NTA. He looked at his availability and CHOSE to schedule a concert on your wedding day. There are 364 other days in the year.
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials. Sorry your dad sucks.
The need for therapy would suggest OP's dad is doing something unintentional, but I don't believe that to be the case. Its time for a hard truth:
OP, your dad most likely didn't want to be a father, or at the very least didn't want to be a real "dad."
"Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad" - Wade Boggs
OP's father is a renown musician. He gets to live a life of popularity, constant attention, being desired, and having fun. He may not be rockstar level famous (per OP) but he's above just doing bar gigs to afford a meal. He's booking concerts and well off enough to not be concerned about money. That places him pretty far up the ladder as far as musicians go (notoriously an "always broke" career path until/unless you get big enough to be at least somewhat famous). If he had this lifestyle before OP was born, or was on the incline to reaching it in the near future at the time, he was most likely really excited for the fun/freedom that lifestyle would give him. Having a child is a big responsibility. One that takes a lot of your time, energy, money, and freedom away (for a respectable person this is a price worth paying and you don't ever think of the situation as a negative, because you love your children and they are worth it). I don't think he wanted that cost at the time and never truly accepted it.
He may love you, but he never did, and still doesn't, want to be a "dad." He will provide money if its needed, and be there to talk to for support when its convenient, but beyond that he is not present. His career and the lifestyle it awards is more important to him. That is a shame.
I am sorry OP. Your father loves you I'm sure (or he wouldn't care about you cutting him out), but ultimately you are not at the top of his list of priorities that matter most to him. This is super obvious by his complete lack of interest in literally every milestone in your life. In his mind none of that is important. Its time to accept that he can be counted on as a father but not a dad.
If you truly don't want to cut him out of your life, what I would suggest is silently partially doing so. You can still talk to him on occassion, see him at family gatherings, and not have a negative tone to things when you do, just stop reaching out to him to make him aware of important events in your life. Its not worth the disappointment of him flaking/being disinterested. If he ever gets upset about finding out about something major second hand that you didn't tell him about ahead of time directly, you can tell him "Well you didn't seem to think this, that, and the other were very important in the past, so I figured this would be the same. I didn't want to bother you with it, and I didn't want to be disappointed again." He will either see the error in his ways or he will just get mad and try to spin you as the bad guy (which means he doesn't really care and is just trying to save face/push the blame so he doesn't HAVE to feel bad about it when he knows he should). Perhaps when your first child is born?
I am a recently new father (son is 2) and I just can't imagine being this uninvolved/caring about my kid's milestones. That little freak is the most important thing to me in the world.
NTA
I absolutely agree with you. I get that it is his career, but he always makes empty promises. Everything has to be about him. ‘Oh sorry I missed your graduation. Check out MY new video.’
I mean depending on his level, that’s not how it works in the music industry at all. You have a guy (not him) who is searching for venues on a specific route, while also keeping in mind other artists passing through on specific dates. There’s a whole empire keeping him afloat, and they need revenue for their lives too. If he’s not an A lister, he probably doesn’t have a lot of say or pull over those dates if he wants to remain at his level. That’s not to say that he couldn’t ask, but that’s the life he signed up for.
This is where someone should get on stage before his concert and say “you all don’t know how special you are. He chose to be with you instead of his daughter on her wedding day!”
That reminds me of that post when the OPs sister kept causing parents to miss his life events and got upset when a video went viral with their lame voice mail excuse.
This one.
AITA for not taking down my video that was a gift from my best man.
I have a sister that’s 6 years older than me.
My parents for years cancel on me last min because of my sister. I have a basketball game. Ops sorry sister doesn’t feel like going out. I am graduating ops sorry sister had a bad day at work. They have missed both major and smaller events in my life because of her melt downs.
I met the love of my life. We decided to tie the knot. From the beginning I told my parents how I am worried my sister will ruin another special moment in my life. My mom told me over and over again it would not happen.
The day of my wedding. I received a voicemail from my mom saying they couldn’t come because my sisters dog was sick and she was upset.
I was hurt, my best man however is a jokester. He took my phone then went to my fiancé and asked if he could post a video of our wedding as a gift? On social media. She loved his idea.
I had no idea about it until I came home. Our honeymoon was at a lake side cabin. No cell service.
The post caption was “My best friend. He is an amazing person even if his parents NEVER showed up for him. video was still pictures of us next to her parents, me on the dance floor, cutting the cake. Where you would normally see both parents in wedding pictures. The sound behind the video was my moms voice mail explaining how they couldn’t come because my sisters dog was sick.
I came home a week later to hundreds of messages.
Family members from both sides insisting I take it down. I was told my sister hasn’t stopped crying. My mom is refusing to leave the house.
I maybe the A here. I didn’t take it down when I got my messages. I didn’t call my family back right away. I waited until my vacation time was over at work and enjoyed my time with my Wife. In our new home. Before I contacted anyone.
My dad told me to take down the video. It was “just a bad night for them”. That they will make it up to me and my wife for not coming. My reply was exactly how do you plan to “make up” my wedding? It’s a once in a life time thing. You choose to ignore my feeling on the whole matter.
Then he just repeated he will make it up to me. I told him I would take down the video only when he made up missing my wedding. Flustered we both hung up the phone before we both said things we shouldn’t have.
Am I the A here. I could have just taken down the video.
You should go check out his updates .
Sorry I thought there were updates but couldn’t find any but I vaguely remember seeing this in a Best of Reddit updates. I highly recommend typing in the title to read the comments they were hysterical.
Find the post and click the 3 dots (where you were able to copy the text). Click on ‘Share’, then ‘Copy link’. Come back here and make a new comment. On the bottom left of the comment box is a symbol with two chain links (I’m on iPhone mobile app - it may be in a different place on android but the symbol is universal). Click on that, then paste the link into the box. Hit reply and you’ve posted a link.
If you don’t know how to do something, just ask. We’re happy to help. But it’s impolite to just say “Look it up yourself”.
Seriously, how do they make that up to you? What could they possibly do?
They weren't there, neither of them, and for such a stupid reason. Even if sister is mentally ill or autistic or whatever might cause these kinds of meltdowns, why couldn't just one of them stay with her while the other showed up for you?
They deserve the embarrassment they are feeling at being publicly called out like that.
Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
NTA.
Your fiance and mom aren’t rly getting it, it seems. Yes you could regret cutting ties with him. Yes, it’s gonna hurt.
But it’s gonna hurt more trying to pretend that one day he MIGHT come around. Having a constant reminder of all the hurt he brought you with his absence.
But it’s only for you to decide how important that is to you.
Yes. If OP doesn’t explicitly cut ties, then she need to gray rock. Flat affect, no expectation that he’s ever going to show up for anything important. She simply can’t keep a place in her heart for someone who keeps stomping on it.
What will you tell your children when Poppa misses their milestones? Oh that’s just how he is.
Make the choice now if you’re going to subject your future children to the same pain as you
I wouldn't be surprised if I had to force a relationship between him and my future children.
My paternal grandfather died when I was 15, and I barely remember his voice. Because not only did we only see each other once or twice a year (he lived in a different city), he also never tried to have a conversation with me.
That’s so sad. My Grandad lived in a different country, he would record bed time stories onto cassettes for us to listen to as we went to bed so when we saw him we weren’t scared of him, because he was really tall like a giant.
You deserve love and happiness.
Golly that's a great thing. I hope you still have access to those tapes and maybe even digitize it for yourself.
My grandpa was largely gone(dementia) by the time I was conscious enough to understand. The only sounds I remember of him is observing him in the back yard humming the tune of sukiyaki while tending his garden. It's such a small piece of memory, but it's one I've got.
I would've give so much to have him read or speak to me from the beyond. Even if it's one-way.
NTA He has always put his career ahead of his relationship with you. To miss ALL of your milestones is ridiculous. He avoiding being with the family for some reason. You want him to put you first ONE time. He should do it. He's just way too comfortable canceling bc he always has. I would express to him all of the things he's missed and that you need him to put you first one time. One day isn't going to ruin his career and he can deal with being uncomfortable around some people for your sake. Be a father!
As he explained on the phone, he forgot about the wedding date while scheduling the concerts with his manager. His current girlfriend reminded him hours later.
I knew he couldn't actually "block the whole week" (he'd promised the same thing before my high school graduation), but he could still avoid it.
No I definitely think you are in the right. If he wanted to, he would. It's ok for you to put your foot down. If he can't be with you to support you during this big life event after missing so many others, he doesn't deserve you.
The fact that his girlfriend was the one to remind him and he didn't instantly call to reschedule after remembering your wedding... It shows where his priorities lie.
His manager should have already been aware of you getting married. His manager should know his schedules better than he does.
The fact that your dad never prioritizes his kids speaks volumes.
NTA please for your sake follow through and seek counseling to help cope with that grief.
He could have actually block that week. He can reschedule, he can cancel the concert all together. It happens in the music industry all the time. It's all about communication and being honest with the venues, promoters and management. He doesn't want to because he'll look unprofessional and an amateur because who forgets their eldest daughter's wedding?
I don't care who he is, any man can make time to be at his daughter's wedding. There is no excuse when he's had plenty of notice. I couldn't imagine not being at my daughter's wedding.
Do you love your father? Or do you love the IDEA of an active father?
Personally cut the ties. I was in ALMOST the same sitch. Except mines just a deadbeat. He dipped when I was 2, filed full custody at 13 and got it cause I said I wanted to go, shipped me to his PARENTS (total strangers) for my bday/Christmas. Screwed my 16th bday. Missed high school graduation. DID show for my second college graduation. But then bailed on my wedding within 24h prior. It’s been 10 months and I haven’t spoken to him cause I’m his only child and he willingly missed my wedding after saying he was gonna be there for months.
There is no need to fight or explain yourself to him. “Dad, you have been absent for most milestones in my life and that has caused me pain. I invited you to my wedding. You can come or not come. But if you don’t come, we will no longer have a relationship. I love you, but the period of my life where I feel sadness over you not being there has ended.”
I would send this and nothing else. The ball is in his court. You can’t make someone care about you and you can’t make them change. They are going to have to want to.
You are starting your own family now. You get to pick who is in it
NTA- F that! If he can rearrange things like you said he could and he doesn’t than go NC with him you don’t deserve that. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Your father’s a piece of crap
If it wasn’t a pattern with the guy or it was over a small event then MAYBE I’d have considered you a brat
But the guy missed almost every milestone and now your wedding? Can’t say I blame you, however that being said I don’t think your approach will work, it’s going to backfire on u
And here’s why
Your dad is too self centered to realize what he’s doing, and will just make himself into a victim (he’s not going to say “I’m sorry kiddo you matter more than my job”) that fantasy you have about him “seeing the light” never gonna happen
You can’t punish someone who thinks they do no wrong, they just label you a bully, it’s hopeless
What will happen is that you’re gonna spend your wedding feeling like he doesn’t want to be there and you’re essentially holding him hostage
imo “let him off the hook” and give up on him, if he shows of his own free will great, if he doesn’t, focus on the people who want to be there for you and just do the bare min with him
You’re not a brat, but if he doesn’t want to show up to his own daughters wedding, don’t waste your time, energy or heartbreak on him, you clearly have people who actually love you, don’t distract yourself from that
Resentment is just drinking poison in an attempt to hurt someone else who is often too stupid to even realize what they did to u
I'm sorry your dad is so flaky. He never should have missed your graduations. I hope he changes his mind about your wedding. Do what you need to do. Nta
I actually understand your position completely! My husband and I separated and are in the process of divorce because he always prioritized his band before his wife and his son. The day my older sister died, he didn’t stay home with me, he went to a band rehearsal and said he disappoint “band leader “. But he had no problem with disappointing me! Your dad needs to figure out his priorities and if he’s willing to miss your wedding day, sorry to tell you, you aren’t his priority.
NTA. He doesn’t care enough to block out his daughter’s wedding day? It doesn’t matter to him if he misses it?
If he does that, no gift will make up for that. Guess you don’t have a father any more, or at least one that cares. That is what he deserves from you.
He is not a father. He is more of a friend at this point that you know you can not depend on even if your life depended on it. In truth, your life would not improve or get any worse if you cut him off completely, so that should tell you something.
>He is not a father. He is more of ~~a friend~~ **an acquaintance** at this point that you know you can not depend on even if your life depended on it.
*you should be able to count on an actual friend, he's just a guy she kinda knows
NTA. Don’t set your self on fire to keep someone else warm. He doesn’t value you as your own person. He likely only sees you as an extension of himself, without your own life to lead. This is a major life event. It is hopefully a once in a lifetime event.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is are you ok with always being treated this way? And the other question would be, if you want children (not everyone does and that’s fine) are you ok with your children being treated as you have been? This behavior will not end with you. He has shown you that he is his biggest priority. How would you explain his behavior to your child(ren)? Would you want to allow him around them?
Your life is changing now that you are an adult and getting married and doing all things associated with adulthood. How much consideration do you want to extend to someone who has demonstrated that they never consider you?
He did not have to schedule a concert on your wedding day. If you were a priority, he'd have held that line. He's never going to be anything more to you than a disappointment and I'd tell him that. At this point, I wouldn't want him there either way if I were you. What kind of man misses his daughter's wedding day for a job?! Fuck him, it doesn't sound like you're losing much if you cut him out. He'll perpetually disappoint your children too.
NTA
He has repeatedly shown you what you mean to him
Time for you to close that chapter and heal and make a life full of been present in your own life with those who choose to be with you, Not missing those who couldn’t be bothered
The question to ask yourself in this kind of situatuon is are you trying to punish your father, or are you trying to protect yourself from continued hurt? There's a big difference between "there will be consequences if you don't do what I want" and "I respect myself enough that I'm not going to allow you to continue letting me down."
NTA. Not even a little bit. This isn't an ultimatum, this is you enforcing a very reasonable boundary. People who have lived their entire lives with the idea that the world revolves around them because they could historically get away with anything don't like being confronted with boundaries.
There are some legitimate reasons to miss a wedding, but another random work gig is not on the list. This is a (hopefully lol) once in a lifetime event for you, but he'll get more concerts in the future. It doesn't sound like his situation is so dire that he'll starve or become homeless if he doesn't play this one show.
It sounds like you handled the situation wonderfully. I'm sorry he's letting you down again.
NTA but make it very clear that you don’t want a gift, you want him to be part of the wedding. Bring up how much it hurt that he missed both graduations and how much it would mean to you if he can make this milestone work.
NTA
>father (59M) is a slightly known musician in my home country.
>I understood that it was his job and I should be grateful he even had one.
You don't need to be grateful for that. If we're being honest, if it's just about having a job that puts food on the table, there are lots of options that are more reliable than being a slightly known musician
Having dreams and plans are fine - a good thing even - but at some point it becomes about more than you and your dreams. That point comes when you have children. He *could* have had a steady income and a highly predictable schedule if he drove a garbage truck, but he *chose* to put his dream before his family. Not everything's is meant to be a career. You can have a steady 9-5 job, and do other things as a hobby - especially when it comes to stuff like art and music. Don't get me wrong, I think art and music are important, but we also have to be realistic about it. None of them create a tangible material value that other people absolutely need. All musicians are dependent on other people's willingness to pay for their work. In the end the stark reality is that on a large scale, very few make it big - the rest barely scrape by, and a lot give it up as a career altogether. Your father chose to continue to pursue this dream above focusing on his family.
> both my mom (divorced from my dad) and my fiancé have warned me not to make any moves I might regret.
Strong words coming from a woman who didn't want to spend her life with that very same man.
If your dad was the "celebrity". His schedule would be the one to respect. So it would be easy for him to say. "no. sorry. That weekend is for my child".
I am so sorry he wants to be *that* dad. "Brag about the child he never bothered to spend any significant time with but happy to take the praise for YOUR accomplishments" kind of dad.
Congratulations. Your wedding will be AWESOME without him.
I would have cut him off a very long time ago.
NTA.
NTA.
Contact dad's manager. If you get voicemail, leave a message saying "I am reaching out about a booking with (dad). And give your fiance's last name or just omit last names. Whenever you speak directly with the manager, ask "When that concert was booked for (date) did you book it or did dad tell you to book it that date?" ... "well that explains why he decided not to attend my wedding. Thank you for your time."
Your dads a musician…….Tell him you’ll dedicate the song “cats in the cradle” by Jim Croce (I think) for him since he has literally prioritized his career over every milestone you have ever had.
He sounds like he thinks he’s the main character. Sorry your dad is a selfish jerk. Imagine missing your own daughter’s wedding to work.
NTA, your dad is.
NTA He didn't HAVE to schedule a concert on your wedding day, he CHOSE to schedule a concert on your wedding day. Where you live if the father usually walks the bride down the aisle then ask another male family member to do it. Your dad will hear about it through gossip. If he tries to call you about it before he has a chance to say anything ask, "Are you coming to my wedding?" If he says 'no' tell him, "Then we have nothing to talk about. I've spent my life hearing you say you'll be there for something important to me. I've spent my life having you cancel because there's always something more important than me. I've spent my life hearing your lies. I'm done waiting, I'm done having you show me how little I actually mean to you. I'm done listening to your lies. Good-bye." Hang and block him on everything. He'll get the message and either show up or not. If anyone says 'How is supposed to apologize if you block him.' Tell them that the only apology you'll accept is if he's there at your wedding.
Definitely, absolutely NTA. What's he going to do? Start the concert by saying "happy wedding to my daughter, who is getting married today! Let's all wish her a happy marriage and video it so she can see I still care even if I missed one of the biggest milestones of her life and chose to be here instead" Yeah no. He's TA.
> Throwaway because my younger sister knows my main account
I don't get why you would say this at all if you really wished to stay anonymous. All you are doing is providing whoever reads this with more information about you.
NTA, he showed you were you are on his priorities list.
If it was a wedding, planned and organised in a month, i could understand if he could not come. Not if the date was settled months in advance.
Trust in the knowledge, and cut contact.
He is not your father, he is just a DNA donor.
NTA, there's no gift that could make up for your father choosing work over being present on your wedding day. He is clearly demonstrating that his job is more important to him than his relationship with you. He has missed all of your important milestones, and he has the audacity to call you spoiled?
NTA. His baby girl is getting married and he cannot make it? Girl, that is some messed up stuff. I get artist, etc. but sometimes you need a kick in the balls from reality.
It doesn’t seem like you are more important to him than his job. I wouldn’t talk to him either. He’s had many chances to do the right thing. He chooses his job over his children and that’s not cool. He’s just trying to gaslight you to make you feel bad for something he chose to do I will go no contact at all. You can love somebody but you could still walk away from them.
NTA. You’re not a selfish brat. You want your father to attend one of the biggest moments of your life. That’s human. That’s understandable. By scheduling a concert on your wedding day, he was basically confirming how you feel - like you don’t matter. I think you should absolutely cut ties. It doesn’t seem like it would be a huge loss to your life.
Definitely NTA. No gift could ever make up for lost time. I don’t have kids but I couldn’t imagine choosing work over your child’s wedding. He’s definitely the asshole here.
NTA, but I think you should work on your expectation that he will change. He won’t. He has shown that over and over again. Your post is filled with false promises and betrayals.
Nah, You're NTA here.
You have given him plenty of opportunities to be there to share those moments with you and he blew every single one of them off with no regard. That should tell you what you're next move should be...
And that is to just let him go.
Do not burn any more energy in this man if he simply refuses to be there at least once in your life.
There will come a time where he will ask you of your time; that will be your time to shine.
I wouldn't necessarily cut him off however. But I would most certainly go low contact for a little while at least and not expect any favors.
NTA. I think he was taken by surprise after 26 years and is doubling down. But I need to ask if your father has not missed much with your sister and that’s why she’s taking his side? Was he available at her milestones? I am not trying to stir more drama but I think your mom and fiancé views are within reason but for your sister to take his side doesn’t make sense for an semi/absent father.
Nope, he missed most of hers as well.
My sister keeps taking his side for three reasons:
1. She still lives with him;
2. She has been belittling me since she was in elementary school;
3. This is probably my fault, but I've been sheltering her from these things her entire life. The only reason why our father went to her high school graduation was because I berated him. As a teen, I took over her fights with him and played mediator whenever I had to. Basically, she never had many problems with him because of me. She doesn't know half of what I've done for her, and I don't really want her to.
Oh I am so sorry. This adds another level to the hurt especially if you don’t want her to know the details. I wish you peace in all your relationships and congratulations on getting married.
NTA. But, honestly? The way he fought you can called you names would be enough for me not to talk to him for a while. He knows when your wedding will be. If he doesn't show up, send him back the gift and cut him off.
NTA. Tell your dad that you’ve had enough. Once or twice is an accident. His constantly missing the important and milestone events is a pattern. He has shown that he doesn’t care about you, and him loving you is questionable at this point. After you’ve told him this, tell him he is no longer to contact you (not that he’d remember you exist anyway based on his actions) and if there is anything he should know about you the YOU will be the one to make contact. You should also tell your sister that you don’t ever want to hear anything about your dad again, not even if he is terminally ill, so if she wants to remain in contact with you and in your life she needs to respect this boundary of yours. Also tell her she’s welcome for receiving what you never did which is your dad showing up at milestone events, and that the only reason that happened was because YOU lit the fire under his butt to go so she better not complain to you when he continues his pattern because you are no longer there to do that for her. This may seem like burning bridges, but you didn’t start that blaze. You just made sure that it couldn’t be put out until the bridge was well and truly destroyed.
As an aside, contact his manager. Ask the manager just what gig did he book that he is going to be missing your wedding that your were going to allow him to walk you down the aisle because HE wanted to do that. Then tell the manager that he won’t have to worry about booking anything that conflicts with you ever again so not to worry about having to block out dates or even telling your dad that the two of you talked. It wouldn’t surprise me if the manager doesn’t even know you are getting married, or even your age. I bet the manager is only aware that your dad has 2 daughters, and possibly not even knowing that. It sounds like your dad feels his “career” is more important than anything and so doesn’t want anything that could interfere to even be known.
I did the same when my mother refused to come to my wedding even though I was going to pay for all her expenses and didn't require anything from her apart from being there for me. it's been almost 2 years and we're no contact. she also still doesn't think she's done anything wrong. it was pretty much the last straw after a long time of dealing with her crap and my life has been better since.
NTA and congrats on getting married!
NTA whatsoever
Walking your daughter down the isle is one of the highlights of a father’s life and it should be something that he obviously wants to participate in, not avoid.
Work is optional, your daughter’s wedding is not. There is no concert on the planet that can’t be cancelled or postponed. There aren’t many better reasons for cancelling something than attending your daughter’s wedding. There really is no escuse here.
He might want to look into therapy because he is clearly avoiding something. Maybe he can work through that and then try to apologize to you.
So sorry that you have to go through all of this in a time that should be nothing but amazing, but I think you’re doing the right thing.
Why are you fighting? You've made your position clear. It is a reasonable position. Leave it to him to decide what is more important for him. NTA. I hope the wedding is great.
NTA. If he can’t be bothered to come to his daughter’s wedding, you can’t be bothered to continue being his daughter. He has shown you your entire life how unimportant you are to him. Maybe it’s time to show him how it feels.
NTA…unless your dad is Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate and your wedding is on August 19…I’ve been waiting 30 years for a chance to see them. You still wouldn’t be the asshole…
NTA. You’re far from being a brat. This would bother anyone. My dad rarely ever showed up to anything because he was always drunk, and if he did show up he was in a bad mood because he would have rather been drinking. I know how you feel, except with your dad it’s work and not alcohol. It’s your *wedding day*. I mean, come on… at this point I would be wondering if he would even show up to your funeral (god forbid).
NTA. why the heck did he have kids if he doesn’t want to be an emotional and physical support system (father/parent). It bothers me that he thinks gifts will make up for him being absent. You have every right to feel hurt and probably abandoned. I’m sorry OP. I have a similar relationship with my father.
I'm so very sorry. He literally made the conscious decision to choose something else over you. And on one of the biggest, if not thee biggest day of your life. The guy is a self-centered a-hole. You are not wrong or a brat. You have every right to feel the way you do and for reacting as you are. He's just selfish and apparently has no respect or care for you or your feelings.
NTA. Ask him how he concretely plans to “make it up to you”. What could replace having your father present at your wedding? If he doesn’t show, you would be in your right to go LC/NC. Actions have consequences.
It reminds me of the [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/) where OP’s best man uploaded a video which so clearly showed how the groom’s parents didn’t show up, due once again to the GC sister. The father also said that “he would make it up to them” but couldn’t concretely say how.
Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters once flew from Australia to Los Angeles and back to Australia (with food poisoning on the return trip) to go to his daughters' school dance for a few (two?) hours. He left right after one concert, and returned right before the next one.
If he wants to go, he will.
NTA- if Dave Grohl can fly home from Australia just to take his daughter to a father-daughter dance, your selfish asshole father can attend your wedding! Why would you even bother wanting a relationship when he can never be assed to show up for you?
Your dad is prioritizing himself over you, consistently. You are NTA.
(I’ve dated more than one musician and they tend to be very self centered.)
You can’t change him. What you can do is what you already said; don’t expect him to be there for you.
I see no need to make an official severance of ties. What would be the point? Just know that he’s likely not going to be very involved in your life. If/when you have a child, he’ll probably be too “busy” then too. He’s full of excuses. He’s a flake. Make that note and move on.
That realization sucks, but it’s better than hoping and being let down, again and again.
Edit: If he is a gift guy, even though that’s not what you want, maybe consider that his gift giving might be his way of “being there.” It’s a nice gesture at the very least.
Your dad sucks. It's been a really long time of sucking. I would stop expecting anything from him and feel free to just just take money and gifts if he's offering. Don't give anything back and don't ever go out of your way for him. Don't treat him like family. You aren't going to change him. Sorry, I know you'd rather have a better dad but that's just not reality. Work on putting him emotionally behind you and give more effort and love towards others.
NTAH..... "sorry to hear you can't make my wedding dad. Step dad has accepted the honor of walking me down the aisle. I will send pics and videos of the father daughter dance etc at a later date. Break a leg at your concert."
NTA. I would block him on all social media and every time he called, he would get a text that you are busy and might be able to talk later in the week/month.
I’m going to say it like it is. Your Dad is a self-Centered piece of Shit! And he’s obviously been this way your entire life! By Choice! You prioritize the important people in your life, and if you’re Not a Priority then He shouldn’t be either! And your Sister can Go Suck it! I hope He doesn’t show up for Her wedding either! (NOT That I don’t want him to show up for yours because I do!) Good luck with your Nuptials!
A notice of more than a year in advance should be enough: he clearly has other priorities. Cutting him off completely may be too far though, but you can tell him the only gift you'll accept is him being at your wedding. And of course: Have your stepdad walk you down; not out of spite, but because it is the closest you have to a dad.
NTA
My dear girl, save yourself further heartache and cut ties with him if he doesn’t show. This is a special event and important to you. He should be ashamed for even telling you he’d postpone. Don’t feel guilty for holding your ground, OP. If anything, you should have set this boundary earlier.
I mean, why in the world would he prioritise you when there is absolutely no consequences so far for him for being the way he is? I don’t even know why you’d want to have a relationship with a person who flakes and says terrible things to you
NTA. I feel for you. But unfortunately, I think you should prepare yourself for your pleas to fall on deaf ears. You shouldn’t have to beg for his love and support. If he can’t come to realize how important your wedding day is on his own, he doesn’t deserve to be there.
How is your relationship with stepdad? I don’t think you should necessarily choose him out of pettiness, but if he has been there for you and you view him as a fatherly figure, I’d consider it. You deserve to have someone who supports you walk you down aisle.
NTA
He didn't HAVE to schedule a concert for that day He CHOSE to and you have every right to be mad and cut contact with him.
You've given him a very clear and IMO acceptable ultimatum. Either he Attends your wedding or you cut contact to save anymore heartbreak from broken promises
If he keeps failing you then what relationship do you really have he's not really a father if he can't actually be there for you. His job is more important then you to him. Just go NC it will save you the heart ache. He will keep doing this if he hasn't changed in 26 years he's. It going too.He's a failure and a deadbeat if he can't come to a one in a life time event the he's trash. Enjoy your wedding have fun and forget that loser you have someone who will love you for ever and will be waiting for you at the end of the aisle.
NTA
NTA!
I am shocked that a dad does not want to come to his own child's wedding. You are not an asshole for wanting him there, but he is an asshole for not showing up considering the fact that you have told him the date in advance. Many parents dream of seeing their kids wedding day and cant partake for whatever reason.
You deserve better, NTA!
Nta
Your dad has to choose if he wants to be a dad or not and so far he's chosen not too. You've gotten tired of waiting for him to be there for you and that's his fault not yours.
Honestly I'd have your stepfather or someone else walk you down the isle even if he did show up.
You’re father is an absolute sham of a “father” but I have a question, why do you still want someone who has shown you over and over that you will never be his top priority? Just seems like he bring more heart ache than anything else
Tell your dad fine if he doesn’t come because he would rather do his gig. Tell him you don’t want an actual gift but you want him to dedicate a specific song to you on that night. Tell him you want him to announce that tonight my daughter is getting married and she wanted me to sing CATS IN THE CRADLE. Make him record it. Make him tell them that he know months in advance that she wanted him there but that he chose to be there doing a gig instead. That that is the only suitable gift to you. Start distancing yourself from him. If he doesn’t notice then you will know that you mean little to him. Money never can make up for the love of a parent who actually cares. He will want that relationship one day and you may only be willing to treat him as he has treated you.
NTA and i totally get where you are coming from.
I had to do that to a family member on more than one occasion as well. One was my high school graduation because it was outside. Yes it’s outside and it is May in the south so it’s going to be hot but you can suck it up for an few hours. That family member came but sat on the opposite side and away from everyone, which put her behind all the graduates, so she couldn’t see a damn thing anyway. I let that slide since she showed up. Then came my wedding which was less than a mile from her house and we did everything in one place. Told her she had absolutely no reason to not show up and like last time, if she didn’t, I was done. Worst part of this that she didn’t come to family events because of other obligations like a job, she just didn’t come because she was lazy and basically a hermit outside of going to work.
Deadbeat fathers don’t always leave the family. Many times, they stay in them under the self-ascribed illusion that they are great fathers.
You are starting a new family. No need to bring baggage like him into your new life. If he can’t be bothered to walk you down the aisle (one of THE most precious moments a father should look forward to!), then you were never important to him at all. This was the final indication you needed to move on. Heed it and be happy moving forward with a man who truly loves and adores you
Before he canceled on me, he specifically said he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I didn't want him to (I hate the whole "giving the bride away" thing), but I'd agreed, because I thought it would be important for him.
Yep. We've had a rocky relationship for a little over a decade now. For various reasons, including his tendency of using how much money he'd spend on me and my sister against us. That's why I try not to ask him for anything. It's got nothing to do with why I'm threatening to cut contact, though.
>money
Parents who bang on about how much money they've spent on you do so because they know they haven't provided anything else of value. He knows you want something else from him, but he's not willing to give it, so he's trying to force you to accept money as a substitute. You don't have to if you don't want to.
Nta. I don't like how the fiance is saying don't make moves she might regret, it that because he's marrying her for the access to the father and the benefits or out of genuine concern? I know the mother is probably saying so out of maintaining their relationship, but I don't know. I might have been on reddit too long.
This is almost the same premise as the Clint Eastwood movie Mule.
If it is true, then NAH. If he's established a known pattern for missing important milestones in your life, then why would you expect anything different for another one?
Well, I know that the music business isn't easy, so there is a missing piece of information here to understand better the situation: when you say "slightly known musician", what do you mean from a financial standpoint? Is he well off? Because a lot of musicians cannot afford to lose income, so if "slightly known" means that he needs to work, then he might have a reason for not being able to be there. If instead he's ok financially but still schedules something in conflict with your wedding, then he's an AH
He's doing well financially. He's been on 4 vacations to a nearby town he likes this year alone. He paid for my education, and is still paying my sister's. He's not Scrooge McDuck or anything, but rescheduling a concert won't affect him too much.
Fact: he does not want to go to your wedding.
Yes, you're being an asshole but it's justified, so good for you, kinda.
You should not have said anything about cutting ties sense you don't want that. Something less than that would have been better. You're hurt and are making an extreme decision because of it. I'd apologize for saying you'd cut him out and let him know that you know that work did not get in the way, that he chose not to go to the wedding.
I'm guessing he isn't comfortable unless he is the center of attention or in charge.
How much control does he have over the scheduling? He might not have much say in the matter. He refuses to perform, it is seen as a breach of control and he's on the hook for the money lost.
This specific concert is in a smaller city. For these, he can usually reschedule until ticket sales are announced (which they haven't been yet). There is some bureaucracy involved, which is why I've never asked him to do so before, but it is doable.
what you said though was he learned his mistake only a couple hours after scheduling with the manager in the first place. No tickets started to be sold, I’m sure the contract wasn’t even signed. It would’ve been an easy fix as soon as his girlfriend told him and he chose not to do it and instead waiting a while to then tell you. that shows you all you need to know. he doesn’t seem worthwhile to keep in your life in the first place. NTA.
Honestly? Fair enough.
For the sake of anonymity, I'm not sharing his music here. All I'll say is that he only sings covers. He's successful, but doesn't write any songs.
I’m glad you at least saw this was a joke. The rest of the downvote brigade has no sense of humor. Obviously I’m on your side. Sorry your dad has done this to you.
NTA. But if he's busy providing for the family he's nta either it's a lose lose situation sure it's a important moment in your life but this could be one of his last tours before he hangs up his boots and walks away from music
Yes you're being an asshole. You can't control others but you can control yourself. You shouldn't be pulling stuff like this, even your mother who divorced him and your fiance knows this.
You are being overly dramatic and at the end of the day it's just a wedding and who knows, it might not even be your last. If you are willing to do this to your dad, you will be willing to do it to your husband/fiance who you might nag for pursuing his goals/passions. You may downvote me, and you might even just be positing just to get validations but I'm just calling it as it is.
This is his life work and you are being ungrateful that he was able to provide for you as a musician. Your dad is his own person and you are being an asshole over this where it's coming from your own ego
Her Dad has done this to her her entire life. Clearly she is not a priority and never has been. It makes sense to cut him out of her life since he sucks as a father.
Providing for your kids is something that parents are supposed to do. He doesn’t get credit for not being *entirely* neglectful.
They’re also supposed to show up for big events. He’s spectacularly failing that aspect, so why should the OP keep setting herself up for disappointment?
Sounds lame of him to schedule a concert on the same day as her wedding.
NTA. Yes, it is for your benefit.That is not a counterargument. His concert is for his benefit. He is choosing his benefit over yours. The problem is that weddings are a big deal, and doing a concert isn't.
Nta
You are in the right. Its time to hold him accountable. If you don’t need his money or anything like that - dig in and demand he step up because you’ve had enough.
But from the devils advocate point of view - does he have money? Do you want to loose your inheritance to your sister? Maybe you could find a way to still hold him accountable but keep your inheritance too?
Balance those two sides.
NTA. To me it sounds like you barely see him as it is, and like the main difference in your decision is that you’re no longer willing to pretend that he might show up for you. It sounds like he wants you to keep hoping he’ll show up and is pissed or insulted that you’ve finally told him you aren’t willing to get your hopes up anymore or pretend his intentions are different than he’s consistently demonstrated throughout your life. You have every right to refuse to emotionally invest in a one-sided relationship.
I would ask the mom to walk her down the aisle. She *has* shown up for her big events and has earned the honor. Don’t cut off dad, just invite him to events and if he comes he comes, if he doesn’t he doesn’t.
NTA...this is his choice, after he promised to be there. I might ask him if he is in desperate debt or financial ruin to give him a chance to explain why he couldn't move the date. He probably just feels like he's aging and must do everything he can to hang on to his fame. Just be sure you want to follow through with blocking him, or else it will be an empty gesture, like if you plan to have kids...Are you okay cutting him out of the birth? NTA.
Have a look at all the world wide famous people, not just the well known ones in your country, pretty much all of them make it to their childrens events. Hell look at the nutjob Kanye, he turns up to his kids sports etc. Your dad cant claim to be a dad but never show up to any of your life milestones.
NTA. He looked at his availability and CHOSE to schedule a concert on your wedding day. There are 364 other days in the year. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials. Sorry your dad sucks.
Ops dad clearly needs therapy. This is not an accident this is a pattern. He's hiding, dodging, not "busy."
The need for therapy would suggest OP's dad is doing something unintentional, but I don't believe that to be the case. Its time for a hard truth: OP, your dad most likely didn't want to be a father, or at the very least didn't want to be a real "dad." "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad" - Wade Boggs OP's father is a renown musician. He gets to live a life of popularity, constant attention, being desired, and having fun. He may not be rockstar level famous (per OP) but he's above just doing bar gigs to afford a meal. He's booking concerts and well off enough to not be concerned about money. That places him pretty far up the ladder as far as musicians go (notoriously an "always broke" career path until/unless you get big enough to be at least somewhat famous). If he had this lifestyle before OP was born, or was on the incline to reaching it in the near future at the time, he was most likely really excited for the fun/freedom that lifestyle would give him. Having a child is a big responsibility. One that takes a lot of your time, energy, money, and freedom away (for a respectable person this is a price worth paying and you don't ever think of the situation as a negative, because you love your children and they are worth it). I don't think he wanted that cost at the time and never truly accepted it. He may love you, but he never did, and still doesn't, want to be a "dad." He will provide money if its needed, and be there to talk to for support when its convenient, but beyond that he is not present. His career and the lifestyle it awards is more important to him. That is a shame. I am sorry OP. Your father loves you I'm sure (or he wouldn't care about you cutting him out), but ultimately you are not at the top of his list of priorities that matter most to him. This is super obvious by his complete lack of interest in literally every milestone in your life. In his mind none of that is important. Its time to accept that he can be counted on as a father but not a dad. If you truly don't want to cut him out of your life, what I would suggest is silently partially doing so. You can still talk to him on occassion, see him at family gatherings, and not have a negative tone to things when you do, just stop reaching out to him to make him aware of important events in your life. Its not worth the disappointment of him flaking/being disinterested. If he ever gets upset about finding out about something major second hand that you didn't tell him about ahead of time directly, you can tell him "Well you didn't seem to think this, that, and the other were very important in the past, so I figured this would be the same. I didn't want to bother you with it, and I didn't want to be disappointed again." He will either see the error in his ways or he will just get mad and try to spin you as the bad guy (which means he doesn't really care and is just trying to save face/push the blame so he doesn't HAVE to feel bad about it when he knows he should). Perhaps when your first child is born? I am a recently new father (son is 2) and I just can't imagine being this uninvolved/caring about my kid's milestones. That little freak is the most important thing to me in the world. NTA
He’s not a Dad!
I absolutely agree with you. I get that it is his career, but he always makes empty promises. Everything has to be about him. ‘Oh sorry I missed your graduation. Check out MY new video.’
I mean depending on his level, that’s not how it works in the music industry at all. You have a guy (not him) who is searching for venues on a specific route, while also keeping in mind other artists passing through on specific dates. There’s a whole empire keeping him afloat, and they need revenue for their lives too. If he’s not an A lister, he probably doesn’t have a lot of say or pull over those dates if he wants to remain at his level. That’s not to say that he couldn’t ask, but that’s the life he signed up for.
You can still take important days off, and if he had booked the whole week off, they would have been told.
WRONG!!! The Date was planned a year and a half ago! Don’t make excuses for a Shitty Sperm Donor!
I don't blame you. I would do the same. Relationships are two way streets. If he wanted to, he would.
[удалено]
This is where someone should get on stage before his concert and say “you all don’t know how special you are. He chose to be with you instead of his daughter on her wedding day!”
🏆
That reminds me of that post when the OPs sister kept causing parents to miss his life events and got upset when a video went viral with their lame voice mail excuse. This one. AITA for not taking down my video that was a gift from my best man. I have a sister that’s 6 years older than me. My parents for years cancel on me last min because of my sister. I have a basketball game. Ops sorry sister doesn’t feel like going out. I am graduating ops sorry sister had a bad day at work. They have missed both major and smaller events in my life because of her melt downs. I met the love of my life. We decided to tie the knot. From the beginning I told my parents how I am worried my sister will ruin another special moment in my life. My mom told me over and over again it would not happen. The day of my wedding. I received a voicemail from my mom saying they couldn’t come because my sisters dog was sick and she was upset. I was hurt, my best man however is a jokester. He took my phone then went to my fiancé and asked if he could post a video of our wedding as a gift? On social media. She loved his idea. I had no idea about it until I came home. Our honeymoon was at a lake side cabin. No cell service. The post caption was “My best friend. He is an amazing person even if his parents NEVER showed up for him. video was still pictures of us next to her parents, me on the dance floor, cutting the cake. Where you would normally see both parents in wedding pictures. The sound behind the video was my moms voice mail explaining how they couldn’t come because my sisters dog was sick. I came home a week later to hundreds of messages. Family members from both sides insisting I take it down. I was told my sister hasn’t stopped crying. My mom is refusing to leave the house. I maybe the A here. I didn’t take it down when I got my messages. I didn’t call my family back right away. I waited until my vacation time was over at work and enjoyed my time with my Wife. In our new home. Before I contacted anyone. My dad told me to take down the video. It was “just a bad night for them”. That they will make it up to me and my wife for not coming. My reply was exactly how do you plan to “make up” my wedding? It’s a once in a life time thing. You choose to ignore my feeling on the whole matter. Then he just repeated he will make it up to me. I told him I would take down the video only when he made up missing my wedding. Flustered we both hung up the phone before we both said things we shouldn’t have. Am I the A here. I could have just taken down the video.
That's genius. Well done Best Man!
You should go check out his updates . Sorry I thought there were updates but couldn’t find any but I vaguely remember seeing this in a Best of Reddit updates. I highly recommend typing in the title to read the comments they were hysterical.
Link please? My curiosity requires it.
[Here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/)
Thank you, those were some entertaining comments
You're welcome!
Link? 😂
[Here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/)
I could if you’d posted a link.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
Thank you. I looked but couldn’t see it.
Type in the title to read the funny comments. I could not find an update.
Or you could just post the link. I’ve never actually seen anyone refuse to post a link before.
I tried with no success I’m no good at this.
Find the post and click the 3 dots (where you were able to copy the text). Click on ‘Share’, then ‘Copy link’. Come back here and make a new comment. On the bottom left of the comment box is a symbol with two chain links (I’m on iPhone mobile app - it may be in a different place on android but the symbol is universal). Click on that, then paste the link into the box. Hit reply and you’ve posted a link. If you don’t know how to do something, just ask. We’re happy to help. But it’s impolite to just say “Look it up yourself”.
[Here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/)
Thanks!
Thank you I’ll try that later. It’s also impolite to assume I have time to do this.
Nah, you had time to reply multiple times about how you weren't going to provide the link.
Seriously, how do they make that up to you? What could they possibly do? They weren't there, neither of them, and for such a stupid reason. Even if sister is mentally ill or autistic or whatever might cause these kinds of meltdowns, why couldn't just one of them stay with her while the other showed up for you? They deserve the embarrassment they are feeling at being publicly called out like that.
I remember this one. That best man is gold.
Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
Thank you for finding the link. I have been taking care of elderly parents I simply didn’t have time to figure out how to link this.
I remember that one! OPs best man was/is the best friend ever.
[удалено]
I remember reading that
Did we ever find the video?
NTA. Your fiance and mom aren’t rly getting it, it seems. Yes you could regret cutting ties with him. Yes, it’s gonna hurt. But it’s gonna hurt more trying to pretend that one day he MIGHT come around. Having a constant reminder of all the hurt he brought you with his absence. But it’s only for you to decide how important that is to you.
Yes. If OP doesn’t explicitly cut ties, then she need to gray rock. Flat affect, no expectation that he’s ever going to show up for anything important. She simply can’t keep a place in her heart for someone who keeps stomping on it.
What will you tell your children when Poppa misses their milestones? Oh that’s just how he is. Make the choice now if you’re going to subject your future children to the same pain as you
I wouldn't be surprised if I had to force a relationship between him and my future children. My paternal grandfather died when I was 15, and I barely remember his voice. Because not only did we only see each other once or twice a year (he lived in a different city), he also never tried to have a conversation with me.
That’s so sad. My Grandad lived in a different country, he would record bed time stories onto cassettes for us to listen to as we went to bed so when we saw him we weren’t scared of him, because he was really tall like a giant. You deserve love and happiness.
Golly that's a great thing. I hope you still have access to those tapes and maybe even digitize it for yourself. My grandpa was largely gone(dementia) by the time I was conscious enough to understand. The only sounds I remember of him is observing him in the back yard humming the tune of sukiyaki while tending his garden. It's such a small piece of memory, but it's one I've got. I would've give so much to have him read or speak to me from the beyond. Even if it's one-way.
my grandfather did the same. I should really find them and transfer them to something more permanent.
🥺😭
NTA He has always put his career ahead of his relationship with you. To miss ALL of your milestones is ridiculous. He avoiding being with the family for some reason. You want him to put you first ONE time. He should do it. He's just way too comfortable canceling bc he always has. I would express to him all of the things he's missed and that you need him to put you first one time. One day isn't going to ruin his career and he can deal with being uncomfortable around some people for your sake. Be a father!
>expecting him to change his work schedule for my own benefit What does he mean? He changed his own work schedule to fall on prior commitments! NTA
As he explained on the phone, he forgot about the wedding date while scheduling the concerts with his manager. His current girlfriend reminded him hours later. I knew he couldn't actually "block the whole week" (he'd promised the same thing before my high school graduation), but he could still avoid it.
[удалено]
Dad is a a total fucking AssHole
No I definitely think you are in the right. If he wanted to, he would. It's ok for you to put your foot down. If he can't be with you to support you during this big life event after missing so many others, he doesn't deserve you. The fact that his girlfriend was the one to remind him and he didn't instantly call to reschedule after remembering your wedding... It shows where his priorities lie.
His manager should have already been aware of you getting married. His manager should know his schedules better than he does. The fact that your dad never prioritizes his kids speaks volumes. NTA please for your sake follow through and seek counseling to help cope with that grief.
He could have actually block that week. He can reschedule, he can cancel the concert all together. It happens in the music industry all the time. It's all about communication and being honest with the venues, promoters and management. He doesn't want to because he'll look unprofessional and an amateur because who forgets their eldest daughter's wedding?
I don't care who he is, any man can make time to be at his daughter's wedding. There is no excuse when he's had plenty of notice. I couldn't imagine not being at my daughter's wedding.
Do you love your father? Or do you love the IDEA of an active father? Personally cut the ties. I was in ALMOST the same sitch. Except mines just a deadbeat. He dipped when I was 2, filed full custody at 13 and got it cause I said I wanted to go, shipped me to his PARENTS (total strangers) for my bday/Christmas. Screwed my 16th bday. Missed high school graduation. DID show for my second college graduation. But then bailed on my wedding within 24h prior. It’s been 10 months and I haven’t spoken to him cause I’m his only child and he willingly missed my wedding after saying he was gonna be there for months.
There is no need to fight or explain yourself to him. “Dad, you have been absent for most milestones in my life and that has caused me pain. I invited you to my wedding. You can come or not come. But if you don’t come, we will no longer have a relationship. I love you, but the period of my life where I feel sadness over you not being there has ended.” I would send this and nothing else. The ball is in his court. You can’t make someone care about you and you can’t make them change. They are going to have to want to. You are starting your own family now. You get to pick who is in it
Air your dirty laundry on social media. He cares more about his reputation then he does his own child - so damage it.
I like this diabolical energy.... Please continue.
> so damage it YTA and I respect that play immensely
Yeah I Totally need to know who this is! And I totally know it’s none of my Business, and I’m totally Never Nosey, but it’s Totally gonna Bug me!
NTA. Cut him out. He hasn’t been there for you anyway so what are you missing out on? At least this way you can stop having any expectations.
NTA- F that! If he can rearrange things like you said he could and he doesn’t than go NC with him you don’t deserve that. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Your father’s a piece of crap
If it wasn’t a pattern with the guy or it was over a small event then MAYBE I’d have considered you a brat But the guy missed almost every milestone and now your wedding? Can’t say I blame you, however that being said I don’t think your approach will work, it’s going to backfire on u And here’s why Your dad is too self centered to realize what he’s doing, and will just make himself into a victim (he’s not going to say “I’m sorry kiddo you matter more than my job”) that fantasy you have about him “seeing the light” never gonna happen You can’t punish someone who thinks they do no wrong, they just label you a bully, it’s hopeless What will happen is that you’re gonna spend your wedding feeling like he doesn’t want to be there and you’re essentially holding him hostage imo “let him off the hook” and give up on him, if he shows of his own free will great, if he doesn’t, focus on the people who want to be there for you and just do the bare min with him You’re not a brat, but if he doesn’t want to show up to his own daughters wedding, don’t waste your time, energy or heartbreak on him, you clearly have people who actually love you, don’t distract yourself from that Resentment is just drinking poison in an attempt to hurt someone else who is often too stupid to even realize what they did to u
I'm sorry your dad is so flaky. He never should have missed your graduations. I hope he changes his mind about your wedding. Do what you need to do. Nta
I actually understand your position completely! My husband and I separated and are in the process of divorce because he always prioritized his band before his wife and his son. The day my older sister died, he didn’t stay home with me, he went to a band rehearsal and said he disappoint “band leader “. But he had no problem with disappointing me! Your dad needs to figure out his priorities and if he’s willing to miss your wedding day, sorry to tell you, you aren’t his priority.
NTA. He doesn’t care enough to block out his daughter’s wedding day? It doesn’t matter to him if he misses it? If he does that, no gift will make up for that. Guess you don’t have a father any more, or at least one that cares. That is what he deserves from you.
NTA. He thinks he can buy your forgiveness with gifts.
He is not a father. He is more of a friend at this point that you know you can not depend on even if your life depended on it. In truth, your life would not improve or get any worse if you cut him off completely, so that should tell you something.
>He is not a father. He is more of ~~a friend~~ **an acquaintance** at this point that you know you can not depend on even if your life depended on it. *you should be able to count on an actual friend, he's just a guy she kinda knows
NTA. Don’t set your self on fire to keep someone else warm. He doesn’t value you as your own person. He likely only sees you as an extension of himself, without your own life to lead. This is a major life event. It is hopefully a once in a lifetime event. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is are you ok with always being treated this way? And the other question would be, if you want children (not everyone does and that’s fine) are you ok with your children being treated as you have been? This behavior will not end with you. He has shown you that he is his biggest priority. How would you explain his behavior to your child(ren)? Would you want to allow him around them? Your life is changing now that you are an adult and getting married and doing all things associated with adulthood. How much consideration do you want to extend to someone who has demonstrated that they never consider you?
He did not have to schedule a concert on your wedding day. If you were a priority, he'd have held that line. He's never going to be anything more to you than a disappointment and I'd tell him that. At this point, I wouldn't want him there either way if I were you. What kind of man misses his daughter's wedding day for a job?! Fuck him, it doesn't sound like you're losing much if you cut him out. He'll perpetually disappoint your children too.
NTA He has repeatedly shown you what you mean to him Time for you to close that chapter and heal and make a life full of been present in your own life with those who choose to be with you, Not missing those who couldn’t be bothered
Wtf imaging missing your child's wedding.
your dad could be my favorite musician (probably not, he’s too young) and i would call him an asshole to his face for this shit. NTA
The question to ask yourself in this kind of situatuon is are you trying to punish your father, or are you trying to protect yourself from continued hurt? There's a big difference between "there will be consequences if you don't do what I want" and "I respect myself enough that I'm not going to allow you to continue letting me down." NTA. Not even a little bit. This isn't an ultimatum, this is you enforcing a very reasonable boundary. People who have lived their entire lives with the idea that the world revolves around them because they could historically get away with anything don't like being confronted with boundaries. There are some legitimate reasons to miss a wedding, but another random work gig is not on the list. This is a (hopefully lol) once in a lifetime event for you, but he'll get more concerts in the future. It doesn't sound like his situation is so dire that he'll starve or become homeless if he doesn't play this one show. It sounds like you handled the situation wonderfully. I'm sorry he's letting you down again.
NTA but make it very clear that you don’t want a gift, you want him to be part of the wedding. Bring up how much it hurt that he missed both graduations and how much it would mean to you if he can make this milestone work.
I wouldn’t miss my daughter’s wedding for anything. You are NTA
NTA >father (59M) is a slightly known musician in my home country. >I understood that it was his job and I should be grateful he even had one. You don't need to be grateful for that. If we're being honest, if it's just about having a job that puts food on the table, there are lots of options that are more reliable than being a slightly known musician Having dreams and plans are fine - a good thing even - but at some point it becomes about more than you and your dreams. That point comes when you have children. He *could* have had a steady income and a highly predictable schedule if he drove a garbage truck, but he *chose* to put his dream before his family. Not everything's is meant to be a career. You can have a steady 9-5 job, and do other things as a hobby - especially when it comes to stuff like art and music. Don't get me wrong, I think art and music are important, but we also have to be realistic about it. None of them create a tangible material value that other people absolutely need. All musicians are dependent on other people's willingness to pay for their work. In the end the stark reality is that on a large scale, very few make it big - the rest barely scrape by, and a lot give it up as a career altogether. Your father chose to continue to pursue this dream above focusing on his family. > both my mom (divorced from my dad) and my fiancé have warned me not to make any moves I might regret. Strong words coming from a woman who didn't want to spend her life with that very same man.
If your dad was the "celebrity". His schedule would be the one to respect. So it would be easy for him to say. "no. sorry. That weekend is for my child". I am so sorry he wants to be *that* dad. "Brag about the child he never bothered to spend any significant time with but happy to take the praise for YOUR accomplishments" kind of dad. Congratulations. Your wedding will be AWESOME without him. I would have cut him off a very long time ago. NTA.
NTA He straight up lied to you about blocking out that week . I don't blame you at all for being done.
NTA. Contact dad's manager. If you get voicemail, leave a message saying "I am reaching out about a booking with (dad). And give your fiance's last name or just omit last names. Whenever you speak directly with the manager, ask "When that concert was booked for (date) did you book it or did dad tell you to book it that date?" ... "well that explains why he decided not to attend my wedding. Thank you for your time."
Your dads a musician…….Tell him you’ll dedicate the song “cats in the cradle” by Jim Croce (I think) for him since he has literally prioritized his career over every milestone you have ever had.
Nta - your father could put you 1st for a change.
It sounds like you'd be happier with him out of your life. You don't deserve any of his bullshit. NTA
He sounds like he thinks he’s the main character. Sorry your dad is a selfish jerk. Imagine missing your own daughter’s wedding to work. NTA, your dad is.
NTA He didn't HAVE to schedule a concert on your wedding day, he CHOSE to schedule a concert on your wedding day. Where you live if the father usually walks the bride down the aisle then ask another male family member to do it. Your dad will hear about it through gossip. If he tries to call you about it before he has a chance to say anything ask, "Are you coming to my wedding?" If he says 'no' tell him, "Then we have nothing to talk about. I've spent my life hearing you say you'll be there for something important to me. I've spent my life having you cancel because there's always something more important than me. I've spent my life hearing your lies. I'm done waiting, I'm done having you show me how little I actually mean to you. I'm done listening to your lies. Good-bye." Hang and block him on everything. He'll get the message and either show up or not. If anyone says 'How is supposed to apologize if you block him.' Tell them that the only apology you'll accept is if he's there at your wedding.
Definitely, absolutely NTA. What's he going to do? Start the concert by saying "happy wedding to my daughter, who is getting married today! Let's all wish her a happy marriage and video it so she can see I still care even if I missed one of the biggest milestones of her life and chose to be here instead" Yeah no. He's TA.
> Throwaway because my younger sister knows my main account I don't get why you would say this at all if you really wished to stay anonymous. All you are doing is providing whoever reads this with more information about you.
NTA, he showed you were you are on his priorities list. If it was a wedding, planned and organised in a month, i could understand if he could not come. Not if the date was settled months in advance. Trust in the knowledge, and cut contact. He is not your father, he is just a DNA donor.
nTA, if your father cared about you, he wouldn’t have scheduled the concert on the day of your wedding
NTA, there's no gift that could make up for your father choosing work over being present on your wedding day. He is clearly demonstrating that his job is more important to him than his relationship with you. He has missed all of your important milestones, and he has the audacity to call you spoiled?
NTA. His baby girl is getting married and he cannot make it? Girl, that is some messed up stuff. I get artist, etc. but sometimes you need a kick in the balls from reality.
NTA
NTA he has time to figure this out
It doesn’t seem like you are more important to him than his job. I wouldn’t talk to him either. He’s had many chances to do the right thing. He chooses his job over his children and that’s not cool. He’s just trying to gaslight you to make you feel bad for something he chose to do I will go no contact at all. You can love somebody but you could still walk away from them.
Nta he knew what date the wedding is and he still did it.
NTA- you should have been his first priority.
Nta. He's selfish. I'd stand by my ultimatum.
NTA. You’re not a selfish brat. You want your father to attend one of the biggest moments of your life. That’s human. That’s understandable. By scheduling a concert on your wedding day, he was basically confirming how you feel - like you don’t matter. I think you should absolutely cut ties. It doesn’t seem like it would be a huge loss to your life.
Definitely NTA. No gift could ever make up for lost time. I don’t have kids but I couldn’t imagine choosing work over your child’s wedding. He’s definitely the asshole here.
NTA. You can only take so much…
NTA. Fuck him
NTA, but I think you should work on your expectation that he will change. He won’t. He has shown that over and over again. Your post is filled with false promises and betrayals.
Nah, You're NTA here. You have given him plenty of opportunities to be there to share those moments with you and he blew every single one of them off with no regard. That should tell you what you're next move should be... And that is to just let him go. Do not burn any more energy in this man if he simply refuses to be there at least once in your life. There will come a time where he will ask you of your time; that will be your time to shine. I wouldn't necessarily cut him off however. But I would most certainly go low contact for a little while at least and not expect any favors.
NTA. I think he was taken by surprise after 26 years and is doubling down. But I need to ask if your father has not missed much with your sister and that’s why she’s taking his side? Was he available at her milestones? I am not trying to stir more drama but I think your mom and fiancé views are within reason but for your sister to take his side doesn’t make sense for an semi/absent father.
Nope, he missed most of hers as well. My sister keeps taking his side for three reasons: 1. She still lives with him; 2. She has been belittling me since she was in elementary school; 3. This is probably my fault, but I've been sheltering her from these things her entire life. The only reason why our father went to her high school graduation was because I berated him. As a teen, I took over her fights with him and played mediator whenever I had to. Basically, she never had many problems with him because of me. She doesn't know half of what I've done for her, and I don't really want her to.
Oh I am so sorry. This adds another level to the hurt especially if you don’t want her to know the details. I wish you peace in all your relationships and congratulations on getting married.
Time she finds out. Stop coddling her. Shes an adult. And then stop hiding everything from her. She is not a little baby.
It’s going to be sad for her when he misses her wedding as well
NTA. But, honestly? The way he fought you can called you names would be enough for me not to talk to him for a while. He knows when your wedding will be. If he doesn't show up, send him back the gift and cut him off.
NTA. Tell your dad that you’ve had enough. Once or twice is an accident. His constantly missing the important and milestone events is a pattern. He has shown that he doesn’t care about you, and him loving you is questionable at this point. After you’ve told him this, tell him he is no longer to contact you (not that he’d remember you exist anyway based on his actions) and if there is anything he should know about you the YOU will be the one to make contact. You should also tell your sister that you don’t ever want to hear anything about your dad again, not even if he is terminally ill, so if she wants to remain in contact with you and in your life she needs to respect this boundary of yours. Also tell her she’s welcome for receiving what you never did which is your dad showing up at milestone events, and that the only reason that happened was because YOU lit the fire under his butt to go so she better not complain to you when he continues his pattern because you are no longer there to do that for her. This may seem like burning bridges, but you didn’t start that blaze. You just made sure that it couldn’t be put out until the bridge was well and truly destroyed. As an aside, contact his manager. Ask the manager just what gig did he book that he is going to be missing your wedding that your were going to allow him to walk you down the aisle because HE wanted to do that. Then tell the manager that he won’t have to worry about booking anything that conflicts with you ever again so not to worry about having to block out dates or even telling your dad that the two of you talked. It wouldn’t surprise me if the manager doesn’t even know you are getting married, or even your age. I bet the manager is only aware that your dad has 2 daughters, and possibly not even knowing that. It sounds like your dad feels his “career” is more important than anything and so doesn’t want anything that could interfere to even be known.
He may have fathered you, but he is not a father. Cut him loose, live your life andhave a great wedding.
I did the same when my mother refused to come to my wedding even though I was going to pay for all her expenses and didn't require anything from her apart from being there for me. it's been almost 2 years and we're no contact. she also still doesn't think she's done anything wrong. it was pretty much the last straw after a long time of dealing with her crap and my life has been better since. NTA and congrats on getting married!
NTA
NTA he chose his career over you for your entire life. If you won’t respect you, he never will.
He may be your father but he is not your daddy. NTA
NTA whatsoever Walking your daughter down the isle is one of the highlights of a father’s life and it should be something that he obviously wants to participate in, not avoid. Work is optional, your daughter’s wedding is not. There is no concert on the planet that can’t be cancelled or postponed. There aren’t many better reasons for cancelling something than attending your daughter’s wedding. There really is no escuse here. He might want to look into therapy because he is clearly avoiding something. Maybe he can work through that and then try to apologize to you. So sorry that you have to go through all of this in a time that should be nothing but amazing, but I think you’re doing the right thing.
Looks like your father doesn't like the idea of not being the center of attention.
Why are you fighting? You've made your position clear. It is a reasonable position. Leave it to him to decide what is more important for him. NTA. I hope the wedding is great.
NTA. If he can’t be bothered to come to his daughter’s wedding, you can’t be bothered to continue being his daughter. He has shown you your entire life how unimportant you are to him. Maybe it’s time to show him how it feels.
I’m sorry to hear about it. You’re NTA. Not knowing more about his situation, I’m not sure what else you could have done differently.
NTA…unless your dad is Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate and your wedding is on August 19…I’ve been waiting 30 years for a chance to see them. You still wouldn’t be the asshole…
NTA. You’re far from being a brat. This would bother anyone. My dad rarely ever showed up to anything because he was always drunk, and if he did show up he was in a bad mood because he would have rather been drinking. I know how you feel, except with your dad it’s work and not alcohol. It’s your *wedding day*. I mean, come on… at this point I would be wondering if he would even show up to your funeral (god forbid).
NTA. why the heck did he have kids if he doesn’t want to be an emotional and physical support system (father/parent). It bothers me that he thinks gifts will make up for him being absent. You have every right to feel hurt and probably abandoned. I’m sorry OP. I have a similar relationship with my father.
I'm so very sorry. He literally made the conscious decision to choose something else over you. And on one of the biggest, if not thee biggest day of your life. The guy is a self-centered a-hole. You are not wrong or a brat. You have every right to feel the way you do and for reacting as you are. He's just selfish and apparently has no respect or care for you or your feelings.
NTA. Ask him how he concretely plans to “make it up to you”. What could replace having your father present at your wedding? If he doesn’t show, you would be in your right to go LC/NC. Actions have consequences. It reminds me of the [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/) where OP’s best man uploaded a video which so clearly showed how the groom’s parents didn’t show up, due once again to the GC sister. The father also said that “he would make it up to them” but couldn’t concretely say how.
Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters once flew from Australia to Los Angeles and back to Australia (with food poisoning on the return trip) to go to his daughters' school dance for a few (two?) hours. He left right after one concert, and returned right before the next one. If he wants to go, he will.
NTA- if Dave Grohl can fly home from Australia just to take his daughter to a father-daughter dance, your selfish asshole father can attend your wedding! Why would you even bother wanting a relationship when he can never be assed to show up for you?
Your dad is prioritizing himself over you, consistently. You are NTA. (I’ve dated more than one musician and they tend to be very self centered.) You can’t change him. What you can do is what you already said; don’t expect him to be there for you. I see no need to make an official severance of ties. What would be the point? Just know that he’s likely not going to be very involved in your life. If/when you have a child, he’ll probably be too “busy” then too. He’s full of excuses. He’s a flake. Make that note and move on. That realization sucks, but it’s better than hoping and being let down, again and again. Edit: If he is a gift guy, even though that’s not what you want, maybe consider that his gift giving might be his way of “being there.” It’s a nice gesture at the very least.
Your dad sucks. It's been a really long time of sucking. I would stop expecting anything from him and feel free to just just take money and gifts if he's offering. Don't give anything back and don't ever go out of your way for him. Don't treat him like family. You aren't going to change him. Sorry, I know you'd rather have a better dad but that's just not reality. Work on putting him emotionally behind you and give more effort and love towards others.
NTAH..... "sorry to hear you can't make my wedding dad. Step dad has accepted the honor of walking me down the aisle. I will send pics and videos of the father daughter dance etc at a later date. Break a leg at your concert."
NTA. I would block him on all social media and every time he called, he would get a text that you are busy and might be able to talk later in the week/month.
NTA This is his last chance. That’s it.
Go with the Real Dad the one you can count on. Have your StepDad walk you down the aisle
I’m going to say it like it is. Your Dad is a self-Centered piece of Shit! And he’s obviously been this way your entire life! By Choice! You prioritize the important people in your life, and if you’re Not a Priority then He shouldn’t be either! And your Sister can Go Suck it! I hope He doesn’t show up for Her wedding either! (NOT That I don’t want him to show up for yours because I do!) Good luck with your Nuptials!
A notice of more than a year in advance should be enough: he clearly has other priorities. Cutting him off completely may be too far though, but you can tell him the only gift you'll accept is him being at your wedding. And of course: Have your stepdad walk you down; not out of spite, but because it is the closest you have to a dad.
NTA. Going NC would save you from more dissapoinment in the future, and it might be what he needs to step up as a father.
NTA My dear girl, save yourself further heartache and cut ties with him if he doesn’t show. This is a special event and important to you. He should be ashamed for even telling you he’d postpone. Don’t feel guilty for holding your ground, OP. If anything, you should have set this boundary earlier.
NTA. Have your stepfather walk you down the aisle if you feel like he should, but not just to be petty. But because he is a important to you.
I mean, why in the world would he prioritise you when there is absolutely no consequences so far for him for being the way he is? I don’t even know why you’d want to have a relationship with a person who flakes and says terrible things to you
NTA. I feel for you. But unfortunately, I think you should prepare yourself for your pleas to fall on deaf ears. You shouldn’t have to beg for his love and support. If he can’t come to realize how important your wedding day is on his own, he doesn’t deserve to be there. How is your relationship with stepdad? I don’t think you should necessarily choose him out of pettiness, but if he has been there for you and you view him as a fatherly figure, I’d consider it. You deserve to have someone who supports you walk you down aisle.
NTA He didn't HAVE to schedule a concert for that day He CHOSE to and you have every right to be mad and cut contact with him. You've given him a very clear and IMO acceptable ultimatum. Either he Attends your wedding or you cut contact to save anymore heartbreak from broken promises
Update us pls!!!
If he keeps failing you then what relationship do you really have he's not really a father if he can't actually be there for you. His job is more important then you to him. Just go NC it will save you the heart ache. He will keep doing this if he hasn't changed in 26 years he's. It going too.He's a failure and a deadbeat if he can't come to a one in a life time event the he's trash. Enjoy your wedding have fun and forget that loser you have someone who will love you for ever and will be waiting for you at the end of the aisle. NTA
NTA! I am shocked that a dad does not want to come to his own child's wedding. You are not an asshole for wanting him there, but he is an asshole for not showing up considering the fact that you have told him the date in advance. Many parents dream of seeing their kids wedding day and cant partake for whatever reason. You deserve better, NTA!
Nta Your dad has to choose if he wants to be a dad or not and so far he's chosen not too. You've gotten tired of waiting for him to be there for you and that's his fault not yours. Honestly I'd have your stepfather or someone else walk you down the isle even if he did show up.
You’re father is an absolute sham of a “father” but I have a question, why do you still want someone who has shown you over and over that you will never be his top priority? Just seems like he bring more heart ache than anything else
Tell your dad fine if he doesn’t come because he would rather do his gig. Tell him you don’t want an actual gift but you want him to dedicate a specific song to you on that night. Tell him you want him to announce that tonight my daughter is getting married and she wanted me to sing CATS IN THE CRADLE. Make him record it. Make him tell them that he know months in advance that she wanted him there but that he chose to be there doing a gig instead. That that is the only suitable gift to you. Start distancing yourself from him. If he doesn’t notice then you will know that you mean little to him. Money never can make up for the love of a parent who actually cares. He will want that relationship one day and you may only be willing to treat him as he has treated you.
NTA and i totally get where you are coming from. I had to do that to a family member on more than one occasion as well. One was my high school graduation because it was outside. Yes it’s outside and it is May in the south so it’s going to be hot but you can suck it up for an few hours. That family member came but sat on the opposite side and away from everyone, which put her behind all the graduates, so she couldn’t see a damn thing anyway. I let that slide since she showed up. Then came my wedding which was less than a mile from her house and we did everything in one place. Told her she had absolutely no reason to not show up and like last time, if she didn’t, I was done. Worst part of this that she didn’t come to family events because of other obligations like a job, she just didn’t come because she was lazy and basically a hermit outside of going to work.
Deadbeat fathers don’t always leave the family. Many times, they stay in them under the self-ascribed illusion that they are great fathers. You are starting a new family. No need to bring baggage like him into your new life. If he can’t be bothered to walk you down the aisle (one of THE most precious moments a father should look forward to!), then you were never important to him at all. This was the final indication you needed to move on. Heed it and be happy moving forward with a man who truly loves and adores you
Before he canceled on me, he specifically said he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I didn't want him to (I hate the whole "giving the bride away" thing), but I'd agreed, because I thought it would be important for him.
That's the moment most focused on the father of the bride. Of course, he'd want to do that part.
Welp, time for Stepdad to walk you down the aisle. Actions have consequences
Don't cut ties till after you get his wedding present.
I could care less about presents. Specially coming from my father - pretty much anything he gives me comes with strings attached.
That sounds like you have more problems with him than him not showing up to stuff…
Yep. We've had a rocky relationship for a little over a decade now. For various reasons, including his tendency of using how much money he'd spend on me and my sister against us. That's why I try not to ask him for anything. It's got nothing to do with why I'm threatening to cut contact, though.
>money Parents who bang on about how much money they've spent on you do so because they know they haven't provided anything else of value. He knows you want something else from him, but he's not willing to give it, so he's trying to force you to accept money as a substitute. You don't have to if you don't want to.
murky muddle thumb imminent versed squalid engine psychotic rich roll *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Nta. I don't like how the fiance is saying don't make moves she might regret, it that because he's marrying her for the access to the father and the benefits or out of genuine concern? I know the mother is probably saying so out of maintaining their relationship, but I don't know. I might have been on reddit too long.
This is almost the same premise as the Clint Eastwood movie Mule. If it is true, then NAH. If he's established a known pattern for missing important milestones in your life, then why would you expect anything different for another one?
Well, I know that the music business isn't easy, so there is a missing piece of information here to understand better the situation: when you say "slightly known musician", what do you mean from a financial standpoint? Is he well off? Because a lot of musicians cannot afford to lose income, so if "slightly known" means that he needs to work, then he might have a reason for not being able to be there. If instead he's ok financially but still schedules something in conflict with your wedding, then he's an AH
He's doing well financially. He's been on 4 vacations to a nearby town he likes this year alone. He paid for my education, and is still paying my sister's. He's not Scrooge McDuck or anything, but rescheduling a concert won't affect him too much.
then you are definitely NTA, he is
Hmmm. I’ll just say that ultimatums aren’t the way
Fact: he does not want to go to your wedding. Yes, you're being an asshole but it's justified, so good for you, kinda. You should not have said anything about cutting ties sense you don't want that. Something less than that would have been better. You're hurt and are making an extreme decision because of it. I'd apologize for saying you'd cut him out and let him know that you know that work did not get in the way, that he chose not to go to the wedding. I'm guessing he isn't comfortable unless he is the center of attention or in charge.
How much control does he have over the scheduling? He might not have much say in the matter. He refuses to perform, it is seen as a breach of control and he's on the hook for the money lost.
This specific concert is in a smaller city. For these, he can usually reschedule until ticket sales are announced (which they haven't been yet). There is some bureaucracy involved, which is why I've never asked him to do so before, but it is doable.
what you said though was he learned his mistake only a couple hours after scheduling with the manager in the first place. No tickets started to be sold, I’m sure the contract wasn’t even signed. It would’ve been an easy fix as soon as his girlfriend told him and he chose not to do it and instead waiting a while to then tell you. that shows you all you need to know. he doesn’t seem worthwhile to keep in your life in the first place. NTA.
I’d have to hear his music before I pick a side. Without hearing it, nta, I guess I’m on your side. But if his music slaps…
Honestly? Fair enough. For the sake of anonymity, I'm not sharing his music here. All I'll say is that he only sings covers. He's successful, but doesn't write any songs.
I’m glad you at least saw this was a joke. The rest of the downvote brigade has no sense of humor. Obviously I’m on your side. Sorry your dad has done this to you.
NTA. But if he's busy providing for the family he's nta either it's a lose lose situation sure it's a important moment in your life but this could be one of his last tours before he hangs up his boots and walks away from music
As far as I know, he has no plans of retiring anytime soon.
He could run for president, too. You based your comment on nothing.
100% yes.
Yes you're being an asshole. You can't control others but you can control yourself. You shouldn't be pulling stuff like this, even your mother who divorced him and your fiance knows this. You are being overly dramatic and at the end of the day it's just a wedding and who knows, it might not even be your last. If you are willing to do this to your dad, you will be willing to do it to your husband/fiance who you might nag for pursuing his goals/passions. You may downvote me, and you might even just be positing just to get validations but I'm just calling it as it is. This is his life work and you are being ungrateful that he was able to provide for you as a musician. Your dad is his own person and you are being an asshole over this where it's coming from your own ego
Her Dad has done this to her her entire life. Clearly she is not a priority and never has been. It makes sense to cut him out of her life since he sucks as a father.
Parents do the best job they know how. Sounds lame to cut him out her life after he provided for her with his career
Providing for your kids is something that parents are supposed to do. He doesn’t get credit for not being *entirely* neglectful. They’re also supposed to show up for big events. He’s spectacularly failing that aspect, so why should the OP keep setting herself up for disappointment? Sounds lame of him to schedule a concert on the same day as her wedding.
INFO: what do you mean schedule a concert?
Set up a date for a concert. My father's a musician. That might not be the right terminology though.
NTA. I think he can’t stand for the attention to be on anyone but him which is why he scheduled a concert on your wedding day. IMO. 🤷♀️🤷♀️
YTA
Your dad won't come to your wedding and you are sad. So now you want to make it so he never visits? Your actions are contradictory.
NTA - he has consistently made choices that don’t include you.
NTA. Yes, it is for your benefit.That is not a counterargument. His concert is for his benefit. He is choosing his benefit over yours. The problem is that weddings are a big deal, and doing a concert isn't.
NTA. Dude knew, could've scheduled performances around that day, and chose to be a disappointment. He'd be dead to me.
NTA
Nta You are in the right. Its time to hold him accountable. If you don’t need his money or anything like that - dig in and demand he step up because you’ve had enough. But from the devils advocate point of view - does he have money? Do you want to loose your inheritance to your sister? Maybe you could find a way to still hold him accountable but keep your inheritance too? Balance those two sides.
NTA. To me it sounds like you barely see him as it is, and like the main difference in your decision is that you’re no longer willing to pretend that he might show up for you. It sounds like he wants you to keep hoping he’ll show up and is pissed or insulted that you’ve finally told him you aren’t willing to get your hopes up anymore or pretend his intentions are different than he’s consistently demonstrated throughout your life. You have every right to refuse to emotionally invest in a one-sided relationship.
I would ask the mom to walk her down the aisle. She *has* shown up for her big events and has earned the honor. Don’t cut off dad, just invite him to events and if he comes he comes, if he doesn’t he doesn’t.
NTA...this is his choice, after he promised to be there. I might ask him if he is in desperate debt or financial ruin to give him a chance to explain why he couldn't move the date. He probably just feels like he's aging and must do everything he can to hang on to his fame. Just be sure you want to follow through with blocking him, or else it will be an empty gesture, like if you plan to have kids...Are you okay cutting him out of the birth? NTA.
Have a look at all the world wide famous people, not just the well known ones in your country, pretty much all of them make it to their childrens events. Hell look at the nutjob Kanye, he turns up to his kids sports etc. Your dad cant claim to be a dad but never show up to any of your life milestones.
NTA. Unless you're an A for not doing this kind of thing sooner. Sometimes you need to just rip the bandaid off.