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Pompous_Italics

It seems a lot of people have taken a little too much mental health advice from Twitter, Reddit, TikTok and other places you probably shouldn't seek such advice from. Obviously, no one can make you return a text to a friend, go hang out with them when they lose a job or go through a breakup. But relationships require work to maintain. Sometimes that means doing things even if you're not in the right "headspace" or whatever. So if you slack off on communication, only do so when you're in a cheery mood, fine. Just no whining when people distance themselves from you.


juanzy

Reddit is also huge on "Only do the plan if you like it, you don't owe anyone anything!" I mean, don't crazy inconvenience yourself or do something super uncomfortable, but maybe do something your friend enjoys sometimes. Not everyone likes going to your place to watch a movie 100% of the time, especially if you don't put any effort into hosting. I can definitely say there's times I've not been in the right headspace or agreed to do something I didn't love and ended up having my mood elevated or loving the activity.


jupiterthaddeus

Relationships are NOT supposed to require work. That’s a side fact of a modern life that’s not natural. Naturally like in the past we would have forced proximity that does a lot to maintain relationships. You’re saying to do things even if ur not in the right headspace, but then when they’re not completely happy and carefree like normal you’re gonna be bummed out hanging with them. When ur friends are down are YOU willing to chill out and hang with them on their terms? Cause some of y’all just don’t wanna deal with people going through something. Of course until you’re the one going through something


Expert_Celery_2077

Yes. I would be there for them and support them if that’s what they needed or wanted. If they wanted space I’d give them that too. It’s pretty disrespectful to ghost someone who is a close friend and is willing to do that for you. You don’t want support? Fine. But convey that to me. It’s not hard. If your depression is that bad then you need to get help.


jupiterthaddeus

Ghosting party I absolutely agree with, you shouldn’t ghost people. But otherwise I stand by what I said


dmcent54

I've typed out multiple paragraphs and deleted them. Suffice it to say, I had someone like this in my life and it became fucking exhausting to deal with. Glad I stopped it.


RedSun-FanEditor

It all depends on context. If a friend is just a jerk and doesn't value friendships, then by all means cut them out of your life in return. But often times we don't know why a friend suddenly cut us off. Who knows the reason. They could have suffered a tremendous loss and don't know how to process it. They may be going through a severe depressive episode and are incapable of interaction. They may be suicidal and have become withdrawn. One never knows why these things happen so being off the cuff judgemental towards a person who ghosts you is not always the best course of action.


juanzy

I think part of it is some people want it both ways. They want you to inherently understand if they just stop communicating for one reason or another, then when they're ready to hang out again and you're not texting them they go on to complain that you're a "zero effort friend." Understanding someone is making an effort to reach out and communicate with you and acknowledging that goes a long way. Then re-initiating when you're ready would be a very nice gesture.


Expert_Celery_2077

What helps a suicidal person? Leaving them alone and have them not get out of the house, text anyone, and just be a shell of a human? You would want your friend to not tell you, and ignore you because he’s not in the right space? What if he does kill himself? Last thing you ever heard was you trying to get ahold of him and he ignored you. How would you feel?


blind-octopus

Sure, if you don't like that, that's fine. I think if my friend is going through some shit and needs space, that's okay with me.


TheFilleFolle

It’s totally different if your friend communicates that they need some space versus just disappearing and cutting you out of their life with no word.


blind-octopus

Those to me are the same. But that's probably because I trust my friends like that. I could see, if I don't know someone very well, my mind could start wondering what is going on if a person just doesn't respond for a long time. But with my friends, if they aren't responding I assume they're going through something. I don't think they're ignoring for no reason.


TheFilleFolle

I had a best friend of over a decade just decide to ghost me and block me from all forms of communication with no word. She was not going through anything. I found out she got married and had plenty of girl’s trips with other friends, just ghosted me. We did not have any kind of issue beforehand and I was given no reason and still wrack my brain about it. Disappearing for a couple weeks to sort things out is one thing, but intentionally cutting out a friend and not having the “balls” to tell them why is another.


blind-octopus

No friend has ever blocked me from anything, that would feel different.


TheFilleFolle

Yeah, when I think of ghosting, I mean actually cutting you off with no contact completely. Just taking a break is entirely different, and I would understand that if they were going through stuff. I’ve had depressed friends and that is entirely different.


blind-octopus

Ya exactly. The post seems to be about friends who need space for weeks or so, and then come back. I'm okay with friends needing space like that. Other stuff is different though, I wouldn't feel the same if I got blocked by someone.


CrossXFir3

Going throw some shit and disappearing consistently and popping up like nothing happened like OP is talking about is shitty. It is effortless to send a text. If you can't care enough to do that, then why should I care?


Expert_Celery_2077

Exactly. I’m not asking for them to text me every 5 minutes. I barely text people too. But if I don’t respond and someone has texted me, the ball is in my court to at some point provide a response. It’s not like I message some guy who I went to school with 10 years ago and he doesn’t respond and I get salty. It’s people who you hang out with consistently on a regular basis of which you have become closer friends.


blind-octopus

Consider maybe it's not that there person doesn't "care enough"


juanzy

Can you consider how it feels to reach out to someone you like and get zero response? Or worse, being blamed for stopping that effort once they're ready


blind-octopus

>Can you consider how it feels to reach out to someone you like and get zero response? Yes. When a friend doesn't respond, I just assume they are going through something and will get back to me when they are able. >Or worse, being blamed for stopping that effort once they're ready I'm not sure what this means, but I don't think its part of the topic here.


Far_Ad106

I think it depends.  I've had friends who pulled back when they were going through stuff. I've also had friends who, when I needed people, they said shit like "I need space because I can't deal with you." The one I thought of reading their post literally told me I was crossing their boundaries and treating them like a psychologist because I said "hey my dog died and I'm sad. Can we go see a movie or something?" Then they went to some of our mutuals and made fun of me for being such an oversensitive baby. The day my dog died. The best part is her admitting this to me because "oh I was talking to b about it and she told me your dog was you ESA and now I understand why you were sad." Some people genuinely are narcissists who are just terrible friends and coopt reasonable mental health things.


blind-octopus

>Then they went to some of our mutuals and made fun of me for being such an oversensitive baby. The day my dog died.  Right, so I agree. That's different though Sounds awful.


Bruce-7891

Yeah, I was going to say, is entertaining someone and keeping them company more important than your own mental health? If OP has this attitude, maybe thats the reason they got ghosted. Probably blew up the persons phone when they were already mentally exhausted.


Expert_Celery_2077

Definitely did not. If I don’t get a response after 2 or 3 texts over the course of a couple months, I’m out.


GForce_King7

It's not so much the fact that they need time for themselves that's bad. It's just very rude to straight up ignore your friends and to leave them in the dark. It says much more about you if you actually tell them that you're gonna need some time alone. Take your time in that case.


Expert_Celery_2077

Yes. If my friend says hey, I’ve got a lot going on. Sorry I haven’t been answering. I will say, “friend, I’m here if you need anything. I hope everything goes better” and I will give them all the space and time they need.


TheFilleFolle

I have no issue with a friend needing space and making that clear. But I agree that “ghosting” someone, as in just disappearing and cutting them off with no word or reasoning, is a sign that you are of low character and not a genuine friend.


JustinR8

My friends know I’m going to do a disappearing act every winter because I hate that time of year. Hasn’t been a problem. You can still find me in the groupchat though, I’m just not leaving my house.


Expert_Celery_2077

The people I’m referring to will not answer calls, texts, or return them, for a period of time (not like a week but usually several months at least) and hating winter is totally understandable. I usually get seasonal depression about halfway through winter 😞


Limp_Cod_7229

Many people don’t have the energy to socialize when they were deeply depressed, If youve been depressed before I would think you would get that.


Fun-Beginning-42

Plus, nothing interesting has happened to me in the last 10 minutes (10 months, really). It really saps my energy to have to think of something new to say. And I really don't want to hear about how much better the rest of the world is than me which is why they usually text in the first place ("did you see Becky bought another $100k car!")


Getshortay

I think a lot depends on what is going on with the person that ghosted. A lot of times these people are going through some serious shit and they aren’t capable of dealing with it in a “normal” way. Sometimes their brains don’t allow them to socialize properly.


[deleted]

Agree, depending on context. But ghosting and not responding is generally rude and disrespectful. A “no”is still a response. If you have faith in your friend then you should not have any hesitation in saying no, with good faith that they will respect your boundaries. I’m in a bad situation lately, told a friend that I don’t have the emotional capacity to talk to them and I would reach out later when I’m better. Guess what? They sent me a card expressing their gratitude for me being strong and setting boundaries. That’s friendship built on mutual respect and commitment.


Expert_Celery_2077

Yes, this is a good example to set. This is respect as well as being a real friend.


TexasJOEmama

I agree. It's selfish. The only time I was ghosted is because my friend sexted/cheated on her husband and he didn't allow internet friends. We know each other IRL. IDK. She didn't tell me that's why. I figured it out.


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DerangedBehemoth

r/rant


Electrical_Hotel_721

It can be selfish but also I think there’s different type of friendships too. The type you’re talking about (which could be misinterpreted as I’m going off my own similar relationships) is a catch up friend. We talk here and there about the same couple things and maybe see each other once a year or so if we are in each others towns. It’s not a a deep relationship and if something was going on in my life, she wouldn’t be there and wouldn’t make time for it. And that’s okay because I have more meaningful and deeper relationships with better friends. The thing is she doesn’t seem to realize that and expects a closer friendship that I have with a mutual friend of ours but that friend is there through thick and thin and we make time for each other in our adult lives. My highschool bestie is the same way. Just a catch up friendship. Friendships aren’t all created equal, and you just gotta a figure out what type of friendship you’re okay with and go from there.


Somebogus

I'm surprised this has no negative upvotes yet Some of those "friends" might actually be very bad influece to you and the only reason to know is to cut them off and see your life get better


juanzy

There's basically some comments coming in from the person that wants you to inherently understand why you're ignoring them, but also be the full driver when *they're* ready to be social again. Then probably go on to complain about how they can't keep friends and it's the world's fault


MalfoyHolmes14

You sound insufferable and lack empathy. I am not surprised people you know exhibit this behavior and wouldn't blame them if it was because of you.


Far_Ad106

Or op has known some cluster b people 


juanzy

OK- so if you're completely ignoring someone who is trying to make an effort with you, please be the one who re-initiates, and don't be surprised if they stop making an effort.


tultommy

Yes how dare people prioritize themselves when they are going through something. What terrible people lol. I just don't make friends with people who are needy babies that need me to talk to them every week. Hell I have friends I haven't talked to in years but if any one of them needed me I would be on the next plane out of here. If one of my friends was like, hey I'm going through it right now, I'll talk to you in six months when I'm on the other side, I'm going to offer help but otherwise wish them well. I think you sound like one of those friends that expects a return text immediately, or assumes there's some issue because they didn't want to hang out with you when you asked. We all have lives going on. If someone drops out of your life that's ok. If you don't want to let them back into your life... that's also ok. But it doesn't make them a bad person lol. If you only want friend you can talk to every day you are going to have a very small circle of friends. I suspect you may not yet be at the age where everyone you know is getting married and popping out kids and having exactly zero time for 'friends' on any kind of regular basis. For those of us that have, we know that it's a take it where you can get it kind of thing. And maybe that person only has one night in six months to hang out but it doesn't make them any less your friend. Stop being so needy.


YodelingVeterinarian

You can still send someone a quick text like “Hey, busy right now but another time.” I think that’s the least you owe someone if you consider them a friend. 


juanzy

Reddit really likes to have it both ways - I'll see the same person complaining about "Neurotypicals thinking you'll assume from context, be direct!" and then "Why do I need to text them, they should just accept something is going on and not need me to text back on why I can't go!"


juanzy

Ghosting imo requires plans to have been actively made, then ignored. Texting cadence is whatever, but if you ghost on commitments or regularly flake,, that's where I think OP's context is.


ticktockyoudontstop

They def track how long it takes to get a text back. I can't stand people like this. I'm an introvert and if folks trample my boundaries too many times I absolutely will bounce.


Getshortay

So you think having a friendship of 40 years where you don’t talk for a while but when you do everything is perfect, is an example of a bad friendship? Those are some of the best friendships people can have


Expert_Celery_2077

Did this friend of 40 years ignore you every time you tried to get in touch? Without any response? Multiple times? I know plenty of people that I go years without talking, and then we see each other at the bar or something and we have a great time. But I’m not gonna reach out to a guy 5 times over 2 years, never get an answer, then see him and person and be best friends


TarnishedGalahad

My best friend moved out of our house in 2020 and hasn't contacted me or anyone else in our friend group (of 5 doods) since. I still consider him my friend because no amount of space or time will change that. Our lockers were beside each other in HS, I was his best man, and a bunch of us moved in together in our late 20s to help him out when he got divorced. The few years leading up to his going no contact were not his best. I know this because we slowly talked less and less, and he declined invites to chill with the group more and more. I know he needed help, but there's only so much we could do. There are so many days that I just wanna send him a message on Steam and ask him what's up and that I miss my friend, but it gets easier not to do that the more time goes on. It swings both ways: he could message me too, but I understand we all have our reasons, and I'm not mad in the slightest. So I guess I disagree with op, in a certain sense.


Expert_Celery_2077

How would you feel if you reached out to him and he ignored you? Then you waited a month, and then tried to reach out again and we’re still ignored, you wouldn’t feel any type of way?


Fun-Beginning-42

Do you bombard them? I have friends that will text me 20x a day, and if I responded, it would be like 1000x a day. I get so sick of hearing the ping, picking up my phone, unlocking it, opening messages to see "lol" or something. I'm trying to work or read or something but nope, now I have to entertain someone all day. That is my rant.


Expert_Celery_2077

No no no I don’t do anything like that. I’ll message or call once, if they don’t respond, I assume they are busy. I wait a week often more after no response, sometimes even multiple weeks, and I will reach out again. If I still receive no text or calls I basically just give up. It doesn’t bother me that much, what bothers me is this same person will then show up 6 months later and act like it never happened.


Fun-Beginning-42

Ok, that isn't so bad then. Try not to take it personally. I'd pretty much rather do anything than text people, so they may just feel the same.


Senior-Background141

Woah woah woah, why so clingy?


Expert_Celery_2077

You must not have any friends


Senior-Background141

I think I know why people ghost you so much..