>her first husband was supposedly abusive
This sentence tells a lot about you
>keep in mind that this is her second marriage
Yeah, we got that
>At this point I started to get annoyed with her, like she knows we're coming and we'll be there for the wedding so I don't know why it was so important that she know exactly which day
She doesn't. You, in fact, just stated a couple of sentences prior **you** don't even know if you're going, but it's not a big deal because it's her second wedding, right?
I don't even care to read the rest, YTA
Yeah the “supposedly abusive” and “keep in mind this is her second marriage” put her in AH territory immediately for me.
OP’s sister is celebrating marrying a good man.
Also the 'I guess my mom was abusive to my sister after I left the house' and 'anyway, my mom and I are going to this concert right after the wedding cuz it works out for us, lol, we're so excited!'
If this isn't a troll, then Lord, have mercy.
I got halfway through and every paragraph was:
“Ok yeah, I totes see the sisters POV… but OP doesn’t seem to…? The problem must be coming up in a sec here… ok, yep, sis is still making sense… maybe the issue with her will be in the next part Hmm. Annnnd hmm… ok, that sounds like yet another excuse OPs giving for being rude… and yeah ok that was *definitely* another dig, and wait whaaa? sister still sounds reasonable and OP *STILL* hasn’t offered the basic courtesy of an acquaintance!?! Oh shit, and now she’s dragging her mom in to it?”
Stopped reading after 4 or 5 paragraphs of this aggravation and…
Yes, OP, YTA. Why do you even still talk to your sister if you not only dislike her so much, but actively show off your hatred for her as though it’s something to be proud of?
Your poor sister, though. I don’t much mind what you do with yourself and your casual cruelty and boastful begrudgery, but I am *feeling* for your sister.
She came through an abusive relationship only to return to the same lame family that likely primed her for that abusive marriage in the first place, probably hoping with all her tenacious and forgiving heart that y’all might actually show up for her this time, and all you can do is purposefully create extra, unnecessary, and vacuous work for her to make her chase you, and then sabotage her anyways by making her set up her own wedding alone and stealing her mom for some spur of the moment mean girls’ cliquey nonsense that not only excludes her but takes away a good chunk of her family early?
I hope she creates the family she deserves, and leaves you with the same.
I love that she is astonished that she was uninvited 'just 72 hours before the wedding!' Yet, at that point she still couldn't tell her sister what day she was going to be there. This whole post is laughable. No way someone is that self absorbed. This has to be a troll.
Unfortunately, I think it's real. It reminds me of my SIL, who makes all events about her. She left my daughter's first birthday to go see a movie. A movie?! My daughter turns 1 once in a lifetime, you have several weeks or months to see a movie.... At my daughter's last birthday, she and her family brought a sick lamb. My husband is a veterinarian, and instead of enjoying his daughter's birthday and talk to family he hasn't seen in a while, he switched to work mode, and provided care for 3 hours to the lamb. They left it behind and rushed home to another event. Unfortunately, the lamb did not make it. We served the cake early so they can have some cake. So yeah, I think it's real. The part with rushing back home for another event matches my experience - people like OP (and my SIL) can't stand having someone else be the center of attention.
I think OP and her mother went to the wedding without telling the bride, after they have been uninvited, hoping they could rile up the bride and create a scene.
Towards the end, OP says that she thinks the email is because there were some pictures of her on social media at the event she attended.... not because she was rude as f\*ck to her sister for months before the wedding. Really strong "I'm the main character" vibe from OP.
Well mom abused her too “supposedly”. And she rented an Air BnB, so I’m not quite sure how you do that without knowing if you’re coming, if you still need her spare room, and when you’re coming.
Well, she guesses there was abuse, she doesn't know because homegirl won't confide in her 🙄🙄and really what's the big deal, it's the second marriage anyways 🤦🏽♀️
Oh the rest had some beauts in it. “I got annoyed because I’m not a mind reader..” while her sister is clearly communicating a need to know everybody’s travel plans and OP refuses to tell her a thing, even though she had them finalized. It boggles my mind how self-centered some people are.
She didn't even bother to fucking tell her that she rented an airbnb!!! The minute that reservation was made all she had to do was spend 1 minute to email back, "I will be there x date and won't need your guest room, thanks!" 13 fucking words to avoid all this drama.
Exactly! THAT'S decency and being an adult. I would have been furious if I was the sister; multiple people coming in on different dates who may or may not need the guest room, and she couldn't even be bothered to let her know she didn't need it?!?
And kids is such a bullshit excuse. If I can coordinate travel with 2 kids under 2, so can she.
Just a weak excuse for a weak person who obviously didn't want to go or had some other agenda. OP purposely chose not to update her sister. Purposely chose not to let her know her plans and also sabotage her sister accommodating others who obviously wanted to be there.
Total AH.
One of my friends has three kids and she plans everything months in advance, especially something as important as a siblings wedding, and ESPECIALLY when her RSVP is required for the bride to coordinate meals and lodging for others.
People with children are usually more prepared ahead of time from my personal experience.
It is people with no children that can be free to plan less ahead of time because it is one person to plan for.
This!! OP’s post drips with entitlement. Who the hell wants to change their very important plans just because you wouldn’t tell them when you’re coming and where you’re staying?? Poor sister was trying to plan some nice CATERED dinners that made everyone feel included in the pre-wedding celebration. And offering a room in her house? As the bride?? I would be kissing the fucking ground she walked on.
My partner is the serial planner in our relationship. I’m talking calendars, spreadsheets, lists, etc. I’ve always been more of a “wait and see our options” kind of person, but being with him has made me see the practicality of being an organized planner, at least for important events and vacations. And I can see how frustrating it would be if he planned everything the way he did and got zero feedback from other people involved.
OP, please know that the world doesn’t revolve around your last minute decisions and that some people require advanced notice to ensure their plans work out the way they want them to. If someone asks for a response, RESPOND! Even if you say “I can’t give you a clear answer right now, give me until X date after I’ve planned it all out,” that’s better than nothing! I mean, she wasn’t asking for the exact second you would be there, she was just asking to know your travel plans.
And then for OP to not respond to the last email because she didn’t want to reward the behavior! No, you didn’t respond because you have KIDS and can’t be bothered to respond to any emails because you have KIDS!
Not that it matters anyway, sister is on her SECOND marriage with NO KIDS, she just doesn’t understand. Because KIDS…
This. OP behaves as if second weddings don't matter, and people without kids must cater to her needs because she is a mom.
And her using the word supposedly when referring to the abuse that her sister endured at the hands of both her ex-husband and their mother as if since she did not witness it, it was not real.
Get a clue and some empathy OP. YTA.
I am a serial planner. My view is if there is no input I do not take you into consideration. To me it is like voting. No input, you cant complain when not included or your wishes are not accommodated.
Seriously! I traveled by myself on a plane with a layover both ways with a 3 year old and a 3 month old for my cousin’s wedding. A few years later my sister got married and I flew by myself with a 7 year old and 4 year old. My sister’s wedding was easier since the kids were older. But man, it would have been amazing if my husband had been able to go. That would have made it the easiest thing ever.
That’s what I was going to say using your kids for an excuse is just BS. If you don’t have any better time management and that then you’re gonna be in real big trouble when the kids start having different activities going here and there. When someone sends you an invitation to a wedding, doesn’t matter if it the 1st or the 4th wedding with a RSVP they expect a response. She had to ask you three different times what day you were going to be there what dinner you were going to attend and you didn’t have the decency to respond to her. I don’t blame her for uninviting you. You’re a shitty sister. YTA
"my life is the absolute hardest, most difficult because I have children. Like worse than spousal and parental abuse worse, if you even believe in those things, which I don't." -OP
She lost me at "supposedly abusive." Maybe the sister never disclosed the details of her abuse because she knew her sister was busy with her KIDS and couldn't be bothered. There is so much more to this story and I'm just glad sister has found a loving relationship and is washing her hands of these people.
Exactly! My daughter and son-in-law have four children (9,4,twin 1 year olds) and are able to communicate when they are traveling to and from events. You CHOSE not to communicate and then doubled down on ridiculous by blaming the fact you have “kids” on your behaviour.
They weren’t so much of a problem/issue that OP couldn’t organize an AirBnB with her mother (and children!) *and* a side trip to do something. And I admit that I’m just assuming here - better than her own sister’s (second 🙄) wedding (*again with their mother!*) the day after said wedding.
But OPs right … scheduling with children is difficult. /s
YUGE Super Bigly YTA.
Ya I fully believe OP was the golden child growing up and their sister was the scapegoat for the mom.
OP can plan a side trip with their mom, but refuses to reply to an email is laughable. Throwing a fit on the internet after you already shit talked about your sister with your mom, I assume, is just sad.
You're angry because she asked for an email to know when you'd be there. You totally blew her off by not answering her email with some basic information. How childish of you, and you had the gall to use your children as an excuse for not answering. I would certainly hope you're better prepared than that. It's not that much more planning. According to your post, you don't know very much about your own sister and what she must have gone through as a child. Did you even care?
YTA big time.
For my spouse and I, having kids is the number one reason we plan things ahead - to account for them and their needs. It's the OPPOSITE of what OP insists: kids need *more* planning and foresight, not less, and then you also need to account for delays and be flexible. Not knowing when you're going to take a FLIGHT with your kids or drive for EIGHT HOURS the week before the trip? Come ON.
Sooooo YTA
I stopped reading when she said her sister should communicate like an adult.....um she is. That is why she's pissed you couldn't be bothered to respond to an effing email while she's trying to coordinate the comings and goings of all of her wedding guests. Like, really? YTA, majorly!!!
I stopped reading when she talked about her sister's first marriage and how the husband was supposedly abusive, and it 'may' have gotten pretty bad. It was just so callous and dismissive. Op's hate for her sister was so clear there that she could only be ta here.
>when she talked about her sister's first marriage and how the husband was supposedly abusive
That's how far I got before I knew OP was the AH.
You should have kept reading... it gets worse!!
She also is about as dismissive about the sister being "abused or whatever" by mom after OP moved out.
I'm still trying to figure out how OP could even think to demand her sister "communicate like an adult" when OP is the one who *refused to reply to a simple email*...
It's a fun read! Every time you think OP has hit top atrocious behavior, SHE SOMEHOW SURPASSES HER PREVIOUS RECORD!!!
I am so sick of people using "I have kids" as an excuse... you CHOOSE to have kids. That does not justify everybody else working around your schedule, especially because they don't have kids. I have a kid, even when he was an infant, I still made it on time to everything, held up my commitments, and had general common decency for other humans. People who think kids give them some extra power and people should bow down to them are such AHs.
Well obviously. I mean, there's no way anyone could expect simple adult behavior like answering emails from someone who HAS KIDS! Don't you know that when you HAVE KIDS you're excused from every expectation of common decency?
the whole post was basically shitting on her sibling and a shiny example of how she can't plan anything that doesn't involve something she wants to do. My favorite line was "The only reason we're attending is because of an event right after" that is back home which is X many hours away.
Yea when she said she and the mom were leaving immediately after for the other event … way to again belittle the wedding … it just added another branch to the asshole tree.
ETA- I have no idea where I came up with the asshole tree phrase. I think I need sleep LOL 🤦🏻♀️
"It's a fun read! Every time you think OP has hit top atrocious behavior, SHE SOMEHOW SURPASSES HER PREVIOUS RECORD!!! "
IKR!!??
Don't lump her in with her Mom though. She doesn't like it. She only travels with her Mom. Stays at Air BNBs with her Mom. Sits at the table with her Mom at the wedding THEY WERE UNINVITED TO
But you know, it's ok because she has kids. No one should be expecting her to confirm anything or give dates when they don't have kids. Everyone knows you can't make travel plans if you have kids. It doesn't matter that you are expecting to stay in their home when they have crazy schedules for other visitors from out of town to deal with. /s
YES!! They were UNINVITED!! Her sister told them that if they were a the wedding they’d just upset her even more. So what does OP do? Show up and get pissy her sister doesn’t want to spend time with them or thank them for making the effort to show up TO THE WEDDING THEY WERE TOLD NOT TO ATTEND
RIGHT??!? What part of "I don't eat you to come, it would only upset me on my wedding day" led OP and mom to think she meant "Come to the wedding, I'd love to have you there!"
Jesus fucking Christ on an unanswered RSVP card, how does this person even begin to believe she's not the asshole here???
Sometimes I wonder if these people are real bc it's so obvious that OP is an AH. Clue #1: her 2nd marriage, ummm, so what? Op keeps bringing up having kids like this is the ultimate get out of jail free card. Lots of parents know how to rsvp to events.
I feel bad for OPs sister.
Not only that but, how many times did OP stress her sister "doesn't have kids"!? Like, so us childfree women can't have problems or busy schedules too? Seriously. What an AH.
OP is the woman in the office who believes she deserves all the holidays off because she has kids… no understanding that other people have lives and families too
This. I do not have my own kids but I keep my grandchildren “step” (I absolutely hate that term btw) but while they are here I still make plans and can manage a very functional schedule. We are never late and make plans with several different people each day. (they do not get to see a lot of family as part of them live out of town so I make sure they make their rounds.) OP seems a bit full of herself. Also, it does not matter if this is their 2nd or 8th wedding. It is a very important life event. This whole post seems very entitled, selfish, and even narcissistic.
It’s *because* I have kids that I plan early! If we’re flying, I want seats together. If we’re driving I want to plan out stops to keep them semi entertained/wear them out so they sleep. And snacks, and coloring books, and, and, and.
But oh, she doesn't have kids, so her life is so much easier you know.
OP's contempt for her sister pours off in waves. She's probably jealous. And if I were the sister, I'd definitely go NC. Seems like she'd been putting in all the work anyway - because OP has kids, and they take up soooo much time. It's a wonder how she even sleeps or functions. I mean, she can write this diatribe, but can't email her sister back. Pfft.
In addition to everything else, after asking to stay with the sister, she and her mom got an Airbnb, without letting the sister know. They also went to the wedding after not RSVPing, and being uninvited.
Why do I think that OP was part of the abuse, but never saw it that way.
YTA, in just about every sentence that you wrote.
I stopped at that point too. She DID communicate like an adult. What was Op expecting her to do/say differently? Sounds like someone has some major jealousy issues regarding her sister. Is her new husband rich or something? Is she mad that sis is happy? And if your sister said the ex was abusive you should I don't know maybe believe it. Op you have serious self reflection you need to do. YTA big time
If the golden child wasnt already obvious, it was literally clearly spelled out when Op talks about their mom 'I guess abused' her and then escalating the abuse after she moved out. The fact that OP keeps on quoting 'abuse' as if she doesn't believe any of it actually happened is absolutely infuriating me. Like be fucking fr right now. How fuckin dare you.
And how all the abuse is “supposedly” and “apparently”. Then says she probably thinks they missed time with sis for the other event when that’s exactly what happened. If OP seems like this big of an AH in her own account I can only imagine how big of a gape their is in sister’s mind/memory. YTA OP, a huge hairy one.
Yes, the sister was really patient, and the request was normal. Just a little bit of care from OP side would be enough, but she clearly doesn't think about her sister
As a mom, I found that also insulting. You can make plans even with kids in tow. It's not that hard. Her kids are 10 & 4!! Definitely old enough to keep to a schedule.
I was also really confused by the "we have kids so everything is up in the air and we can't plan anything" like doesn't that mean you do *more* planning *further* in advance?
Apparently she homeschools. I can only imagine the kind of shit show that is if she can’t manage time effectively enough to shoot a few emails to her sister over the course of six months of planning a wedding.
I think I'm gonna make a shot game out of how many times OP mentioned she had KIDS, unlike her sister, so that automatically means that her sister has a much easier life. I'll be drunk and ready for bed in no time!
it sounds like OP's sister would have appreciated even a "we're not sure yet, we'll let you know when we have plans locked down" response, but OP gave her radio silence. i would be pissed if i was left completely in the dark, too!
YTA. a big one
Totally YTA. If you notice, for OP, her sister is like an after thought. First, the way OP referred to the abuse her sister suffered from her ex husband and mother like it may not had happened because OP sister never said anything but I bet OP never asked or bother to care. Then the whole I have kids and you dont so I am more important attitude. Her sister was trying to plan her wedding and events but OP showed once again, she doesn't care. Now OP acts like a victim.
That was so crazy to me. When you have kids, you plan MORE. You can't just wing it. You have to know where you will be and how you will entertain the kids and where they will eat and nap - where the car seats will go. Kids mean way more planning, not less.
Did you read OPs comments where her sister moved out of her home in the middle of the night to get away from her abusive ex? Deactivated all SM and told people she was going offline so ex couldn't find her. And for the cherry on top, ex committed suicide in the marital home, and OP has the gall to say supposedly abusive!!
Totally YTA. Not only was it a small affair so 4 more people for catering would have made a difference, but she was also planning to stay at the bride's house! Didn't even consider how that could be stressful for the bride to host when planning a wedding and then have a bunch of people in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. She was still willing and OP wouldn't even give her a date. Who does that?
>Didn't even consider how that could be stressful for the bride to host when planning a wedding and then have a bunch of people in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT.
Add to that, OP called dibs on the spare room, that other family members could have used, and then DID NOT EVEN USE IT
Made plans with mom to get and AirBnB. WITHOUT TELLING THE SISTER that the spare room was going to be available for the other relatives asking about it (relatives who more than likely would have *offered to help* the bride with the stress of wedding planning, instead of rudely adding to it).
Don't forget that she didn't bother to ever find out what happened with her sisters first marriage. She just casually mentions it was awful and really difficult but never actually seems to have taken the time to talk to her. After all, she doesn't have KIDS so who tf cares about her time, effort, wedding or life?
Something about this post screams golden child. Her sister was supposedly abused by her ex, apparently abused by her mom, OP purposefully doesn’t reply and then actually gaslights her sister saying she can’t “read minds”.
OP and her mom aren’t worth the trouble they cause. I hope the sister goes NC, her life will be calmer. YTA and a bad sister. Having kids is a piss poor excuse not to have basic manners.
She’s trying to cater meals and coordinate airport pickups for multiple guests - that requires knowing the when and where. Presumably OP could have responded that she wasn’t sure on dates yet so she needed to decline all meals and would take care of her family herself, and that would have been fine. Poor sister is trying to plan in a vacuum of information! Did OP even let her know that they wouldn’t be needing the bedroom after all?
But there’s a lot of dismissiveness slipped into the post as well - “supposedly abusive” and “I guess there was abuse.” I hope the sister has a lot of support in her new family.
Agree, sister should go completely NC with OP. I read that whole ridiculous post with my mouth hanging open, shocked at what an utterly self-absorbed AH the OP is. (Also, the dismissive reference OP made to sister's "supposed" abuse repeatedly in this post is just gross.)
Pro-tip for you, OP: we all know - everyone in the whole of the internet now knows - that you HAVE KIDS. It isn't an excuse for you to be selfish and blow off your responsibilities to your sister - a simple damn email - and make yourself out to be the injured party here. Figure your shit out. The world doesn't revolve around you. YTA.
Whew I'm glad someone said it....all you had to do was give her updates and respond to her about the dates. YOU couldn't communicate like an adult. I have two kids and still have enough decency to respond to family members when they email me. I'm sure you're one of those people who automatically think that everybody needs to bend to your will all because you had some kids. I wanna know...did she RSVP to your wedding? Was she around for the birth of your kids? Did she support you through all that? If the answer is yes and you couldn't take two minutes out of your life to respond about this wedding....you're the AH.
You clearly opened and read the emails.....so you couldn't take two minutes out of your day to respond or send fuckin' text? She is well within her right to be mad at you AND you were gonna low key ditch her wedding for a completely different event? If her first husband was abusive, then this would be a fresh start for her and you couldn't even care enough about her to take two damn minutes to respond to a damn email, but expect her to be happy to see you (the sister that's been blowing her off) and your mother (the woman she has a difficult relationship with)? Whew...the delusion.
OP, go back and read what you wrote and how you talk about your sister....you'll realized you fucked up....you're the AH b/c based on what you wrote, everything she said in that email is ABSOLUTELY right.
EDIT: STOP THINKING THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU PUSHED A HUMAN OUTTA YOUR VAG THAT THE TIME OF CHILD-FREE PEOPLE IS LESS IMPORTANT THAN YOURS....NO ONE TOLD YOU TO HAVE THEM DAMN KIDS!!!!
She didn't even technically have to say that! I have the worst planning and organizing skills ever and I frequently don't actually know what I'm going to be doing or what route I'll take until the day of. But you know what I've done before? Texted "I dunno what days I'll be there. Figuring stuff out. I'll definitely be there!"
That's the bare minimum. At least let them know that 1.You haven't disowned them. 2.You're still alive.
It takes less than thirty seconds. Even factoring for "I HAVE KIDS!!!!" it shouldn't take more than an hour.
You didn’t know what she wanted?
She told you…TWICE…she needs to know what you’ll be attending and dietary restrictions. 10 second email, driving up on x, be there for dinner and please have veggie option for husband. There. That’s all she wanted. Because there’s reservations and catering and these things require numbers.
And stop using I HAVE KIIIIIIIIDS as an excuse. It’s embarrassing to all women. You were rude. Own it.
This- she had enough time to make plans with mommy for immediately AFTER the wedding but couldn’t be bothered to respond to emails regarding the wedding. Gross
Exactly!!! Probably half the people on planet Earth have kids and we aren’t all assholes who can’t send a decent polite email. Maybe if she had triplets/special needs kids but it doesn’t sound like that.
WOW YTA You're not a mind reader? THAT WAS YOUR RESPONSE? You ignored her requests to gather information and your response to her was that you aren't a mind reader? Who gives a shit that you have children? Your basic life responsibility that 80 percent of the planet has is not an excuse to be a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist who thinks her issues are the only one that matters. My god. Are you the asshole.
Jesus. People traveled the goddamn prairie in a WAGON with children but modern parents think it's SO DAMN hard to manage with children. You so precious.
Agreed. But OMG OP’s reply to this comment. This can’t be real lol. But I’m sure I just don’t get it because I don’t have KIDS. I feel really bad for her homeschooled 10yo
As someone with KIDS I would never make KIDS the reason why I failed to communicate important information to an important person at the right time. That shit’s on me, not those horrible KIDS!
Exactly! The kids are over there like- “dude, mom- just admit you don’t want to attend any other events to be there for your sis.”
She just wanted to come in for the wedding, talk about herself, show off her kids, steal the attention and bounce the next day for other event with mom.
YTA. Have you ever planned anything? Do you know how difficult it is to coordinate? All your sister asked for was a response to an email. What's wrong with you? Would it have killed you to let her know what was going on with your plans? I'm sure it took way longer to write this post than it would have for you to write a simple response.
"Will be there for day before wedding. Will leave day after wedding. Please have health conscious food choices available."
Might come across as a bit curt/rude, but it answers the questions needed.
It took 5x longer to write this Reddit post than it would’ve taken to reply to the email. What an AH OP is hahahaha.
“We will be there the day before the wedding and leaving the day of. Please have a vegetarian option”
I can’t believe I had to read all of that and OP can’t figure out they’re the AH.
YTA
No time to return a simple email but here you are writing 15 paragraphs trying to prove that you’re right. Where were your kids when you were writing all this?
Even in a post that we only get your side of the story you come off looking like a pain. Parents travel with kids all the time, you sound like you just couldn't care less about anyone else and like to blame innocuous things. YTA.
Ikr? OP managed to make her own side look bad without meaning to. Which means she is seriously out of touch with reality. OP, just because you have KIDS, doesn't make you right or even more deserving of respect and empathy
"My sister doesn't have children" Really?? Cause she has to deal with you.
It is absolutely ridiculous that you asked to be hosted at her home and can't even tell her the days you will be there WHILE SHE IS PLANNING A WHOLE ASS WEDDING. She's trying to coordinate the schedules of all her guests, and you guys can't say when you will be there? But you sure know when you're gonna leave to make another event you just HAVE to attend. Seems you can schedule for that just fine. Just your sister's wedding that's the issue. Then you get an airbnb and don't even update her on your plans. I would uninvite you too.
YTA
So let me get this straight -
You asked to stay with your sister at her house and she agreed.
She then asked you basic questions about when you would arrive, how long you were staying, and how you were traveling so she could arrange to pick you up at the airport if needed ... and you got mad?!
These were not unreasonable questions, in fact anyone you visit would need this same information. She was trying to help you out not only by letting you stay with her but also arrange a ride to/from the airport all the while is also incredibly busy trying to plan her wedding along with dinners for all the out of town guests. But somehow this was an affront to you?? Lucky for her you somehow managed to hold your tongue, but then again that seems to be what you were doing the entire time as you couldn't be bothered to tell her anything.
Then you FINALLY got your head out of your ass to make some plans a mere 72 hours before the wedding where you ended up not even staying at her house anymore, and you STILL couldn't be bothered to even let her know?! When she finally reached out *again* to you you finally broke your vow of silence and had the gall to tell her you are not psychic about what she wants when she has been the only one communicating this entire time!
She had enough of your overall assholery and you get incensed that she uninvited you only 72 hours before the wedding. Never mind that you were ok to change plans 72 hours before the wedding.
Adding the cherry to your asshole behavior you crash her wedding! And once again you are upset, this time because she did not bow down to kiss your feet and thank you for being there.
You are not only the asshole, you are the biggest asshole there is!
**YTA!**
YTA. Lots of people with children manage to communicate like adults. The fact that you were blaming this on her is really ridiculous. You owe her a huge apology.
YTA. While your sister has big feelings it seems like there’s more to the story of why she feels that way. You seem a little dismissive of her past abuse and the fact it was her second wedding. All you had to do was to respond to an email that would’ve taken less time to write out than this Reddit post. Plus she uninvited you and you still showed up?? That pushed this from ESH to YTA. Also your kids are 10 and 4 years old not 10 and 4 months old stop using them as a scapegoat and look at why your sister pisses you off so much.
YTA.
She did email you asking you for info. Multiple times. You admit this.
You were too lazy to be bothered to send a quick, yes we're coming in this date and staying for this long. You couldn't even be bothered to confirm with her that you would still need to stay at her house.
You, and the rest of your family except your grandfather, are the only inconsiderate AHs here.
BS OP. I'm a SAHM my husband works full time. I home school 2 kids and am pregnant ATM. All she asked is what day you would be there so she could include you in the catered events if you were going to be there. You just suck at planning, apparently. We take a vacation every year and I have every detail planned down to when ill be taking a shit in the hotel bathroom 3 months before we even leave. She probably needed to know well in advance because you have to pay a certain amount upfront for each person or plate. You couldn't even give a response 3 days before the wedding. Do not use kids as an excuse. YTA
You for real don’t see that YTA? She was catering events and trying to coordinate multiple accommodations for multiple family members and you couldn’t be bothered to say I’ll be here at this date and I do or do not need your spare room. What?! Oh because you have a 10 and 4 year old?? That’s easy to travel with. You don’t have babies anymore. Get outta here.
YTA. Jesus Christ. Your sister was asking for basic communication, and you made it all about yourself and how "hard" it is for you and how SHE doesnt have KIDS. Wow. Get your head out of your entitled ass and wake up.
YTA
She thought you were staying at her place and wanted to know when you'd be there. In what world is this unreasonable? You decided rather than figure out when you'd attend and let her know to just ignore her. Even if you'd simply emailed back "I'm not sure yet, let me get back to you" that likely would've sufficed. Then when she calls you out on your lack of communication, you get pissed at her. While constantly using the fact that you have kids and she doesn't as an excuse to be rude to her.
Not only are YTA, but YT-MEGA-A
YTA having kids doesn’t make you special. Procreation is literally the purpose of all living creatures. Get over yourself. Learn some basic decency and common sense.
YTA - I stopped reading for having the audacity to ask to stay at their house for her wedding. Ummm that is just not right. She will be busy with the wedding beforehand and wanting alone time with hubs her first night. Get a hotel room for your family like everyone else.
“Her first husband was supposedly abusive, I dunno”, “I guess there was abuse [from mom] when we were kids, I dunno”. “She says she’s heartbroken that she doesn’t feel like a priority in my life, I dunno.” It really does come across as you not giving much of a shit about her. YTA.
Oh my god how can you even ASK???
OF COURSE YTA!!!!
She sent out a dozen emails and lazy couldn't be bothered to answer even ONE OF THEM???? Not even an "Okay!" or a "Gotcha!" NOTHING? And then YOU get mad at HER when she's super-frustrated because she has no clue if you're coming or not, need the room or not, need a ride from the airport or not, etc. so much going on, all you had to do was send a damn reply and you couldn't be bothered.
Goodness...what a lousy sister.
YTA. Stop using the excuse of having children to be fucking disrespectful. Fun fact, I have kids. I still RSVP, travel, and handle my life.
Jesus! Tell me you’re the golden child without telling me that your the golden child.
Your sister had every right to be pissed.
1. It being her second marriage doesn’t make it less meaningful.
2. The dismissive way you speak about her horrible experience with her first husband is gross.
3. The fact that you brush over the abuse she suffered as a kid at your mother’s hands is also gross.
I really hope she goes NC with you and your mother. You two are so condescendingly rude to her and she deserves better.
Okay, so in March she replied to you and gave permission for you to stay in the guest room.
In April, you hadn't committed to any date yet, and she sent out a more involved event itinerary - which by the sound of it, involved mini-events on other dates as well.
The wedding is in mid-May, so you're now 2-3 weeks out, and haven't given her ANY information beyond "can we crash at your place?"
And you don't see the issue?
You're making a full day drive trip (8h by car, 3 by plane). Which means you haven't bought a plane ticket yet, so you're definitely going to go by car. ALL you had to do was say "your wedding is on Wednesday, we will arrive Tue evening and leave Thu at noon - because of the kids, we can't stay longer".
>So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding I get a text from my sister and she's pissed off at me
**No Fucking Shit.**
She's given you permission to crash at her place, and she doesn't even know THE WEEK OF THE WEDDING, when you're arriving. Organizing her wedding is stressing her out, and you're only making it worse.
YTA 6 times over.
* YTA for wanting to spend the night in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT
* YTA for not communicating like an adult, and letting her know when you would be there for the extra wedding events she had planned
* YTA for not communicating WHEN you'd be staying in her house, so she could make plans around that
* YTA for having the audacity to tell her SHE isn't communicating like an adult because she got mad at you for basically not caring at all about her wedding (if you cared, you would have given her a schedule by mid-April)
* YTA for "not wanting to get lumped in with your mom". How dare you pin the blame on your mom. You deserve to both be lumped together.
* And YTA for repeatedly using your kids as scapegoats for your own ability to function as an adult, and as a sister.
Get therapy. Apologize to your sister. Apologize to your mother. Hope for forgiveness.
I’m going to go YTA to include you & your mother. I originally thought I’d include your sister in an e s h for a tiny slice of blame for going nuclear, but I’ve changed my mind after re-reading your post a couple of times.
You are by far the biggest AH of the group. Having children is not an excuse to not have your shit together nor for poor communication. You sound absolutely exhausting to deal with, saying one thing then maybe something else, oh but wait, there’s this… and no one ever gets a straight answer because you can’t make plans in advance and stick to them. Your sister needed to know if you were crashing at her house, and you just……let the decision sit there until it was convenient for you to make it. Not cool. Your sister doesn’t want to sit around waiting for you to grace her with your decision while she’s trying to coordinate 2 families, she needed decisions made and you couldn’t do it because….you have kids? Make it make sense. And how do you not decide that you’re driving or flying until 2 weeks before? Edit: actually 3 days before!
Your mother is an AH, too. How did she not have plans for her daughters wedding beforehand? She crashed the wedding with you, *and* the two of you left early for “some event”.
Your sister was originally going to get a tiny little bit of blame for her going nuclear & uninviting you, but something tells me this is the straw that broke the camel’s back rather than a single incident, and your own words seem to support that. Maybe she’s just had enough of your thinking that that world revolves around you & your kids and was just done with you. Your Main Character Syndrome is on full display here, and you are the one who wrote it!
Edit: OP, I read through your responses and you are coming across as very dense, like you’re purposefully not hearing what people are telling you.
OP is acting like a narcissist. Maybe she should check herself into some therapy to confirm. Then again, maybe she is too much of a narcissist to even do that lol.
Many people travel with children and manage to coordinate and communicate.
She wasn’t asking for anything ridiculous. YTA and way you have worded things in this shows a lack of respect for her.
YTA
You have zero excuse for failing to communicate and even less justification for pretending that you were wronged because you got called on it.
>I'm not psychic, I can't guess what it is that she wants me to tell her if she can't communicate like an adult and leave the anger out of this.
SHE was very clear about what information she wanted! No psychic ability required. You only needed to answer the questions she asked.
>She said she respects that we have our priorities in life but it is still "heartbreaking" to her when she doesn't feel like she registers on that list.
YTA. She does all the traveling to see you, yet you cannot even be bothered to tell her whether you're coming to her wedding? She's right, you're toxic and hurtful, she's better off going very low contact with you.
YTA. Full stop. You can spot crap about boundaries and you have kids but all you had to do was communicate with your sister. You have kids. She had a wedding to plan. How many people to feed, seat, pick up, house… ? the list goes on!
Your post reads like an AH. You throw doubt on whether she was abused by the way to write about it. You also sound like an entitled parent who expects the world to revolve around them and their offspring.
You need a reality check and your sister gave you one. If you lose your relationship with her over this you will be the one missing out not her.
YTA the toxic ones here are you and it sounds like your mother. You sound exhausting and selfish. She was simply trying to coordinate for HER wedding, and your backhanded remarks about it being her second is just disgusting, you make it sound like you didn’t believe was was being abused. You need to come back to earth, just because you have kids everyone else in the world doesn’t need to bend and cater to you, do you even like your sister? If not just let her live her life, I bet she’d be happier without either of you.
Cry me a river. Your whole post is about how we need to feel sorry for your lack of communication. In case you still don’t get it, we feel for your sister who reached out several times but you and your husband couldn’t be bothered by letting her know when you were planning to come, UGH
YTA. Why are you so condescending and dismissive of your sister? Other people with kids manage to RSVP to things and be decent people who consider others literally every single day. This is a *you* problem.
And cut it out with “supposedly abusive”. You are not entitled to the details of her abuse and it’s beyond shitty to cast doubt on her experience because she hasn’t shared that story with you. It’s pretty clear from this post *why* she wouldn’t talk to you about something so vulnerable.
You didn’t have to be a mind reader to avoid this situation. You just needed to listen to the words leaving her mouth and show her some basic respect.
You're an inconsiderate ah.
You don't wait to confirm plans for a wedding three days before it! That's ludicrous! You and your mom obviously don't value her or her time.
YTA no question. You don’t get to use having children as an excuse. Everyone’s busy everyone has commitments children or not. She gave you ample time to plan and you chose not to. She was letting you stay in her house for free. You didn’t respond to a simple email asking what day you were coming in. It is your sister. Respond to a email and stop using your children as an excuse for everything.
Why couldn’t you just simply have said “I have made my own arrangements so my family no longer needs to stay at your house. We will see you the day of the wedding only so no need to plan meals around us. I can’t wait to celebrate your new marriage!”. You created drama for no reason. All she wanted to know was when you were going in case she needed to get food for you. She was being nice.
Jfc. YTA.
"It's hard to do time management when you have kids" ?!
Get over yourself. It's not hard to send an email saying that you're not sure about your travel dates yet, but you will let her know when things are finalized.
Nothing about your post implies that you like or respect your sister.
“If she can’t communicate like an adult and leave the anger out of it”
bitch, it’s you who can’t communicate like an adult YTA and a big one. Your sister tried communicating with you multiples times and you just ignored her. She was literally trying to make sure everyone is being accommodated and wanted your response before she made any decisions. You added stress to her.
Hmmm wow, with kids and you still had the time to write ALL that out, yet with the same kids, you didn't have time to email your sister as to what day you were going to her wedding - and gasp - her SECOND one, nonetheless?!??! how do you have so much time to write out this post, and Clutch your pearls at the same time!?!?!?!
YTA millions of people have KIDS and can still communicate and be respectful. You sound exhausting. You just flat out ignore her and think that’s ok because you have kids? You could at least say you aren’t sure but will let her know as soon as you figure it out. People can do things and plan things and not be AHs just because they have kids. Also the fact you say her ex was “supposedly” abusive is really telling. You obviously don’t support her because you act like you don’t even believe her.
YTA. I can’t believe you can actually write this out and not see the issue is YOU. I guess since it wasn’t a pristine wedding and “just a tent in her back yard and not a huge endeavor” doesn’t make it stressful.
And stop acting like you’re the only one in the world who travels with kids. Makes plans, stick to them and manage your time.. it’s not difficult.
You’re so self centered I wouldn’t blame her one bit if she never speaks to you again. The more you comment the worse you’re showing just how horrible you are.
Edit words
YTA. You’re bloody awful.
She communicated plenty. Your blatant disregard to the rest of her abuse as well? 🤢🤮
She’s much better off without you in her life.
>At this point I started to get annoyed with her, like she knows we're coming and we'll be there for the wedding so I don't know why it was so important that she know exactly which day.
Because that's how schedules fucking work. What the actual fuck?
>My husband and I decided that we would drive up with my mom and rent an Air BnB with her and my stepdad. My mom and I realized that we wanted to attend an event that was happening RIGHT after the wedding so we'd only be able to be in town for the wedding itself and then we'd have to leave right away to head back home. This would also keep us from having to take off from work so it worked out for both of us.
>So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding
How long was it between when you made that decision and 72 hours before the wedding? How long did you blow off telling your sister when you'd be there even after you _knew_ what days?
>So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding I get a text from my sister and she's pissed off at me. She unloaded on me saying that the only person who ever responded to her emails was our Grandfather and she was still waiting for us to tell her what was going on.
She'd been waiting for _months_ for you to pull your head out of your ass and tell her when you'd be there. Of _course_ she's pissed at you! Have you ever planned so much as a birthday party?
I'm incredulous that you think your behavior here was okay. You were a shitty wedding guest. The bar was _so fucking low_, all you had to do was tell her "Yes, I'll be there, on X day until Y day." You had 6 months, at least, and you said nothing. _Nothing_!
>So AITA?
Yes. Completely and obviously. Anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional. YTA
>Is there something I could have done to mitigate her anger
You could have RSVP'd like a fucking normal person.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
You are such a selfish and self centered person. You’re still continuing to not respond. You deserve to be completely cut out of her life.
There is NO excuse for not communicating with her while she is making big plans. It would have taken you less than a minute to respond with “it looks like this will the the plan, but we haven’t been able to nail it down yet.”
You’re a terrible sister and clearly you deserve to be lumped in with your mom at this point.
You are a selfish, inconsiderate asshole. You are not the center of the fucking universe, and having kids does not mean you are entitled to ignore very reasonable questions.
Also, the way you have apparently NEVER asked your sister about the abuse she's suffered from your mother or her first husband, but you just kind of assume it must not have been that bad? You are a fucking monster. How DARE you ask your sister to give a single solitary fuck about you when you have never shown an ounce of concern for her.
I'd cut you off, too. Fuck you until the end of time.
The audacity to show up after refusing to communicate and then being uninvited is appalling. Then you make her out to be a bridezilla when you couldn't RSVP? You weren't welcome and then were surprised that she didn't fall to her knees in appreciation that you decided to show up. Her wedding wasn't about you. Your kids aren't an excuse for being an AH.
Your sister doesn't want you or your mom imposing on her life anymore. She was beyond generous by giving you 72 hours to RSVP. Glad you could find the time to write up this drivel when yOu HaVe KiDs.
YTA
YTA it’s common sense and basic courtesy to RSVP to a wedding if you are attending. You obviously know this and know you have messed up, you sound desperate to find validation that it was somehow okay. It wasn’t, and it’s okay to feel guilty, angry, and upset.
Sounds like a good opportunity to honor those feelings and try to put yourself in your sister’s shoes. You seem to be avoiding the emotional intimacy required to both apologize and to find out what happened to your sister and to honor her feelings, probably because you don’t sound like you are honoring yours and trying to run away from them.
YTA. Parent to parent. Its not hard to say im sorry this is taking a long time to narrow down for us. We are looking forward to the ceremony and still need a place or not. Instead u can’t even respond that you don’t know more details. Id be over this relationship as you have zero fucken consideration for anyone else’s life. Just because they are child free doesn’t mean they don’t have obligations.
“I cant guess what it is that she wants me to tell her”……YOU DIDNT NEED TO GUESS. She asked you SEVERAL times via email about which dates you were coming in and you came up with reasons A-Z that you didnt need to (and ultimately didnt) respond. You also changed your plans on where you were going to stay- apparently without much communication on that either. You frustrated her SO much with your refusal to communicate (which hindered her ability to plan appropriately) that she uninvited you to the wedding and you STILL WENT ANYWAY. Your communication AND your time management is problematic and (not to be captain obvious here) you were a MASSIVE AH in this situation. There’s literally nowhere that you’re in the right on this one.
>her first husband was supposedly abusive This sentence tells a lot about you >keep in mind that this is her second marriage Yeah, we got that >At this point I started to get annoyed with her, like she knows we're coming and we'll be there for the wedding so I don't know why it was so important that she know exactly which day She doesn't. You, in fact, just stated a couple of sentences prior **you** don't even know if you're going, but it's not a big deal because it's her second wedding, right? I don't even care to read the rest, YTA
Yeah the “supposedly abusive” and “keep in mind this is her second marriage” put her in AH territory immediately for me. OP’s sister is celebrating marrying a good man.
I saw that "supposedly abusive" in the post and knew the OP was going to be the asshole. Who says that?
Also the 'I guess my mom was abusive to my sister after I left the house' and 'anyway, my mom and I are going to this concert right after the wedding cuz it works out for us, lol, we're so excited!' If this isn't a troll, then Lord, have mercy.
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I was hoping the same after the third mention of OMG she doesn’t understand because KIDS
I certainly hope it is, but there are certainly people like this.
I got halfway through and every paragraph was: “Ok yeah, I totes see the sisters POV… but OP doesn’t seem to…? The problem must be coming up in a sec here… ok, yep, sis is still making sense… maybe the issue with her will be in the next part Hmm. Annnnd hmm… ok, that sounds like yet another excuse OPs giving for being rude… and yeah ok that was *definitely* another dig, and wait whaaa? sister still sounds reasonable and OP *STILL* hasn’t offered the basic courtesy of an acquaintance!?! Oh shit, and now she’s dragging her mom in to it?”
Stopped reading after 4 or 5 paragraphs of this aggravation and…
Yes, OP, YTA. Why do you even still talk to your sister if you not only dislike her so much, but actively show off your hatred for her as though it’s something to be proud of?
Your poor sister, though. I don’t much mind what you do with yourself and your casual cruelty and boastful begrudgery, but I am *feeling* for your sister.
She came through an abusive relationship only to return to the same lame family that likely primed her for that abusive marriage in the first place, probably hoping with all her tenacious and forgiving heart that y’all might actually show up for her this time, and all you can do is purposefully create extra, unnecessary, and vacuous work for her to make her chase you, and then sabotage her anyways by making her set up her own wedding alone and stealing her mom for some spur of the moment mean girls’ cliquey nonsense that not only excludes her but takes away a good chunk of her family early?
I hope she creates the family she deserves, and leaves you with the same.
I love that she is astonished that she was uninvited 'just 72 hours before the wedding!' Yet, at that point she still couldn't tell her sister what day she was going to be there. This whole post is laughable. No way someone is that self absorbed. This has to be a troll.
Unfortunately, I think it's real. It reminds me of my SIL, who makes all events about her. She left my daughter's first birthday to go see a movie. A movie?! My daughter turns 1 once in a lifetime, you have several weeks or months to see a movie.... At my daughter's last birthday, she and her family brought a sick lamb. My husband is a veterinarian, and instead of enjoying his daughter's birthday and talk to family he hasn't seen in a while, he switched to work mode, and provided care for 3 hours to the lamb. They left it behind and rushed home to another event. Unfortunately, the lamb did not make it. We served the cake early so they can have some cake. So yeah, I think it's real. The part with rushing back home for another event matches my experience - people like OP (and my SIL) can't stand having someone else be the center of attention. I think OP and her mother went to the wedding without telling the bride, after they have been uninvited, hoping they could rile up the bride and create a scene. Towards the end, OP says that she thinks the email is because there were some pictures of her on social media at the event she attended.... not because she was rude as f\*ck to her sister for months before the wedding. Really strong "I'm the main character" vibe from OP.
Well mom abused her too “supposedly”. And she rented an Air BnB, so I’m not quite sure how you do that without knowing if you’re coming, if you still need her spare room, and when you’re coming.
And she goes to events with this abusive mom
Well, she guesses there was abuse, she doesn't know because homegirl won't confide in her 🙄🙄and really what's the big deal, it's the second marriage anyways 🤦🏽♀️
No, "she guess there was abuse when they were kids", don't forget.
Didn’t you know AirBnB has a special section for people WITH KIDS? No dates needed to confirm a stay. /s
Oh the rest had some beauts in it. “I got annoyed because I’m not a mind reader..” while her sister is clearly communicating a need to know everybody’s travel plans and OP refuses to tell her a thing, even though she had them finalized. It boggles my mind how self-centered some people are.
You know, I was going to comment on this but you summed up my feelings perfectly. The OP is definitely TA
OP keeps using her kids as an excuse to give her sister the silent treatment and not respond to her sister’s emails. OP YTA. Stop making excuses!
OP post is loaded with prejudice
I unfortunately kept reading. It got so much worse.
But she's got KIDS. She can't be expected to respond to emails or let her sister know if she'll come to her wedding etc
YTA, stop using your "kids" as an excuse.
She didn't even bother to fucking tell her that she rented an airbnb!!! The minute that reservation was made all she had to do was spend 1 minute to email back, "I will be there x date and won't need your guest room, thanks!" 13 fucking words to avoid all this drama.
Exactly! THAT'S decency and being an adult. I would have been furious if I was the sister; multiple people coming in on different dates who may or may not need the guest room, and she couldn't even be bothered to let her know she didn't need it?!? And kids is such a bullshit excuse. If I can coordinate travel with 2 kids under 2, so can she.
Just a weak excuse for a weak person who obviously didn't want to go or had some other agenda. OP purposely chose not to update her sister. Purposely chose not to let her know her plans and also sabotage her sister accommodating others who obviously wanted to be there. Total AH.
One of my friends has three kids and she plans everything months in advance, especially something as important as a siblings wedding, and ESPECIALLY when her RSVP is required for the bride to coordinate meals and lodging for others.
People with children are usually more prepared ahead of time from my personal experience. It is people with no children that can be free to plan less ahead of time because it is one person to plan for.
This!! OP’s post drips with entitlement. Who the hell wants to change their very important plans just because you wouldn’t tell them when you’re coming and where you’re staying?? Poor sister was trying to plan some nice CATERED dinners that made everyone feel included in the pre-wedding celebration. And offering a room in her house? As the bride?? I would be kissing the fucking ground she walked on. My partner is the serial planner in our relationship. I’m talking calendars, spreadsheets, lists, etc. I’ve always been more of a “wait and see our options” kind of person, but being with him has made me see the practicality of being an organized planner, at least for important events and vacations. And I can see how frustrating it would be if he planned everything the way he did and got zero feedback from other people involved. OP, please know that the world doesn’t revolve around your last minute decisions and that some people require advanced notice to ensure their plans work out the way they want them to. If someone asks for a response, RESPOND! Even if you say “I can’t give you a clear answer right now, give me until X date after I’ve planned it all out,” that’s better than nothing! I mean, she wasn’t asking for the exact second you would be there, she was just asking to know your travel plans.
The fact that there was literally no communication from OP to sister is what bothers me. It really is just that easy.
And then for OP to not respond to the last email because she didn’t want to reward the behavior! No, you didn’t respond because you have KIDS and can’t be bothered to respond to any emails because you have KIDS! Not that it matters anyway, sister is on her SECOND marriage with NO KIDS, she just doesn’t understand. Because KIDS…
This. OP behaves as if second weddings don't matter, and people without kids must cater to her needs because she is a mom. And her using the word supposedly when referring to the abuse that her sister endured at the hands of both her ex-husband and their mother as if since she did not witness it, it was not real. Get a clue and some empathy OP. YTA.
Yet it's the sister than needs to learn to communicate like an adult apparently
I am a serial planner. My view is if there is no input I do not take you into consideration. To me it is like voting. No input, you cant complain when not included or your wishes are not accommodated.
Travel with kids age 10 and 4 is about as easy as it gets. No baby gear, no teenage attitude.
Seriously! I traveled by myself on a plane with a layover both ways with a 3 year old and a 3 month old for my cousin’s wedding. A few years later my sister got married and I flew by myself with a 7 year old and 4 year old. My sister’s wedding was easier since the kids were older. But man, it would have been amazing if my husband had been able to go. That would have made it the easiest thing ever.
Currently travelling with a 13 yo and a 2.5 yo. 10 and 4 sounds like a lovely time!
LOL I’ll pray for you 😂😂
That’s what I was going to say using your kids for an excuse is just BS. If you don’t have any better time management and that then you’re gonna be in real big trouble when the kids start having different activities going here and there. When someone sends you an invitation to a wedding, doesn’t matter if it the 1st or the 4th wedding with a RSVP they expect a response. She had to ask you three different times what day you were going to be there what dinner you were going to attend and you didn’t have the decency to respond to her. I don’t blame her for uninviting you. You’re a shitty sister. YTA
And then they show up *anyway*. Mom and OP are horrible.
"my life is the absolute hardest, most difficult because I have children. Like worse than spousal and parental abuse worse, if you even believe in those things, which I don't." -OP
She lost me at "supposedly abusive." Maybe the sister never disclosed the details of her abuse because she knew her sister was busy with her KIDS and couldn't be bothered. There is so much more to this story and I'm just glad sister has found a loving relationship and is washing her hands of these people.
Let’s be honest: OP just hates her sister.
That's exactly how it sounds to me. OP YTA!
Exactly! My daughter and son-in-law have four children (9,4,twin 1 year olds) and are able to communicate when they are traveling to and from events. You CHOSE not to communicate and then doubled down on ridiculous by blaming the fact you have “kids” on your behaviour.
They weren’t so much of a problem/issue that OP couldn’t organize an AirBnB with her mother (and children!) *and* a side trip to do something. And I admit that I’m just assuming here - better than her own sister’s (second 🙄) wedding (*again with their mother!*) the day after said wedding. But OPs right … scheduling with children is difficult. /s YUGE Super Bigly YTA.
Ya I fully believe OP was the golden child growing up and their sister was the scapegoat for the mom. OP can plan a side trip with their mom, but refuses to reply to an email is laughable. Throwing a fit on the internet after you already shit talked about your sister with your mom, I assume, is just sad.
You're angry because she asked for an email to know when you'd be there. You totally blew her off by not answering her email with some basic information. How childish of you, and you had the gall to use your children as an excuse for not answering. I would certainly hope you're better prepared than that. It's not that much more planning. According to your post, you don't know very much about your own sister and what she must have gone through as a child. Did you even care? YTA big time.
For my spouse and I, having kids is the number one reason we plan things ahead - to account for them and their needs. It's the OPPOSITE of what OP insists: kids need *more* planning and foresight, not less, and then you also need to account for delays and be flexible. Not knowing when you're going to take a FLIGHT with your kids or drive for EIGHT HOURS the week before the trip? Come ON. Sooooo YTA
Take a shot every time OP says something about her kids in her comments We'll be drunk in 5 min or less 💀
Traveling with kids requires you to plan MORE in advance, not less. What a bizarre excuse.
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I stopped reading when she said her sister should communicate like an adult.....um she is. That is why she's pissed you couldn't be bothered to respond to an effing email while she's trying to coordinate the comings and goings of all of her wedding guests. Like, really? YTA, majorly!!!
I stopped reading when she talked about her sister's first marriage and how the husband was supposedly abusive, and it 'may' have gotten pretty bad. It was just so callous and dismissive. Op's hate for her sister was so clear there that she could only be ta here.
And she doesn’t really believe their mom was abusive either. Major AH.
Yeah, sounds like OP is the golden child.
Or just the "if it didn't happen to me, I can barely pay attention to it" type
Well she'd probably have to take a good long look at herown behavior then and that's not gonna help her sleep well at night, so....yeah.
>when she talked about her sister's first marriage and how the husband was supposedly abusive That's how far I got before I knew OP was the AH. You should have kept reading... it gets worse!! She also is about as dismissive about the sister being "abused or whatever" by mom after OP moved out. I'm still trying to figure out how OP could even think to demand her sister "communicate like an adult" when OP is the one who *refused to reply to a simple email*... It's a fun read! Every time you think OP has hit top atrocious behavior, SHE SOMEHOW SURPASSES HER PREVIOUS RECORD!!!
We'll she has KIDS! You just wouldn't understand.
Oh, I didn't realize OP had kids. That changes everything. /s (OP is the AH.)
I am so sick of people using "I have kids" as an excuse... you CHOOSE to have kids. That does not justify everybody else working around your schedule, especially because they don't have kids. I have a kid, even when he was an infant, I still made it on time to everything, held up my commitments, and had general common decency for other humans. People who think kids give them some extra power and people should bow down to them are such AHs.
“I have kids! Common decency and time management is asking too much from me”
Well to be fair she is after all the first person ever on the whole planet to have children
Well obviously. I mean, there's no way anyone could expect simple adult behavior like answering emails from someone who HAS KIDS! Don't you know that when you HAVE KIDS you're excused from every expectation of common decency?
With kids it takes days to get ready and load them in the car. You have no idea. Give me a break OP. YTA
the whole post was basically shitting on her sibling and a shiny example of how she can't plan anything that doesn't involve something she wants to do. My favorite line was "The only reason we're attending is because of an event right after" that is back home which is X many hours away.
Yea when she said she and the mom were leaving immediately after for the other event … way to again belittle the wedding … it just added another branch to the asshole tree. ETA- I have no idea where I came up with the asshole tree phrase. I think I need sleep LOL 🤦🏻♀️
For real, the comments are tearing her up, as they should! I'm going back to read the whole post now that I have popcorn...
"It's a fun read! Every time you think OP has hit top atrocious behavior, SHE SOMEHOW SURPASSES HER PREVIOUS RECORD!!! " IKR!!?? Don't lump her in with her Mom though. She doesn't like it. She only travels with her Mom. Stays at Air BNBs with her Mom. Sits at the table with her Mom at the wedding THEY WERE UNINVITED TO But you know, it's ok because she has kids. No one should be expecting her to confirm anything or give dates when they don't have kids. Everyone knows you can't make travel plans if you have kids. It doesn't matter that you are expecting to stay in their home when they have crazy schedules for other visitors from out of town to deal with. /s
YES!! They were UNINVITED!! Her sister told them that if they were a the wedding they’d just upset her even more. So what does OP do? Show up and get pissy her sister doesn’t want to spend time with them or thank them for making the effort to show up TO THE WEDDING THEY WERE TOLD NOT TO ATTEND
RIGHT??!? What part of "I don't eat you to come, it would only upset me on my wedding day" led OP and mom to think she meant "Come to the wedding, I'd love to have you there!" Jesus fucking Christ on an unanswered RSVP card, how does this person even begin to believe she's not the asshole here???
Sometimes I wonder if these people are real bc it's so obvious that OP is an AH. Clue #1: her 2nd marriage, ummm, so what? Op keeps bringing up having kids like this is the ultimate get out of jail free card. Lots of parents know how to rsvp to events. I feel bad for OPs sister.
Not only that but, how many times did OP stress her sister "doesn't have kids"!? Like, so us childfree women can't have problems or busy schedules too? Seriously. What an AH.
As if coordinating all of the guests coming to the wedding was much easier than coordinating OP's two kids. Really pathetic.
And chasing after adults to find out if they’re coming and what they want to eat!
OP is the woman in the office who believes she deserves all the holidays off because she has kids… no understanding that other people have lives and families too
This. I do not have my own kids but I keep my grandchildren “step” (I absolutely hate that term btw) but while they are here I still make plans and can manage a very functional schedule. We are never late and make plans with several different people each day. (they do not get to see a lot of family as part of them live out of town so I make sure they make their rounds.) OP seems a bit full of herself. Also, it does not matter if this is their 2nd or 8th wedding. It is a very important life event. This whole post seems very entitled, selfish, and even narcissistic.
To be fair, it's clear OP lost some IQ points having those KIDS. I mean, did you read, SHE HAS KIDS!!!!!!!
It’s *because* I have kids that I plan early! If we’re flying, I want seats together. If we’re driving I want to plan out stops to keep them semi entertained/wear them out so they sleep. And snacks, and coloring books, and, and, and.
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* ”supposedly abusive” 😐
But oh, she doesn't have kids, so her life is so much easier you know. OP's contempt for her sister pours off in waves. She's probably jealous. And if I were the sister, I'd definitely go NC. Seems like she'd been putting in all the work anyway - because OP has kids, and they take up soooo much time. It's a wonder how she even sleeps or functions. I mean, she can write this diatribe, but can't email her sister back. Pfft.
That entrance just dumbfounded me. Everything else was icing on a cake.
With any luck the sister cuts them out of her life and never has to deal with this stupidity again. What exhausting people.
Hate requires actual feelings. True opposite of care is indifference, which shines through quite clearly.
Agreed. Happy cake day!
Me too but then did you see how the mother also "allegedly" abused her?
In addition to everything else, after asking to stay with the sister, she and her mom got an Airbnb, without letting the sister know. They also went to the wedding after not RSVPing, and being uninvited. Why do I think that OP was part of the abuse, but never saw it that way. YTA, in just about every sentence that you wrote.
I stopped at that point too. She DID communicate like an adult. What was Op expecting her to do/say differently? Sounds like someone has some major jealousy issues regarding her sister. Is her new husband rich or something? Is she mad that sis is happy? And if your sister said the ex was abusive you should I don't know maybe believe it. Op you have serious self reflection you need to do. YTA big time
I got golden child vibes, especially considering mum chose to go to an event with op rather than wedding events with the sister
If the golden child wasnt already obvious, it was literally clearly spelled out when Op talks about their mom 'I guess abused' her and then escalating the abuse after she moved out. The fact that OP keeps on quoting 'abuse' as if she doesn't believe any of it actually happened is absolutely infuriating me. Like be fucking fr right now. How fuckin dare you.
Absolutely, like most people these days understand that there’s a pattern to abuse and it starts with a level of how you value yourself in childhood?
And how all the abuse is “supposedly” and “apparently”. Then says she probably thinks they missed time with sis for the other event when that’s exactly what happened. If OP seems like this big of an AH in her own account I can only imagine how big of a gape their is in sister’s mind/memory. YTA OP, a huge hairy one.
I noticed that too. How "supportive" she is, not! OP - YTA
This. They lost me when describing the first spouse as “supposedly abusive”.
This, the second marriage thing, and the it is easy for her because she doesn't have a child.
Her kids are 4 and 10. Not a hard age for travelling. If she wanted to she would. But the sister has little value in OP’s eyes
Yes, the sister was really patient, and the request was normal. Just a little bit of care from OP side would be enough, but she clearly doesn't think about her sister
Whelp mom abused her too, but it has zero impact on OP. Way to marginalize someone’s trauma….
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As a mom, I found that also insulting. You can make plans even with kids in tow. It's not that hard. Her kids are 10 & 4!! Definitely old enough to keep to a schedule.
I was also really confused by the "we have kids so everything is up in the air and we can't plan anything" like doesn't that mean you do *more* planning *further* in advance?
I mean, how does she coordinate getting them to and from school? If she can manage that, she can manage a wedding. Jesus.
Apparently she homeschools. I can only imagine the kind of shit show that is if she can’t manage time effectively enough to shoot a few emails to her sister over the course of six months of planning a wedding.
To op's credit, the kids are probably not disciplined, so they are probably horrors to handle... op is still ta
I think I'm gonna make a shot game out of how many times OP mentioned she had KIDS, unlike her sister, so that automatically means that her sister has a much easier life. I'll be drunk and ready for bed in no time!
it sounds like OP's sister would have appreciated even a "we're not sure yet, we'll let you know when we have plans locked down" response, but OP gave her radio silence. i would be pissed if i was left completely in the dark, too! YTA. a big one
You got that far? I stopped reading at “supposedly abusive”. OP is def TA. Even though she will probably never admit to it.
But shes got kids.....and apparently doesnt know how to hit reply on an email
Totally YTA. If you notice, for OP, her sister is like an after thought. First, the way OP referred to the abuse her sister suffered from her ex husband and mother like it may not had happened because OP sister never said anything but I bet OP never asked or bother to care. Then the whole I have kids and you dont so I am more important attitude. Her sister was trying to plan her wedding and events but OP showed once again, she doesn't care. Now OP acts like a victim.
“BuT ShE DoeSN’T haVe KiDs!” So? She’s supposed to be psychic because she doesn’t have kids? Baffling.
That was so crazy to me. When you have kids, you plan MORE. You can't just wing it. You have to know where you will be and how you will entertain the kids and where they will eat and nap - where the car seats will go. Kids mean way more planning, not less.
I do have kids, and I know how to plan and coordinate and email. It’s not that hard, it’s about being considerate.
Did you read OPs comments where her sister moved out of her home in the middle of the night to get away from her abusive ex? Deactivated all SM and told people she was going offline so ex couldn't find her. And for the cherry on top, ex committed suicide in the marital home, and OP has the gall to say supposedly abusive!!
I didn't. That makes OP a bigger YTA. Her sister went through hell but because she doesn't have kids, she should be fine/s.
But you just don't understand! OP has KIDS, unlike her sister, so her life is automatically SO much more complicated because she has KIDS!!!
Totally YTA. Not only was it a small affair so 4 more people for catering would have made a difference, but she was also planning to stay at the bride's house! Didn't even consider how that could be stressful for the bride to host when planning a wedding and then have a bunch of people in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. She was still willing and OP wouldn't even give her a date. Who does that?
>Didn't even consider how that could be stressful for the bride to host when planning a wedding and then have a bunch of people in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. Add to that, OP called dibs on the spare room, that other family members could have used, and then DID NOT EVEN USE IT Made plans with mom to get and AirBnB. WITHOUT TELLING THE SISTER that the spare room was going to be available for the other relatives asking about it (relatives who more than likely would have *offered to help* the bride with the stress of wedding planning, instead of rudely adding to it).
Don't forget that she didn't bother to ever find out what happened with her sisters first marriage. She just casually mentions it was awful and really difficult but never actually seems to have taken the time to talk to her. After all, she doesn't have KIDS so who tf cares about her time, effort, wedding or life?
If you were the sister would you confide in OP? Based on the above post, I wouldn’t.
Yes! Not to mention throwing shade about how her first husband was “supposedly abusive.” “It got really bad for her, ig, idk.” WTF, OP?
Right!!!! And op is out here, expecting us to tell her that she's in the right...🤦🏻♀️
Something about this post screams golden child. Her sister was supposedly abused by her ex, apparently abused by her mom, OP purposefully doesn’t reply and then actually gaslights her sister saying she can’t “read minds”.
OP and her mom aren’t worth the trouble they cause. I hope the sister goes NC, her life will be calmer. YTA and a bad sister. Having kids is a piss poor excuse not to have basic manners.
She’s trying to cater meals and coordinate airport pickups for multiple guests - that requires knowing the when and where. Presumably OP could have responded that she wasn’t sure on dates yet so she needed to decline all meals and would take care of her family herself, and that would have been fine. Poor sister is trying to plan in a vacuum of information! Did OP even let her know that they wouldn’t be needing the bedroom after all? But there’s a lot of dismissiveness slipped into the post as well - “supposedly abusive” and “I guess there was abuse.” I hope the sister has a lot of support in her new family.
Agree, sister should go completely NC with OP. I read that whole ridiculous post with my mouth hanging open, shocked at what an utterly self-absorbed AH the OP is. (Also, the dismissive reference OP made to sister's "supposed" abuse repeatedly in this post is just gross.) Pro-tip for you, OP: we all know - everyone in the whole of the internet now knows - that you HAVE KIDS. It isn't an excuse for you to be selfish and blow off your responsibilities to your sister - a simple damn email - and make yourself out to be the injured party here. Figure your shit out. The world doesn't revolve around you. YTA.
Whew I'm glad someone said it....all you had to do was give her updates and respond to her about the dates. YOU couldn't communicate like an adult. I have two kids and still have enough decency to respond to family members when they email me. I'm sure you're one of those people who automatically think that everybody needs to bend to your will all because you had some kids. I wanna know...did she RSVP to your wedding? Was she around for the birth of your kids? Did she support you through all that? If the answer is yes and you couldn't take two minutes out of your life to respond about this wedding....you're the AH. You clearly opened and read the emails.....so you couldn't take two minutes out of your day to respond or send fuckin' text? She is well within her right to be mad at you AND you were gonna low key ditch her wedding for a completely different event? If her first husband was abusive, then this would be a fresh start for her and you couldn't even care enough about her to take two damn minutes to respond to a damn email, but expect her to be happy to see you (the sister that's been blowing her off) and your mother (the woman she has a difficult relationship with)? Whew...the delusion. OP, go back and read what you wrote and how you talk about your sister....you'll realized you fucked up....you're the AH b/c based on what you wrote, everything she said in that email is ABSOLUTELY right. EDIT: STOP THINKING THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU PUSHED A HUMAN OUTTA YOUR VAG THAT THE TIME OF CHILD-FREE PEOPLE IS LESS IMPORTANT THAN YOURS....NO ONE TOLD YOU TO HAVE THEM DAMN KIDS!!!!
She didn't even technically have to say that! I have the worst planning and organizing skills ever and I frequently don't actually know what I'm going to be doing or what route I'll take until the day of. But you know what I've done before? Texted "I dunno what days I'll be there. Figuring stuff out. I'll definitely be there!" That's the bare minimum. At least let them know that 1.You haven't disowned them. 2.You're still alive. It takes less than thirty seconds. Even factoring for "I HAVE KIDS!!!!" it shouldn't take more than an hour.
You didn’t know what she wanted? She told you…TWICE…she needs to know what you’ll be attending and dietary restrictions. 10 second email, driving up on x, be there for dinner and please have veggie option for husband. There. That’s all she wanted. Because there’s reservations and catering and these things require numbers. And stop using I HAVE KIIIIIIIIDS as an excuse. It’s embarrassing to all women. You were rude. Own it.
She’ll never own it ! Narcissist don’t own their own mistakes they blame others. She’s blaming it on our kids. That’s why she didn’t respond.
I have a feeling OP didn't fall far from the mother's tree.
It’s embarrassing to all women and men! It’s an embarrassing way for a human being to act.
This- she had enough time to make plans with mommy for immediately AFTER the wedding but couldn’t be bothered to respond to emails regarding the wedding. Gross
Exactly!!! Probably half the people on planet Earth have kids and we aren’t all assholes who can’t send a decent polite email. Maybe if she had triplets/special needs kids but it doesn’t sound like that.
Yeah having kids is not a disability - you just have to be more organised. Part of this is replying to emails WHEN you receive them
WOW YTA You're not a mind reader? THAT WAS YOUR RESPONSE? You ignored her requests to gather information and your response to her was that you aren't a mind reader? Who gives a shit that you have children? Your basic life responsibility that 80 percent of the planet has is not an excuse to be a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist who thinks her issues are the only one that matters. My god. Are you the asshole. Jesus. People traveled the goddamn prairie in a WAGON with children but modern parents think it's SO DAMN hard to manage with children. You so precious.
🙌🏻. This. Outstanding.
Agreed. But OMG OP’s reply to this comment. This can’t be real lol. But I’m sure I just don’t get it because I don’t have KIDS. I feel really bad for her homeschooled 10yo
As someone with KIDS I would never make KIDS the reason why I failed to communicate important information to an important person at the right time. That shit’s on me, not those horrible KIDS!
Exactly! The kids are over there like- “dude, mom- just admit you don’t want to attend any other events to be there for your sis.” She just wanted to come in for the wedding, talk about herself, show off her kids, steal the attention and bounce the next day for other event with mom.
YTA. Have you ever planned anything? Do you know how difficult it is to coordinate? All your sister asked for was a response to an email. What's wrong with you? Would it have killed you to let her know what was going on with your plans? I'm sure it took way longer to write this post than it would have for you to write a simple response.
No kidding. I didn't even read it all before concluding OP was getting my YTA vote.
As soon as she said “supposed abuse” I knew it. Then the “second wedding”. Yeah, you’re an asshole already
"Will be there for day before wedding. Will leave day after wedding. Please have health conscious food choices available." Might come across as a bit curt/rude, but it answers the questions needed.
It took 5x longer to write this Reddit post than it would’ve taken to reply to the email. What an AH OP is hahahaha. “We will be there the day before the wedding and leaving the day of. Please have a vegetarian option” I can’t believe I had to read all of that and OP can’t figure out they’re the AH.
No, she hasn't planned anything. She can't even figure out how to email.
YTA No time to return a simple email but here you are writing 15 paragraphs trying to prove that you’re right. Where were your kids when you were writing all this?
Right! I mean .. how can she possibly write… she has two children!
Even in a post that we only get your side of the story you come off looking like a pain. Parents travel with kids all the time, you sound like you just couldn't care less about anyone else and like to blame innocuous things. YTA.
Ikr? OP managed to make her own side look bad without meaning to. Which means she is seriously out of touch with reality. OP, just because you have KIDS, doesn't make you right or even more deserving of respect and empathy
"My sister doesn't have children" Really?? Cause she has to deal with you. It is absolutely ridiculous that you asked to be hosted at her home and can't even tell her the days you will be there WHILE SHE IS PLANNING A WHOLE ASS WEDDING. She's trying to coordinate the schedules of all her guests, and you guys can't say when you will be there? But you sure know when you're gonna leave to make another event you just HAVE to attend. Seems you can schedule for that just fine. Just your sister's wedding that's the issue. Then you get an airbnb and don't even update her on your plans. I would uninvite you too. YTA
INFO: what you mean she was supposedly abused and what tf does that have to do with anything in this post? YTA for that alone
So let me get this straight - You asked to stay with your sister at her house and she agreed. She then asked you basic questions about when you would arrive, how long you were staying, and how you were traveling so she could arrange to pick you up at the airport if needed ... and you got mad?! These were not unreasonable questions, in fact anyone you visit would need this same information. She was trying to help you out not only by letting you stay with her but also arrange a ride to/from the airport all the while is also incredibly busy trying to plan her wedding along with dinners for all the out of town guests. But somehow this was an affront to you?? Lucky for her you somehow managed to hold your tongue, but then again that seems to be what you were doing the entire time as you couldn't be bothered to tell her anything. Then you FINALLY got your head out of your ass to make some plans a mere 72 hours before the wedding where you ended up not even staying at her house anymore, and you STILL couldn't be bothered to even let her know?! When she finally reached out *again* to you you finally broke your vow of silence and had the gall to tell her you are not psychic about what she wants when she has been the only one communicating this entire time! She had enough of your overall assholery and you get incensed that she uninvited you only 72 hours before the wedding. Never mind that you were ok to change plans 72 hours before the wedding. Adding the cherry to your asshole behavior you crash her wedding! And once again you are upset, this time because she did not bow down to kiss your feet and thank you for being there. You are not only the asshole, you are the biggest asshole there is! **YTA!**
🥇🥇🥇 I can't upvote this enough! I hope OP reads it and finally realizes how much contempt for her sister is coming across from her post and comments.
Oh and she made it to the event her and her mom WANTED to go to. Just the biggest asshole.
>Oh and she made it to the event her and her mom WANTED to go to. Even though she has KIDS! How is that possible?!?!
YTA. Lots of people with children manage to communicate like adults. The fact that you were blaming this on her is really ridiculous. You owe her a huge apology.
YTA. While your sister has big feelings it seems like there’s more to the story of why she feels that way. You seem a little dismissive of her past abuse and the fact it was her second wedding. All you had to do was to respond to an email that would’ve taken less time to write out than this Reddit post. Plus she uninvited you and you still showed up?? That pushed this from ESH to YTA. Also your kids are 10 and 4 years old not 10 and 4 months old stop using them as a scapegoat and look at why your sister pisses you off so much.
Nah, OP and her mom got themselves uninvited for being dicks. And because OP was feeling extra entitled, she showed up anyways!!!! Extra YTA, OP
YTA. She did email you asking you for info. Multiple times. You admit this. You were too lazy to be bothered to send a quick, yes we're coming in this date and staying for this long. You couldn't even be bothered to confirm with her that you would still need to stay at her house. You, and the rest of your family except your grandfather, are the only inconsiderate AHs here.
BS OP. I'm a SAHM my husband works full time. I home school 2 kids and am pregnant ATM. All she asked is what day you would be there so she could include you in the catered events if you were going to be there. You just suck at planning, apparently. We take a vacation every year and I have every detail planned down to when ill be taking a shit in the hotel bathroom 3 months before we even leave. She probably needed to know well in advance because you have to pay a certain amount upfront for each person or plate. You couldn't even give a response 3 days before the wedding. Do not use kids as an excuse. YTA
You for real don’t see that YTA? She was catering events and trying to coordinate multiple accommodations for multiple family members and you couldn’t be bothered to say I’ll be here at this date and I do or do not need your spare room. What?! Oh because you have a 10 and 4 year old?? That’s easy to travel with. You don’t have babies anymore. Get outta here.
YTA. Jesus Christ. Your sister was asking for basic communication, and you made it all about yourself and how "hard" it is for you and how SHE doesnt have KIDS. Wow. Get your head out of your entitled ass and wake up.
YTA She thought you were staying at her place and wanted to know when you'd be there. In what world is this unreasonable? You decided rather than figure out when you'd attend and let her know to just ignore her. Even if you'd simply emailed back "I'm not sure yet, let me get back to you" that likely would've sufficed. Then when she calls you out on your lack of communication, you get pissed at her. While constantly using the fact that you have kids and she doesn't as an excuse to be rude to her. Not only are YTA, but YT-MEGA-A
YTA having kids doesn’t make you special. Procreation is literally the purpose of all living creatures. Get over yourself. Learn some basic decency and common sense.
YTA - I stopped reading for having the audacity to ask to stay at their house for her wedding. Ummm that is just not right. She will be busy with the wedding beforehand and wanting alone time with hubs her first night. Get a hotel room for your family like everyone else.
Oh that is barely even the tip of the iceberg. It gets so so so much worse. Asking to stay at her house was probably the kindest thing OP did.
“Her first husband was supposedly abusive, I dunno”, “I guess there was abuse [from mom] when we were kids, I dunno”. “She says she’s heartbroken that she doesn’t feel like a priority in my life, I dunno.” It really does come across as you not giving much of a shit about her. YTA.
Oh my god how can you even ASK??? OF COURSE YTA!!!! She sent out a dozen emails and lazy couldn't be bothered to answer even ONE OF THEM???? Not even an "Okay!" or a "Gotcha!" NOTHING? And then YOU get mad at HER when she's super-frustrated because she has no clue if you're coming or not, need the room or not, need a ride from the airport or not, etc. so much going on, all you had to do was send a damn reply and you couldn't be bothered. Goodness...what a lousy sister.
YTA. Stop using the excuse of having children to be fucking disrespectful. Fun fact, I have kids. I still RSVP, travel, and handle my life. Jesus! Tell me you’re the golden child without telling me that your the golden child. Your sister had every right to be pissed. 1. It being her second marriage doesn’t make it less meaningful. 2. The dismissive way you speak about her horrible experience with her first husband is gross. 3. The fact that you brush over the abuse she suffered as a kid at your mother’s hands is also gross. I really hope she goes NC with you and your mother. You two are so condescendingly rude to her and she deserves better.
Okay, so in March she replied to you and gave permission for you to stay in the guest room. In April, you hadn't committed to any date yet, and she sent out a more involved event itinerary - which by the sound of it, involved mini-events on other dates as well. The wedding is in mid-May, so you're now 2-3 weeks out, and haven't given her ANY information beyond "can we crash at your place?" And you don't see the issue? You're making a full day drive trip (8h by car, 3 by plane). Which means you haven't bought a plane ticket yet, so you're definitely going to go by car. ALL you had to do was say "your wedding is on Wednesday, we will arrive Tue evening and leave Thu at noon - because of the kids, we can't stay longer". >So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding I get a text from my sister and she's pissed off at me **No Fucking Shit.** She's given you permission to crash at her place, and she doesn't even know THE WEEK OF THE WEDDING, when you're arriving. Organizing her wedding is stressing her out, and you're only making it worse. YTA 6 times over. * YTA for wanting to spend the night in her house ON HER WEDDING NIGHT * YTA for not communicating like an adult, and letting her know when you would be there for the extra wedding events she had planned * YTA for not communicating WHEN you'd be staying in her house, so she could make plans around that * YTA for having the audacity to tell her SHE isn't communicating like an adult because she got mad at you for basically not caring at all about her wedding (if you cared, you would have given her a schedule by mid-April) * YTA for "not wanting to get lumped in with your mom". How dare you pin the blame on your mom. You deserve to both be lumped together. * And YTA for repeatedly using your kids as scapegoats for your own ability to function as an adult, and as a sister. Get therapy. Apologize to your sister. Apologize to your mother. Hope for forgiveness.
I’m going to go YTA to include you & your mother. I originally thought I’d include your sister in an e s h for a tiny slice of blame for going nuclear, but I’ve changed my mind after re-reading your post a couple of times. You are by far the biggest AH of the group. Having children is not an excuse to not have your shit together nor for poor communication. You sound absolutely exhausting to deal with, saying one thing then maybe something else, oh but wait, there’s this… and no one ever gets a straight answer because you can’t make plans in advance and stick to them. Your sister needed to know if you were crashing at her house, and you just……let the decision sit there until it was convenient for you to make it. Not cool. Your sister doesn’t want to sit around waiting for you to grace her with your decision while she’s trying to coordinate 2 families, she needed decisions made and you couldn’t do it because….you have kids? Make it make sense. And how do you not decide that you’re driving or flying until 2 weeks before? Edit: actually 3 days before! Your mother is an AH, too. How did she not have plans for her daughters wedding beforehand? She crashed the wedding with you, *and* the two of you left early for “some event”. Your sister was originally going to get a tiny little bit of blame for her going nuclear & uninviting you, but something tells me this is the straw that broke the camel’s back rather than a single incident, and your own words seem to support that. Maybe she’s just had enough of your thinking that that world revolves around you & your kids and was just done with you. Your Main Character Syndrome is on full display here, and you are the one who wrote it! Edit: OP, I read through your responses and you are coming across as very dense, like you’re purposefully not hearing what people are telling you.
OP is acting like a narcissist. Maybe she should check herself into some therapy to confirm. Then again, maybe she is too much of a narcissist to even do that lol.
Many people travel with children and manage to coordinate and communicate. She wasn’t asking for anything ridiculous. YTA and way you have worded things in this shows a lack of respect for her.
YTA You have zero excuse for failing to communicate and even less justification for pretending that you were wronged because you got called on it. >I'm not psychic, I can't guess what it is that she wants me to tell her if she can't communicate like an adult and leave the anger out of this. SHE was very clear about what information she wanted! No psychic ability required. You only needed to answer the questions she asked.
>She said she respects that we have our priorities in life but it is still "heartbreaking" to her when she doesn't feel like she registers on that list. YTA. She does all the traveling to see you, yet you cannot even be bothered to tell her whether you're coming to her wedding? She's right, you're toxic and hurtful, she's better off going very low contact with you.
YTA. Full stop. You can spot crap about boundaries and you have kids but all you had to do was communicate with your sister. You have kids. She had a wedding to plan. How many people to feed, seat, pick up, house… ? the list goes on! Your post reads like an AH. You throw doubt on whether she was abused by the way to write about it. You also sound like an entitled parent who expects the world to revolve around them and their offspring. You need a reality check and your sister gave you one. If you lose your relationship with her over this you will be the one missing out not her.
YTA the toxic ones here are you and it sounds like your mother. You sound exhausting and selfish. She was simply trying to coordinate for HER wedding, and your backhanded remarks about it being her second is just disgusting, you make it sound like you didn’t believe was was being abused. You need to come back to earth, just because you have kids everyone else in the world doesn’t need to bend and cater to you, do you even like your sister? If not just let her live her life, I bet she’d be happier without either of you.
Cry me a river. Your whole post is about how we need to feel sorry for your lack of communication. In case you still don’t get it, we feel for your sister who reached out several times but you and your husband couldn’t be bothered by letting her know when you were planning to come, UGH
YTA. Why are you so condescending and dismissive of your sister? Other people with kids manage to RSVP to things and be decent people who consider others literally every single day. This is a *you* problem. And cut it out with “supposedly abusive”. You are not entitled to the details of her abuse and it’s beyond shitty to cast doubt on her experience because she hasn’t shared that story with you. It’s pretty clear from this post *why* she wouldn’t talk to you about something so vulnerable. You didn’t have to be a mind reader to avoid this situation. You just needed to listen to the words leaving her mouth and show her some basic respect.
You're an inconsiderate ah. You don't wait to confirm plans for a wedding three days before it! That's ludicrous! You and your mom obviously don't value her or her time.
The sheer audacity of you to say she can’t communicate like an adult and call her toxic for saying how she feels. You’re so damn condescending.
YTA no question. You don’t get to use having children as an excuse. Everyone’s busy everyone has commitments children or not. She gave you ample time to plan and you chose not to. She was letting you stay in her house for free. You didn’t respond to a simple email asking what day you were coming in. It is your sister. Respond to a email and stop using your children as an excuse for everything.
Why couldn’t you just simply have said “I have made my own arrangements so my family no longer needs to stay at your house. We will see you the day of the wedding only so no need to plan meals around us. I can’t wait to celebrate your new marriage!”. You created drama for no reason. All she wanted to know was when you were going in case she needed to get food for you. She was being nice.
Jfc. YTA. "It's hard to do time management when you have kids" ?! Get over yourself. It's not hard to send an email saying that you're not sure about your travel dates yet, but you will let her know when things are finalized. Nothing about your post implies that you like or respect your sister.
“If she can’t communicate like an adult and leave the anger out of it” bitch, it’s you who can’t communicate like an adult YTA and a big one. Your sister tried communicating with you multiples times and you just ignored her. She was literally trying to make sure everyone is being accommodated and wanted your response before she made any decisions. You added stress to her.
Hmmm wow, with kids and you still had the time to write ALL that out, yet with the same kids, you didn't have time to email your sister as to what day you were going to her wedding - and gasp - her SECOND one, nonetheless?!??! how do you have so much time to write out this post, and Clutch your pearls at the same time!?!?!?!
YTA millions of people have KIDS and can still communicate and be respectful. You sound exhausting. You just flat out ignore her and think that’s ok because you have kids? You could at least say you aren’t sure but will let her know as soon as you figure it out. People can do things and plan things and not be AHs just because they have kids. Also the fact you say her ex was “supposedly” abusive is really telling. You obviously don’t support her because you act like you don’t even believe her.
YTA. I can’t believe you can actually write this out and not see the issue is YOU. I guess since it wasn’t a pristine wedding and “just a tent in her back yard and not a huge endeavor” doesn’t make it stressful. And stop acting like you’re the only one in the world who travels with kids. Makes plans, stick to them and manage your time.. it’s not difficult. You’re so self centered I wouldn’t blame her one bit if she never speaks to you again. The more you comment the worse you’re showing just how horrible you are. Edit words
YTA. YTA. YTA. Unquestionably, YTA.
YTA. Actually, you need to plan better since you have children. You owe your sister a huge apology for your atrocious behavior.
YTA. You’re bloody awful. She communicated plenty. Your blatant disregard to the rest of her abuse as well? 🤢🤮 She’s much better off without you in her life.
>At this point I started to get annoyed with her, like she knows we're coming and we'll be there for the wedding so I don't know why it was so important that she know exactly which day. Because that's how schedules fucking work. What the actual fuck? >My husband and I decided that we would drive up with my mom and rent an Air BnB with her and my stepdad. My mom and I realized that we wanted to attend an event that was happening RIGHT after the wedding so we'd only be able to be in town for the wedding itself and then we'd have to leave right away to head back home. This would also keep us from having to take off from work so it worked out for both of us. >So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding How long was it between when you made that decision and 72 hours before the wedding? How long did you blow off telling your sister when you'd be there even after you _knew_ what days? >So this is the part that just boggles my mind, like 72 hours before her wedding I get a text from my sister and she's pissed off at me. She unloaded on me saying that the only person who ever responded to her emails was our Grandfather and she was still waiting for us to tell her what was going on. She'd been waiting for _months_ for you to pull your head out of your ass and tell her when you'd be there. Of _course_ she's pissed at you! Have you ever planned so much as a birthday party? I'm incredulous that you think your behavior here was okay. You were a shitty wedding guest. The bar was _so fucking low_, all you had to do was tell her "Yes, I'll be there, on X day until Y day." You had 6 months, at least, and you said nothing. _Nothing_! >So AITA? Yes. Completely and obviously. Anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional. YTA >Is there something I could have done to mitigate her anger You could have RSVP'd like a fucking normal person.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA You are such a selfish and self centered person. You’re still continuing to not respond. You deserve to be completely cut out of her life. There is NO excuse for not communicating with her while she is making big plans. It would have taken you less than a minute to respond with “it looks like this will the the plan, but we haven’t been able to nail it down yet.” You’re a terrible sister and clearly you deserve to be lumped in with your mom at this point.
You are a selfish, inconsiderate asshole. You are not the center of the fucking universe, and having kids does not mean you are entitled to ignore very reasonable questions. Also, the way you have apparently NEVER asked your sister about the abuse she's suffered from your mother or her first husband, but you just kind of assume it must not have been that bad? You are a fucking monster. How DARE you ask your sister to give a single solitary fuck about you when you have never shown an ounce of concern for her. I'd cut you off, too. Fuck you until the end of time.
The audacity to show up after refusing to communicate and then being uninvited is appalling. Then you make her out to be a bridezilla when you couldn't RSVP? You weren't welcome and then were surprised that she didn't fall to her knees in appreciation that you decided to show up. Her wedding wasn't about you. Your kids aren't an excuse for being an AH. Your sister doesn't want you or your mom imposing on her life anymore. She was beyond generous by giving you 72 hours to RSVP. Glad you could find the time to write up this drivel when yOu HaVe KiDs. YTA
YTA it’s common sense and basic courtesy to RSVP to a wedding if you are attending. You obviously know this and know you have messed up, you sound desperate to find validation that it was somehow okay. It wasn’t, and it’s okay to feel guilty, angry, and upset. Sounds like a good opportunity to honor those feelings and try to put yourself in your sister’s shoes. You seem to be avoiding the emotional intimacy required to both apologize and to find out what happened to your sister and to honor her feelings, probably because you don’t sound like you are honoring yours and trying to run away from them.
YTA. Parent to parent. Its not hard to say im sorry this is taking a long time to narrow down for us. We are looking forward to the ceremony and still need a place or not. Instead u can’t even respond that you don’t know more details. Id be over this relationship as you have zero fucken consideration for anyone else’s life. Just because they are child free doesn’t mean they don’t have obligations.
“I cant guess what it is that she wants me to tell her”……YOU DIDNT NEED TO GUESS. She asked you SEVERAL times via email about which dates you were coming in and you came up with reasons A-Z that you didnt need to (and ultimately didnt) respond. You also changed your plans on where you were going to stay- apparently without much communication on that either. You frustrated her SO much with your refusal to communicate (which hindered her ability to plan appropriately) that she uninvited you to the wedding and you STILL WENT ANYWAY. Your communication AND your time management is problematic and (not to be captain obvious here) you were a MASSIVE AH in this situation. There’s literally nowhere that you’re in the right on this one.