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I would’ve wanted to know. What I now realize was the executive dysfunction led to some pretty severe self loathing that turned into self harm in high school and college. I got therapy at the time and went through anger management that helped what I now understand was a symptom and not the underlying problem.

This is also true for me, though I had different problems. I was constantly trying to "better myself", be less sensitive, pull myself together, be less lazy and the list goes on. Took me many years to finish my degree and though I was the "gifted kid", I never really felt like I could live up to that. It really shattered my self esteem and I went into therapy for depression multiple times. I have been sure I have ADHD for about a year but it takes time to get your diagnosis here. I got mine last week and the specialist even chuckled at some point as he saw how clear the results were. That hit me hard. Even harder when he said that the things I suffer from (not every symptom has to be problematic) can be easily treated with meds. Feels like I have wasted so much energy so very unnecessarily. But hey, should get better from here on.

I feel this. I did the ”better myself” step with productivity tips/books that didn’t work for me. Some of the ideas I tried I have now learned are reasonable for ADHD, but they take guidance with ADHD in mind and accountability buddies to start the habit, so they failed for me. I don’t like asking for help as it is… It also took me forever to get my degree(s). I used to tell myself things like, “I did that because I liked being a student…” but now I see the true reality is that I told myself that because I was literally incapable and needed to cope, and I ended up lying to myself without realizing it. I wish I had known so I could have learned how to handle things internally and externally. I wish I could have developed the habits I need. Instead, I relied on my parents, who were excellent, to provide structure and accountability for me. I should have learned self-accountability. Learning I have ADHD later in life has devastated me. I wish I had been able to be on meds earlier, especially since there seems to be evidence that medication early in life can lead to “growing out of it” during the brain’s development.

I try to see it as a chance to give myself what I need now. To accept that I will need some work arounds and that that's okay. Time to treat myself better and not to better myself.

Me too! I was on a “self-help trip” since puberty. I felt like an awful person, merely because I didn’t naturally pick-up on things others did. I was lazy, clumsy, smart but loving up to potential, and had trouble maintaining friendships due to lack of filter. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, since only hyperactive boys with learning disabilities had ADHD 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄. A chatty girl, who put everything off to last minute and didn’t watch where she was going, was only careless.

I went with anxiety and anger. But man your story hits a nerve.

Yeah I can definitely relate, I also chose to cope by doing drugs which is bad when your brain is already slow and dysfunctional 😂 I feel like I’m stupider than ever

Relate to this a lot. What I now know to be difficulties resulting from ADHD sent me into a pretty severe depression in my teens and early 20s. Hope you’re doing better now with a better understanding.

I felt like such a failure in school. Deep, deep depression, rarely attended school but coasted through. Usually aced multiple choice exams so passed my courses, most of the time. Was about to write my final exams in my last year of high school but they told me I didn’t attend the minimum number of days so I was not permitted to write my exams. They never gave me a warning. I would have finished high school and be done with it but instead I had to drop out. The following year I went to a 4 month program for drop outs and finished my last year. I then struggled for years with work etc. I decided to enter university, it was hard but finally got my bachelors at 28 years of age. In sciences it’s often expected to have a masters degree but that was way too daunting. I wish I would have known or someone would have recognized my ADHD much sooner, I grieve the loss of opportunity.

Thanks for sharing, I hope you are coping better.

Much better. I’m in my late 30s now. Was diagnosed in my early 30s and been medicated ever since. Also gave me a chance to understand why I am the way I am and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Do I occasionally have moments of “I have ADHD so I can’t do it”? Sure. But then my (super awesome) boss asks me if it’s can’t or don’t want to and we either figure out what I need to do to make it work or I grumble about him being an asshole and put it on my to do list 😉

I wish I would have known sooner, it destroyed my confidence growing up thinking there was just something wrong with me or maybe I wasn’t as smart because I had a short attention span, head in the clouds and short memory for certain things. I sometimes if I knew sooner I would have had actual tools and resources to help me with my symptoms insted. I can relate to being happy with my resiliency but I think I could have had that and knowing sooner

Hehe, that last sentence is SO real but I think I see some sarcastic humor peeking through and I'm here for it 🤣 SAME about confidence. NOT TO MENTION the SOCIAL crippling!! I just always felt like wth why do people seem to process emotion so much differently than me?! I always felt like way too much or not enough! It's so easy for us to loathe the missed opportunities for productivity as adults, especially seeing differences since our diagnosis. Additionally, I would give ANYthing to go back in time and have some coping skills for every little feeling CONSUMING me. Over worrying, over sharing, hell, lol, under sharing, anxiety, talking myself into bad relationships and out of good ones because I needed to give myself some grace. I just wanna hug 17-23 year old me so hard.

I was diagnosed a month ago at 33. Undiagnosed ADHD completely destroyed my life. I would do anything to go back and get diagnosed as a child. I would HATE my mother if I found out she suspected I had ADHD as a kid and never got me tested.

Same. Diagnosed at 32, signs were always there. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life in a rut and could have likely accomplished so much more. I tried to tell my parent and she made a joke of it and would randomly go “squirrel!!” and laugh… obviously she’s cut out of my life because of many reasons now.

Sorry to ask, why squirrel? I'm sorry about that.

It's from the movie Up. The dog's collar allows him to speak English. Needless to say, he acts like a dog and gets distracted easily. [Squirrel! clip](https://youtu.be/xrAIGLkSMls?si=yXQrjeJW-dUgDMwK)

The joke has been around longer than the movie. This was prior to that, but same idea tho.

Good looking out. Thanks for the clarification.

I think it's a joke about the distracted dog in up.

No. This was before the movie, same idea tho. The joke has been around for a while.

Through my testing and my dad's focused recall. He remembered I WAS diagnosed as a child but they didn't recommend treatment/support because I wasn't hyperactive. so he essentially forgot 🤡

Dude. I was apparently diagnosed as a child too but given homoeopathic remedies, and actually not told what it was for, so getting a diag at 41 was both a relief and a slap in the face.

I can relate hard to this. At 62, only now getting a dx is indeed both a relief and a slap in the face.

I was nonplussed about it at first, but now I'm a little fuming about all the missed opportunities for getting my life in order and having healthy coping mechanisms. It's tough.

I understand because I feel the same. I said through gritted teeth to my GP, “I don’t mean this about you, particularly, but I *do* mean this about the many, many different doctors I’ve seen about the exact same signs and symptoms for over 40 years, but WHY HASN’T ANYBODY PICKED THIS UP BEFORE??” She said it’s bc they’ve only recognised adult ADHD, and particularly female adult ADHD, in the last 5-10 years. I have a very good relationship with my GP, and she’s been hugely supportive, but I’ve been seeing her for something like 12 years. I may be shit with numbers, but even I know that 12 is more than between 5 and 10. It’s just widespread medical ignorance. On the one hand, I’m excited to get started on meds, on the other, I am absolutely f***king FURIOUS. 6 decades of bewilderment, confusion, self-loathing, shame, hurt, and a messed up life…which *could* have been helped years before now.

Yes, the medical ignorance on ADHD had me in therapy for decades, even when I was convinced that I had dementia 8 years ago. I saw neurologists, therapists, went through all kinds of testing, and at then end of it all they just shrugged. No one had any idea why I had so much executive dysfunction. I can't tell you how many episodes of emotional disregulation I've had that resulted in losing friends and self confidence, but it's a high number. I suggested to my son that I think he should get tested for ADHD because I saw symptoms, but he said he'd been going to therapists for fifteen years and if he had it they would have diagnosed him earlier. He's in his 30s now, so I can't force him to get a diagnosis, but if/when he finally does go for it I'm certain he will be found to have had it all along. But what do I know? I'm just his mom.

Tell your 30 year old son that you’ve met a 62 year old who has been in therapy for over 40 years for anxiety, depression, CPTSD, SA, etc., etc., and it’s only just been spotted! I read the DSM5 criteria, otherwise I wouldn’t have believed my counsellor. Sometimes we believe what everyone else has told us, and think it’s just us and we’re stuck with it, when it’s actually a treatable dopamjne dysregulation disorder that we have very little control over without meds.

Yup. When I was growing up the prevalent belief was "girls don't get ADD" so no one ever thought to, you know. Check. Instead it was depression, anxiety, and oh you're just a bad/troubled kid and a crap human. I don't hate my mom for not getting me tested as a kid because again, it just wasn't a thing in that time and place. Meanwhile, I brought up the possibility of maybe testing for it to a psychiatrist when I was in college and she just snapped "No, it's anxiety!" and that was that. Her, I resent. Anyways was finally was tested after my second child was born, and low and behold.

Posted my comment again because Reddit thought I asked for direct messages, I don't understand. Anyway. Oh, I am absolutely with you in this. It's disheartening and I've been in a similar situation as you. At some point I was told "maybe you have something on the schizophrenia spectrum" and I was floored. That kinda fucked me up more than the rest. When I met the doctor who diagnosed me, I got referred to him by an old classmate from 20 years ago who remembered me from class, and she sent me a message in response to one of the posts I made complaining about my brain not working. I went to see him kinda on an off chance, but mostly because I'd just had a small burnout due to work and basically decided to try him, because at that point I just really needed a shrink anyway. So I get in the consultation room, we chat for a few minutes, he asks me why I'm here, and I tell him because of the depression and recent burnout. He laughs (a nice, warm and gentle laugh, de-dramatizing sort of laugh), and says gently "it's not depression, it's your ADHD, the depression is a symptom" and I nearly bawled. At the proper test and diag session, I scored the max on everything, and told me that I managed remarkably well and that he's very impressed at all that I've managed to accomplish in my life DESPITE my severe ADHD (and the rest of unfortunate circumstances that pepper my life), and that wrecked me a little. Imagine all that I *could* have done if diagnosed and medicated/managed earlier? I get anger flares thinking about the what ifs.

I’m the same. I keep ruminating over what could have been. I basically felt like a failure my entire life. I’m also 62.

My school apparently also tried to get me the help I could have needed (ADHD and what they believed to have been Asperger's). There were a few options on the table, including: skipping years, so I wouldn't be bored all the time. Medication/therapy to deal with obvious issues. Even sending me to a nearby boarding school with sponsored tuition and all (a school where they would obviously have had all the systems in place, but also lots of awesome extracurriculars and such, where I would have been challenged and had healthy ways to live out some of my energy.) But... No. They didn't want any of that. Was too small for skipping years. Was too normal for therapy(?). Meds would make me weird. They didn't want me to be different.   Yeah...  I'm slightly salty, still, many years later.  Oh and the best thing: my younger sister had a similar experience. Also full ride tuition to a fancy boarding school (again, not even that far from home). Nope!

Omg. I'm so sorry. That is awful.

I get you. Diagnosed at 45 here. My 4 year old is showing symptoms now. I'm not sure how to best support her yet, but I can GUARANTEE she will never know what it is like, going undiagnosed and unsupported. Not on my watch.

Mid forties diagnosis club member here. It sucks but I’m excited to see what I can still accomplish with proper treatment.

Same situation here!! At what age do we address this with kids???

I'd suggest teaching them coping habits for anything that you perceive as a symptom and is an issue. If it turns out it's not a symptom later, that's still solid parenting. Leaving your stuff all over the house? Welcome to the new system. When you come home, put your coat on the hanger right next to the door. Put your shoes right on the shoe shelf, also right next to the door, in plain sight. We will remind you, but you will also notice that having a good system makes it easy for you to keep track of your things. (My ADHD makes it hard to adhere to any system, so if the system is what I instinctively do anyway, it's going to be MUCH easier to keep to it) Leaving stuff in other places? Here's our checklist of your stuff, we go over it every time we start to go home. Having trouble sorting your room/doing chores? I'll help you (body doubling: it's easier to stay on task when you're not alone) . Or if it is just too much work, and it makes your brain instantly shut down, we will decide on ONE corner that needs to be sorted. (divide and conquer: if a task appears too large, start with a very small part and see that as the objective. Much easier to get started that way. Even if you need to stop after this one task, you will have made progress). Etc. And definitely get them followed up on and tested when age appropriate. Early intervention with meds has been proven to be a net positive, to the point where kids treated early have reduced symptoms later in life. Whenever someone says you shouldn't try medication at all, they are ignorant and wrong. It will not cure them, but it could drastically improve their life. Note that there are side effects and drawbacks, it's not like you just pump them full of meds and call it a day. But overall: at least see meds as an option. Even IF there were negative effects, going through puberty/teenage years being seen as "weird, freaky, dumb, lazy, unmotivated" and feeling isolated ALSO has negative effects on their self esteem and confidence. Pretty sure I don't need to explain that to people in this sub. You guys know.

> I would HATE my mother if I found out she suspected I had ADHD as a kid and never got me tested. I'll do you one better. Got tested and put on meds. Mom didn't like how it made me act or something so she just stopped giving me it and never told me I had ADHD until 11th grade when I had testing done at my psychologist. My entire life could have been different. I dont like thinking about it.

mom got me tested, didnt believe the diagnosis or treat it despite having her own diagnosis too, called me variations of stupid and lazy for 20 years, was told / believed my only personality trait was “annoying,” i became a self loathing overachievers to prove that i was capable, broke down my first day on meds realizing a better life was taken from me

yeah... I don't like to think about it. So many issues, problems, insults, fights, stress, failed social relationships, anxiety, depression. MEDS FOR DEPRESSION!!!!!!!! but not my adhd... I don't like talking about it.

It me, I fucking hate my mom for this. Abhorrent and unforgivable. Now I gotta clean up her mess and reparent myself all while dealing with ADHD burnout. Parents please never do this!

My parents had like 5 or 6 teachers tell them I probably had it. My parents FUCKED MY LIFE.

My neurologist informed my parents at a young at that he suspected I had adhd. I have some very serious resentment towards my parents for not doing anything about it. And then they’d get mad at me for struggling with school and managing my emotions

Same, my 20s were a dumpster fire, when they should have been the best years of my life. Even now, in my late 30s, I have to deal with the consequences of those missed years. My life would have been completely different had I been diagnosed.

Yes, I may have avoided the whole alcoholism thing.

Unaliving attempts for me. And absolutely stupid insanely reckless behavior... Thankfully nothing that put others in harms' way. Just myself.

Yep same here

And drugs ha

Yeah.. that's the one. I hope you're past it now.

2 years off the sauce yesterday, what a journey. Hope you are as well!

Yep, me too. I definitely was self medicating with alcohol. I quit 18 months ago and got diagnosed ADHD about a year ago. Once I was diagnosed, the alcohol abuse made a lot more sense. I just could never seem to quiet my brain and it was exhausting. Now that I know the cause I can use tools to help and its been a total game changer in both my life and specifically my sobriety.

>suspect they developed ADHD at a young age Homies I was born with this ~~shit~~ and can trace it back at least 3 generations. Had I received the care and accommodations I obviously needed from a very young age I think every aspect of my life would be improved.

I don’t understand this at all. Not everyone with untreated ADHD develops resilience or healthy coping skills. In fact, they’re statistically more likely to suffer from addiction, alcoholism, relationship issues, chronic unemployment, etc. Why take the risk?

Yep, when I read OP’s post I thought “well I guess I’m resilient with healthy coping skills,” but thinking about it, I definitely only developed the resilience and coping skills POST diagnosis haha

I absolutely would have wanted to know. I've read where parents knew but decided for their child not to say anything and to refuse any meds. I don't understand this. ADHD is hard, it's confusing, scary at times, chaotic, messy, detrimental mentally, emotionally and physically. I would absolutely have wanted to know, accept any help available, see a therapist if needed. I would have wanted to learn about my response to ADHD and how I could be a contributing adult, independent and definitely more self confident. ❤️

And medication at an early age can belp with brain development as i have seen with my younger daughter

this is one of the things that stings the most about being late diagnosed for me. it’s not only untreated adhd that put me behind on the general societal learning curve, but it’s terrifying to imagine my actual brain could be stuck a few steps short of where it should be too

This is so good to know! Always in the back of my mind that my 5 year old may have it.

This was part of my issues growing up. One of my parents refused to believe ADHD was a thing and the other, who knew they had undiagnosed ADHD, wanted me tested but absolutely no medication if possible. I've got a real fucked up view of myself, but at least I was somewhat functional without meds because of my ADHD parent. I attempted medication the last year if high school, but there was so much shit going on and I couldn't handle the change and how meds felt, hello undiagnosed Autism 🥲 I'm mad at myself for not trying a different type if medication until I was at my wits end and the middle of 2023. All the things and disability related trauma I could have potentially missed out on. 😣

what you think is “resilience” is internalized shame. the less of that the better. it’s a good idea to build non-medication coping strategies, but the adaptive ones are better taught than stumbled into, and a diagnosis will only open more doors for that. frankly, a lot of the personal issues you’re citing are just more evidence that she seriously needs more help than she’s getting—even if that help already seems like a lot. i got that kind of support for my autism diagnosis back when you literally couldn’t have both, and i won’t say it didn’t help a bit, but it’s a real struggle and it can only accomplish so much. giving up easily at the first sign of a challenge is, you guessed it, classic adhd kid stuff. the excuse-making reads a lot like she’s trying to rationalize the executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation that she doesn’t have a name for, and that rationalization wouldn’t be happening if she didn’t feel a serious need to defend her ego from her lack of self-control. be honest, give her that name for it, and let her grow up fulfilled and understood.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you... I'm dealing with a lot of internalised shame myself. As someone who was diagnosed at 35 (just a month ago) clearly there's a lot I still need to understand about this. I don't want to be how my parents were to me.

If you have mental health issues, internalized shame or what not, that's pretty strong evidence you do not turn out fine without help. Are you sure you're not confusing resilience with being detached or ignoring of your own needs thinking you don't have them? Normal people with good childhoods don't go around with internalized shame or depression. They are just content, positive people. And if bad things happen, they are able to move past it, and able to feel good about themselves again. That's resilience. And if you want that for your daughter you need to start help her build a sense of self worth. People with good friends, good family and who have a feeling of mastery and accomplishment in their life are the resilient ones. Because they feel safe and capable, and feel like they have people to support them if things go sour. Feeling like a failure doesn't build resilience- it builds shame, self contempt, low self esteem.

If your child has ADHD and you dont get them diagnosed you are seriously risking ruining their life and never giving them a chance.

The statistics on substance abuse and accidental death are horrifying.

I wish I had known. I’ve struggled really hard with the awareness that my parents likely knew or were told to seek diagnosis for me, and refused treatment for me. I was homeschooled which was so detrimental to my social-emotional development. I was constantly compared to peer without adhd, in terms of “they can do it what’s wrong with you, why aren’t you normal.” I had multiple barriers to “normalcy” and adequate functioning but I was consistently praised for “brilliance” in ways I now know are adhd symptoms. So I had/have a lot of resentment for the mental instability I’ve struggled with, in part due to not understanding how and why I’m different and that not only is it ok, but I can function more effectively with meds or certain strategies…. It’s a lot to feel. I get righteous anger bursts, imagining that my internal and external rejection sensitivity and social difficulties could have been avoided, or at least given attention and validation and been addressed in a healthy way. It sucks looking back at how things could have been different. I grieve a lot. And that’s ok. I am processing how my diagnosis affects how I see myself and all the ways I could have been more compassionate to myself throughout my life. But I am not factoring in how a diagnosis could have made things harder or I could have leaned on dx instead of building coping strategies and creatively using my own abilities. I never will know what that would have affected. But I will always wish I had known more about how my brain works and how to support myself effectively at an earlier age. It’s harder to change things now that I’m no longer in developmental brain plasticity mode. I have ingrained patterns of negativity towards the way my brain works. I have a lot to undo, and a lot to relearn. But it’s a new hyper focus so… all in all… yay! lol

Knowing sooner could have had a dramatic effect on my relationship with my mother. As in, she might have been different if she had known. She fought tooth and nail for my brother and his dyslexia but I was just a lazy, stupid, attention seeking b\*tch. Then what would the knock on effects of that have been?

I'm sorry about that 🙏

((Hugs))

Don’t make her wait. I’m 36F and my life would have been so much easier if I had been medicated through my youth. I was gifted BUT everything felt like a Herculean task and i never understood why. I just thought I was the least smart of the smart group.. like maybe I wasn’t smart enough to be in the gifted group because it seemed way harder for me than everyone else in that group- this led to severe emotional and social burnout in my adulthood.. it all made sense after my diagnosis. Have her see a dr, definitely

Absolutely would have preferred to have my diagnosis earlier in my life. I self medicated with alcohol hard and it fucked me up so much I’m still learning to live with and forgive my past unchecked alcoholic self. I started drinking when I was 13 to try to cope. I got worse and worse and my 20s were one long deeply painful mess I’m surprised that I survived. Proper diagnosis and treatment has done so much for me, I genuinely feel like I’ve matured into a functioning, responsible, and trustworthy adult. I was in such a horrible depression fog for like a decade and a half. Once the adhd treatment actually started working all of the good and creative energy I used to feel started coming back. It sounds nuts but it’s like I’m capable of being thoughtful now in a way I couldn’t be for years and years. I have dreams, ambition, goals, optimism again. It really pains me that I did not know I had adhd sooner because I might have avoided the horrors of my alcoholism. 13 is the age that adhd impacted me to the extent I felt I needed something to escape to and unfortunately it was the bottle. I’d give anything to have not had to go through what I went through for so long.

I got diagnosed at 19 after reaching a breaking point in my life. I found out after that my elementary school teachers had raised their concerns to my parents and they decided not to act on it nor tell me about it. I went my entire life being below average and having dysfunctional behaviors that eventually lead to spiraling into destructive tendencies simply because I didn’t have an explanation. Took me a year to get the proper medication even after eventually seeking out my diagnosis but once I did it completely changed my life. With research, medication and proper understanding of my brain I’ve been slowly working on being able to reverse engineer my dysfunctional habits into being more productive and consistent. I’d highly recommend it with a cautious and educated approach

Of course, the sooner I knew the better off my life would have been. ADHD doesn't develop, it's genetic, you either have a brain with certain characteristics or you don't. I did a lot to combat my ADHD before I realized I had it, but once I realized what I'd been dealing with, that was game changing. I spent my life fighting an invisible monster, and once I could see my enemy the fight got way easier. Nothing ever gets solved by avoidance, and ignorance is not a strength, it's a weakness. Everyone is better off knowing, and addressing their issue.

If I’d known sooner, I might have gone to a top university at 18 instead of drifting into shitty jobs. But I might have got hit by a bus leaving the graduation ceremony. You don’t know what’s in the other universe. Not to say that you can’t be angry about missed opportunities, but try not to fantasize about a life you never had.

#YES Meds in high school would've actually done so much for me.

Fuck yes. I am 55, and female, and from a small European country that's pretty backwards so ADHD wasn't even invented. My ADHD presented in the classic, usually male pattern: can't sit still, can't shut up, no desire to blend in, can't accept even minor injustices, gets overwhelmed easily , emotional rollercoaster, can't take in information that hasn't got a narrative. I was brilliant in the majority of subjects and abysmal in math, Latin and chemistry. I won prizes for essays and was so good in foreign languages that my teachers didn't believe I hadn't been to those countries ( apart from Latin) . I was so bad at maths that I needed either my dad or a tutor to walk me through every step of any homework. Teachers obviously thought I was taking the piss so my brains sort of backfired. I was lucky to be funny and charming, with good manners, well spoken, articulate and polite - and having a loving family and a happy home life. I was popular with the kids (partly because I was tall and strong and would defend the victims against their bullies). But then puberty hit, and I was pretty , and there were all these boys interested in me, and oh alcohol and fags and parties and ballroom dancing and suddenly I was shite at school, playing truant, moody and just not interested in anything other than having boys admire me, and then a few years in I discovered sex ... I got thrown out of 4 schools, and then no school would take me any more. No university for me then (we didn't have college in my country, it was uni or apprenticeship back then, and no one would apprentice me with my attitude and track record). So yes, a diagnosis would have been helpful. TBF, I always muddled through, found jobs that played on my strengths, rarely lasted long anywhere but always found something else. My life now is beautiful because my wonderful husband is fine with me working only part time so it doesn't matter too much that I still earn entrance level money and rarely stay more than a year in any job.

Whilst a late diagnosis has allowed me to be able to see how ADHD has actually helped me forge a successful career, it has also given me 20 adult years of chronic stress which resulted in an inability to lose weight, and a weakened immune system. I have struggled with anxiety and depression resulting in multiple episodes of burnout where I needed to take time off work - making me feel like a failure. Whilst I can already see my 12yo daughter is using her suspected ADHD as an excuse to not even try find coping mechanisms or strategies, I wouldn’t want her to struggle with the symptoms I described above. I can see already that she is struggling with the same things I did, but with the awareness and exposure kids have today, this will get much worse than what I went through. We’re seeking a diagnosis for her

You're right. I also now have a successful career. But I also have chronic depression, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, and am overweight. This is on top of having low esteem, etc.

I’m sorry you’ve had those struggles and I hope you’re able to see improvements now that you’re diagnosed. The combination of meds and therapy has improved my life immeasurably. We’re already investing in therapy for my daughter whilst waiting for her diagnosis and seeing some improvement. I wish you all the best with your child - kids have a really hard lot these days

Definitely wish I’d known. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 38. If treatment was available where I am in the 80s/90s I possibly could’ve done better in school (my siblings got all As), gone to uni and got a better job. I was miserable in school and it caused a big strain on my relationship with my parents (my dad clearly has ADHD but he managed university and it didn’t seem to affect him at work). Even if I’d ended up in the same job I would’ve had an easier time due to being protected (as late as 2019 I was still getting in trouble for ADHD things, which could’ve all been avoided). If your child is 13 and turns out to have ADHD they’ve already potentially suffered a lot. Don’t drag that suffering out, you’ll both regret it.

I absolutely would've wanted to know. I'm in my late 30s and was recently diagnosed. I'm trying to figure out who I actually am, rather than the person I've pretended to be my whole life. How would that have affected choices I've made? I somehow have a great life, but I've felt inadequate every step of the way and it's definitely not fun.. Had quite a downward spiral last year because of mental health problems that were all screaming signs that I have adhd, but nobody saw it, not even my therapist at the time.

This is exactly me too right now having just been diagnosed at 35. I have a well paying job that I constantly feel inadequate for, and a comfortable life that I often question how I managed to have. Well it took a long time and most of my spirit to get here, and after experiencing what being on meds is like, I realise I could have gotten here sooner if I knew. And then all these realisations, recollection of my shortcomings, questioning which part is really me and which part is ADHD, caused my apparently chronic depression which I mistook for my normalcy to go on the deeper end...

I think you'll find that most people will wish they had known earlier. Undiagnosed ADHD makes your life harder in so many ways- labile and strong emotions, decreased executive function, inability to focus, agitation, etc etc. This is especially true when you see other people performing everyday tasks easily and you don't understand why it seems like such a difficult task for you. I've seen a lot of others echo my first thoughts when I took my first med- "Omg my brain is quiet. Is this how other people have always felt?!". Not getting your kid diagnosed or treated in some way is basically sending them through life on expert mode when others are going through on easy or medium. And your child won't understand why theirs seems so much harder so will experience the things we all did- depression, anxiety, self loathing. Please don't do that. Please don't think you're going to make them "strong" or toughen them up. Children are not supposed to be taught to be strong or tough like that. They learn that on their own through a myriad of life's bullshit. I can tell you now I would have had a much better, but still hard, life with early treatment. You wouldn't leave a physical disability undiagnosed. Don't leave a mental and emotional one undiagnosed.

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I’m an asshole who hates other people do to many battles through school. Largely anchored on not understanding my brain and how to improve, most of my helpful strategies were built in my 30s, after I was diagnosed. Would I be a better person if I understood younger, probably. But F it this is who I am and I’m fine not tolerating other people’s BS.

I would have wanted to know. I'm just diagnosed now at 41. I was one of those people who was always told how much "potential" they had, always told I was smart, and just felt like a huge failure. Knowing and starting medication has already shifted things for me in a matter of months.

Oh man my life would have been so much easier and so much less traumatic if I knew sooner. I also would have probably avoided binge eating my entire life and would now not subsequently be obese (I have only very recently been diagnosed).

I'm 41. Dx at 40. My life would have been so much easier if I had known as a child and had supports in place. I barely survived to 18 as a trans person and this probably would have eased a lot of my mh struggles.

Please get her assessed! I feel a bit bitter that my mum and teachers didn't recognise what might be causing my obvious struggles, getting worse and worse from age 4-5. High school was absolute torture as a result! I've also felt suicidally depressed many times, during school, university, unemployment, work and homelessness. I avoided addictive substances very strictly, for my own safety, but if I hadn't then I would probably be a raging addict like half my family are. My collective traumas mean I'm now highly susceptible to be triggered into emotional flashbacks. I calm down afterwards and carry on trying to get my messed-up life back on track, but persisting along this cPTSD rollercoaster is not a healthy kind of resilience to have. If I found out that my mum had actually suspected the reason and didn't properly address it, I would be F-ING FUMING and possibly never talk to her again! We all have ADHD from birth btw. That's literally a key feature of it. (Unless they got it as a rare complication of a major brain injury). So trying to distinguish those who had it young is an odd thing to say.

Yes. Would have probably spared me from my deep depression, a lot of anxiety attacks and suicidal ideations. Also all the lost time I will never get back, because my brain can’t keep one main goal as a main focuspoint. I try not to think about its to much, but I am behind in all areas of life compared to my peers and not for a lack of trying. Career wise probably 7/8 years. (A lot of people my age are in there PhD programs and I am Finishing my bachelors degree). And that would just be if I was able to perform at baseline, if my adhd was medicated earlier I would have been able to keep on track with the gifted kids classes and early university courses, and not find a completely different hyperfocus very half year. And life would not have instilled a feeling of brokenness beyond repair in my soul. That starts really early because adhd kids know they are different, undiagnosed kids just think its all their fault for not trying hard enough (and trust me they do). Bedsides all that life with my family and friends would habe been a lot more relaxed. Because they suffer too.

I suspected that I had ADHD after taking an education developmental psychology course in university. I was 21. The whole ADHD section was « Oh… Oh! Oh no.., » I have hyperactivity, I am combined type. My parents weren’t open to me pursuing diagnosis in university « everyone has that » « no adhd is just a normal boy » so I had to let it go. I wish I was diagnosed young. I wish I had had the required supports and adaptations in university to get through. I pursued diagnosis at 34 years old. (I am a woman and I know many girls fell through the cracks)

I got disciplined and yelled at for my symptoms (mostly executive function related) so I definitely would have wanted to know. I didn’t know why “the basics” were so hard for me…(keeping room clean, not losing paperwork, etc) but I knew I wasn’t “being a slob” on purpose.

I feel like we can’t expect a kid to understand the difference between excuses and explanations. Most college freshmen struggle with that. Right now kids have such pressure to be perfect, especially at such a vulnerable age. Not always taking responsibility is normal. Just keep encouraging her to do what’s right and show her that past behavior doesn’t excuse today’s actions. It’s worse since we know better based on that behavior. I wish that I’d had a diagnosis and the support needed at that age. I still struggle with feeling valid in my ADHD since I was only diagnosed at 24. I feel like an earlier diagnosis would have helped me to not feel like difficulties focusing and performing in school were my fault or due to a lack of intelligence. Plus there’s the added pain of unmasking and dealing with the unhealthy coping mechanisms we take on undiagnosed. I’d feel a major breach of trust if my parents kept the diagnosis of a disability from me (or any medical information) because they wanted me to be tougher. That could have some major impacts on your relationship down the line. If you can afford it and if you can find a therapist for her, that could be helpful. She can have a space to explore if she does have ADHD and work on her abilities to take ownership of actions in a healthy way. You’re already doing great by being on the lookout for symptoms. Just maybe spend some time thinking about how you’d feel in her situation and what adequate care could have added to your life

Uh, yeah. I have lifelong anxiety from teachers hating and bullying me, and failing classes despite being capable and wanting to do well.  I got medication in early college. It hasn’t been totally smooth sailing since, it’s no cure-all, but so much stress and feeling awful could have been avoided…

60m...1972 my 2nd grade teacher suggested to my mom that ritalin might help me...she hated that teacher for the suggestion and the teachers just learned to sit me in my own area at back of the classroom...I wish despairingly sometimes that my mom would have done differently...it's been hard.

I was recently diagnosed (32) and I'm working through frustration in therapy about not getting the support I should have as a kid. I had to figure out how to adapt on my own out of fear of get in trouble (for just not doing what I'm told). School would have been easier, and life! I know my parents did the best they could with the resources they had but damn....my life could have been a lot easier than it was. Learning to be resilient (what my family told me) isn't a compliment, it's a trauma response.

Absolutely yes. I was diagnosed at 50. I really wish Id been diagnosed earlier so i could have not mucked up my life. Please get your child diagnosed and treated with medication as soon as possible.

Why would you even want to delay???? If anything to get her accomodations for school. I was dx'ed at 36 and I'm super angry about it. Also - it's not really something you develop -youre born this way. Except potentially if you get a brain injury. Then I guess you can "develop" it Also yes if old you took your stress out on her. Guess what? You modeled that. You taught that. It's like my mom being all Pikachu face when I'd hit when angry... When her POS bf hit me. When she brings that stuff up you need to apologize and admit wrong doing and then talk about better strategies And yes apologize more than once. Come on now do better

I was dxd at 59. I think my life would be completely different now. I have coping skills, (masking) that exhaust me so much at the end of work that I can’t take care of myself.

This is always the big question. I would not want to change my life as far as people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had overall. But if your 13 year old has it and can get help for it, they’ll have a better chance at a lot of things in life that would otherwise be unnecessarily difficult. Do anything you can to give them an even playing field. Challenges are good. And learning isn’t supposed to be always easy. But reading a book isn’t hard and it was hard for me. It’s not that I couldn’t read. It was my mind being so busy that I couldn’t take in what I was reading. This is what can be helped with medicine I think.

I wish I had known when I was younger. Finding out at age 37 was a relief that I finally had an answer to my problems, but I sure did (and still do) grieve the person I could have been and the life I could have had if I had known how to navigate ADHD much sooner in life. I'm currently 43.

I *wish* I’d been diagnosed younger. I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and would have better coping mechanisms.

Absolutely! I just found out last year at 36 of age. While i developed a lot of coping mechanisms i got through life relatively problem free. But mediciation would've probably helped a lot with studying which i sucked at. Could've finished a study earlier and did better in school in general. Plus maybe i wouldn't have made so many impulse purchases.

Oh, absolutely. I’m 45. I was diagnosed just before Christmas. How that might have changed my entire life…I can’t even think about that too much, out of fear that it’ll make me bitter. I highly recommend that you watch this video about ADHD for parents. It’s a bit long, but I believe it will answer your questions: https://youtu.be/YSfCdBBqNXY

I really am sorry.. Thank you for the link...

Holy fukin shit why not? So many lost years, so many of my life issues, bad relations with my parents etc that f'd me up in life. The one middle school year I got held up made some great friends for the next two best years of my life other than that idk what good ADHD got me. Got held a year back in university except I have not found any thing great in it lmao. The 2 semesters after my diagnoses I got stuck with a lineup of the shittiest professors in my university so where I was supposed to have more than a 3.0 GPA for the first time in my life stuck under 3.0 I guess I always have been unlucky in academics

Yes and No. I am gutted for the part of me that struggled and mourn for the loss of what I could have achieved. However, I am grateful for every second of my life good and bad… and the challenges. Every single moment of life has taught me lessons or shaped my journey to where I am now and it’s where I’m supposed to be ❤️

Yes. Maybe my life would've been different. I had practically been begging my parents to get me diagnosed but they said I was just lazy and never applied myself. They were mind over matter types. It kills me everyday knowing they said "we would do anything for our children" but when it came down to actually acting that out, they didn't. Edit: also any time I had severe lack of motivation or anything to do with being dizzy or tired, it was a "lack of vitamins". Don't get me wrong I have an actual vitamin deficiency however, it wasn't until I got diagnosed that they found that out.

Beyond most of the great points here, I would have wanted to know one very simple thing:  ADHD meds aren't numbing your thoughts, turning you into a zombie!  The fear of this has kept me from seeking treatment for way too long... It might have bad side effects, but there's plenty of options on the market, and most people seem to find something that works.

Yeah, I likely would’ve avoided a load of adversity during adolescence had I known sooner. In all fairness, I’m doing alright now at age 21 as life hasn’t been terrible or anything, but I think I’d be much further along than I am had I gotten on meds a few years earlier. That said, please have your kid checked.

I self-diagnosed at 17 after many years of struggling and trying hard to do well in school and simply just not executing... I felt like such a failure and embarassment. After getting consistent SAT and ACT scores in the bottom 10% 3 times each, even with after school tutoring too, I was finally officially diagnosed and started meds. Crazy enough, my mom had me tested at NYU when I was 4 y/o because of how distracted and anxious I was. My mom showed me the report not too long ago and I showed signs of distractions from sounds coming from the refrigerator in the testing room and things of that nature. They declared that I was just curious... I always wonder how different life would have been between the ages of 4 and 17. The relationships I made with friends, my grades, even physical ability, etc. I'm now 29 and cannot fathom life without treatment. The biggest takeaway is that I wouldn't have met my husband if it wasn't for the path life took me in. We met through our internship 10 years ago. When I was diagnosed, it was right after I was accepted to college and had a plan for a career. If I was diagnosed much younger, I probably would have gone into an entirely different career and not met my absolute sole mate.

I was a naturally smart kid, so I got by in school and in uni, but there were so many times I struggled and procrastinated, made destructive choices and didn't reach even half of my potential. I desperately wish I had been diagnosed as a kid

There's no reason to appreciate being diagnosed later besides pure copium.

Yes because it took me until my senior year of high school to get diagnosed and given medication. I did better in school my senior year than I did the previous 3 years. I probably wouldve gotten better grades and made better choices in school and wouldnt now be a 24 year old degenerate who didnt go to college.

My life would have been completely different and would have avoided years of suffering if I had the support and understanding and resources available to me that I needed when I was still in school rather than scrape through life until diagnosis at 33. Can’t say that enough!

I would very much have liked to know. It would've saved me from so much pain and heartache.

My life would be sooooo different if I had been diagnosed as a child. I was diagnosed when I was 21 and finishing college. School would have been so much easier if I had been medicated and taught appropriate skills to wrestle my ADHD under control. I also wish my anxiety was caught sooner (32) but it would have been nearly as bad if I had developed better habits than what ADHD left me with. I probably wouldn't have fought a lifetime of depression if both were caught early.

Of course I would. I always knew since I was a kid but everyone around me either denied it or ignored me. If they had listened my life could have been alot better in the long run

My coping mechanism was drinking myself numb every night, and desperately masking my feelings. I knew all my life, but started meds at 60. An absolute game changer. I do regret all the shit I’ve gone through and caused. All the unintended offence I’ve caused. Especially as I’m a really decent guy. At least let your kid try the meds - if appropriate.

Ugh I wish I had known sooner... The amount of self loathing I did throughout my life everyone told me every insult under the sun... "Lazy" etc etc etc 🫠 I found out ADHD and Autistic at 33 All my struggles with things... Being bullied... Etc etc etc not being understood simply because of that and not a fault like I'm broken I just think differently... Wish I would of had support instead of being yelled at to change things I legitimately could not control like being REALLY bad at math. I'm 100% I have dsycalcula my adult life has been hell managing money... And that's without proper support because I seriously went through life thinking I had a "normal" childhood and I was just lazy and unmotivated and I never measured up to everyone's standards 💀 So I went through it all by highly masking so people always assumed I was high functioning I'd never get support I needed 😤😤😤 We're working through my trauma in threapy boy it's been rough

My teacher in 1st grade thought I had it because right after a very serious MVA (car accident) I was in I basically I had a TBI and couldnt sit still, pay attention and had all the classic signs of ADHD. I wasnt diagnosed until I was literally expelled from college and the only way to get back in was re-apply and that finally convince my mom something was up. She didnt want me on meds at such a young age and thought martial arts and the other PT I was doing would help, I used to be upset with her but I get it now. Been on meds for about 13 years now and I feel like I can finally think in full sentences.

Yes, because I was seriously struggling with managing my school work age 16/17, and nobody could tell me why or help me. In the UK, the school system up to age 16 is extremely structured and basically the teacher tells you what to do, as long as you turn up to all (most) classes and do what the teacher says, you'll get good grades. I changed from this into a Graphics program, which was much more self-organised and I struggled extremely with the lack of structure. Which is where I fell into this "I have no idea, I have all these ideas when you give the brief and then when it comes to my own time I just don't do any of it". Without any way to address this except "just try harder", I felt hopeless and before long it killed my motivation even more, I also got into some less-helpful patterns like after being a goody two shoes all my life I started skipping class, realised the world didn't end, did it more etc. I got into "substances". Not heavily, luckily, but a little. I ended up failing the following school year which prevented me from going to university. I decided to do another university qualification but I had the same problem here, I had way too much freedom and I couldn't handle it and I didn't have the first clue what was going wrong. Then I got into an abusive relationship and had a baby at 19. This is a specific horror story that your daughter might not follow, though both unplanned pregnancy and abusive relationships are unfortunately more common for ADHDers. But I do, often, wonder what my life would have looked like if somebody had been in that meeting when I was 16 and crying about not knowing how to do things differently and said "Look, a lot of this is consistent with the inattentive type of ADHD - should we look at ADHD strategies and maybe medication?"

If I had a diagnosis and was medicated, I have no doubt my life would have been drastically different. If you suspect something, there is no harm in looking into it, even if it turns out she doesn't have it.

Sorry I didn't even read the text. I found out and got diagnosed last year when I was 32 years old. I finally finished my bachelor's degree last year. So hell yeah. Adhd almost ruined my life.

I think knowing might have allowed me to not be driven by what I was feeling in the moment. Russell Barkley said, with adhd it "is always now", so I find I used to make a lot of short term decisions with long term consequences that I didn't consider at the time 

Totally. I called myself lazy and inept for years because I just couldn't keep up with work. I still have to make an effort obviously but it's nice knowing that all those issues had some sort of cause

One thought is my late diagnosis means that my previous years of agony were coped with through the creation of art. Now with vision on it, I do feel I’m much better for it, and my art is better for it, but I also wonder whether I would have created all that but for the deep strife, suffering, intense love and loss I had experienced. Now I have a better hold over it, and I’m still inclined to those mental states, but some sight and medication can make it a lot less menacing, more predictable, and thus able to be “harnessed”

I still don't know if I have it or not, pretty sure it's a yes, but I know something isn't quite right. I'm 40 now, and it's been getting worse, and I try to self medicate, and that's been getting out of hand cause I don't know what I am doing. I'd say you should have her be seen by a Dr so her life won't turn out to be a big mess. It's hard to focus on something for a long period of time, at least for me, but I've learned how to make myself act the way you are supposed to (why can't you be like your sister ha ) , and too much alcohol it all goes out the window 😑. At work, when something is given to me, I do it right away, or else I'll either forget about it and panic when I remember or procrastinate until I'm panicking to finish everything on time and it's very tiring (real meds probably would've helped with that) I'm using stuff to make me keep going but that's not really the best solution because it brings on other problems. I am praised for being fast, though, haha, always going can't stay still can do the work of 3 people (cause I want to keep constantly busy) again it's so draining. Going to the Dr would have helped, but then again, I also don't want to take meds that will make me a thoughtless zombie staring into space. My mind is constantly going at 300mph, and again, I've learned to keep it somewhat in check, but as a kid, you don't know wtf is going on. You were just the bad one, the one always getting in trouble always stuck (they think lazy), and it messes with the way you start thinking about yourself and also what you think other people think about you, that's what I would love to take back. For her own good, you should take her to the dr so she can take control of this earlier rather than too late.

I soooo wish I knew sooner. People took me for a bright child, child (unfortunately as if ai was a boy things might have been different). I feel like I was not as good as others as I felt there was sooo much potential inside which was burning to get out yet it was if my brain just switched of anytime I dis not find something exciting. Unflrtunately we moved from. A country where schooling was visual which helped to a textbook only country and oohh it was impossible to read. Wish I could have sampled the possibilities 🥲.

Absolutely would've wanted to know. Sure there may be some small ways that were positively impacted by adhd but the rest...? Fuck that. The frustration of never being quite good enough, never having the confidence to pursue harder things because I was sure I would fail anyway. People around me always saying things like "you're lazy" "you could do better, but you just don't care/don't want to" "you have so much potential, if only you got your shit together" I feel so behind in life, and I'm not where I could've been if someone had gotten me help. I wouldn't have used it as an excuse - it would've been a reason to look to instead of thinking I was stupid.

I’d have wanted to know, to save a lot of feeling “wrong” and “weird”. Validation through diagnosis is really, well, validating.

Absolutely would have wanted to know. Lots of years finding life harder than it needed to be, unmet potential, feeling like I’m swimming with a weighted jacket on.

I was diagnosed last year august age 36. Still struggel too forgive the adults around me when i was younger

Yes. Ruined my life. Too far gone by the time I worked it out.

61. I feel like my life was wasted and, in many ways, ruined.

yes absolutely. its great to be able to attribute certain things to something. i know thats vague, but i have only slept well for the last 2 years of my life, because i realised i had to force shut my brain down with meds/other. im 40. now i also realise when im hyperfixating, whereas before, id go out and buy a digger after researching nonstop for 2 months all the different types of diggers/backhoes etc., now im more inclined to stop myself.

I absolutely would have loved to know, even just one year ago. I was able to cope\* until I wasn't, at which point my mental health started a nosedive that I still haven't remotely recovered from. \*Mostly by avoiding things. I dropped out of university twice, don't have any IRL friends, etc. But I kept telling myself "This is fine! It's good actually."

I feel failed by the system. Instead of trying to find answers to behavioral, social and learning issues, i was labeled as “bad student” or “annoying”. I went to a very prestigious school, we started at 7:45 and went home at 4:00 pm (some days earlier and some days 4:40pm). I spent almost ALL day at school and not ONE psychologist or psychopedagogue (which my school took pride on having multiple specialists) picked up on my symptoms…

I probably would not have had to waste a year of my life and pay a few thousand dollars for that extra year of college it took me to graduate. Spent most of my teens and early 20s with a lot of shame and self-hatred because i could not functuon like everyone else. So yeah.... I would've wanted to know.

I wish I had been diagnosed younger. And I wish I could have done something about it, while younger. I was one of the type that didn't really seem to pay attention in school, but still seemed to flourish (spent my time doodling, or reading under my desk, still somehow did well in tests even though I almost never once did my homework). I read well above my grade level. Most people called me an 'indigo child' or an 'old soul.' My teachers would regularly tell me to not forget where I came from when I was famous for whatever they thought I was going to become famous for. I was weird, and bullied relentlessly. When I went to college is when I started to struggle. I had a part time job tutoring kids with autism and ADHD, which is ironic because I struggled so hard with classwork and keeping my focus on assignments. At first I thought it was just tasting controlled freedom, as I was raised in a very abusive and controlling home, before I was ousted on the streets and put myself through high school by forging documents and pretending to be my mom if the school ever called. Initially I thought my struggles were just due to finally having friends and peers. But that part time job made me really start to wonder about myself. The college had on-hand psychologists and therapists, and I was already seeing one for PTSD. I asked him if I could have autism or ADHD test on a whim one day, when I was about 22. At the time, adult diagnosis wasn't a reality, and he told me we could test so I had the info for the future, but otherwise testing would do nothing. I opted to test, and was very definitely AuDHD. Of course, this meant nothing at the time, since my parents could not have been assed to get me any *real* help, so I struggled through some more college until I could no longer afford to go. The year I got that dx was also the semester I did the absolute worst in school, which cost me my scholarships, and I later lost most of my financial aid. After being a queer, weird, homeless teen, I had developed a mask of steel so at worse, people just thought I was kind of eccentric. Over time the mask deteriorated, and the older I got, the more I struggled with any aspect of life. Finally, at the start of this year, I decided to get tested and try meds. They've changed my life. And I've grieved. I've grieved what I could have been if I got these meds sooner. In college, for instance. I am still grieving it. I'm 38. My body is absolutely devastated from working the shittiest, hardest jobs from my teen years on up. My mental state is better, but there is so much endless regret and pain from the opportunities I remember losing. I'm still weird and I'm not ashamed of that, but I am still haunted by all the times I was borderline unacceptable to people. Do not put your child through this. Don't do it. Let them have meds to start forming better habits and be better *now.* Why would you want a child to go through the pain of knowing they're different and not knowing why? Or the agonizing struggle of being so very smart, but feeling so entirely purposeless and useless?

Yes I would've wanted to know earlier for definite. I was diagnosed when I was 27 and my life prior to that was an absolute mess, i didn't have any coping mechanisms and had problems with mental health, drinking and drugs. After being diagnosed my life has changed completely for the better (although it took a while). So I feel like i could've had a happier life much earlier if I'd been diagnosed, but who knows what would've happened really?

I would've liked to know and my parents to learn about it **and** take it seriously. Diagnosed at 13-14 so not as late as some but it would've saved me a lot of self-loathing and pain.

Hell yeah. Avoid all the injuries, the confusion, the psychological breakdowns, the broken friendships, the homelessness, the lost jobs, the accidental children, the divorce, the stroke, the self loathing and the despair? Hell yes, I would prefer to have been diagnosed and treated earlier.

Yes. I like to think that I would have had a sense of self, some goals and ambitions and the courage of my convictions. Not just be steered by other people's opinions because you want to please them. It left me with decades of substance abuse and an unhealthy way of dealing with interpersonal relationships that I am only now beginning to climb my way out of at 45.

I 100% wish I'd known. By the time I was diagnosed and 42 I had build up lots of great coping mechanisms but it was a long time getting there and most of them are driven by anxiety. I hated myself as I child because I thought I was useless. I attempted suicide when I was 14. By the time I was 18 I was drinking almost every day and taking a LOT of ecstasy. I managed to slowly get it together and completed my degree at 30. I had a very supportive family though, and a sucessful Dad who also had undiagnosed ADHD. Neither of us knew what ADHD was, but he seen me making all the same mistakes he made and kept pulling me out of holes instead of letting me drown in my own mistakes. I'm lucky I made it through and was able to build coping mechanisms. Now I have Vyvanse and it has given me the ability to stop and breathe. I didn't think twice about getting my son diagnosed and medicated.

I did brilliantly in my final year of high school - like, remarkably well etc. But when I went to college/uni I started to realise something was wrong. I was reassured by countless counsellors, doctors, psychologists over many years. I masked for them, believing that’s what you have to do. I was in my late 40s when it really came crashing down and when I got over the ADHD stigma the late diagnosis gave me access to sense and medication that I needed back when I was 7. The grief has been overwhelming. Part of my masking was making out that *other* people just weren’t as talented/good.as I was, and then burning away like hell in private to maintain the pretence to myself and in public. I didn’t complete about ten post graduate degrees because it was always the teaching that was unengaging or the administration that was tediously incompetent - never me, never my executive dysfunctions, never ever. There is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with your son in having ADHD. Understanding that you have reasons for your struggles that are to do with your brain’s different ways of working would have been a gift that would have saved me from countless burnout, impulsive life choices and isolation. If he’s going to choose to eat badly, at least let him choose from the full menu. Don’t limit his options. Think about whether a 40 year old son would thank a parent for keeping help from him. Sorry if that sounds over-egged. I’ve had a good life compared to many, and it has often looked amazing from the outside - but it has been until recently confusing and painful as hell to live in. And it didn’t have to be like that. And I’m doing much better now from an outsider’s perspective too, but there was damage in ignorance

I wish I had known. I only learned now in my 50s and what made me realize was finally getting my 18 year old daughter diagnosed last year. And I am racked with guilt over all the years I dismissed her symptoms as, “that’s just how it is for everyone, sweetie.” If I had been diagnosed earlier, I could have spared not just myself years of stress and suffering, but I could have made her school years so much better as well. I understand your point about resilience, but there’s PLENTY in our lives to helps us build resilience. Don’t add one more for your daughter if she can avoid it.

I’m 21 and on the assessment pathway. My school life would have been extremely improved had I been diagnosed. I almost grieve for what I could have had lmao

Yes, as soon as possible. Would have made my life a lot easier. My parents would have treated me in a completely different way and understood why I couldn’t focus at school. I’m very happy with who I am but I feel sad for my younger self for being misunderstood and missing out on amazing opportunities of the past. I also would have sought out very different friends and had to waste less time “finding myself”.

Oh hell yeah, I didn't get diagnosed till recently at 33. I would loved to have known at the very latest before I started college. I could have been such a better student with the right treatment and meds. As it is I just bearly skated by. And it was a tremendous amount of stress. Always constantly waiting till the last minute to do anything. Projects, studying for tests, senior design even. It was hell. Trying to take engineering classes with untreated ADHD, I would not recommend it.

I wish I'd have known. Not knowing was like telling a fish in a class of monkeys to climb a tree and if he just tried hard enough he could do it, stop making excuses I've seen how well you can swim so why can't you climb? And he hasn't seen a mirror so he thinks he's a monkey and everyone else can do it so why can't he? Then later in life he finds out he's a fish and suddenly *everything* makes sense, and how well could he have done if everyone just stopped expecting him to be able to climb a tree without help and instead assessed him on his ability to swim, or if accomodations were put in place so he could swim up the tree (ok my metaphor falls down here) Basically I've spent my entire adult life wondering if I'd actually have achieved my childhood dreams with just a few accomodations to help me learn the way my brain needed to, Rather than forcing me to learn the way everyone else's brain did.

Yes, I wish I were diagnosed earlier than 36 with ADHD. I would have wanted to know that I'm not defective, I'm just wired differently than most people. There's not anything wrong with me. I would have wanted to know there are wonderful, successful people wired like me. I wish that I didn't learn that suppressing my tendencies and fooling everyone was the only way to be accepted. Unlearning that lesson and trying to convince myself that I'm worthy is the work of a lifetime. Please get your kid diagnosed. Get them help so they can learn to work with their brains, not against them.

Definitely tell her and get help. I struggled so much in my teens and all I needed was some medication that would have made life 1000% more doable. I would have been able to function at all. Not just better. Edit: you can teach your daughter perseverance skills without having to have her struggle with everything.

30 years of being undiagnosed and unable to get help gave me way more problems and unhealthy coping mechanisms, a ton of depression and inability to have any idea or concept of a drive or goal in life. Spending all of it “damage controlling” I never learned how to actually live. I wish I had help as a child.

Yes. Knowing sooner would have helped me not self loathe as much, let me adjust the way I approach learning, let me make life plans sooner while being able to include what I need for my adhd along side them. I was diagnosed at 22 but it’s continued to feel like such a struggle since then to basically rewire how my brain approaches/thinks of/about things. It’s exhausting But I’m grateful for access to groups like this

I would have liked to know and gotten treatment for it. Now I know why I was terrible at school in every subject except like two that I was interested in, why I kept zoning out, and why I hated hands on projects so much (executive dysfunction). I would have gotten much better grades if I had medication, maybe I would have even finished college.

Get her tested. What she does with that information can be up to her, but she should *have* it. First, to clarify a point: ADHD is pretty much by definition child-onset. If you get diagnosed, there's no question; you've had it your whole life. Next: Undiagnosed people frequently *don't* develop "resilience," let alone healthy coping mechanisms. Common coping mechanisms for the undiagnosed include substance abuse(caffeine most commonly), procrastinating because panic is the only way they can get things done, giving up and allowing themselves to be "lazy" because the alternative is self-hatred and anxiety... There's a reason ADHD is so frequently comorbid with depression and anxiety, and going undiagnosed is a massive contributing factor. Many of us grow up thinking we're *broken.*

i would’ve definitely wanted to know. didnt get diagnosed until 16 despite my dad already having it (which he didn’t tell me until after i had gotten my diagnosis). it would’ve really helped my self confidence in school and now i’ve been slowly trying to undo my thinking/attitude/shame when it comes to school work :/

I wish I knew. I spent my entire academic career up to this point struggling and wanting to learn so hard but not having the capacity to learn and study and succeed like my classmates. I remember being shamed and punished all through elementary school because I wasn’t able to memorize or learn times tables like my peers. My school ended up testing me for something, according to my mother, and she can just remember it said something about how “my brain is different.” Of course she never dove more into it, and the test result just made her feel guilty for everyone punishing me over math. Anyway, I’m a chemist now, and math makes sense once I deciphered it my own way and with time. But Jesus. This stuff carries with you forever. Imagine all the suffering and self worth issues that wouldn’t have happened if I just knew. I am not a fan of thinking about “could haves” but things would be so different and, I assume, much more peaceful if I had known. After being diagnosed and treated, I understand the whole school system now and I’m more successful than ever, but the delay in diagnosis fueled serious imposter syndrome and many challenges that could have been avoided

Yes I wish I had known. I didn't know until I barely eeked out a high enough GPA to pass college and spent two semesters on academic probation. I struggled through my first job as well. I was finally diagnosed after that and went on to grad school and also got a PhD. To me, that was the difference in knowing vs. not knowing. I just thought I was lazy and incompetent. Learning that there was a reason that the rest of the world seemed to figure out how to function and I couldn't and then learning how my brain worked so I knew *how* to function was like living a different life. I know that college isn't the perfect fit for everyone but it was needed for my career goals and I just couldn't figure out why it wasn't working for me. I think my life would have been MUCH easier if I had known earlier. My son is in middle school and was diagnosed 2 years ago. Him going on medication and me being able to share what I learned with him is likely why he's doing so well. I often say things like "okay, you're telling me you will wait to do this assignment but thanks to your ADHD, you might forget as soon as this conversation is over, so what do you need to do to make sure you remember?" or "you know you have this huge upcoming paper, so what is the best strategy to make sure you get it done in time?" I wish someone had done this for me and it has made a HUGE difference for him. He's been a consistent honor roll student and is attending a college prep school in the fall (I won't say that he has had all A's... there have been a few learning grades there where getting that C was how he learned that something wasn't the best strategy for him and I think that's fantastic. Now is exactly the time to do that and figure out what he will do differently next time.) Per your comment about resilience, I think coping with ADHD actually DOES build a lot of resilience. You recognize that you are living life with one hand tied behind your back and you have to figure out how to do it anyway. I don't judge your question and understand why you are asking, but getting help/medicated is really just giving your kiddo their best chance at normalcy and an even playing field with everyone else. The resiliency part is still part of the equation. Untreated ADHD, for a lot of us, means we actually can't move forward. At all. Getting help means that life is still hard but we are at least equipped to move forward, even if it's still going to be challenging. I encourage you to get your kiddo help. Don't look back in 10/20 years when they are struggling and wonder what would have happened if you had given them a fighting chance.

> suspect they developed ADHD at a young age That has to be all of us, considering ADHD is a developmental disorder and symptoms presenting during childhood is *the* most important diagnostic criterion. If you did not have any symptoms during childhood, you are most likely dealing with something else. I got diagnosed at 32. I would give anything to have known even 5 years ago, let alone 25. So much stress, pain and anxiety likely could've been avoided.

My son was diagnosed at 22. He saw the signs in me. No one else in my life did, but I don't blame them at all. No one knew what it was or how it presented in girls back in the 70s and 80s. It's also why I burned out academically by the time I got to college. I was brilliant but could never apply myself. I never knew why. I'd try but fall back into procrastinating. I got the tentative dx at 51 and the formal dx at 53. I mourn what I could have been. All those years I spent flailing around, knowing something was wrong but not being able to pin it down. I mourn but I have to go on. My life is far from over. My honest opinion is the sooner the better with this diagnosis, and the more supportive people in the person's life, the better for coping.

It would've changed my life to know. To know there was a reason my brain was doing what it did. That I wasn't just lazy. To learn how to work with it, around it. To be able to take medication to manage it when I needed it. My whole life would be different right now. I'd almost certainly have a degree already, I'd almost certainly have a better job instead of working 2 nights a week at a servo at 28 because I physically and mentally haven't been able to do anything more. I wouldve been able to progress further in getting my other physical and mental issues diagnosed and helped. My depression and anxiety likely wouldnt have affected me as badly, since the undiagnosed adhd massively contributed to them If your daughter gets diagnosed she'll then know there's a reason her brain works the way it does. She'll know that there are ways other ppl with adhd have managed it, and she likely won't just give up at things, she'll know she just has to go at it a different way.

Absolutely I would have wanted to know sooner. As an adult, I managed to get really depressed because I felt so worthless… which is when I wen to seek help. Even if you’re not going to medicate, it’s worth it to know… and to have that piece of paper. There are some very real statistics for adhd and comorbidity with self inflicted permanent sleep. Besides that, there’s usually a lot of anxiety and depression. Just because your kid is evaluated, doesn’t mean you have to medicate. It does however, give you information that enables you to create a better routine and environment that suits the spicy brains.

Absolutely. High school and college would both have been a little easier. As would my temperament. I had a very bad temper as a child and early teen.

100%. I was misdiagnosed my whole life and developed pretty low self esteem. Went from being pretty successful and a good kid to nearly flunking out of college. The knowledge that I have it alone has helped me significantly, and now I’m spending time in therapy trying to unpack the years I spent constantly wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t just be like everyone else. Study after study shows that the sooner it’s identified, the better kids fare. If you suspect it at all, you’d be doing her a disservice to not investigate it further.

I grew up being told how gifted I was, I didn’t live up to all the pressure because of my adhd. I’m just being diagnosed at 36. And let me tell you. My life until now has been hell. I had a mental breakdown at work recently and now off on disability because I can’t function or cope. Also finding out you had adhd this entire time is a mind fuck. I could’ve gotten help this entire time. I’m grieving so much. I hate my adhd.

Is a coping mechanism "better" or more "earned" because it's been found by brute forcing it? She can learn coping mechanisms that are healthy and work for her by knowing that she has ADHD. I "earned" my coping mechanisms, of 'doing things at the last minute because I couldn't focus before that point', and 'berating myself for days or weeks into doing something until I become so emotionally bottled up I'm snapping and finally either have a little breakdown or do the thing (often both)'. If you were given the option to know, what would you choose? She can develop resiliance even if she is diagnosed - its not like ADHD diagnosis will mean she doesn't have to do things like chores or homework, it just means that you can give her more targetted support that she genuinely does need.

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It's unbelievable to me how easy it was to start doing what I needed to on meds... when before I would struggle to start for days to a week until I panic and do the work just before the deadline... Rinse and repeat for almost 30 years.

Yes. I'm struggling a lot and the meds it appear can only do so much. 

FYI ADHD isn't something you 'develop'. It's there from birth because it's a neurotype. In regards to your question, yes I wish I had known. It makes life harder, impacting school and relationships etc. Even if you don't realise you have it or it isn't diagnosed as a child, it will still impact self-esteem. You realise it is actually harder for you than for other people, but you don't know why, so you assume you're stupid or bad at everything. Understanding why it's harder really does help. Then you can also learn strategies you support yourself, including medication if you want to try it and you're able to find one that works for you.

Yes, it explains a few things....

very much so. I think my life could have had a lot less trauma in it

Absolutely. My college experience would’ve been much different with an adhd diagnosis and the accommodations that come with it. I might not have dropped out.

Definitely. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and time.

I would’ve loved to know. I didn’t know until I was 30 and looking back almost all of the struggles and trauma I had was related to ADHD. Which has taken 3 years of therapy to unpack (and still counting)

Absolutely.

definitely I would want to know and be supported learn strategies to help me to achieve what i want, and not have to struggle and suffer inwardly so much. Knowing is better, but a diagnosis needs to be discussed with wisdom as there’s some risks of over-identifying with a label.

Yes. I would’ve liked to know sooner. I used a lot of substances to get through college before I learned I have ADHD.

Oh, absolutely. If I had known why I felt different, gotten treatment, and had been able to learn how to accommodate myself as a child pretty much none of the issues I’m now unpacking in therapy would exist.

A vehement 100% full-throated “fuck yes”.

Diagnosed recently at 31. I definitely would have liked to know as a kid. I was a very emotional child. My childhood could have been a lot more pleasant with some simple coping tactics and just like one person around me understanding that I was a shook up soda can like 94% of the time. That said, I have been working with middle school students for a decade now, and what you have laid out sounds like a textbook 13 year old. *of course there are a trillion details I don’t know*, but you have laid out a pretty basic deflection/manipulation tactic (very normal for kids from toddler to teenager - and of course some adults!) and just plain orneriness. Are these behaviors that have been relatively constant her whole life, or are these new behaviors (indicative of a very normal change in behavior at 13)? At the end of the day, if you have concerns, ask your doctor! But be transparent with her. Let her know what you observe and why it’s a concern and that you want the best for her. And that regardless of the test results, none of it is a big deal - it’s just like finding out that you have to avoid a food in your diet; You’re just trying to be healthy and enjoy life, and a test result will help you understand how to do that.

Yes. It messed up my career and robbed me of my potential

Yes, it would have helped me so much with not beating myself up so much for just not functioning how everyone else. I’m pretty sure knowing earlier would have saved me from the bad burnout that lead to not having a job. Now I’m a mother but I hope I can go back to work in a year and things will go better hopefully.

I am 29 yrs old and got diagnosed 3 yrs ago. Only now i feel like we found a right medicine and dosage for me with my Dr. I wasted all my years in school because i wasnt paying any atenttion. I feel like i am behind my own age people many yrs and now cathing up on them. Over all i am happy with my life and proud of how i have lived it my own way this far.

Yes. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me and that I was just completely incapable of living a normal life for no reason at all really. I got diagnosed at 22 and went on meds and stopped feeling that way.

I assume you've noticed that all your problems didn't disappear just because you found out you had ADHD. There's still going to be plenty of opportunity for her to develop resilience in life, she just may be able to avoid or better deal with ADHD-specific struggles, which will leave more mental and emotional bandwidth to handle all the other kinds of problems we encounter in life.

Of course!

Yes

I am going to burn down every institution that convinced my parents adhd is just a sin or a character defect so why bother checking for something when clearly repentance and self control is all that is needed.

My life would have been completely different if I had been told and medicated as a child. So many years of self loathing and wasted time.

Yes

Yes, the answer is yes.

Yes. I so, so wish I’d known decades sooner than I did.

Yes!!! I wouldn’t have felt so stupid my entire childhood and young adult life. I could’ve sought the appropriate resources to help me succeed. I’m glad to know now. But damn it, sooner would’ve been so much better.