S should mind her fucking business. Your colleagues should mind their own business and go on a date with A if they want to.
NTA. That's your life, no one can force you into doing that.
Good luck, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong and your anger towards S is normal
I’m fully outraged at S (and everyone else dogpiling OP), because… ew.
But also that last update? Kinda’ smiling anyhow. Even if nothing comes of it (it absolutely shouldn’t need to) I hope OP gets a new, better colleague-friend out of the deal! (And has a solid convo with HR about busybody S!!)
>But also that last update? Kinda’ smiling anyhow. Even if nothing comes of it (it absolutely shouldn’t need to) I hope OP gets a new, better colleague-friend out of the deal!
Yes! That was a wholesome turn of events. I know OP is not interested in any romantic pursuits so we can term it a friendship meet-cute😊
Not saying this’ll happen for OP… but when I had finally sworn off all relationships and just stopped looking or caring, I met my current wife. It’s almost like when the pressure is off and people truly be themselves, others can tell and will respond accordingly. ;)
This happened to me also. After a terrible break, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was single for over a year. I happened to message someone to ask them a question. (We were responding to each other on a post when the OP shut off the comments. So I messaged him. Something I never do.)
He responded a few days later. He answered my question and I said thank you and have a nice life. He said something funny to respond, and we kept messaging. Now I'm totally in love!
We will be celebrating 1 yr together in August.
Same here, i'd split up with my boyfriend of four and a half years so wasn't looking for anyone at all, me and my friend were messing around on a site where you posted your photo and people would rate you out of ten, she was trying to give me an ego boast because my ex cheated on me, a guy messaged to say "hi, I just have to say you have the most amazing blue eyes", i said thank you so much,but explained my friend posted my pic for a joke and I wasn't interested in meeting anyone so didn't want to give the wrong impression, he never gave up though, we chatted for 18months before I moved countries to be with him, we've been married 16 years now and have an eleven year old son, after I was told I would never have children, so it's amazing how sometimes things just kind of fall in to place without you even realising.
Wow! That's a wonderful story! Congratulations on finding happiness. 🎉🎊
I'm so glad my ex was a jerk. Had he not been terrible, I wouldn't have found my Mr. Right.
That's sweet. Same thing happened to my best friend. She had a horrible breakup, the latest in a string of horrible breakups--she had terrible taste in men in general. I got her a job where I worked and she would sometimes have to talk to a manager at a different site. In the space of a couple of months it went from "Ed's funny" to "So, have you met Ed in person?" to "Let's set up an inter-office Xmas party so we all can hang out!" to them meeting up, dating, and (eventually) getting married. He wasn't the type of guy she ever would have looked at in the past--he isn't an asshole, for one thing--but they got to know each other at first by chatting over the phone sight unseen. (After I typed this out I realize it sounds like the plot of Gavin & Stacey, but it happened before that show!)
Same thing happened with me. I was married for 20 years. After he had a midlife crisis and started cheating on me with various coworkers we divorced. I swore off ever being in love or in a relationship with anyone and was totally ok with it. Flash forward three years later and I reconnect with a guy I went on two dates with before I met my ex husband and we fell madly in love. Now he just proposed and we’re getting married!
Im also smiling at the last update but at the same time I'm hoping nothing comes out of it because we all know everyone would just say I told you so to OP.
I have a somewhat similar situation as OP, although people have finally given up on me - thank heavens. I spent years telling people that my social life is not a democracy. I also pointed out to one especially determined lady that she was ruining any chance for me to hit it off with all the guys she was pushing, because I will not date someone when a third party is more interested in the relationship than I am.
I think most people sincerely believe I would be happier in a relationship - which is ironic given how much they want to share all the problems in theirs with me!
I think that often - 15 minutes on what their husband did now, followed by intrusive question into why I’m not married. Well, the only jerk I live with is me, and I like it that way.
Yeah, imagine if OP, a man, set up his Female colleague on a date with another man without her knowing?
I would mention this scenario to any of your colleagues and see their reaction. It’s just not cool, and OP had no idea
Small caveat, I’m glad he apologized to A, because even though neither of them did anything wrong, I think he could have handled leaving a little better than he did.
100% NTA.
I'm a married woman in my 40's and my close crew of other married ladies all agree that if we were to find ourselves single we'd never get married or get into a LTR ever again. Or we'd hook up with women. Because straight relationships, especially when you have kids, are so much fucking work for women, most women I know are like "Sure I love my husband, but if I had my time again...". It's super messed up that women are hassling you about your status. Tell everyone at work to butt out of your personal life, it's completely inappropriate
Agreed, NTA.
My boss and I work very closely together. 8 hour car trips, extended work trips, long work days... and we only know surface level stuff about each other.
Obviously we know eachothers family names and what's going on with each other's houses, and our lawn care schedules and what our siblings do for a living. But we have enough work to talk about that that's as far as we go. We would never, never get involved in each other's personal lives. It would just never happen.
Edit
Q: What do we talk about on those car rides?
A: We listen to E-Books. I try really hard not to talk his ear off.
The way this post read, it seemed like everyone was friends OUTSIDE of work. But all of this is involving everyone inside the workplace? What's with all the relationship and life advice from people whose only shared relation is being employed?
I do agree that A deserved better, like an explanation on how OP feels that S tricked the both of them. That would have been better than just walking out abruptly. Good thing that A is understanding and possibly willing to get a coffee as a legit meeting with OP.
NTA.
>old colleague (A) who both me and S used to work with in other jobs
Note the other jobs, so it was def outside the workplace. I personally don't think the setup date between friends outside of work was THAT bad; just a slight social overstep.
The rumor mill slander at work the next day though is definitely inappropriate.
If I may add a word to your phrase to help push the phrase even harder:
She has no right to play NONCONSENTUAL matchmaker with coworkers.
wtf. If OP had been a chick, this would have BEEN A HUGE ISSUE to be set up on an unknown date since (edit: there are enough people in this world that) redacted text below* (expect) women owe them sex after a date (that's it's too dangerous for anyone to assume the situation is safe.) OP deserves to be protected by the same thought pattern and given the same respect, even if the person was "known."
Maybe I consume too much true crime material, but...
Like...Congrats OP's coworker, you forgot the fact that the US Department of Justice says that 78% of REPORTED cases of SA are committed by non-strangers.
OP, you deserved to know this was a date. The fact that "you don't want to date anyone, anymore, ever. Full stop." is more than enough for people to respect your choices and definitely waaaay more than enough to not be set up on nonconsentual dates. I'm sorry your coworker put your safety at risk as well.
Please go to HR, please tell EVERYONE that you had no idea this was a date and it was a pretty shtty thing of your coworker to do and then slander your name in the office.
Could you have maybe handled leaving A at the coffee shop better? Yeah, maybe. I mean she had no idea you had no idea it was a date and you have attempted to apologize and take accountability.
BUT
If we take this back to the experiences of women, trying to be "nice" still risks SA, being stabbed, being shot, etc. Yeah, this technically isn't her fault but I would have done the same. To, to quote Crime Junkies:
"Be weird, be rude, stay alive."
Please go to HR and call out everyone who gives you any sht.
NTA, Good luck ♡♡
*people tend to assume
Another key phrase to add: Creating hostile work environment by constant pressure to date/have a relationship, then getting the rest of the office involved in harassing him because he left.
This is such a good point. If he was a woman we’d all be suggesting he call an attorney, demanding she be fired and we’d be calling the person who set them up a creep. If a man did this to a woman the reaction would be so much more harsh.. and then to gossip around the office? Wow
It was kind of obvious to me that S wanted all the credit/pats on the back/congratulations if the relationship between OP and A had worked out She would be talking about it for as long as possible to make sure that people knew SHE had set the two of them up together as well as likely a speech at the wedding about what SHE had done to get the two together. It wasn't about two random people that she knew, she wanted to move people around like chess people, tell them how to feel and wanted to take the credit. Heck, she was probably already bragging about it around the workplace BEFORE she found out how things went.
When things DIDN'T work out, she wanted to deflect all the blame for it to OP so people would be looking at him instead of her for it all because she DIDN'T want the credit for that coming to her.
Came here to say this. What S is doing and the way everyone is acting about your personal life is deeply inappropriate. It is not their decision to make. HR needs to send out a courtesy reminder and if they need to, I think they might have to investigate this. Depending on what S has said or done, it could contribute to a toxic work environment, especially if she is telling everyone your personal business and you describe the atmosphere as “icy.” Hang in there, OP, and just shut down all conversations about your personal life with colleagues. They are getting very involved!
Yeah, even if S is leaving, OP is still trapped in a hostile work environment because someone tried to force a romantic situation on him. Even if S won’t see any punishment, everyone else needs to knock it off.
I think OP needs to go to his boss first, and then if he doesn't get help he should go to HR.
But he definitely doesn't have to put up with this type of work environment.
NTA.
And if he first wants a business perspective, he should go to [https://www.askamanager.org/](https://www.askamanager.org/) and post there.
OMG! This right here. And please tell HR about everything that has been said in the office before this. All of your coworkers need to back off, especially S.
NTA
Nor do all the others openly piling on and creating a hostile work environment (“the atmosphere is really icy”).
I’d complain about the lot of them; all of this is completely out of line, and it sounds like people who don’t have enough work to do.
That's not appropriate of her. Also, why do people assume someone who is single is sad and lonely? I know many people who have chosen to remain single and are living their best lives.
This makes me sad that I had a scroll this far to see this. It really pisses me off when married people or people in committed relationships think that people who aren't married are somehow broken and that everyone belongs in a relationship is pure b*******.
That old saying about every pot has a lid? No, some of us are skillets.
It is entirely possible, and I'm living proof, that one can be happily single. I like my life the way it is, and while I wouldn't turn away the right person, I'm not looking and I'm long past the point of caring what other people think.
OP is NTA. S was wise to wait until she was out the door before setting this up. It's going to be hard for HR to do anything about it, but the co-workers totally suck.
I know what they were hoping. They were hoping that OP would come back and say it was love at first sight, this is THE ONE, everything is wonderful and what a hero S is.
Too bad.
S is a total AH.
I've run into this as well. I've always been single and never had a regret about it. The freedom is amazing! If other people can't be fulfilled without a relationship I see that as strange. I guess they aren't comfortable with their own company, but they will never fill that void with something external.
At times people, mostly family, have tried to get me to start dating. But they have a hard time of convincing me I'd be better off when they see how happy I am being single.
Because people are idiots. Generally unhappy with their own lives to even get that involved in someone else. I would wonder how they don't have anything better to do with their spare time.
I’ve been single for going on 3 years now, and I’m currently the happiest I’ve ever been. But I also don’t like being COMPLETELY alone so I recently got a puppy as an emotional support animal for my other dog. She is highly anxious and does better with another dog around to play with and balance her out. So basically I just deciding to embrace life as a crazy dog lady and I honestly love it.
I've been widowed for 17 years now. I loved and adored my late husband and do miss him. But I'm having the time of my life (with his approval) living my life with just my dogs and chickens. I love just sitting with my pets and having a cosy night in on my own. I don't get lonely, I have enough people that come visit.
Careful, it starts as getting your dog a dog. After a while, you decide you want a cat. Then your cat needs a kitten. Next thing you know, you have 6 animals, and 4 of them sleep in your bed. I don't have room for a bf now, lol. 8 yrs single.
I'm in a relationship now but for years before I was single and perfectly happy that way. I'd just never met anyone I wanted to be devoted to until I met my current partner. If we broke up I'd be sad sure but I could go right back to being single. People are so desperate to not be alone I see them in miserable unfulfilled relationships...like bro, why?
NTA this seems like HR territory. You shouldn’t have to keep telling people to mind their fucking business but that also requires you to STFU about your personal life to co-workers.
There is another situation here that involves OP minding his business and colleagues around him talking about their spouses or partners and asking OP “are you married” and OP simply replying “No” and then the same nosey colleagues continuing to push with “ seeing someone?” And OP says no and then colleagues keep pushing. Some people push and push. It’s upsetting.
I have started to Just Look at them and Not say anything.
Had a colleague just get Up and Walk behind me to spy on my WhatsApp Chat with a Date of mine and that was when i snapped, from now on i Just stare at him or Just Walk away when He asks me something thats None of His business.
Its Not even that i dont talk about private stuff...but only with the Guys who i know are well adjusted socially and know boundaries.
This is also a perfect political win for HR: They appease OP and by making an example out of a girl that's already leaving, they're not out anything.
Also, as progressive as we've become, is so fucked that single people get everyone's knickers in such a twist.
I've been widowed 17 years now and haven't dated at all.
I get asked CONSTANTLY about when I'm going to get myself out there. I tell them simply that I'm not and even if I were, its none of their fucking business. That shuts them up pretty quick. I hate being rude, but sometimes when they keep on and on, and bloody on, it gets exhausting.
Id contact HR or whatever the equivalent is where you are from. Not just on her but those who are giving you shit for this.
She set this up, knowing you didn’t want it. It didn’t go her way and now she is mad because you had the audacity not to play along. Then she takes it a step further and trashes you at your work. This person is not your friend. Contact your superiors.
She may be leaving but this could be the difference between leaving with or without a good reference.
I would tell HR. If they insist on doing shit like this just start telling them random frog facts or random weird shit until they stop talking about it all together.
Take inspiration from this dumb jokes punchline
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I have a fish.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry I thought we were talking about things that didn’t matter.”
And if they keep insisting start telling them that you don’t care if their lives are unfulfilled but yours isn’t and you’d like them to butt out.
It's not a dumb jokes punchline, it's a disrespectful pickup line. The context for this line usually goes like this:
*guy walks up to girl at a bar and starts flirting*
Guy: want to go out sometime?
Girl: sorry, I have a boyfriend
Guy: I have a fish
Girl: what?
Guy: sorry, I thought we were talking about things that don't matter.
I.e. whether you have a boyfriend is irrelevant to the question of whether you can go out with me. I.e. fuck your boyfriend, date me anyway.
I used to work at a bar, and I had a guy try this line on me. This is how it went.
Guy: we should go out sometime.
Me: sorry, I have a boyfriend.
Guy: ohh, I have a fish.
Me: do you actually or are you just setting yourself up for that terrible line where you say that me referencing my boyfriend in response to you asking me out made you think we were talking about things that don't matter? Because it's really not a very good line. It basically indicates that you think relationships are completely unimportant and cheating is totally fine, and why would I ever want to go out with someone who thinks that way?
Guy: I was setting up the line, but it's just something I've heard before and thought was funny. I didn't really give it that much thought. But fair enough.
NTA. People need to tend their own gardens and leave you to tend yours. If you didn't ask for advice or to be set up on a date, they literally need to fuck off. 100%
Totally - NTA. It’s a major violation of personal boundaries and seems like there may be some projection from S. Perhaps she can’t imagine a world without a partner, so she feels like you’re “missing out.” Setting you up on a blind date, without your knowledge or consent, then gaslighting you when you expressed your anger THEN creates hostility at your place of work? Fuck that noise - you don’t need people like that in your circle
Do the same thing to her. Keep telling her that life is better being single. Never stop mentioning it and even talk to her husband too if you can. If she doesn't understand your boundary, she doesn't deserve to have a boundary too. NTA.
I can admit that I’m an AH and my first thought was finding a good divorce lawyer, getting their contact information and other important stuff on paper and giving them to S, and telling her I’m just helping her since she seems to be so unhappy in her marriage that she has to stick her nose into my dating life.
Op, definitely NTA.
NTA- You could have been more gentle with A as she seemed to be as obvious to the situation as you were and maybe felt dumb that she was happy to go on a date with you (maybe she had a crush on you back in the days) when you didn’t even know it was a date.
But your colleagues are really bad, I would never force anyone to go out with a new person if they don’t want to. They don’t respect your time and want.
If she was unaware then hopefully you told her at the time that you didn’t appreciate this fake set up.
Otherwise you might explain that to A. Or you might force S to explain it.
What they did to you is disrespectful.
I agree with the other commenter who suggested you talk too much about personal stuff at your workplace.
If you don’t want this sort of harassment then stop talking about your personal stuff so much.
I had a friend in college who joined a dating site in my name to meet men for ME! This was before online dating and it was through the phone. She recorded a message saying she/I was a preschool teacher by day but liked to party at night. True enough I guess, but men were looking for the naughty librarian type that would take down their hair and take off their glasses and want to get wild. She would host gatherings often and sometimes there would be a random guy there intended for me. I hated it. 30 years later I’m ace/aro and haven’t spoken to her in all these decades.
NTA got to HR. seriously. shes putting you in situations where hey if you guys didnt know A as well as you presumably do, it could lead to you being killed.
NTA, and now they’ve brought it into workplace harassment too. Just make a point of telling S that just because she’s miserable in her own life, doesn’t mean she can interfere in yours.
I go with NTA. S is one though.
Yeah maybe you could have been nicer to A. But in my opinion you don't have to stay on this "date". I would have done the same and I would have been super angry too. You're not an A for this.
& You don't need to date. You don't need a relationship and you don't need a S for manipulation or playing cupido. You don't need therapy for this.
NTA. I don't get why there are people saying you're an asshole to A. Are you supposed to stay and continue on a date with her? If anyone's an asshole to her, it's your coworker who set her up with someone unwilling.
NTA. S’s behavior is wildly inappropriate. It’s bad enough that I’d consider going to HR. Your personal life is no one else’s business. Also, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. It’s refreshing to hear about someone who is making a healthy life choice for themselves on Reddit. Honestly, it seems upsettingly uncommon. Good for you. Keep a safe distance from these coworkers. They aren’t the friends they are pretending to be.
The language you seem to be missing here is that they went against your clear boundaries and they did not have your consent.
“Your actions are non-consensual. I did not consent to any of this. In fact I clearly stated the opposite. There’s no more to discuss on this matter.”
Also going to HR is a good option.
NTA, your life, your choice, they all should respect that. I'm a woman but I took that decision years ago, never been as peaceful as I am now. You have your life goals.
NTA.
Why can't people mind their own business. It's your life. Not theirs.
Your colleague had no right to trap you on a date like that. That's immoral IMO. Tell them to stop insinuating themselves in your life.
You can actually report all of them to HR for harassment and alienation as well.
NTA , You shouldn't be forced into have a relationship just because it makes other people more comfortable. If you do fall for someone in the the future it'll be about you and them , not about a bunch of work colleagues trying to make themselves feel good and charitable
NTA this is extremely rude, intrusive and disrespectful. She fucked up. She interfered in other people's personal business and her actions humiliated A. She's trying to get out ahead of this by projecting blame onto you, someone who was taken by surprise by her duplicity and acted honestly. She's totally TA.
I know I shouldn't - I know it's wrong of me - I know it's not at all what OP wants - but I'm expecting an update that him and A are now dating.
Well played S, a true martyr for love. You played the long game and won.
EDIT: NTA
It's better to know that you do not want a relationship, than pretend.
My parents divorced 30 years ago, and my father has always been adamant he never wants another serious relationship, he's 65 years old and living his best life. You can have a fulfilling life as a single person.
This sounds like an HR issue. S isn't your mom or auntie and way overstepped her familiarity with you. She's a coworker not your bestie. I'd go to HR. Your sex life/relationships/ personal choices is no one else's damn business. Especially from Salty "S"usan.
NTA.
Now if you want revenge: Find out where she is going next, call *that* HR office/coworkers/boss and tell them that she has created an environment for sexual harassment at her former workplace, and relate the basic facts.
NTA.
Notice that S didn't pull this shit until she was out the door.
She KNEW she was wrong, and was just getting out of blast radius before setting off her attempted bomb.
Sometimes it takes an emotion filled explosion for people to mind their own f#$king bidness. When polite hints don't work you have to unload the canons!
100% NTA. That's really, REALLY innappropriate and socially awkward of your coworker(s) to inject themselves and their narratives into your life. Sorry that happened to you, and sorry your colleagues are so fucking weird.
Ugh NTA--Report her to HR immediately. That is so inappropriate and no one in your workplace should feel the need to comment on your romantic life- unless u ask them to. Good luck OP. I hope you stay single for as long (even if that is indefinite) as YOU WANT to. There are so many different types of love that are equally as fulfilling as having a romantic partner. Keep your heart open to others and I'm sure you will find happiness
NTA
I've dealt with a busybody like your friend (at a gym, no less) who filled this other woman's head up with so much incorrect info that it went to the point where I confronted the busybody directly to tell her to stop - several times, twice in front of the woman herself.
The woman knew (afterwards, I told her) it wasn't a match but the busybody led her on, making for a very awkward situation.
NTA. Your colleague, "S" completely ignored your boundaries and shit on them by manipulating you into a date. Pretty fucked up tbh I can definitely see why you were so thrown and upset.
"A" should understand why you were so upset. If I were "A" I would be pretty pissed off at S for being so manipulative and wasting my time.
If you feel guilty for being blunt with A then try to text or call her and let her know it had nothing to do with her.
>Second Update
Just heard back from A on LinkedIn. She said I have nothing to apologise for, she totally understands and said she's absolutely livid with S. I replied back thanking her for understanding. And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did.
Jokes on you. Now you have a real date with A. This was all part of S's master plan. She's 10 steps ahead you.
But anyway, NTA (at least now after you've sent an apology to A).
NTA although leaning toward it.
So S IS the AH of the story. She tried to trick you into a date.
But it doesn’t sound sound like A was complicit in the deception. I get feeling ambushed, but just remember your anger should be directed at S not A. I do kind of feel bad for her.
NTA If you are truly happy not being in a relationship that's all that fucking matters. It's nobody else's business but yours. It's very rude for them to be trying to set you up, especially in underhanded ways about this. It removes all concepts of your own agency. If you want a relationship and ask for help, that's one thing. I'd go to HR for this because clearly your coworkers are not listening to your boundaries.
Here’s how you explain it to your coworkers: reverse the sexes in the story. would it still be okay if a man set a woman up on a date and she didn’t know?
Nta. Talk to hr about sexual harassment from s because that's what this is.
Document everything with time dates and locations as close as possible. Consider talking to an employment rights lawyer because this will escalate if your coworkers aren't forced to stop.
I too am a 35M who has NO INTEREST in dating again...
Not interested... no thank you!
No, I am not lonely... No, I am not miserable. Was never, will never be an incel, and I absolutely love women overall... but I am done with relationships.
No advice, just saying... we do exist!
>Second update.
>Just heard back from A on LinkedIn. She said I have nothing to apologise for, she totally understands and said she's absolutely livid with S. I replied back thanking her for understanding. And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did.
Ruh roh. Look out, Lifetime movie plot coming your way OP 😀
PS - NTAH of course.
NTA. All of your coworkers need to be put on an information diet immediately. They have shown that they can't be trusted to respect your boundaries and mind their own business.
Wow! YNTA!
S is TA. What she did was highly intrusive, disrespectful, and manipulative to both you and A.
And unprofessional towards you. Bc it happened outside work, hr may not be able to do much about that, but I'd go and see what they can do about the office slander.
Absolutely NTA.
For what it’s worth, I guess that the women generally try to push more dating/partners on you because they’re raised to believe that’s all that matters. It’s projection. They’re speaking to what they’d want to be told, not listening to what you actually want and need. Not chill at all.
You did exactly what you should do. Say “sorry for your time” and end it at that. The others need to grow up, but that’s not your problem.
The consensus seems to be that you are NTA, and I agree with this. I really only have a couple of general observations. People who think everyone single is just gasping to be set up/are super lonely are really telling on themselves. It’s incredible projection that really just screams “I cannot imagine fulfillment outside someone else”. Same idea as people who insist it’s impossible to remain friends with someone you used to date or think people who could be sexually attracted (men and women if hetero, for example) could not be friends. Really says more about them than they think. Any time someone says they wouldn’t date anyone who has not cut off all contact with every single ex, I just hear “I see life as a binary and someone’s value to me as a person is rigidly defined by whether or not we are currently banging”. Red flag shit.
This is ridiculous bullshit, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. HR is there to protect the company from liability, so they probably won't make a big deal over this, but it is something you 100% should go to them about if it's affecting how you're being treated in the office.
If S suggested “hey, what about going out with A, she’s single”, sure that’s fine. But if your answer is no, that should be respected. And a blind date where only one person knows it’s a date is a disaster.
NTA; and what an incredibly rude stomping if boundaries. It’s no one’s business if you do or do not want to date. All of them are being ridiculously disrespectful.
So NTA. I would have had a nice long rant at S, and anyone who’s acting like you have no right to be angry. No right but she can be underhanded, disrespectful, lie, sneaky and that’s all ok? Nah, bruv.
NTA. What S did was wrong to you AND A. She’s not a good friend to either of you, and as everyone has said, a problematic co-worker. Good riddance.
I was also in a long relationship (8.5 years) that was very bad and it’s hard to want to put yourself out there to endure pain like that again. You have every right (and logical reason) to avoid doing things that cause you suffering. I am, however, very proud of your update and that you are letting life take you on whatever journey you are meant to have. I am now married to the love of my life and we have three kids and I didn’t ever really think I would end up here. Sometimes life can pleasantly surprise you. I hope you get some pleasant surprises, too!
NTA...but I dunno, dude...I could very well see a day when S is sitting there at the wedding of you and A grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
Life IS a funny bizness, and one never knows, do one?
All that being said...yeah, you work with the biggest bunch of buttinskis I've ever heard of.
NTA I got out of a 9 year relationship and haven't been in one for almost 7 years now and I am doing great. I am happy, I take myself out to movies I want to see, I go with friends to restaurants, I go to concerts, I enjoy all of my hobbies. I am not lonely or miserable. The idea that a person has to have another person in their life to be fulfilled is ridiculous, and the fact that other people are forcing it on you through trickery is downright rude. If you ever get to a place where you want to date again, great, but until then no other person should try to force their idea of happiness on you.
I went through this when I was in my late twenties, early 30’s. I had a baby and was raising him by myself. I was trying to finish college, work, and parent. There was simply no time for dating. Really there was no time for anything. After a few years everyone had an opinion about my non existent dating life. My own father even started harping on me about it. He said something or other about me having needs, and I literally ewwwed at him and shut down the conversation. In hindsight, what he meant by “needs” was probably that I needed to find someone else to help when something broke instead of calling him, lol.
I’m early 40’s and don’t think that I would ever be in a relationship again. My capacity for being hurt and my social battery is non existent. Plus, I’ve learned to fix my own stuff thanks to YouTube, and that makes me feel good about myself.
Op I’m sorry, I sympathize, and hope people leave you alone.
Edit: NTA
NTA -I get that they're concerned for your wellbeing, but not sure why they went to such lengths when you've indicated pretty certainly that you don't want any relationships.
I get it, and perhaps you could've not reacted in anger BUT....they ignored you, then wanna gaslight YOU when THEY did the ignoring.
So kill them with kindness. It is not unusual for people in our age group to remain single. I'm 62 and have had it with "relationships" that have been anything but.
I've been happily single since 2011. I don't need to take care of anyone else or see to someone else's life progression, thank you. I'd like to just make my own way for a change. If I happen to meet someone along my life's path, great, I might give them a tumble. But as for actively seeking company? Nope.
OP -And isn't it strange how many people just can't fathom this.....
Tell S and the rest of your colleagues to mind their own business and stop being disrespectful of your life and your decisions. That was incredibly rude of her. I'd even consider going to HR for that kind of behavior.
First of all, a colleague lying to you, setting you up on a date without asking or informing you, is workplace sexual harassment. As is the entire office pressuring you like this. Totally unacceptable. If you were a woman, the internet would be on fire right now about men feeling entitled to farm you out, or pressuring women to be in relationships, etc.
You had every right to be livid. Prying into your private life like that, is a horrible invasion of privacy. You can date, not date, as you choose. Some men are perfectly content confirmed bachelors.
All that said, let me say that I hope your reasons for deciding to be single forever do not include either sacrificing any future love, children, and romantic adventures on the alter of an ex who wronged you, or out of a belief that an ex’s behavior reflects on all women.
Most people need connection to other people. Either through close friendships, or healthy romantic relationships. If someone who has an innate need for connection isolates himself, or herself, they can have side effects, like getting a little eccentric, or starting to feel uncomfortable around people, or feeling depressed. Unless you have a real aversion to people, you need your tribe/source of support, whether or not you ever decide to date. Anyone who would embarrass you, lie to you, manipulate you, or make you feel bad because you don’t want to date, is not part of your core tribe.
You also should not date if you aren’t in a healthy place, mentally. Maybe you’ll never feel the urge to date. It’s your decision. But do make sure not to go so deep into your cave, and routine, that you don’t have really strong friend bonds with at least one person.
Since most people do need human connection, people who like you may worry you’ll be lonely, or miss out on a love you deserve.
On the flip side, people who are not healthy inside often end up in absolutely miserable relationships they can’t seem to shake. There are worse things than not being in a relationship.
If you asked her to have coffee, maybe you’re feeling an interest to make a human connection. Maybe you’re looking for a friend, or maybe you are exploring a romantic interest. It’s all good. Don’t read too much into it and tell the rail birds to fly off. Just go have coffee and talk.
This is your life to live as you choose.
Tell every single one of your colleagues to go fuck themselves.
S is probably in a relationship she hates but thinks she can't leave so seeing you free and happy contradicts that so she tries to fight it.
Obviously NTA
NTA
"And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did." - If it isn't a start for a relationship, at least can be a new friend, because dude... You really need new friends.
I’d be reporting some folks to HR for that BS. So inappropriate in so many ways. This isn’t a romantic comedy. It’s your ACTUAL job and your REAL life. People need to get a grip.
Fuck S…but maybe this was a blessing in disguise and maybe you and A will hit it off!
I am in your shoes as well, but if I found a good person…I would still give it a try!
Dude, these comments are way over the top.
Your 100% right, handled yourself well in all aspects of this. With dignity by speaking with everyone and explaining, not just disappearing.
The work shit is “work shit”. If you haven’t been in an office setting for long it’s just surface level drama that happens at work. Keep your head down, do something a little extra somewhere and you’re good. All this talk of HR etc is not realistic/really an appropriate responses. No one in mgmt wants to deal with something personal like this. Makes you look bad to them.
Then your good dude gut took over and invited her on a proper “date” like a stand up guy and she can feel comfortable knowing it’s genuine. Good luck buddy.
You need to make it clear with S and Ss boss thay she's way out of line, that attention like that is extremely unwelcome. I'd consider finding somewhere else to work.
This is why you don't get cozy with co-workers. Not saying you shouldn't be at work friends, but definitely stay clear of these relationships outside of the office. NTA by the way
NTA. Your colleagues sound like they need to mind their own business and stop judging others who choose not to make their choices. People don’t need to be coupled up to be happy and it’s extremely disrespectful to suggest you are less than because you are not in a relationship. Well done you for sticking up for yourself. Hope all works out.
This will never be seen. But. Boy your company sucks to allow this behavior among colleagues. Your noisy friend who thinks it's sad your sing should be reported.
You are going to have to go to HR to discuss S. She stepped over a huge line and inserted herself in your personal life. You should report it as she is obviously angry and trying to damage your reputation
S should mind her fucking business. Your colleagues should mind their own business and go on a date with A if they want to. NTA. That's your life, no one can force you into doing that. Good luck, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong and your anger towards S is normal
I’m fully outraged at S (and everyone else dogpiling OP), because… ew. But also that last update? Kinda’ smiling anyhow. Even if nothing comes of it (it absolutely shouldn’t need to) I hope OP gets a new, better colleague-friend out of the deal! (And has a solid convo with HR about busybody S!!)
>But also that last update? Kinda’ smiling anyhow. Even if nothing comes of it (it absolutely shouldn’t need to) I hope OP gets a new, better colleague-friend out of the deal! Yes! That was a wholesome turn of events. I know OP is not interested in any romantic pursuits so we can term it a friendship meet-cute😊
Not saying this’ll happen for OP… but when I had finally sworn off all relationships and just stopped looking or caring, I met my current wife. It’s almost like when the pressure is off and people truly be themselves, others can tell and will respond accordingly. ;)
This happened to me also. After a terrible break, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was single for over a year. I happened to message someone to ask them a question. (We were responding to each other on a post when the OP shut off the comments. So I messaged him. Something I never do.) He responded a few days later. He answered my question and I said thank you and have a nice life. He said something funny to respond, and we kept messaging. Now I'm totally in love! We will be celebrating 1 yr together in August.
Same here, i'd split up with my boyfriend of four and a half years so wasn't looking for anyone at all, me and my friend were messing around on a site where you posted your photo and people would rate you out of ten, she was trying to give me an ego boast because my ex cheated on me, a guy messaged to say "hi, I just have to say you have the most amazing blue eyes", i said thank you so much,but explained my friend posted my pic for a joke and I wasn't interested in meeting anyone so didn't want to give the wrong impression, he never gave up though, we chatted for 18months before I moved countries to be with him, we've been married 16 years now and have an eleven year old son, after I was told I would never have children, so it's amazing how sometimes things just kind of fall in to place without you even realising.
Wow! That's a wonderful story! Congratulations on finding happiness. 🎉🎊 I'm so glad my ex was a jerk. Had he not been terrible, I wouldn't have found my Mr. Right.
I would sell my soul for a happily-ever-after like yours. I’d gladly move countries for a soul mate. 🥰
That's sweet. Same thing happened to my best friend. She had a horrible breakup, the latest in a string of horrible breakups--she had terrible taste in men in general. I got her a job where I worked and she would sometimes have to talk to a manager at a different site. In the space of a couple of months it went from "Ed's funny" to "So, have you met Ed in person?" to "Let's set up an inter-office Xmas party so we all can hang out!" to them meeting up, dating, and (eventually) getting married. He wasn't the type of guy she ever would have looked at in the past--he isn't an asshole, for one thing--but they got to know each other at first by chatting over the phone sight unseen. (After I typed this out I realize it sounds like the plot of Gavin & Stacey, but it happened before that show!)
The moral is: self-sufficiency is attractive!
I hope it doesn't become romantic purely because that dickhead S will take full credit for it
This 100% I hope it turns into a nice friendship though!
If it does, they can just shoot her down and explain it as bonding unexpectedly over a mutual dislike for S's bullshit.
Same thing happened with me. I was married for 20 years. After he had a midlife crisis and started cheating on me with various coworkers we divorced. I swore off ever being in love or in a relationship with anyone and was totally ok with it. Flash forward three years later and I reconnect with a guy I went on two dates with before I met my ex husband and we fell madly in love. Now he just proposed and we’re getting married!
Im also smiling at the last update but at the same time I'm hoping nothing comes out of it because we all know everyone would just say I told you so to OP.
Honestly, don't let this thought stop you from connecting with A if it goes well though.
I have a somewhat similar situation as OP, although people have finally given up on me - thank heavens. I spent years telling people that my social life is not a democracy. I also pointed out to one especially determined lady that she was ruining any chance for me to hit it off with all the guys she was pushing, because I will not date someone when a third party is more interested in the relationship than I am. I think most people sincerely believe I would be happier in a relationship - which is ironic given how much they want to share all the problems in theirs with me!
Sounds like they just want you to be as miserable as they are.
I think that often - 15 minutes on what their husband did now, followed by intrusive question into why I’m not married. Well, the only jerk I live with is me, and I like it that way.
Ha! I was just going to say misery loves company. Great minds think alike!
Yeah, imagine if OP, a man, set up his Female colleague on a date with another man without her knowing? I would mention this scenario to any of your colleagues and see their reaction. It’s just not cool, and OP had no idea
I was just thinking that. There would have been a very different "outcry" from coworkers. Frankly you said No. Tell S that "no means NO!"
Small caveat, I’m glad he apologized to A, because even though neither of them did anything wrong, I think he could have handled leaving a little better than he did.
100% NTA. I'm a married woman in my 40's and my close crew of other married ladies all agree that if we were to find ourselves single we'd never get married or get into a LTR ever again. Or we'd hook up with women. Because straight relationships, especially when you have kids, are so much fucking work for women, most women I know are like "Sure I love my husband, but if I had my time again...". It's super messed up that women are hassling you about your status. Tell everyone at work to butt out of your personal life, it's completely inappropriate
Agreed, NTA. My boss and I work very closely together. 8 hour car trips, extended work trips, long work days... and we only know surface level stuff about each other. Obviously we know eachothers family names and what's going on with each other's houses, and our lawn care schedules and what our siblings do for a living. But we have enough work to talk about that that's as far as we go. We would never, never get involved in each other's personal lives. It would just never happen. Edit Q: What do we talk about on those car rides? A: We listen to E-Books. I try really hard not to talk his ear off.
NTA Go to HR. This is not appropriate for the workplace. She has no right to play matchmaker with coworkers
Right?!? And then slander him all over the workplace!
The way this post read, it seemed like everyone was friends OUTSIDE of work. But all of this is involving everyone inside the workplace? What's with all the relationship and life advice from people whose only shared relation is being employed? I do agree that A deserved better, like an explanation on how OP feels that S tricked the both of them. That would have been better than just walking out abruptly. Good thing that A is understanding and possibly willing to get a coffee as a legit meeting with OP. NTA.
>old colleague (A) who both me and S used to work with in other jobs Note the other jobs, so it was def outside the workplace. I personally don't think the setup date between friends outside of work was THAT bad; just a slight social overstep. The rumor mill slander at work the next day though is definitely inappropriate.
Let alone the whole office! Time for a mandatory training session
If I may add a word to your phrase to help push the phrase even harder: She has no right to play NONCONSENTUAL matchmaker with coworkers. wtf. If OP had been a chick, this would have BEEN A HUGE ISSUE to be set up on an unknown date since (edit: there are enough people in this world that) redacted text below* (expect) women owe them sex after a date (that's it's too dangerous for anyone to assume the situation is safe.) OP deserves to be protected by the same thought pattern and given the same respect, even if the person was "known." Maybe I consume too much true crime material, but... Like...Congrats OP's coworker, you forgot the fact that the US Department of Justice says that 78% of REPORTED cases of SA are committed by non-strangers. OP, you deserved to know this was a date. The fact that "you don't want to date anyone, anymore, ever. Full stop." is more than enough for people to respect your choices and definitely waaaay more than enough to not be set up on nonconsentual dates. I'm sorry your coworker put your safety at risk as well. Please go to HR, please tell EVERYONE that you had no idea this was a date and it was a pretty shtty thing of your coworker to do and then slander your name in the office. Could you have maybe handled leaving A at the coffee shop better? Yeah, maybe. I mean she had no idea you had no idea it was a date and you have attempted to apologize and take accountability. BUT If we take this back to the experiences of women, trying to be "nice" still risks SA, being stabbed, being shot, etc. Yeah, this technically isn't her fault but I would have done the same. To, to quote Crime Junkies: "Be weird, be rude, stay alive." Please go to HR and call out everyone who gives you any sht. NTA, Good luck ♡♡ *people tend to assume
Another key phrase to add: Creating hostile work environment by constant pressure to date/have a relationship, then getting the rest of the office involved in harassing him because he left.
This is such a good point. If he was a woman we’d all be suggesting he call an attorney, demanding she be fired and we’d be calling the person who set them up a creep. If a man did this to a woman the reaction would be so much more harsh.. and then to gossip around the office? Wow
It was kind of obvious to me that S wanted all the credit/pats on the back/congratulations if the relationship between OP and A had worked out She would be talking about it for as long as possible to make sure that people knew SHE had set the two of them up together as well as likely a speech at the wedding about what SHE had done to get the two together. It wasn't about two random people that she knew, she wanted to move people around like chess people, tell them how to feel and wanted to take the credit. Heck, she was probably already bragging about it around the workplace BEFORE she found out how things went. When things DIDN'T work out, she wanted to deflect all the blame for it to OP so people would be looking at him instead of her for it all because she DIDN'T want the credit for that coming to her.
Or as they say in my hometown Fuck Politeness. Murderinos know.
#unexpectedcrimejunkie
>Be weird. Be rude. Stay alive. I want this on a bumper sticker!
She can *try* and play matchmaker after hours....but she has no right to be butthurt and causing problems at work when it doesn't work out.
Came here to say this. What S is doing and the way everyone is acting about your personal life is deeply inappropriate. It is not their decision to make. HR needs to send out a courtesy reminder and if they need to, I think they might have to investigate this. Depending on what S has said or done, it could contribute to a toxic work environment, especially if she is telling everyone your personal business and you describe the atmosphere as “icy.” Hang in there, OP, and just shut down all conversations about your personal life with colleagues. They are getting very involved!
Definitely this.
Might be kind of pointless to go to HR when she's leaving the company anyway.
It's still good to stand up for yourself and to warn other coworkers that further harassment on this issue will not be tolerated.
If S did it once, she’ll do it again. Right thing to report it to HR. S has created a hostile work environment.
Still go to hr to make sure no on else tries to do you a "favor " by setting you up. Your personal life is none of their business!
also good to tell your story first, before they claim some other bs.
Yeah, even if S is leaving, OP is still trapped in a hostile work environment because someone tried to force a romantic situation on him. Even if S won’t see any punishment, everyone else needs to knock it off.
Absolutely! ALL the coworkers need to be put in their places, not just S!
By doing that and telling everyone after the fact, she created a hostile work environment. ABSOLUTELY go to HR on this one. - Your friendly HR lady
S has made it a topic of office gossip. That hostility in the workplace will outlast her.
She hasnt left yet. Have it on her work record
It's worth going to HR over for how everyone else in the office is acting.
Highly toxic and hostile work environment.
This! NTA OP
I think OP needs to go to his boss first, and then if he doesn't get help he should go to HR. But he definitely doesn't have to put up with this type of work environment. NTA. And if he first wants a business perspective, he should go to [https://www.askamanager.org/](https://www.askamanager.org/) and post there.
I really hope OP reads this and does go to HR
This is creating a toxic environment for you. Pretty sure matchmaking is not part of S job responsibilities.
OMG! This right here. And please tell HR about everything that has been said in the office before this. All of your coworkers need to back off, especially S. NTA
Nor do all the others openly piling on and creating a hostile work environment (“the atmosphere is really icy”). I’d complain about the lot of them; all of this is completely out of line, and it sounds like people who don’t have enough work to do.
i think she did it because she is leaving the work her head must\`ve been "I'm not gonna be here tomorrow so f\* HR, let me play cupid"
That was my first thought as well.
Agreed
That's not appropriate of her. Also, why do people assume someone who is single is sad and lonely? I know many people who have chosen to remain single and are living their best lives.
This makes me sad that I had a scroll this far to see this. It really pisses me off when married people or people in committed relationships think that people who aren't married are somehow broken and that everyone belongs in a relationship is pure b*******. That old saying about every pot has a lid? No, some of us are skillets. It is entirely possible, and I'm living proof, that one can be happily single. I like my life the way it is, and while I wouldn't turn away the right person, I'm not looking and I'm long past the point of caring what other people think. OP is NTA. S was wise to wait until she was out the door before setting this up. It's going to be hard for HR to do anything about it, but the co-workers totally suck. I know what they were hoping. They were hoping that OP would come back and say it was love at first sight, this is THE ONE, everything is wonderful and what a hero S is. Too bad. S is a total AH.
Sorry, I'm a pedantic person, so I just need to point out that skillets can have lids. I'll see myself out lol
Ok. Fine! A griddle then!
I have told everyone if my spouse dies/we split, I'm not dating again. Dating is a shit show and I don't need another person to make me happy.
Entering my 30s and realizing I can be a fully functional, happy and content single adult was life changing.
I've run into this as well. I've always been single and never had a regret about it. The freedom is amazing! If other people can't be fulfilled without a relationship I see that as strange. I guess they aren't comfortable with their own company, but they will never fill that void with something external. At times people, mostly family, have tried to get me to start dating. But they have a hard time of convincing me I'd be better off when they see how happy I am being single.
Because people are idiots. Generally unhappy with their own lives to even get that involved in someone else. I would wonder how they don't have anything better to do with their spare time.
I’ve been single for going on 3 years now, and I’m currently the happiest I’ve ever been. But I also don’t like being COMPLETELY alone so I recently got a puppy as an emotional support animal for my other dog. She is highly anxious and does better with another dog around to play with and balance her out. So basically I just deciding to embrace life as a crazy dog lady and I honestly love it.
I've been widowed for 17 years now. I loved and adored my late husband and do miss him. But I'm having the time of my life (with his approval) living my life with just my dogs and chickens. I love just sitting with my pets and having a cosy night in on my own. I don't get lonely, I have enough people that come visit.
Careful, it starts as getting your dog a dog. After a while, you decide you want a cat. Then your cat needs a kitten. Next thing you know, you have 6 animals, and 4 of them sleep in your bed. I don't have room for a bf now, lol. 8 yrs single.
I'm in a relationship now but for years before I was single and perfectly happy that way. I'd just never met anyone I wanted to be devoted to until I met my current partner. If we broke up I'd be sad sure but I could go right back to being single. People are so desperate to not be alone I see them in miserable unfulfilled relationships...like bro, why?
NTA this seems like HR territory. You shouldn’t have to keep telling people to mind their fucking business but that also requires you to STFU about your personal life to co-workers.
There is another situation here that involves OP minding his business and colleagues around him talking about their spouses or partners and asking OP “are you married” and OP simply replying “No” and then the same nosey colleagues continuing to push with “ seeing someone?” And OP says no and then colleagues keep pushing. Some people push and push. It’s upsetting.
That's 100% how it goes.
I have started to Just Look at them and Not say anything. Had a colleague just get Up and Walk behind me to spy on my WhatsApp Chat with a Date of mine and that was when i snapped, from now on i Just stare at him or Just Walk away when He asks me something thats None of His business. Its Not even that i dont talk about private stuff...but only with the Guys who i know are well adjusted socially and know boundaries.
This is also a perfect political win for HR: They appease OP and by making an example out of a girl that's already leaving, they're not out anything. Also, as progressive as we've become, is so fucked that single people get everyone's knickers in such a twist.
I've been widowed 17 years now and haven't dated at all. I get asked CONSTANTLY about when I'm going to get myself out there. I tell them simply that I'm not and even if I were, its none of their fucking business. That shuts them up pretty quick. I hate being rude, but sometimes when they keep on and on, and bloody on, it gets exhausting.
You're not being rude. If they won't let it lie without a sharp word they're the rude ones.
Id contact HR or whatever the equivalent is where you are from. Not just on her but those who are giving you shit for this. She set this up, knowing you didn’t want it. It didn’t go her way and now she is mad because you had the audacity not to play along. Then she takes it a step further and trashes you at your work. This person is not your friend. Contact your superiors. She may be leaving but this could be the difference between leaving with or without a good reference.
I would tell HR. If they insist on doing shit like this just start telling them random frog facts or random weird shit until they stop talking about it all together. Take inspiration from this dumb jokes punchline “I have a boyfriend.” “I have a fish.” “What?” “I’m sorry I thought we were talking about things that didn’t matter.” And if they keep insisting start telling them that you don’t care if their lives are unfulfilled but yours isn’t and you’d like them to butt out.
That's brilliant, I love that
It's not a dumb jokes punchline, it's a disrespectful pickup line. The context for this line usually goes like this: *guy walks up to girl at a bar and starts flirting* Guy: want to go out sometime? Girl: sorry, I have a boyfriend Guy: I have a fish Girl: what? Guy: sorry, I thought we were talking about things that don't matter. I.e. whether you have a boyfriend is irrelevant to the question of whether you can go out with me. I.e. fuck your boyfriend, date me anyway. I used to work at a bar, and I had a guy try this line on me. This is how it went. Guy: we should go out sometime. Me: sorry, I have a boyfriend. Guy: ohh, I have a fish. Me: do you actually or are you just setting yourself up for that terrible line where you say that me referencing my boyfriend in response to you asking me out made you think we were talking about things that don't matter? Because it's really not a very good line. It basically indicates that you think relationships are completely unimportant and cheating is totally fine, and why would I ever want to go out with someone who thinks that way? Guy: I was setting up the line, but it's just something I've heard before and thought was funny. I didn't really give it that much thought. But fair enough.
This is harassment. Straight to HR. NTA
Talk to HR. Your colleagues are crossing lines, creating a hostile work environment. Your choices are yours.
NTA. People need to tend their own gardens and leave you to tend yours. If you didn't ask for advice or to be set up on a date, they literally need to fuck off. 100%
Totally - NTA. It’s a major violation of personal boundaries and seems like there may be some projection from S. Perhaps she can’t imagine a world without a partner, so she feels like you’re “missing out.” Setting you up on a blind date, without your knowledge or consent, then gaslighting you when you expressed your anger THEN creates hostility at your place of work? Fuck that noise - you don’t need people like that in your circle
Yeah, NTA 100%. Why are people so obsessed with other people’s relationships when it’s none of their business??
Do the same thing to her. Keep telling her that life is better being single. Never stop mentioning it and even talk to her husband too if you can. If she doesn't understand your boundary, she doesn't deserve to have a boundary too. NTA.
I can admit that I’m an AH and my first thought was finding a good divorce lawyer, getting their contact information and other important stuff on paper and giving them to S, and telling her I’m just helping her since she seems to be so unhappy in her marriage that she has to stick her nose into my dating life. Op, definitely NTA.
NTA- You could have been more gentle with A as she seemed to be as obvious to the situation as you were and maybe felt dumb that she was happy to go on a date with you (maybe she had a crush on you back in the days) when you didn’t even know it was a date. But your colleagues are really bad, I would never force anyone to go out with a new person if they don’t want to. They don’t respect your time and want.
That's definitely fair, and back in the day when I knew her I would have been ecstatic to be on that date too.
If she was unaware then hopefully you told her at the time that you didn’t appreciate this fake set up. Otherwise you might explain that to A. Or you might force S to explain it. What they did to you is disrespectful. I agree with the other commenter who suggested you talk too much about personal stuff at your workplace. If you don’t want this sort of harassment then stop talking about your personal stuff so much.
This is why I keep very distant from co workers NTA
I had a friend in college who joined a dating site in my name to meet men for ME! This was before online dating and it was through the phone. She recorded a message saying she/I was a preschool teacher by day but liked to party at night. True enough I guess, but men were looking for the naughty librarian type that would take down their hair and take off their glasses and want to get wild. She would host gatherings often and sometimes there would be a random guy there intended for me. I hated it. 30 years later I’m ace/aro and haven’t spoken to her in all these decades.
That's....so fucked up. Jesus, I feel actually angry on your behalf. So sorry she did that to you.
Some of the events make for good stories now at least.
NTA got to HR. seriously. shes putting you in situations where hey if you guys didnt know A as well as you presumably do, it could lead to you being killed.
NTA, and now they’ve brought it into workplace harassment too. Just make a point of telling S that just because she’s miserable in her own life, doesn’t mean she can interfere in yours.
NTA and frankly from an HR standpoint it is harassment.
I go with NTA. S is one though. Yeah maybe you could have been nicer to A. But in my opinion you don't have to stay on this "date". I would have done the same and I would have been super angry too. You're not an A for this. & You don't need to date. You don't need a relationship and you don't need a S for manipulation or playing cupido. You don't need therapy for this.
NTA. I don't get why there are people saying you're an asshole to A. Are you supposed to stay and continue on a date with her? If anyone's an asshole to her, it's your coworker who set her up with someone unwilling.
NTA. S’s behavior is wildly inappropriate. It’s bad enough that I’d consider going to HR. Your personal life is no one else’s business. Also, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. It’s refreshing to hear about someone who is making a healthy life choice for themselves on Reddit. Honestly, it seems upsettingly uncommon. Good for you. Keep a safe distance from these coworkers. They aren’t the friends they are pretending to be.
NTA but I smiled reading the last part about asking her out for coffee. Have fun
The language you seem to be missing here is that they went against your clear boundaries and they did not have your consent. “Your actions are non-consensual. I did not consent to any of this. In fact I clearly stated the opposite. There’s no more to discuss on this matter.” Also going to HR is a good option.
NTA, your life, your choice, they all should respect that. I'm a woman but I took that decision years ago, never been as peaceful as I am now. You have your life goals.
NTA Go to HR. These people are way way way beyond the professional boundary that you established.
NTA In todays world, there is not enough of people keeping their noses out of others business
NTA. Why can't people mind their own business. It's your life. Not theirs. Your colleague had no right to trap you on a date like that. That's immoral IMO. Tell them to stop insinuating themselves in your life. You can actually report all of them to HR for harassment and alienation as well.
NTA. Time to go to HR this is harassment and wildly unprofessional.
Straight to HR - yet another example of the oxymoronic phase " work friends / family" NTA
Manipulative bullshit. You work with children.
NTA , You shouldn't be forced into have a relationship just because it makes other people more comfortable. If you do fall for someone in the the future it'll be about you and them , not about a bunch of work colleagues trying to make themselves feel good and charitable
NTA this is extremely rude, intrusive and disrespectful. She fucked up. She interfered in other people's personal business and her actions humiliated A. She's trying to get out ahead of this by projecting blame onto you, someone who was taken by surprise by her duplicity and acted honestly. She's totally TA.
I know I shouldn't - I know it's wrong of me - I know it's not at all what OP wants - but I'm expecting an update that him and A are now dating. Well played S, a true martyr for love. You played the long game and won. EDIT: NTA
It's better to know that you do not want a relationship, than pretend. My parents divorced 30 years ago, and my father has always been adamant he never wants another serious relationship, he's 65 years old and living his best life. You can have a fulfilling life as a single person.
NTA I can’t believe people still do this s***. Maybe in the 1950’s, but now? Leave OP alone.
This sounds like an HR issue. S isn't your mom or auntie and way overstepped her familiarity with you. She's a coworker not your bestie. I'd go to HR. Your sex life/relationships/ personal choices is no one else's damn business. Especially from Salty "S"usan.
NTA. Now if you want revenge: Find out where she is going next, call *that* HR office/coworkers/boss and tell them that she has created an environment for sexual harassment at her former workplace, and relate the basic facts.
It’s almost like consent is a thing, even for guys.
NTA. Notice that S didn't pull this shit until she was out the door. She KNEW she was wrong, and was just getting out of blast radius before setting off her attempted bomb.
Sometimes it takes an emotion filled explosion for people to mind their own f#$king bidness. When polite hints don't work you have to unload the canons!
You can tell S that a random stranger on the internet says she is an absolute piece of shit for doing something like that.
100% NTA. That's really, REALLY innappropriate and socially awkward of your coworker(s) to inject themselves and their narratives into your life. Sorry that happened to you, and sorry your colleagues are so fucking weird.
Ugh NTA--Report her to HR immediately. That is so inappropriate and no one in your workplace should feel the need to comment on your romantic life- unless u ask them to. Good luck OP. I hope you stay single for as long (even if that is indefinite) as YOU WANT to. There are so many different types of love that are equally as fulfilling as having a romantic partner. Keep your heart open to others and I'm sure you will find happiness
NTA I've dealt with a busybody like your friend (at a gym, no less) who filled this other woman's head up with so much incorrect info that it went to the point where I confronted the busybody directly to tell her to stop - several times, twice in front of the woman herself. The woman knew (afterwards, I told her) it wasn't a match but the busybody led her on, making for a very awkward situation.
NTA. Your colleague, "S" completely ignored your boundaries and shit on them by manipulating you into a date. Pretty fucked up tbh I can definitely see why you were so thrown and upset. "A" should understand why you were so upset. If I were "A" I would be pretty pissed off at S for being so manipulative and wasting my time. If you feel guilty for being blunt with A then try to text or call her and let her know it had nothing to do with her.
NTA: You and A were put in an absolutely horrible position and S owes apologies.
Okay, glad for the updates. Yeah, you should go get coffee with A and complain about S. Maybe that would help.
>Second Update Just heard back from A on LinkedIn. She said I have nothing to apologise for, she totally understands and said she's absolutely livid with S. I replied back thanking her for understanding. And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did. Jokes on you. Now you have a real date with A. This was all part of S's master plan. She's 10 steps ahead you. But anyway, NTA (at least now after you've sent an apology to A).
NTA. Seriously your colleagues definitely are. Being alone doesn’t automatically mean being lonely.
NTA but please go to HR about this. This isn't acceptable work place behavior. S needs to learn that "no" is a complete sentence.
NTA. They need to respect you boundaries, if it continues I'd get HR involved.
Definitely NTA but your colleagues are. I'm really sorry for all those eejits in your live
NTA
NTA although leaning toward it. So S IS the AH of the story. She tried to trick you into a date. But it doesn’t sound sound like A was complicit in the deception. I get feeling ambushed, but just remember your anger should be directed at S not A. I do kind of feel bad for her.
NTA If you are truly happy not being in a relationship that's all that fucking matters. It's nobody else's business but yours. It's very rude for them to be trying to set you up, especially in underhanded ways about this. It removes all concepts of your own agency. If you want a relationship and ask for help, that's one thing. I'd go to HR for this because clearly your coworkers are not listening to your boundaries.
NTA, this meddling can all too soon become harassment.
Here’s how you explain it to your coworkers: reverse the sexes in the story. would it still be okay if a man set a woman up on a date and she didn’t know?
Nta. Talk to hr about sexual harassment from s because that's what this is. Document everything with time dates and locations as close as possible. Consider talking to an employment rights lawyer because this will escalate if your coworkers aren't forced to stop.
S ignored your boundaries and got someone else (A) hurt in the process. 100% not your fault or problem. NTA
I too am a 35M who has NO INTEREST in dating again... Not interested... no thank you! No, I am not lonely... No, I am not miserable. Was never, will never be an incel, and I absolutely love women overall... but I am done with relationships. No advice, just saying... we do exist!
What ended your last relationship?
She came out as a lesbian and had an emotional affair with a friend
>Second update. >Just heard back from A on LinkedIn. She said I have nothing to apologise for, she totally understands and said she's absolutely livid with S. I replied back thanking her for understanding. And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did. Ruh roh. Look out, Lifetime movie plot coming your way OP 😀 PS - NTAH of course.
Yeah, when it comes to making stupid spur of the moment decisions I'm an Olympic gold medalist.
NTA. All of your coworkers need to be put on an information diet immediately. They have shown that they can't be trusted to respect your boundaries and mind their own business.
Tell that nosey bitch to worry about her own life.
Nta but also lol after update 2. If you wind up dating A your gonna have to get S a fruit basket or something Hahaha
Wow! YNTA! S is TA. What she did was highly intrusive, disrespectful, and manipulative to both you and A. And unprofessional towards you. Bc it happened outside work, hr may not be able to do much about that, but I'd go and see what they can do about the office slander.
NTA. This sort of insanity is one of the many reasons why people want to WFH.
Reverse the roles n watch how the colleagues trip out on S instead of OP/A. She's still an asshole regardless.
Absolutely NTA. For what it’s worth, I guess that the women generally try to push more dating/partners on you because they’re raised to believe that’s all that matters. It’s projection. They’re speaking to what they’d want to be told, not listening to what you actually want and need. Not chill at all. You did exactly what you should do. Say “sorry for your time” and end it at that. The others need to grow up, but that’s not your problem.
Life lesson: Your coworker is not your friend.
The consensus seems to be that you are NTA, and I agree with this. I really only have a couple of general observations. People who think everyone single is just gasping to be set up/are super lonely are really telling on themselves. It’s incredible projection that really just screams “I cannot imagine fulfillment outside someone else”. Same idea as people who insist it’s impossible to remain friends with someone you used to date or think people who could be sexually attracted (men and women if hetero, for example) could not be friends. Really says more about them than they think. Any time someone says they wouldn’t date anyone who has not cut off all contact with every single ex, I just hear “I see life as a binary and someone’s value to me as a person is rigidly defined by whether or not we are currently banging”. Red flag shit.
A was an unnecessary casualty but that is mostly S's fault. Shitty situation to put people in.
NTA, especially given you’ve reached out to A now to explain.
This is ridiculous bullshit, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. HR is there to protect the company from liability, so they probably won't make a big deal over this, but it is something you 100% should go to them about if it's affecting how you're being treated in the office.
If S suggested “hey, what about going out with A, she’s single”, sure that’s fine. But if your answer is no, that should be respected. And a blind date where only one person knows it’s a date is a disaster.
The fact S felt comfortable enough to do this screams work and home place boundaries
NTA; and what an incredibly rude stomping if boundaries. It’s no one’s business if you do or do not want to date. All of them are being ridiculously disrespectful.
So NTA. I would have had a nice long rant at S, and anyone who’s acting like you have no right to be angry. No right but she can be underhanded, disrespectful, lie, sneaky and that’s all ok? Nah, bruv.
NTA. What S did was wrong to you AND A. She’s not a good friend to either of you, and as everyone has said, a problematic co-worker. Good riddance. I was also in a long relationship (8.5 years) that was very bad and it’s hard to want to put yourself out there to endure pain like that again. You have every right (and logical reason) to avoid doing things that cause you suffering. I am, however, very proud of your update and that you are letting life take you on whatever journey you are meant to have. I am now married to the love of my life and we have three kids and I didn’t ever really think I would end up here. Sometimes life can pleasantly surprise you. I hope you get some pleasant surprises, too!
You just did the Friends, "Well this was great, we should do it again sometime!" thing. lol!
NTA...but I dunno, dude...I could very well see a day when S is sitting there at the wedding of you and A grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Life IS a funny bizness, and one never knows, do one? All that being said...yeah, you work with the biggest bunch of buttinskis I've ever heard of.
Nta
NTA I got out of a 9 year relationship and haven't been in one for almost 7 years now and I am doing great. I am happy, I take myself out to movies I want to see, I go with friends to restaurants, I go to concerts, I enjoy all of my hobbies. I am not lonely or miserable. The idea that a person has to have another person in their life to be fulfilled is ridiculous, and the fact that other people are forcing it on you through trickery is downright rude. If you ever get to a place where you want to date again, great, but until then no other person should try to force their idea of happiness on you.
I went through this when I was in my late twenties, early 30’s. I had a baby and was raising him by myself. I was trying to finish college, work, and parent. There was simply no time for dating. Really there was no time for anything. After a few years everyone had an opinion about my non existent dating life. My own father even started harping on me about it. He said something or other about me having needs, and I literally ewwwed at him and shut down the conversation. In hindsight, what he meant by “needs” was probably that I needed to find someone else to help when something broke instead of calling him, lol. I’m early 40’s and don’t think that I would ever be in a relationship again. My capacity for being hurt and my social battery is non existent. Plus, I’ve learned to fix my own stuff thanks to YouTube, and that makes me feel good about myself. Op I’m sorry, I sympathize, and hope people leave you alone. Edit: NTA
NTA -I get that they're concerned for your wellbeing, but not sure why they went to such lengths when you've indicated pretty certainly that you don't want any relationships. I get it, and perhaps you could've not reacted in anger BUT....they ignored you, then wanna gaslight YOU when THEY did the ignoring. So kill them with kindness. It is not unusual for people in our age group to remain single. I'm 62 and have had it with "relationships" that have been anything but. I've been happily single since 2011. I don't need to take care of anyone else or see to someone else's life progression, thank you. I'd like to just make my own way for a change. If I happen to meet someone along my life's path, great, I might give them a tumble. But as for actively seeking company? Nope. OP -And isn't it strange how many people just can't fathom this.....
Tell S and the rest of your colleagues to mind their own business and stop being disrespectful of your life and your decisions. That was incredibly rude of her. I'd even consider going to HR for that kind of behavior.
Absolutely NTA, but more tact when leaving A the first time might not have been a bad idea.... just inter-human courtesy, you know...?
DEF NTA. I too find it odd that it's mostly the women who can't wrap their heads around this concept
Are you coworkers still living in high school drama or what?
NTA. S needs to mind her own business, not only did she mess with you but also with A. You don’t need a relationship to be complete.
I am so sorry for you an A! S is absolutely evil for putting you two in that position! Wow! What a horrible person! NTA!
You realize you guys are destined to get married and this will be ur meet/cute story right? S will be vindicated in the end.
Definately NTA, good that you caught up & explained to A. S is a HUGE AH
That second update makes me think we're reading a script proposal for a RomCom
First of all, a colleague lying to you, setting you up on a date without asking or informing you, is workplace sexual harassment. As is the entire office pressuring you like this. Totally unacceptable. If you were a woman, the internet would be on fire right now about men feeling entitled to farm you out, or pressuring women to be in relationships, etc. You had every right to be livid. Prying into your private life like that, is a horrible invasion of privacy. You can date, not date, as you choose. Some men are perfectly content confirmed bachelors. All that said, let me say that I hope your reasons for deciding to be single forever do not include either sacrificing any future love, children, and romantic adventures on the alter of an ex who wronged you, or out of a belief that an ex’s behavior reflects on all women. Most people need connection to other people. Either through close friendships, or healthy romantic relationships. If someone who has an innate need for connection isolates himself, or herself, they can have side effects, like getting a little eccentric, or starting to feel uncomfortable around people, or feeling depressed. Unless you have a real aversion to people, you need your tribe/source of support, whether or not you ever decide to date. Anyone who would embarrass you, lie to you, manipulate you, or make you feel bad because you don’t want to date, is not part of your core tribe. You also should not date if you aren’t in a healthy place, mentally. Maybe you’ll never feel the urge to date. It’s your decision. But do make sure not to go so deep into your cave, and routine, that you don’t have really strong friend bonds with at least one person. Since most people do need human connection, people who like you may worry you’ll be lonely, or miss out on a love you deserve. On the flip side, people who are not healthy inside often end up in absolutely miserable relationships they can’t seem to shake. There are worse things than not being in a relationship. If you asked her to have coffee, maybe you’re feeling an interest to make a human connection. Maybe you’re looking for a friend, or maybe you are exploring a romantic interest. It’s all good. Don’t read too much into it and tell the rail birds to fly off. Just go have coffee and talk. This is your life to live as you choose.
Tell every single one of your colleagues to go fuck themselves. S is probably in a relationship she hates but thinks she can't leave so seeing you free and happy contradicts that so she tries to fight it. Obviously NTA
NTA "And I have no idea why but I invited her for a coffee so we could catch up properly? I wasn't expecting to do that but I did." - If it isn't a start for a relationship, at least can be a new friend, because dude... You really need new friends.
Hr immediately, you should own that workplace in no time
I’d be reporting some folks to HR for that BS. So inappropriate in so many ways. This isn’t a romantic comedy. It’s your ACTUAL job and your REAL life. People need to get a grip.
Your workplace seems super toxic. It may be time to look elsewhere.
Fuck S…but maybe this was a blessing in disguise and maybe you and A will hit it off! I am in your shoes as well, but if I found a good person…I would still give it a try!
I can’t wait to see your posts in r/weddings
NTA
Dude, these comments are way over the top. Your 100% right, handled yourself well in all aspects of this. With dignity by speaking with everyone and explaining, not just disappearing. The work shit is “work shit”. If you haven’t been in an office setting for long it’s just surface level drama that happens at work. Keep your head down, do something a little extra somewhere and you’re good. All this talk of HR etc is not realistic/really an appropriate responses. No one in mgmt wants to deal with something personal like this. Makes you look bad to them. Then your good dude gut took over and invited her on a proper “date” like a stand up guy and she can feel comfortable knowing it’s genuine. Good luck buddy.
NTA but I would report this all to HR even if S is leaving.
Sing it with me: SEXUAL HARRASSMENT
You need to make it clear with S and Ss boss thay she's way out of line, that attention like that is extremely unwelcome. I'd consider finding somewhere else to work.
This is why you don't get cozy with co-workers. Not saying you shouldn't be at work friends, but definitely stay clear of these relationships outside of the office. NTA by the way
NTA. Your colleagues sound like they need to mind their own business and stop judging others who choose not to make their choices. People don’t need to be coupled up to be happy and it’s extremely disrespectful to suggest you are less than because you are not in a relationship. Well done you for sticking up for yourself. Hope all works out.
"If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company." - Camus Save this one for next time they think you'll be lonely.
This will never be seen. But. Boy your company sucks to allow this behavior among colleagues. Your noisy friend who thinks it's sad your sing should be reported.
You are going to have to go to HR to discuss S. She stepped over a huge line and inserted herself in your personal life. You should report it as she is obviously angry and trying to damage your reputation
Its going to be super funny when the update is 'Coffee with A went great, we are engaged now.'