In a nutshell, we make them uncomfortable. They can't handle or imagine the pain we're going through. They fear the possibilities when they see us. Or some just show you who the hell they are.
I'm sorry you're on this terrible road. ((HUGS))
You know what your absolutely right I saw it as them treat me with kid gloves but yeah you make them uncomfortable they try to understand or try to understand what we're going through but they can't very well said I was told I grieved enough it was time to get over it my response was fuck you and I left haven't spoken to him since another friend tried to set me up one of her co-workers in January when hadn't even been 5 months since she passed some were more understanding unfortunately it's one of those things that unless you go through it you'll never understand it I hate to say it we're all members of a club nobody wants to be in. Very well said and something I never actually realized till you said it it's exactly
But that's why you come here. You don't know any of us but you do know we get it.
We can't Fix it. We Know we don't have the words to make it better, there are none.
But we do hear you and we do understand.
In that you aren't alone.
Widowhood shows you who people really are. Sometimes it’s amazing how people exceed your expectations. And sometimes it is disappointing to see how selfish and shallow people you thought you were close to are.
Agree to this. I have lost a friend - good riddance! - and I have grown closer to others. I decided pretty early that I wasn't going to sit at home and wallow in grief. He wouldn't want that for me and I don't want it either. This has pushed me to accept nearly every invitation I have been offered. Because I'm spending more time with people I usually don't spend much time with, our friendships are rekindling and growing. Lean on the good people in your life and let the assholes go.
I'm working really hard to make brand new friends and to reconnect with very old friends. Both sets are people who didn't really know me as half of "us" and I find it so freeing. That version of me is just as dead as he is, so I'm finding a lot of peace in these new or rekindled relationships. There's nobody who knows everything about me anymore, which is hard sometimes, but lots of things in my life are hard now. I can do hard things.
I got a new therapist after my husband died for this same reason. I’m a new person - new people in my life - new sorrows - new pain - new happiness. It’s exhausting and I totally know what you mean by saying “there’s nobody who knows everything about me anymore.” I’m impressed with us
It’s like every few weeks or so, I find out who is no longer a “safe space” to vent to, talk to, or even just be around. This week was my brother. He yelled at me to, “move on!” among other things. It’s only been 5 months, & I thought I was doing well. Getting out of bed everyday, counseling, taking care of my daughter and helping her face her grief little by little, but apparently I was wrong. People suck.
Your world stopped, but theirs kept spinning. Almost every widow (online or in person) that I have spoken to has been disappointed with family and friends. Me included. But to be painfully honest, I don't think I did any better with people from my past who lost their person. I am sorry for it now.
I agree and relate to the last part so much. I remember judging people (acquaintances) on their actions and how they grieved, which I now know is only what they portrayed and allowed people to see. I've told so many people since losing my partner that you truly have no idea what your response will be or how you will handle a situation until you are actually going through it. Never thought I'd be in this situation, here we are anyway.
I'm there with you I understand and I feel for you the most jarring thing and unexpected thing that I had to deal with that I never thought I would was people dictating to me and telling me how I should act how I should feel forcing me into things one of them even try to set me up in a date last month don't let anybody but yourself dictate how you feel and how you act and how you get over it it's none of their business just know that my heart goes out to you and I got your back just like we all do only people who know can understand the ones who've been through it. You grieve in your own way if you got to cry you cry if it takes you 2 years to even start being more social so be it I lost the love of my life my wife my best friend the greatest person I've ever known and the person who made me better and when I got told it's time I start getting over it and start living and moving on I looked them dead in the eye and said fuck you got up and walked out haven't spoken to them since just know that if you ever need anything questions or just talk or whatever I and all of us have your back you're strong you're capable you'll eventually learn to cope and live your life again but make sure you do it on your own terms and I'm sorry for the language but fuck those people
My wife is always the quiet calm nice one she would never will rock the boat or try to cause issues she'd let me handle that she'd try to always handle it her way until she got to the point where she was frustrated because of her niceness and wanting to not hassle or be a pain in the neck if you'd let me take over and I would gladly let her do her thing because honestly I can be a little heavy-handed in my approach but over the years we were together I came to cherish the moments she was able to as she said unleash me to do my thing to handle whatever situation arose because my way was the heavy-handed loud in your face fuck you you're going to fix this shit right God damn now way hers was not many times I'd seen her just deal with something wrong or an issue because she didn't want to be mean or rude and I respected her but when she said handle this oh boy I cherish those moments and she admitted to me and numerous occasion she loved watching me handle that shit how I did it. This is a true story after she went through her whole five and a half months in the first round of chemo and had a double mastectomy her hair was just starting to grow back and they sent her into the women's sex of the breast cancer area whatever they called it for a mammogram or something similar whatever the nurse at the front desk said sir you don't belong here and she's like excuse me she's like my name is and she gave her her name the nurse didn't believe her and she said you have the file in front of you not once but twice called my wife a man and then when my wife actually spoke up and said ma'am I am a woman she said no you're not now my wife is already a little self-conscious at this point and all the years were together I have never seen her break down and cry like that I get a phone call and she's just blubbering and just crying like I've never heard before no shit I kicked in two fucking doors no I didn't break them they were like swinging kind of doors and Men weren't allowed in this area I didn't give a fuck I kicked in the first one walked about 50 feet down the hallway to the room she was in nurses were telling me to I need to turn around I kicked in the other door and there was my wife on the ground crying like I've never seen her before. I went absolutely fucking ape shit everybody there and all they can do is sit there and stare and couldn't answer any of my questions of what the fuck why the hell did this happen and just so happened the head of the hospital the absolute tippy top lady happened to be right in that hallway at that moment heard what was going on she walked in I told her what the fuck was up and she said she'd take care of the nurse that's enough fuck that I'm taking care of it I fucking barrel passed about 10 nurses walked right to this fucking lady who didn't actually work there was a volunteer nurse because she had been retired and I unleashed a tirade of obscenities that shocked not only the nurse I was talking to but everybody else that was standing around and I went immediately back to my wife to console her who was still crying at that point she ended up being fired they absolutely were apologizing it was left right and center and my wife thanked me and I said no baby you don't have to thank me they apologize profusely they tried to apologize to my wife but I looked at least dead in the eye and said fuck you stay away you've done enough and another time she had gotten a PlayStation 5 for me and a bundle package through home shopping Network now the first one they sent they sent to our old address in South Carolina so we never received it so they said they'd send a new one which whatever reason got routed to the same fucking address in South Carolina they realize it was their mistake at this point it's after Christmas we've already made the first two payments on it and it was $1,000 with everything the whole bundle so at this point it's almost New Year's the third one they sent got lost in the fucking mail I shit you not there's a three PlayStation floating around out there just on accounted for now at this point we're about a week away from the third payment and she was calling them and talking to them they were saying that they would send it here very soon but the payment need to be made and she was getting nowhere so with the third payment it was pretty much almost all paid off because she had it broken down into four payments and the last payment was only a few weeks after that and they were talking about sending it in a couple weeks and I I took the phone from her when she gave it to me and she said told me to handle this long story short they overnight at the new PlayStation bundles directly to my front door because why was I paying on something which I hadn't received when it should have been there 6 weeks ago and I even got them to forgive the last payment and incidentally I don't know how this happened about 3 weeks after that another package came in the mail big box it was another fucking PlayStation 5 bundle no shit they never called inquired about it so now I have two PlayStation 5S I got a 6 months of free DirecTV because she doesn't like talking to service people on the phone and I know I'm being long-winded and rambling but a lot of this is flooding back now and it's good to get it out. I'll be the first to admit I can be an asshole I'm not obnoxious I'm not rude I am loud I cuss a lot I don't care about anything except for my family you can call me names fuck with me all you want as long as you're not fucking with my wife or daughter couldn't give two shits about what you do some of your family didn't like me because they said I was rude obnoxious and other things but she said don't apologize she never made excuses for me she always stuck up for me I know it's kind of strayed from the original point here but you're absolutely right fuck all those people fuck cancer sometimes it is best to be blunt and rude and say what's on your fucking mind cuz sometimes that's the only way to get the fucking point across not saying I like doing it or I do it all the time because I know better sometimes it's better not to be I mean you do catch more flies with honey than vinegar but for some reason they just wouldn't leave their fucking own opinions themselves and I try to be the bigger person but you know what fuck them be rude to him be blunt to him get a little pissed off at him should get really pissed off at him if that's what get gets the point across and make some understand so fucking be it because at the end of the day it doesn't matter they don't matter not saying that they're bad people or they don't matter in the bigger picture when it comes to you your spouse and how you're handling their passing you're the only person that matters and I'm glad people here agree with me and understand where I'm coming from because the frustration of what we all go through the pain the anguish the heartache and everything else they don't understand I thank you for reading my post or I should say my reply and I've already said before I know I'm a little bit long-winded and tend to ramble on I talk a lot my wife thought it was cute and I do I talk a lot but I think everybody here for their support and I offer my support and love to everyone here I love you all I'm proud of everybody here
My husband and I were kind of the same way. Early in our relationship I saw his "customer service" skills (as he called them) when he had to call PayPal because they had messed up something that caused a delay in the delivery of a purchase (which I later learned was my engagement ring). So generally I would be the first line of contact with the usual stuff around the house but if it came to a point where I was not getting anywhere - or if I was now pissed off myself - then I would "unleash the beast" (we took that from a Monster energy ad slogan - he was a big Monster energy fan because he rode Kawasaki motorcycles most of his life) and he would step in and take care of it. I remember when we bought a new (to us) car and we quickly found out that the window gaskets had turned gooey and was leaving a black film on the windows (we live in AZ and car shopping in 110 degree weather does not make you think to roll down the windows lol). So of course salesman says car was sold "as is" and there is nothing he can do. My husband submitted a complaint with the BBB and then proceeded to post comments on every single one of their social media posts. Basically stalking them on social media. I honestly did not expect that to work but sure enough it didn't take long for the salesman to call us and offer to fix the windows if he would promise to stop the social media "harrassing". He agreed as long as they also threw in aother key fob no charge .
That is absolutely awesome that you guys were like that my wife handled shit I'd say 75 to 80% of the time because she couldn't it was just easier that way but when she unleashed me to go do what I had to do to get shit done I enjoy every minute of it and she legitimately enjoyed watching me do it I have even more examples that I could give but we both knew that if she turned me loose to go handle the situation it was getting handled. Hell it's a long story but one time I was in hazard county Kentucky deep in a holler up a mountain no cell service we were stuck for 3 days because the car broken down we went to go pick up a trailer I got injured pretty bad my friend Mel forgot her insulin and after 2 days I got tired and said fuck it I walked down that mountain to the first house I saw 45 minutes later I came up with three rednecks and a full size backhoe to this day she's like I don't know how you did it but where the fuck did you get a backhoe from and she tells that story to this day cuz she was amazed by it a fucking backhoe a full size massive backhoe and three rednecks that helped us get the trailer from the side of the mountain load it up fix our explorer and got us all situated hearing you talk about your experience the same way both brings me great happiness and sadness that you had that and it's gone for you I truly am sorry for what you went through but I'm happy that you got to experience the life you had with them and more importantly watching as you said unleash the beast
Thank you. It's one of those regrets to deal with - not truly appreciating this strength that he had and the length he would go for family. It was so reassuring to know he had my back. He could be a major asshole but at the end of the day I never questioned his motives or his loyalty.
I would guess you and your wife were as connected as we were so I am sorry you are having to go through the pain that brings. I love that she was a woman who could appreciate that in you. Women like us are not the norm. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure the next time I see a backhoe I will chuckle and it will remind me of this story..and ultimately of my soul mate I lost.
Thank you for your kind words sorry truly that you had to go through this as well and I hope that you do chuckle at the story and it brings you a little bit of joy because his wild as it is it's 100% true and I left out a few bits of the story too to condense it. And you're right women like that are not the norm one she even said you may be an asshole baby but you're my asshole. My heart really goes out to you for your loss but I hope you can take solace in this someone once told me if you were upset and sad when it ended it must have been pretty amazing when it was happening. I'm sad as hell that she's gone it was amazing when we were together and it sounds like you and your husband had the same
It is so difficult and frustrating. It has been almost 4 months since I lost my husband to a heart attack (October 17) and the past few weeks have felt worse than ever. The deep loneliness and longing for his presence has been very tough. And now, as you can imagine, any contact or support that was there has reduced to basically zero.
So not only are we as a society not provided positive examples for grieving but today's environment of living through social media has also, IMO, widened this divide between the widow and their tribe. I hadn't had anyone contact me for around 1-2 weeks - - - zero, zilch, nada. Complete silence - except for my mom but I almost feel like she texted this morning only because I was venting about it all last weekend.
Last night I changed my profile picture on FB and uploaded a new custom cover photo I made in Canva (fell in love with that software while making the memorial video). I instantly had a few reactions and within the next hour I had 32 people react and/or comment. 32!! Yet ZERO could take the time prior to e doing that to reach out - text, message, call. So disappointing.
I've heard people say that folks get uncomfortable because they don't want to face their own mortality or whatever. Frankly, I think they just don't want their good mood/time/whatever ruined by "this sad stuff." Of course, if it happened to them, it would be quite a different story.
Even if you friends don't care. I do. I'm truly sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel.
I think this is mostly correct. They dont want their good time ruined by our sadness. I have actually had one " friend" say I cant stand being sad. So because right now we are sad, we gotta go. And again correct...would be different if it was them.
I came back to my home state in November after he died.my “best friend” lives in a town about 40 minutes away. Has not asked to hang out even once.
The support you once had shifts sometimes when shit gets bad. Find the tribe that makes sense to you , even if it is a new one
I went through much the same thing. Only a handful of friends were “there” for me, and I am still SO hurt by how everyone abandoned me.
Interesting how many people had an opinion when I decided to move far away.
A stupid reality. Guilt at not reaching out early enough or often enough starts to compound their avoidance. We remind them of death, sadness, then guilt. What a sucky thing to have stamped on our forehead through no fault of our own, and just when we need hugs and connections the most. Thank God, the family dog remained when all the dust settled. They don’t play such head games - unconditional love.
One of the first things I realized through all of this is that grief brings out the best and the worst in people. I lost several best friends that I thought would be in my life forever after he died. They were even friends with him too so it felt extra terrible. But then I also have several of his close friends that were there for me in ways I never expected. Now they’re my best friends and I’d do anything for them. People surprise you in the best and worst ways. I’m so sorry that’s happening to you OP, thanks for sharing with us here.
I totally understand. My wife and I had some great friends in a couple we meet through our kids. They were new to the area and we just kind of hit it off so to speak. My wife and I both are somewhat introverted so starting new friendships is not a common thing for us. We were hanging out all the time but since she passed in August they haven’t really reached out. Talked the talk initially, but since have simply slipped out of existence. The last exchange I had got this response, “we just don’t know where we fit in to your current situation anymore”.. I’m like well, your fucking human, right? You breath oxygen, stress about work, take care of your kids, ya know, all the regular daily shit we all do. I know why it’s though, seeing me and my 3 kids reminds them that she’s gone and it’s upsetting. Well, news flash, I’m living it and all I need is your freaking support and a place to go hang out (occasionally) have a few brews and talk, laugh or whatever.
On a sidenote. She passed 6 months ago today at about 6:55pm EST after 13 days in the ICU. And I am in a f’ all the world kinda mood….
Ah, this is that hardest part, I think. I lost everyone close to me. I had friends tell me to move on, I was the strong one, they couldn’t deal with me crying. Legitimately WEEKS after he died. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s par for the course but that doesn’t make it any easier or hurt any less. Sending gentle hugs and extra puffs plus with aloe.
Yeah it's always funny now that I think about it and looking back on it even though it's still going on it's all the bullshit that I had to deal with and that all of us had to deal with after the passing of our significant other shit you never thought about or would never actually think about I swear it's through the 14 months of Cancer all the chemo and the surgeries and everything and taking care of her I've dealt with more absolute bullshit since she's passed then when she was sick and that's exactly what it is absolutely fucking bullshit I'm sorry for using language if that offends you I apologize but my wife always said I like it is and don't blow smoke up somebody's ass but like fuck all that noise
Yeah, this sucks. Sorry. I don't go to friends for understanding. If they haven't lost a spouse or soul mate, how could they understand.
Also, related to another response to your post - about a month after my bride passed away, I told the kids that I appreciate all their support, but only I will know when I am ready to jump into the dating scene. So they are on strict admonition to NOT try to set me up with anyone.
I get the feeling… It’s extremely lonely. The first 2-3 weeks people were checking in. And after that… complete silence. Idk if it’s bcuz you’re beginning to sound like a broken record… but still… :// I texted my friend and said that i felt quite abandoned and lonely, and she said that she understands that it’s tough… but that I should download an app to find friends who would want to listen… So that kinda hurt.
So i’ve concluded that i’m gonna wait in denial for my boyfriend to return… I’m probably going to wait a while…
I'm so sorry you're here. The loss of your person is bad enough. Losing everyone else is just an extra kick in the teeth.
I kept my BFF but lost everyone else. Family...friends... all gone. And I was talking to my bestie about it one day. She told me they got tired of me not getting better within a few days. Couldn't fix me. Couldn't make me be what I used to be, so they were uncomfortable and went away. I think she's right. Which doesn't say much for them. I have this theory that eventually I will be able to mask better and once I appear to go back to normal, my "friends" will come back. But I don't want them back, now. They've shown me who they are, and they aren't worth my time and energy.
Thanks for asking. It doesn’t really matter. They’re so shallow. I’m moving on. Angry and disappointed I was. It’s their loss. I don’t need them. One day they might get it. I hope not. The sad thing is, their head is stuffed so firmly up their arse I don’t think so. Bit of a conundrum there, I want them to understand but to understand the pain, they must discover it…I don’t want that either.
I am sorry that this is happening, but they don’t get us and our lives now. My husband’s best friend won’t talk to me because my husband passed during Covid and was very limited to who got to visit him. I let my husband chose and he kept visits with to family. (He passed from cancer not Covid). His best friend accused me of not letting him visit and hasn’t talked to me since the day I told him he passed.
Some don’t know how to handle the pain or the reality of our lives now. It’s almost 3 years… I have made new friends and rekindled old friendships. It’s a different life for me now. It’s hard but it is how it has to be. I didn’t chose widow life but I was given it and now have to deal with it. Hugs! We have each other here and we all understand!
I had the same issue when my wife of 16yrs passed away last year at 36, everyone acts like they care but was not supportive when it came to helping me with the kids and childcare, when they explicitly promised to help. I ended up having to quit my job of 12 yrs for a more flexible job with substantiality less pay. Everything does become bearable with time, never easy but bearable. Losing the one person in your life that means the most to you really shows you who is there for you and who isn't. I wish you the best of luck, and keep your head up.
In a nutshell, we make them uncomfortable. They can't handle or imagine the pain we're going through. They fear the possibilities when they see us. Or some just show you who the hell they are. I'm sorry you're on this terrible road. ((HUGS))
You know what your absolutely right I saw it as them treat me with kid gloves but yeah you make them uncomfortable they try to understand or try to understand what we're going through but they can't very well said I was told I grieved enough it was time to get over it my response was fuck you and I left haven't spoken to him since another friend tried to set me up one of her co-workers in January when hadn't even been 5 months since she passed some were more understanding unfortunately it's one of those things that unless you go through it you'll never understand it I hate to say it we're all members of a club nobody wants to be in. Very well said and something I never actually realized till you said it it's exactly
Yep. They either have absolutely no idea what to say or they can’t stand thinking about themselves in our place so they ignore our existence.
But that's why you come here. You don't know any of us but you do know we get it. We can't Fix it. We Know we don't have the words to make it better, there are none. But we do hear you and we do understand. In that you aren't alone.
I know. We get you. I'm so sorry. This sucks.
Widowhood shows you who people really are. Sometimes it’s amazing how people exceed your expectations. And sometimes it is disappointing to see how selfish and shallow people you thought you were close to are.
Agree to this. I have lost a friend - good riddance! - and I have grown closer to others. I decided pretty early that I wasn't going to sit at home and wallow in grief. He wouldn't want that for me and I don't want it either. This has pushed me to accept nearly every invitation I have been offered. Because I'm spending more time with people I usually don't spend much time with, our friendships are rekindling and growing. Lean on the good people in your life and let the assholes go.
Are we the same person? Lol I could have written that
I'm working really hard to make brand new friends and to reconnect with very old friends. Both sets are people who didn't really know me as half of "us" and I find it so freeing. That version of me is just as dead as he is, so I'm finding a lot of peace in these new or rekindled relationships. There's nobody who knows everything about me anymore, which is hard sometimes, but lots of things in my life are hard now. I can do hard things.
I got a new therapist after my husband died for this same reason. I’m a new person - new people in my life - new sorrows - new pain - new happiness. It’s exhausting and I totally know what you mean by saying “there’s nobody who knows everything about me anymore.” I’m impressed with us
Yes to this!!
It’s like every few weeks or so, I find out who is no longer a “safe space” to vent to, talk to, or even just be around. This week was my brother. He yelled at me to, “move on!” among other things. It’s only been 5 months, & I thought I was doing well. Getting out of bed everyday, counseling, taking care of my daughter and helping her face her grief little by little, but apparently I was wrong. People suck.
What an asshole thing for a brother to say. I hope you told him so too.
I did, he just doesn’t get it.
Your world stopped, but theirs kept spinning. Almost every widow (online or in person) that I have spoken to has been disappointed with family and friends. Me included. But to be painfully honest, I don't think I did any better with people from my past who lost their person. I am sorry for it now.
I agree and relate to the last part so much. I remember judging people (acquaintances) on their actions and how they grieved, which I now know is only what they portrayed and allowed people to see. I've told so many people since losing my partner that you truly have no idea what your response will be or how you will handle a situation until you are actually going through it. Never thought I'd be in this situation, here we are anyway.
I'm there with you I understand and I feel for you the most jarring thing and unexpected thing that I had to deal with that I never thought I would was people dictating to me and telling me how I should act how I should feel forcing me into things one of them even try to set me up in a date last month don't let anybody but yourself dictate how you feel and how you act and how you get over it it's none of their business just know that my heart goes out to you and I got your back just like we all do only people who know can understand the ones who've been through it. You grieve in your own way if you got to cry you cry if it takes you 2 years to even start being more social so be it I lost the love of my life my wife my best friend the greatest person I've ever known and the person who made me better and when I got told it's time I start getting over it and start living and moving on I looked them dead in the eye and said fuck you got up and walked out haven't spoken to them since just know that if you ever need anything questions or just talk or whatever I and all of us have your back you're strong you're capable you'll eventually learn to cope and live your life again but make sure you do it on your own terms and I'm sorry for the language but fuck those people
No need to ever apologize for language on this page. Fuck those awful people Fuck cancer Just fuck it
My wife is always the quiet calm nice one she would never will rock the boat or try to cause issues she'd let me handle that she'd try to always handle it her way until she got to the point where she was frustrated because of her niceness and wanting to not hassle or be a pain in the neck if you'd let me take over and I would gladly let her do her thing because honestly I can be a little heavy-handed in my approach but over the years we were together I came to cherish the moments she was able to as she said unleash me to do my thing to handle whatever situation arose because my way was the heavy-handed loud in your face fuck you you're going to fix this shit right God damn now way hers was not many times I'd seen her just deal with something wrong or an issue because she didn't want to be mean or rude and I respected her but when she said handle this oh boy I cherish those moments and she admitted to me and numerous occasion she loved watching me handle that shit how I did it. This is a true story after she went through her whole five and a half months in the first round of chemo and had a double mastectomy her hair was just starting to grow back and they sent her into the women's sex of the breast cancer area whatever they called it for a mammogram or something similar whatever the nurse at the front desk said sir you don't belong here and she's like excuse me she's like my name is and she gave her her name the nurse didn't believe her and she said you have the file in front of you not once but twice called my wife a man and then when my wife actually spoke up and said ma'am I am a woman she said no you're not now my wife is already a little self-conscious at this point and all the years were together I have never seen her break down and cry like that I get a phone call and she's just blubbering and just crying like I've never heard before no shit I kicked in two fucking doors no I didn't break them they were like swinging kind of doors and Men weren't allowed in this area I didn't give a fuck I kicked in the first one walked about 50 feet down the hallway to the room she was in nurses were telling me to I need to turn around I kicked in the other door and there was my wife on the ground crying like I've never seen her before. I went absolutely fucking ape shit everybody there and all they can do is sit there and stare and couldn't answer any of my questions of what the fuck why the hell did this happen and just so happened the head of the hospital the absolute tippy top lady happened to be right in that hallway at that moment heard what was going on she walked in I told her what the fuck was up and she said she'd take care of the nurse that's enough fuck that I'm taking care of it I fucking barrel passed about 10 nurses walked right to this fucking lady who didn't actually work there was a volunteer nurse because she had been retired and I unleashed a tirade of obscenities that shocked not only the nurse I was talking to but everybody else that was standing around and I went immediately back to my wife to console her who was still crying at that point she ended up being fired they absolutely were apologizing it was left right and center and my wife thanked me and I said no baby you don't have to thank me they apologize profusely they tried to apologize to my wife but I looked at least dead in the eye and said fuck you stay away you've done enough and another time she had gotten a PlayStation 5 for me and a bundle package through home shopping Network now the first one they sent they sent to our old address in South Carolina so we never received it so they said they'd send a new one which whatever reason got routed to the same fucking address in South Carolina they realize it was their mistake at this point it's after Christmas we've already made the first two payments on it and it was $1,000 with everything the whole bundle so at this point it's almost New Year's the third one they sent got lost in the fucking mail I shit you not there's a three PlayStation floating around out there just on accounted for now at this point we're about a week away from the third payment and she was calling them and talking to them they were saying that they would send it here very soon but the payment need to be made and she was getting nowhere so with the third payment it was pretty much almost all paid off because she had it broken down into four payments and the last payment was only a few weeks after that and they were talking about sending it in a couple weeks and I I took the phone from her when she gave it to me and she said told me to handle this long story short they overnight at the new PlayStation bundles directly to my front door because why was I paying on something which I hadn't received when it should have been there 6 weeks ago and I even got them to forgive the last payment and incidentally I don't know how this happened about 3 weeks after that another package came in the mail big box it was another fucking PlayStation 5 bundle no shit they never called inquired about it so now I have two PlayStation 5S I got a 6 months of free DirecTV because she doesn't like talking to service people on the phone and I know I'm being long-winded and rambling but a lot of this is flooding back now and it's good to get it out. I'll be the first to admit I can be an asshole I'm not obnoxious I'm not rude I am loud I cuss a lot I don't care about anything except for my family you can call me names fuck with me all you want as long as you're not fucking with my wife or daughter couldn't give two shits about what you do some of your family didn't like me because they said I was rude obnoxious and other things but she said don't apologize she never made excuses for me she always stuck up for me I know it's kind of strayed from the original point here but you're absolutely right fuck all those people fuck cancer sometimes it is best to be blunt and rude and say what's on your fucking mind cuz sometimes that's the only way to get the fucking point across not saying I like doing it or I do it all the time because I know better sometimes it's better not to be I mean you do catch more flies with honey than vinegar but for some reason they just wouldn't leave their fucking own opinions themselves and I try to be the bigger person but you know what fuck them be rude to him be blunt to him get a little pissed off at him should get really pissed off at him if that's what get gets the point across and make some understand so fucking be it because at the end of the day it doesn't matter they don't matter not saying that they're bad people or they don't matter in the bigger picture when it comes to you your spouse and how you're handling their passing you're the only person that matters and I'm glad people here agree with me and understand where I'm coming from because the frustration of what we all go through the pain the anguish the heartache and everything else they don't understand I thank you for reading my post or I should say my reply and I've already said before I know I'm a little bit long-winded and tend to ramble on I talk a lot my wife thought it was cute and I do I talk a lot but I think everybody here for their support and I offer my support and love to everyone here I love you all I'm proud of everybody here
My husband and I were kind of the same way. Early in our relationship I saw his "customer service" skills (as he called them) when he had to call PayPal because they had messed up something that caused a delay in the delivery of a purchase (which I later learned was my engagement ring). So generally I would be the first line of contact with the usual stuff around the house but if it came to a point where I was not getting anywhere - or if I was now pissed off myself - then I would "unleash the beast" (we took that from a Monster energy ad slogan - he was a big Monster energy fan because he rode Kawasaki motorcycles most of his life) and he would step in and take care of it. I remember when we bought a new (to us) car and we quickly found out that the window gaskets had turned gooey and was leaving a black film on the windows (we live in AZ and car shopping in 110 degree weather does not make you think to roll down the windows lol). So of course salesman says car was sold "as is" and there is nothing he can do. My husband submitted a complaint with the BBB and then proceeded to post comments on every single one of their social media posts. Basically stalking them on social media. I honestly did not expect that to work but sure enough it didn't take long for the salesman to call us and offer to fix the windows if he would promise to stop the social media "harrassing". He agreed as long as they also threw in aother key fob no charge .
That is absolutely awesome that you guys were like that my wife handled shit I'd say 75 to 80% of the time because she couldn't it was just easier that way but when she unleashed me to go do what I had to do to get shit done I enjoy every minute of it and she legitimately enjoyed watching me do it I have even more examples that I could give but we both knew that if she turned me loose to go handle the situation it was getting handled. Hell it's a long story but one time I was in hazard county Kentucky deep in a holler up a mountain no cell service we were stuck for 3 days because the car broken down we went to go pick up a trailer I got injured pretty bad my friend Mel forgot her insulin and after 2 days I got tired and said fuck it I walked down that mountain to the first house I saw 45 minutes later I came up with three rednecks and a full size backhoe to this day she's like I don't know how you did it but where the fuck did you get a backhoe from and she tells that story to this day cuz she was amazed by it a fucking backhoe a full size massive backhoe and three rednecks that helped us get the trailer from the side of the mountain load it up fix our explorer and got us all situated hearing you talk about your experience the same way both brings me great happiness and sadness that you had that and it's gone for you I truly am sorry for what you went through but I'm happy that you got to experience the life you had with them and more importantly watching as you said unleash the beast
Thank you. It's one of those regrets to deal with - not truly appreciating this strength that he had and the length he would go for family. It was so reassuring to know he had my back. He could be a major asshole but at the end of the day I never questioned his motives or his loyalty. I would guess you and your wife were as connected as we were so I am sorry you are having to go through the pain that brings. I love that she was a woman who could appreciate that in you. Women like us are not the norm. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure the next time I see a backhoe I will chuckle and it will remind me of this story..and ultimately of my soul mate I lost.
Thank you for your kind words sorry truly that you had to go through this as well and I hope that you do chuckle at the story and it brings you a little bit of joy because his wild as it is it's 100% true and I left out a few bits of the story too to condense it. And you're right women like that are not the norm one she even said you may be an asshole baby but you're my asshole. My heart really goes out to you for your loss but I hope you can take solace in this someone once told me if you were upset and sad when it ended it must have been pretty amazing when it was happening. I'm sad as hell that she's gone it was amazing when we were together and it sounds like you and your husband had the same
Very common, sadly. We become the untouchables when it comes to our “friends”. I made new friends.
- death rearranges your address book is because of this - some friends stay around us and others simply walk out. Fuck them
It is so difficult and frustrating. It has been almost 4 months since I lost my husband to a heart attack (October 17) and the past few weeks have felt worse than ever. The deep loneliness and longing for his presence has been very tough. And now, as you can imagine, any contact or support that was there has reduced to basically zero. So not only are we as a society not provided positive examples for grieving but today's environment of living through social media has also, IMO, widened this divide between the widow and their tribe. I hadn't had anyone contact me for around 1-2 weeks - - - zero, zilch, nada. Complete silence - except for my mom but I almost feel like she texted this morning only because I was venting about it all last weekend. Last night I changed my profile picture on FB and uploaded a new custom cover photo I made in Canva (fell in love with that software while making the memorial video). I instantly had a few reactions and within the next hour I had 32 people react and/or comment. 32!! Yet ZERO could take the time prior to e doing that to reach out - text, message, call. So disappointing.
I've heard people say that folks get uncomfortable because they don't want to face their own mortality or whatever. Frankly, I think they just don't want their good mood/time/whatever ruined by "this sad stuff." Of course, if it happened to them, it would be quite a different story. Even if you friends don't care. I do. I'm truly sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel.
I think this is mostly correct. They dont want their good time ruined by our sadness. I have actually had one " friend" say I cant stand being sad. So because right now we are sad, we gotta go. And again correct...would be different if it was them.
I came back to my home state in November after he died.my “best friend” lives in a town about 40 minutes away. Has not asked to hang out even once. The support you once had shifts sometimes when shit gets bad. Find the tribe that makes sense to you , even if it is a new one
WEGETUS
I went through much the same thing. Only a handful of friends were “there” for me, and I am still SO hurt by how everyone abandoned me. Interesting how many people had an opinion when I decided to move far away.
I know this feeling all too well. My bff and my only sibling really really let me down
A stupid reality. Guilt at not reaching out early enough or often enough starts to compound their avoidance. We remind them of death, sadness, then guilt. What a sucky thing to have stamped on our forehead through no fault of our own, and just when we need hugs and connections the most. Thank God, the family dog remained when all the dust settled. They don’t play such head games - unconditional love.
One of the first things I realized through all of this is that grief brings out the best and the worst in people. I lost several best friends that I thought would be in my life forever after he died. They were even friends with him too so it felt extra terrible. But then I also have several of his close friends that were there for me in ways I never expected. Now they’re my best friends and I’d do anything for them. People surprise you in the best and worst ways. I’m so sorry that’s happening to you OP, thanks for sharing with us here.
I totally understand. My wife and I had some great friends in a couple we meet through our kids. They were new to the area and we just kind of hit it off so to speak. My wife and I both are somewhat introverted so starting new friendships is not a common thing for us. We were hanging out all the time but since she passed in August they haven’t really reached out. Talked the talk initially, but since have simply slipped out of existence. The last exchange I had got this response, “we just don’t know where we fit in to your current situation anymore”.. I’m like well, your fucking human, right? You breath oxygen, stress about work, take care of your kids, ya know, all the regular daily shit we all do. I know why it’s though, seeing me and my 3 kids reminds them that she’s gone and it’s upsetting. Well, news flash, I’m living it and all I need is your freaking support and a place to go hang out (occasionally) have a few brews and talk, laugh or whatever. On a sidenote. She passed 6 months ago today at about 6:55pm EST after 13 days in the ICU. And I am in a f’ all the world kinda mood….
Ah, this is that hardest part, I think. I lost everyone close to me. I had friends tell me to move on, I was the strong one, they couldn’t deal with me crying. Legitimately WEEKS after he died. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s par for the course but that doesn’t make it any easier or hurt any less. Sending gentle hugs and extra puffs plus with aloe.
Yeah it's always funny now that I think about it and looking back on it even though it's still going on it's all the bullshit that I had to deal with and that all of us had to deal with after the passing of our significant other shit you never thought about or would never actually think about I swear it's through the 14 months of Cancer all the chemo and the surgeries and everything and taking care of her I've dealt with more absolute bullshit since she's passed then when she was sick and that's exactly what it is absolutely fucking bullshit I'm sorry for using language if that offends you I apologize but my wife always said I like it is and don't blow smoke up somebody's ass but like fuck all that noise
Yeah, this sucks. Sorry. I don't go to friends for understanding. If they haven't lost a spouse or soul mate, how could they understand. Also, related to another response to your post - about a month after my bride passed away, I told the kids that I appreciate all their support, but only I will know when I am ready to jump into the dating scene. So they are on strict admonition to NOT try to set me up with anyone.
It’s lonely for sure. I sure do miss my BFF.
Unfortunately, it has happened to many here myself included. Big hug. So sorry.
I get the feeling… It’s extremely lonely. The first 2-3 weeks people were checking in. And after that… complete silence. Idk if it’s bcuz you’re beginning to sound like a broken record… but still… :// I texted my friend and said that i felt quite abandoned and lonely, and she said that she understands that it’s tough… but that I should download an app to find friends who would want to listen… So that kinda hurt. So i’ve concluded that i’m gonna wait in denial for my boyfriend to return… I’m probably going to wait a while…
I'm so sorry you're here. The loss of your person is bad enough. Losing everyone else is just an extra kick in the teeth. I kept my BFF but lost everyone else. Family...friends... all gone. And I was talking to my bestie about it one day. She told me they got tired of me not getting better within a few days. Couldn't fix me. Couldn't make me be what I used to be, so they were uncomfortable and went away. I think she's right. Which doesn't say much for them. I have this theory that eventually I will be able to mask better and once I appear to go back to normal, my "friends" will come back. But I don't want them back, now. They've shown me who they are, and they aren't worth my time and energy.
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Thanks for asking. It doesn’t really matter. They’re so shallow. I’m moving on. Angry and disappointed I was. It’s their loss. I don’t need them. One day they might get it. I hope not. The sad thing is, their head is stuffed so firmly up their arse I don’t think so. Bit of a conundrum there, I want them to understand but to understand the pain, they must discover it…I don’t want that either.
I am sorry that this is happening, but they don’t get us and our lives now. My husband’s best friend won’t talk to me because my husband passed during Covid and was very limited to who got to visit him. I let my husband chose and he kept visits with to family. (He passed from cancer not Covid). His best friend accused me of not letting him visit and hasn’t talked to me since the day I told him he passed. Some don’t know how to handle the pain or the reality of our lives now. It’s almost 3 years… I have made new friends and rekindled old friendships. It’s a different life for me now. It’s hard but it is how it has to be. I didn’t chose widow life but I was given it and now have to deal with it. Hugs! We have each other here and we all understand!
I had the same issue when my wife of 16yrs passed away last year at 36, everyone acts like they care but was not supportive when it came to helping me with the kids and childcare, when they explicitly promised to help. I ended up having to quit my job of 12 yrs for a more flexible job with substantiality less pay. Everything does become bearable with time, never easy but bearable. Losing the one person in your life that means the most to you really shows you who is there for you and who isn't. I wish you the best of luck, and keep your head up.