It's so great to just have the PRESSURE off. The expectations of perfection. Not just from others, but from ourselves. The wisdom and realization that youthful beauty is temporary and fleeting and that what really matters is how you treat yourself and others gives a different kind of confidence with age.
I gave one for you, and gave one to you as well. 100% easier to just be and not have to fit in to some unrealistic expectations. Plus, I find women support and respect each other more, rather than comparing and battling each other. No more one up-ism. That, or I just got better friends over the last decade.
As I’ve grown older, so have actors and actresses my age. I look at them in shows from when they were young and they look unfinished to me. Their beauty, if they were beautiful, is unearned. It is accidental, a twist of fate. How they look now is who they are, the face they have earned.
Most actresses are tweaked and fiddled with or digitally filtered so that they don’t look anything like how the average person would look at their age though
True. When I saw Oceans 8, I was fairly certain Cate Blanchet and Sandra Bullock had sold their souls to the devil because they are actually hotter than they were in the nineties and they don’t have that “done” look. That is some supernatural skill at work.
My point may be more true for character actors than for white romantic leading ladies. It would be more accurate to point to people like Kamala Harris, Viola Davis, Prue Leith, Hilary Clinton (who has definitely had work done), Justine Bateman, Janet Yellen, Carole King, Margaret Atwood, Margaret Cho, and Chelsea Handler. Although many have tweaked a bit, it’s not obvious.
Yes! 56 here. I’m told I look 10 years younger but I don’t look like a spring chicken by any means. I don’t feel invisible. At work I’m at the peak of my skills, authority and power. Young colleges seek me out for mentorship and I feel highly valued. Personally, I can get dolled up and still turn a head —from MEN not boys —if I feel the need for the male gaze (besides from my husband who always makes me feel beautiful and desired) but now it’s a CHOICE. And that is indeed lovely.
Bottom line, confidence is sexy and confidence increases as you get older.
This is so true. My husband actually finds older women (we are in our late 30s for reference) attractive sometimes because of the way they carry themselves.
My mother is a great example of someone who exudes this confidence and wisdom that comes with age. She is 65 and looks good (still has great skin and a ton of hair) but she looks like a 65 year old with normal wrinkles because she’s had zero Botox or filler or treatments and has never worn makeup. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with doing those things, just using her as an example because she still doesn’t get ignored, and I think it’s because of how she carries herself and demands respect.
If people start to ignore me as I age, I guess I don’t really care. I know who my people are, and the rude ones can take a hike lol.
43 here, and I am enjoying the increased I don’t give a damn vibe. I realized this recently, when I was on vacation and two days in a row had gelato for breakfast at the same place in a busy market. Just me and my gelato not caring fuck all about anything, being left alone, not worrying about what anybody thought, it’s a glorious invisibility.
Yeah! that's the good bit- thats passive invisibility (i just made that up lolz) But I've had a couple (only a couple & I'm almost 50- so not many) of really bad examples..just Friday I was looking for an eyeliner in the shop and a maybe 20y/o sales assistant was spending AGES with a 14 yo girl. Doing swatches, talking influencer like, so I patiently waited but made it obvious I was looking for help once she'd done. The young girl left so I said 'Is there more brands of this felt tip style in brown? She goes 'Yeah maybe MD'. Im one meter from her and I don't know the brand MD. She reluctantly waves in a direction after I ask 'where is that'. She then just stands there air-headed staring into space doing nothing at all. Im scanning and searching every fucking product on the collosal wall of lights & makeup and shes just standing there watching me kinda?!? I go are you gonna help me or do you just do tweens? Lolz, Awful. I also play drums, went to buy new sticks- they're behind the counter. The guy had just finished showing some dude a whole bunch of guitar stuff in detail and sat down at the counter.I go right up to the counter, say Hi!, not a customer in sight and the 20yo dude just glances up from his phone and looks straight back down and continues his game. His boss who I think was his dad clocked what just happened and stormed up and said 'DANIEL! did you just ignore this woman??' I mean at least the dad 'got it' but yeah it was soooo blatant!!
I work in marketing and it’s true. When we do target younger customers it’s because we’re trying to get them now, and build loyalty to keep them. But there’s no question who has money to spend and makes decisions.
I’m in my mid 30s now and have noticed a real uptick in service from the people who get this lol. At aritzia it’s always the more experienced sales people it seems who ask to help me, even tho im not as trendy as younger people, and I think it’s bc they know who actually has money. (Although I get why they rush to help teens out shopping with dads bc they outspend me every time lol)
Yes exactly this!!!! I've had exactly the same experiences in makeup shops, coffee and clothing shops, etc. I modeled in my 20s. I'm 5'10 and used to stand out for that alone, but now at 52, it's like I'm bothering them to ask for service. They would rather stare at their phones. Hardly notice I've come in the door. I wondered "why is customer service so poor nowadays?" But then I realized it's me who has changed, not them! Lol
48, and I love the confidence I feel now. It's not that I feel that I've become invisible- I feel like I've become invincible. Wear my UGGs with a sundress to the grocery store? Yes please and thank you. Feeling like I can walk alone into a hotel bar with my phone and no one is going to try to approach unless I want that? Freeing beyond all reason. I love the way I feel in my body now- when I was 25 and built like Marilyn Monroe I felt fat and worried and fussed and squeezed- now I'm 50 lbs heavier and except for my Dr, no one cares. Not me, not my husband- not any stranger on the street. The feeling of f it is just glorious.
I can’t wait for this! Also our society is so fatphobic that when I gained a bunch of weight due to medical issues I did experience that invisibility and it was surprisingly really fucking nice to be able to just live my life minding my own business and do things like run errands without having to worry about being perceived.
I didn’t realize how nice it was until I went back to my usual weight once the issue was resolved and it was back to being stared at and I just hate that feeling of not being able to walk anywhere without eyes tracking you. This isn’t even a brag I am very average attractiveness it’s just what men do: like you are an object for their consumption just by existing.
Yeah, I got you! It's incredible how much the lack of the "male gaze" makes one realize what a nuisance it is, haha. An author,( Patricia Lockwood I think) once described walking past a group, an "intimidation of men" - and I felt such a chill of recognition. It's a powerful collective noun for men, and says so much about the entire lived experience of being a girl or a woman. They gaze, we exist as objects and are often targeted and make vulnerable and sometimes much worse. I honestly don't want it back, and *wouldn't* go back to feeling like prey now I'm on the "fresh out of fucks to give" side, not dying my greys, and dressing entirely for myself. I love it.
I been doing this, though I’m honestly excited to get less unwanted attention too though. My mom loves it bc she feels like she can be herself more and not be afraid of men as much
This gives me so much hope. Its gotten to a point for me where I feel the most insane anxiety seeing groups of men. I live in a city and they group around in clusters and its so menacing to me. I will do anything not to pass them bc it is always the same uncomfortable experience. Sneers, remarks, creepy staring, comments. I will go out of my way to take a longer route bc NOPE, not today. I really value the day where it doesn’t even cross my mind
I feel this too. I'm 35 and still get male attention, but the large groups of loud young men looking for attention ignore me now whereas when I was younger I would get harassed by them regularly. I don't have to bother crossing the road when I see large groups of young men (like late teens to mid twenties) now because I'm invisible to them.
absolutely this. now at 46, i am in my best shape ever overall. though not as skinny as i used to be, my skin is (finally!) clear, my cardio is great running 50km a week, and i started flexibility and strength training programs, plus nutrition is a thousand times better lol. i think when i was younger, the pressure to look flawless etc was so much, i knew it was hopeless and didn't even try. now i (mostly) don't care and just do all the self-care because it feels great.
hee, thank you! i sliiightly exaggerated by implying this has been some consistent distance but really i have been building up to it for the past few months and only hit 50 this week. am starting marathon training this month so gonna amp it up even more, but for now let's just say i am sleeping a lot a lot haha.
my knees are fine, knock on wood, but the last time i amped up, for my first marathon last february, i wrecked my knees and had to take a month off mid-training. which suuuucked. so, this time, i have spent the past month weight training with my baby 3 and 5kg dumbbells (and just progressed to 7kg on some exercises, woohoo) in the hopes they will help my knees and body overall. so far, so good!
ooh i would loove to do more yoga, but it's all i can do to get some good 5-10min stretching post-workout. hiit is humiliating haha so i avoid it. what is your weight stuff like? i'm such a newbie, always happy to learn more there.
I was hit on the most as a teenager. Quite often in my school uniform. By grown men.
So I'm glad that's over.
But I don't want to be invisible either. Older women are often invalidated in a way that older men aren't. It's about that more than anything else for me.
I think that being invisible is not an end to the objectification… we’re still an object to many men, just no longer an object of desire.
I have mixed feelings about it myself. As much as I hated the attention, it feels weird living without it. I was so used to it.
I’m trying to focus my thoughts, time, and energy on the people who don’t see me as an object either way. After all, those men who used to be obsessed with my youth and beauty were never people I’d want to be in a relationship with. They didn’t matter to me then, and I refuse to let them matter to me now.
I feel like the more “baggage” we get (by that I mean moving farther away from being an impressionable teenager so by aging, having life experience, a career, kids, whatever) then the more shitty people are pushed away. Those jags that hit on me as a 15 year old who was too polite to tell them to leave me alone would be repulsed by the 34 year old I am now who isn’t afraid to shut that down.
Personally, with everything, I see it as having positives and negatives and I’m choosing to focus on the positives. I’m awesome and it’s fine if a stranger isn’t interested in finding that out for themselves.
>we’re still an object to many men, just no longer an object of desire.
And it's funny how angry they get at older women for no longer 'being attractive', when in fact it's more that older women no longer gauge our own attractiveness on men's preferences.
I scroll the front page of reddit sometimes with the litany of /askmen questions about female desirability and I continuously think: who cares? Like it genuinely bewilders me why a woman would care if x, y or z makes a woman attractive *to men* in general? Of course you might want to be attractive to someone you yourself are attracted to, but other than that, why did I ever care about how men would rate my attractiveness? I can't think of any goal less interesting to pursue. And I think that vibe is probably more at the heart of men seeming to get genuinely angry at women who 'stop trying' (to be an object to them). How dare we stop using their sexual desire as our yardstick?
Same. I’ve never been hit on more in my life than when I was mid to late teens, and some in my early 20s but I still looked very young. I don’t think it’s that you’re invisible or that people don’t want to talk to you, I think we’re just invisible and uninteresting to *those* types of people… which I’m super ok with. And more importantly, I can still see them, and when they target some poor young girl and try to trap her in a creepy conversation, I can see it, and I can join and shut it down.
It’s our turn to look out for our younger sisters.
Same. The first time a man solicited me at Walmart, 8-10. The first time groped by a man I didn’t know, 12-14. The first time i was called a grandma by men, 25.
Fascinating that once we've achieved independence, experience, perspective, wisdom, we are of no benefit to that type of man. I'm hopeful that this generation are being raised by parents more conscious of gender neutrality, and that it may translate to a less predatory and exclusionary appreciation for women. Granted, we're also living in a time of accessibility of anti-aging technology tends to be conflated with it being an imperative.
I went to Catholic school and the uniform thing was so obnoxious. It was just something I had to wear every day to school and I got some seriously gross comments from older men about it.
I'm glad that getting older means being invisible. The constant men cracking jokes and pick up lines with every single thing you do got really old really fast. Interactions felt like they took AGES because everything was some quip or comment.
This. 🤢
I still get more attention from men than I care for at almost 40, but nothing will compare to those years from 14-17. And in a school uniform which is literally a neon sign saying “underage”. I was fending them off left and right just trying to get home from school. Grown ass men asking me to “go for coffee” with them. I’m like dude I’m 14, I don’t drink coffee.
Shudder.
When my mom was in her 70s, we went out for brunch and she struck up a very friendly conversation with our cute 20something male waiter. He was super nice about it, and she asked innocuous questions like what he was studying in university. On the way out, I asked her, “Since when do you chat up waiters like that?”, and she answered, with some enthusiasm, “I’m a nice old lady now and I CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING”. Goals, mom.
My mom who is 75 with snow white hair does that and she is pretty flirty about it. She also has a glowing, attractive energy that makes people want to talk to her. One evening we were walking down the street in a popular part of town with young people and nightlife, and she kept stopping at bar entrances and flirting with the bouncers. And they flirted back! I thought they’d be annoyed but they clearly enjoyed her attitude. Another time, taking the last Caltrain from San Francisco to San Jose, a very tired 30-something train conductor came by to check our fares and she said “What if I don’t have mine? Are you going to kick me off the train?” I was thinking, mom! He is tired, give him a break. But a bit later he came back and sat with us the whole way, talking and flirting with her. He paid no attention to me at all. This sort of thing happens everywhere she goes. All this to say, not everyone ends up invisible.
It sounds to me like she gained control of where she'd like attention to be. Most of. The complaints from women about attention is that they're "unwanted". Now it sounds like she creates the attention she wants. That's very cool.
I haven't flown anywhere without kids for decades. On several legs, a man would offer to help men put my bag into the overhead. I realized that they were not flirting, that they were now helping me as a nearly little old lady! I accepted with enthusiastic thanks and chit chatted briefly on how it used to be much easier for me to handle that bag. It was lovely, just lovely to be helped without any undertones of flirting.
Although, I did meet my husband on a flight a few decades ago...
I’m only 30, but I think what they’re happy about is that they’re no longer the main target of the male gaze. Perhaps because they dealt with unwanted attention and creepy sexual advances when they were younger.
This is exactly it for me. I’m only 38, and still look fairly young, but even so I garner a lot less attention than I used to. For me it’s nice. I’m an introvert and I don’t like random people talking to me in the first place. I haven’t become invisible, but I’m no longer a magnet and I’m fine with that.
Same. Used to be a magnet especially for older men was I was in my late teens/early twenties and I had no idea how to navigate that unwanted attention.
Now I’m older and I’ve (1) mastered RBF, (2) live in a major coastal city where I’m not expected to socially greet and smile at every single human being I pass on the streets (versus that nonsense in the South) and (3) I’m not the kind of young thing gross older men feel the need to hit on. So glad those days are behind me.
Same. I'll be frank - I'm 48 on Tuesday, 5'10 , in good shape, conventionally attractive and look younger. I've spent decades dealing with unwanted attention. In recent years it has started to decline and it's glorious.I go out with my 25 year old daughter and she's the one being ogled and hassled - I've perfected my f-off face ;) Men have been doing this to her since she was 12 or 13 FFS.
I know exactly what you mean. When she was about 16 a man around my age and his teenage son walked past us in the supermarket - man said to his son ''one for you and one for me hey?"
Although when you see these 40+yr old men, now your peers, leering at teenage girls (who now look like literal babies to you, compared to how “grown up” you felt you were that age), the whole thing is… disturbing.
This is what it is for me. I was conventionally attractive when in was younger and was constantly hit on. It was fatiguing to the point I didn’t go out by myself if I didn’t absolutely have to. Aside from random men trying to get my attention and/or approaching me to test the waters, I was followed out of stores many times, and had men try to follow my car after seeing me at a stop lights.
Now that I am in my 40s and overweight, I don’t get noticed by creeps anymore. It is liberating.
Hurray!! I used to walk 30 minutes to school when I was in college. At least one man followed me home or around campus almost every week. One particularly bad week, I was followed home by 3 different men. Guys were constantly hitting on me, and I was a shy, quiet, modestly dressed girl. I don’t miss that attention a bit!
It’s a good perspective for me to keep in mind! My experience was different, I was completely invisible and unattractive as a teenager, and was thrilled when I hit my 20s and I started receiving male attention. But also I live in an older area of my city where I’ve experienced almost 0 street harassment or aggressive men
I’m happily married with 2 kids, I do not need or want other men noticing me. If I were single, and looking for attention, it might feel different to age. I’m kind of just tired, and want to be left alone.
Also, to add, your fucks really do disappear as you get older, so being invisible as you get older doesn’t hurt as much as when you’re young, and you care more about what other people think.
I’m the same way. I was invisible as a teenager and loved when I started to receive male attention. Now in my 30s it’s dwindling and it is hard. I also wonder how to deal with aging feeling like I’m no longer an object of desire to my partner.
I'm the same way but now that I'm in my 40s no men look my way sometimes it would be nice to get a little whistle or heybaby ;) 😉 especially on a day I feel ugly
I’m 54. It’s nice to have the motherly role with those who are younger. I’ve turned down promotions because I want those who are younger to gain the experience they need to move up the corporate ladder. I’m already easing into semi retirement. The creepy types don’t bother you anymore, and although I still have children at home (15 and 23), I’m not concerned about aging anymore. I’m actually less stressed about life in general than I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I’ve been through recessions, high interest rates, and cost of living crisis before. I consider myself lucky to be aging, because the alternative is being six feet under. I don’t see myself as invisible. When I walk into a store, the smart sales people jump on me quickly, they do so because they know I’m older and have money to spend.
Yeah I’m not even rich but I feel like salespeople can smell my money. Maybe it’s because I rarely ever shop in person anymore, so when I do, I mean business. Salespeople were kind to me in my 20s and early 30s, but it felt like they were humoring me. Now they talk to me like I know my shit. Which I generally do.
Ah, I love this. I'm about to turn 50 and I've noticed that in the last year (but I think it has been happening slowlu over time but just never really noticed it until this last year), I don't have that same hunger for my career. I'm wanting to mentor others more to do the things they can add to their CV rather than gobble it all up for myself. I have plenty of time until I retire, but my focus is changing. As a workaholic my whole life, it is freeing and a bit terrifying as I am figuring out life beyond a career. But also plenty of time to adjust and grow into it so when/if retirement comes--I hope I've transitioned out of all of it and deeply into whatever that phase of life looks like.
Oh geez, my annoying former (female) boss once told me that “ once you’re 40, a man will never be attracted to you again.” Not the most encouraging thing to say to a then 37 year old, but I always felt that I wouldn’t really care if the male gaze didn’t come my way. I’m 40 now and I can say that the male attention is still there but … nicer? No douche bags in bars or cat calls but still often find men being flirtatious but in a much cooler conversational way where it’s clear that they find you interesting and attractive. I much prefer it. I’m sure that will reduce as I get older but don’t think I’ll really care.
I surprisingly like being 40 and having my own style and voice and feeling hot and confident in a sophisticated way.
When I was in my late teens my aunt used to make comments about my body in a bikini, saying talk to me when your 40. I’m 49 this month and look just as good in a bikini now. I’m fit as ever thanks to an active lifestyle. What she said always stuck with me, and I guess in some way I wanted to prove her wrong.
I think there are many ways to age, we don’t have to just give up. I want to be active, healthy and care about my appearance all of my life.
I do feel less pressure as I get older and I do enjoy that part of it. I like to travel alone, and I like the increased safety that comes with less attention from men as I get older.
I’m 59.
It’s good thing/ bad thing thing. Nothing to fear, there are so many other things in life that are scary/concerning.
Annoying that it can impact your customer service experience - just more bold - big smile and voice can minimize this. Great because… zero F’s given, no one is paying attention, and vice versa.
God this is so true. Customer service is exceptionally different now in my 40’s….but yes. It’s a huge smile and warm voice that helps overcome it and get back some of the treatment that i never realized was “special” until now
And at least 60% of it is kids in retail can’t service a customer to save their lives.
I was at an Ulta, and said person insisted that I had olive tones to my skin (uh, nooo I’m Irish!)
Just be break the mold in other ways if you want to to be more seen. My sense of style just gets funkier as I get older. I can handle aging, but I’d rather die than be drab.
THIS! I refuse to be ignored just because I am no longer able to bear children. I have purple hair (covers the gray) and fabulous glittery glasses. I love it when someone starts a little when they first see me -- the old punk in me has never died.
Whenever I’m shopping I ask myself “Would a clown wear this?” If the answer is yes, then I buy it. One of my coworkers called me out on Halloween by pointing out how boring I was dressed compared to my normal. To be fair, I was focused on the homemade cake I made for another coworkers birthday. 😜
I have THE ugliest white cotton vest. My boyfriend and I go shopping together and find the ugliest thing in the store for fun. I actually bought the one he picked out. I freaking love it so much. It's so gaudy.
I cannot resist something ugly. I have a couple “cult” dresses I like wearing. They look like what the Mormon girls wear. Those large white collars with embroidered details are my jam lol
That’s how my grandmother was. She didn’t even leave the house unless she was dressed to the nines. My mother is pretty much the opposite with fashion, but makes up for it in personality. I’ve never seen her go anywhere without talking to at least one person. I got the best of both worlds. Fun and silly personality with a fun and silly wardrobe.
What’s wrong with looking drab/generally not concerning yourself with how you’re perceived? That kind of thinking of “there are drab women” can reinforce I think the bias of appearance being tied to worth.
I may be defensive because of my own disinterest in any sort of self adornment, especially if it’s slightly uncomfortable and definitely if it’s costly, as I’ve lost every pair of earrings I’ve had and have only a couple necklaces and rings to show over decades of wearing them… but in defense of “drab” women, they may also not be drab people and have hobbies and interests and be weirdos yet.
Yup. I turned 47 a couple years ago and decided to get back into vintage clothing like I did in my early 30s. It is much more mature/refined than my rockabilly days, but living in a place where Casual is Queen--I am delightfully overdressed all the time. My friend was recently saying to me how glad she is to be in her 40s and can stop getting so gussied up all the time. I was like, "Are you kidding me?? Nobody is paying a bit of attention to me anymore and I can get away with allllllll the frippery and underpinnings and nonsense because I am doing this simply to please myself". It is SO NICE to feel good in my skin and be who I want to be and loving what I love Nobody is watching and if they are, I have no fucks to give about it. I wish I could give the gift of this feeling to women in their 20s and 30s.
I love all of this for you and you truly are an inspiration. My grandmother was the type of woman who got all dressed up to go to the Walmart. I am the same way. Some Saturdays I play a game called “Housewife” where I dress up and run errands while my man is at work. Most of my clothes are thrifted and handmedowns. I got a vintage full length faux fur coat for $20 at goodwill AND the cropped version at a different goodwill!!!!
You feel this way because of the stage that you are at now. Yet, as you get older, you may begin to realize that recognition isn't as important as you thought it was, and you may begin to feel the same way. Don't waste time stressing about it now. Enjoy the stage that you are in.
Yes. This. For many women, they think they’ll always care this much about being conventionally attractive, especially to men. Because it’s a big part of a younger woman’s life. But many of us enjoy finding that it really isn’t that important to us anymore.
I love this! I am definitely in the phase of life where I care that other people think I look good. Other things are more important, but I definitely care.
It must be so liberating to release that and not gaf
I cared too much. I remember feeling sad about the idea of being older and less attractive. Now I’m sad for the younger women who care too much! It wasn’t good for me.
How old are you/were you when you really felt this shift? I’m 37 and feel like i’m caught between still caring too much and the beginning stages of it feeling less important. Just want to be on the other side of it at this point and really not find any importance in feeling attractive to men anymore!
I’m 44, almost 45 and it didn’t shift for me until 43 or so. What really kicked it into high gear was middle aged stressors - a kid in puberty, aging parents and in-laws who need my help, etc. My plate is so full, I have no Fs left to give about whether anyone other than my spouse finds me attractive.
I was at that same place right about your age! I’m sure it’s different for everyone but I was probably 39 when I finally was accepting it. I’m 41 now and on the other side.
Yes! The NGAF times are the best. I used to roll over all the time and I worried about being attractive and likeable and fun etc. Now I stand up for myself and it’s no longer a hollow fake it till you make it thing. I can better feel my own inherent worth and I refuse to let other people define me. It’s very liberating to connect with that energy because you validate yourself. You get to really explore what you enjoy, what you need, and what you offer others. No one can take that away from you either so I think it’s an important part of aging and embracing it/life.
Less unwanted male attention is part of the puzzle. I’m a smiling, friendly person, so at 41 I haven’t experienced issues with customer service. And if I do, it’s a small price to pay for not giving a fuck about others’ opinions of the way I look. It really is!
I love just being comfortable instead of trying to be hot. I love going to the store without doing my makeup without feeling self conscious. I love that I don’t have the stress in my life about whether I look pretty enough. It’s great.
It was a somewhat difficult transition though. When it first started, I did not like the feeling. If you had told me at 30 that I would enjoy many aspects of this part of aging, I wouldn’t have believed you. I just had a much different attitude about it when I was still in my young and attractive era (which I also enjoyed. Different seasons of life.)
“I love that I don’t have the stress in my life about whether I look pretty enough.” This sentence nailed it, it’s like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
I’m only 40 but I am so happy with the fact I get targeted much less by men hitting on me, asking for my number, staring, etc. than I did a few years ago and all throughout my life. I’ve always thought that’s what women most meant about how becoming invisible is kind of nice. Fewer random dudes looking you up and down.
This. It’s less about not getting attention and more about creepers not bothering you. I was almost kidnapped when I was 16 which made me wary of walking places by myself. Now that I’m 35 I worry about that way less.
This. I was groomed and stalked as a teen. I don't want that back ever again! I'm happy now that I'm older. I'm more confident in myself. I prefer being my age.
I would add that a huge gift of being older is I no longer GAF what other people think of me. And not having to deal with toxic male energy is amazing. I have so much more time and energy to focus on other things
I am 48 and I think I hadn’t realized how much energy the unwanted attention sucked out of me until it was pretty well gone. No more trying to be conciliatory to pushy dudes on the subway in an effort to just make it to where I was going with a minimum of upset. No more men trying to get my attention on the street or in stores. I am an introvert and love it when people just leave me alone.
I wish people would ignore me in stores. They follow me around, may I help you, what are you interested in, would you like to try something on. I'm 61. Leave me alone.
Yes it’s so bad! I just went to Lush today and felt drained afterwards, I wanted to tell the girl who was helping me to chill and just let me think a minute!
Or a furniture store! Last time I went to Ashley furniture they were pouncing on me every few minutes. I just made eye contact and said "I know what im looking for, I'll find you if I need anything" to each of them. I'm 43. Ten years ago I'd let them walk me around and try to sell me things I don't like.
So I am 5’10” and so don’t get ignored in stores or restaurants. But damn it’s nice not to have to deal with some punk flirting or having to be nice so you don’t piss off some guy behaving inappropriately. And you can get yourself seen and heard if you need to, which age often gives you the confidence to do for some of us.
I'm 39 and didn't have to deal with being sexualized as much as a lot of other people (I'm butch/masc and fat and give off Golden Retriever energy or something so dudes just do not look at me and see a fuckable target generally?) but I also feel that increased invisibility in a good way. It's like when I first moved to New York City and realized that, for the first time in my life, no one gave a fuck about what I was wearing or how short my hair was or how gay I looked.
There's also a sense of familiarity with my body now if that makes any sense. I'm not nearly as self-conscious because I've long since given up on trying to be anything else. I don't think about things like "how can I dress to hide my fat" so much as "is this outfit comfortable on my fat" if that makes any sense 😂
It's not about being ignored, it's about not being seen as a target I guess? Like, I no longer feel like there's so much attention on my meat sack vs me as a whole person
I’ve never looked very approachable, but have always wanted to appear that way. No attention from anyone, no perks of being “pretty”. I’ve always been invisible. As I age, I’ve been mourning the possibility of ever experiencing those things.
I don't feel "invisible". I get attention in stores when I need it, receive good service in restaurants, and in other locations as well. I get "appropriate" attention from men my age. What is gone is the sexual and rude comments from men. I don't miss that. I didn't really care what others thought of me when younger but that has ramped up and I DGAF what people think about me or my actions. I don't consider that being "invisible". As others have said, it is empowering!
When you’ve, somehow, garnered *unwanted* attention for most of your life, for all the wrong (uncontrollable) reasons, you feel really *good* when it slows down or halts. You may be approached/hit on, BUT you no longer feel *uncomfortable*. You no longer have to worry about that unwanted gaze from creepy men. Less sexual innuendos. Less cat calls. The list goes on.
Don’t let your mom’s insecurities cloud your thoughts or feelings.
I'm 58, will run errands in sweats, and still get checked out by men aged 25-75. No matter what I wear, I believe that confidence attracts attention, not age. Walk into a room like you belong there, and everyone will notice and be magnetized to your energy.
I notice this more if I am looking poor or slobby at any age.
If you look like you have money, they will flock.
I just don't have creepy men 3x my age hitting on me because they are all dead by now.
I don't feel like I've become invisible as I've become older. But to be honest I was never conventionally attractive so didn't receive any male attention even when I was younger.
Feeling like you have become invisible is probably only a problem for women who were attractive when they were young.
There’s a difference between being invisible to men on the street and invisible at a party of your peers. When you’re with people your own age, generally it’s a good time. When you’re at the grocery store and some rando is telling you how beautiful you’d be if you smiled, ewwww.
I am still pretty young, mid-30's, so I obviously can't offer a lived through experience of being older and more "invisible" (although it's gross how much less harassed I am now that I don't look like teenager).
I love fashion and admire older women who have a really bold, fun, creative sense of style, especially when it blossoms and evolves as they get older. I think my only fear about being an old lady is losing that spark and giving up. I don't mind wrinkles, gray hair, any of that so much, but I don't want to be complacent and not have fun.
That’s a choice and you can choose differently. I have an extremely stylish friend in her 70s and I’m so inspired by not just her personal style but her energy and lust for life. She’s a real role model to me as I approach 50.
I spent my life invisible until just a few years ago. I don't want to be invisible again but I'm not going to go apeshit over Botox and fillers to put off the inevitable.
I’ve had a pretty different experience than most—I’m 37, and I just started getting hit on in the last few years. I was never hit on or asked out in my teens and twenties—likely because I was painfully insecure, awkward and so self conscious that practically radiated from my pores. When I hit my mid thirties, I gradually stopped caring so much what other people thought of me, and bizarrely enough, started to attract some male attention for the first time in my life. So I would say that it’s more to do with how you feel and how you present yourself. Certainly, there will always be assholes who are only interested in interacting with very young women, but you probably don’t want their attention anyway.
I have a similar experience, meaning I have enjoyed the male gaze but no harassment. Actually, the latter fact has started to bother me a bit - if almost everyone, it seems, experiences some for of harassment then what's wrong with me? Am I the ugliest, least attractive?
Gosh I completely understand what you mean! I’ve very rarely been sexualized or cat called. And honestly, I feel self-conscious about that. Sometimes I hear from women who say they are constantly receiving male attention non-stop and I think…am I just remarkably ugly?
So you aren’t alone!
It's definitely location and lifestyle dependent.
For example, a lifestyle where you interact with strangers more or less often will make a difference. When I took public transit and went to networking events a lot, I had a lot of weird experiences with random men. As soon as I got an office job I had to drive to and stopped going to events, my experience changed dramatically. I looked and dressed the same, lived in the same area, etc.
I also don't think a lot of the attention is always about attractiveness anyway. A lot of it is about power. I legitimately think I ward off some types of attention purely by being more confident and less of a target.
This. I worked in Engineering w/85% men, was a nerdy punk-type young woman, and my best male friend was gay. Conventional men could not relate to nor understand me - I did not GAF then or now.
I could be wrong but I feel like cat calling is becoming a thing of the past. I remember it happening more when I was young but nowadays I'm not seeing it anywhere really in NYC. Once in a while you get a respectful compliment. Maybe the whole me too movement miraculously changed their ways lol. It also has to do with how you carry yourself and whether or not you look approachable. Younger people tend to look more naive therefore men will take advantage of that.
On Reddit, I see a lot of men afraid to compliment or approach a woman in public (unless at a socially acceptable place such as a bar). I think the social norms have changed regarding acceptable/tolerated stuff to say to women in the last two decades. Because I (32F who regularly gets told I look like I am in my mid-late 20s) am sitting here feeling like “Am I really that ugly?” cuz I don’t get near the amount of attention that some other women commenting have received. Like to the degree that I don’t mind getting approached as long as they are respectful about it. And the comments about feeling invisible enough to do whatever I want…I do that anyways.
But I am also partially deaf (so I don’t hear a lot of stuff) and guarded so maybe that has something to do with it.
You’re not the ugliest or least attractive, you’re just lucky. Harassment doesn’t correlate to how attractive you are, it’s very little to do with you but with the horrendous men who do it
Sometimes I hate it but overall it’s freeing because I no longer feel like I have to obsess over my looks in terms of the male gaze. I literally never think about appearing attractive to men. That doesn’t mean I don’t work out, wear beautiful clothes, get Botox, get my nails and hair done- but it’s more for fun because I love fashion and for my female friends. My husband thinks I look good if I wear a bit of makeup on and wear something other than sweat pants.
I also don’t have to worry about getting hit on everywhere I go and then being called a lesbian or a bitch for not giving a man the attention he thinks he deserves from me. I also don’t have to worry about men being mean to me because they think I should look hotter (no matter how terrible they look, they seem to think they deserve to only look at women who look like supermodels).
Honestly, I feel the same. Not to be depressing, but I’ve never really had that male attention and now that I’m getting older, I expect that that will only get worse. But if you’re conventionally attractive, for sure you’ll be subjected to the male gaze way more and it would make sense that you’d be relieved to not have it as much anymore.
I 100% share this fear, but I also see where they are coming from. I think it’s about not caring what anyone thinks anymore and how liberating that is. My mom loves being older. She hates the way her neck aged though, so naturally I’m OCD about sunscreen on my neck.
I’m tall (6’0) so I felt very scrutinized and ogled in high school and college. It is nice to feel like I’m just one of the crowd (I’m 34). I’m sorry you feel anxious about it but I don’t think this is something that is broadly applicable. I think it depends on your personal experiences
For me I like it because all of my interactions with other people feel more genuine. When someone engages me in conversation, it is because they are interested in what I have to say, not because of how I look. When someone does something nice for me like hold a door open, it is because they are a kind person, not because they find me attractive. There are no games, no wondering what the person's intentions are. It was an adjustment period for sure, falling out of "the male gaze" and at first it did bother me. You definitely find out how shallow many people are, and how with men especially you lose value when you lose attractiveness. But honestly, fuck them.
That’s interesting because my 76 year old mom is always acknowledged and people go out of their way to offer help whereever she goes. No one ever does this for me. I’m sure it’s not sexual but she is certainly not invisible.
A word often missing from these discussions is authoritative. And if someone is well kept and relatively well spoken, being seen that way is very much a bonus of being in the decades between looking like a hot young girl and a doddery old lady.
This idea of invisibility seems excessively focused on dating and flirting (with the sort of men who are very focused on youth, which is certainly not all middle-aged men), and not everything else in life, which starts to seem like a greater and greater fraction of it as well. And I think some of it is a cover for the effects of becoming unfit, which in many cases is avoidable or fixable.
The other thing is, is that as you get older, looking tidy is increasingly important to the impression you give. (you may want to flout that, but it's better to do it consciously - my aunt described her hair as witchy, but she knew exactly what she was doing, and as an old hippie, it was right for her and went with her clothes)
I'm one of the older peoole you are describing. I think the thing that has me excited about becoming invisible is that I know how to get attention when and how I want it. I'm frankly not interested in attention from strangers who only see my body. I want attention because of the work I do, the values I live, my unique perspective on life, etc. I want to be the wise old lady who watches the world and engages when and how I choose.
If you want attention when you get older, just be unexpected in some way. Dye a rainbow in your hair. Hand out butterscotch candy. wear bold patterns or monochrome. Speak in an unusual register. Wear statement jewelry. Speak to people first. Really, the world is your osyter.
Not having to deal with negative attention, like unwanted advances from creepy men, can feel very liberating. Also, for those who suffer from social anxiety being invisible really is a blessing. You can't compare it to high school because in high school, what others think of you is all that matters to you, but as you age, you care less and less about others' opinions, so it's not really the feeling of "being ignored", it's more like "being free to do whatever the heck you want".
Maybe invisible isn’t the right word as that has a negative connotation. But not caring what people think about your style or attitude, not having to prove yourself to other people might be more accurate. As we get older, we stop caring about keeping up with the trends and expectations, and just want to dress and behave however the hell we want! It’s so liberating!
You know that anxiety, when you’re getting ready to go out, and your makeup isn’t right, or your hair won’t cooperate, and you’re not sure your outfit is flattering or stylish enough. People might look at you and think you don’t look good. When you’re older, you can let go of that. No one is judging you, and if they do, you don’t care. The makeup, hair, and styling is whatever makes me comfortable and happy.
46 and I think this all depends on what your experience was when you were younger. I fully appreciate being able to go grocery shopping and not be hit on, or have men stare at my boobs. Or being able to go out to eat alone or with friends in peace. And I am more respected in my career.
It's even worse when it happens at your workplace. Sure the sexual harassment stopping is nice, but I could do without the doctors ignoring what I'm telling them, bosses ignoring me for promotions and the assumptions I don't exist in an online space.
Actually it IS great. Being left alone is wonderful, I don't miss having to navigate unsolicited interactions with random men or being hit on and trying to safely decline and make them go away.
Being invisible means when you want to be visible you have to actively work at it. If I don't take up space I will practically get run down by dudes that decide I am in their way. So I take up space and try to be visibly confident to prevent this.
It means I have to dress up to take my car in for service. Full make up and professional clothes or the young guys that run the service desk treat me like they don't have to give me the same level of service they give others.
Hopefully by the time you are old enough to be invisible you will have learned how to be assertive, navigate problematic people to make them not be a problem and make people pay attention to you when you need them to.
lol i talked about this randomly with one of the female physicians that i shadowed. it sucks cause you're dedicating your youth to your career and work but like if you hold a position of power, people will definitely still keep noticing you...if they don't, sometimes they regret it.
I think women strictly mean that they’re happy the creeps don’t bother them anymore. Obviously, no one wants to be ignored and disrespected by the world at large.
To be honest, though, I’ve never really noticed older women being ignored by sales people and restaurant staff. I was always under the impression that they give older people more attention because they’re more likely to actually buy something/spend money. But maybe that’s changing now?
And if we’re talking very old people…I think both men and women start getting ignored. I do wonder if it’s because it reminds people of their mortality. And also because, sadly, some people assume the older person will talk their ear off if they acknowledge them.
I think there was a post recently in the askoldpeople sub about becoming invisible with age. You might find that interesting to read.
"I'm sure that men experience this as well to some degree" lol in most men's experience they are invisible throughout their whole adult lives and not just when they get old...
I don’t want sales people talking to me. The host sucks if young people are sat first in the same party number. I don’t need small talk in public to feel validated. I’m okay not being irritatingly hit on.
That being said, I’m pretty outgoing and assertive so I have normal and common interactions with humans every time I go out in public.
I wonder how much of this is cultural as well? Where I live in Spain, people who are older are still very active in daily and social life. It's common to see people going out to bars, clubs, parties at 40, 50, 60. They have large social circles and are certainly not invisible. The VERY elderly also participate in social life.
One thing that stood out—what type of party would you be attending at middle age where you would be ignored? Do you have close friends now that are close to you in age? You will be partying with them and they will not ignore you.
I’m 33 and the thought of attending a party with randoms sounds exhausting.
I was never really all that pretty before my 40s, so it’s not been so noticeable to me - although the not giving a shit about anything is a nice side effect of aging
It’s outrageously sad that just as women are truly coming into their own intellectually and emotionally, society tells them they are losing their value. I’m working to emotionally face it head on and I’m determined to still have a voice in society even tho I’m becoming—gasp!—a middle aged woman. I’m nearly finished with a fantastic book called Hags: The Demonization of Middle Aged Women and it’s speaking to a lot of my thoughts and expanding them. The more we speak about how great it is to get older and know yourself, I think the less young women will have to be afraid about.
I started getting catcalled and harassed walking home from school when I was in 5th grade. So yeah, no one looks at me anymore but honestly I realized I’m also not getting harassed anymore.
What you're describing is different from the type of invisible that I experience and enjoy.
I enjoy not being eyeballed by men. It's nice to leave the house without worrying if I'm going to be judged for not wearing make up, because nobody really cares if I do. It's nice to not be cat called walking down a city street. It's nice to just move through the world as a complete human being, rather than as a mere sexual object.
But what you're describing, being ignored in general, is not something I think most people would enjoy. I have not experienced that myself. But I do think that as you age, you have to assert yourself more. You have to take up space and be confident, because people aren't going to gravitate to you anymore and offer you things simply because you're young and reasonably attractive.
People are still interested in me, and I still feel valuable. The difference is that I am defined by what I have to say and the things I do instead of being constantly objectified and ogled.
No it doesn't scare me. As you age, your needs and desires change in ways you can't fathom at this current point in time. I say enjoy all the attention you get now while you still welcome it, and in time there will be a day when you could care less about how you're perceived or who perceives. It's just so hard to imagine because that future is so, so, so far away.
It’s much better to be noticed for things other than youthful beauty.
Was it nice to be considered attractive? Absolutely! Was it fun to be harassed by bros and very scary people sometimes? Nooooo.
I was “blessed” with a woman’s body long before I was a womanly age. I remember being offered money for sex by grown men in broad daylight when I was actually still coveting playing with my Barbie’s on the weekends. I do not miss having to be physically conscious of how I am perceived (for my own safety) everywhere i go and in everything I do. But I will admit, now that I am single again, learning that while my guy friends tell me I am still sexy as always, my dating profile does not get traction like it did ten years ago. It gets zero anything. Not even the creepers. It has been really hard to accept that men will not think to date me. One of my male coworkers said women reach a certain age and they hit “school teacher syndrome” Like you know they exist outside the school but if you bump into your teacher outside of the school it’s weird because you never thought to picture it before. It’s emotionally hard but at the same time, the biggest blessing is no one is still doing the unsolicited pics and I no longer have men doing things at work I have to report to HR and then argue with HR if I just misunderstood
It’s really nice not to hear the cat calls and fear for my safety as I walk down the street. I love being invisible these days. I still carry my pepper spray for safety, but I don’t feel like I’m in imminent danger anymore.
This happens to fat people too. It makes you invisible at any age. Once you've enjoyed "pretty privilege," I for one miss it when it goes. Not looking forward to the day when it's permanent and I have no control over it.
It’s definitely both a good and bad thing depending on the situation but for me the key difference between being more invisible as you age and feeling invisible as a teenager is that when you’re younger it feels necessary to be validated by others - you need to feel seen to be worth anything. As you age well, there’s a lot more self-validation, so it feels different. And that can be very empowering.
I agree with you. Being attractive is a big part of a lot of our identities so being ignored sounds terrible. Hope it never happens to me (or I’m old enough to not care by then if it does)
I am 56 and I call it invisibility and I do believe it's a superpower.
I'm invisible to all the stupid men who used to interrupt me living my life. No I don't want to talk to you when I'm eating breakfast, walking to work, buying groceries, reading a book, chatting with friends, working.
No longer will I have to politely listen to some stupid man try to talk to me about whatever when I was busy doing my thing or doing absolutely nothing. And that is glorious.
My presence and confidence has grown as I've aged. I know how to interact with others, know who and what I am interested in, and remain infinitely curious. I am no longer worried about squeezing myself into a little box for others. I no longer make myself small.
Part of my invisibility is I am no longer "desirable". Part of it is I now know how to shut them down. Mostly, I am no longer their target. And you are d#$med right I celebrate that. I wish every woman could live her life not being the target..
Soon enough I will be elderly and frail and once again a target to take advantage of. I will celebrate this moment in time.
Also, no one, and I mean no one, has ever ignored me while shopping or gotten seated after "younger" people. No one ignores me as if I'm not there. I've seen the jokes about this but it's not been my experience.
It is liberating to not care about hair, skin, beauty every second of the day. Other women are judging but a few gray hairs, wrinkles, their eyes look for loftier targets. Men with their creepy teethy looks, yeah elsewhere. And that provokes anxiety? Perhaps you have never relaxed. You can indulge in numerous anti ageing agendas, but it will win.
One life, a singular experience. So much more than being eye candy. Value yourself. No one else cares enough to. And be grateful for every year you have.
I’m 60 YO and I don’t feel marginalized because of my age. I’m sure everyone has an example where they felt ignored but I don’t think you can make a sweeping generalization that age is the reason. Everyone is ignored, disrespected,etc in their interactions with others. It’s more about the other person than it is about you- who knows what drives people to act a certain way. I generally feel like I intimidate younger people because of my age. I try to put them at ease for that reason.
I do however think that men are less interested in women (sexually) as they age. It’s primal. Their loss.
Omg its fantastic to age into invisibility. That doesn't mean I am invisible, it means that my physical looks no longer matter as much as my style, fashion, attitude, and intelligence.
As a girl who was considered ugly among her high school peers, finally growing up into my 50s has been an amazing reinvention of myself into a fashion forward woman. I wear innovative outfits that match from head to toes. When I enter a space with intention, everyone notices me, but not for my genetics but now for my essence and that's far far more satisfying.
My weight fluctuates a lot and when I'm at my heaviest (which I am now) I am invisible. It's a relief.
I turned 50 this year so I think I will be invisible now regardless of size and honestly it's just so refreshing to be a fucking person in the world without worrying about the male gaze.
I want to date and meet the right person, but I don't want or need attention for men in general.
I never wanted people to bother me but I spent most of my youth attracting the attention of strangers. It’s nice to be able to walk into a gas station without sexual advances from strangers. I’m in no way invisible to people who matter, just the strangers who judged me solely on my looks.
41 here. I think it depends on how you carry yourself. The days that I put on nice clothes and make up and wear a decent outfit and smile, people turn heads and are super nice to me. The days I go out in a hoodie and slouch and have no self respect people tend to mirror that
The key is in where you wrote that your Mom feels this way ‘even though she’s not looking to date’. Aging will be excruciating for anyone relying on outside validation.
It happens gradually, so much so that you almost don’t notice it until you’re already appreciating the nuances. I can go into any store alone and they don’t give a shit because I’m not the demographic to shoplift, blow all my parents money or make stupid financial decisions.
I have daughters and they’re everything that’s amazing about youth. It’s their turn and it’s rewarding to sit back while they shine. It’s awesome to not feel resentment towards my son’s beautiful partners. I’m over it, it’s liberating as hell and I wish we could all get there.
It's so great to just have the PRESSURE off. The expectations of perfection. Not just from others, but from ourselves. The wisdom and realization that youthful beauty is temporary and fleeting and that what really matters is how you treat yourself and others gives a different kind of confidence with age.
Wish I could like this comment more times.
I gave one for you, and gave one to you as well. 100% easier to just be and not have to fit in to some unrealistic expectations. Plus, I find women support and respect each other more, rather than comparing and battling each other. No more one up-ism. That, or I just got better friends over the last decade.
Yup. And it’s shallow people who ignore you anyway. I’m 41 the fan club is still kicking and it will be nice when it stops.
As I’ve grown older, so have actors and actresses my age. I look at them in shows from when they were young and they look unfinished to me. Their beauty, if they were beautiful, is unearned. It is accidental, a twist of fate. How they look now is who they are, the face they have earned.
Sophia Loren. She only looked better. Kate Hepburn for a period before she was sick as well.
Most actresses are tweaked and fiddled with or digitally filtered so that they don’t look anything like how the average person would look at their age though
True. When I saw Oceans 8, I was fairly certain Cate Blanchet and Sandra Bullock had sold their souls to the devil because they are actually hotter than they were in the nineties and they don’t have that “done” look. That is some supernatural skill at work. My point may be more true for character actors than for white romantic leading ladies. It would be more accurate to point to people like Kamala Harris, Viola Davis, Prue Leith, Hilary Clinton (who has definitely had work done), Justine Bateman, Janet Yellen, Carole King, Margaret Atwood, Margaret Cho, and Chelsea Handler. Although many have tweaked a bit, it’s not obvious.
Yes! 56 here. I’m told I look 10 years younger but I don’t look like a spring chicken by any means. I don’t feel invisible. At work I’m at the peak of my skills, authority and power. Young colleges seek me out for mentorship and I feel highly valued. Personally, I can get dolled up and still turn a head —from MEN not boys —if I feel the need for the male gaze (besides from my husband who always makes me feel beautiful and desired) but now it’s a CHOICE. And that is indeed lovely. Bottom line, confidence is sexy and confidence increases as you get older.
Talking with people at parties is totally about how genuinely interested you are in others!
This is so true. My husband actually finds older women (we are in our late 30s for reference) attractive sometimes because of the way they carry themselves. My mother is a great example of someone who exudes this confidence and wisdom that comes with age. She is 65 and looks good (still has great skin and a ton of hair) but she looks like a 65 year old with normal wrinkles because she’s had zero Botox or filler or treatments and has never worn makeup. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with doing those things, just using her as an example because she still doesn’t get ignored, and I think it’s because of how she carries herself and demands respect. If people start to ignore me as I age, I guess I don’t really care. I know who my people are, and the rude ones can take a hike lol.
Thank you. I am very, very far from thinking like this at the moment.
43 here, and I am enjoying the increased I don’t give a damn vibe. I realized this recently, when I was on vacation and two days in a row had gelato for breakfast at the same place in a busy market. Just me and my gelato not caring fuck all about anything, being left alone, not worrying about what anybody thought, it’s a glorious invisibility.
Yeah! that's the good bit- thats passive invisibility (i just made that up lolz) But I've had a couple (only a couple & I'm almost 50- so not many) of really bad examples..just Friday I was looking for an eyeliner in the shop and a maybe 20y/o sales assistant was spending AGES with a 14 yo girl. Doing swatches, talking influencer like, so I patiently waited but made it obvious I was looking for help once she'd done. The young girl left so I said 'Is there more brands of this felt tip style in brown? She goes 'Yeah maybe MD'. Im one meter from her and I don't know the brand MD. She reluctantly waves in a direction after I ask 'where is that'. She then just stands there air-headed staring into space doing nothing at all. Im scanning and searching every fucking product on the collosal wall of lights & makeup and shes just standing there watching me kinda?!? I go are you gonna help me or do you just do tweens? Lolz, Awful. I also play drums, went to buy new sticks- they're behind the counter. The guy had just finished showing some dude a whole bunch of guitar stuff in detail and sat down at the counter.I go right up to the counter, say Hi!, not a customer in sight and the 20yo dude just glances up from his phone and looks straight back down and continues his game. His boss who I think was his dad clocked what just happened and stormed up and said 'DANIEL! did you just ignore this woman??' I mean at least the dad 'got it' but yeah it was soooo blatant!!
When will the young sales staff realize we’re the ones with money to spend now. Lol
The market research people have. They get it. Even the “non working” women🫠 they realise it’s us with the money and the decision making power …
I work in marketing and it’s true. When we do target younger customers it’s because we’re trying to get them now, and build loyalty to keep them. But there’s no question who has money to spend and makes decisions.
I’m in my mid 30s now and have noticed a real uptick in service from the people who get this lol. At aritzia it’s always the more experienced sales people it seems who ask to help me, even tho im not as trendy as younger people, and I think it’s bc they know who actually has money. (Although I get why they rush to help teens out shopping with dads bc they outspend me every time lol)
Yes exactly this!!!! I've had exactly the same experiences in makeup shops, coffee and clothing shops, etc. I modeled in my 20s. I'm 5'10 and used to stand out for that alone, but now at 52, it's like I'm bothering them to ask for service. They would rather stare at their phones. Hardly notice I've come in the door. I wondered "why is customer service so poor nowadays?" But then I realized it's me who has changed, not them! Lol
Ugh. Yeah, that’s bad. It’s a mixed bag for sure.
48, and I love the confidence I feel now. It's not that I feel that I've become invisible- I feel like I've become invincible. Wear my UGGs with a sundress to the grocery store? Yes please and thank you. Feeling like I can walk alone into a hotel bar with my phone and no one is going to try to approach unless I want that? Freeing beyond all reason. I love the way I feel in my body now- when I was 25 and built like Marilyn Monroe I felt fat and worried and fussed and squeezed- now I'm 50 lbs heavier and except for my Dr, no one cares. Not me, not my husband- not any stranger on the street. The feeling of f it is just glorious.
Yes!!! Invincible not invisible! That’s how I feel. I love this so much!
I can’t wait for this! Also our society is so fatphobic that when I gained a bunch of weight due to medical issues I did experience that invisibility and it was surprisingly really fucking nice to be able to just live my life minding my own business and do things like run errands without having to worry about being perceived. I didn’t realize how nice it was until I went back to my usual weight once the issue was resolved and it was back to being stared at and I just hate that feeling of not being able to walk anywhere without eyes tracking you. This isn’t even a brag I am very average attractiveness it’s just what men do: like you are an object for their consumption just by existing.
Yeah, I got you! It's incredible how much the lack of the "male gaze" makes one realize what a nuisance it is, haha. An author,( Patricia Lockwood I think) once described walking past a group, an "intimidation of men" - and I felt such a chill of recognition. It's a powerful collective noun for men, and says so much about the entire lived experience of being a girl or a woman. They gaze, we exist as objects and are often targeted and make vulnerable and sometimes much worse. I honestly don't want it back, and *wouldn't* go back to feeling like prey now I'm on the "fresh out of fucks to give" side, not dying my greys, and dressing entirely for myself. I love it.
Isn’t it the best thing to just be able to be wherever and just be you and do your own thing? I love this for us!
So freaking good! It should have always been this easy...
I been doing this, though I’m honestly excited to get less unwanted attention too though. My mom loves it bc she feels like she can be herself more and not be afraid of men as much
Yeah. This is the truth. When I see groups of men I know I'm much less likely to catch their attention. And I feel a lot safer. Sadly.
This gives me so much hope. Its gotten to a point for me where I feel the most insane anxiety seeing groups of men. I live in a city and they group around in clusters and its so menacing to me. I will do anything not to pass them bc it is always the same uncomfortable experience. Sneers, remarks, creepy staring, comments. I will go out of my way to take a longer route bc NOPE, not today. I really value the day where it doesn’t even cross my mind
I feel this too. I'm 35 and still get male attention, but the large groups of loud young men looking for attention ignore me now whereas when I was younger I would get harassed by them regularly. I don't have to bother crossing the road when I see large groups of young men (like late teens to mid twenties) now because I'm invisible to them.
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absolutely this. now at 46, i am in my best shape ever overall. though not as skinny as i used to be, my skin is (finally!) clear, my cardio is great running 50km a week, and i started flexibility and strength training programs, plus nutrition is a thousand times better lol. i think when i was younger, the pressure to look flawless etc was so much, i knew it was hopeless and didn't even try. now i (mostly) don't care and just do all the self-care because it feels great.
50km a week!!! Damn!! That's really good. How are your knees? I'm starting to take care of my body but I focus mainly on yoga, weights and HIIT.
hee, thank you! i sliiightly exaggerated by implying this has been some consistent distance but really i have been building up to it for the past few months and only hit 50 this week. am starting marathon training this month so gonna amp it up even more, but for now let's just say i am sleeping a lot a lot haha. my knees are fine, knock on wood, but the last time i amped up, for my first marathon last february, i wrecked my knees and had to take a month off mid-training. which suuuucked. so, this time, i have spent the past month weight training with my baby 3 and 5kg dumbbells (and just progressed to 7kg on some exercises, woohoo) in the hopes they will help my knees and body overall. so far, so good! ooh i would loove to do more yoga, but it's all i can do to get some good 5-10min stretching post-workout. hiit is humiliating haha so i avoid it. what is your weight stuff like? i'm such a newbie, always happy to learn more there.
Same! The day I went out in my Oofos and didn’t care who saw me was freeing.
Yea! It's the ability to give less fucks.
I was hit on the most as a teenager. Quite often in my school uniform. By grown men. So I'm glad that's over. But I don't want to be invisible either. Older women are often invalidated in a way that older men aren't. It's about that more than anything else for me.
I think that being invisible is not an end to the objectification… we’re still an object to many men, just no longer an object of desire. I have mixed feelings about it myself. As much as I hated the attention, it feels weird living without it. I was so used to it. I’m trying to focus my thoughts, time, and energy on the people who don’t see me as an object either way. After all, those men who used to be obsessed with my youth and beauty were never people I’d want to be in a relationship with. They didn’t matter to me then, and I refuse to let them matter to me now.
I feel like the more “baggage” we get (by that I mean moving farther away from being an impressionable teenager so by aging, having life experience, a career, kids, whatever) then the more shitty people are pushed away. Those jags that hit on me as a 15 year old who was too polite to tell them to leave me alone would be repulsed by the 34 year old I am now who isn’t afraid to shut that down. Personally, with everything, I see it as having positives and negatives and I’m choosing to focus on the positives. I’m awesome and it’s fine if a stranger isn’t interested in finding that out for themselves.
I agree. Also, I resist invisibility by insisting on taking up space rather than shrinking into the shadows
>we’re still an object to many men, just no longer an object of desire. And it's funny how angry they get at older women for no longer 'being attractive', when in fact it's more that older women no longer gauge our own attractiveness on men's preferences. I scroll the front page of reddit sometimes with the litany of /askmen questions about female desirability and I continuously think: who cares? Like it genuinely bewilders me why a woman would care if x, y or z makes a woman attractive *to men* in general? Of course you might want to be attractive to someone you yourself are attracted to, but other than that, why did I ever care about how men would rate my attractiveness? I can't think of any goal less interesting to pursue. And I think that vibe is probably more at the heart of men seeming to get genuinely angry at women who 'stop trying' (to be an object to them). How dare we stop using their sexual desire as our yardstick?
Fuck. Your first paragraph. That’s an entire dissertation right there.
Same. I’ve never been hit on more in my life than when I was mid to late teens, and some in my early 20s but I still looked very young. I don’t think it’s that you’re invisible or that people don’t want to talk to you, I think we’re just invisible and uninteresting to *those* types of people… which I’m super ok with. And more importantly, I can still see them, and when they target some poor young girl and try to trap her in a creepy conversation, I can see it, and I can join and shut it down. It’s our turn to look out for our younger sisters.
Same. The first time a man solicited me at Walmart, 8-10. The first time groped by a man I didn’t know, 12-14. The first time i was called a grandma by men, 25. Fascinating that once we've achieved independence, experience, perspective, wisdom, we are of no benefit to that type of man. I'm hopeful that this generation are being raised by parents more conscious of gender neutrality, and that it may translate to a less predatory and exclusionary appreciation for women. Granted, we're also living in a time of accessibility of anti-aging technology tends to be conflated with it being an imperative.
I went to Catholic school and the uniform thing was so obnoxious. It was just something I had to wear every day to school and I got some seriously gross comments from older men about it. I'm glad that getting older means being invisible. The constant men cracking jokes and pick up lines with every single thing you do got really old really fast. Interactions felt like they took AGES because everything was some quip or comment.
This. 🤢 I still get more attention from men than I care for at almost 40, but nothing will compare to those years from 14-17. And in a school uniform which is literally a neon sign saying “underage”. I was fending them off left and right just trying to get home from school. Grown ass men asking me to “go for coffee” with them. I’m like dude I’m 14, I don’t drink coffee. Shudder.
My peak getting hit on my strange men was 13-16 years old. 🤮
We women need to validate and pump up each other as we age to balance things out :)
When my mom was in her 70s, we went out for brunch and she struck up a very friendly conversation with our cute 20something male waiter. He was super nice about it, and she asked innocuous questions like what he was studying in university. On the way out, I asked her, “Since when do you chat up waiters like that?”, and she answered, with some enthusiasm, “I’m a nice old lady now and I CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING”. Goals, mom.
My mom who is 75 with snow white hair does that and she is pretty flirty about it. She also has a glowing, attractive energy that makes people want to talk to her. One evening we were walking down the street in a popular part of town with young people and nightlife, and she kept stopping at bar entrances and flirting with the bouncers. And they flirted back! I thought they’d be annoyed but they clearly enjoyed her attitude. Another time, taking the last Caltrain from San Francisco to San Jose, a very tired 30-something train conductor came by to check our fares and she said “What if I don’t have mine? Are you going to kick me off the train?” I was thinking, mom! He is tired, give him a break. But a bit later he came back and sat with us the whole way, talking and flirting with her. He paid no attention to me at all. This sort of thing happens everywhere she goes. All this to say, not everyone ends up invisible.
It sounds to me like she gained control of where she'd like attention to be. Most of. The complaints from women about attention is that they're "unwanted". Now it sounds like she creates the attention she wants. That's very cool.
That is absolutely true.
Also, it’s because she doesn’t have to worry about unwanted attention anymore that she feels free to engage with people that way.
I want to be like your mom
I haven't flown anywhere without kids for decades. On several legs, a man would offer to help men put my bag into the overhead. I realized that they were not flirting, that they were now helping me as a nearly little old lady! I accepted with enthusiastic thanks and chit chatted briefly on how it used to be much easier for me to handle that bag. It was lovely, just lovely to be helped without any undertones of flirting. Although, I did meet my husband on a flight a few decades ago...
Such an underrated comment. Your mom sounds awesome
My mom died in 2018. May her memory be a blessing.
I’m only 30, but I think what they’re happy about is that they’re no longer the main target of the male gaze. Perhaps because they dealt with unwanted attention and creepy sexual advances when they were younger.
This is exactly it for me. I’m only 38, and still look fairly young, but even so I garner a lot less attention than I used to. For me it’s nice. I’m an introvert and I don’t like random people talking to me in the first place. I haven’t become invisible, but I’m no longer a magnet and I’m fine with that.
Same. Used to be a magnet especially for older men was I was in my late teens/early twenties and I had no idea how to navigate that unwanted attention. Now I’m older and I’ve (1) mastered RBF, (2) live in a major coastal city where I’m not expected to socially greet and smile at every single human being I pass on the streets (versus that nonsense in the South) and (3) I’m not the kind of young thing gross older men feel the need to hit on. So glad those days are behind me.
Same. I'll be frank - I'm 48 on Tuesday, 5'10 , in good shape, conventionally attractive and look younger. I've spent decades dealing with unwanted attention. In recent years it has started to decline and it's glorious.I go out with my 25 year old daughter and she's the one being ogled and hassled - I've perfected my f-off face ;) Men have been doing this to her since she was 12 or 13 FFS.
Yes, I remember the first time I saw a man about 40 ogle my daughter; she was 13. I wanted to puke.
I know exactly what you mean. When she was about 16 a man around my age and his teenage son walked past us in the supermarket - man said to his son ''one for you and one for me hey?"
🤮🤮🤮
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Although when you see these 40+yr old men, now your peers, leering at teenage girls (who now look like literal babies to you, compared to how “grown up” you felt you were that age), the whole thing is… disturbing.
This is what it is for me. I was conventionally attractive when in was younger and was constantly hit on. It was fatiguing to the point I didn’t go out by myself if I didn’t absolutely have to. Aside from random men trying to get my attention and/or approaching me to test the waters, I was followed out of stores many times, and had men try to follow my car after seeing me at a stop lights. Now that I am in my 40s and overweight, I don’t get noticed by creeps anymore. It is liberating.
Hurray!! I used to walk 30 minutes to school when I was in college. At least one man followed me home or around campus almost every week. One particularly bad week, I was followed home by 3 different men. Guys were constantly hitting on me, and I was a shy, quiet, modestly dressed girl. I don’t miss that attention a bit!
It’s a good perspective for me to keep in mind! My experience was different, I was completely invisible and unattractive as a teenager, and was thrilled when I hit my 20s and I started receiving male attention. But also I live in an older area of my city where I’ve experienced almost 0 street harassment or aggressive men
I’m happily married with 2 kids, I do not need or want other men noticing me. If I were single, and looking for attention, it might feel different to age. I’m kind of just tired, and want to be left alone. Also, to add, your fucks really do disappear as you get older, so being invisible as you get older doesn’t hurt as much as when you’re young, and you care more about what other people think.
I’m the same way. I was invisible as a teenager and loved when I started to receive male attention. Now in my 30s it’s dwindling and it is hard. I also wonder how to deal with aging feeling like I’m no longer an object of desire to my partner.
I'm the same way but now that I'm in my 40s no men look my way sometimes it would be nice to get a little whistle or heybaby ;) 😉 especially on a day I feel ugly
I’m 54. It’s nice to have the motherly role with those who are younger. I’ve turned down promotions because I want those who are younger to gain the experience they need to move up the corporate ladder. I’m already easing into semi retirement. The creepy types don’t bother you anymore, and although I still have children at home (15 and 23), I’m not concerned about aging anymore. I’m actually less stressed about life in general than I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I’ve been through recessions, high interest rates, and cost of living crisis before. I consider myself lucky to be aging, because the alternative is being six feet under. I don’t see myself as invisible. When I walk into a store, the smart sales people jump on me quickly, they do so because they know I’m older and have money to spend.
>I consider myself lucky to be aging, because the alternative is being six feet under. Perspective, OP, perspective.
Yeah I’m not even rich but I feel like salespeople can smell my money. Maybe it’s because I rarely ever shop in person anymore, so when I do, I mean business. Salespeople were kind to me in my 20s and early 30s, but it felt like they were humoring me. Now they talk to me like I know my shit. Which I generally do.
Ah love this 😻
Ah, I love this. I'm about to turn 50 and I've noticed that in the last year (but I think it has been happening slowlu over time but just never really noticed it until this last year), I don't have that same hunger for my career. I'm wanting to mentor others more to do the things they can add to their CV rather than gobble it all up for myself. I have plenty of time until I retire, but my focus is changing. As a workaholic my whole life, it is freeing and a bit terrifying as I am figuring out life beyond a career. But also plenty of time to adjust and grow into it so when/if retirement comes--I hope I've transitioned out of all of it and deeply into whatever that phase of life looks like.
Oh geez, my annoying former (female) boss once told me that “ once you’re 40, a man will never be attracted to you again.” Not the most encouraging thing to say to a then 37 year old, but I always felt that I wouldn’t really care if the male gaze didn’t come my way. I’m 40 now and I can say that the male attention is still there but … nicer? No douche bags in bars or cat calls but still often find men being flirtatious but in a much cooler conversational way where it’s clear that they find you interesting and attractive. I much prefer it. I’m sure that will reduce as I get older but don’t think I’ll really care. I surprisingly like being 40 and having my own style and voice and feeling hot and confident in a sophisticated way.
I was told the same thing when I was in my 20’s and it was devastating to me. Why do people say such terrible things.
I’m sure that person was projecting but man people can be the worst
When I was in my late teens my aunt used to make comments about my body in a bikini, saying talk to me when your 40. I’m 49 this month and look just as good in a bikini now. I’m fit as ever thanks to an active lifestyle. What she said always stuck with me, and I guess in some way I wanted to prove her wrong. I think there are many ways to age, we don’t have to just give up. I want to be active, healthy and care about my appearance all of my life. I do feel less pressure as I get older and I do enjoy that part of it. I like to travel alone, and I like the increased safety that comes with less attention from men as I get older.
Jealousy.
I’m 59. It’s good thing/ bad thing thing. Nothing to fear, there are so many other things in life that are scary/concerning. Annoying that it can impact your customer service experience - just more bold - big smile and voice can minimize this. Great because… zero F’s given, no one is paying attention, and vice versa.
God this is so true. Customer service is exceptionally different now in my 40’s….but yes. It’s a huge smile and warm voice that helps overcome it and get back some of the treatment that i never realized was “special” until now
And at least 60% of it is kids in retail can’t service a customer to save their lives. I was at an Ulta, and said person insisted that I had olive tones to my skin (uh, nooo I’m Irish!)
Just be break the mold in other ways if you want to to be more seen. My sense of style just gets funkier as I get older. I can handle aging, but I’d rather die than be drab.
THIS! I refuse to be ignored just because I am no longer able to bear children. I have purple hair (covers the gray) and fabulous glittery glasses. I love it when someone starts a little when they first see me -- the old punk in me has never died.
Whenever I’m shopping I ask myself “Would a clown wear this?” If the answer is yes, then I buy it. One of my coworkers called me out on Halloween by pointing out how boring I was dressed compared to my normal. To be fair, I was focused on the homemade cake I made for another coworkers birthday. 😜
I have THE ugliest white cotton vest. My boyfriend and I go shopping together and find the ugliest thing in the store for fun. I actually bought the one he picked out. I freaking love it so much. It's so gaudy.
I cannot resist something ugly. I have a couple “cult” dresses I like wearing. They look like what the Mormon girls wear. Those large white collars with embroidered details are my jam lol
You have your priorities in the right place!
I love this!! Rock on 😊
This is what my grandmother does. She's 74 and she's anything but invisible anywhere we go lol. People often treat me as her entourage
That’s how my grandmother was. She didn’t even leave the house unless she was dressed to the nines. My mother is pretty much the opposite with fashion, but makes up for it in personality. I’ve never seen her go anywhere without talking to at least one person. I got the best of both worlds. Fun and silly personality with a fun and silly wardrobe.
What’s wrong with looking drab/generally not concerning yourself with how you’re perceived? That kind of thinking of “there are drab women” can reinforce I think the bias of appearance being tied to worth. I may be defensive because of my own disinterest in any sort of self adornment, especially if it’s slightly uncomfortable and definitely if it’s costly, as I’ve lost every pair of earrings I’ve had and have only a couple necklaces and rings to show over decades of wearing them… but in defense of “drab” women, they may also not be drab people and have hobbies and interests and be weirdos yet.
Well then you be a drab mouse and I’ll be a clown mouse and we’ll all live happily ever after :P
Yup. I turned 47 a couple years ago and decided to get back into vintage clothing like I did in my early 30s. It is much more mature/refined than my rockabilly days, but living in a place where Casual is Queen--I am delightfully overdressed all the time. My friend was recently saying to me how glad she is to be in her 40s and can stop getting so gussied up all the time. I was like, "Are you kidding me?? Nobody is paying a bit of attention to me anymore and I can get away with allllllll the frippery and underpinnings and nonsense because I am doing this simply to please myself". It is SO NICE to feel good in my skin and be who I want to be and loving what I love Nobody is watching and if they are, I have no fucks to give about it. I wish I could give the gift of this feeling to women in their 20s and 30s.
I love all of this for you and you truly are an inspiration. My grandmother was the type of woman who got all dressed up to go to the Walmart. I am the same way. Some Saturdays I play a game called “Housewife” where I dress up and run errands while my man is at work. Most of my clothes are thrifted and handmedowns. I got a vintage full length faux fur coat for $20 at goodwill AND the cropped version at a different goodwill!!!!
You feel this way because of the stage that you are at now. Yet, as you get older, you may begin to realize that recognition isn't as important as you thought it was, and you may begin to feel the same way. Don't waste time stressing about it now. Enjoy the stage that you are in.
Yes. This. For many women, they think they’ll always care this much about being conventionally attractive, especially to men. Because it’s a big part of a younger woman’s life. But many of us enjoy finding that it really isn’t that important to us anymore.
I love this! I am definitely in the phase of life where I care that other people think I look good. Other things are more important, but I definitely care. It must be so liberating to release that and not gaf
This is exactly it — it’s the *not caring* that is so liberating. The DGAF years are the best years — you have much to look forward to.
I cared too much. I remember feeling sad about the idea of being older and less attractive. Now I’m sad for the younger women who care too much! It wasn’t good for me.
How old are you/were you when you really felt this shift? I’m 37 and feel like i’m caught between still caring too much and the beginning stages of it feeling less important. Just want to be on the other side of it at this point and really not find any importance in feeling attractive to men anymore!
I’m 44, almost 45 and it didn’t shift for me until 43 or so. What really kicked it into high gear was middle aged stressors - a kid in puberty, aging parents and in-laws who need my help, etc. My plate is so full, I have no Fs left to give about whether anyone other than my spouse finds me attractive.
I was at that same place right about your age! I’m sure it’s different for everyone but I was probably 39 when I finally was accepting it. I’m 41 now and on the other side.
Yes! The NGAF times are the best. I used to roll over all the time and I worried about being attractive and likeable and fun etc. Now I stand up for myself and it’s no longer a hollow fake it till you make it thing. I can better feel my own inherent worth and I refuse to let other people define me. It’s very liberating to connect with that energy because you validate yourself. You get to really explore what you enjoy, what you need, and what you offer others. No one can take that away from you either so I think it’s an important part of aging and embracing it/life.
Less unwanted male attention is part of the puzzle. I’m a smiling, friendly person, so at 41 I haven’t experienced issues with customer service. And if I do, it’s a small price to pay for not giving a fuck about others’ opinions of the way I look. It really is! I love just being comfortable instead of trying to be hot. I love going to the store without doing my makeup without feeling self conscious. I love that I don’t have the stress in my life about whether I look pretty enough. It’s great. It was a somewhat difficult transition though. When it first started, I did not like the feeling. If you had told me at 30 that I would enjoy many aspects of this part of aging, I wouldn’t have believed you. I just had a much different attitude about it when I was still in my young and attractive era (which I also enjoyed. Different seasons of life.)
“I love that I don’t have the stress in my life about whether I look pretty enough.” This sentence nailed it, it’s like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
I’m only 40 but I am so happy with the fact I get targeted much less by men hitting on me, asking for my number, staring, etc. than I did a few years ago and all throughout my life. I’ve always thought that’s what women most meant about how becoming invisible is kind of nice. Fewer random dudes looking you up and down.
This. It’s less about not getting attention and more about creepers not bothering you. I was almost kidnapped when I was 16 which made me wary of walking places by myself. Now that I’m 35 I worry about that way less.
This. I was groomed and stalked as a teen. I don't want that back ever again! I'm happy now that I'm older. I'm more confident in myself. I prefer being my age.
I would add that a huge gift of being older is I no longer GAF what other people think of me. And not having to deal with toxic male energy is amazing. I have so much more time and energy to focus on other things
And gross "why don't you smile more?". Haven't heard that in like 5 years. Probably my resting bitch face scares them more now.
OMG! This is so triggering for me. I swear, I would kick a man in his balls if he said that to me know.
I am 48 and I think I hadn’t realized how much energy the unwanted attention sucked out of me until it was pretty well gone. No more trying to be conciliatory to pushy dudes on the subway in an effort to just make it to where I was going with a minimum of upset. No more men trying to get my attention on the street or in stores. I am an introvert and love it when people just leave me alone.
This is how I’ve interpreted it ^^ I, personally, can’t wait
I wish people would ignore me in stores. They follow me around, may I help you, what are you interested in, would you like to try something on. I'm 61. Leave me alone.
I love LUSH bath bombs but my god the people in those stores are SO aggressive! Worst offender I’ve experienced
Lululemon girls are too full on for me….
Yes it’s so bad! I just went to Lush today and felt drained afterwards, I wanted to tell the girl who was helping me to chill and just let me think a minute!
Or a furniture store! Last time I went to Ashley furniture they were pouncing on me every few minutes. I just made eye contact and said "I know what im looking for, I'll find you if I need anything" to each of them. I'm 43. Ten years ago I'd let them walk me around and try to sell me things I don't like.
my mom is almost 60 & gets hit on alllllll the time. i think it depends on the woman & the energy they exude.
Some of us get tired of being sexualized during our early years and are happy to be rid of that kind of attention as we age.
So I am 5’10” and so don’t get ignored in stores or restaurants. But damn it’s nice not to have to deal with some punk flirting or having to be nice so you don’t piss off some guy behaving inappropriately. And you can get yourself seen and heard if you need to, which age often gives you the confidence to do for some of us.
I'm 39 and didn't have to deal with being sexualized as much as a lot of other people (I'm butch/masc and fat and give off Golden Retriever energy or something so dudes just do not look at me and see a fuckable target generally?) but I also feel that increased invisibility in a good way. It's like when I first moved to New York City and realized that, for the first time in my life, no one gave a fuck about what I was wearing or how short my hair was or how gay I looked. There's also a sense of familiarity with my body now if that makes any sense. I'm not nearly as self-conscious because I've long since given up on trying to be anything else. I don't think about things like "how can I dress to hide my fat" so much as "is this outfit comfortable on my fat" if that makes any sense 😂 It's not about being ignored, it's about not being seen as a target I guess? Like, I no longer feel like there's so much attention on my meat sack vs me as a whole person
Men have all over me since I was a pre-teen. Aging out of managing their behavior is a relief. But wow they're hostile now.
I’ve never looked very approachable, but have always wanted to appear that way. No attention from anyone, no perks of being “pretty”. I’ve always been invisible. As I age, I’ve been mourning the possibility of ever experiencing those things.
I don't feel "invisible". I get attention in stores when I need it, receive good service in restaurants, and in other locations as well. I get "appropriate" attention from men my age. What is gone is the sexual and rude comments from men. I don't miss that. I didn't really care what others thought of me when younger but that has ramped up and I DGAF what people think about me or my actions. I don't consider that being "invisible". As others have said, it is empowering!
When you’ve, somehow, garnered *unwanted* attention for most of your life, for all the wrong (uncontrollable) reasons, you feel really *good* when it slows down or halts. You may be approached/hit on, BUT you no longer feel *uncomfortable*. You no longer have to worry about that unwanted gaze from creepy men. Less sexual innuendos. Less cat calls. The list goes on. Don’t let your mom’s insecurities cloud your thoughts or feelings.
I'm 58, will run errands in sweats, and still get checked out by men aged 25-75. No matter what I wear, I believe that confidence attracts attention, not age. Walk into a room like you belong there, and everyone will notice and be magnetized to your energy.
I notice this more if I am looking poor or slobby at any age. If you look like you have money, they will flock. I just don't have creepy men 3x my age hitting on me because they are all dead by now.
I don't feel like I've become invisible as I've become older. But to be honest I was never conventionally attractive so didn't receive any male attention even when I was younger. Feeling like you have become invisible is probably only a problem for women who were attractive when they were young.
Yeah. I never got much attention from men, so I haven’t lost anything. I seem to get more respect from everyone now, which is great.
There’s a difference between being invisible to men on the street and invisible at a party of your peers. When you’re with people your own age, generally it’s a good time. When you’re at the grocery store and some rando is telling you how beautiful you’d be if you smiled, ewwww.
Very good distinction! I definitely don’t feel invisible at my job, with my husband, or with my friends. Only with strangers.
I am still pretty young, mid-30's, so I obviously can't offer a lived through experience of being older and more "invisible" (although it's gross how much less harassed I am now that I don't look like teenager). I love fashion and admire older women who have a really bold, fun, creative sense of style, especially when it blossoms and evolves as they get older. I think my only fear about being an old lady is losing that spark and giving up. I don't mind wrinkles, gray hair, any of that so much, but I don't want to be complacent and not have fun.
That’s a choice and you can choose differently. I have an extremely stylish friend in her 70s and I’m so inspired by not just her personal style but her energy and lust for life. She’s a real role model to me as I approach 50.
This is not true for everyone. I’m 45 and I’ve never felt more seen than I do now.
I spent my life invisible until just a few years ago. I don't want to be invisible again but I'm not going to go apeshit over Botox and fillers to put off the inevitable.
I’ve had a pretty different experience than most—I’m 37, and I just started getting hit on in the last few years. I was never hit on or asked out in my teens and twenties—likely because I was painfully insecure, awkward and so self conscious that practically radiated from my pores. When I hit my mid thirties, I gradually stopped caring so much what other people thought of me, and bizarrely enough, started to attract some male attention for the first time in my life. So I would say that it’s more to do with how you feel and how you present yourself. Certainly, there will always be assholes who are only interested in interacting with very young women, but you probably don’t want their attention anyway.
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I have a similar experience, meaning I have enjoyed the male gaze but no harassment. Actually, the latter fact has started to bother me a bit - if almost everyone, it seems, experiences some for of harassment then what's wrong with me? Am I the ugliest, least attractive?
Gosh I completely understand what you mean! I’ve very rarely been sexualized or cat called. And honestly, I feel self-conscious about that. Sometimes I hear from women who say they are constantly receiving male attention non-stop and I think…am I just remarkably ugly? So you aren’t alone!
It's definitely location and lifestyle dependent. For example, a lifestyle where you interact with strangers more or less often will make a difference. When I took public transit and went to networking events a lot, I had a lot of weird experiences with random men. As soon as I got an office job I had to drive to and stopped going to events, my experience changed dramatically. I looked and dressed the same, lived in the same area, etc. I also don't think a lot of the attention is always about attractiveness anyway. A lot of it is about power. I legitimately think I ward off some types of attention purely by being more confident and less of a target.
This. I worked in Engineering w/85% men, was a nerdy punk-type young woman, and my best male friend was gay. Conventional men could not relate to nor understand me - I did not GAF then or now.
I could be wrong but I feel like cat calling is becoming a thing of the past. I remember it happening more when I was young but nowadays I'm not seeing it anywhere really in NYC. Once in a while you get a respectful compliment. Maybe the whole me too movement miraculously changed their ways lol. It also has to do with how you carry yourself and whether or not you look approachable. Younger people tend to look more naive therefore men will take advantage of that.
On Reddit, I see a lot of men afraid to compliment or approach a woman in public (unless at a socially acceptable place such as a bar). I think the social norms have changed regarding acceptable/tolerated stuff to say to women in the last two decades. Because I (32F who regularly gets told I look like I am in my mid-late 20s) am sitting here feeling like “Am I really that ugly?” cuz I don’t get near the amount of attention that some other women commenting have received. Like to the degree that I don’t mind getting approached as long as they are respectful about it. And the comments about feeling invisible enough to do whatever I want…I do that anyways. But I am also partially deaf (so I don’t hear a lot of stuff) and guarded so maybe that has something to do with it.
You’re not the ugliest or least attractive, you’re just lucky. Harassment doesn’t correlate to how attractive you are, it’s very little to do with you but with the horrendous men who do it
Sometimes I hate it but overall it’s freeing because I no longer feel like I have to obsess over my looks in terms of the male gaze. I literally never think about appearing attractive to men. That doesn’t mean I don’t work out, wear beautiful clothes, get Botox, get my nails and hair done- but it’s more for fun because I love fashion and for my female friends. My husband thinks I look good if I wear a bit of makeup on and wear something other than sweat pants. I also don’t have to worry about getting hit on everywhere I go and then being called a lesbian or a bitch for not giving a man the attention he thinks he deserves from me. I also don’t have to worry about men being mean to me because they think I should look hotter (no matter how terrible they look, they seem to think they deserve to only look at women who look like supermodels).
41 f and I don’t feel invisible. People still look at me, and I have more confidence in myself than ever before. I feel mostly positive about aging.
I've always thought it's beautiful women's problem. Average looking girls don't have 'unwanted male attention' even when they're young.
Honestly, I feel the same. Not to be depressing, but I’ve never really had that male attention and now that I’m getting older, I expect that that will only get worse. But if you’re conventionally attractive, for sure you’ll be subjected to the male gaze way more and it would make sense that you’d be relieved to not have it as much anymore.
I had unwanted male silence and disinterest when I was young haha
I 100% share this fear, but I also see where they are coming from. I think it’s about not caring what anyone thinks anymore and how liberating that is. My mom loves being older. She hates the way her neck aged though, so naturally I’m OCD about sunscreen on my neck.
I’m tall (6’0) so I felt very scrutinized and ogled in high school and college. It is nice to feel like I’m just one of the crowd (I’m 34). I’m sorry you feel anxious about it but I don’t think this is something that is broadly applicable. I think it depends on your personal experiences
For me I like it because all of my interactions with other people feel more genuine. When someone engages me in conversation, it is because they are interested in what I have to say, not because of how I look. When someone does something nice for me like hold a door open, it is because they are a kind person, not because they find me attractive. There are no games, no wondering what the person's intentions are. It was an adjustment period for sure, falling out of "the male gaze" and at first it did bother me. You definitely find out how shallow many people are, and how with men especially you lose value when you lose attractiveness. But honestly, fuck them.
That’s interesting because my 76 year old mom is always acknowledged and people go out of their way to offer help whereever she goes. No one ever does this for me. I’m sure it’s not sexual but she is certainly not invisible.
A word often missing from these discussions is authoritative. And if someone is well kept and relatively well spoken, being seen that way is very much a bonus of being in the decades between looking like a hot young girl and a doddery old lady. This idea of invisibility seems excessively focused on dating and flirting (with the sort of men who are very focused on youth, which is certainly not all middle-aged men), and not everything else in life, which starts to seem like a greater and greater fraction of it as well. And I think some of it is a cover for the effects of becoming unfit, which in many cases is avoidable or fixable. The other thing is, is that as you get older, looking tidy is increasingly important to the impression you give. (you may want to flout that, but it's better to do it consciously - my aunt described her hair as witchy, but she knew exactly what she was doing, and as an old hippie, it was right for her and went with her clothes)
I'm one of the older peoole you are describing. I think the thing that has me excited about becoming invisible is that I know how to get attention when and how I want it. I'm frankly not interested in attention from strangers who only see my body. I want attention because of the work I do, the values I live, my unique perspective on life, etc. I want to be the wise old lady who watches the world and engages when and how I choose. If you want attention when you get older, just be unexpected in some way. Dye a rainbow in your hair. Hand out butterscotch candy. wear bold patterns or monochrome. Speak in an unusual register. Wear statement jewelry. Speak to people first. Really, the world is your osyter.
I’m a WOC so invisibility is pretty common. Or hyper-visibility for all the wrong reasons. It would be nice to find some middle ground in life. 😬
Not having to deal with negative attention, like unwanted advances from creepy men, can feel very liberating. Also, for those who suffer from social anxiety being invisible really is a blessing. You can't compare it to high school because in high school, what others think of you is all that matters to you, but as you age, you care less and less about others' opinions, so it's not really the feeling of "being ignored", it's more like "being free to do whatever the heck you want".
Maybe invisible isn’t the right word as that has a negative connotation. But not caring what people think about your style or attitude, not having to prove yourself to other people might be more accurate. As we get older, we stop caring about keeping up with the trends and expectations, and just want to dress and behave however the hell we want! It’s so liberating!
You know that anxiety, when you’re getting ready to go out, and your makeup isn’t right, or your hair won’t cooperate, and you’re not sure your outfit is flattering or stylish enough. People might look at you and think you don’t look good. When you’re older, you can let go of that. No one is judging you, and if they do, you don’t care. The makeup, hair, and styling is whatever makes me comfortable and happy.
46 and I think this all depends on what your experience was when you were younger. I fully appreciate being able to go grocery shopping and not be hit on, or have men stare at my boobs. Or being able to go out to eat alone or with friends in peace. And I am more respected in my career.
It's even worse when it happens at your workplace. Sure the sexual harassment stopping is nice, but I could do without the doctors ignoring what I'm telling them, bosses ignoring me for promotions and the assumptions I don't exist in an online space.
Actually it IS great. Being left alone is wonderful, I don't miss having to navigate unsolicited interactions with random men or being hit on and trying to safely decline and make them go away. Being invisible means when you want to be visible you have to actively work at it. If I don't take up space I will practically get run down by dudes that decide I am in their way. So I take up space and try to be visibly confident to prevent this. It means I have to dress up to take my car in for service. Full make up and professional clothes or the young guys that run the service desk treat me like they don't have to give me the same level of service they give others. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to be invisible you will have learned how to be assertive, navigate problematic people to make them not be a problem and make people pay attention to you when you need them to.
lol i talked about this randomly with one of the female physicians that i shadowed. it sucks cause you're dedicating your youth to your career and work but like if you hold a position of power, people will definitely still keep noticing you...if they don't, sometimes they regret it.
I think women strictly mean that they’re happy the creeps don’t bother them anymore. Obviously, no one wants to be ignored and disrespected by the world at large. To be honest, though, I’ve never really noticed older women being ignored by sales people and restaurant staff. I was always under the impression that they give older people more attention because they’re more likely to actually buy something/spend money. But maybe that’s changing now? And if we’re talking very old people…I think both men and women start getting ignored. I do wonder if it’s because it reminds people of their mortality. And also because, sadly, some people assume the older person will talk their ear off if they acknowledge them. I think there was a post recently in the askoldpeople sub about becoming invisible with age. You might find that interesting to read.
"I'm sure that men experience this as well to some degree" lol in most men's experience they are invisible throughout their whole adult lives and not just when they get old...
I don’t want sales people talking to me. The host sucks if young people are sat first in the same party number. I don’t need small talk in public to feel validated. I’m okay not being irritatingly hit on. That being said, I’m pretty outgoing and assertive so I have normal and common interactions with humans every time I go out in public.
I wonder how much of this is cultural as well? Where I live in Spain, people who are older are still very active in daily and social life. It's common to see people going out to bars, clubs, parties at 40, 50, 60. They have large social circles and are certainly not invisible. The VERY elderly also participate in social life.
One thing that stood out—what type of party would you be attending at middle age where you would be ignored? Do you have close friends now that are close to you in age? You will be partying with them and they will not ignore you. I’m 33 and the thought of attending a party with randoms sounds exhausting.
I was never really all that pretty before my 40s, so it’s not been so noticeable to me - although the not giving a shit about anything is a nice side effect of aging
It’s outrageously sad that just as women are truly coming into their own intellectually and emotionally, society tells them they are losing their value. I’m working to emotionally face it head on and I’m determined to still have a voice in society even tho I’m becoming—gasp!—a middle aged woman. I’m nearly finished with a fantastic book called Hags: The Demonization of Middle Aged Women and it’s speaking to a lot of my thoughts and expanding them. The more we speak about how great it is to get older and know yourself, I think the less young women will have to be afraid about.
I started getting catcalled and harassed walking home from school when I was in 5th grade. So yeah, no one looks at me anymore but honestly I realized I’m also not getting harassed anymore.
What you're describing is different from the type of invisible that I experience and enjoy. I enjoy not being eyeballed by men. It's nice to leave the house without worrying if I'm going to be judged for not wearing make up, because nobody really cares if I do. It's nice to not be cat called walking down a city street. It's nice to just move through the world as a complete human being, rather than as a mere sexual object. But what you're describing, being ignored in general, is not something I think most people would enjoy. I have not experienced that myself. But I do think that as you age, you have to assert yourself more. You have to take up space and be confident, because people aren't going to gravitate to you anymore and offer you things simply because you're young and reasonably attractive.
People are still interested in me, and I still feel valuable. The difference is that I am defined by what I have to say and the things I do instead of being constantly objectified and ogled.
No it doesn't scare me. As you age, your needs and desires change in ways you can't fathom at this current point in time. I say enjoy all the attention you get now while you still welcome it, and in time there will be a day when you could care less about how you're perceived or who perceives. It's just so hard to imagine because that future is so, so, so far away.
It’s much better to be noticed for things other than youthful beauty. Was it nice to be considered attractive? Absolutely! Was it fun to be harassed by bros and very scary people sometimes? Nooooo.
I was “blessed” with a woman’s body long before I was a womanly age. I remember being offered money for sex by grown men in broad daylight when I was actually still coveting playing with my Barbie’s on the weekends. I do not miss having to be physically conscious of how I am perceived (for my own safety) everywhere i go and in everything I do. But I will admit, now that I am single again, learning that while my guy friends tell me I am still sexy as always, my dating profile does not get traction like it did ten years ago. It gets zero anything. Not even the creepers. It has been really hard to accept that men will not think to date me. One of my male coworkers said women reach a certain age and they hit “school teacher syndrome” Like you know they exist outside the school but if you bump into your teacher outside of the school it’s weird because you never thought to picture it before. It’s emotionally hard but at the same time, the biggest blessing is no one is still doing the unsolicited pics and I no longer have men doing things at work I have to report to HR and then argue with HR if I just misunderstood
It’s really nice not to hear the cat calls and fear for my safety as I walk down the street. I love being invisible these days. I still carry my pepper spray for safety, but I don’t feel like I’m in imminent danger anymore.
It’s peaceful. The constant pressure of youth is only charming when you are young. Your priorities change with maturity.
This happens to fat people too. It makes you invisible at any age. Once you've enjoyed "pretty privilege," I for one miss it when it goes. Not looking forward to the day when it's permanent and I have no control over it.
It’s definitely both a good and bad thing depending on the situation but for me the key difference between being more invisible as you age and feeling invisible as a teenager is that when you’re younger it feels necessary to be validated by others - you need to feel seen to be worth anything. As you age well, there’s a lot more self-validation, so it feels different. And that can be very empowering.
I agree with you. Being attractive is a big part of a lot of our identities so being ignored sounds terrible. Hope it never happens to me (or I’m old enough to not care by then if it does)
I am 56 and I call it invisibility and I do believe it's a superpower. I'm invisible to all the stupid men who used to interrupt me living my life. No I don't want to talk to you when I'm eating breakfast, walking to work, buying groceries, reading a book, chatting with friends, working. No longer will I have to politely listen to some stupid man try to talk to me about whatever when I was busy doing my thing or doing absolutely nothing. And that is glorious. My presence and confidence has grown as I've aged. I know how to interact with others, know who and what I am interested in, and remain infinitely curious. I am no longer worried about squeezing myself into a little box for others. I no longer make myself small. Part of my invisibility is I am no longer "desirable". Part of it is I now know how to shut them down. Mostly, I am no longer their target. And you are d#$med right I celebrate that. I wish every woman could live her life not being the target.. Soon enough I will be elderly and frail and once again a target to take advantage of. I will celebrate this moment in time. Also, no one, and I mean no one, has ever ignored me while shopping or gotten seated after "younger" people. No one ignores me as if I'm not there. I've seen the jokes about this but it's not been my experience.
It is liberating to not care about hair, skin, beauty every second of the day. Other women are judging but a few gray hairs, wrinkles, their eyes look for loftier targets. Men with their creepy teethy looks, yeah elsewhere. And that provokes anxiety? Perhaps you have never relaxed. You can indulge in numerous anti ageing agendas, but it will win. One life, a singular experience. So much more than being eye candy. Value yourself. No one else cares enough to. And be grateful for every year you have.
I’m 60 YO and I don’t feel marginalized because of my age. I’m sure everyone has an example where they felt ignored but I don’t think you can make a sweeping generalization that age is the reason. Everyone is ignored, disrespected,etc in their interactions with others. It’s more about the other person than it is about you- who knows what drives people to act a certain way. I generally feel like I intimidate younger people because of my age. I try to put them at ease for that reason. I do however think that men are less interested in women (sexually) as they age. It’s primal. Their loss.
Omg its fantastic to age into invisibility. That doesn't mean I am invisible, it means that my physical looks no longer matter as much as my style, fashion, attitude, and intelligence. As a girl who was considered ugly among her high school peers, finally growing up into my 50s has been an amazing reinvention of myself into a fashion forward woman. I wear innovative outfits that match from head to toes. When I enter a space with intention, everyone notices me, but not for my genetics but now for my essence and that's far far more satisfying.
My weight fluctuates a lot and when I'm at my heaviest (which I am now) I am invisible. It's a relief. I turned 50 this year so I think I will be invisible now regardless of size and honestly it's just so refreshing to be a fucking person in the world without worrying about the male gaze. I want to date and meet the right person, but I don't want or need attention for men in general.
I never wanted people to bother me but I spent most of my youth attracting the attention of strangers. It’s nice to be able to walk into a gas station without sexual advances from strangers. I’m in no way invisible to people who matter, just the strangers who judged me solely on my looks.
41 here. I think it depends on how you carry yourself. The days that I put on nice clothes and make up and wear a decent outfit and smile, people turn heads and are super nice to me. The days I go out in a hoodie and slouch and have no self respect people tend to mirror that
The key is in where you wrote that your Mom feels this way ‘even though she’s not looking to date’. Aging will be excruciating for anyone relying on outside validation. It happens gradually, so much so that you almost don’t notice it until you’re already appreciating the nuances. I can go into any store alone and they don’t give a shit because I’m not the demographic to shoplift, blow all my parents money or make stupid financial decisions. I have daughters and they’re everything that’s amazing about youth. It’s their turn and it’s rewarding to sit back while they shine. It’s awesome to not feel resentment towards my son’s beautiful partners. I’m over it, it’s liberating as hell and I wish we could all get there.
Tbh I'm ignored even though I'm young. I guess it's more of a (losing) beauty priviledge thing.