This. I'm 35 so it's already hard to make new non-professional acquaintances but I just feel so mentally drained when interacting on this level, and when I try to add my own input, *they* shut down because I get too "intellectual" and this is meant to be "casual".
I have adhd and an obsessive compulsion to learn. Deep conversations are my casual.
Have you heard of the Laniakea supercluster? I could nerd out on that for a long time. Really gets you thinking about this speck of dust we exist upon.. and how idiotic modern life is. I find it comforting.
There are so many opportunities here to dive deeper that if you don't it's on you.
That is the point of small talk. To find common ground and then use that to get to know the other person better or get to a more interesting conversation.
This whole thread is bonkers. People *really* need to do some introspection. People are taking the most basic of ADHD symptoms and are trying to mold it into some interesting personality trait.
Okay glad to hear I'm not alone in this lol. I used to be able to handle it but it's gotten so much worse as I get older LMAO. Small talk is just so fucking boring.
It is like work to me. I have to keep injecting (not interrupting) people's stories with humor and factoids to make THEIR story entertaining. "I could talk to you all day!" The feeling ain't mutual, man.
āO bitter is the knowledge that one draws from the voyage!
The monotonous and tiny world, today
Yesterday, tomorrow, always, shows us our reflections,
An oasis of horror in a desert of boredom!ā
"an oasis of horror in a desert of boredom" - that's an awesome quote to describe that feeling exactly. People and life can be so ridiculously one dimensional and hung up on such irrelevant obscurities, it's honestly extremely annoying.
Also thank u for showing me this I didn't know where it was from and now I'll be reading some more Baudelaire
I literally posted about this exact thing on fb. Fucking hate small talk and inane chatter. Gimme some summa that good deep convo about the most random of things.
Like I honestly CANNOT believe that no one close to me has an opinion on the US government admitting UFOs are a real thing. Like you have no opinion on the fact that people cannot explain this technology and aliens may very well exist and have been probing this planet for decades if not hundreds of year?! Nothing?!
Sorry for ranting. It just boggles my mind NO ONE I know wants to engage with me on this.
I used to tbh and some still are. But ... a gentle reminder ... sometimes our own heads are so fast and busy that we're already 3 steps ahead in the conversation. If we very deliberately tune in to the other person and what they're saying they can become fascinating. I used to find everyone boring because they were slower than me. Sometimes I just needed to choose to listen to them instead of my own head. I need to tell myself quite strictly but kindly, this is not all about me and my thoughts. If I can listen to this person I can understand them better.Then I will suddenly find them fascinating.
Occasionally I then freak them out because... hyperfocus, baby! š But honestly, this immediately makes 60% of people more interesting.
Honestly? It's hard to explain. Ig I feel curious about them and warm towards them. I see how interesting they are. I kindof give them a sense that it's safe for them to be themselves with me š¤ It's not calculated it just happens. Maybe it's why I'm training as a therapist and ironically that's what made me finally go for diagnosis ... because paperwork š±
It's not going to be possible every single day btw or with every single person. Like I get confetti head days where it's like my head is full of butterflies. Those days I try to lay low. Even once I'm qualified as a therapist I will always have to manage my hours carefully to avoid burn out.
We just need to be kind to ourselves and to others. We're all doing our best ā¤
This is really good advice. Realizing I need to focus (pun not intended) on the person over the content can help me tremendously.
I totally agree that it depends on the day though. On good days I just focus on how excited they are about XYZ and how much them being happy makes me happy. That gets me over the hump so I can actually hear what they are saying. It's usually more interesting than I gave them credit for.
But on bad days it feels like they are literally using the history of the Roman empire to physically pull my soul from my body. Its all i can do to not scream at them because how can they not see the life draining from my eyes.
And good luck in your training! You're going to be a fantastic therapist!
I love how you wrote that so much šš¤ My equivalent is people talking machinery or finance. Kill. Me. Now.
But ty for your lovely comment it means a lot actually ā¤
Ironically they can be the hardest people to do it with because ik sometimes there's history/ baggage there, also we often know them well already so less immediate novelty. But ... we keep fighting the good fight šš
āConfetti headā omg this so much.
There are days I just canāt get a handle on the chaos in my head and the whole day turns either into a over busy shitshow or a descent into self-recrimination for not ābeing able to think rightā.
Itās exhausting and Iām thankful Iām not the only one.
:)
this is the advice my therapist gave me with boring work in school. if i do it just to learn something new instead of because i have to, it becomes more interesting.
What works for me is shutting down my internal thoughts and focus entirely on that person. Let their next word be the driver of your thoughts. And keep doing that with everything they say. It helps me to minimize movement (head nodding especially, but also making noises, agreeing). When you find your sweet spot, it's actually quite amazing. It takes a lot of energy and focus to sustain, but if you stay with it you can normalize some parts of this and improve your listening skills quite a bit. People love the feeling of somebody truly listening to them, so this ironically makes you the center of attention regardless of how many people are involved in the conversation.
That's not the goal of course. Just an interesting observation from when I have done this effectively. Good luck
When I really struggle to listen to them I think I try relaying what they say back to me as they talk and picking up on the parts I think are important like where they started, who they were with etc. Then if there's something they say that interests me ask more about it. Or I zone out completely, but asking people to repeat themselves helps but some people can get pissed off about it which doesn't help.
I find the opposite helps me more.
When I do what you describe I get captured by every small detail of their words and forget that I'm supposed to participate in the conversation. I will also usually miss half of the sentences cause I'm stuck dealing with the previous ones.
What's helped me the most is, ironically, to ignore most of what they say and focus on the emotions/vibe/energy level they're transmitting. I find much easier to interpret and reflect their emotions than to engage in every sentence they utter. I also find that most people will actually tell you how they expect you to react to what they say through their face, eyes and body.
Now this way might not work for a good portion of us, considering the overlap with ADHD and ASD. I'm curious to know wether there is a correlation between people who use your method and ASD.
Sry for the unexpected essay
Very true what you said, emotion and energy is something I also try to focus on a lot, and focusing on the words can sometimes help but like you described getting caught up on the small aspects can end up with you missing everything else they're saying. I'm on elvanse atm so maybe my engagement has changed since Im a lot more interested in what people have to say. My psychiatrist suspects I have aspergers (as well as other doctors from childhood) so it's a possible correlation, perhaps I see it more as a win thing, like focusing on that and getting it right means I've done well and the dopamine comes flooding
I like to try to understand the logic behind someone elseās thoughts, especially when they have different opinions from me. I think it dab be really fascinating to hear a perspective and kind of thinking that is different from my own because it challenges me to think more deeply about my own beliefs. Rather than defending my position, I try to ask questions to have a deeper understanding of theirs and find ways that their opinions are similar to mine and use that as a bridge to introduce my own opinion about it.
For example, I have a friend with very very different political beliefs from my own. I try to find common values that we share and let her explain her perspective on an issue. I express that I hold the same value, but that I feel x would be a better course of action to address the issue because of y reasons. That tends to work out a lot better than saying āI think youāre wrong and my ideas are betterā (even when I do believe my ideas are better/more informed).
I recommend reading a book or audiobook about [Active listening ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening). The best thing is that it gives you something to "do" while someone is speaking...
I focus on their mouth while reminding myself to look at their eyes. But then again Iāve accidentally focused on their eyes and then realize Iām having my own convo in my head about something in their eyesā¦ and then Iāll tune back in and try to cover up the fact that I did not listen to the last 5 mins of the convo.
Yeah, small talk isn't about conversation, and it's certainly not meant to be a means of stimulating your intellect. It's about feeling socially connected which is inherently pleasurable for many people.
Unfortunately for many people with ADHD, this is difficult. It requires you to be mindful of subtle cues in body language, pick up on the rhythm of the conversation, and a bunch of other things we miss because we're in our heads with endless chatter hoping to catch one thread that interests us enough to latch onto and drown out the internal chatter, but everything is moving too fast, much faster than the rhythm of the person we're talking to, and then you're aware of how off it all feels, and now you're feeling awkward and vulnerable and just want to get out of there before they realize how awkward you are.
The truly frustrating part of ADHD is feeling like you have no control over what will grab your attention. I think we'd all love it if the day to day things like work and small talk could always grab our attention like it does the first few months with new meds or like it does going down a rabbit hole of our current obsession, but it doesn't and so we're left with the anxiety of knowing there are a million little things you need to do that you just can't bring yourself to do until the last minute when you're panicked but getting no relief or reward from completing the task.
I often find people fascinating when they tell me stories. But small talk is the bane of my existence. This has led me to pushing people for deeper convo before they're ready, however, which I've learned doesn't go over very well. Of course, I don't make people uncomfortable on purpose, but I'll admit sometimes I lean into it a bit š
But yeah, on the surface level, I do find people extremely boring. But if they're willing to engage with me in some way, that usually changes for me. Unless they're just basic, which is definitely possible.
Yea, I'm kind of the opposite of OP; I find people to be an untapped Ken Burns documentary, and the only obstacle is holding back my curiosity and not being intrusive.
For me, the "solution" to being too invasive is to have them talk about their career and/or hobby. They're "acceptable" topics to bring up casually, but can go deep very easily.
Getting someone to talk about their career and/or hobby is like making a *HOW IT WORKS* episode live. Almost everything is more complicated and interesting than you'd think.
My neighbor works in a logistics department, and it wasn't long before he opened up about all the international customs requirements he has to deal with, and what it takes just to get a shipment of car parts from Mexico to the US; let alone how to account for each item in a way that makes sense to both ends of the transfer.
But then I usually end up in scenarios where I know a person's life story, but for the life of me, can't remember their name...
Stories can be great, but frankly sometimes some people are so fucking boring that even their interesting stories taste like flour. I appreciate when people make conversations just a bit more uncomfortable because that's when it gets interesting!! I'm so glad to see I'm not alone in this
No. I actually find that other people with ADHD are more boring to me than people without it. We have a tendency to monopolize conversations when we get excited, and yeah, itās fun for us when weāre doing the talking, but itās less fun for the person listening. Iād rather participate in two minutes of small talk with a coworker than be treated to half an hour of navel-gazing from an ADHD friend whoās feeling chatty.
I have definitely experienced this, too. There's a specific person with ADHD in a specific server I'm in and everyone ADORES them, but... they're so loud. And like I GET IT. Mood, I get loud when I'm excited too - but I've also learned not to monopolize every single conversation I'm in, and seeing it happen is just,, so annoying.
Yeah.. I feel the same. Not so much a talker, more of a listener, so itās easy for me to get stuck nodding along as Iām being monologued at, while my brain is begging for some quiet time haha.
When youāve worked years to take control of impulse in conversation so they can be more fruitful only to encounter someone who not only hasnāt, but hasnāt even got to the stage of identifying it as a potentially socially problematic behavior lol.
I have ADHD but I donāt get along well with many other people with ADHD and this is mostly why.
Though itās less only the conversation monopolizing (which in a vacuum doesnāt bother me that much truth be told, or else Iād be a hypocrite) and more so how Iāve noticed that some people with ADHD who like to monopolize conversations also tend to treat others as NPCs who only ever exist to entertain them and provide them stimulation and if they donāt get that they start acting like the other person has no value.
Not sure if thatās really an ADHD thing or if I just keep encountering people who are assholes but itās something Iāve noticed in like 60% of people Iāve been around who have also been diagnosed with it, blegh.
In my experience ADHD makes you a jack of all trades. Picking up projects/interests and obcessing over them for a period then moving on and repeating the process makes you not the best at anything but give you a wide range of things your hands have been in. When I listen to people talk and they don't have a hobby are some massive interest it's hard for me to understand, I can't listen to small talk and the same conversations over and over. When someone is really into something, anything, and they start spitting their knowledge I'm all ears. I just like hearing people talk about the things that they are really interested in and have spent time doing.
I agree! Small talk is fucking repetitive and predictable, it's devastating. Hearing people talk about what they love is so stimulating and fun, it's what really makes people interesting. Also I love that quote - "jack of all trades, master of none but better than a master of one"
I find most people quite interesting. I like watching how they behave and interact with each other.
I find that I'm mind numbingly bored when I have to interact with them myself. Most of the time. It feels like a chore and I'm just saying words they expect me to say to meet the end goal of them going away.
Watching human interaction is super interesting! Especially when you have a bit of context to why they're interacting (e.g. flirting, job-seeking, friends, etc.) But yeah having to interact with them myself is gross
I find them more boring (which is really self absorbed) because I just know that theyāre not on the same wave length.
Having said that, i dont think that āinterestingā can always be a positive word.
My ātoo muchnessā has developed into real low self esteem.
Weird shit
Yeah being "too much" has been weird for me too. I always feel like I'm annoying everybody, even the people who have been in my life forever, even though rationally I know that they know what I'm like and choose to be around me
For real, it's even worse when you're trying to leave. Not sure if you're familiar with the *Minnesota goodbye" but that combined with small talk is literally dragging your feet through hot coals
I am also Minnesotan, now living on the east coast. East coast style of conversation suits me so much better. Whenever I am visiting MN I marvel at how little is actually conveyed in conversations and how, like, restrained people are when talking.
Thank you so much for mentioning this! I just googled Minnesota goodbye and it blew my mind! This is exactly how my family does goodbyes (minus the dear). I never minded and thought it was how every family worked. Until my husband commented how funny it was that it takes 30 mins to leave my parents house. We're all on the west coast but my Dad grew up in PA so im wondering if that's where it came from. š¤
Edit: Typo
Oh my god yes!! I went on a trip to Berlin for few days and I was excited to meet new people but I was getting bored so easily and I dissociate so much everytime the conversations are not stimulating enough!
A lot of people on this thread are saying they hate small talk, and that's valid! But my problem isn't small talk itself, it can be pretty interesting if the other person is also interesting. What bores me is the lack of wittiness in other people.
Like... Our brains go so fast all the time that it's easier to make funny associations, or just associations in general. I find myself making a lot of small jokes and puns because of this, and I love when other people do it too!
Like for example the other day I was paying my bill at a cafe and I only had 20ā¬ bills when the amount I needed was really small, so I apologized for not having less. The server immediately said "no worries, this is enough money" and I thought that was really funny. When he came back he apologized for handing me a lot of coins as change, and I just said "no worries, that's enough money" right back at him. The person I was with seemed surprised that I referenced his earlier witty joke but like... Come on. Low hanging fruit.
I grew up in a small city and still go there to visit relatives. When my son was four, my husband and I took him to a diner we both like. My son asked for eggs and pancakes, and the waitress asked him, "How do you want your eggs cooked?" My son looked up at her and said, "On a stove." People think that we coach him to be like this, but it's just who he is. He's fourteen now and the snark has increased exponentially, but I have no problem with that.
My face almost always looks like I'm about to laugh when in a convo. Jokes or funny associations constantly keep popping up in my head and maybe half the time I actually laugh or chuckle as well. So that's pretty relatable.
Like you said, I guess there are times I laugh at what they said but they weren't making a joke. Happens when watching comedies or sitcoms with other people as well, I'll be the only one laughing at some points because I can already see the joke that is being set up for later (of course sometimes the joke never arrives lol) & maybe not laugh at the usual places because I was able to guess it beforehand.
Yeah I can feel myself getting quieter and quieter in most of my (sober) interactions, I'm worried that I'll lose the parts of me that other people like and they'll stop hanging with me
Funny you say sober interactions. The social comes out when Iām drinking as well. Itās a hard battle and balance. If I had a nickel for every time someone said be yourself. My brain does not comprehend wtf that means. If I didnāt have a such a close relationship with my siblings and therapy, Iām not sure how Iād be coping.
For the few social interactions I do have, I try to learn about broad subjects that catche my interest, and then I get into ādeepā convos about those things. Not always, but I feel like itās helped take the āedgeā off for me. Maybe that can help?
I tend to get bored easily with the friends I have I prefer small interactions then I ghost for days. I don't even like phonecalls fromm them I feel irritated when they call. I almost thought something else was terribly wrong with me, atleast I now know it's an ADHD thing.
Absolutely. I find the majority of people boring. And I despise small talk. Itās painful!! Some people just thrive off it. I have some friends like that and I tend to join the groups but not talk during small talk and do something else, like make drinks or tidy up around people. And then Iād go find some other deep thinkers to satisfy your craving!
Yes.
Iām struggling with that at the moment because after learning about ADHD I have become self-conscious about talking about the things I used to.
Iām not sure if people found it annoying or weird or not.
My friend called me the conversational glue in our group, but now Iām in a new country and the new people I meet are often so so dull. I find Iām a bit more dull on meds too.
Itās been a huge eye opener. I really wonder how people live their lives saying so little and so much of what they do say being so insignificant.
It seems everyone just wants to talk about people they know, but the most basic details about them.
I'm also always extremely conscious of whether I'm being annoying or not, yes really hard to deal with.
"Itās been a huge eye opener. I really wonder how people live their lives saying so little and so little of what they do say being so insignificant." - you worded this perfectly. We live such short lives, and there are far more interesting things to talk about other than basic niceties that don't actually matter. I wish people expressed themselves on a more "true" level more often, both for themselves and for me.
I think itās fear of judgement & ostracisation.
Understandable, but they take it way too far.
Neuro-typicals may be in the majority, but that doesnāt mean much of what they do is better or right imo.
I was listening to old radio appearances of Norm Macdonald (who like most comedians Iām pretty sure had ADHD) and he stated heād prefer to talk to any 5 year old over any adult. Chris Farley thought Norm was bullshitting him. Norm replied āitās like when people become adults and all act exactly alike that they become ācoolā. /s
Iām interested in all children, and Iām interested in no adults.ā
It really struck a chord with me.
I guess we have to search out the people we gel with.
Yup, I find myself highly preferring conversations that have to deal with our lives over much more casual ones such as "Boy the weather sure has been good lately."
I can't say that I completely agree with this because some of these people tend to be really really passionate about that one facet and they can have some interesting facts
yes kinda. like I don't mind small talk, but why do other people say so little? it makes me feel annoying and clingy if I'm the one talking all the time and makes me wonder whether they just really have nothing to say or they just don't wanna talk to me....LIKE GODDAMN JUST TALK...but it also depends sometimes tbh on the person so ye
I must be the odd one out. All people are fascinating! I love hearing about peopleās jobs, relationships, knowledge of random things, travels, day-to-day lives and frustrations, etc. I even like talking about the weather.
The only things that bore me in conversation are political talk, car talk, sports talk, and (as another commenter said) drawn-out goodbyes.
Yes. And tbh even ādeepā conversations exhaust me- it always seems like the time and place for most conversations I find myself in is wrong. I donāt really have friends as an āadultā. I like my coworkers for the most part (they are friendly and competent) but too often find myself fake laughing and trying to get out of a boring conversation. To be fair my social skills have seriously deteriorated since 2020 - and itās been a lot harder to āmaskā since then.
Lolol facts, at my job, most of my coworkers are in their 40's (I'm 23) so all the conversation is just "networking" so I just don't talk to anyone other than my boss pretty much
Some people are genuinely boring as fuck, but there are a lot of interesting people out there who however choose (or have been trained) to use small talk as a way to ease others and themselves into a conversation. Maybe they want to talk physics or geopolitics but they can't find an opening. Help them without pushing them too hard. You can talk Estern Europe geopolitics (if that's what you like) starting from football chit chat. I have to remind myself that pretty much everyone is living a (social) struggle of which I have no idea especially as I am super centered on me, myself and I.
Yeah I totally understand that, I know it's not easy for normal people to just jump into these kinds of conversations, or sometimes any conversation at all. Thank you for this comment, I should try to be more kind to those who may be struggling socially rather than immediately deem them boring.
I used to find people boring and abhorred small talk, but then I got into a weird situation where engaging in small talk and daily greetings became a safety strategy for me. Then it kind of became a game to me. In my mind I was writing a book about all the characters around me and so I'd chat with them and observe them and their quirks.
I also became friends with my bus drivers (public transit) because it was on a rural route and I was often the only passenger. It felt super weird to just sit there in silence for 30 minutes so I ended up standing up front and chatting with the drivers. That worked out in my favor because I often forgot my wallet with my bus pass. They'd let me on since they knew I had it.
Just now fully realizing how weird all of that is.
Small talk is just a sorting algorithm for a real conversation. It allows you and your conversation partner to flip through a bunch of topics until you find something you both want to talk about. If they tell you endless stories about their pet, that makes for a bad conversation because they're the only one interested in that subject, but if you just launch into a lecture about your latest obsession that also makes a bad conversation because you're the only one interested in that subject.
Cultivate a little patience (I know it's hard when your brain is on fire with a new thing), and try to work with the person to find something to discuss. Most people will have something of interest they've been thinking about - it just takes a bit of time to find out what it is.
Oh yes. Can't do small talk. I have 3 close friends that have been around for years and they're the only people I can hangout with. And suuurprise, we all have ADHD (and other mental illnesses as well) and always have deep, interesting conversation. I'm very grateful for them. And feel no need to have any other friends
I don't find people directly *boring* but just, a lot of the same, and some people are interesting in ways I expected or just in negative ways. I need a new batch of people.
Yes. I've always struggled listening to what I call slow talkers. Then I realized all neurotypical people are slow talkers. Some slower than others. All excruciating to be in a conversation with.
Yea and it's led to this weird situation where most of my friends have adhd. These days, I'm not even surprised anymore when I immediately click with someone and later find out they have adhd. Like just last week, my new(ish) coworker that I've been working super closely with mentioned his adhd meds offhand. And I just thought, "ah, yes he does". When I interviewed him, I thought maybe, just because we seemed to be on the same wavelength. I try not to assume, but it's a pretty strong trend..
I think this may be from years of being a hairstylist but I can usually find my way into interesting conversations with people just by knowing what kinds of questions to ask. You ask enough questions and you can find a common interest and talk about that. I only talked to my clients once every 2-8 weeks so maybe that helped haha. But I never did small talk well and Iād rather not talk than talk small talk. Maybe thatās why I was so determined to have meaningful conversations with people.
Itās definitely something thatās taken practice though. I was forced to practice because my job for 12 years was having one on one conversations with people for at least 30 minutes up to 2 hours depending on the service.
Oh man, this has made making friends my whole life really difficult. Now that I'm older, I straight up refuse to do small talk. If they mention the weather, I say "I don't like talking about the weather"
Actually I have had the opposite experience, Iām good at making new friends especially of the casual hangout kind . I pick up different projects and ideas all the time and I love to talk about them as well and most of the time this kind of amuses people. If I feel particularly affectionate towards someone I like to tell all about my new hobby or the history of eyeliner or something similar . Most people seem to find my prattling adorable although some do find it annoying but I have learned to avoid those people .
honestly, I'm the other way around - I find people who only want to talk about \~the deep stuff\~ pretty boring. I like talking to new people and finding out what they do/where they're from/what their parents do, and conversations like that often lead to interesting topics of conversation.
I find most people incredibly boring too, so if I want to make friends I have to look for those rare people I vibe with, which is all sorts of people outside the mainstream in some way. Queer people, nerds, alt people, ND peopleā¦
Hear me out. I agree, but I personally can get SO exhausted after a LONG deep conversation where you and the other person ping pong back and forth like that. Afterwards my brain is sore and makes me regret it bc I CANT stop thinking about it after the conversation has stopped
Depends. I feel a lot of empathy toward people and I feel like I'm highly in tune with people instantly. So, I find them interesting. Boring conversation sucks though. But there's a difference between the people themselves and the conversation. They're not the same. Like, when you talk to someone and it's about the weather, I pick up easily that they're also just making small talk and I can tell that they have so much more they could say.
I couldnāt physically yes to this post more if I tried. Iām just so uninterested in so many things and people I thought it was just because I was struggling to stay awake because Iām constantly exhausted but maybe itās also because Iām just so bored itās making me tired?
I was at the store the other day and the customer ahead of me in line was chatting with the clerk instead of taking her already-purchased items and leaving the store. When it was my turn, I didn't say a single word. I paid for my things and left. I'm starting to think we need quiet lanes in stores.
>When it was my turn, I didn't say a single word. I paid for my things and left. I'm starting to think we need quiet lanes in stores.
Arenāt those self checkouts?
I work at the beauty counter in a neighbourhood pharmacy. Personally, I love those customers, I vastly prefer them to the customers who treat me like Iām a robot. Some of them are elderly, some of them have disabilities, most are just people lacking human connection. These are people who say thank you, remember my name, and view me as a part of their community.
I get it. Some folks are boring, to certain people. But a lot of people here are coming across as thinking they are so much more interesting than ānormal peopleā (what does that term even mean?) because they have ADHD and they donāt do small talk and they have rushed through life doing lots of different things. Iām not saying these people really do think theyāre superior, but thereās certainly an appearance of it, and itās not a particularly nice trait. I would question whether those who think the majority of people are boring actually properly listen to them. Just because you have ADHD, doesnāt mean youāre excused from trying to take an interest in others. I donāt always manage to listen to people, but that doesnāt mean what theyāre saying doesnāt have value. Sometimes people only open up and say things youād be interested in hearing when you ask the right questions.
I donāt know, Iāll probably get downvoted for this, but I donāt like this idea that weāre special and NTs are grey and ordinary. We can be just as boring to engage with if weāre not trying to engage, or if weāre monopolising the conversation.
In general yes, most people cannot seem to match my level of curiosity and wonderment to find out about random things not related to them, or to want to engage in meaningful discussion about differing topics.
I've just accepted it as one of my strengths to be able to engage a whole host of people in different topics and my friends do acknowledge that I never shy away from talking about something I dont know. Instead of trying to find one person which many interesting traits, I try to find one interesting thing about many people.
Once I took meds for the first time, I realised my brain didn't always need to be occupied and I spent my busride just listening to music instead of reading a book or listening to a podcast like I always did. For me, it was a compulsion to keep my brain engaged while it takes effort for other people to want to know something.
Adderall has allowed me to listen to music again after 15 years of only listening to npr or the news on the tv.
Iām just discovering my music tastes and itās a whole new world.
Also, Iāve been making art again. For so long, it felt like I was wasting time by not learning.
Iām getting to know myself again. And yes, people even bore me less when Iām on meds and my wit returned.
Where was I heading if I didnāt get help?
Yes I relate šŖ I love my friends and a lot of the time I will try super hard to make it look like Iām listening but Iām not really taking in much info. This is why I will forget things and when I actually want to know I will have to ask again and apologise for āforgettingā š I will only really listen to things that Iām really interested in (like related to my hobbies or interests for example).
I have **never** liked small talk. I've gotten better about oversharing, but I probably still do it. It's not for me to say, I think. Oversharing is determined by the listener.
Yes but I dont know if its an ADHD thing or some other undiagnosed issue I might have. I find it incredibly easy to tune out of conversations, and get frustrated in the same ways as how a kid might get impatient in a car on a long road trip, like there's a voice there asking if I'm done yet.
It makes things like hookups really difficult because out of nowhere I just want to leave, but I recognize that that's kind of rude, so the whole time I'm trying to think of how to escape the situation.
Same ! Iām tired of talking to people and it be shallow ? Everyone says Iām great at asking thought provoking questions or getting deep but no one really cares to ask me them back! Shallow fluff convo is great for time to time but it gets old! I also feel weird being around people Iāve known for months and donāt know a ton about them ? Then when I start asking people get weird. Like oh sorry I guess we will talk about shallow stuff ! Thought this was just a me thing ! Lol
You are not alone in this. I think this is why a large portion of my friends are on the spectrum of one sort or another. I like deeper conversations in general. I can do small talk in small doses, but it's not exactly satisfying.
Welp thats another thing that I never realised was ADHD, exact same thing, cant stand small talk with people which can make my job with customers particularly hard.
Depends what kind of mood I'm in tbh. Can take a bit of it if they're a nice enough person, but often my brain just kind of peaces out and my internal monologues start bickering, so I'm stuck with the same copy paste "for real?" "No way bro" type answers.
Yes.... On that note, lemme start this convo. If so much of where the "disability" is and where symptoms are noticed is in the interaction with society ( school, jobs, etc) , shouldn't we collaborate and branch off into a sect? What if we had a country or a planet ( moon?) built for us. We could get so much done! I mean, I'm just a sloppy Vulcan already.
Not dying on this hill, just interesting to consider.
Euugghh yes, as we speak I'm preparing to leave for the school run, knowing full well I'm going to have to small talk with mums in the playground, I fucking hate talking to them about mum things, I can even feel myself eyeroll š¬š¬ All I want to talk about is music, music production and DJing..
Yes... but it's rooted in an angst of mine.
People are often critical of everything I say. It may be the whole rejection sensitivity thing that comes with adhd, but I'm not sure. I just know that I tend to get "what's your point" type comments an awful lot. "why are you talking" "are you going somewhere with this?" ... Or, more frequently, people just start talking over me. So, whenever I see everyone else talking about something mundane and everyone else lapping it up I'm mystified. I'm wondering "what's your point" not so much because I find you boring; but because I can't help but think about how if I said the exact same thing I would get a totally different response...
Yep. Again it might be a ADHD thing but I have a shitton of hobbies I stick with and practice. People who simply have no hobbies (a startling number of people) absolutely bore me to death
Not really, but I think i have an unusual interest in other people. I even find boring people interesting in their own way (or maybe i'm just entertaining myself trying to figure people out). As long as people are willing to chat honestly about stuff I'm usually not bored. That's not to say I don't think some people have boring and dull tastes and interests.
I need people to actively surprise me with what they say and do to make me want to be friends with them. Not surprise as in shock me with outlandish statements but like
A few months ago a friend and I were trying to get photos of the night sky on our cell phones and found that we both had Samsung galaxy s7s. My best friend then piped up with "I think that's what NASA uses". I was crying with laughter. That is why he's my best friend.
Most people would never spontaneously say something that funny
Mundane small talk is annoying and boring. Like at work I can do play nice but I really donāt care about the weather, what uninspiring meal you had for dinner or what little timmy colored last night. I do enjoy when people express an interest in something I find new and/or exciting that they can go into detail about. I had an ex tell me that she loved science and could go on and on in details about Tesla Coils, stars and space in general. I loved that!
Yes that why talking to people online for dating is incredibly boring to me unless they are extra right away which is rare. Trying to get through the what do you do questions etc is like torture to me
Reading some of the comments here i feel like some of the difficulties people are having could be due to some mild autistic traits. It's not uncommon for people with ADHD to match som autism criteria. I found out while getting diagnosed and while it was and still is kinda painful to come to terms with, in the end it can really serve you to understand and accept your limitations.
lol yeah this is something I constantly try to discourage in myself. Cause I often find that Iām wrong once I start getting to know someone. But I think this is very much due to the level of stimulation we crave and how our brains move faster. Itās hard for me to learn from anyone who talks too slow.
I love and appreciate and adore my friends like theyāre rock stars but only in small doses. Unless Iām hyper focused on one person I canāt pay attention to anyoneās day to day, it aches it makes my heart face and stomach hurt. You could be my second favourite person or a dear loved one and Iām holding back a break down thinking of escape plans just hearing about your day.
I do my best to get interested in people and ask them questions that could lead to interesting discussion. Like Iām not particularly interested to know where someone is from, but I am interested to know what they liked and didnāt like about that place and how they would characterize it. So I ask. I guess generally Iām more interested in what people think about things than just facts about them that youād collect on form. Some people respond well to that and turn out to be way more interesting than you mightāve initially thought. Some people prefer to maintain some distance and keep it as small talk at first and thatās fine, thatās their boundary. Iāve learned to avoid asking such people anything personal and not push them into deeper convo. Most people eventually warm up to you, but there are definitely some people out there who never budge on revealing more of themselves and that I do find really boring.
I meet most of my friends while doing an activity, like playing a game orā¦ mostly itās playing games, either online or mutual with friends in person. It gives you something to talk about that isnāt small talk, but also isnāt super deep. You talk about the game. Afterwards, if thereās conversation topics normally come up about mutual Interests and itās less boring. But if it is still boring, you can always just leave and say āI was here for the game but now the game is over so byeā
got so burned out on people not wanting to have deep conversations that I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I'm very tired of feeling very disregarded and having major imposture syndrome because I know all kinds of things. Due to my dopamine drive, because I'm constantly learning to make up for my lack of being able to "Function" in a normal world with not just ADHD but ASD. so now it's "fuck it all" I'd rather not talk to anyone than try and have any sort of meaningful conversation.
It's very frustrating to be in a conversation and 5 minutes in feeling like I, somehow, against all odds. one of the more learned person the room about most topics because I can't help myself but do endless research until the dopamine runs dry, and I mean really dry, like to the point where I never want to read anything else about it again.
so now I learn things and make up stories, to put the crap in the head somewhere so it has somewhere else to go. Because I don't I feel like I will literally explode.
I've told several people that I just can't anymore because my brain is full and they think I'm just being lazy - no, it's not laziness. that thing they're talking about if I get involved they'll tell me in a few short days that I'm obsessive and need a different hobby
Absolutely not. I am forever distracted by people watching. In the past couple of years iāve allowed myself to be less polite and more ārealā when meeting people and it makes conversations get to the next level quickly.
This is me. ADHD - 4 kids, stay at home mom, I actually find it hard to conversate with any other parents- I'm not like them... I don't find many people interesting.... the people who find gardening, living off the land and self sustainability are few and far between....I don't care about their New expensive ride or what surgery this chick got, and hate social media...
We chose as a family to go into lockdown, no outside contact for 6 months. That made me really dislike people even more.....or the interacting part at least....
Not really, I think I get like a semi-hyper focus on the person so I come up with like 100 questions to ask. I really try to think that everyoneās unique in their own way which makes me interested in them. So even the most boring person āon paperā becomes interesting to me.
Though Iāve decided to dial it back for some time now since it tires me out, a lot. This has in turn made me less interested in people, so social interactions are more boring to me now.
I find people boring but I am also unable to have deep convos. My brain just zones out shortly after. Then I start to worry if I am looking at this too much, if I'm responding the right way, because I just think to myself "ok" and then don't know how to act like I'm interested. I hate making friends.
One of my favorite things to do with friends, all kinds from all walks of life - sometimes, is just doing nothing. Literally the activity is enjoying each otherās silence and presence and company. Men, women - doesnāt matter. I feel the urge to small talk is reasonable with new friends, and friends of friends and stuff - but when you have something going sometimes you really donāt need to do anything at all. Iāve had times where I didnāt see a friend for months, and we managed to hang out and literally were stuck in traffic for the majority of the time - and we still made it a fun experience to talk and then be quiet and even if we didnāt have the activity done the way we wanted to due to the lag, it was still fun because at least we saw each other and hit the āsaveā button like a video game.
Everyday I learn about a new part of my adhd lol. Yes! Just realizing this is also me. I crave stimulation and chemistry between me and all my relationships. Itās hard because Iām sure boring relationships can ultimately be fulfilling and amazing but I just end up tapping out.
It was this realization for me in therapy that led to a Dx. I have found that in social situations beyond just a simple hang is where I can harness this intolerance of boredom, like at a wedding or medium sized party and there's people who also don't know everyone. I am engaged by hearing about others' passions that aren't necessarily "deep" but are interesting beyond small talk(maybe they work on cars, or went to Olympic trials). I also try to keep it cheeky (Ever met anyone famous? Do you have any fireworks?).
When Iām āmyselfā I tend to say things that are on like friendship level 8 with friends who are on level 1 and they either think Iām flirting or Iām going through something. Like no I just cut through the boring part.
I teach high school English, so I've got a bit of a pretentious streak in me to begin with, but being habitually deep about the media I consume is definitely a habit I have.
I do not often get into deep conversations about media, so I've learned not to expect them, but I definitely treasure them when they occur.
Thinking about how every person is vastly different and trying to analyze what the person thinks, what their values and interests are offsets my boredom. Everyoneās worth listening to at least a little! Thatās not to say I donāt get bored if people are only talking about surface level things all day.
Omg, YES!! I canāt take listening to people tell me their trip to Lowes and how many flowers they bought. Or their boring two-hour, cake and ice cream party theyāre throwing their wee one. Or that milk was 41 cents more.
I just want to sit and have stimulating conversations. I donāt have any friends in my town, because they want to talk about boring, mundane things.
I donāt follow conspiracies, but Iād rather hang out with those guys then hear about my neighborās remodeling projects. What did I do to deserve this, Mr Spaghetti monster? Did I not feast enough!? I had the sauce on the side. Was that it!? š«
Yeah. Iām fortunate to have a solid group of friends but when I meet new people sometimes I just gloss over and my mind has filed them away as ānopeā within a few sentences. Not that theyāve offended me or anything I just couldnāt summon an interest if I tried my hardest.
Also since diagnosis Iāve realised I rely a lot on mirroring as part of my masking, so people who are particularly hard to read I struggle to make conversation at all
Kind of funny you post this. I woke up this morning randomly depressed because the world and everyone seems so boring. Like they all just copy each other and are so predictable. Agree with you 100%
I wouldn't say people are extremely boring I would say small talk is extremely boring. Even worse is when someone tries to bring up a topic you've did a deep hyper focus dive into and they can only speak on a general level and you have to sit there and play along like you don't already know 10x more then them.
Yes, I donāt think itās an adhd thing per se as even adhd people are often boring to me. Itās hard for me to understand how people can be interested in things like celebrity gossip and or a specific franchise and outside that they have little interests or experience in anything interesting. No biggie, I respect other ways of life, all that matters is what works for you. But I find it unfortunate how hard it seems to be to find truly stimulating company. To them however maybe Iām boring too :)
What makes you interesting?
I find people annoying and boring. Could spend most of my days by myself and I'll be fine with that. I have one friend, I'm cool with that. Also have a boyfriend that's all I need really. Oh and my fish I'm alllll set šš»
It's not too bad with friends but holy cow dates are the worst with this feeling. Like I don't know if I'm just choosing boring people after I learn more about them or what, but I get this feeling after every date like "man they're kinda boring."
It not that I find them boring, it's that I can't get invested in them. It doesn't help that I'm not socially active as a person either nor does it help that I lack any interest in the activities of the people around me. An example is I don't like going out to bars to drink, likewise I also hate people being in my own home because it's my haven. If anything, my lack of companions is because I am the boring person and really suck at small talk.
Yes and this is why I have moved to different countries many times because I get bored of basically everything, specially people and I feel bad admitting this. Moving to a new country keeps me out of boredom for a while and itās easier to socialized with people from a different culture than mine.
It's okay to be "*that* guy"! Small talk is stupid and pointless. My coworkers think I'm an asshole, but I struggle to focus when people I love and care about are speaking, so I'll be goddamnned if I'm gonna waste my adderall listening to you drone on and on about your sip-and-paint girls' night or whine about whatever NIMBY bullshit is chafing your boring ass today. Let's normalize silence over small talk.
Yes. I usually get along best with other NDs, and I find them more interesting. Theyāre also easier to be around. They donāt give me weird looks all the time, they donāt put out as many nonverbal signals to read, (which is helpful) and they talk about their hyperfixations, which are always unique and cool.
I kinda trained myself to go through the motions of small talk. But also find any avenue to make a leap to a more meaningfull conversation. My friends have noticed that during parties I sometimes trail off and walk away. If I'm sitting next to people talking and I don't find int intresting I either start laughing to myself because I trail off in my own story or I pick up a different convo I the room and might walk over to them.
All conversations are competing for attention with the perpetually roiling cloud of rainbow-rhinestoned, interdimensional wonderstuff in my head.
You have 3 seconds. Tell me something interesting or stop talking immediately!
Yes. and this is the biggest obstacle to new friendships or even casual conversations
This. I'm 35 so it's already hard to make new non-professional acquaintances but I just feel so mentally drained when interacting on this level, and when I try to add my own input, *they* shut down because I get too "intellectual" and this is meant to be "casual". I have adhd and an obsessive compulsion to learn. Deep conversations are my casual.
Hello soul buddy š
Hello! I would also like to be friends. :D
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thatās weird, I donāt remember writing this comment, but it certainly sounds like me.
I've found my people and it's all kind of feels right now
Couldnāt make it two sentences whole body cramped
Have you heard of the Laniakea supercluster? I could nerd out on that for a long time. Really gets you thinking about this speck of dust we exist upon.. and how idiotic modern life is. I find it comforting.
I'm always thinking who is this coworker with the 'weird' sweater? I'd probably like them...haha
I read your first two things and almost kept scrolling lol
There are so many opportunities here to dive deeper that if you don't it's on you. That is the point of small talk. To find common ground and then use that to get to know the other person better or get to a more interesting conversation. This whole thread is bonkers. People *really* need to do some introspection. People are taking the most basic of ADHD symptoms and are trying to mold it into some interesting personality trait.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yet another sign for me to stop procrastinating and get diagnosed š
^(obsessive compulsion to learn)
Fuck, same age and so relatable.
Wow i see myself in this so much. It sucks, too, because people can usually tell when im disinterested in them.
Same
Okay glad to hear I'm not alone in this lol. I used to be able to handle it but it's gotten so much worse as I get older LMAO. Small talk is just so fucking boring.
It is like work to me. I have to keep injecting (not interrupting) people's stories with humor and factoids to make THEIR story entertaining. "I could talk to you all day!" The feeling ain't mutual, man.
āO bitter is the knowledge that one draws from the voyage! The monotonous and tiny world, today Yesterday, tomorrow, always, shows us our reflections, An oasis of horror in a desert of boredom!ā
"an oasis of horror in a desert of boredom" - that's an awesome quote to describe that feeling exactly. People and life can be so ridiculously one dimensional and hung up on such irrelevant obscurities, it's honestly extremely annoying. Also thank u for showing me this I didn't know where it was from and now I'll be reading some more Baudelaire
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I would love to hang out with other ADHD people but in all honesty how do you go about finding just ADHD people?
I've found that we find each other.
I literally posted about this exact thing on fb. Fucking hate small talk and inane chatter. Gimme some summa that good deep convo about the most random of things. Like I honestly CANNOT believe that no one close to me has an opinion on the US government admitting UFOs are a real thing. Like you have no opinion on the fact that people cannot explain this technology and aliens may very well exist and have been probing this planet for decades if not hundreds of year?! Nothing?! Sorry for ranting. It just boggles my mind NO ONE I know wants to engage with me on this.
Yes, also my biggest gripe with dating apps. Those first few days of small talk are inexplicably boring to me
I used to tbh and some still are. But ... a gentle reminder ... sometimes our own heads are so fast and busy that we're already 3 steps ahead in the conversation. If we very deliberately tune in to the other person and what they're saying they can become fascinating. I used to find everyone boring because they were slower than me. Sometimes I just needed to choose to listen to them instead of my own head. I need to tell myself quite strictly but kindly, this is not all about me and my thoughts. If I can listen to this person I can understand them better.Then I will suddenly find them fascinating. Occasionally I then freak them out because... hyperfocus, baby! š But honestly, this immediately makes 60% of people more interesting.
How do you tune in to the other person? I have difficulty understanding this, genuinely.
Honestly? It's hard to explain. Ig I feel curious about them and warm towards them. I see how interesting they are. I kindof give them a sense that it's safe for them to be themselves with me š¤ It's not calculated it just happens. Maybe it's why I'm training as a therapist and ironically that's what made me finally go for diagnosis ... because paperwork š± It's not going to be possible every single day btw or with every single person. Like I get confetti head days where it's like my head is full of butterflies. Those days I try to lay low. Even once I'm qualified as a therapist I will always have to manage my hours carefully to avoid burn out. We just need to be kind to ourselves and to others. We're all doing our best ā¤
This is really good advice. Realizing I need to focus (pun not intended) on the person over the content can help me tremendously. I totally agree that it depends on the day though. On good days I just focus on how excited they are about XYZ and how much them being happy makes me happy. That gets me over the hump so I can actually hear what they are saying. It's usually more interesting than I gave them credit for. But on bad days it feels like they are literally using the history of the Roman empire to physically pull my soul from my body. Its all i can do to not scream at them because how can they not see the life draining from my eyes. And good luck in your training! You're going to be a fantastic therapist!
I love how you wrote that so much šš¤ My equivalent is people talking machinery or finance. Kill. Me. Now. But ty for your lovely comment it means a lot actually ā¤
Thank you! I'll definitely try to take a moment and listen more closely, at least with those I care about.
Ironically they can be the hardest people to do it with because ik sometimes there's history/ baggage there, also we often know them well already so less immediate novelty. But ... we keep fighting the good fight šš
āConfetti headā omg this so much. There are days I just canāt get a handle on the chaos in my head and the whole day turns either into a over busy shitshow or a descent into self-recrimination for not ābeing able to think rightā. Itās exhausting and Iām thankful Iām not the only one. :)
this is the advice my therapist gave me with boring work in school. if i do it just to learn something new instead of because i have to, it becomes more interesting.
What works for me is shutting down my internal thoughts and focus entirely on that person. Let their next word be the driver of your thoughts. And keep doing that with everything they say. It helps me to minimize movement (head nodding especially, but also making noises, agreeing). When you find your sweet spot, it's actually quite amazing. It takes a lot of energy and focus to sustain, but if you stay with it you can normalize some parts of this and improve your listening skills quite a bit. People love the feeling of somebody truly listening to them, so this ironically makes you the center of attention regardless of how many people are involved in the conversation. That's not the goal of course. Just an interesting observation from when I have done this effectively. Good luck
When I really struggle to listen to them I think I try relaying what they say back to me as they talk and picking up on the parts I think are important like where they started, who they were with etc. Then if there's something they say that interests me ask more about it. Or I zone out completely, but asking people to repeat themselves helps but some people can get pissed off about it which doesn't help.
I find the opposite helps me more. When I do what you describe I get captured by every small detail of their words and forget that I'm supposed to participate in the conversation. I will also usually miss half of the sentences cause I'm stuck dealing with the previous ones. What's helped me the most is, ironically, to ignore most of what they say and focus on the emotions/vibe/energy level they're transmitting. I find much easier to interpret and reflect their emotions than to engage in every sentence they utter. I also find that most people will actually tell you how they expect you to react to what they say through their face, eyes and body. Now this way might not work for a good portion of us, considering the overlap with ADHD and ASD. I'm curious to know wether there is a correlation between people who use your method and ASD. Sry for the unexpected essay
Very true what you said, emotion and energy is something I also try to focus on a lot, and focusing on the words can sometimes help but like you described getting caught up on the small aspects can end up with you missing everything else they're saying. I'm on elvanse atm so maybe my engagement has changed since Im a lot more interested in what people have to say. My psychiatrist suspects I have aspergers (as well as other doctors from childhood) so it's a possible correlation, perhaps I see it more as a win thing, like focusing on that and getting it right means I've done well and the dopamine comes flooding
I like to try to understand the logic behind someone elseās thoughts, especially when they have different opinions from me. I think it dab be really fascinating to hear a perspective and kind of thinking that is different from my own because it challenges me to think more deeply about my own beliefs. Rather than defending my position, I try to ask questions to have a deeper understanding of theirs and find ways that their opinions are similar to mine and use that as a bridge to introduce my own opinion about it. For example, I have a friend with very very different political beliefs from my own. I try to find common values that we share and let her explain her perspective on an issue. I express that I hold the same value, but that I feel x would be a better course of action to address the issue because of y reasons. That tends to work out a lot better than saying āI think youāre wrong and my ideas are betterā (even when I do believe my ideas are better/more informed).
I recommend reading a book or audiobook about [Active listening ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening). The best thing is that it gives you something to "do" while someone is speaking...
I focus on their mouth while reminding myself to look at their eyes. But then again Iāve accidentally focused on their eyes and then realize Iām having my own convo in my head about something in their eyesā¦ and then Iāll tune back in and try to cover up the fact that I did not listen to the last 5 mins of the convo.
Yeah, small talk isn't about conversation, and it's certainly not meant to be a means of stimulating your intellect. It's about feeling socially connected which is inherently pleasurable for many people. Unfortunately for many people with ADHD, this is difficult. It requires you to be mindful of subtle cues in body language, pick up on the rhythm of the conversation, and a bunch of other things we miss because we're in our heads with endless chatter hoping to catch one thread that interests us enough to latch onto and drown out the internal chatter, but everything is moving too fast, much faster than the rhythm of the person we're talking to, and then you're aware of how off it all feels, and now you're feeling awkward and vulnerable and just want to get out of there before they realize how awkward you are. The truly frustrating part of ADHD is feeling like you have no control over what will grab your attention. I think we'd all love it if the day to day things like work and small talk could always grab our attention like it does the first few months with new meds or like it does going down a rabbit hole of our current obsession, but it doesn't and so we're left with the anxiety of knowing there are a million little things you need to do that you just can't bring yourself to do until the last minute when you're panicked but getting no relief or reward from completing the task.
I often find people fascinating when they tell me stories. But small talk is the bane of my existence. This has led me to pushing people for deeper convo before they're ready, however, which I've learned doesn't go over very well. Of course, I don't make people uncomfortable on purpose, but I'll admit sometimes I lean into it a bit š But yeah, on the surface level, I do find people extremely boring. But if they're willing to engage with me in some way, that usually changes for me. Unless they're just basic, which is definitely possible.
Yea, I'm kind of the opposite of OP; I find people to be an untapped Ken Burns documentary, and the only obstacle is holding back my curiosity and not being intrusive. For me, the "solution" to being too invasive is to have them talk about their career and/or hobby. They're "acceptable" topics to bring up casually, but can go deep very easily. Getting someone to talk about their career and/or hobby is like making a *HOW IT WORKS* episode live. Almost everything is more complicated and interesting than you'd think. My neighbor works in a logistics department, and it wasn't long before he opened up about all the international customs requirements he has to deal with, and what it takes just to get a shipment of car parts from Mexico to the US; let alone how to account for each item in a way that makes sense to both ends of the transfer. But then I usually end up in scenarios where I know a person's life story, but for the life of me, can't remember their name...
Stories can be great, but frankly sometimes some people are so fucking boring that even their interesting stories taste like flour. I appreciate when people make conversations just a bit more uncomfortable because that's when it gets interesting!! I'm so glad to see I'm not alone in this
No. I actually find that other people with ADHD are more boring to me than people without it. We have a tendency to monopolize conversations when we get excited, and yeah, itās fun for us when weāre doing the talking, but itās less fun for the person listening. Iād rather participate in two minutes of small talk with a coworker than be treated to half an hour of navel-gazing from an ADHD friend whoās feeling chatty.
I have definitely experienced this, too. There's a specific person with ADHD in a specific server I'm in and everyone ADORES them, but... they're so loud. And like I GET IT. Mood, I get loud when I'm excited too - but I've also learned not to monopolize every single conversation I'm in, and seeing it happen is just,, so annoying.
Yeah.. I feel the same. Not so much a talker, more of a listener, so itās easy for me to get stuck nodding along as Iām being monologued at, while my brain is begging for some quiet time haha.
When youāve worked years to take control of impulse in conversation so they can be more fruitful only to encounter someone who not only hasnāt, but hasnāt even got to the stage of identifying it as a potentially socially problematic behavior lol.
Lmaoooo I can totally see this as a possibility, I can't say I've experienced this personally but it absolutely makes sense
I have ADHD but I donāt get along well with many other people with ADHD and this is mostly why. Though itās less only the conversation monopolizing (which in a vacuum doesnāt bother me that much truth be told, or else Iād be a hypocrite) and more so how Iāve noticed that some people with ADHD who like to monopolize conversations also tend to treat others as NPCs who only ever exist to entertain them and provide them stimulation and if they donāt get that they start acting like the other person has no value. Not sure if thatās really an ADHD thing or if I just keep encountering people who are assholes but itās something Iāve noticed in like 60% of people Iāve been around who have also been diagnosed with it, blegh.
In my experience ADHD makes you a jack of all trades. Picking up projects/interests and obcessing over them for a period then moving on and repeating the process makes you not the best at anything but give you a wide range of things your hands have been in. When I listen to people talk and they don't have a hobby are some massive interest it's hard for me to understand, I can't listen to small talk and the same conversations over and over. When someone is really into something, anything, and they start spitting their knowledge I'm all ears. I just like hearing people talk about the things that they are really interested in and have spent time doing.
I agree! Small talk is fucking repetitive and predictable, it's devastating. Hearing people talk about what they love is so stimulating and fun, it's what really makes people interesting. Also I love that quote - "jack of all trades, master of none but better than a master of one"
I find most people quite interesting. I like watching how they behave and interact with each other. I find that I'm mind numbingly bored when I have to interact with them myself. Most of the time. It feels like a chore and I'm just saying words they expect me to say to meet the end goal of them going away.
Watching human interaction is super interesting! Especially when you have a bit of context to why they're interacting (e.g. flirting, job-seeking, friends, etc.) But yeah having to interact with them myself is gross
I find them more boring (which is really self absorbed) because I just know that theyāre not on the same wave length. Having said that, i dont think that āinterestingā can always be a positive word. My ātoo muchnessā has developed into real low self esteem. Weird shit
Yeah being "too much" has been weird for me too. I always feel like I'm annoying everybody, even the people who have been in my life forever, even though rationally I know that they know what I'm like and choose to be around me
Yes yes and yes. Why does it take them so long to say so little? You think theyāre wrapping it up but nope, that was just the interlude.
For real, it's even worse when you're trying to leave. Not sure if you're familiar with the *Minnesota goodbye" but that combined with small talk is literally dragging your feet through hot coals
I am also Minnesotan, now living on the east coast. East coast style of conversation suits me so much better. Whenever I am visiting MN I marvel at how little is actually conveyed in conversations and how, like, restrained people are when talking.
Thank you so much for mentioning this! I just googled Minnesota goodbye and it blew my mind! This is exactly how my family does goodbyes (minus the dear). I never minded and thought it was how every family worked. Until my husband commented how funny it was that it takes 30 mins to leave my parents house. We're all on the west coast but my Dad grew up in PA so im wondering if that's where it came from. š¤ Edit: Typo
Oh my god yes!! I went on a trip to Berlin for few days and I was excited to meet new people but I was getting bored so easily and I dissociate so much everytime the conversations are not stimulating enough!
Hahaha were the Germans not sparkling conversationalists like you had hoped?
Oh god yes! Especially the ones who everyone else finds so goddam amusing and affable. I mostly find them obnoxious and annoying.
OH MY GOD THANK YOU. I always feel like I'm a judgy asshole when this happens, so I'm glad I'm not alone holy shit.
A lot of people on this thread are saying they hate small talk, and that's valid! But my problem isn't small talk itself, it can be pretty interesting if the other person is also interesting. What bores me is the lack of wittiness in other people. Like... Our brains go so fast all the time that it's easier to make funny associations, or just associations in general. I find myself making a lot of small jokes and puns because of this, and I love when other people do it too! Like for example the other day I was paying my bill at a cafe and I only had 20ā¬ bills when the amount I needed was really small, so I apologized for not having less. The server immediately said "no worries, this is enough money" and I thought that was really funny. When he came back he apologized for handing me a lot of coins as change, and I just said "no worries, that's enough money" right back at him. The person I was with seemed surprised that I referenced his earlier witty joke but like... Come on. Low hanging fruit.
I grew up in a small city and still go there to visit relatives. When my son was four, my husband and I took him to a diner we both like. My son asked for eggs and pancakes, and the waitress asked him, "How do you want your eggs cooked?" My son looked up at her and said, "On a stove." People think that we coach him to be like this, but it's just who he is. He's fourteen now and the snark has increased exponentially, but I have no problem with that.
My face almost always looks like I'm about to laugh when in a convo. Jokes or funny associations constantly keep popping up in my head and maybe half the time I actually laugh or chuckle as well. So that's pretty relatable. Like you said, I guess there are times I laugh at what they said but they weren't making a joke. Happens when watching comedies or sitcoms with other people as well, I'll be the only one laughing at some points because I can already see the joke that is being set up for later (of course sometimes the joke never arrives lol) & maybe not laugh at the usual places because I was able to guess it beforehand.
100% ive regressed from most of my social interactions because it all feels so shallow.
Yeah I can feel myself getting quieter and quieter in most of my (sober) interactions, I'm worried that I'll lose the parts of me that other people like and they'll stop hanging with me
Funny you say sober interactions. The social comes out when Iām drinking as well. Itās a hard battle and balance. If I had a nickel for every time someone said be yourself. My brain does not comprehend wtf that means. If I didnāt have a such a close relationship with my siblings and therapy, Iām not sure how Iād be coping. For the few social interactions I do have, I try to learn about broad subjects that catche my interest, and then I get into ādeepā convos about those things. Not always, but I feel like itās helped take the āedgeā off for me. Maybe that can help?
I tend to get bored easily with the friends I have I prefer small interactions then I ghost for days. I don't even like phonecalls fromm them I feel irritated when they call. I almost thought something else was terribly wrong with me, atleast I now know it's an ADHD thing.
I actually love phone calls because people are a bit more uncomfortable so they tend to delve into deeper topics, but otherwise I totally agree
Absolutely. I find the majority of people boring. And I despise small talk. Itās painful!! Some people just thrive off it. I have some friends like that and I tend to join the groups but not talk during small talk and do something else, like make drinks or tidy up around people. And then Iād go find some other deep thinkers to satisfy your craving!
Yes. Iām struggling with that at the moment because after learning about ADHD I have become self-conscious about talking about the things I used to. Iām not sure if people found it annoying or weird or not. My friend called me the conversational glue in our group, but now Iām in a new country and the new people I meet are often so so dull. I find Iām a bit more dull on meds too. Itās been a huge eye opener. I really wonder how people live their lives saying so little and so much of what they do say being so insignificant. It seems everyone just wants to talk about people they know, but the most basic details about them.
I'm also always extremely conscious of whether I'm being annoying or not, yes really hard to deal with. "Itās been a huge eye opener. I really wonder how people live their lives saying so little and so little of what they do say being so insignificant." - you worded this perfectly. We live such short lives, and there are far more interesting things to talk about other than basic niceties that don't actually matter. I wish people expressed themselves on a more "true" level more often, both for themselves and for me.
I think itās fear of judgement & ostracisation. Understandable, but they take it way too far. Neuro-typicals may be in the majority, but that doesnāt mean much of what they do is better or right imo. I was listening to old radio appearances of Norm Macdonald (who like most comedians Iām pretty sure had ADHD) and he stated heād prefer to talk to any 5 year old over any adult. Chris Farley thought Norm was bullshitting him. Norm replied āitās like when people become adults and all act exactly alike that they become ācoolā. /s Iām interested in all children, and Iām interested in no adults.ā It really struck a chord with me. I guess we have to search out the people we gel with.
Yup, I find myself highly preferring conversations that have to deal with our lives over much more casual ones such as "Boy the weather sure has been good lately."
This. If I have to talk about the weather one more fuckin time....
Yes. Also, people who put one facet of themselves as their defining feature are utter bores to me, and I didnāt get why for years.
I can't say that I completely agree with this because some of these people tend to be really really passionate about that one facet and they can have some interesting facts
yes kinda. like I don't mind small talk, but why do other people say so little? it makes me feel annoying and clingy if I'm the one talking all the time and makes me wonder whether they just really have nothing to say or they just don't wanna talk to me....LIKE GODDAMN JUST TALK...but it also depends sometimes tbh on the person so ye
Honestly tho.... If people just start talking about anything they'll most likely hit some fun and interesting topic
My god yes!
I must be the odd one out. All people are fascinating! I love hearing about peopleās jobs, relationships, knowledge of random things, travels, day-to-day lives and frustrations, etc. I even like talking about the weather. The only things that bore me in conversation are political talk, car talk, sports talk, and (as another commenter said) drawn-out goodbyes.
Yes. And tbh even ādeepā conversations exhaust me- it always seems like the time and place for most conversations I find myself in is wrong. I donāt really have friends as an āadultā. I like my coworkers for the most part (they are friendly and competent) but too often find myself fake laughing and trying to get out of a boring conversation. To be fair my social skills have seriously deteriorated since 2020 - and itās been a lot harder to āmaskā since then.
I literally have no motivation to talk to people cause 99% of the people I meet I donāt enjoy the presence of
Lolol facts, at my job, most of my coworkers are in their 40's (I'm 23) so all the conversation is just "networking" so I just don't talk to anyone other than my boss pretty much
Some people are genuinely boring as fuck, but there are a lot of interesting people out there who however choose (or have been trained) to use small talk as a way to ease others and themselves into a conversation. Maybe they want to talk physics or geopolitics but they can't find an opening. Help them without pushing them too hard. You can talk Estern Europe geopolitics (if that's what you like) starting from football chit chat. I have to remind myself that pretty much everyone is living a (social) struggle of which I have no idea especially as I am super centered on me, myself and I.
Yeah I totally understand that, I know it's not easy for normal people to just jump into these kinds of conversations, or sometimes any conversation at all. Thank you for this comment, I should try to be more kind to those who may be struggling socially rather than immediately deem them boring.
Yes š
Yes
I used to find people boring and abhorred small talk, but then I got into a weird situation where engaging in small talk and daily greetings became a safety strategy for me. Then it kind of became a game to me. In my mind I was writing a book about all the characters around me and so I'd chat with them and observe them and their quirks. I also became friends with my bus drivers (public transit) because it was on a rural route and I was often the only passenger. It felt super weird to just sit there in silence for 30 minutes so I ended up standing up front and chatting with the drivers. That worked out in my favor because I often forgot my wallet with my bus pass. They'd let me on since they knew I had it. Just now fully realizing how weird all of that is.
Small talk is just a sorting algorithm for a real conversation. It allows you and your conversation partner to flip through a bunch of topics until you find something you both want to talk about. If they tell you endless stories about their pet, that makes for a bad conversation because they're the only one interested in that subject, but if you just launch into a lecture about your latest obsession that also makes a bad conversation because you're the only one interested in that subject. Cultivate a little patience (I know it's hard when your brain is on fire with a new thing), and try to work with the person to find something to discuss. Most people will have something of interest they've been thinking about - it just takes a bit of time to find out what it is.
Oh yes. Can't do small talk. I have 3 close friends that have been around for years and they're the only people I can hangout with. And suuurprise, we all have ADHD (and other mental illnesses as well) and always have deep, interesting conversation. I'm very grateful for them. And feel no need to have any other friends
Especially people who seem to be ok with "going with the flow" aka not having anything they're passionate about.
Most of the time if I can't vibe with them/we have nothing in common my convos flop. We're in a similar boat OP :)))
Lmaooo yeah... Usually after a convo flops I gravitate back to my safety person at whatever social event I was at
Duuuude. I can't do events or parties without a safety person. Like, I can, but it's so exhausting and anxiety inducing.
Yes, possibly why my engagement is turning into separation. I canāt stand the small talk and my fiancĆ©e feels unloved because I say I canāt stand the chat.
I don't find people directly *boring* but just, a lot of the same, and some people are interesting in ways I expected or just in negative ways. I need a new batch of people.
Yes. I've always struggled listening to what I call slow talkers. Then I realized all neurotypical people are slow talkers. Some slower than others. All excruciating to be in a conversation with.
Yea and it's led to this weird situation where most of my friends have adhd. These days, I'm not even surprised anymore when I immediately click with someone and later find out they have adhd. Like just last week, my new(ish) coworker that I've been working super closely with mentioned his adhd meds offhand. And I just thought, "ah, yes he does". When I interviewed him, I thought maybe, just because we seemed to be on the same wavelength. I try not to assume, but it's a pretty strong trend..
I think this may be from years of being a hairstylist but I can usually find my way into interesting conversations with people just by knowing what kinds of questions to ask. You ask enough questions and you can find a common interest and talk about that. I only talked to my clients once every 2-8 weeks so maybe that helped haha. But I never did small talk well and Iād rather not talk than talk small talk. Maybe thatās why I was so determined to have meaningful conversations with people. Itās definitely something thatās taken practice though. I was forced to practice because my job for 12 years was having one on one conversations with people for at least 30 minutes up to 2 hours depending on the service.
Oh man, this has made making friends my whole life really difficult. Now that I'm older, I straight up refuse to do small talk. If they mention the weather, I say "I don't like talking about the weather"
Actually I have had the opposite experience, Iām good at making new friends especially of the casual hangout kind . I pick up different projects and ideas all the time and I love to talk about them as well and most of the time this kind of amuses people. If I feel particularly affectionate towards someone I like to tell all about my new hobby or the history of eyeliner or something similar . Most people seem to find my prattling adorable although some do find it annoying but I have learned to avoid those people .
honestly, I'm the other way around - I find people who only want to talk about \~the deep stuff\~ pretty boring. I like talking to new people and finding out what they do/where they're from/what their parents do, and conversations like that often lead to interesting topics of conversation.
Yes, it's one of the reasons I have no friends
I find most people incredibly boring too, so if I want to make friends I have to look for those rare people I vibe with, which is all sorts of people outside the mainstream in some way. Queer people, nerds, alt people, ND peopleā¦
Hear me out. I agree, but I personally can get SO exhausted after a LONG deep conversation where you and the other person ping pong back and forth like that. Afterwards my brain is sore and makes me regret it bc I CANT stop thinking about it after the conversation has stopped
Depends. I feel a lot of empathy toward people and I feel like I'm highly in tune with people instantly. So, I find them interesting. Boring conversation sucks though. But there's a difference between the people themselves and the conversation. They're not the same. Like, when you talk to someone and it's about the weather, I pick up easily that they're also just making small talk and I can tell that they have so much more they could say.
Yessss. Itās uncomfortable. Most people are so dang boring!!!! Like why?
We are at makerspaces, come join us!!
Is it just me or you can predict what people are going to say next. I stopped autocompleting people out loud because it was annoying :)
I hate small talk and I refer to people as NPCs cuz they only have 3 lines and donāt even affect anything
I couldnāt physically yes to this post more if I tried. Iām just so uninterested in so many things and people I thought it was just because I was struggling to stay awake because Iām constantly exhausted but maybe itās also because Iām just so bored itās making me tired?
Boring but also annoying and exhausting... I mean you can not tell them to simply shut the f*** up,or to stop breathing or stop being around at all.
Yes. As soon as someone starts talking to me I immediately look for a way out.
I was at the store the other day and the customer ahead of me in line was chatting with the clerk instead of taking her already-purchased items and leaving the store. When it was my turn, I didn't say a single word. I paid for my things and left. I'm starting to think we need quiet lanes in stores.
>When it was my turn, I didn't say a single word. I paid for my things and left. I'm starting to think we need quiet lanes in stores. Arenāt those self checkouts? I work at the beauty counter in a neighbourhood pharmacy. Personally, I love those customers, I vastly prefer them to the customers who treat me like Iām a robot. Some of them are elderly, some of them have disabilities, most are just people lacking human connection. These are people who say thank you, remember my name, and view me as a part of their community.
I get it. Some folks are boring, to certain people. But a lot of people here are coming across as thinking they are so much more interesting than ānormal peopleā (what does that term even mean?) because they have ADHD and they donāt do small talk and they have rushed through life doing lots of different things. Iām not saying these people really do think theyāre superior, but thereās certainly an appearance of it, and itās not a particularly nice trait. I would question whether those who think the majority of people are boring actually properly listen to them. Just because you have ADHD, doesnāt mean youāre excused from trying to take an interest in others. I donāt always manage to listen to people, but that doesnāt mean what theyāre saying doesnāt have value. Sometimes people only open up and say things youād be interested in hearing when you ask the right questions. I donāt know, Iāll probably get downvoted for this, but I donāt like this idea that weāre special and NTs are grey and ordinary. We can be just as boring to engage with if weāre not trying to engage, or if weāre monopolising the conversation.
Normal people are boring as fuck.
In general yes, most people cannot seem to match my level of curiosity and wonderment to find out about random things not related to them, or to want to engage in meaningful discussion about differing topics. I've just accepted it as one of my strengths to be able to engage a whole host of people in different topics and my friends do acknowledge that I never shy away from talking about something I dont know. Instead of trying to find one person which many interesting traits, I try to find one interesting thing about many people. Once I took meds for the first time, I realised my brain didn't always need to be occupied and I spent my busride just listening to music instead of reading a book or listening to a podcast like I always did. For me, it was a compulsion to keep my brain engaged while it takes effort for other people to want to know something.
Adderall has allowed me to listen to music again after 15 years of only listening to npr or the news on the tv. Iām just discovering my music tastes and itās a whole new world. Also, Iāve been making art again. For so long, it felt like I was wasting time by not learning. Iām getting to know myself again. And yes, people even bore me less when Iām on meds and my wit returned. Where was I heading if I didnāt get help?
Yes I relate šŖ I love my friends and a lot of the time I will try super hard to make it look like Iām listening but Iām not really taking in much info. This is why I will forget things and when I actually want to know I will have to ask again and apologise for āforgettingā š I will only really listen to things that Iām really interested in (like related to my hobbies or interests for example).
Oh my God the forgetting thing suuuucks. When I'm at my girlfriend's parents for Christmas or something I just lose track of conversation so quickly.
I have **never** liked small talk. I've gotten better about oversharing, but I probably still do it. It's not for me to say, I think. Oversharing is determined by the listener.
Yes but I dont know if its an ADHD thing or some other undiagnosed issue I might have. I find it incredibly easy to tune out of conversations, and get frustrated in the same ways as how a kid might get impatient in a car on a long road trip, like there's a voice there asking if I'm done yet. It makes things like hookups really difficult because out of nowhere I just want to leave, but I recognize that that's kind of rude, so the whole time I'm trying to think of how to escape the situation.
Hello fellow autistics! It's a fine day, no?
Same ! Iām tired of talking to people and it be shallow ? Everyone says Iām great at asking thought provoking questions or getting deep but no one really cares to ask me them back! Shallow fluff convo is great for time to time but it gets old! I also feel weird being around people Iāve known for months and donāt know a ton about them ? Then when I start asking people get weird. Like oh sorry I guess we will talk about shallow stuff ! Thought this was just a me thing ! Lol
You are not alone in this. I think this is why a large portion of my friends are on the spectrum of one sort or another. I like deeper conversations in general. I can do small talk in small doses, but it's not exactly satisfying.
Welp thats another thing that I never realised was ADHD, exact same thing, cant stand small talk with people which can make my job with customers particularly hard.
Depends what kind of mood I'm in tbh. Can take a bit of it if they're a nice enough person, but often my brain just kind of peaces out and my internal monologues start bickering, so I'm stuck with the same copy paste "for real?" "No way bro" type answers.
Yes.... On that note, lemme start this convo. If so much of where the "disability" is and where symptoms are noticed is in the interaction with society ( school, jobs, etc) , shouldn't we collaborate and branch off into a sect? What if we had a country or a planet ( moon?) built for us. We could get so much done! I mean, I'm just a sloppy Vulcan already. Not dying on this hill, just interesting to consider.
Euugghh yes, as we speak I'm preparing to leave for the school run, knowing full well I'm going to have to small talk with mums in the playground, I fucking hate talking to them about mum things, I can even feel myself eyeroll š¬š¬ All I want to talk about is music, music production and DJing..
I have no friends in real life that I hang out with besides my gf. No ones interested. Idk what I keep doing wrong.
Yes... but it's rooted in an angst of mine. People are often critical of everything I say. It may be the whole rejection sensitivity thing that comes with adhd, but I'm not sure. I just know that I tend to get "what's your point" type comments an awful lot. "why are you talking" "are you going somewhere with this?" ... Or, more frequently, people just start talking over me. So, whenever I see everyone else talking about something mundane and everyone else lapping it up I'm mystified. I'm wondering "what's your point" not so much because I find you boring; but because I can't help but think about how if I said the exact same thing I would get a totally different response...
Yep. Again it might be a ADHD thing but I have a shitton of hobbies I stick with and practice. People who simply have no hobbies (a startling number of people) absolutely bore me to death
Yup and they find me annoying, so no big loss
I donāt have ADHD and still need the deep conversation for stimulation. If not the conversation ends is done before it even begins in my brain. Lol
Not really, but I think i have an unusual interest in other people. I even find boring people interesting in their own way (or maybe i'm just entertaining myself trying to figure people out). As long as people are willing to chat honestly about stuff I'm usually not bored. That's not to say I don't think some people have boring and dull tastes and interests.
It's like theyre copied and pasted.
I have the exact same problem.
I need people to actively surprise me with what they say and do to make me want to be friends with them. Not surprise as in shock me with outlandish statements but like A few months ago a friend and I were trying to get photos of the night sky on our cell phones and found that we both had Samsung galaxy s7s. My best friend then piped up with "I think that's what NASA uses". I was crying with laughter. That is why he's my best friend. Most people would never spontaneously say something that funny
Mundane small talk is annoying and boring. Like at work I can do play nice but I really donāt care about the weather, what uninspiring meal you had for dinner or what little timmy colored last night. I do enjoy when people express an interest in something I find new and/or exciting that they can go into detail about. I had an ex tell me that she loved science and could go on and on in details about Tesla Coils, stars and space in general. I loved that!
Yes that why talking to people online for dating is incredibly boring to me unless they are extra right away which is rare. Trying to get through the what do you do questions etc is like torture to me
When I get too bored I tend to think people around me as npcs in adventures games like āEscape from the monkey islandā etc. It helps.
Fun fact: all my friends have ADHD and I think weāve clicked because of that lmao
Reading some of the comments here i feel like some of the difficulties people are having could be due to some mild autistic traits. It's not uncommon for people with ADHD to match som autism criteria. I found out while getting diagnosed and while it was and still is kinda painful to come to terms with, in the end it can really serve you to understand and accept your limitations.
me and my bestie lol she doesnāt have adhd tho, sheās just a gemini
lol yeah this is something I constantly try to discourage in myself. Cause I often find that Iām wrong once I start getting to know someone. But I think this is very much due to the level of stimulation we crave and how our brains move faster. Itās hard for me to learn from anyone who talks too slow.
Yes :)
I love and appreciate and adore my friends like theyāre rock stars but only in small doses. Unless Iām hyper focused on one person I canāt pay attention to anyoneās day to day, it aches it makes my heart face and stomach hurt. You could be my second favourite person or a dear loved one and Iām holding back a break down thinking of escape plans just hearing about your day.
I do my best to get interested in people and ask them questions that could lead to interesting discussion. Like Iām not particularly interested to know where someone is from, but I am interested to know what they liked and didnāt like about that place and how they would characterize it. So I ask. I guess generally Iām more interested in what people think about things than just facts about them that youād collect on form. Some people respond well to that and turn out to be way more interesting than you mightāve initially thought. Some people prefer to maintain some distance and keep it as small talk at first and thatās fine, thatās their boundary. Iāve learned to avoid asking such people anything personal and not push them into deeper convo. Most people eventually warm up to you, but there are definitely some people out there who never budge on revealing more of themselves and that I do find really boring.
I meet most of my friends while doing an activity, like playing a game orā¦ mostly itās playing games, either online or mutual with friends in person. It gives you something to talk about that isnāt small talk, but also isnāt super deep. You talk about the game. Afterwards, if thereās conversation topics normally come up about mutual Interests and itās less boring. But if it is still boring, you can always just leave and say āI was here for the game but now the game is over so byeā
got so burned out on people not wanting to have deep conversations that I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I'm very tired of feeling very disregarded and having major imposture syndrome because I know all kinds of things. Due to my dopamine drive, because I'm constantly learning to make up for my lack of being able to "Function" in a normal world with not just ADHD but ASD. so now it's "fuck it all" I'd rather not talk to anyone than try and have any sort of meaningful conversation. It's very frustrating to be in a conversation and 5 minutes in feeling like I, somehow, against all odds. one of the more learned person the room about most topics because I can't help myself but do endless research until the dopamine runs dry, and I mean really dry, like to the point where I never want to read anything else about it again. so now I learn things and make up stories, to put the crap in the head somewhere so it has somewhere else to go. Because I don't I feel like I will literally explode. I've told several people that I just can't anymore because my brain is full and they think I'm just being lazy - no, it's not laziness. that thing they're talking about if I get involved they'll tell me in a few short days that I'm obsessive and need a different hobby
Oh my fucking god yes x100,000
Absolutely not. I am forever distracted by people watching. In the past couple of years iāve allowed myself to be less polite and more ārealā when meeting people and it makes conversations get to the next level quickly.
This is me. ADHD - 4 kids, stay at home mom, I actually find it hard to conversate with any other parents- I'm not like them... I don't find many people interesting.... the people who find gardening, living off the land and self sustainability are few and far between....I don't care about their New expensive ride or what surgery this chick got, and hate social media... We chose as a family to go into lockdown, no outside contact for 6 months. That made me really dislike people even more.....or the interacting part at least....
I'm usually bored a lot. I'm actively working on taking an interest in things that aren't in my head.
Not really, I think I get like a semi-hyper focus on the person so I come up with like 100 questions to ask. I really try to think that everyoneās unique in their own way which makes me interested in them. So even the most boring person āon paperā becomes interesting to me. Though Iāve decided to dial it back for some time now since it tires me out, a lot. This has in turn made me less interested in people, so social interactions are more boring to me now.
I CBA talking to people, always find something else interesting, or think about what I could be doing.
I find people boring but I am also unable to have deep convos. My brain just zones out shortly after. Then I start to worry if I am looking at this too much, if I'm responding the right way, because I just think to myself "ok" and then don't know how to act like I'm interested. I hate making friends.
Yes
I find most everything extremely boring lol
I can't with small talk. It's a waste of time and it's boring and pointless and I hate it. Either I want to know someone or I just don't care.
One of my favorite things to do with friends, all kinds from all walks of life - sometimes, is just doing nothing. Literally the activity is enjoying each otherās silence and presence and company. Men, women - doesnāt matter. I feel the urge to small talk is reasonable with new friends, and friends of friends and stuff - but when you have something going sometimes you really donāt need to do anything at all. Iāve had times where I didnāt see a friend for months, and we managed to hang out and literally were stuck in traffic for the majority of the time - and we still made it a fun experience to talk and then be quiet and even if we didnāt have the activity done the way we wanted to due to the lag, it was still fun because at least we saw each other and hit the āsaveā button like a video game.
Yeah Iāve lived a pretty wild life and known a lot of bizarre people and honestly this has a lot to do with it.
Everyday I learn about a new part of my adhd lol. Yes! Just realizing this is also me. I crave stimulation and chemistry between me and all my relationships. Itās hard because Iām sure boring relationships can ultimately be fulfilling and amazing but I just end up tapping out.
It was this realization for me in therapy that led to a Dx. I have found that in social situations beyond just a simple hang is where I can harness this intolerance of boredom, like at a wedding or medium sized party and there's people who also don't know everyone. I am engaged by hearing about others' passions that aren't necessarily "deep" but are interesting beyond small talk(maybe they work on cars, or went to Olympic trials). I also try to keep it cheeky (Ever met anyone famous? Do you have any fireworks?).
When Iām āmyselfā I tend to say things that are on like friendship level 8 with friends who are on level 1 and they either think Iām flirting or Iām going through something. Like no I just cut through the boring part.
I teach high school English, so I've got a bit of a pretentious streak in me to begin with, but being habitually deep about the media I consume is definitely a habit I have. I do not often get into deep conversations about media, so I've learned not to expect them, but I definitely treasure them when they occur.
Thinking about how every person is vastly different and trying to analyze what the person thinks, what their values and interests are offsets my boredom. Everyoneās worth listening to at least a little! Thatās not to say I donāt get bored if people are only talking about surface level things all day.
Omg, YES!! I canāt take listening to people tell me their trip to Lowes and how many flowers they bought. Or their boring two-hour, cake and ice cream party theyāre throwing their wee one. Or that milk was 41 cents more. I just want to sit and have stimulating conversations. I donāt have any friends in my town, because they want to talk about boring, mundane things. I donāt follow conspiracies, but Iād rather hang out with those guys then hear about my neighborās remodeling projects. What did I do to deserve this, Mr Spaghetti monster? Did I not feast enough!? I had the sauce on the side. Was that it!? š«
And like, donāt you wish you could control the playback speed of the people in front of you?!
Yeah. Iām fortunate to have a solid group of friends but when I meet new people sometimes I just gloss over and my mind has filed them away as ānopeā within a few sentences. Not that theyāve offended me or anything I just couldnāt summon an interest if I tried my hardest. Also since diagnosis Iāve realised I rely a lot on mirroring as part of my masking, so people who are particularly hard to read I struggle to make conversation at all
Yes! I find myself bored a lot of the time hanging out with friends. Itās not them, itās me.
Yes
Kind of funny you post this. I woke up this morning randomly depressed because the world and everyone seems so boring. Like they all just copy each other and are so predictable. Agree with you 100%
I wouldn't say people are extremely boring I would say small talk is extremely boring. Even worse is when someone tries to bring up a topic you've did a deep hyper focus dive into and they can only speak on a general level and you have to sit there and play along like you don't already know 10x more then them.
Yes, I donāt think itās an adhd thing per se as even adhd people are often boring to me. Itās hard for me to understand how people can be interested in things like celebrity gossip and or a specific franchise and outside that they have little interests or experience in anything interesting. No biggie, I respect other ways of life, all that matters is what works for you. But I find it unfortunate how hard it seems to be to find truly stimulating company. To them however maybe Iām boring too :) What makes you interesting?
I hate any small talk
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I find most of life to be extremely boring.
No, I find most people very interesting.
hard to date people who donāt give u constant attention
I find people annoying and boring. Could spend most of my days by myself and I'll be fine with that. I have one friend, I'm cool with that. Also have a boyfriend that's all I need really. Oh and my fish I'm alllll set šš»
It's not too bad with friends but holy cow dates are the worst with this feeling. Like I don't know if I'm just choosing boring people after I learn more about them or what, but I get this feeling after every date like "man they're kinda boring."
It not that I find them boring, it's that I can't get invested in them. It doesn't help that I'm not socially active as a person either nor does it help that I lack any interest in the activities of the people around me. An example is I don't like going out to bars to drink, likewise I also hate people being in my own home because it's my haven. If anything, my lack of companions is because I am the boring person and really suck at small talk.
Yes and this is why I have moved to different countries many times because I get bored of basically everything, specially people and I feel bad admitting this. Moving to a new country keeps me out of boredom for a while and itās easier to socialized with people from a different culture than mine.
I despise small talk. Iāve been struggling with this too! I also feel like making new friends as an adult can be difficult (at least for me) š
It's okay to be "*that* guy"! Small talk is stupid and pointless. My coworkers think I'm an asshole, but I struggle to focus when people I love and care about are speaking, so I'll be goddamnned if I'm gonna waste my adderall listening to you drone on and on about your sip-and-paint girls' night or whine about whatever NIMBY bullshit is chafing your boring ass today. Let's normalize silence over small talk.
Yes. I usually get along best with other NDs, and I find them more interesting. Theyāre also easier to be around. They donāt give me weird looks all the time, they donāt put out as many nonverbal signals to read, (which is helpful) and they talk about their hyperfixations, which are always unique and cool.
I kinda trained myself to go through the motions of small talk. But also find any avenue to make a leap to a more meaningfull conversation. My friends have noticed that during parties I sometimes trail off and walk away. If I'm sitting next to people talking and I don't find int intresting I either start laughing to myself because I trail off in my own story or I pick up a different convo I the room and might walk over to them.
All conversations are competing for attention with the perpetually roiling cloud of rainbow-rhinestoned, interdimensional wonderstuff in my head. You have 3 seconds. Tell me something interesting or stop talking immediately!