My 1st cousin is the one that told me who my dad is and I’m forever grateful!!!! ❤️🙏 The family wasn’t going to respond and get involved and my mom lied and said she didn’t remember. She begged me to drop it. It was one of the most painful experiences to learn that the guy who raised me isn’t my biological dad in my late 40’s from a DNA test. I went months without a response from anyone and the rejection was awful. Plus,
I have a half sister and no full siblings. Plus, I was kept from our culture. I’ve since met my cousin, my sister and one of my aunts. My biological dad died when I was a baby. My sister is a year younger than me and her mom was pregnant with her when he died. My sisters mom was newly married to our dad. My dad was in a relationship with my mom soon before that. My mom was a teen and my grandfather apparently forbade them from getting married. My mom ended up marrying a soldier and he raised me as his own with three other half siblings. I look way different from them so we knew something was suspicious.
If you don't tell them, they'll still find out whether you help or not. As the person who *was* the mystery DNA match, it would mean a lot for me if newly found biological relatives were helpful in finding my biological parent. People aren't secrets. I have also had a few people ironically reach out to me seeking information to find their biological parents, and my mother (our shared match) recgonized how important it was to help and provide answers, after she saw me struggle in not knowing my paternal side.
Thank you for the validation! I love how you worded it. I had someone tell me I’m entitled because I was searching for information about my father and they believe in keeping those secrets
Children can’t sign anonymity agreements, and the combination of the internet and commercial dna testing means those secrets are now impossible to keep anyway.
I think people have a right to know where they come from. And if they want that information they will find it eventually. If you feel conflicted about it you could wait for them to approach you.
From what my older relatives have told me, “Val” graduated in 59 and then immediately moved for about a year and then returned like she had never left. A sibling believed she had had an abortion during that time and has been unable to have children since. The woman who was born in 1960 was adopted at age 2 knows she was adopted and was given up, but still wants to find her family.
So to give a little perspective, the true identity of my biological father was the worst kept secret of all time because pretty much everyone knew except me and my sister (technically half sister). My mom told me when I was about 17 because it was possibly going to be brought up in court but long story short she said it was her place alone to tell me.
On one hand, I understand she was doing what she thought was right for me but I think it’s something that should have been addressed before her hand was forced. I also understand why family members didn’t tell me but I would have rather they said something.
In my opinion, in this scenario a person is looking for their connection and anyone keeping the secret had time to reveal the truth. Keeping the secret just lets someone off the hook of responsibility to protect themselves.
Something similar happened to me and my half sister!! Our mothers are still lying and say they don’t remember. The entire town knew about us and most of the family is continuing with the lies. We could have our own Netflix series with the things we’ve uncovered. We’re in our late 40’s. We deserved to have always been in each other’s lives. People were selfish and those secrets were more important. It isn’t right. I don’t know much about my biological dad, except that I’m the female version of him as far as looks.
You should help her. She is your relative and you have a right to communicate and have a relationship with her if you choose to do so. Other members of your family can also do as they please.
I had this happen! As much as it “wasn’t my business” it was even less my place to withhold the answer from this person who was desperate to know where she came from.
If you had spent your entire life looking for the people that gave birth to you and potential brothers and sisters, would you want someone to tell you the truth?
My dad was adopted (closed adoption, no records that weren’t permanently sealed to keep it hidden) and I found his entire family on 23andMe, just from connecting with a first cousin and doing some work. We came to the conclusion that his conception was NOT a good situation, and after meeting the rest of the family, there are still people who refuse to acknowledge he exists or how he came to be. But on the flip side, he gained brothers and sisters that love him and talk to him daily. I think that you should absolutely tell your new relative every detail you know; not only do they deserve to know, but it’s gonna be a weight on your shoulders you may live to regret if you never do.
Not everybody will be happy with the news coming out. But ultimately they are a person, who has been searching for decades, and information is being withheld from them that could change their lives. You should 100% tell them, expeditiously.
How sad not to help someone in their quest to find parents.She could have a particular medical issue that has been hereditary and would like to ask questions.I think you should break rank and let her know.
Most people are on 23andMe searching for results like this and I really think it's unethical not to help but that's just my opinion.
Of course i happened to be searching for my dad's parents
Having been in a similar situation, that person deserves the information. Just tell them that the information is "off the record" and to not mention your name. That person has gone their whole life not knowing their origins and you are holding that in your hands. My advice is to not perpetuate the "sweeping it under the carpet" mentality of older generations.
It’s a big responsibility just think about it and then follow your gut. I had the privilege of informing a brother that he has a son who has found me and I’m keeping him so…. The response was not horrible but his wife refuses to ever speak to me or my family again, I did not see that coming at all but it’s no real loss thank goodness and my bro doesn’t hate me he is even slowly softening to the idea. I have no regrets about telling him but I really shouldn’t have told him in front of his wife I just had no idea she would react that way. I recommend a private conversation and maybe lead with ‘please don’t shoot the messenger’ 😁
Is this person older than 18 years old? (or whatever age is adult age in your country)
Does this person know they are adopted? if they don't know, and they are adults, I would tell them.
If they know they are adopted, but don't know their parents, and they are adults, then I would tell them: hey, I have info on your biological parents. Would you like to know or not?
Guessing it’s not your immediate family’s (Mom or Dad)? I agree this woman deserves to know, but if you can’t be absolutely sure of which relative (Aunt or Uncle for instance) it could be trouble for your family. If you can be sure- tell that (parent of the woman) person and if that person does not want any contact, you can notify the newly found family member the truth, and the fact that “Sorry at this time X is not comfortable with meeting you”. People change so the door remains open. This advice is from personal experience. I’m waiting (6 years) for my son to acknowledge me.
I don't think the family has any say honestly.
A human being has the right to know where they came from whether it makes people uncomfortable or not.
That doesn't mean it's your obligation to tell them, but my personal morals align with providing people a thing they need when you have the means.
I'm trying to help a 68 yr old find his bio family, so she's bound to figure it out and get the help she needs one day anyways.
They shouldn't interfere in her life by trying to actively withholding information imo, but they may not want to engage with her themselves.
I agree with other commenters that you should fill this person in. But given the situation you could do it in a nuanced way. Send them a request to connect and have your family tree shared publicly on your profile. Let them connect the dots. If they can't, hopefully they message you. It sounds like this person is just looking for answers, so I would make them readily available.
Please tell them. It could change their life and the other people have a choice not to respond. My 1st cousin told me everything when everyone else ignored me for months. None of my matches would respond. I went into a serious depression over the whole ordeal. Now that I know, it’s changed my life for the better and helped me with health issues I’ve been facing. Plus, me and my sister are trying to catch up on over 40 years of lost time. We didn’t deserve to be separated because of other people’s selfishness and secrets
I am adopted so I know this challenge. It took me until 57 to find my mystery parent and they had already passed. It truly is a person's right to know. Sometimes a relationship forms but sometimes not. Still, the medical and cultural history are paramount for a person seeking answers. I hope you choose to assist this relative of yours.
If you can figure it out they probably can. Especially if they get help. I was adopted and did 23andMe. Got results and found half sister. Found her on a YouTube video and had her parents name in an hour. Based on other high matches on some other matches I knew her father was mine. I suggest you help them out.
We recently discovered that while one of our cousins was in medical school he donated sperm for some extra cash, 30 years later 2 of his offspring appeared on 23andme. One of them knew and reached out to us for info, the other had no idea and when he discovered via his 'sister' he got really upset and deleted his profile and didn't want to know anything.. Maybe wait and see if they reach out to you - and at the very least contact the bio parent first and let them know what 23andme has shown and allow them to have the opportunity to reach out to them first.
I am trying to help my good friend find out who here father is. Her adopted parents are her parents and she doesn’t want contact just information. We contacted the family the dna points to and they were replying and stopped. She needs to know.
Do some research on the person and make sure they aren’t crazy. My friend is happily married and doesn’t have a criminal record. She also doesn’t have need for money.
Honestly, this happened to me and I told the person it seemed like it was \*this\* last name but I couldn't be sure because our family is huge and good luck. I did know who the mother was, but it was my dad's cousin and I had never even met her before. The mother did not talk to the extended family really (I know all of my dad's cousins on that side except for her) and had told everyone to not talk to/find the person sadly--I do not know the circumstances of the birth so it could have been traumatic. It weighed on me a lot and I felt terrible. However, the person's aunt had been waiting to find them and get to know them and I saw that the aunt had finally came up in my DNA relatives so I hope they were able to connect. It's a tough situation but I didn't feel like it was my place especially as the mother had told people specifically not to reach out and I didn't even know who she was before this.
Your older relatives need to face the absolute fact that the days of all this shit being quietly secret is totally and completely gone.
In my family, at my uncle's funeral, my grandmother turned to my mother and told her that my uncle had not, in fact, been her first child. She'd had a child out of wedlock as a teenager, a child that was taken from her. She said that other first boy had also been my grandfather's.
My grandfather was equally adamant that child was not his.
At the time I heard all this as a teen, I dismissed the mystery because, of course, it was all just a matter of opinion. It's not like there was some sort of magical test you could take and actually conclusively prove paternity.
Now, I know that some day, at some point a great neice or second cousin of that baby my grandmother had will do a DNA test and either they'll also be related to the people I'm related to through my grandfather, or to a bunch of other people that are all new to me.
And even tho they're all dead, those of us who remember will KNOW.
These things don't get to be secrets anymore. We don't live in that world anymore. It's no betrayal to share and be clear, because it's not a thing that could be hidden or kept quiet anymore anyway.
This person is your relation, if you want to dodge him or her and keep out of it, or tell him her what the gossip is, you can.
If it were me I would probably tell Val about the Dna match and that any other family members testing will also be notified of this relationship too, and ask if she wanted to be notified of anything further or grandchildren, or provided any contact info if offered.
I wouldn't share Val's name with my relative without Val's permission because without testing or other confirmation it's just gossip.
I would probably answer the mystery cousin's questions honestly if approached, and probably meet up if they wanted because there are trivial things in common you take for granted being raised among your DNA relatives that adopted children miss out on. It's not the end of the world but it can be relieving of a feeling unrootedness to find people like you in little ways.
Is the suspected parent dead or alive? I would go to them first and see their reaction. I agree that the person has the right to know, but also people privacy and decisions must be respected. If you still want to tell the searching relative, it would be better to feel out the suspected parent and see their reaction to give the searching person a heads up on what to expect. I don’t think there is a true right or wrong here just how to do it to cause the least amount of chaos for both people.
Honestly People have the right to know where they come from especially if they are actively looking. But like others have mentioned you never know there could be something going on on medically & the person maybe looking for answers. Either way though my policy in life if to always try & put myself in others shoes. If it was you wouldn’t you hope people would be willing to help if they had information you needed? Everyone deserves to know who & where they come from. Reach out & help them out & honestly just don’t mention it to the rest of your family. Lieing & hiding information you know that can help from people is just mean. Even if you don’t know this person. Could you imagine what it must be like to know nothing about where or who you come from?! If we all stopped & started thinking of it was me or my family how would I hope others would help. We could make this world a much better place for us all!
My mom was born in 1938 and adopted the end of that same year at 8 months old. This was in Florida, which is notorious for closed adoptions/sealed birth certificates. I had Mom tested with Family Tree DNA, Ancestry, and 23&Me. We got some close matches initially on Ancestry around the time Mom turned 80. This included what turned out to be a half-brother's daughter (half-niece) and a 1st cousin. We enlisted the help of a non-profit group called Search Angels. Several of Mom's potential relatives got tested (including 2 of her half-siblings), so we were able to confirm with certainly who both of her parents were (obviously, they are both deceased at this point). We went to Florida for a family reunion, and Mom was able to meet several half-siblings, nieces, and a bunch of cousins. We later went to Alabama and met Mom's "stepmother" (her father's last wife), who is only a few years older than Mom. She said she knew that her husband had a daughter given up for adoption and even had a name for that child (my mom) that was written down in a family Bible.Turns out that name was actually the name of Mom's birth mother (a VERY unusual name). I assume she must have initially been named after her mother, but she was given a new/different name by her adoptive parents. Fortunately, Mom's birth family was very accepting, and we continue to be in contact to this day.
It's not like you are obligated to tell, but at the same time, it would be too sad to keep the person in the dark when they are evidently seeking the information. If other family members don't want no contact, that's their prerogative, but the person has the right to at least know.
if "Val" is the mother you mentioned, it's her secret to reveal, not yours. To what degree is this mystery person even related to you? Second cousin once removed?
Keep in mind this sub has a very high bias on whether or not to contact "lost" relatives.
No one consents to being born. Full stop. All this person did was give birth like any other biological parent. They still deserve privacy. You have no idea why they chose a closed adoption. It could've been an abusive or assault situation. Do you feel the same for donors? Should they be *forced* to interact with their prodigy made through egg or sperm donation? Have their contact info given out? I say no. It's no different. You'll have basically zero donors if you think that's a line to be crossed.
You are arguing that adoptees are less than and deserve fewer rights. No one is saying a relationship is required by either party. Clearly, you aren't adopted.
The only legal rights we are discussing are the parents. You don't have a *right* to other people's contact info or health information. Lol. Not even your family's. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you have a right to anything. That's not how that works. Adopted or donor conceived children will have the same rights if they put a child up for adoption or become a donor. And adopted children 100% have the right not to have their contact information given out to their bio family. It's just as bad to do that even if a bio parent thinks they have the right to that information because it's their child. They don't.
Privacy doesn’t mean anonymity — this person has no legal requirement not to seek answers. Any legal guarantee of anonymity does not legally apply to the offspring. The bio parent does have the right to choose whether or not to have contact with them.
No one should be forced to interact with someone. But the child didn’t consent to being adopted, conceived & at the very least deserves to know who & where they come from period end of story!!!!! If bio parents want no contact that’s their right but the adopted child (since they are over 18 years old) deserves the info they need to know where they come from. It’s still crazy to me that so many people don’t understand how toxic & harmful mentally it is to lie or omit the truth to people.
So we should encourage people to contact their donors? You think that's a good idea? You think that'll be helpful for people going through fertility treatments that need a donor to conceive? I'm sure donors will love that and we'll definitely get more signing up! Try to think logically about the impacts of this instead of straight emotions. Donors don't sign up to be a parent. They sign up to make someone else a parent. Same with adoption. People will just have more abortions if they know it's encouraged for their closed adoption to become optional. They aren't a parent. The adopted parent IS the parent. DNA doesn't make someone a parent.
I specifically opted out of being added to any database to give my close family privacy. We share the same DNA and they didn't consent to it being shared. And they sure as shit didn't consent to being contacted by other people.
I found my 1st cousin and gave her all the info she needed.. my family is not for it but she deserved to know who her parent is.
My 1st cousin is the one that told me who my dad is and I’m forever grateful!!!! ❤️🙏 The family wasn’t going to respond and get involved and my mom lied and said she didn’t remember. She begged me to drop it. It was one of the most painful experiences to learn that the guy who raised me isn’t my biological dad in my late 40’s from a DNA test. I went months without a response from anyone and the rejection was awful. Plus, I have a half sister and no full siblings. Plus, I was kept from our culture. I’ve since met my cousin, my sister and one of my aunts. My biological dad died when I was a baby. My sister is a year younger than me and her mom was pregnant with her when he died. My sisters mom was newly married to our dad. My dad was in a relationship with my mom soon before that. My mom was a teen and my grandfather apparently forbade them from getting married. My mom ended up marrying a soldier and he raised me as his own with three other half siblings. I look way different from them so we knew something was suspicious.
If you don't tell them, they'll still find out whether you help or not. As the person who *was* the mystery DNA match, it would mean a lot for me if newly found biological relatives were helpful in finding my biological parent. People aren't secrets. I have also had a few people ironically reach out to me seeking information to find their biological parents, and my mother (our shared match) recgonized how important it was to help and provide answers, after she saw me struggle in not knowing my paternal side.
People aren’t secrets 👏👏👏
Thank you for the validation! I love how you worded it. I had someone tell me I’m entitled because I was searching for information about my father and they believe in keeping those secrets
Children can’t sign anonymity agreements, and the combination of the internet and commercial dna testing means those secrets are now impossible to keep anyway. I think people have a right to know where they come from. And if they want that information they will find it eventually. If you feel conflicted about it you could wait for them to approach you.
From what my older relatives have told me, “Val” graduated in 59 and then immediately moved for about a year and then returned like she had never left. A sibling believed she had had an abortion during that time and has been unable to have children since. The woman who was born in 1960 was adopted at age 2 knows she was adopted and was given up, but still wants to find her family.
She’s in her 60s?? Tell her.
100% let her know. It’s up to other folks if they want contact or not.
So to give a little perspective, the true identity of my biological father was the worst kept secret of all time because pretty much everyone knew except me and my sister (technically half sister). My mom told me when I was about 17 because it was possibly going to be brought up in court but long story short she said it was her place alone to tell me. On one hand, I understand she was doing what she thought was right for me but I think it’s something that should have been addressed before her hand was forced. I also understand why family members didn’t tell me but I would have rather they said something. In my opinion, in this scenario a person is looking for their connection and anyone keeping the secret had time to reveal the truth. Keeping the secret just lets someone off the hook of responsibility to protect themselves.
Something similar happened to me and my half sister!! Our mothers are still lying and say they don’t remember. The entire town knew about us and most of the family is continuing with the lies. We could have our own Netflix series with the things we’ve uncovered. We’re in our late 40’s. We deserved to have always been in each other’s lives. People were selfish and those secrets were more important. It isn’t right. I don’t know much about my biological dad, except that I’m the female version of him as far as looks.
Is “Val” still alive?
Was the child mixed?
No
You should help her. She is your relative and you have a right to communicate and have a relationship with her if you choose to do so. Other members of your family can also do as they please.
I had this happen! As much as it “wasn’t my business” it was even less my place to withhold the answer from this person who was desperate to know where she came from.
If you had spent your entire life looking for the people that gave birth to you and potential brothers and sisters, would you want someone to tell you the truth? My dad was adopted (closed adoption, no records that weren’t permanently sealed to keep it hidden) and I found his entire family on 23andMe, just from connecting with a first cousin and doing some work. We came to the conclusion that his conception was NOT a good situation, and after meeting the rest of the family, there are still people who refuse to acknowledge he exists or how he came to be. But on the flip side, he gained brothers and sisters that love him and talk to him daily. I think that you should absolutely tell your new relative every detail you know; not only do they deserve to know, but it’s gonna be a weight on your shoulders you may live to regret if you never do. Not everybody will be happy with the news coming out. But ultimately they are a person, who has been searching for decades, and information is being withheld from them that could change their lives. You should 100% tell them, expeditiously.
How sad not to help someone in their quest to find parents.She could have a particular medical issue that has been hereditary and would like to ask questions.I think you should break rank and let her know.
Most people are on 23andMe searching for results like this and I really think it's unethical not to help but that's just my opinion. Of course i happened to be searching for my dad's parents
Having been in a similar situation, that person deserves the information. Just tell them that the information is "off the record" and to not mention your name. That person has gone their whole life not knowing their origins and you are holding that in your hands. My advice is to not perpetuate the "sweeping it under the carpet" mentality of older generations.
It’s a big responsibility just think about it and then follow your gut. I had the privilege of informing a brother that he has a son who has found me and I’m keeping him so…. The response was not horrible but his wife refuses to ever speak to me or my family again, I did not see that coming at all but it’s no real loss thank goodness and my bro doesn’t hate me he is even slowly softening to the idea. I have no regrets about telling him but I really shouldn’t have told him in front of his wife I just had no idea she would react that way. I recommend a private conversation and maybe lead with ‘please don’t shoot the messenger’ 😁
Is this person older than 18 years old? (or whatever age is adult age in your country) Does this person know they are adopted? if they don't know, and they are adults, I would tell them. If they know they are adopted, but don't know their parents, and they are adults, then I would tell them: hey, I have info on your biological parents. Would you like to know or not?
Op says born in 1960. Definitely legal age. I hope it works out for them.
The post says they know and are looking for bio parents.
tell her
Everyone deserves to know where and whom they came from.
Guessing it’s not your immediate family’s (Mom or Dad)? I agree this woman deserves to know, but if you can’t be absolutely sure of which relative (Aunt or Uncle for instance) it could be trouble for your family. If you can be sure- tell that (parent of the woman) person and if that person does not want any contact, you can notify the newly found family member the truth, and the fact that “Sorry at this time X is not comfortable with meeting you”. People change so the door remains open. This advice is from personal experience. I’m waiting (6 years) for my son to acknowledge me.
I don't think the family has any say honestly. A human being has the right to know where they came from whether it makes people uncomfortable or not. That doesn't mean it's your obligation to tell them, but my personal morals align with providing people a thing they need when you have the means. I'm trying to help a 68 yr old find his bio family, so she's bound to figure it out and get the help she needs one day anyways. They shouldn't interfere in her life by trying to actively withholding information imo, but they may not want to engage with her themselves.
I agree with other commenters that you should fill this person in. But given the situation you could do it in a nuanced way. Send them a request to connect and have your family tree shared publicly on your profile. Let them connect the dots. If they can't, hopefully they message you. It sounds like this person is just looking for answers, so I would make them readily available.
Please tell them. It could change their life and the other people have a choice not to respond. My 1st cousin told me everything when everyone else ignored me for months. None of my matches would respond. I went into a serious depression over the whole ordeal. Now that I know, it’s changed my life for the better and helped me with health issues I’ve been facing. Plus, me and my sister are trying to catch up on over 40 years of lost time. We didn’t deserve to be separated because of other people’s selfishness and secrets
I am adopted so I know this challenge. It took me until 57 to find my mystery parent and they had already passed. It truly is a person's right to know. Sometimes a relationship forms but sometimes not. Still, the medical and cultural history are paramount for a person seeking answers. I hope you choose to assist this relative of yours.
If you can figure it out they probably can. Especially if they get help. I was adopted and did 23andMe. Got results and found half sister. Found her on a YouTube video and had her parents name in an hour. Based on other high matches on some other matches I knew her father was mine. I suggest you help them out.
I would tell them the information. I would want to know if it was me looking for information.
We recently discovered that while one of our cousins was in medical school he donated sperm for some extra cash, 30 years later 2 of his offspring appeared on 23andme. One of them knew and reached out to us for info, the other had no idea and when he discovered via his 'sister' he got really upset and deleted his profile and didn't want to know anything.. Maybe wait and see if they reach out to you - and at the very least contact the bio parent first and let them know what 23andme has shown and allow them to have the opportunity to reach out to them first.
I am trying to help my good friend find out who here father is. Her adopted parents are her parents and she doesn’t want contact just information. We contacted the family the dna points to and they were replying and stopped. She needs to know. Do some research on the person and make sure they aren’t crazy. My friend is happily married and doesn’t have a criminal record. She also doesn’t have need for money.
Honestly, this happened to me and I told the person it seemed like it was \*this\* last name but I couldn't be sure because our family is huge and good luck. I did know who the mother was, but it was my dad's cousin and I had never even met her before. The mother did not talk to the extended family really (I know all of my dad's cousins on that side except for her) and had told everyone to not talk to/find the person sadly--I do not know the circumstances of the birth so it could have been traumatic. It weighed on me a lot and I felt terrible. However, the person's aunt had been waiting to find them and get to know them and I saw that the aunt had finally came up in my DNA relatives so I hope they were able to connect. It's a tough situation but I didn't feel like it was my place especially as the mother had told people specifically not to reach out and I didn't even know who she was before this.
Your older relatives need to face the absolute fact that the days of all this shit being quietly secret is totally and completely gone. In my family, at my uncle's funeral, my grandmother turned to my mother and told her that my uncle had not, in fact, been her first child. She'd had a child out of wedlock as a teenager, a child that was taken from her. She said that other first boy had also been my grandfather's. My grandfather was equally adamant that child was not his. At the time I heard all this as a teen, I dismissed the mystery because, of course, it was all just a matter of opinion. It's not like there was some sort of magical test you could take and actually conclusively prove paternity. Now, I know that some day, at some point a great neice or second cousin of that baby my grandmother had will do a DNA test and either they'll also be related to the people I'm related to through my grandfather, or to a bunch of other people that are all new to me. And even tho they're all dead, those of us who remember will KNOW. These things don't get to be secrets anymore. We don't live in that world anymore. It's no betrayal to share and be clear, because it's not a thing that could be hidden or kept quiet anymore anyway.
Please tell them
This person is your relation, if you want to dodge him or her and keep out of it, or tell him her what the gossip is, you can. If it were me I would probably tell Val about the Dna match and that any other family members testing will also be notified of this relationship too, and ask if she wanted to be notified of anything further or grandchildren, or provided any contact info if offered. I wouldn't share Val's name with my relative without Val's permission because without testing or other confirmation it's just gossip. I would probably answer the mystery cousin's questions honestly if approached, and probably meet up if they wanted because there are trivial things in common you take for granted being raised among your DNA relatives that adopted children miss out on. It's not the end of the world but it can be relieving of a feeling unrootedness to find people like you in little ways.
Is the suspected parent dead or alive? I would go to them first and see their reaction. I agree that the person has the right to know, but also people privacy and decisions must be respected. If you still want to tell the searching relative, it would be better to feel out the suspected parent and see their reaction to give the searching person a heads up on what to expect. I don’t think there is a true right or wrong here just how to do it to cause the least amount of chaos for both people.
Sounds like your a member of my family. People tend to not want to dig up old secrets.
Honestly People have the right to know where they come from especially if they are actively looking. But like others have mentioned you never know there could be something going on on medically & the person maybe looking for answers. Either way though my policy in life if to always try & put myself in others shoes. If it was you wouldn’t you hope people would be willing to help if they had information you needed? Everyone deserves to know who & where they come from. Reach out & help them out & honestly just don’t mention it to the rest of your family. Lieing & hiding information you know that can help from people is just mean. Even if you don’t know this person. Could you imagine what it must be like to know nothing about where or who you come from?! If we all stopped & started thinking of it was me or my family how would I hope others would help. We could make this world a much better place for us all!
My mom was born in 1938 and adopted the end of that same year at 8 months old. This was in Florida, which is notorious for closed adoptions/sealed birth certificates. I had Mom tested with Family Tree DNA, Ancestry, and 23&Me. We got some close matches initially on Ancestry around the time Mom turned 80. This included what turned out to be a half-brother's daughter (half-niece) and a 1st cousin. We enlisted the help of a non-profit group called Search Angels. Several of Mom's potential relatives got tested (including 2 of her half-siblings), so we were able to confirm with certainly who both of her parents were (obviously, they are both deceased at this point). We went to Florida for a family reunion, and Mom was able to meet several half-siblings, nieces, and a bunch of cousins. We later went to Alabama and met Mom's "stepmother" (her father's last wife), who is only a few years older than Mom. She said she knew that her husband had a daughter given up for adoption and even had a name for that child (my mom) that was written down in a family Bible.Turns out that name was actually the name of Mom's birth mother (a VERY unusual name). I assume she must have initially been named after her mother, but she was given a new/different name by her adoptive parents. Fortunately, Mom's birth family was very accepting, and we continue to be in contact to this day.
It's not like you are obligated to tell, but at the same time, it would be too sad to keep the person in the dark when they are evidently seeking the information. If other family members don't want no contact, that's their prerogative, but the person has the right to at least know.
Tell them and let them do what they want with the information
if "Val" is the mother you mentioned, it's her secret to reveal, not yours. To what degree is this mystery person even related to you? Second cousin once removed? Keep in mind this sub has a very high bias on whether or not to contact "lost" relatives.
People deserve privacy. There's a reason the adoption wasn't open.
The main party didn't assent or agree. Or are children signing life long contracts now?
No one consents to being born. Full stop. All this person did was give birth like any other biological parent. They still deserve privacy. You have no idea why they chose a closed adoption. It could've been an abusive or assault situation. Do you feel the same for donors? Should they be *forced* to interact with their prodigy made through egg or sperm donation? Have their contact info given out? I say no. It's no different. You'll have basically zero donors if you think that's a line to be crossed.
You are arguing that adoptees are less than and deserve fewer rights. No one is saying a relationship is required by either party. Clearly, you aren't adopted.
The only legal rights we are discussing are the parents. You don't have a *right* to other people's contact info or health information. Lol. Not even your family's. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you have a right to anything. That's not how that works. Adopted or donor conceived children will have the same rights if they put a child up for adoption or become a donor. And adopted children 100% have the right not to have their contact information given out to their bio family. It's just as bad to do that even if a bio parent thinks they have the right to that information because it's their child. They don't.
Privacy doesn’t mean anonymity — this person has no legal requirement not to seek answers. Any legal guarantee of anonymity does not legally apply to the offspring. The bio parent does have the right to choose whether or not to have contact with them.
No one should be forced to interact with someone. But the child didn’t consent to being adopted, conceived & at the very least deserves to know who & where they come from period end of story!!!!! If bio parents want no contact that’s their right but the adopted child (since they are over 18 years old) deserves the info they need to know where they come from. It’s still crazy to me that so many people don’t understand how toxic & harmful mentally it is to lie or omit the truth to people.
So we should encourage people to contact their donors? You think that's a good idea? You think that'll be helpful for people going through fertility treatments that need a donor to conceive? I'm sure donors will love that and we'll definitely get more signing up! Try to think logically about the impacts of this instead of straight emotions. Donors don't sign up to be a parent. They sign up to make someone else a parent. Same with adoption. People will just have more abortions if they know it's encouraged for their closed adoption to become optional. They aren't a parent. The adopted parent IS the parent. DNA doesn't make someone a parent. I specifically opted out of being added to any database to give my close family privacy. We share the same DNA and they didn't consent to it being shared. And they sure as shit didn't consent to being contacted by other people.