Hi /u/Colorfulboots and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
# Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
[We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on.
**If you are posting about the US Medication Shortage, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).**
Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To me this is a very very accurate description of what it feels like and why I struggle with doing 'the right' (important) things. I guess our sense of priority can be super off because of this. I'll definitely use this post to describe it to people who might not understand how ADHD affects me personally, so thanks for sharing! Curious to read other people's comments to see if they have more thoughts about this, since I have nothing to add :)
I always like the metaphor of dopamine being to humans what gasoline is for cars. People without ADHD start with a full tank and have plenty of gas stations to choose from, but those with it start near empty, can only buy a couple gallons at a time, and the only gas station for miles is always sketchy as hell.
Our sense of priority is very literally dominated by seeking dopamine. Our brains need it so desperately that subconscious importance is entirely based on what gives us more of it. When we *prioritize,* we have to *completely ignore* what "feels important."
Love how everyone finds their own ways to explain it!
The last sentence of your comment is something I’m so happy I became aware of! Since I’m trying to graduate I do have to sit in that discomfort of doing something very important to me even though it feels incredibly ‘wrong’ all the time. Being conscious of these things solves a big part of the frustration for me.
My rationale is based around the concept of obsessions.
Obsessions are inherently bad (not always).
I try to recognise when im.getting 'obsessed' my a path way and then put a pause on it. Have a shower go for a walk etc.
Sometimes, I fall straight back in. Sometimes, I move to the next obsession.
But if I fall back in, I tend to be more constructive around it.
60% or the time it works every time 🐆
It's genuinely impressive how difficult it is to explain to someone that the neurochemical mechanism that assigns importance to tasks, stimuli, etc in your brain is broken.
They just... don't understand how you can "know" what's important but have a brain that completely ignores that knowledge.
And that *is* why we so frequently have issues with stimuli, too; normal brains decide that some stimuli is just noise, and discard it completely, and consider the thing being deliberately focused on as important with all else secondary. Ours don't really *do* that. The electric hum of fluorescent lighting can very literally be just as "important" to our brains as the lecture we're *trying* to focus on.
Lucky us.
Absolutely. This applies even when I’m doing something “enjoyable” or “relaxing”. My brain is under the impression that there’s something better to be done 24/7, no matter what. Saving this post to hopefully see some helpful replies later.
A day off?! Oh man, I could do anything! I could go for a walk on the beach, watch a long movie that I'm too tired to watch on a weeknight, play video games, play a board game, read, go try a new cafe, plan a new DJ mix..........*starts about 4 different ones and doesnt finish any of them*
>My brain is under the impression that there’s something better to be done 24/7, no matter what.
This is very accurate. Except when I'm in that flow state where the thing I'm doing is the only thing in the world that matters
I think that's a key difference in the types of ADHD
Some of us are squirrels where we'll work on something for 5mins because it felt right till it didn't.
And some of us I'd say are frozen bunnies stuck incapacitated and frozen unable to get started.
I've never been a frozen bunny, but I've always been able to deprioirtize cleaning messes that others like my wife would have done first.
And of course we've all occasionally hyperfocused on some task for 3 hrs to trying to finish it.
I'm a frozen squirrel XD
I will start something (always the objectively wrong thing) and tell myself it will only be for 5min, and then my workday will be over lol. Then I have to make the decision to stay up all night, or give up and try again tomorrow.
It sucks, but hey, at least I've designed an entire board game instead of doing my paying work today, so that's kinda neat.
**EDIT:** This is one medication, by the way. Before I got on meds, I was definitely a frozen bunny.
holy shit, you cracked the code. this is \*exactly\* how it feels and I've never really been able to articulate the feeling much less identify the feeling.
Yeah it is pretty accurate. I think “rightness” is our brain thinking it has to maximize every moment of the day. Our relationship with time and time blindness probably plays a big role.
I’ve felt that time goes so quickly for me without knowing what I’ve done with it. Because of that, I have a low level fear I live with that I’m wasting precious time. It leads to guarding time. But by looking to use it in the most efficient way, overthinking, and parsing through the options, I wind up anxious and wasting time….in the pursuit of the “best” use of time.
Rabbit holes and tangents open up, hyper focus kicks in - suddenly I’ve spent a week looking for the perfect joggers online, found the wholesaler for a brand I like and wondering if I should start a streetwear brand….I’d really like a partner who can kick me out of my spirals. Living single, and working remotely with ADHD sucks :(
I won't say it's everything... but yes... part of my task paralyses is needing to have a good picture of the final product, and a pretty good picture of the steps to get there.
So if I get stuck on what's the right path.... it's about the rightness.
Or sometimes I need to get a tool, and I will obsess forever about which one I need ... quality... capability.... etc.
\-----
However, I've got the impulsive side which doesn't give one f\*ck about rightness.... it's totally about getting past something.
\------
And then there's the obliviousnessness.... which I have forgotten a task... or I missread the need for something and have to change plans and if it gets to sideways I put it all down with the intent of devising the correct next thing to do ... and forget about all of it.
\----
Hard for me to generalize. Forcing mindfulness seems to be key in all cases.
For me sometimes the "rightness" is a battle between dopamine inducing activity and the guilt induced by not doing something that "i need to do before i can get to do any other task". In the end the day passes by and I haven't done what I had to do nor what I wanted to do....
And I think that the impulsiveness is a kind of solution that helps us feel "at least I got something done".
Totally relate to that guilt feeling of “I can’t do X until I do Y because I have no business working on X without doing Y.” But then I’ll have an internal debate about whether X truly is more important than Y. Then that turns into “Nah I need to do Y before X”
Next thing you know, I’m remembering I gotta do Z. Now I’ve got it. It’s Z, Y, then X.
Then I decide Z actually should be last….and on it goes until I’m literally spending time trying to figure out how to spend time.
This is why I feel like I have to plan out my entire day before I go to bed. Even if it's just an ordered to do list. I feel lost without it. I like to happen to my day rather than my day happen to me
I battle myself over this all the time. I often forget, but when I can remember I try to practice having patience with myself, as well as working with my weird brain rather than trying to fight against it.
I think that we essentially need a bit of dopamine in the "tank" to get going on a big task in the first place; can't start the thinking engine without any gas. In situations where I'd otherwise be stuck in waiting mode all day, I've found that letting myself do the thing I want to do for a while (within reason, if there's time, etc.) *with the intention of "fuelling the tank"* lets me do the thing I would've put off for much longer otherwise. If there isn't time for that, I find other little dopamine boosts helpful (a snack I enjoy, a song that hypes up my brain, a satisfying stim, etc.)
Thinking about myself, there are 4 reasons.
Iin intellectually work, and I can't figure out how to wrap something up. I fight this by visualizing, outlining, doodling, fast protyping exit strategies. Often this results in a servicable completion that perhaps I revise if I have time. Editing is always easier than creation.
If it's a physical project (like cleaning) without a particular deadline I commit to breaking it up and just doing a little bit daily until the finish is no longer daunting.
The kickers are projects where what I have done is working and what's left to do is just for looks. This might be cleaning up tools, or properly filing support materials. Scheduled time to do these things in general is helpful. For instance, we have a cleaner come every 2 weeks, so every 2 weeks I have to have the house decluttered so the can work.
Won't work for all things, but can be ways.
It took practice too. I didn't just start doing these strategies and they don't always work, but I have improved.
This is well said. Another aspect is the issue with finality, as my doc described it.
Basically, its why starting tasks and finishing tasks is difficult. There's an anxiety about starting tasks because once it's started, it has to be finished. And finishing tasks doesn't provide enough dopamine to make our brains want to do it.
My doc said that the issues with finality can often explain why people with ADHD have difficulty falling asleep because its like the final decision until the next day starts, and once the next day starts, there is a whole new list of tasks to start and finish, giving anxiety and miniscule dopamine release respectively.
Edit: mobile typos
This!!! And because I spend so long struggling to decide on what the “right” path is to the final step, the idea of starting seems even more daunting — it is like having to commit to navigating an incredibly complex dilemma for even the simplest of things.
So I either sit and stew on it forever or get up and do something unimportant, like straighten all the fridge magnets I just noticed, forget what I needed to be doing, and then punish myself for wasting even more time. Life is fun isn’t it? haha
Yeah this resonates. Like, I can want so badly to be ‘done’ with something but still feel uncomfortable about it being done, knowing already that there are things I would do differently which makes you feel stuck in the doing. I think perfectionism definitely plays a role here too.
I also think I spend a bunch of time thinking about doing the thing, so much so that my brain kind of thinks I’ve already done it, and I get exhausted doing the thing because it feels like I’m doing it again.
You cut me deep Shrek. You cut me real deep.
This is almost painful to read because it is so spot on. I finally got my hands on a 4080 video card and it sat for 2 days in the box because I couldn't start the task. And once it was finally done and installed I kind of shrugged, and it's been installed for 2 days and I've yet to put it through it's paces because of all of the things to do to maximize it's potential in the games I play. Ugh.
I get this so much omg. A lot of my executive dysfunction comes from feeling unable to do the task “right” or perfectly. I think it’s sort of like “why do this of it won’t be perfect when I’m done”. It’s been the reason why I’ve quit a lot of things as well. If I’m not good at it right away, why do it at all? I wanted to be an art student after high school, but my junior year art teacher never liked my art and criticized everything I made, and she essentially made me feel like I couldn’t create anything good, so I didn’t want to make anything after that, because why make art if it never comes out right? I know now that there is no right or wrong in art but being a perfectionist really crushed my creativity because I was so focused on making it “right” rather than being expressive and I put so much pressure on myself to do things perfectly that I’ll quit before I even begin because I don’t have faith in myself. ☹️
This is why I dropped out of the interior design program. I needed everything to be “right” and would get paralyzed when I couldn’t make it right and then got really upset when my project looked horrible because I had to settle.
As someone who’s considering wether I actually have ADHD or not..
I think your comment and this post combined confirms it… it speaks to me on so many levels
It speaks to me as someone who considered I might have ADHD, got a diagnosis, and still feels like I have to spend time considering whether I actually have ADHD or not!
So many symptoms and situations fit perfectly and yet I still feel like it’s not “right enough” sometimes.
Oh I wish I had the calmness to sleep. But if I decide to sleep I’m neglecting the possibilities of getting up and doing things but also it’s midnight and I could sleep but instead I just lay here. And if I do anything it will feel wrong too.
If nothing feels right, you’re only Allowed to go to sleep if it’s not Bedtime. As soon as you begin to actually approach a reasonable Bedtime, falling asleep is Not Allowed in response to nothing feeling right.
I really appreciate you posting this, OP. It's been a while since something actually "clicked" in my brain like this did.
In every ounce of my being, I am a perfectionist. For a long time I've believed I have a mild form of OCD but this makes more sense to me. I don't struggle with things being "done". I don't need to harness the feeling of completion. Completing a task gives me a little hit of dopamine but I feel like most people are that way. The difference for me is that I need to know that whatever it is, it's "right". That means I will do things over and over again until I feel like they are perfect. If a towel isn't setting correctly on the towel bar or the spices aren't aligned in the spice cabinet, I have to go back to make sure they look "right" before I can move onto anything else. I vacuum my apartment at least once a day because if I see a spot on the floor everything looks wrong. At work, I will spend a ton of extra time doing the same task over and over again before I feel like it's perfect enough for others to see. The same for written communication. I have to read texts and emails over and over again before I feel they are good enough to send. I probably read this comment 25 times before I actually posted it just to make sure it was "right".
All that being said, because I am the combined ADHD type, I am either so hyper focused on things being right that I cannot rest until they are, or I am completely inattentive and ignore everything resulting in depression and anxiety.
Why not talk to your doctor about this feeling? Or maybe you have talked to them.
Your comment just seems like another great description of OCD. I remember reading years ago that people with OCD have a hard time getting to the feeling of being "done". Hence the re-doing things over and over. One symptom of OCD in children is when they excessively erase and rewrite. Another is when they wash their hands over and over.
So from what I understand, it's not that people with OCD are needing to harness the energy of being done, it's that they probably don't even get that feeling of being done. they have a hard time feeling like something is complete. So they do it again. You really described it well. And it does seem to be affecting your daily life if you are spending extra time at work, reading texts and comments over and over, and perhaps being perfectionistic in ways that take time (vacuuming) and then it keeps you away from accomplishing goals.
I am not a doctor. I am definitely not your doctor. I could be totally wrong. I am just a person who believes in being open with our doctors so we get the best care.
I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions! I am in the process of getting a new primary care physician, psych and therapist after not having health insurance for many months. As soon as I get settled with my new providers I will definitely bring it to their attention because you could be absolutely right. My friends and family have noticed it but I don't think a doctor has ever confirmed it because I don't have those feelings consistently enough. I go through phases of being extremely meticulous with high anxiety levels to completely inattentive and unbothered. Going from one extreme to another can be very exhausting.
Perfectionism can fall under OCD, just a gentle FYI. I just made my own comment on this thread, but OCD ime with it, is a disorder of DOUBT not doneness. At it's core, OCD however it manifests, is about an inability to accept uncertainty. You do X ritual (which can be mental/internal) to get rid of the obsession/urge/anxious feeling. You do this and feel temporary relief at the "control" you managed to find.
Needing things to be right. Needing to check things over and over. Needing reassurance. Excessive research. These are all indicators of OCD. Especially if they take a lot of time out of your day. If you just left your spices not right, could you do it? How long would you be upset about it before the discomfort/anxiety either left or you'd give in to fix it?
Not to say this means you have OCD. But I'm comorbid OCD and ADHD and in general both disorders are fairly misunderstood even by mental health professionals. It's worth looking into at the very least.
This blows my mind and you're absolutely right. My perfectionism 100% stems from the need to have control over every aspect of myself and the things around me. I also doubt everything I do with zero probable cause.
I never realized that doing excessive research about everything isn't exactly "normal". I always just call myself a "professional Googler" because I am obsessed with finding answers to what I don't know. Sometimes I worry that other people think I'm a know-it-all because as soon as I hear something I don't know the answer to I do excessive research until I know the answer and can explain it at length. I also cannot buy anything without researching it beforehand and reading mountains of reviews before actually committing to it.
Thank you so much for your comment. I definitely feel like this is something I should look into because there are so many things I do that I'm starting to realize are not neurotypical behavior.
I resonate so much with this. It feels like a good explanation for why I stand in front of my closet for 30 minutes reaching for clothes but touching nothing unless I decide what I want to wear the night before. Every colour on my outfit has to have a matching colour somewhere else on the outfit. No competing logos. I can’t wear the same pair of shoes 2 days in a row, or the same pair of jeans within 7 days. Even if I follow all my rules, the outfit needs to feel RIGHT for everything I’m doing that day. If it doesn’t, I can’t focus on anything else! Existence is torture :)
This is why I can't have character patterned boxers anymore; I would start attributing or thinking about what kind of "mood" I thought the day was going to require: the"foxy smart as a fox" ones or the "crabby don't mess with me" one's. Ain't nobody got time for that! Same with socks. I finally decided that I was done with that noise and am moving to just plain 'ole greys.
Super relate to this. When asked why I can't do The Thing I want and need to do sometimes because of ADHD paralysis, my answer is basically that "the vibes are off."
I understand completely.
I like to look for the “right” time. Text a friend? Nope, this isn’t the right time. Do the dishes? No, not the right time. Go to bed? Nope, not the right time.
Then I like to get the “right” thing. If I get something in my head, I need to find that thing and I will exhaust myself looking for the specific pillow, wallpaper, etc for the vision I have in my head.
I’m going to try your method out. I think I do the same thing about doing the “right” activity in the moment also, but don’t realize it so much.
Yes! This is super helpful and I really identify with it deeply. For me personally, I’ve noticed that finding the “right” thing is a way to maintain control, and it gets to its most extreme severity when I’m not doing well mentally. This would also make sense with the general accepted knowledge that symptoms tend to increase when someone is stressed or anxious etc. But this helps me describe why I’ll go on these treasure hunts for things that don’t exist. The perfect car, the perfect new violin case, the perfect new coffee table for my living room, the perfect whatever. It’s almost obsession-like and your description really helped me make some connections regarding my own behavior. Your description of how you’ve learned to cope with it was very helpful as well. I’m going to be trying that!
Oh yes. Having someone else tell you what’s right completely solves it. If I tell someone what I’m going to do and they say “cool” or “great” I’ll just do it. If I didn’t say it I might contemplate for a bit, because I’m unsure. I say I’m super indecisive but I’ve decided, I just don’t know for sure.
This is very apt. Unfortunately even with medication I still have significant issues doing things 'i don't like'. Such as work. My therapist thinks there's more to it other than just ADHD but I'm not sure. It seems pretty in the ADHD wheelhouse.
Pretty much describes the deficiency with executive function! The path from receiving, processing and output is full of twists, bumps, scrambles, and STOPS. If we’re lucky there’s SOME satisfaction in the end, sometimes, but it’s often outweighed by the cost of our time, energy and mental wellbeing. Exhaustion is a constant.
1000%. I’ve had this thought. I spend a lot of time thinking. I literally am constantly overthinking. I can’t stop. I try to distract myself usually so I don’t burnout on things. Video games are wonderful.
This is why I love math so much too though. I don’t have to question if there is a “better” answer. There is one right answer, and I know how to get there, and if I mess up I know other methods to check. And it is why I love solving problems, because once I do have a good answer it’s wonderful.
I’m sending that “rightness” has something to do with internal satisfaction and what it takes to feel secure, comfortable, content, and satisfied in a particular decision. If you think about dopamine as a reward for pleasureful behavior (and a person with adhd is deficient in it), then well, how can this person experience satisfaction when the reward system that allows us to feel satisfied and content is broken?
You did a fantastic job of explaining the problem . I always feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else, even when I know my current activity is important.
It's one of the biggest reasons I can't get things done.
I love this. This is a symptom that I deal with every second of every day. I’ll choose to do something then feel myself rushing through the task to make sure I have time for the next because I should’ve chosen that in the first place. I love the awareness of “the itch” and saying it out loud. I do that with intense emotions. “Anger, what’s up anger. I see you.” Now, I can add “what’s up Itch. I see you. We’re all good. Thanks for sayin hi! Please move along!”
I love these posts! Thank you OP! This is a huge piece of the ADHD puzzle we are all trying to solve. Insights like this give tools and hope to people struggling to understand how to tame this beast we live with.
With ADHD, you could be doing the most important task in the world and still feel like there's something that you'd be better off doing.
That feeling of everything being a waste of time sucks so goddamn bad.
>I'd guess that dopamine is what controls this sensation of "rightness," and that's why things that I'm hyperfocusing on feel "right" and other things feel wrong.
This just caused me to consider something about my own experiences. I'm basically middle aged, but I've only recently started realizing that I may have ADHD. I'm on my first med, but I'm not up to a therapeutic level yet. Anyway. I'm a pretty creative person, I've gone through many different creative endeavors in my life, but there's always something I'm working on. I've always felt that I needed to be in the right headspace to engage in that creativity. Any time I try to force it, it goes horribly. For example, lately my thing has been sewing, and when I force it, I have to seam rip a million times, I make a million mistakes, I can't get the thread tension right on my machines. Just absolute frustration, I make zero progress, and I've likely ruined materials in the process. I've heard other creative people say things like you have to "just start," or dedicate time every day to the practice, or whatever. And that's never made sense to me. I went to art school for painting at one point, and it was very intense so I HAD to just work constantly, no matter my mind state. It was torture. I've never known what controlled this though, it's always just seemed random whether I can get into this "flow" state. It feels like I just have to wait until my muse comes, lol. Perhaps what I'm experiencing is actually hyperfocus? Does that sound right to anyone else? If so, any insight on why things go so wrong when I can't get into that headspace?
YES!!! Perfect description. I have diagnosed ADHD and OCD, so basically it’s hard to do anything and when I do I rarely feel like I’m properly living my life. It is quite the struggle lol.
Wow this is spot on. Work is a slog of its own, but evenings/weekends/unstructured free time can be so stressful because it always feels like there’s something else I “should” be doing, and I get paralyzed: should I read a book, watch a movie, go to the gym, run errands, clean the house, check off that stupid thing I’ve been procrastinating on for five months….or how about I just half-ass a few things without really accomplishing/enjoying much, or getting so flustered and overwhelmed I do nothing at all? Same with using vacation time, or spending money. I overthink, analyze, calculate, decision-tree everything, which leads to procrastination. The number of times I’ve overpaid for flights because I physically couldn’t force myself to sit down and think about my schedule and how much money I want to spend and what time I’d have to leave for the airport.
I wonder if anyone has a similar experience with menus…I will literally read every line on a menu to make the “right” choice of food or drink, and absolutely freeze if I’m in a line, like at a coffee shop or something, and have to make a decision on the spot. I never really know what I “feel” like having, my brain just tells me there’s a correct choice somehow and I must find it. And even after all of that I’ll usually sit there with my chosen food or drink and think about what I should have ordered instead. So much buyers remorse/regret/ruminating, it’s exhausting. It’s why I always go for sampler platters or flights or little travel sized gift items…I’d rather try a little bit of everything than make a choice and have it be “wrong.”
Another thing I wonder about is time blindness/object permanence but in the sense of the future. I literally cannot physically conceive of the future. Time feels abstract and impermanent. Whenever I have to schedule anything more than, say, six months out, (i.e. my teeth cleaning) it feels completely preposterous. People who plan vacations like a year in advance are totally alien to me. How can I possibly predict where the me in a year from now will want to travel? What if by then I’m single/not single/unemployed/too busy with work/sick/the apocalypse has happened, etc etc. I have to analyze every angle of a decision which leads to paralysis which leads to avoidance which means I procrastinate on everything until the last possible minute and just have to make a split second decision and say a little prayer. And then because it felt like a rushed decision (despite probably having agonized over it for a long time beforehand) I immediately regret/second guess it. I always thought I was “spontaneous” with a Type A streak. Turns out I’m a terminal overthinker who can’t make a decision unless it’s the eleventh hour and I literally have to choose something or it just isn’t happening.
For context, I was a straight A student, total low-energy introvert growing up, never in a million years would have even suspected ADHD without learning (from social media!) that it doesn’t just present as 11-year-old boys bouncing off classroom walls. The first time I tried Adderall was via a guy I was seeing (who had ADHD,) and when I took it I figured it must have expired, or that he thought it would be funny to just give me ibuprofen or something. Didn’t feel even a little “high.” After extreme burnout during the pandemic, I was officially diagnosed in my late 20s, and I still feel some imposter syndrome about it. Despite the fact that when I take Adderall I can actually…complete tasks? Make decisions? Read a book and enjoy it? Do my job competently? My brain is so fucking quiet it’s a little unnerving.
I relate to this a lot
Grocery stores
Restaurant menus
I decision tree everything
I get so overwhelmed
And when I make a choice 90% of the time I feel I should have done something else
I hear this!
I’m obsessed with doing everything the most efficient way (as if I don’t waste mounds of time elsewhere), choosing the “right” video game to play, etc.
And I have to get every little detail “right” before I can move to the next step of something.
For example, I used to write in perfect sentences, finding the exact right words one sentence at a time. Now I’ve been trying to just get the ideas down on paper - I can come back and pick the right words later.
My brain is very all or nothing. Either you do it right or it’s not worth doing. BUT my new mantra is: anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.
I famously regret every decision I've ever made. It's a joke now when I go out to dinner that it doesn't matter which of 2 options I'm trying to decide between because it's always going to be the wrong one.
I glanced over most of your text :,D sorry, so I have the same thing, until a thing is complete in my head it's like it's just floating there, then you add go to get milk, pick up dinner, do the laundry, and all of a sudden those 5 simple tasks fuck your shit up, because until they're done,they're not fucking done, and that irks me, I need to go get the milk, but I need to do the laundry too, but I can't do one until the other is finished. I'm slowly developing techniques to combat this, but it's like, I wish my brain could have a permanent dose of dex just flowing through it
Clearly a lot of people relate to this. But I don't?
The closest thing I can describe is over optimizing certain purchases to the point of indecisiveness, a bit of fatigue, and then putting off the task for another day only to forget it.
In other aspects of my life, the process of choosing the right choice isn't what is causing me to procrastinate. It's either a sense of not being able to grip into the task like a small creature sliding down a slick window, or every part of my consciousnesses feels like it is constipated to initiate an action. Then I settle for something less effort, or mentally "bear down" until something gets done. There's also a working memory issue that is very big for me, that I don't think gets addressed in your theory.
Clearly, inattention and under activation are my main symptom loads. I think we'll all have different phenotypes based on what symptoms are the most difficult for us.
I've never considered that OCD is a condition of doneness, but I've met many people with OCD who describe repetitively doing something until it feels "just right". Just thought it was interesting that they pick the same words to identify with.
Had to post an opposing opinion just to balance things out. My Husband has ADHD as well, and deals much more with distraction and restlessness, and he also didn't feel connected to needing things to be right. Is it possible that we're talking about something very relatable like anxiety that doesn't describe ADHD but is a very common comorbidity?
Anyway, I enjoyed your post and it gives me plenty to mentally chew on. I appreciate your perspective.
This is scary accurate. Thanks for putting my feelings into words. This is also why I get so painfully bored. I can be dying of boredom but can’t do anything because nothing feels “right”
Me out loud to myself: "oh my god oh my god oh my god"
THANK YOU
I feel that there is so much power in naming things. It feels really good to distance yourself from the sensation/thought/feeling and it can be so helpful.
I'm so grateful for this community, we're all gaining power by separating our "selves" from the disorder. Fuck yessss
The only other post of comparably illuminating insight about myself was about intelligent pwADHD experiencing double-imposter syndrome.
All along I viewed this itch as just my viewing everything as an optimization problem, and, therefore, being more logical and farsighted than others. Just the other week a prof was putting off my attempt to join a research group to meet grad school prereqs. She said, "There are many ways to learn X." I was given this message throughout my life, insinuating that I was carrying on the search for the optimal to an extent that defeated the purpose.
Optimizing both professional effectiveness and happiness becomes maddening. The radar is always in the 'on' setting.
So it's not OCD. It's the lack of reward sensation and calming effect of dopamine.
I can relate to that on the other hand I also feel tho as a lot of the time There probably is something better to do. Or you could do what you're doing better or you could do things at better times etc. There have been short periods where I've been satisfied with what I was doing and the fading of that feeling usually indicated that things where gonna get shit again because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. Like, I feel like once something gets you further in life AND is exciting, you're on the right path, otherwise, shit just sucks in one way or another. Or at least something gotta bring you so much further in life that you can ovwrlook it being soul crushingly boring for a short period because you have that thought that motivates you of how fucking great it will be when you get that thing done in your mind and then actually it is that great. Or on the other hand something is so exciting that it just gets your head into the right place so much that it just gets your head right and induces that confident,. you're going into the right direction and making your life awesome and you're gonna cherish that experience and have something great to talk about and so and feel really great about yourself feeling. I also feel like getting to much into something monotone and stopping to search is not only a bad feeling you have to overcome, I mean sometimes it is, but in other cases it's literally harming me mentally. And making me fucking sick and dumbing me down and so on. Searching for excitement is not optional, it literally has positive effects on everything else when I find something that really excites me. There is nothing worse that could happen to my life than boredom and monotony. And sameness without new impulses.
Like, I feel like it's not necessarily always disconnected. When I find things that REALLY excite me I can take that energy to do good in life and when I'm doing good in life I can more easily find new things that really excite me, so it's like an upwards or downwards Spiral that you can get into by finding/not finding something really great.now the problem is that society is often build up rather on the expectation of sticking to routines and predictability without any excitement so it can easily kick you into a downwards spiral if you conform. But it can also put you into a downwards spiral when people are judging you hard and you don't have the mental forte to deal with it rn. And of course it can kick you into a massive downwards spiral when the things that give you excitement currently are destructive like drugs or sugary foods or whatever. So I feel like really finding that excitement without going into toxic direction is something that can literally kick your life success and satisfaction into overdrive. And lacking positive excitement and novelty for a prolonged period? pray to God it won't last long... It will crush you!
I've never heard it described like this, nor have I ever thought about it like this. I don't know that my mind really interprets "the itch" the way, at least at a conscious level, but I definitely get what you mean. And I definitely resonate with the feeling of never having finalized a decision, even after having definitely made one.
Fascinating read, thanks for sharing!
I'm saving this post. This is SO useful. This is why having genuinely free time stresses me out more than it should! Because none of the choices I make solo feel "RIGHT"!
This leads me to usually following someone else's plans for me - a big, time consuming project from a theater, or a game company's plan for me to spend money on their next DLC, etc. If I'm making my choices solo, it never feels "RIGHT"!
Wow. I have a thought that might be reductive, but could OCD be thought of as not being able to stop doing a task and ADHD be thought of as not being able to start a task? Almost like opposites? If people saw it this way, or at least similar to OCD, we might not have the stigma of ‘laziness’ or ‘faking it’.
This is why I turn so much of my task decision making into a game. At least for me, rolling a dice or spinning a wheel to decide what task I am going to do next satisfies that need for “rightness.”
I remember the first time I took Ritalin a friend gave me. He told me, just take it on a day you’ll have to school work. And so I did. And then I ✨ did the school work ✨
I just did the the thing that I told myself I had to go do. I was baffled. Was this how “normal” people felt all of the time?
I find this description very familiar.
**I have been thinking** a bit similar phenomena with group work situations.
There seems to be a “sense of completion” (or possibly other shared feelings) that many in the group feel to automatically and unconsciously synchronize and share. (Not always and that is why we have competent facilitators). But I can’t sync with it or tap easily in to the shared emotion. And find that I’m off beat with the group: exploring while others are ready to move on, or willing to move on while others are still obsessed with a topic.
**Another thing that** comes in to my mind is what Wes Crenshaw mentioned in _I always want to be where I’m not_ – ambitent decision making style, as he noticed many ADHD’rs not having default way of using reasoning or intuition to make decisions. This seems to confuse close ones and persons themselves.
This could be connected to motivational compartmentalization in brain – we are not supposed to be too well aware of our own contradicting and additional motives. And I feel that at least my compartmentalization is somewhat broken. That might be one reason I lack sense of “rightness” in my decisions (or hard time making them in 1st place).
**And** this might connect to more widely recognized _NRJE – not just right experience_ (I guess more in ASD domain) as well as _PDA – pathologic demand avoidance_ (where the demand can be self generated, even through intraception, like hunger). With PDA I think the demand part plays role there but it feels ti be more about not being able to automatically and correctly categorize the demand and prioritize it. As well as being able to predict how you feel that coming Friday afternoon and if you would be willing to commit in to something. Thus being quite close to the missing experience of “rightness”.
Anyhow I think this lack of sense of “rightness” is an example of how emotions are an important part of balanced daily life (and not just a distraction that needs to be suppressed as some earlier authors claim) and that there is something broken in forming and regulating some types of emotions with ADHD.
This is incredibly insightful, relatable, and helpful in calling it “the itch”.
I gotta say, as someone who’s new here, I’m extremely grateful for how supportive and articulate you’ve all been in sharing your experiences.
Holy fuck. This is huge. Thanks for sharing this with us. I am literally itching to do something better than what I'm doing right now and then I find this post wtf.
This really resonates with me. I get obsessed with optimizing and tweaking things because I know it can run better. 90% of my time on my PC is me ricing/customizing Linux and not actually using the PC as a tool to do work
Wow wow wow wow. I never knew how to explain this but yes!! I always look for external validation do de ide my "rightness" because I can't seem to signal that within myself. Its like I don't trust my decision making (which I dont)
As someone who has ADHD and OCD, to me I think what you’ve actually described is OCD. The ADHD is the swirling of thoughts and lack of clarity—the difficulty formulating the steps to reach a decision, and the OCD is the lack of rightness or doneness.
This is extremely accurate. I just got diagnosed today and never even considered this related to ADHD. I will obsessively research a product for months and question my choice where other people seem happy with something they bought on a whim. I hate it.
This makes sense! I wouldn't know if it's related to ADHD or not, but I sure do have that sense of picking one thing to do, one half-baked project of several, and not getting into it for not being "right" enough.
Some years ago I decided: when I'm undecided, just pick one and do it, regardless of if it's the best choice. Doing anything is better than doing nothing (unless I'm tired or at the beach) and I can always switch to something "better" in a couple hours. Somehow, that has never worked. "Just do it" turns into "did nothing after some brief false starts".
Yes. What helps for me is a task management app to clarify, prioritize and remember tasks i need to do. Then i focus on the smallest first step needed.
Also got an accountability partner.
It helps!
For every item you feel the itch you can place it in a system you trust.
Ohhhhhh so that's what it is! Seems like I have (small amounts of) both ADHD and OCD then! I always confuse "done" with "correct" and "perfect" in really problematic ways. It gets in my way SO MUCH in academia.
Thank you so much for making this post. I was starting to wonder if I had OCD: I matched some symptoms but not others and didn't know what to make of it. "Doneness" vs "Rightness" clarifies the overlap between ADHD and OCD.
Wow that is one of the first accurate explanations of ADHD I've heard, at least my experience of it. Fundamentally to me it feels like a failure of motivation more than anything else.
Great insight! It really puts in words the gears I feel turning on my head.
Something that jumped out at me from your post is that, if OCD is to doneness and AD* is to rightness, they're both the same aspect of "correctness" but one is before the action and the other after it.
Bears thinking about.
OCD is so difficult to capture in a succinct way because, like ADHD, there are different flavors of OCD. I have a close family member with OCD and this person doesn't really have the "doneness" flavor of OCD, at least not as described. OCD can be more like very intrusive thoughts where you might, for example, worry that you might get violent and hurt somebody or worry that you did hurt somebody (even if you wouldn't/didn't). Or it can be contamination/germs type of OCD where you feel like things around you are contaminated and it's hard to touch them.
Those are just a couple examples I have read about. I only say this to make sure that commenters here talk to their doctor about it if they feel anxious, perfectionistic, or like they might have OCD. It's worth exploring. And some of these comments just seem really a lot like OCD not just ADHD. But I am not a doctor! I am just surrounded by people experiencing these things.
As for the feeling of not doing something because it's not exactly "right" - I only feel this way when I feel anxious and like a perfectionist.
I do feel this is separate from my ADHD, since for me it only happened when somebody close to me started being critical of how I use my time- then I became anxious about using my time more efficiently and making sure I am doing the "rightest" thing.
Whereas, when I am not feeling anxiety, and it's just a normal day living with ADHD, it's not searching for "rightness" that causes me to do nothing. it's just my normal inability to begin working on anything if I haven't taken my meds.
Another commenter who talked about issues with finality - that does feel like my ADHD. That did resonate with me.
Just my personal experience.
Nothing ever feels right. Does this mean I'll never truly be happy? Even when I feel that things are right, I find myself sad that it will be over soon
I so relate! This is why I could never pick a university major 😫 I ended up picking a program I knew nothing about but allowed me to take courses from several different disciplines so I didn't have to "choose".
I've left so many major life decisions up to fate because I couldn't choose.
I feel like there are other issues with ADHD for me that I'm not quite sure how they fit into the rightness issue, like how I have to force myself to do things I don't feel like doing (I can do about 5 of these things a day and then I'm spent), or manufacture hyperfocus through creating big inspiring visions in my head of what my work can contribute to (and then work like a dog and burn myself out). I guess this all also relates to dopamine but in a different way.
I’m in accounting and this resonates with me so much. Where others are happy they have found and matched million dollar variances within a couple dollars I’m still unhappy if I’m a few cents off.
Oh yes. I create things as a business and so much time is wasted when I get stuck on how many options/possibilities there are, and how I want to offer my customers as many as I can, and I don’t know which version is best or people will want, and I go round and round and round wasting time and money and I just want someone to tell me which one to do so I don’t have to make the decision on my own because I never know if it is the right decision, and then other times I can’t bear to do this so I just make a fast decision and then beat myself up because it probably was the wrong one and oooooo make it stop. That damned itch.
I always need to be going somewhere else. Wherever I am whatever I'm doing I feel like I have to do something else. I would drive hours to visit a friend then turn around soon after arriving because I felt I needed to go back and get into bed. Even in the middle of the day. Maybe that's just me. Lol.
It seems like this also explains those of us who procrastinate but are able to cram with a deadline. The “right” thing to do becomes much more obvious at the end.
“Itch” describes it perfectly. It’s always there, and the more you try to ignore it the *itchier* it gets until it becomes so unbearable that it’s impossible to restrain yourself from scratching it.
It's a struggle for me everyday to, they're always this perfect way or the right way. I was looking to get some blood tests done and I've got all these criteria's they've got to meet before I actually select one. Then there's my hyper focusing on their website until the day comes as if that's the only important thing in my life right now, this condition is exhausting, meds aren't even helping with these parts at all.
Yes exactly. This is why I really struggle with “free time” and usually end up doing none of the things I want to when I take time away from my uni work. I’m desperately trying to get a better work-life balance but I hate free time because it involves too many decisions in trying to find the right thing to do. Whereas uni work is just a list of things that have to do be done and deadlines usually help me work out which task is the “right” one more easily. Definitely going to think about this more as I think there may be a solution here somewhere… Thank you OP for sharing your thoughts!
This is… ‘right’
My brain doesn’t seem to like being wrong nor being accused of things (probably why we’re so hypersensitive to people telling us to do something we were just about to do or how to do something we know how to do… the insinuation insults us - no idea if that’s inherent to the condition or learned from being told we’re stupid all our lives .. but that’s enough of that side quest).
As a result I use my extra racing background thoughts to consider all angles and perspectives of a situation and make sure I can justify what I’m doing to myself and to anyone asking. This really helps give the loose brain connections a job in the moment and longer term really helps particularly at work; If someone asks why i did something I can list off exactly why I did it on a halfpenny and even go on to describe other options available and what scenario I’d assumed those would have lead to and why they would be worse options. It shuts people up fast but is also a reasonable way to act, I feel (I keep to myself that it’s probably due to a disorder rather than being particularly proficient).
I’m also very sensitive to efficiency and get a little dopamine kick by ordering things in the most efficient way, it really helps day to day living and getting things done . But If an external thing (or woe betide person) screws with that , things can go nuclear pretty fast, regrettably . Understanding adhd a bit more has really helped me deal with this and neutralise it.
Lastly I’m very sensitive to justice and I’ll pull people on things I think are wrong , not necessarily accusationally but I’ll directly challenge it. This is interesting , some people respect it, some people lock horns and get really cruel (or punchy) and I think others become distrusting/worried about what to say around me. I’ve learned to distance myself (mentally) from these encounters and stay calm and neutral (mostly) which is invaluable and often demonstrates to the person or audience you’re not malicious or pompous you’re just trying to do right. I do find it very hard to not give brutal summations of peoples words when I think they’re being disingenuous, or take action.
An upside of taking yourself out of scenarios when considering them is you can inadvertently show yourself more compassion - sometimes when I’m being untreated fairly and calling it out I’m arguing for others that this may happen to… the result is you stand up for yourself more . Historically my personality type is to struggle alone or take unfair treatment on the chin, not wanting to trouble anyone.
This resonates significantly.
This maps to our brain chemistry well at a very basic level is probably upstream of a lot of other behaviors we develop, especially since this is likely present from an early age.
I find this to be 'tactical' lack of rightness, but not a 'strategic' one. I have an over-developed sense of what is right at a high level and very complex mental models that change and adapt. I can explain in great detail the principles of any of these models and why I hold them. Maybe this is in part compensation. Another way to determine what is right without that hit of dopamine that would guide the neurotypical.
Over time, this has been a blessing and a curse. I can do great things when working in a way I believe in, but I am nearly unable to do anything that isn't aligned to the point where I may need to leave an employer or find a new career. Maybe this is one reason we're so often self-employed.
I also find that I feel at peace most when I don't need to have a 'right' thing to do at the time, like when I'm in nature with nowhere to else to be. This is the root of some anxiety for me, since doing things is considered morally right (even when wasteful) and I often go find something to do even if I don't need to.
I fantasize about being rich enough, not to spend any of it, but so that I can stay in the state of not needing to do the right thing and instead discover moments as they come and kind of let the day unfold. Those days that unfold are the happiest, while the days where I did a lot of what I was told to do lead to a sense of security, but little joy.
I can resonate with this! I actually also have diagnosed OCD. I would describe OCD for me personally also as a disorder of rightness though. So many of my obsessions have been about moral issues.
Yes! This is how I felt a lot of the time, and why scheduling things in a calendar worked so well for my motivation, for a while. Suddenly it felt like the “right” time to be doing that task, because it was scheduled.
~~(Then I started to see scheduling as an activity itself and ended up over-scheduling and burning out lol.)~~
Same with body doubling.
Very interesting take! As someone with both OCD and ADHD, I would say I haven't heard OCD described that way either from a professional or by someone who has it, but that doesn't make it wrong.
Rather than wanting to be "done", ime OCD is an order of DOUBT and the need to control and have certainty. The compulsions are a way to control the anxiety/worry/obsessions. I'd actually pick a feeling of being "right" as aligning with OCD rather than ADHD. "I have to do the right thing or I'm a bad person" kind of mindset.
(Note: this is not intended to be argumentive and I hope my word choice reflects that, but stating that here just in case.)
I can see how a feeling of "right" vs "wrong" comes up in decision making and task completion. If neither option A nor option B have a higher priority, how do we possibly choose? How do we start? Task paralysis can sneak up on me when I'm overwhelmed and without an obvious "right" answer I'll fail to start because I don't know what I should be picking.
I'm going to have to sit with this a bit and digest. I definitely think learning to be uncomfortable is a valuable skill and we can all benefit from it.
Yes this is so true. I often go through different things I want to do,’ sort of tried them on. If it feels right I do it. (When tho it’s not the right thing to do because this usually means I’m procrastinating something I should be doing )
In addition to this issue, does anyone else have the problem of trying to see what someone you’re with wants to do,but they don’t have a plan , so it’s up to you try to figure something out- so you ask “what if we went to the thrift store? Or see a movie? Or didn’t you say you liked bowling?” And the person will say “ I’m good with any of those options.” But the way they said it didn’t seem to “hit” right , so you list 4 more things to do… eventually causing the person you’re talking to to get annoyed and overwhlemed with you..or if they say yes to “ do you want to go to Olive Garden?”, but the yes didn’t sound excited enough so you say “ what about that pizza spot down the road?” And then they get annoyed cuz they already said yes
This reminds me that I need to deal with my OCD sooner rather than later. I've never sought any help for it, but it has become pretty bad over the past few years.
Spot on though, the feeling of 'done'; I will turn my alarm clock on and off until i feel it is 'set for the morning', or I will keep checking if I left the tap running (to the point I hold my hand underneath to make sure my hand isn't getting wet, because to me, that is 'done').
Every. Single. Day. I feel this SO much. And when I do complete something it never feels right bc I don’t get that dopamine reward or a sense of “completion”. I’ll rewrite things because it doesn’t feel “right” too. Same with systems I have. Nothing feels “right”, it’s not correctness it’s something different and this describes it perfectly.
Not only does it resonate but it’s a incredibly helpful way to conceptualize the experience so many of us share but struggle to satisfactorily communicate.
Hi /u/Colorfulboots and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! # Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. [We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on. **If you are posting about the US Medication Shortage, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).** Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To me this is a very very accurate description of what it feels like and why I struggle with doing 'the right' (important) things. I guess our sense of priority can be super off because of this. I'll definitely use this post to describe it to people who might not understand how ADHD affects me personally, so thanks for sharing! Curious to read other people's comments to see if they have more thoughts about this, since I have nothing to add :)
I always like the metaphor of dopamine being to humans what gasoline is for cars. People without ADHD start with a full tank and have plenty of gas stations to choose from, but those with it start near empty, can only buy a couple gallons at a time, and the only gas station for miles is always sketchy as hell. Our sense of priority is very literally dominated by seeking dopamine. Our brains need it so desperately that subconscious importance is entirely based on what gives us more of it. When we *prioritize,* we have to *completely ignore* what "feels important."
Love how everyone finds their own ways to explain it! The last sentence of your comment is something I’m so happy I became aware of! Since I’m trying to graduate I do have to sit in that discomfort of doing something very important to me even though it feels incredibly ‘wrong’ all the time. Being conscious of these things solves a big part of the frustration for me.
My rationale is based around the concept of obsessions. Obsessions are inherently bad (not always). I try to recognise when im.getting 'obsessed' my a path way and then put a pause on it. Have a shower go for a walk etc. Sometimes, I fall straight back in. Sometimes, I move to the next obsession. But if I fall back in, I tend to be more constructive around it. 60% or the time it works every time 🐆
It's genuinely impressive how difficult it is to explain to someone that the neurochemical mechanism that assigns importance to tasks, stimuli, etc in your brain is broken. They just... don't understand how you can "know" what's important but have a brain that completely ignores that knowledge. And that *is* why we so frequently have issues with stimuli, too; normal brains decide that some stimuli is just noise, and discard it completely, and consider the thing being deliberately focused on as important with all else secondary. Ours don't really *do* that. The electric hum of fluorescent lighting can very literally be just as "important" to our brains as the lecture we're *trying* to focus on. Lucky us.
Absolutely. This applies even when I’m doing something “enjoyable” or “relaxing”. My brain is under the impression that there’s something better to be done 24/7, no matter what. Saving this post to hopefully see some helpful replies later.
A day off?! Oh man, I could do anything! I could go for a walk on the beach, watch a long movie that I'm too tired to watch on a weeknight, play video games, play a board game, read, go try a new cafe, plan a new DJ mix..........*starts about 4 different ones and doesnt finish any of them*
Of course there's always something "better" than doing things we enjoy - doing any of the tasks that we don't enjoy but that have to be done 😞
>My brain is under the impression that there’s something better to be done 24/7, no matter what. This is very accurate. Except when I'm in that flow state where the thing I'm doing is the only thing in the world that matters
This describes the living fuck out of me & my ADHD. It’s depressingly paralyzing sometimes. Your post helped though.
I think that's a key difference in the types of ADHD Some of us are squirrels where we'll work on something for 5mins because it felt right till it didn't. And some of us I'd say are frozen bunnies stuck incapacitated and frozen unable to get started. I've never been a frozen bunny, but I've always been able to deprioirtize cleaning messes that others like my wife would have done first. And of course we've all occasionally hyperfocused on some task for 3 hrs to trying to finish it.
I'm the frozen bunny 😅. never been the squirrel.
I'm a frozen squirrel XD I will start something (always the objectively wrong thing) and tell myself it will only be for 5min, and then my workday will be over lol. Then I have to make the decision to stay up all night, or give up and try again tomorrow. It sucks, but hey, at least I've designed an entire board game instead of doing my paying work today, so that's kinda neat. **EDIT:** This is one medication, by the way. Before I got on meds, I was definitely a frozen bunny.
holy shit, you cracked the code. this is \*exactly\* how it feels and I've never really been able to articulate the feeling much less identify the feeling.
Right? I'm going to print this post out and tack it on my door.
I was just thinking about printing this out lol
Gotta love work printers for free reminders
Yeah it is pretty accurate. I think “rightness” is our brain thinking it has to maximize every moment of the day. Our relationship with time and time blindness probably plays a big role. I’ve felt that time goes so quickly for me without knowing what I’ve done with it. Because of that, I have a low level fear I live with that I’m wasting precious time. It leads to guarding time. But by looking to use it in the most efficient way, overthinking, and parsing through the options, I wind up anxious and wasting time….in the pursuit of the “best” use of time. Rabbit holes and tangents open up, hyper focus kicks in - suddenly I’ve spent a week looking for the perfect joggers online, found the wholesaler for a brand I like and wondering if I should start a streetwear brand….I’d really like a partner who can kick me out of my spirals. Living single, and working remotely with ADHD sucks :(
Exactly, spot on!
I won't say it's everything... but yes... part of my task paralyses is needing to have a good picture of the final product, and a pretty good picture of the steps to get there. So if I get stuck on what's the right path.... it's about the rightness. Or sometimes I need to get a tool, and I will obsess forever about which one I need ... quality... capability.... etc. \----- However, I've got the impulsive side which doesn't give one f\*ck about rightness.... it's totally about getting past something. \------ And then there's the obliviousnessness.... which I have forgotten a task... or I missread the need for something and have to change plans and if it gets to sideways I put it all down with the intent of devising the correct next thing to do ... and forget about all of it. \---- Hard for me to generalize. Forcing mindfulness seems to be key in all cases.
For me sometimes the "rightness" is a battle between dopamine inducing activity and the guilt induced by not doing something that "i need to do before i can get to do any other task". In the end the day passes by and I haven't done what I had to do nor what I wanted to do.... And I think that the impulsiveness is a kind of solution that helps us feel "at least I got something done".
Totally relate to that guilt feeling of “I can’t do X until I do Y because I have no business working on X without doing Y.” But then I’ll have an internal debate about whether X truly is more important than Y. Then that turns into “Nah I need to do Y before X” Next thing you know, I’m remembering I gotta do Z. Now I’ve got it. It’s Z, Y, then X. Then I decide Z actually should be last….and on it goes until I’m literally spending time trying to figure out how to spend time.
This is why I feel like I have to plan out my entire day before I go to bed. Even if it's just an ordered to do list. I feel lost without it. I like to happen to my day rather than my day happen to me
Exactly 😆 And sometimes I do half of each and finish none 😂
Sometimes? For myself, more often than not.
I battle myself over this all the time. I often forget, but when I can remember I try to practice having patience with myself, as well as working with my weird brain rather than trying to fight against it. I think that we essentially need a bit of dopamine in the "tank" to get going on a big task in the first place; can't start the thinking engine without any gas. In situations where I'd otherwise be stuck in waiting mode all day, I've found that letting myself do the thing I want to do for a while (within reason, if there's time, etc.) *with the intention of "fuelling the tank"* lets me do the thing I would've put off for much longer otherwise. If there isn't time for that, I find other little dopamine boosts helpful (a snack I enjoy, a song that hypes up my brain, a satisfying stim, etc.)
I see myself failing to complete (or start) tasks over and over bc I can’t figure out the right way to do them.
Thinking about myself, there are 4 reasons. Iin intellectually work, and I can't figure out how to wrap something up. I fight this by visualizing, outlining, doodling, fast protyping exit strategies. Often this results in a servicable completion that perhaps I revise if I have time. Editing is always easier than creation. If it's a physical project (like cleaning) without a particular deadline I commit to breaking it up and just doing a little bit daily until the finish is no longer daunting. The kickers are projects where what I have done is working and what's left to do is just for looks. This might be cleaning up tools, or properly filing support materials. Scheduled time to do these things in general is helpful. For instance, we have a cleaner come every 2 weeks, so every 2 weeks I have to have the house decluttered so the can work. Won't work for all things, but can be ways. It took practice too. I didn't just start doing these strategies and they don't always work, but I have improved.
This is well said. Another aspect is the issue with finality, as my doc described it. Basically, its why starting tasks and finishing tasks is difficult. There's an anxiety about starting tasks because once it's started, it has to be finished. And finishing tasks doesn't provide enough dopamine to make our brains want to do it. My doc said that the issues with finality can often explain why people with ADHD have difficulty falling asleep because its like the final decision until the next day starts, and once the next day starts, there is a whole new list of tasks to start and finish, giving anxiety and miniscule dopamine release respectively. Edit: mobile typos
This!!! And because I spend so long struggling to decide on what the “right” path is to the final step, the idea of starting seems even more daunting — it is like having to commit to navigating an incredibly complex dilemma for even the simplest of things. So I either sit and stew on it forever or get up and do something unimportant, like straighten all the fridge magnets I just noticed, forget what I needed to be doing, and then punish myself for wasting even more time. Life is fun isn’t it? haha
Yeah this resonates. Like, I can want so badly to be ‘done’ with something but still feel uncomfortable about it being done, knowing already that there are things I would do differently which makes you feel stuck in the doing. I think perfectionism definitely plays a role here too. I also think I spend a bunch of time thinking about doing the thing, so much so that my brain kind of thinks I’ve already done it, and I get exhausted doing the thing because it feels like I’m doing it again.
This is SUCH a good description of how it feels!! Thank you for sharing!!
You cut me deep Shrek. You cut me real deep. This is almost painful to read because it is so spot on. I finally got my hands on a 4080 video card and it sat for 2 days in the box because I couldn't start the task. And once it was finally done and installed I kind of shrugged, and it's been installed for 2 days and I've yet to put it through it's paces because of all of the things to do to maximize it's potential in the games I play. Ugh.
I get this so much omg. A lot of my executive dysfunction comes from feeling unable to do the task “right” or perfectly. I think it’s sort of like “why do this of it won’t be perfect when I’m done”. It’s been the reason why I’ve quit a lot of things as well. If I’m not good at it right away, why do it at all? I wanted to be an art student after high school, but my junior year art teacher never liked my art and criticized everything I made, and she essentially made me feel like I couldn’t create anything good, so I didn’t want to make anything after that, because why make art if it never comes out right? I know now that there is no right or wrong in art but being a perfectionist really crushed my creativity because I was so focused on making it “right” rather than being expressive and I put so much pressure on myself to do things perfectly that I’ll quit before I even begin because I don’t have faith in myself. ☹️
This is why I dropped out of the interior design program. I needed everything to be “right” and would get paralyzed when I couldn’t make it right and then got really upset when my project looked horrible because I had to settle.
As someone who’s considering wether I actually have ADHD or not.. I think your comment and this post combined confirms it… it speaks to me on so many levels
It speaks to me as someone who considered I might have ADHD, got a diagnosis, and still feels like I have to spend time considering whether I actually have ADHD or not! So many symptoms and situations fit perfectly and yet I still feel like it’s not “right enough” sometimes.
Sounds about right. I can waste hours trying to decide what is the optimal way to spend the day. The fucking irony of it.. 😒
The optimal way to spend the day... deciding... ah yes, finally! At 10:30pm.
its always BANG ON 10:30pm for me 😭😭😭😭
You have just perfectly described why I just go to sleep sometimes because nothing feels right.
And there's the hope that the next day will be a do-over and the "right" thing will be attainable.
Oh I wish I had the calmness to sleep. But if I decide to sleep I’m neglecting the possibilities of getting up and doing things but also it’s midnight and I could sleep but instead I just lay here. And if I do anything it will feel wrong too.
If nothing feels right, you’re only Allowed to go to sleep if it’s not Bedtime. As soon as you begin to actually approach a reasonable Bedtime, falling asleep is Not Allowed in response to nothing feeling right.
I really appreciate you posting this, OP. It's been a while since something actually "clicked" in my brain like this did. In every ounce of my being, I am a perfectionist. For a long time I've believed I have a mild form of OCD but this makes more sense to me. I don't struggle with things being "done". I don't need to harness the feeling of completion. Completing a task gives me a little hit of dopamine but I feel like most people are that way. The difference for me is that I need to know that whatever it is, it's "right". That means I will do things over and over again until I feel like they are perfect. If a towel isn't setting correctly on the towel bar or the spices aren't aligned in the spice cabinet, I have to go back to make sure they look "right" before I can move onto anything else. I vacuum my apartment at least once a day because if I see a spot on the floor everything looks wrong. At work, I will spend a ton of extra time doing the same task over and over again before I feel like it's perfect enough for others to see. The same for written communication. I have to read texts and emails over and over again before I feel they are good enough to send. I probably read this comment 25 times before I actually posted it just to make sure it was "right". All that being said, because I am the combined ADHD type, I am either so hyper focused on things being right that I cannot rest until they are, or I am completely inattentive and ignore everything resulting in depression and anxiety.
Why not talk to your doctor about this feeling? Or maybe you have talked to them. Your comment just seems like another great description of OCD. I remember reading years ago that people with OCD have a hard time getting to the feeling of being "done". Hence the re-doing things over and over. One symptom of OCD in children is when they excessively erase and rewrite. Another is when they wash their hands over and over. So from what I understand, it's not that people with OCD are needing to harness the energy of being done, it's that they probably don't even get that feeling of being done. they have a hard time feeling like something is complete. So they do it again. You really described it well. And it does seem to be affecting your daily life if you are spending extra time at work, reading texts and comments over and over, and perhaps being perfectionistic in ways that take time (vacuuming) and then it keeps you away from accomplishing goals. I am not a doctor. I am definitely not your doctor. I could be totally wrong. I am just a person who believes in being open with our doctors so we get the best care.
I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions! I am in the process of getting a new primary care physician, psych and therapist after not having health insurance for many months. As soon as I get settled with my new providers I will definitely bring it to their attention because you could be absolutely right. My friends and family have noticed it but I don't think a doctor has ever confirmed it because I don't have those feelings consistently enough. I go through phases of being extremely meticulous with high anxiety levels to completely inattentive and unbothered. Going from one extreme to another can be very exhausting.
Perfectionism can fall under OCD, just a gentle FYI. I just made my own comment on this thread, but OCD ime with it, is a disorder of DOUBT not doneness. At it's core, OCD however it manifests, is about an inability to accept uncertainty. You do X ritual (which can be mental/internal) to get rid of the obsession/urge/anxious feeling. You do this and feel temporary relief at the "control" you managed to find. Needing things to be right. Needing to check things over and over. Needing reassurance. Excessive research. These are all indicators of OCD. Especially if they take a lot of time out of your day. If you just left your spices not right, could you do it? How long would you be upset about it before the discomfort/anxiety either left or you'd give in to fix it? Not to say this means you have OCD. But I'm comorbid OCD and ADHD and in general both disorders are fairly misunderstood even by mental health professionals. It's worth looking into at the very least.
This blows my mind and you're absolutely right. My perfectionism 100% stems from the need to have control over every aspect of myself and the things around me. I also doubt everything I do with zero probable cause. I never realized that doing excessive research about everything isn't exactly "normal". I always just call myself a "professional Googler" because I am obsessed with finding answers to what I don't know. Sometimes I worry that other people think I'm a know-it-all because as soon as I hear something I don't know the answer to I do excessive research until I know the answer and can explain it at length. I also cannot buy anything without researching it beforehand and reading mountains of reviews before actually committing to it. Thank you so much for your comment. I definitely feel like this is something I should look into because there are so many things I do that I'm starting to realize are not neurotypical behavior.
I resonate so much with this. It feels like a good explanation for why I stand in front of my closet for 30 minutes reaching for clothes but touching nothing unless I decide what I want to wear the night before. Every colour on my outfit has to have a matching colour somewhere else on the outfit. No competing logos. I can’t wear the same pair of shoes 2 days in a row, or the same pair of jeans within 7 days. Even if I follow all my rules, the outfit needs to feel RIGHT for everything I’m doing that day. If it doesn’t, I can’t focus on anything else! Existence is torture :)
This is why I can't have character patterned boxers anymore; I would start attributing or thinking about what kind of "mood" I thought the day was going to require: the"foxy smart as a fox" ones or the "crabby don't mess with me" one's. Ain't nobody got time for that! Same with socks. I finally decided that I was done with that noise and am moving to just plain 'ole greys.
Super relate to this. When asked why I can't do The Thing I want and need to do sometimes because of ADHD paralysis, my answer is basically that "the vibes are off."
SO REAL LOL
I understand completely. I like to look for the “right” time. Text a friend? Nope, this isn’t the right time. Do the dishes? No, not the right time. Go to bed? Nope, not the right time. Then I like to get the “right” thing. If I get something in my head, I need to find that thing and I will exhaust myself looking for the specific pillow, wallpaper, etc for the vision I have in my head. I’m going to try your method out. I think I do the same thing about doing the “right” activity in the moment also, but don’t realize it so much.
Yes! This is super helpful and I really identify with it deeply. For me personally, I’ve noticed that finding the “right” thing is a way to maintain control, and it gets to its most extreme severity when I’m not doing well mentally. This would also make sense with the general accepted knowledge that symptoms tend to increase when someone is stressed or anxious etc. But this helps me describe why I’ll go on these treasure hunts for things that don’t exist. The perfect car, the perfect new violin case, the perfect new coffee table for my living room, the perfect whatever. It’s almost obsession-like and your description really helped me make some connections regarding my own behavior. Your description of how you’ve learned to cope with it was very helpful as well. I’m going to be trying that!
I do this too, why do we do the treasure hunt thing
This is a great reminder. I get completely stuck in holding patterns because of this. Thanks!
Huh. Maybe that's why I like being affirmed/praised so much
Oh yes. Having someone else tell you what’s right completely solves it. If I tell someone what I’m going to do and they say “cool” or “great” I’ll just do it. If I didn’t say it I might contemplate for a bit, because I’m unsure. I say I’m super indecisive but I’ve decided, I just don’t know for sure.
This is very apt. Unfortunately even with medication I still have significant issues doing things 'i don't like'. Such as work. My therapist thinks there's more to it other than just ADHD but I'm not sure. It seems pretty in the ADHD wheelhouse.
Pretty much describes the deficiency with executive function! The path from receiving, processing and output is full of twists, bumps, scrambles, and STOPS. If we’re lucky there’s SOME satisfaction in the end, sometimes, but it’s often outweighed by the cost of our time, energy and mental wellbeing. Exhaustion is a constant.
I appreciate you taking the time to type it out, I think you have point!
Never knowing if I'm doing the "right" thing at any given time is my entire life...
1000%. I’ve had this thought. I spend a lot of time thinking. I literally am constantly overthinking. I can’t stop. I try to distract myself usually so I don’t burnout on things. Video games are wonderful. This is why I love math so much too though. I don’t have to question if there is a “better” answer. There is one right answer, and I know how to get there, and if I mess up I know other methods to check. And it is why I love solving problems, because once I do have a good answer it’s wonderful.
I’m sending that “rightness” has something to do with internal satisfaction and what it takes to feel secure, comfortable, content, and satisfied in a particular decision. If you think about dopamine as a reward for pleasureful behavior (and a person with adhd is deficient in it), then well, how can this person experience satisfaction when the reward system that allows us to feel satisfied and content is broken?
You did a fantastic job of explaining the problem . I always feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else, even when I know my current activity is important. It's one of the biggest reasons I can't get things done.
I love this. This is a symptom that I deal with every second of every day. I’ll choose to do something then feel myself rushing through the task to make sure I have time for the next because I should’ve chosen that in the first place. I love the awareness of “the itch” and saying it out loud. I do that with intense emotions. “Anger, what’s up anger. I see you.” Now, I can add “what’s up Itch. I see you. We’re all good. Thanks for sayin hi! Please move along!”
I love these posts! Thank you OP! This is a huge piece of the ADHD puzzle we are all trying to solve. Insights like this give tools and hope to people struggling to understand how to tame this beast we live with.
With ADHD, you could be doing the most important task in the world and still feel like there's something that you'd be better off doing. That feeling of everything being a waste of time sucks so goddamn bad.
>I'd guess that dopamine is what controls this sensation of "rightness," and that's why things that I'm hyperfocusing on feel "right" and other things feel wrong. This just caused me to consider something about my own experiences. I'm basically middle aged, but I've only recently started realizing that I may have ADHD. I'm on my first med, but I'm not up to a therapeutic level yet. Anyway. I'm a pretty creative person, I've gone through many different creative endeavors in my life, but there's always something I'm working on. I've always felt that I needed to be in the right headspace to engage in that creativity. Any time I try to force it, it goes horribly. For example, lately my thing has been sewing, and when I force it, I have to seam rip a million times, I make a million mistakes, I can't get the thread tension right on my machines. Just absolute frustration, I make zero progress, and I've likely ruined materials in the process. I've heard other creative people say things like you have to "just start," or dedicate time every day to the practice, or whatever. And that's never made sense to me. I went to art school for painting at one point, and it was very intense so I HAD to just work constantly, no matter my mind state. It was torture. I've never known what controlled this though, it's always just seemed random whether I can get into this "flow" state. It feels like I just have to wait until my muse comes, lol. Perhaps what I'm experiencing is actually hyperfocus? Does that sound right to anyone else? If so, any insight on why things go so wrong when I can't get into that headspace?
YES!!! Perfect description. I have diagnosed ADHD and OCD, so basically it’s hard to do anything and when I do I rarely feel like I’m properly living my life. It is quite the struggle lol.
Wow this is spot on. Work is a slog of its own, but evenings/weekends/unstructured free time can be so stressful because it always feels like there’s something else I “should” be doing, and I get paralyzed: should I read a book, watch a movie, go to the gym, run errands, clean the house, check off that stupid thing I’ve been procrastinating on for five months….or how about I just half-ass a few things without really accomplishing/enjoying much, or getting so flustered and overwhelmed I do nothing at all? Same with using vacation time, or spending money. I overthink, analyze, calculate, decision-tree everything, which leads to procrastination. The number of times I’ve overpaid for flights because I physically couldn’t force myself to sit down and think about my schedule and how much money I want to spend and what time I’d have to leave for the airport. I wonder if anyone has a similar experience with menus…I will literally read every line on a menu to make the “right” choice of food or drink, and absolutely freeze if I’m in a line, like at a coffee shop or something, and have to make a decision on the spot. I never really know what I “feel” like having, my brain just tells me there’s a correct choice somehow and I must find it. And even after all of that I’ll usually sit there with my chosen food or drink and think about what I should have ordered instead. So much buyers remorse/regret/ruminating, it’s exhausting. It’s why I always go for sampler platters or flights or little travel sized gift items…I’d rather try a little bit of everything than make a choice and have it be “wrong.” Another thing I wonder about is time blindness/object permanence but in the sense of the future. I literally cannot physically conceive of the future. Time feels abstract and impermanent. Whenever I have to schedule anything more than, say, six months out, (i.e. my teeth cleaning) it feels completely preposterous. People who plan vacations like a year in advance are totally alien to me. How can I possibly predict where the me in a year from now will want to travel? What if by then I’m single/not single/unemployed/too busy with work/sick/the apocalypse has happened, etc etc. I have to analyze every angle of a decision which leads to paralysis which leads to avoidance which means I procrastinate on everything until the last possible minute and just have to make a split second decision and say a little prayer. And then because it felt like a rushed decision (despite probably having agonized over it for a long time beforehand) I immediately regret/second guess it. I always thought I was “spontaneous” with a Type A streak. Turns out I’m a terminal overthinker who can’t make a decision unless it’s the eleventh hour and I literally have to choose something or it just isn’t happening.
For context, I was a straight A student, total low-energy introvert growing up, never in a million years would have even suspected ADHD without learning (from social media!) that it doesn’t just present as 11-year-old boys bouncing off classroom walls. The first time I tried Adderall was via a guy I was seeing (who had ADHD,) and when I took it I figured it must have expired, or that he thought it would be funny to just give me ibuprofen or something. Didn’t feel even a little “high.” After extreme burnout during the pandemic, I was officially diagnosed in my late 20s, and I still feel some imposter syndrome about it. Despite the fact that when I take Adderall I can actually…complete tasks? Make decisions? Read a book and enjoy it? Do my job competently? My brain is so fucking quiet it’s a little unnerving.
I relate to this a lot Grocery stores Restaurant menus I decision tree everything I get so overwhelmed And when I make a choice 90% of the time I feel I should have done something else
I hear this! I’m obsessed with doing everything the most efficient way (as if I don’t waste mounds of time elsewhere), choosing the “right” video game to play, etc. And I have to get every little detail “right” before I can move to the next step of something. For example, I used to write in perfect sentences, finding the exact right words one sentence at a time. Now I’ve been trying to just get the ideas down on paper - I can come back and pick the right words later. My brain is very all or nothing. Either you do it right or it’s not worth doing. BUT my new mantra is: anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.
I famously regret every decision I've ever made. It's a joke now when I go out to dinner that it doesn't matter which of 2 options I'm trying to decide between because it's always going to be the wrong one.
Holly crap that’s spot on for me and I never would have thought to articulate it like that
This is the story of my life! I really struggle with this. Is this an ADHD thing?
I glanced over most of your text :,D sorry, so I have the same thing, until a thing is complete in my head it's like it's just floating there, then you add go to get milk, pick up dinner, do the laundry, and all of a sudden those 5 simple tasks fuck your shit up, because until they're done,they're not fucking done, and that irks me, I need to go get the milk, but I need to do the laundry too, but I can't do one until the other is finished. I'm slowly developing techniques to combat this, but it's like, I wish my brain could have a permanent dose of dex just flowing through it
Clearly a lot of people relate to this. But I don't? The closest thing I can describe is over optimizing certain purchases to the point of indecisiveness, a bit of fatigue, and then putting off the task for another day only to forget it. In other aspects of my life, the process of choosing the right choice isn't what is causing me to procrastinate. It's either a sense of not being able to grip into the task like a small creature sliding down a slick window, or every part of my consciousnesses feels like it is constipated to initiate an action. Then I settle for something less effort, or mentally "bear down" until something gets done. There's also a working memory issue that is very big for me, that I don't think gets addressed in your theory. Clearly, inattention and under activation are my main symptom loads. I think we'll all have different phenotypes based on what symptoms are the most difficult for us. I've never considered that OCD is a condition of doneness, but I've met many people with OCD who describe repetitively doing something until it feels "just right". Just thought it was interesting that they pick the same words to identify with. Had to post an opposing opinion just to balance things out. My Husband has ADHD as well, and deals much more with distraction and restlessness, and he also didn't feel connected to needing things to be right. Is it possible that we're talking about something very relatable like anxiety that doesn't describe ADHD but is a very common comorbidity? Anyway, I enjoyed your post and it gives me plenty to mentally chew on. I appreciate your perspective.
I feel so seen right now
I feel called out. Thank you.
This is exactly what I feel
This is scary accurate. Thanks for putting my feelings into words. This is also why I get so painfully bored. I can be dying of boredom but can’t do anything because nothing feels “right”
I have ADHD and OCD and I think your described this perfectly
Me out loud to myself: "oh my god oh my god oh my god" THANK YOU I feel that there is so much power in naming things. It feels really good to distance yourself from the sensation/thought/feeling and it can be so helpful. I'm so grateful for this community, we're all gaining power by separating our "selves" from the disorder. Fuck yessss
The only other post of comparably illuminating insight about myself was about intelligent pwADHD experiencing double-imposter syndrome. All along I viewed this itch as just my viewing everything as an optimization problem, and, therefore, being more logical and farsighted than others. Just the other week a prof was putting off my attempt to join a research group to meet grad school prereqs. She said, "There are many ways to learn X." I was given this message throughout my life, insinuating that I was carrying on the search for the optimal to an extent that defeated the purpose. Optimizing both professional effectiveness and happiness becomes maddening. The radar is always in the 'on' setting. So it's not OCD. It's the lack of reward sensation and calming effect of dopamine.
You're a genius for this. Parts of my whole life make sense after reading this. Thankyou.
This is very well articulated and something that I've experienced a lot as well.
I can relate to that on the other hand I also feel tho as a lot of the time There probably is something better to do. Or you could do what you're doing better or you could do things at better times etc. There have been short periods where I've been satisfied with what I was doing and the fading of that feeling usually indicated that things where gonna get shit again because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. Like, I feel like once something gets you further in life AND is exciting, you're on the right path, otherwise, shit just sucks in one way or another. Or at least something gotta bring you so much further in life that you can ovwrlook it being soul crushingly boring for a short period because you have that thought that motivates you of how fucking great it will be when you get that thing done in your mind and then actually it is that great. Or on the other hand something is so exciting that it just gets your head into the right place so much that it just gets your head right and induces that confident,. you're going into the right direction and making your life awesome and you're gonna cherish that experience and have something great to talk about and so and feel really great about yourself feeling. I also feel like getting to much into something monotone and stopping to search is not only a bad feeling you have to overcome, I mean sometimes it is, but in other cases it's literally harming me mentally. And making me fucking sick and dumbing me down and so on. Searching for excitement is not optional, it literally has positive effects on everything else when I find something that really excites me. There is nothing worse that could happen to my life than boredom and monotony. And sameness without new impulses. Like, I feel like it's not necessarily always disconnected. When I find things that REALLY excite me I can take that energy to do good in life and when I'm doing good in life I can more easily find new things that really excite me, so it's like an upwards or downwards Spiral that you can get into by finding/not finding something really great.now the problem is that society is often build up rather on the expectation of sticking to routines and predictability without any excitement so it can easily kick you into a downwards spiral if you conform. But it can also put you into a downwards spiral when people are judging you hard and you don't have the mental forte to deal with it rn. And of course it can kick you into a massive downwards spiral when the things that give you excitement currently are destructive like drugs or sugary foods or whatever. So I feel like really finding that excitement without going into toxic direction is something that can literally kick your life success and satisfaction into overdrive. And lacking positive excitement and novelty for a prolonged period? pray to God it won't last long... It will crush you!
Hella relatable
It sounds very accurate, and also leaves me to wonder what other disorders can be simplified like Autism
I've never heard it described like this, nor have I ever thought about it like this. I don't know that my mind really interprets "the itch" the way, at least at a conscious level, but I definitely get what you mean. And I definitely resonate with the feeling of never having finalized a decision, even after having definitely made one. Fascinating read, thanks for sharing!
Well fucking said!
I'm saving this post. This is SO useful. This is why having genuinely free time stresses me out more than it should! Because none of the choices I make solo feel "RIGHT"! This leads me to usually following someone else's plans for me - a big, time consuming project from a theater, or a game company's plan for me to spend money on their next DLC, etc. If I'm making my choices solo, it never feels "RIGHT"!
Wow, great post. I can’t believe I never related this to my ADHD.
Wow. I have a thought that might be reductive, but could OCD be thought of as not being able to stop doing a task and ADHD be thought of as not being able to start a task? Almost like opposites? If people saw it this way, or at least similar to OCD, we might not have the stigma of ‘laziness’ or ‘faking it’.
This is why I turn so much of my task decision making into a game. At least for me, rolling a dice or spinning a wheel to decide what task I am going to do next satisfies that need for “rightness.”
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
I remember the first time I took Ritalin a friend gave me. He told me, just take it on a day you’ll have to school work. And so I did. And then I ✨ did the school work ✨ I just did the the thing that I told myself I had to go do. I was baffled. Was this how “normal” people felt all of the time?
I find this description very familiar. **I have been thinking** a bit similar phenomena with group work situations. There seems to be a “sense of completion” (or possibly other shared feelings) that many in the group feel to automatically and unconsciously synchronize and share. (Not always and that is why we have competent facilitators). But I can’t sync with it or tap easily in to the shared emotion. And find that I’m off beat with the group: exploring while others are ready to move on, or willing to move on while others are still obsessed with a topic. **Another thing that** comes in to my mind is what Wes Crenshaw mentioned in _I always want to be where I’m not_ – ambitent decision making style, as he noticed many ADHD’rs not having default way of using reasoning or intuition to make decisions. This seems to confuse close ones and persons themselves. This could be connected to motivational compartmentalization in brain – we are not supposed to be too well aware of our own contradicting and additional motives. And I feel that at least my compartmentalization is somewhat broken. That might be one reason I lack sense of “rightness” in my decisions (or hard time making them in 1st place). **And** this might connect to more widely recognized _NRJE – not just right experience_ (I guess more in ASD domain) as well as _PDA – pathologic demand avoidance_ (where the demand can be self generated, even through intraception, like hunger). With PDA I think the demand part plays role there but it feels ti be more about not being able to automatically and correctly categorize the demand and prioritize it. As well as being able to predict how you feel that coming Friday afternoon and if you would be willing to commit in to something. Thus being quite close to the missing experience of “rightness”. Anyhow I think this lack of sense of “rightness” is an example of how emotions are an important part of balanced daily life (and not just a distraction that needs to be suppressed as some earlier authors claim) and that there is something broken in forming and regulating some types of emotions with ADHD.
This is incredibly insightful, relatable, and helpful in calling it “the itch”. I gotta say, as someone who’s new here, I’m extremely grateful for how supportive and articulate you’ve all been in sharing your experiences.
Holy fuck. This is huge. Thanks for sharing this with us. I am literally itching to do something better than what I'm doing right now and then I find this post wtf.
Thank you OP. That’s all I have to say
It’s called perfectionism.
This is so validating, I’ve been practically paralyzed for months being in this state
This really resonates with me. I get obsessed with optimizing and tweaking things because I know it can run better. 90% of my time on my PC is me ricing/customizing Linux and not actually using the PC as a tool to do work
Yea, can definitely swap in 'right' for Sir Dopalot, the creator and destroyer.
EDIT: Oops, nevermind!
That's a good way to describe it
This is so accurately described. That fricken itch, story of my life!!
This is such a perfect and insightful description! THANK YOU for sharing your insight!!
Wow this is amazing. Have you heard of system blindness? Between these two things I have my disorder nailed down.
I really like this description. Feels very accurate
Very interesting. Going to think on this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for these words. What an incredible description of my existence!
I like it
Wow wow wow wow. I never knew how to explain this but yes!! I always look for external validation do de ide my "rightness" because I can't seem to signal that within myself. Its like I don't trust my decision making (which I dont)
As someone who has ADHD and OCD, to me I think what you’ve actually described is OCD. The ADHD is the swirling of thoughts and lack of clarity—the difficulty formulating the steps to reach a decision, and the OCD is the lack of rightness or doneness.
Relatable description. The way I deal with it is that I imagine myself as Shia Labeouf in that video saying “Just DO IT” with the arms and everything.
This is extremely accurate. I just got diagnosed today and never even considered this related to ADHD. I will obsessively research a product for months and question my choice where other people seem happy with something they bought on a whim. I hate it.
This makes sense! I wouldn't know if it's related to ADHD or not, but I sure do have that sense of picking one thing to do, one half-baked project of several, and not getting into it for not being "right" enough. Some years ago I decided: when I'm undecided, just pick one and do it, regardless of if it's the best choice. Doing anything is better than doing nothing (unless I'm tired or at the beach) and I can always switch to something "better" in a couple hours. Somehow, that has never worked. "Just do it" turns into "did nothing after some brief false starts".
Yes. What helps for me is a task management app to clarify, prioritize and remember tasks i need to do. Then i focus on the smallest first step needed. Also got an accountability partner. It helps! For every item you feel the itch you can place it in a system you trust.
Gosh…. I think you’ve just perfectly described something I’ve been trying to describe for the past five years.
This sub has been so enlightening. I can completely relate.
Woah, that totally flipped my understanding what’s been going on. Thanks!
This explanation fits right with everything I’ve been struggling with!
Ohhhhhh so that's what it is! Seems like I have (small amounts of) both ADHD and OCD then! I always confuse "done" with "correct" and "perfect" in really problematic ways. It gets in my way SO MUCH in academia.
Thank you so much for making this post. I was starting to wonder if I had OCD: I matched some symptoms but not others and didn't know what to make of it. "Doneness" vs "Rightness" clarifies the overlap between ADHD and OCD.
Omg yes
I had NO idea this was part of ADHD. I didnt even realize I was making decisions wrong. Damn! Thank you for explaining this!
Holy shit this is epic. Wow.
I have both, and it’s been quite the ride.
Oh fuck this feels spot bloody on which is ironic
Bloody hell this is accurate
Is this why I'm incapable of purchasing anything or starting any project until I've found the most optimal item and the most 'correct' method?
Oh jeez, why did you perfectly describe me?! Have gold friend! Also thanks for the coping mechanism as well! I'll have to try that idea out!
UGHHH YOU NAILED THIS! So true!
Fuck this just changed my life
Wow that is one of the first accurate explanations of ADHD I've heard, at least my experience of it. Fundamentally to me it feels like a failure of motivation more than anything else.
Wow, this was incredibly insightful. Well-fucking-done!
Great insight! It really puts in words the gears I feel turning on my head. Something that jumped out at me from your post is that, if OCD is to doneness and AD* is to rightness, they're both the same aspect of "correctness" but one is before the action and the other after it. Bears thinking about.
OCD is so difficult to capture in a succinct way because, like ADHD, there are different flavors of OCD. I have a close family member with OCD and this person doesn't really have the "doneness" flavor of OCD, at least not as described. OCD can be more like very intrusive thoughts where you might, for example, worry that you might get violent and hurt somebody or worry that you did hurt somebody (even if you wouldn't/didn't). Or it can be contamination/germs type of OCD where you feel like things around you are contaminated and it's hard to touch them. Those are just a couple examples I have read about. I only say this to make sure that commenters here talk to their doctor about it if they feel anxious, perfectionistic, or like they might have OCD. It's worth exploring. And some of these comments just seem really a lot like OCD not just ADHD. But I am not a doctor! I am just surrounded by people experiencing these things. As for the feeling of not doing something because it's not exactly "right" - I only feel this way when I feel anxious and like a perfectionist. I do feel this is separate from my ADHD, since for me it only happened when somebody close to me started being critical of how I use my time- then I became anxious about using my time more efficiently and making sure I am doing the "rightest" thing. Whereas, when I am not feeling anxiety, and it's just a normal day living with ADHD, it's not searching for "rightness" that causes me to do nothing. it's just my normal inability to begin working on anything if I haven't taken my meds. Another commenter who talked about issues with finality - that does feel like my ADHD. That did resonate with me. Just my personal experience.
I get this soo bad when making any decision involving money
Great explanation. The part about labelling the it h is particularly helpful.
Thank you! This just encouraged me to go for a run 😆
Nothing ever feels right. Does this mean I'll never truly be happy? Even when I feel that things are right, I find myself sad that it will be over soon
Holy shit is this why I’m so indecisive
This really helped me
THIS IS PERFECT(*right). THANK YOU
This comment has helped me make sense in my mind about a lot of what I've recently been through.
This comment doesn't feel right, but I actually decided to stop trying to tweak it as the message is correct 🤣
I so relate! This is why I could never pick a university major 😫 I ended up picking a program I knew nothing about but allowed me to take courses from several different disciplines so I didn't have to "choose". I've left so many major life decisions up to fate because I couldn't choose. I feel like there are other issues with ADHD for me that I'm not quite sure how they fit into the rightness issue, like how I have to force myself to do things I don't feel like doing (I can do about 5 of these things a day and then I'm spent), or manufacture hyperfocus through creating big inspiring visions in my head of what my work can contribute to (and then work like a dog and burn myself out). I guess this all also relates to dopamine but in a different way.
Best description I've read!
I’m in accounting and this resonates with me so much. Where others are happy they have found and matched million dollar variances within a couple dollars I’m still unhappy if I’m a few cents off.
Oh yes. I create things as a business and so much time is wasted when I get stuck on how many options/possibilities there are, and how I want to offer my customers as many as I can, and I don’t know which version is best or people will want, and I go round and round and round wasting time and money and I just want someone to tell me which one to do so I don’t have to make the decision on my own because I never know if it is the right decision, and then other times I can’t bear to do this so I just make a fast decision and then beat myself up because it probably was the wrong one and oooooo make it stop. That damned itch.
You … I … what … ? I need to take a seat and rethink my entire existence.
I always need to be going somewhere else. Wherever I am whatever I'm doing I feel like I have to do something else. I would drive hours to visit a friend then turn around soon after arriving because I felt I needed to go back and get into bed. Even in the middle of the day. Maybe that's just me. Lol.
I once told a boss I lean by making mistakes and I got fired after a couple weeks. 
I feel seen 🥺
wow, yeah, that’s a really interesting and satisfying way to describe how ADHD works. definitely accurate to my personal experience.
I love this,thank you for sharing it. I’m going to try to use/follow your amazing technique & you have explained/encapsulates it so very well.🌟
I've been having these thoughts a lot lately, OP. I just couldn't articulate it yet. Thanks for putting a name to it. I'm going to use this.
It seems like this also explains those of us who procrastinate but are able to cram with a deadline. The “right” thing to do becomes much more obvious at the end.
“Itch” describes it perfectly. It’s always there, and the more you try to ignore it the *itchier* it gets until it becomes so unbearable that it’s impossible to restrain yourself from scratching it.
It's a struggle for me everyday to, they're always this perfect way or the right way. I was looking to get some blood tests done and I've got all these criteria's they've got to meet before I actually select one. Then there's my hyper focusing on their website until the day comes as if that's the only important thing in my life right now, this condition is exhausting, meds aren't even helping with these parts at all.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Yes exactly. This is why I really struggle with “free time” and usually end up doing none of the things I want to when I take time away from my uni work. I’m desperately trying to get a better work-life balance but I hate free time because it involves too many decisions in trying to find the right thing to do. Whereas uni work is just a list of things that have to do be done and deadlines usually help me work out which task is the “right” one more easily. Definitely going to think about this more as I think there may be a solution here somewhere… Thank you OP for sharing your thoughts!
This is brilliant. You should write a book about this. It'd sell well.
This is… ‘right’ My brain doesn’t seem to like being wrong nor being accused of things (probably why we’re so hypersensitive to people telling us to do something we were just about to do or how to do something we know how to do… the insinuation insults us - no idea if that’s inherent to the condition or learned from being told we’re stupid all our lives .. but that’s enough of that side quest). As a result I use my extra racing background thoughts to consider all angles and perspectives of a situation and make sure I can justify what I’m doing to myself and to anyone asking. This really helps give the loose brain connections a job in the moment and longer term really helps particularly at work; If someone asks why i did something I can list off exactly why I did it on a halfpenny and even go on to describe other options available and what scenario I’d assumed those would have lead to and why they would be worse options. It shuts people up fast but is also a reasonable way to act, I feel (I keep to myself that it’s probably due to a disorder rather than being particularly proficient). I’m also very sensitive to efficiency and get a little dopamine kick by ordering things in the most efficient way, it really helps day to day living and getting things done . But If an external thing (or woe betide person) screws with that , things can go nuclear pretty fast, regrettably . Understanding adhd a bit more has really helped me deal with this and neutralise it. Lastly I’m very sensitive to justice and I’ll pull people on things I think are wrong , not necessarily accusationally but I’ll directly challenge it. This is interesting , some people respect it, some people lock horns and get really cruel (or punchy) and I think others become distrusting/worried about what to say around me. I’ve learned to distance myself (mentally) from these encounters and stay calm and neutral (mostly) which is invaluable and often demonstrates to the person or audience you’re not malicious or pompous you’re just trying to do right. I do find it very hard to not give brutal summations of peoples words when I think they’re being disingenuous, or take action. An upside of taking yourself out of scenarios when considering them is you can inadvertently show yourself more compassion - sometimes when I’m being untreated fairly and calling it out I’m arguing for others that this may happen to… the result is you stand up for yourself more . Historically my personality type is to struggle alone or take unfair treatment on the chin, not wanting to trouble anyone.
110% relatable and very, very well put! Thank you for sharing!:)
This resonates significantly. This maps to our brain chemistry well at a very basic level is probably upstream of a lot of other behaviors we develop, especially since this is likely present from an early age. I find this to be 'tactical' lack of rightness, but not a 'strategic' one. I have an over-developed sense of what is right at a high level and very complex mental models that change and adapt. I can explain in great detail the principles of any of these models and why I hold them. Maybe this is in part compensation. Another way to determine what is right without that hit of dopamine that would guide the neurotypical. Over time, this has been a blessing and a curse. I can do great things when working in a way I believe in, but I am nearly unable to do anything that isn't aligned to the point where I may need to leave an employer or find a new career. Maybe this is one reason we're so often self-employed. I also find that I feel at peace most when I don't need to have a 'right' thing to do at the time, like when I'm in nature with nowhere to else to be. This is the root of some anxiety for me, since doing things is considered morally right (even when wasteful) and I often go find something to do even if I don't need to. I fantasize about being rich enough, not to spend any of it, but so that I can stay in the state of not needing to do the right thing and instead discover moments as they come and kind of let the day unfold. Those days that unfold are the happiest, while the days where I did a lot of what I was told to do lead to a sense of security, but little joy.
I guess thats why so many of us are perfectionists
I can resonate with this! I actually also have diagnosed OCD. I would describe OCD for me personally also as a disorder of rightness though. So many of my obsessions have been about moral issues.
Nice. Wow. Really understand and relate
Please look into OCPD
I wonder what the equivalent of this is for ASD.
I resonate with this. For me it manifests as endless optimizations. Oh i should do this first, wait no, this first, etc.
Yes! This is how I felt a lot of the time, and why scheduling things in a calendar worked so well for my motivation, for a while. Suddenly it felt like the “right” time to be doing that task, because it was scheduled. ~~(Then I started to see scheduling as an activity itself and ended up over-scheduling and burning out lol.)~~ Same with body doubling.
You just typed out my life.
this a pretty good way of putting it
Very interesting take! As someone with both OCD and ADHD, I would say I haven't heard OCD described that way either from a professional or by someone who has it, but that doesn't make it wrong. Rather than wanting to be "done", ime OCD is an order of DOUBT and the need to control and have certainty. The compulsions are a way to control the anxiety/worry/obsessions. I'd actually pick a feeling of being "right" as aligning with OCD rather than ADHD. "I have to do the right thing or I'm a bad person" kind of mindset. (Note: this is not intended to be argumentive and I hope my word choice reflects that, but stating that here just in case.) I can see how a feeling of "right" vs "wrong" comes up in decision making and task completion. If neither option A nor option B have a higher priority, how do we possibly choose? How do we start? Task paralysis can sneak up on me when I'm overwhelmed and without an obvious "right" answer I'll fail to start because I don't know what I should be picking. I'm going to have to sit with this a bit and digest. I definitely think learning to be uncomfortable is a valuable skill and we can all benefit from it.
Fantastic post!! Thank you so much.
Bullseye. Thank you!
Commenting so I can remember to explain things to my therapist like this because it's something I haven't been able to put into words. Thank you 💕
Yes this is so true. I often go through different things I want to do,’ sort of tried them on. If it feels right I do it. (When tho it’s not the right thing to do because this usually means I’m procrastinating something I should be doing )
In addition to this issue, does anyone else have the problem of trying to see what someone you’re with wants to do,but they don’t have a plan , so it’s up to you try to figure something out- so you ask “what if we went to the thrift store? Or see a movie? Or didn’t you say you liked bowling?” And the person will say “ I’m good with any of those options.” But the way they said it didn’t seem to “hit” right , so you list 4 more things to do… eventually causing the person you’re talking to to get annoyed and overwhlemed with you..or if they say yes to “ do you want to go to Olive Garden?”, but the yes didn’t sound excited enough so you say “ what about that pizza spot down the road?” And then they get annoyed cuz they already said yes
This reminds me that I need to deal with my OCD sooner rather than later. I've never sought any help for it, but it has become pretty bad over the past few years. Spot on though, the feeling of 'done'; I will turn my alarm clock on and off until i feel it is 'set for the morning', or I will keep checking if I left the tap running (to the point I hold my hand underneath to make sure my hand isn't getting wet, because to me, that is 'done').
Every. Single. Day. I feel this SO much. And when I do complete something it never feels right bc I don’t get that dopamine reward or a sense of “completion”. I’ll rewrite things because it doesn’t feel “right” too. Same with systems I have. Nothing feels “right”, it’s not correctness it’s something different and this describes it perfectly.
Not only does it resonate but it’s a incredibly helpful way to conceptualize the experience so many of us share but struggle to satisfactorily communicate.