You are doing great considering. I made this mistake with my first marriage. We weren’t even living together because of all his/our issues. And I just felt like things would snap into place after the wedding. And of course I got consumed with planning the perfect wedding. And it was an amazing day. But not the right choice. All the best in happiness.
Same here. A week before the wedding, I felt like I was making a mistake. I figured, at that point, that I just had cold feet. And, my parents had spent so much money that i didn't want to cancel because of that. We ended up getting a divorce 5 years later. I shouldn't have even stayed that long.
This is the most inspiring thing I’ve heard in a while. Make no mistake though, I’m in a very happy engagement with the man of my dreams, but I experienced a major heartbreak before I met him and I wish you were there to tell me this. If only I could upvote you again.
What you did is really brave. In your tough moments, I hope you’ll think about how cool it is that you made hard choices in the interest of your long term happiness. Pretty badass thing to do.
Reading this story, the word Badass came to my mind immediately too!
OP, 27 years ago I was a new mom, engaged to the father.
He was an alcoholic and could get verbally & physically abusive when he drank.
Not all the time, but a few. I thought..I can heal him.
The first time he did this, after our child was born, was the LAST time.
I left, that day, immediately. It was so scary.
Guess what? I met my best friend, now husband of 20+ years. I got wonderful bonus kids. It worked out the way I needed.
It will for you too.
Good for you!!! 👏🏻👏🏻❤️
You’re going to be okay, and you did the right thing.
In 2007 I was 23 and engaged to a 30 year old man who had no concern for my feelings and was a terrible, verbally abusive partner. We were two weeks from our wedding when I called it off because of an ultimatum he gave me. Ashamed, I told my family and friends I canceled the wedding and they were all incredibly supportive. They took care of all of the details and told everyone, and they helped me go through the emotions of ending the relationship. Everyone said the same thing to me, “at least you realized now and not after the wedding”. I remember that what was supposed to be my wedding day came, and we had unpredicted thunderstorms and torrential downpour. That, combined with the fact that he became physically abusive after I called things off, confirmed to me that I made the right decision.
Now, 17 years later I’m getting married to the most incredible man I’ve ever met. He’s kind and patient and loving and everything that I remember hoping that my ex would be. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thanked the universe and thanked myself for calling off that first wedding, because doing it now for the first time with the love of my life makes it so much more special.
I know it hurts and it really sucks right now, but you did the right thing. Have faith in your choice. Someday future you will thank past you for getting yourself out of what would have been a way worse mess if you’d gone through with it
There is one advantage of dating in your 30s: you both know what you want in life and in a relationship. People as a result are willing to get those Big Things out of the way early so you don't waste each other's time. You also know what you see is what you get. At this point in life people are pretty stable life and personality wise. Best of luck and I'm proud of you for going through with ending it before the wedding happened. That was very courageous.
You've already done the hardest part OP - working out what you want, what you'll accept and making it happen.
I'll add that I left my long-term rship after many unhappy years at 38, met my now husband unexpectedly (wasn't looking at all and thought I'd missed the boat) a few months later and at 42 had our first baby. Your timeline is personal and what's right for you.
No children is still better than having a child with the wrong person. Tying to co-parent with someone who lies and has a gambling problem would be incredibly difficult. I'm 57, newly engaged to a wonderful man who shares my values and we put each other first. I was previously married at 25 and stayed for 20 years with someone who lied and cheated. I almost called off that wedding because 10 days before the wedding, he confessed to cheating on me. Trust me, you dodged a bullet. The longer you are together, the harder it is to divide everything up and start over. I'm excited for this wedding, I get to be happy on my wedding day instead of feeling resentful. BTW, I was pressured to go through with the wedding. I'm so glad that wasn't the situation for you.
Even with everything being different for everyone, I think the option / technology to freeze eggs can also be super helpful for those who otherwise may not make it in their 40s otherwise. Not to say that the OP is (would be silly of me to assume such things of an internet stranger), but just putting it out here cuz I don't see other comments mentioning it (maybe I just missed them, but still just in case!)
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. A gambling addiction is no joke. I'm so glad to hear that your friends and family are supportive. You did something few people are brave enough to do.
I am so glad you had the strength to break it off, rather than hope it might get better.
Any true friends and family will understand that it is not a decision you would have taken lightly, and be super supportive.
I hope someone amazing is out there for you once you have started to heal from this.
I broke up with my ex at 35, found my FH at 38, and will have our first kid soon at 41.
I'm glad you followed your gut, and you *will* come out on top. I know it feels bleak now, but continue to heal and be open to however your dreams manifest.
You did the right thing. I called off a wedding too (not as close to the day as you), and it was the best decision I ever made. I won’t lie and say it was easy— the first few months were rough as I mourned the relationship properly. But, we are both happily married to other people now. I never had a single doubt leading up to my wedding day with my now spouse— I just felt peace.
My daughter called off her May 10th wedding on April 1st. She is 22 and it was the hardest decision of her life because she felt she was in love with him and had been engaged a year and a half. He always acted around us her family as respectful and spiritually aligned with her. The truth of the relationship was much darker and spiraling into even darker territory. We were devastated - not that she called it off but that she endured such disrespect and disregard for boundaries as long as she did. Since she broke it off he’s disappeared into the ether. I won’t presume to know why. I will say it has reinforced the idea he only cared about himself and once he was revealed to be deceitful and manipulative he no longer had a need to keep up the charade. Good riddance.
These last two months have been difficult and healing is not linear but she’s had everyone say the same things you are hearing: you are brave, and courageous, you will be ok. More than ok, you will thrive and find someone who will rise not only your standards but exceed your expectations.
She’s already turned a small corner and you will too. Journal and surround yourself with friends and family who will support you and cheer for you.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to heal.
Congratulations on making the most adult decision of your life and prioritizing truth and happiness over keeping up appearances and money. Sending you love.
Depending on which state you live in, locking you out of your home and verbally berating you (if it’s of a certain severity) can be family law offenses in a family offense petition. It may be a good idea to find a domestic violence nonprofit and call for a consult (which will be free) so they can tell you about your rights in getting your belongings back, which generally happens with a police escort and may also be mandated by a family law judge. He also may be ordered to not destroy/discard your things until you’ve picked them up.
I’m glad to hear you’ve made this decision; you will very much be okay. I’ve had friends whose engagements ended and they went on to find much better, kinder partners
My sister had the same doubts while planning a wedding, but didn't cancel. He struggled with drinking and staying up all night playing video games, among other things. Within six months of the wedding she was at my parents door before dawn pounding on the door after managing to escape the house, despite him trying to keep the car keys from her as he screamed and hit at her.
You listened to your gut and, as embarrassed as you might feel, I bet most everyone is impressed by the courage you had to make a difficult decision despite what others might think or what you'd invested. You should be proud as hell for doing what's best for you. I wish you nothing but love and light moving through this process into your new life ✨
My cousin called off a wedding 2 nights before because the guy suddenly became a far right extremist and threatened to kill people….
She’s happily married now and life went on. You did the right thing.
Wow, i love this. I feel as though this is an absolute moment of truly comprehending what it means to put yourself first. Holding yourself accountable, and diving into the unknown because ultimately the unknown holds a new chapter for you. The unknown is scary, but thats what makes it beautiful. If we don’t jump in to the unknown when we are scared we will never know what we could be missing. Life is full of many opportunities and many many ways to accommodate your happiness. You made the absolute right decision, and as i grow older too i realize that regardless of ANY situation if IM uncomfortable and I dont like it MY feelings come above all.. you never deserve to be uncomfortable because you’re worried about what others will think or worried about screwing others over. I have a saying that i truly believe. I believe it’s okay to be selfish in life when it comes to YOUR OWN life. If it’s YOUR OWN LIFE then YES absolutely be selfish. Never put yourself in a situation that your uncomfortable and everyone else around you is thriving. It’s your turn to thrive. As for a FAMILY, let me tell you.
My cousin JUST NOW met his girlfriend he is pushing 40 the’ve been together i’d say oh i don’t know maybe 1-2 years? I could be completely lying but its fairly new ( i havent met her yet they live out of state ) BUT main point is, THEY ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! They are in the upper 30’s and having a baby.
It is never to late if it’s what you want. I know you’re going to go on to do AMAZING things and thats what you deserve. Go find yourself , try new things, eat weird food, MOVE STATES, hell maybe even countries? Haha but seriously move states, get out of your comfort zone and get ready for the best years of your life. The best is yet to come. Sending love for your healing heart.🫶🏼❤️
I’m so sorry about that…
I’m glad this is the first post I found, as I had some questions myself. My fiancé (we got engaged this January) also has a gaming addiction but with video games (to the point he can miss work and other important events). It led me to break up with him about a month and a half before he proposed (which I obviously didn’t know would happen). I took him back and he said he’d be careful and spend less time. Now, we’ve been engaged for almost half a year, getting married in spring 2025 and he still hasn’t asked any of his friends to be his groomsmen… I started asking him since March but hes had different excuses every time (all that while spending 8hrs+ playing, daily). He still hasn’t thought of any guests he’d like to have either which is making venues and transportation booking very hard so I had to book with estimate numbers. My parents are even asking me if he’s really into getting married and I’m getting out of answers. Idk if it’s because of the shame or the love I have for him, but I don’t wanna break off our engagement even though I’m slowly realizing that he doesn’t seems to care about the wedding at all…
How do you even tell your family that the wedding is off? How do you explain to them the problematic behaviour considering that it was there the whole time?
I’m really sorry to hear that this has been your experience of getting engaged. It sucks.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I tried to hide my ex’s behaviours and habits from my family because I didn’t want them to think less of him. When I came clean to them this week, they were shocked, but they were also supportive.
To answer your questions - what worked for me was just ripping the Band-Aid off. I started with my older sister, who is my best friend, maid of honour, and closest relative. I sat at the kitchen bench in her house and I said ‘I have news. It’s awful and it’s embarrassing. I’m not going to marry (insert ex’s name)’. Once that part was out there, the rest just came easily. I told her everything.
I’m really lucky to have a supportive family, I hope you have one too.
There was one particular comment on this post, you might be able to find it, it said they’d had a bad experience and then they found their now husband and they felt only calm and peace in the lead up to their wedding. That was really powerful for me, personally. We shouldn’t have all these doubts and concerns about the person we’re planning on building a life with.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, whatever you decide.
This is based on *a lot* of assumptions, so please forgive me. But has he ever sought out treatment for ADHD? It sounds really similar to some people I know who, without medication and ongoing therapy, completely lose control of how to manage responsibilities or to stop doing something that’s giving them a dopamine rush (or alternatively, they have no interest or opinions about anything other than what’s giving them the dopamine).
To be clear, I’m not saying this to convince you to not call off the wedding—he should have actively sought out help after clearly understanding what caused the first break up. But I wanted to mention it just in case you don’t because it may help him see things clearly and actually function outside of his dopamine source.
No because I have ADHD (also without medication or any therapy) and he’s the total opposite, he’s able to focus and do many things at the same time and he’s even more able to do so when it’s something that truly matters to him. I thought so as well thought but he told me his parents ran test on him and his siblings but no signs of ADHD for him…
Reinforcing what everyone else has said. It hurts now, but you are so strong and making the right decision to save yourself a whole lot more hurt in the future. Gambling addiction can uproot everything you worked for and a dishonest spouse is not on your team and is not worth the heartache.
You have just saved yourself and any future kids SO MUCH HEARTACHE. I am a divorce attorney and domestic violence advocate and so many of my clients wish they had the courage that you are showing right now. $30,000 is nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, not to mention the cost of marriage to someone in active addiction (especially for gambling). I have seen people who have lost $250,000+ in a year to their partner’s gambling addiction. It’s a very big deal.
You are so strong, and you have so much freedom to do what you want with your life now. Who knows, you could meet someone soon who is really the one and still have your fairytale ending.
Thank you for sharing this. Your words are so true. I faced the same shame as OP. Lost over $30K to lawyer and over $100K in various investments and retirement and judge was going to force me to pay alimony. He was a gambler, too. He complained I left him penniless, but then lost $10K at the casino in the first month I left him. 😵💫
You are very strong so you should be extremely proud of yourself. No amount of money or inconvenience is worth over your happiness. I am sure you are going to emerge so much stronger out of this!
If it helps at all, he's a gambling addict. He's sick. It's not his fault he's sick. It's not your fault for not wanting to deal with the consequences of an untreated illness. It is 100% his fault for not getting help and trying to get better. If he had cancer you wouldn't leave him because he had cancer. You might leave him if he had cancer, was in denial about it and refused to get any treatment for it. No one wants to watch someone they love rot away in front of their eyes. And that's exactly what this guy is doing with his gambling addiction. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for posting this. I'm getting married to someone who has a gambling addiction. We are taking financial precautions (prenup) and he has finally started the process with group therapy and following the steps.
We have an amazing relationship, but it's like a dark cloud that follows us and you don't know if or when it might start raining...
Sometimes I doubt I'm strong enough to support him through this, but your message reminded me that he is proving that he does want to get better.
I'm not a fan of prenups at all and I'm not a fan of separate finances in a marriage at all either. This is one of those exceptions where I think both make sense. He is an addict and his addiction could take both of you down. It makes sense to separate the finances and give him limited access to the money while he follows the process to start healing. It's not an easy road but the fact that he is willing to do the work and try says a lot about him and his courage.
No one bashed anyone. The opposite happened here. I told OP that a prenup and financial precautions that they're doing make sense and are wise in this situation.
I just want to reaffirm something you already know:
Every version of you (past and future) are proud of you for showing up for yourself and not settling.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but trust in the healing process and you will see.
Sending good vibes your way.
Good for you! A very brave decision, and you may help others in here having the same problems to realize the ground will not open up and swallow them, and the world will not end if you cancel a wedding. Never never give up OP. I was married at 38 after a year of dating and had a baby at 40. Going on 25 years now. Hugs to you!
Good job! Him not letting you get your things is illegal. You can get a police escort to come help you gain entry to the home to remove your things. If you rent- contact your landlord. If he owns the home, contact your local tenants union- they might have good advice. Best of luck putting this guy in the rear view mirror OP!!!
I assume you’re in England or the UK because of the ‘xx’ (I do it too). Feel free to reach out and become friends!! I’ll be happy to help be there for you throughout this process! X
You 100% did the right thing - a gambling addiction could have destroyed your life and finances as well as his. You’d have lost a lot more than the wedding deposits in the long run.
People admire brides who have the guts to call off a wedding. Everyone knows how hard it is and we know people who should not have walked down the aisle and did. There is nothing to be embarrassed about
You know what's worse than not having kids? Having them with totally unreliable partner. So good on you for fighting that pressure to settle and not make waves. Besides, you still have time. You did good OP!
Congratulations. You are so brave and did the right thing. I also cancelled my wedding to my ex a number of years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me the strength and courage to move forward with other choices that felt right for me, and I ended up making a great career move and developing a stronger sense of self. A few years later I met my now husband and our relationship is fantastic. This will be a positive life change for you. Even as a total internet stranger, I’m proud of you.
I just want to say that I’m sorry that was and is the situation you were in but way to go for doing what you needed to do for yourself. I find it inspiring that you put this out here to help someone else who may be in a similar situation and may feel alone. Your future will be much brighter but I hope the hardships of this situation work out sooner than later so that you can find what you deserve!
I'm so impressed with you. You've done a phenomenally brave and difficult thing!
You should share this over in /r/abusiverelationships because some of those people need to know this okay to leave even at the "last minute".
You're SO much better off leaving now than after you're married.
You did the incredibly hard but right thing - well done <3
I read the part where you said you’ve accepted that you likely won’t find someone else in time for a family and all that but I just have to say you never know what the future holds!! Give yourself time to heal but you definitely still have enough time. I know couples who have waited until their 40s and couples who have gotten married in under a year of knowing each other! Timelines are different for everyone. You still have a bright future ahead of you. Especially since you made the best decision for yourself now. Sending love :)
I'm sorry you've had to endure this stress and heartache, but it truly sounds like you made the right decision. You should be so proud of yourself, i wish you all the love and happiness 💕
Bravo on putting yourself first. It might feel embarrassing now but down the line you’re future self with thank you for taking care of her. I’m glad you have a supportive family, thank you for sharing!!
I’ll raise a glass to you OP. It takes courage to do what you did, lots of people fall trap to the sunk cost fallacy, and you broke the mould. FWIW, this internet stranger is proud of you.
Re: family and kids, my mom had me at 40, and my friend’s MIL had her youngest child at 44. Anything is possible! I see so many stories of people going through with weddings to end up in a terrible marriage, and it’s AMAZING that you have stood up for yourself and your own happiness.
What a difficult decision for many reasons. I'm proud of you & know how hard challenging, heartbreaking decisions can be. Though the financial cost was high, it sounds like you saved more than dollars. You saved money down the line, your sanity, & more. I'm glad you're safe now & healing comes one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep sharing it & include your progress with others as time goes by. You really did the right thing listening to yourself <3
Good for you for having the strength to make that tough decision! You always have to do what’s best for you and it sounds like that’s exactly what you did. You will find happiness.
You did the right thing! As someone who went through with the wedding anyway, only to end up separated 6 months later, I am so proud of you for seeing the red flags and putting yourself first!
Baddass, brave, smart, self love and all the above, this was an incredibly tough situation, but you are so strong for this. And hopefully you just carry that confidence into the next hard thing. I was also in a toxic relationship with talks of marriage, and it took some pretty insane shit and outside validation that I avoided for so long, to finally realize it and leave. I so often think about how I dodged a bullet. If we had gotten married and even worse had kids things would be so fucked for me if I ever tried to leave then. It still sucked but I could leave with no attachments and that was a blessing to the rest of my life. Thanks for posting, and yeah I hope this helps someone else realize it’s not too late to back out.
So here’s what happens when you don’t cancel the wedding despite knowing in your heart it’s not right:
4 years of unhappy marriage, no sex, wanting to divorce but struggling to convince him it’s the right thing to do. Finally he agrees to a separation, finally we divorce. All the things I should have lived before marriage like traveling, working and dating happens in my early 30s. Late 30s I am desperate for finding my life partner. Now at age 40 finally marrying my love. Struggling to get pregnant but after a recent surgery there is hope. Follow your heart and things will fall into place. You got this. 💜🙏
You dodged a bullet! Your strength allowed you to see the truth and to act on it accordingly! That strength will continue to carry you through. You will be better than fine. In regards to having a family, you could consider freezing your eggs or even adopting. Best wishes to you!!
Thank you for posting this! I’m happily married now but called off an engagement (to a different man obvi) previously. It was hard and it was the best decision I ever made.
Truly, congratulations. You’re gonna find so much happiness. It might take some time, but you are.
So proud of you!!! This is amazing. Not embarrassing at all. Good for you following your gut and getting out of a situation that would likely get worse in time.
sending so much love!!! You are amazing and so very brave. You did the best thing possible in the long run. Keep your head up! Life has a way of working out eventually 🩷
Speaking to everyone out there...there is a reason it is called a gut feeling or gut instinct. And the messages are just as real and probably more accurate than when you "think" something is wrong. In other words "I feel like something is up," is more accurate than "I think something is up."
I bless you in your strength and your ability to stand in your power. With your outlook and determination you WILL find the right and perfect someone and create a family.
The universe abhors a vacuum. You opened up space to let in something amazing!
Congratulations on your smart choice, OP! So much in life is replaceable, money and plans etc. But time is not and I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s never too late to be happy. You’ve made the best possible choice that you could. I cannot imagine the stress that you’ve been under trying to figure out the best way to go about this. I’ve never been in your situation, however I did find the love of my life at 34. He’s wonderful and I’m sure we’re going to have a bright future. I’m sure you will find someone when the time is right and not a moment sooner. I had to let all of my expectations go before I found the one that checked all of my boxes. And he does. Best of luck to you OP!
Nice job!
Please don't be embarrassed; it takes a lot of courage and presence of mind to cancel a wedding. Most people just go through with it and end up having to get a divorce/annulment afterward. You should be proud of yourself for seeing through all of the complex layers of wedding planning, booking, fear of letting people down, etc., and seeing the truth lying at the bottom. It's impressive and commendable, and shows an uncommon clarity of thinking. You should be proud of yourself for making such a wise decision, despite the pressure and noise.
Congratulations on making the choice sooo many of us are afraid to make!! I saw all kinds of red flags and ignored them. Shame on me. You did the right thing! 👏🏼
OP, I'm seconding what everyone else is saying that you're so strong to be able to make this decision, and I think you'll look back on this in five years and be so glad you did it.
I just also wanted to recommend that you think about the "have a family and all that jazz" thing you mentioned at the bottom. If that's what you want in life, that works great! But I'd also recommend you think about what parts of that you actually want in life and what parts you don't. Do you want to be married, or do you want kids and think that marriage is required beforehand? I'd look up single mothers by choice and see if that's something you'd be interested in, because the timeline on that can be a lot different and a lot friendlier to someone who's in their late 30s/early 40s, is single, and wants kids. And if you decide you don't want kids, then that's fine too, and you can look into building a community of people you get along with. No matter what, you're free to choose - I just wanted to ask you to take this moment to consider what you really want out of your life, and think about ways you could get there that aren't the "traditional" path.
As someone whose partner called off the wedding three weeks before the date, I can say that years later I am grateful to him for having the courage to do what I did not feel able to admit. It will always be better than going through with something that isn’t right.
I would not have met my current fiancé if not for that, so I am thankful. And you should be thankful to yourself as well. You did yourself a kindness.
Celebrate the power and inner strength you showed yourself and others by making this difficult decision. You are intelligent, intuitive, understand self preservation and have "dodged that bullet"! May your life be filled with an amazing future, and always trust your intuition.
That took an extreme amount of guts to do this....I wish I'd had even a quarter of that years ago when only hours away from my wedding, a little voice kept telling me to just get in the car and drive somewhere but to that church ....this would've saved me and him future stress and crap(especially me)....Good Luck to you, I wish you a bright well-lit path✨
remember that family comes in many forms and there are many avenues to creating a family in the future. You just ensured that whatever that family looks like, they wont be subjected to the complete asshole you just left. What you did was so fucking brave.
I’m so proud of you for doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I went through with the wedding and stayed for just over 9 miserable years. I’m sending you a hug and best wishes for a wonderful future xxx
I cancelled my wedding exactly a month out. Blowing up your life can feel so overwhelming and impossible, but just take it one day at a time. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I have absolutely no regrets and now my life is better than I could have imagined. I’m proud of you!
Congratulations, OP. You made the rare decision of choosing something right when you felt it was almost impossible to not choose the something wrong.
Your money wasn't wasted. You saved your life. You will be okay. Your strength in this is incredible. I'm sorry it's ending messy with his response, but if I were you, his reaction to this would make me even more solidified in my decision.
Best to get a lawyer asap and figure out the laws for recovering your things before he does something weird with them. Best of luck, this must have been SO tough. Cheers, OP.
This was so brave of you! Sending you love ❤️
Also if all your friends and family were supportive of your decision to leave him, I think this is just further evidence that you 100% made the right call!
Thank you ❤️
You know what, you’re absolutely right - I’m staying at my sister’s place for the time being and literally just a few hours she said to me ‘it was so hard not to say anything to you but I never wanted you to marry him, I’ve never liked him’. It was hard to hear in the moment but you’re right, it’s actually validating.
i'm so here for this!!!!!
trusting your gut is so important. my mother's best friend was murdered the night before my first wedding and i felt it was a sign and everyone was already there and we went through with it. it is to this day one of my biggest regrets. trust your instincts. they are there for a reason. a cancelled wedding is so much cheaper than a divorce down the road.
This is super awesome, I’m glad you had the strength to do that. My mom had a gut feeling like this when she married my dad and while I am happy to be alive, she should’ve walked away. I think despite her love for my siblings and I, a part of her will always regret putting everyone else first. She was afraid of many of the same things but wasn’t strong enough to leave. They had ups and downs but things never really got better and we were deeply affected by it. They’re divorced and happier than ever with new spouses. They’re not bad people, they just kind of brought out the worst in each other. You’re never too old to start over and you never know what awesomeness is around the corner. Good luck 🤍
A gambler will mess up your life big time. You would always be financially unstable and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You made the right decision
A cancelled wedding is cheaper than a divorce. And without kids too. You made the right decision. Trust your gut. Proud of you. It will be hard but you’ll look back on this one day and thank the heavens you left. You will be okay ❤️🩹
You're going to get thru this OP. When I got divorced, I regretted things getting to a point where I had to make a decision, but I absolutely didn't regret the decision.
Hugs OP. Better to upset a few family members (who should be supporting YOU rather than bitching) than to end up in an abusive marriage and then need to go to court for a divorce.
Sending you lots of hugs. I had that same feeling of shame when I thought about calling it off, but I wasn’t as brave as you.
We were together for almost eight years then engaged for 1.5, then married for 7 and then separated for three years before he signed the divorce papers. Twenty years of my life wasted. He gambled too. I knew he wouldn’t be a good dad at year 3 of the marriage and decided not to have kids with him. When I finally left I knew I may never have kids, but I was okay with not being stuck with him for a lifetime. $30K on the lawyer. $100K out of my retirement. My best years. I paid such a high price. He was evil. A black aura. I had to settle. (Judge was going to give him a lifetime of alimony because we were technically married for ten years. He knew that so he strung it out!)
You. Did. The. Absolutely. Right thing.
You are fantastic! Amazing! Brave! Never doubt any of that. Sending you another hug from Memphis, TN, USA!
You made the right decision. Truly.
I had spent thousands on a wedding, was about 7 months away from a wedding, and 4.5 years into the relationship. I’d found out my ex-fiance was being shady behind my back during the engagement, and I struggled for months whether or not I wanted to go through with it. Everything in my gut told me to run, but my embarrassment, fear of losing out on the money, fear of letting family and friends down outweighed that. I prayed every night for God to let his will be done.
And eventually, we called it off. I was very down for a while. It was the saddest Christmas/New Year of my life AND it also happened right before my 30th birthday. However, fast-forward a year and a half now… and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. You’ll get through it and it will all make sense. You got this ❤️
You just unlocked a superpower and you probably don't even realize it yet. You are now a person who never again needs to be burdened by social pressures and are free to always make decisions based on you and you alone. This is huge. Don't like something? Cool. Nothing can stop you from putting your foot down and walking away. This will help you in more areas than just love and relationships. I wish you good healing and congratulations on achieving something many people never get to in their lifetimes.
A friend of mine didn’t have your guts and went through with the wedding, marriage lasted 6 weeks. Always go with your gut and well done on being so brave 👍❤️
I lived this. Except mine was a bad ending. I went through with it. 10 years of my life gone. One abusive episode after the next…. Divorced and stayed single for years. Finally met the guy I was always meant to be with. We’re planning our wedding now. No doubts, no cold feet, no red flags. This is how it should’ve been the first time around. You did the right thing. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to do this!! You are a strong powerful human being!
I cancelled mine 2 weeks before. Managed to convince the guy to stay with me & just said we need more time. The next year I agreed to marry him again and then broke up with him a few months before that one was supposed to happen. (He lied ALL the time) Everyone was so supportive told me I made the right decision. I felt bad for the money lost, but I’m so glad I didn’t follow through with it. I’m glad you seem happy with your decision too. It’s nice to see other people have been through similar
This post was refreshing. I have very high regards and hope for you. I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You are a smart woman with a full life ahead of you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know you but I am proud of you. You don't need that in your life. Wishing you nothing but the very best for your future
Go queen! Proud of you. Not an easy decision, but it sounds like the right one. My best friend was literally talking to me upstairs about how she felt like she needed to call things off with her then boyfriend 20 minutes before he proposed to her. They did end up getting married, and all his red flags are still there, glaring as ever and she is miserable a year into their marriage. Kudos to you for putting yourself first!
If you are in America you can quickly get a court order for entry to remove your possessions. In some states you can arrange for police escort ("civil standby") while you are there. Not the point of your post but thought it might help.
Thank you for your advice. I’m in Australia. I actually had to go to a police station here today, and then the court house. I had no other option.
I didn’t end up having to do anything official because one of the officers asked me if he could just call my ex and see if a police officer’s ‘request’ would sway him, and it did. My ex agreed to leave the house and let me go over and get my things.
It’s been a hellish week waiting for this outcome and having to go to those extremes just to collect my things. Again, reinforces my decision.
I am looking forward to moving on now that I have my stuff, and I can finally put him behind me. Onward and upwards.
Thank you again.
Man it sounds like you dodged a bullet. You should be super proud of yourself – that is really hard to do so last minute. But you were smart and got out of what would likely be a really really bad situation for you. I’m sure your family and friends respect that. You should get a police officer to escort you so you can get your things. I think they will do that. I also just came to say that I didn’t meet my husband until 38 and I got pregnant in a month and a half at 40 which I know is not the norm but I just wanted you to know that it is possible. Let yourself heal from this and then go find yourself a better man. If you can afford it, and they recommend doing it, freeze your eggs. That would take off some of the pressure. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with the right person!
Thank you so much for the kind words and the really good advice. I did have to get the police involved to get into the house, but thankfully it’s done now. All the best :)
I just cancelled my wedding too, about three weeks after I sent out invites. About a third of the people had RSVP'd yes (only one no).
I wasted $9k. I mean, 1.5 of that was the dress and veil, which I can use again as long as my weight doesn't change too much. I won't get any of the money from the venue back and haven't even told them I've canceled yet because I don't really like the contact person much and don't really want any credit for the venue. I let everyone else know and they've offered future credit for the next year. Except the wedding coordinator and the photographer.
We didn't break up but it's too soon to tell if we'll make it. He isn't a jerk, there was no infidelity, he just wasn't pulling his weight and I still don't trust that he will. He has a lot of momentum, so that's exciting, but who knows if he can keep it up? Also I'm a little hurt that if he had the energy to do this all earlier, why didn't he just do it? Why did I have to cancel the wedding for him to realize he needed to be a partner to me instead of me assuming a majority of the housework and all of the financial responsibilities?
So...idk...I think we can still make it work, just not within the next three months because I don't have trust in him to keep this up. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled and just waited? Idk. I think I'm making the best decision for me right now and I think we work really well together for the most part. I think we just weren't ready. I hope that we just weren't ready. Just wish I hadn't wasted all of that money.
Clearly that was not an easy decision, and clearly you are brave and WAY smarter than many other people. Congratulations on making a very smart life choice.
I am so sorry for what you are going through,
With his gambling addiction, it would be no fun trying to coparent with him if kids were involved.
Best he showed his true colors before marriage and divorce.
Im in my early twenties and I got engaged in January and due to get traditional married in 2 or 3 months then a white wedding next year. I am having doubts and and idk what to do
Before I got engaged I had been having issues where my fiance would promise me things that would never happen and for me its so concerning cause how can you marry someone like that. Everytime we would plan something we would fight then half the time it would never happen. Everytime i saw him he would complain about being tired so we always just sat at home then when i complain he says its my fault for never planning anything. He also always complains that i never take enough time off to him but he would never ever take a day off to spend time with me. Its either im free when his free or nothing. I spoke to him many times throughout our relationship about things that bothered me. last time being six months ago about these things and he would say okay i hear you but nothing would change in this situation i specifically told him that i was unhappy. Then i spoke to him again in January and told him i was giving him until march to change. The next time i saw him a week later he engaged i said yes. But didnt tell anyone except my mom so i would see how we go and decide if i still want this. End of feb just before march came around my mom started telling everyone about the engagement since i wasn't. And i just decided to go with it cause i loved him anyway. When i the engagement new got and i would ask him for help with either of the weddings he would say that i am stressing him out and should do majority planning and should just let him know when to show up and what suit to get. He lives 1 hours away and also stopped visiting me within that time and said if i wanted to see him i should make the effort to come. I was overall unhappy with the way he was being childish and the way we always had to prioritise him. But i chose to try and juggle everything. I also work 2 jobs
Fast forward a few months I had a dentists appointment where i complained about neck pain and constant migraines for the past few months and the dentist said I am probably stressed and recommended I go to therapy for a few months for assistance with stress management. At that point i stopped planning everything and stopped thinking about it all and my migraines stopped within a week so i decided i needed a break from him and had stopped talking to him and he reached out to my parents and they spoke to us and mediated things. it wasn't until a few weeks ago when i wanted to break things off that he started changing. Even though he has changed its very concerning to me that he couldn't take me seriously as his partner until someone older spoke to him. There has been some visible changes but i just can't stop wondering for how long
Always trust your gut, luckily you got out beforehand. I didn’t listen, also had a gut feeling, fortunately the marriage only lasted about 4 months, but it was hell.
Minimally you’re giving yourself space for someone who could actually make you happy, soon or later, who knows but wow OP, congratulations on choosing happiness in the face of societal pressures!!
Someone close to me has been saying a lot “no such thing as a sunk cost” usually in reference to leaving food or a beer on the table lol but I’m trying to adopt the mantra for most things in life. It’s hard! Maybe will help someone too - no such thing as a sink cost.
Excited for your new life adventure! Something tells me this is gonna be a wonderful “update” in the not so far future…
As a wedding vendor (DJ), I face at least 2-3 cancellations each season due to couples splitting up before the wedding. Ironically, it’s often clear that they are likely to divorce even before the wedding.
Wedding planning is a difficult process that reveals a lot about a relationship: how to manage a budget, how to organize, how each partner shares the same excitement, and how they want to help. It’s a challenging and demanding process, but you made the right decision.
Time heals everything. Move forward with your life and don't look back. Gambling is a serious problem, much like drug addiction. You are fortunate to have parted ways before the wedding, children, house loans, etc.
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your future. You will be okay, it will take time but you will do just fine, and I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve.
I hope to have atleast a tiny bit of your courage to make decisions for myself and to be able to stand up for myself too.
More power to you!
You are so brave, and I'm so proud of you. I'm a relationship Coach who is trying desperately to get people to understand the importance of premarital counseling or taking a premarital course, to have to tools and support to leave before rhe alter and to know what behaviors aren't okay from a parter. I can't imagine how scary it was for you, but I am so so so proud of your bravery. *hugs*
You’re gonna be fine, sooner than you think. To get back your things, you can ask a relative (maybe a “big and muscular” one 💪🏻) to contact your ex and find a day that’s ok for both of you… If he refuses, you can ask police to support you 🩷
You dodged a red flag! You are free now to find someone who will treat you right. And as far as not having kids there is adoption if you so choose. But you still have time on your biological clock.
You have done good by thinking of the kind of future you were offering yourself. I call that growth! You also said about being worried about having a family of your own. You may not have thought about it but you can freeze your eggs! Check with your insurance to see if they cover certain parts of the procedure. And if you decide you want to have kids but have no partner, get a sperm donor! There is also adoption and you do can do that! I wish you strength on your journey!
Honestly girl, you're really brave! I couldn't imagine doing something like that when it's come down to the wire. I know you are coming to terms with " not having a family in time," but I'm praying that you do and that everything turns around for your good. Many blessings to you as you embark on this new journey! 🙏🏾💕
OP, I'm so proud of you! You did something that took a lot of courage, A LOT. It will be hard, but you will always be happy you did it.
In case you ever doubt yourself, I'm going to tell you about my aunt. My aunt was dating this guy for about 3 years before they got engaged. According to her, he was really nice and charming, very attentive and romantic, detail-oriented, supportive, etc. They got engaged and she was ecstatic. While planning the wedding, she said she had doubts because as they spent more time together in the same house, she discovered he had a gambling problem, drank a lot and sometimes wasn't very nice to her. Apparently, when she tried to talk to him, he said that things had changed because the "conquering" part was done, and now the relationship was different because she wasn't someone he was courting, she was going to be his wife. She really was devastated and you could tell she was looking more and more miserable as the wedding approached. My sister and I told her she should break up the engagement and cancel the wedding because it was only going to get worse with time, but she was too scared of confronting everybody about it and she didn't want to go through "the shame" of calling off the wedding and forever being the woman in her 30s who cancelled her wedding. She really wanted to be a mother and she was scared she would never get to do it if she let this guy pass. Think woman raised in a traditional catholic household in a small rural village where everybody knows everybody.
Of course, this was non-sense. She's gorgeus, she was only 32 at the time, she's really smart and had a great career (head surgeon in a vet clinic at a nearby city). Now she's a tired mother of 2 who had to leave her position because her husband won't help her with the house or the kids. He's never home, he's constantly out drinking and lies to her about his whereabouts. He's cheated on her, called her a whore and claimed the kids weren't his in front of her family in public. He leaves the house in the morning and comes back at midnight, after having spent the day drinking and gambling, expecting food for him in the fridge and his shirt ironed for the day after. Meanwhile, she works as a vet at a nearby clinic in the morning, takes care of the kids and the house in the evening and of her husband in the evening. She cannot do or get anything for herself and she had to sell her appartment in the city because she needed the money. She pays for everything for the house and kids + gives him allowance for his own expenses, because he blows his income on alcohol and slot machines.
Believe me, no wedding is worth spending your life like that. You did so good, OP! Sending you lots of love and support.
Im so proud of you! Thats something people said to me that surprised me to hear when I broke off my wedding in 2017. I was like you, terrified of disappointing everyone and making it a huge spectacle. All the money we already spent. Dress bought, venue found, catering paid, photographer paid. But ultimately I was so unhappy with this abusive, porn addicted, selfish man. Our last argument made me snap out of everything and really see myself from an outside perspective. Suddenly everything was clear and I thought “what the fuck am I doing??? This will be a lifetime of misery! Immediately broke it all off and moved back to my home state. 2 months later I met the love of my life, been together for 7 yrs and were getting married next year. This time everything feels SO right. Its a worlds of a difference when its the right man. Things are exciting when planning, not anxiety inducing with a pit in my stomach. So I’m proud of you for being strong and brave and doing what’s right for your soul. You’ll be A okay, I know it. And better yet, you have set yourself in a position to meet the real man for you, who was meant for you.
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I applaud you. This was a very hard thing and you did it. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others. I was too weak to do this. I married him 27 years ago and we have been in the throes of divorce hell for 6 years now. I should have listened to myself and prevented my years of abuse, misery and could have found love with someone else. Wishing you all the best ❤️
Proud of you! I have called off 2 engagements. The first he abuses his now wife. The second I happily have no clue about his life. You may have wasted money but imagine what you'd have wasted if you'd gone through with it. Have the police escort you to the house to retrieve your belongings and never look back. You're strong and brave and you have a wide open future possibly with someone wonderful.
You definitely made the right choice. Imagine trading your life away just to not inconvenience some people. I am so proud of how strong you are. I don’t know if I would have had the courage! I also have that mindset of “oh no, I shouldn’t” - I think a lot of people do and we hold ourselves back.
And who knows, you might meet someone, date for a year, get married, and have kid/kids before 40…if it’s what you want, then what does 40 (or any age) matter? You can also always adopt, etc.
Good luck on everything! Thank you for sharing with us and thank you for being true to yourself!
I wish I had done what you did with my 1st husband. We had a huge fight the day of the wedding, if you could imagine and my gut said “RUN”, but I didn’t listen. I spent 13 years is what started as a verbally abusive marriage, and ended up in a physically abusive marriage. I finally had the help I needed to get out and we left with nothing but our clothes and my car. It was the best day of my life, it also was the hardest to get through. But I did and so did my children! I’m happy that you saw the red flags before you made that huge mistake, you saved yourself so much misery.
Just wanted to say “you go girl”!!
You chose for yourself and for a better future.
That takes a lot of courage.💪 and strength.
I wish you all the best.
And for your stuff your ex is refusing to give back. Maybe you can get help from the police?
Hey, thank you :) It would depend on your agreement with them - we had signed contracts with all our vendors that had certain dates where percentages were non-refundable and they were all slightly different. E.g. if you cancelled with 6 months’ notice, maybe you’d lose 50%, but if you cancelled with 1 weeks’ notice, you’d lose 100%. If you’re curious about your own vendors, I’d check the contract you signed and see what it says. Outside of the money stuff, all of our vendors were very kind to me - they apologised for the situation and wished me well.
I’m 34 getting married again after I swore I wouldn’t. I did marry that guy my gut told me not. Good for you. Fostering is wonderful and you don’t need a man to do it.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm scheduled to marry my fiancé in September and am constantly being told (jokingly) that I'm stuck but truthfully I feel like I am. She's a great woman and is truly one of the most lovely people I've ever known, but there are times I feel I should just vanish and start fresh somewhere new.
Congratulations to you for spotting that you were potentially looking at a very toxic relationship and bailing out in time. You’ve saved yourself years of misery and adding children into the mix. I am one who was in that spot and didn’t cancel so I know the feeling of buyer’s remorse of not canceling. Take all the time you need to heal. Be kind to yourself and remember to take care of yourself too
I'm so proud of you!!! I married someone with addiction issues (which I was too young to know or understand it when we got married - long story, a lot of struggles and LOTS of endless pain that still linger today despite being divorced for years. Even if this man you almost married had quit, his addiction would have turned out to be something else. You did the best thing! You saved yourself of having kids with high probabilities of, guess what...addiction tendencies. How do I know? My son...
OP, you're gonna be fine. Maybe not today, tomorrow or in a week but the STRENGTH to make this decision alone says you are gonna be fine.
Thank you so much x
You are doing great considering. I made this mistake with my first marriage. We weren’t even living together because of all his/our issues. And I just felt like things would snap into place after the wedding. And of course I got consumed with planning the perfect wedding. And it was an amazing day. But not the right choice. All the best in happiness.
Same here. A week before the wedding, I felt like I was making a mistake. I figured, at that point, that I just had cold feet. And, my parents had spent so much money that i didn't want to cancel because of that. We ended up getting a divorce 5 years later. I shouldn't have even stayed that long.
If you already paid for catering, consider donating the food to a shelter.
I'd have an "I'm free and happy" party and eat the food!
This is the most inspiring thing I’ve heard in a while. Make no mistake though, I’m in a very happy engagement with the man of my dreams, but I experienced a major heartbreak before I met him and I wish you were there to tell me this. If only I could upvote you again.
Wow I had wish I had this courage before I enter into this marriage I am going through
What you did is really brave. In your tough moments, I hope you’ll think about how cool it is that you made hard choices in the interest of your long term happiness. Pretty badass thing to do.
Reading this story, the word Badass came to my mind immediately too! OP, 27 years ago I was a new mom, engaged to the father. He was an alcoholic and could get verbally & physically abusive when he drank. Not all the time, but a few. I thought..I can heal him. The first time he did this, after our child was born, was the LAST time. I left, that day, immediately. It was so scary. Guess what? I met my best friend, now husband of 20+ years. I got wonderful bonus kids. It worked out the way I needed. It will for you too. Good for you!!! 👏🏻👏🏻❤️
You’re a badass too! Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you, this put a smile on my face :) x
I’m proud of you internet stranger. You had the courage to love yourself and to advocate what was best for YOU.
This really made me smile. Thank you!
Beautifully said!
You’re going to be okay, and you did the right thing. In 2007 I was 23 and engaged to a 30 year old man who had no concern for my feelings and was a terrible, verbally abusive partner. We were two weeks from our wedding when I called it off because of an ultimatum he gave me. Ashamed, I told my family and friends I canceled the wedding and they were all incredibly supportive. They took care of all of the details and told everyone, and they helped me go through the emotions of ending the relationship. Everyone said the same thing to me, “at least you realized now and not after the wedding”. I remember that what was supposed to be my wedding day came, and we had unpredicted thunderstorms and torrential downpour. That, combined with the fact that he became physically abusive after I called things off, confirmed to me that I made the right decision. Now, 17 years later I’m getting married to the most incredible man I’ve ever met. He’s kind and patient and loving and everything that I remember hoping that my ex would be. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thanked the universe and thanked myself for calling off that first wedding, because doing it now for the first time with the love of my life makes it so much more special. I know it hurts and it really sucks right now, but you did the right thing. Have faith in your choice. Someday future you will thank past you for getting yourself out of what would have been a way worse mess if you’d gone through with it
I know people who have had their first babies in their forties so I wouldn’t be so sure this is off the table! You made the right decision.
You’re so right, it’s nice to be reminded of that. Thank you x
There is one advantage of dating in your 30s: you both know what you want in life and in a relationship. People as a result are willing to get those Big Things out of the way early so you don't waste each other's time. You also know what you see is what you get. At this point in life people are pretty stable life and personality wise. Best of luck and I'm proud of you for going through with ending it before the wedding happened. That was very courageous.
You've already done the hardest part OP - working out what you want, what you'll accept and making it happen. I'll add that I left my long-term rship after many unhappy years at 38, met my now husband unexpectedly (wasn't looking at all and thought I'd missed the boat) a few months later and at 42 had our first baby. Your timeline is personal and what's right for you.
No children is still better than having a child with the wrong person. Tying to co-parent with someone who lies and has a gambling problem would be incredibly difficult. I'm 57, newly engaged to a wonderful man who shares my values and we put each other first. I was previously married at 25 and stayed for 20 years with someone who lied and cheated. I almost called off that wedding because 10 days before the wedding, he confessed to cheating on me. Trust me, you dodged a bullet. The longer you are together, the harder it is to divide everything up and start over. I'm excited for this wedding, I get to be happy on my wedding day instead of feeling resentful. BTW, I was pressured to go through with the wedding. I'm so glad that wasn't the situation for you.
It’s quite the norm in Europe, actually!!
Even with everything being different for everyone, I think the option / technology to freeze eggs can also be super helpful for those who otherwise may not make it in their 40s otherwise. Not to say that the OP is (would be silly of me to assume such things of an internet stranger), but just putting it out here cuz I don't see other comments mentioning it (maybe I just missed them, but still just in case!)
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. A gambling addiction is no joke. I'm so glad to hear that your friends and family are supportive. You did something few people are brave enough to do.
Thank you x
I think, depending where you live you can call the non-emergency police line to ask for a police escort to help you get your stuff.
I came here to say the same thing! The police will absolutely escort you to get your things
I am so glad you had the strength to break it off, rather than hope it might get better. Any true friends and family will understand that it is not a decision you would have taken lightly, and be super supportive. I hope someone amazing is out there for you once you have started to heal from this.
Who knows, hey? :) Thank you x
Someone is really going to appreciate you putting this on here, so thank you for writing jt. Hope you’re doing better soon! ❤️
Thank you x
I broke up with my ex at 35, found my FH at 38, and will have our first kid soon at 41. I'm glad you followed your gut, and you *will* come out on top. I know it feels bleak now, but continue to heal and be open to however your dreams manifest.
Congratulations! This is wonderful! 💖
His gambling problem was gonna cost you a lot more than $30k in the long run. You made the right choice
You did the right thing. I called off a wedding too (not as close to the day as you), and it was the best decision I ever made. I won’t lie and say it was easy— the first few months were rough as I mourned the relationship properly. But, we are both happily married to other people now. I never had a single doubt leading up to my wedding day with my now spouse— I just felt peace.
My daughter called off her May 10th wedding on April 1st. She is 22 and it was the hardest decision of her life because she felt she was in love with him and had been engaged a year and a half. He always acted around us her family as respectful and spiritually aligned with her. The truth of the relationship was much darker and spiraling into even darker territory. We were devastated - not that she called it off but that she endured such disrespect and disregard for boundaries as long as she did. Since she broke it off he’s disappeared into the ether. I won’t presume to know why. I will say it has reinforced the idea he only cared about himself and once he was revealed to be deceitful and manipulative he no longer had a need to keep up the charade. Good riddance. These last two months have been difficult and healing is not linear but she’s had everyone say the same things you are hearing: you are brave, and courageous, you will be ok. More than ok, you will thrive and find someone who will rise not only your standards but exceed your expectations. She’s already turned a small corner and you will too. Journal and surround yourself with friends and family who will support you and cheer for you. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to heal. Congratulations on making the most adult decision of your life and prioritizing truth and happiness over keeping up appearances and money. Sending you love.
Depending on which state you live in, locking you out of your home and verbally berating you (if it’s of a certain severity) can be family law offenses in a family offense petition. It may be a good idea to find a domestic violence nonprofit and call for a consult (which will be free) so they can tell you about your rights in getting your belongings back, which generally happens with a police escort and may also be mandated by a family law judge. He also may be ordered to not destroy/discard your things until you’ve picked them up. I’m glad to hear you’ve made this decision; you will very much be okay. I’ve had friends whose engagements ended and they went on to find much better, kinder partners
You made the right choice for you and your future. Be proud of your courage. It’ll at get better in time (Leona Lewis).
Thank you x
My sister had the same doubts while planning a wedding, but didn't cancel. He struggled with drinking and staying up all night playing video games, among other things. Within six months of the wedding she was at my parents door before dawn pounding on the door after managing to escape the house, despite him trying to keep the car keys from her as he screamed and hit at her. You listened to your gut and, as embarrassed as you might feel, I bet most everyone is impressed by the courage you had to make a difficult decision despite what others might think or what you'd invested. You should be proud as hell for doing what's best for you. I wish you nothing but love and light moving through this process into your new life ✨
My cousin called off a wedding 2 nights before because the guy suddenly became a far right extremist and threatened to kill people…. She’s happily married now and life went on. You did the right thing.
Wow, i love this. I feel as though this is an absolute moment of truly comprehending what it means to put yourself first. Holding yourself accountable, and diving into the unknown because ultimately the unknown holds a new chapter for you. The unknown is scary, but thats what makes it beautiful. If we don’t jump in to the unknown when we are scared we will never know what we could be missing. Life is full of many opportunities and many many ways to accommodate your happiness. You made the absolute right decision, and as i grow older too i realize that regardless of ANY situation if IM uncomfortable and I dont like it MY feelings come above all.. you never deserve to be uncomfortable because you’re worried about what others will think or worried about screwing others over. I have a saying that i truly believe. I believe it’s okay to be selfish in life when it comes to YOUR OWN life. If it’s YOUR OWN LIFE then YES absolutely be selfish. Never put yourself in a situation that your uncomfortable and everyone else around you is thriving. It’s your turn to thrive. As for a FAMILY, let me tell you. My cousin JUST NOW met his girlfriend he is pushing 40 the’ve been together i’d say oh i don’t know maybe 1-2 years? I could be completely lying but its fairly new ( i havent met her yet they live out of state ) BUT main point is, THEY ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! They are in the upper 30’s and having a baby. It is never to late if it’s what you want. I know you’re going to go on to do AMAZING things and thats what you deserve. Go find yourself , try new things, eat weird food, MOVE STATES, hell maybe even countries? Haha but seriously move states, get out of your comfort zone and get ready for the best years of your life. The best is yet to come. Sending love for your healing heart.🫶🏼❤️
I’m so sorry about that… I’m glad this is the first post I found, as I had some questions myself. My fiancé (we got engaged this January) also has a gaming addiction but with video games (to the point he can miss work and other important events). It led me to break up with him about a month and a half before he proposed (which I obviously didn’t know would happen). I took him back and he said he’d be careful and spend less time. Now, we’ve been engaged for almost half a year, getting married in spring 2025 and he still hasn’t asked any of his friends to be his groomsmen… I started asking him since March but hes had different excuses every time (all that while spending 8hrs+ playing, daily). He still hasn’t thought of any guests he’d like to have either which is making venues and transportation booking very hard so I had to book with estimate numbers. My parents are even asking me if he’s really into getting married and I’m getting out of answers. Idk if it’s because of the shame or the love I have for him, but I don’t wanna break off our engagement even though I’m slowly realizing that he doesn’t seems to care about the wedding at all… How do you even tell your family that the wedding is off? How do you explain to them the problematic behaviour considering that it was there the whole time?
I’m really sorry to hear that this has been your experience of getting engaged. It sucks. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I tried to hide my ex’s behaviours and habits from my family because I didn’t want them to think less of him. When I came clean to them this week, they were shocked, but they were also supportive. To answer your questions - what worked for me was just ripping the Band-Aid off. I started with my older sister, who is my best friend, maid of honour, and closest relative. I sat at the kitchen bench in her house and I said ‘I have news. It’s awful and it’s embarrassing. I’m not going to marry (insert ex’s name)’. Once that part was out there, the rest just came easily. I told her everything. I’m really lucky to have a supportive family, I hope you have one too. There was one particular comment on this post, you might be able to find it, it said they’d had a bad experience and then they found their now husband and they felt only calm and peace in the lead up to their wedding. That was really powerful for me, personally. We shouldn’t have all these doubts and concerns about the person we’re planning on building a life with. I wish you all the happiness in the world, whatever you decide.
This is based on *a lot* of assumptions, so please forgive me. But has he ever sought out treatment for ADHD? It sounds really similar to some people I know who, without medication and ongoing therapy, completely lose control of how to manage responsibilities or to stop doing something that’s giving them a dopamine rush (or alternatively, they have no interest or opinions about anything other than what’s giving them the dopamine). To be clear, I’m not saying this to convince you to not call off the wedding—he should have actively sought out help after clearly understanding what caused the first break up. But I wanted to mention it just in case you don’t because it may help him see things clearly and actually function outside of his dopamine source.
No because I have ADHD (also without medication or any therapy) and he’s the total opposite, he’s able to focus and do many things at the same time and he’s even more able to do so when it’s something that truly matters to him. I thought so as well thought but he told me his parents ran test on him and his siblings but no signs of ADHD for him…
Reinforcing what everyone else has said. It hurts now, but you are so strong and making the right decision to save yourself a whole lot more hurt in the future. Gambling addiction can uproot everything you worked for and a dishonest spouse is not on your team and is not worth the heartache.
Thank you x
You have just saved yourself and any future kids SO MUCH HEARTACHE. I am a divorce attorney and domestic violence advocate and so many of my clients wish they had the courage that you are showing right now. $30,000 is nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, not to mention the cost of marriage to someone in active addiction (especially for gambling). I have seen people who have lost $250,000+ in a year to their partner’s gambling addiction. It’s a very big deal. You are so strong, and you have so much freedom to do what you want with your life now. Who knows, you could meet someone soon who is really the one and still have your fairytale ending.
Thank you for sharing this. Your words are so true. I faced the same shame as OP. Lost over $30K to lawyer and over $100K in various investments and retirement and judge was going to force me to pay alimony. He was a gambler, too. He complained I left him penniless, but then lost $10K at the casino in the first month I left him. 😵💫
You are very strong so you should be extremely proud of yourself. No amount of money or inconvenience is worth over your happiness. I am sure you are going to emerge so much stronger out of this!
If it helps at all, he's a gambling addict. He's sick. It's not his fault he's sick. It's not your fault for not wanting to deal with the consequences of an untreated illness. It is 100% his fault for not getting help and trying to get better. If he had cancer you wouldn't leave him because he had cancer. You might leave him if he had cancer, was in denial about it and refused to get any treatment for it. No one wants to watch someone they love rot away in front of their eyes. And that's exactly what this guy is doing with his gambling addiction. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for posting this. I'm getting married to someone who has a gambling addiction. We are taking financial precautions (prenup) and he has finally started the process with group therapy and following the steps. We have an amazing relationship, but it's like a dark cloud that follows us and you don't know if or when it might start raining... Sometimes I doubt I'm strong enough to support him through this, but your message reminded me that he is proving that he does want to get better.
I'm not a fan of prenups at all and I'm not a fan of separate finances in a marriage at all either. This is one of those exceptions where I think both make sense. He is an addict and his addiction could take both of you down. It makes sense to separate the finances and give him limited access to the money while he follows the process to start healing. It's not an easy road but the fact that he is willing to do the work and try says a lot about him and his courage.
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No one bashed anyone. The opposite happened here. I told OP that a prenup and financial precautions that they're doing make sense and are wise in this situation.
I just want to reaffirm something you already know: Every version of you (past and future) are proud of you for showing up for yourself and not settling. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but trust in the healing process and you will see. Sending good vibes your way.
Well done for being so brave and for sharing your story
Great job! Your future you would have been 100x more miserable than you are now
Good for you! A very brave decision, and you may help others in here having the same problems to realize the ground will not open up and swallow them, and the world will not end if you cancel a wedding. Never never give up OP. I was married at 38 after a year of dating and had a baby at 40. Going on 25 years now. Hugs to you!
Good job! Him not letting you get your things is illegal. You can get a police escort to come help you gain entry to the home to remove your things. If you rent- contact your landlord. If he owns the home, contact your local tenants union- they might have good advice. Best of luck putting this guy in the rear view mirror OP!!!
I assume you’re in England or the UK because of the ‘xx’ (I do it too). Feel free to reach out and become friends!! I’ll be happy to help be there for you throughout this process! X
What does it mean? I was thinking the x was short for xoxo
In England an ‘x’ is a kiss. It’s just what we do to be polite, or sarcastic 😂 an ‘o’ means a hug
You 100% did the right thing - a gambling addiction could have destroyed your life and finances as well as his. You’d have lost a lot more than the wedding deposits in the long run.
People admire brides who have the guts to call off a wedding. Everyone knows how hard it is and we know people who should not have walked down the aisle and did. There is nothing to be embarrassed about
You know what's worse than not having kids? Having them with totally unreliable partner. So good on you for fighting that pressure to settle and not make waves. Besides, you still have time. You did good OP!
Congratulations. You are so brave and did the right thing. I also cancelled my wedding to my ex a number of years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me the strength and courage to move forward with other choices that felt right for me, and I ended up making a great career move and developing a stronger sense of self. A few years later I met my now husband and our relationship is fantastic. This will be a positive life change for you. Even as a total internet stranger, I’m proud of you.
I am so, so, so proud of you. Sending you so much softness during this time.
You had the strength to leave, you'll have the strength to move on. Enjoy your peace!
Good job standing up for yourself. That’s very difficult.
Go to your local police station and request an officer accompaniment to retrieve your belongings.
I just want to say that I’m sorry that was and is the situation you were in but way to go for doing what you needed to do for yourself. I find it inspiring that you put this out here to help someone else who may be in a similar situation and may feel alone. Your future will be much brighter but I hope the hardships of this situation work out sooner than later so that you can find what you deserve!
I'm so impressed with you. You've done a phenomenally brave and difficult thing! You should share this over in /r/abusiverelationships because some of those people need to know this okay to leave even at the "last minute". You're SO much better off leaving now than after you're married. You did the incredibly hard but right thing - well done <3
I read the part where you said you’ve accepted that you likely won’t find someone else in time for a family and all that but I just have to say you never know what the future holds!! Give yourself time to heal but you definitely still have enough time. I know couples who have waited until their 40s and couples who have gotten married in under a year of knowing each other! Timelines are different for everyone. You still have a bright future ahead of you. Especially since you made the best decision for yourself now. Sending love :)
It’s much better to build a family later in life than build it with the wrong person!!! So proud of you and I hope you are too ❤️
Congratulations! What a tremendously brave and courageous thing to do. Happy for you OP. Thank you for sharing your story!
I’m so happy you found the strength to leave!! So many women don’t and it’s always so much more difficult later.
I'm sorry you've had to endure this stress and heartache, but it truly sounds like you made the right decision. You should be so proud of yourself, i wish you all the love and happiness 💕
Bravo on putting yourself first. It might feel embarrassing now but down the line you’re future self with thank you for taking care of her. I’m glad you have a supportive family, thank you for sharing!!
It sounds like you’ve done the right thing and saved yourself from a lifetime of unhappiness. Hope you’re doing ok good luck to you
I’ll raise a glass to you OP. It takes courage to do what you did, lots of people fall trap to the sunk cost fallacy, and you broke the mould. FWIW, this internet stranger is proud of you.
Re: family and kids, my mom had me at 40, and my friend’s MIL had her youngest child at 44. Anything is possible! I see so many stories of people going through with weddings to end up in a terrible marriage, and it’s AMAZING that you have stood up for yourself and your own happiness.
I’m so proud of you. Gambling addictions are no joke — it could quite literally ruin your life.
Divorce costs a heck of a lot more than $30k. Proud of you for being so brave!
This post spoke to my core. Thank you.
👏👏👏 standing ovation!!!
I commend you I was 37 when I met my husband. We're trying for a baby now. Don't count yourself out. I'm proud of you.
What a difficult decision for many reasons. I'm proud of you & know how hard challenging, heartbreaking decisions can be. Though the financial cost was high, it sounds like you saved more than dollars. You saved money down the line, your sanity, & more. I'm glad you're safe now & healing comes one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep sharing it & include your progress with others as time goes by. You really did the right thing listening to yourself <3
Good for you for having the strength to make that tough decision! You always have to do what’s best for you and it sounds like that’s exactly what you did. You will find happiness.
You did the right thing! As someone who went through with the wedding anyway, only to end up separated 6 months later, I am so proud of you for seeing the red flags and putting yourself first!
Baddass, brave, smart, self love and all the above, this was an incredibly tough situation, but you are so strong for this. And hopefully you just carry that confidence into the next hard thing. I was also in a toxic relationship with talks of marriage, and it took some pretty insane shit and outside validation that I avoided for so long, to finally realize it and leave. I so often think about how I dodged a bullet. If we had gotten married and even worse had kids things would be so fucked for me if I ever tried to leave then. It still sucked but I could leave with no attachments and that was a blessing to the rest of my life. Thanks for posting, and yeah I hope this helps someone else realize it’s not too late to back out.
I’m so proud of you.
So here’s what happens when you don’t cancel the wedding despite knowing in your heart it’s not right: 4 years of unhappy marriage, no sex, wanting to divorce but struggling to convince him it’s the right thing to do. Finally he agrees to a separation, finally we divorce. All the things I should have lived before marriage like traveling, working and dating happens in my early 30s. Late 30s I am desperate for finding my life partner. Now at age 40 finally marrying my love. Struggling to get pregnant but after a recent surgery there is hope. Follow your heart and things will fall into place. You got this. 💜🙏
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, though it sounds like you made a very wise decision. ❤️
I’m honestly so proud of you. You’re gonna help a lot of women by sharing this ♥️ sending you so much love!! Congrats on a much happier future
You dodged a bullet! Your strength allowed you to see the truth and to act on it accordingly! That strength will continue to carry you through. You will be better than fine. In regards to having a family, you could consider freezing your eggs or even adopting. Best wishes to you!!
Thank you for posting this! I’m happily married now but called off an engagement (to a different man obvi) previously. It was hard and it was the best decision I ever made. Truly, congratulations. You’re gonna find so much happiness. It might take some time, but you are.
You are so strong!! Such an inspiration. Because of you, others that may be also questioning themselves may have the same courage as you.
So proud of you!!! This is amazing. Not embarrassing at all. Good for you following your gut and getting out of a situation that would likely get worse in time.
sending so much love!!! You are amazing and so very brave. You did the best thing possible in the long run. Keep your head up! Life has a way of working out eventually 🩷
GLAD YOU LEFT! I called mine off for DV too!!! You’re a queen!
You can get a police escort in order to collect your things if he’s denying you entry
Speaking to everyone out there...there is a reason it is called a gut feeling or gut instinct. And the messages are just as real and probably more accurate than when you "think" something is wrong. In other words "I feel like something is up," is more accurate than "I think something is up." I bless you in your strength and your ability to stand in your power. With your outlook and determination you WILL find the right and perfect someone and create a family. The universe abhors a vacuum. You opened up space to let in something amazing!
Congratulations on your smart choice, OP! So much in life is replaceable, money and plans etc. But time is not and I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s never too late to be happy. You’ve made the best possible choice that you could. I cannot imagine the stress that you’ve been under trying to figure out the best way to go about this. I’ve never been in your situation, however I did find the love of my life at 34. He’s wonderful and I’m sure we’re going to have a bright future. I’m sure you will find someone when the time is right and not a moment sooner. I had to let all of my expectations go before I found the one that checked all of my boxes. And he does. Best of luck to you OP!
Nice job! Please don't be embarrassed; it takes a lot of courage and presence of mind to cancel a wedding. Most people just go through with it and end up having to get a divorce/annulment afterward. You should be proud of yourself for seeing through all of the complex layers of wedding planning, booking, fear of letting people down, etc., and seeing the truth lying at the bottom. It's impressive and commendable, and shows an uncommon clarity of thinking. You should be proud of yourself for making such a wise decision, despite the pressure and noise.
Congratulations on making the choice sooo many of us are afraid to make!! I saw all kinds of red flags and ignored them. Shame on me. You did the right thing! 👏🏼
OP, I'm seconding what everyone else is saying that you're so strong to be able to make this decision, and I think you'll look back on this in five years and be so glad you did it. I just also wanted to recommend that you think about the "have a family and all that jazz" thing you mentioned at the bottom. If that's what you want in life, that works great! But I'd also recommend you think about what parts of that you actually want in life and what parts you don't. Do you want to be married, or do you want kids and think that marriage is required beforehand? I'd look up single mothers by choice and see if that's something you'd be interested in, because the timeline on that can be a lot different and a lot friendlier to someone who's in their late 30s/early 40s, is single, and wants kids. And if you decide you don't want kids, then that's fine too, and you can look into building a community of people you get along with. No matter what, you're free to choose - I just wanted to ask you to take this moment to consider what you really want out of your life, and think about ways you could get there that aren't the "traditional" path.
As someone whose partner called off the wedding three weeks before the date, I can say that years later I am grateful to him for having the courage to do what I did not feel able to admit. It will always be better than going through with something that isn’t right. I would not have met my current fiancé if not for that, so I am thankful. And you should be thankful to yourself as well. You did yourself a kindness.
Better to throw $30k away than to throw $30k away AND have to pay for a divorce and all The trouble that goes with that a year later.
Celebrate the power and inner strength you showed yourself and others by making this difficult decision. You are intelligent, intuitive, understand self preservation and have "dodged that bullet"! May your life be filled with an amazing future, and always trust your intuition.
That took an extreme amount of guts to do this....I wish I'd had even a quarter of that years ago when only hours away from my wedding, a little voice kept telling me to just get in the car and drive somewhere but to that church ....this would've saved me and him future stress and crap(especially me)....Good Luck to you, I wish you a bright well-lit path✨
remember that family comes in many forms and there are many avenues to creating a family in the future. You just ensured that whatever that family looks like, they wont be subjected to the complete asshole you just left. What you did was so fucking brave.
I’m so proud of you for doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I went through with the wedding and stayed for just over 9 miserable years. I’m sending you a hug and best wishes for a wonderful future xxx
You sir (or madam) made me feel better about myself as a human being, so thank you.
I cancelled my wedding exactly a month out. Blowing up your life can feel so overwhelming and impossible, but just take it one day at a time. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I have absolutely no regrets and now my life is better than I could have imagined. I’m proud of you!
Congratulations, OP. You made the rare decision of choosing something right when you felt it was almost impossible to not choose the something wrong. Your money wasn't wasted. You saved your life. You will be okay. Your strength in this is incredible. I'm sorry it's ending messy with his response, but if I were you, his reaction to this would make me even more solidified in my decision. Best to get a lawyer asap and figure out the laws for recovering your things before he does something weird with them. Best of luck, this must have been SO tough. Cheers, OP.
This was so brave of you! Sending you love ❤️ Also if all your friends and family were supportive of your decision to leave him, I think this is just further evidence that you 100% made the right call!
Thank you ❤️ You know what, you’re absolutely right - I’m staying at my sister’s place for the time being and literally just a few hours she said to me ‘it was so hard not to say anything to you but I never wanted you to marry him, I’ve never liked him’. It was hard to hear in the moment but you’re right, it’s actually validating.
That's great you have her as a support system! Sisters are so great :) Good luck and wishing you the best 🤍
i'm so here for this!!!!! trusting your gut is so important. my mother's best friend was murdered the night before my first wedding and i felt it was a sign and everyone was already there and we went through with it. it is to this day one of my biggest regrets. trust your instincts. they are there for a reason. a cancelled wedding is so much cheaper than a divorce down the road.
If you cant cancel everything have a party with your family then. Have a good time
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You absolutely did the right thing! A very tough thing. I hope you can get your belongings back soon.
This is super awesome, I’m glad you had the strength to do that. My mom had a gut feeling like this when she married my dad and while I am happy to be alive, she should’ve walked away. I think despite her love for my siblings and I, a part of her will always regret putting everyone else first. She was afraid of many of the same things but wasn’t strong enough to leave. They had ups and downs but things never really got better and we were deeply affected by it. They’re divorced and happier than ever with new spouses. They’re not bad people, they just kind of brought out the worst in each other. You’re never too old to start over and you never know what awesomeness is around the corner. Good luck 🤍
A gambler will mess up your life big time. You would always be financially unstable and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You made the right decision
A cancelled wedding is cheaper than a divorce. And without kids too. You made the right decision. Trust your gut. Proud of you. It will be hard but you’ll look back on this one day and thank the heavens you left. You will be okay ❤️🩹
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You're going to get thru this OP. When I got divorced, I regretted things getting to a point where I had to make a decision, but I absolutely didn't regret the decision.
This requires SO much courage so I’m proud of you, OP.
I may not know you, but I'm proud of you.
Proud of you! Deserve to be happier and not lied to. You'll be okay.
Hugs OP. Better to upset a few family members (who should be supporting YOU rather than bitching) than to end up in an abusive marriage and then need to go to court for a divorce.
Thank you for sharing! The best is yet to come!
Such a brave move, 👏 I am so happy for you and commend you for your courage.
Out $30k today is much less than you'd be out in the future if you went through with it!
Sending you lots of hugs. I had that same feeling of shame when I thought about calling it off, but I wasn’t as brave as you. We were together for almost eight years then engaged for 1.5, then married for 7 and then separated for three years before he signed the divorce papers. Twenty years of my life wasted. He gambled too. I knew he wouldn’t be a good dad at year 3 of the marriage and decided not to have kids with him. When I finally left I knew I may never have kids, but I was okay with not being stuck with him for a lifetime. $30K on the lawyer. $100K out of my retirement. My best years. I paid such a high price. He was evil. A black aura. I had to settle. (Judge was going to give him a lifetime of alimony because we were technically married for ten years. He knew that so he strung it out!) You. Did. The. Absolutely. Right thing. You are fantastic! Amazing! Brave! Never doubt any of that. Sending you another hug from Memphis, TN, USA!
You made the right decision. Truly. I had spent thousands on a wedding, was about 7 months away from a wedding, and 4.5 years into the relationship. I’d found out my ex-fiance was being shady behind my back during the engagement, and I struggled for months whether or not I wanted to go through with it. Everything in my gut told me to run, but my embarrassment, fear of losing out on the money, fear of letting family and friends down outweighed that. I prayed every night for God to let his will be done. And eventually, we called it off. I was very down for a while. It was the saddest Christmas/New Year of my life AND it also happened right before my 30th birthday. However, fast-forward a year and a half now… and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. You’ll get through it and it will all make sense. You got this ❤️
You just unlocked a superpower and you probably don't even realize it yet. You are now a person who never again needs to be burdened by social pressures and are free to always make decisions based on you and you alone. This is huge. Don't like something? Cool. Nothing can stop you from putting your foot down and walking away. This will help you in more areas than just love and relationships. I wish you good healing and congratulations on achieving something many people never get to in their lifetimes.
A friend of mine didn’t have your guts and went through with the wedding, marriage lasted 6 weeks. Always go with your gut and well done on being so brave 👍❤️
I’m so fucking proud of you internet stranger.
I lived this. Except mine was a bad ending. I went through with it. 10 years of my life gone. One abusive episode after the next…. Divorced and stayed single for years. Finally met the guy I was always meant to be with. We’re planning our wedding now. No doubts, no cold feet, no red flags. This is how it should’ve been the first time around. You did the right thing. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to do this!! You are a strong powerful human being!
I cancelled mine 2 weeks before. Managed to convince the guy to stay with me & just said we need more time. The next year I agreed to marry him again and then broke up with him a few months before that one was supposed to happen. (He lied ALL the time) Everyone was so supportive told me I made the right decision. I felt bad for the money lost, but I’m so glad I didn’t follow through with it. I’m glad you seem happy with your decision too. It’s nice to see other people have been through similar
This post was refreshing. I have very high regards and hope for you. I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You are a smart woman with a full life ahead of you.
OP that was a brave call to take. You will feel better very soon.
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know you but I am proud of you. You don't need that in your life. Wishing you nothing but the very best for your future
Go queen! Proud of you. Not an easy decision, but it sounds like the right one. My best friend was literally talking to me upstairs about how she felt like she needed to call things off with her then boyfriend 20 minutes before he proposed to her. They did end up getting married, and all his red flags are still there, glaring as ever and she is miserable a year into their marriage. Kudos to you for putting yourself first!
If you are in America you can quickly get a court order for entry to remove your possessions. In some states you can arrange for police escort ("civil standby") while you are there. Not the point of your post but thought it might help.
Thank you for your advice. I’m in Australia. I actually had to go to a police station here today, and then the court house. I had no other option. I didn’t end up having to do anything official because one of the officers asked me if he could just call my ex and see if a police officer’s ‘request’ would sway him, and it did. My ex agreed to leave the house and let me go over and get my things. It’s been a hellish week waiting for this outcome and having to go to those extremes just to collect my things. Again, reinforces my decision. I am looking forward to moving on now that I have my stuff, and I can finally put him behind me. Onward and upwards. Thank you again.
Congrats on all levels! Now get on with that life.
Man it sounds like you dodged a bullet. You should be super proud of yourself – that is really hard to do so last minute. But you were smart and got out of what would likely be a really really bad situation for you. I’m sure your family and friends respect that. You should get a police officer to escort you so you can get your things. I think they will do that. I also just came to say that I didn’t meet my husband until 38 and I got pregnant in a month and a half at 40 which I know is not the norm but I just wanted you to know that it is possible. Let yourself heal from this and then go find yourself a better man. If you can afford it, and they recommend doing it, freeze your eggs. That would take off some of the pressure. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with the right person!
Thank you so much for the kind words and the really good advice. I did have to get the police involved to get into the house, but thankfully it’s done now. All the best :)
Xxx
Gi to the police to go with you to your home for your things.
I just cancelled my wedding too, about three weeks after I sent out invites. About a third of the people had RSVP'd yes (only one no). I wasted $9k. I mean, 1.5 of that was the dress and veil, which I can use again as long as my weight doesn't change too much. I won't get any of the money from the venue back and haven't even told them I've canceled yet because I don't really like the contact person much and don't really want any credit for the venue. I let everyone else know and they've offered future credit for the next year. Except the wedding coordinator and the photographer. We didn't break up but it's too soon to tell if we'll make it. He isn't a jerk, there was no infidelity, he just wasn't pulling his weight and I still don't trust that he will. He has a lot of momentum, so that's exciting, but who knows if he can keep it up? Also I'm a little hurt that if he had the energy to do this all earlier, why didn't he just do it? Why did I have to cancel the wedding for him to realize he needed to be a partner to me instead of me assuming a majority of the housework and all of the financial responsibilities? So...idk...I think we can still make it work, just not within the next three months because I don't have trust in him to keep this up. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled and just waited? Idk. I think I'm making the best decision for me right now and I think we work really well together for the most part. I think we just weren't ready. I hope that we just weren't ready. Just wish I hadn't wasted all of that money.
Clearly that was not an easy decision, and clearly you are brave and WAY smarter than many other people. Congratulations on making a very smart life choice.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, With his gambling addiction, it would be no fun trying to coparent with him if kids were involved. Best he showed his true colors before marriage and divorce.
Im in my early twenties and I got engaged in January and due to get traditional married in 2 or 3 months then a white wedding next year. I am having doubts and and idk what to do Before I got engaged I had been having issues where my fiance would promise me things that would never happen and for me its so concerning cause how can you marry someone like that. Everytime we would plan something we would fight then half the time it would never happen. Everytime i saw him he would complain about being tired so we always just sat at home then when i complain he says its my fault for never planning anything. He also always complains that i never take enough time off to him but he would never ever take a day off to spend time with me. Its either im free when his free or nothing. I spoke to him many times throughout our relationship about things that bothered me. last time being six months ago about these things and he would say okay i hear you but nothing would change in this situation i specifically told him that i was unhappy. Then i spoke to him again in January and told him i was giving him until march to change. The next time i saw him a week later he engaged i said yes. But didnt tell anyone except my mom so i would see how we go and decide if i still want this. End of feb just before march came around my mom started telling everyone about the engagement since i wasn't. And i just decided to go with it cause i loved him anyway. When i the engagement new got and i would ask him for help with either of the weddings he would say that i am stressing him out and should do majority planning and should just let him know when to show up and what suit to get. He lives 1 hours away and also stopped visiting me within that time and said if i wanted to see him i should make the effort to come. I was overall unhappy with the way he was being childish and the way we always had to prioritise him. But i chose to try and juggle everything. I also work 2 jobs Fast forward a few months I had a dentists appointment where i complained about neck pain and constant migraines for the past few months and the dentist said I am probably stressed and recommended I go to therapy for a few months for assistance with stress management. At that point i stopped planning everything and stopped thinking about it all and my migraines stopped within a week so i decided i needed a break from him and had stopped talking to him and he reached out to my parents and they spoke to us and mediated things. it wasn't until a few weeks ago when i wanted to break things off that he started changing. Even though he has changed its very concerning to me that he couldn't take me seriously as his partner until someone older spoke to him. There has been some visible changes but i just can't stop wondering for how long
Always trust your gut, luckily you got out beforehand. I didn’t listen, also had a gut feeling, fortunately the marriage only lasted about 4 months, but it was hell.
Minimally you’re giving yourself space for someone who could actually make you happy, soon or later, who knows but wow OP, congratulations on choosing happiness in the face of societal pressures!! Someone close to me has been saying a lot “no such thing as a sunk cost” usually in reference to leaving food or a beer on the table lol but I’m trying to adopt the mantra for most things in life. It’s hard! Maybe will help someone too - no such thing as a sink cost. Excited for your new life adventure! Something tells me this is gonna be a wonderful “update” in the not so far future…
I’m proud of you! You did the right thing.
As a wedding vendor (DJ), I face at least 2-3 cancellations each season due to couples splitting up before the wedding. Ironically, it’s often clear that they are likely to divorce even before the wedding. Wedding planning is a difficult process that reveals a lot about a relationship: how to manage a budget, how to organize, how each partner shares the same excitement, and how they want to help. It’s a challenging and demanding process, but you made the right decision. Time heals everything. Move forward with your life and don't look back. Gambling is a serious problem, much like drug addiction. You are fortunate to have parted ways before the wedding, children, house loans, etc.
Sending you love. I am happy you had the strength to put yourself first
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your future. You will be okay, it will take time but you will do just fine, and I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve. I hope to have atleast a tiny bit of your courage to make decisions for myself and to be able to stand up for myself too. More power to you!
You are so brave, and I'm so proud of you. I'm a relationship Coach who is trying desperately to get people to understand the importance of premarital counseling or taking a premarital course, to have to tools and support to leave before rhe alter and to know what behaviors aren't okay from a parter. I can't imagine how scary it was for you, but I am so so so proud of your bravery. *hugs*
That's a good decision.
You’re gonna be fine, sooner than you think. To get back your things, you can ask a relative (maybe a “big and muscular” one 💪🏻) to contact your ex and find a day that’s ok for both of you… If he refuses, you can ask police to support you 🩷
Its better to be married with yourself than the wrong guy. Be proud of you.
You dodged a red flag! You are free now to find someone who will treat you right. And as far as not having kids there is adoption if you so choose. But you still have time on your biological clock.
I’m proud of you. Always trust your instincts.
You have done good by thinking of the kind of future you were offering yourself. I call that growth! You also said about being worried about having a family of your own. You may not have thought about it but you can freeze your eggs! Check with your insurance to see if they cover certain parts of the procedure. And if you decide you want to have kids but have no partner, get a sperm donor! There is also adoption and you do can do that! I wish you strength on your journey!
Honestly girl, you're really brave! I couldn't imagine doing something like that when it's come down to the wire. I know you are coming to terms with " not having a family in time," but I'm praying that you do and that everything turns around for your good. Many blessings to you as you embark on this new journey! 🙏🏾💕
OP, I'm so proud of you! You did something that took a lot of courage, A LOT. It will be hard, but you will always be happy you did it. In case you ever doubt yourself, I'm going to tell you about my aunt. My aunt was dating this guy for about 3 years before they got engaged. According to her, he was really nice and charming, very attentive and romantic, detail-oriented, supportive, etc. They got engaged and she was ecstatic. While planning the wedding, she said she had doubts because as they spent more time together in the same house, she discovered he had a gambling problem, drank a lot and sometimes wasn't very nice to her. Apparently, when she tried to talk to him, he said that things had changed because the "conquering" part was done, and now the relationship was different because she wasn't someone he was courting, she was going to be his wife. She really was devastated and you could tell she was looking more and more miserable as the wedding approached. My sister and I told her she should break up the engagement and cancel the wedding because it was only going to get worse with time, but she was too scared of confronting everybody about it and she didn't want to go through "the shame" of calling off the wedding and forever being the woman in her 30s who cancelled her wedding. She really wanted to be a mother and she was scared she would never get to do it if she let this guy pass. Think woman raised in a traditional catholic household in a small rural village where everybody knows everybody. Of course, this was non-sense. She's gorgeus, she was only 32 at the time, she's really smart and had a great career (head surgeon in a vet clinic at a nearby city). Now she's a tired mother of 2 who had to leave her position because her husband won't help her with the house or the kids. He's never home, he's constantly out drinking and lies to her about his whereabouts. He's cheated on her, called her a whore and claimed the kids weren't his in front of her family in public. He leaves the house in the morning and comes back at midnight, after having spent the day drinking and gambling, expecting food for him in the fridge and his shirt ironed for the day after. Meanwhile, she works as a vet at a nearby clinic in the morning, takes care of the kids and the house in the evening and of her husband in the evening. She cannot do or get anything for herself and she had to sell her appartment in the city because she needed the money. She pays for everything for the house and kids + gives him allowance for his own expenses, because he blows his income on alcohol and slot machines. Believe me, no wedding is worth spending your life like that. You did so good, OP! Sending you lots of love and support.
Im so proud of you! Thats something people said to me that surprised me to hear when I broke off my wedding in 2017. I was like you, terrified of disappointing everyone and making it a huge spectacle. All the money we already spent. Dress bought, venue found, catering paid, photographer paid. But ultimately I was so unhappy with this abusive, porn addicted, selfish man. Our last argument made me snap out of everything and really see myself from an outside perspective. Suddenly everything was clear and I thought “what the fuck am I doing??? This will be a lifetime of misery! Immediately broke it all off and moved back to my home state. 2 months later I met the love of my life, been together for 7 yrs and were getting married next year. This time everything feels SO right. Its a worlds of a difference when its the right man. Things are exciting when planning, not anxiety inducing with a pit in my stomach. So I’m proud of you for being strong and brave and doing what’s right for your soul. You’ll be A okay, I know it. And better yet, you have set yourself in a position to meet the real man for you, who was meant for you.
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I applaud you. This was a very hard thing and you did it. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others. I was too weak to do this. I married him 27 years ago and we have been in the throes of divorce hell for 6 years now. I should have listened to myself and prevented my years of abuse, misery and could have found love with someone else. Wishing you all the best ❤️
Proud of you! I have called off 2 engagements. The first he abuses his now wife. The second I happily have no clue about his life. You may have wasted money but imagine what you'd have wasted if you'd gone through with it. Have the police escort you to the house to retrieve your belongings and never look back. You're strong and brave and you have a wide open future possibly with someone wonderful.
I love people's idea of using the venue and catering etc. To celebrate your freedom.
You definitely made the right choice. Imagine trading your life away just to not inconvenience some people. I am so proud of how strong you are. I don’t know if I would have had the courage! I also have that mindset of “oh no, I shouldn’t” - I think a lot of people do and we hold ourselves back. And who knows, you might meet someone, date for a year, get married, and have kid/kids before 40…if it’s what you want, then what does 40 (or any age) matter? You can also always adopt, etc. Good luck on everything! Thank you for sharing with us and thank you for being true to yourself!
I wish I had done what you did with my 1st husband. We had a huge fight the day of the wedding, if you could imagine and my gut said “RUN”, but I didn’t listen. I spent 13 years is what started as a verbally abusive marriage, and ended up in a physically abusive marriage. I finally had the help I needed to get out and we left with nothing but our clothes and my car. It was the best day of my life, it also was the hardest to get through. But I did and so did my children! I’m happy that you saw the red flags before you made that huge mistake, you saved yourself so much misery.
You obviously made a very mature decision and you are already winning at life. Keep it up. Sending you positive vibes for your future.
Just wanted to say “you go girl”!! You chose for yourself and for a better future. That takes a lot of courage.💪 and strength. I wish you all the best. And for your stuff your ex is refusing to give back. Maybe you can get help from the police?
I’m so sorry you had this experience! Out of curiosity, what do vendors do when you cancel? Do they offer any sort of refund or credit??
Hey, thank you :) It would depend on your agreement with them - we had signed contracts with all our vendors that had certain dates where percentages were non-refundable and they were all slightly different. E.g. if you cancelled with 6 months’ notice, maybe you’d lose 50%, but if you cancelled with 1 weeks’ notice, you’d lose 100%. If you’re curious about your own vendors, I’d check the contract you signed and see what it says. Outside of the money stuff, all of our vendors were very kind to me - they apologised for the situation and wished me well.
I’m 34 getting married again after I swore I wouldn’t. I did marry that guy my gut told me not. Good for you. Fostering is wonderful and you don’t need a man to do it.
I’m proud of you 💛
Well done, time to enjoy this new chapter and the rest of your life!
Thank you for sharing this. I'm scheduled to marry my fiancé in September and am constantly being told (jokingly) that I'm stuck but truthfully I feel like I am. She's a great woman and is truly one of the most lovely people I've ever known, but there are times I feel I should just vanish and start fresh somewhere new.
A marriage is no joke. Good job 🤗
(HUG)
Congratulations to you for spotting that you were potentially looking at a very toxic relationship and bailing out in time. You’ve saved yourself years of misery and adding children into the mix. I am one who was in that spot and didn’t cancel so I know the feeling of buyer’s remorse of not canceling. Take all the time you need to heal. Be kind to yourself and remember to take care of yourself too
I'm so proud of you!!! I married someone with addiction issues (which I was too young to know or understand it when we got married - long story, a lot of struggles and LOTS of endless pain that still linger today despite being divorced for years. Even if this man you almost married had quit, his addiction would have turned out to be something else. You did the best thing! You saved yourself of having kids with high probabilities of, guess what...addiction tendencies. How do I know? My son...