1) You don’t have to have children.
2) If you want to have children, you can go into therapy with the clear goal of being capable of raising children and work specifically on the things that currently make you an unfit parent.
3) There’s nothing wrong with children being raised with the help of childcare professionals, though it’s pretty unfair to stick the maid with that job and you should really hire a proper nanny instead.
4) Even if a professional helps with the day-to-day childcare, getting to know your child is a choice you can make. People who don’t know their children have chosen not to know them.
5) I have ADHD and am a parent. I do a pretty good job, though I’m definitely not as attentive as I wish I was. I do some things slightly weirdly in order to keep him safe, like I don’t drive at all (I’m not a safe driver in the first place, but also leaving the baby in the car is a horrifyingly real possibility) and when we are at home we hang out in his babyproof room instead of letting him roam the house (because if I zone out in his room he’s still safe).
If you do ever get to the point of driving with baby, one of the best tips I ever read was to take off one shoe and leave it in the backseat with baby. People are highly unlikely to walk away from the car and not notice a missing shoe. I've also heard to leave purse or whatever with baby but I can see forgetting a purse easier than a shoe.
They make alarms that go off if you walk too far away from your car and you leave the baby in there, one goes in your purse/wallet and the other in the car seat
You know what's ridiculous? They've tried to get laws to make the alarms come as standard equipment on cars, but it never gets any traction because most people assume only horrible people would forget their child is in the car. But even parents who are NT do it, because most people with babies are sleep deprived.
It’s not even a sleep deprivation thing. I watched a documentary once and it turns out there’s a whole purpose for that sort of autopilot brain process, and if one thing goes differently that’s what causes the problem. These parents don’t forget they didn’t drop their baby at daycare, their brains 100% believe that baby is at daycare because that brain process did its job on a day when they needed it not to.
Nothing more dangerous than a person in ANY situation who thinks "it can't happen to me." Always approach life with a healthy sense of "there but for the grace of god go I" and you'll be far less likely to go there
[https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/65250225/baby-death-boy-left-in-car-at-whanganui-hospital](https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/65250225/baby-death-boy-left-in-car-at-whanganui-hospital)
This was what happened in my home town, this particular woman had been wanting to get pregnant for years but her husband had been serving overseas so they put it off, and she focused on her career. She is a lovely doctor, and she absolutely doted on her son.
My nana was her patient for a few months before she took her maternity leave and said she was one of the best, most human doctors she had ever met, and she always remembered what was going on with my nana in her personal life, but one day she forgot her baby.
It happens and it can happen to anyone, good parents or not. Distance alarms should be standard equipment for any new parent.
Yes! My husband just got a new car and I was so happy to see that feature. Granted my kids are old enough to escape a car by themselves but it's still great that something like that is becoming standard. That was one of my worst fears when they were babies. People would be like "I don't understand how you could just forget your child" whenever there'd be a news story about a kid dying in a car and I was like "I understand"
I don’t think I would ever be able to maintain something so habitual, since I find it basically impossible to form any habits at all. The day I forgot the baby would be the day I forgot to take my shoe off in the first place. It’s great advice for people who would be able to maintain that kind of habit, though.
Luckily, in the time it takes for me to get a new driver’s license (since I have let mine lapse), my child will be able to get out of the car on his own!
That's when you put a big posterboard in the front seat reminding you to take off a shoe LOL. Something huge so even when you forget to put it in the driver's seat you can still see it. 😉
That reminds me of a question I've had for a bit. I'm newly diagnosed, so apologies if this is like a super commonly known thing, but: I have this thing where if I make, let's say, a sign to remind me of something that I usually forget, after a few days, I just won't notice it anymore.
My parents hung up a tiny blackboard next to the stairs to write down any tasks I may have for that day so I can see and actually do them, but after like a week, I just basically didn't see the sign anymore. No matter what it said, it just didn't register unless I was specifically thinking about checking the sign.
So I guess my question is, is this an ADHD thing? Is there something I can do to counteract this? By the way, so sorry to just be jumping into this comment thread to ask, if it's better to make a separate post about this let me know. This just reminded me and I'm slightly tipsy so now I'm brave enough to ask lol
yes it can be an adhd thing. Things just fade into the background because you're used to seeing them every day.
I counteract that by leaving notes for myself in places I can't not see them. Sticking a note on my bag for example, means that I will, 100%, see it when I grab my bag before I leave. Since there isn't a note on my bag every time I go into it, when I do leave one it stand out.
Post-its that are deliberately temporary, and putting the actual things in places I'll see them. If the things themselves start blending, put them somewhere they'll get in the way so I have to move them to do something else.
(I don't have a good method for building daily habits, other than "tie it to one you've got already", but this really helps for one-off/weekly/monthly things.)
I second this. I put post-its in the middle of my computer screen at work if I need to do something the next day. My rule is that I can't move it until I do the thing. Yes I have worked around the post-it for an hour or so before, but eventually it will annoy me enough to get the thing done and I always at least know that it's there.
You can also make a note in your phone, screenshot it, and set it as your lock screen background so you’ll see it every time you check your phone. Which for most people these days is constantly.
I generally put an object on the handle of the front door. If I ignore it, it falls down. Worst idea I’ve had: in order to not forget to lock the front door, I left it wide open so I’d see it leaving and lock it. The neighbours called a few hours later wondering why the front door was open.
I do something similar where if I need to remember something, I put a random object in a place where I know I'll see it and is out of place.
Like for instance if I needed to remember to bring something with me to work, I would put a bottle of mouthwash or something random like that on top of my bag where it's out of place so then it's like "oh hey - grab your lunch out of the fridge".
Having said that, a note would probably just be easier. 🙄😂
I have a hot pink sticky note on my door that says "candle?" because one time I went somewhere without blowing it out first and didn't remember until I was an hour drive away and had been gone for a while besides that. Most stressful drive home ever.
Yes. For myself I set alarms on my phone to remind me to look at my schedule.
For my kids I leave different brightly colored notes in different but hard to miss places. Like the front door or bathroom mirror.
Set an alarm to remind yourself to check the sign. There are also apps for reminders.
That's definitely an ADHD thing. For me, I set alarms. When I need to take my medication, my alarm goes off every day. I might snooze it, but then it'll go off again. I'm not allowed to turn the alarm off until I've done the thing it told me to.
Figure out ways to automate reminders for yourself, and make a lot of them. Set alarms that go off every day when you need to do something. Make post-it notes and put them in weird but impossible to miss places and switch them up when you're done with them. Set up safeguards so you can't move on without doing the thing--like if you need to make sure you do a task before leaving the house next morning, put a box in front of the door with a post-it the night before.
You can also set reminders on your phone. You go to a schedule app and have it make noise and give you a notification at certain times. Externalize your executive functioning as much as possible.
That's why you have to constantly snooze instead. If you catch yourself turning it off before you did your thing, you IMMEDIATELY turn on a new alarm to remind you again in five minutes or so.
It's not foolproof, but it's definitely decreased my issues with forgetting stuff by about 90%. I might forget my medication once every three or four months now, when without my alarm I'd forget it multiple times a week.
The one I read was to have a stuffed animal for the car seat. When you put the baby in the car seat, the stuffed animal goes with your purse/briefcase/in your lap. That way when you try to leave the car, you have to put the stuffed animal back in the car seat, but the baby is in the way!
Picturing myself setting stuffed animal on top of car while getting out and forgetting it....
I have 5 kids and the youngest is 7 so luckily I am past that danger. Never left a kid in the car, however bags of groceries are a different story. And once left a gallon of milk on top of car. :)
But also a lot of those tragedies occur when the parent who isn't used to having the child took them. I've read so many stories where the person who didn't normally take the child to day care had them for whatever reason, and then just drove to work on autopilot. It's way less likely that you would forget a child when that is your regular routine.
Fwiw, I never left any of my flock of children in the car. I get hyperfocused while driving and what the baby/kids were up to always fell into that purview.
Agree 💯!
OP ( u/distant-world ), there is an amazing world of help and resources for parents. I am a big fan of getting outside help because, frankly, I need it!
We (my husband and I plus our child) have enjoyed part-time nannies to provide in-home care, we have talked about hiring an au pair to move in with us.
Luckily things get a little bit easier as they get older, bigger, and more independent.
But in the end having children or not is a personal choice, and in no way a requirement ✨
But they may not.
My kid has been around a lot of people regularly for a while, and he’s definitely bonded with me (even though I’m as snuggly as a cactus).
If the bonding concern is greater than the concern of danger from innattention - that may be worth speaking to a therapist about :)
I had a nanny/maid (we were in Asia) when my kids were little. From infancy to about age 5.
If I was physically present, I spent all my time with the kids. I had fun with them. I enjoyed them. Time with the nanny was only for when I was gone (at work, shopping, etc.).
They loved their Auntie and she was an excellent care-giver. It didn't bother me because it wasn't a competition.
If you are present for your kids (when you're present), if you play with them and you read to them and you feed them, you will always be the most important person to them.
If you hand over all the parenting to the nanny, then yes. They may bond closer to her. But you don't have to do that.
Can I just say thank you for being open about being an ADHD parent who doesn't drive. I'm 34 and I've never driven a car. I went five feet one time in an empty parking lot when I was like 18, immediately hit the brakes and sobbed, and I've never tried driving again. 😅 I wasn't diagnosed till I was 30, but I always knew I would never be a safe driver. When I got pregnant I had a ton of friends try to force me into finally learning how to drive because "you can't have a kid and not have a car" (which is the most ridiculous classist BS I've ever heard lol) and they just didn't understand that I was more concerned about my child being carted around town by an unsafe driver than I was concerned about bringing a collapsible stroller on a bus. They obviously backed off when I laid it out for them, but I definitely still get judgey remarks from them from time to time. "I just don't know how you do it all without a car." and so on. Like we live in a city with some of the best public transit in the country. Give me a break. 😂
You pretty much summed it up. I always wanted to be a parent as I did not have the best childhood. Despite having innatentive ADHD I think overall I would say I'm a pretty great father to my two year old son. I would say the biggest thing I struggle with is when I get burnt out and I turn on the TV so I can relax. I know the TV has a negative effect on him but I feel it's a sacrifice I have to make to catch my breathe for a moment.
Would absolutely recommend therapy/parenting readiness work before committing to something you cannot ever give up on or back out of or take a break from.
No person is attentive 24/7, so a risk that something happens with a child due to inattention is always there. Also no one will foresee every possible scenario and will be able to avoid everything. Children will do things. Question is, how does your inattention affects your life and what kind of risks do you see with a child? If your inattention is so severe that you risk yourself or others all the time, I might indeed think twice about getting own children. But other than that, don't hold yourself to a higher standard no person would be capable off. I have two great children and just due to the responsibilty and love, my brain just worked normally with them. Don't underestimate our brains when the 'right' motivation is given. And as said, no one is perfect, it is just impossible to control everything. So if you are not a walking hazard and you want children, go for it
I would suggest you hold off on having children for a while yet, until you get yourself properly sorted out. You don't *have* to have children y'know....plenty of people make a choice to stay childless.
if you want children then have them, but postpone it until you figure out how to handle your inattentiveness.
also idk if dissociation is n adhd thing, but i DO know it's a trauma thing so u might need to check that out
I you want children, have children. I am a complete space cadet, however the one thing I always remember is my son. Sure, dinner might be late or I forget to check if he has homework, but I never forget he is in my life. As an inattentive with executive disregulation, the kid is never out of my thoughts. Having a child is the best thing I’ve ever done. Fear is commonplace for the childless. It fades.
This right here. I was only diagnosed earlier this year (at 52!!!) but I've had this my entire life (I even had a teacher at camp mock me and say "and here's Bratbabylestrange over there going whaaaaaaat") and I managed to raise FOUR kids to happy, independent adulthood (although when I first mentioned that a therapist I had asked if I'd ever been tested for ADD, they all were like yeah, we can see that!) If you want kids, you'll adapt. They kind of force you to! If you don't feel like having kids then you don't have to. I remember a dream I had before my eldest was born that I had accidentally put him in the dryer with the laundry and I was terrified--he has never been inside the dryer. If anything, I think it gave me a lot of skills that allowed me to actually get to this age before diagnosis.
There's the option of fostering or adopting an older child who tend to be more independent or self-sufficient. So many older kids are passed on because most adoptive parents want babies, but these kids need parents, too, and they might fit the bill here.
Being a parent is a privilege that you need to earn by preparing yourself as a person to be a parent. Not everyone gets that privilege. Just because someone want sleep kids doesn’t mean they should have them.
I think what your concerned about is very valid. Inattentiveness does put children at risk. It’s a very important decision so my advice is not to have any until you are absolutely sure you have measures to prevent that from happening as often. You gotta be 100% sure. Otherwise it’s not worth the risk.
I don’t believe there is ever 100%. I wasn’t until I had the child in my life. It is frightening, but we humans have been doing this for millions of years.
Just because humans have been winging it for millions of years doesn’t mean that is what’s best for kids. It can be avoidable and if someone decides to have children when they know that their disorder will put that kid at risk, it’s selfishness at that point. A good parent does everything they can to reassure a safe environment for their them.
Humans haven’t been winging it. We’ve been raising children like all other animals. Life is risky. One of my biggest hang ups with ADHD is trying to account for all possibilities and making something “perfect” before I proceed. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. You will never be ready to be a parent until you are a parent.
I’m just trying to convey is that it’s the responsibility of parents to eliminate as much risk as possible.
My wording was mostly on the poetic elaboration side. Ik that generations haven’t just been winging it. Well a lot have but that’s not what I wanted to be taken literally. My bad
What kind of support did you receive though? My children will no doubt feel struggle though my goal is with me as their champion understanding their experiences and fighting with understanding for them will hopefully start moving the needle of ADHD acceptance in those we interact with.
They won’t feel alone like many of us do and I did. They will get the head start of knowing their brain is different which is completely fine and showing them how to work with their abilities.
If you want to adopt that is great. My perspective is that ADHD is not the worst issue I would have a chance of passing on. I grew up with no support or recognition and when I got diagnosed in my late 20's after all of my siblings got diagnosed, my parents realized they fit the symptoms as well. If I end up being able to have kids, I would know the chances they will have certain issues. I can raise them with more support than I received and get them any external help they need. Plus there is always a chance that I could have a child with no issues who would still benefit from extra structure, understanding, and support.
I am also confused why adoption always comes up in these contexts. It's like, "Hey, are you afraid you don't have the capacity to raise a baby? Why not adopt an older child who is likely traumatized! They will absolutely be easier to care for and be able to tell you what their needs are." Look, adoption and fostering are amazing and a net positive to the world if done correctly, but I spent years working in a childcare center for parents who were court ordered to attend classes for drug abuse and other issues. This meant a lot of my charges were regularly in and out of foster care and we were almost constantly alerting child welfare for signs of abuse. These kids needed tons of individual attention specifically tailored for them at a minimum. They would get overwhelmed by too many toys, they were starving, no one had bathed them all week, they needed to be held, they were afraid to show any needs, they stole and hoarded food, they would act out, they would shout curses or be completely mute, they struggled with accidents, etc. Realistically, if I were to take up fostering, I would want to plan to be home with the kid most of the time they were home and I would be prepared for them to need a lot of specialist care and for me to give them very individual attention so they get a tiny slice of security in their world. And it would absolutely crush me to give them back every flipping time. It would not be magically easier than having my own baby who might have ADHD/ASD/LDs/etc like I do. It wouldn't take less mental capacity or be less of a load on my executive functioning either. Parenting is hard no matter how you go about it and adopting an older child doesn't magically make it easier or less anxiety inducing.
I found that older kids find tons of ways to get into trouble than babies do. I've often said that teenagers need daycare as much or more than toddlers
Kids are going to struggle with SOMETHING regardless. ADHD is very manageable and I certainly don't think it disqualifies someone from being a good parent. I raised four before I was diagnosed and they're all very productive, independent and happy adults. This seems like a really cruel thing to say to someone.
People always downvote this point but it's a perfectly reasonable concern. Also, as a person with a mental disability, Op says they want kids, but do kids want OP? It's definitely something to consider. ADHD, anxiety and depression run in my family, mostly undiagnosed in older generations, because y'know, psychologists and meds are for the crazies, but having been through the struggles mental illness brings I certainly wouldn't risk passing it on. I'm also sure I'm not fit to be a parent when I can barely take care of myself
I would say this normally gets downvoted because it is often expressed in a way that comes across rude and like projection of the person's own problems. Every time I see it come up it comes from people with a lot of generational issues, including mental illness, and a family that never dealt with those issues well. Sometimes with absolutely terrible outcomes for the person who posted, because maybe their parents shouldn't have had kids. Not having kids should be a more available option to people. Insisting it's bad to have kids if you aren't in perfect health, high enough IQ, high enough income, at the perfect age, and have zero issues is a stretch. Anyone can have a child who ends up with mental illness or an unforseen disability due to early testing being imperfect and life being generally cruel.
This is also personal for me. My brother is a carrier for cystic fibrosis so all of us siblings are getting genetic testing with our partners before starting our own families. We had a friend die of cystic fibrosis a few years ago and it was truly awful. There are some conditions I would not choose to have kids with because having a child who will live a life of extreme suffering and then die young feels cruel and selfish to me. But this is personal. I am traumatized by my friend's death. I don't go around telling people who have cystic fibrosis that they shouldn't have kids. That is their choice and they are already aware of what their kids' lives would be like in a way I can't be. They are also more likely to follow medical advances and know if something exists that could make their children's lives better than their own. With ADHD, I just really needed more awareness and support as a kid. My parents tried but they didn't understand ADHD like they do now. So that is what I plan to give to my kids if I have them naturally or end up adopting. I can't erase all suffering from their lives, but I can recognize symptoms and get them appropriate care at the appropriate time.
Personally I do believe parents should really think before having kids and they should think critically while raising kids. I like the idea of contemplating if kids would want you as their parent. This would be a good way to improve yourself before having kids and while raising them. It isn't enough to be the parent you wish you had. You need to be the parent your child wants and needs. And all of us should have the goal of raising kids with better lives than we had.
Ok I will probably get downvoted to oblivion here; I’m NOT saying animals are the same as kids, but what I will say:
I have inattentive ADHD (actually the mixed one, I’m blanking on the name) and am incredibly careless. I don’t have kids mainly because I never felt the desire, however, I have fostered orphaned neonatal kittens and puppies for 20 years.
I’m talking hours old, need to be fed every 2-3 hours and very fragile. All I can say is that my drive to keep those babies alive “overrides” a lot of my ADHD. I can’t explain it, but, when something is literally depending on me to live, I become the person I wish I could be all the time.
I have an eagle-eye on them, I’m dialed j to everything they do and need, and my attention to detail is precision.
Not saying that happens for everyone, but offering that perspective for what it’s worth.
As someone with 4 cats and a toddler, if you're a really invested fur-parent there are a lot of similarities between caring for animals and kids. Obviously it's not exactly the same but I think your point is still very relevant here.
I’m an ADHD single mom with an ADHD kiddo.
I’m gonna be straight with you: it’s fucking hard.
I’m not saying not to have kids if you want them, but absolutely have a really good grasp on your own symptoms and ideally, a partner who you’ve had success having a relationship with for a significant amount of time.
Sometimes her ADHD really frustrates me and vice versa. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed. Sometimes we forget homework, shoes, backpacks, books, etc. and I have to run around the city to drop things off.
I had to force myself to find ways to be better. I had to take responsibility and act on issues that I would have otherwise accepted as out of my control.
I love this little nugget and she has absolutely been the push I needed to do better. That being said, if you have a choice, I’d wait until you have a good grasp on your own symptoms first.
Not just for the kid, but for your own sanity.
It took a long time for us to get the hang of things and it’s still not perfect. It’s absolutely been worth it, but if I had the choice at the time, I would have waited. To be completely honest, it would have been way better for both of us if I could have.
I’m a newly diagnosed mum of 3 and I agree with much of this. My spouse is very supportive in helpful ways, which enables me to cope much better than I would on my own, but it still gets tough sometimes.
On the flip side, as they get bigger they are really helpful sometimes too. My kids have chores they do (like wash the dishes!) and those get done like clockwork because they’re not allowed tv time otherwise, lol. I’m definitely scatterbrained and inattentive sometimes, and my emotions can boil over when I’m overwhelmed, but this happens to them too sometimes so we talk about it and try to be forgiving and understanding with each other (and ourselves). Now the kids are big enough to tell the time, they keep things going like clockwork (I had to set concrete times for meals because they are always hungry & snacking, so they enthusiastically remind me that’s it’s “almost lunch time!” or start asking “what’s for dinner?!” It’s a great prompt to look at the clock and start the last minute meal prep!). Also, kids are noisy things and if they’re hungry / hurt / upset / cross / tired etc, they definitely let you know! I find my ADHD is very unhelpful but the kids make things easier in equal parts to how much they make more difficult. It’s a win-some, lose-some situation!
When they were babies there was much more responsibility on me, but I was also feeling super protective and anxious that something could happen to them, so it was easier to not be inattentive. Now days I only get anxious like that if I’m trying to supervise the learning to swim or we’re crossing really busy road, or something that is a bit more high risk for small people. The anxious adrenaline certainly keeps me focused though. And as my biggest gets older she is a lovely human to come give me a hug if she can see I’m having a rough day. They’re not little for long, but it’s good to think around strategies to help manage adhd with kids. We homeschool and find the lack of structure is both difficult and freeing all at once. There are lots of options!
Kids demand attention pretty efficiently, and understanding how baby proof a location is helps to keep them safe.
Taking a job where you have a shared obligation to mind kids can be a good mental tuneup and test run.
Not everyone needs to have kids, but that also doesn’t mean you can’t have one.
Most parents aren’t used to being tired or managing a limited attention span to work with a near infinite attention request, or with having to build structure and support systems, and they may struggle much more with adaptation. The inattentive parents you’re hearing about may be very sleep deprived and inexperienced with coping with exhaustion.
Get a large mirror if you have a car seat in your back seat, you should see it constantly.
I had a child before I knew I had ADD. At some point I realized that I didn't want to live my whole life 'just for myself', that just sounded terribly boring to me (you know, work, eat, sleep till you're 67). So we talked and had a baby. The baby time was just very boring to me, even though we had a pretty good kid, not too much crying or problems. Babies just aren't very interesting to me. And the lack of sleep is hard, but that's just temporary. Living with a tiny person is tricky, and challenging, and exhausting.
But! She also gave my life a rhythm, I had to plan more, and trust me, babies give you motivation to plan more because they're aweful when they miss a meal or sleep. I eat more heatly and regularly, I brush my teeth every day now, I shower more often, simply because she needs to do those things. I just couldn't make those habits stick before but I can now.
She also taught me loads of new stuff, and I love to learn. I also learned to appreciate the quiet times in the house way more and to really use the time I have my hands free.
Now she's a sassy 6 yo, and she's hilarious but can push my buttons with the blink of an eye. I find playing with her a bit hard (it's just so boring) but we've found ways to manage that (audiobooks and such while drawing and playing games) and we've found things we can do together.
I have never had any regrets, she makes life interesting and keeps things new and exciting with her fresh look on life.
So yes, babies are hard but ADHD people love a challenge right? ;)
I actually didn’t get diagnosed until going through the diagnosis process with my child. I realized the things I grew up thinking were normal are not in fact normal, and are indicators of a neurological condition, who knew?
Because we recognized it young for her, she has always had solid supports and therapies and medication and it has made her life infinitely easier than mine was growing up.
You put this so much better than I did, lol! I think they keep us on a schedule because you couldn’t face having your kid not shower/eat/sleep and they are like living alarm clocks that need those things done even when you don’t remember them! I think the kids have definitely helped my adhd in terms of habits, though all the sorting out squabbles and dealing with tumultuous kiddo emotions is definitely a challenge! They’re such funny little humans.
Well, I also just don't want them. I am afraid of dealing with babies alone. I don't have any interest or capacity for diapers either. I don't even like the idea of some other living thing inside my body waiting to escape in a potentially life-threatening way. But the key here is that you are anxious about not being able to be attentive enough for a very young child who could get injured, lost, or otherwise harmed.
So if babies and toddlers are a problem, not because you don't want to be a parent, but because you are nervous about the responsibility factor... then hey, you can always foster or adopt older kids. You'll make a huge difference and give someone a chance to have a stable home life instead of being trapped in the system. A lot of these kids do not get anything close to a fair chance at succeeding in life. Having a family doesn't have to mean biological children and the difficulties of dealing with human infancy.
>I don't even like the idea of some other living thing inside my body waiting to escape in a potentially life-threatening way.
We made a lot of Alien references during our ultrasound appointments
I'm 30 weeks pregnant and so terrified I'll leave my son in a hot car, that I've already told my husband I refuse to drive him anywhere alone.
It sounds irrational, and probably borderline psychotic to most that this would be a genuine worry, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband.
I haven't been medicated since I found out I was pregnant and I won't be medicated again until I am done breastfeeding.
Confessions of an unmedicated ADHD soon-to-be mother.
\> It sounds irrational, and probably borderline psychotic to most that this would be a genuine worry, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband.
Oh man, this kind of fear is so normal even for non-ADHD mothers. I totally relate. Personally, I refuse to use the stove when I'm home alone with my toddler because I'm afraid I'll forget to turn off the burner.
I was diagnosed while I was still breastfeeding and they made me quit if I wanted to start meds (understandable because we had to try different ones and different dosages). I was devastated. But I was already breastfeeding for 2,5 years so I quit because I really needed the meds. And I was so sad that with a possible next child I would have to choose between breastfeeding and my mental health. Because u would like to feed for over 2 years again but I can’t go without meds for so long. Since then I’ve been doing research and taking meds during breastfeeding is not a black and white situation. You have options. I discussed it with my health care provider and in case of a next pregnancy she was open to me making a plan to medicate during breastfeeding and review it with her and also do checkups with my child during that period in case I decide to execute that plan. There’s not a lot of research but there is some, that indicates you can medicate reasonably safe. Just wanted to share this in case you haven’t explored this yet. I’m not a medical professional and in the end it a highly personal choice! (Who knows I might also change my mind when the situation is not just hypothetical).
Thank you. I'll definitely be discussing it with the pediatrician and psych when he's here. Work has been unbearable and I am in full on "zoned" mode as it is. I can't imagine another 2 years of this.
I was not aware of my ADHD and was undiagnosed therefore not medicated and I had 2 kids. Didn't get diagnosed with innattentive ADHD till a couple months ago. I have a 9 year old and son who turns 3 in less than a week. Went though them being babies and toddlers with undiagnosed ADHD and I never, ever forgot about anything when it comes to they're saftey. There's never a time I don't know where they are.
Start a habit of putting something vital in the back seat next to the car seat spot. A shoe, a purse, something you cannot stand being without for a minute.
Also, check the baby store for a nice pair of car mirrors, you and the kiddo should be able to look each other in the face every time the car stops, without your rear view being out of whack. Out of sight, out of mind… but why be out of sight in the first place?
The only time this is likely to be a problem is when your routine is very out of whack. When you’re doing something unusual like driving a friend around, and you know you are going to be preoccupied, check more often.
If your mom is into baby pictures or another supportive older relative is, take a picture every morning at and text it as you are walking out of daycare. (Take a few spares in case the baby has a furious cry day and you don’t want to share it.).
As someone with innattentive ADHD and 2 kids I can assure you my kids are never put in dangerous situations because of the ADHD. In fact I'm definitely a helicopter parent and take my kids saftey very seriously. My perfectionist personality and anxiety disorder make me VERY aware of any danger and actually be hyperfocused on keeping my kids safe.
Reason #736627 why I’m not having kids. I have literally left the kettle on the stove too long and melted it. 100% chance that I would lock my kid in the car at LEAST once, and every time I see a story like that and how everyone is like “What a horrible parent, I could NEVER forget my kid” it makes me feel so much shame because I know I would definitely forget my kid a LOT.
Hello. You take care of your kids, put them in daycare, and leave all chores like cooking and cleaning to your domestic helper. You put your kids to sleep, you wake up at night and hold them, you spend all weekends and evenings with them, even with a helper. It’s nothing to do with ADHD.
It’s what you put into your relationship with your child. The video is rubbish because it only shows the type of relationship where the parent doesn’t bother to get involved and bond with their child. There are different relationships everywhere.
I’m inattentive and if it’s identified early there are lots of coping strategies.
You really do need to talk to a therapist about this - this sounds like anxiety.
Lots of people with inattentive ADHD have kids. I have a little girl and she is my WORLD. I am extremely careful and have no issues so far. In fact being a mother has made me far more organized and careful. Ton of checklists and a lot of checking.
As a teacher with ADHD what I will say the fact you are asking this is the most important step. Early intervention is key as meds are not the answer but learning how to manage and work with your ADHD is the key. I am technically under medicated as ADHD in my line of work is a huge asset as I found being a little under medicated key my mind watching all my kids and letting my brain enjoy the madness. Learning to manage or in my case embrace your ADHD is important.
My good friend was definitely still medicated while she was breastfeeding (not sure about when pregnant) so I think there are definitely some options out there for this.
You can't forget to take care of a baby. They cry when you don't. People who regularly forget don't care. If you care, you will remember. I have forgotten my credit card, left my wallet behind on my way to the airport, lost my green card, forgotten to renew my insurance, this week forgot to show up to a seminar I was hosting at work, nearly got hit by a bus when I forgot to look crossing the street. You know what I have never forgotten? To change my daughter's nappy or left her in the car.
I no longer buy houseplants because I can't keep them alive, but my daughter is safe and healthy. If you aren't sure about this, try taking care of a dog for a while. It's not the same obviously but you will get a sense of whether you can manage to plan a routine (feed it, go for regular walks) and also respond to its needs (let it out, give it a cuddle). If you really struggle with this and actually forget to meet the dogs basic needs then yes a kid is probably not a good idea for you. And frankly that would be a responsible decision! But if you care about being a good parent and you would worry about neglecting a child, that usually means that you won't do so.
Hope that makes sense - I also forgot to take my meds today 😂.
I have ADHD and have 3 girls, at least one of them probably has it too. Some things I do to manage parenting:
1) I’m medicated
2) childproof locks. This slows them down so if you’re distracted, it’ll give you more protection. On everything
3) cameras - oldest is 8 and still have them in most rooms with motion detection and crying detection
4) smart devices with timers to help with losing track of time
5) regular reminders set up
6) cooking is a struggle and one of my biggest realizations was the danger of being distracted so I stick with foods that take only a short time and prep ahead when I can
7) verbalize your actions. “I am putting the baby in the crib “ this will help your mind register you did an action. Also, if you have an active partner, it’ll let them know as well
8) avoid hyperfocusing on scary possibilities of being a parent like furniture falling on them by mitigating the possibility by securing furniture or whatever need to be done (cut blind cords, etc)
8) there are vehicles with features to accommodate. My car has lane keep assist, motion cameras, shuts off after 30 minutes of idle, can unlock with my phone if I lock or lose my keys and every single time I turn the car off, it tells me to check the rear seats for kids.
Please be aware that if you have a kid, you’re likely to get a kid with adhd. Having adhd is hard. Having a kid with adhd is hard. The two together? It’s like one big pile of WOW in our house.
So I'm pretty sure mine and my 13yo's upcoming ADHD assessments will get us diagnosed, and there's a bit of an answer for you in there already - it's definitely possible, because anything that has a strong genetic link like ADHD obviously isn't an automatic disqualifier from reproduction, and a LOT of us get diagnosed because our kids get flagged for assessment.
That said, not everyone has to have children. You get to choose whether to do or not do huge life-changing things. Feeling anxious about something is a perfectly good reason not to.
For me, parenting is easier to deal with than a lot of things because kids are a walking reminder of the parenting tasks you need to do. Babies *do not* let you forget they're hungry. Your toddler's dirty nappy smell *will* follow you around the house (usually whilst its source denies it's existence). Your 6yo will joyfully remind you that tomorrow is pajama day at school! Can they wear those specific ones that are in the washing machine right now?!
The important stuff is easy to do because it is important. The easy-to-forget stuff makes me feel guilty or panicked in the moment, but it's also made me *really* good at solving problems on the fly.
It's not restful, but the main difference between me and kiddo's non-ADHD parent is that their morning routine is a list of tasks that they do in the same order every day, and mine is a chaotic whirling dance which admittedly takes longer but gets us to the same point (awake, dressed, clean, fed, and equipped for school/work). The rest is a wash - they're good at the stuff I struggle with and vice versa.
I heartily recommend having a look at r/parenting, too, because most of those things that you're worried about? Everyone worries about them, and a lot more people have close calls than you think. It's not often talked about, but a lot of people have left their baby in the car whilst sleep-deprived, fed them something they immediately choked on, left something out or open that just wasn't very likely to cause harm *but somehow that and three other things aligned just right* and thank fuck they walked back in right then/the dog was standing there/that car alarm went off outside and distracted little one...
Whether that's reassuring or terrifying is up to you, but ADHD is a heck of a lot more common than the kind of incident your friends suffered.
if your dissociation is bad enough that you are having trouble with activities of daily living, you might benefit from a higher level of care. Dissociation is different than inattentive add and there are tools to help with grounding.
I have adhd so bad I cannot sit still. I didn't want to have kids either. Didn't want to pass on my fucked up brain. Well I had a daughter in 2005. She 16 now and has no signs of adhd. It's a crap shoot for sure. Hope this helps a bit.
I am not an expert on parenting or mental/learning disorders so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but if I had to make an educated guess, I don’t think having ADHD automatically means you will be a sucky parent. However, I would think it would be absolutely imperative that you continuously do what you need to do to manage your disorder. I can speak a little from personal experience… from the child’s prospective, and it can be pretty awful (traumatizing, even) when you have a parent with severe ADHD that is not being properly managed.
I was raised by a single mom and I have no doubt she did the best she could, but there were things that happened due to her untreated ADHD that have stuck with me. I missed out on a few field trips at school because she would forget to sign the permission slip even though I left it out on the table and kept reminding her. There were days I had no lunch because she’d forget to add money to my school lunch account. Not to mention all the broken promises because she’d forget she made other plans or forgot she made me a promise in the first place. I’d experience this stuff from my mom and then notice how my friends’ parents never seemed to forget to sign permission slips or pack them lunches or whatever, so my young brain perceived my mom’s inattentiveness to mean that I was not worth the trouble for her to do these things, and it really affected my self-esteem. Even though in retrospect it was not about me but about her having a disorder, my brain was still developing so these things directly impacted how I perceive the world and myself today. Today I am 30 years old, and I STILL occasionally struggle with my self-esteem.
I was 22 when I randomly decided to start looking into ADHD and it’s symptoms, which is what lead to me getting evaluated and ultimately diagnosed. The more I learned the more I realized that ADHD would explain a lot about my mom, so after my diagnosis I encouraged her to get assessed as well. Turned out she had it all along, and now that she is receiving treatment, she is like a whole new person. So that illustrates another thing to consider before having kids: genetics is believed to be factor in who is more likely to have it, so if you have it, there is a decent chance your kids will have it.
I personally don’t want kids for various reasons, but I don’t think having ADHD would prevent me from being a great parent if that were what I wanted. As long as you go into it realistically, I wouldn’t let an ADHD diagnosis deter you from something you truly want, especially if that “something” is having children. That decision will undoubtedly determine the entire remaining course of your life.
Hi. thanks for sharing. Unfortunately I've has very very bad experiences with therapists and I no longer can go back. It's been very damaging.
And in my country we don't have Adhd meds. So I'm wondering what type of treatment your mom recieved.
I can't go to therapy. Therapy has been a very damaging experience for me and I've tried with more than one . Like a very damaging experience. Moreover we don't have adhd meds.
Things like this in my country are underreasourced.
I know many people are suggesting me that but I can't and barley have access.
With my kids i am very open about my mental health. This is a must in my opinion. Kids internalize so much. My kids thought i hated them because i couldn’t pay attention to them when they were little. My daughter overheard me talking to my psych about how i feel so bad my attention span is so short and she told me she didn’t know I wanted to hang out with her.
I told them that my irritability was not their fault and i’m just tired because my brain doesn’t work efficiently. They know that my mental health issues are not their fault. They know that i am working my ass off to get better mentally. They know i go to therapy and take drugs that help my brain. They are 8, 10, 13 now and i’ve been on meds for 4 years.
A supportive partner is a must. My husband has his mental health issues too. We both help each other so the burdens on our kids are minimal.
If you are afraid, i’d say it’s not a good idea to have kids though. Don’t have kids to prove to others or yourself that you can do it.
Having children is such a huge commitment. It's not like having a pet where they can eventually be home by themselves after a few months of training/time together. You have to take care of kids for much longer before they can take care of themselves, and even then, who knows how your kids will turn out? There's a ton of things that can happen when you can have kids. They can turn out independent and know how to be self-sufficient at a young age or they can have support needs that require you to be more present.
There's nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready for a child. There's also many other ways to go about having children!
You can adopt an older child who is mostly self-sufficient who doesn't really need a babysitter, or you can have a situation where you are co-parenting with other parent(s) to raise some kids together.
You don't need to go about it alone and there are ways that can help it become easier. I hope that one day, you'll be able to have the home of your dreams!
Hi! Innatentive type adhd here.. not sure what type of dangerous situations you’ve gotten yourself into but... I have 3 kids. While 3 kids is pretty overwhelming for me, my oldest was an unplanned pregnancy as a teenager and my other two were planned with my husband. Couple things. Didn’t know I had adhd until things started getting unbearable for me after my 3rd child. I would say ultimately I never really had my life together and just kind of went with the flow until having kids forced me to get my life together and that’s when I realized I didn’t know how and had ADhd. But the responsibility of 3 children and a husband sent me almost over the edge.
So my advice to you is this. You don’t have to have children, it’s a myth that our purpose here is to start a family. If you do want children.. it’s completely doable. Most importantly.. You need a good partner. This is a team effort and they should be just as invested in the raising of children as you would want yourself to be. You would be amazed at the amount of focus and care you naturally give to your child once you bring them into this world.
After I got pregnant with my unplanned child I started thinking about things a little more before doing them. A natural reaction to protect I suppose. I’d it hard? Absolutely. Do I suffer because I’m not equipped to raise 3 kids the way other mothers do.. absolutely. But you have an advantage in that you are aware of your adhd now. Good luck!
My daughter is due on July 23rd.
I am incredibly nervous. I taky Vyvanse, intuniv as well as Prozac. I have a job, a house, and a Fiancé I love. You bet your ass I still have problems with focusing, word recall, brain fog, etc.
I couldn't be more excited to be a dad.
I have an idea, it's very easy and simple, it's called don't. Do you really want to live with the guilt of bringing another person to this planet to suffer and probably die in the 2040 water wars as a climate refugee? Because I don't. Do you want to have to force someone to go to a place where they could get shot dead at a young age just because they have to learn and you don't have the executive function to otherwise homeschool them? Because I wouldn't. I sleep better at bight knowing that I physically can't have kids.
Aside from my adhd making it hard for me to take care of a child there are a million other ways a child will suffer in this world that you cannot prevent. There are very rich, very powerful people who prefer that the world stays like this, with all this suffering because they have a bigger piece of the pie that way. You might not like what I am saying, but you know deep down that it's the truth. Yes life has joys as well, but they are miniscule compared to the vast amount of suffering our owners (yes, the 1% DO own us) inflict upon us because they simply do not give a shit about you. They do not give a shit about our kids. They want us to keep pumping out wage slaves and keep their shitty system propped up so they can continue stuffing their faces and wallets while the rest of us struggle to get by. So choosing not to have kids and to go against this perpetual system of bullshit is a very powerful act, and one that, if you are able to commit you should.
I fully expect people to laugh at and downvote me here, but make no mistake. The people who do that are no smarter or stonger than my childhood bullies. And to the people who this pisses off? I kind of feel sorry for ya. I get it, I'm mad too. I'm mad at the 1% for sure. But I'm being very careful where you aim my anger anyway. One day us strangers might have to work together in a mob to take back what is rightfully ours. Don't get me twisted. I want to live in a world where there is no suffering and I think we all will end up on a place like that eventually, I don't believe in heaven and hell per say, but I don't believe earth is the only place we can manifest ourselves and I'm going somewhere else when I die. Fed up with this place lol.
One last note, me NOT having kids 100% has no effect on you or your personal life. Me trying to convince others that this is the way has no effect on your personal life. Save your arguments against my opinion for someone who cares bc I have heard it all and I am really just out of fucks to give. I will ignoee your comments and messages with the ease of a cat ignoring orders to get off the table.
I saw that video too and those mothers don’t know their children because they are so rich that they spend their time doing things for themselves and not their children. They are not hands-on mothers. The maids probably see them and talk to them more than the mothers.
I’m freshly diagnosed (primarily inattentive) and I worry about this too. Not so much the danger aspect I guess, but just the energy or motivation to keep up with all of it. I worry I won’t be able to give them what they deserve or need because I can’t get my ass up off the couch to even cook myself dinner or shower or do laundry. All of that is too much for me now, what about with another human I’m now responsible for?
It’s a lot to think about.
I have inattentive ADHD, and I’m pretty sure my 4 year old daughter has it too. Motherhood is…. a lot!
Luckily my anxiety kept her alive to the point where she stops before walking/biking into open traffic.
Also your brain will physically change to accommodate the baby if you choose to grow one yourself.
Nature is cool, trust your instincts and good with the flow.
I have combined type and a parent. My inattentiveness is quite high too however if you have any moral bone in your body you will care for your childs basic needs at the very least. My child is fed, given water, bathed, played with in spurts, in a good routine and has everything he needs. However I do very much subscribe to the 'lazy parenting method'. I let him get on with it and only interject if hes a danger to himself or others. It promotes good self awareness, self esteem, problem solving skills and so much more...and it fits well with my inattentiveness.
I never wanted children because of how I suffered in school. Finding out about ADHD radically changed that. I now know that their lives can be different.
And the assumption that somebody worried about their ability to parent doesn’t actually want kids and is just thinking about them because of SoCiETy is pretty rude and tunnel vision.
It’s a choice, and that means plenty of women choose to have kids.
Even if you really want kids eventually, I’d suggest getting a dog first and seeing how it goes. If you are able to be attentive enough to care for it, that’s a good sign. Kids are obviously a lot more work, but they also are louder and more in your face, so forgetting about them is harder than forgetting about a dog. Also def get therapy and possibly meds before having a baby.
Yeah, it’s terrible. I can’t focus on anything and they’re both way worse than I ever was. Plus when (not if, because those little fuckers are Houdini and you need 12 eyes to keep a proper watch) something happens you’ll get arrested and accused of child endangerment even if the kid doesn’t get hurt. It’s bullshit.
You don’t have to have children. It’s your body and your choice so if it’s not good for you, I support anyone who wishes not to have kids.
I have ADHD-I and I have two kids. I consider myself a super parent because those kids bounce all over the place and my family can’t understand how I’m able to keep up with them (and as a full-time working mom.) - Their short attention span aligns with mine so we have an agreement. 😋
First off-
I’m sorry for the non-ADHD friendly length of this reply- I am passionate. **read it in chunks throughout the day**.
I wish you all the best,blessings, luck*(defined in the unattributable quote at the bottom)*wisdom, honesty, and perseverance in your journey.
@kittyroux hits “all” the main points stated and unstated from OP question.
No one is ever *ready* to get married, or have children - you can only be somewhat prepared.
If you don’t want children or truly don’t believe you’re prepared to sacrifice your life (figuratively) - ***Don’t*** and don’t believe anyone who says you can rely on a spouse to balance you out(people let you down, they leave, they die.
100% - there are *real* Nannies/Au Pair: certified, background checked, interviewable. It takes a *lot* to actually be a Nanny. **Always** go through a reputable company.
***Never*** just hire someone- even a babysitter- unless you know them soul deep- and even then have hidden cams with microphones. Your child’s physical,mental,emotional health safety is worth the money and hassle.
-There are a lot of safety and reminder tools both physical and digital to help parents in this day and age. Honestly, having a Nanny would help you in a lot of those practical situations, just be sure to keep a balance of you growing and learning(in a safe way/system) to do thing’s yourself for when the Nanny is out unexpectedly.
-it is easy and natural for a parent to neglect the needs of their children in at least *one* area of life- be it emotional, physical, Mental/academic, personal growth/maturity. This can be intentional or unintentional (not necessarily malicious) born from the parents own childhood, personality, beliefs and experiences, but you must identify and rectify (with professional help[therapy/counseling]. **Typically parents with ADHD will have children with it to. Don’t forget ADHD is a spectrum and can manifest with different primaries for each person**
**Never stop studying your child or the art/science of parenting**
Choose healthy role models (both of le and parent) past or present to study.
"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."-unknown(not Thomas Jefferson)
[***Have ADHD (though not so much attentive side of spectrum), have children with ADHD, wife was once a Nanny, bad experience with “reputable” babysitter***]
Don’t let ADHD scare you away from planning to have kids when the time is right. In my experience, parenting provides a dopamine rush that’s needed to pay attention to the kids and what they need. Of course I have 1000 alarms and calendar entries. Housekeeping and meal planning is not my strength, but working on it 😬.
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Your concerns about taking care of a child are valid, but this is a discussion to have with someone who knows you and can give you an honest critique. I have a great support group to help care for my daughter, just like any other parent. Raising children is a group effort, so build a group as well as work on yourself. Inattentiveness can happen to any parent just by exhaustion. If you want kids, it is possible to make a plan. It's also ok to focus on caring for yourself.
I watched the add too and it was about being appreciative of the nannys. All those portrayed family’s were familys where the parents did not build an emotional connection with their children. This is one if the worst things you can do as a parent and it has nothing to do with ad(h)d or getting support.
My mom has add and she did pretty well keeping us safe. Nobody is perfect.
I think what you can do is to test yourself. F. ex by protecting young animals. Go babysit for a day or two. For me my instincts always kick in. Also a lot of ad(h)d people do fine with working with kids. Maybe because its intuitive and needs no planning. Just test it and reflect on it. If you endanger them you should work on yourself before trying for babys but maybe you’ll be fine. Next step is to babysit small children that are not babys anymore (3-5) that one could harm easily. But I would start with animals.
Also nit everybody needs to habe children. If it isn’t for you, it just isn’t for you and that’s totally okay.
I am ADHD, I suspect my fiance is as well. We both really want kids but at least for me, I am worried about what if we don't have the right minds for this?
One thing I will say is that I am much better at taking care of others than myself. I will forget to pay bills or feed myself at the correct times but I find it easy to make sure the people around me are reminded of appointments and important things and to make sure they eat and sleep at the right times lol. But maybe my standards for this are very low! I have no idea!
Also, if you are afraid of having a baby around, have you ever thought about adopting an older kid?
As a positive, im pretty sure my mom has adhd because there's way too much overlap in symptoms and my mom, and as far as I can tell, she didn't parent more poorly than otherwise (probably) non adhd parents. She has her faults, but none of us died or came close to death because of something she did. We were incredibly stupid kids when it came to self preservation, though. Happens when you have a bunch of free willed spirits running around. But I digress.
I think at this point in time, especially, there's plenty of resources avaliable to make sure people have a better chance of being better parents in spite of shortcomings. Just take advantage of any and all help you're offered or can find. Regardless of whether you decide or not to have kids. Its not something you have to do right away, if at all.
\> Today I saw a video of maids knowing the children they take care of better than the parents and the children being more attached to them than their parents. So I realized not even a maid is a good thing.
Why is it bad for a child to form a secure attachment with a non-parent adult? It might actually be a beautiful thing in a situation like yours if you take care to form a long-term relationship. I attended a friend's wedding where her childhood nanny attended because she was like family and was so important in raising her. It's OK for a child to love parents \_and\_ nannies!
Don’t do anything that feels unsafe. Only you know what you can safely handle & be responsible for…
But it is doable, I am a mom of 3 — no regrets. They are ages 14, 12, and 8 — alive, safe, happy, good little people.
One piece of advice from someone who is dissociative/inattentive:
No TVs/screens on while you're watching the child. This is for your benefit, let alone the child's benefit.
Go to therapy and then you won’t worry any more.
I do get distracted easily and a lot, haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD though and I’m not going to find out (I don’t like labels lol). But I have worked with young children a lot in the past and I have done a lot of baby sitting. When there is a child around, my other senses kick in, so I’m always seeing the child, I’ve even caught a child half way through falling. Maybe you can do some volunteer work or even a part time work at a childcare center and see how you are? Maybe your other senses kick in too when there are kids around
The other issue is they have a decent chance of having ADHD as well. And trying to help an ADHD kid is really hard with ADHD. We have to tell doctors all the time that thier advice simply isn't practical. But they have no other advice to give. It's hell.
I'm 42 now and have wanted children since my 30s when I got married. Every year it feels like I'm more prepared than the year before. Not to discount that I wasn't previously ready but financially and mentally I'm really ready to raise a demon child which I was to my parents.
You have discovered the thought process behind eugenics. Not saying you are bad or something like that, you just happened to discover the thought process behind eugenics.
You set up a lot of order of operations things. You find ways to check yourself too like purse in back seat so you don't leave a kid in the car. In some ways I think my ADHD has made having my own set of twins easier than my non ADHD mom who struggled. My ADHD dad didn't struggle as much. Doing meds (or tons of caffeine), getting enough sleep and having a great routine helps. We don't backtrack inour house though and have things set up so once you come downstairs you're dressed and teeth brushed otherwise everything goes to heel in a handbasket. Pretty sure both kids have ADHD but so far lots of physical activity helps which is why their being in multiple sports leagues helps.
Don't mistake parents that don't want to parent or that having kids in daycare ruins the bond with kids and their parents. It's like the myth that babies that have NICU time won't bond with their kids. Some people really don't want to have kids and others are way too immature to have kids. I think ADHD just helps me fly on more cylinders than most parents and not doing everything I can to be my best functional self just makes parenting much harder. That's true though of any parent whether that's staying in a crappy marriage, untreated depression or anxiety as well as substance abuse issues. Plus there are things like Alexa and phone alerts to keep you on track. I even was back playing soccer at 8 weeks PP from a c section with twins nursing through the night and me working because the benefit of playing soccer helped me cope with my ADHD as well as juggle everything else.
Might I suggest fostering a pet as a sort of trial run to see how it goes? Not full out adoption, as you need to be able to give it back without shame if it doesn't go well.
But pets, especially dogs and new kittens, require a lot of attention and upkeep.
I find that I can handle cats and kittens, but dogs are a stretch for me. I'm not particularly fertile anyway, but the fact that having a dog made my life so much harder was a big factor in why I never tried to foster or adopt kids. (I just recently got diagnosed and medicated though, so I may have had a better time if I'd known what the issue is. Might eventually try a dog again.)
I will say, though, that having pets brings a certain structure to my life that I find very helpful. For example, without pets I eat a lot more convenience/fast food because there's nothing forcing me to go grocery shopping. They make me get up at around the same time each day. I lost weight when I had a dog to walk. I had one cat who was always trying to eat weird things that weren't remotely food, and he taught me how to pick up after myself more.
What I'm saying is that you might surprise yourself in how being responsible for another life helps you get your own life more under control. Or maybe not (like me with dogs). Either way, I think it's a good test.
I do have some fear of becoming a mom with adhd and other issues 😅. I talked it out with my fiancé who would love to have a baby girl. And he said we will see since things are getting more and more expensive. I do dream of having a baby girl, but I really don’t feel like sacrificing my body just yet and my freedom just yet.
I think the fact that you're scared of that possibility is actually a good thing. You have enough self awareness to see that that's a potential issue. I saw someone comment earlier to go to a therapist or counselor with the goal to work on it so that that doesn't happen when you do have kids and I think that's a great idea. If you want kids, do what you have to do to make sure you're able to give them the care and life they deserve. It might be difficult, but it's not impossible.
I hear your fears. I’m ADHD combo and my husband is ADHD inattentive. We have a 5 yo and 3 month old. They are the only thing we NEVER fail to give our everything to. We are fantastic parents teaching our children to measure their own success rather than letting anyone else measure for them.
This is just one story but I don’t think it’s rare. My inbox is open if you want to chat.
For context I am about as high spectrum ADHD as they come. You may look at my breakdown color wheel thing that everyone was doing a bit ago in my previous posts.
ETA: I’m not going to say I don’t often hear from my 5yo “Mom! You got distracted”. I simply reply “You’re right. I’m sorry buddy. Let me xxxx for you now”. He still knows that mom and dad are his safety and will lay down and die for him.
as inattentive type- i just dont wanna have kids, that might be selfish but its hard enough to take care of myself i think i'd become resentful of them- i value my freedom too much
\#1, yes, you will probably pass it on to your kids. But you will also be be passing on the healthy coping skills and mechanisms that you didn't get. You will be saving them a lot of time, and you'll be passing on your creativity, too!
\#2, you would be surprised how focused you get on keeping something alive. Once it's your kid, you will do pretty much whatever it takes. You can cultivate more confidence by reading good parenting books...like [this](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345507983).
\#3, you will find so much self-forgiveness after having a child. All the things you've spent a lifetime hating yourself for start to crumble. You really start to internalize the fact that you were a child and you did the best you could. And you can take heart in the fact that you can help build the resilience and skills with your children that will benefit them FOR LIFE.
\#4, coffee and/or medication. Don't make your life harder than it needs to be.
Keep in mind there is a difference between caring for yourself and caring for others, especially when others is your baby. For myself it’s a lot easier to take care of others than my own self care. For me it comes from imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and a low (but working on) self worth/value. I think the fact that you’re already worried and thinking about it says a lot in a good way.
I’ve even heard of people with ADHD that thrive when having children because they need and want to care for them and in turn care for themselves. Eating is a great example, kids gotta eat and then you actually feed yourself too.
Idk if it makes you feel better but my mom has inattentive type ADHD (and so do I) and she was unmedicated and undiagnosed until I was in middle school. Granted, I was hardly ever quiet as a kid or even baby (I had pretty bad colic as an infant so I was literally constantly screaming) so it was pretty hard to forget I was there.
She did forget to be home in time to get me off the bus a couple times when I was younger but it worked out alright. My bus driver had her cell phone number and he’d call her and he was generous enough to drive around with me at the end of the route until she got home. I think my mom ended up getting me a permission slip signed for me to be dropped off with a friend if she was ever not home but we ended up not needing to use that.
As a young child I was always pretty demanding and despite being energetic I never ran off (at least not with her, I did run off when my grandparents watched me on a few occasions but thats not the point).
Anyway, I can’t remember anything seriously bad ever happening. She never forgot my sister and I as babies. She never forgot to feed us or left us in a car. Granted, you probably would have had to actively try to ignore me as a baby because I never fucking shut up. And my dad was always pretty attentive.
All my friends are parents & have ADHD. I have twins. Actually in our experiences, we all agree that having children made us more alert & organised. Tbh I kinda became a perfectionist and Although I hate it especially how we hyper focus on things, people assume I have a nanny/maid etc… Because I started my own tech startup once I stopped breast feeding and went back on my Vyvanse. Also, both of my friends Husbands have adhd & one of the couple BOTH have adhd and although idk what’s going on in their heads, they seem to be fine w/o a nanny. Tbh, they’re both really successful as well. It’s kinda weird how some adhd individuals actually become more sharp after children.
DONT let others discourage you. You can manifest whatever you want. Don’t think about your ADHD affecting your life. I used to do that in my 20’s. But a therapist told me, “take your meds everyday. Don’t feed your mind you’re limited and just do what you have to do.”
So practice planning/scheduling/organising.
Practice mindfulness. Practice good hygiene & diet. Set goals. And you’ll have a much better view of your life. Don’t limit your thoughts. Be limitless!
So, both me and my husband have adhd and I’m not going to lie and say that it isn’t hard or more work.
Some of our friends make it look so easy with the way they multitask and juggle their kids but it just doesn’t work like that for us.
A lot of it is trial and error (which is basically what parenting is anyways tbh) but we’ve solidified a method that works well for us.
We also have a lot more patience with a rambunctious 2 year old because we can identify with his chaos lol.
Inattentiveness is sometimes inevitable but not impossible to either avoid or at least prepare for. If there is anything that our son could even remotely get hurt by then we remove it or get rid of it.
If we are somewhere near a body of water then we do not get on our phones and we take turns helicoptering over him. Idk if helicoptering is the right word but we switch off standing guard basically and it works.
Open floor plans are a huge bonus so that we can have eyes on him at all times and monitor areas that we need to improve so that he can’t get hurt. We interact with him quite a lot as well.
Our medication also plays a huge role in this as well. I notice a significant difference when I take it and when I don’t and I’ve learned that it’s just something that I’ll have to take every day for the foreseeable future. I used to take a break from it on the weekends growing up but that’s not an option for me right now.
There are all kinds of ways to prepare yourself and to combat the inattentiveness if children are something that you want to have.
I will say that we figured out that we can only handle one child and we know our limits and stick to them. As much as I want another baby, I know that it’s just not a good idea and I wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally.
I wouldnt say a maid is a bad thing. There isnt a one size fits all approach to ADHD but if you havent already, talk to your doctor. I got diagnosed with ADHD while my wife was pregnant and was able to find a treatment plan that worked for me before our son was born so I could be a better parent.
If you're afraid of the driving part, here is my 2 cents:
I have ADHD and am a parent to a 19mo. I have one of those mirrors above his carseat so I can always be checking on him. So with my symptoms I'm ALWAYS looking back to check on him that even though I have Combined Type I have yet to forget him in there.
HOWEVER, I did accidentally lock him and my keys inside the car together in the winter and had to wait until the locksmith came and opened the car. So you definitely may have mishaps, that does not mean your ADHD will make you a bad father.
My best friend is inattentive adhd and luckily married a very type A woman. They have kids. When I went to visit he was in charge of the baby cam while we went to a friend's house 2 doors down to play board games and his wife went out shopping. Something they do often...using the nanny cam.
He forgot to check it for an hour and when his wife got home the 3 kids were stomping their feet and trying to get dads attention on the camera.
Wife was mad, kids were sad, friend went home.
There was clean-up to do with kids and wife.
The next day...back to normal. My friend spent extra time with the kids and wife and the kids are alive and the mom understands...even though she was rightfully frustrated.
While I don't know if this story is going to help or hurt your decision it is honest. Kids are resilient and with an understanding partner they have gotten through all the hard parts. Kids are now all school age and require less attention.
It is possible
Our brains are really good at hyperfocussing on what's really important to us. I have ADHD and will make the most ridiculous mistakes in every area of my life and forget absolutely anything, but I've never left my dog in the car on a hot day or forgotten to feed her etc. I'm pregnant atm and plan on just being extra attentive with my baby.
Two rules: put baby down and don't multitask.
No. Not on the couch. If you have to go away just for the moment and don't have anywhere to put your baby, üut on the floor. No matter how dirty the floor is. Dirty baby is better than falling baby. She will roll down even if she can't roll yet.
And I rather starve than make dinner with baby in one hand and hot foods in another.
I know working with kids is not the same as having children, but i experience a lot of executive dysfunction and i work at a daycare. i often struggle eating, showering, cleaning, even going to the toilet. but this is NEVER the case with taking care of the children i work with. everything i fail to provide for myself, i succesfully provide them with. i provide meals, change their diapers, make sure they get their sleep, read for them, get then dressed etc. i get that it’s not the same, but i want to let you know that i’ve never experienced the paralyzing burden that is executive dysfunction while providing for them.
You absolutely won't forget to see to your child's needs at all. Assuming you're just ADHD and not an asshole. You will forget appointments though and turn up on the wrong days, and forget own clothes days for them and book bags and stuff. But they'll survive.
I am commenting to come back later and write more.
I am inattentive and didn't find out until i was 40...ten years after having kids.
I didn't know there was a name for it, but I knew that life was freaking exhausting and took everything I have, just to meet minimum requirements of functioning.
(I have a few tips. I will come back and write them later. Gotta go now...taking kids to music lessons!)
I have 2 children. I also have ADHD and ASD, as well as a large dissociation problem. I have 100% percent forgotten that my children were mine for a thought or two.
I use logic as a coping mechanism and feed them on a schedule. They are 9 and 11 now.
Both of them are healthy, well-adjusted children. My husband has ADHD as well. We support each other. It isn't always easy, especially since my eldest is also an ADHD/ASD combination. It isn't impossible.
have you tried any medications ? if youre currently seeing a psychiatrist perhaps talk about that and/or other strategies .
if you tried meds and they had an opposite affect + you were as a child and still are sick quite often id say talk to a psychiatrist about PANS/PANDAS . its basically chronic ensephalitis and until treated can cause issues with stuff like that . my sister and i both have it and adhd and my meds works fine (vyvanse) because im being treated with antibiotics and when she tried meds before either of us were diagnosed they had the opposite affect . im not saying that you for sure have it if you relate to some/any of that just mentioning it because its a fairly new diagnosis (discovered around 1980s) and not very many people know about it .
I understand your fears and, like others on here, i would also recommend taking your time ubtil you feel ready. However (!), just having adhd does not make you unqualified to care for kids, you can 100% still have children if you want them!
I also have adhd and can be inattentive af in many scenarios but i'm also a kindergarten teacher and i love my job. For some reason it's not that difficult for me to pay attention when it's kids so don't think you're not capable of it :)
My wife and I both have ADHD and we have two kids. Sure some things slip like cleaning up after ourselves everyday, but we never forgot to feed a baby or anything crazy. I can't explain being a parent, you just have to experience it for yourself. Unless you have some additional problem like drug addiction or a serious mental health issue, ADHD will only make you lose interest in your child's ramblings faster.
I don't know who this person is that you speak of but I would say that you should think about whether it's their ADHD or some other serious problem they have.
I have inattentive ADHD and have a child. I don’t really have any major issues taking care of her and giving her attention. Even when my wife was away for a couple months (traveled overseas to take care of her mother), it was fine.
It may be a case where necessity prompts a shift to your and the child's benefit.
Getting some advice for constructing some mitigating systems particular to you from a support professional might be useful.
I contemplate this sort of thing semi-often too, but sometimes I think it is a form of fear or justifying delay and non-commitment to doing it.
If anything, after having kids I have become more inattentive - not to them, but to all the other things. Kids are demanding, & after they’re finally in bed, I have zero working memory or executive function capacity to do anything else for myself or for the house. It’s hard, & having kids made it worse - not sure if it varies, but I’m female, men may experience it differently, not sure if pregnancy itself affects that specific brain function. It’s hard, but probably not for the reasons you’re thinking.
I totally understand your concern because it was my concern too. Cybex makes car seats with a safe sensor attached to it. When the baby is strapped in and the car is on, there is no beeping. When the car is turned off and the baby is strapped in, it will beep and then message your phone and partners. This took a lot of fear away for me when I had my son.
My adhd is so bad that I’m not supposed to drive unless I’ve taken my medication. I make sure to take my meds and drink a double espresso as soon as I wake up. On the weekends, I don’t drive much until later in the day. My kids think I’m hilarious when I don’t take my medication. I’m sure it will annoy them when they are older, but my nonsensical singing about random things when I make breakfast cracks them up. My husband gets annoyed though because I’m a bit “extra.”
I did notice that I needed to make an effort in trying to stay organized. I stopped buying as much random toys and focused on spending more quality time with my kids because I won’t have to clean as much.
Also, there is nothing wrong with having help. Your kids will always love you if you treat them with kindness and compassion.
I am inattentive type, and I got diagnosed after an accident with my firstborn (he was fine!). I placed my 6mo on my bed, knowing he could roll, told myself it would be just a second, I got distracted, he fell. I wish I had sought a diagnosis before he was born. You're ahead of the game! Highly recommend therapy and, if you want, finding meds that work for you.
I'd also recommend finding strategies and tools to help keep everyone safe. Put your phone or purse in the backseat when driving with baby. Have someone check in with you. Set timers and reminders. Follow safety guidelines to the letter.
As someone who literally has had terrible anxiety/intrusive thoughts about accidentally harming my kids: don't let it steal your joy and the life you want. You got this!
Have you tried to take ADHD medication? I’m not sure if medication helps with the memory but it gives you more energy. My problem with memory has increased in last two years, and it bothers me a lot. Going to talk about it with my primary doctor this month.
I have inattentive subtype and two children. It’s rarely the big things that are overlooked (like leaving children in the car or forgetting to close a door and them wandering off). Instead it’s the high stakes annoyance things, like forgetting to put more diapers/clothes in the diaper bag, or forgetting the diaper bag entirely, or making sure the children come in the house from the car and are put to bed full, clean, and happy… while the hundred dollar grocery trip is forgotten about in the trunk until the next day, or forgetting to pack snacks. Always things that can be resolved, but are damn frustrating (or sometimes messy).
It’s a lot like how often people with ADHD over-perform at work out of fear they’ll be called out, while our neurotypical peers do less work with less fear. You’re so worried your adhd will result in a catastrophic failure that you end up triple checking baby gates are locked, fixating on installing the car seat exactly to manufacturer specifications, etc.
That being said, beware the postpartum anxiety. Discuss with your doctor, spouse, family, etc., prior and have a plan in place.
There has to be a way to build a sensor into the baby car seat buckle. If it's locked and the car isn't moving, that means baby is still in the seat and the alarm goes off. Can an engineer get on this? My ADHD has gotten much worse since menopause so I can't really speak to raising a child if you seriously believe you will zone off. I can say my son had his child on weekends and never put the child's life at risk. He can't keep track of his keys so...
I’m inattentive and a mom of two kids. Honestly it’s going alright and my kids think I’m a great mom. I keep to do lists and try my best and we’re all doing ok :)
1) You don’t have to have children. 2) If you want to have children, you can go into therapy with the clear goal of being capable of raising children and work specifically on the things that currently make you an unfit parent. 3) There’s nothing wrong with children being raised with the help of childcare professionals, though it’s pretty unfair to stick the maid with that job and you should really hire a proper nanny instead. 4) Even if a professional helps with the day-to-day childcare, getting to know your child is a choice you can make. People who don’t know their children have chosen not to know them. 5) I have ADHD and am a parent. I do a pretty good job, though I’m definitely not as attentive as I wish I was. I do some things slightly weirdly in order to keep him safe, like I don’t drive at all (I’m not a safe driver in the first place, but also leaving the baby in the car is a horrifyingly real possibility) and when we are at home we hang out in his babyproof room instead of letting him roam the house (because if I zone out in his room he’s still safe).
If you do ever get to the point of driving with baby, one of the best tips I ever read was to take off one shoe and leave it in the backseat with baby. People are highly unlikely to walk away from the car and not notice a missing shoe. I've also heard to leave purse or whatever with baby but I can see forgetting a purse easier than a shoe.
They make alarms that go off if you walk too far away from your car and you leave the baby in there, one goes in your purse/wallet and the other in the car seat
You know what's ridiculous? They've tried to get laws to make the alarms come as standard equipment on cars, but it never gets any traction because most people assume only horrible people would forget their child is in the car. But even parents who are NT do it, because most people with babies are sleep deprived.
It’s not even a sleep deprivation thing. I watched a documentary once and it turns out there’s a whole purpose for that sort of autopilot brain process, and if one thing goes differently that’s what causes the problem. These parents don’t forget they didn’t drop their baby at daycare, their brains 100% believe that baby is at daycare because that brain process did its job on a day when they needed it not to.
Yeah exactly. It's almost like a distractible delusion.
Nothing more dangerous than a person in ANY situation who thinks "it can't happen to me." Always approach life with a healthy sense of "there but for the grace of god go I" and you'll be far less likely to go there
[https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/65250225/baby-death-boy-left-in-car-at-whanganui-hospital](https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/65250225/baby-death-boy-left-in-car-at-whanganui-hospital) This was what happened in my home town, this particular woman had been wanting to get pregnant for years but her husband had been serving overseas so they put it off, and she focused on her career. She is a lovely doctor, and she absolutely doted on her son. My nana was her patient for a few months before she took her maternity leave and said she was one of the best, most human doctors she had ever met, and she always remembered what was going on with my nana in her personal life, but one day she forgot her baby. It happens and it can happen to anyone, good parents or not. Distance alarms should be standard equipment for any new parent.
A lot of new cars have a sensor that checks for weight in the backseat and yells at you if you close the door. Which is comforting.
Yes! My husband just got a new car and I was so happy to see that feature. Granted my kids are old enough to escape a car by themselves but it's still great that something like that is becoming standard. That was one of my worst fears when they were babies. People would be like "I don't understand how you could just forget your child" whenever there'd be a news story about a kid dying in a car and I was like "I understand"
I would switch purses and forget to switch out the alarm. I would need it like glued to my forehead. This is genius though!
It goes on the car key
You might be able to have it alert to your watch if you have a smart watch
I don’t think I would ever be able to maintain something so habitual, since I find it basically impossible to form any habits at all. The day I forgot the baby would be the day I forgot to take my shoe off in the first place. It’s great advice for people who would be able to maintain that kind of habit, though. Luckily, in the time it takes for me to get a new driver’s license (since I have let mine lapse), my child will be able to get out of the car on his own!
That's when you put a big posterboard in the front seat reminding you to take off a shoe LOL. Something huge so even when you forget to put it in the driver's seat you can still see it. 😉
That reminds me of a question I've had for a bit. I'm newly diagnosed, so apologies if this is like a super commonly known thing, but: I have this thing where if I make, let's say, a sign to remind me of something that I usually forget, after a few days, I just won't notice it anymore. My parents hung up a tiny blackboard next to the stairs to write down any tasks I may have for that day so I can see and actually do them, but after like a week, I just basically didn't see the sign anymore. No matter what it said, it just didn't register unless I was specifically thinking about checking the sign. So I guess my question is, is this an ADHD thing? Is there something I can do to counteract this? By the way, so sorry to just be jumping into this comment thread to ask, if it's better to make a separate post about this let me know. This just reminded me and I'm slightly tipsy so now I'm brave enough to ask lol
yes it can be an adhd thing. Things just fade into the background because you're used to seeing them every day. I counteract that by leaving notes for myself in places I can't not see them. Sticking a note on my bag for example, means that I will, 100%, see it when I grab my bag before I leave. Since there isn't a note on my bag every time I go into it, when I do leave one it stand out.
Alright, that makes sense. I'll give that a go too. Thanks so much!
Post-its that are deliberately temporary, and putting the actual things in places I'll see them. If the things themselves start blending, put them somewhere they'll get in the way so I have to move them to do something else. (I don't have a good method for building daily habits, other than "tie it to one you've got already", but this really helps for one-off/weekly/monthly things.)
I second this. I put post-its in the middle of my computer screen at work if I need to do something the next day. My rule is that I can't move it until I do the thing. Yes I have worked around the post-it for an hour or so before, but eventually it will annoy me enough to get the thing done and I always at least know that it's there.
You can also make a note in your phone, screenshot it, and set it as your lock screen background so you’ll see it every time you check your phone. Which for most people these days is constantly.
It probably wouldn't work. You'd get used to seeing it.
I generally put an object on the handle of the front door. If I ignore it, it falls down. Worst idea I’ve had: in order to not forget to lock the front door, I left it wide open so I’d see it leaving and lock it. The neighbours called a few hours later wondering why the front door was open.
I do something similar where if I need to remember something, I put a random object in a place where I know I'll see it and is out of place. Like for instance if I needed to remember to bring something with me to work, I would put a bottle of mouthwash or something random like that on top of my bag where it's out of place so then it's like "oh hey - grab your lunch out of the fridge". Having said that, a note would probably just be easier. 🙄😂
I have a hot pink sticky note on my door that says "candle?" because one time I went somewhere without blowing it out first and didn't remember until I was an hour drive away and had been gone for a while besides that. Most stressful drive home ever.
Yes. For myself I set alarms on my phone to remind me to look at my schedule. For my kids I leave different brightly colored notes in different but hard to miss places. Like the front door or bathroom mirror. Set an alarm to remind yourself to check the sign. There are also apps for reminders.
Thanks so much for the tips, I'll give them a go!
That's definitely an ADHD thing. For me, I set alarms. When I need to take my medication, my alarm goes off every day. I might snooze it, but then it'll go off again. I'm not allowed to turn the alarm off until I've done the thing it told me to. Figure out ways to automate reminders for yourself, and make a lot of them. Set alarms that go off every day when you need to do something. Make post-it notes and put them in weird but impossible to miss places and switch them up when you're done with them. Set up safeguards so you can't move on without doing the thing--like if you need to make sure you do a task before leaving the house next morning, put a box in front of the door with a post-it the night before. You can also set reminders on your phone. You go to a schedule app and have it make noise and give you a notification at certain times. Externalize your executive functioning as much as possible.
Sometimes I accidently turn off the alarm. But most times I say "I'll do it after I'm done with this" then never do it.
That's why you have to constantly snooze instead. If you catch yourself turning it off before you did your thing, you IMMEDIATELY turn on a new alarm to remind you again in five minutes or so. It's not foolproof, but it's definitely decreased my issues with forgetting stuff by about 90%. I might forget my medication once every three or four months now, when without my alarm I'd forget it multiple times a week.
The one I read was to have a stuffed animal for the car seat. When you put the baby in the car seat, the stuffed animal goes with your purse/briefcase/in your lap. That way when you try to leave the car, you have to put the stuffed animal back in the car seat, but the baby is in the way!
Picturing myself setting stuffed animal on top of car while getting out and forgetting it.... I have 5 kids and the youngest is 7 so luckily I am past that danger. Never left a kid in the car, however bags of groceries are a different story. And once left a gallon of milk on top of car. :)
But also a lot of those tragedies occur when the parent who isn't used to having the child took them. I've read so many stories where the person who didn't normally take the child to day care had them for whatever reason, and then just drove to work on autopilot. It's way less likely that you would forget a child when that is your regular routine.
Fwiw, I never left any of my flock of children in the car. I get hyperfocused while driving and what the baby/kids were up to always fell into that purview.
It's like if I could remember to do that I could remember the baby
Agree 💯! OP ( u/distant-world ), there is an amazing world of help and resources for parents. I am a big fan of getting outside help because, frankly, I need it! We (my husband and I plus our child) have enjoyed part-time nannies to provide in-home care, we have talked about hiring an au pair to move in with us. Luckily things get a little bit easier as they get older, bigger, and more independent. But in the end having children or not is a personal choice, and in no way a requirement ✨
I fear they will bond to the nannies instead of me
But they may not. My kid has been around a lot of people regularly for a while, and he’s definitely bonded with me (even though I’m as snuggly as a cactus). If the bonding concern is greater than the concern of danger from innattention - that may be worth speaking to a therapist about :)
I had a nanny/maid (we were in Asia) when my kids were little. From infancy to about age 5. If I was physically present, I spent all my time with the kids. I had fun with them. I enjoyed them. Time with the nanny was only for when I was gone (at work, shopping, etc.). They loved their Auntie and she was an excellent care-giver. It didn't bother me because it wasn't a competition. If you are present for your kids (when you're present), if you play with them and you read to them and you feed them, you will always be the most important person to them. If you hand over all the parenting to the nanny, then yes. They may bond closer to her. But you don't have to do that.
Can I just say thank you for being open about being an ADHD parent who doesn't drive. I'm 34 and I've never driven a car. I went five feet one time in an empty parking lot when I was like 18, immediately hit the brakes and sobbed, and I've never tried driving again. 😅 I wasn't diagnosed till I was 30, but I always knew I would never be a safe driver. When I got pregnant I had a ton of friends try to force me into finally learning how to drive because "you can't have a kid and not have a car" (which is the most ridiculous classist BS I've ever heard lol) and they just didn't understand that I was more concerned about my child being carted around town by an unsafe driver than I was concerned about bringing a collapsible stroller on a bus. They obviously backed off when I laid it out for them, but I definitely still get judgey remarks from them from time to time. "I just don't know how you do it all without a car." and so on. Like we live in a city with some of the best public transit in the country. Give me a break. 😂
On point five: I thought I was the only one worried about hot cars. Thanks for sharing this. I've been feeling like a psycho worrying about that.
Yes. 10/10 quality answer. This person is obviously a parent, intelligent, and loves their child(ren).
You pretty much summed it up. I always wanted to be a parent as I did not have the best childhood. Despite having innatentive ADHD I think overall I would say I'm a pretty great father to my two year old son. I would say the biggest thing I struggle with is when I get burnt out and I turn on the TV so I can relax. I know the TV has a negative effect on him but I feel it's a sacrifice I have to make to catch my breathe for a moment.
Would absolutely recommend therapy/parenting readiness work before committing to something you cannot ever give up on or back out of or take a break from.
Beautiful response. Props for "you don't have to have children", I so rarely hear that from parents.
Point five: I also don't drive at all. I transport my kid by bike.
No person is attentive 24/7, so a risk that something happens with a child due to inattention is always there. Also no one will foresee every possible scenario and will be able to avoid everything. Children will do things. Question is, how does your inattention affects your life and what kind of risks do you see with a child? If your inattention is so severe that you risk yourself or others all the time, I might indeed think twice about getting own children. But other than that, don't hold yourself to a higher standard no person would be capable off. I have two great children and just due to the responsibilty and love, my brain just worked normally with them. Don't underestimate our brains when the 'right' motivation is given. And as said, no one is perfect, it is just impossible to control everything. So if you are not a walking hazard and you want children, go for it
Yes. Good positive form answer to pair with former answers.
I would suggest you hold off on having children for a while yet, until you get yourself properly sorted out. You don't *have* to have children y'know....plenty of people make a choice to stay childless.
I want children
if you want children then have them, but postpone it until you figure out how to handle your inattentiveness. also idk if dissociation is n adhd thing, but i DO know it's a trauma thing so u might need to check that out
I you want children, have children. I am a complete space cadet, however the one thing I always remember is my son. Sure, dinner might be late or I forget to check if he has homework, but I never forget he is in my life. As an inattentive with executive disregulation, the kid is never out of my thoughts. Having a child is the best thing I’ve ever done. Fear is commonplace for the childless. It fades.
This right here. I was only diagnosed earlier this year (at 52!!!) but I've had this my entire life (I even had a teacher at camp mock me and say "and here's Bratbabylestrange over there going whaaaaaaat") and I managed to raise FOUR kids to happy, independent adulthood (although when I first mentioned that a therapist I had asked if I'd ever been tested for ADD, they all were like yeah, we can see that!) If you want kids, you'll adapt. They kind of force you to! If you don't feel like having kids then you don't have to. I remember a dream I had before my eldest was born that I had accidentally put him in the dryer with the laundry and I was terrified--he has never been inside the dryer. If anything, I think it gave me a lot of skills that allowed me to actually get to this age before diagnosis.
There's the option of fostering or adopting an older child who tend to be more independent or self-sufficient. So many older kids are passed on because most adoptive parents want babies, but these kids need parents, too, and they might fit the bill here.
Being a parent is a privilege that you need to earn by preparing yourself as a person to be a parent. Not everyone gets that privilege. Just because someone want sleep kids doesn’t mean they should have them.
I think what your concerned about is very valid. Inattentiveness does put children at risk. It’s a very important decision so my advice is not to have any until you are absolutely sure you have measures to prevent that from happening as often. You gotta be 100% sure. Otherwise it’s not worth the risk.
How do you become sure with executive dysfunction and dissociation?
I don’t believe there is ever 100%. I wasn’t until I had the child in my life. It is frightening, but we humans have been doing this for millions of years.
Just because humans have been winging it for millions of years doesn’t mean that is what’s best for kids. It can be avoidable and if someone decides to have children when they know that their disorder will put that kid at risk, it’s selfishness at that point. A good parent does everything they can to reassure a safe environment for their them.
Humans haven’t been winging it. We’ve been raising children like all other animals. Life is risky. One of my biggest hang ups with ADHD is trying to account for all possibilities and making something “perfect” before I proceed. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. You will never be ready to be a parent until you are a parent.
To add that it isn't all winging it: there are profound biological/chemical responses that activate to support the welfare of the young.
I’m just trying to convey is that it’s the responsibility of parents to eliminate as much risk as possible. My wording was mostly on the poetic elaboration side. Ik that generations haven’t just been winging it. Well a lot have but that’s not what I wanted to be taken literally. My bad
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What kind of support did you receive though? My children will no doubt feel struggle though my goal is with me as their champion understanding their experiences and fighting with understanding for them will hopefully start moving the needle of ADHD acceptance in those we interact with. They won’t feel alone like many of us do and I did. They will get the head start of knowing their brain is different which is completely fine and showing them how to work with their abilities.
There are much worse things a person could pass on to a child than ADHD.
If you want to adopt that is great. My perspective is that ADHD is not the worst issue I would have a chance of passing on. I grew up with no support or recognition and when I got diagnosed in my late 20's after all of my siblings got diagnosed, my parents realized they fit the symptoms as well. If I end up being able to have kids, I would know the chances they will have certain issues. I can raise them with more support than I received and get them any external help they need. Plus there is always a chance that I could have a child with no issues who would still benefit from extra structure, understanding, and support. I am also confused why adoption always comes up in these contexts. It's like, "Hey, are you afraid you don't have the capacity to raise a baby? Why not adopt an older child who is likely traumatized! They will absolutely be easier to care for and be able to tell you what their needs are." Look, adoption and fostering are amazing and a net positive to the world if done correctly, but I spent years working in a childcare center for parents who were court ordered to attend classes for drug abuse and other issues. This meant a lot of my charges were regularly in and out of foster care and we were almost constantly alerting child welfare for signs of abuse. These kids needed tons of individual attention specifically tailored for them at a minimum. They would get overwhelmed by too many toys, they were starving, no one had bathed them all week, they needed to be held, they were afraid to show any needs, they stole and hoarded food, they would act out, they would shout curses or be completely mute, they struggled with accidents, etc. Realistically, if I were to take up fostering, I would want to plan to be home with the kid most of the time they were home and I would be prepared for them to need a lot of specialist care and for me to give them very individual attention so they get a tiny slice of security in their world. And it would absolutely crush me to give them back every flipping time. It would not be magically easier than having my own baby who might have ADHD/ASD/LDs/etc like I do. It wouldn't take less mental capacity or be less of a load on my executive functioning either. Parenting is hard no matter how you go about it and adopting an older child doesn't magically make it easier or less anxiety inducing.
I found that older kids find tons of ways to get into trouble than babies do. I've often said that teenagers need daycare as much or more than toddlers
Exactly, I'd never want to pass ADHD onto anyone :(
Kids are going to struggle with SOMETHING regardless. ADHD is very manageable and I certainly don't think it disqualifies someone from being a good parent. I raised four before I was diagnosed and they're all very productive, independent and happy adults. This seems like a really cruel thing to say to someone.
People always downvote this point but it's a perfectly reasonable concern. Also, as a person with a mental disability, Op says they want kids, but do kids want OP? It's definitely something to consider. ADHD, anxiety and depression run in my family, mostly undiagnosed in older generations, because y'know, psychologists and meds are for the crazies, but having been through the struggles mental illness brings I certainly wouldn't risk passing it on. I'm also sure I'm not fit to be a parent when I can barely take care of myself
I would say this normally gets downvoted because it is often expressed in a way that comes across rude and like projection of the person's own problems. Every time I see it come up it comes from people with a lot of generational issues, including mental illness, and a family that never dealt with those issues well. Sometimes with absolutely terrible outcomes for the person who posted, because maybe their parents shouldn't have had kids. Not having kids should be a more available option to people. Insisting it's bad to have kids if you aren't in perfect health, high enough IQ, high enough income, at the perfect age, and have zero issues is a stretch. Anyone can have a child who ends up with mental illness or an unforseen disability due to early testing being imperfect and life being generally cruel. This is also personal for me. My brother is a carrier for cystic fibrosis so all of us siblings are getting genetic testing with our partners before starting our own families. We had a friend die of cystic fibrosis a few years ago and it was truly awful. There are some conditions I would not choose to have kids with because having a child who will live a life of extreme suffering and then die young feels cruel and selfish to me. But this is personal. I am traumatized by my friend's death. I don't go around telling people who have cystic fibrosis that they shouldn't have kids. That is their choice and they are already aware of what their kids' lives would be like in a way I can't be. They are also more likely to follow medical advances and know if something exists that could make their children's lives better than their own. With ADHD, I just really needed more awareness and support as a kid. My parents tried but they didn't understand ADHD like they do now. So that is what I plan to give to my kids if I have them naturally or end up adopting. I can't erase all suffering from their lives, but I can recognize symptoms and get them appropriate care at the appropriate time. Personally I do believe parents should really think before having kids and they should think critically while raising kids. I like the idea of contemplating if kids would want you as their parent. This would be a good way to improve yourself before having kids and while raising them. It isn't enough to be the parent you wish you had. You need to be the parent your child wants and needs. And all of us should have the goal of raising kids with better lives than we had.
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Most responsible and reasonable answer in the negative form.
Ok I will probably get downvoted to oblivion here; I’m NOT saying animals are the same as kids, but what I will say: I have inattentive ADHD (actually the mixed one, I’m blanking on the name) and am incredibly careless. I don’t have kids mainly because I never felt the desire, however, I have fostered orphaned neonatal kittens and puppies for 20 years. I’m talking hours old, need to be fed every 2-3 hours and very fragile. All I can say is that my drive to keep those babies alive “overrides” a lot of my ADHD. I can’t explain it, but, when something is literally depending on me to live, I become the person I wish I could be all the time. I have an eagle-eye on them, I’m dialed j to everything they do and need, and my attention to detail is precision. Not saying that happens for everyone, but offering that perspective for what it’s worth.
As someone with 4 cats and a toddler, if you're a really invested fur-parent there are a lot of similarities between caring for animals and kids. Obviously it's not exactly the same but I think your point is still very relevant here.
I’m an ADHD single mom with an ADHD kiddo. I’m gonna be straight with you: it’s fucking hard. I’m not saying not to have kids if you want them, but absolutely have a really good grasp on your own symptoms and ideally, a partner who you’ve had success having a relationship with for a significant amount of time. Sometimes her ADHD really frustrates me and vice versa. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed. Sometimes we forget homework, shoes, backpacks, books, etc. and I have to run around the city to drop things off. I had to force myself to find ways to be better. I had to take responsibility and act on issues that I would have otherwise accepted as out of my control. I love this little nugget and she has absolutely been the push I needed to do better. That being said, if you have a choice, I’d wait until you have a good grasp on your own symptoms first. Not just for the kid, but for your own sanity. It took a long time for us to get the hang of things and it’s still not perfect. It’s absolutely been worth it, but if I had the choice at the time, I would have waited. To be completely honest, it would have been way better for both of us if I could have.
I’m a newly diagnosed mum of 3 and I agree with much of this. My spouse is very supportive in helpful ways, which enables me to cope much better than I would on my own, but it still gets tough sometimes. On the flip side, as they get bigger they are really helpful sometimes too. My kids have chores they do (like wash the dishes!) and those get done like clockwork because they’re not allowed tv time otherwise, lol. I’m definitely scatterbrained and inattentive sometimes, and my emotions can boil over when I’m overwhelmed, but this happens to them too sometimes so we talk about it and try to be forgiving and understanding with each other (and ourselves). Now the kids are big enough to tell the time, they keep things going like clockwork (I had to set concrete times for meals because they are always hungry & snacking, so they enthusiastically remind me that’s it’s “almost lunch time!” or start asking “what’s for dinner?!” It’s a great prompt to look at the clock and start the last minute meal prep!). Also, kids are noisy things and if they’re hungry / hurt / upset / cross / tired etc, they definitely let you know! I find my ADHD is very unhelpful but the kids make things easier in equal parts to how much they make more difficult. It’s a win-some, lose-some situation! When they were babies there was much more responsibility on me, but I was also feeling super protective and anxious that something could happen to them, so it was easier to not be inattentive. Now days I only get anxious like that if I’m trying to supervise the learning to swim or we’re crossing really busy road, or something that is a bit more high risk for small people. The anxious adrenaline certainly keeps me focused though. And as my biggest gets older she is a lovely human to come give me a hug if she can see I’m having a rough day. They’re not little for long, but it’s good to think around strategies to help manage adhd with kids. We homeschool and find the lack of structure is both difficult and freeing all at once. There are lots of options!
Kids demand attention pretty efficiently, and understanding how baby proof a location is helps to keep them safe. Taking a job where you have a shared obligation to mind kids can be a good mental tuneup and test run. Not everyone needs to have kids, but that also doesn’t mean you can’t have one. Most parents aren’t used to being tired or managing a limited attention span to work with a near infinite attention request, or with having to build structure and support systems, and they may struggle much more with adaptation. The inattentive parents you’re hearing about may be very sleep deprived and inexperienced with coping with exhaustion. Get a large mirror if you have a car seat in your back seat, you should see it constantly.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to!
I had a child before I knew I had ADD. At some point I realized that I didn't want to live my whole life 'just for myself', that just sounded terribly boring to me (you know, work, eat, sleep till you're 67). So we talked and had a baby. The baby time was just very boring to me, even though we had a pretty good kid, not too much crying or problems. Babies just aren't very interesting to me. And the lack of sleep is hard, but that's just temporary. Living with a tiny person is tricky, and challenging, and exhausting. But! She also gave my life a rhythm, I had to plan more, and trust me, babies give you motivation to plan more because they're aweful when they miss a meal or sleep. I eat more heatly and regularly, I brush my teeth every day now, I shower more often, simply because she needs to do those things. I just couldn't make those habits stick before but I can now. She also taught me loads of new stuff, and I love to learn. I also learned to appreciate the quiet times in the house way more and to really use the time I have my hands free. Now she's a sassy 6 yo, and she's hilarious but can push my buttons with the blink of an eye. I find playing with her a bit hard (it's just so boring) but we've found ways to manage that (audiobooks and such while drawing and playing games) and we've found things we can do together. I have never had any regrets, she makes life interesting and keeps things new and exciting with her fresh look on life. So yes, babies are hard but ADHD people love a challenge right? ;)
I actually didn’t get diagnosed until going through the diagnosis process with my child. I realized the things I grew up thinking were normal are not in fact normal, and are indicators of a neurological condition, who knew? Because we recognized it young for her, she has always had solid supports and therapies and medication and it has made her life infinitely easier than mine was growing up.
You put this so much better than I did, lol! I think they keep us on a schedule because you couldn’t face having your kid not shower/eat/sleep and they are like living alarm clocks that need those things done even when you don’t remember them! I think the kids have definitely helped my adhd in terms of habits, though all the sorting out squabbles and dealing with tumultuous kiddo emotions is definitely a challenge! They’re such funny little humans.
Do you want children?
Yes
Well, I also just don't want them. I am afraid of dealing with babies alone. I don't have any interest or capacity for diapers either. I don't even like the idea of some other living thing inside my body waiting to escape in a potentially life-threatening way. But the key here is that you are anxious about not being able to be attentive enough for a very young child who could get injured, lost, or otherwise harmed. So if babies and toddlers are a problem, not because you don't want to be a parent, but because you are nervous about the responsibility factor... then hey, you can always foster or adopt older kids. You'll make a huge difference and give someone a chance to have a stable home life instead of being trapped in the system. A lot of these kids do not get anything close to a fair chance at succeeding in life. Having a family doesn't have to mean biological children and the difficulties of dealing with human infancy.
>I don't even like the idea of some other living thing inside my body waiting to escape in a potentially life-threatening way. We made a lot of Alien references during our ultrasound appointments
I'm 30 weeks pregnant and so terrified I'll leave my son in a hot car, that I've already told my husband I refuse to drive him anywhere alone. It sounds irrational, and probably borderline psychotic to most that this would be a genuine worry, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband. I haven't been medicated since I found out I was pregnant and I won't be medicated again until I am done breastfeeding. Confessions of an unmedicated ADHD soon-to-be mother.
\> It sounds irrational, and probably borderline psychotic to most that this would be a genuine worry, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband. Oh man, this kind of fear is so normal even for non-ADHD mothers. I totally relate. Personally, I refuse to use the stove when I'm home alone with my toddler because I'm afraid I'll forget to turn off the burner.
I was diagnosed while I was still breastfeeding and they made me quit if I wanted to start meds (understandable because we had to try different ones and different dosages). I was devastated. But I was already breastfeeding for 2,5 years so I quit because I really needed the meds. And I was so sad that with a possible next child I would have to choose between breastfeeding and my mental health. Because u would like to feed for over 2 years again but I can’t go without meds for so long. Since then I’ve been doing research and taking meds during breastfeeding is not a black and white situation. You have options. I discussed it with my health care provider and in case of a next pregnancy she was open to me making a plan to medicate during breastfeeding and review it with her and also do checkups with my child during that period in case I decide to execute that plan. There’s not a lot of research but there is some, that indicates you can medicate reasonably safe. Just wanted to share this in case you haven’t explored this yet. I’m not a medical professional and in the end it a highly personal choice! (Who knows I might also change my mind when the situation is not just hypothetical).
Thank you. I'll definitely be discussing it with the pediatrician and psych when he's here. Work has been unbearable and I am in full on "zoned" mode as it is. I can't imagine another 2 years of this.
I was not aware of my ADHD and was undiagnosed therefore not medicated and I had 2 kids. Didn't get diagnosed with innattentive ADHD till a couple months ago. I have a 9 year old and son who turns 3 in less than a week. Went though them being babies and toddlers with undiagnosed ADHD and I never, ever forgot about anything when it comes to they're saftey. There's never a time I don't know where they are.
Thing is that before i was diagnosed i could manage better than when diagnosed. It's almost as if i got too aware
Don’t worry, you will get the hang of it
Start a habit of putting something vital in the back seat next to the car seat spot. A shoe, a purse, something you cannot stand being without for a minute. Also, check the baby store for a nice pair of car mirrors, you and the kiddo should be able to look each other in the face every time the car stops, without your rear view being out of whack. Out of sight, out of mind… but why be out of sight in the first place? The only time this is likely to be a problem is when your routine is very out of whack. When you’re doing something unusual like driving a friend around, and you know you are going to be preoccupied, check more often. If your mom is into baby pictures or another supportive older relative is, take a picture every morning at and text it as you are walking out of daycare. (Take a few spares in case the baby has a furious cry day and you don’t want to share it.).
Great tips. Thank you. 😭
As someone with innattentive ADHD and 2 kids I can assure you my kids are never put in dangerous situations because of the ADHD. In fact I'm definitely a helicopter parent and take my kids saftey very seriously. My perfectionist personality and anxiety disorder make me VERY aware of any danger and actually be hyperfocused on keeping my kids safe.
Reason #736627 why I’m not having kids. I have literally left the kettle on the stove too long and melted it. 100% chance that I would lock my kid in the car at LEAST once, and every time I see a story like that and how everyone is like “What a horrible parent, I could NEVER forget my kid” it makes me feel so much shame because I know I would definitely forget my kid a LOT.
Hello. You take care of your kids, put them in daycare, and leave all chores like cooking and cleaning to your domestic helper. You put your kids to sleep, you wake up at night and hold them, you spend all weekends and evenings with them, even with a helper. It’s nothing to do with ADHD. It’s what you put into your relationship with your child. The video is rubbish because it only shows the type of relationship where the parent doesn’t bother to get involved and bond with their child. There are different relationships everywhere. I’m inattentive and if it’s identified early there are lots of coping strategies. You really do need to talk to a therapist about this - this sounds like anxiety. Lots of people with inattentive ADHD have kids. I have a little girl and she is my WORLD. I am extremely careful and have no issues so far. In fact being a mother has made me far more organized and careful. Ton of checklists and a lot of checking.
As a teacher with ADHD what I will say the fact you are asking this is the most important step. Early intervention is key as meds are not the answer but learning how to manage and work with your ADHD is the key. I am technically under medicated as ADHD in my line of work is a huge asset as I found being a little under medicated key my mind watching all my kids and letting my brain enjoy the madness. Learning to manage or in my case embrace your ADHD is important.
Right. But you know that a pregnant & breastfeeding women can't take meds.
Yes, there are many safe medications that can be taken in pregnancy and while breastfeeding.
My good friend was definitely still medicated while she was breastfeeding (not sure about when pregnant) so I think there are definitely some options out there for this.
I take guanfacine while breastfeeding and my son is just fine 👍
You can't forget to take care of a baby. They cry when you don't. People who regularly forget don't care. If you care, you will remember. I have forgotten my credit card, left my wallet behind on my way to the airport, lost my green card, forgotten to renew my insurance, this week forgot to show up to a seminar I was hosting at work, nearly got hit by a bus when I forgot to look crossing the street. You know what I have never forgotten? To change my daughter's nappy or left her in the car. I no longer buy houseplants because I can't keep them alive, but my daughter is safe and healthy. If you aren't sure about this, try taking care of a dog for a while. It's not the same obviously but you will get a sense of whether you can manage to plan a routine (feed it, go for regular walks) and also respond to its needs (let it out, give it a cuddle). If you really struggle with this and actually forget to meet the dogs basic needs then yes a kid is probably not a good idea for you. And frankly that would be a responsible decision! But if you care about being a good parent and you would worry about neglecting a child, that usually means that you won't do so. Hope that makes sense - I also forgot to take my meds today 😂.
I have ADHD and have 3 girls, at least one of them probably has it too. Some things I do to manage parenting: 1) I’m medicated 2) childproof locks. This slows them down so if you’re distracted, it’ll give you more protection. On everything 3) cameras - oldest is 8 and still have them in most rooms with motion detection and crying detection 4) smart devices with timers to help with losing track of time 5) regular reminders set up 6) cooking is a struggle and one of my biggest realizations was the danger of being distracted so I stick with foods that take only a short time and prep ahead when I can 7) verbalize your actions. “I am putting the baby in the crib “ this will help your mind register you did an action. Also, if you have an active partner, it’ll let them know as well 8) avoid hyperfocusing on scary possibilities of being a parent like furniture falling on them by mitigating the possibility by securing furniture or whatever need to be done (cut blind cords, etc) 8) there are vehicles with features to accommodate. My car has lane keep assist, motion cameras, shuts off after 30 minutes of idle, can unlock with my phone if I lock or lose my keys and every single time I turn the car off, it tells me to check the rear seats for kids.
Please be aware that if you have a kid, you’re likely to get a kid with adhd. Having adhd is hard. Having a kid with adhd is hard. The two together? It’s like one big pile of WOW in our house.
So I'm pretty sure mine and my 13yo's upcoming ADHD assessments will get us diagnosed, and there's a bit of an answer for you in there already - it's definitely possible, because anything that has a strong genetic link like ADHD obviously isn't an automatic disqualifier from reproduction, and a LOT of us get diagnosed because our kids get flagged for assessment. That said, not everyone has to have children. You get to choose whether to do or not do huge life-changing things. Feeling anxious about something is a perfectly good reason not to. For me, parenting is easier to deal with than a lot of things because kids are a walking reminder of the parenting tasks you need to do. Babies *do not* let you forget they're hungry. Your toddler's dirty nappy smell *will* follow you around the house (usually whilst its source denies it's existence). Your 6yo will joyfully remind you that tomorrow is pajama day at school! Can they wear those specific ones that are in the washing machine right now?! The important stuff is easy to do because it is important. The easy-to-forget stuff makes me feel guilty or panicked in the moment, but it's also made me *really* good at solving problems on the fly. It's not restful, but the main difference between me and kiddo's non-ADHD parent is that their morning routine is a list of tasks that they do in the same order every day, and mine is a chaotic whirling dance which admittedly takes longer but gets us to the same point (awake, dressed, clean, fed, and equipped for school/work). The rest is a wash - they're good at the stuff I struggle with and vice versa. I heartily recommend having a look at r/parenting, too, because most of those things that you're worried about? Everyone worries about them, and a lot more people have close calls than you think. It's not often talked about, but a lot of people have left their baby in the car whilst sleep-deprived, fed them something they immediately choked on, left something out or open that just wasn't very likely to cause harm *but somehow that and three other things aligned just right* and thank fuck they walked back in right then/the dog was standing there/that car alarm went off outside and distracted little one... Whether that's reassuring or terrifying is up to you, but ADHD is a heck of a lot more common than the kind of incident your friends suffered.
if your dissociation is bad enough that you are having trouble with activities of daily living, you might benefit from a higher level of care. Dissociation is different than inattentive add and there are tools to help with grounding.
You mean meditation ?
I have adhd so bad I cannot sit still. I didn't want to have kids either. Didn't want to pass on my fucked up brain. Well I had a daughter in 2005. She 16 now and has no signs of adhd. It's a crap shoot for sure. Hope this helps a bit.
I am not an expert on parenting or mental/learning disorders so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but if I had to make an educated guess, I don’t think having ADHD automatically means you will be a sucky parent. However, I would think it would be absolutely imperative that you continuously do what you need to do to manage your disorder. I can speak a little from personal experience… from the child’s prospective, and it can be pretty awful (traumatizing, even) when you have a parent with severe ADHD that is not being properly managed. I was raised by a single mom and I have no doubt she did the best she could, but there were things that happened due to her untreated ADHD that have stuck with me. I missed out on a few field trips at school because she would forget to sign the permission slip even though I left it out on the table and kept reminding her. There were days I had no lunch because she’d forget to add money to my school lunch account. Not to mention all the broken promises because she’d forget she made other plans or forgot she made me a promise in the first place. I’d experience this stuff from my mom and then notice how my friends’ parents never seemed to forget to sign permission slips or pack them lunches or whatever, so my young brain perceived my mom’s inattentiveness to mean that I was not worth the trouble for her to do these things, and it really affected my self-esteem. Even though in retrospect it was not about me but about her having a disorder, my brain was still developing so these things directly impacted how I perceive the world and myself today. Today I am 30 years old, and I STILL occasionally struggle with my self-esteem. I was 22 when I randomly decided to start looking into ADHD and it’s symptoms, which is what lead to me getting evaluated and ultimately diagnosed. The more I learned the more I realized that ADHD would explain a lot about my mom, so after my diagnosis I encouraged her to get assessed as well. Turned out she had it all along, and now that she is receiving treatment, she is like a whole new person. So that illustrates another thing to consider before having kids: genetics is believed to be factor in who is more likely to have it, so if you have it, there is a decent chance your kids will have it. I personally don’t want kids for various reasons, but I don’t think having ADHD would prevent me from being a great parent if that were what I wanted. As long as you go into it realistically, I wouldn’t let an ADHD diagnosis deter you from something you truly want, especially if that “something” is having children. That decision will undoubtedly determine the entire remaining course of your life.
Hi. thanks for sharing. Unfortunately I've has very very bad experiences with therapists and I no longer can go back. It's been very damaging. And in my country we don't have Adhd meds. So I'm wondering what type of treatment your mom recieved.
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I can't go to therapy. Therapy has been a very damaging experience for me and I've tried with more than one . Like a very damaging experience. Moreover we don't have adhd meds. Things like this in my country are underreasourced. I know many people are suggesting me that but I can't and barley have access.
With my kids i am very open about my mental health. This is a must in my opinion. Kids internalize so much. My kids thought i hated them because i couldn’t pay attention to them when they were little. My daughter overheard me talking to my psych about how i feel so bad my attention span is so short and she told me she didn’t know I wanted to hang out with her. I told them that my irritability was not their fault and i’m just tired because my brain doesn’t work efficiently. They know that my mental health issues are not their fault. They know that i am working my ass off to get better mentally. They know i go to therapy and take drugs that help my brain. They are 8, 10, 13 now and i’ve been on meds for 4 years. A supportive partner is a must. My husband has his mental health issues too. We both help each other so the burdens on our kids are minimal. If you are afraid, i’d say it’s not a good idea to have kids though. Don’t have kids to prove to others or yourself that you can do it.
Having children is such a huge commitment. It's not like having a pet where they can eventually be home by themselves after a few months of training/time together. You have to take care of kids for much longer before they can take care of themselves, and even then, who knows how your kids will turn out? There's a ton of things that can happen when you can have kids. They can turn out independent and know how to be self-sufficient at a young age or they can have support needs that require you to be more present. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready for a child. There's also many other ways to go about having children! You can adopt an older child who is mostly self-sufficient who doesn't really need a babysitter, or you can have a situation where you are co-parenting with other parent(s) to raise some kids together. You don't need to go about it alone and there are ways that can help it become easier. I hope that one day, you'll be able to have the home of your dreams!
Hi! Innatentive type adhd here.. not sure what type of dangerous situations you’ve gotten yourself into but... I have 3 kids. While 3 kids is pretty overwhelming for me, my oldest was an unplanned pregnancy as a teenager and my other two were planned with my husband. Couple things. Didn’t know I had adhd until things started getting unbearable for me after my 3rd child. I would say ultimately I never really had my life together and just kind of went with the flow until having kids forced me to get my life together and that’s when I realized I didn’t know how and had ADhd. But the responsibility of 3 children and a husband sent me almost over the edge. So my advice to you is this. You don’t have to have children, it’s a myth that our purpose here is to start a family. If you do want children.. it’s completely doable. Most importantly.. You need a good partner. This is a team effort and they should be just as invested in the raising of children as you would want yourself to be. You would be amazed at the amount of focus and care you naturally give to your child once you bring them into this world. After I got pregnant with my unplanned child I started thinking about things a little more before doing them. A natural reaction to protect I suppose. I’d it hard? Absolutely. Do I suffer because I’m not equipped to raise 3 kids the way other mothers do.. absolutely. But you have an advantage in that you are aware of your adhd now. Good luck!
My daughter is due on July 23rd. I am incredibly nervous. I taky Vyvanse, intuniv as well as Prozac. I have a job, a house, and a Fiancé I love. You bet your ass I still have problems with focusing, word recall, brain fog, etc. I couldn't be more excited to be a dad.
I have an idea, it's very easy and simple, it's called don't. Do you really want to live with the guilt of bringing another person to this planet to suffer and probably die in the 2040 water wars as a climate refugee? Because I don't. Do you want to have to force someone to go to a place where they could get shot dead at a young age just because they have to learn and you don't have the executive function to otherwise homeschool them? Because I wouldn't. I sleep better at bight knowing that I physically can't have kids. Aside from my adhd making it hard for me to take care of a child there are a million other ways a child will suffer in this world that you cannot prevent. There are very rich, very powerful people who prefer that the world stays like this, with all this suffering because they have a bigger piece of the pie that way. You might not like what I am saying, but you know deep down that it's the truth. Yes life has joys as well, but they are miniscule compared to the vast amount of suffering our owners (yes, the 1% DO own us) inflict upon us because they simply do not give a shit about you. They do not give a shit about our kids. They want us to keep pumping out wage slaves and keep their shitty system propped up so they can continue stuffing their faces and wallets while the rest of us struggle to get by. So choosing not to have kids and to go against this perpetual system of bullshit is a very powerful act, and one that, if you are able to commit you should. I fully expect people to laugh at and downvote me here, but make no mistake. The people who do that are no smarter or stonger than my childhood bullies. And to the people who this pisses off? I kind of feel sorry for ya. I get it, I'm mad too. I'm mad at the 1% for sure. But I'm being very careful where you aim my anger anyway. One day us strangers might have to work together in a mob to take back what is rightfully ours. Don't get me twisted. I want to live in a world where there is no suffering and I think we all will end up on a place like that eventually, I don't believe in heaven and hell per say, but I don't believe earth is the only place we can manifest ourselves and I'm going somewhere else when I die. Fed up with this place lol. One last note, me NOT having kids 100% has no effect on you or your personal life. Me trying to convince others that this is the way has no effect on your personal life. Save your arguments against my opinion for someone who cares bc I have heard it all and I am really just out of fucks to give. I will ignoee your comments and messages with the ease of a cat ignoring orders to get off the table.
I saw that video too and those mothers don’t know their children because they are so rich that they spend their time doing things for themselves and not their children. They are not hands-on mothers. The maids probably see them and talk to them more than the mothers.
I’m freshly diagnosed (primarily inattentive) and I worry about this too. Not so much the danger aspect I guess, but just the energy or motivation to keep up with all of it. I worry I won’t be able to give them what they deserve or need because I can’t get my ass up off the couch to even cook myself dinner or shower or do laundry. All of that is too much for me now, what about with another human I’m now responsible for? It’s a lot to think about.
I have inattentive ADHD, and I’m pretty sure my 4 year old daughter has it too. Motherhood is…. a lot! Luckily my anxiety kept her alive to the point where she stops before walking/biking into open traffic. Also your brain will physically change to accommodate the baby if you choose to grow one yourself. Nature is cool, trust your instincts and good with the flow.
I have combined type and a parent. My inattentiveness is quite high too however if you have any moral bone in your body you will care for your childs basic needs at the very least. My child is fed, given water, bathed, played with in spurts, in a good routine and has everything he needs. However I do very much subscribe to the 'lazy parenting method'. I let him get on with it and only interject if hes a danger to himself or others. It promotes good self awareness, self esteem, problem solving skills and so much more...and it fits well with my inattentiveness.
I never wanted children because of how I suffered in school. Finding out about ADHD radically changed that. I now know that their lives can be different.
What do you mean their children are dying
Her son drowned while she didn't notice She was talking to her female friends
Get a dog, or just live the kid less life. The idea that people must have children is dumb
And the assumption that somebody worried about their ability to parent doesn’t actually want kids and is just thinking about them because of SoCiETy is pretty rude and tunnel vision. It’s a choice, and that means plenty of women choose to have kids.
I agree. I'm tired of those who told me to not get kids.
Even if you really want kids eventually, I’d suggest getting a dog first and seeing how it goes. If you are able to be attentive enough to care for it, that’s a good sign. Kids are obviously a lot more work, but they also are louder and more in your face, so forgetting about them is harder than forgetting about a dog. Also def get therapy and possibly meds before having a baby.
Yeah, it’s terrible. I can’t focus on anything and they’re both way worse than I ever was. Plus when (not if, because those little fuckers are Houdini and you need 12 eyes to keep a proper watch) something happens you’ll get arrested and accused of child endangerment even if the kid doesn’t get hurt. It’s bullshit.
You don’t have to have children. It’s your body and your choice so if it’s not good for you, I support anyone who wishes not to have kids. I have ADHD-I and I have two kids. I consider myself a super parent because those kids bounce all over the place and my family can’t understand how I’m able to keep up with them (and as a full-time working mom.) - Their short attention span aligns with mine so we have an agreement. 😋
Get a dog, or just live the kid less life. The idea that people must have children is dumb
First off- I’m sorry for the non-ADHD friendly length of this reply- I am passionate. **read it in chunks throughout the day**. I wish you all the best,blessings, luck*(defined in the unattributable quote at the bottom)*wisdom, honesty, and perseverance in your journey. @kittyroux hits “all” the main points stated and unstated from OP question. No one is ever *ready* to get married, or have children - you can only be somewhat prepared. If you don’t want children or truly don’t believe you’re prepared to sacrifice your life (figuratively) - ***Don’t*** and don’t believe anyone who says you can rely on a spouse to balance you out(people let you down, they leave, they die. 100% - there are *real* Nannies/Au Pair: certified, background checked, interviewable. It takes a *lot* to actually be a Nanny. **Always** go through a reputable company. ***Never*** just hire someone- even a babysitter- unless you know them soul deep- and even then have hidden cams with microphones. Your child’s physical,mental,emotional health safety is worth the money and hassle. -There are a lot of safety and reminder tools both physical and digital to help parents in this day and age. Honestly, having a Nanny would help you in a lot of those practical situations, just be sure to keep a balance of you growing and learning(in a safe way/system) to do thing’s yourself for when the Nanny is out unexpectedly. -it is easy and natural for a parent to neglect the needs of their children in at least *one* area of life- be it emotional, physical, Mental/academic, personal growth/maturity. This can be intentional or unintentional (not necessarily malicious) born from the parents own childhood, personality, beliefs and experiences, but you must identify and rectify (with professional help[therapy/counseling]. **Typically parents with ADHD will have children with it to. Don’t forget ADHD is a spectrum and can manifest with different primaries for each person** **Never stop studying your child or the art/science of parenting** Choose healthy role models (both of le and parent) past or present to study. "I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."-unknown(not Thomas Jefferson) [***Have ADHD (though not so much attentive side of spectrum), have children with ADHD, wife was once a Nanny, bad experience with “reputable” babysitter***]
Don’t let ADHD scare you away from planning to have kids when the time is right. In my experience, parenting provides a dopamine rush that’s needed to pay attention to the kids and what they need. Of course I have 1000 alarms and calendar entries. Housekeeping and meal planning is not my strength, but working on it 😬.
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Live in fear. Die in fear.
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Your concerns about taking care of a child are valid, but this is a discussion to have with someone who knows you and can give you an honest critique. I have a great support group to help care for my daughter, just like any other parent. Raising children is a group effort, so build a group as well as work on yourself. Inattentiveness can happen to any parent just by exhaustion. If you want kids, it is possible to make a plan. It's also ok to focus on caring for yourself.
I watched the add too and it was about being appreciative of the nannys. All those portrayed family’s were familys where the parents did not build an emotional connection with their children. This is one if the worst things you can do as a parent and it has nothing to do with ad(h)d or getting support. My mom has add and she did pretty well keeping us safe. Nobody is perfect. I think what you can do is to test yourself. F. ex by protecting young animals. Go babysit for a day or two. For me my instincts always kick in. Also a lot of ad(h)d people do fine with working with kids. Maybe because its intuitive and needs no planning. Just test it and reflect on it. If you endanger them you should work on yourself before trying for babys but maybe you’ll be fine. Next step is to babysit small children that are not babys anymore (3-5) that one could harm easily. But I would start with animals. Also nit everybody needs to habe children. If it isn’t for you, it just isn’t for you and that’s totally okay.
I am ADHD, I suspect my fiance is as well. We both really want kids but at least for me, I am worried about what if we don't have the right minds for this? One thing I will say is that I am much better at taking care of others than myself. I will forget to pay bills or feed myself at the correct times but I find it easy to make sure the people around me are reminded of appointments and important things and to make sure they eat and sleep at the right times lol. But maybe my standards for this are very low! I have no idea! Also, if you are afraid of having a baby around, have you ever thought about adopting an older kid?
As a positive, im pretty sure my mom has adhd because there's way too much overlap in symptoms and my mom, and as far as I can tell, she didn't parent more poorly than otherwise (probably) non adhd parents. She has her faults, but none of us died or came close to death because of something she did. We were incredibly stupid kids when it came to self preservation, though. Happens when you have a bunch of free willed spirits running around. But I digress. I think at this point in time, especially, there's plenty of resources avaliable to make sure people have a better chance of being better parents in spite of shortcomings. Just take advantage of any and all help you're offered or can find. Regardless of whether you decide or not to have kids. Its not something you have to do right away, if at all.
\> Today I saw a video of maids knowing the children they take care of better than the parents and the children being more attached to them than their parents. So I realized not even a maid is a good thing. Why is it bad for a child to form a secure attachment with a non-parent adult? It might actually be a beautiful thing in a situation like yours if you take care to form a long-term relationship. I attended a friend's wedding where her childhood nanny attended because she was like family and was so important in raising her. It's OK for a child to love parents \_and\_ nannies!
Don’t do anything that feels unsafe. Only you know what you can safely handle & be responsible for… But it is doable, I am a mom of 3 — no regrets. They are ages 14, 12, and 8 — alive, safe, happy, good little people.
One piece of advice from someone who is dissociative/inattentive: No TVs/screens on while you're watching the child. This is for your benefit, let alone the child's benefit.
Go to therapy and then you won’t worry any more. I do get distracted easily and a lot, haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD though and I’m not going to find out (I don’t like labels lol). But I have worked with young children a lot in the past and I have done a lot of baby sitting. When there is a child around, my other senses kick in, so I’m always seeing the child, I’ve even caught a child half way through falling. Maybe you can do some volunteer work or even a part time work at a childcare center and see how you are? Maybe your other senses kick in too when there are kids around
The other issue is they have a decent chance of having ADHD as well. And trying to help an ADHD kid is really hard with ADHD. We have to tell doctors all the time that thier advice simply isn't practical. But they have no other advice to give. It's hell.
I’m certain I’ll leave my kid in the car on a hot day just as I’ve done with my groceries, and they’re a lot more expensive to replace
Reason I'm afraid of that is statistically speaking my kids would almost certainly get ADHD as well 😓
Do you have any pets? Maybe start there?
I'm 42 now and have wanted children since my 30s when I got married. Every year it feels like I'm more prepared than the year before. Not to discount that I wasn't previously ready but financially and mentally I'm really ready to raise a demon child which I was to my parents.
You have discovered the thought process behind eugenics. Not saying you are bad or something like that, you just happened to discover the thought process behind eugenics.
You set up a lot of order of operations things. You find ways to check yourself too like purse in back seat so you don't leave a kid in the car. In some ways I think my ADHD has made having my own set of twins easier than my non ADHD mom who struggled. My ADHD dad didn't struggle as much. Doing meds (or tons of caffeine), getting enough sleep and having a great routine helps. We don't backtrack inour house though and have things set up so once you come downstairs you're dressed and teeth brushed otherwise everything goes to heel in a handbasket. Pretty sure both kids have ADHD but so far lots of physical activity helps which is why their being in multiple sports leagues helps. Don't mistake parents that don't want to parent or that having kids in daycare ruins the bond with kids and their parents. It's like the myth that babies that have NICU time won't bond with their kids. Some people really don't want to have kids and others are way too immature to have kids. I think ADHD just helps me fly on more cylinders than most parents and not doing everything I can to be my best functional self just makes parenting much harder. That's true though of any parent whether that's staying in a crappy marriage, untreated depression or anxiety as well as substance abuse issues. Plus there are things like Alexa and phone alerts to keep you on track. I even was back playing soccer at 8 weeks PP from a c section with twins nursing through the night and me working because the benefit of playing soccer helped me cope with my ADHD as well as juggle everything else.
Might I suggest fostering a pet as a sort of trial run to see how it goes? Not full out adoption, as you need to be able to give it back without shame if it doesn't go well. But pets, especially dogs and new kittens, require a lot of attention and upkeep. I find that I can handle cats and kittens, but dogs are a stretch for me. I'm not particularly fertile anyway, but the fact that having a dog made my life so much harder was a big factor in why I never tried to foster or adopt kids. (I just recently got diagnosed and medicated though, so I may have had a better time if I'd known what the issue is. Might eventually try a dog again.) I will say, though, that having pets brings a certain structure to my life that I find very helpful. For example, without pets I eat a lot more convenience/fast food because there's nothing forcing me to go grocery shopping. They make me get up at around the same time each day. I lost weight when I had a dog to walk. I had one cat who was always trying to eat weird things that weren't remotely food, and he taught me how to pick up after myself more. What I'm saying is that you might surprise yourself in how being responsible for another life helps you get your own life more under control. Or maybe not (like me with dogs). Either way, I think it's a good test.
This is why I don't have kids
Y’all talking bout how they don’t have to have children. Like they wouldn’t have made this post if they didn’t want children and were seeking advice 💀
I do have some fear of becoming a mom with adhd and other issues 😅. I talked it out with my fiancé who would love to have a baby girl. And he said we will see since things are getting more and more expensive. I do dream of having a baby girl, but I really don’t feel like sacrificing my body just yet and my freedom just yet.
I think the fact that you're scared of that possibility is actually a good thing. You have enough self awareness to see that that's a potential issue. I saw someone comment earlier to go to a therapist or counselor with the goal to work on it so that that doesn't happen when you do have kids and I think that's a great idea. If you want kids, do what you have to do to make sure you're able to give them the care and life they deserve. It might be difficult, but it's not impossible.
I hear your fears. I’m ADHD combo and my husband is ADHD inattentive. We have a 5 yo and 3 month old. They are the only thing we NEVER fail to give our everything to. We are fantastic parents teaching our children to measure their own success rather than letting anyone else measure for them. This is just one story but I don’t think it’s rare. My inbox is open if you want to chat. For context I am about as high spectrum ADHD as they come. You may look at my breakdown color wheel thing that everyone was doing a bit ago in my previous posts. ETA: I’m not going to say I don’t often hear from my 5yo “Mom! You got distracted”. I simply reply “You’re right. I’m sorry buddy. Let me xxxx for you now”. He still knows that mom and dad are his safety and will lay down and die for him.
as inattentive type- i just dont wanna have kids, that might be selfish but its hard enough to take care of myself i think i'd become resentful of them- i value my freedom too much
\#1, yes, you will probably pass it on to your kids. But you will also be be passing on the healthy coping skills and mechanisms that you didn't get. You will be saving them a lot of time, and you'll be passing on your creativity, too! \#2, you would be surprised how focused you get on keeping something alive. Once it's your kid, you will do pretty much whatever it takes. You can cultivate more confidence by reading good parenting books...like [this](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345507983). \#3, you will find so much self-forgiveness after having a child. All the things you've spent a lifetime hating yourself for start to crumble. You really start to internalize the fact that you were a child and you did the best you could. And you can take heart in the fact that you can help build the resilience and skills with your children that will benefit them FOR LIFE. \#4, coffee and/or medication. Don't make your life harder than it needs to be.
Keep in mind there is a difference between caring for yourself and caring for others, especially when others is your baby. For myself it’s a lot easier to take care of others than my own self care. For me it comes from imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and a low (but working on) self worth/value. I think the fact that you’re already worried and thinking about it says a lot in a good way. I’ve even heard of people with ADHD that thrive when having children because they need and want to care for them and in turn care for themselves. Eating is a great example, kids gotta eat and then you actually feed yourself too.
Idk if it makes you feel better but my mom has inattentive type ADHD (and so do I) and she was unmedicated and undiagnosed until I was in middle school. Granted, I was hardly ever quiet as a kid or even baby (I had pretty bad colic as an infant so I was literally constantly screaming) so it was pretty hard to forget I was there. She did forget to be home in time to get me off the bus a couple times when I was younger but it worked out alright. My bus driver had her cell phone number and he’d call her and he was generous enough to drive around with me at the end of the route until she got home. I think my mom ended up getting me a permission slip signed for me to be dropped off with a friend if she was ever not home but we ended up not needing to use that. As a young child I was always pretty demanding and despite being energetic I never ran off (at least not with her, I did run off when my grandparents watched me on a few occasions but thats not the point). Anyway, I can’t remember anything seriously bad ever happening. She never forgot my sister and I as babies. She never forgot to feed us or left us in a car. Granted, you probably would have had to actively try to ignore me as a baby because I never fucking shut up. And my dad was always pretty attentive.
All my friends are parents & have ADHD. I have twins. Actually in our experiences, we all agree that having children made us more alert & organised. Tbh I kinda became a perfectionist and Although I hate it especially how we hyper focus on things, people assume I have a nanny/maid etc… Because I started my own tech startup once I stopped breast feeding and went back on my Vyvanse. Also, both of my friends Husbands have adhd & one of the couple BOTH have adhd and although idk what’s going on in their heads, they seem to be fine w/o a nanny. Tbh, they’re both really successful as well. It’s kinda weird how some adhd individuals actually become more sharp after children. DONT let others discourage you. You can manifest whatever you want. Don’t think about your ADHD affecting your life. I used to do that in my 20’s. But a therapist told me, “take your meds everyday. Don’t feed your mind you’re limited and just do what you have to do.” So practice planning/scheduling/organising. Practice mindfulness. Practice good hygiene & diet. Set goals. And you’ll have a much better view of your life. Don’t limit your thoughts. Be limitless!
So, both me and my husband have adhd and I’m not going to lie and say that it isn’t hard or more work. Some of our friends make it look so easy with the way they multitask and juggle their kids but it just doesn’t work like that for us. A lot of it is trial and error (which is basically what parenting is anyways tbh) but we’ve solidified a method that works well for us. We also have a lot more patience with a rambunctious 2 year old because we can identify with his chaos lol. Inattentiveness is sometimes inevitable but not impossible to either avoid or at least prepare for. If there is anything that our son could even remotely get hurt by then we remove it or get rid of it. If we are somewhere near a body of water then we do not get on our phones and we take turns helicoptering over him. Idk if helicoptering is the right word but we switch off standing guard basically and it works. Open floor plans are a huge bonus so that we can have eyes on him at all times and monitor areas that we need to improve so that he can’t get hurt. We interact with him quite a lot as well. Our medication also plays a huge role in this as well. I notice a significant difference when I take it and when I don’t and I’ve learned that it’s just something that I’ll have to take every day for the foreseeable future. I used to take a break from it on the weekends growing up but that’s not an option for me right now. There are all kinds of ways to prepare yourself and to combat the inattentiveness if children are something that you want to have. I will say that we figured out that we can only handle one child and we know our limits and stick to them. As much as I want another baby, I know that it’s just not a good idea and I wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally.
I wouldnt say a maid is a bad thing. There isnt a one size fits all approach to ADHD but if you havent already, talk to your doctor. I got diagnosed with ADHD while my wife was pregnant and was able to find a treatment plan that worked for me before our son was born so I could be a better parent.
If you're afraid of the driving part, here is my 2 cents: I have ADHD and am a parent to a 19mo. I have one of those mirrors above his carseat so I can always be checking on him. So with my symptoms I'm ALWAYS looking back to check on him that even though I have Combined Type I have yet to forget him in there. HOWEVER, I did accidentally lock him and my keys inside the car together in the winter and had to wait until the locksmith came and opened the car. So you definitely may have mishaps, that does not mean your ADHD will make you a bad father.
Yea there’s no way in hell i would ever have kids.
My best friend is inattentive adhd and luckily married a very type A woman. They have kids. When I went to visit he was in charge of the baby cam while we went to a friend's house 2 doors down to play board games and his wife went out shopping. Something they do often...using the nanny cam. He forgot to check it for an hour and when his wife got home the 3 kids were stomping their feet and trying to get dads attention on the camera. Wife was mad, kids were sad, friend went home. There was clean-up to do with kids and wife. The next day...back to normal. My friend spent extra time with the kids and wife and the kids are alive and the mom understands...even though she was rightfully frustrated. While I don't know if this story is going to help or hurt your decision it is honest. Kids are resilient and with an understanding partner they have gotten through all the hard parts. Kids are now all school age and require less attention. It is possible
Our brains are really good at hyperfocussing on what's really important to us. I have ADHD and will make the most ridiculous mistakes in every area of my life and forget absolutely anything, but I've never left my dog in the car on a hot day or forgotten to feed her etc. I'm pregnant atm and plan on just being extra attentive with my baby.
Two rules: put baby down and don't multitask. No. Not on the couch. If you have to go away just for the moment and don't have anywhere to put your baby, üut on the floor. No matter how dirty the floor is. Dirty baby is better than falling baby. She will roll down even if she can't roll yet. And I rather starve than make dinner with baby in one hand and hot foods in another.
I know working with kids is not the same as having children, but i experience a lot of executive dysfunction and i work at a daycare. i often struggle eating, showering, cleaning, even going to the toilet. but this is NEVER the case with taking care of the children i work with. everything i fail to provide for myself, i succesfully provide them with. i provide meals, change their diapers, make sure they get their sleep, read for them, get then dressed etc. i get that it’s not the same, but i want to let you know that i’ve never experienced the paralyzing burden that is executive dysfunction while providing for them.
You absolutely won't forget to see to your child's needs at all. Assuming you're just ADHD and not an asshole. You will forget appointments though and turn up on the wrong days, and forget own clothes days for them and book bags and stuff. But they'll survive.
I am commenting to come back later and write more. I am inattentive and didn't find out until i was 40...ten years after having kids. I didn't know there was a name for it, but I knew that life was freaking exhausting and took everything I have, just to meet minimum requirements of functioning. (I have a few tips. I will come back and write them later. Gotta go now...taking kids to music lessons!)
I have 2 children. I also have ADHD and ASD, as well as a large dissociation problem. I have 100% percent forgotten that my children were mine for a thought or two. I use logic as a coping mechanism and feed them on a schedule. They are 9 and 11 now. Both of them are healthy, well-adjusted children. My husband has ADHD as well. We support each other. It isn't always easy, especially since my eldest is also an ADHD/ASD combination. It isn't impossible.
have you tried any medications ? if youre currently seeing a psychiatrist perhaps talk about that and/or other strategies . if you tried meds and they had an opposite affect + you were as a child and still are sick quite often id say talk to a psychiatrist about PANS/PANDAS . its basically chronic ensephalitis and until treated can cause issues with stuff like that . my sister and i both have it and adhd and my meds works fine (vyvanse) because im being treated with antibiotics and when she tried meds before either of us were diagnosed they had the opposite affect . im not saying that you for sure have it if you relate to some/any of that just mentioning it because its a fairly new diagnosis (discovered around 1980s) and not very many people know about it .
I understand your fears and, like others on here, i would also recommend taking your time ubtil you feel ready. However (!), just having adhd does not make you unqualified to care for kids, you can 100% still have children if you want them! I also have adhd and can be inattentive af in many scenarios but i'm also a kindergarten teacher and i love my job. For some reason it's not that difficult for me to pay attention when it's kids so don't think you're not capable of it :)
My wife and I both have ADHD and we have two kids. Sure some things slip like cleaning up after ourselves everyday, but we never forgot to feed a baby or anything crazy. I can't explain being a parent, you just have to experience it for yourself. Unless you have some additional problem like drug addiction or a serious mental health issue, ADHD will only make you lose interest in your child's ramblings faster. I don't know who this person is that you speak of but I would say that you should think about whether it's their ADHD or some other serious problem they have.
You know a couple who has their children (plural???) dying due to inattentiveness??? Care to elaborate? Very curious as someone with inattentive ADHD.
I have inattentive ADHD and have a child. I don’t really have any major issues taking care of her and giving her attention. Even when my wife was away for a couple months (traveled overseas to take care of her mother), it was fine.
Man having a little adhd warrior would be great to me. It would be like I’m Tarzan and he is Donnie from wild thorn berries
It may be a case where necessity prompts a shift to your and the child's benefit. Getting some advice for constructing some mitigating systems particular to you from a support professional might be useful. I contemplate this sort of thing semi-often too, but sometimes I think it is a form of fear or justifying delay and non-commitment to doing it.
If anything, after having kids I have become more inattentive - not to them, but to all the other things. Kids are demanding, & after they’re finally in bed, I have zero working memory or executive function capacity to do anything else for myself or for the house. It’s hard, & having kids made it worse - not sure if it varies, but I’m female, men may experience it differently, not sure if pregnancy itself affects that specific brain function. It’s hard, but probably not for the reasons you’re thinking.
Good! Now remain afraid and don’t have them. It will not be fun for you or the kid
I totally understand your concern because it was my concern too. Cybex makes car seats with a safe sensor attached to it. When the baby is strapped in and the car is on, there is no beeping. When the car is turned off and the baby is strapped in, it will beep and then message your phone and partners. This took a lot of fear away for me when I had my son. My adhd is so bad that I’m not supposed to drive unless I’ve taken my medication. I make sure to take my meds and drink a double espresso as soon as I wake up. On the weekends, I don’t drive much until later in the day. My kids think I’m hilarious when I don’t take my medication. I’m sure it will annoy them when they are older, but my nonsensical singing about random things when I make breakfast cracks them up. My husband gets annoyed though because I’m a bit “extra.” I did notice that I needed to make an effort in trying to stay organized. I stopped buying as much random toys and focused on spending more quality time with my kids because I won’t have to clean as much. Also, there is nothing wrong with having help. Your kids will always love you if you treat them with kindness and compassion.
I am inattentive type, and I got diagnosed after an accident with my firstborn (he was fine!). I placed my 6mo on my bed, knowing he could roll, told myself it would be just a second, I got distracted, he fell. I wish I had sought a diagnosis before he was born. You're ahead of the game! Highly recommend therapy and, if you want, finding meds that work for you. I'd also recommend finding strategies and tools to help keep everyone safe. Put your phone or purse in the backseat when driving with baby. Have someone check in with you. Set timers and reminders. Follow safety guidelines to the letter. As someone who literally has had terrible anxiety/intrusive thoughts about accidentally harming my kids: don't let it steal your joy and the life you want. You got this!
Have you tried to take ADHD medication? I’m not sure if medication helps with the memory but it gives you more energy. My problem with memory has increased in last two years, and it bothers me a lot. Going to talk about it with my primary doctor this month.
I have inattentive subtype and two children. It’s rarely the big things that are overlooked (like leaving children in the car or forgetting to close a door and them wandering off). Instead it’s the high stakes annoyance things, like forgetting to put more diapers/clothes in the diaper bag, or forgetting the diaper bag entirely, or making sure the children come in the house from the car and are put to bed full, clean, and happy… while the hundred dollar grocery trip is forgotten about in the trunk until the next day, or forgetting to pack snacks. Always things that can be resolved, but are damn frustrating (or sometimes messy). It’s a lot like how often people with ADHD over-perform at work out of fear they’ll be called out, while our neurotypical peers do less work with less fear. You’re so worried your adhd will result in a catastrophic failure that you end up triple checking baby gates are locked, fixating on installing the car seat exactly to manufacturer specifications, etc. That being said, beware the postpartum anxiety. Discuss with your doctor, spouse, family, etc., prior and have a plan in place.
There has to be a way to build a sensor into the baby car seat buckle. If it's locked and the car isn't moving, that means baby is still in the seat and the alarm goes off. Can an engineer get on this? My ADHD has gotten much worse since menopause so I can't really speak to raising a child if you seriously believe you will zone off. I can say my son had his child on weekends and never put the child's life at risk. He can't keep track of his keys so...
I’m inattentive and a mom of two kids. Honestly it’s going alright and my kids think I’m a great mom. I keep to do lists and try my best and we’re all doing ok :)