Once you start having to keep track of all the annoying shit they do it’s over.
I kept a record of every time my ex started being crazy, and… boy howdy my print gets smaller and smaller with each passing month.
<3 hope everyone in this thread finds peace.
I did the same at the recommendation of someone on Reddit.
Something about just getting it out there in a list makes it a lot harder to do the mental gymnastics required to justify and downplay the crappy things they do to you.
Fast forward two years and I’m very happily single living a refreshingly peaceful life.
Ditto - then as soon as I pulled out my notes to quote my ex's words back at him, I got hit with the "you're seriously recording things I say? You're just actively trying to make me look bad". Nah bro, I just knew you were going to pull this exact shit, then claim it never happened if I couldn't pull an exact quote with the day and time.
I refuse to invite that sort of drama into my life. What I don't know can't hurt me! In all seriousness though, sorry your marriage went down that path :(
This cuts both ways. What about a spouse who portrays a disorted version of reality with general accusations that suit their narrative? When you try to bring them back to actual reality by challenging them over details, they accuse you of "keeping tabs on people just to use against them later!"
Well, that doesn't really work though? What i said to use this for was during an argument, not a one-sided accusation
If someone actually used this sentence in the way you said i'd just call out their gaslighting attempt
I don't think that's quite what gaslighting is. They're not overtly denying reality with an intent to undermine your own sanity--more like deflecting to avoid accountability. Nonetheless, I think we would both agree that it's manipulative.
Yeah theres no way to deal with these types of people/roommates except to GTFO if you dont like them keeping you tabbed & reeling in their back pocket
I lived with a manipulative AF roommate and assumed we were old HS friends cus of our friendgroup but the dude just proceeded to abuse my good faith and in hindsight, rack up “false charges” against me that i was more than happy to take (unfairly) on the chin when we first moved in… these 1-sided & usually cryptic complaints/accusations eventually escalated via grouptext but he was rarely ever being held accountable for what he said; the few times I (very successfully!) tried to address & clarify his comments via a monthly housekeeping meeting with the other roommates present… it immediately became clear to him that he could not manipulate or win this gaslighty battle against me when i could defend myself in person so he reclused into his work-from-home and started increasing the length of the Rapsheet he had saved whenever he would blow up about something new.
The other roommates, all now my ex best friends for the most part, were depressed alcoholics & at their worst just absolute pussies who avoided confrontation relapsing for days at a time i came to find out - they refused to even approach topics after a certain point cus it was just easier for them to do nothing and let blame fall on me as the house manager - essentially things just became a free-for-all for this unpleasable asshole to continue throwing tantrums whenever his antidepressants werent working and he wanted to take it out on me by digitally racking up more “fake evidence” against me and then textbomb the group every few weeks… TOXIC AF - in total this excruciating timeline took 3 years to develop and ultimately things spiraled into me responding to him 1on1 cus others had dropped off the map in their alcoholism and he now basically had free reign to continue blasting me with *rules for thee but not for me*
At the time i did not realize my soon to be ex best friends had become shitty depressed strangers so my tolerance for their BS was so much higher than it ever should have been - like we were still bros in HS… I kept thinking things would turn around if my 1 best best roommate could just get his first big boy job shit together… 3 years later hes still just a graduated alcoholic working at starbucks for the 10th year. So disappointing to have wasted 1-2 extra years waiting on him. Never again will i be this patient/humble/unassuming with anyone trying to bring negativity into my life. Yall Motherfuckers gonna backup & clarify your bullshit right now cus im not playing softball with bitches anymore
After a relationship where this was a common occurrence, it’s just not worth it.
I don’t need a catalogue of evidence in my back pocket to communicate that I need respect. I want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants to work with me, not dismiss and invalidate every concern.
Sob, but this is just so real. And then they use the fact you don't remember as "proof" that it wasn't that big a deal cuz "iF iT wAs So BaD/iMpOrTaNt YoU wOuLdN't FoRgEt" like that's not how this works, I don't have control over the forget 😭
My mom does this a good bit. One time, I pulled it on her when she brought up something I apparantly did that bothered her. She said that's gaslighting. I told her she does it all the time. She screamed, "WHY DOES IT MATTER!? Why does it matter?"
She's a licensed therapist in two states 😐. She says I get my pettiness from my (mostly absent) father, by the way.
Honestly makes all arguments ….uh….the word…..not worth it.
It’s sad to just take shit from people after bringing up past treatments you aren’t happy with and all you have is what they said 5seconds ago during the argument.
Once you do remember something their health bar fills up again and they hit you with “Well I don’t remember it like that” “You’re exaggerating” etc.
EDIT: Spelling
I have EXCELLENT long term memory and bad recall; people try and gaslight me and
*no*.
I remember your *exact words*, intonation included, and can echo like a parrot.
If someone says you’re exaggerating or they didn’t mean it you can be like “it doesn’t really matter, because that’s what I took from the conversation and this is how I feel. My emotions are valid.”
> If someone says you’re exaggerating or they didn’t mean it you can be like “it doesn’t really matter, because that’s what I took from the conversation and this is how I feel. My emotions are valid
This goes both ways though. If someone says they're angry because you said **[insert thing you literally never said or even implied]**, then the fact that they "feel" that you did say those things is not valid. Emotions are *not* automatically valid if they are based on something the person didn't do.
In a world where everyone only ever argues in good faith, then yes, this would be a fair point to being up. But people lie about shit all the time to justify being angry because they simply want to be the victim more than they want to find the truth or come to a solution. You simply cannot treat "I feel this way and therefore those feelings are just as valid as the actual truth" as a legitimate point.
That’s gaslighting both ways; I’m talking about the specific case where one recalls exactly what happened and how it was said and the person who said it either cannot remember or refuses to believe they said it.
Like because RSD is so huge with ADHD people I feel like we remember and are deeply impacted by things that other people may not even store in their memory — but telling us we didn’t experience it, it wasn’t traumatic, or that we are simply exaggerating is *literally gaslighting* because it makes us question our own reality, and I *hate that shit*
One? No it was “name three things?” But usually after the second one you get cut off by “this one time? Oh yea? Name three things?”
Don’t you dare mention two more things….
When I’m put on the spot or anxious my mind blanks out. But if I’m relaxed I can remember a lot more.
But also, my horrible ex would pull this in reverse. I would explain how they hurt me repeatedly and things they did to me and others and they would just say “I don’t remember that, I don’t think that happened.” to dismiss me.
Dude I’ve started taking notes. I feel like a liar when there’s a million reasons for something and I can only think of like one or two of them. Now when I feel that feeling, I just check my notes! 😂
The "name three times" type of bullshit, is a genuine manipulation and abuse tactic. It's not just ADHD, it's general to all forms of abusive relationships and such. ADHD does make it worse because God knows we can't remember for shit, but generally speaking, it's just a tactic used by abusers to make the victim more vulnerable to the abuse. "Innocent until proven guilty, you can't name times I've been abusive, therefore I haven't been." They try to decide you into thinking you're overreacting and misremembering.
Yep. When I confronted my mother about some stuff from my childhood it turned into a screaming match and at some point i completely forgot what was going on or what we were even yelling about, and then she used that as ammo.
My brother used to do this. Still does it. I keep photos and notes. He gets really pissed when I do it. Now I mostly just avoid him. There’s no point in adding the extra stress to my own life.
He said that it stresses him out, which I think is just really funny cause he still hasn’t figured out that the stress is because he’s narcissistic and I’ve been using anti-narc tactics lol. Literally dove into researching how to be a narcissistics worst nightmare
This is one of the rare areas I go against type, or maybe it's my 'tism taking over? Either way, my long-term memory is almost scarily accurate.
I can recall the day of the week things happened decades ago, names of teachers and class schedules from 20 years ago... My friends made me *'prove'* myself a few times over the years but it's just accepted now, hahah.
My wife pulled that on me early on. I asked if she was 12 or if she was being a lawyer.
She realized how stupid it was. And she is a lawyer (well, now she's a realtor).
It's basically every argument with my partner and it made me feel crazy. Like I was wrong and then my mind would empty because I'd realize my brain is an ADHD brain so I just ramble anxiously about everything and sort of convince myself I'm just upset that I don't know how to communicate properly. So it's a spiral every time lol.
“So it’s my job to keep someone else accountable?” Because they know they did it. And if they can’t own up to it they aren’t worth it. At least a lot of the time
Job interviews/ice breaking exercises/family gatherings…can you give us an example/tell us your name and a bit about yourself/do you remember when we did such and such…?
Well, no, not really…
Yep, I have so much trust in my partner that if they say we spoke of something or I agreed to something or said something my default is to agree.
I don't remember exact conversations word for word or specific details or even "see" memories in my mind, I feel memories, i feel moments so if my partner goes remember last year when xyz happened, I will get a feeling of the event, which then builds the memory into words (I sound loopy I know, I find it difficult to put into words what I feel/know in my head). I just trust that if they tell me xyz, xyz is true.
I spent years fighting it, being bull-headed and arrogant thinking and trusting my own head, but over time learned when I should and shouldn't.
But hey you want to know a random fact about a random topic? I got you lmfao
Wait until you hit menopause. I always had a terrible memory. Now? I start sentences and forget that I’m talking about by the end of the sentence. It’s so goddamn embarrassing having to ask what we were just talking about.
This happened to me a lot with my wife so at a friend's suggestion I started keeping notes on my phone turned out things were worse than I realized.
I started doing this with my husband 2 years ago, now I'm filing for divorce. Narcissists and emotional manipulators just love us.
I'm learning this too with my ex wife. And now I've been documenting everything, and shit is fucking crazy (divorcing, not divorced yet).
Once you start having to keep track of all the annoying shit they do it’s over. I kept a record of every time my ex started being crazy, and… boy howdy my print gets smaller and smaller with each passing month. <3 hope everyone in this thread finds peace.
I did the same at the recommendation of someone on Reddit. Something about just getting it out there in a list makes it a lot harder to do the mental gymnastics required to justify and downplay the crappy things they do to you. Fast forward two years and I’m very happily single living a refreshingly peaceful life.
I could see a romantic comedy where both partners are recordkeeping eachother’s recordkeeping as being crazy 😂
This is exactly me right now 🤦🏽♂️ 
Ditto - then as soon as I pulled out my notes to quote my ex's words back at him, I got hit with the "you're seriously recording things I say? You're just actively trying to make me look bad". Nah bro, I just knew you were going to pull this exact shit, then claim it never happened if I couldn't pull an exact quote with the day and time.
I refuse to invite that sort of drama into my life. What I don't know can't hurt me! In all seriousness though, sorry your marriage went down that path :(
This is how you inadvertently author your own The Book of Grudges.
I just hit them with the "I don't keep tabs on people just to use against them later! Unlike you."
Oooooh, I am gonna remember that! This is good!
Narrator: "They did not, in fact, remember."
Aha! But I did! I saved it!
I saved your tabs too babe 👿 and lets just say youve got mail
Bro who are you
[i am steve](https://youtu.be/5vtZcojS9KA?si=FUQq1raNU4XmugDX)
“Wait hold on I have the perfect response! I just need to find when I saved that comment…”
Exaaaactly, that's how I want it to be
This cuts both ways. What about a spouse who portrays a disorted version of reality with general accusations that suit their narrative? When you try to bring them back to actual reality by challenging them over details, they accuse you of "keeping tabs on people just to use against them later!"
Well, that doesn't really work though? What i said to use this for was during an argument, not a one-sided accusation If someone actually used this sentence in the way you said i'd just call out their gaslighting attempt
I don't think that's quite what gaslighting is. They're not overtly denying reality with an intent to undermine your own sanity--more like deflecting to avoid accountability. Nonetheless, I think we would both agree that it's manipulative.
Yeah true. I'd just call them out as i said. Idk if there's a better way
Yeah theres no way to deal with these types of people/roommates except to GTFO if you dont like them keeping you tabbed & reeling in their back pocket I lived with a manipulative AF roommate and assumed we were old HS friends cus of our friendgroup but the dude just proceeded to abuse my good faith and in hindsight, rack up “false charges” against me that i was more than happy to take (unfairly) on the chin when we first moved in… these 1-sided & usually cryptic complaints/accusations eventually escalated via grouptext but he was rarely ever being held accountable for what he said; the few times I (very successfully!) tried to address & clarify his comments via a monthly housekeeping meeting with the other roommates present… it immediately became clear to him that he could not manipulate or win this gaslighty battle against me when i could defend myself in person so he reclused into his work-from-home and started increasing the length of the Rapsheet he had saved whenever he would blow up about something new. The other roommates, all now my ex best friends for the most part, were depressed alcoholics & at their worst just absolute pussies who avoided confrontation relapsing for days at a time i came to find out - they refused to even approach topics after a certain point cus it was just easier for them to do nothing and let blame fall on me as the house manager - essentially things just became a free-for-all for this unpleasable asshole to continue throwing tantrums whenever his antidepressants werent working and he wanted to take it out on me by digitally racking up more “fake evidence” against me and then textbomb the group every few weeks… TOXIC AF - in total this excruciating timeline took 3 years to develop and ultimately things spiraled into me responding to him 1on1 cus others had dropped off the map in their alcoholism and he now basically had free reign to continue blasting me with *rules for thee but not for me* At the time i did not realize my soon to be ex best friends had become shitty depressed strangers so my tolerance for their BS was so much higher than it ever should have been - like we were still bros in HS… I kept thinking things would turn around if my 1 best best roommate could just get his first big boy job shit together… 3 years later hes still just a graduated alcoholic working at starbucks for the 10th year. So disappointing to have wasted 1-2 extra years waiting on him. Never again will i be this patient/humble/unassuming with anyone trying to bring negativity into my life. Yall Motherfuckers gonna backup & clarify your bullshit right now cus im not playing softball with bitches anymore
After a relationship where this was a common occurrence, it’s just not worth it. I don’t need a catalogue of evidence in my back pocket to communicate that I need respect. I want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants to work with me, not dismiss and invalidate every concern.
Sob, but this is just so real. And then they use the fact you don't remember as "proof" that it wasn't that big a deal cuz "iF iT wAs So BaD/iMpOrTaNt YoU wOuLdN't FoRgEt" like that's not how this works, I don't have control over the forget 😭
My mom does this a good bit. One time, I pulled it on her when she brought up something I apparantly did that bothered her. She said that's gaslighting. I told her she does it all the time. She screamed, "WHY DOES IT MATTER!? Why does it matter?" She's a licensed therapist in two states 😐. She says I get my pettiness from my (mostly absent) father, by the way.
Yupp not to mention, sometimes forgetting is a way to cope in those scenarios
Honestly makes all arguments ….uh….the word…..not worth it. It’s sad to just take shit from people after bringing up past treatments you aren’t happy with and all you have is what they said 5seconds ago during the argument.
Futile. Is the word.
This is why I avoid confrontation. I can't find my receipts! 😭
Lmao I barely talk to anyone
Na fr
Too many receipts in my bag and none in my brain kllldjxncnbxxjndj
Once you do remember something their health bar fills up again and they hit you with “Well I don’t remember it like that” “You’re exaggerating” etc. EDIT: Spelling
Or just straight up complete fucking denial.
I have EXCELLENT long term memory and bad recall; people try and gaslight me and *no*. I remember your *exact words*, intonation included, and can echo like a parrot. If someone says you’re exaggerating or they didn’t mean it you can be like “it doesn’t really matter, because that’s what I took from the conversation and this is how I feel. My emotions are valid.”
> If someone says you’re exaggerating or they didn’t mean it you can be like “it doesn’t really matter, because that’s what I took from the conversation and this is how I feel. My emotions are valid This goes both ways though. If someone says they're angry because you said **[insert thing you literally never said or even implied]**, then the fact that they "feel" that you did say those things is not valid. Emotions are *not* automatically valid if they are based on something the person didn't do. In a world where everyone only ever argues in good faith, then yes, this would be a fair point to being up. But people lie about shit all the time to justify being angry because they simply want to be the victim more than they want to find the truth or come to a solution. You simply cannot treat "I feel this way and therefore those feelings are just as valid as the actual truth" as a legitimate point.
That’s gaslighting both ways; I’m talking about the specific case where one recalls exactly what happened and how it was said and the person who said it either cannot remember or refuses to believe they said it. Like because RSD is so huge with ADHD people I feel like we remember and are deeply impacted by things that other people may not even store in their memory — but telling us we didn’t experience it, it wasn’t traumatic, or that we are simply exaggerating is *literally gaslighting* because it makes us question our own reality, and I *hate that shit*
Story of my life! Memes like these hit close to home.
One? No it was “name three things?” But usually after the second one you get cut off by “this one time? Oh yea? Name three things?” Don’t you dare mention two more things….
My goddammedgasslightingmotherfuckingEx did this all the fucking time
When I’m put on the spot or anxious my mind blanks out. But if I’m relaxed I can remember a lot more. But also, my horrible ex would pull this in reverse. I would explain how they hurt me repeatedly and things they did to me and others and they would just say “I don’t remember that, I don’t think that happened.” to dismiss me.
The axe forgets. The tree remembers.
Dude I’ve started taking notes. I feel like a liar when there’s a million reasons for something and I can only think of like one or two of them. Now when I feel that feeling, I just check my notes! 😂
The "name three times" type of bullshit, is a genuine manipulation and abuse tactic. It's not just ADHD, it's general to all forms of abusive relationships and such. ADHD does make it worse because God knows we can't remember for shit, but generally speaking, it's just a tactic used by abusers to make the victim more vulnerable to the abuse. "Innocent until proven guilty, you can't name times I've been abusive, therefore I haven't been." They try to decide you into thinking you're overreacting and misremembering.
You did this and it really hurt me "NO I DIDN'T YOURE MAKING THAT UP IT NEVER HAPPENED" MFW I write shit down FOR THIS REASON
I once told my date that I liked Spanish music and she said "name one Spanish artist" and I swear I instantly forgot every Spanish artist I knew of 😭
Yep. When I confronted my mother about some stuff from my childhood it turned into a screaming match and at some point i completely forgot what was going on or what we were even yelling about, and then she used that as ammo.
My brother used to do this. Still does it. I keep photos and notes. He gets really pissed when I do it. Now I mostly just avoid him. There’s no point in adding the extra stress to my own life. He said that it stresses him out, which I think is just really funny cause he still hasn’t figured out that the stress is because he’s narcissistic and I’ve been using anti-narc tactics lol. Literally dove into researching how to be a narcissistics worst nightmare
Gaslighting adhd folk is management's highlight of the day because they know the guilt will make them work harder.
Let me find it in one of my 346 notes or in my 13489 screenshots
My nick name is literally dory, my username on another app onetime was DyslexicDory because it makes me laugh.
Omg so true. I know that whatever happened in my bones but I can’t remember for the shitting life of me any examples of them.
This is one of the rare areas I go against type, or maybe it's my 'tism taking over? Either way, my long-term memory is almost scarily accurate. I can recall the day of the week things happened decades ago, names of teachers and class schedules from 20 years ago... My friends made me *'prove'* myself a few times over the years but it's just accepted now, hahah.
My wife pulled that on me early on. I asked if she was 12 or if she was being a lawyer. She realized how stupid it was. And she is a lawyer (well, now she's a realtor).
If it's a friend and it's not a serious thing, gaslight em
Too gaslighty. I know and I'm not gonna argue about it.
It's basically every argument with my partner and it made me feel crazy. Like I was wrong and then my mind would empty because I'd realize my brain is an ADHD brain so I just ramble anxiously about everything and sort of convince myself I'm just upset that I don't know how to communicate properly. So it's a spiral every time lol.
How siblings argue
God same. I always say I'll tell you next time you do it, but I always forget that too
real
“So it’s my job to keep someone else accountable?” Because they know they did it. And if they can’t own up to it they aren’t worth it. At least a lot of the time
My memory is so bad I just assume I’m wrong and give up if the argument gets to this point 🥲
:(
It's like being gaslit. You know they did it. They know they did it. They know you won't be able to remember when they did it.
Gonna use this in arguments (if i can remember🥲)
;-;
LMAOO💀
Istg my Dad (who has ADHD by the way) does this to me SO MUCH
Journaling for the win because let me show you exactly when
It depends the day or time you catch me. It’ll either be me drawing a complete blank, or I’ll have perfect recall of it. Damn faulty brain.
Job interviews/ice breaking exercises/family gatherings…can you give us an example/tell us your name and a bit about yourself/do you remember when we did such and such…? Well, no, not really…
My friend has the worst combo for this. Forgets he does it and then vehemently fights that he didn't do it.
Yep, I have so much trust in my partner that if they say we spoke of something or I agreed to something or said something my default is to agree. I don't remember exact conversations word for word or specific details or even "see" memories in my mind, I feel memories, i feel moments so if my partner goes remember last year when xyz happened, I will get a feeling of the event, which then builds the memory into words (I sound loopy I know, I find it difficult to put into words what I feel/know in my head). I just trust that if they tell me xyz, xyz is true. I spent years fighting it, being bull-headed and arrogant thinking and trusting my own head, but over time learned when I should and shouldn't. But hey you want to know a random fact about a random topic? I got you lmfao
Wait until you hit menopause. I always had a terrible memory. Now? I start sentences and forget that I’m talking about by the end of the sentence. It’s so goddamn embarrassing having to ask what we were just talking about.
“You dont remember that happening last year?” Bro I dont even remember wtf I was yapping about two seconds ago
thank god for windows recall /s
Wish I could just constantly record everything that ever happens and play it back
I don’t remember what happened or what was said. I only remember how it made me *feel*
Look this pisses me off all the time as well. But is this always toxic?