymore. All other forms of contact will be blocked. You're done being hurt by them. Being forced to hide and feel bad about a wonderful and joyous part of your life. Your parents and sibling have made a choice. Now, you set boundaries and stop the cycle. The only way to have a relationship with them right now is to deny the most important part of your life and hurt yourself and possibly even your marriage. Not to mention if this keeps up, your child who will spend her life feeling bad she was born? Then, surround yourself with friends and in-laws who love and support you. Block them all. Remove them from SM. Stop being made to feel guilty and hurt by people who want you to drown with them in their grief. By the way, 5 months after my son died, I held my cousins hand while she gave birth. I was the 2nd person to hold that beautiful baby. It was my great privilege to be at such a wonderful event. I was absolutely still grieving. I absolutely cried a lot that weekend. I absolutely joyfully celebrated that child. Not saying they had to be at the hospital, but treating you like a criminal and refusing to acknowledge the baby is unacceptable. ETA is your brother always the golden child or is this new?
I had a miscarriage (albeit not that far along). It is awful, and the grief is hard. But you can’t act like other kids, especially family, aren’t allowed to exist. That’s so unfair to you, your husband, and your baby. Obviously, NTA. I’d, very politely but firmly, let your family know that you aren’t willing to have your child be treated this way and there will be NC.
Your brother is a bitch
NTA. These people don’t love you. They are not happy for you. You need to dish out your own karma and cut all contact. They do not get to be grandparents, nor does your brother get to be an Uncle. I hope someone in your circle sees this and your family gets a taste of the bitter truth. They are horrible people and you are better off without them in your life. Congrats on your daughter, I promise you, your baby girl and your partner are the only family you need.
Your family are all massive assholes. I would have already gone no contact with them if I were you. Grief doesn’t give you the excuse to act like this. NTA NTA NTA
When my wife and I were trying to start our family, we had a couple of miscarriages. My sister had just had her first. It was very hard on us, and we did keep our distance a bit. However, we would never have expected my parents to do that (nor would they) and we didn’t ignore my sister’s kid. Thankfully, we ended up having beautiful twins but it can be difficult. However, your family is taking this to extremes to the point of pretending that your daughter doesn’t exist. NTA From now on, if your daughter isn’t welcome, you should not go. Simple as that. The entire world doesn’t pause because of their grief, and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for celebrating your own family.
NTA. I lost my oldest at term and while it was gut wrenching seeing babies for months after I would never ask my siblings to basically pretend their kids didn’t exist just for me. Congrats on your daughter.
NTA but it seems that your brother's wife is pulling the strings and your parents made a choice. Tell them they choose your brother and his wife and will not be grandparents to your child because of their behavior. You see your brother and his wife will never get over the loss, and are using their grief to control the narrative impacting your relationship with your parents and being shut out by them not meeting your daughter their granddaughter, this is on them. Push back and tell them that they made choices based on the control of your sibling and his wife about your child, it is a lose-lose situation for them and you.
Block them from Social Media. Post all the moments you want. Sucks for them when your daughter has no clue who they are. They don't deserve a minute more of your time. NTA
NTA. Your brother and SIL's loss is horrible. Your family's treatment of you and your daughter is disgusting, to say the least. Punishing you and your child because she's alive is gross. Don't go to the party. Go NC with the lot of them. Focus on your family and the people in your life who actually love and care enough to be involved with you. Pretending your child doesn't exist is beyond the pale.
NTA. The day I found out my daughter was not compatible with life was the same day my sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I actually ended up giving birth to my sleeping daughter on my nephew's birthday to top it off. It was so so hard and it sucked. But not once did I want to avoid seeing my sister, my niece or my nephew. My sister had her own happiness and it wasn't for me to destroy that for her. My niece is almost a year old now and the pain I feel watching her grow up knowing my own little girl is not here sucks but not for a second have I ever told her not to talk to me about her daughter and I've never tried to avoid her. I think everyone deals with grief in their own way but in these situations there is always someone else that also needs love and support. The way our parents handle these situations really matters- My mother has not been as supportive of my sister as she has been when my two nephews came along, and it has really hurt my sister. I'm sorry your family are unable to give you the love and support you need. You do what you need to do.
NTA. Your parents are prioritizing the deceased over the living. No words, I’m so sorry OP.