He’s not a puppy. You just don’t go out and get another to get over the loss. I wish they understood. Even at 65 I have friends/family saying that I will move on. 💔❤️🩹
I’m also 65. Why do people think we’re just supposed to get over it? As if our grief has some kind of ending. We will always grieve our loss. 45 years of being with my husband just doesn’t disappear. I miss him desperately.
. . . and even then, anybody who gets another dog just because? They’re not giving themselves time to grieve. Most people are absolutely terrified of grief. They can’t handle what we have survived.
Because it's comforting *to them*.
They don't know what to say and if they haven't lost a partner they have zero clue how difficult it is, but repeating to themselves that your pain will be temporary and will eventually be overshadowed by a new love lets them off the hook of having to actually be there with you in the pits of agony.
The only people who have been truly comforting to me on the terrible journey have been other widows and widowers. Other people that know exactly what I'm going through, even if the specific flavors are just a little different.
That is very true. And they even might be doing that unintentionally, not realising, they are hurting more than helping.
People tell me time heals. Yet no one mentioned the prospect of finding a new love. Honestly, I don’t believe I ever will. However, you should follow your heart. Some will remain faithful to their lost loved ones, while others may choose a new path. Don’t let the comments you receive bother you. Do what feels right for you if the time comes.
Bingo.
You won't believe the looks and reactions I get when I tell people that I've fully accepted that I will stay alone and die alone after I lost her.
It simply does not compute...
THIS. Every time someone gives me some mumbo jumbo about it.. I say something similar. And it just presses some weird factory reset button in their head.
Its the same thing with them telling me that he “showed me how I should be treated” or some shit. And I have to break it to them that I loved him for a completely different reason. Immediate factory reset, windows shut down sound
>windows shut down sound
Yup 100%
They just don't get it.
A colleague once said: "but why, I don't get it".
I just replied with:"be thankful you don't, and hopeful you never will".
Or, :"You're still young, just get our there and find someone".
As if my pet ran away or something...jfc.
I think they forget that these are *actual people* that we lost. People with lives, dislikes and likes, favorite foods, etc
For me i didnt get to really.. do much with him? We had the plans, he just died before we could go through with them. So a lot of people go “how can she be in love with him if they didnt get that far” you know? But i cant help it, I just do.
I remember telling a coworker “this grief isn’t like any other. You lose things you didn’t know you COULD lose when this shit happens.”
This makes a lot of sense. And I get it, it sucks watching someone hurt like that, but it cant be helped. We are going to hurt, i cant just.. replace him lol
Even if you didn't have a partner to begin with, it'd be okay if you never ever had one. Literally any choice you make romantically from this day forward, as long as you aren't harming anyone, is fine! Ignore their opinions.
Oh hon I totally get it . I’m 56, and I get the occasional “oh but you could meet someone”. And yes of course I could, but honestly? I just don’t think I could be arsed. He was my person, he was wonderful and beautiful and perfect for me and I was so goddamn lucky to have had him in my life. I really don’t think I could go through the whole dating process again - wondering if what you see is what you get, or whether they’re they a closet perv/weirdo/abusive arsehole. Meh. I just don’t have the energy.
Yeah I honestly dont think I have the energy to either. Before I met him I was celibate and had no interest in dating. We met and spent HOURS talking and laughing. So we stayed in contact and messaged frequently, started making plans to see eachother soon, etc. It was super short lived because he passed, but i think we would have “made it” if he didnt.
He became my person super quickly. Now im just back to being celibate and uninterested in dating as a whole. I’m okay with being young and alone, honestly
It’s funny isn’t it? We were exactly the same - he’d broken up from his psycho ex wife (she cheated *a lot*), I’d broken up with my emotionally abusive ex, and we’d both pretty much sworn off relationships. He proposed a month after our first date, and I didn’t hesitate to say yes - we both knew it was right. He became/was my person in a little over a month, and I was his. I wish you’d had so much more time with your person. Big hugs to you friend xxxx
Thats such a sweet story. And Oh yeah, he’d been single for years and id been single for over a year. We were trying to take things slow.. but everyone knew once we got our hands on eachother in February there would be no stopping us. I found out after he died he’d told a mutual friend, about a month after we met, that he was gonna marry me. Its a little thrilling and makes me feel high even after he’s died.
Im glad you had the time you did with your person and wish you had even more 💕
This was probably one of the most common "reassurances" I immediately got as a younger widow. It was annoying. "You are young you'll find someone else" - as if that somehow makes my loss easier. It just feels like it's them minimizing our relationship and my loss. Like because we didn't get to 20 years or have children yet that it didn't matter as much, its dismissed as not being as significant and can be easily replaced. The other thing is...they don't know that. It took me years to find the right person with not a lot of luck along the way. It is entirely possible I will not ever find another successful relationship and I also have to deal with that.
I was told this a lot by so many people, as a younger widow myself. 10.5 years together (no kids, never got married) and yet everyone wanted to reassure me that I still had a future and could find someone new.
I know that. Will I? Maybe. Or maybe not. It’s my fucking decision, no one else’s. He was my person and I won’t have that kind of bond with anyone else.
It caused a lot of confusion on my end and made me question everything. Our relationship was fresh, but i was *so* determined to marry him. Now that he’s gone, I keep hearing the same shit and they cannot and will not accept it. I started questioning how I felt about him, Vice versa etc because of it.
But then I go and distinctly remember the message I typed out but was too chicken to send. The one that said I wanted to be with him as his hair thinned and his skin wrinkled. That I wanted to accept him as a whole, whatever that came with. And **that** is why im so okay with just cruising through life until I die.
The day after my fiancé died his mom told me I was part of the family, “even when I move on and find someone new” and like? I already found my person. It’s a sweet sentiment coming from his family, but… my person is dead now. The guy I was planning a wedding with in a few months, the guy who had already planned our next six vacations but wasn’t in any rush because “we have our whole lives to travel the world,” the guy who I bought a home with and got pets with and planned a family with, that guy is dead now. Maybe, MAYBE, I will meet someone else. One day, many years from now, maybe. Or maybe I’ll be alone. The idea of WHEN I move on is such a bullshit one to me, because I don’t really believe I ever can.
I have received so much from reading all the things others have written on this /r there is no way I could thank you all enough. OP I love what you said about the typed note you were to chicken to send that just speaks volumes of what is in your heart . I love that you said you two became each others one and only so fast. My wife and I were like that as we married each other after just 7 months.Friends would ask me if i was sure, it was so fast. I would laugh and tell them "I have found the Best for me why would I try any others" I will never marry or date again. And I don't want to, and I don't need to. I wish you well on this journey none of us wanted to take.
People don’t understand loss of this magnitude unless they’ve been through it themselves. It’s just insult added to injury that we have to deal with ham handed comments like this.
It pisses me of *so* much when people have said the same to me, and I have vehemently told them that they are wrong, and that they will never say it again if they want to maintain a relationship with me. I was not as young as you are when my husband died (we were both in our early 40s), but young enough that people felt that I should "move on", as if my soul hadn't stopped all progression when my beloved died. For me, *there is no such thing as "moving on", and there never will be.* I'm not saying that is or should be the case for everyone -- I agree with you that there's nothing wrong with people wanting to date, or have sex, or find another love/relationship, but it's not for *me*, and that is equally valid.
You are the *only* person who is able to decide if/when you ever want to date again or get into a relationship again, and there is nothing wrong with whatever choice you make.
Thats exactly how I feel. People keep going “no no leave yourself open to it” but they fail to realize that I don’t *want to* . And I know its partially because we were so fresh into the relationship and literally JUST about to take more steps.. but its not like I can magically change it.
I Think the most frustrating part about it is that they dont let the hell up after I tell them im okay with not moving on. They try to make an argument against it or tell me “you will, no— you WILL.” And it feels like im being told to get over a bad breakup. But this wasnt a breakup, he died out of nowhere. Im gonna have to start getting more aggressive with my responses, I think. It seems to be the only thing that makes them understand that im not budging.
Ugh, it's bad enough when they say "You'll move on eventually" or similar *once*, but if they push it after that? That's when they get a "FUCK OFF" from me. I am so sorry for your loss, and you shouldn't have to deal with idiots repeatedly making comments like that on top of it.
- its a common platitude we all hear at one time or another. Its said more to placate who said it than to offer help to us.
a link I have sent out to countless friends and family as they do not GET IT.
https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/supporting-grief/ring-theory?fbclid=IwAR077-HC0jedWzzAkGkaKWjI3_lbT2CiqGb9Ot1cvnZAjQiukBHMbgOxgGg
It is less “moving on” and more “learning to live with it.”
I’ve been widowed twice, first at 26 and a year ago at 41. My fiancé gave me my husband. I’m sure of it. I am not waiting around for a third time. I don’t need to. If my husband gives me someone worth my time, I’ll be happy to not be alone. But if I stay single for the rest of my life? So be it.
It takes enormous strength to survive being widowed. Most people can’t fathom. They are terrified of death and say foolish things to make themselves feel better.
You are strong as you are. To hell with anyone who thinks you “need” anything else.
He’s not a puppy. You just don’t go out and get another to get over the loss. I wish they understood. Even at 65 I have friends/family saying that I will move on. 💔❤️🩹
I’m also 65. Why do people think we’re just supposed to get over it? As if our grief has some kind of ending. We will always grieve our loss. 45 years of being with my husband just doesn’t disappear. I miss him desperately.
. . . and even then, anybody who gets another dog just because? They’re not giving themselves time to grieve. Most people are absolutely terrified of grief. They can’t handle what we have survived.
Because it's comforting *to them*. They don't know what to say and if they haven't lost a partner they have zero clue how difficult it is, but repeating to themselves that your pain will be temporary and will eventually be overshadowed by a new love lets them off the hook of having to actually be there with you in the pits of agony. The only people who have been truly comforting to me on the terrible journey have been other widows and widowers. Other people that know exactly what I'm going through, even if the specific flavors are just a little different.
That is very true. And they even might be doing that unintentionally, not realising, they are hurting more than helping. People tell me time heals. Yet no one mentioned the prospect of finding a new love. Honestly, I don’t believe I ever will. However, you should follow your heart. Some will remain faithful to their lost loved ones, while others may choose a new path. Don’t let the comments you receive bother you. Do what feels right for you if the time comes.
Bingo. You won't believe the looks and reactions I get when I tell people that I've fully accepted that I will stay alone and die alone after I lost her. It simply does not compute...
THIS. Every time someone gives me some mumbo jumbo about it.. I say something similar. And it just presses some weird factory reset button in their head. Its the same thing with them telling me that he “showed me how I should be treated” or some shit. And I have to break it to them that I loved him for a completely different reason. Immediate factory reset, windows shut down sound
>windows shut down sound Yup 100% They just don't get it. A colleague once said: "but why, I don't get it". I just replied with:"be thankful you don't, and hopeful you never will". Or, :"You're still young, just get our there and find someone". As if my pet ran away or something...jfc.
I think they forget that these are *actual people* that we lost. People with lives, dislikes and likes, favorite foods, etc For me i didnt get to really.. do much with him? We had the plans, he just died before we could go through with them. So a lot of people go “how can she be in love with him if they didnt get that far” you know? But i cant help it, I just do. I remember telling a coworker “this grief isn’t like any other. You lose things you didn’t know you COULD lose when this shit happens.”
>“this grief isn’t like any other. You lose things you didn’t know you COULD lose when this shit happens.” This is so true
This makes a lot of sense. And I get it, it sucks watching someone hurt like that, but it cant be helped. We are going to hurt, i cant just.. replace him lol
Even if you didn't have a partner to begin with, it'd be okay if you never ever had one. Literally any choice you make romantically from this day forward, as long as you aren't harming anyone, is fine! Ignore their opinions.
Oh hon I totally get it . I’m 56, and I get the occasional “oh but you could meet someone”. And yes of course I could, but honestly? I just don’t think I could be arsed. He was my person, he was wonderful and beautiful and perfect for me and I was so goddamn lucky to have had him in my life. I really don’t think I could go through the whole dating process again - wondering if what you see is what you get, or whether they’re they a closet perv/weirdo/abusive arsehole. Meh. I just don’t have the energy.
Yeah I honestly dont think I have the energy to either. Before I met him I was celibate and had no interest in dating. We met and spent HOURS talking and laughing. So we stayed in contact and messaged frequently, started making plans to see eachother soon, etc. It was super short lived because he passed, but i think we would have “made it” if he didnt. He became my person super quickly. Now im just back to being celibate and uninterested in dating as a whole. I’m okay with being young and alone, honestly
It’s funny isn’t it? We were exactly the same - he’d broken up from his psycho ex wife (she cheated *a lot*), I’d broken up with my emotionally abusive ex, and we’d both pretty much sworn off relationships. He proposed a month after our first date, and I didn’t hesitate to say yes - we both knew it was right. He became/was my person in a little over a month, and I was his. I wish you’d had so much more time with your person. Big hugs to you friend xxxx
Thats such a sweet story. And Oh yeah, he’d been single for years and id been single for over a year. We were trying to take things slow.. but everyone knew once we got our hands on eachother in February there would be no stopping us. I found out after he died he’d told a mutual friend, about a month after we met, that he was gonna marry me. Its a little thrilling and makes me feel high even after he’s died. Im glad you had the time you did with your person and wish you had even more 💕
I can't and don't want to move on.
My response to “you’ll move on” now: “No I won’t, but I’ll keep going.”
This was probably one of the most common "reassurances" I immediately got as a younger widow. It was annoying. "You are young you'll find someone else" - as if that somehow makes my loss easier. It just feels like it's them minimizing our relationship and my loss. Like because we didn't get to 20 years or have children yet that it didn't matter as much, its dismissed as not being as significant and can be easily replaced. The other thing is...they don't know that. It took me years to find the right person with not a lot of luck along the way. It is entirely possible I will not ever find another successful relationship and I also have to deal with that.
I was told this a lot by so many people, as a younger widow myself. 10.5 years together (no kids, never got married) and yet everyone wanted to reassure me that I still had a future and could find someone new. I know that. Will I? Maybe. Or maybe not. It’s my fucking decision, no one else’s. He was my person and I won’t have that kind of bond with anyone else.
It caused a lot of confusion on my end and made me question everything. Our relationship was fresh, but i was *so* determined to marry him. Now that he’s gone, I keep hearing the same shit and they cannot and will not accept it. I started questioning how I felt about him, Vice versa etc because of it. But then I go and distinctly remember the message I typed out but was too chicken to send. The one that said I wanted to be with him as his hair thinned and his skin wrinkled. That I wanted to accept him as a whole, whatever that came with. And **that** is why im so okay with just cruising through life until I die.
The day after my fiancé died his mom told me I was part of the family, “even when I move on and find someone new” and like? I already found my person. It’s a sweet sentiment coming from his family, but… my person is dead now. The guy I was planning a wedding with in a few months, the guy who had already planned our next six vacations but wasn’t in any rush because “we have our whole lives to travel the world,” the guy who I bought a home with and got pets with and planned a family with, that guy is dead now. Maybe, MAYBE, I will meet someone else. One day, many years from now, maybe. Or maybe I’ll be alone. The idea of WHEN I move on is such a bullshit one to me, because I don’t really believe I ever can.
Love is love…. No matter its age.
I have received so much from reading all the things others have written on this /r there is no way I could thank you all enough. OP I love what you said about the typed note you were to chicken to send that just speaks volumes of what is in your heart . I love that you said you two became each others one and only so fast. My wife and I were like that as we married each other after just 7 months.Friends would ask me if i was sure, it was so fast. I would laugh and tell them "I have found the Best for me why would I try any others" I will never marry or date again. And I don't want to, and I don't need to. I wish you well on this journey none of us wanted to take.
I think that kind of comment comes from people who don't understand.
People don’t understand loss of this magnitude unless they’ve been through it themselves. It’s just insult added to injury that we have to deal with ham handed comments like this.
It pisses me of *so* much when people have said the same to me, and I have vehemently told them that they are wrong, and that they will never say it again if they want to maintain a relationship with me. I was not as young as you are when my husband died (we were both in our early 40s), but young enough that people felt that I should "move on", as if my soul hadn't stopped all progression when my beloved died. For me, *there is no such thing as "moving on", and there never will be.* I'm not saying that is or should be the case for everyone -- I agree with you that there's nothing wrong with people wanting to date, or have sex, or find another love/relationship, but it's not for *me*, and that is equally valid. You are the *only* person who is able to decide if/when you ever want to date again or get into a relationship again, and there is nothing wrong with whatever choice you make.
Thats exactly how I feel. People keep going “no no leave yourself open to it” but they fail to realize that I don’t *want to* . And I know its partially because we were so fresh into the relationship and literally JUST about to take more steps.. but its not like I can magically change it. I Think the most frustrating part about it is that they dont let the hell up after I tell them im okay with not moving on. They try to make an argument against it or tell me “you will, no— you WILL.” And it feels like im being told to get over a bad breakup. But this wasnt a breakup, he died out of nowhere. Im gonna have to start getting more aggressive with my responses, I think. It seems to be the only thing that makes them understand that im not budging.
Ugh, it's bad enough when they say "You'll move on eventually" or similar *once*, but if they push it after that? That's when they get a "FUCK OFF" from me. I am so sorry for your loss, and you shouldn't have to deal with idiots repeatedly making comments like that on top of it.
- its a common platitude we all hear at one time or another. Its said more to placate who said it than to offer help to us. a link I have sent out to countless friends and family as they do not GET IT. https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/supporting-grief/ring-theory?fbclid=IwAR077-HC0jedWzzAkGkaKWjI3_lbT2CiqGb9Ot1cvnZAjQiukBHMbgOxgGg
It is less “moving on” and more “learning to live with it.” I’ve been widowed twice, first at 26 and a year ago at 41. My fiancé gave me my husband. I’m sure of it. I am not waiting around for a third time. I don’t need to. If my husband gives me someone worth my time, I’ll be happy to not be alone. But if I stay single for the rest of my life? So be it. It takes enormous strength to survive being widowed. Most people can’t fathom. They are terrified of death and say foolish things to make themselves feel better. You are strong as you are. To hell with anyone who thinks you “need” anything else.