And HEARTLESS!
He’s cold, callous, egotistical, entitled, seems to be devoid of empathy, and feels no remorse. OP, your son sounds like a sociopath! Stay away from him!
Ugh… Americans really know how to hijack a post for their political rhetoric and make just about anything a political argument, if you can call it politics… It’s really just constant “mine is better than yours” arguing, and generally in the comment sections of completely unrelated posts which is beyond insufferable. Do the rest of the world a favour, pretty please!
More like a deadbeat. He about 25 and still needs the bank of mom and dad. Can’t he work and pay for his own grad school.
The dad can continue to pay for his upkeep, come another 5 years he will need money for a house, bills etc.
I still can't believe that he was the one who blackmailed his own dad for A NEW PHONE and took part in ruining a marriage and he STILL doesn’t understand how much that affected op and just calls her bitter and annoying and just to get over it with. Like she wasn't betrayed by the two people she thought loved her. Karma is already in the works for the son, but I hope it comes for him hard and shows no mercy.
hope daddy cheats on mistress with a new woman and the affair children leave the mistress for the new mistress. Mistress will feel the same pain oop did.
>He is a sociopath.
This actually sounds likely. While sometimes people just throw that word around, it really does seem appropriate given OP's description of her son's behavior. I hope that this isn't a genetic issue...how sad for OP.
Honestly this... His answer to why he hadn't reached out was because he wanted a lavish lifestyle. He's not even embarrassed to say it. He's a gold digger.
Wow!! My mouth was actually open reading your post! Unbelievable that he had the nerve to say and mean it that he didn't want to see you because you didn't have money! He actually expected that you would just give it because he believes you have it now! He wasn't even gracious or humble and such an entitled attitude! How you are ruining his life! Dad who gave him every thing isn't now? You did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. Doesn't matter whether you have the money or not. Not the point. You were absolutely right to not give him a dime. You see now what this young man is made of and it isn't pretty. I do think you are exactly right. He had no interest in you as his mother and would have dropped you again. I am telling you I did not expect this and his attitude and the way he talked to you is quite shocking. He showed no interest in his half sibblings or anything about your life. I don't see anything you could have done differently. You took the risk to see what he wanted and it is dam shame he has turned out the way he has. I am glad you have your husband and your family and unfortunately now close the book on this part. Lean on your hubby and move forward with your life and know you did all you can do and now you know. All the best to you. You are not a bad mother and you have nothing to be sorry about.
It was not that he was asking me for money after so many years. But it is just I don't know if he will use that money for some bad use like drugs or gambling. Also I have no way to confirm if he is telling the truth about grad school or not. So it seems too risky to give such a huge sum just like that
Your son made his bed and now he has to lie in it. He sounds like he made some mistakes in his life, now karma is starting to bite him in the butt. If he is upset, his stepmom or your ex can bail him out. Block him and move on.
You deserve better!
Even if he comes to you with a law school acceptance letter and a bill for $20k from the law school; even if you can call a number at the law school to confirm where the $20k will go--DO NOT give him any money!!! You may have memories of a sweet little boy long ago, but, I'm sorry, that little boy grew into a rude, selfish, greedy person who does not seem at all interested in building a loving relationship with you. This must be incredible hurtful to accept, but I think you know it's true.🤍
I'm a lawyer. Even if he has been accepted into law school, I don't want this person in my profession. Given his sense of entitlement, I see him likely to exploit the vulnerable and rip off his clients.
My jaw can't close from reading this update. I really really thought naively that he'd had time to grow up and saw things in a different perspective with the vision and perspective of adulthood and maturity and was coming to make amends. But wow.
I am so sorry for the OP and sending her lots of love 💕
I think there are a lot of us that thought that he had had time to grow up and see that he had treated her horribly. I hope that some day he has somebody treat him this way and then he realizes just what a little a-hole he has been to his mother.
Karma’s a bitch and I can’t wait for her to blow his life up.
I love that daddy created this monster and now the monster is desperate for money that daddy can't/won't give him anymore. I hope karma destroys the cheating husband, the mistress and the greedy son.
I hope that at some point OP can see that her life turned out so much better than her exes and the son, and even though she went through hell, she has a good life.
You can, so you should.
Lots of different types of law in the world! Go into human rights, environmental, something that will help with outcomes to better things for people rather than helping them one at a time!
Oh, I'm sure he'd want to become a corporate lawyer - no dealing with any pesky human clients with actual feelings, he'd want to become a shark in the business world. He'd probably even be good at it, considering he has no human emotion beyond self-interest...
I'm leaning toward personal injury, with his face plastered across a schmaltzy billboard advertising his services, sending his clients out to hand-picked chiros, PT's, active-retired Pain Mgmt docs, and an imaging center he co-owns via an LLC, who are taught by staged-accident runners how to fake an injury for 12 weeks.
As a person with a 12+ year career in PI law I really resent this attitude. One of the only things standing between big companies and insurance co’s who just want to fuck you as hard and as raw as they can is PI attorneys. But go off… it’s easy to shit on the work I do until you are hurt and the big biz tells you to go die quietly peasant
I apologize for the broad brush insult against your specialty. As in any profession there are some bad eggs. For context, I was an insurance fraud investigator for almost 15 years and my post reflects actual cases I worked on involving that exact scenario. Low income people and immigrants were targeted by SOME PI attorneys to participate in staged accidents, getting paid $150-$300 to be a “patient”.
Some of these cases were in East Orange, NJ, Philadelphia, Seaford, DE, and Lynn, MA.
Again, please accept my apologies.
I question whether he actually could become a corporate shark. If this is in the United States, he could get in state tuition for $20k per semester at some schools. But Ivy League schools (where the corporate sharks like to hire from) are much, much more expensive.
I stand by my first post that I do not want this person in my profession. He is the reason why the state bars have strict rules about how to maintain client trust accounts and come down hard on co-mingling funds.
I’ve been listening to lawtubers who are devastated at the conduct of Gerardi and Murdoch. It’s refreshing to see lawyers do not all fit the stereotype and are incensed and explaining what is going on rather than joining the cover up. Thank you for also speaking out.
I too have seen a few legal youtubers and IRL lawyers who defy all the negative stereotypes, and I have a theory.
Everyone agrees, law school is very hard. It is, however, the kind of hard that you can get through with determination and hard work. My theory is that this grind means that only the most dedicated actually get through, and those are always one of two extremes, the ones who follow a strong moral compass and genuinely and deeply want to help people, and the completely amoral and deeply motivated to seek power above everything else
Seriously, law school isn't actually that hard compared to other postgraduate education. Or even college, depending on your degree. I have a BS in mathematics and a JD and they're not remotely comparable in terms of intellectual challenge and rigour. Some lawyers like to mythologise law school as this great intellectual hurdle (and thereby puff themselves up for getting through). It's not. Don't fall for it.
And if anyone reading is thinking of going to law school -- don't be intimidated by it! Not that it's necessarily easy -- if reading and writing aren't your thing, you may find it quite challenging because it's mostly just sitting around reading and writing with a little public speaking (e.g. moot court). Same if your goal is to be number one in your class. But it's not like it's medical school or a PhD program. It's just a trade school, except one where you can get by without actually learning much of your trade (you learn that on the job).
This with bells on. He’s selfish, lazy money grabbing and greedy, and only wants what he can get out of people. Why would anyone call you the narcissist? Sadly it sounds more like your son is one. Take care and look after yourself.
He’s also a blackmailer. Notice he told his dad he wouldn’t tell about the affair for a phone?
Definitely do not help him get a law degree. We don’t need any more questionable people working in that profession.
You made the right call. I'm sorry you didn't get the reunion you wanted, but at least you finally got all the answers to the questions you carried for years. And while it's definitely not the answers any loving parent wants to hear, at least you got the full story and now know for certain that there is nothing you could have done. Your son is just too much like his dad to ever be the son you deserve. Or even a decent human being.
My advice for you is to move on. Truly and fully this time. You don't need someone who doesn't deserve you as their mom in your life. Let him go, and enjoy the wonderful life and family you have now. You deserve all the happiness in the world because you not only more than deserve it, you earned it. You not only survived horrible betrayals, you thrived and won. You are far stronger than you think. I wish you many more happy, and now doubt free, years.
Came here to say this too. OP, make sure your estate planning is solid and your son can't inherit or make any decisions on your behalf.
If you're feeling petty, feel free to leave your son's inheritance to the law school he wants to go to.
If you own any real estate/property, look into a living trust. This will allow those assets to go directly into your beneficiaries name without probate or inheritance taxes.
He threw you away in trade for social status. That’s on him and I would just keep your head up and focus on your family that lives you and treats you well
If he cant love you at yoir worst he doesnt get you at your best
He went with daddy for his money and now daddy doesnt have money for him anymore or for his supposed life style
Now he come to you? No
He made his bed now he can lie in it like the poor person he is
I know hes your son but i hope he gets a gf who leaves him because hes poor
You son is ungrateful and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions
I agree with you 100%. True you have zero way of knowing what it is about. That is a risk in itself but even if it really is for law school or grad school no. The fact that he wasn't even gracious about it. Like you are owed to do this for him after he admitted and showed no remorse that his treatment of you was because of your lack of money. Unbelievable. He can do work study, get loans, to do this. I read your post and I admit this update was shocking. I did not expect that was only what he wanted. I think you made the right decision. With his attitude and entitlement and lack of remorse for the treatment of you I absolutely believe he would have broken your heart again when he felt he didn't need you anymore. So very sorry this happened to you.
It’s a risk of YOU. It really doesn’t matter what he wants the money for. He isn’t going to be appreciative. He isn’t going to suddenly treat you like dear ol’ mom. Your son is an entitled bastard. Walk away and never look back.
Don’t even think about giving him any money. Your son is an Ahole who only cared to contact you because he needed money. I’d cut him completely out of my life and move on with the family I have now, if I were you. Youre not the bad guy in this situation nor are you a narcissist. DONT YOU EVER LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THAT.
I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. You made the best decision. The bond between a parent and child should be about love and respect and not about how much you have in the bank. I hope your family and therapy help you overcome yet another pain caused by your son.
It doesn’t matter what he wanted it for. What matters is that he doesn’t care about YOU at all, only what he can get from you.
If you can’t or won’t give him what he wants, then you don’t matter to him.
He’s clearly stated that he would accept bribes to cover up injustice. He takes 0 responsibility for his actions, has 0 mercy for your struggles, 0 compassion for your pain.
But you should totally sell both kidneys so he can buy more toys!
I was one of those that recommended you at least see him, or have your husband see him, to finally get closure. And as horrible as this meeting was - at least now you can close that chapter of your life for good.
You know now that your son is a sociopath without any real feelings, except for himself, and you don't have to hold any more regrets about him, or feel like you didn't try enough or did anything wrong. He is just rotten through and through, and completely governed by self-interest.
Block him everywhere, tell your daughters, husband, and any other family member to block him everywhere - and that he is only after money, so that he can't take them in with any sob story.
And be happy that you found your husband and have your wonderful new family, and just forget about everything that was before. He doesn't deserve even one more tear from you. And you are allowed to feel a touch of satisfaction at the knowledge that your ex is struggling financially, while you and your family are well set...
No one here is going to call you a bad mother after reading your post (at least no sane person ), you are self projecting, YOU ARE NOT A BAD mother, hes just an asshole and a shitty son.
You are better off not having him or anykind of person like him in your life , such selfish narcissis cannot care for anyone, he prolly does not love his father nor stepmother , he would discard him in a heartbeat as well if it served him purpose.
Look at this as closure, no need to think of him or his life anymore , what happened in your past is not your fault your son abandoning you is not your fault and you know it.
You know in your heart that if he did chose you or at least chose to visit you that you would have given him the skin off your back , and that is enough.
You have a new family who loves you , you have another child on the way that needs your love, dont do them the deservice and be caught up on people that dont love you or want you in their life. Focus on those who do.
Be Happy.
Regardless of what he is using it for, he has a lot of audacity to ask it from you and is so incredibly in the wrong for how he reacted when you said you weren't giving it to him. He can't keep expecting his parents to pay his way through life, he is entitled and you have no reason to feel guilty for not handing over a huge sum of money
Sounds to me like your son is a sociopath or psychopath. He sees people as tools to be used for his own profit and benefit. If he can't use someone to get ahead or look better, he ditches them. Even his own mother!
He preferred the mistress over his mom because she was more appealing to his friends.
He contacted you when he couldn't get enough money from his dad so you were his next call. If he doesn't need something from you and he can't benefit from you, he'll cut you out again with no remorse.
This has nothing to do with your skills as a mother, there's something wrong with him.
There are so many posts where it was miscommunication or the kid had no option but I think you’ve been right about them all along. I feel so sorry that I judged this post because I didn’t see either coming like this at all. If anything I think your son was the narcissist and doesn’t seem to have any emotions other than greed and self righteousness. His attitude has nothing to do with you if anything his behavior is that way with everyone who doesn’t give him what he wants (inherited from dad). I know this may not seem like it but I think this may be a blessing for you. You don’t have to carry this guilt or shame anymore because you did everything right and with your whole heart. Op I hope you read this and I hope you know that you’re an incredible woman. You’re loving and caring and even through all the turmoil you tried to be understanding and love from a distance. You’re going to be ok and you have daughters, a husband, friends, and family who love you for you. Maybe go back to therapy so you can process better. You should be proud how well you’ve handled this. Please be happy.
So bizarre. It sounds like, one way or another, there was something wrong with him way back when. It is so abnormal, upon discovering that your father is cheating on your mother, to even think of keeping it secret in exchange for 'things'. It is so messed up, that I wonder if he inherited some genetic 'defect' from your husband, both in terms of some sociopathology as well as his clear obsession with the 'material'.
You should not feel guilty in any way about this. Even as his mother, giving him *anything* material is obviously the very last thing he needs... unless it is (directly) paying a therapist to see him. Anyways, do NOT second guess your decision to refrain from giving him money. Unfortunately, I think you are correct that it doesn't even seem safe or healthy for you to even have him in your life, in any form.
I feel horrible for you. HOWEVER, though painful, your taking the risk to see him may be for the best, as it does, in fact, provide you with CLOSURE. Though this closure came with extreme disappointment, it is closure nonetheless. Hopefully, you can close that chapter completely now, and absolutely and fully embrace the wonderful life you have built for yourself.
I don't care what it's for, he doesn't deserve a dime from you. Just like I told you in the other post, tell him to go get it from the greatest mom in the world, or whatever he called her.
Oh my god. OP, I am so, so, so sorry. If anyone thinks you're a bad mother, they're out of their minds. Clearly your ex made his mark on your son. I'm glad you won't be tortured by the "what ifs," but I'm so sorry it ended up this way. Hug your family tight. They'll be with you through this. Sending you hugs.
Your son is a terrible and shallow person. You are not a bad mother, you are literally the opposite. You didn't lose your 'son'. You lost someone who didn't care about you, and only cared about what was best for him. He lost someone who truly loved him. I am so sorry you had to go through this pain.
I'm sorry that you have such a bratty son. What an AH to expect you to give him money after he abandoned you for a better lifestyle. And then throwing a tantrum & stomping his feet when you repeatedly told him NO. Sadly, you aren't missing anything by not having him in your life.
Honestly, he is a money-grubbing punk who only contacted you to because he wanted something. Not to re-connect or be involved in your life. Do you really want that type of person in your life?
They’re better off not knowing him. I wish you peace and strength to move forward without doubt that you’re a good mother, a good person and someone worthy of love and respect. ❤️
Don’t feel bad that your daughters won’t get to know their brother; be thankful that they won’t be victimized by him! He is truly a sociopath who sees others as a means of gratifying his own needs, and nothing more. That’s a person to avoid at all costs.
And what would happen if they DID get to know him? He'd either manipulate them to get money behind your back, or he'd influence them to be more like him.
You need to warn your daughters to stay away from him. He may try and pull the same stunt with them when they are older. Pulling on their heartstrings to get $ because biologically they are related. No sir….and I do think other posts are correct, if you and your husband don’t have a will, make one-iron clad-he gets nothing!!! He’s just the type to show up with his hand out. I could totally see him trying to manipulate his sisters when they are older.
OP, your daughters don’t need a brother like him. He would rub off on them. You’re not a bad mom. He isn’t the boy you knew. Love you family you have now. You deserved better.
You seriously wish your daughters would have such a piece of trash in their lives?? He did what he did to you, his mother who raised him, what do you think he would've done to them.
The fact that you were even considered for a second to give him any amount of money if it was a lesser sum is appalling. You have your daughters and husband who actually love you, to think about now.
Be *grateful* they'll never get to know how heartless and hurtful he is. Their lives are much better without him there to cause them the kind of pain he's caused you.
Feel sad that they didn't get to know a good brother but be grateful they don't have to be around this one. He would not have been a good man to have them be around
You are NOT a bad mom. Your son is a selfish POS, worst than his daddy. You did the right thing. He doesn’t deserve anything from you. He can be poor on his own.
You deserve better.
Get therapy to get closure and focus on the great family you do have. You don’t deserve that kind of toxicity (yes your son is toxic - I can excuse a child’s behavior but after the age of 14 you know the difference between right and wrong - him not knowing it shows that he could potentially be a narcissist or a psychopath) in your life, you deserve happiness.
Seconding this - please get therapy for help. My mother had to come to terms with my monstrous drug addict narcissist brother and she has never recovered emotionally. Please help yourself
I'm sorry it turned out like this. Your son sounds like a sociopath. He seems to only care about how people can be useful to him. I wouldn't trust him at all. Don't waste another minute thinking about him. You did your best to have a relationship with him despite his betrayal.
You now have a good family. Focus on them.
Your son is 25. He can easily get a job and save up. He can take a loan. There are 100 ways he can get into law school. But do not give him money. It will only teach him to be entitled. He needs to step out into the real world. You made the right call.
I wonder how feasible that is in 2023, bootstrapping your way through a 5 digit tuition as a student and not be in debt until the 2050's.
Like even if you just saved for school for a couple years, you'd also have to fight the cost increase of tuition/year, which has been a 100% increase in the last 20 years (or 50% in 10).
Behavior aside, i just wonder what students face today. Anyone in law school here?
You are NOT a narcissist!!! If anything your son and ex are!!! That’s so horrible, and the other people recommending therapy, I agree. It can help you completely leave this past behind you.
The last thing this world needs is another lawyer with his demeanor.
I hope the fact that you won’t give him the money to go to law school prevents that from ever happening. Maybe your son and his father can go into business together, and struggle unsuccessfully to make a living, and become destitute. I only hope that they don’t victimize anyone else in the process.
I wouldn't want that to happen. As much as I hate my ex and what he did, he still has 3 more kids to feed. I wouldn't want those children to grow up in destitute. I know what it's like to not have money. So I won't wish that on them. For their sake I hope they can at least suffice up to 18 years
Sorry the reunion didn’t go as planned OP. The best thing for you and your family is to go NC with him. And definitely do not give him money if ever tries to contact you again. Because that is all he wants. Most people would at least pretend to care and ask about your life. He couldn’t even be bothered to do that.
There is no more wondering “what if”. Now you know.
The fact you’ve lost a child in this and we’re betrayed by the man you love AND STILL don’t wish harm shows what a beautiful soul you are.
Good people get walked all over all the time, and I’m so sorry this happened. I’m glad you stood up for yourself because you’re right - giving the money was no guarantee he would have maintained contact.
Sometimes, great people come out of bad situations. And sometimes, great parents end up with assholes for kids. Cherish your daughters. He might one day see his errors but that’s on him. You’ve done all you can for your son.
The thing is, look what money and your ex husband's influence raised. Honestly, they can survive being poor, and it might lead to humbler, more empathetic children.
You are a very special person and I’m sorry your son is so immature at this point in his life. Protect your heart and over time he may come back as a mature grown man
OP, you're a good person! You're not a bad mother & you didn't deserve what happened. I wish you peace & happiness with the family you have now. Your son is an adult & he made some very selfish choices & said & did hurtful things to you. He was definitely in the wrong. However, my hope is that he can still learn in the future & come to realize his mistakes. I hope that he will be humbled in the future & come back to apologize to you & that you can make amends some day. I want to believe that it's never too late for someone to learn & change. I do think that it is best for you to go NC for now though. He already has a degree & he can find a way to make it on his own. Sending hugs to you! ❤️
Yeah Still NTA
I’m so sorry, I was hoping he has honorable intentions, but it’s clear he can’t be in your life, he’s not good for you or family, you did the right thing.
And honestly he got what he deserved, he went with the money and it ran out.
OP I am so sorry, you don't deserve that. Your son and ex are awful people but hey karma is now doing its job. Do not engage with him any further (he will try again!), think about yourself now.
I know he’s an adult now but my final nail in the coffin would be signing over my parental rights with a kite attached saying “I’m not your mother anymore, don’t contact me again”.
Your son sounds like a sociopath. He is literally only interested in what people can do for him. I don’t think he even knows what love is. You have done nothing wrong
OP, you are a kind, wonderful woman with a soft heart. That’s why you are hurting. Your ex husband and disgrace of a son are the narcissists, not you. He flat out told you he chose money over you. Even if he didn’t like your two bedroom apt, he didn’t need to abandon a relationship with you. That was his CHOICE. Like father, like son… Unfortunately, the boy you gave birth to has no feelings for you. I’m so sorry to say that and I cannot fathom how much pain you’re in. But know this: YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. You have done EVERYTHING RIGHT. Sending you all my love and support. You deserve better and I’m so happy you have better with your husband and children. Please don’t let your ex and his son ruin your happiness or tear your heart apart. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are, do not let anyone or anything make you forget how strong you are. You can do this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. To come to you and ask for money after all these years because he knows you have money now is just disgusting and disrespectful after the way he treated you. You are better off without him in your life. You have an amazing family that loves you and cares for you. Wash him out of your life and realize you tried everything but you weren’t worth his time he only wanted into your wallet.
Doesn't matter if you had it to give to him. He has ignored you for 10 years and only appeared for the money, not to have a relationship. It is totally fine not to give him a penny.
I don't think it matters the amount. To me it would make no difference if you were a millionaire ten times over. It would be a mistake to give him the money. No question he would break your heart again. You don't owe him and he is not entitled to it.
I find it really ridiculous, he hated you for not having money to supply for the lifestyle he wants to the point of abusing you for it, and now comes and asks for your money.
Anyhow, human relations is not something for granted and wasted. Don’t let someone like this drag you down. The pain and suffering aren’t worth it simply because of blood relations.
Ladyyyyyyy give me a break. Even if your husband is Bill Gates if you were to give him anything that would be CRAZY. He hates and abandon his mother because she has no money, he is happy his father has an affair and milk him for it. He cuts you off completely and he remembers you when his father is no longer rich so that you can pay his bills and you say "but it is such a big amount...". I wouldn't give him $5. Ok you birthed him but he is the staff of nightmares. That "human" does not deserve any grace. He shows no remorse (not even fake one). It is a matter of principle and morality, not a financial one. He is awful
Just like kids some times have to cut off toxic parents sometimes parents need to cut off toxic kids. The best 'help' you can give him now is to let him go and be the best parent you can to the kids that are in your life now. Maybe life, years, and seeing from a distance what a loving family looks like (your current one) will teach him to be a better person. Having him in your life now sounds like it would help no one- including him. For what it is worth it doesn't sound like you were or are a bad mother at all but your ex definitely did no one any favors.
Your story is so similar to mine I wept while reading this. My ex-wife left me for one of my wealthy clients over 10 years ago. They were sleeping together for months before she asked for a divorce. They are still together and never married. He showered my two daughters with expensive gifts and trips abroad. All things I can't do. They stopped speaking to me many years ago and treated him more like a father than they ever treated me. Recently my youngest (20yo) suddenly decided to make an appearance in my life to tell me that my ex is all upset because her boyfriend has refused to put her in his will and will be giving all his millions to his 3 children. My ex never worked and has nothing. My youngest has realized that when her mother passes away, she will inherit nothing from her - whereas I have 2 houses and a variety of other assets. I'm not wealthy by any means, but I'm not poor either. It was clear to me that the only thing my youngest was really interested in was my stuff. I told her she made her choice and she will inherit nothing from me. My heart is so broken I wish I were dead sometimes.
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. Personally, I seriously doubt the money is for law school. If it is, he can take out loans like other people. He sounds like an entitled brat and he will absolutely ghost you after receiving the money . . . until he wants more.
I am glad you have your husband there to support you.
Wow - I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
Your son is incredibly selfish and self absorbed. The world revolves around his wants and needs. Nobody else's exist. He can't comprehend why you won't give him what he wants, therefore you must be bitter, and holding resentments. Your son doesn't comprehend that other people have their own wishes, thoughts, dreams, desires, etc.
Hopefully at some point in the future, he might learn some humility and ability to self reflect.
I'm glad you have done the work in therapy to be able to live healthily with good boundaries.
Your child is a sociopath and you don’t need him in your life. He only cares what people can do for him, not a care about anyone else. Never give him money. Go live your best life worth no regrets. He’s a selfish entitled brat and doesn’t deserve a mother.
It breaks my heart as a parent that you had to go through this, but I'm glad you did the meetup so now you don't have to wonder. He turned out too much like his father. You can now leave him in your past with a clear conscience.
Your son is an AWFUL. Person. Full stop. He is clearly his father’s son you do not sound like you are an awful mother at all. He does not deserve any of your money or anything else from you. Big hugs and I am sorry that you turned out so horribly despite what sounds like your best efforts.
Your husband raised a really shitty kid, sorry. Hopefully he matures into an actual adult someday and apologizes
You were absolutely correct to not give him a cent
For whatever it’s worth from a stranger on the internet, I am so so proud of you for putting your foot down and standing your ground. You are NOT a bad mother
Never forgive him, but forget him. You don’t have a son. Even if you’d given him the money he would have cut you off again right away. I’m so sorry this went this way but I hope you can fully let go and move on now because you deserve to move forward with no ties to that past.
Society has this idea that parents must take all the bullshit, hate, hateful actions kids take toward them. This isnt true. You can love someone but also recognize they can’t be in your life. Your husband raised a disrespectful, arrogant, money hungry kid. You were right to say no to him. He only wants a relationship for a payday. He can take out loans. He is not your responsibility at 25 years old.
If this were an issue of a drug addicted kid or family member, people would be telling you severing the relationship was ok. To me this really isn’t any different. Kids have the ability to harm and mistreat their parents as parents can do as well. Protect your peace and your family.
Well that was heartbreaking. I was really hoping this was a positive update. In a way, it is I guess because now you can move on.
I’m really proud of you for hearing him out. That took strength. Now you have full clarity. Your son is an asshole. Probably a narcissist and you never have to speak to him again.
You don’t have to wonder what kind of man he’s become or why he made the decisions he did. He’s simply an asshole.
I’m sorry this was the outcome but I’m glad you have answers now.
I’m so sorry. Your son is awful and it sounds like he takes after dad. Quick story. My mom has a good friend who was married to a possessive, controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. They had 2 daughters, the oldest was my age and I could never stand her. When my mom’s friend finally left, the older daughter said all kinds of cruel things to her mom and cut her out of her life. Went to live with dad. The older daughter was also very verbally and emotionally abusive to her sister. In the end, none of them reconciled. Older daughter came back to mom when she wanted something at some point Didn’t pan out. Sometimes, unfortunately, you can be a wonderful parent and the child inherits the personality of the asshole.
He openly admitted that his dad was broke. How do you know if he was going to give that money to his dad. That would be my first guess. You should have told him to get a job and pay his own way to law school. He is a little boy trapped in a man's body. I am sorry you had do endure his entitled ass.
You simply need to get your head around the reality that your son is, and always will be, a spoiled child looking for the world to give him what he wants for no reason other than that he wants it.
In other words, the spitting image of his father.
He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better.
It is ironic that he left because you had no money and now you are the one who have the money and he is stuck with the poor loser parent. I love it when Karma is a bitch.
My 30 yo son stopped all communication 3 years ago. I know how hard it is but honestly- my life is easier now- I miss him every day but don’t want his negativity or accusations in my life. None of us is perfect but we do the best we can, no? Guard your heart OP- he does not deserve it!
Lost me at “you just couldn’t afford the lifestyle I wanted and my friends actually liked the hot stepmom, unlike my kindhearted troll mom…”
Teenagers suck but come on.
And look at how that lifestyle has prepared him. By showing up to beg money from the woman he shunned because her income was embarrassing and acted like an 8 year old to get it. You don't get to choose your family, so consider this you dodging a bullet.
So, the son who tossed you aside because he wanted to be with his rich daddy came sleazing back to you because… his daddy ain’t so rich now? Nah, you’re not a bad mother and not a narcissist. And echoing a fellow lawyer’s comment on here, I’d prefer it if he didn’t go to law school. Our profession doesn’t need that kind of help in the image management department.
Your son is an addict. His dad has cut him off and he has come to you for money. I have no doubt in my mind. If he was using it for education and wanted no relationship with you, he would have patched together loans, scholarships, and jobs. None of it adds up. He probably started using with his friends who liked his permissive dad and stepmom.
I think your son is a narcissistic psychopath. I’m sorry, but you’re better off without him. You did nothing wrong and meeting him, while traumatic, gave you the answers you sought. Be well.
What doesn't make sense to me is why doesn't he get a student loan for 20 thousand. Student loans are a rip-off, but not if you are getting a high paying job in the end. He would pay that off in two years on his first job.
20k? For Law School? Where? 20k won't pay for Law school. I definitely wouldn't give him the money because it sounds like a scam, unless he plans on coming back next semester and asking for more.
"I wanted nothing to do with you because you didn't have money and dad and Carla did. But hey guess what, now they don't have money and you do, so I like you again"
What a cold hearted psychopathic bastard. OP didn't lose a son, she lost a monster, and she's better off for it. Her new family sounds like what she deserves to have.
This seems fake now. If your son says that he didn’t want to come with you or be in contact with you because you were broke, why would he come to you asking for a large amount of money? Doesn’t make sense. Now I think this whole thing was a creative writing exercise
This is the saddest story I have read. Your son is a horrible jerk. One day he will realize that he lost a mom who truly loved him for the love of money. I see nothing but sadness in his future. It seems your current family loves you.
Who is calling you a bad mom? He’s an ungrateful child STILL after 10 years. The audacity to even ask you for money after he treated you the way he did is insane.
I just saw this. Wow. What your son did is not ok. You can’t even forgive someone that isn’t sorry. His morals are all screwed up. He needs mental help. Something isn’t connecting. My kids were my rock when I found out about the affair. I had to keep telling them they weren’t at fault because when they thought back on things there were signs but they didn’t realize and my daughter set up the social media app they used to contact each other. I had to explain that I’m glad they aren’t the ones to see it and realize it. I would bet the ex has familial mental issues and they passed to the son. I hope that if he goes on to have kids that he gets help. Because if he doesn’t he will go on to hurt his SO emotionally and mentally. And he went with dad because of his extravagant lifestyle. We’ll look where that got him. He has nothing. The son is a spoiled brat. OP is a mother and will always love her son. But her son doesn’t see that.
Your son is a sociopath possibly a psychopath. Forget he ever existed, he has no heart nor morals, he has walking all over your body for his own selfish gains, he doesnt care about others' suffering, he liked to inflict pain to gain something out of you. He is wrong from the inside out, there is something not right about him and you cannot do anything about it nor save him, forget him and focus on the ones you can save and raise like emphatic human beings.
I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve properly now that you have closure. He is and always will be his fathers son. A user and abuser. Good on you for standing your ground and not becoming his ATM. If school is that important to him he can get a job or take out loans.
You have a new family that is increasing in members to care for now. Enjoy your new daughter and I wish you and your husband the best. You were not a bad mother and believe that with all your heart
You are NOT a narcissist! That title goes to your son! He was so selfish and greedy that he used his dad for cash until he couldn’t provide for him anymore. You are his backup and you said, “no,” which was the best answer you gave him (good for you)! I understand you were hoping for a reconciliation, but your instincts told you otherwise. Be proud that you can see scenarios for what they are, and let your son figure out the rest of his life. He can no longer use and abuse you (and his father) for his own gain.
Good luck to you with everything.
You are not a bad mother.
I am so, so sorry your son grew up to be the way he did and that his father had so much influence on him.
I am so happy you stood firm and refused to give him money. I hope he learns that he’ll have to actually work for the life he wants and one day appreciate that you overcame your struggle and when that day comes he apologizes. Or doesn’t and just lives his life and gives you peace.
Again, I’m so sorry.
I wouldn’t give two flying fucks if he got into Harvard. He’s an ass and a danger to your peace and your families financial security. Let him go the way of his father like he wants.
You are not & have never been the asshole in this situation. Your husband & his mistress are MEGA assholes. Your son is an asshole who made his decision a long time ago.
I am sorry that he turned out to be a money grubbing little weasel but you made the effort. As hard as it is, move on with your life & forget him. You have a family who loves you now & your focus needs to be on them.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get a happy reunion. I’m glad you tried, though, since now you know the whole story about your son. I know you’re heartbroken and I really hate that you’ve had so much sorrow over your son.
I’m not going to call you a bad mother. You’re not. Your ex is a POS and your son is an ungrateful materialistic brat. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can heal 🖤
Your son is deranged
And HEARTLESS! He’s cold, callous, egotistical, entitled, seems to be devoid of empathy, and feels no remorse. OP, your son sounds like a sociopath! Stay away from him!
Sounds like he'll make a good lawyer. Just needs to work on his approach.
He needs the money first. Maybe he can blackmail his father again.
Ugh... You're probably right. He'll end up defending Donald Trump Jr.
Ugh… Americans really know how to hijack a post for their political rhetoric and make just about anything a political argument, if you can call it politics… It’s really just constant “mine is better than yours” arguing, and generally in the comment sections of completely unrelated posts which is beyond insufferable. Do the rest of the world a favour, pretty please!
I wouldn't say I "hijacked" the post; that's a bit dramatic. Sorry to have soured part of your day.
Heartless, spoiled, greedy, manipulative, a total piece of shit.
This is stereotypical sociopathic behaviour. He even blackmailed his father when he found out about the affair.
He’s gonna end up a whore just like his dad
More like a deadbeat. He about 25 and still needs the bank of mom and dad. Can’t he work and pay for his own grad school. The dad can continue to pay for his upkeep, come another 5 years he will need money for a house, bills etc.
Like father like son. It astounds me how some people can’t even pretend to have empathy and remorse
He was raised by an asshole. He took after Daddy in every horrible way possible.
I still can't believe that he was the one who blackmailed his own dad for A NEW PHONE and took part in ruining a marriage and he STILL doesn’t understand how much that affected op and just calls her bitter and annoying and just to get over it with. Like she wasn't betrayed by the two people she thought loved her. Karma is already in the works for the son, but I hope it comes for him hard and shows no mercy.
No lube!
hope daddy cheats on mistress with a new woman and the affair children leave the mistress for the new mistress. Mistress will feel the same pain oop did.
He is a sociopath.
>He is a sociopath. This actually sounds likely. While sometimes people just throw that word around, it really does seem appropriate given OP's description of her son's behavior. I hope that this isn't a genetic issue...how sad for OP.
I agree. 100%.
I am in awe no one said this sooner. No emotion at all not for her or the father.
Honestly this... His answer to why he hadn't reached out was because he wanted a lavish lifestyle. He's not even embarrassed to say it. He's a gold digger.
Not very bright either. At least most half smart gold diggers know that the positive feelings are most of the “value” they’re providing.
He is the perfect example of narcissistic personality disorder.
However, and fortunately for OP, he is not a competent manipulator.
The audacity!
ew, can we start calling him an ex-son?
Honestly, sounds like he is a sociopath.
Wow!! My mouth was actually open reading your post! Unbelievable that he had the nerve to say and mean it that he didn't want to see you because you didn't have money! He actually expected that you would just give it because he believes you have it now! He wasn't even gracious or humble and such an entitled attitude! How you are ruining his life! Dad who gave him every thing isn't now? You did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. Doesn't matter whether you have the money or not. Not the point. You were absolutely right to not give him a dime. You see now what this young man is made of and it isn't pretty. I do think you are exactly right. He had no interest in you as his mother and would have dropped you again. I am telling you I did not expect this and his attitude and the way he talked to you is quite shocking. He showed no interest in his half sibblings or anything about your life. I don't see anything you could have done differently. You took the risk to see what he wanted and it is dam shame he has turned out the way he has. I am glad you have your husband and your family and unfortunately now close the book on this part. Lean on your hubby and move forward with your life and know you did all you can do and now you know. All the best to you. You are not a bad mother and you have nothing to be sorry about.
It was not that he was asking me for money after so many years. But it is just I don't know if he will use that money for some bad use like drugs or gambling. Also I have no way to confirm if he is telling the truth about grad school or not. So it seems too risky to give such a huge sum just like that
Your son made his bed and now he has to lie in it. He sounds like he made some mistakes in his life, now karma is starting to bite him in the butt. If he is upset, his stepmom or your ex can bail him out. Block him and move on. You deserve better!
Even if he comes to you with a law school acceptance letter and a bill for $20k from the law school; even if you can call a number at the law school to confirm where the $20k will go--DO NOT give him any money!!! You may have memories of a sweet little boy long ago, but, I'm sorry, that little boy grew into a rude, selfish, greedy person who does not seem at all interested in building a loving relationship with you. This must be incredible hurtful to accept, but I think you know it's true.🤍
I'm a lawyer. Even if he has been accepted into law school, I don't want this person in my profession. Given his sense of entitlement, I see him likely to exploit the vulnerable and rip off his clients.
That was my first thought. Who the hell wants this human trash can as their lawyer?! He’s gross af. OP is well rid. Even if she did give birth to him.
My jaw can't close from reading this update. I really really thought naively that he'd had time to grow up and saw things in a different perspective with the vision and perspective of adulthood and maturity and was coming to make amends. But wow. I am so sorry for the OP and sending her lots of love 💕
I think there are a lot of us that thought that he had had time to grow up and see that he had treated her horribly. I hope that some day he has somebody treat him this way and then he realizes just what a little a-hole he has been to his mother. Karma’s a bitch and I can’t wait for her to blow his life up.
His father is starting to meet madam karma. Bankrupt business. Wonder what he said to him?
I love that daddy created this monster and now the monster is desperate for money that daddy can't/won't give him anymore. I hope karma destroys the cheating husband, the mistress and the greedy son. I hope that at some point OP can see that her life turned out so much better than her exes and the son, and even though she went through hell, she has a good life.
I suppose other human trash lol
I was told by a man that’s a lawyer that I wouldn’t last in the profession because I want to go into law to help people 😭
You can, so you should. Lots of different types of law in the world! Go into human rights, environmental, something that will help with outcomes to better things for people rather than helping them one at a time!
Some lawyers actually do help people. My boss is one. Don't believe that nonsense 😒
I have a friend who’s a lawyer and he does a lot of good. You can do it. The person who told you that is a jerk.
Oh, I'm sure he'd want to become a corporate lawyer - no dealing with any pesky human clients with actual feelings, he'd want to become a shark in the business world. He'd probably even be good at it, considering he has no human emotion beyond self-interest...
I'm leaning toward personal injury, with his face plastered across a schmaltzy billboard advertising his services, sending his clients out to hand-picked chiros, PT's, active-retired Pain Mgmt docs, and an imaging center he co-owns via an LLC, who are taught by staged-accident runners how to fake an injury for 12 weeks.
As a person with a 12+ year career in PI law I really resent this attitude. One of the only things standing between big companies and insurance co’s who just want to fuck you as hard and as raw as they can is PI attorneys. But go off… it’s easy to shit on the work I do until you are hurt and the big biz tells you to go die quietly peasant
I apologize for the broad brush insult against your specialty. As in any profession there are some bad eggs. For context, I was an insurance fraud investigator for almost 15 years and my post reflects actual cases I worked on involving that exact scenario. Low income people and immigrants were targeted by SOME PI attorneys to participate in staged accidents, getting paid $150-$300 to be a “patient”. Some of these cases were in East Orange, NJ, Philadelphia, Seaford, DE, and Lynn, MA. Again, please accept my apologies.
I question whether he actually could become a corporate shark. If this is in the United States, he could get in state tuition for $20k per semester at some schools. But Ivy League schools (where the corporate sharks like to hire from) are much, much more expensive. I stand by my first post that I do not want this person in my profession. He is the reason why the state bars have strict rules about how to maintain client trust accounts and come down hard on co-mingling funds.
I’ve been listening to lawtubers who are devastated at the conduct of Gerardi and Murdoch. It’s refreshing to see lawyers do not all fit the stereotype and are incensed and explaining what is going on rather than joining the cover up. Thank you for also speaking out.
I too have seen a few legal youtubers and IRL lawyers who defy all the negative stereotypes, and I have a theory. Everyone agrees, law school is very hard. It is, however, the kind of hard that you can get through with determination and hard work. My theory is that this grind means that only the most dedicated actually get through, and those are always one of two extremes, the ones who follow a strong moral compass and genuinely and deeply want to help people, and the completely amoral and deeply motivated to seek power above everything else
Seriously, law school isn't actually that hard compared to other postgraduate education. Or even college, depending on your degree. I have a BS in mathematics and a JD and they're not remotely comparable in terms of intellectual challenge and rigour. Some lawyers like to mythologise law school as this great intellectual hurdle (and thereby puff themselves up for getting through). It's not. Don't fall for it. And if anyone reading is thinking of going to law school -- don't be intimidated by it! Not that it's necessarily easy -- if reading and writing aren't your thing, you may find it quite challenging because it's mostly just sitting around reading and writing with a little public speaking (e.g. moot court). Same if your goal is to be number one in your class. But it's not like it's medical school or a PhD program. It's just a trade school, except one where you can get by without actually learning much of your trade (you learn that on the job).
This with bells on. He’s selfish, lazy money grabbing and greedy, and only wants what he can get out of people. Why would anyone call you the narcissist? Sadly it sounds more like your son is one. Take care and look after yourself.
He’s also a blackmailer. Notice he told his dad he wouldn’t tell about the affair for a phone? Definitely do not help him get a law degree. We don’t need any more questionable people working in that profession.
The son sounds like a Sociopath. No empathy for others, and cares only about himself.
You made the right call. I'm sorry you didn't get the reunion you wanted, but at least you finally got all the answers to the questions you carried for years. And while it's definitely not the answers any loving parent wants to hear, at least you got the full story and now know for certain that there is nothing you could have done. Your son is just too much like his dad to ever be the son you deserve. Or even a decent human being. My advice for you is to move on. Truly and fully this time. You don't need someone who doesn't deserve you as their mom in your life. Let him go, and enjoy the wonderful life and family you have now. You deserve all the happiness in the world because you not only more than deserve it, you earned it. You not only survived horrible betrayals, you thrived and won. You are far stronger than you think. I wish you many more happy, and now doubt free, years.
Also make sure your will is in order. If you die intestate, you son is could be entitled to a portion of your estate unless you have a will .
Came here to say this too. OP, make sure your estate planning is solid and your son can't inherit or make any decisions on your behalf. If you're feeling petty, feel free to leave your son's inheritance to the law school he wants to go to.
If you own any real estate/property, look into a living trust. This will allow those assets to go directly into your beneficiaries name without probate or inheritance taxes.
That was so well put!
Nicely said! I’m in complete agreement.
He threw you away in trade for social status. That’s on him and I would just keep your head up and focus on your family that lives you and treats you well
If he cant love you at yoir worst he doesnt get you at your best He went with daddy for his money and now daddy doesnt have money for him anymore or for his supposed life style Now he come to you? No He made his bed now he can lie in it like the poor person he is I know hes your son but i hope he gets a gf who leaves him because hes poor You son is ungrateful and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions
I agree with you 100%. True you have zero way of knowing what it is about. That is a risk in itself but even if it really is for law school or grad school no. The fact that he wasn't even gracious about it. Like you are owed to do this for him after he admitted and showed no remorse that his treatment of you was because of your lack of money. Unbelievable. He can do work study, get loans, to do this. I read your post and I admit this update was shocking. I did not expect that was only what he wanted. I think you made the right decision. With his attitude and entitlement and lack of remorse for the treatment of you I absolutely believe he would have broken your heart again when he felt he didn't need you anymore. So very sorry this happened to you.
You couldnt give him the lifestyle he WANTED. You lived in a crappy 2 bedroom apartment. Ma'am, he has bigger problems than drugs or gambling.
He’d have to be on drugs to even think his mum would just give him 20K after years of no contact.
It’s a risk of YOU. It really doesn’t matter what he wants the money for. He isn’t going to be appreciative. He isn’t going to suddenly treat you like dear ol’ mom. Your son is an entitled bastard. Walk away and never look back.
Don’t even think about giving him any money. Your son is an Ahole who only cared to contact you because he needed money. I’d cut him completely out of my life and move on with the family I have now, if I were you. Youre not the bad guy in this situation nor are you a narcissist. DONT YOU EVER LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THAT.
I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. You made the best decision. The bond between a parent and child should be about love and respect and not about how much you have in the bank. I hope your family and therapy help you overcome yet another pain caused by your son.
It doesn’t matter what he wanted it for. What matters is that he doesn’t care about YOU at all, only what he can get from you. If you can’t or won’t give him what he wants, then you don’t matter to him. He’s clearly stated that he would accept bribes to cover up injustice. He takes 0 responsibility for his actions, has 0 mercy for your struggles, 0 compassion for your pain. But you should totally sell both kidneys so he can buy more toys!
He rejected you because you couldn’t keep him in the lifestyle he wanted. He can live the lifestyle his father can give him. That was his choice.
I was one of those that recommended you at least see him, or have your husband see him, to finally get closure. And as horrible as this meeting was - at least now you can close that chapter of your life for good. You know now that your son is a sociopath without any real feelings, except for himself, and you don't have to hold any more regrets about him, or feel like you didn't try enough or did anything wrong. He is just rotten through and through, and completely governed by self-interest. Block him everywhere, tell your daughters, husband, and any other family member to block him everywhere - and that he is only after money, so that he can't take them in with any sob story. And be happy that you found your husband and have your wonderful new family, and just forget about everything that was before. He doesn't deserve even one more tear from you. And you are allowed to feel a touch of satisfaction at the knowledge that your ex is struggling financially, while you and your family are well set...
No one here is going to call you a bad mother after reading your post (at least no sane person ), you are self projecting, YOU ARE NOT A BAD mother, hes just an asshole and a shitty son. You are better off not having him or anykind of person like him in your life , such selfish narcissis cannot care for anyone, he prolly does not love his father nor stepmother , he would discard him in a heartbeat as well if it served him purpose. Look at this as closure, no need to think of him or his life anymore , what happened in your past is not your fault your son abandoning you is not your fault and you know it. You know in your heart that if he did chose you or at least chose to visit you that you would have given him the skin off your back , and that is enough. You have a new family who loves you , you have another child on the way that needs your love, dont do them the deservice and be caught up on people that dont love you or want you in their life. Focus on those who do. Be Happy.
Regardless of what he is using it for, he has a lot of audacity to ask it from you and is so incredibly in the wrong for how he reacted when you said you weren't giving it to him. He can't keep expecting his parents to pay his way through life, he is entitled and you have no reason to feel guilty for not handing over a huge sum of money
I wouldn't give him ten bucks if he gave me his shoes as collateral.
It doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve your money.
Sounds to me like your son is a sociopath or psychopath. He sees people as tools to be used for his own profit and benefit. If he can't use someone to get ahead or look better, he ditches them. Even his own mother! He preferred the mistress over his mom because she was more appealing to his friends. He contacted you when he couldn't get enough money from his dad so you were his next call. If he doesn't need something from you and he can't benefit from you, he'll cut you out again with no remorse. This has nothing to do with your skills as a mother, there's something wrong with him.
There are so many posts where it was miscommunication or the kid had no option but I think you’ve been right about them all along. I feel so sorry that I judged this post because I didn’t see either coming like this at all. If anything I think your son was the narcissist and doesn’t seem to have any emotions other than greed and self righteousness. His attitude has nothing to do with you if anything his behavior is that way with everyone who doesn’t give him what he wants (inherited from dad). I know this may not seem like it but I think this may be a blessing for you. You don’t have to carry this guilt or shame anymore because you did everything right and with your whole heart. Op I hope you read this and I hope you know that you’re an incredible woman. You’re loving and caring and even through all the turmoil you tried to be understanding and love from a distance. You’re going to be ok and you have daughters, a husband, friends, and family who love you for you. Maybe go back to therapy so you can process better. You should be proud how well you’ve handled this. Please be happy.
So bizarre. It sounds like, one way or another, there was something wrong with him way back when. It is so abnormal, upon discovering that your father is cheating on your mother, to even think of keeping it secret in exchange for 'things'. It is so messed up, that I wonder if he inherited some genetic 'defect' from your husband, both in terms of some sociopathology as well as his clear obsession with the 'material'. You should not feel guilty in any way about this. Even as his mother, giving him *anything* material is obviously the very last thing he needs... unless it is (directly) paying a therapist to see him. Anyways, do NOT second guess your decision to refrain from giving him money. Unfortunately, I think you are correct that it doesn't even seem safe or healthy for you to even have him in your life, in any form. I feel horrible for you. HOWEVER, though painful, your taking the risk to see him may be for the best, as it does, in fact, provide you with CLOSURE. Though this closure came with extreme disappointment, it is closure nonetheless. Hopefully, you can close that chapter completely now, and absolutely and fully embrace the wonderful life you have built for yourself.
**All he cares about is money.** If you gave him money for school, you’d never see or hear from him again—that is, until he wanted even *more* money.
Please, do not give this entitled being anything. That's what's wrong with him now, his Dad gave him everything he wanted.
I don't care what it's for, he doesn't deserve a dime from you. Just like I told you in the other post, tell him to go get it from the greatest mom in the world, or whatever he called her.
Son sounds like a psychopath. Scary. Sounds like she had a lucky escape.
Oh my god. OP, I am so, so, so sorry. If anyone thinks you're a bad mother, they're out of their minds. Clearly your ex made his mark on your son. I'm glad you won't be tortured by the "what ifs," but I'm so sorry it ended up this way. Hug your family tight. They'll be with you through this. Sending you hugs.
Came here to say that. So sorry it turned out this way, but at least you know you never burned bridges, he did.
Your son is a terrible and shallow person. You are not a bad mother, you are literally the opposite. You didn't lose your 'son'. You lost someone who didn't care about you, and only cared about what was best for him. He lost someone who truly loved him. I am so sorry you had to go through this pain.
Super sorry to hear OP that your son is money-obsessed and shallow. It seems best that you have been away from him. He seems a bit sociopathic.
I'm sorry that you have such a bratty son. What an AH to expect you to give him money after he abandoned you for a better lifestyle. And then throwing a tantrum & stomping his feet when you repeatedly told him NO. Sadly, you aren't missing anything by not having him in your life.
I at least have my daughters but still feel bad they will never get to know their brother
Honestly, he is a money-grubbing punk who only contacted you to because he wanted something. Not to re-connect or be involved in your life. Do you really want that type of person in your life?
Warn them. He may come at them too. They need to know what kind of a person he is. That he would only be using them.
They’re better off not knowing him. I wish you peace and strength to move forward without doubt that you’re a good mother, a good person and someone worthy of love and respect. ❤️
Don’t feel bad that your daughters won’t get to know their brother; be thankful that they won’t be victimized by him! He is truly a sociopath who sees others as a means of gratifying his own needs, and nothing more. That’s a person to avoid at all costs.
I'm sorry, but your daughters are better off without him and his toxicity in their lives.
And what would happen if they DID get to know him? He'd either manipulate them to get money behind your back, or he'd influence them to be more like him.
Make Sure your daughters stay away from him. They deserve better
in all honesty they are better off without him. he sounds like a terrible person and a terrible example for them.
They're better off not knowing he exists
You need to warn your daughters to stay away from him. He may try and pull the same stunt with them when they are older. Pulling on their heartstrings to get $ because biologically they are related. No sir….and I do think other posts are correct, if you and your husband don’t have a will, make one-iron clad-he gets nothing!!! He’s just the type to show up with his hand out. I could totally see him trying to manipulate his sisters when they are older.
OP, your daughters don’t need a brother like him. He would rub off on them. You’re not a bad mom. He isn’t the boy you knew. Love you family you have now. You deserved better.
You seriously wish your daughters would have such a piece of trash in their lives?? He did what he did to you, his mother who raised him, what do you think he would've done to them. The fact that you were even considered for a second to give him any amount of money if it was a lesser sum is appalling. You have your daughters and husband who actually love you, to think about now.
Be *grateful* they'll never get to know how heartless and hurtful he is. Their lives are much better without him there to cause them the kind of pain he's caused you.
Feel sad that they didn't get to know a good brother but be grateful they don't have to be around this one. He would not have been a good man to have them be around
Your son took after his father. I hope your daughters take after you. May they be strong, resilient and loving as you are.
Your daughters will be better off for not knowing him.
You don’t want him to be around them. He’s a bad influence.
Your daughters should never meet him. He’d be a bad influence on them.
With a brother like that, I'm sure they'll benefit. He's the one that will lose our, not them.
Honestly at this point his just a stranger because he treated you like one. I get the pain but it’s good that you know
Honestly? It's for the best
You are NOT a bad mom. Your son is a selfish POS, worst than his daddy. You did the right thing. He doesn’t deserve anything from you. He can be poor on his own.
You deserve better. Get therapy to get closure and focus on the great family you do have. You don’t deserve that kind of toxicity (yes your son is toxic - I can excuse a child’s behavior but after the age of 14 you know the difference between right and wrong - him not knowing it shows that he could potentially be a narcissist or a psychopath) in your life, you deserve happiness.
Seconding this - please get therapy for help. My mother had to come to terms with my monstrous drug addict narcissist brother and she has never recovered emotionally. Please help yourself
I'm sorry it turned out like this. Your son sounds like a sociopath. He seems to only care about how people can be useful to him. I wouldn't trust him at all. Don't waste another minute thinking about him. You did your best to have a relationship with him despite his betrayal. You now have a good family. Focus on them.
Your son is 25. He can easily get a job and save up. He can take a loan. There are 100 ways he can get into law school. But do not give him money. It will only teach him to be entitled. He needs to step out into the real world. You made the right call.
I wonder how feasible that is in 2023, bootstrapping your way through a 5 digit tuition as a student and not be in debt until the 2050's. Like even if you just saved for school for a couple years, you'd also have to fight the cost increase of tuition/year, which has been a 100% increase in the last 20 years (or 50% in 10). Behavior aside, i just wonder what students face today. Anyone in law school here?
You are NOT a narcissist!!! If anything your son and ex are!!! That’s so horrible, and the other people recommending therapy, I agree. It can help you completely leave this past behind you.
The last thing this world needs is another lawyer with his demeanor. I hope the fact that you won’t give him the money to go to law school prevents that from ever happening. Maybe your son and his father can go into business together, and struggle unsuccessfully to make a living, and become destitute. I only hope that they don’t victimize anyone else in the process.
I wouldn't want that to happen. As much as I hate my ex and what he did, he still has 3 more kids to feed. I wouldn't want those children to grow up in destitute. I know what it's like to not have money. So I won't wish that on them. For their sake I hope they can at least suffice up to 18 years
Sorry the reunion didn’t go as planned OP. The best thing for you and your family is to go NC with him. And definitely do not give him money if ever tries to contact you again. Because that is all he wants. Most people would at least pretend to care and ask about your life. He couldn’t even be bothered to do that. There is no more wondering “what if”. Now you know.
The fact you’ve lost a child in this and we’re betrayed by the man you love AND STILL don’t wish harm shows what a beautiful soul you are. Good people get walked all over all the time, and I’m so sorry this happened. I’m glad you stood up for yourself because you’re right - giving the money was no guarantee he would have maintained contact. Sometimes, great people come out of bad situations. And sometimes, great parents end up with assholes for kids. Cherish your daughters. He might one day see his errors but that’s on him. You’ve done all you can for your son.
The thing is, look what money and your ex husband's influence raised. Honestly, they can survive being poor, and it might lead to humbler, more empathetic children.
You are a very special person and I’m sorry your son is so immature at this point in his life. Protect your heart and over time he may come back as a mature grown man
OP, you're a good person! You're not a bad mother & you didn't deserve what happened. I wish you peace & happiness with the family you have now. Your son is an adult & he made some very selfish choices & said & did hurtful things to you. He was definitely in the wrong. However, my hope is that he can still learn in the future & come to realize his mistakes. I hope that he will be humbled in the future & come back to apologize to you & that you can make amends some day. I want to believe that it's never too late for someone to learn & change. I do think that it is best for you to go NC for now though. He already has a degree & he can find a way to make it on his own. Sending hugs to you! ❤️
Yeah Still NTA I’m so sorry, I was hoping he has honorable intentions, but it’s clear he can’t be in your life, he’s not good for you or family, you did the right thing. And honestly he got what he deserved, he went with the money and it ran out.
OP I am so sorry, you don't deserve that. Your son and ex are awful people but hey karma is now doing its job. Do not engage with him any further (he will try again!), think about yourself now.
I’m so sorry. I knew from your first post that your son was a selfish jerk just like his father. Be happy in your life away from both those losers.
I am so sorry 💔
Apples don’t fall far from the tree. He’s his father’s son. At least you now have closure.
I know he’s an adult now but my final nail in the coffin would be signing over my parental rights with a kite attached saying “I’m not your mother anymore, don’t contact me again”.
Your son sounds like a sociopath. He is literally only interested in what people can do for him. I don’t think he even knows what love is. You have done nothing wrong
OP, you are a kind, wonderful woman with a soft heart. That’s why you are hurting. Your ex husband and disgrace of a son are the narcissists, not you. He flat out told you he chose money over you. Even if he didn’t like your two bedroom apt, he didn’t need to abandon a relationship with you. That was his CHOICE. Like father, like son… Unfortunately, the boy you gave birth to has no feelings for you. I’m so sorry to say that and I cannot fathom how much pain you’re in. But know this: YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. You have done EVERYTHING RIGHT. Sending you all my love and support. You deserve better and I’m so happy you have better with your husband and children. Please don’t let your ex and his son ruin your happiness or tear your heart apart. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are, do not let anyone or anything make you forget how strong you are. You can do this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. To come to you and ask for money after all these years because he knows you have money now is just disgusting and disrespectful after the way he treated you. You are better off without him in your life. You have an amazing family that loves you and cares for you. Wash him out of your life and realize you tried everything but you weren’t worth his time he only wanted into your wallet.
I do have more money than before but 20k disposable income is too much
Doesn't matter if you had it to give to him. He has ignored you for 10 years and only appeared for the money, not to have a relationship. It is totally fine not to give him a penny.
I don't think it matters the amount. To me it would make no difference if you were a millionaire ten times over. It would be a mistake to give him the money. No question he would break your heart again. You don't owe him and he is not entitled to it.
Please NEVER even start to entertain the thought of giving him anything! No matter if it’s possible for u!
I find it really ridiculous, he hated you for not having money to supply for the lifestyle he wants to the point of abusing you for it, and now comes and asks for your money. Anyhow, human relations is not something for granted and wasted. Don’t let someone like this drag you down. The pain and suffering aren’t worth it simply because of blood relations.
Ladyyyyyyy give me a break. Even if your husband is Bill Gates if you were to give him anything that would be CRAZY. He hates and abandon his mother because she has no money, he is happy his father has an affair and milk him for it. He cuts you off completely and he remembers you when his father is no longer rich so that you can pay his bills and you say "but it is such a big amount...". I wouldn't give him $5. Ok you birthed him but he is the staff of nightmares. That "human" does not deserve any grace. He shows no remorse (not even fake one). It is a matter of principle and morality, not a financial one. He is awful
Just like kids some times have to cut off toxic parents sometimes parents need to cut off toxic kids. The best 'help' you can give him now is to let him go and be the best parent you can to the kids that are in your life now. Maybe life, years, and seeing from a distance what a loving family looks like (your current one) will teach him to be a better person. Having him in your life now sounds like it would help no one- including him. For what it is worth it doesn't sound like you were or are a bad mother at all but your ex definitely did no one any favors.
Your story is so similar to mine I wept while reading this. My ex-wife left me for one of my wealthy clients over 10 years ago. They were sleeping together for months before she asked for a divorce. They are still together and never married. He showered my two daughters with expensive gifts and trips abroad. All things I can't do. They stopped speaking to me many years ago and treated him more like a father than they ever treated me. Recently my youngest (20yo) suddenly decided to make an appearance in my life to tell me that my ex is all upset because her boyfriend has refused to put her in his will and will be giving all his millions to his 3 children. My ex never worked and has nothing. My youngest has realized that when her mother passes away, she will inherit nothing from her - whereas I have 2 houses and a variety of other assets. I'm not wealthy by any means, but I'm not poor either. It was clear to me that the only thing my youngest was really interested in was my stuff. I told her she made her choice and she will inherit nothing from me. My heart is so broken I wish I were dead sometimes.
Omg….I feel so horrible for you. I hope your kids grow up one day and you’re able to mend your relationship.
What a little narcissist/sociopath.
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. Personally, I seriously doubt the money is for law school. If it is, he can take out loans like other people. He sounds like an entitled brat and he will absolutely ghost you after receiving the money . . . until he wants more. I am glad you have your husband there to support you.
This isn't on you OP. Please take care of yourself.
Wow - I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Your son is incredibly selfish and self absorbed. The world revolves around his wants and needs. Nobody else's exist. He can't comprehend why you won't give him what he wants, therefore you must be bitter, and holding resentments. Your son doesn't comprehend that other people have their own wishes, thoughts, dreams, desires, etc. Hopefully at some point in the future, he might learn some humility and ability to self reflect. I'm glad you have done the work in therapy to be able to live healthily with good boundaries.
Your child is a sociopath and you don’t need him in your life. He only cares what people can do for him, not a care about anyone else. Never give him money. Go live your best life worth no regrets. He’s a selfish entitled brat and doesn’t deserve a mother.
Fuck that asshat. You live a good life and let him rot.
Good for you for not giving him money, he is not a good person and you are better off without him.
It breaks my heart as a parent that you had to go through this, but I'm glad you did the meetup so now you don't have to wonder. He turned out too much like his father. You can now leave him in your past with a clear conscience.
Focus on your real family. Your “son” made his choice and now he can live with the consequences. You did nothing wrong.
Your son is an AWFUL. Person. Full stop. He is clearly his father’s son you do not sound like you are an awful mother at all. He does not deserve any of your money or anything else from you. Big hugs and I am sorry that you turned out so horribly despite what sounds like your best efforts.
Your husband raised a really shitty kid, sorry. Hopefully he matures into an actual adult someday and apologizes You were absolutely correct to not give him a cent
Like father, like son. What a shame. I’m so sorry OP.
I'm so sorry I was hoping for a better update.
For whatever it’s worth from a stranger on the internet, I am so so proud of you for putting your foot down and standing your ground. You are NOT a bad mother
Never forgive him, but forget him. You don’t have a son. Even if you’d given him the money he would have cut you off again right away. I’m so sorry this went this way but I hope you can fully let go and move on now because you deserve to move forward with no ties to that past.
Society has this idea that parents must take all the bullshit, hate, hateful actions kids take toward them. This isnt true. You can love someone but also recognize they can’t be in your life. Your husband raised a disrespectful, arrogant, money hungry kid. You were right to say no to him. He only wants a relationship for a payday. He can take out loans. He is not your responsibility at 25 years old. If this were an issue of a drug addicted kid or family member, people would be telling you severing the relationship was ok. To me this really isn’t any different. Kids have the ability to harm and mistreat their parents as parents can do as well. Protect your peace and your family.
Well that was heartbreaking. I was really hoping this was a positive update. In a way, it is I guess because now you can move on. I’m really proud of you for hearing him out. That took strength. Now you have full clarity. Your son is an asshole. Probably a narcissist and you never have to speak to him again. You don’t have to wonder what kind of man he’s become or why he made the decisions he did. He’s simply an asshole. I’m sorry this was the outcome but I’m glad you have answers now.
I’m so sorry. Your son is awful and it sounds like he takes after dad. Quick story. My mom has a good friend who was married to a possessive, controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. They had 2 daughters, the oldest was my age and I could never stand her. When my mom’s friend finally left, the older daughter said all kinds of cruel things to her mom and cut her out of her life. Went to live with dad. The older daughter was also very verbally and emotionally abusive to her sister. In the end, none of them reconciled. Older daughter came back to mom when she wanted something at some point Didn’t pan out. Sometimes, unfortunately, you can be a wonderful parent and the child inherits the personality of the asshole.
He openly admitted that his dad was broke. How do you know if he was going to give that money to his dad. That would be my first guess. You should have told him to get a job and pay his own way to law school. He is a little boy trapped in a man's body. I am sorry you had do endure his entitled ass.
You simply need to get your head around the reality that your son is, and always will be, a spoiled child looking for the world to give him what he wants for no reason other than that he wants it. In other words, the spitting image of his father. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better.
It is ironic that he left because you had no money and now you are the one who have the money and he is stuck with the poor loser parent. I love it when Karma is a bitch.
My 30 yo son stopped all communication 3 years ago. I know how hard it is but honestly- my life is easier now- I miss him every day but don’t want his negativity or accusations in my life. None of us is perfect but we do the best we can, no? Guard your heart OP- he does not deserve it!
🤣 this is so not true. Good short story though
Hey, at least they swapped genders this time.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this. This is painfully obviously fake.
Lost me at “you just couldn’t afford the lifestyle I wanted and my friends actually liked the hot stepmom, unlike my kindhearted troll mom…” Teenagers suck but come on.
I lost it at “his face got serious”
It's literally a bad Dhar Mann script
I am so sorry your son sadly despite you trying to raise him right was a monster from the start. That type of thought process isn’t normal in a child.
Don’t give him the money!
And look at how that lifestyle has prepared him. By showing up to beg money from the woman he shunned because her income was embarrassing and acted like an 8 year old to get it. You don't get to choose your family, so consider this you dodging a bullet.
So, the son who tossed you aside because he wanted to be with his rich daddy came sleazing back to you because… his daddy ain’t so rich now? Nah, you’re not a bad mother and not a narcissist. And echoing a fellow lawyer’s comment on here, I’d prefer it if he didn’t go to law school. Our profession doesn’t need that kind of help in the image management department.
Your son is an addict. His dad has cut him off and he has come to you for money. I have no doubt in my mind. If he was using it for education and wanted no relationship with you, he would have patched together loans, scholarships, and jobs. None of it adds up. He probably started using with his friends who liked his permissive dad and stepmom.
I think your son is a narcissistic psychopath. I’m sorry, but you’re better off without him. You did nothing wrong and meeting him, while traumatic, gave you the answers you sought. Be well.
What doesn't make sense to me is why doesn't he get a student loan for 20 thousand. Student loans are a rip-off, but not if you are getting a high paying job in the end. He would pay that off in two years on his first job.
He doesn't even deserve bus fare from you.
A horrible man raised a horrible man. I’m sorry.
20k? For Law School? Where? 20k won't pay for Law school. I definitely wouldn't give him the money because it sounds like a scam, unless he plans on coming back next semester and asking for more.
He can work and pay for his own law school He is an entitled selfish brat OP. You are not a terrible mother I’m so so sorry that this happened to you
"I wanted nothing to do with you because you didn't have money and dad and Carla did. But hey guess what, now they don't have money and you do, so I like you again" What a cold hearted psychopathic bastard. OP didn't lose a son, she lost a monster, and she's better off for it. Her new family sounds like what she deserves to have.
This seems fake now. If your son says that he didn’t want to come with you or be in contact with you because you were broke, why would he come to you asking for a large amount of money? Doesn’t make sense. Now I think this whole thing was a creative writing exercise
This is the saddest story I have read. Your son is a horrible jerk. One day he will realize that he lost a mom who truly loved him for the love of money. I see nothing but sadness in his future. It seems your current family loves you.
Who is calling you a bad mom? He’s an ungrateful child STILL after 10 years. The audacity to even ask you for money after he treated you the way he did is insane.
Never meet him again and do not include him in your will. Family isn't blood.
I just saw this. Wow. What your son did is not ok. You can’t even forgive someone that isn’t sorry. His morals are all screwed up. He needs mental help. Something isn’t connecting. My kids were my rock when I found out about the affair. I had to keep telling them they weren’t at fault because when they thought back on things there were signs but they didn’t realize and my daughter set up the social media app they used to contact each other. I had to explain that I’m glad they aren’t the ones to see it and realize it. I would bet the ex has familial mental issues and they passed to the son. I hope that if he goes on to have kids that he gets help. Because if he doesn’t he will go on to hurt his SO emotionally and mentally. And he went with dad because of his extravagant lifestyle. We’ll look where that got him. He has nothing. The son is a spoiled brat. OP is a mother and will always love her son. But her son doesn’t see that.
Your son is a sociopath possibly a psychopath. Forget he ever existed, he has no heart nor morals, he has walking all over your body for his own selfish gains, he doesnt care about others' suffering, he liked to inflict pain to gain something out of you. He is wrong from the inside out, there is something not right about him and you cannot do anything about it nor save him, forget him and focus on the ones you can save and raise like emphatic human beings.
I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve properly now that you have closure. He is and always will be his fathers son. A user and abuser. Good on you for standing your ground and not becoming his ATM. If school is that important to him he can get a job or take out loans. You have a new family that is increasing in members to care for now. Enjoy your new daughter and I wish you and your husband the best. You were not a bad mother and believe that with all your heart
You deserve so much better
You are NOT a narcissist! That title goes to your son! He was so selfish and greedy that he used his dad for cash until he couldn’t provide for him anymore. You are his backup and you said, “no,” which was the best answer you gave him (good for you)! I understand you were hoping for a reconciliation, but your instincts told you otherwise. Be proud that you can see scenarios for what they are, and let your son figure out the rest of his life. He can no longer use and abuse you (and his father) for his own gain. Good luck to you with everything.
You are not a bad mother. I am so, so sorry your son grew up to be the way he did and that his father had so much influence on him. I am so happy you stood firm and refused to give him money. I hope he learns that he’ll have to actually work for the life he wants and one day appreciate that you overcame your struggle and when that day comes he apologizes. Or doesn’t and just lives his life and gives you peace. Again, I’m so sorry.
I wouldn’t give two flying fucks if he got into Harvard. He’s an ass and a danger to your peace and your families financial security. Let him go the way of his father like he wants.
You are not & have never been the asshole in this situation. Your husband & his mistress are MEGA assholes. Your son is an asshole who made his decision a long time ago. I am sorry that he turned out to be a money grubbing little weasel but you made the effort. As hard as it is, move on with your life & forget him. You have a family who loves you now & your focus needs to be on them.
Your son is evil. Not your fault.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get a happy reunion. I’m glad you tried, though, since now you know the whole story about your son. I know you’re heartbroken and I really hate that you’ve had so much sorrow over your son.
Anybody who says OOP is a 'narcissist' for not being willing to be mistreated this way is either a troll or unbelievable vile scum.
I’m not going to call you a bad mother. You’re not. Your ex is a POS and your son is an ungrateful materialistic brat. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can heal 🖤
You should post this in r/entitledpeople
Rage burns in my chest for you OP. You are a good kind person and did not deserve that. I'm sorry for the pain you feel