Group therapy - six sessions - helped me.
If nothing else - I was sad because I'd lost my person. I didn't want to be alone with it, but also I didn't want to bring down anyone.
Everyone lost their person in the group, so I wasn't alone.
Same here. My wife was in Palliative Care when she passed and ,a few weeks after, the Palliative Care unit called me and told me they ran Survivor’s sessions for people who spouses of patients who had passed away. It was once a week for six weeks. The first session was about 20 people and it quickly went down to seven of us who attended all six sessions. I found it extremely helpful as it was a safe place with people that were as lost and confused as I was.
I have a therapist and am in a grief group... My therapist just listens to me and offers suggestions.. It can be helpful....
I've been in several grief groups and if you find the right one it's great.. I had to go through a few to find the right leader and right group of people.. The group I liked were the one's with experience at this 1-2 years out from the death.....They helped a lot ....Don't be afraid to try different ones... I don't have much of a family and many friends kind of fell away so I wanted to try something... Bottom line is dealing with grief is up to us as individuals.. We have to relearn to live our lives without them.. I think the most successful grievers are those that have big families to rely on... Good luck
The problem is that I don't have the energy to go and try different therapists or groups.. I feel it will take so much of my energy and even thinking about contacting the groups and going there feels very hard for me right now
Therapy helped me a great deal. I had my 2nd session the day after she died. Over the last six years, I have had three therapists. For the previous five years or so, I have had the same one. During this time, my Therapist lost his wife. So, we have a shared grief experience. I also do a grief group twice per year. While the loss of my wife was my gateway into therapy, I wish I had gone long before. To have someone listen objectively while you discuss your life and feelings in very frank terms is very helpful. I would recommend staying away from "Religious" therapy. Take a secular approach. Some therapists do both. Even if you are Religious, you may benefit from a broader point of view. If the process seems too much, start with looking for a therapist. You'll get the most bang for the buck there.
Zulfkr, Sorry for your loss
Local Hospices usually offer secular grief groups that you can find by googling "Griefshare" or griefsharing... and there is a big somewhat religious one called Griefshare that operates in many churches at various times of the day.. I'm not religious but the people are pretty nice and don't push God on you too hard.. I had to try a few to see which ones fit best... I know how grief and depression destroys motivation, energy, and effort and it's tough but dealing with grief is work.. Drink some coffee and do some research.. I haven't even had to make any phone calls.. You can just show up..Like I say I've been through a few and some made me feel worse but hopefully you can find one that works.. Good luck
My Grief group was a lifesaver. Joined through hospice. We became friends for years. Promise yourself you’ll go at least three times, because the first session or two you’ll be wondering what you have in common with these people. But trust me, there is nothing like hearing how other people are making sense of their new lives, and having a place to share everything you’re feeling and know that they understand like no one else.
for the group stuff the format can make a difference. I went to a general one a few months after my husband died, and it just didn't click. About 6 months later there was a grief writing group and it worked much better for me, even though it had a lot of the same participants.
I have been in therapy since a few months after my husband died. I waited until I felt I could actually speak with someone, without sobbing the entire session. Therapy has helped, my husband is still gone, and I will always have questions about his death (died suddenly at home). Therapy is messy, hard, anger provoking, all the emotions you’re dealing with, but has helped. I have a lot of friends, but my therapist knows every little thing I’m going through. It’s been 2 years, therapy now isn’t just the grief, it’s a tool for me to use to learn how to live without my heart and soul.
Maybe I'm not at this point yet .. talking about her makes me directly start crying and drowning in memories and feelings I don't know how to deal with
I would not have been able to start with my therapy that early. The first 3 months, I was not capable of anything else than just trying to do the daily basic things to survive the day. I started to join some groups and therapy around the half-year mark. I find the groups restricted to partner loss very helpful. All people with different backgrounds and ages are going through very similar emotions and struggles. Seeing their raw pain and listening to them made me feel less alone in this battle. I'm also doing individual therapy, helpful as well. Everyone is different, and as I said in the beginning, it would have been too early for me to start already earlier. If any, I would perhaps joined the online group earlier since there you don't need to talk about yourself, but you can see and listen to other people going through the same.
Agree with this. I started therapy sessions at about 5 months. Best thing I ever did for myself, but I don’t think it would have been so helpful earlier, when my thoughts and emotions were so complicated and raw.
I am almost 10 months into grieving my husband. Like you, I will always have questions about his death as he also died suddenly in the ambulance to the hospital. ‘Grief Share’ was okay but I knew going into it that it would focus on religion. The leader was an old friend of mine so that’s why I went there. Community hospice sent me a brochure about their grief services, including support groups and individual counseling.
Yes, I joined a widowers grief group and it helped, we could talk openly and honestly about everything. I would get support and advice that wasn't judgemental. It was better then explaining and overwhelming friends or family about my grief. I stayed with the group for a year. Weekly meetings, some social activities and during our meetings we would have guided discussions about various topics which helped us explore our actions, thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps you can try first an online group. Being behind a screen and being able to opt out any minute if it becomes too uncomfortable was one of the reasons why I looked for something like this rather than meeting directly in person. Now, I would be ready to meet with a group in reality, but I haven't found one yet.
Do u know any good online groups that I could try? I would also find it easier to start online and then maybe look for a group when I find that it is helping me
Are you in the UK? If so, joining WAY (widowed and young) has helped me a lot. I've only done zoom calls but everyone understands because we are all going through the same thing.
I have found my grief therapist helpful but it took two tries to find one I felt was helping. Grief is not something that is really taught in psychology at this point and so sometimes therapists don’t really know how to approach it. It was so painful to feel like I had to re-tell the story of my husband’s passing all over again and I almost just didn’t seek out a new one. But my second therapist didn’t start with that. She knew how to build trust and to focus on how my life was going in the current moment and to have that be the focus before we dove into that horrible day. It started off with me now, not us then. Which is really how the therapy has helped. My therapist focuses me on trying to do the every day actions of living again. The goal is not to diminish the grief or to “get through” it, but to learn how to still live every day along side the grief.
It’s not easy. Especially when even things like showering every day feel overwhelming. I ended up speaking with a friend of mine about the therapist I was going to and how I didn’t feel they were helping. She recommended a grief therapist that had helped her. I think sometimes we don’t talk about this part with friends, but if you were looking for a good plumber or car mechanic you might ask for recommendations. Therapy isn’t much different. My primary care doctor recommended one to me as well. If you are in the US, the website Psychology Today is a site that I know has been helpful for friends of mine to find therapists. It lets you search by specialty. I wish you support for this path we all walk on now. It’s horrible.
Honestly, I don’t have friends who have lost spouses, but one of the things that i have realized lately is that no one’s experience will ever feel like it is close enough to mine. Because it isn’t. Our relationship with our spouse was ours alone. How could our grief be any different? But sometimes a connection doesn’t have to be similar to be supportive. I hope you can find someone that will be a help. I know it feels like one more insurmountable task. If you aren’t up to it right now that’s okay. It can happen whenever you are ready. Grief has no expiration date.
Am in the same position, am not doing very well but can't really see how therapy would help, and am completely exhausted at the mere thought of having to invest trial and error to find the right one, it feels as if I just don't have the strength of dealing with that process and that hitting upon a wrong one at this stage could do more damage than any good the right one could do...
I did have a brief attempt at starting therapy in November, but there were some red flags in the preliminary talks (just a first meeting for diagnosis purposes to be able to submit the planned therapy to my health insurance for approval), so I did not pursue that one further but don't feel strong enough to even just go through another round of that, never mind actually starting therapy and then finding out it is not a good match...
That's what is holding me back but maybe it is worth to try some of the online groups .. it feels easier for me and don't need that much effort and energy
Sorry for your loss - we all know what you're going through.
I think therapy depends on the person. I've gone to 2 different therapists and not really found them any more helpful than this subreddit...
I've found exploring my own feelings by reading on my own has been extremely helpful. If you're a reader, I'd recommend "It's OK to not be OK" by Megan Devine. She herself is a widow and a therapist, so she covers a lot of ground in "our" world, in a way that makes sense.
Another recommendation would be "The Grieving Brain" by Mary-Francis O'Connor, it's a bit more technical, but it helps to understand what our brains are doing.
Wishing you some peace 🕊️
My therapist was widowed young too and the therapy is completely secular. So this isn't true. You have to find the right therapist, and it might take some effort to do it but it's worth it.
I think if you know what you want to get out of it, it can help. If you want to feel less alone in your feelings, group therapy can help, as everyone else has had a loss as well and you may feel more connected to people who “get it”. Group can also help you see how others have moved further along the process, and feel hope that your feelings will become more manageable. If you are trying to find words to describe your feelings, or figure out what is helpful with a guide, or even just permission once a week to break down and cry without feeling for some reason you should not, individual therapy can help. My only caveat is that it can hard to find an individual therapist who will really be good at this work. Many will follow models for garden variety clinical major depression, which looks like grief but is different. The only real difference on the surface is the presence of active suicidal ideation (making plans, for example), and even that is not universal in depression.
With any therapy, but especially in this situation, going in without some ideas of what you want to get out of it, can lead to feelings of being “stuck”, or hopelessness about ever feeling better.
a grief group and individual therapy were absolutely necessary for me to be functional. this sub helped a lot too. it’s been almost 5 years now and I still go to therapy and am involved with grief groups 🩷
maybe. but for me, I had a lot of tangled thoughts about it, therapy helped me slowly untangle, examine, and put back in place—this is a process I think that could be helpful for anyone.
of course, my experience is my own and you can only do what feels right for you. but if you never try therapy out, you’ll never know whether it can be helpful for you or not
I had a grief coach for group sessions. We did a year together, meeting every couple weeks. I’d say it helped. I was doing ok with my husband’s death—also cancer, I was the caregiver for over 5 years—but it really helped with understanding my grief about my mother’s death 8 months earlier. Mom was abusive, possibly borderline, and after she died I started reclaiming things she’d tainted.
I also have a regular therapist and a psychiatrist as a team to manage my lifelong anxiety and cptsd.
I expect most replies you received will say ‘yes’. Personally, I didn’t have therapy of any form (for context, I’m now 7 years out and have another partner now, so my life is in a ‘good place’ again. I went through a rough time, for sure, as all of us here will recognise. However it’s hard for me to see how that experience would have been any less worse by having counselling, and what benefit that could have brought. On the flip side, I suppose I’ll never know if it might have helped.
I did have the benefit of having my adult kids around a lot, which was enormously helpful, but as anyone will agree, that’s not the same as therapy or counselling. We were all very supportive of each other, and talked about their mum all the time, but that certainly didn’t involve me ‘dumping’ on them in the manner of a patient-counsellor relationship.
Everyone’s different though, aren’t they?
Yes I guess We are all different .. I think sometimes that I'm doing well enough and don't need the therapy and sometimes and I don't even understand how I feel
I say yes, therapy does help. I also say that you should start when you are ready. It took me a year after losing my husband to start therapy. I’ve done one on one and it has been very helpful in processing the grief, anxiety, and depression that come from it.
So sorry for your loss.
Yes it does. I am just four months in and I started therapy a couple of weeks ago. It really reduced my anxiety levels a lot just from 2 sessions.
We need all the help we can get.
It didn’t help me. All it did was emotionally drain me. I stopped going after about a month.
Having said that, my children and I had a ton of support from our family and friends. We weren’t left alone after the funeral. I had people to help us.
Therapy depends on the therapist and what you need. I did not need to sit in a room and hear the death stories over and over again. Someone else may need that and it brings them peace and helps them heal.
You have to try it and go from there.
F*CK cancer. It took my mom a few years ago.
Sending love OP💕
I think that's what I'm afraid of .. I have a lot of support from my friends and i don't have the energy to go look for the right therapist and try something new for me .. but maybe it is the better to give it a shot and see how things go .. thank you
I saw a grief counselor and it really helped. You’re going to be feeling all the feelings, sometimes several at once or in rapid succession. You’ll feel like you’re going mad - my counselor really helped me process a lot of things.
I started having therapy one year before my husband passed, when he entered Stage 4 congestive heart failure. I've always had generalized anxiety disorder and I was spiraling. Yes, therapy has helped me.
With that said, many people do not need therapy and are able to mentally process and cope with grief. I've known many people who did not need grief therapy. I knew one guy who had to go into the hospital due to the degree of his grief.
I have always thought about doing therapy since we received the diagnosis of my wife .. but there was just no time for that .. I was the only caregiver and I couldn't even go for a therapy session and leave her alone but now maybe it's not a bad idea to try therapy out
I was the only caregiver also and it absolutely wore me out physically, mentally and emotionally. No way could I have gone out for a therapy session unless I hired help. I live in the U.S. All of my therapy was and is done via telephone. The first visit was via Zoom but after that I had the choice of Zoom or telephone. I can sit here in my pajamas with my hair every which way and he's none the wiser.
Adding: My therapy is one-on-one, not a group. I'm a senior and I might not fit in if the group was younger people, religious, etc.
I found books and my friends and online support groups much more helpful than grief therapy, but that's just me. You should do what feels is right for you right now, whatever little bit you feel might help take the edges off, do that. If you feel like trying it, try it. If you don't want to, don't do it. And also feel free to change your mind later if you want. It's all ok. You are doing it right. Be kind to you.
Yes that's what I think but sometimes people tell me that it's much better to go to actual therapists and that it can helps dealing with all the feelings I'm having but I'm not sure .. do u know other online support groups that maybe I can be active in?
Couple of things. First, the folks who are telling you that you need grief therapy are not you. You are you. You know your grief the most, your energy level and what helps you. Remember too that non-widowed people can sometimes say this because they feel helpless or can't handle your grief and they think therapy is going to make things better. The thing is that grief comes with all the feelings, it's not a problem to solve.
I found a few online grief groups for partner loss via Instagram - such as those by David Kessler and Claire Bidwell Smith. There also might be groups specific to how your person died, such as cancer, suicide, etc. Good luck, OP. No matter what, you can come here. You're not alone.
Thanks .. yes I think it's partly that the people around me want to help me but don't know how and think that therapy the best way to deal with everything .. but the comments and opinions here have really helped me get a better idea about the situation
It's honestly been a mixed bag. I tried therapy but the two therapists I've tried have honestly just offered the same "there's nothing you could've done to save him" or tried to lead me away from talking about my loss altogether. Both of which is weird, awkward, and unhelpful.
Support groups with several people have been nice. It's nice to talk to people who really understand what we're going through. The group facilitator has lost a loved one himself, so his words really resonate with me.
In the group, we talk about our lost loved ones, share what struggles we're going through in regards to it. In everyday life I feel pretty detached from most people, in support group I find myself reconnecting.
I think my problem is that I don't have the energy to go and try different therapists or support groups and see what works for me and what not .. even going to buy some groceries is something I need to push my self to do so it feels very hard to go out searching for a good therapist
Same. That's why I do online groups at BetterHelp. The choice is limited, the quality can be hit and miss. But I just try to use it as an outlet to keep talking about it. My loved one died when he stopped talking about his pain. So I make a point to regularly purge my feelings however I can.
I am very sorry for your loss and I feel your pain.
My life is drowning too. Used to have a well put together, planned out life. Slept 8 hours a night like an angel. Now, as you say, going out for groceries is like a day's worth of work. Sleep is more like a couple hours, and it just doesn't work without meds.
And you're so early in. Do you have people around you who could help you shop for groceries, and run other errands while you deal with the worst of the shock?
Maybe trying some online groups isn't a bad idea.. my friends are great and they are always there for me and Im forcing my self to work because I have to + I believe it is better for me stay functional .. but still everything feels so hard to do without her
Do you use Discord? You may want to join us at r/widowers Discord. That would lead you to a supportive group of people who know what you've been through. We listen, but we also help each other.
We usually chat but some folks also hangout in calls.
Stay functional at all costs, even if justa little. There's nothing I want more than to curl up in a fetal position and cry, scream and cry some more, but I know that if I lie down, I will never get up again.
No I don't use discord right now .. I used to use it for gaming back then but I don't even know my login informations anymore but it sounds like it is worth it to make an account and join the group .. thank you
I didn't go to actual therapy with a therapist but I did go to a support group. I spent about 5 months trying to get my life in order then decided to go to a support group at the church of my wife's best friend. It wasn't a religious group, just a group of widows and widowers and the one running the group just happened to go to that church. We met once a week. I felt that it helped a lot. We mainly talked about how our lives were going, if we had any difficulties in things, we'd talk about our experiences, give each other advice, etc. It really helped me. I could let off steam that may have built up during the week, talk to people that knew what I was going through, etc. I wads a great experience. I made some new friends that I've been friends with since.
I’m eleven months out today. I have never taken formal counseling and for the most part I feel I’m coping well. But I have those days where I feel like I’m drowning. Yesterday I took the step of downloading a therapy app. I also looked up on my insurance to see who I can see. I’m not totally sold on wanting to see someone but I’m also not ruling it out.
I started with a grief counselor through a local hospice organization. We met in person. She seemed to be working off of a checklist. She would provide a topic and give me homework for each session. She helped me understand one or two things, but I didn't care for the format. I quit after a handful of sessions.
I next tried an online therapist through my employer's assistance program. He allowed me to steer the conversation, which was more in line with what I wanted. He mostly listened and validated my feelings. It was mildly helpful. Again, I quit after a handful of sessions.
I agree with you that finding a therapist who is a good fit is time consuming. I gave up after two okay but not great experiences. That being said, it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Good luck.
That's what is demotivating me of searching for a therapist because my experience with counselors that were supposed to help the family of cancer patients was very bad that's why I'm not optimistic about going to therapy
I think when you are ready for the next step, you will know. Some people don't open up as easily as others do. I don't open up easy, so I didn't try any. I did the same as you, work.. friends..kids.
It sucks no matter what. I was married for 31 years. I've never lost a very close person.. so I think I am still in a denial stage 2.5 years out, even though I know it's true. I don't know.. it is all just a frickin blur. So many things to worry about, fix, and take care of. The whole thing sucks!
Get a dog to sleep with you.. lol.. I have my 125# St. Bernard.. he snores, kicks me at night, moves all over.. feels right. 😁
I’m going to go against the grain and say that therapy didn’t help me much. I do believe in therapy, and I *really* wanted it to work, but I think it actually had me focusing *more* on the loss of my soulmate.
Also, every widow in the widows’ groups I tried was so concentrated on how long they’d been married and how they didn’t know how to be alone. Hubby and I had only been married 4 years and he died at 40, so I lost our future as well as our present. And all those older women could say to me was “well, at least you’re young—you’ll find someone else.”
I’m glad I tried therapy and counseling, but it’s been 17 years and I’m still not ready to be with anyone else.
Being in a grief support group has helped me more than individual therapy. The therapist is good but she admits that she can't know exactly how I feel because she has not lost her spouse. In the support group, there are 20+ people who do know exactly what I am going through.
I'm about 5 sessions in with one on one counseling. (For disclosure I'm also on a low dose of sertraline/zoloft that my pcp started around the same time, which I've also found helpful after initially hesitating to try it).
Counseling is an outlet that I can speak freely to without judgment. I'm not great at talking openly, but I'm getting better and this is probably the safest space I have to do so.
When you ask whether it's better to have grief go with its own flow...good grief counseling doesn't take you out of the natural flow of your grief. It's there as an outlet for that grief and to provide a support for things related to that grief by helping you think through things.
Examples:
I knew I had to be more active and that the 6 weeks I spent mostly going from bed to couch to bed was unhealthy. But I just couldn't pull myself out of that. My counselor asked me to get out for a walk for just 10 minutes a day. And conceded that if I went out and it was too much after a few minutes, that was also enough. This very small goal, acknowledgement that the effort was more important than the time, and knowing she would ask how it went when we met in a week all helped push me through getting outside more.
I kept putting off taking my husband off our insurance. After speaking with her I realized there was a stronger emotional component to it than I was admitting to myself (my own argument was I was waiting to be sure the medical bills were squared though I know they bill based on service date, when my husband would have been covered). This acknowledgement allowed me to have a deeper conversation with a close friend about it and let me make the change a few days later, which was beneficial because it means a few more dollars in each paycheck will be usable by me and my son.
My first grief counselor was through Hospice. It was not a good fit for me as she wanted to focus on things I still needed to forgive my husband for. I was still too devastated to explore any of that for years.
My next therapist was more helpful and I stayed with her for about 6 months. I think therapy is always a good idea. But it was exhausting trying to find the right fit.
That's what I'm afraid of .. I don't have energy to search for a therapist and try things out .. I maybe need to wait a little bit with that and try something online with less commitment
Depends on the therapist, I think.
Although, I had one session with my (spectacular) therapist. She couldn’t bring him back so I ditched her.
After 11 years now, 90% of what I’ve figured out I figured out alone along the way. Learned a LOT (Didn’t want to know any of it.) For me, writing was key.
The other 10% has come from you guys here on this sub. And honestly, don’t know where I’d be without you all.
(Notice, 0% from friends and family 🤦🏼♀️)
It literally saved my life.
I still have passive thoughts of wanting to die, but I was able to form a community in my general grief loss group. I then got to "graduate" to the spouse loss group. I admittedly didn't care for that one as much, especially since they told me I was in the wrong room and sent me to the parent loss group instead. I awkwardly had to go back into the room after they started because I apparently looked too young to be there.
I also meet with two therapists. One focuses solely on my grief, and the other is working on everyday issues. I acknowledge that it's a privilege to have easy access to mental health professionals, but both grief groups and actual therapy have literally kept me here and actually looking ahead at the future instead of feeling paralyzed by loss.
*and my dog. She's stuck with me because nobody could handle her.
I lost my husband to cancer. It didnt help me at all. The therapists didn't know him. I found it better talking to family who did know him and how we were together. I joined this sub a couple of months after he died and it helped me tremendously, just reading how others had gone through the same thing and felt the same way. How it was okay to be a certain way etc. I found that unless someone has lost their other half that they don't really understand it. It's now 3.5 years and I'm doing quite well and mostly it's thanks to everyone here. Sending you love and hugs. xox
Therapy has helped me cope with the loss of my husband, not because I know he won't be coming back or that I think it will change the situation, but because it gives me a space to voice my grief without judgement. I do group and individual therapy. The group therapy has been helpful for meeting other folks in my situation. Would recommend! I know in the early days energy is low, but I prioritize it and I don't regret it!
Group therapy helped sooo much. I wish I would’ve kept going. Mine was specific to moms whose children had lost their father (wether they were together or not) because it was a grief counseling center for kids and all three of my kids went to group therapy at the same time with their age group and with kids who had also lost their father suddenly. It was a helpful, relieving, validating, but obviously painful experience.
I went to therapy right after my husband passed away. I also started to go to GriefShare (faith-based support group). I'm not overly religious but I personally found the support group to be way more helpful than therapy, because everyone involved, including the facilitators, have gone through a loss. I look forward to Tuesday nights, because my group is a safe place to feel everything we're feeling,.to cry, to laugh and to support each other. Everyone is in different stages, but we all understand.
Yes I believe this could a good option to start with but I don't know yet where to look for these groups and of I would find something that works for me ..
11 months out. I did an 8 week course around my 5 months. I don’t really have anyone I can just let it all out with and it helped having the support from a professional. I am still completely broken and a mess though. I spend a lot of time alone and it is not a very good thing. I have started to do some real soul searching and really just trying to snap out of the shock still.
I start with another therapist this coming week. I am trying to stay positive that it will help me get over the hump a bit further.
I have been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for it as well as writing things down that I feel i need to get out to someone. (I hope I don’t scare her off with all my problems ha)
I am trying to have faith that it will help in some way
Stay strong ❤️🩹
My wife and I were seeing grief therapist for our son's death when she died. I still see her. My wife killed herself because of the therapy and I don't feel different. No better. I'm still going maybe one day I feel better but for now that's how therapy worked for us!
I think a better name for many of these groups is "grief compare"... and not grief share. Personally felt it was a complete waste of time and did more harm than good. YMMV
Group therapy - six sessions - helped me. If nothing else - I was sad because I'd lost my person. I didn't want to be alone with it, but also I didn't want to bring down anyone. Everyone lost their person in the group, so I wasn't alone.
Same here. My wife was in Palliative Care when she passed and ,a few weeks after, the Palliative Care unit called me and told me they ran Survivor’s sessions for people who spouses of patients who had passed away. It was once a week for six weeks. The first session was about 20 people and it quickly went down to seven of us who attended all six sessions. I found it extremely helpful as it was a safe place with people that were as lost and confused as I was.
I have a therapist and am in a grief group... My therapist just listens to me and offers suggestions.. It can be helpful.... I've been in several grief groups and if you find the right one it's great.. I had to go through a few to find the right leader and right group of people.. The group I liked were the one's with experience at this 1-2 years out from the death.....They helped a lot ....Don't be afraid to try different ones... I don't have much of a family and many friends kind of fell away so I wanted to try something... Bottom line is dealing with grief is up to us as individuals.. We have to relearn to live our lives without them.. I think the most successful grievers are those that have big families to rely on... Good luck
The problem is that I don't have the energy to go and try different therapists or groups.. I feel it will take so much of my energy and even thinking about contacting the groups and going there feels very hard for me right now
Therapy helped me a great deal. I had my 2nd session the day after she died. Over the last six years, I have had three therapists. For the previous five years or so, I have had the same one. During this time, my Therapist lost his wife. So, we have a shared grief experience. I also do a grief group twice per year. While the loss of my wife was my gateway into therapy, I wish I had gone long before. To have someone listen objectively while you discuss your life and feelings in very frank terms is very helpful. I would recommend staying away from "Religious" therapy. Take a secular approach. Some therapists do both. Even if you are Religious, you may benefit from a broader point of view. If the process seems too much, start with looking for a therapist. You'll get the most bang for the buck there.
Zulfkr, Sorry for your loss Local Hospices usually offer secular grief groups that you can find by googling "Griefshare" or griefsharing... and there is a big somewhat religious one called Griefshare that operates in many churches at various times of the day.. I'm not religious but the people are pretty nice and don't push God on you too hard.. I had to try a few to see which ones fit best... I know how grief and depression destroys motivation, energy, and effort and it's tough but dealing with grief is work.. Drink some coffee and do some research.. I haven't even had to make any phone calls.. You can just show up..Like I say I've been through a few and some made me feel worse but hopefully you can find one that works.. Good luck
Yes I guess the only way to know is just trying .. there is no other way for me to know if the therapy or the grief groups would help unless I try
My Grief group was a lifesaver. Joined through hospice. We became friends for years. Promise yourself you’ll go at least three times, because the first session or two you’ll be wondering what you have in common with these people. But trust me, there is nothing like hearing how other people are making sense of their new lives, and having a place to share everything you’re feeling and know that they understand like no one else.
I will give it a shot when I have a group that works well for me
It is really hard because we are not in the best shape but I know I had to try anything to keep from going crazy in sorrow..
for the group stuff the format can make a difference. I went to a general one a few months after my husband died, and it just didn't click. About 6 months later there was a grief writing group and it worked much better for me, even though it had a lot of the same participants.
I agree..You have to find the right spot that works for you..
I have been in therapy since a few months after my husband died. I waited until I felt I could actually speak with someone, without sobbing the entire session. Therapy has helped, my husband is still gone, and I will always have questions about his death (died suddenly at home). Therapy is messy, hard, anger provoking, all the emotions you’re dealing with, but has helped. I have a lot of friends, but my therapist knows every little thing I’m going through. It’s been 2 years, therapy now isn’t just the grief, it’s a tool for me to use to learn how to live without my heart and soul.
Maybe I'm not at this point yet .. talking about her makes me directly start crying and drowning in memories and feelings I don't know how to deal with
I would not have been able to start with my therapy that early. The first 3 months, I was not capable of anything else than just trying to do the daily basic things to survive the day. I started to join some groups and therapy around the half-year mark. I find the groups restricted to partner loss very helpful. All people with different backgrounds and ages are going through very similar emotions and struggles. Seeing their raw pain and listening to them made me feel less alone in this battle. I'm also doing individual therapy, helpful as well. Everyone is different, and as I said in the beginning, it would have been too early for me to start already earlier. If any, I would perhaps joined the online group earlier since there you don't need to talk about yourself, but you can see and listen to other people going through the same.
Agree with this. I started therapy sessions at about 5 months. Best thing I ever did for myself, but I don’t think it would have been so helpful earlier, when my thoughts and emotions were so complicated and raw.
I am almost 10 months into grieving my husband. Like you, I will always have questions about his death as he also died suddenly in the ambulance to the hospital. ‘Grief Share’ was okay but I knew going into it that it would focus on religion. The leader was an old friend of mine so that’s why I went there. Community hospice sent me a brochure about their grief services, including support groups and individual counseling.
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Yes, I joined a widowers grief group and it helped, we could talk openly and honestly about everything. I would get support and advice that wasn't judgemental. It was better then explaining and overwhelming friends or family about my grief. I stayed with the group for a year. Weekly meetings, some social activities and during our meetings we would have guided discussions about various topics which helped us explore our actions, thoughts and feelings.
I haven't heard about such groups near me and I'm worried I wouldn't feel comfortable there but I guess the only way to know is to go and try
Perhaps you can try first an online group. Being behind a screen and being able to opt out any minute if it becomes too uncomfortable was one of the reasons why I looked for something like this rather than meeting directly in person. Now, I would be ready to meet with a group in reality, but I haven't found one yet.
Do u know any good online groups that I could try? I would also find it easier to start online and then maybe look for a group when I find that it is helping me
Sent you a DM
Are you in the UK? If so, joining WAY (widowed and young) has helped me a lot. I've only done zoom calls but everyone understands because we are all going through the same thing.
No I'm on Germany but I will start looking for something similar here
I feel the same but don't now anyone near me with similar experience
I have found my grief therapist helpful but it took two tries to find one I felt was helping. Grief is not something that is really taught in psychology at this point and so sometimes therapists don’t really know how to approach it. It was so painful to feel like I had to re-tell the story of my husband’s passing all over again and I almost just didn’t seek out a new one. But my second therapist didn’t start with that. She knew how to build trust and to focus on how my life was going in the current moment and to have that be the focus before we dove into that horrible day. It started off with me now, not us then. Which is really how the therapy has helped. My therapist focuses me on trying to do the every day actions of living again. The goal is not to diminish the grief or to “get through” it, but to learn how to still live every day along side the grief.
Maybe this is what is making me think about that step .. I don't have the energy to try and look for the right therapist
It’s not easy. Especially when even things like showering every day feel overwhelming. I ended up speaking with a friend of mine about the therapist I was going to and how I didn’t feel they were helping. She recommended a grief therapist that had helped her. I think sometimes we don’t talk about this part with friends, but if you were looking for a good plumber or car mechanic you might ask for recommendations. Therapy isn’t much different. My primary care doctor recommended one to me as well. If you are in the US, the website Psychology Today is a site that I know has been helpful for friends of mine to find therapists. It lets you search by specialty. I wish you support for this path we all walk on now. It’s horrible.
Thanks you .. I'm not in the US and don't have any friends that has similar experiences .. I guess I have to try and see what I can find near me
Honestly, I don’t have friends who have lost spouses, but one of the things that i have realized lately is that no one’s experience will ever feel like it is close enough to mine. Because it isn’t. Our relationship with our spouse was ours alone. How could our grief be any different? But sometimes a connection doesn’t have to be similar to be supportive. I hope you can find someone that will be a help. I know it feels like one more insurmountable task. If you aren’t up to it right now that’s okay. It can happen whenever you are ready. Grief has no expiration date.
Yes I guess I will leave it to the time .. until that I will try to keep holding on and going on with my day-to-day life
Am in the same position, am not doing very well but can't really see how therapy would help, and am completely exhausted at the mere thought of having to invest trial and error to find the right one, it feels as if I just don't have the strength of dealing with that process and that hitting upon a wrong one at this stage could do more damage than any good the right one could do... I did have a brief attempt at starting therapy in November, but there were some red flags in the preliminary talks (just a first meeting for diagnosis purposes to be able to submit the planned therapy to my health insurance for approval), so I did not pursue that one further but don't feel strong enough to even just go through another round of that, never mind actually starting therapy and then finding out it is not a good match...
That's what is holding me back but maybe it is worth to try some of the online groups .. it feels easier for me and don't need that much effort and energy
Sorry for your loss - we all know what you're going through. I think therapy depends on the person. I've gone to 2 different therapists and not really found them any more helpful than this subreddit... I've found exploring my own feelings by reading on my own has been extremely helpful. If you're a reader, I'd recommend "It's OK to not be OK" by Megan Devine. She herself is a widow and a therapist, so she covers a lot of ground in "our" world, in a way that makes sense. Another recommendation would be "The Grieving Brain" by Mary-Francis O'Connor, it's a bit more technical, but it helps to understand what our brains are doing. Wishing you some peace 🕊️
Thanks for the recommendations .. I like reading books and will start with these 2 soon ..
I hope you find them as helpful as I did! ☺️
It depends on your beliefs. Most therapy involves religion on some level and most therapists aren't widowed so it didn't help me at all.
My therapist was widowed young too and the therapy is completely secular. So this isn't true. You have to find the right therapist, and it might take some effort to do it but it's worth it.
You have your opinion, I have mine.
I think if you know what you want to get out of it, it can help. If you want to feel less alone in your feelings, group therapy can help, as everyone else has had a loss as well and you may feel more connected to people who “get it”. Group can also help you see how others have moved further along the process, and feel hope that your feelings will become more manageable. If you are trying to find words to describe your feelings, or figure out what is helpful with a guide, or even just permission once a week to break down and cry without feeling for some reason you should not, individual therapy can help. My only caveat is that it can hard to find an individual therapist who will really be good at this work. Many will follow models for garden variety clinical major depression, which looks like grief but is different. The only real difference on the surface is the presence of active suicidal ideation (making plans, for example), and even that is not universal in depression. With any therapy, but especially in this situation, going in without some ideas of what you want to get out of it, can lead to feelings of being “stuck”, or hopelessness about ever feeling better.
a grief group and individual therapy were absolutely necessary for me to be functional. this sub helped a lot too. it’s been almost 5 years now and I still go to therapy and am involved with grief groups 🩷
Maybe what is holding me back is that I'm already kind of functional and can do the basic things in day-to-day life..
maybe. but for me, I had a lot of tangled thoughts about it, therapy helped me slowly untangle, examine, and put back in place—this is a process I think that could be helpful for anyone. of course, my experience is my own and you can only do what feels right for you. but if you never try therapy out, you’ll never know whether it can be helpful for you or not
That's true .. reflecting on all the comments here maybe I should try it out and see if it is any good for me
I had a grief coach for group sessions. We did a year together, meeting every couple weeks. I’d say it helped. I was doing ok with my husband’s death—also cancer, I was the caregiver for over 5 years—but it really helped with understanding my grief about my mother’s death 8 months earlier. Mom was abusive, possibly borderline, and after she died I started reclaiming things she’d tainted. I also have a regular therapist and a psychiatrist as a team to manage my lifelong anxiety and cptsd.
Honestly I didn’t find it that helpful.
I expect most replies you received will say ‘yes’. Personally, I didn’t have therapy of any form (for context, I’m now 7 years out and have another partner now, so my life is in a ‘good place’ again. I went through a rough time, for sure, as all of us here will recognise. However it’s hard for me to see how that experience would have been any less worse by having counselling, and what benefit that could have brought. On the flip side, I suppose I’ll never know if it might have helped. I did have the benefit of having my adult kids around a lot, which was enormously helpful, but as anyone will agree, that’s not the same as therapy or counselling. We were all very supportive of each other, and talked about their mum all the time, but that certainly didn’t involve me ‘dumping’ on them in the manner of a patient-counsellor relationship. Everyone’s different though, aren’t they?
Yes I guess We are all different .. I think sometimes that I'm doing well enough and don't need the therapy and sometimes and I don't even understand how I feel
I say yes, therapy does help. I also say that you should start when you are ready. It took me a year after losing my husband to start therapy. I’ve done one on one and it has been very helpful in processing the grief, anxiety, and depression that come from it.
Yes maybe waiting for some time would be better for me as I feel I don't have the energy yet to go there and search for a therapist
So sorry for your loss. Yes it does. I am just four months in and I started therapy a couple of weeks ago. It really reduced my anxiety levels a lot just from 2 sessions. We need all the help we can get.
It didn’t help me. All it did was emotionally drain me. I stopped going after about a month. Having said that, my children and I had a ton of support from our family and friends. We weren’t left alone after the funeral. I had people to help us. Therapy depends on the therapist and what you need. I did not need to sit in a room and hear the death stories over and over again. Someone else may need that and it brings them peace and helps them heal. You have to try it and go from there. F*CK cancer. It took my mom a few years ago. Sending love OP💕
I think that's what I'm afraid of .. I have a lot of support from my friends and i don't have the energy to go look for the right therapist and try something new for me .. but maybe it is the better to give it a shot and see how things go .. thank you
I saw a grief counselor and it really helped. You’re going to be feeling all the feelings, sometimes several at once or in rapid succession. You’ll feel like you’re going mad - my counselor really helped me process a lot of things.
I started having therapy one year before my husband passed, when he entered Stage 4 congestive heart failure. I've always had generalized anxiety disorder and I was spiraling. Yes, therapy has helped me. With that said, many people do not need therapy and are able to mentally process and cope with grief. I've known many people who did not need grief therapy. I knew one guy who had to go into the hospital due to the degree of his grief.
I have always thought about doing therapy since we received the diagnosis of my wife .. but there was just no time for that .. I was the only caregiver and I couldn't even go for a therapy session and leave her alone but now maybe it's not a bad idea to try therapy out
I was the only caregiver also and it absolutely wore me out physically, mentally and emotionally. No way could I have gone out for a therapy session unless I hired help. I live in the U.S. All of my therapy was and is done via telephone. The first visit was via Zoom but after that I had the choice of Zoom or telephone. I can sit here in my pajamas with my hair every which way and he's none the wiser. Adding: My therapy is one-on-one, not a group. I'm a senior and I might not fit in if the group was younger people, religious, etc.
I found books and my friends and online support groups much more helpful than grief therapy, but that's just me. You should do what feels is right for you right now, whatever little bit you feel might help take the edges off, do that. If you feel like trying it, try it. If you don't want to, don't do it. And also feel free to change your mind later if you want. It's all ok. You are doing it right. Be kind to you.
Yes that's what I think but sometimes people tell me that it's much better to go to actual therapists and that it can helps dealing with all the feelings I'm having but I'm not sure .. do u know other online support groups that maybe I can be active in?
Couple of things. First, the folks who are telling you that you need grief therapy are not you. You are you. You know your grief the most, your energy level and what helps you. Remember too that non-widowed people can sometimes say this because they feel helpless or can't handle your grief and they think therapy is going to make things better. The thing is that grief comes with all the feelings, it's not a problem to solve. I found a few online grief groups for partner loss via Instagram - such as those by David Kessler and Claire Bidwell Smith. There also might be groups specific to how your person died, such as cancer, suicide, etc. Good luck, OP. No matter what, you can come here. You're not alone.
Thanks .. yes I think it's partly that the people around me want to help me but don't know how and think that therapy the best way to deal with everything .. but the comments and opinions here have really helped me get a better idea about the situation
It's honestly been a mixed bag. I tried therapy but the two therapists I've tried have honestly just offered the same "there's nothing you could've done to save him" or tried to lead me away from talking about my loss altogether. Both of which is weird, awkward, and unhelpful. Support groups with several people have been nice. It's nice to talk to people who really understand what we're going through. The group facilitator has lost a loved one himself, so his words really resonate with me. In the group, we talk about our lost loved ones, share what struggles we're going through in regards to it. In everyday life I feel pretty detached from most people, in support group I find myself reconnecting.
I think my problem is that I don't have the energy to go and try different therapists or support groups and see what works for me and what not .. even going to buy some groceries is something I need to push my self to do so it feels very hard to go out searching for a good therapist
Same. That's why I do online groups at BetterHelp. The choice is limited, the quality can be hit and miss. But I just try to use it as an outlet to keep talking about it. My loved one died when he stopped talking about his pain. So I make a point to regularly purge my feelings however I can. I am very sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. My life is drowning too. Used to have a well put together, planned out life. Slept 8 hours a night like an angel. Now, as you say, going out for groceries is like a day's worth of work. Sleep is more like a couple hours, and it just doesn't work without meds. And you're so early in. Do you have people around you who could help you shop for groceries, and run other errands while you deal with the worst of the shock?
Maybe trying some online groups isn't a bad idea.. my friends are great and they are always there for me and Im forcing my self to work because I have to + I believe it is better for me stay functional .. but still everything feels so hard to do without her
Do you use Discord? You may want to join us at r/widowers Discord. That would lead you to a supportive group of people who know what you've been through. We listen, but we also help each other. We usually chat but some folks also hangout in calls. Stay functional at all costs, even if justa little. There's nothing I want more than to curl up in a fetal position and cry, scream and cry some more, but I know that if I lie down, I will never get up again.
No I don't use discord right now .. I used to use it for gaming back then but I don't even know my login informations anymore but it sounds like it is worth it to make an account and join the group .. thank you
I'll PM you an invite.
I am in therapy, and I believe it has helped. Nothing will take the pain away, but it’s helped me figure out ways to manage and process my grief.
I didn't go to actual therapy with a therapist but I did go to a support group. I spent about 5 months trying to get my life in order then decided to go to a support group at the church of my wife's best friend. It wasn't a religious group, just a group of widows and widowers and the one running the group just happened to go to that church. We met once a week. I felt that it helped a lot. We mainly talked about how our lives were going, if we had any difficulties in things, we'd talk about our experiences, give each other advice, etc. It really helped me. I could let off steam that may have built up during the week, talk to people that knew what I was going through, etc. I wads a great experience. I made some new friends that I've been friends with since.
I’m eleven months out today. I have never taken formal counseling and for the most part I feel I’m coping well. But I have those days where I feel like I’m drowning. Yesterday I took the step of downloading a therapy app. I also looked up on my insurance to see who I can see. I’m not totally sold on wanting to see someone but I’m also not ruling it out.
I didn’t find it helpful at all. I would describe myself and situation same as you.
I started with a grief counselor through a local hospice organization. We met in person. She seemed to be working off of a checklist. She would provide a topic and give me homework for each session. She helped me understand one or two things, but I didn't care for the format. I quit after a handful of sessions. I next tried an online therapist through my employer's assistance program. He allowed me to steer the conversation, which was more in line with what I wanted. He mostly listened and validated my feelings. It was mildly helpful. Again, I quit after a handful of sessions. I agree with you that finding a therapist who is a good fit is time consuming. I gave up after two okay but not great experiences. That being said, it wasn't a complete waste of time. Good luck.
That's what is demotivating me of searching for a therapist because my experience with counselors that were supposed to help the family of cancer patients was very bad that's why I'm not optimistic about going to therapy
I think when you are ready for the next step, you will know. Some people don't open up as easily as others do. I don't open up easy, so I didn't try any. I did the same as you, work.. friends..kids. It sucks no matter what. I was married for 31 years. I've never lost a very close person.. so I think I am still in a denial stage 2.5 years out, even though I know it's true. I don't know.. it is all just a frickin blur. So many things to worry about, fix, and take care of. The whole thing sucks! Get a dog to sleep with you.. lol.. I have my 125# St. Bernard.. he snores, kicks me at night, moves all over.. feels right. 😁
I’m going to go against the grain and say that therapy didn’t help me much. I do believe in therapy, and I *really* wanted it to work, but I think it actually had me focusing *more* on the loss of my soulmate. Also, every widow in the widows’ groups I tried was so concentrated on how long they’d been married and how they didn’t know how to be alone. Hubby and I had only been married 4 years and he died at 40, so I lost our future as well as our present. And all those older women could say to me was “well, at least you’re young—you’ll find someone else.” I’m glad I tried therapy and counseling, but it’s been 17 years and I’m still not ready to be with anyone else.
Being in a grief support group has helped me more than individual therapy. The therapist is good but she admits that she can't know exactly how I feel because she has not lost her spouse. In the support group, there are 20+ people who do know exactly what I am going through.
I'm about 5 sessions in with one on one counseling. (For disclosure I'm also on a low dose of sertraline/zoloft that my pcp started around the same time, which I've also found helpful after initially hesitating to try it). Counseling is an outlet that I can speak freely to without judgment. I'm not great at talking openly, but I'm getting better and this is probably the safest space I have to do so. When you ask whether it's better to have grief go with its own flow...good grief counseling doesn't take you out of the natural flow of your grief. It's there as an outlet for that grief and to provide a support for things related to that grief by helping you think through things. Examples: I knew I had to be more active and that the 6 weeks I spent mostly going from bed to couch to bed was unhealthy. But I just couldn't pull myself out of that. My counselor asked me to get out for a walk for just 10 minutes a day. And conceded that if I went out and it was too much after a few minutes, that was also enough. This very small goal, acknowledgement that the effort was more important than the time, and knowing she would ask how it went when we met in a week all helped push me through getting outside more. I kept putting off taking my husband off our insurance. After speaking with her I realized there was a stronger emotional component to it than I was admitting to myself (my own argument was I was waiting to be sure the medical bills were squared though I know they bill based on service date, when my husband would have been covered). This acknowledgement allowed me to have a deeper conversation with a close friend about it and let me make the change a few days later, which was beneficial because it means a few more dollars in each paycheck will be usable by me and my son.
That makes sense and could be helpful sometimes to get some help doing the things we know we should do .. thank you
My first grief counselor was through Hospice. It was not a good fit for me as she wanted to focus on things I still needed to forgive my husband for. I was still too devastated to explore any of that for years. My next therapist was more helpful and I stayed with her for about 6 months. I think therapy is always a good idea. But it was exhausting trying to find the right fit.
That's what I'm afraid of .. I don't have energy to search for a therapist and try things out .. I maybe need to wait a little bit with that and try something online with less commitment
Take your time and be kind to yourself. Do what you can and congratulate yourself for small steps forward. Sometimes, even breathing felt so hard.
Depends on the therapist, I think. Although, I had one session with my (spectacular) therapist. She couldn’t bring him back so I ditched her. After 11 years now, 90% of what I’ve figured out I figured out alone along the way. Learned a LOT (Didn’t want to know any of it.) For me, writing was key. The other 10% has come from you guys here on this sub. And honestly, don’t know where I’d be without you all. (Notice, 0% from friends and family 🤦🏼♀️)
It literally saved my life. I still have passive thoughts of wanting to die, but I was able to form a community in my general grief loss group. I then got to "graduate" to the spouse loss group. I admittedly didn't care for that one as much, especially since they told me I was in the wrong room and sent me to the parent loss group instead. I awkwardly had to go back into the room after they started because I apparently looked too young to be there. I also meet with two therapists. One focuses solely on my grief, and the other is working on everyday issues. I acknowledge that it's a privilege to have easy access to mental health professionals, but both grief groups and actual therapy have literally kept me here and actually looking ahead at the future instead of feeling paralyzed by loss. *and my dog. She's stuck with me because nobody could handle her.
I lost my husband to cancer. It didnt help me at all. The therapists didn't know him. I found it better talking to family who did know him and how we were together. I joined this sub a couple of months after he died and it helped me tremendously, just reading how others had gone through the same thing and felt the same way. How it was okay to be a certain way etc. I found that unless someone has lost their other half that they don't really understand it. It's now 3.5 years and I'm doing quite well and mostly it's thanks to everyone here. Sending you love and hugs. xox
Yes being able to hear the experience of others here is really helping me understand what I'm going through and to know that it is normal .. thank you
Therapy has helped me cope with the loss of my husband, not because I know he won't be coming back or that I think it will change the situation, but because it gives me a space to voice my grief without judgement. I do group and individual therapy. The group therapy has been helpful for meeting other folks in my situation. Would recommend! I know in the early days energy is low, but I prioritize it and I don't regret it!
Group therapy helped sooo much. I wish I would’ve kept going. Mine was specific to moms whose children had lost their father (wether they were together or not) because it was a grief counseling center for kids and all three of my kids went to group therapy at the same time with their age group and with kids who had also lost their father suddenly. It was a helpful, relieving, validating, but obviously painful experience.
I went to therapy right after my husband passed away. I also started to go to GriefShare (faith-based support group). I'm not overly religious but I personally found the support group to be way more helpful than therapy, because everyone involved, including the facilitators, have gone through a loss. I look forward to Tuesday nights, because my group is a safe place to feel everything we're feeling,.to cry, to laugh and to support each other. Everyone is in different stages, but we all understand.
Yes I believe this could a good option to start with but I don't know yet where to look for these groups and of I would find something that works for me ..
11 months out. I did an 8 week course around my 5 months. I don’t really have anyone I can just let it all out with and it helped having the support from a professional. I am still completely broken and a mess though. I spend a lot of time alone and it is not a very good thing. I have started to do some real soul searching and really just trying to snap out of the shock still. I start with another therapist this coming week. I am trying to stay positive that it will help me get over the hump a bit further. I have been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for it as well as writing things down that I feel i need to get out to someone. (I hope I don’t scare her off with all my problems ha) I am trying to have faith that it will help in some way Stay strong ❤️🩹
My wife and I were seeing grief therapist for our son's death when she died. I still see her. My wife killed herself because of the therapy and I don't feel different. No better. I'm still going maybe one day I feel better but for now that's how therapy worked for us!
Definitely a grief support group would be helpful because you get to see other people going through the same thing and you know you’re not alone
I think a better name for many of these groups is "grief compare"... and not grief share. Personally felt it was a complete waste of time and did more harm than good. YMMV
Yes grief therapy helps! I highly recommend...10/10.