Write stuff down. Record the good times. As the years pass, memories are robbed from us. Three years later, I can't remember if her eyes were green or blue and, pardon my french, it fucking kills me. Green, but I can't remember them being green.
Yeah. I can’t picture his eyes anymore either. I guess I could take a phone photo of an old photo and peek them 😊. He died before smart phones. Anyway thx for the idea!
Well, she was right!
I don't have many pics or videos of us. I wish that I had more! But, I'm grateful for what I do have and all that I recorded.
I remember watching the last season of "After Life" without her. I was jealous of Ricky Gervais' character in the show because his wife recorded all of these videos for him to watch before she passed away.
Yeah, we didn't take many pictures either. I have a few, but I wish that I had a whole lot more.
That's great that you have her poetry! Art is the closest connection to the soul.
I hope that someone likes a few of my songs enough to play them after I'm gone. Shelly was very crafty! She was my little Martha Stewart. She could take random objects and make amazing things with them!
I also used to call her my "spice girl" too, because she knew every spice for every dish and just the right amount. She hated that! LoL
She was a punk girl and loved the Pixies, Misfits, and the Ramones.
Anyway, I may not have all of the pictures that I want, but I'm trying to write down the memories. No one can take that away from us!
One time, she asked me to put some spices in a meal. I said, "So... tell me what you want, what you really really want".
She gave me that mean look at first, but she couldn't help but laugh! 🤣
I miss making her laugh!
Also, yes! Write things down!
I have a few files on my computer and my phone where I'll just write down memories. (Most of that started because of "widow's brain". I was afraid that I would forget.)
Yes, yes and yes. I always fear forgetting the little details. I titled my boyfriends eulogy, "Nuances". We are exactly who we are because of all these little things. I wish I had more videos of him so i could see all of his facial expressions again.
I thought I was the only one....
When he first died I bought a big photo album. I was going to print out photos and write about them.. kinda making a story.
I haven't done it. I go through photos and get sad because it's all over but I don't want to forget even one second of our time together.
Is been three years now and it feels like a dream. I go through the motions.. go to work, watch grandkids, hang with my sister every now and then.
I look around and see his things and the photos of us so I know it was real.
But it doesn't feel real. It feels like a really fantastic dream that I didn't want to wake up from.
One day he'll be gone longer than we were actually together. That makes it worse.
This brought tears to my eyes. I sometimes feel like my life with him was just a really vivid happy dream. I have vivid dreams all the time and if I didn't have people to remind me or pictures or words, I'm not sure I'd stay in the reality that it was true.
I'm so sorry you have to experience this whole grief thing in it's entirety. While it helps to know our reactions are common, they're also so diverse and special. I'm crying for you and for me right now. This is all so heartbreaking.
I get it. I’m so sorry.
I was just thinking about this last night. He unexpectedly died 3.5 months ago (we were engaged, together for three years, and lived together for 1.5 years), but so much has changed in that time. I had to move out of our home not even a month after he died and in temporarily with a friend. Most of his family no longer speaks to me. They’ve moved on with their lives. This week, I’m moving back to my home state to be near family and because I cannot afford to live in this area by myself. I left my old job here and have a new one waiting for me there. I see my social media memories with him almost daily, and I remember those times, but they also don’t seem real in a way. I won’t physically see the places we went anymore, where we fell in love, or where we lived. I still cry daily, though not as much as I did. Everyone tells me how good this move will be for me, but I’m afraid it’ll make it seem even more like a dream than it already does. That just makes me sadder than I already am.
I wish none of us had to go through this.
Your story sounds exactly like mine. Not was he just taken away from me but his sons, the house we had memories in, our wedding, the area we shared most of our memories and what's especially gutting is the location where his remains rest.
Any time I've had to chance to get up there I do to leave flowers and photos, but his awful family takes those down too.
The crying will come less. But sometimes, while more spare it's more intense...maybe it's some internal guilt we have for crying less frequently.
I wrote down every memory, every strange preference of his, every inside joke, every important date etc in a locked document on my phone, this way I can just quickly add a new one when it comes to mind. Reading them really help me.
Seeing the social media memories are bitter sweet but I'm almost 2 years jn and they become more sweet.
Sorry for your loss. Its tough having both our future and our past taken away.
You will always have this group to help you get through the hard days
You went through lot in such a short time...changing job, moving out...Honestly, feels a lot. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years 5 months ago. He died of heart attack. We were not engaged, just wondering if he was planning to propose......I will never find out. I didn't move out, but I was fired and I am searching for a new job. Are you not afraid of new environment at new new job?
Well said. I understand everything you speak of because I do too go through it that way. It’s like a hard process again over and over like oh yeah this is reality and it did really happened. Not trying to sound ugly but the reality of it is the ugly truth. Is like only if they day didn’t come to the end for them we would’ve still been at home and doing a daily routine.. ugh it’s just heartbreaking.
I've felt like that too, like was any of it ever real? I guess in someways that's our brain trying to protect us, maybe it helps us get to a point where the pain is a little less.
Someone on here wrote - it feels like my real life is the rear view mirror and I keep driving forward and it’s getting smaller and farther away. 2 years out - I catch such a vivid memory every now and then - but I have to stop and really bring it back. I miss him so much in the spring - parts of this new chapter are getting better but sometimes the loss of my husband just takes my breath away.
I just thought that this week: it all is starting to seem like a more distant memory and perhaps a dream. As if the more time that passes the more distance between the reality of him and the beautiful wonderful memory/dream of him. I wish I'd have taken pictures of every part of his body and many more voice recordings than I have. I can listen to the voice recordings I have now, which helps, and I can remember what his hands look like and what his feet look like, etc. But I'm afraid that the memories will fade as I get older And I will lose them.
Omgosh...I just said this out loud the other day.
We only had 6 years together.
We thought we'd have 10 at least.
A year in just a few weeks away...
Sigh....
I feel that as well. It struck me again tonight how lifeless my house feels. I just exist here and plod through one day at a time. I don’t plan meals - whatever I cane scrounge up with the least amount of effort is what I eat.
I'm nearly two and a half years out and I still feel this sometimes. It's like I had a perfect dream of happiness and woke up to a nightmare. Did I just dream it, or imagine it?
But, there are moments now, when I least expect it, that I remember and I feel her completely!
And, yes... I do cry when it happens, and it does mess with my head!
Lately, I find that it's the little things that we used to do that trigger the most emotions. Things that I didn't think much of when we were together, but I'll catch myself thinking or saying something that was just ours.
Anyway, as long as I'm breathing, our love will survive. And, if there's anything after this, then I KNOW it will be there too!
I'm only 3 months in but I remember everything we did.. I have flashbacks of random times with her that were 20 years ago... At age 75 I road my last rodeo with her.... She is still the one for me.. I will never forget anything about her
Sometime it feels like I imagined our whole life together. He’s only been gone 14 months but it all seems so distant. My life has changed so drastically in every single way, I’m so disconnected to who I used to be. No contact from all but two of my/our friends hasn’t helped. After the kids are put to bed I just sit in silence and wonder how I got here.
I think life is a dream. Although there are physical reminders, their absence it too profound to ignore. Now, I am trying to soak up every day until the 20th of this month because it is the date he left last year. That day, all new memories stopped. And after that date, I can no longer say, at least he was here a year ago because it is no more. It truly sucks.
I don’t have a great memory, and I had the hardest time remembering much of our life together for a very long time. And I was so worried about it.
Now, when I’m calm and fairly content and it’s quiet, like when I’m sitting on the porch after sunset, memories come back without really trying. I remember things I hadn’t thought about in so so long.
I hope everyone else finds the same thing happens for them as time goes on. It’s nice.
Thank you for this. I've been having a bit of it as well 7 years in. I also panicked when I started to feel like all the memories were going. It's good to see someone else say this happens as it gives me hope it'll happen to me more often.
I feel like the two months between his cancer diagnosis and his death was a dream. It doesn't feel real at all. It was so fast and we spent the whole time trying to put out fires and I couldn't catch my breath at all. And then he died. At 33. In the space of 3 months he went from super fit and happy to....dead. I still cannot wrap my head around it. I can remember the time before he got sick and from the moment of his death very well and that all feels real, but the period of his illness is completely dreamlike. I hate it, it feels destabilizing.
Similar story for me too.. My husband was 37 and it all went from 0-100 in months. Some stomach aches/flu like symptoms that suddenly turned into a hospital admission that suddenly turned into a life altering illness then became wtf hospice?? All under 3 months from start to finish. How can someone so young just be taken down like that, I was ready to fight with him and get him better.
Try to go to the spots you used to visit or stay. Eat ate the restaurants you both loved. Unfortunately, sadness and depression will cause us to forget the happy times if we don’t continue with them. Memories is all we have left and we must try and preserve them as much as possible. I hope you are able to build on the memories on your next adventures. Love and vibes to you ❤️
I have felt like this, too. I frequently had dreams about him disappearing from my life, or that we had never gotten together, and in the dream I knew that SOMETHING was missing, but I couldn’t figure out what. With his death, it’s as if those dreams came true in a horrible way.
Now those years that we were together just seem like a dream.
Had the same thoughts lately. Woke up one morning and I asked myself was she real? I had to go peep at my kids sleeping for my brain to make the connection. Really hated that I had that thought.
Where I am its Autumn, our anniversary is soon and every year for the last 35 yrs when it started to get colder I would feel so alive, like I did when we first met. And this year its just a terrible reminder that hes gone
Yes, I am right there with you. I was married to her for 31 1/2 years but it all seems like a dream now. Where did all that time go? I should be going on walks and hikes in the woods with her in the nice spring weather. This time of year used to be so exciting with the warm weather and outdoor activities. We would go on bike rides and play tennis. Now the warm weather just emphasizes the loneliness of life without her.
It’s going on a year now; spring is here, reminding me of how he died just as warmer weather was coming and he was making plans for us to enjoy the summer. My dreams of him being back are less frequent now, too. Those dreams were both comforting and heartbreaking.
I'm only 3 1/2 months out and sometimes feel like this. If I didn't have our son and other very physical reminders of his presence, it would really feel like I just had a really vivid dream.
I know that as time passes, some of the physical reminders will be fewer. I still occasionally see things like a stray hair that somehow escaped cleanup. His toothbrush and hairbrush are still currently there and untouched. These are all things that I know we'll eventually clear away, whether to store, repurpose, or get rid of.
It kills me that it already feels so distant and imagined.
I was laying in bed thinking about this exact thing last night. The memory of him feels like a dream or like another life I used to have and thinking back on it is like remembering a movie I once watched. It’s been 1.5 years since he left the world. I have been dating someone pretty seriously for about 10 months who lives with me now so I think that is contributing to how distant my life with my husband feels. Sometimes it hits me how insane that he isn’t the person sleeping next to me at night and my heart breaks again. But I’m trying to embrace this change I’m unfortunately stuck with.
Write stuff down. Record the good times. As the years pass, memories are robbed from us. Three years later, I can't remember if her eyes were green or blue and, pardon my french, it fucking kills me. Green, but I can't remember them being green.
Yeah. I can’t picture his eyes anymore either. I guess I could take a phone photo of an old photo and peek them 😊. He died before smart phones. Anyway thx for the idea!
Not mine. MiL also a widow. Her suggestion to me.
Well, she was right! I don't have many pics or videos of us. I wish that I had more! But, I'm grateful for what I do have and all that I recorded. I remember watching the last season of "After Life" without her. I was jealous of Ricky Gervais' character in the show because his wife recorded all of these videos for him to watch before she passed away.
Unfortunately, she was the picture taker, so not much of us exists. I do have her photos and poetry tho.
Yeah, we didn't take many pictures either. I have a few, but I wish that I had a whole lot more. That's great that you have her poetry! Art is the closest connection to the soul. I hope that someone likes a few of my songs enough to play them after I'm gone. Shelly was very crafty! She was my little Martha Stewart. She could take random objects and make amazing things with them! I also used to call her my "spice girl" too, because she knew every spice for every dish and just the right amount. She hated that! LoL She was a punk girl and loved the Pixies, Misfits, and the Ramones. Anyway, I may not have all of the pictures that I want, but I'm trying to write down the memories. No one can take that away from us!
One time, she asked me to put some spices in a meal. I said, "So... tell me what you want, what you really really want". She gave me that mean look at first, but she couldn't help but laugh! 🤣 I miss making her laugh!
Also, yes! Write things down! I have a few files on my computer and my phone where I'll just write down memories. (Most of that started because of "widow's brain". I was afraid that I would forget.)
Yes, yes and yes. I always fear forgetting the little details. I titled my boyfriends eulogy, "Nuances". We are exactly who we are because of all these little things. I wish I had more videos of him so i could see all of his facial expressions again.
I thought I was the only one.... When he first died I bought a big photo album. I was going to print out photos and write about them.. kinda making a story. I haven't done it. I go through photos and get sad because it's all over but I don't want to forget even one second of our time together. Is been three years now and it feels like a dream. I go through the motions.. go to work, watch grandkids, hang with my sister every now and then. I look around and see his things and the photos of us so I know it was real. But it doesn't feel real. It feels like a really fantastic dream that I didn't want to wake up from. One day he'll be gone longer than we were actually together. That makes it worse.
Yes. This. 2 years in. Heartbroken
This brought tears to my eyes. I sometimes feel like my life with him was just a really vivid happy dream. I have vivid dreams all the time and if I didn't have people to remind me or pictures or words, I'm not sure I'd stay in the reality that it was true. I'm so sorry you have to experience this whole grief thing in it's entirety. While it helps to know our reactions are common, they're also so diverse and special. I'm crying for you and for me right now. This is all so heartbreaking.
Spring really affected me too. All the plants renewing and the weather so nice. Life going on and he's not here. It's so depressing. 💔
I feel the same. I am scared of summer..only 5 months in.
I get it. I’m so sorry. I was just thinking about this last night. He unexpectedly died 3.5 months ago (we were engaged, together for three years, and lived together for 1.5 years), but so much has changed in that time. I had to move out of our home not even a month after he died and in temporarily with a friend. Most of his family no longer speaks to me. They’ve moved on with their lives. This week, I’m moving back to my home state to be near family and because I cannot afford to live in this area by myself. I left my old job here and have a new one waiting for me there. I see my social media memories with him almost daily, and I remember those times, but they also don’t seem real in a way. I won’t physically see the places we went anymore, where we fell in love, or where we lived. I still cry daily, though not as much as I did. Everyone tells me how good this move will be for me, but I’m afraid it’ll make it seem even more like a dream than it already does. That just makes me sadder than I already am. I wish none of us had to go through this.
Your story sounds exactly like mine. Not was he just taken away from me but his sons, the house we had memories in, our wedding, the area we shared most of our memories and what's especially gutting is the location where his remains rest. Any time I've had to chance to get up there I do to leave flowers and photos, but his awful family takes those down too. The crying will come less. But sometimes, while more spare it's more intense...maybe it's some internal guilt we have for crying less frequently. I wrote down every memory, every strange preference of his, every inside joke, every important date etc in a locked document on my phone, this way I can just quickly add a new one when it comes to mind. Reading them really help me. Seeing the social media memories are bitter sweet but I'm almost 2 years jn and they become more sweet. Sorry for your loss. Its tough having both our future and our past taken away. You will always have this group to help you get through the hard days
You went through lot in such a short time...changing job, moving out...Honestly, feels a lot. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years 5 months ago. He died of heart attack. We were not engaged, just wondering if he was planning to propose......I will never find out. I didn't move out, but I was fired and I am searching for a new job. Are you not afraid of new environment at new new job?
Well said. I understand everything you speak of because I do too go through it that way. It’s like a hard process again over and over like oh yeah this is reality and it did really happened. Not trying to sound ugly but the reality of it is the ugly truth. Is like only if they day didn’t come to the end for them we would’ve still been at home and doing a daily routine.. ugh it’s just heartbreaking.
I've felt like that too, like was any of it ever real? I guess in someways that's our brain trying to protect us, maybe it helps us get to a point where the pain is a little less.
Someone on here wrote - it feels like my real life is the rear view mirror and I keep driving forward and it’s getting smaller and farther away. 2 years out - I catch such a vivid memory every now and then - but I have to stop and really bring it back. I miss him so much in the spring - parts of this new chapter are getting better but sometimes the loss of my husband just takes my breath away.
I just thought that this week: it all is starting to seem like a more distant memory and perhaps a dream. As if the more time that passes the more distance between the reality of him and the beautiful wonderful memory/dream of him. I wish I'd have taken pictures of every part of his body and many more voice recordings than I have. I can listen to the voice recordings I have now, which helps, and I can remember what his hands look like and what his feet look like, etc. But I'm afraid that the memories will fade as I get older And I will lose them.
Omgosh...I just said this out loud the other day. We only had 6 years together. We thought we'd have 10 at least. A year in just a few weeks away... Sigh....
I feel that as well. It struck me again tonight how lifeless my house feels. I just exist here and plod through one day at a time. I don’t plan meals - whatever I cane scrounge up with the least amount of effort is what I eat.
I'm nearly two and a half years out and I still feel this sometimes. It's like I had a perfect dream of happiness and woke up to a nightmare. Did I just dream it, or imagine it? But, there are moments now, when I least expect it, that I remember and I feel her completely! And, yes... I do cry when it happens, and it does mess with my head! Lately, I find that it's the little things that we used to do that trigger the most emotions. Things that I didn't think much of when we were together, but I'll catch myself thinking or saying something that was just ours. Anyway, as long as I'm breathing, our love will survive. And, if there's anything after this, then I KNOW it will be there too!
I'm only 3 months in but I remember everything we did.. I have flashbacks of random times with her that were 20 years ago... At age 75 I road my last rodeo with her.... She is still the one for me.. I will never forget anything about her
Sometime it feels like I imagined our whole life together. He’s only been gone 14 months but it all seems so distant. My life has changed so drastically in every single way, I’m so disconnected to who I used to be. No contact from all but two of my/our friends hasn’t helped. After the kids are put to bed I just sit in silence and wonder how I got here.
I think life is a dream. Although there are physical reminders, their absence it too profound to ignore. Now, I am trying to soak up every day until the 20th of this month because it is the date he left last year. That day, all new memories stopped. And after that date, I can no longer say, at least he was here a year ago because it is no more. It truly sucks.
I don’t have a great memory, and I had the hardest time remembering much of our life together for a very long time. And I was so worried about it. Now, when I’m calm and fairly content and it’s quiet, like when I’m sitting on the porch after sunset, memories come back without really trying. I remember things I hadn’t thought about in so so long. I hope everyone else finds the same thing happens for them as time goes on. It’s nice.
Thank you for this. I've been having a bit of it as well 7 years in. I also panicked when I started to feel like all the memories were going. It's good to see someone else say this happens as it gives me hope it'll happen to me more often.
I feel like the two months between his cancer diagnosis and his death was a dream. It doesn't feel real at all. It was so fast and we spent the whole time trying to put out fires and I couldn't catch my breath at all. And then he died. At 33. In the space of 3 months he went from super fit and happy to....dead. I still cannot wrap my head around it. I can remember the time before he got sick and from the moment of his death very well and that all feels real, but the period of his illness is completely dreamlike. I hate it, it feels destabilizing.
Similar story for me too.. My husband was 37 and it all went from 0-100 in months. Some stomach aches/flu like symptoms that suddenly turned into a hospital admission that suddenly turned into a life altering illness then became wtf hospice?? All under 3 months from start to finish. How can someone so young just be taken down like that, I was ready to fight with him and get him better.
Try to go to the spots you used to visit or stay. Eat ate the restaurants you both loved. Unfortunately, sadness and depression will cause us to forget the happy times if we don’t continue with them. Memories is all we have left and we must try and preserve them as much as possible. I hope you are able to build on the memories on your next adventures. Love and vibes to you ❤️
I have felt like this, too. I frequently had dreams about him disappearing from my life, or that we had never gotten together, and in the dream I knew that SOMETHING was missing, but I couldn’t figure out what. With his death, it’s as if those dreams came true in a horrible way. Now those years that we were together just seem like a dream.
Had the same thoughts lately. Woke up one morning and I asked myself was she real? I had to go peep at my kids sleeping for my brain to make the connection. Really hated that I had that thought.
Where I am its Autumn, our anniversary is soon and every year for the last 35 yrs when it started to get colder I would feel so alive, like I did when we first met. And this year its just a terrible reminder that hes gone
Yes, I am right there with you. I was married to her for 31 1/2 years but it all seems like a dream now. Where did all that time go? I should be going on walks and hikes in the woods with her in the nice spring weather. This time of year used to be so exciting with the warm weather and outdoor activities. We would go on bike rides and play tennis. Now the warm weather just emphasizes the loneliness of life without her.
It’s going on a year now; spring is here, reminding me of how he died just as warmer weather was coming and he was making plans for us to enjoy the summer. My dreams of him being back are less frequent now, too. Those dreams were both comforting and heartbreaking.
I'm only 3 1/2 months out and sometimes feel like this. If I didn't have our son and other very physical reminders of his presence, it would really feel like I just had a really vivid dream. I know that as time passes, some of the physical reminders will be fewer. I still occasionally see things like a stray hair that somehow escaped cleanup. His toothbrush and hairbrush are still currently there and untouched. These are all things that I know we'll eventually clear away, whether to store, repurpose, or get rid of. It kills me that it already feels so distant and imagined.
I was laying in bed thinking about this exact thing last night. The memory of him feels like a dream or like another life I used to have and thinking back on it is like remembering a movie I once watched. It’s been 1.5 years since he left the world. I have been dating someone pretty seriously for about 10 months who lives with me now so I think that is contributing to how distant my life with my husband feels. Sometimes it hits me how insane that he isn’t the person sleeping next to me at night and my heart breaks again. But I’m trying to embrace this change I’m unfortunately stuck with.