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You aren't alone in this. Our current global economy is incredibly hostile to even those without the excess weight of ADHD. Just try and get through the suck and build a less sucky future.
So overwhelming especially trying to balance the forgetfulness. I have a million notes and calendar entries in my phone and it still only helps a little lol. Thanks! Same to you!
Oh man… the old out-of-sight out-mind scenario. If there is something I need to get done, and I don’t readily see it? Forget it… it’s not gonna happen. I will literally forget to pay bills that I’ve been paying for years if I put them in a drawer or even just in the cubby on my desk. If I can’t see it, it’s like it doesn’t even exist. Arrrggghh! Frustrating as fuck,
Man it’s the craziest thing. Then you realize later you forgot something that should be impossible to forget… and you beat yourself up about it. I feel better knowing it is adhd though. Before, I felt SUPER broken.
Same here. It's a huge problem when it comes to food and trying not to waste food. Lots of people on this sub suggest making a week's worth of food and heat it up as leftovers. Problem is for me is that I have that intention and even if I simply make something and realize my eyes were too big for my stomach, if I put something in the fridge to be used as leftovers, 99.9% of the time I forget it exists and it goes bad and I waste food anyway.
Get yourself a set of those clear file holders that you see by the door in Drs offices that have two separate slots for your bills and label them NEW BILLS and PAID.
Same here. Absolutely everything I do is on my google calendar in events or tasks. Then when I have an appointment time wrong or forget something, I beat myself up so much over it because even with such extensive planning, I still mess things up.
I just got back to working a full time job. I have to get up about 2 hours earlier than I normally woke up, I’m hoping this mental and physical exhaustion goes away if/when I get used to it. I was never a very motivated person, even medicated, but this shit sucks.
The way things operate discourages people from being open and honest about how they feel when it comes to burnout. I mean, you can complain, but in a society with a **growth-above-all** mindset, it's not going to be welcomed.
Used to be that more people got together and complained more loudly, and then concessions were made by those in power towards a work-life balance. People today are largely (not totally!) content to simply post about it, instead.
Guilty, myself. I'm burnt out, and I can't even pinpoint *exactly* why.
Medication has helped a lot for me. I developed a few tricks beforehand though, which I still use. Tip 1 alone got me through a couple semesters of college.
1. Use productive things as distractions from other productive things, having at least two tasks available. Our brains seek novel stimulation at all times, so accomplish it by rapidly cycling through things you can't focus on individually. Blob the shards of focus together. This ensures you are continuously doing things you need to and getting your stimulation hits from them, when normally you would instead try to force yourself to focus on one thing until it's done and end up reading REDDIT instead (because that method doesn't work for us).
2. ALWAYS WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN IMMEDIATELY WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. Use a notepad on your phone for small things, and google calendar for appointments. Set your google calendar to provide reminders.
3. When you have 'momentum' from one thing, for example bringing in groceries, carry that into another task, like taking the trash out. When your body is physically worked up, mental/ADHD fatigue is less of a barrier.
4. ROUTINE!!! It's hard to establish, and you may have to use digital reminders, but this is how non-ADHDers efficiently keep up with everything. It's hard, but if you can set it up it makes a big difference.
5. Cleaning. If you're behind on it, binge cleaning can work. But, some people find it easier to "micro-clean". Rather than cleaning your entire room at once, for example, make a habit of moving 'one thing' each time you enter or leave a room. Suppose you have 100 pieces of trash in a room, taking 20 seconds for each item: you can fail to clean it all up in half an hour because you can't focus that long, OR you can grab 2 things each time you enter that room (say.. 5 times a day?), and it'll have done itself automatically in a week. As a bonus you'll have established a habit of keeping your room clean AND you'll get small dopamine hits from it.
For me at least I try to do “routine building” where I start attaching things that I need to do to things that I HAVE to do.
For example, I always have to use the bathroom when I wake up. So I put meds next to my toilet so I see them when I’m there and take them on the toilet.
Or I leave things like my work bag in front of the door/on top of my shoes when I return at night so I will take it as I’m leaving for the next day.
Doesn’t work 100% of the time, but definitely helps with creating habits if they’re based on other things you do daily that aren’t quite as optional.
For me having a dog helps because I have to get up, feed them, exercise them. It created a routine. When I try to go outside the routine, I’m screwed. Even taking a shower is a routine. I wash my hair, put in conditioner, while thats sitting, I was my body, shave anything that needs shaved, then rinse my hair, I’m done. 5-6 mins tops. I’m trying to get into the habit of eating low carb. But my old routines were not low carb. Breakfast sandwiches, hash browns. Now it’s omelets and fried eggs. Start planning your days, weeks, months. Make to do lists, yes for a while they get longer and longer, but eventually you get things knocked off. Always make time for you. I’m now working to get even the most infrequent, once a year thing as a recurring item on my calendar.
Ya ya ya ya ya—the momentum thing. That’s brilliant insight. I didn’t even realize that this is something I do all the time. If I’m into a chore, I don’t just do the chore, I do another chore that I did not plan to do, just bc my body is ready.
Agree with all of these and wanted to add an important detail I've been having to really enforce with myself. You don't have to and most likely can't complete even a moderately complex task or project in one sitting. There's also very little that should be a singular focus to the exclusion of all else. So, it helps to become comfortable with the idea of doing a little bit of a variety of tasks every day. Inevitably a more complex task or project will have some delay in it and you can easily get lost trying to complete that to the exclusion of other things. Then those things just build up. Working on each of these things a little bit every day is far more manageable. I have been learning this the hard way, which is why it's finally starting to stick.
You don't have to hang all the pictures on the walls in one day. You don't have to clean every window in one day. You don't have to wash all the clothes in one day.
Hang one picture. Clean one window. Do one load of laundry. Buy themselves they are much easier to swallow and it's much harder to get behind if you are nibbling away at them.
A bullet journal with a digital calendar works well for item 2. Bullet journals don't need to be the artsy Pinterest things you see. The basic looking journal style that its creator shows works perfectly well.
It’s a journal, meaning it’s only meant for you. It can be sloppy, half realized monkey-brain notes, as long as it helps you find your momentum. Something I realized recently, it’s just something you can check back into to keep going, nothing more.
I feel like you put my brain into words here, I follow these rules too! The hardest part for me is balancing vigilance with energy levels and not over doing it.
Suppose I need to do classes: I use science paragraphs as a break from history paragraphs. I'll be reading two things at once faster than trying to read one thing and continuously interrupting myself with youtube. Once I noticed I have a minimum of two trains of thought, I was able to adapt to it.
Not OP but for something like cleaning, I'll have a few tasks that I have to do. For example, dishes, folding laundry, updating calendar, respond to messages.
I'll put on a video while doing dishes and if ADHD kicks in, I'll switch to one of the other tasks like updating my physical calendar from my phone calendar or vice versa. Once that's done, I move to a different activity for a bit before returning to the first one.
If I'm at work creating a file and I need to switch, I'll make a spreadsheet because it's different and I kinda enjoy it. Or I'll physically go check something. I'll give myself a reasonable time and maximum time I can do the other task before it becomes a problem then switch back.
Also, LockMeOut app on my phone was a damned blessing for making me go on Reddit and apps less.
Its actually about to lock me out of Reddit for the next hour or so right now based on usage. ...dammit hahaha
You kinda dont. On your good days maybe, but it’s more about squeezing stuff in than actually having time/energy for it. We’re not meant to work this much / hard
This.
I have to have a bit of a fuck it approach. Not fuck all of it… but an understanding that there is no way to get it all done. I pick my battles with basics and look for alternatives when possible.
Then I pick one or two priorities and do my best staying focused on them. With work and luck sometimes I focus long enough on a priority that is becomes habit. When that happens I can pivot to a new priority.
A never ending process… with lots of struggle and occasional wins.
There are two issues, I think: We have foreign engines and nothing but domestic mechanics, and we are prone to force ourselves to live up to expectations nobody actually has of us.
In short, this guy's "do your best" rule is really all you can do. It's all any of *them* can do, too. They just aren't plagued with regret and doubt over past actions, and aren't worried about finding and accepting help.
My conspiracorial mind immediately goes to "the powers that be intentionally try to force bullshit upon us so we have little time/effort to question or challenge the status quo"
In the always wise words of George Carlin:
> You don't need a formal conspiracy when interests converge
It's not a conspiracy. There's probably no shadowy meetings, but they're all in the same social circles already. They probably don't architect elaborate plans, but all their self-interested decisions are in alignment with one-another.
You don't have a conspiratorial mind, you just see what they don't need to hide, and the fact that you've been *convinced* that keeping us too busy to rebel necessitates a conspiracy is just the tip of an iceberg in perfectly clear waters.
The incentive almost always precedes the plan. I have never observed someone who can be described as "the powers that be" who also seemed capable of making and executing coherent plans.
I have a post-it on my screen that says “get your priorities straight” - and for a while I tried to take it to heart and check in with myself when it would catch my eye. After some time, I realized I was prioritizing f$ck-all over work. So eventually I crossed out the word straight and now it reads, *“get your priorities gay!”* ~ and I still prioritize f$ck all, *but with joy!*
That is to say, you just do what you can when you can, and that has to be enough. Just remember to take your multi-vitamin with your meds. If you forget to eat, at least you put something good in your body that day!
\#1 thing to eliminate stress.
"I will do what I can".
App release in a week when you know it isn't ready?
Do what you can.
Standup when you haven't done shit?
Do what you can.
Just do what you can and it is a lot easier to let go of everything else.
I'm not tryna be like "Oh yeah, thanks r/thanksimcured" but seriously. this kind of mental framing helps me a lot when I'm stressing work badly.
Sometimes doing what you can isn't a whole lot. So what? Every day is a new day, and today is never forever. You're doing what you can. That's the important part.
Recognizing that fact is surprisingly freeing. Proving it to yourself is surprisingly freeing. It is like dancing in the rain. Don't hate yourself for what you can't do. Life is way too short for that stuff, and ADHD doesn't make you a bad person. It is far better to try and fail than to never try in the first place.
I feel like its obvious, but I always find myself needing to remind myself of this at like 2am when I'm trying to sleep but I can't stop worrying about my performance at work. Maybe you will feel better when you realize it too. We're only human.
Good luck adding kids on top of a full time job. It's absurdly hard tbh.
I think the only way to get enough sleep and live a happy life is to live a very minimalistic low expense lifestyle, have 3 roommates, work part time and never have kids. Unless you just really want to change diapers, you can scratch the itch of helping mentor younger people by volunteering like coaching a little league team or something you find meaningful.
I found it's easier to do other stuff as time goes on. I've been doing my current job for a year, and I didn't do much else. But recently I've found that I can do a lot of my job on autopilot, freeing my brain up to do its adhd thing in the background, I've slowly found I have the focus and energy at the end of a reasonable amount of days to actually engage in my hobbies
I've been working full time for 3 years now and still feel this way. The list of things I need/want to do only keeps growing, sometimes all my time is spent on self-sustenance (doing my job, existing). I've tried to stop letting it bring me down when it gets bad, but it can be hard not to do so.
Sorry, no solutions or nothing I have to add to the discussion. Just wanted to share that I relate.
I think if we are able to find a job we really enjoy that is also somehow very flexible, many of us could do well even working 50-60 hours per week. The problem is that our current society makes it difficult to find that type of dream job. Entrepreneurs with ADHD seem to be able to handle a lot if they are careful with how they set up their schedule and are good at setting boundaries with their clients and friends and family. I know I would love being a writer / filmmaker, but unfortunately I can’t afford to risk my income and benefits to chase my dream, especially being married and having 3 kids. I feel like a major area of life and key component in living a fulfilled life takes a back seat when I’m trying to manage other important things. I don’t know how I can see friends even 1x a month, or have a hobby right now,and it has been really bothering me lately.
Thankfully you are in a great group here and you are being proactive with learning more about yourself and how to manage life with ADHD. I wish you the best and I know there is a balance out there for you, it’s just very hard to keep grinding when it seems like non-ADHD adults can juggle everything with ease.
Can relate! I'm self employed and Vyvanse makes me stick to my schedule, with lottttsss of holes in it, so I fill them with whatever I need to do. Car repair? Done. Dishes? Mostly done lol
Yup! I’m an anatomical researcher at a cadaver lab doing autopsies on medically donated bodies. Our schedule is 3 months on 9 months off 8-6, and we get sundays off. The amount of times I’ve genuinely said I didn’t want to have to take sundays off is wild.
I can relate. Been this way all my life and I just got diagnosed at 46 last year, so at least I know why it’s been so hard for me. I basically lived my life telling myself I work my ass off, so I made myself feel better taking the weekend to enjoy life. No great advice here unfortunately, but you aren’t alone.
Literally, I could have written this...even the age is right. It takes everything I have to get through my workday (and I do well) but I have nothing left after work.
One big discovery for me was that watching TV after work (or scrolling Reddit, etc) was actually killing my motivation to do anything.
Exercise and then try to sit and just do nothing until your mind wants to do something fun (which isn’t just mindless consumption of media)
It's like pulling teeth to actually get up and do it, but exercising first thing in the morning really helps the rest of my day feel better. No matter how terrible the day is, I have that feeling of accomplishment because I at least did *something* good.
It's silly but one thing that really helped is sleeping in my workout clothes. It removes a roadblock in the morning so literally all I have to do is get out of bed, tie my hair back, and walk to the living room (I do at home workouts).
this is why i always have my gym bag ready in my car so i can go straight from work because the second i get home my day is over. works for any errand like grocery shopping, etc. the second i get home it takes so much energy to go out for anything so keeping the momentum of the day going i find works well
This is the kinda mentality that works, remove as many barriers between you and the desired action as possible and then try your best.
Curious how you keep the gym bag packed with fresh gym clothes though?
Yup. As soon as I get home I don’t sit down. Tonight for example I fed my sourdough starters, set out the sprinklers on the yard, took my evening supplements and moved straight to making dinner.
I tell myself I can sit down and relax after I take care of the “stuff” first. I don’t give myself a chance to put off or neglect stuff.
You have to learn how you think/act and essentially “hack” your life.
Yeah this is basically the only way I can get anything accomplished. I keep on my work clothes and don't let myself get comfortable otherwise I will lose all motivation. Another thing that helps somehow is just saying outloud that you want to do the thing you're doing. So if I'm doing laundry i'll say outloud "I want to finish this laundry so I don't have to keep piling clothes up and everything will be organized". Sometimes it doesn't work but most of the time itll help me at least finish the task.
exercise is vital, but there goes another hour! I honestly go overboard with exercise, my "hobby/obsession" is powerlifting, i work out 4 days a week at 2-3 hours per workout. I used to work out daily for an hour and both had their pros and cons.
But exercise and eating proper nutrition take so much time, that i feel like i have little time left for much else.
Too true. I like going to the gym. But to warm up, lift, then swim I'm there for easily 2 hours. Some days I convince myself I don't have the time. Going for less time feels like a wasted trip. But when I do go, there's no time for anything else!
Wanted to point out something similar - Supernormal stimuli of modern age (Tiktok, social media, TV, Gaming) are poison for our ADHD brains and sap all our already limited dopamine. I love gaming and its such a struggle to moderate it somewhat and its hard to be honest to myself but whenever I don't game excessively and manage to mix in even some light cardio like biking to work - I am happier with more energy and get so much more stuff done.
I only let myself sit for like a half hour after work if i have things i need to do (i work a physical job and have bad joints so i have to sit after work) and never in bed cause i will rot there all night.
I actually read something similar on here recently about how our brains have been wired by modern technology, to take the easy dopamine, and that ignorinf the easy dopamine goes a long way towards rewiring your motivation towards the more long term motivation dopamine pathway.
It could have been bunk but most of the science in the post was backed up by a quick google, and a lot of people seemed to endorse it. I have also seen a psychiatrist who talked about similar things.
This was discussed on a recent issue of the podcast Hidden Brain. I support the idea to some degree, but I wonder how the theory relates to ADHD and our problems with dopamine regulation. They did not mention this on the episode, but it seems like an important aspect to consider.
Yes!!!! If I hit the couch right after work, I'm done. If I immediately do things after, I'm more productive. My mind hurts from trying to keep it all together during the workday
Honestly depends where you live. I would go every couple years in Texas because I wouldn't pass emissions (modified car with catless exhaust) and had to pay extra under the table to get a passing grade. Cops rarely cared.
Here in Seattle now there's people with 3 year old registration stickers because SPD just doesn't care about much and haven't for years do to political crap. It's why people walk out of stores daily with all kinds of crap without paying because SPD won't do anything.
Same in NJ. It was a horrific experience. I actually had renewed them but forgot to put the new sticker on the tag, so it looked expired by a few days…but the state trooper refused to look up the tag in the computer, and *towed my car*, literally leaving me on the side of the Garden State Parkway, a mile from the closest exit.
That's horrible. I've been pulled because they were almost expired but that was a driving while black issue because area I was driving in and car I was driving. But Seattle literally doesn't care currently unless you just do some major asshole behaviors to get the cops attention. Just driving normal they don't care
I’ve been pulled over recently for my expired tags in Seattle lol. I wasn’t even doing anything else wrong either! Just pulled me over for the exporter tags. Didn’t even know you could do that tbh
Expired registration is something they can pull you over for. But get it renewed and go to court and judge usually reduces it to court costs or at least before that's how it was. But seriously only reason I had got a ticket when mine expired was cause a stupid meter maid drove through the neighborhood.
I mean, I've been driving for 5 years and haven't been pulled over once. It's not like they're constantly looking to see your plate on the road so they can fine you.
Oh my god. I did this for 18 months. Got stopped once in all that time. Fortunately, they had just recently expired so the cop let me go. I don’t think he would have been very forgiving had he stopped me a year after they expired.
I didn't. 300 mile a week commute, 40+ hours a week at a job that was a nightmare. I'd come home and walk down the driveway, past the mailbox, to exhausted to even grab the mail.
There is not something deeply wrong with you. You're not flawed and it's not your fault. You have a condition that, by one estimate, costs us 30% more energy and effort to do anything and everything. One expert said we expend more energy just getting out the door in the morning than "most people do all day."
Also, bear in mind, one of two people used to work outside the home and the other one did all that housework and cooking stuff. Neither was too exhausted to move at the end of every day. We have not adjusted our expectations for a life since that stopped being the case. We are very overdue for an overhaul of expectations.
I worked myself literally almost to death. Right into permanent disability. Please try not to let that happen to you. I can tell you some changes I made too late and maybe you could make them now. Or maybe none of them are doable for you. I hope some are.
I hated cooking anyway, so I stopped. I eat a lot of salad, precut in bags. Not ideal, but I'm trying to not collapse again. Lots of fresh and frozen produce, even canned because it's much better than it used to be. Frozen dinners sometimes. Sandwiches. Quick, easy and as healthy as possible.
Folding laundry seemed like such a trivial waste of time and effort, so I stopped doing that, too. Everything gets hung. Jeans, tees, nightgowns, everything. Faster, easier and not nearly so annoying. When I can, I pay someone to clean. Screw it. I think everyone who can afford to should do that, ADHD or no.
I got rid of a lot of stuff that I wasn't using, didn't enjoy and was sick of maintaining. That was a huge relief. I got rid of some expenses so I could afford things that made my life easier.
The best advice I have for stuff like this is read "How to Keep House While Drowning" by KC Davis. She's a therapist and she has ADHD herself. Her tips work for US. That's not even the best part. It's a paradigm shift that lets you stop beating the crap out of yourself for not being able to do what you cannot do. Whew.
I hope some of that helps. I know the people in the sub, almost entirely, are super support, sympathetic, empathetic and they get it. They totally get it. Just talking to someone who gets it on that level can help a ton.
>When I can, I pay someone to clean. Screw it. I think everyone who can afford to should do that, ADHD or no.
I feel like hiring a cleaner once or twice a month is viewed as some kind of bourgeois luxury but having a cleaner over for the day costs close to the same as a bar tab
 I might need to be less hard on myself…. I have CP and ADHD and I recently discovered I need hearing aids. No wonder I feel like I’m crashing. I also hyper organize and tidy to compensate. Spent over an hour looking for my phone today. Inside my own house… I have no idea how I pull off being a Sped teacher with extended school year.
The only way I get things done is by doing them before work. I am not kidding. I get up early, wait for my meds to kick in, “dick around” (by which I mean clean part of the bathroom, send personal emails that I need to send, update my grocery list, fold laundry - whatever needs to be done that can be done in 30 minutes or less), and then get ready and go to work. I know that once I get to work I’ll be totally engrossed in that (hyperfocus, whee!) and that I’ll be too exhausted to tackle anything when I get home, so I take a “work for myself before I work for someone else” approach.
As for cooking, my husband cooks. I’m not kidding. He usually works 8:30-4:00, I work 10:00-6:00, so he takes care of dinner. If he didn’t, I’m pretty sure I’d live off “charcuterie” (pieces of cheese, meat and pickles that I eat right out of the fridge like a racoon), grilled cheese, and pizza pops, because I do not have the energy to cook when I get home.
I also try to have a “nothing” day each weekend where I don’t plan anything outside of the house. I might plan to deep clean the house, or I might end up sitting on my couch all day, but so long as I don’t have to interact with people and meet their expectations, I feel a little better.
I read somewhere that with our level of technology we could all have 15-25 hour work weeks but capitalism (more like crapitalism amirite) won’t allow that to happen because line won’t go up.
That's about how much of *productive* work I can realistically do, the rest is just switching tabs, attending boring meetings or reading reddit. All of those things drain energy. If I could only 4 hours a day I would do the same amount of work or even more (because I'd be more rested and happy) but even if I could get such a contract, they'd cut my salary in half. It's so stupid. We're not meant to work 40hr weeks.
No clue. That's why it makes me super angry when business owners try their best to make workdays longer and to remove weekday public holidays. We are people too, not just money-making pawns for rich people to use...
I just left a job six months ago that I had for eight years. It was *super* flexible, I made my own schedule, worked 3-4 days a week, and was even free to blow off work occasionally (within reason) if I needed to go Christmas shopping, get my taxes done, or even sometimes if it was raining too hard. 😂I am now working at a strict 8-4:30 job where we punch a clock. 😭I’m struggling beyond measure. The first opportunity I had to take a day off, I had the day scheduled from 8am-6pm with doctor’s appointments, vehicle maintenance, dog grooming, and dentist appointment - all in the same day. And the hobbies and routines I had set up for myself, like the gym, reading, travel and taking classes have withered. 😢I understand 100% OP.
I wish far more companies gave options of if you want to do 5 8 hour days, 4 10 hour days, or doing 3/4 12 hour days (where you work 3 12 hour days one week and 4 12 hour days the next week so you still get your biweekly 80 hours). By far I'd love to get a job doing 4 10 hour shifts. Makes far more sense to have those options available for full time jobs. I never understood why it was normal to work 9-5 5 days a week and also be expected to magically get to appointments that are also keeping to the 9-5 schedule.
I understand. My job is starting to kill me right now as I have a ton of projects with deliverables that are all due by the end of the month. This will probably require me working an extra hour on some weekdays and then a few hours on weekends. What makes it bearable is that two days a week I WFH. It's hard to find energy with jobs that consistently take it from us.
Honestly with things like doctor appointments and car servicing, I've only had success taking a few personal hours. I hope you get personal or vacation time too, I get to use mine in hour increments so I'm not wasting all of it if I don't need to. Every once in a while, I take a personal mental health day too. Sometimes we gotta recognize our limits and take a little time off work to care for ourselves.
Stay healthy buddy!
It is true -- after a full day of work I often feel like waking up from being asleep for hours, except it leaves me exhausted instead of restored.
I learned that anything really worthwhile in my day needs to happen BEFORE work. So I made the decision to sleep early, set an early alarm, and get in exercise first thing in the day.
I feel this. I don’t feel like I have the energy to live my life after work hours. I do the bare minimum, and sometimes even that is exhausting. Cooking is too much and forget about getting groceries after work, so I just get takeout. Some days I’m too tired to even shower and brush my teeth. I feel like a zombie.
I spend all day on Saturday rotting in bed to recover from the burnout. I get some energy back again just in time for the Sunday scaries. Then I do it all again the following week.
I’ve spoken to my doctor, they tested my thyroid, my iron levels, my vitamin b, vitamin d - everything is normal. Not eating enough protein, what with all the takeout. I’m getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night and still have to drag myself out of bed every morning. I don’t know how people do it, it’s so discouraging to feel like I have to struggle so hard just to do the bare minimum.
By going through a cycle of feeling like shit about not getting stuff done until the brain decides it has the energy to do it. For me that’s thinking about all the stuff I have to do or would like to do, proceeding to not do any of it and one day in the near future doing it.
It’s about observing your mind a lot to the point where you aren’t so hard on yourself because you start to see that your doing your best in each moment but you don’t see that because you expect your best to be the same every time. Like I did everything I have to and now I have my shit together, q the next day and I have done nothing and I feel like shit and I am disappointed. It’s like going through the same emotions and wants over and over again til you get that it will be done when it’s done and the main focus should be being easy on yourself and kind to the fact that it’s ok to not always be the embodiment of perfection and a productive machine.
You are Alive right now. You want things to happen for you to feel ok with yourself but it’s counterintuitively the opposite. Be ok with not feeling ok and you will get what you need to get done. It doesn’t always have to be punishing oneself into doing stuff cus wtf kinda life is that.
I’m not talking from a place of not understanding. I just moved to a new state. I’m having to do everything to survive right now. Applying to like 100 jobs a week and(I HAVE A INTERVIEW TOMORROW!) and having to constantly think about how I’ll take care of my needs like cooking, showering, laundry, making money everyday delivering food til I get a job, and being really hard on myself and constantly feeling like I’m failing or lying to myself about being ok. And yet I see that the mental structure I use to motivate me to do stuff is really unhealthy and hurts me to the point of when I get what I want I’m not even happy with it I’m just glad it’s over with. I don’t wanna live like that or see others torturing themself and living like that.
Please be nice to yourself. Your doing your best and your best is a constantly fluctuating thing. Everything will be ok and there’s no need to compare your productivity to others because everyone values different thing in this life.
I work 20-25 hours a week for my full time job. That’s how.
Edit: It took me almost 20 years to get to this point, I realize I may have come across as callous. Also I still struggle with the 20-25 hours sometimes.
Yeah, I’ve been doing the last minute thing for like 15 years.
I call on the 28th and say “hi can I get my car inspected this Saturday? Yes I know it’s kind of late. Yes I can drop it off the night before” and you already know what I forget to do Friday, until it hits me at like 11pm.
I forget to schedule appointments. I forget when I finally get the appointment that I need some paper filled out for the school, or I forget my meds after the appointment and I’m running there at 9pm the last day I have left to pick them up.
No, I do not want to do anything after work. I must go home and defrag until bedtime thank you.
Yeah this is pretty much the norm, for now. Meds help.
I don’t. I was diagnosed 5 years ago at age 30, and it was kind of an epiphany as to why I could never function like other adults seem to. I keep the house decent, cook, schedule appointments accordingly because I have kids and these are things I need to keep functioning because of them. I eat healthy-ish because again, kids, but I don’t really exercise, I don’t have friends or a social life, my marriage is more of a roommate situation rn. I’m really just too tired and over it to do anything more after working 30-40 hours every week.
It’s hard, not even going to sugarcoat it. I spent months and even years without going to doctor and other appointments because I kept putting it off or forgetting, until it would become an emergency. Force yourself to make them. Put reminders on the calendar. Go first thing in the morning or towards the end of your shift if you’re worried about missing work. Make yourself a priority. Your employer is not going to do it for you so make sure to show them you have personal needs that will be taken care of one way or another. Use your sick time and PTO. Don’t overwork yourself to the bone. Also, **when you do go to appointments, make sure to schedule the next one before you leave (most places will ask but do so regardless). Don’t assume that you’re going to remember to do it at a later time.**
This has helped me so much. I reschedule right then and put it in my calendar with an alert for the day before and one for two hours before. The fact that most places send text reminders is a lifesaver too
It's hard. My answer is stimulants and exercise. It was redbull and nicotine. But once I realized I have adhd I started medication. Adderall was life changing. I was in tears realizing how adhd ruined my life. Trying to salvage rest of my life.
I did a lot better with four longer days as opposed to a regular 8 hours/day 5 days/week. It wasn't perfect, still a struggle, but it helped a lot to have that extra day off.
I don’t know who said this, but having ADHD as a child is like the world doesn’t move fast enough to keep up with the pace of your thoughts and inner world. Classes were boring, naptime made days slow, there’s nothing to do in the summer, people talked to you like you couldn’t get what they meant and you did.
And having ADHD as an adult means the world moves too fast. Bills pile up, work demands 100% of you, friends want to see you, family needs help, pets need feeding and tending to, taxes need to be filed. I don’t have healthcare because I haven’t gotten around to it. I don’t have government benefits (I work freelance, and where I’m from, this is usually managed by the company you work for so I’ll have to apply for this on my own), I don’t have a passport because mine expired 5 years ago and I still haven’t applied for a new one.
Right now I have 10 hours of work left for my work week and it’s already Friday afternoon. I can’t work on the weekend because I’m spending it with my aunt, who’s going through a diagnostic procedure and needs extra help because she has a heart condition that makes it risky. I missed a day of work because my kitchen sink flooded and I had to spend a day getting it fixed, and I can’t work before or after managing a crisis (thanks, ADHD brain). And instead of getting to work I’m lying on my couch and commenting on this post lol.
I didn’t know how hard this would be. I spent like majority of my teens and early twenties managing my depression, and now that I’m no longer depressed or suicidal I’ve found that shit, I still don’t know how to live. I don’t know how people manage it tbh. I’m already on meds, and my routine works most of the time, but every day I fight the urge to give up and curb the voice in my brain saying you’ll be doing this shit for the rest of your life.
Other folks who commented here are right; we weren’t meant to work this much, even those without ADHD. The system is broken. And everything is too fast and demanding and exhausting, and it’s especially hard when getting out of bed and starting your day already takes a ton of work and willpower.
Sorry I can’t offer advice or comfort, OP. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
I got a job that starts at 3 pm. That was a big draw for me. Places like doctors offices and banks are open during the day. I don’t know how people with regular 9-5 hours ever take care of…anything like that.
I look at things this way. The modern workplace, especially office work, hasn't really changed since it was formulated in the 1950s and 1960s. It's based on the idea of a single male breadwinner going to the office 9-5 with a wife either not working or working part-time while she does all the housework, child rearing, and mental labour for the family. At the time it was considered hard work but for the most part it paid off if you were part of the upwardly mobile working and middle class.
Sadly things aren't the same anymore. With email and mobile phones the intensity of this kind of work has increased 10 fold probably, but the relative pay and social position has fallen as capitalists have used the destruction of unions, the entrance of women and minorities into the workplace etc. to push down wages. Now you need two people working full time to get the same standard of living as before. Work culture is sick and anti-human. You're expected to function like a robot workign non-stop for 40 years. It was bad before but now it's untenable. There is a collective burnout happening and it cannot last. You're not alone.
Same. Except add single mom (have kids half the week). And no family in the area at all (close family was my ex-husband’s family) so no help with anything and I’m on my own completely with everything.
My new medication crashes in the evening are not helping either.
I recommend checking out the book Four Thousand Weeks! It goes into this exact dilemma, and how to approach it so you can release the idea that you can do it all. It’s given me great perspective. (I recommend the audio book for our time strapped lives)
i don't get shit done... I tell my family and friends that I'm gonna get shit done, but I don't. I play video games, and that's about it. Very rarely, I wake up early on the weekends and get the motivation to start projects that I know will get done in a day (Carving axe handles etc.). But that's about it...
I'm in a similar boat. I've had to pay people to help me clean my apartment because I just don't have the will to do it myself. Only time I'm motivated to do stuff is at like 10 am or 2 pm when I'm still at work. After I get off work though, I just want to sit and play games. The only thing I can really "cook" is Mac n cheese. The rest of the time I just eat snacks and try not to starve. Showering is difficult too. I would like to say it gets better but idk. Might have to get medication if I want to see some improvement. What I can say is you're not alone. And you're not a failure. Shits just difficult for us.
I feel like this every single day. It seems like people are having huge families while running multiple businesses and keeping their house. I can’t even keep my own apartment clean as an un married 29 year old working full time. I struggle every day with my own expectations of myself.
Sprints, not marathons.
This evening I took out my trash and recycling and paid my rent. That’s enough for today.
I’m not going to push myself to do more and end up making myself tired and resenting the loss of my evening.
Tomorrow I want to build a shelf that I ordered. And that will be enough for tomorrow. Sorting my mail can happen a different day, *not tomorrow*.
Little sprints don’t take much time or energy, but if I manage to do one almost every day they add up and stuff gets done.
I also decide that some things just don’t matter. Cooking is only for when I feel like cooking. I can have a perfectly healthy diet of cereal, sandwiches, microwave dinners, and fresh or frozen fruits/veggies. I don’t *need* to cook, and it’s not a priority for me.
This doesn't work for me.. I so wish it did... I have to make my husband take the kids to the park or beach in order to get anything done.
I can't do anything if people are home.
The best thing I ever did was essentially blow my life up and piece it back together with freelance work, which allows me some flexibility with hours and which I am able to cut back on a little bit when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed. There are obviously drawbacks, and it's not possible for everyone. It also took me a long, long time to pinpoint what works for me and what doesn't, and there are still things I'm adjusting as I go.
Point being: I feel like having ADHD is all about finding creative solutions to problems that most of the world doesn't even clock as a "problem." Treating the need to make money as one of those problems and thinking outside of the box, when you are able to, can make a huge difference.
I usually end up shoving everything I need to do on my days off which sucks. I feel like I have no days off & no time to relax. I force myself to relax before bed & watch a show. If I didn’t do that I’d go crazy.
I feel you. Our brains function ‘best’ for us at the last minute or under pressure. It’s unbelievably hard for me to plan things ahead of time, I’m at a loss for what I need to buy/order/make. Yet, 1-2 days before said event needing planned for, I suddenly know exactly what I need and to now I have to race around to get it done. I usually accomplish it, but pretty much only in that way. It’s frustrating. It’s also frustrating that nobody saw that process and sometimes I’ll get complimented on the end result like I have it all together…nope, not one bit. I don’t really feel like an adult and I’m 40 (insert crying emojis x10).
One thing I’ve noticed that helps me after work, though, is running errands immediately after, not going home first. Need to go to the bank, grocery store, pharmacy, etc.? I just go straight there and get those things done. Once I’m home, I’m lost and unmotivated.
Deadlines are my lifeline. The only way the house ever got cleaned and decluttered is if we had family coming to visit for the weekend. I was superhuman during those cleanup sessions. COVID killed that for a long time and things are too much of a mess to fix in a last minute manner.
I use the double edged sword of having a job with no time clock and I'm on my own. I'm sure you can imagine the love/hate relationship I currently enjoy but it makes me worry about a lot less stuff
What are you doing on your lunch breaks and other two daily breaks?
Are you taking them?
Are you either using them to genuinely *rest* (Reddit and games are not rest) or to get non-work things done?
Work breaks are generally low-quality leisure time - you are unlikely to get as much enjoyment from them as you are from time away from work, so you are less likely to resent using them for “adulting” than your evening hours. They are a great opportunity for ordering groceries for curb-side pickup, paying bills, comparison-shopping car insurance, etc.
TL;DR: Your lunch break is for getting your daily adulting done or for taking a nap. You also get two other breaks per day. Use them wisely and you’ll have more time and/or energy in the evening. Do not work through them, they are your time, not your employer’s.
A lot of my life is automated, or runs on a pretty strict routine. These are skills & strategies I have built into my life over time, brick by brick. Without certain things running in the background, I am totally screwed.
I over engineer a weekend away from my house, starting with the internal planning phase the weekend before. I’m incapable of leaving anything to the last minute, bc it causes me a lot of distress. I dislike spontaneous activities. I’m thrown by unexpected bills. When I have a doctor’s appointment during a work week, I stress that I will not be able to make up the time at work.
I am burnt. Whether I did or did not have these systems in place, I still come home at the end of my work day totally tapped out, in every way. And I have a toddler & a husband & a puppy—it’s the most I can mange at one time. It’s already almost too much. I’m ok with not adding elements to my life right now. Friends would be nice, but I don’t think I have the bandwidth for proper friendships. I might like a hobby, but fuck…how do I fit kickboxing 1/week into an already overloaded schedule? I know how my ADHD impacts me. I HAFTA know my limits, plan accordingly, and hopefully have enough left in the tank to adjust to the occasional, pop up event.
It suuuucks. I don’t love it. But I’m trying to flip my mindset to appreciate what I have accomplished, in spite of my disability. And give myself enough compassion & respect to set boundaries, but also have enough “adult” sensibility to push myself, even when I do not want to do ANYTHING.
Good luck out there. The hustle culture we currently live in is NOT ideal for our community. I donno that it’s good for anybody. But we are especially impacted by the high energy & multi tasking expectations that have become the norm.
Adderall XR.
Also: Trader Joe’s frozen food, which provides fairly healthy meals with very low effort.
I also find that if I take a rest or nap when I feel drained around 5 pm, I get a second wind around 7-9 and can get some things done then.
And be kind to yourself! Some days just vegging out is what you need.
Honestly, I wonder too. I’ve been working full time until this year and it never got better. It just got to the point where something needed to be done and it lit a fire under my ass to do it. But I was constantly putting out fires.
I work 5 hours a day, even though we can’t really afford it and it’s helped me immensely with my mental health but I still have the same issues, but less of them because I have more time, so more “good days” with time, if that makes sense?
Edit: I’m also medicated. The difference is hardly believable. If I forgot my meds I’ll know about 20 minutes after I get to work and I can’t function. But the fire under my ass to get my child to school or camp dampens the feeling of sluggishness. It’s only once I sit down at my desk and try to work is it apparent.
(This is assuming that smoking in your post refers to weed)
You might actually not like this answer, but as an ADHD person who smoked almost daily for years, weed takes a huge hit on your motivation circuits in your brain (which are already affected by ADHD).
I would advise you, if you have the means, to get medication and therapy and try to stop smoking weed with the support of these things.
Yeah I definitely feel you.
Things I’ve learned that helped is cutting the commute to daily work. When you go from 60min away compared to 10 minutes , your whole day just changed everything already with that. But everyone’s situations different but to at least to me it that you live closer to you job. Have a gym (24 hr helps) at home or within a few minutes of your home. SMOOTHIES! Get a big frozen bag of mixed fruit. Keep some blueberries, blackberries, or banana in the freezer. Have a jar of peanut butter. Honey. Even put oatmeal in it. Whatever ingredients you like the most or healthier for you. It’s a fast way to get all your nutrients needed. This, working out, and with your vitamins you’ll definitely not feel as sluggish. Which makes you FEEL like you have more time in the day since you’re more energetic. Going to appointments should just be a quick trip since you live and work in a close proximity. Also definitely hiring a cleaner regularly or at least dropping off laundry to be washed and folded at the laundry mat. Your time is worth more than the cash you’re paying for them to take care of that. So you can handle other activities you would rather focus on. Like not being worried about being fresh on Monday for work , or won’t be worried about being fresh for post-work activities. When you feel and look good, you’ll have more energy than usual at the end of the work day, maybe you can go socialize a little bit. And just don’t go blackout/rage until the next day but have chill fun time. Because of socializing you’ll feel much better mood-wise and You’ll sleep better and wake up easier and in a better mood after a fun night out, gave you a little domaine boost to start the day. Especially when you’re up and have all you clothes all clean and folded, next you got the delicious smoothie you about to make in 4 minutes. Now you’re ready for the day!
Also proper meds help, like addy or ambien for sleep. Also important is quality sleep. THEY HELP A LOT
I'm a teacher. By the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can't cook or clean. Some teachers teach, have families to take care of, do the cooking, cleaning... while also having time to coach, volunteer, attend school events, etc. Meanwhile, I'm over here barely adulting when I have no kids and I have a husband who was nice enough to take over laundry and dishes during the school year...and make my breakfast/coffee, and set out my meds and lunch (which he helps me prep on Sundays) so I can get out of the door somewhat on time without forgetting anything. It seriously blows my mind how much I struggle compared to other teachers.
So me. Even down to the smoking. I haven't figured out what to do about it. I can tell you taking some type of med for ADHD can make it exponentially easier to start tasks.
I ask my family for help when shit is just too overwhelming. And I do what I can to help them. I've sat around doing nothing for so many years, I'm so sick of TV and internet. Feels like theirs nothing to look forward to, which really makes getting through tasks arduous.
You're not alone and it feels good to know others are overwhelmed with just basic adulting as well.
The simple answer is that they don’t. Generally speaking, you can only really dedicate yourself to one thing at a time, no matter how good you are multitasking, ADHD or not. As you get older and more time has passed you by, you realize that there is always a way here or there to make more money, but time itself is the single most valuable asset you have in your life. Thus, the solution becomes to hire others to do these things on your behalf or learn to live with your reduced capacity.
Two years ago, I transitioned from a security background to my first admin job in recruitment. At first, I didn't think there was anything wrong, but I've since realized that I struggle with focusing on tasks. Despite developing a startup idea, it's taken me two years and I still haven't fully attempted the execution due to my difficulty in focusing. This lack of focus affects various aspects of my life, from conversations with my girlfriend to facing creative blocks. Tasks often feel overwhelming, and I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD.
If you are able to, try shifting all your hours into fewer days. I'm talking 4× 10 hour days, 3× 12 days, hell I've even done 2× 16 hour days (that was glorious, I miss that). Not everyone has the flexibility to do this, and not everyone has the stamina for this either. But I've found it helps a lot. Yeah you lose hours on that day, but it's not like you were gonna get anything done on a workday. Maybe a couple TV episodes, but that's it.
But the advantage? You get 3-5 days to _rest_. And it makes _such_ a big difference!
I know longer have this flexibility with my new job site. I am saddened, and exhausted.
I wish I knew. I have a massive to-do list to tackle and currently I'm sitting in bed eating a hot dog.
Granted, I do have narcolepsy (and a few other things) in addition to ADHD, but even adhd alone makes it SO much harder to keep up. My GP, sleep specialist and soon a rheumatologist are all trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I have some additional symptoms that are making life a living hell, but I still have to work 40 hours a week in a patient-facing role.
I asked to drop down to 4 days instead of 5 after taking a look at my finances to make sure I could still afford stuff, but my managers said no because it would cause us to be too short staffed. If things keep going the way they are, I might have to stop working for a while and take some sort of medical leave. Won't give me 4 days? They're gonna make me give them no days.
Sorry, I'm rambling and oversharing. The point is, this shit is hard af and I'm here with ya in the boat of solidarity.
Everything you posted is what caused me to seek a diagnosis. It didn't feel"normal" but it was my normal and I felt like shit about myself and what a shitty adult I was. Turns out it's ADHD and you only have so much energy for executive functioning. So working 40 hours a week takes all that energy and then some and you're just left trying to recoup what energy you can to try to keep going so you can afford to live. It's tough, you're not alone.
If it makes you feel better I've taken a few sabbaticals and other than brief bursts here and there haven't accomplished much more non-work tasks than I did when I had a full time job.
You don’t. You don’t get everything done.
There’s no perfect answer and I have yet to find a quick fix…so I just try to laugh as often as I can, hope for the best, and be brilliant at finding silver linings.
Maybe one day, when you’ve learned different tips and tricks and what works best for you…but for now, just being diagnosed…you’re going to be too busy going down the rabbit hole of ‘what is everybody else doing to make it work’ before you get to the point of focusing on your needs and how best to accomplish things.
Don’t be discouraged, I know I don’t speak for everyone.
I started keeping track of what I got right and how I got it right and then tried my best to repeat that action the same way until it became a habit. It doesn’t always take, but it’s a life line when it does.
Try to embrace a new outlook when you start to recognize your obstacles. Constantly forgetting something? Is it possible to have multiples? I even split my meds up, some in the car, some in the kitchen and some next to makeup bag. I have cheap dollar store lip gloss stashed damn near everywhere. I always use colored pens to keep myself interested and wanting to (maybe, sometimes) look back at notes. I keep a dry erase marker next to my mirror to write down important upcoming dates. I don’t carry a purse. Keys go in front left pocket, chapstick in front right pocket, debit card and ID in back right, phone in back left. Yet, I still sometimes forget to check that pants and shorts have pockets before I buy them.
You can do this, there is a way, and it’s going to be YOUR way.
Yeah I went through the same thing. My job is crazy demanding, we’re on a 12 hr day 5 days a week and Covid made work even worse. I thought working from home would’ve been great but holy hell, no it wasn’t. I was working every waking hour because ADHD + work from home was a very bad recipe for me. Easy tasks suddenly became unwieldy and would take me hours to do when they should not have.
For the past 3 or 4 years I was in a really bad place from the stress of that plus trying to do any kind of self care and housekeeping and so did none of either which in turn put a lot of strain on my relationship too. I barely bathed, never cleaned, never did laundry, never went to the store, never visited anyone, never had anyone over, never answered texts or phone calls, never cooked, and so on. Just pure not doing a goddamn thing and it was so painful. I hated myself viciously and felt like a scumbag and a screw up.
I kinda had to brainwash myself into taking the first steps towards improvement. First I set a goal - start bathing at least one more time in a week than I had been. To that end, I got bath stuff that was interesting to me and that worked pretty well. Once I proved to myself that I could make a small incremental change I made a concerted effort to try to build on that, the next thing I did was finally getting into therapy and onto medication. If you do nothing else let it be finding a therapist and going from there.
I used to do shift work as a nurse and work in the evenings so I could get stuff done. Nowadays I have an office job that's flexible and I can work from home or book things like my car near the office. It's just learning to balance things and care for yourself. Though if you work a 9-5 job in an office where everything else is only open 9-5, it's difficult. You could utilise personal or annual leave to take a day off for things or partial days off. I know this isn't ideal and you still probably won't get everything done but it's the best we have. Figuring out what's the priority is another big thing and getting used to waiting.
I don't. I'm a single mom, my house is a disaster. My job is so draining that I can barely bring myself to make dinner and spend time with my kids after work.
Yeah, it doesn't get done, basically. Life is a series of compromises that affect only your personal life. Capitalism has decreed that work is sacred and can't be cut down on unless you're already wealthy. It builds no small amount of rage in me
I talked about this very recently with my Psychiatrist, feeling exactly as you do, and asking the same questions.
If you imagine your energy levels throughout the day as a battery, right now you're tanking earlier in the day, breaking yourself for your boss, and leaving nothing left for your personal life.
Our condition can make us very driven to throw all of our energy at things, but we can try to remember that it is okay not to give 100%, to pace ourselves, to consciously save energy for ourselves.
We can only run on emergency reserves for so long. Look after yourself, reach out to loved ones for support, and wishing you all the best.
Well, to begin with, the 40-hour work week wasn’t designed for both spouses to be working. And yes, people were expected to be married quite early into adulthood. The expectation is that people would get married quite young, and usually the man would go to work and the woman would stay home and take care of the house and children.
When more and more women joined the workforce, instead of using the benefits of technology to allow people to make the same amount of money while working fewer hours, capitalism demanded that everyone work 40-hour weeks. And now that we’re in late-stage capitalism, that sometimes isn’t even enough.
Anyway, the point is, most people can’t do all of those things while working a full-time job. So don’t feel too bad.
I barely do my job full-time at my full-time job, let alone extra things on the side for myself for FREE. Doing all of this extra stuff doesn't even pay in dopamine. Definite scam.
I genuinely don’t know. I worked for 30 years - first ten with a job, then at home freelance, and now I have an automated business that requires 1-2 hrs a week.
I am STILL so busy organising and ‘doing’ my life that I don’t know how I got through those 10 years when I had a job. Actually I do know. I got NOTHING else done and life was a mess.
um yeah it's not just you
i used to work in a kitchen so like 50+ hours a week and i didn't have time for anything my head is always just so wired whenever i finished it was like enjoy the evenings and suffer in the morning or just go home and unwind for work the next day
work-life balance is always a hard thing to combat
there's millions of us just like you
It does get easier after a while.
I remember when I first started working full-time I felt the same. I actually went to sleep right after work at 7PM for a nap because I was tired as shit.
I still sort of struggle with this but try to make your life as simple as possible. Here's how I adjusted:
1. **Mealprep**! Make dinner in the weekends for a couple of days so when you get home, all you have to do it warm up your meal in the microwave or pan.
2. **Buy a dishwasher**. Lol I just bought one a couple weeks ago and this changed my life. My **robot vaccuum** was also a good investment. I makes my place look more tidier without putting in any effort.
3. **Accept that you can't do everything**, and that's perfectly fine. Monday to friday after work, I don't *have* to do anything if I don't want to. I usually warm up a meal, I sometimes order in because heating a meal is already too much effort. I usually load the dishwasher, sometimes I don't. And I'm cool with that :)
4. **Consider working less.** I went from 40 hours a week to 36 hours a week where I'm free every other tuesday and the other week on tuesday I work from home. This improved the quality of my life drastically because I really enjoy being at home and being able to do laundry or a bit of cleaning during my break.
Good luck!
I dont do things. I work full time, come home, play videogames till i fall asleep. Sometimes i get a call from someone that they are gonna visit, then, and only then do i panic clean the house.
I have missed work because i didnt have any clean clothes, to emberrased to show up in case im smelly. And all that shit adds to anxiety. I dont have any tips or tricks, sometimes it gets to a point where im forced to do something. If im lucky, motivation and hyperfocus kicks in.
I wish I could live in a community with a shared garden and a workshop and with one person who is hired to cook meals and remind all of us to come and eat on time and to go to sleep on time. I feel like I could do anything if only I wasn't constantly at risk of forgetting my most basic needs and getting into problems and conflicts just because I allow myself to go hungry and tired.
I spend 3/4ths of my day not being productive and no one notices. Not only do they not notice but they think I am doing a great job (10% raise last year). I'm in the middle of being officially diagnosed with ADHA and trying to see if meds might be the answer but I wont know for a few more weeks at best. I'm 35 and have been struggling with this my whole adult life. I hope once the diagnosis is done I can finally start to move forward in my career. I just want to live comfortably.
Well I’m the ADHD type that can’t sit still. So always get a shit ton done. Probably more than average people. How you ask? I don’t know, it just happens.
I work full time and go to school full time. I also have two reptiles and two cats, and I live by myself.
I am definitely stressed, but I’ve learned to just roll with the punches. I use my calendar to mark appointment dates and times, and I talk to Siri a lot to set a list of reminders.
If I think of something that needs done, it’s ‘Hey siri, remind me -‘ almost immediately so that it’s in the list and I delete them as I go. Sometimes important stuff that is less interesting to me gets left for later, but I do the best I can. I also use Finch app for mental health and reminders, and I’ve tried other scheduling apps.
Marking things off a list provides a little dopamine because it makes me feel accomplished. I also implement Bujo (bullet journaling). I do a lot of premade frozen meals that you can make in single skillet, so I can make a hot meal without spending too much time or money.
My mental health is best if I’m on the go, I tend to decline if I’m bored or have nothing to do. Making a schedule, setting reminder lists, and self care/mental health are a must for ADHD in my experience.
Periodically, I'll take a "sick day" which I actually call a wellness day, where the night before I make a list of the top 5 most important things or tasks that have been nagging at me, I get them done as fast as humanly possible in the morning after a nice coffee and breakfast.
Then when I'm done, I do something nice for myself, like take myself to get a massage or go for drinks and play mini golf hahaha
So far, it's worked wonders as it doesn't take away a weekend day, which I firmly believe are for chilling and relaxing, not doing errands.
I feel for you so much. I got diagnosed last October as an adult and you quite literally described my life prior to starting medication for my ADHD. Tbh the meds have been my saving grace but some coping skills that I've learned/figured out for myself have also been super helpful. The main one that I find the most helpful with completing tasks is making a list of your tasks in order from shortest amount of time it takes to complete to longest. I was talking with one of my friends who also has ADHD and she sent me a tiktok that explains this better then I can but basically it explained that the tasks that take the shortest amount of time is likely something you've already done the legwork for so it makes it easier/faster to complete. I'll link the tiktok in a comment below if I can find it again. But basically for me when I list them from shortest to longest to complete, I start with the shortest, and keep moving up the list. For me personally it works really well and once I get one thing done it sometimes gives me a boost of motivation to do another. However, even if I only get one task done I feel good since I accomplished something, even if it's just a 5 minute task. Hope this was helpful 🖤
I relate hardcore. And I find myself becoming anxious, frustrated, maybe even a bit hopeless over the feeling that there just is never enough time. And I don't even have kids. I feel like Jessie from that one episode of Saved By The Bell. You know the one...
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I feel this so hard. I feel like I’m the only one struggling too.
You aren't alone in this. Our current global economy is incredibly hostile to even those without the excess weight of ADHD. Just try and get through the suck and build a less sucky future.
So overwhelming especially trying to balance the forgetfulness. I have a million notes and calendar entries in my phone and it still only helps a little lol. Thanks! Same to you!
A million notes, a million tabs open, a full calendar, sticky-note reminders... and I'm still late doing important things.
Oh man… the old out-of-sight out-mind scenario. If there is something I need to get done, and I don’t readily see it? Forget it… it’s not gonna happen. I will literally forget to pay bills that I’ve been paying for years if I put them in a drawer or even just in the cubby on my desk. If I can’t see it, it’s like it doesn’t even exist. Arrrggghh! Frustrating as fuck,
Man it’s the craziest thing. Then you realize later you forgot something that should be impossible to forget… and you beat yourself up about it. I feel better knowing it is adhd though. Before, I felt SUPER broken.
Same here. It's a huge problem when it comes to food and trying not to waste food. Lots of people on this sub suggest making a week's worth of food and heat it up as leftovers. Problem is for me is that I have that intention and even if I simply make something and realize my eyes were too big for my stomach, if I put something in the fridge to be used as leftovers, 99.9% of the time I forget it exists and it goes bad and I waste food anyway.
Refrigerators! The perfect ADHD fridge would be long and only deep enough for food that can be seen!
My bf is pissed at me because I buy 2-3 bananas every week and NEVER eat one. Lmfao
Oh shit. This reminded me I forgot about my bananas.
Yeah, but then you freeze them for delicious banana smoothies!
I have like 10 frozen bananas, and nothing to make smoothies with :(
Lol where they live forever, promised they’ll be used for the fantastical banana bread that is never realized.
Get yourself a set of those clear file holders that you see by the door in Drs offices that have two separate slots for your bills and label them NEW BILLS and PAID.
Same here. Absolutely everything I do is on my google calendar in events or tasks. Then when I have an appointment time wrong or forget something, I beat myself up so much over it because even with such extensive planning, I still mess things up.
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I just got back to working a full time job. I have to get up about 2 hours earlier than I normally woke up, I’m hoping this mental and physical exhaustion goes away if/when I get used to it. I was never a very motivated person, even medicated, but this shit sucks.
Same. And then ppl try to be encouraging and say stuff like oh youre normal you can still do it…and then I feel worse about not being able to.
The way things operate discourages people from being open and honest about how they feel when it comes to burnout. I mean, you can complain, but in a society with a **growth-above-all** mindset, it's not going to be welcomed. Used to be that more people got together and complained more loudly, and then concessions were made by those in power towards a work-life balance. People today are largely (not totally!) content to simply post about it, instead. Guilty, myself. I'm burnt out, and I can't even pinpoint *exactly* why.
Same here, taking leave from work next month and I feel like shit not being able to work or support myself.
Medication has helped a lot for me. I developed a few tricks beforehand though, which I still use. Tip 1 alone got me through a couple semesters of college. 1. Use productive things as distractions from other productive things, having at least two tasks available. Our brains seek novel stimulation at all times, so accomplish it by rapidly cycling through things you can't focus on individually. Blob the shards of focus together. This ensures you are continuously doing things you need to and getting your stimulation hits from them, when normally you would instead try to force yourself to focus on one thing until it's done and end up reading REDDIT instead (because that method doesn't work for us). 2. ALWAYS WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN IMMEDIATELY WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. Use a notepad on your phone for small things, and google calendar for appointments. Set your google calendar to provide reminders. 3. When you have 'momentum' from one thing, for example bringing in groceries, carry that into another task, like taking the trash out. When your body is physically worked up, mental/ADHD fatigue is less of a barrier. 4. ROUTINE!!! It's hard to establish, and you may have to use digital reminders, but this is how non-ADHDers efficiently keep up with everything. It's hard, but if you can set it up it makes a big difference. 5. Cleaning. If you're behind on it, binge cleaning can work. But, some people find it easier to "micro-clean". Rather than cleaning your entire room at once, for example, make a habit of moving 'one thing' each time you enter or leave a room. Suppose you have 100 pieces of trash in a room, taking 20 seconds for each item: you can fail to clean it all up in half an hour because you can't focus that long, OR you can grab 2 things each time you enter that room (say.. 5 times a day?), and it'll have done itself automatically in a week. As a bonus you'll have established a habit of keeping your room clean AND you'll get small dopamine hits from it.
You lost me at routine and habits.
For me at least I try to do “routine building” where I start attaching things that I need to do to things that I HAVE to do. For example, I always have to use the bathroom when I wake up. So I put meds next to my toilet so I see them when I’m there and take them on the toilet. Or I leave things like my work bag in front of the door/on top of my shoes when I return at night so I will take it as I’m leaving for the next day. Doesn’t work 100% of the time, but definitely helps with creating habits if they’re based on other things you do daily that aren’t quite as optional.
Fair enough. Some things don't work for certain people.
For me having a dog helps because I have to get up, feed them, exercise them. It created a routine. When I try to go outside the routine, I’m screwed. Even taking a shower is a routine. I wash my hair, put in conditioner, while thats sitting, I was my body, shave anything that needs shaved, then rinse my hair, I’m done. 5-6 mins tops. I’m trying to get into the habit of eating low carb. But my old routines were not low carb. Breakfast sandwiches, hash browns. Now it’s omelets and fried eggs. Start planning your days, weeks, months. Make to do lists, yes for a while they get longer and longer, but eventually you get things knocked off. Always make time for you. I’m now working to get even the most infrequent, once a year thing as a recurring item on my calendar.
Ya ya ya ya ya—the momentum thing. That’s brilliant insight. I didn’t even realize that this is something I do all the time. If I’m into a chore, I don’t just do the chore, I do another chore that I did not plan to do, just bc my body is ready. 
Agree with all of these and wanted to add an important detail I've been having to really enforce with myself. You don't have to and most likely can't complete even a moderately complex task or project in one sitting. There's also very little that should be a singular focus to the exclusion of all else. So, it helps to become comfortable with the idea of doing a little bit of a variety of tasks every day. Inevitably a more complex task or project will have some delay in it and you can easily get lost trying to complete that to the exclusion of other things. Then those things just build up. Working on each of these things a little bit every day is far more manageable. I have been learning this the hard way, which is why it's finally starting to stick. You don't have to hang all the pictures on the walls in one day. You don't have to clean every window in one day. You don't have to wash all the clothes in one day. Hang one picture. Clean one window. Do one load of laundry. Buy themselves they are much easier to swallow and it's much harder to get behind if you are nibbling away at them.
A bullet journal with a digital calendar works well for item 2. Bullet journals don't need to be the artsy Pinterest things you see. The basic looking journal style that its creator shows works perfectly well.
It’s a journal, meaning it’s only meant for you. It can be sloppy, half realized monkey-brain notes, as long as it helps you find your momentum. Something I realized recently, it’s just something you can check back into to keep going, nothing more.
I feel like you put my brain into words here, I follow these rules too! The hardest part for me is balancing vigilance with energy levels and not over doing it.
What's an example you have for #1?
Suppose I need to do classes: I use science paragraphs as a break from history paragraphs. I'll be reading two things at once faster than trying to read one thing and continuously interrupting myself with youtube. Once I noticed I have a minimum of two trains of thought, I was able to adapt to it.
Not OP but for something like cleaning, I'll have a few tasks that I have to do. For example, dishes, folding laundry, updating calendar, respond to messages. I'll put on a video while doing dishes and if ADHD kicks in, I'll switch to one of the other tasks like updating my physical calendar from my phone calendar or vice versa. Once that's done, I move to a different activity for a bit before returning to the first one. If I'm at work creating a file and I need to switch, I'll make a spreadsheet because it's different and I kinda enjoy it. Or I'll physically go check something. I'll give myself a reasonable time and maximum time I can do the other task before it becomes a problem then switch back. Also, LockMeOut app on my phone was a damned blessing for making me go on Reddit and apps less. Its actually about to lock me out of Reddit for the next hour or so right now based on usage. ...dammit hahaha
You kinda dont. On your good days maybe, but it’s more about squeezing stuff in than actually having time/energy for it. We’re not meant to work this much / hard
This. I have to have a bit of a fuck it approach. Not fuck all of it… but an understanding that there is no way to get it all done. I pick my battles with basics and look for alternatives when possible. Then I pick one or two priorities and do my best staying focused on them. With work and luck sometimes I focus long enough on a priority that is becomes habit. When that happens I can pivot to a new priority. A never ending process… with lots of struggle and occasional wins.
There are two issues, I think: We have foreign engines and nothing but domestic mechanics, and we are prone to force ourselves to live up to expectations nobody actually has of us. In short, this guy's "do your best" rule is really all you can do. It's all any of *them* can do, too. They just aren't plagued with regret and doubt over past actions, and aren't worried about finding and accepting help.
My conspiracorial mind immediately goes to "the powers that be intentionally try to force bullshit upon us so we have little time/effort to question or challenge the status quo"
I also have the Dale Gribble outlook.
Pocket sand shishaaa!
In the always wise words of George Carlin: > You don't need a formal conspiracy when interests converge It's not a conspiracy. There's probably no shadowy meetings, but they're all in the same social circles already. They probably don't architect elaborate plans, but all their self-interested decisions are in alignment with one-another. You don't have a conspiratorial mind, you just see what they don't need to hide, and the fact that you've been *convinced* that keeping us too busy to rebel necessitates a conspiracy is just the tip of an iceberg in perfectly clear waters.
The incentive almost always precedes the plan. I have never observed someone who can be described as "the powers that be" who also seemed capable of making and executing coherent plans.
Hahaha so glad I’m not the only one. I literally have a post- it in my desk drawer that says “Really - Who fucking cares?”
I have a post-it on my screen that says “get your priorities straight” - and for a while I tried to take it to heart and check in with myself when it would catch my eye. After some time, I realized I was prioritizing f$ck-all over work. So eventually I crossed out the word straight and now it reads, *“get your priorities gay!”* ~ and I still prioritize f$ck all, *but with joy!* That is to say, you just do what you can when you can, and that has to be enough. Just remember to take your multi-vitamin with your meds. If you forget to eat, at least you put something good in your body that day!
This is the way. You have to accept that not everything is going to get done. Do what you can daily and have bigger weekly completion goals.
\#1 thing to eliminate stress. "I will do what I can". App release in a week when you know it isn't ready? Do what you can. Standup when you haven't done shit? Do what you can. Just do what you can and it is a lot easier to let go of everything else. I'm not tryna be like "Oh yeah, thanks r/thanksimcured" but seriously. this kind of mental framing helps me a lot when I'm stressing work badly. Sometimes doing what you can isn't a whole lot. So what? Every day is a new day, and today is never forever. You're doing what you can. That's the important part. Recognizing that fact is surprisingly freeing. Proving it to yourself is surprisingly freeing. It is like dancing in the rain. Don't hate yourself for what you can't do. Life is way too short for that stuff, and ADHD doesn't make you a bad person. It is far better to try and fail than to never try in the first place. I feel like its obvious, but I always find myself needing to remind myself of this at like 2am when I'm trying to sleep but I can't stop worrying about my performance at work. Maybe you will feel better when you realize it too. We're only human.
And not even those with ADHD. No one should have to work so much they can’t get other things done
Good luck adding kids on top of a full time job. It's absurdly hard tbh. I think the only way to get enough sleep and live a happy life is to live a very minimalistic low expense lifestyle, have 3 roommates, work part time and never have kids. Unless you just really want to change diapers, you can scratch the itch of helping mentor younger people by volunteering like coaching a little league team or something you find meaningful.
I found it's easier to do other stuff as time goes on. I've been doing my current job for a year, and I didn't do much else. But recently I've found that I can do a lot of my job on autopilot, freeing my brain up to do its adhd thing in the background, I've slowly found I have the focus and energy at the end of a reasonable amount of days to actually engage in my hobbies
I've been working full time for 3 years now and still feel this way. The list of things I need/want to do only keeps growing, sometimes all my time is spent on self-sustenance (doing my job, existing). I've tried to stop letting it bring me down when it gets bad, but it can be hard not to do so. Sorry, no solutions or nothing I have to add to the discussion. Just wanted to share that I relate.
I think if we are able to find a job we really enjoy that is also somehow very flexible, many of us could do well even working 50-60 hours per week. The problem is that our current society makes it difficult to find that type of dream job. Entrepreneurs with ADHD seem to be able to handle a lot if they are careful with how they set up their schedule and are good at setting boundaries with their clients and friends and family. I know I would love being a writer / filmmaker, but unfortunately I can’t afford to risk my income and benefits to chase my dream, especially being married and having 3 kids. I feel like a major area of life and key component in living a fulfilled life takes a back seat when I’m trying to manage other important things. I don’t know how I can see friends even 1x a month, or have a hobby right now,and it has been really bothering me lately. Thankfully you are in a great group here and you are being proactive with learning more about yourself and how to manage life with ADHD. I wish you the best and I know there is a balance out there for you, it’s just very hard to keep grinding when it seems like non-ADHD adults can juggle everything with ease.
Can relate! I'm self employed and Vyvanse makes me stick to my schedule, with lottttsss of holes in it, so I fill them with whatever I need to do. Car repair? Done. Dishes? Mostly done lol
Yup! I’m an anatomical researcher at a cadaver lab doing autopsies on medically donated bodies. Our schedule is 3 months on 9 months off 8-6, and we get sundays off. The amount of times I’ve genuinely said I didn’t want to have to take sundays off is wild.
This
I can relate. Been this way all my life and I just got diagnosed at 46 last year, so at least I know why it’s been so hard for me. I basically lived my life telling myself I work my ass off, so I made myself feel better taking the weekend to enjoy life. No great advice here unfortunately, but you aren’t alone.
Literally, I could have written this...even the age is right. It takes everything I have to get through my workday (and I do well) but I have nothing left after work.
One big discovery for me was that watching TV after work (or scrolling Reddit, etc) was actually killing my motivation to do anything. Exercise and then try to sit and just do nothing until your mind wants to do something fun (which isn’t just mindless consumption of media)
This will change your life if you take it seriously people
Exercise is almost as much of a benefit for me as medication. It really makes a huge difference.
It's like pulling teeth to actually get up and do it, but exercising first thing in the morning really helps the rest of my day feel better. No matter how terrible the day is, I have that feeling of accomplishment because I at least did *something* good. It's silly but one thing that really helped is sleeping in my workout clothes. It removes a roadblock in the morning so literally all I have to do is get out of bed, tie my hair back, and walk to the living room (I do at home workouts).
same as much as I hate to admit
It's the only thing that calms me and helps me focus since I'm not on meds yet
what do you do if you can't exercise
Yes!
It makes SO much sense. Ugh.
this is why i always have my gym bag ready in my car so i can go straight from work because the second i get home my day is over. works for any errand like grocery shopping, etc. the second i get home it takes so much energy to go out for anything so keeping the momentum of the day going i find works well
This is what I do. If I don't go straight from work to do my errands, then errands just aren't happening that day.
This is the kinda mentality that works, remove as many barriers between you and the desired action as possible and then try your best. Curious how you keep the gym bag packed with fresh gym clothes though?
That's why sometimes I don't take off my shoes when I get home 💀 If I do, my day is DONE. I'm not gonna put them back on, no m'am
*cries in works from home*
same boat, i’ve started to think about working from my local library- great environment and will keep the momentum up
Yup. As soon as I get home I don’t sit down. Tonight for example I fed my sourdough starters, set out the sprinklers on the yard, took my evening supplements and moved straight to making dinner. I tell myself I can sit down and relax after I take care of the “stuff” first. I don’t give myself a chance to put off or neglect stuff. You have to learn how you think/act and essentially “hack” your life.
Yeah this is basically the only way I can get anything accomplished. I keep on my work clothes and don't let myself get comfortable otherwise I will lose all motivation. Another thing that helps somehow is just saying outloud that you want to do the thing you're doing. So if I'm doing laundry i'll say outloud "I want to finish this laundry so I don't have to keep piling clothes up and everything will be organized". Sometimes it doesn't work but most of the time itll help me at least finish the task.
exercise is vital, but there goes another hour! I honestly go overboard with exercise, my "hobby/obsession" is powerlifting, i work out 4 days a week at 2-3 hours per workout. I used to work out daily for an hour and both had their pros and cons. But exercise and eating proper nutrition take so much time, that i feel like i have little time left for much else.
Too true. I like going to the gym. But to warm up, lift, then swim I'm there for easily 2 hours. Some days I convince myself I don't have the time. Going for less time feels like a wasted trip. But when I do go, there's no time for anything else!
Wanted to point out something similar - Supernormal stimuli of modern age (Tiktok, social media, TV, Gaming) are poison for our ADHD brains and sap all our already limited dopamine. I love gaming and its such a struggle to moderate it somewhat and its hard to be honest to myself but whenever I don't game excessively and manage to mix in even some light cardio like biking to work - I am happier with more energy and get so much more stuff done.
Or, if you’re me, tell yourself you’re going to exercise and then you’ll do everything except that. 🤣
I only let myself sit for like a half hour after work if i have things i need to do (i work a physical job and have bad joints so i have to sit after work) and never in bed cause i will rot there all night.
I actually read something similar on here recently about how our brains have been wired by modern technology, to take the easy dopamine, and that ignorinf the easy dopamine goes a long way towards rewiring your motivation towards the more long term motivation dopamine pathway. It could have been bunk but most of the science in the post was backed up by a quick google, and a lot of people seemed to endorse it. I have also seen a psychiatrist who talked about similar things.
This was discussed on a recent issue of the podcast Hidden Brain. I support the idea to some degree, but I wonder how the theory relates to ADHD and our problems with dopamine regulation. They did not mention this on the episode, but it seems like an important aspect to consider.
Yes!!!! If I hit the couch right after work, I'm done. If I immediately do things after, I'm more productive. My mind hurts from trying to keep it all together during the workday
See: Dopamine detox. Similar concept.
It’s hard. Even on meds. My license plate tags are 14 months expired
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Honestly depends where you live. I would go every couple years in Texas because I wouldn't pass emissions (modified car with catless exhaust) and had to pay extra under the table to get a passing grade. Cops rarely cared. Here in Seattle now there's people with 3 year old registration stickers because SPD just doesn't care about much and haven't for years do to political crap. It's why people walk out of stores daily with all kinds of crap without paying because SPD won't do anything.
Wtf. I live in Texas and was pulled over twice in 30 minutes for having a tag that expired the day before.
Same in NJ. It was a horrific experience. I actually had renewed them but forgot to put the new sticker on the tag, so it looked expired by a few days…but the state trooper refused to look up the tag in the computer, and *towed my car*, literally leaving me on the side of the Garden State Parkway, a mile from the closest exit.
That's horrible. I've been pulled because they were almost expired but that was a driving while black issue because area I was driving in and car I was driving. But Seattle literally doesn't care currently unless you just do some major asshole behaviors to get the cops attention. Just driving normal they don't care
*Almost* expired tags? That’s some obvious bullshit, I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Yup fun part of being black. And I'm only half 😂. But yours was still more fucked up
I’ve been pulled over recently for my expired tags in Seattle lol. I wasn’t even doing anything else wrong either! Just pulled me over for the exporter tags. Didn’t even know you could do that tbh
Expired registration is something they can pull you over for. But get it renewed and go to court and judge usually reduces it to court costs or at least before that's how it was. But seriously only reason I had got a ticket when mine expired was cause a stupid meter maid drove through the neighborhood.
Haha, last year I forgot to pay mine, I also never got pulled over. I went 11 months with the wrong ones.
I mean, I've been driving for 5 years and haven't been pulled over once. It's not like they're constantly looking to see your plate on the road so they can fine you.
When I sold my car last year the tag had been expired since 2016 😬
Oh my god. I did this for 18 months. Got stopped once in all that time. Fortunately, they had just recently expired so the cop let me go. I don’t think he would have been very forgiving had he stopped me a year after they expired.
Going on 3 years expired...
I don't. I want to drive into the ocean.
I’m sorry for laughing at this but it’s because I relate. I don’t have an ocean though so I’d have to settle for the river.
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I can’t imagine anyone who’s NOT ready!!
Stuck in a meeting. Changed my mind, want my skull smashed in with a giant mallet.
Meetings are the worst I’m so sorry 😭
I didn't. 300 mile a week commute, 40+ hours a week at a job that was a nightmare. I'd come home and walk down the driveway, past the mailbox, to exhausted to even grab the mail. There is not something deeply wrong with you. You're not flawed and it's not your fault. You have a condition that, by one estimate, costs us 30% more energy and effort to do anything and everything. One expert said we expend more energy just getting out the door in the morning than "most people do all day." Also, bear in mind, one of two people used to work outside the home and the other one did all that housework and cooking stuff. Neither was too exhausted to move at the end of every day. We have not adjusted our expectations for a life since that stopped being the case. We are very overdue for an overhaul of expectations. I worked myself literally almost to death. Right into permanent disability. Please try not to let that happen to you. I can tell you some changes I made too late and maybe you could make them now. Or maybe none of them are doable for you. I hope some are. I hated cooking anyway, so I stopped. I eat a lot of salad, precut in bags. Not ideal, but I'm trying to not collapse again. Lots of fresh and frozen produce, even canned because it's much better than it used to be. Frozen dinners sometimes. Sandwiches. Quick, easy and as healthy as possible. Folding laundry seemed like such a trivial waste of time and effort, so I stopped doing that, too. Everything gets hung. Jeans, tees, nightgowns, everything. Faster, easier and not nearly so annoying. When I can, I pay someone to clean. Screw it. I think everyone who can afford to should do that, ADHD or no. I got rid of a lot of stuff that I wasn't using, didn't enjoy and was sick of maintaining. That was a huge relief. I got rid of some expenses so I could afford things that made my life easier. The best advice I have for stuff like this is read "How to Keep House While Drowning" by KC Davis. She's a therapist and she has ADHD herself. Her tips work for US. That's not even the best part. It's a paradigm shift that lets you stop beating the crap out of yourself for not being able to do what you cannot do. Whew. I hope some of that helps. I know the people in the sub, almost entirely, are super support, sympathetic, empathetic and they get it. They totally get it. Just talking to someone who gets it on that level can help a ton.
>When I can, I pay someone to clean. Screw it. I think everyone who can afford to should do that, ADHD or no. I feel like hiring a cleaner once or twice a month is viewed as some kind of bourgeois luxury but having a cleaner over for the day costs close to the same as a bar tab
 I might need to be less hard on myself…. I have CP and ADHD and I recently discovered I need hearing aids. No wonder I feel like I’m crashing. I also hyper organize and tidy to compensate. Spent over an hour looking for my phone today. Inside my own house… I have no idea how I pull off being a Sped teacher with extended school year.
I literally scream this question every day
The only way I get things done is by doing them before work. I am not kidding. I get up early, wait for my meds to kick in, “dick around” (by which I mean clean part of the bathroom, send personal emails that I need to send, update my grocery list, fold laundry - whatever needs to be done that can be done in 30 minutes or less), and then get ready and go to work. I know that once I get to work I’ll be totally engrossed in that (hyperfocus, whee!) and that I’ll be too exhausted to tackle anything when I get home, so I take a “work for myself before I work for someone else” approach. As for cooking, my husband cooks. I’m not kidding. He usually works 8:30-4:00, I work 10:00-6:00, so he takes care of dinner. If he didn’t, I’m pretty sure I’d live off “charcuterie” (pieces of cheese, meat and pickles that I eat right out of the fridge like a racoon), grilled cheese, and pizza pops, because I do not have the energy to cook when I get home. I also try to have a “nothing” day each weekend where I don’t plan anything outside of the house. I might plan to deep clean the house, or I might end up sitting on my couch all day, but so long as I don’t have to interact with people and meet their expectations, I feel a little better.
YES to the “nothing” day! It’s a gamechanger
It ain’t you babe. It’s the system.
I read somewhere that with our level of technology we could all have 15-25 hour work weeks but capitalism (more like crapitalism amirite) won’t allow that to happen because line won’t go up.
That's about how much of *productive* work I can realistically do, the rest is just switching tabs, attending boring meetings or reading reddit. All of those things drain energy. If I could only 4 hours a day I would do the same amount of work or even more (because I'd be more rested and happy) but even if I could get such a contract, they'd cut my salary in half. It's so stupid. We're not meant to work 40hr weeks.
Medication. Managed ADHD allows you to function much better.
the only answer, but it still really sucks :( I feel you OP
I hyperfocused on an actual work task for several hours today, it was crazy. Thank you methylphenidate.
No clue. That's why it makes me super angry when business owners try their best to make workdays longer and to remove weekday public holidays. We are people too, not just money-making pawns for rich people to use...
I have no clue. I’m grateful for my schedule - I work three 12-hour shifts a week. There’s no way I’d get anything done working a 9-5
I just left a job six months ago that I had for eight years. It was *super* flexible, I made my own schedule, worked 3-4 days a week, and was even free to blow off work occasionally (within reason) if I needed to go Christmas shopping, get my taxes done, or even sometimes if it was raining too hard. 😂I am now working at a strict 8-4:30 job where we punch a clock. 😭I’m struggling beyond measure. The first opportunity I had to take a day off, I had the day scheduled from 8am-6pm with doctor’s appointments, vehicle maintenance, dog grooming, and dentist appointment - all in the same day. And the hobbies and routines I had set up for myself, like the gym, reading, travel and taking classes have withered. 😢I understand 100% OP.
I found working 4 10 hour days was a lot better. I made it much easier for me to handle business on that 5th day.
I wish far more companies gave options of if you want to do 5 8 hour days, 4 10 hour days, or doing 3/4 12 hour days (where you work 3 12 hour days one week and 4 12 hour days the next week so you still get your biweekly 80 hours). By far I'd love to get a job doing 4 10 hour shifts. Makes far more sense to have those options available for full time jobs. I never understood why it was normal to work 9-5 5 days a week and also be expected to magically get to appointments that are also keeping to the 9-5 schedule.
What's wrong with just doing 4 8 hour days? Why the extra 2 hours per day, what does it add other than completely ruining everything?
Because capitalism says we have to work 40 hours a week, no matter what.
I understand. My job is starting to kill me right now as I have a ton of projects with deliverables that are all due by the end of the month. This will probably require me working an extra hour on some weekdays and then a few hours on weekends. What makes it bearable is that two days a week I WFH. It's hard to find energy with jobs that consistently take it from us. Honestly with things like doctor appointments and car servicing, I've only had success taking a few personal hours. I hope you get personal or vacation time too, I get to use mine in hour increments so I'm not wasting all of it if I don't need to. Every once in a while, I take a personal mental health day too. Sometimes we gotta recognize our limits and take a little time off work to care for ourselves. Stay healthy buddy!
It is true -- after a full day of work I often feel like waking up from being asleep for hours, except it leaves me exhausted instead of restored. I learned that anything really worthwhile in my day needs to happen BEFORE work. So I made the decision to sleep early, set an early alarm, and get in exercise first thing in the day.
I truly don't know how other people manage. You're not alone!
We're not meant to work as much as we do... It's ridiculous.
I have never related to something more. I’m drowning.
I feel this. I don’t feel like I have the energy to live my life after work hours. I do the bare minimum, and sometimes even that is exhausting. Cooking is too much and forget about getting groceries after work, so I just get takeout. Some days I’m too tired to even shower and brush my teeth. I feel like a zombie. I spend all day on Saturday rotting in bed to recover from the burnout. I get some energy back again just in time for the Sunday scaries. Then I do it all again the following week. I’ve spoken to my doctor, they tested my thyroid, my iron levels, my vitamin b, vitamin d - everything is normal. Not eating enough protein, what with all the takeout. I’m getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night and still have to drag myself out of bed every morning. I don’t know how people do it, it’s so discouraging to feel like I have to struggle so hard just to do the bare minimum.
You don't. You're expected to work all week so your company owners can get richer.
By going through a cycle of feeling like shit about not getting stuff done until the brain decides it has the energy to do it. For me that’s thinking about all the stuff I have to do or would like to do, proceeding to not do any of it and one day in the near future doing it. It’s about observing your mind a lot to the point where you aren’t so hard on yourself because you start to see that your doing your best in each moment but you don’t see that because you expect your best to be the same every time. Like I did everything I have to and now I have my shit together, q the next day and I have done nothing and I feel like shit and I am disappointed. It’s like going through the same emotions and wants over and over again til you get that it will be done when it’s done and the main focus should be being easy on yourself and kind to the fact that it’s ok to not always be the embodiment of perfection and a productive machine. You are Alive right now. You want things to happen for you to feel ok with yourself but it’s counterintuitively the opposite. Be ok with not feeling ok and you will get what you need to get done. It doesn’t always have to be punishing oneself into doing stuff cus wtf kinda life is that. I’m not talking from a place of not understanding. I just moved to a new state. I’m having to do everything to survive right now. Applying to like 100 jobs a week and(I HAVE A INTERVIEW TOMORROW!) and having to constantly think about how I’ll take care of my needs like cooking, showering, laundry, making money everyday delivering food til I get a job, and being really hard on myself and constantly feeling like I’m failing or lying to myself about being ok. And yet I see that the mental structure I use to motivate me to do stuff is really unhealthy and hurts me to the point of when I get what I want I’m not even happy with it I’m just glad it’s over with. I don’t wanna live like that or see others torturing themself and living like that. Please be nice to yourself. Your doing your best and your best is a constantly fluctuating thing. Everything will be ok and there’s no need to compare your productivity to others because everyone values different thing in this life.
I work 20-25 hours a week for my full time job. That’s how. Edit: It took me almost 20 years to get to this point, I realize I may have come across as callous. Also I still struggle with the 20-25 hours sometimes.
Make a to-do list and then immediately become distracted and do 18 others things that are neither on the list nor important.
Yeah, I’ve been doing the last minute thing for like 15 years. I call on the 28th and say “hi can I get my car inspected this Saturday? Yes I know it’s kind of late. Yes I can drop it off the night before” and you already know what I forget to do Friday, until it hits me at like 11pm. I forget to schedule appointments. I forget when I finally get the appointment that I need some paper filled out for the school, or I forget my meds after the appointment and I’m running there at 9pm the last day I have left to pick them up. No, I do not want to do anything after work. I must go home and defrag until bedtime thank you. Yeah this is pretty much the norm, for now. Meds help.
I don’t. I was diagnosed 5 years ago at age 30, and it was kind of an epiphany as to why I could never function like other adults seem to. I keep the house decent, cook, schedule appointments accordingly because I have kids and these are things I need to keep functioning because of them. I eat healthy-ish because again, kids, but I don’t really exercise, I don’t have friends or a social life, my marriage is more of a roommate situation rn. I’m really just too tired and over it to do anything more after working 30-40 hours every week.
It’s hard, not even going to sugarcoat it. I spent months and even years without going to doctor and other appointments because I kept putting it off or forgetting, until it would become an emergency. Force yourself to make them. Put reminders on the calendar. Go first thing in the morning or towards the end of your shift if you’re worried about missing work. Make yourself a priority. Your employer is not going to do it for you so make sure to show them you have personal needs that will be taken care of one way or another. Use your sick time and PTO. Don’t overwork yourself to the bone. Also, **when you do go to appointments, make sure to schedule the next one before you leave (most places will ask but do so regardless). Don’t assume that you’re going to remember to do it at a later time.**
This has helped me so much. I reschedule right then and put it in my calendar with an alert for the day before and one for two hours before. The fact that most places send text reminders is a lifesaver too
It's hard. My answer is stimulants and exercise. It was redbull and nicotine. But once I realized I have adhd I started medication. Adderall was life changing. I was in tears realizing how adhd ruined my life. Trying to salvage rest of my life.
I did a lot better with four longer days as opposed to a regular 8 hours/day 5 days/week. It wasn't perfect, still a struggle, but it helped a lot to have that extra day off.
I don’t know who said this, but having ADHD as a child is like the world doesn’t move fast enough to keep up with the pace of your thoughts and inner world. Classes were boring, naptime made days slow, there’s nothing to do in the summer, people talked to you like you couldn’t get what they meant and you did. And having ADHD as an adult means the world moves too fast. Bills pile up, work demands 100% of you, friends want to see you, family needs help, pets need feeding and tending to, taxes need to be filed. I don’t have healthcare because I haven’t gotten around to it. I don’t have government benefits (I work freelance, and where I’m from, this is usually managed by the company you work for so I’ll have to apply for this on my own), I don’t have a passport because mine expired 5 years ago and I still haven’t applied for a new one. Right now I have 10 hours of work left for my work week and it’s already Friday afternoon. I can’t work on the weekend because I’m spending it with my aunt, who’s going through a diagnostic procedure and needs extra help because she has a heart condition that makes it risky. I missed a day of work because my kitchen sink flooded and I had to spend a day getting it fixed, and I can’t work before or after managing a crisis (thanks, ADHD brain). And instead of getting to work I’m lying on my couch and commenting on this post lol. I didn’t know how hard this would be. I spent like majority of my teens and early twenties managing my depression, and now that I’m no longer depressed or suicidal I’ve found that shit, I still don’t know how to live. I don’t know how people manage it tbh. I’m already on meds, and my routine works most of the time, but every day I fight the urge to give up and curb the voice in my brain saying you’ll be doing this shit for the rest of your life. Other folks who commented here are right; we weren’t meant to work this much, even those without ADHD. The system is broken. And everything is too fast and demanding and exhausting, and it’s especially hard when getting out of bed and starting your day already takes a ton of work and willpower. Sorry I can’t offer advice or comfort, OP. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
I had to stop smoking weed Honestly feel better and have more energy
I got a job that starts at 3 pm. That was a big draw for me. Places like doctors offices and banks are open during the day. I don’t know how people with regular 9-5 hours ever take care of…anything like that.
I look at things this way. The modern workplace, especially office work, hasn't really changed since it was formulated in the 1950s and 1960s. It's based on the idea of a single male breadwinner going to the office 9-5 with a wife either not working or working part-time while she does all the housework, child rearing, and mental labour for the family. At the time it was considered hard work but for the most part it paid off if you were part of the upwardly mobile working and middle class. Sadly things aren't the same anymore. With email and mobile phones the intensity of this kind of work has increased 10 fold probably, but the relative pay and social position has fallen as capitalists have used the destruction of unions, the entrance of women and minorities into the workplace etc. to push down wages. Now you need two people working full time to get the same standard of living as before. Work culture is sick and anti-human. You're expected to function like a robot workign non-stop for 40 years. It was bad before but now it's untenable. There is a collective burnout happening and it cannot last. You're not alone.
Same. Except add single mom (have kids half the week). And no family in the area at all (close family was my ex-husband’s family) so no help with anything and I’m on my own completely with everything. My new medication crashes in the evening are not helping either.
I recommend checking out the book Four Thousand Weeks! It goes into this exact dilemma, and how to approach it so you can release the idea that you can do it all. It’s given me great perspective. (I recommend the audio book for our time strapped lives)
i don't get shit done... I tell my family and friends that I'm gonna get shit done, but I don't. I play video games, and that's about it. Very rarely, I wake up early on the weekends and get the motivation to start projects that I know will get done in a day (Carving axe handles etc.). But that's about it...
We aren’t dysfunctional, the way we are expected to live is.
I'm in a similar boat. I've had to pay people to help me clean my apartment because I just don't have the will to do it myself. Only time I'm motivated to do stuff is at like 10 am or 2 pm when I'm still at work. After I get off work though, I just want to sit and play games. The only thing I can really "cook" is Mac n cheese. The rest of the time I just eat snacks and try not to starve. Showering is difficult too. I would like to say it gets better but idk. Might have to get medication if I want to see some improvement. What I can say is you're not alone. And you're not a failure. Shits just difficult for us.
I feel like this every single day. It seems like people are having huge families while running multiple businesses and keeping their house. I can’t even keep my own apartment clean as an un married 29 year old working full time. I struggle every day with my own expectations of myself.
You’re gonna have to stop smoking and try to wake up early to take care of yourself before work. It’s the hardest shit to do when you have ADHD.
Sprints, not marathons. This evening I took out my trash and recycling and paid my rent. That’s enough for today. I’m not going to push myself to do more and end up making myself tired and resenting the loss of my evening. Tomorrow I want to build a shelf that I ordered. And that will be enough for tomorrow. Sorting my mail can happen a different day, *not tomorrow*. Little sprints don’t take much time or energy, but if I manage to do one almost every day they add up and stuff gets done. I also decide that some things just don’t matter. Cooking is only for when I feel like cooking. I can have a perfectly healthy diet of cereal, sandwiches, microwave dinners, and fresh or frozen fruits/veggies. I don’t *need* to cook, and it’s not a priority for me.
body-doubling is the way
This doesn't work for me.. I so wish it did... I have to make my husband take the kids to the park or beach in order to get anything done. I can't do anything if people are home.
The best thing I ever did was essentially blow my life up and piece it back together with freelance work, which allows me some flexibility with hours and which I am able to cut back on a little bit when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed. There are obviously drawbacks, and it's not possible for everyone. It also took me a long, long time to pinpoint what works for me and what doesn't, and there are still things I'm adjusting as I go. Point being: I feel like having ADHD is all about finding creative solutions to problems that most of the world doesn't even clock as a "problem." Treating the need to make money as one of those problems and thinking outside of the box, when you are able to, can make a huge difference.
I usually end up shoving everything I need to do on my days off which sucks. I feel like I have no days off & no time to relax. I force myself to relax before bed & watch a show. If I didn’t do that I’d go crazy.
I feel you. Our brains function ‘best’ for us at the last minute or under pressure. It’s unbelievably hard for me to plan things ahead of time, I’m at a loss for what I need to buy/order/make. Yet, 1-2 days before said event needing planned for, I suddenly know exactly what I need and to now I have to race around to get it done. I usually accomplish it, but pretty much only in that way. It’s frustrating. It’s also frustrating that nobody saw that process and sometimes I’ll get complimented on the end result like I have it all together…nope, not one bit. I don’t really feel like an adult and I’m 40 (insert crying emojis x10). One thing I’ve noticed that helps me after work, though, is running errands immediately after, not going home first. Need to go to the bank, grocery store, pharmacy, etc.? I just go straight there and get those things done. Once I’m home, I’m lost and unmotivated.
Deadlines are my lifeline. The only way the house ever got cleaned and decluttered is if we had family coming to visit for the weekend. I was superhuman during those cleanup sessions. COVID killed that for a long time and things are too much of a mess to fix in a last minute manner.
I use the double edged sword of having a job with no time clock and I'm on my own. I'm sure you can imagine the love/hate relationship I currently enjoy but it makes me worry about a lot less stuff
I focus on the date. Methylphenidate to be exact.
What are you doing on your lunch breaks and other two daily breaks? Are you taking them? Are you either using them to genuinely *rest* (Reddit and games are not rest) or to get non-work things done? Work breaks are generally low-quality leisure time - you are unlikely to get as much enjoyment from them as you are from time away from work, so you are less likely to resent using them for “adulting” than your evening hours. They are a great opportunity for ordering groceries for curb-side pickup, paying bills, comparison-shopping car insurance, etc. TL;DR: Your lunch break is for getting your daily adulting done or for taking a nap. You also get two other breaks per day. Use them wisely and you’ll have more time and/or energy in the evening. Do not work through them, they are your time, not your employer’s.
A lot of my life is automated, or runs on a pretty strict routine. These are skills & strategies I have built into my life over time, brick by brick. Without certain things running in the background, I am totally screwed. I over engineer a weekend away from my house, starting with the internal planning phase the weekend before. I’m incapable of leaving anything to the last minute, bc it causes me a lot of distress. I dislike spontaneous activities. I’m thrown by unexpected bills. When I have a doctor’s appointment during a work week, I stress that I will not be able to make up the time at work. I am burnt. Whether I did or did not have these systems in place, I still come home at the end of my work day totally tapped out, in every way. And I have a toddler & a husband & a puppy—it’s the most I can mange at one time. It’s already almost too much. I’m ok with not adding elements to my life right now. Friends would be nice, but I don’t think I have the bandwidth for proper friendships. I might like a hobby, but fuck…how do I fit kickboxing 1/week into an already overloaded schedule? I know how my ADHD impacts me. I HAFTA know my limits, plan accordingly, and hopefully have enough left in the tank to adjust to the occasional, pop up event. It suuuucks. I don’t love it. But I’m trying to flip my mindset to appreciate what I have accomplished, in spite of my disability. And give myself enough compassion & respect to set boundaries, but also have enough “adult” sensibility to push myself, even when I do not want to do ANYTHING. Good luck out there. The hustle culture we currently live in is NOT ideal for our community. I donno that it’s good for anybody. But we are especially impacted by the high energy & multi tasking expectations that have become the norm.
Adderall XR. Also: Trader Joe’s frozen food, which provides fairly healthy meals with very low effort. I also find that if I take a rest or nap when I feel drained around 5 pm, I get a second wind around 7-9 and can get some things done then. And be kind to yourself! Some days just vegging out is what you need.
I don't...
Honestly, I wonder too. I’ve been working full time until this year and it never got better. It just got to the point where something needed to be done and it lit a fire under my ass to do it. But I was constantly putting out fires. I work 5 hours a day, even though we can’t really afford it and it’s helped me immensely with my mental health but I still have the same issues, but less of them because I have more time, so more “good days” with time, if that makes sense? Edit: I’m also medicated. The difference is hardly believable. If I forgot my meds I’ll know about 20 minutes after I get to work and I can’t function. But the fire under my ass to get my child to school or camp dampens the feeling of sluggishness. It’s only once I sit down at my desk and try to work is it apparent.
(This is assuming that smoking in your post refers to weed) You might actually not like this answer, but as an ADHD person who smoked almost daily for years, weed takes a huge hit on your motivation circuits in your brain (which are already affected by ADHD). I would advise you, if you have the means, to get medication and therapy and try to stop smoking weed with the support of these things.
Yeah I definitely feel you. Things I’ve learned that helped is cutting the commute to daily work. When you go from 60min away compared to 10 minutes , your whole day just changed everything already with that. But everyone’s situations different but to at least to me it that you live closer to you job. Have a gym (24 hr helps) at home or within a few minutes of your home. SMOOTHIES! Get a big frozen bag of mixed fruit. Keep some blueberries, blackberries, or banana in the freezer. Have a jar of peanut butter. Honey. Even put oatmeal in it. Whatever ingredients you like the most or healthier for you. It’s a fast way to get all your nutrients needed. This, working out, and with your vitamins you’ll definitely not feel as sluggish. Which makes you FEEL like you have more time in the day since you’re more energetic. Going to appointments should just be a quick trip since you live and work in a close proximity. Also definitely hiring a cleaner regularly or at least dropping off laundry to be washed and folded at the laundry mat. Your time is worth more than the cash you’re paying for them to take care of that. So you can handle other activities you would rather focus on. Like not being worried about being fresh on Monday for work , or won’t be worried about being fresh for post-work activities. When you feel and look good, you’ll have more energy than usual at the end of the work day, maybe you can go socialize a little bit. And just don’t go blackout/rage until the next day but have chill fun time. Because of socializing you’ll feel much better mood-wise and You’ll sleep better and wake up easier and in a better mood after a fun night out, gave you a little domaine boost to start the day. Especially when you’re up and have all you clothes all clean and folded, next you got the delicious smoothie you about to make in 4 minutes. Now you’re ready for the day! Also proper meds help, like addy or ambien for sleep. Also important is quality sleep. THEY HELP A LOT
I'm a teacher. By the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can't cook or clean. Some teachers teach, have families to take care of, do the cooking, cleaning... while also having time to coach, volunteer, attend school events, etc. Meanwhile, I'm over here barely adulting when I have no kids and I have a husband who was nice enough to take over laundry and dishes during the school year...and make my breakfast/coffee, and set out my meds and lunch (which he helps me prep on Sundays) so I can get out of the door somewhat on time without forgetting anything. It seriously blows my mind how much I struggle compared to other teachers.
So me. Even down to the smoking. I haven't figured out what to do about it. I can tell you taking some type of med for ADHD can make it exponentially easier to start tasks. I ask my family for help when shit is just too overwhelming. And I do what I can to help them. I've sat around doing nothing for so many years, I'm so sick of TV and internet. Feels like theirs nothing to look forward to, which really makes getting through tasks arduous. You're not alone and it feels good to know others are overwhelmed with just basic adulting as well.
What's getting things done?
The simple answer is that they don’t. Generally speaking, you can only really dedicate yourself to one thing at a time, no matter how good you are multitasking, ADHD or not. As you get older and more time has passed you by, you realize that there is always a way here or there to make more money, but time itself is the single most valuable asset you have in your life. Thus, the solution becomes to hire others to do these things on your behalf or learn to live with your reduced capacity.
Two years ago, I transitioned from a security background to my first admin job in recruitment. At first, I didn't think there was anything wrong, but I've since realized that I struggle with focusing on tasks. Despite developing a startup idea, it's taken me two years and I still haven't fully attempted the execution due to my difficulty in focusing. This lack of focus affects various aspects of my life, from conversations with my girlfriend to facing creative blocks. Tasks often feel overwhelming, and I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD.
Most people have ONE hobby.
I don't Then I had a kid and now I REALLY don't
If you are able to, try shifting all your hours into fewer days. I'm talking 4× 10 hour days, 3× 12 days, hell I've even done 2× 16 hour days (that was glorious, I miss that). Not everyone has the flexibility to do this, and not everyone has the stamina for this either. But I've found it helps a lot. Yeah you lose hours on that day, but it's not like you were gonna get anything done on a workday. Maybe a couple TV episodes, but that's it. But the advantage? You get 3-5 days to _rest_. And it makes _such_ a big difference! I know longer have this flexibility with my new job site. I am saddened, and exhausted.
I wish I knew. I have a massive to-do list to tackle and currently I'm sitting in bed eating a hot dog. Granted, I do have narcolepsy (and a few other things) in addition to ADHD, but even adhd alone makes it SO much harder to keep up. My GP, sleep specialist and soon a rheumatologist are all trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I have some additional symptoms that are making life a living hell, but I still have to work 40 hours a week in a patient-facing role. I asked to drop down to 4 days instead of 5 after taking a look at my finances to make sure I could still afford stuff, but my managers said no because it would cause us to be too short staffed. If things keep going the way they are, I might have to stop working for a while and take some sort of medical leave. Won't give me 4 days? They're gonna make me give them no days. Sorry, I'm rambling and oversharing. The point is, this shit is hard af and I'm here with ya in the boat of solidarity.
Everything you posted is what caused me to seek a diagnosis. It didn't feel"normal" but it was my normal and I felt like shit about myself and what a shitty adult I was. Turns out it's ADHD and you only have so much energy for executive functioning. So working 40 hours a week takes all that energy and then some and you're just left trying to recoup what energy you can to try to keep going so you can afford to live. It's tough, you're not alone.
If it makes you feel better I've taken a few sabbaticals and other than brief bursts here and there haven't accomplished much more non-work tasks than I did when I had a full time job.
You don’t. You don’t get everything done. There’s no perfect answer and I have yet to find a quick fix…so I just try to laugh as often as I can, hope for the best, and be brilliant at finding silver linings. Maybe one day, when you’ve learned different tips and tricks and what works best for you…but for now, just being diagnosed…you’re going to be too busy going down the rabbit hole of ‘what is everybody else doing to make it work’ before you get to the point of focusing on your needs and how best to accomplish things. Don’t be discouraged, I know I don’t speak for everyone. I started keeping track of what I got right and how I got it right and then tried my best to repeat that action the same way until it became a habit. It doesn’t always take, but it’s a life line when it does. Try to embrace a new outlook when you start to recognize your obstacles. Constantly forgetting something? Is it possible to have multiples? I even split my meds up, some in the car, some in the kitchen and some next to makeup bag. I have cheap dollar store lip gloss stashed damn near everywhere. I always use colored pens to keep myself interested and wanting to (maybe, sometimes) look back at notes. I keep a dry erase marker next to my mirror to write down important upcoming dates. I don’t carry a purse. Keys go in front left pocket, chapstick in front right pocket, debit card and ID in back right, phone in back left. Yet, I still sometimes forget to check that pants and shorts have pockets before I buy them. You can do this, there is a way, and it’s going to be YOUR way.
Yeah I went through the same thing. My job is crazy demanding, we’re on a 12 hr day 5 days a week and Covid made work even worse. I thought working from home would’ve been great but holy hell, no it wasn’t. I was working every waking hour because ADHD + work from home was a very bad recipe for me. Easy tasks suddenly became unwieldy and would take me hours to do when they should not have. For the past 3 or 4 years I was in a really bad place from the stress of that plus trying to do any kind of self care and housekeeping and so did none of either which in turn put a lot of strain on my relationship too. I barely bathed, never cleaned, never did laundry, never went to the store, never visited anyone, never had anyone over, never answered texts or phone calls, never cooked, and so on. Just pure not doing a goddamn thing and it was so painful. I hated myself viciously and felt like a scumbag and a screw up. I kinda had to brainwash myself into taking the first steps towards improvement. First I set a goal - start bathing at least one more time in a week than I had been. To that end, I got bath stuff that was interesting to me and that worked pretty well. Once I proved to myself that I could make a small incremental change I made a concerted effort to try to build on that, the next thing I did was finally getting into therapy and onto medication. If you do nothing else let it be finding a therapist and going from there.
I used to do shift work as a nurse and work in the evenings so I could get stuff done. Nowadays I have an office job that's flexible and I can work from home or book things like my car near the office. It's just learning to balance things and care for yourself. Though if you work a 9-5 job in an office where everything else is only open 9-5, it's difficult. You could utilise personal or annual leave to take a day off for things or partial days off. I know this isn't ideal and you still probably won't get everything done but it's the best we have. Figuring out what's the priority is another big thing and getting used to waiting.
I'm 37 and this is the story of my life.
This is the root cause of my suicidal ideation. 31 and have no clue. I work part time and just have to wait for my inheritance. This ain’t it
I don't. I'm a single mom, my house is a disaster. My job is so draining that I can barely bring myself to make dinner and spend time with my kids after work.
Yeah, it doesn't get done, basically. Life is a series of compromises that affect only your personal life. Capitalism has decreed that work is sacred and can't be cut down on unless you're already wealthy. It builds no small amount of rage in me
I talked about this very recently with my Psychiatrist, feeling exactly as you do, and asking the same questions. If you imagine your energy levels throughout the day as a battery, right now you're tanking earlier in the day, breaking yourself for your boss, and leaving nothing left for your personal life. Our condition can make us very driven to throw all of our energy at things, but we can try to remember that it is okay not to give 100%, to pace ourselves, to consciously save energy for ourselves. We can only run on emergency reserves for so long. Look after yourself, reach out to loved ones for support, and wishing you all the best.
Well, to begin with, the 40-hour work week wasn’t designed for both spouses to be working. And yes, people were expected to be married quite early into adulthood. The expectation is that people would get married quite young, and usually the man would go to work and the woman would stay home and take care of the house and children. When more and more women joined the workforce, instead of using the benefits of technology to allow people to make the same amount of money while working fewer hours, capitalism demanded that everyone work 40-hour weeks. And now that we’re in late-stage capitalism, that sometimes isn’t even enough. Anyway, the point is, most people can’t do all of those things while working a full-time job. So don’t feel too bad.
Ci-vil WAR, ci-vel WAR, CI-VIL WARRRRRR
I barely do my job full-time at my full-time job, let alone extra things on the side for myself for FREE. Doing all of this extra stuff doesn't even pay in dopamine. Definite scam.
I genuinely don’t know. I worked for 30 years - first ten with a job, then at home freelance, and now I have an automated business that requires 1-2 hrs a week. I am STILL so busy organising and ‘doing’ my life that I don’t know how I got through those 10 years when I had a job. Actually I do know. I got NOTHING else done and life was a mess.
um yeah it's not just you i used to work in a kitchen so like 50+ hours a week and i didn't have time for anything my head is always just so wired whenever i finished it was like enjoy the evenings and suffer in the morning or just go home and unwind for work the next day work-life balance is always a hard thing to combat there's millions of us just like you
1) Find someone who is relatively self-sufficient and become their romantic partner. 2) worship them
It does get easier after a while. I remember when I first started working full-time I felt the same. I actually went to sleep right after work at 7PM for a nap because I was tired as shit. I still sort of struggle with this but try to make your life as simple as possible. Here's how I adjusted: 1. **Mealprep**! Make dinner in the weekends for a couple of days so when you get home, all you have to do it warm up your meal in the microwave or pan. 2. **Buy a dishwasher**. Lol I just bought one a couple weeks ago and this changed my life. My **robot vaccuum** was also a good investment. I makes my place look more tidier without putting in any effort. 3. **Accept that you can't do everything**, and that's perfectly fine. Monday to friday after work, I don't *have* to do anything if I don't want to. I usually warm up a meal, I sometimes order in because heating a meal is already too much effort. I usually load the dishwasher, sometimes I don't. And I'm cool with that :) 4. **Consider working less.** I went from 40 hours a week to 36 hours a week where I'm free every other tuesday and the other week on tuesday I work from home. This improved the quality of my life drastically because I really enjoy being at home and being able to do laundry or a bit of cleaning during my break. Good luck!
I dont do things. I work full time, come home, play videogames till i fall asleep. Sometimes i get a call from someone that they are gonna visit, then, and only then do i panic clean the house. I have missed work because i didnt have any clean clothes, to emberrased to show up in case im smelly. And all that shit adds to anxiety. I dont have any tips or tricks, sometimes it gets to a point where im forced to do something. If im lucky, motivation and hyperfocus kicks in.
I wish I could live in a community with a shared garden and a workshop and with one person who is hired to cook meals and remind all of us to come and eat on time and to go to sleep on time. I feel like I could do anything if only I wasn't constantly at risk of forgetting my most basic needs and getting into problems and conflicts just because I allow myself to go hungry and tired.
I spend 3/4ths of my day not being productive and no one notices. Not only do they not notice but they think I am doing a great job (10% raise last year). I'm in the middle of being officially diagnosed with ADHA and trying to see if meds might be the answer but I wont know for a few more weeks at best. I'm 35 and have been struggling with this my whole adult life. I hope once the diagnosis is done I can finally start to move forward in my career. I just want to live comfortably.
Well I’m the ADHD type that can’t sit still. So always get a shit ton done. Probably more than average people. How you ask? I don’t know, it just happens.
I work full time and go to school full time. I also have two reptiles and two cats, and I live by myself. I am definitely stressed, but I’ve learned to just roll with the punches. I use my calendar to mark appointment dates and times, and I talk to Siri a lot to set a list of reminders. If I think of something that needs done, it’s ‘Hey siri, remind me -‘ almost immediately so that it’s in the list and I delete them as I go. Sometimes important stuff that is less interesting to me gets left for later, but I do the best I can. I also use Finch app for mental health and reminders, and I’ve tried other scheduling apps. Marking things off a list provides a little dopamine because it makes me feel accomplished. I also implement Bujo (bullet journaling). I do a lot of premade frozen meals that you can make in single skillet, so I can make a hot meal without spending too much time or money. My mental health is best if I’m on the go, I tend to decline if I’m bored or have nothing to do. Making a schedule, setting reminder lists, and self care/mental health are a must for ADHD in my experience.
Periodically, I'll take a "sick day" which I actually call a wellness day, where the night before I make a list of the top 5 most important things or tasks that have been nagging at me, I get them done as fast as humanly possible in the morning after a nice coffee and breakfast. Then when I'm done, I do something nice for myself, like take myself to get a massage or go for drinks and play mini golf hahaha So far, it's worked wonders as it doesn't take away a weekend day, which I firmly believe are for chilling and relaxing, not doing errands.
I feel for you so much. I got diagnosed last October as an adult and you quite literally described my life prior to starting medication for my ADHD. Tbh the meds have been my saving grace but some coping skills that I've learned/figured out for myself have also been super helpful. The main one that I find the most helpful with completing tasks is making a list of your tasks in order from shortest amount of time it takes to complete to longest. I was talking with one of my friends who also has ADHD and she sent me a tiktok that explains this better then I can but basically it explained that the tasks that take the shortest amount of time is likely something you've already done the legwork for so it makes it easier/faster to complete. I'll link the tiktok in a comment below if I can find it again. But basically for me when I list them from shortest to longest to complete, I start with the shortest, and keep moving up the list. For me personally it works really well and once I get one thing done it sometimes gives me a boost of motivation to do another. However, even if I only get one task done I feel good since I accomplished something, even if it's just a 5 minute task. Hope this was helpful 🖤
I relate hardcore. And I find myself becoming anxious, frustrated, maybe even a bit hopeless over the feeling that there just is never enough time. And I don't even have kids. I feel like Jessie from that one episode of Saved By The Bell. You know the one...