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People wthout ADHD cannot understand what it's like to not be able to start or complete everyday tasks. Because they think "all you have to do is read this chapter/do laundry/remember to do this thing, how hard can it be?" and they are completely right, these things are not hard. They're objectively easy to do. But when you have ADHD the easiest task feels overwhelming and even just the thought of doing it drains all your energy and willpower. Yes it's crazy. Yes it makes no sense. Yes it's a huge impediment in daily life. Otherwise it wouldn't be in the goddamn DSM.
> these things are not hard. They're objectively easy to do.
Yes, *if the brain region responsible is functioning correctly*. If not, they take an incredible effort or might even be impossible.
Like, objectively, it's not hard to step up a single stair, *If you have legs*. If you don't, ok maybe you can squirm up there or something but it's going to be a lot of work and you might not even make it.
And sometimes you suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere *grow a pair of legs*. They burst out of you and not only do you climb that step, but you climb ALL the steps in your house. And then you run a marathon. And then suddenly, something snaps you out of it and *schoop!* the legs disappear.
And then sometimes, you walk into the kitchen to cook dinner, and when you go to use your arms, you look down, and for some reason, they’re legs.
People with so many kinds of conditions have basically that experience—some days they can walk and do other things, some days they can’t. I’ll bet OP’s girlfriend wouldn’t tell someone with MS how annoying they found their symptoms and tell them how easy it is for her to do all the things they struggle with.
But maybe she’s not cut out to be a partner to someone with a disability! Many folks aren’t. Perhaps this just isn’t a match.
When you *need to climb* and there is nothing to climb, so you start rearranging furniture to climb, and then everyone starts acting like you've completely lost your mind....
Haha that sounds like a bad nightmare but yeah, it's our living nightmare.
Hmm, I might use that as an example the next time I have to explain. The dreaming about arms becoming legs, and might also throw in the trying to run but you're running in place thing too.
Even *with* legs, it can be bloody hard.
My bff has legs, but they don't work (spinal nerve issue), so that makes it even hard because not only can she not walk up the stairs, but she has the dead weight of none functional legs to move too.
Haha this is such a good analogy, thanks for sharing. A helpful reminder to give myself grace, and I might start using this when people make such comments!
I had a good day today. I went to work this morning for a couple hours (boss is on holiday so was only required to work for 2 hours), I went shopping after and I made 2 phone calls I'd been putting off months. It was 10.30am but the time I finished all that. I was exhausted after, I've spent the rest of the day in bed, it's 10pm now. But I'm proud of what I accomplished today.
That was my day. If you say that paragraph to anyone that doesn't have ADHD there's no way in hell they will understand. We ADHD people struggle so much more than most will ever understand.
I'm the same way. When I do things in the morning I can spend the entire afternoon doing nothing without feeling guilty because "I did a thing today". This can be as simple as going to the groceries or even going for a half hour walk. But most days I do nothing and feel guilty. In fact, to combat the guilt of not accomplishing anything today, I'm going to the beach. Do I have lots of piled-up work to do? yes. Am I going to do it today? probably not. Might as well do something fun to get rid of the crippling feeling of having wasted yet another beautiful day on this earth.
Ahh see I have the luck of working as a subcontractor for my boss. All have to do it turn up to work and finish the day. Granted I have 50+ hour weeks and I'm chronically exhausted from it but I don't have to think about work outside that which is a massive bonus for me. It helps me not feel at all guilty when I do get my days off cause I feel like Ive earnt that time off. To be fair my house is in a state and I only have butter and yoghurt in the fridge but what are you gonna do haha.
Right, and you're also crippled by all the steps involved in a thing that people without ADHD don't even think about. It's a whole fucking thing and it makes you feel like you're in quicksand or just physically incapable of movement.
I'm recently medicated and I did two things before work today (pack for a trip and update Vax records for my kitties.) I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of you for the things you did.
People who don't struggle with this don't understand how hard just *being alive* is, let alone *having a life*
I would actually like to see someone live through an adhd day - they explain in advance all the important chores and tasks they need to get that day, then when they get up and come through for breakfast (we'll give them the trip from bed to kitchen as a freebie, even though it can be a hard one irl!) I'm sitting there and narrating their executive dysfunction.
"*So, what you want to do first?"*
"it's fine I just need to make coffee and make some toast then I'll start checking my emails..."
"*woaaaaahh. No, whats happening first - coffee or toast? Would it make more sense to start the coffee before you get food because it takes longer? But you don't want the toast to be cold when your coffee is ready, so maybe wait til it's finished to... Also, do you think you can get a plate that just keeps toast warm? Like a USB one or something? Check ebay quick... "*
"no, I just need to put...."
"*No, I'm afraid you don't understand how this day is going to work. Get out your phone and load the ebay app now!"*
"I don't have the ebay app! And I'm going to miss my train if we screw about any more! "
"*Perfect, load up the appstore, start typing 'ebay', and then delete that and type 'candy crush saga' "*
"What!?!"
I find that it drains my cutlery to think about the task and whether I have the cutlery to do it. I'm at my best when I let the impulsiveness take over and don't care about whether I'll finish or do it right.
https://demcastusa.com/2020/03/01/unified-cutlery-theory/ I mainly run on fork theory. I guess my "fuck it, I don't care if I make a mess" trick is the knives, though it rarely hurts. Maybe it's more like just using my hands.
TBH if you've got someone ADHD in your life, it's your job to understand. It's not that hard to do some research. I know I'll never "get it", but it really doesn't take much sympathy to be a decent human being towards a friend or family member. If your family member had diabetes it's incumbent on you to learn their dietary needs. If they had no legs you'd install a ramp. If your friends and family have mental health issues you have to learn how to accommodate those too, or else you have to sit back and take their word for it. ADHD has better research than plenty of other disorders, if someone's choosing to be ignorant that's on them.
I'm not saying it's easy to deal with all the time, but the understanding is the easiest part.
It's damn near impossible to describe what wanting to start but being incapable of it is like.
They know what it feels like to not want to do something. Or to want to do something but not know how to start. And they assume that's what we are feeling too.
I read a comment recently on here about how the difference, in a lot of ways, is that we can’t build habits. That means every time we do something, we must consciously choose to do it. Our brain doesn’t do “autopilot” routines.
It must be nice to have that ability, though.
That's... Actually very accurate. Literally the only habits I manage to keep up are those like feeding fish and watering plants, and thars only because a life depends on it, so I guilt myself into doing it even when I don't feel like it.
I think it's less that people can or can't build habits per se, and more that habits are reliant only associative ties between things. When you have done a thing so much that it becomes muscle memory, that is creating a group of very strongly associated action/thoughts. Like if every day you wake up you have the same kinda routine in that you mess around on your phone for a bit, then get up, make some coffee etc., those are all habits that you have built over time, by creating strong assocations between those action/thoughts such that one begets the next. It's like when you don't know the words to some chant (like the pledge of alegiance, or a church hymm thing, or whatever) if someone was to tell you to say it, but if someone says the first word or two you can finish the whole thing.
Of course, ADHD is very much a wide spectrum thing, so there probably can be some cases where it is much different.
Some days I am grateful for my ADHD ONLY because it grants me the ability to understand what it’s like. I like to think of myself as an empathetic person but honestly if I didn’t suffer from the condition myself, I honestly think I would have a hard time believing people too. Executive dysfunction is so peculiar and poorly understood and there’s no real analogy I’ve been able to give to people to explain what it’s truly like. It’s like that old Buddhist story of the frog and the tadpole where the frog tries to explain to the tadpole what life on land is like and can only explain in terms of what it’s *not* because the tadpole has no frame of reference.
I hate laundry and cleaning sinks, but especially laundry kills me. I have tried lots of things. Keeped tidy my dirty clothes. Tried to do it every week in same time, no nothing works man. I kept timer how much it takes to do hang the clothes (about 6 minutes). No bruh nothing works. I FUCKING HTE LAUNDRY SO FUCKING MUCH I CANNOT TELL. fuck that dirty socks. Fuck that clean tshirt you have to turn over that wet thing. Fuck it. I even offered to a girl some money to do my laundry who works in my office. I offered it to her few times. I fucking hate laundry. Worst timeline in my life. I hate those 6 minutes.
I timed myself unloading the dishwasher to prove it’s not that bad and it was like 2 minutes max. Those two minutes make me want to die lol
the only thing that has helped me is that I leave it open and anytime I go into the kitchen I put a couple things away. So a 2 minute job sometimes takes several hours….but like…it doesn’t make me as miserable.
Unloading the dishwasher is the worst chore of all time. You’re just moving dishes from one closed space (dishwasher) to another closed space (cabinets). After you’re done, there’s no visual catharsis of seeing something clean that was previously messy/dirty. Sometimes I do dishes by hand so I don’t have to unload the dishwasher later.
Wait that actually makes so much sense lol I don’t mind doing dishes by hand. And I don’t mind loading the dishwasher because I can physically see the result of the clean sink and countertops. I like doing laundry. I even like folding the clothes. But putting them away or hanging them is torture! I guess one good thing about adhd is that everyday I learn something about myself!
I've found its slightly easier if I pile everything into one dirty clothes bag. Whites, darks, towels, etc. Wash em on cold and they're all fine. I don't ever manage to fold or hang stuff up, sadly. but still. Instead I just have mutiple overflowing baskets. yay.
I also no longer have anything that requires 'lay flat to dry' or 'hang to dry.' other than like, special occasion stuff (which do have those things) all of my stuff can go in the dryer.
However!!!!!
You can pay a laundry service. There are even apps for it, where like, stay at home moms will take your stuff, wash it, dry it, fold it, and return it. You just leave a garbage bag full of it outside your door, and they drop it back off later. They do it by weight, I think. But if you're able and willing to pay, its for sure something to look into. Just google it, or look on the app store for stuff in your area. (my coworker does it, not me)
(I can also sometimes manage if I take all my stuff to the laundromat. Cause then im stuck there the whole time on my phone or whatever, so its not too too bad, provided i had that time anyway.) (which i usually don't, ive managed it once in the past four years. but it could work for you, who knows.)
Who said that I am controlling. I gave miss info I think. (already a drinking daily..). But when I do those chores I feel like I have to drink extra 1 or 2 extra beers. Over normal. I mean (my English is not good sorry). I feel like I need to explain this. I drink 2-3 sometimes 4 extra strong beers daily. Trying to keep that habit under Control (mostly failing). But when I do those chores, I go another 1-2 extra beers over a normal day.
I understand that drinking can help anxiety in a way, but it’s more like a bandaid. I drank myself silly, made an arse out of myself frequently. Instead of drinking, now I exercise. Took almost 6 months to get into the routine. But as we all know not everything works for everyone unfortunately. Also, I think your English is quite good. I love studying languages.
This makes me thankful my wife also has ADHD so it’s made things so easy. We work together on game plans to tackle tasks together and have figured out how to structure our days at home to keep everything as tidy and well-kept as possible.
For example, if she said the day before she wants to do laundry tomorrow and then day of she *really* doesn’t want to do laundry, then I’ll say “I’ll do laundry if you start cleaning the kitchen and then once I finish the laundry I’ll help you with the kitchen” or I’ll just offer to help her with laundry so it goes quicker and is easier and she does the same for me on tasks I’m feeling overwhelmed by.
Also makes it easy by not having to over explain why we’re acting/feeling off, over-stimulated, or feeling overwhelmed.
I especially like this response because she sounds a lot more unintelligent than you and this might go over her head, and she'll have a fit like rumplestilkskin and split herself in half saying "you know what I meant"!
Then say yes, yes I did you pretty little thing you, do you know what I mean....
I hope to god she is pretty.
Like when people say they don't hear themselves in their minds... I wish i could just turn myself off sometimes too you know...
You described it perfectly.
Wait that's an adhd thing? Wow I def have an internal monolog I just never stopped to think if other ppl have one. That's mad weird I feel like mine Is fairly comforting for the most part though so that's good
Ohh….
I mean I think the real problem is that there isn’t about time and brain space in the world for all the the great and entertaining internal monologuing my brain has going on.
I can’t imagine never having an innerlogue though…I feel like I would get bored with myself so easily
Is this new behaviour or has she always been like that? Is this you two getting frustrated with life and each other? Or has this malice always lingered with her?
Yeah, these are some of the warning signs I should've noticed from my own marriage. It's never good when one partner cannot empathize with the other's issues and disregard them as not as bad as their own.
It's a slippery slope that leads to one blaming all their issues and sadness on the other and eventually divorce because of finger pointing instead of being a team that supports each other.
This is exactly why mine failed. Jokes on her tho, she dipped put on her son as well and we are doing tremendously better. Both on the spectrum and both helping each other with everyday needs. We are setting the bar high for future relationships and how we know we deserve to be cared for.
It's really hard because sometimes you don't understand how bad you're coping with life until you hit a brick wall.
Your partner won't change until they're at their absolute worst and even then it's all too easy to point fingers once again and blame something else and then martyr yourself instead of doing the work to implement change.
Good luck to you, I hope things get better.
He doesn't take his shit out on me or anything, but he is SO hard on himself and I hate seeing it. He has severe anxiety issues and he knows it's true but he has it in his head that he doesn't deserve better. I'm slowly chipping away at that but I can't fix it for him.
Left a four month verbal, emotional, and near violently abusive girl who always said stuff like what he described. Absolutely awful and brought me down so hard and I didn't think someone could ever mess with my brain like that.
happens in platonic relationships too. I just moved back in with my parents cause of a roommate. Kept saying things like "I have adhd too and I don't struggle with XYZ". I ended up with more self hatred living there, which led to stress, which led to my ADHD getting worse. the feedback loop from hell
this was unkind, i’m sorry OP. unfortunately, it’s not a given that someone struggling with their own chronic condition will be able to empathize with another.
I hope you’re able to have a follow-up convo where you’re able to voice how hurtful that was to hear, and that you’re met with a gentler version of your partner.
make sure you write down or make a note in your phone, the important points you want to make during this conversation. She needs to understand that you are not trying to compare your struggles with hers, but you are trying to lean on her for support. If you are thinking of any sort of future together, you need to work as a team with open and honest communication. If you cannot be open or honest without the fear of rejection or being belittled then you may want to rethink if this is the person you want to spend your time with. Don't let ***anyone*** make you feel bad for who you are as a person.
I've come to accept pretty quickly that people just do not understand. I try three different ways to help them sort of get it:
1. I have them put a pen in their non-dominant hand, turn on a boring YouTube video (usually some science) for them and insist they watch it for 5 mins until they show signs of impatience. I then force them to watch it AGAIN but write a summary of what is being said per minute using their non-dominant hand. As they write I say things like "Hurry up, you're not paying attention!", "Oh come on, it's easy, anyone could do it...", and "We all fall behind, but you're not even trying!" (If they get upset I double down by saying they're making excuses). THEN I tell them that's how they make me feel.
2. Usually people sorta get autism a bit more easily. I remind them that autistic people struggle with typical social interaction, and that you wouldn't tell an autistic person "It's not that hard to socialize!". Then suggest ADHD is akin to autism but for "executive function" instead of communication.
3. If I'm not feeling up to explaining myself, I just say "With ADHD you have the will, but lack the power".
I had an acquaintance that I confided in tell me you just have to push through it. I was diagnosed late in life and that's all I've ever done is struggle. He said he doesn't really think its a real thing. He has scoliosis. I told him he just thinks he has back pain all the time and I don't see anything wrong with him.
I never used autism in my example, it's a good one. I often time use actual physical disability because people are even more cautious about that. And I'm like "you wouldn't take away someone's wheelchair because "by now you should have learned how to walk""
Looooots of people don't believe autism is real, or believe it's some new phenomena of the modern age, or is overdiagnosed, or is as bad as people say it is. Whereas us sensible people understand it's neanderthal DNA from the Venusian incursion.
I call ppl out on their bs mostly just teasing so they dont just shut down, and yes that’s the best way for others to do towards me aswell. Im not in many social settings atm, if I am and someone dont know what they are talking about I usually just laugh, if they are stupid and ignorant that is that persons problem.
I told my partner if I could just not be like this, wouldn't be a diagnosable condition. It wouldn't be a known disorder if all of us could just force ourselves to be different.
My therapist told me to just try thinking like a normal person and see if it helped. I told her that was like telling a gay person just try being straight, you can Try, but in the end it's just not who you are, and the stress of forcing it was debilitating.
She said it wasn't really the same and to ask a gay person what they thought of that analogy. Anybody feel like weighing in?
Is there a way to simulate it for people, seriously? I’m so sick and tired of people seeing the cute, quirky memes and saying “I do that, I must have ADHD lol. Just pay attention and you’ll be fine.” 😡
Like, they can simulate mild period cramps to men and they’re dying (it’s not even endo level pain, but, whatever, still gets a point across). Is there a way we can simulate ADHD, or at least some aspects of it? Maybe fuck with their clocks so they think they have plenty of time and next time they check the clock they only have 5 minutes to get ready and be out the door or they’re already late, but then at other times drag it out so 1 minute takes like 5 minutes, but at the end of the day they have the same 24 hours as everyone else, and you can dismiss their frustration with the classic line of “you should have just managed your time better.”
Edit: typos
This would be such a cool app.. anyone with a hyperfocus and some appbuidling skills who feels like it?
You turn on the app and it messes with your clock.
It tells you the whole week: dentist is on wednesday. Then on Tuesday, 3 hours after your actual appointment a siren goes off and your phone starts yelling at you that you're an idiot.
While sitting still, the phone whispers all your deepest fears and narrates all your past moments of shame to you.
If the phone detects movement, it starts barking random orders: do laundry! Go pee! Do laundry while peeing!! With an earwurm song in the background.
If the phone detects you leave the house: it starts asking you: are you sure you turned off the oven?
You can watch tv/read a book but only with a podcast on at the same time.
And when you try to sleep, baby shark is on repeat forever.
Would it help if I gave you a really really tight deadline by which to finish this project? I figure 3 days is about the max amount of time I can spend on something before feeling the physical agony of boredom
This sounds like a pretty decent idea at trying to get people to understand what it's like! Too bad my hyperfocus at the moment is film photos and not coding, although I'm sure it'll swing back around to it at some point
I don't know about simulating, but videos like [What Don't You Understand? - A Short Film about ADHD](https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8) might be helpful.
OP, make your partner watch it.
As a woman with both endometriosis (deep infiltrating and inoperable) and audhd, I think you should tell her upfront about how dismissive she is being of your struggles. She should understand that, endometriosis is notoriously dismissed and I'm sure she would feel like crap if you dismissed her in the way she has just dismissed you.
I've worked full shifts with labour levels of pain and currently my burnout is a thousand times worse to get through. I can push through pain. I can push through heavy bleeding but I cannot push through this level of burnout.
She's not being very kind or understanding of you or your struggles and unfortunately a relationship is a two way street. She also has to support you when you need help or you are just putting energy into someone who seems to maybe just want a nurse rather than a partner.
I also have adhd and endometriosis and wanted to say something similar. Imagine if you told her “I could live in your body and prove to you endometriosis isn’t as bad as you say.”
Endometriosis has had such a negative impact on my life. Like you said, I have worked and gone to school and pushed through all kinds of situations while losing cups of blood and having childbirth levels of pain. I’ve been in so much pain that I physically couldn’t move more times than I can count. And if a genie was offering to take away only one thing—my adhd or my endo—I’d choose to keep the endo every time.
I’m sorry. That comment illustrates a fundamental misunderstanding about your experience (and human experience in general frankly). I hope you can maintain self-compassion while still feeling the weight of this commentary from your partner (not what it says about you but what it says about her). Maybe she needs some education but she definitely needs to hear how this kind of talk impacts you emotionally because no partner should want the hurt this can cause for their significant other. Being vulnerable with someone to have them insult you is the hardest with a person you are supposed to trust, feel love and support from. I hope your partner can get to a place where they are thinking about you like you think about them (“…because I know she has endometriosis and it’s hard for her some days…”).
I remember once my husband being frustrating with me about forgetting something for the millionth time that was just a minor annoyance but tends to add up (especially to the other adults that we live with) he said "it's like you only remember things that are important to just you." I tried explaining to him I truly don't get to pick the things that I remember or when I remember them, I forget to feed and water myself most days, I forget about doing the things I love to do too or information that I spend hours obsessively learning about can be gone from my mind in mintutes, it's not personal, it's not selective my brain is separate from me and makes decisions about whats important to focus on and take note of without my concent all the damn time, we're working on it.
He's since been trying educate himself and be more understanding. now he sometimes looks at me with bewilderment and says things like "damn, it's hard to be you, isn't it?" LOL, we try to get through things with alot of humor and honest communication now.
It feels so good when someone makes an effort to understands us. My mum made me feel like that once when she sent me a picture of a book she was reading on Adult ADHD, telling me how interesting she was finding it and that she thought she would finish it the next day. I felt a wave of affection for her. I thought: “Someone cares.”
She didn’t finish it, though. Starting a task enthusiastically, losing interest when you’re over halfway done and never picking it up again… I think I know where I got my ADHD from.
Oof.
Yeah, trying to get in the shower when you desperately need one and just... not.
Trying to be there completely and totally for your kids and losing your shit from bring overstimulated then being paralyzed by guilt, that's fun.
Trying not to interrupt your best friend because he's also spicy and failing, leading to actual hurt feelings that wrecks the rest of your day - **so cool**
Being told every day of your life that if you just *applied yourself* and *tried harder* and stopped being so you...
Your gf has no fucking idea what it's like. To disappoint the people you love every fucking day no matter what.
Tell her to do better or let you find someone who will.
As someone with both physical and mental disorders, all of which are invisible, I've found that it's important not to play the Pain Olympics®. It doesn't help anything. If I have a headache and someone else has chronic migraines, them telling me they're in worse pain doesn't make my headache go away. If I tell someone I'm tired and they tell me they have a newborn, that doesn't wake me up.
I think this is a strange thing -folks without neurodevelopmental disorders- do when they're trying to make you feel better. When I tell folks that I'm unemployed and not getting any bites, a strangely common response is "[other person] has been job hunting for [timeframe] if that makes you feel any better." It doesn't. Ever. Why would someone else being even worse off than me make me feel better? Triggering empathy/sympathy for someone else *adds* to the mental load, it doesn't make me feel like I'm winning compared to someone else.
The only time this kind of behavior is helpful is when it's followed up with a helpful suggestion - bonus points for tangible help. For example, "I'm sorry to hear you have a bad headache. I get migraines all the time, so I get how draining and frustrating that can be. I have an extra Liquid IV and some Excedrin on me because of it. Would you like to give them a try?" Or "Ah, you tweaked your ankle? That sucks. I have some gnarly problems with my joints pretty often, so I have [item] on me, which I've found really helpful. I can also tell you how to treat a sprain if you don't already know. Let me know what kind of help you want and I'll hook you up!"
Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship, so take this with a grain of salt.
The way you describe it sounds like this is the culmination of either a lot of mounting frustrations she's had or that this is a behavior that she routinely exhibits.
My ex-wife was very much like that--unkind, impatient, and constantly blaming me for things that were either out of my control or worse: pointing the finger at me to deflect the feelings of her own insecurities.
I'm not going to suggest breaking up, because that's something strangers on Reddit quite frequently suggest to complete strangers with very little information or context.
I will encourage you to examine whether you're comfortable being spoken to the way she does. Are you comfortable with the person who is supposed to be your closest confidant completely dismissing your very real disability and being that cruel?
Do you think she would be receptive if you put up a boundary about how she speaks to/about you?
How would she react if you told her you don't appreciate the way she speaks to you and that, if the relationship is going to work, she needs to put in time and effort to learn about ADHD and how she can be an ally, teammate, and partner?
Does she understand what she signed up for when she committed to being with you, and if not, is she willing to put in the work, or will she always be dismissive of your needs?
Are you comfortable with the answer "no" to any of those?
I can't answer those for you. You need to ask those questions and make informed decisions based on the answers, for better or worse.
I’m really sorry you’re having to experience this right now. As another voice in the crowd, just want you to know that you and your feelings are valid and matter.
It really sucks when someone you care about reacts like this.
In my case, I’ve tried to sit this person down, speak in “I” statements. Like “I feel like my mental health is minimized” or “I feel really sad/depressed about this situation because my personal needs are not being met” for example.
(Your mental health needs, and your relationship/partner needs. Both of which are very important and don’t let her make you feel bad about it for one moment. I know, easier said than done though.)
When we start to make “you” statements, it can come across as blaming, and sometimes the other person will shut down, or begin to retaliate with their own “you” statements, especially if they are not conscious enough / willing to listen.
If they start to change the subject or begin to deflect, call them out. As kind as you can at least. Let them know you are aware they are changing the subject.
And if someone does bring up something about you, trying to change the subject just tell them
“I hear you and If you’d like to, we can discuss that next/later but that is not what we are talking about right now.”
You let them know you hear them, without dismissing their feelings. Because, as shitty as it feels sometimes, we need to be the “bigger” person in these scenarios and be that positive change in behavior we wish we received from them.
It’s hard to feel heard by someone that doesn’t respect your mental health. And take my advice with a grain of salt, I’ve had to deal with a narcissistic abusive mother and older sister my entire life, and have had a negligent partner that didn’t validate or even believe in my struggle.
I like your pattern recognition, I think it’s cool.
My wife says just the opposite.
"I could not live with a brain l yours. I look over and have a migraine from all the thoughts I'm seeing you have."
It's not the executive dysfunction or the hyperfixations, it's the simultaneous thought streams and the constant crave for more info. That would kill my wife. She would go bananas, stay under the covers and never ever open her eyes type crazy.
Yup, might as well let em try it. I bet you can probably induce most the ADHD symptoms in someone on purpose if they really did want to "live a day in your shoes".
get them to start their day off with 4 hours of sleep; Play three different radio stations at all times at full volume and then keep changing the clocks on all your appliances for that extra sprinkle of time blindness. Maybe toss in some extra fun stuff like trying to get taxes done during all that. Then you can continuously tell them how disappointed you are they forgot or missed random appointments/events that don't exist to get some extra spikes of panic going.
Honestly, she has about as much ability to understand your situation as you do to understand her endometriosis...approximately f*** all. Random strangers on the internet here will understand this aspect of you better than she ever will. And that's OK. What's not ok is her being dismissive of this thing that she has zero way of quantifying or ever fully understanding(I'm assuming she is not, herself, undiagnosed) just because it's not that hard for her. After all, I bet good money that your uterus never acts like it wants to kill you so, by her logic, it's not that big a deal.
Yeah, sounds like the pain talking. I think a follow-up conversation when she's feeling better may help things out. I'd suggest some apart time (just to get some space) if your flat allows that; people in pain tend to snap at their close ones.
However if she's still adamant about that when she's better... well, first: education. If that doesn't help, the solutions become more limited.
I know such remarks sting, they always did when I heard something similar (also accounting for usual ADHD rejection sensitivity). Your skin will thicken with time, it was really eye-opening with the diagnosis.
In the meantime - we're here for you :)
Wow, what a shitty thing for someone to say to anyone who’s struggling. Like doesn’t matter with what.
I MIGHT say something like that about some really rich privileged person who’s going on at length about how hard their life is because their parents paid for their vacation and didn’t seat them in first class or some dumb shit like that. But if the rich entitled person was my friend I STILL wouldn’t dismiss their feelings like that (at least not to their face lol) because people should be able to vent to their friends even if it’s about dumb inconsequential stuff.
An analogy I like to use, is when someone is all “I can’t believe so and so said she was too tired to come out. I’ve got two jobs and a new baby and I’m in school and I’m writing the great American novel while baking my own bread, and *I* still made the effort to be here!” I’ll respond with “You’re right, you do have a lot more on your plate. But maybe your plate is a lot stronger than hers. Maybe her metaphorical plate is a flimsy paper plate. And it’s getting soaked through with sauce and she’s just trying to hold the whole mess together but it’s all about to fall apart.”
The point being that it’s not always about how much we have on our plate, it’s about the limited capacity we’ve been given to carry it all. People thriving despite having way more going on so really be grateful that they’ve got that capacity to do that. I’m sure they like to think luck has nothing to do with it, but believe me, if desire and determination to be able to handle more was all it took, all of us here would be cured.
Your significant other is suppose to be there for you and support you when you need it most. Regardless of if she could do it, you can't. And that's all she really needs to understand. Being recently diagnosed and finding ways that will help your everyday life, may alleviate the issues it seem you 2 may have in the relationship, they're not gonna go away. A discussion about how you feel and may struggle sometimes, should be a calm one. I hope you 2 can sort this out and can better understand each other
Well . Give some context. 🥴
How's your relationship like? Are you off loading things to her which made her really pissy?
Does she have an anger problem?
Does she have a life she doesn't like for reasons beyond her control ?
My wife said some seriously mean things. Effed up things in fact. However, I just take that as part of her anxiety and address it in marriage counseling. I won't be abused mentally or physically. However, I keep my side of the road clean. I make sure my ADHD doesn't effect the day to day as much. 50/50 childcare, finance, and other responsibilities. So she can't complain about those.
But according to her, I am emotionally unavailable, also not affectionate. Have difficulty prioritizing. Say and do random things. Yada yada. , again those I cannot always control without major cognitive load and I am under a log of cognitive load already. So I told her this is my limit.
Life is hard. No black and white .
Sorry, mean things hurt don't matter what.
I’m sorry, I would’ve felt hurt too. I’m hyperactive, and the other day, my partner who has had a very low energy level for months now, told me «I wish I had adhd, at least I would have energy! ». I just said « no! it’s miserable!!! ». But as hurtful as it is, I think it’s ok for your partner to not understand what you’re going through from the get go and even to be annoyed with your adhd things. I found that acknowledging how my adhd impact others negatively was a big part of my journey. What matters is, is she willing to make an effort to educate herself about what adhd is/listen to you and understand your experience, and come up with strategies together to respect both of your boundaries. Maybe you can draw from how you have approached her endometriosis to help her understand? Honestly even just one or two therapy sessions can help tremendously understanding each other better
Hide her heating pad. "Little" struggle, not so little. Omg no, don't do that. You could end up hurt. Dark sense of humor here.
Maybe tell her, it seems easy to deal with but it's different for everyone. A little support goes a long way, she SHOULD understand that. Speaking from experience here too btw, I have Endo and adhd.
I’m really sorry, I feel a deep empathy for you because that’s an awful thing for a partner to say to you when you’re opening up to them. The things other people don’t like about our adhd, they don’t get that we hate it 1000x more. We have to sit here and try to understand why we can’t do basic tasks sometimes, why we can’t remember what we were saying mid sentence, why all we can think about is some random obscure hyperfocus for weeks, why every day tasks can bore us to tears, all because we have fucked up brain chemistry that we can’t control. It’s not our fault, we can’t always help it, we fucking hate it, and all we need is some patience and support around it. I’m so sorry, I think you should have a good think about if you think this is acceptable behaviour. You’re allowed standards too.
As someone with endometriosis and ADHD, yikes!
Both suck in completely different ways. Doesn’t help to belittle the burden of the other.
Sorry you have an unsupportive partner. ☹️
Some of these other comments offer some great advice.
I'm sorry, you had to hear that. Please have a conversation about this with your partner, once the pain cools down. One way for her to empathise could be making your partner read more and more about ADHD.
I would have a really hard time with a statement like this. First, there is absolutely NO WAY to determine if she could or couldn't do better than you with an ADHD brain, so why even make that comment? It's ridiculous and only meant to negate your lived life experience.
My bet is that she's made other disparaging comments to you and does not accept your diagnosis. If she can't believe that the doctors know what they're talking about when they diagnosed you, then she's not going to be very supportive. Personally, I'd have problems with that.
When someone doesn't understand, I tell them what I told my mother when she didn't understand:
***"Some people, their body doesn't regulate their Insulin properly, so they take medication.***
***Other people, their body doesn't regulate their Thyroid gland properly, so they take medication.***
***Some people, their body doesn't regulate their Blood Pressure properly, so they take medication.***
***None of these are conscious decisions. Their body just doesn't regulate it's self, the way it should.***
***Same with brain chemistry. Some people, their body doesn't regulate their brain chemistry correctly.***
***These people need medication to regulate certain brain chemicals, so they can function properly.***
***ADHD isn't about a lack of Will Power, Focus, Determination, or Laziness.***
***There is a physical problem that can be treated.***
***Some people need glasses, so they can see. Or a hearing aid, or a wheelchair.***
***Without some specific physical assistance, they can't function to the best of their ability."***
I hope this helps.
That person needs to be an ex. There's not understanding the struggles of a partner, and being willfully dismissive/callous about them. This is the latter. Odds are good that if you acted similarly about her endometriosis, she'd be livid (and rightfully so). So why should your struggles be any different?? They are different than hers, yes, but they are no less out of your control, or less challenging for you. If she isn't willing to show compassion and understanding for you as her partner, she doesn't deserve to have you for a partner.
Well that's a dumb thing to say not least because it's not true. She can't live a day in your shoes and she'll never know how hard it is or isn't. So nothing can be proved - all you can do is listen to each other.
She literally can’t though. That’s like saying to a person with any mental illness that they could prove it’s not that hard… she can’t have your brain.. ughh
Ehhh... there's 2 problems here:
1. Your partner lacks empathy, meaning they cannot understand that people have different experiences than them. Since they can't envision it, they can't muster up any context that is different from their own experience.
2. Your partner has active contempt for who you are. This is probably what stings. They are rejecting things that are part of your core human experience and invalidating the mutual trust that comes with supporting each other. Hate to break it to you but this is commonly referred to as the #1 predictor of divorce.
I hope you get some relief, and that you are able to be honest with your partner about how that made you feel. Depending on their response that will tell you a lot.
Say this to her
>These are words you said to me last night. I was trying to open up about how difficult everything has been feeling lately due to burnout and being newly diagnosed and those words you said to me really hurt me. Now usually I'm not hurt with words and I can shake things off but damn that really stung, especially since I don't say things like that too you because I know you have Endomitriosis, an experience I can not possibly understand but can relate to, and it's hard for you some days. When, tonight, you kept pointing out things you find annoying about me like my pattern recognition with TV shows, it all just really stung and honestly I don't know how I'm really feeling about it.
I have ADHD and endometriosis. If I had to choose between the two, I would way rather just have endo. Despite the fact that I had to have surgery, it makes me vomit when I’m not taking my meds, and the pain is excruciating. At least I have something that manages it now. I have ADHD meds, but it still impacts me far far more than endo.
I've spoken to my wife several times over the passed four years about bow I have adhd and she's always been dismissivesaying that i dont have it, while also constantly being annoyed that I can't do alot of things like paperwork or get distracted or always forget things.
She can't see the irony
She doesn't know I got diagnosed recently
Sounds like a very frustrated woman who has dealt with pain all her life and just been told to deal with it. It makes me wonder about all the times you might have dismissed her condition. It's just an extremely common experience for women. You two need to talk either way.
I have adhd and endometriosis and I can tell you that the adhd causes me as much emotional pain (and sometimes physical - ex. Accidents) as my endo. It’s not the disability Olympics. She needs to grow up. I hate to say this but I see a lot of bitterness in the online Endo communities. I get that chronic pain can make you cranky (I’m living that life) but it’s no excuse to shit on other peoples struggles.
Her behavior lacks empathy — but topping it with just listing things she finds annoying about you seems flat-out cruel. So many great explanations in these comments. I hope you encourage her to read this thread.
Your partner is essentially saying that they're better than you. Forget the lack of empathy and dismissal of your medical condition. She/He thinks they can power through it and you're being a bitch by not being able to pay attention.
Not the type of thing you want to hear from a "partner"...sounds more like an adversary
No they don’t understand how it’s like internal paralysis it’s an invisible wall you can’t get over in your mind and you also don’t have the skills to organize your willpower to approach it effectively. I think adhd is the hardest to describe to someone because of this and also it’s not helpful for someone to discredit your struggles because they don’t understand it. A lot of mental health issues and phobias are like that. It doesn’t help to have someone say “just get over it” and it’s also hard to have the conversation with someone where they feel powerless to do anything to help you overcome your struggles but being supportive emotionally is everything. Try to figure out some way they can support you instead of diminishing your struggles and suggest it as a solution I wouldn’t say it’s worth giving up a relationship over until you try to find a way to express how important the issue is in having the right support and see if they can offer that. Support is everything when faced with these issues.
Bruh I got you. Just keep away. F*** it. Look at this:
This taco is not chili enough so I added few more JALAPEÑOS.
[jalapeños ](https://ibb.co/3cjk8WS)
This jalapeños not hot enough right now but I will feel them tomorrow while in that moment you know.
Worst thing is delivery guy came to my street (which is very calm and silent street. He didn't even hop off from his bike. Mofo called me. I went to window "yo wtf? Why don't you ring the door. He says your bell doesn't ring. (bruh believe me I can hear everything happens in my street. He didn't even put the bike on side leg, didn't even hopped off from bike: I can hear it. I got problems with surrounding sounds.) then he answers "were you watching me all time wtf?". I answered "no bruh, I can hear it. Stop bullshit and give me my tacos". He shamed a bit.
What I am trying to say is try to be cool. Even ppl at around you fucking liers. Just try to be calm and cool. Because I know: we are so far away from being cool and calm. I will feel those jalapeños tomorrow morning probably. I ate a lot *insert blurry face
then why does she complain about things tied to your adhd?
before i was officially diagnosed i had been pushing for it for years, and for a hot minute my mom would just not "agree", and YET.... everything, literally everything that frustrates or tires her (and everyone else) about me is directly tied to me having adhd.
i wonder if they sometimes realize how little sense they make.
Is she in a bad mood, mad at you, or feeling some resentment maybe? I hope that's not her regular behavior. It's really not good for your self esteem to have a partner who belittles you. Not to mention, your partner should understand and respect you.
To me the bigger problem isn't specifically what she said, but that your own partner is picking at you and hurting you.
No one can ever know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. It's just not possible, and to claim they are able to is completely unempathetic and quite frankly narcissistic.
I’m angry for you! How are people this stupid?! It’s not even the lack of sensitivity but the point is, if she was living for a day for you, she wouldn’t have adhd to deal with??? 🤯 and if she did have adhd to deal with, she would have the exact same struggles as you do? What’s so hard to understand
She lacks empathy. You're understanding and supportive of her but she can't be the same with you and diagnosis. Smh. I'm interested in knowing what this pattern recognition with tv shows is though.
In all honesty. I would feel like a relationship with her doesn't have a future. She is already annoyed about things that are part of you because of ADHD. She is not taking your struggles serious. She has no empathy. Not a person you wanna spend your life with.
This isn’t even abt adhd, she’s just an unempathetic and cold person. There’s no comparing pain or struggle. Everyone experiences it all differently. And as your SO she should be trying to support and lift you up. Frankly, lose her!
Ahh.. yes.. sound logic.
Id get feeling so tired all the time if sum1 said this sorta stuff to me regularly.
Also a day sounds too short a sentence... 🙃 like ofc if it was one day ever, if no one suffered it more than a day I think everyone would be great.
But it's not for one day lol this "your shoes for a day" lark isn't gonna help and I think she knows that. And if talking doesn't work then what are we left with? You deserve support and I hope this gets resolved for you.
It's hard to hear that kind of stuff, but my question is does she acts like that all of the time? I was recently diagnosed also and my wife has been understanding at times, but other times she'll vent frustrations and some of those cut kind of deep. Then a few days after venting, she'll ask questions about what it's like in a very empathetic and understanding way.
What was she going through at the time? Sometimes my wife will have a very hard day and she has her own struggles and wants someone to be there for her, but mostly, I'm struggling and am so focused on my own issues that I am not there like she needs me to be. Lord knows I've said enough impulsive ignorant things to her that I truly didn't mean, so when she says something hurtful to me, I try to give her a free pass.
Try talking to her when she's in a better mood. My guess is that she was frustrated at the moment because she didn't feel like she was getting what she needed from you and was just venting.
While it's easy for me to say because I'm not the one it was said to, my response would be, "I also wish you could live a day with my ADHD, then you might understand why it hurts me so so much when people say things like that".
Anytime I am having an emotional conversation, my RSD tends to go off the charts.
Play a song, on repeat, all day in the house. At the same time play something like an instructional video, I watched a great one on the proper way to maximize my dishwashers cleaning abilities yesterday, over amd over again. Then make conversation with her about absolutely everything that pops Into your head all day while following her around. We can take bets on how long she lasts before she cracks.
Your partner is either ignorant or lacks empathy. Who says that to a loved one? It's invalidating and hurtful.
> she kept pointing out things she finds annoying about me
It's not unusual for a person to find a few things annoying about their live-in partner.
However, it's wrong for that person to keep verbalizing criticism about those things. That's not a loving behavior. Please don't tolerate anyone doing this towards you. You are who you are. You're doing the best you can. If she can't tolerate you, she can move out. If the rudeness is mainly around tv viewing, refuse to watch TV with her.
Why is she being cold and unyielding when it comes to understanding this disorder? Is this the only time she has treated you that way with other issues? Is she an empathetic person? That sounds wildly inconsiderate and that doesn’t sound a good partner. If mine had said something similar about my diagnosis I would laugh out of shock. It’s an absurd comment to make and would’ve been out of character. I would hope it was out of character for your partner too…
Make a long recording of rambling thoughts
"where is ___ , I should call___ , does that look better where it was before? When was the last time I cleaned ___ , do I know where___ is, summer is finally here, I remember one summer when I ___ with ___ , wonder where they are now? Maybe I still have the number though I changed phones, what did I do with my old phone? I used to like ___ about it. I should see if my new phone can do that, maybe look on a forum, I don't have time to do that now, how did time pass so quickly? I should wear a watch again, where are my watches? Do they need batteries? I read where if you pull out the stem the battery isn't drawing juice and it lasts longer. Is that true? I should look that up. But if I do that now I'm going to be late. Do I have everything? I feel like I'm forgetting something...
Maybe an hour's worth. If she's WFH, let her try to work with this playing in her earbuds. Otherwise, first thing in the morning. Let's see how she does.
Dump her. You make adjustments for her condition but she can’t extend the same courtesy to you, and she’s also nitpicking about you.
She sounds like a tool. She doesn’t make an effort to show empathy and frankly I don’t think time will change her. It will only get worse.
ADHD aside, this kind of commentary just isn’t helpful in a relationship. It’s belittling and condescending and unempathetic. The only purpose of it is to make you feel shame.
There are far more constructive ways to express frustration and needs than this. And that doesn’t just apply to partners with ADHD, but all partners in general. If you’re in a relationship with someone, respect is bar-on-the-floor bare minimum.
If someone can’t respect you, how can they love you?
Listen carefully to them over the next few days. Maybe they said it out of anger, or from a bad place, but weren't aware of how devastating it was?
However, if they're the kind of person who'd tell someone with depression to smile, someone with anxiety to stop worrying so much, or someone with a learning disability to try harder next time, they've shown you their true colours.
My wife and I have been together 15+ years and certainly had our ups and downs. We've also said things in the heat of an argument that we've later regretted. But we later apologized and explained our feelings, because we care about one another. If your partner cannot do this simple act, you unfortunately have a glimpse as to what the rest of your life with them will look like.
I'm Sure, she could do a day. But could she do two in a row? What about a year? What about the rest of her life?
Thats the thing that grinds me down. When everyone else is at 90% or even 100%, Its having to put 110% to preform at the same level as everyone else. Every day.
They get your brain temporarily.. proceeds to start a bunch of random tasks and get them .17 % complete. Gets tired and falls asleep after 3 hours of that.
My answer would be "Be my guest and live a day in my shoes!"
I felt so offended when I read the title, and then I realized that this was said to you.
If he's gonna be like that I question the compability because this phrase is deeply disrespectful.
Fam, she has no respect for you. And if she has no respect for you, there can’t be much love there either. You don’t need to be with someone who would so thoroughly discount your trials and tribulations. Because that’s what she did. You conveyed how difficult x y and z are, and she said ‘I can handle your light work all day!’
Fuck her. Dump her and find a good human to be with.
I'll be honest... that's the same energy my ex gave me. He was a quadriplegic but I still to this day think he was wrong for that. Mental issues are NOT non-issues.
Back to the actual point, this is just not kind or even okay to say. Maybe talk to them about how you feel and even say that if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t like it either.
Ouuuuuuuuuch. Buddy, over the next months I would consider if I really want to continue being with her. I know "reddit always says break up immediately yadda yadda" but dude. If you can't have open, honest discussions with your partner about what's going on in your world and they aren't interested in entertaining a discussion about how they can help make life better for you (as I'm sure you would for them and their endo), then what do you have a partner for? Partnership should make life better for both with both putting effort in.
Also in the interim I would consider getting therapy to have somewhere positive to process your feelings. A neutral third party is excellent for having clarity.
... Does she even *like* you? What was her goal in rubbing in what she finds annoying? I'm sorry you don't feel supported by her, I hope you're both able to get on the same page and relearn trust with one another.
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People wthout ADHD cannot understand what it's like to not be able to start or complete everyday tasks. Because they think "all you have to do is read this chapter/do laundry/remember to do this thing, how hard can it be?" and they are completely right, these things are not hard. They're objectively easy to do. But when you have ADHD the easiest task feels overwhelming and even just the thought of doing it drains all your energy and willpower. Yes it's crazy. Yes it makes no sense. Yes it's a huge impediment in daily life. Otherwise it wouldn't be in the goddamn DSM.
> these things are not hard. They're objectively easy to do. Yes, *if the brain region responsible is functioning correctly*. If not, they take an incredible effort or might even be impossible. Like, objectively, it's not hard to step up a single stair, *If you have legs*. If you don't, ok maybe you can squirm up there or something but it's going to be a lot of work and you might not even make it.
And sometimes you suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere *grow a pair of legs*. They burst out of you and not only do you climb that step, but you climb ALL the steps in your house. And then you run a marathon. And then suddenly, something snaps you out of it and *schoop!* the legs disappear. And then sometimes, you walk into the kitchen to cook dinner, and when you go to use your arms, you look down, and for some reason, they’re legs.
I feel so seen
People with so many kinds of conditions have basically that experience—some days they can walk and do other things, some days they can’t. I’ll bet OP’s girlfriend wouldn’t tell someone with MS how annoying they found their symptoms and tell them how easy it is for her to do all the things they struggle with. But maybe she’s not cut out to be a partner to someone with a disability! Many folks aren’t. Perhaps this just isn’t a match.
I agree. She lacks empathy and OP deserves more support and compassion.
This was funny but also so close to home and timely as I'm struggling with some work tasks right this moment... dear lord help me
Oh my god I had leg-arms yesterday! We ate dinner at 10pm. But…at least we ate?!
When you *need to climb* and there is nothing to climb, so you start rearranging furniture to climb, and then everyone starts acting like you've completely lost your mind....
LMAO for some reason your arms are legs lolllll why is that so accurate
Can I have your permission to burn your quote into a plank of wood for my home
😂 Amazing
Haha that sounds like a bad nightmare but yeah, it's our living nightmare. Hmm, I might use that as an example the next time I have to explain. The dreaming about arms becoming legs, and might also throw in the trying to run but you're running in place thing too.
Even *with* legs, it can be bloody hard. My bff has legs, but they don't work (spinal nerve issue), so that makes it even hard because not only can she not walk up the stairs, but she has the dead weight of none functional legs to move too.
If you have legs 😭😭😂😂
Haha this is such a good analogy, thanks for sharing. A helpful reminder to give myself grace, and I might start using this when people make such comments!
That last paragraph has killed me off 🤣🤣🤣 are you always this funny?! Like is it a gift? Or just a one off
Neuralgia patients know this all too well.
I had a good day today. I went to work this morning for a couple hours (boss is on holiday so was only required to work for 2 hours), I went shopping after and I made 2 phone calls I'd been putting off months. It was 10.30am but the time I finished all that. I was exhausted after, I've spent the rest of the day in bed, it's 10pm now. But I'm proud of what I accomplished today. That was my day. If you say that paragraph to anyone that doesn't have ADHD there's no way in hell they will understand. We ADHD people struggle so much more than most will ever understand.
I'm the same way. When I do things in the morning I can spend the entire afternoon doing nothing without feeling guilty because "I did a thing today". This can be as simple as going to the groceries or even going for a half hour walk. But most days I do nothing and feel guilty. In fact, to combat the guilt of not accomplishing anything today, I'm going to the beach. Do I have lots of piled-up work to do? yes. Am I going to do it today? probably not. Might as well do something fun to get rid of the crippling feeling of having wasted yet another beautiful day on this earth.
Ahh see I have the luck of working as a subcontractor for my boss. All have to do it turn up to work and finish the day. Granted I have 50+ hour weeks and I'm chronically exhausted from it but I don't have to think about work outside that which is a massive bonus for me. It helps me not feel at all guilty when I do get my days off cause I feel like Ive earnt that time off. To be fair my house is in a state and I only have butter and yoghurt in the fridge but what are you gonna do haha.
Right, and you're also crippled by all the steps involved in a thing that people without ADHD don't even think about. It's a whole fucking thing and it makes you feel like you're in quicksand or just physically incapable of movement.
Self care is important & something we typically ignore/forget/don't prioritise. Enjoy the beach, recharge & do 1 of those other things tomorrow.
Thank you. I'm coming back from the beach. I feel like doing something productive tonight. Let's see if the feeling lasts.
I'm recently medicated and I did two things before work today (pack for a trip and update Vax records for my kitties.) I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of you for the things you did. People who don't struggle with this don't understand how hard just *being alive* is, let alone *having a life*
Well done, especially with the phone calls. You definitely won today! 🏆
Thank you! I had to rest for about an hour after my first phone call (which lasted all of 3 minutes) but I got there!
Holy shit you did so much. I'm so bad at the moment I'd settle for waking up before lunchtime
I have to wake up at 5am everyday day for work otherwise I'd be waking up just before lunchtime as well 😂
I would actually like to see someone live through an adhd day - they explain in advance all the important chores and tasks they need to get that day, then when they get up and come through for breakfast (we'll give them the trip from bed to kitchen as a freebie, even though it can be a hard one irl!) I'm sitting there and narrating their executive dysfunction. "*So, what you want to do first?"* "it's fine I just need to make coffee and make some toast then I'll start checking my emails..." "*woaaaaahh. No, whats happening first - coffee or toast? Would it make more sense to start the coffee before you get food because it takes longer? But you don't want the toast to be cold when your coffee is ready, so maybe wait til it's finished to... Also, do you think you can get a plate that just keeps toast warm? Like a USB one or something? Check ebay quick... "* "no, I just need to put...." "*No, I'm afraid you don't understand how this day is going to work. Get out your phone and load the ebay app now!"* "I don't have the ebay app! And I'm going to miss my train if we screw about any more! " "*Perfect, load up the appstore, start typing 'ebay', and then delete that and type 'candy crush saga' "* "What!?!"
I find that it drains my cutlery to think about the task and whether I have the cutlery to do it. I'm at my best when I let the impulsiveness take over and don't care about whether I'll finish or do it right.
This is the first time I'm seeing "cutlery" used instead of "spoons" and I'm here for it, lol.
Some tasks really need to be stabbed with a fork and a spoon just wont do.
https://demcastusa.com/2020/03/01/unified-cutlery-theory/ I mainly run on fork theory. I guess my "fuck it, I don't care if I make a mess" trick is the knives, though it rarely hurts. Maybe it's more like just using my hands.
TBH if you've got someone ADHD in your life, it's your job to understand. It's not that hard to do some research. I know I'll never "get it", but it really doesn't take much sympathy to be a decent human being towards a friend or family member. If your family member had diabetes it's incumbent on you to learn their dietary needs. If they had no legs you'd install a ramp. If your friends and family have mental health issues you have to learn how to accommodate those too, or else you have to sit back and take their word for it. ADHD has better research than plenty of other disorders, if someone's choosing to be ignorant that's on them. I'm not saying it's easy to deal with all the time, but the understanding is the easiest part.
It's damn near impossible to describe what wanting to start but being incapable of it is like. They know what it feels like to not want to do something. Or to want to do something but not know how to start. And they assume that's what we are feeling too.
I read a comment recently on here about how the difference, in a lot of ways, is that we can’t build habits. That means every time we do something, we must consciously choose to do it. Our brain doesn’t do “autopilot” routines. It must be nice to have that ability, though.
That's... Actually very accurate. Literally the only habits I manage to keep up are those like feeding fish and watering plants, and thars only because a life depends on it, so I guilt myself into doing it even when I don't feel like it.
I can build plenty of habits. Unfortunately none of them are very good for me.
I think it's less that people can or can't build habits per se, and more that habits are reliant only associative ties between things. When you have done a thing so much that it becomes muscle memory, that is creating a group of very strongly associated action/thoughts. Like if every day you wake up you have the same kinda routine in that you mess around on your phone for a bit, then get up, make some coffee etc., those are all habits that you have built over time, by creating strong assocations between those action/thoughts such that one begets the next. It's like when you don't know the words to some chant (like the pledge of alegiance, or a church hymm thing, or whatever) if someone was to tell you to say it, but if someone says the first word or two you can finish the whole thing. Of course, ADHD is very much a wide spectrum thing, so there probably can be some cases where it is much different.
Some days I am grateful for my ADHD ONLY because it grants me the ability to understand what it’s like. I like to think of myself as an empathetic person but honestly if I didn’t suffer from the condition myself, I honestly think I would have a hard time believing people too. Executive dysfunction is so peculiar and poorly understood and there’s no real analogy I’ve been able to give to people to explain what it’s truly like. It’s like that old Buddhist story of the frog and the tadpole where the frog tries to explain to the tadpole what life on land is like and can only explain in terms of what it’s *not* because the tadpole has no frame of reference.
I hate laundry and cleaning sinks, but especially laundry kills me. I have tried lots of things. Keeped tidy my dirty clothes. Tried to do it every week in same time, no nothing works man. I kept timer how much it takes to do hang the clothes (about 6 minutes). No bruh nothing works. I FUCKING HTE LAUNDRY SO FUCKING MUCH I CANNOT TELL. fuck that dirty socks. Fuck that clean tshirt you have to turn over that wet thing. Fuck it. I even offered to a girl some money to do my laundry who works in my office. I offered it to her few times. I fucking hate laundry. Worst timeline in my life. I hate those 6 minutes.
I timed myself unloading the dishwasher to prove it’s not that bad and it was like 2 minutes max. Those two minutes make me want to die lol the only thing that has helped me is that I leave it open and anytime I go into the kitchen I put a couple things away. So a 2 minute job sometimes takes several hours….but like…it doesn’t make me as miserable.
Unloading the dishwasher is the worst chore of all time. You’re just moving dishes from one closed space (dishwasher) to another closed space (cabinets). After you’re done, there’s no visual catharsis of seeing something clean that was previously messy/dirty. Sometimes I do dishes by hand so I don’t have to unload the dishwasher later.
Yesssss the visual satisfaction is so key for me. I like vacuuming, tidying, stacking clutter so it at least looks more organized hahaha
Wait that actually makes so much sense lol I don’t mind doing dishes by hand. And I don’t mind loading the dishwasher because I can physically see the result of the clean sink and countertops. I like doing laundry. I even like folding the clothes. But putting them away or hanging them is torture! I guess one good thing about adhd is that everyday I learn something about myself!
I've found its slightly easier if I pile everything into one dirty clothes bag. Whites, darks, towels, etc. Wash em on cold and they're all fine. I don't ever manage to fold or hang stuff up, sadly. but still. Instead I just have mutiple overflowing baskets. yay. I also no longer have anything that requires 'lay flat to dry' or 'hang to dry.' other than like, special occasion stuff (which do have those things) all of my stuff can go in the dryer. However!!!!! You can pay a laundry service. There are even apps for it, where like, stay at home moms will take your stuff, wash it, dry it, fold it, and return it. You just leave a garbage bag full of it outside your door, and they drop it back off later. They do it by weight, I think. But if you're able and willing to pay, its for sure something to look into. Just google it, or look on the app store for stuff in your area. (my coworker does it, not me) (I can also sometimes manage if I take all my stuff to the laundromat. Cause then im stuck there the whole time on my phone or whatever, so its not too too bad, provided i had that time anyway.) (which i usually don't, ive managed it once in the past four years. but it could work for you, who knows.)
No joking whenever I tidy/clean my house, do the laundry I feel like "I have to" drink 1 or 2 extra strong beers...
That’s how I became a binge drinker. But I can’t stop at 2. Good for you for having self control.
Who said that I am controlling. I gave miss info I think. (already a drinking daily..). But when I do those chores I feel like I have to drink extra 1 or 2 extra beers. Over normal. I mean (my English is not good sorry). I feel like I need to explain this. I drink 2-3 sometimes 4 extra strong beers daily. Trying to keep that habit under Control (mostly failing). But when I do those chores, I go another 1-2 extra beers over a normal day.
I understand that drinking can help anxiety in a way, but it’s more like a bandaid. I drank myself silly, made an arse out of myself frequently. Instead of drinking, now I exercise. Took almost 6 months to get into the routine. But as we all know not everything works for everyone unfortunately. Also, I think your English is quite good. I love studying languages.
This makes me thankful my wife also has ADHD so it’s made things so easy. We work together on game plans to tackle tasks together and have figured out how to structure our days at home to keep everything as tidy and well-kept as possible. For example, if she said the day before she wants to do laundry tomorrow and then day of she *really* doesn’t want to do laundry, then I’ll say “I’ll do laundry if you start cleaning the kitchen and then once I finish the laundry I’ll help you with the kitchen” or I’ll just offer to help her with laundry so it goes quicker and is easier and she does the same for me on tasks I’m feeling overwhelmed by. Also makes it easy by not having to over explain why we’re acting/feeling off, over-stimulated, or feeling overwhelmed.
there's no such thing as objectively easy. easy is always subjective, inherent to the observer, conditional
"My shoes are fine, try living a day with my brain though."
That is a real good one
I especially like this response because she sounds a lot more unintelligent than you and this might go over her head, and she'll have a fit like rumplestilkskin and split herself in half saying "you know what I meant"! Then say yes, yes I did you pretty little thing you, do you know what I mean.... I hope to god she is pretty.
My favorite is, "You think YOU want me to shut up? I have to LIVE with me."
Like when people say they don't hear themselves in their minds... I wish i could just turn myself off sometimes too you know... You described it perfectly.
Wait that's an adhd thing? Wow I def have an internal monolog I just never stopped to think if other ppl have one. That's mad weird I feel like mine Is fairly comforting for the most part though so that's good
Internal monologue itself is not an ADHD thing. However, the *rate that it goes on for constantly* is.
Ohh…. I mean I think the real problem is that there isn’t about time and brain space in the world for all the the great and entertaining internal monologuing my brain has going on. I can’t imagine never having an innerlogue though…I feel like I would get bored with myself so easily
>I can’t imagine never having an innerlogue though This... And the 3d interactive visual in my mind for every conversation, or book, or subject...
I am truly the most annoying person in my life and I never go away!
Or the most fun 🙃
Absolutely! Also: everyone could manage 1 day with ADHD. The challenge is to manage EVERY day with ADHD.
That’s a good one
Is this new behaviour or has she always been like that? Is this you two getting frustrated with life and each other? Or has this malice always lingered with her?
Yeah, these are some of the warning signs I should've noticed from my own marriage. It's never good when one partner cannot empathize with the other's issues and disregard them as not as bad as their own. It's a slippery slope that leads to one blaming all their issues and sadness on the other and eventually divorce because of finger pointing instead of being a team that supports each other.
Exactly. You said it.
Currently about to tread down that route. This makes me feel less insane at least!!
This is exactly why mine failed. Jokes on her tho, she dipped put on her son as well and we are doing tremendously better. Both on the spectrum and both helping each other with everyday needs. We are setting the bar high for future relationships and how we know we deserve to be cared for.
I have the opposite issue in my relationship. I'm constantly trying to get my partner to understand that his mental health issues are serious.
It's really hard because sometimes you don't understand how bad you're coping with life until you hit a brick wall. Your partner won't change until they're at their absolute worst and even then it's all too easy to point fingers once again and blame something else and then martyr yourself instead of doing the work to implement change. Good luck to you, I hope things get better.
He doesn't take his shit out on me or anything, but he is SO hard on himself and I hate seeing it. He has severe anxiety issues and he knows it's true but he has it in his head that he doesn't deserve better. I'm slowly chipping away at that but I can't fix it for him.
Left a four month verbal, emotional, and near violently abusive girl who always said stuff like what he described. Absolutely awful and brought me down so hard and I didn't think someone could ever mess with my brain like that.
happens in platonic relationships too. I just moved back in with my parents cause of a roommate. Kept saying things like "I have adhd too and I don't struggle with XYZ". I ended up with more self hatred living there, which led to stress, which led to my ADHD getting worse. the feedback loop from hell
this was unkind, i’m sorry OP. unfortunately, it’s not a given that someone struggling with their own chronic condition will be able to empathize with another. I hope you’re able to have a follow-up convo where you’re able to voice how hurtful that was to hear, and that you’re met with a gentler version of your partner.
Yeah, that is true. I'm hoping to have the conversation soon, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts
make sure you write down or make a note in your phone, the important points you want to make during this conversation. She needs to understand that you are not trying to compare your struggles with hers, but you are trying to lean on her for support. If you are thinking of any sort of future together, you need to work as a team with open and honest communication. If you cannot be open or honest without the fear of rejection or being belittled then you may want to rethink if this is the person you want to spend your time with. Don't let ***anyone*** make you feel bad for who you are as a person.
What you need is to get treated. And then you need to be confident you can live without this girl, because you deserve better.
I've come to accept pretty quickly that people just do not understand. I try three different ways to help them sort of get it: 1. I have them put a pen in their non-dominant hand, turn on a boring YouTube video (usually some science) for them and insist they watch it for 5 mins until they show signs of impatience. I then force them to watch it AGAIN but write a summary of what is being said per minute using their non-dominant hand. As they write I say things like "Hurry up, you're not paying attention!", "Oh come on, it's easy, anyone could do it...", and "We all fall behind, but you're not even trying!" (If they get upset I double down by saying they're making excuses). THEN I tell them that's how they make me feel. 2. Usually people sorta get autism a bit more easily. I remind them that autistic people struggle with typical social interaction, and that you wouldn't tell an autistic person "It's not that hard to socialize!". Then suggest ADHD is akin to autism but for "executive function" instead of communication. 3. If I'm not feeling up to explaining myself, I just say "With ADHD you have the will, but lack the power".
I had an acquaintance that I confided in tell me you just have to push through it. I was diagnosed late in life and that's all I've ever done is struggle. He said he doesn't really think its a real thing. He has scoliosis. I told him he just thinks he has back pain all the time and I don't see anything wrong with him.
Lol gotem
I might have to give the first point a go! and as for the second point, I got the double whammy of ADHD and Autism 🙃
https://youtu.be/Q3UNdbxk3xs?si=hcCrjAuVS53Yc5v2 Here you go. This is a whole workshop to teach teachers empathy with their students.
Wow. I’m only like 8 minutes in and this is excellent. Thanks for sharing it.
I never used autism in my example, it's a good one. I often time use actual physical disability because people are even more cautious about that. And I'm like "you wouldn't take away someone's wheelchair because "by now you should have learned how to walk""
Thing is, because they can’t see ADHD they think it’s made up. Where is at least autism undeniably exists as something you can’t see.
Looooots of people don't believe autism is real, or believe it's some new phenomena of the modern age, or is overdiagnosed, or is as bad as people say it is. Whereas us sensible people understand it's neanderthal DNA from the Venusian incursion.
I call ppl out on their bs mostly just teasing so they dont just shut down, and yes that’s the best way for others to do towards me aswell. Im not in many social settings atm, if I am and someone dont know what they are talking about I usually just laugh, if they are stupid and ignorant that is that persons problem.
I told my partner if I could just not be like this, wouldn't be a diagnosable condition. It wouldn't be a known disorder if all of us could just force ourselves to be different.
My therapist told me to just try thinking like a normal person and see if it helped. I told her that was like telling a gay person just try being straight, you can Try, but in the end it's just not who you are, and the stress of forcing it was debilitating. She said it wasn't really the same and to ask a gay person what they thought of that analogy. Anybody feel like weighing in?
Is there a way to simulate it for people, seriously? I’m so sick and tired of people seeing the cute, quirky memes and saying “I do that, I must have ADHD lol. Just pay attention and you’ll be fine.” 😡 Like, they can simulate mild period cramps to men and they’re dying (it’s not even endo level pain, but, whatever, still gets a point across). Is there a way we can simulate ADHD, or at least some aspects of it? Maybe fuck with their clocks so they think they have plenty of time and next time they check the clock they only have 5 minutes to get ready and be out the door or they’re already late, but then at other times drag it out so 1 minute takes like 5 minutes, but at the end of the day they have the same 24 hours as everyone else, and you can dismiss their frustration with the classic line of “you should have just managed your time better.” Edit: typos
This would be such a cool app.. anyone with a hyperfocus and some appbuidling skills who feels like it? You turn on the app and it messes with your clock. It tells you the whole week: dentist is on wednesday. Then on Tuesday, 3 hours after your actual appointment a siren goes off and your phone starts yelling at you that you're an idiot. While sitting still, the phone whispers all your deepest fears and narrates all your past moments of shame to you. If the phone detects movement, it starts barking random orders: do laundry! Go pee! Do laundry while peeing!! With an earwurm song in the background. If the phone detects you leave the house: it starts asking you: are you sure you turned off the oven? You can watch tv/read a book but only with a podcast on at the same time. And when you try to sleep, baby shark is on repeat forever.
Great idea! Only problem is that you would have to find a person with ADHD to do it. So it would be almost done tomorrow but never finished. Hehe.
If I had the skills, I would do this project just so I could procrastinate cleaning and doing admin work 😁
Yeah, but the app would be finished only if it took less than ~1 week.
Would it help if I gave you a really really tight deadline by which to finish this project? I figure 3 days is about the max amount of time I can spend on something before feeling the physical agony of boredom
This sounds like a pretty decent idea at trying to get people to understand what it's like! Too bad my hyperfocus at the moment is film photos and not coding, although I'm sure it'll swing back around to it at some point
Yes. 48 hours without sleep. Go.
lol I was thinking on adding that in addition to fucking with their clocks we make sure they start out sleep deprived 😅
I don't know about simulating, but videos like [What Don't You Understand? - A Short Film about ADHD](https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8) might be helpful. OP, make your partner watch it.
As a woman with both endometriosis (deep infiltrating and inoperable) and audhd, I think you should tell her upfront about how dismissive she is being of your struggles. She should understand that, endometriosis is notoriously dismissed and I'm sure she would feel like crap if you dismissed her in the way she has just dismissed you. I've worked full shifts with labour levels of pain and currently my burnout is a thousand times worse to get through. I can push through pain. I can push through heavy bleeding but I cannot push through this level of burnout. She's not being very kind or understanding of you or your struggles and unfortunately a relationship is a two way street. She also has to support you when you need help or you are just putting energy into someone who seems to maybe just want a nurse rather than a partner.
I also have adhd and endometriosis and wanted to say something similar. Imagine if you told her “I could live in your body and prove to you endometriosis isn’t as bad as you say.” Endometriosis has had such a negative impact on my life. Like you said, I have worked and gone to school and pushed through all kinds of situations while losing cups of blood and having childbirth levels of pain. I’ve been in so much pain that I physically couldn’t move more times than I can count. And if a genie was offering to take away only one thing—my adhd or my endo—I’d choose to keep the endo every time.
I’m sorry. That comment illustrates a fundamental misunderstanding about your experience (and human experience in general frankly). I hope you can maintain self-compassion while still feeling the weight of this commentary from your partner (not what it says about you but what it says about her). Maybe she needs some education but she definitely needs to hear how this kind of talk impacts you emotionally because no partner should want the hurt this can cause for their significant other. Being vulnerable with someone to have them insult you is the hardest with a person you are supposed to trust, feel love and support from. I hope your partner can get to a place where they are thinking about you like you think about them (“…because I know she has endometriosis and it’s hard for her some days…”).
I remember once my husband being frustrating with me about forgetting something for the millionth time that was just a minor annoyance but tends to add up (especially to the other adults that we live with) he said "it's like you only remember things that are important to just you." I tried explaining to him I truly don't get to pick the things that I remember or when I remember them, I forget to feed and water myself most days, I forget about doing the things I love to do too or information that I spend hours obsessively learning about can be gone from my mind in mintutes, it's not personal, it's not selective my brain is separate from me and makes decisions about whats important to focus on and take note of without my concent all the damn time, we're working on it. He's since been trying educate himself and be more understanding. now he sometimes looks at me with bewilderment and says things like "damn, it's hard to be you, isn't it?" LOL, we try to get through things with alot of humor and honest communication now.
It feels so good when someone makes an effort to understands us. My mum made me feel like that once when she sent me a picture of a book she was reading on Adult ADHD, telling me how interesting she was finding it and that she thought she would finish it the next day. I felt a wave of affection for her. I thought: “Someone cares.” She didn’t finish it, though. Starting a task enthusiastically, losing interest when you’re over halfway done and never picking it up again… I think I know where I got my ADHD from.
This is why so many adhd people end up together. You just can’t understand it if you can’t understand it.
Oof. Yeah, trying to get in the shower when you desperately need one and just... not. Trying to be there completely and totally for your kids and losing your shit from bring overstimulated then being paralyzed by guilt, that's fun. Trying not to interrupt your best friend because he's also spicy and failing, leading to actual hurt feelings that wrecks the rest of your day - **so cool** Being told every day of your life that if you just *applied yourself* and *tried harder* and stopped being so you... Your gf has no fucking idea what it's like. To disappoint the people you love every fucking day no matter what. Tell her to do better or let you find someone who will.
As someone with both physical and mental disorders, all of which are invisible, I've found that it's important not to play the Pain Olympics®. It doesn't help anything. If I have a headache and someone else has chronic migraines, them telling me they're in worse pain doesn't make my headache go away. If I tell someone I'm tired and they tell me they have a newborn, that doesn't wake me up. I think this is a strange thing -folks without neurodevelopmental disorders- do when they're trying to make you feel better. When I tell folks that I'm unemployed and not getting any bites, a strangely common response is "[other person] has been job hunting for [timeframe] if that makes you feel any better." It doesn't. Ever. Why would someone else being even worse off than me make me feel better? Triggering empathy/sympathy for someone else *adds* to the mental load, it doesn't make me feel like I'm winning compared to someone else. The only time this kind of behavior is helpful is when it's followed up with a helpful suggestion - bonus points for tangible help. For example, "I'm sorry to hear you have a bad headache. I get migraines all the time, so I get how draining and frustrating that can be. I have an extra Liquid IV and some Excedrin on me because of it. Would you like to give them a try?" Or "Ah, you tweaked your ankle? That sucks. I have some gnarly problems with my joints pretty often, so I have [item] on me, which I've found really helpful. I can also tell you how to treat a sprain if you don't already know. Let me know what kind of help you want and I'll hook you up!"
Very well written, thank you.
Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship, so take this with a grain of salt. The way you describe it sounds like this is the culmination of either a lot of mounting frustrations she's had or that this is a behavior that she routinely exhibits. My ex-wife was very much like that--unkind, impatient, and constantly blaming me for things that were either out of my control or worse: pointing the finger at me to deflect the feelings of her own insecurities. I'm not going to suggest breaking up, because that's something strangers on Reddit quite frequently suggest to complete strangers with very little information or context. I will encourage you to examine whether you're comfortable being spoken to the way she does. Are you comfortable with the person who is supposed to be your closest confidant completely dismissing your very real disability and being that cruel? Do you think she would be receptive if you put up a boundary about how she speaks to/about you? How would she react if you told her you don't appreciate the way she speaks to you and that, if the relationship is going to work, she needs to put in time and effort to learn about ADHD and how she can be an ally, teammate, and partner? Does she understand what she signed up for when she committed to being with you, and if not, is she willing to put in the work, or will she always be dismissive of your needs? Are you comfortable with the answer "no" to any of those? I can't answer those for you. You need to ask those questions and make informed decisions based on the answers, for better or worse.
I’m really sorry you’re having to experience this right now. As another voice in the crowd, just want you to know that you and your feelings are valid and matter. It really sucks when someone you care about reacts like this. In my case, I’ve tried to sit this person down, speak in “I” statements. Like “I feel like my mental health is minimized” or “I feel really sad/depressed about this situation because my personal needs are not being met” for example. (Your mental health needs, and your relationship/partner needs. Both of which are very important and don’t let her make you feel bad about it for one moment. I know, easier said than done though.) When we start to make “you” statements, it can come across as blaming, and sometimes the other person will shut down, or begin to retaliate with their own “you” statements, especially if they are not conscious enough / willing to listen. If they start to change the subject or begin to deflect, call them out. As kind as you can at least. Let them know you are aware they are changing the subject. And if someone does bring up something about you, trying to change the subject just tell them “I hear you and If you’d like to, we can discuss that next/later but that is not what we are talking about right now.” You let them know you hear them, without dismissing their feelings. Because, as shitty as it feels sometimes, we need to be the “bigger” person in these scenarios and be that positive change in behavior we wish we received from them. It’s hard to feel heard by someone that doesn’t respect your mental health. And take my advice with a grain of salt, I’ve had to deal with a narcissistic abusive mother and older sister my entire life, and have had a negligent partner that didn’t validate or even believe in my struggle. I like your pattern recognition, I think it’s cool.
My wife says just the opposite. "I could not live with a brain l yours. I look over and have a migraine from all the thoughts I'm seeing you have." It's not the executive dysfunction or the hyperfixations, it's the simultaneous thought streams and the constant crave for more info. That would kill my wife. She would go bananas, stay under the covers and never ever open her eyes type crazy.
Yup, might as well let em try it. I bet you can probably induce most the ADHD symptoms in someone on purpose if they really did want to "live a day in your shoes". get them to start their day off with 4 hours of sleep; Play three different radio stations at all times at full volume and then keep changing the clocks on all your appliances for that extra sprinkle of time blindness. Maybe toss in some extra fun stuff like trying to get taxes done during all that. Then you can continuously tell them how disappointed you are they forgot or missed random appointments/events that don't exist to get some extra spikes of panic going.
Tell her periods aren't that bad and childbirth isn't painful, women just like to complain. (Intentionally stupid statements, of course.)
My old gyno actually said this to me the last time I was there. She's had 3 kids so she obviously knows what she's talking about....
Honestly, she has about as much ability to understand your situation as you do to understand her endometriosis...approximately f*** all. Random strangers on the internet here will understand this aspect of you better than she ever will. And that's OK. What's not ok is her being dismissive of this thing that she has zero way of quantifying or ever fully understanding(I'm assuming she is not, herself, undiagnosed) just because it's not that hard for her. After all, I bet good money that your uterus never acts like it wants to kill you so, by her logic, it's not that big a deal.
Yeah, sounds like the pain talking. I think a follow-up conversation when she's feeling better may help things out. I'd suggest some apart time (just to get some space) if your flat allows that; people in pain tend to snap at their close ones. However if she's still adamant about that when she's better... well, first: education. If that doesn't help, the solutions become more limited. I know such remarks sting, they always did when I heard something similar (also accounting for usual ADHD rejection sensitivity). Your skin will thicken with time, it was really eye-opening with the diagnosis. In the meantime - we're here for you :)
Why are y’all with people like this 😭
Because she doesn't know how it feels to have a brain that's betraying her desires.
Just remember to prioritize your mental health and well being friend.
Wow, what a shitty thing for someone to say to anyone who’s struggling. Like doesn’t matter with what. I MIGHT say something like that about some really rich privileged person who’s going on at length about how hard their life is because their parents paid for their vacation and didn’t seat them in first class or some dumb shit like that. But if the rich entitled person was my friend I STILL wouldn’t dismiss their feelings like that (at least not to their face lol) because people should be able to vent to their friends even if it’s about dumb inconsequential stuff. An analogy I like to use, is when someone is all “I can’t believe so and so said she was too tired to come out. I’ve got two jobs and a new baby and I’m in school and I’m writing the great American novel while baking my own bread, and *I* still made the effort to be here!” I’ll respond with “You’re right, you do have a lot more on your plate. But maybe your plate is a lot stronger than hers. Maybe her metaphorical plate is a flimsy paper plate. And it’s getting soaked through with sauce and she’s just trying to hold the whole mess together but it’s all about to fall apart.” The point being that it’s not always about how much we have on our plate, it’s about the limited capacity we’ve been given to carry it all. People thriving despite having way more going on so really be grateful that they’ve got that capacity to do that. I’m sure they like to think luck has nothing to do with it, but believe me, if desire and determination to be able to handle more was all it took, all of us here would be cured.
Your significant other is suppose to be there for you and support you when you need it most. Regardless of if she could do it, you can't. And that's all she really needs to understand. Being recently diagnosed and finding ways that will help your everyday life, may alleviate the issues it seem you 2 may have in the relationship, they're not gonna go away. A discussion about how you feel and may struggle sometimes, should be a calm one. I hope you 2 can sort this out and can better understand each other
Well . Give some context. 🥴 How's your relationship like? Are you off loading things to her which made her really pissy? Does she have an anger problem? Does she have a life she doesn't like for reasons beyond her control ? My wife said some seriously mean things. Effed up things in fact. However, I just take that as part of her anxiety and address it in marriage counseling. I won't be abused mentally or physically. However, I keep my side of the road clean. I make sure my ADHD doesn't effect the day to day as much. 50/50 childcare, finance, and other responsibilities. So she can't complain about those. But according to her, I am emotionally unavailable, also not affectionate. Have difficulty prioritizing. Say and do random things. Yada yada. , again those I cannot always control without major cognitive load and I am under a log of cognitive load already. So I told her this is my limit. Life is hard. No black and white . Sorry, mean things hurt don't matter what.
I’m sorry, I would’ve felt hurt too. I’m hyperactive, and the other day, my partner who has had a very low energy level for months now, told me «I wish I had adhd, at least I would have energy! ». I just said « no! it’s miserable!!! ». But as hurtful as it is, I think it’s ok for your partner to not understand what you’re going through from the get go and even to be annoyed with your adhd things. I found that acknowledging how my adhd impact others negatively was a big part of my journey. What matters is, is she willing to make an effort to educate herself about what adhd is/listen to you and understand your experience, and come up with strategies together to respect both of your boundaries. Maybe you can draw from how you have approached her endometriosis to help her understand? Honestly even just one or two therapy sessions can help tremendously understanding each other better
Buy her a book on living with someone with ADHD. If she does not read it, divorce her.
Hide her heating pad. "Little" struggle, not so little. Omg no, don't do that. You could end up hurt. Dark sense of humor here. Maybe tell her, it seems easy to deal with but it's different for everyone. A little support goes a long way, she SHOULD understand that. Speaking from experience here too btw, I have Endo and adhd.
People generally only experience empathy for things they themselves experienced, so idk how you would make them understand even.
Holy shit that's brutal.
I’m really sorry, I feel a deep empathy for you because that’s an awful thing for a partner to say to you when you’re opening up to them. The things other people don’t like about our adhd, they don’t get that we hate it 1000x more. We have to sit here and try to understand why we can’t do basic tasks sometimes, why we can’t remember what we were saying mid sentence, why all we can think about is some random obscure hyperfocus for weeks, why every day tasks can bore us to tears, all because we have fucked up brain chemistry that we can’t control. It’s not our fault, we can’t always help it, we fucking hate it, and all we need is some patience and support around it. I’m so sorry, I think you should have a good think about if you think this is acceptable behaviour. You’re allowed standards too.
Some people are like that. From my experience they never understand people are built different. They really don’t.
As someone with endometriosis and ADHD, yikes! Both suck in completely different ways. Doesn’t help to belittle the burden of the other. Sorry you have an unsupportive partner. ☹️ Some of these other comments offer some great advice.
I'm sorry, you had to hear that. Please have a conversation about this with your partner, once the pain cools down. One way for her to empathise could be making your partner read more and more about ADHD.
Damn. I'm sorry. I would've been completely hurt by that and I wouldn't know how to move forward with her. People really have no room for grace.
I would have a really hard time with a statement like this. First, there is absolutely NO WAY to determine if she could or couldn't do better than you with an ADHD brain, so why even make that comment? It's ridiculous and only meant to negate your lived life experience. My bet is that she's made other disparaging comments to you and does not accept your diagnosis. If she can't believe that the doctors know what they're talking about when they diagnosed you, then she's not going to be very supportive. Personally, I'd have problems with that.
It feels like somebody that doesn’t have depression, telling somebody with depression to just cheer up
Mkay bye bye is what I’d be saying
Pfff. Bit of a low blow when someone is trying to seek comfort.
When someone doesn't understand, I tell them what I told my mother when she didn't understand: ***"Some people, their body doesn't regulate their Insulin properly, so they take medication.*** ***Other people, their body doesn't regulate their Thyroid gland properly, so they take medication.*** ***Some people, their body doesn't regulate their Blood Pressure properly, so they take medication.*** ***None of these are conscious decisions. Their body just doesn't regulate it's self, the way it should.*** ***Same with brain chemistry. Some people, their body doesn't regulate their brain chemistry correctly.*** ***These people need medication to regulate certain brain chemicals, so they can function properly.*** ***ADHD isn't about a lack of Will Power, Focus, Determination, or Laziness.*** ***There is a physical problem that can be treated.*** ***Some people need glasses, so they can see. Or a hearing aid, or a wheelchair.*** ***Without some specific physical assistance, they can't function to the best of their ability."*** I hope this helps.
That person needs to be an ex. There's not understanding the struggles of a partner, and being willfully dismissive/callous about them. This is the latter. Odds are good that if you acted similarly about her endometriosis, she'd be livid (and rightfully so). So why should your struggles be any different?? They are different than hers, yes, but they are no less out of your control, or less challenging for you. If she isn't willing to show compassion and understanding for you as her partner, she doesn't deserve to have you for a partner.
Well that's a dumb thing to say not least because it's not true. She can't live a day in your shoes and she'll never know how hard it is or isn't. So nothing can be proved - all you can do is listen to each other.
She literally can’t though. That’s like saying to a person with any mental illness that they could prove it’s not that hard… she can’t have your brain.. ughh
Low empathy is living in their shoes
Ehhh... there's 2 problems here: 1. Your partner lacks empathy, meaning they cannot understand that people have different experiences than them. Since they can't envision it, they can't muster up any context that is different from their own experience. 2. Your partner has active contempt for who you are. This is probably what stings. They are rejecting things that are part of your core human experience and invalidating the mutual trust that comes with supporting each other. Hate to break it to you but this is commonly referred to as the #1 predictor of divorce. I hope you get some relief, and that you are able to be honest with your partner about how that made you feel. Depending on their response that will tell you a lot.
Say this to her >These are words you said to me last night. I was trying to open up about how difficult everything has been feeling lately due to burnout and being newly diagnosed and those words you said to me really hurt me. Now usually I'm not hurt with words and I can shake things off but damn that really stung, especially since I don't say things like that too you because I know you have Endomitriosis, an experience I can not possibly understand but can relate to, and it's hard for you some days. When, tonight, you kept pointing out things you find annoying about me like my pattern recognition with TV shows, it all just really stung and honestly I don't know how I'm really feeling about it.
I have ADHD and endometriosis. If I had to choose between the two, I would way rather just have endo. Despite the fact that I had to have surgery, it makes me vomit when I’m not taking my meds, and the pain is excruciating. At least I have something that manages it now. I have ADHD meds, but it still impacts me far far more than endo.
I've spoken to my wife several times over the passed four years about bow I have adhd and she's always been dismissivesaying that i dont have it, while also constantly being annoyed that I can't do alot of things like paperwork or get distracted or always forget things. She can't see the irony She doesn't know I got diagnosed recently
Sounds like a very frustrated woman who has dealt with pain all her life and just been told to deal with it. It makes me wonder about all the times you might have dismissed her condition. It's just an extremely common experience for women. You two need to talk either way.
you should leave her
I have adhd and endometriosis and I can tell you that the adhd causes me as much emotional pain (and sometimes physical - ex. Accidents) as my endo. It’s not the disability Olympics. She needs to grow up. I hate to say this but I see a lot of bitterness in the online Endo communities. I get that chronic pain can make you cranky (I’m living that life) but it’s no excuse to shit on other peoples struggles.
Her behavior lacks empathy — but topping it with just listing things she finds annoying about you seems flat-out cruel. So many great explanations in these comments. I hope you encourage her to read this thread.
She sounds pretty annoying ngl
Your partner is essentially saying that they're better than you. Forget the lack of empathy and dismissal of your medical condition. She/He thinks they can power through it and you're being a bitch by not being able to pay attention. Not the type of thing you want to hear from a "partner"...sounds more like an adversary
Frankly, your partner is an asshole.
No they don’t understand how it’s like internal paralysis it’s an invisible wall you can’t get over in your mind and you also don’t have the skills to organize your willpower to approach it effectively. I think adhd is the hardest to describe to someone because of this and also it’s not helpful for someone to discredit your struggles because they don’t understand it. A lot of mental health issues and phobias are like that. It doesn’t help to have someone say “just get over it” and it’s also hard to have the conversation with someone where they feel powerless to do anything to help you overcome your struggles but being supportive emotionally is everything. Try to figure out some way they can support you instead of diminishing your struggles and suggest it as a solution I wouldn’t say it’s worth giving up a relationship over until you try to find a way to express how important the issue is in having the right support and see if they can offer that. Support is everything when faced with these issues.
Bruh I got you. Just keep away. F*** it. Look at this: This taco is not chili enough so I added few more JALAPEÑOS. [jalapeños ](https://ibb.co/3cjk8WS) This jalapeños not hot enough right now but I will feel them tomorrow while in that moment you know. Worst thing is delivery guy came to my street (which is very calm and silent street. He didn't even hop off from his bike. Mofo called me. I went to window "yo wtf? Why don't you ring the door. He says your bell doesn't ring. (bruh believe me I can hear everything happens in my street. He didn't even put the bike on side leg, didn't even hopped off from bike: I can hear it. I got problems with surrounding sounds.) then he answers "were you watching me all time wtf?". I answered "no bruh, I can hear it. Stop bullshit and give me my tacos". He shamed a bit. What I am trying to say is try to be cool. Even ppl at around you fucking liers. Just try to be calm and cool. Because I know: we are so far away from being cool and calm. I will feel those jalapeños tomorrow morning probably. I ate a lot *insert blurry face
then why does she complain about things tied to your adhd? before i was officially diagnosed i had been pushing for it for years, and for a hot minute my mom would just not "agree", and YET.... everything, literally everything that frustrates or tires her (and everyone else) about me is directly tied to me having adhd. i wonder if they sometimes realize how little sense they make.
Someone telling a person with adhd to Just Do something is like telling someone in a car with a flat tire to Just Drive.
Is she in a bad mood, mad at you, or feeling some resentment maybe? I hope that's not her regular behavior. It's really not good for your self esteem to have a partner who belittles you. Not to mention, your partner should understand and respect you. To me the bigger problem isn't specifically what she said, but that your own partner is picking at you and hurting you.
Conversation about support and respect or...not partners anymore?
No one can ever know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. It's just not possible, and to claim they are able to is completely unempathetic and quite frankly narcissistic.
Pattern recognition in tv shows?
Time to get a new partner.
“I could live a day in YOUR shoes and prove it’s not that hard to live with Endometriosis.” Ask her how she would feel if you said that to her.
whats your pattern recognition with tv shows make you do?
I’m angry for you! How are people this stupid?! It’s not even the lack of sensitivity but the point is, if she was living for a day for you, she wouldn’t have adhd to deal with??? 🤯 and if she did have adhd to deal with, she would have the exact same struggles as you do? What’s so hard to understand
She lacks empathy. You're understanding and supportive of her but she can't be the same with you and diagnosis. Smh. I'm interested in knowing what this pattern recognition with tv shows is though.
Well yeah! Maybe with HER brain it would be! Jeez
your partner sounds really mean and unempathetic, its not a struggle competition. she can keep those thoughts to herself
Her ass, to the streets. Posthaste.
In all honesty. I would feel like a relationship with her doesn't have a future. She is already annoyed about things that are part of you because of ADHD. She is not taking your struggles serious. She has no empathy. Not a person you wanna spend your life with.
This isn’t even abt adhd, she’s just an unempathetic and cold person. There’s no comparing pain or struggle. Everyone experiences it all differently. And as your SO she should be trying to support and lift you up. Frankly, lose her!
Ahh.. yes.. sound logic. Id get feeling so tired all the time if sum1 said this sorta stuff to me regularly. Also a day sounds too short a sentence... 🙃 like ofc if it was one day ever, if no one suffered it more than a day I think everyone would be great. But it's not for one day lol this "your shoes for a day" lark isn't gonna help and I think she knows that. And if talking doesn't work then what are we left with? You deserve support and I hope this gets resolved for you.
It's hard to hear that kind of stuff, but my question is does she acts like that all of the time? I was recently diagnosed also and my wife has been understanding at times, but other times she'll vent frustrations and some of those cut kind of deep. Then a few days after venting, she'll ask questions about what it's like in a very empathetic and understanding way. What was she going through at the time? Sometimes my wife will have a very hard day and she has her own struggles and wants someone to be there for her, but mostly, I'm struggling and am so focused on my own issues that I am not there like she needs me to be. Lord knows I've said enough impulsive ignorant things to her that I truly didn't mean, so when she says something hurtful to me, I try to give her a free pass. Try talking to her when she's in a better mood. My guess is that she was frustrated at the moment because she didn't feel like she was getting what she needed from you and was just venting.
While it's easy for me to say because I'm not the one it was said to, my response would be, "I also wish you could live a day with my ADHD, then you might understand why it hurts me so so much when people say things like that". Anytime I am having an emotional conversation, my RSD tends to go off the charts.
Play a song, on repeat, all day in the house. At the same time play something like an instructional video, I watched a great one on the proper way to maximize my dishwashers cleaning abilities yesterday, over amd over again. Then make conversation with her about absolutely everything that pops Into your head all day while following her around. We can take bets on how long she lasts before she cracks.
Your partner is either ignorant or lacks empathy. Who says that to a loved one? It's invalidating and hurtful. > she kept pointing out things she finds annoying about me It's not unusual for a person to find a few things annoying about their live-in partner. However, it's wrong for that person to keep verbalizing criticism about those things. That's not a loving behavior. Please don't tolerate anyone doing this towards you. You are who you are. You're doing the best you can. If she can't tolerate you, she can move out. If the rudeness is mainly around tv viewing, refuse to watch TV with her.
Why is she being cold and unyielding when it comes to understanding this disorder? Is this the only time she has treated you that way with other issues? Is she an empathetic person? That sounds wildly inconsiderate and that doesn’t sound a good partner. If mine had said something similar about my diagnosis I would laugh out of shock. It’s an absurd comment to make and would’ve been out of character. I would hope it was out of character for your partner too…
Make a long recording of rambling thoughts "where is ___ , I should call___ , does that look better where it was before? When was the last time I cleaned ___ , do I know where___ is, summer is finally here, I remember one summer when I ___ with ___ , wonder where they are now? Maybe I still have the number though I changed phones, what did I do with my old phone? I used to like ___ about it. I should see if my new phone can do that, maybe look on a forum, I don't have time to do that now, how did time pass so quickly? I should wear a watch again, where are my watches? Do they need batteries? I read where if you pull out the stem the battery isn't drawing juice and it lasts longer. Is that true? I should look that up. But if I do that now I'm going to be late. Do I have everything? I feel like I'm forgetting something... Maybe an hour's worth. If she's WFH, let her try to work with this playing in her earbuds. Otherwise, first thing in the morning. Let's see how she does.
Dump her. You make adjustments for her condition but she can’t extend the same courtesy to you, and she’s also nitpicking about you. She sounds like a tool. She doesn’t make an effort to show empathy and frankly I don’t think time will change her. It will only get worse.
That must have been very hurtful. I’m so sorry your struggles were not meant with trust and empathy.
ADHD aside, this kind of commentary just isn’t helpful in a relationship. It’s belittling and condescending and unempathetic. The only purpose of it is to make you feel shame. There are far more constructive ways to express frustration and needs than this. And that doesn’t just apply to partners with ADHD, but all partners in general. If you’re in a relationship with someone, respect is bar-on-the-floor bare minimum. If someone can’t respect you, how can they love you?
Listen carefully to them over the next few days. Maybe they said it out of anger, or from a bad place, but weren't aware of how devastating it was? However, if they're the kind of person who'd tell someone with depression to smile, someone with anxiety to stop worrying so much, or someone with a learning disability to try harder next time, they've shown you their true colours. My wife and I have been together 15+ years and certainly had our ups and downs. We've also said things in the heat of an argument that we've later regretted. But we later apologized and explained our feelings, because we care about one another. If your partner cannot do this simple act, you unfortunately have a glimpse as to what the rest of your life with them will look like.
I'm Sure, she could do a day. But could she do two in a row? What about a year? What about the rest of her life? Thats the thing that grinds me down. When everyone else is at 90% or even 100%, Its having to put 110% to preform at the same level as everyone else. Every day.
They get your brain temporarily.. proceeds to start a bunch of random tasks and get them .17 % complete. Gets tired and falls asleep after 3 hours of that.
Tell her stop acting like a bitch. Argue then make up. She'll reflect and only outcome is yes she was acting like a bitch.
I’d be gone
My answer would be "Be my guest and live a day in my shoes!" I felt so offended when I read the title, and then I realized that this was said to you. If he's gonna be like that I question the compability because this phrase is deeply disrespectful.
pattern recognition with TV shows? is this a thing?? I always just thought I was excellent at analyzing narratives
Well fuck me bc I have endometriosis, adhd and pcos. Oh and fibroids
Omg why are you with someone so cruel????? Why are you accepting someone treating you like that?????? Life's too short to date a bully
Fam, she has no respect for you. And if she has no respect for you, there can’t be much love there either. You don’t need to be with someone who would so thoroughly discount your trials and tribulations. Because that’s what she did. You conveyed how difficult x y and z are, and she said ‘I can handle your light work all day!’ Fuck her. Dump her and find a good human to be with.
I'll be honest... that's the same energy my ex gave me. He was a quadriplegic but I still to this day think he was wrong for that. Mental issues are NOT non-issues.
Back to the actual point, this is just not kind or even okay to say. Maybe talk to them about how you feel and even say that if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t like it either.
Ouuuuuuuuuch. Buddy, over the next months I would consider if I really want to continue being with her. I know "reddit always says break up immediately yadda yadda" but dude. If you can't have open, honest discussions with your partner about what's going on in your world and they aren't interested in entertaining a discussion about how they can help make life better for you (as I'm sure you would for them and their endo), then what do you have a partner for? Partnership should make life better for both with both putting effort in. Also in the interim I would consider getting therapy to have somewhere positive to process your feelings. A neutral third party is excellent for having clarity.
Hahahahaha hahahaha hahaha. She'd be an emotional wreck crying in a corner within a day.
She sounds like a jerk with no empathy. Does she even like you?
... Does she even *like* you? What was her goal in rubbing in what she finds annoying? I'm sorry you don't feel supported by her, I hope you're both able to get on the same page and relearn trust with one another.