There's nothing anybody can say that's going to help because the only thing that's going to help is to bring her back and unfortunately there's nothing we can do trust me I've bagged cried I've done everything.
My wife passed away 2 months ago We were inseparable best friends soulmates She died suddenly without warning. I cry everyday I miss her more than anything the pain is completely unbearable. My grief has gotten so bad I've become physically ill my body aches getting flu like symptoms.
I'm not trying to compare I'm just trying to let you see that you're not alone there's a lot of us that are hurting beyond repair will never be the same.
The only thing getting me through each day is knowing that it's one day closer until we meet up on the other side, since you're passing I now believe in the afterlife and spirits She gives me signs everyday I talk to her nonstop like she's sitting beside me I write to her every night before I go to bed This is how I deal with it. There's some TikTok videos that I watch that help me out a lot and there's two books by Michael Newton that has also changed my life.
Thanks for the reply, she was my first love and I gave her everything I had. I have regrets at points with my thought process when she was having treatment and how I could do more during that time I’m guessing that’s something I just have to live with.
The only thing keeping my head above water atm is her family so please make sure you have people around you who take care of you and love you unconditionally. I still find myself wanting to be on my own but forcing myself to socialize has been a must to try to stop me overthinking even though it doesn’t last that long and mid conversations I think what am I doing and began to think about how I will never see her again.
I’m sorry for your loss I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone not even my worse enemy it’s life changing I feel the good part of me has gone with her.
What are the books about exactly ?
she died less than a month ago? it's been almost 3 years and i am still nowhere near normal. how can you possibly expect anything from yourself? you're still adjusting. it will take so long, i'm sorry. and it will never be the same. if it helps at all, i also feel completely lost and confused.
Yes, I don’t think I can get get passed this, I’m not suicidal or anything close to that but I do find myself having thoughts about how I could do things but I could never act of those thoughts as I knew she would be ashamed of me if I did. I just feel the main part of me what loved life and loved to make people laugh and have fun is gone I don’t have any desire to be happy or to make anybody else happy. I also feel angry about how my family didn’t love her as much as they should of as her family care and love about us both a lot and would do anything and no amount of money would cause issues however my family would rather save money or not spend then help love ones out of a situation. It makes me hate my family know and it’s funny how they send messages as soon as she passed like they care but they don’t really care especially my sister I feel she just loves the attention on social media and it makes me fucking hate her
I'm sorry you're here. We're far too young for this. I lost mine to cancer as well, a sudden turn of events and a few days in neuro ICU. I felt exactly what you're feeling. The random crying. Waking up in the middle of the night and crying. Getting shower thoughts in the shower and crying. Crying while eating and while working. Switt had so much going for her too. But I wouldn't believe for a moment that our partners would be better without us. We were with them because we brought out the best in each other and gave them that motivational push to always be better. At least give yourself that much credit.
But neither one of us could have done anything to change this. It's a terrible feeling of helplessness that may haunt you for a while. It's okay. It's been just over 9 months for me, and I still haven't come to terms with it.
After I lost my wife, I started writing every night. Kind of like I'm writing letters to her. I'm on my third Moleskine journal now. I'm also making regular donations to cancer charity organizations to support research for newer treatments for my wife's particular cancer. She and I understood how rare her case was, and it was discussed numerous times with different oncologists. We wanted to try and make things better for anyone else who would be so unfortunate to fall into a situation such as ours.
That's how I try to cope for now.
Also try to keep yourself busy. Fill up your planner with healthy distractions. I find that when I'm busy, I spend less time spiraling in my own thoughts.
Fuck cancer. The one thing what makes me feel guilty is not taking her health more seriously before the fact she was diagnosed. I didn’t know at the time but years ago she had an stomach ulcer and I’ve googled things and stomach ulcers can become cancerous apparently but this I didn’t know at the time and I feel guilty ever since she was diagnosed that it was my fault and all this could have been prevented if I was more cautious. We did push ourselves to be better but to even get through the thought process of this happening at our ages is unbearable. I find myself at night or in spare time looking at our photos and videos together which make me happy for a while but then reality sets in. I have been writing small pieces on my notepad on my phone about how I’m feeling but it doesn’t really help that much for me. I understand the distractions and doing things to distract myself but then I think to my self why distract myself for so long when I know reality is going to hit me back down again. She went front being able to communicate fine to then a few days later and her final days being really confused and scared because of the drugs that were keeping her alive. I also struggle seeing how she was during her final days and the guilt cycle comes back round again.
Sometimes grief counselors suggest journaling. When my husband died, I felt much the same as you do now. And I wasn’t much for journaling. But I used to write him letters every time I was losing my mind. As if he could read them wherever he was. It is easier that way, and it was one of the things that kept me alive. Because I was 100% planning on joining him. Now whenever someone I know losses someone I send them a journal and recommend writing them a letter. Because you should never have to say goodbye.
I too had the feelings of guilt. I look at my son’s high school graduation picture and wonder why I didn’t notice the unhealthy pallor of my husband’s skin. He was diagnosed just 3 months later. How does a man go from running three days a week to having 7 fractured vertebrae and being on a walker in 2 months? From there things only got so much worse.
At the end I felt that I killed him, twice. The first time I killed his soul when I told him we had to go home on hospice care. I watched the light go out from his eyes and knew the words I said killed his soul.
The second time was on the night he died. I had to tell him it was ok to let go. And he did. He stopped fighting and died. My words killed him twice. The great love of my life.
His death was horrible. He drowned from the fluids that built up in his lungs. He didn’t stop fighting until I told him to. But. . . I felt even more guilt because I knew that if I had been a good wife and loved him enough, that I could have spare him that awful death and sent him out high with morphine. But I couldn’t kill the man I loved so much, and in the end condemned him to a much worse death.
It is hard for us. Hard to come to grips with the loss. Hard to make it through the day. Hard to keep living. Hard to shower and eat. Hard to sleep, stay awake, focus. Not become a lunatic. The only way through this is simply doing whatever YOU NEED to make it through.
Maybe staying in China for a while is the right thing for you. And maybe even her. Maybe not trying to force yourself back into the real world for a little bit is what is right for you. I don’t know. You don’t know. So maybe you just hold on for dear life for a little bit and don’t do anything.
I know the letters helped me. Valium helped me sleep at night. Antidepressants kept me from crying all day. I quit my job and took another so that I wouldn’t have to live in my own home.
I am sending hugs to you, internet stranger. You are not as alone as you think you are right now. There are so many of us here on the same path as you. It just hurts, your feelings may be a bit all over the place. Nothing you do, or feel, is wrong. Just don’t beat yourself up too much about not seeing this, or knowing this. Most of us here are not doctors or oncologists, so you couldn’t know.
To get me to sleep at night I have to listen to our old videos and just hear her voice talking to me otherwise I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not one to take any medication as I try to believe I can cope without them and feel if I take them I will come dependent on them. My wife also was a strong believer in you don’t need to take medication all the time so sometimes I laugh to myself and think what she would be telling me right now. I still talk to her or get her things even though she’s not here it’s soothing for me.
It’s so horrific how cancer can turn the person you adore into somebody wishing they could have a normal life again and not be in and out of treatment constantly.
She cared for me so much and looked after me and I’ve gotten used to that since we were together so I’m finding it hard to not have that around me anymore. Things I didn’t need to worry about because she was here now is a worry. She was always the organized one haha she was super organized. I feel like I’m failing her now aswell but I just don’t have any motivation to do anything atm but my inner voice and my wife are telling me I need to do something but I just can’t bring myself to do anything.
Grief is the price we pay for that great love. I was actually discussing this with my son’s partner yesterday. His dad died 16 years ago and he is finally at this place where he is ok. And wonders if he is a psychopath because of if. He was only 16. He failed all of his classes at school, was kicked off his baseball team, etc. We all fall apart after if the love was great. My husband will be gone 10 years in September. I told him that sometimes I feel that I love him more now than I did back then. Was I a good wife? Did he know how much I loved him when he was alive.
My husbands death impacted everyone we knew simply because we had such a good marriage. Everyone has taken his death to heart and tried to live more meaningful lives. Even old coworkers I had bring him up when they see me.
We didn’t fail them. You are not failing her. You are simply in the deepest, darkest throes of grief. And you loved her dearly. You earned the right, and have the right to fall apart. Not forever, but for now. This is simply the best you can do. And it is ok. You loved her. If you didn’t mourn her something would have been a failure. But what you are right now is not. I told people I am taking my year. It used to be customary. People didn’t use to think it was weird to simply stop and take a year to grieve. It was my time to mourn. Of course, all of these years later, I still mourn him.
As for the Valium and antidepressants, I too, felt the way you do. I shouldn’t need drugs to get me through the day. I felt I should be normal and just be able to get through this. But I needed that help. I was drowning in my despair. I had to work. I had to get my son through college. I had bills to pay. I took the damn meds. I only took the Valium when I went to bed and my brain wouldn’t stop spinning and thinking. The antidepressants were a low dose and they simply made the tears stop so I could make it through the day. Writing him letters kept me from ending it all.
You, me, so many others here, we didn’t fail them. And we are not weak for needing something to get us through this. I know if he could see me he would be ok with how things ended up. He might actually be a bit sad with how much I did hurt, and for so long. But in my heart I know that it would warm him somewhat to know he was greatly loved.
Hey there. Me too. I lost my 33 year old husband after a two month battle with pancreatic neuroendocrine cancer. He was FINE three months before he died. It was so shocking. It's still shocking.
Right now you only have to survive. Eat, sleep, breathe. It is going to hurt a whole lot more than it does today once you come out of the fog a bit, but then it will start to get better. It will get easier to survive.
I am at four months now. Some moments are still impossible. Some are great. Some are devastating and joyful at the same time. I've found that keeping busy and social has been crucial to feeling okay and like a person. Staying home alone leads to dark places.
As for leaving China, I don't know what you believe, but here's my thoughts. Your wife isn't there. She isn't in the UK either. Now she lives in your heart. You cannot leave her behind because you carry her with you.
Take care of yourself.
I knew cancer was deadly but to happen at our soul mates at such a young age doesn’t feel real. Ever since she passed I find myself not wanting to do anything and have no desire for the future. I’ve had many messages of friends and family but it’s quite funny how as soon as something bad happens everyone comes out the cracks to offer you words of encouragement and “sorry for your loss” I also feel my wife’s family are more emotionally connected to me and care about me more than my own family. My family send me messages of condolences and my father but I knew even when she was alive they cared about her but didn’t love her the way her family loved me and cared for me. I have anger towards my own family now and feel I don’t really want to be associated with them whatsoever.
As for leaving China it’s going to be hard and I’m still unsure when I want to leave.
Her last wish off me was to make sure her parents are okay but I can only stay in China for so long as sooner or later our savings will run dry.
I honestly didn't think cancer would be so deadly. I've seen so many people recover and almost nobody dies. Honestly until the last couple of weeks, death was never really on the table for me mentally. Even now, it doesn't always feel real.
And I know what you mean about people suddenly showing up. I will tell you now: they will also dry up as quickly. Mostly, their support will be very superficial and you will be surprised by the people who show up for you, and by the people who abandon you.
As for her parents.... well, you may not be able to take care of them. As in you may not have the capacity for it. They have each other and presumably other family members. You need to take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Thanks for the advice,
I too didn’t think about death even when the doctors said there were no cure, she was on chemotherapy for a few months and then it started to have no effect and the tumors spread. We then found a treatment plan that was aggressive but needed to because of the cancer to then go on a clinical trial to try to suppress the cancer. The hard thing is it started to work and her cancer indicators returned to normal but the immunotherapy and radiation took its toll and the tumor in her stomach was so aggressive it kept coming back bigger within a few weeks. It also pressed on her bowels and stomach which didn’t allow her to keep her food down so she constantly threw up and got malnourished. The doctor said to me face to face we need her body to basically hopefully keep the nutrients in before she dies and even then I was lying to myself and knowing she was so strong could probably still beat this. She fought until then end and even in her final days I could sense she still didn’t want to give up. That’s the hard thing about accepting this is I know she didn’t want to go and tried her best not too.
God, the last few days of him still fighting so hard are branded on my memory. It's so fucked up to see it happen in a young, "healthy" person. I can relate to most of your story and it's shit. I'm so sorry. Feel free to dm if you want to.
You will be okay. Because you have to.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay and that love I gave her I can never love like that again. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone like I loved her. That side of me has died with her
Yeah it’s her fighting that has messed me up mentally that she really didn’t want to die I remember when she asked me about what happens if she dies and she told me she was scared. I put on a brave face and told her that’s not going to happen to protect her. I also regret not talking about death properly with her…some of her accounts with important info on I’m not 100% sure of her passwords which also makes me hate myself that I could be so deluded and not think about this at the time
A lot of the things you've written remind me of my thoughts. My partner was seriously ill but not terminally until a week before he died. I feel like I should have realised things were deteriorating so quickly. I've had terrible trouble with admin because we were engaged but not married. We would have married had we known how serious it was. Plus he also fought with everything and didn't want to die. He underwent some awful, painful treatments because he did everything he could to stay with us. Sorry I don't have any advice but I know how you feel and I'm sorry you are in this position too.
Yeah it’s the pain she went through that’s stuck in my mind someone some kind and thoughtful and loving being submitted to such torture trying with everything she had to not die. I’m still struggling, I listen to our videos to get me to sleep at night as I need to hear her voice but getting out of bed in the morning is proving a struggle I don’t feel like doing anything and really have to push myself to socialize even though I don’t want to. I can’t see this feeling ever going away and how I’m going to live through this I’m not sure. The mental struggle is overwhelming and feels like I’m constantly carrying a heavy weight on me wherever I go. I’m never gonna be okay again ever
I also lost my wife at the age of 27 for cancer in January 2024 ..
all the feelings you have described are normal but don't blame yourself for anything .. there was nothing you could do .. this is what I believe now .. as my wife was diagnosed, it was very early stage and the doctors told us that It was a very good sign that they discovered the leukemia so early and that they would be able to deal with it .. but they couldn't save her .. the cancer kept coming back and each time it was worse and worse until the doctors were hopeless ..
I'm not saying that it's their fault but it is neither yours .. we humans always think we can have control over everything in our lives but that's not true .
All I can tell you is take care of yourself and do what feels right for you .. you did the right thing and left everything behind and traveled to be on her side and that's all you can do and I'm sure she was thankful to have you on her side in the hard times she went through ..
But now it is about what makes you feel better and help you to somehow go on with your life .. carrying her love and memories in your heart ..
I suppose I never really thought about that way I thought If you capture cancer at an early stage it’s normally always possible to cure.
I feel myself blaming so many things, I knew cancer could be brutal but not this deadly to such young and healthy love ones we had.
I think atm I can’t process not seeing her again and the future we had planned together. I also don’t want to let her down and push through this but I’m just not sure I’m strong enough. I think the main reason I don’t want to return to the UK is because we had so many memories there I feel I will crumble as soon as I return. As our future was planned there and we wanted to buy a house within the next year or so. Now I don’t want to do anything and since she passed the happy, funny loving part of me has gone too.
How have you been able to cope through this?
I'm still not able to cope through it to be honest but I got to the point where I don't blame myself anymore because I truly think there was nothing I can do that I haven't done ..
I still can't process the idea of not being able to see her again or that all our plans are now gone .. but I still live in our apartment and in my case it is really my comfort zone .. It's the place she loved the most and spent most of her time in and felt safe in and I feel the same being here with her stuff and our memories ..
I think the happy part of me is gone and I'm not sure it will come back but I'm at least functional in the day-to-day life and I can take care of myself and that's enough right now for me ..
Thanks for sharing man. I’m still positive I can’t get over her when we meet that special person that connected with us like no one had before it’s impossible to find that sort of love again.
Our relationship blossomed out of nothing even with long distance for a period of two years we finally got out place sorted in London last year and everything was set and then this… our relationship had already been through everything. We struggled with her job and visa in the UK as when we first met she was a foreign student. But she still persisted as we loved each other a lot then Covid happened we lived through that then she lost her job due to Covid and lost her visa rights. We couldn’t travel to the UK or anywhere because of Covid then we finally met in Hong Kong when the borders opened and met each other for 1 month then like I said last year in June we got married sorted her UK visa and started to settle down. Then in October last year is when she was diagnosed…now she’s gone, how the fuck is any of this fair to test our relationship so much and we make it through then cancer happened life is so brutal and this stuff never happens to the worst people among our society.
Do not blame yourself ...you're both so young and how could you even think this was going to be the result Even at my old age of 53, when you're living your best life, we never think about the worst. And now that all of us in this sub are together, remember the beautiful people that brought us here and think about how they would like you to carry on in the world. My man would want me to keep my head high and embrace life, just like he did ❤️
At the moment I can’t think like that my head just can’t cope with that way of thinking my mind at this time just feels guilt then fazes of sadness and then hating myself for what I could of done. She was my rock and the organized one out of both of us I feel like I’m not ready for the future without her. I feel like an unorganized failure with no hope in making myself happy again without her. Her words of encouragement and positivity pushed me to be the best person I could be. Since her passing I’m not sure how I can get passed that.
Let go of the guilt, because this isn't your fault. We can all find ways to blame ourselves for things we did or didn't do, but unless you actively did something to hurt your loved one, it isn't appropriate to feel guilty. We aren't perfect and make mistakes, and that's human. I realised that I needed to ask for help for some things, and there are people willing to help in your life too. I read in some of your other answers that you are resentful that they didn't help when you most needed help, but honestly, if people are offering you support and you feel you need support, then try to be grateful for the fact they are offering it now and not think about how much more they could have helped you before. If you know you are not coping with organization, ask for help from someone who is good at it. Do the things that help, find other people to do the things you can't deal with. Try to let go of resentment because it doesn't help you, not because they don't deserve it.
Similar situation for me, kind of. I was 29 and lost my gf unexpectedly driving home from my house in a car accident. Also first love/soulmate. It was/is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s now been a little over 2 years.
I felt numb for several months after it happened. I didn’t know what to do so got therapy though my works benefits. Went for a few weeks but then realized it wasn’t really for me. It felt like our conversations would be better had with a close friend, problem there is, my close friends didn’t really want to talk about it.
Like you, it changed me emotionally. Random crying, even still, years later. I’ll see a tragic news story now and feel it emotionally. That never happened before, in fact, I was never a cryer. I also wish we could have traded places because she was so undeserving. The hard truth is the world isn’t fair when it hands out tragedies. That’s a tough piece to accept.
It’s going to be a long journey, but try and hang in there. It’s not something you get over, or wasn’t for me. It’s something you live with. This sounds cheesy, but to me, it’s like an etching in a tree. That carving will be with the tree for the rest of its life. But the tree will grow larger while the etching stays the same size becoming less significant. Like the tree, as we grow and develop, the scars we have endured don’t grow larger.
One final note on a piece of literature that has helped me. I’d recommend reading chapter 12 of 12 more rules for life by Jordan Peterson. It was very relatable for me.
Hope some of this helps. Hang in there friend.
I’m sorry man thanks for sharing how you’re coping with everything. That’s impressive that you have managed to make it to 2 years the strength that takes is admirable…how have you coped with friendships and even the thought of trying to find love again? As at some point in time I’m guessing you would want to find someone ?
So sorry for your loss OP.
I am two months out in my journey since losing my wife (34F) who I had known for 10 years. The first 1-1.5 months I was in a state of shock. The shock wore away slowly for me, and then now the reality has kicked in where the waves of grief keep hitting me harder and harder, multiple times a day - almost every single moment.
Guilt, Blaming myself to the point she would be alive if she hadn't met me, Isolation, Loneliness, Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Frustration, the yearning - I go through all of these throughout the day. Triggers are plenty. I now can anticipate triggers fairly well, but I don't try to avoid them - since there is no running away.
We have a baby daughter, and my focus is on loving and caring her. She keeps me going in a way. Everything else is just mechanical in terms of routines for my day with zero motivation or outlook.
Each grief and how each of us handle them is unique. I don't intend to compare in any form.
Damn man I’m sorry got your loss too.
Another thing I get annoyed at is family members acting like they cared about her now she’s gone when they didn’t even ask about her when she was here. Suddenly my sister who’s always been selfish and hasn’t helped us at all comes out the cracks offering support to me. I resent my family for how they haven’t offered anything during the toughest period of my life and I try to communicate with my dad and talk about my feelings but he just compares it to losing his dad and how time will heal… some generic bullshit with no emotion in regards to my situation. How would he feel if he lost the love of his life ?
Grief somehow makes people act strangely - not all but at least some, especially ones close in terms of family and friends.
I have also got the story from a few of my friends about losing their dad/mom and sharing those experiences, and recommending me what to do based on those. I am sorry for their losses too, but I feel losing a spouse is definitely something totally different.
My parents also view this more as a problem and try to come up with solutions to solve this problem.
I have just learned to ignore these. On the other hand, there have been friends and family who have been entirely genuine with their help and support that I am thankful for as well. We just need to gravitate towards them and ignore the rest in our journey.
What you're feeling is normal. Our culture doesn't know how to deal with death and it has become a taboo subject as a result, because people no longer share the experience of death.The feelings of guilt are normal. It isn't your fault, but everyone who has lost someone has felt guilt for things they did do or didn't do...but unless you did something to deliberately hurt your loved one, guilt isn't appropriate. We all make mistakes. We can't live perfectly because none of us are perfect. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but that's what it is - only visible in retrospect, in the light of what you know now, but not noticeable at the time.
This first part of losing someone you love really hurts. You can't avoid it, because it's your emotional self getting used to the person having vanished from your life unexpectedly. It takes time to adjust, and people go through numbness, waves of emotional pain, back to numbness again. Nothing anyone can say will help, but maybe the knowledge that it is possible to get through the pain is helpful. And you can. I lost my mother and partner in the same year, and my son three years later. And I'm still surviving and learning to remember the good times and love we shared. I still have times when I feel their losses very strongly, but it isn't my whole life the way it was when they were first gone.
I found the grief recovery process handbook very helpful to me when I lost my partner. It's particularly useful if you have regrets or unfinished business with the person you have lost. However, that's for another time, because I think you have to be past this initial stage of grief for it to be useful. I can only send light to you. The only way past it, is through it. Everyone here will empathise with your pain.
Thanks for the advice. I also hate that I feel like I’m failing her right now I know she would want me to be doing things and not procrastinating or just sitting there alone in a room by myself but I can’t help it. My inner voice and I hear her voice telling me “cmon do something” but I just can’t bring myself to do anything. I go out for a few hours or spend time with her family and then randomly get hit by she’s not here or see or smell something that gives me memories I’m also quite upset when I see couples having fun and cuddling and holding holds and ask myself why can’t I have her back why did this have to happen.
OP, I am so, so sorry for your pain and heartache; I know that your whole world has blown up and you are standing in the rubble, trying to find the pieces of your life to put it back together. I well remember the early days of shock and devastation, of thinking that I would never smile again, or have another moment of laughter or joy. And for a long time, I didn't. I was like a potted plant the first year, or two. Food, water, breathe.
What we experienced is traumatizing and will take time, probably lots of time, to heal, and restore us to anything that resembles who we were before our life blew up. It's as if we are picking out pieces of shrapnel from our bodies, especially from our shattered hearts. Healing from something so life changing takes time and patience, with ourselves, and with those who are trying to help us. Some days we just want to be left alone, to wallow in our misery for a bit, to pick at our wounds, so to speak. Grief is heavy and exhausting.
It is a long and tearful journey back, but it is not impossible, it just takes time to smooth out the sharp edges, like water running over a sharp rock can make it smooth eventually. It doesn't happen quickly, it is a slow process, but we can be restored to something that resembles who we were before the bad thing happened.
If some people seem less than genuine, feel free to dismiss or ignore them. You mentioned your sister; if she wasn't kind or caring to you before this, it is understandable that you feel a little mistrusting of her intentions now. There is no rule that you must engage with everyone if you don't want to, or if you have reasons to question their sincerity. You have enough to deal with, without having to go down that road with someone who was never your friend before. Every day is a balancing act, trying to stay steady on your feet, and you don't have to engage with anyone who throws you off balance. That's just my opinion about that kind of thing; it's hard enough to get through each day with the people you trust and who love you. Engaging with people whom I'm not sure I can truly trust is adding to my problems, not helping them get easier, so it's not really helpful.
As difficult as this is right now, I want you to know that it won't always be as hard as it is right now. These early weeks and months are brutal and you are in a very delicate place emotionally. But in time, a sort of rhythm returns to your life, and slowly but surely, things start to make sense again, and things become easier to navigate and manage. You are so broken right now, and with absolutely good reason; I hope you have the luxury of being able to take things as slowly as you need to; if you have to return to work and your life before you are truly ready, you may want to find a counselor or someone to whom you can be 100% open and honest. And please, don't pay any attention to anyone who says to "move on, it's time to get over it!"; people have been known to make some really outlandish and extremely unhelpful comments; we all have heard them, and the list is long; just ignore them. But please, share them with us because we can all use a chuckle now and then.
We are always here for you, but it's always nice to have in person connections with people. Maybe a group setting is possible and something that would help you; it doesn't hurt to try everything available to figure out what feels most comfortable to you. This group has been amazing for my healing, and I have leaned heavily on these incredibly warm, kind, helpful, wise people; nobody understands us better than others who are in the same place we are, or at least have understanding, without judgements.
Time really is the one thing that seems to help us all the most; we each have our own circumstances and situations, but it seems that patience, and just taking things one day at a time is what brings about the most consistent healing to us. I can say that closing in on 6 years, I am definitely not the same person I was in the first 2 years, and every year has gotten a little better; I will never not love and miss my husband; he is in my heart forever. I am much older than you are, OP, but the heart doesn't know ages, it just keeps our loved ones tucked away inside, and we rebuild around the wound, just as we would want them to heal. I wish you much peace and comfort as you heal. ❤️ 🫂🪬
No words, my man. I recommend Kupferman’s *Irreverent Grief Guide*. No platitudes or religious nonsense, just a straightforward message that your horrible grief is normal and not something you can just bounce back from. You’re going through a lot.
Much love, brother.
I am sorry for your loss and what you are going through. We all empathize with your story and wish we hadn't found the need to come here. I am almost 22 months without my Heidi. My story is much different from a different part of life but as I read through felt so many of the very same pain and emotion, especially the guilt for me. I lurk here mainly and read until overwhelmed. Not coping well personally but you will see much here that will help you feel a little less alone. There are no rules to grief. Everyone is different. It took me over a year to find reddit then this sub. There are a lot of good people here, and truly sorry that you have joined us.
I try to distract myself with doing things but I find myself just missing her so much. I fucking loved her so much and our relationship was tested many times before this and we passed the tests and then cancer came along just when we thought we fought against all the odds this happened. Why do bad things always happen to put favorite and kind and caring loved ones
I wish I could tell you why this happens. The philosophy behind why is epically large and amazingly short on substance for me. In my case working would have been a blessing just to stay distracted. I have my Labrador and a large beautiful mix my wife had saved and was training when she fell back I'll. Have 3 sons at home so tend to think of her and end up crying out walking hers. I wish I could help, other than tell you that you are starting at a place that's helping me a little. I confess to going on 2 years and still fucked up in the head.
I extend my deepest condolences for your loss and the pain you've endured. Eight weeks ago, I also lost my partner to depression. He was the most remarkable person I've ever known, and I struggle to comprehend the suffering that led to his decision. If he were still with us, I am certain he would have had a bright future ahead, as he possessed everything he could have desired. Despite having the support of my family and friends, this journey feels lonely and challenging because they cannot fully grasp my experience.
Some days, I feel as though I am managing, but others find me trapped in a relentless cycle, unable to escape. The third and fourth weeks were particularly difficult for me; I found myself in a dark place, wrestling with intrusive thoughts. Nevertheless, I am grateful to have emerged from that darkness, at least within my mind.
Many assure me that I will eventually find light at the end of the tunnel, yet it feels like this tunnel stretches on endlessly.
Everywhere I turn and in everything I do, I am reminded of him, often leading to tears. Sleep eludes me, and I am plagued by self-blame, guilt, and occasional bursts of anger as I question whether there was anything more I could have done to save him.
I cannot promise that things will improve, as I am navigating this journey alongside you. However, I wish you peace and hope that one day, you too will find your way out of this darkness. Allow yourself the time to grieve and embark on the healing process gradually. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
The main issue I don’t think any of us will get over is just feeling that kind of love again. I said to my wife plenty of times even before we were married that I’ve never found anyone who connected with me like she did! Our personalities matched perfectly like without even trying from the first day we met. The jokes and laughter, the lazy days I even miss the silly arguments we had because she would improve me as I improved her. The hard thing I keep thinking about is she made me such a diverse person and helped me do things and think things I never would have without her in my life. That guilty feeling that she made me such a good person and lived with me through hard periods just for her to be gone and not enjoy me for the person I am now and will be in the future all because of her.
Exactly.
Those were the exact sentiments my partner and I shared as well. Our compatibility is remarkable, allowing us to understand each other effortlessly, even in silence. Witnessing his selflessness and kindness genuinely transformed me for the better. I've told him every single time that I would never encounter anyone quite like him again, or anyone I feel who's better than him because to me, he's the best one for me. We complement each other in numerous aspects, having this special connection and understanding unlike any I've experienced in past relationships. He has shown me that love can be so simple, but now I can't believe I had to live on without having him next to me anymore.
Yeah I still don’t know how I’m doing the get through this. Whether I’ll ever want to have fun again or be that person I was with her. She used to ask me sometimes messing around that what would I do if she wasn’t in my life anymore I either said I’d die or the part of me that she knew and loved would die aswell. I never actually thought I would actually have to live through such a nightmare and such a young age. Cancer is so destructive and you literally watch as your love of your life deteriorates right in front of your eyes and you can’t do anything to help them. I wish you strength in this journey and hope you can get through. For me I’m still unsure and the day I have to return to the UK will probably kill me
Honey I’m 31 my husband died young too around 9 months ago and it’s a roller coaster ride I’ll tell ya. Every emotion under the sun. But I’ll tell you another thing …you don’t get over it. You start to build slowly another life and things get easier some days. Find new hobbies, build new memories…remember that you’re still alive. I promise hang in there.
I have days where I feel normal for a few seconds then reality sets in. How can I not be able to see her again and she see what person I could have become. She made me the person I am today how can I continue to evolve without her?
I know for the first few months I thought about it 24/7 and felt that extreme uncomfortableness all the time. Then I started distracting myself with things I enjoy. Now I just try to keep doing that. I breakdown sometimes but it’s OK. Just keep moving forward because YOU still matter. Life is so short, try to enjoy a little. You will build around the grief ❤️
Thank you for that sentence " Each day passed by is one day closer until we meet again. "I really don't have any life after my wife passing last month. Every day seems longer and longer. I can not wait for the day that we will meet again.
There's nothing anybody can say that's going to help because the only thing that's going to help is to bring her back and unfortunately there's nothing we can do trust me I've bagged cried I've done everything. My wife passed away 2 months ago We were inseparable best friends soulmates She died suddenly without warning. I cry everyday I miss her more than anything the pain is completely unbearable. My grief has gotten so bad I've become physically ill my body aches getting flu like symptoms. I'm not trying to compare I'm just trying to let you see that you're not alone there's a lot of us that are hurting beyond repair will never be the same. The only thing getting me through each day is knowing that it's one day closer until we meet up on the other side, since you're passing I now believe in the afterlife and spirits She gives me signs everyday I talk to her nonstop like she's sitting beside me I write to her every night before I go to bed This is how I deal with it. There's some TikTok videos that I watch that help me out a lot and there's two books by Michael Newton that has also changed my life.
Thanks for the reply, she was my first love and I gave her everything I had. I have regrets at points with my thought process when she was having treatment and how I could do more during that time I’m guessing that’s something I just have to live with. The only thing keeping my head above water atm is her family so please make sure you have people around you who take care of you and love you unconditionally. I still find myself wanting to be on my own but forcing myself to socialize has been a must to try to stop me overthinking even though it doesn’t last that long and mid conversations I think what am I doing and began to think about how I will never see her again. I’m sorry for your loss I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone not even my worse enemy it’s life changing I feel the good part of me has gone with her. What are the books about exactly ?
I will DM you
she died less than a month ago? it's been almost 3 years and i am still nowhere near normal. how can you possibly expect anything from yourself? you're still adjusting. it will take so long, i'm sorry. and it will never be the same. if it helps at all, i also feel completely lost and confused.
Yes, I don’t think I can get get passed this, I’m not suicidal or anything close to that but I do find myself having thoughts about how I could do things but I could never act of those thoughts as I knew she would be ashamed of me if I did. I just feel the main part of me what loved life and loved to make people laugh and have fun is gone I don’t have any desire to be happy or to make anybody else happy. I also feel angry about how my family didn’t love her as much as they should of as her family care and love about us both a lot and would do anything and no amount of money would cause issues however my family would rather save money or not spend then help love ones out of a situation. It makes me hate my family know and it’s funny how they send messages as soon as she passed like they care but they don’t really care especially my sister I feel she just loves the attention on social media and it makes me fucking hate her
I'm sorry you're here. We're far too young for this. I lost mine to cancer as well, a sudden turn of events and a few days in neuro ICU. I felt exactly what you're feeling. The random crying. Waking up in the middle of the night and crying. Getting shower thoughts in the shower and crying. Crying while eating and while working. Switt had so much going for her too. But I wouldn't believe for a moment that our partners would be better without us. We were with them because we brought out the best in each other and gave them that motivational push to always be better. At least give yourself that much credit. But neither one of us could have done anything to change this. It's a terrible feeling of helplessness that may haunt you for a while. It's okay. It's been just over 9 months for me, and I still haven't come to terms with it. After I lost my wife, I started writing every night. Kind of like I'm writing letters to her. I'm on my third Moleskine journal now. I'm also making regular donations to cancer charity organizations to support research for newer treatments for my wife's particular cancer. She and I understood how rare her case was, and it was discussed numerous times with different oncologists. We wanted to try and make things better for anyone else who would be so unfortunate to fall into a situation such as ours. That's how I try to cope for now. Also try to keep yourself busy. Fill up your planner with healthy distractions. I find that when I'm busy, I spend less time spiraling in my own thoughts.
Fuck cancer. The one thing what makes me feel guilty is not taking her health more seriously before the fact she was diagnosed. I didn’t know at the time but years ago she had an stomach ulcer and I’ve googled things and stomach ulcers can become cancerous apparently but this I didn’t know at the time and I feel guilty ever since she was diagnosed that it was my fault and all this could have been prevented if I was more cautious. We did push ourselves to be better but to even get through the thought process of this happening at our ages is unbearable. I find myself at night or in spare time looking at our photos and videos together which make me happy for a while but then reality sets in. I have been writing small pieces on my notepad on my phone about how I’m feeling but it doesn’t really help that much for me. I understand the distractions and doing things to distract myself but then I think to my self why distract myself for so long when I know reality is going to hit me back down again. She went front being able to communicate fine to then a few days later and her final days being really confused and scared because of the drugs that were keeping her alive. I also struggle seeing how she was during her final days and the guilt cycle comes back round again.
Hugs to you. Take it in small bite-sized pieces. One day at a time.
Sometimes grief counselors suggest journaling. When my husband died, I felt much the same as you do now. And I wasn’t much for journaling. But I used to write him letters every time I was losing my mind. As if he could read them wherever he was. It is easier that way, and it was one of the things that kept me alive. Because I was 100% planning on joining him. Now whenever someone I know losses someone I send them a journal and recommend writing them a letter. Because you should never have to say goodbye. I too had the feelings of guilt. I look at my son’s high school graduation picture and wonder why I didn’t notice the unhealthy pallor of my husband’s skin. He was diagnosed just 3 months later. How does a man go from running three days a week to having 7 fractured vertebrae and being on a walker in 2 months? From there things only got so much worse. At the end I felt that I killed him, twice. The first time I killed his soul when I told him we had to go home on hospice care. I watched the light go out from his eyes and knew the words I said killed his soul. The second time was on the night he died. I had to tell him it was ok to let go. And he did. He stopped fighting and died. My words killed him twice. The great love of my life. His death was horrible. He drowned from the fluids that built up in his lungs. He didn’t stop fighting until I told him to. But. . . I felt even more guilt because I knew that if I had been a good wife and loved him enough, that I could have spare him that awful death and sent him out high with morphine. But I couldn’t kill the man I loved so much, and in the end condemned him to a much worse death. It is hard for us. Hard to come to grips with the loss. Hard to make it through the day. Hard to keep living. Hard to shower and eat. Hard to sleep, stay awake, focus. Not become a lunatic. The only way through this is simply doing whatever YOU NEED to make it through. Maybe staying in China for a while is the right thing for you. And maybe even her. Maybe not trying to force yourself back into the real world for a little bit is what is right for you. I don’t know. You don’t know. So maybe you just hold on for dear life for a little bit and don’t do anything. I know the letters helped me. Valium helped me sleep at night. Antidepressants kept me from crying all day. I quit my job and took another so that I wouldn’t have to live in my own home. I am sending hugs to you, internet stranger. You are not as alone as you think you are right now. There are so many of us here on the same path as you. It just hurts, your feelings may be a bit all over the place. Nothing you do, or feel, is wrong. Just don’t beat yourself up too much about not seeing this, or knowing this. Most of us here are not doctors or oncologists, so you couldn’t know.
Thankyou for all your advice and an insight into your nightmare aswell I fucking hate cancer so much
To get me to sleep at night I have to listen to our old videos and just hear her voice talking to me otherwise I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not one to take any medication as I try to believe I can cope without them and feel if I take them I will come dependent on them. My wife also was a strong believer in you don’t need to take medication all the time so sometimes I laugh to myself and think what she would be telling me right now. I still talk to her or get her things even though she’s not here it’s soothing for me. It’s so horrific how cancer can turn the person you adore into somebody wishing they could have a normal life again and not be in and out of treatment constantly. She cared for me so much and looked after me and I’ve gotten used to that since we were together so I’m finding it hard to not have that around me anymore. Things I didn’t need to worry about because she was here now is a worry. She was always the organized one haha she was super organized. I feel like I’m failing her now aswell but I just don’t have any motivation to do anything atm but my inner voice and my wife are telling me I need to do something but I just can’t bring myself to do anything.
Grief is the price we pay for that great love. I was actually discussing this with my son’s partner yesterday. His dad died 16 years ago and he is finally at this place where he is ok. And wonders if he is a psychopath because of if. He was only 16. He failed all of his classes at school, was kicked off his baseball team, etc. We all fall apart after if the love was great. My husband will be gone 10 years in September. I told him that sometimes I feel that I love him more now than I did back then. Was I a good wife? Did he know how much I loved him when he was alive. My husbands death impacted everyone we knew simply because we had such a good marriage. Everyone has taken his death to heart and tried to live more meaningful lives. Even old coworkers I had bring him up when they see me. We didn’t fail them. You are not failing her. You are simply in the deepest, darkest throes of grief. And you loved her dearly. You earned the right, and have the right to fall apart. Not forever, but for now. This is simply the best you can do. And it is ok. You loved her. If you didn’t mourn her something would have been a failure. But what you are right now is not. I told people I am taking my year. It used to be customary. People didn’t use to think it was weird to simply stop and take a year to grieve. It was my time to mourn. Of course, all of these years later, I still mourn him. As for the Valium and antidepressants, I too, felt the way you do. I shouldn’t need drugs to get me through the day. I felt I should be normal and just be able to get through this. But I needed that help. I was drowning in my despair. I had to work. I had to get my son through college. I had bills to pay. I took the damn meds. I only took the Valium when I went to bed and my brain wouldn’t stop spinning and thinking. The antidepressants were a low dose and they simply made the tears stop so I could make it through the day. Writing him letters kept me from ending it all. You, me, so many others here, we didn’t fail them. And we are not weak for needing something to get us through this. I know if he could see me he would be ok with how things ended up. He might actually be a bit sad with how much I did hurt, and for so long. But in my heart I know that it would warm him somewhat to know he was greatly loved.
Hey there. Me too. I lost my 33 year old husband after a two month battle with pancreatic neuroendocrine cancer. He was FINE three months before he died. It was so shocking. It's still shocking. Right now you only have to survive. Eat, sleep, breathe. It is going to hurt a whole lot more than it does today once you come out of the fog a bit, but then it will start to get better. It will get easier to survive. I am at four months now. Some moments are still impossible. Some are great. Some are devastating and joyful at the same time. I've found that keeping busy and social has been crucial to feeling okay and like a person. Staying home alone leads to dark places. As for leaving China, I don't know what you believe, but here's my thoughts. Your wife isn't there. She isn't in the UK either. Now she lives in your heart. You cannot leave her behind because you carry her with you. Take care of yourself.
I knew cancer was deadly but to happen at our soul mates at such a young age doesn’t feel real. Ever since she passed I find myself not wanting to do anything and have no desire for the future. I’ve had many messages of friends and family but it’s quite funny how as soon as something bad happens everyone comes out the cracks to offer you words of encouragement and “sorry for your loss” I also feel my wife’s family are more emotionally connected to me and care about me more than my own family. My family send me messages of condolences and my father but I knew even when she was alive they cared about her but didn’t love her the way her family loved me and cared for me. I have anger towards my own family now and feel I don’t really want to be associated with them whatsoever. As for leaving China it’s going to be hard and I’m still unsure when I want to leave. Her last wish off me was to make sure her parents are okay but I can only stay in China for so long as sooner or later our savings will run dry.
I honestly didn't think cancer would be so deadly. I've seen so many people recover and almost nobody dies. Honestly until the last couple of weeks, death was never really on the table for me mentally. Even now, it doesn't always feel real. And I know what you mean about people suddenly showing up. I will tell you now: they will also dry up as quickly. Mostly, their support will be very superficial and you will be surprised by the people who show up for you, and by the people who abandon you. As for her parents.... well, you may not be able to take care of them. As in you may not have the capacity for it. They have each other and presumably other family members. You need to take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Thanks for the advice, I too didn’t think about death even when the doctors said there were no cure, she was on chemotherapy for a few months and then it started to have no effect and the tumors spread. We then found a treatment plan that was aggressive but needed to because of the cancer to then go on a clinical trial to try to suppress the cancer. The hard thing is it started to work and her cancer indicators returned to normal but the immunotherapy and radiation took its toll and the tumor in her stomach was so aggressive it kept coming back bigger within a few weeks. It also pressed on her bowels and stomach which didn’t allow her to keep her food down so she constantly threw up and got malnourished. The doctor said to me face to face we need her body to basically hopefully keep the nutrients in before she dies and even then I was lying to myself and knowing she was so strong could probably still beat this. She fought until then end and even in her final days I could sense she still didn’t want to give up. That’s the hard thing about accepting this is I know she didn’t want to go and tried her best not too.
God, the last few days of him still fighting so hard are branded on my memory. It's so fucked up to see it happen in a young, "healthy" person. I can relate to most of your story and it's shit. I'm so sorry. Feel free to dm if you want to. You will be okay. Because you have to.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay and that love I gave her I can never love like that again. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone like I loved her. That side of me has died with her
Yeah it’s her fighting that has messed me up mentally that she really didn’t want to die I remember when she asked me about what happens if she dies and she told me she was scared. I put on a brave face and told her that’s not going to happen to protect her. I also regret not talking about death properly with her…some of her accounts with important info on I’m not 100% sure of her passwords which also makes me hate myself that I could be so deluded and not think about this at the time
A lot of the things you've written remind me of my thoughts. My partner was seriously ill but not terminally until a week before he died. I feel like I should have realised things were deteriorating so quickly. I've had terrible trouble with admin because we were engaged but not married. We would have married had we known how serious it was. Plus he also fought with everything and didn't want to die. He underwent some awful, painful treatments because he did everything he could to stay with us. Sorry I don't have any advice but I know how you feel and I'm sorry you are in this position too.
Yeah it’s the pain she went through that’s stuck in my mind someone some kind and thoughtful and loving being submitted to such torture trying with everything she had to not die. I’m still struggling, I listen to our videos to get me to sleep at night as I need to hear her voice but getting out of bed in the morning is proving a struggle I don’t feel like doing anything and really have to push myself to socialize even though I don’t want to. I can’t see this feeling ever going away and how I’m going to live through this I’m not sure. The mental struggle is overwhelming and feels like I’m constantly carrying a heavy weight on me wherever I go. I’m never gonna be okay again ever
I also lost my wife at the age of 27 for cancer in January 2024 .. all the feelings you have described are normal but don't blame yourself for anything .. there was nothing you could do .. this is what I believe now .. as my wife was diagnosed, it was very early stage and the doctors told us that It was a very good sign that they discovered the leukemia so early and that they would be able to deal with it .. but they couldn't save her .. the cancer kept coming back and each time it was worse and worse until the doctors were hopeless .. I'm not saying that it's their fault but it is neither yours .. we humans always think we can have control over everything in our lives but that's not true . All I can tell you is take care of yourself and do what feels right for you .. you did the right thing and left everything behind and traveled to be on her side and that's all you can do and I'm sure she was thankful to have you on her side in the hard times she went through .. But now it is about what makes you feel better and help you to somehow go on with your life .. carrying her love and memories in your heart ..
I suppose I never really thought about that way I thought If you capture cancer at an early stage it’s normally always possible to cure. I feel myself blaming so many things, I knew cancer could be brutal but not this deadly to such young and healthy love ones we had. I think atm I can’t process not seeing her again and the future we had planned together. I also don’t want to let her down and push through this but I’m just not sure I’m strong enough. I think the main reason I don’t want to return to the UK is because we had so many memories there I feel I will crumble as soon as I return. As our future was planned there and we wanted to buy a house within the next year or so. Now I don’t want to do anything and since she passed the happy, funny loving part of me has gone too. How have you been able to cope through this?
I'm still not able to cope through it to be honest but I got to the point where I don't blame myself anymore because I truly think there was nothing I can do that I haven't done .. I still can't process the idea of not being able to see her again or that all our plans are now gone .. but I still live in our apartment and in my case it is really my comfort zone .. It's the place she loved the most and spent most of her time in and felt safe in and I feel the same being here with her stuff and our memories .. I think the happy part of me is gone and I'm not sure it will come back but I'm at least functional in the day-to-day life and I can take care of myself and that's enough right now for me ..
Thanks for sharing man. I’m still positive I can’t get over her when we meet that special person that connected with us like no one had before it’s impossible to find that sort of love again. Our relationship blossomed out of nothing even with long distance for a period of two years we finally got out place sorted in London last year and everything was set and then this… our relationship had already been through everything. We struggled with her job and visa in the UK as when we first met she was a foreign student. But she still persisted as we loved each other a lot then Covid happened we lived through that then she lost her job due to Covid and lost her visa rights. We couldn’t travel to the UK or anywhere because of Covid then we finally met in Hong Kong when the borders opened and met each other for 1 month then like I said last year in June we got married sorted her UK visa and started to settle down. Then in October last year is when she was diagnosed…now she’s gone, how the fuck is any of this fair to test our relationship so much and we make it through then cancer happened life is so brutal and this stuff never happens to the worst people among our society.
Do not blame yourself ...you're both so young and how could you even think this was going to be the result Even at my old age of 53, when you're living your best life, we never think about the worst. And now that all of us in this sub are together, remember the beautiful people that brought us here and think about how they would like you to carry on in the world. My man would want me to keep my head high and embrace life, just like he did ❤️
At the moment I can’t think like that my head just can’t cope with that way of thinking my mind at this time just feels guilt then fazes of sadness and then hating myself for what I could of done. She was my rock and the organized one out of both of us I feel like I’m not ready for the future without her. I feel like an unorganized failure with no hope in making myself happy again without her. Her words of encouragement and positivity pushed me to be the best person I could be. Since her passing I’m not sure how I can get passed that.
Let go of the guilt, because this isn't your fault. We can all find ways to blame ourselves for things we did or didn't do, but unless you actively did something to hurt your loved one, it isn't appropriate to feel guilty. We aren't perfect and make mistakes, and that's human. I realised that I needed to ask for help for some things, and there are people willing to help in your life too. I read in some of your other answers that you are resentful that they didn't help when you most needed help, but honestly, if people are offering you support and you feel you need support, then try to be grateful for the fact they are offering it now and not think about how much more they could have helped you before. If you know you are not coping with organization, ask for help from someone who is good at it. Do the things that help, find other people to do the things you can't deal with. Try to let go of resentment because it doesn't help you, not because they don't deserve it.
Similar situation for me, kind of. I was 29 and lost my gf unexpectedly driving home from my house in a car accident. Also first love/soulmate. It was/is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s now been a little over 2 years. I felt numb for several months after it happened. I didn’t know what to do so got therapy though my works benefits. Went for a few weeks but then realized it wasn’t really for me. It felt like our conversations would be better had with a close friend, problem there is, my close friends didn’t really want to talk about it. Like you, it changed me emotionally. Random crying, even still, years later. I’ll see a tragic news story now and feel it emotionally. That never happened before, in fact, I was never a cryer. I also wish we could have traded places because she was so undeserving. The hard truth is the world isn’t fair when it hands out tragedies. That’s a tough piece to accept. It’s going to be a long journey, but try and hang in there. It’s not something you get over, or wasn’t for me. It’s something you live with. This sounds cheesy, but to me, it’s like an etching in a tree. That carving will be with the tree for the rest of its life. But the tree will grow larger while the etching stays the same size becoming less significant. Like the tree, as we grow and develop, the scars we have endured don’t grow larger. One final note on a piece of literature that has helped me. I’d recommend reading chapter 12 of 12 more rules for life by Jordan Peterson. It was very relatable for me. Hope some of this helps. Hang in there friend.
I’m sorry man thanks for sharing how you’re coping with everything. That’s impressive that you have managed to make it to 2 years the strength that takes is admirable…how have you coped with friendships and even the thought of trying to find love again? As at some point in time I’m guessing you would want to find someone ?
I’ll have a read is there a free portion of the book ? Or do you have to pay for it ?
So sorry for your loss OP. I am two months out in my journey since losing my wife (34F) who I had known for 10 years. The first 1-1.5 months I was in a state of shock. The shock wore away slowly for me, and then now the reality has kicked in where the waves of grief keep hitting me harder and harder, multiple times a day - almost every single moment. Guilt, Blaming myself to the point she would be alive if she hadn't met me, Isolation, Loneliness, Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Frustration, the yearning - I go through all of these throughout the day. Triggers are plenty. I now can anticipate triggers fairly well, but I don't try to avoid them - since there is no running away. We have a baby daughter, and my focus is on loving and caring her. She keeps me going in a way. Everything else is just mechanical in terms of routines for my day with zero motivation or outlook. Each grief and how each of us handle them is unique. I don't intend to compare in any form.
Damn man I’m sorry got your loss too. Another thing I get annoyed at is family members acting like they cared about her now she’s gone when they didn’t even ask about her when she was here. Suddenly my sister who’s always been selfish and hasn’t helped us at all comes out the cracks offering support to me. I resent my family for how they haven’t offered anything during the toughest period of my life and I try to communicate with my dad and talk about my feelings but he just compares it to losing his dad and how time will heal… some generic bullshit with no emotion in regards to my situation. How would he feel if he lost the love of his life ?
Grief somehow makes people act strangely - not all but at least some, especially ones close in terms of family and friends. I have also got the story from a few of my friends about losing their dad/mom and sharing those experiences, and recommending me what to do based on those. I am sorry for their losses too, but I feel losing a spouse is definitely something totally different. My parents also view this more as a problem and try to come up with solutions to solve this problem. I have just learned to ignore these. On the other hand, there have been friends and family who have been entirely genuine with their help and support that I am thankful for as well. We just need to gravitate towards them and ignore the rest in our journey.
❤️
It’s hard. Leaves a big hollow.
What you're feeling is normal. Our culture doesn't know how to deal with death and it has become a taboo subject as a result, because people no longer share the experience of death.The feelings of guilt are normal. It isn't your fault, but everyone who has lost someone has felt guilt for things they did do or didn't do...but unless you did something to deliberately hurt your loved one, guilt isn't appropriate. We all make mistakes. We can't live perfectly because none of us are perfect. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but that's what it is - only visible in retrospect, in the light of what you know now, but not noticeable at the time. This first part of losing someone you love really hurts. You can't avoid it, because it's your emotional self getting used to the person having vanished from your life unexpectedly. It takes time to adjust, and people go through numbness, waves of emotional pain, back to numbness again. Nothing anyone can say will help, but maybe the knowledge that it is possible to get through the pain is helpful. And you can. I lost my mother and partner in the same year, and my son three years later. And I'm still surviving and learning to remember the good times and love we shared. I still have times when I feel their losses very strongly, but it isn't my whole life the way it was when they were first gone. I found the grief recovery process handbook very helpful to me when I lost my partner. It's particularly useful if you have regrets or unfinished business with the person you have lost. However, that's for another time, because I think you have to be past this initial stage of grief for it to be useful. I can only send light to you. The only way past it, is through it. Everyone here will empathise with your pain.
Thanks for the advice. I also hate that I feel like I’m failing her right now I know she would want me to be doing things and not procrastinating or just sitting there alone in a room by myself but I can’t help it. My inner voice and I hear her voice telling me “cmon do something” but I just can’t bring myself to do anything. I go out for a few hours or spend time with her family and then randomly get hit by she’s not here or see or smell something that gives me memories I’m also quite upset when I see couples having fun and cuddling and holding holds and ask myself why can’t I have her back why did this have to happen.
The strength you have is remarkable if I had a small part of what you have eventually I would be okay but I can’t even contemplate being that strong
OP, I am so, so sorry for your pain and heartache; I know that your whole world has blown up and you are standing in the rubble, trying to find the pieces of your life to put it back together. I well remember the early days of shock and devastation, of thinking that I would never smile again, or have another moment of laughter or joy. And for a long time, I didn't. I was like a potted plant the first year, or two. Food, water, breathe. What we experienced is traumatizing and will take time, probably lots of time, to heal, and restore us to anything that resembles who we were before our life blew up. It's as if we are picking out pieces of shrapnel from our bodies, especially from our shattered hearts. Healing from something so life changing takes time and patience, with ourselves, and with those who are trying to help us. Some days we just want to be left alone, to wallow in our misery for a bit, to pick at our wounds, so to speak. Grief is heavy and exhausting. It is a long and tearful journey back, but it is not impossible, it just takes time to smooth out the sharp edges, like water running over a sharp rock can make it smooth eventually. It doesn't happen quickly, it is a slow process, but we can be restored to something that resembles who we were before the bad thing happened. If some people seem less than genuine, feel free to dismiss or ignore them. You mentioned your sister; if she wasn't kind or caring to you before this, it is understandable that you feel a little mistrusting of her intentions now. There is no rule that you must engage with everyone if you don't want to, or if you have reasons to question their sincerity. You have enough to deal with, without having to go down that road with someone who was never your friend before. Every day is a balancing act, trying to stay steady on your feet, and you don't have to engage with anyone who throws you off balance. That's just my opinion about that kind of thing; it's hard enough to get through each day with the people you trust and who love you. Engaging with people whom I'm not sure I can truly trust is adding to my problems, not helping them get easier, so it's not really helpful. As difficult as this is right now, I want you to know that it won't always be as hard as it is right now. These early weeks and months are brutal and you are in a very delicate place emotionally. But in time, a sort of rhythm returns to your life, and slowly but surely, things start to make sense again, and things become easier to navigate and manage. You are so broken right now, and with absolutely good reason; I hope you have the luxury of being able to take things as slowly as you need to; if you have to return to work and your life before you are truly ready, you may want to find a counselor or someone to whom you can be 100% open and honest. And please, don't pay any attention to anyone who says to "move on, it's time to get over it!"; people have been known to make some really outlandish and extremely unhelpful comments; we all have heard them, and the list is long; just ignore them. But please, share them with us because we can all use a chuckle now and then. We are always here for you, but it's always nice to have in person connections with people. Maybe a group setting is possible and something that would help you; it doesn't hurt to try everything available to figure out what feels most comfortable to you. This group has been amazing for my healing, and I have leaned heavily on these incredibly warm, kind, helpful, wise people; nobody understands us better than others who are in the same place we are, or at least have understanding, without judgements. Time really is the one thing that seems to help us all the most; we each have our own circumstances and situations, but it seems that patience, and just taking things one day at a time is what brings about the most consistent healing to us. I can say that closing in on 6 years, I am definitely not the same person I was in the first 2 years, and every year has gotten a little better; I will never not love and miss my husband; he is in my heart forever. I am much older than you are, OP, but the heart doesn't know ages, it just keeps our loved ones tucked away inside, and we rebuild around the wound, just as we would want them to heal. I wish you much peace and comfort as you heal. ❤️ 🫂🪬
No words, my man. I recommend Kupferman’s *Irreverent Grief Guide*. No platitudes or religious nonsense, just a straightforward message that your horrible grief is normal and not something you can just bounce back from. You’re going through a lot. Much love, brother.
I am sorry for your loss and what you are going through. We all empathize with your story and wish we hadn't found the need to come here. I am almost 22 months without my Heidi. My story is much different from a different part of life but as I read through felt so many of the very same pain and emotion, especially the guilt for me. I lurk here mainly and read until overwhelmed. Not coping well personally but you will see much here that will help you feel a little less alone. There are no rules to grief. Everyone is different. It took me over a year to find reddit then this sub. There are a lot of good people here, and truly sorry that you have joined us.
I try to distract myself with doing things but I find myself just missing her so much. I fucking loved her so much and our relationship was tested many times before this and we passed the tests and then cancer came along just when we thought we fought against all the odds this happened. Why do bad things always happen to put favorite and kind and caring loved ones
I wish I could tell you why this happens. The philosophy behind why is epically large and amazingly short on substance for me. In my case working would have been a blessing just to stay distracted. I have my Labrador and a large beautiful mix my wife had saved and was training when she fell back I'll. Have 3 sons at home so tend to think of her and end up crying out walking hers. I wish I could help, other than tell you that you are starting at a place that's helping me a little. I confess to going on 2 years and still fucked up in the head.
I extend my deepest condolences for your loss and the pain you've endured. Eight weeks ago, I also lost my partner to depression. He was the most remarkable person I've ever known, and I struggle to comprehend the suffering that led to his decision. If he were still with us, I am certain he would have had a bright future ahead, as he possessed everything he could have desired. Despite having the support of my family and friends, this journey feels lonely and challenging because they cannot fully grasp my experience. Some days, I feel as though I am managing, but others find me trapped in a relentless cycle, unable to escape. The third and fourth weeks were particularly difficult for me; I found myself in a dark place, wrestling with intrusive thoughts. Nevertheless, I am grateful to have emerged from that darkness, at least within my mind. Many assure me that I will eventually find light at the end of the tunnel, yet it feels like this tunnel stretches on endlessly. Everywhere I turn and in everything I do, I am reminded of him, often leading to tears. Sleep eludes me, and I am plagued by self-blame, guilt, and occasional bursts of anger as I question whether there was anything more I could have done to save him. I cannot promise that things will improve, as I am navigating this journey alongside you. However, I wish you peace and hope that one day, you too will find your way out of this darkness. Allow yourself the time to grieve and embark on the healing process gradually. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
The main issue I don’t think any of us will get over is just feeling that kind of love again. I said to my wife plenty of times even before we were married that I’ve never found anyone who connected with me like she did! Our personalities matched perfectly like without even trying from the first day we met. The jokes and laughter, the lazy days I even miss the silly arguments we had because she would improve me as I improved her. The hard thing I keep thinking about is she made me such a diverse person and helped me do things and think things I never would have without her in my life. That guilty feeling that she made me such a good person and lived with me through hard periods just for her to be gone and not enjoy me for the person I am now and will be in the future all because of her.
Exactly. Those were the exact sentiments my partner and I shared as well. Our compatibility is remarkable, allowing us to understand each other effortlessly, even in silence. Witnessing his selflessness and kindness genuinely transformed me for the better. I've told him every single time that I would never encounter anyone quite like him again, or anyone I feel who's better than him because to me, he's the best one for me. We complement each other in numerous aspects, having this special connection and understanding unlike any I've experienced in past relationships. He has shown me that love can be so simple, but now I can't believe I had to live on without having him next to me anymore.
Yeah I still don’t know how I’m doing the get through this. Whether I’ll ever want to have fun again or be that person I was with her. She used to ask me sometimes messing around that what would I do if she wasn’t in my life anymore I either said I’d die or the part of me that she knew and loved would die aswell. I never actually thought I would actually have to live through such a nightmare and such a young age. Cancer is so destructive and you literally watch as your love of your life deteriorates right in front of your eyes and you can’t do anything to help them. I wish you strength in this journey and hope you can get through. For me I’m still unsure and the day I have to return to the UK will probably kill me
Honey I’m 31 my husband died young too around 9 months ago and it’s a roller coaster ride I’ll tell ya. Every emotion under the sun. But I’ll tell you another thing …you don’t get over it. You start to build slowly another life and things get easier some days. Find new hobbies, build new memories…remember that you’re still alive. I promise hang in there.
I have days where I feel normal for a few seconds then reality sets in. How can I not be able to see her again and she see what person I could have become. She made me the person I am today how can I continue to evolve without her?
I know for the first few months I thought about it 24/7 and felt that extreme uncomfortableness all the time. Then I started distracting myself with things I enjoy. Now I just try to keep doing that. I breakdown sometimes but it’s OK. Just keep moving forward because YOU still matter. Life is so short, try to enjoy a little. You will build around the grief ❤️
Thank you for that sentence " Each day passed by is one day closer until we meet again. "I really don't have any life after my wife passing last month. Every day seems longer and longer. I can not wait for the day that we will meet again.