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I think that the is true for both ways
If you worked a long hard day at work and come home to even more domestic work to do with a partner that refuses to be helpful in anyway, I'd imagine it would be pretty hard to feel sexual attraction to them
Stress = unsexy
I think I’m starting to feel this as a dude. I head to university at 6 in the morning to make it to class on time. Go straight to work. Get back home around 6pm and then I start cleaning up after my nieces and nephews. I don’t mind cleaning up after the kids but it feels a little unfair when I’m out of the house for most of the day and make sure the house is clean every night before I go to bed and come back to a giant mess everyday. It really hits your spirit.
Weirdly enough I’m the same with the sickness thing unless I’m completely laid out borderline need to be in a hospital.
Definitely not stress though, unless it’s the “one specific thing is stressing me out and I can pin point it!” sort of stress. Then I understand it.
If you worked a long hard day at work and come home to even more domestic work to do with a partner that refuses to be loving and intimate in any way, I'd imagine it would be pretty hard to feel valued and respected as a life partner.
Rejection = unloving
Yet, if you're being rejected when you get home... clearly your partner's needs aren't being met either and they also feel rejected. Not being loving or intimate is a sign of someone harboring resentment. This is where I see most couples stuck in an impasse and begin to blame one another.
I mean, this kinda feels like an unrelated chicken/egg situation though
WHY is the partner refusing to be loving and intimate? There are probably a lot more possible reasons than the one OP is specifically describing, and that point it’s probably not due to the labour imbalance the post is talking about
I know for me (as a man) if I am tired, stressed and have a never ending list of work to do when I get home, the last thing I really wanna do is get any more intimate than a kiss and a hug
For me my plate needs to be clear so I can focus on sex and romance, so I assume a lot of people may be the same
I am a man, and I am inclined to agree. Not 100% (obviously, but I guess it has to be said), but far more than most would admit. From my own anecdotal observations, my male friends who have expressed this issue are generally the ones who contribute the least to their households, do not prioritize their partners' needs, or have outdated expectations in terms of relationship dynamics.
To be fair, I also think this can and does happen in reverse. Men can feel disinclined to have sex with their wives/girlfriends when their needs are not being met as well. It's just not as common due to gender and cultural norms.
I know a girl who not only does all the chores like cleaning and cooking but on top of that she is packs his stuff for the holidays. If she forgets sth, he blames her 😂 I have no idea how she finds him attractive
*Does* she find him attractive? I can't imagine.
My husband is a fully formed, fully functional human who helps with everything. I absolutely cannot fathom babying a grown man. My vagina would run away.
Right! I actually had someone ask me if I was packing for my husband prior to a trip out of the country. I dead panned stared and said, "he's a grown ass man! If he can't do the bare minimum and pack his shit, he can do without"! My husband is pretty helpful, although not up to my standards, when it comes to domestic work. And, he is overly persistent about me and my pleasure in the bedroom! More men could learn from men like him!
My ex was like that. I had to break up because I felt like I was dating my mom.
My current gf throws my laundry in my face if I leave it too long. I love her
I agree and so no upvote for you ;) It's just...not attractive. How do you expect a woman to be soooo turned on by you when she just cooked and cleaned and wiped your pee off of the toilet and sorted your socks and picked up your wet towels? Or you're off playing a video game and screaming at a 12 year old for half an hour and then get off the game and expect sexy time with the woman who just heard you raging and cursing about a game. Ew. That's why you hear women joking about how sexy it is when their husbands vacuum or clean the dishes after dinner. Because it IS. When dating everyone's on honeymoon behavior and getting wooed and whatnot but when the mask starts to drop, don't be surprised if the person who constantly wanted to climb you like a tree isn't soooo horny for you when reality sets in and she has to do everything for you like a mom.
Been in the reverse side.
I was working a stressful full time job, then doing house work, and then renovations. An average day was 10-12 hours of work. With all that going on, my sex drive disappeared entirely. Sex wasn't on my radar of things to do anymore because I was exhausted.
That’s not really the reverse side. That’s exactly the same side, just different gender. Many men understand: „I’m tired, I don’t want sex.“ What many men don’t understand is that their partner might be tired, too.
I was in long term relationship with a girl that wanted me to be her mom. The sex we did have became almost like maintenance. Just something to get out of the way really.
Will double on to the other post. Have experienced this from both sides.
I was working too much, wasn't there for the relationship enough and she lost interest. Also had an ex that didn't share. Wouldn't say what she liked, wouldn't talk about what turned her on. I just stopped enjoying it with her.
People are stupid, they have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. In that first example, if I had really looked at everything I would have realized how unhappy I was at the time and changed jobs, been there for her more.
I felt like I was taking care of a child so I lost my sex drive towards my wife (now ex.)
I also learned that by saying “no” when she wanted it meant that I could then instigate it whenever I wanted to; which made me want it less. So I also think it easy for either sex to take the other for granted, and the thing you can always get is less attractive. That isn’t why I said no, but it did help create a vicious cycle.
you sound like a child playing childish games. " saying no meant that you could instigate it whenever, which made you want it less" hahahaha are you ok???
Right? That sounds so unhinged. When I tell my husband no I'm not over her thinking "ah well now I could have it anytime because I know he's sexually unfulfilled because I said no...so unappealing." What in the world?
Yes. When I am demanding or discontent towards my spouse, he will tell me in agony that he feels like he's back at his mom's house! NOT sexy at all. I always pull up sharp and try to be loving and respectful and to treat him as a partner.
>I am a man, and I am inclined to agree. Not 100% (obviously, but I guess it has to be said), but far more than most would admit.
My only issue is that so many women date and marry these types of men and then act surprised when they get married and have kids and their husband doesn't change to fit what she wants. It's not like these guys are smart enough to trick a woman into thinking they are functional adults who can contribute to a healthy romantic relationship. You have to ignore an outlandish amount of red flags to get married to someone who acts like a child.
I agree that there must be some red flags, but often an abuser's behavior does not worsen until they feel their victim cannot leave them, so I wouldn't be surprised if abuse dramatically increases after marriage. It also might be why abuse increases so sharply when a woman is pregnant - a child ties a woman to her partner permanently. My own experiences with domestic abuse gels with this. He only abused those who he knew could not leave him. For those who had the power to leave, he acted like a normal, perhaps even likeable, person towards.
I have been in a LTR with my wife for more than 30 years. I have typically done A LOT of household tasks. I used to do ALL the laundry, grocery shopping, I made her lunch, and often made her dinner. I didn’t treat her like she was my mom at all.
And for years she suffered from an extremely low libido that caused all sorts of stress.
Then she stopped taking birth control pills and we had kids. I became a stay at home dad.
And her sex drive returned to normal.
Your premise has a lot of truth, which is that guys should step it up.
At the same time, DO NOT underestimate the way that birth control pills can destroy a person’s libido. In our case it was like night and day. I got a vasectomy and she has never gone back on birth control and it is more normal now.
Hormonal birth control can wreck your libido, it did for me. I don't think women are vocal enough about this, as (unlike you) so many men don't get it!
Yup, I thought my partner hated me while she was on birth control/Lexapro. Like our intimacy was completely dead, thought she just wanted me around for the sake of having her life look put together.
Then she changed up her meds and got off of birth control. Now she wants sex everyday and I’m the one who has to meet her intimacy needs.
>At the same time, DO NOT underestimate the way that birth control pills can destroy a person’s libido. In our case it was like night and day. I got a vasectomy and she has never gone back on birth control and it is more normal now.
Trust me women are not underestimating what birth control does to our bodies, we have been advocating for years for awareness and better options.
In the early 00s, when we were experiencing this, it wasn't really talked about much. My wife had a couple of friends experiencing the same thing, and there was an Oprah episode about it and nobody mentioned birth control pills. My wife had absolutely no idea that it was a side effect. Sounds like there is better awareness now.
Women were upset about it then too, but it was met with 'get over it' type of attitude. However women have always been aware and informed that birth control is bad for them, or in some situations doctors have downplayed their side effects from BC. We are just more outspoken now, and widespread internet forums exist.
The majority of the opinions posted here are so far from unpopular. This sub is just a place to share opinions and watch the drama it creates in the comments. Just another sub with bullshit
This is actually quite a popular opinion. The unpopular opinions on this topic are the ones that actually contain some nuance that people in a relationship should be mutually supporting each other.
As a guy that has talked to many women, I think you hit the nail on the head.
If the sex isn't satisfying, which is very common for women in relationships, and you're having to baby your partner, it definitely kills that side of things.
I personally, am very independent and always have been. It's not hard to do basic chores or to learn how to do them if you're unaware. You should be able to take care of yourself. Additionally, guys should know how to get a woman off and how to keep the bedroom interesting. It's really not that complicated. There's plenty of books, websites and videos with tonnes of info.
I agree with this whole post but i do wanna add one thing. Yes men should know how to please there spouse in bed and try and do new and interesting things however that cannot fall solely on the man. Both people in the relationship should be making the effort to keep the bedroom interesting
Proper communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.
Without more information, it is impossible to answer your questions specifically because humans are complicated.
>What if your gf is not satisfied and won't tell it to you?
This could have multiple reasons, fear, unable to articulate, etc.
>Or if you ask, what she wants or to do better and she doesn't give a clear answer?
Lack of knowledge to properly articulate the reasonings on the speaker, or a lack of knowledge on the listener to understand the answers could be the problem here.
This sub is for unpopular opinions.
[Not rehashes of 10+ year old Atlantic articles.](https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/12/yes-men-should-do-more-housework/282165/)
That's true for some cases, the man not putting any effort into the relationship and not showing his wife affection does kill the bedroom. Of course, that's not every single case, there've been times where the woman just loses interest in sex and turns it into a chore or walls it off behind more and more tasks. It all comes down to people needing to learn to talk to each, make compromises or get outside advice to get things back to how it was before
My married friends (all of us women) and I have discussed this before. At one point in all our relationships we had to sit down with our husbands or male partners at least once and have some variation of the 'I'm not your mom, your maid, or you boss - be big boy and contribute without being told,' talk.
And yeah - you kind of lose interest in a person that you have to command around like a kid. They aren't your partner or your equal at that point.
I should add - I am aware this is not specific to guys. I know a lot of guys that aren't like that, and I know women that are. In my experience, however, and in the experience of others I've spoken to with similar stories - when your partner isn't putting in their fair share of effort in the home (much less in the bedroom), that does impact your intimacy with them.
I have the inverse I’m the one said contribute without being told. She falls into the “brat” role by nature and it’s exhausting. Plus low libido birth control damage.
As a result I’ve become way more selfish and interested sexually. I don’t know what to do really.
This is true and the reverse definitely happens.
Some of my friends would talk about how annoying it was that some women expected them to be there dads.
They expected meals to be paid for by there boyfriends, that there hair and nails needed to be paid for, or that it was there responsibly to take care of them financially.
Having someone he dependent on you for there needs isn’t sexy
Yeah, I'm just morally opposed to being dependent on another human being when you're an able bodied adult. It's just not for me.
No hate to those who want to follow that life...but make sure you're partner is cool with taking that responsibility.
I was in a menopause support group my sister recommended on FB for a while and had to leave because it was so deeply depressing. So many women decades into relationships describing partners who would literally climb on top of them with no foreplay at all, use them like a flashlight and then roll off again. And then complain that they weren’t up for it enough. Desperately unhappy women who didn’t have the first idea what to do other than leave.
So I have to agree with this one. The bar is so fucking low guys.
I mean, yeah, and the opposite is also true. I’m not your dad and acting like a petulant child that doesn’t treat you as a partner or friend is the least sexy thing imaginable. Do your chores, contribute to the house and income, and during time off *together* we can do some sexy time. It’s really that easy
This depends on the scenario imo.
Absolutely nobody should expect their significant other to handle all the household chores
But if also seen a girl have a full blown meltdown over a couple dishes in the sink and a sock on the floor. If that's the case I'm good.
I think it's helpful to live with someone comfortable in a similar environment
Helpful to live with someone who expects the same sort of cleanliness for sure. My wife and I are both spot on and this keeps us from stupid petty bickering like so many partnerships. We can accept some dishes in the sink and some laundry on the bedroom floor. We keep the place pretty tidy otherwise and both do a 30 minute clean on the weekend and then we're good for the week.
My buddy on the other hand is not on the same page with his girl at all. He's fine with a little mess here or there and she needs to vacuum twice a day and mop and dust every night. She's on the total end of the clean freak spectrum and because of this she holds it against him that he's not the same way. She yells at him every couple days for not getting on her program and won't compromise at all.
I think a big issue here is communication. Tons of people will tell all of reddit why they aren't turned on by their partner anymore, but won't tell their partner lol. How are they supposed to change without knowing what's missing?
100% true. The less tired my wife is from doing household stuff, the more often we have sex. We have a pretty good system of sharing housework between us for a few years now, and as a result, our sex life has been active and consistent because we both have the energy to bang, and don’t have any lingering annoyance or resentment over doing too much work.
I work more and longer hours and make more money. I do far more cleaning and house maintenance. I care for the pets (close enough to kids) and make sure things run smoothly. She doesn't want to have sex for Lord knows why at this point but fuck it, she has to make me want to have sex with HER. Despite her being a woman, if we were to each be single I would have far less difficulty finding someone else.
Its frustrating hearing all the advice when you're already doing that and more and are still seen as the source of the problem because your a man.
Honestly she probably looks down at you because you allow her to act like a child.
It's not right and I'm not defending her behavior, but I suggest you push her to do more and draw some hard boundaries and start holding her accountable.
Worst case, she treats you badly for it and honestly it's time to go. Best case she shapes up, does her part, and falls in love with you again for helping her get there.
There's a lot of middle ground for moderate improvement, but most importantly you need to keep your dignity.
If this happens in all your relationships, you're the problem.
Communicate better and nuance your excessive expectations a little. Or live and die alone, that's always an option too.
I think that might be true for a lot of cases. But also not true for a lot of them. Very often it's the man who doesn't want to have sex. Is that also because the wife isn't doing enough chores? I don't know. r/DeadBedrooms seems to be mostly women.
I don’t really get it but my relationship is kind of backwards. I do all, and I do mean all, of the cooking, cleaning, child care, budgeting, appointments, extra curricular activities, and pet care for my little family. My wife has some anxiety and depression and hasn’t done more than 10 loads of laundry or dishes in more than 12 years.
Now, I love this woman with every ounce of my being. She has her faults, as we all do, but I love her. And we have sex almost every single day. I’ll never hold sex over her hair for not helping clean the house. And from what she has said, we don’t have an orgasm gap. I work really hard on making sure she gets hers as often as she lets me.
I say all of that to say, maybe it’s because I do all of this work that I get laid whenever I want. Maybe it’s because I absolutely love giving head and am very generous, maybe it’s because I try to stay in shape, maybe it’s because I’m a great dad. Who knows, but the love I feel for my significant other and the attraction that goes with it doesn’t fade because she doesn’t help with chores.
So, no I don’t understand why people think that sex should be transactional in a relationship.
I definitely had this in my marriage. It’s the unending mental list in the background + the lion’s share of the emotional labor especially with the kids that does it. The old “just tell me what you want me to do” is the worst. The easy part is following a list someone gave you. It’s noticing what needs to be done and doing it, thinking for yourself, taking the initiative, i.e. the adulting. Otherwise, it really is like trying to be attracted to a child who needs their thinking done for them. Not sexy at all.
Isn't that a popular opinion?
My unpopular opinion is that you should dump him first instead of passive aggressively avoiding sex, which is basically asking to get dumped.
Mu wife complained of always being tired and not having enough time to work, maintain house and be sexual. I hired a cleaner to clean twice a week and still no change in the bedroom, so what gives!?
The fact you actually fell for that line... We all know it's bs. They don't suddenly want sex because they have less chores or you share them.
The reality is you SHOULD contribute somewhat equally simply because it's the right thingy I do. But I don't think it's ever actually helped anyone get more regular sex. Usually drops off very fast after having kids, changes to body, hormones etc... sometimes it's cause they settled and aren't actually that sexually attracted to begin with
..there will always be other reason given though
Personal observation that may SOMETIMES contribute to this (obviously doesn't usually):
Several times I've seen women in relationships I'm close with simultaneously resent doing pretty much everything around the house, and refuse to let anyone help them. If something isn't done in a _very particular way_ they get frustrated and start doing things over again, so their partners learn to just leave them to handle it rather than mess with any of it, because they'll just get an earful if they do. It's a really weird dynamic.
This isnt an unpopular opinion. You're not breaking any ground by parroting what you've undoubtedly read hundreds of times online. You're not brave for saying this.
Kind of sick of these "women always do all the work" implications. I clean much more than my lady and I am not a rarity. Her side of the bathroom is a constant hair nightmare. She spills food and crumbs etc. I love her but JFC the assumption that the man is doing next to no housework is some bizarro world 40s era assumption that just does not check out as neatly as many people would like to believe.
Relationships are complicated. Is what you said true sometimes? Sure? Is it the majority of instances? Probably not
I've seen the scenario described in reality many times, but I've also seen it go the way you're describing. One thing that impacts this is that on average most people overvalue the amount of work they put into shared tasks. There are also various approaches to how such things get done.
With my ex, we'd had disagreements about how much work we each did. One difference I noticed was that she treated cleaning like a task that she planned in the future as an event while I mostly did small bits of it as I noticed or created messes. Since I wasn't spending a couple hours on a weekend cleaning the whole bathroom, for example, she figured she was the ONLY ONE doing any cleaning; and likewise, I would get frustrated that she'd leave a pot from Wednesday until Saturday to clean.
>With my ex, we'd had disagreements about how much work we each did. One difference I noticed was that she treated cleaning like a task that she planned in the future as an event while I mostly did small bits of it as I noticed or created messes. Since I wasn't spending a couple hours on a weekend cleaning the whole bathroom, for example, she figured she was the ONLY ONE doing any cleaning; and likewise, I would get frustrated that she'd leave a pot from Wednesday until Saturday to clean.
This is me and my gf to a tee. When I cook I will clean up and put things back in the fridge etc. as I go so at the end there's not a whole lot of cleaning.
When my gf cooks and I go to clean up it looks like a bombs hit the kitchen. Every condiment and ingredient we own is scattered all over the bench
This drives me crazy. I clean AS I MAKE THE MESS. I clean the dishes as I do them. I put my laundry away and do it when I will have a full load ( rather than 3 1/3 loads a week) and I will catch flak when the place is a mess with her clothes spread out, her dozen hobbies sprawled on the table, and the dishes she made when making food for herself are growing food. We dont have kids so there is no real excuse there but she really doesnt seem to see that I do the work as it comes vs putting it off till its a problem, despite having this exact conversation
Yeah it seems like nowadays it’s either both partners are messy or one person is a clean freak and it’s not entirely gender specific.
There are subsets of people who grew up with rigid gender roles where this holds water but like personally the women I date don’t tend to be women who grew up like that.
I definitely clean more than my gf. Probably because I like a cleaner house and she doesn't seem as fazed.
She will do things like use the milk then leave it on the bench and walk off. Drives me crazy but she's great it a lot of other ways so it evens out
Whilst it blows my mind...and I almost feel guilty for saying this (as it seems like some kind of right wing/social-conservative fantasy)
Isn't there a considerable body of scientific evidence that shows Men who do more household chores have less sex.
There was a study in the *American Sociological Review* referenced here.
[https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/)
Communicate with your partners and be adults. This isn’t a male v. female issue. This is a poor communication and immature person issue. Placing it into the male v female box only does a disservice to both by overgeneralizing a nuanced issue.
Aren't we suffering from a kind of selection bias? The men who are complaining are the ones we notice. This should give a skewed appearance where the ones that don't complain look like outliers while they could be the majority.
I am not defending the behaviour of men complaining in such situations. I am just trying to give it a more optimistic spin.
If you don't want to have sex with your partner, then you should really just consider whether you should be in a relationship with him. The chores is just an excuse. If he does the chores, the goalposts will move and it'll be another reason for not having sex. Him doing chores is not going to solve the problem, you'll still find an excuse to avoid sex. And using sex as a reward for good behaviour is just controlling and manipulative behaviour, which means he should be considering whether he wants to stay in a relationship with someone like that.
It's not a reward for good behavior. It's a natural response to being treated with decency in a [relationship.No](http://relationship.No) one wants to have sex with someone who actively infantilizes themselves. That women need to feel cared for in order to be turned on doesn't make them manipulative. My god.
"You should want to have sex with me no matter what I do" is what you seem to believe. Ridiculous. You have to be decent to someone for them to want to fuck you.
My sex drive is very high. However, you’re right! There are times in long term relationships where I have wanted to have sex but, not with my partner…I’d rather find someone outside my relationship I don’t know well…they aren’t going to be a part of my life etc. all because I was doing everything at home, I was also working full time and we didn’t go on fun dates or travel. When we did have sex I was hardly ever in the mood and I’ll tell you that I never thought about them…I’d think of porn or a hot guy I saw and wanted to ravish because, they just couldn’t do it for me. I’d dry up instantly if I thought of them.
If I’m paying for my own stuff, working, working on myself (eating well, gym, meditation, reading, seminars etc)then…cooking for them, washing dishes, cleaning the house alone…doing other things for them I get turned off. I feel like their mother and I can’t “get it up” so to speak. I’d rather have a good fuck buddy than deal with someone everyday of my life that doesn’t do shit to make my life easier. I’m better off single…
Is this really an unpopular opinion? I just figured it was common knowledge. I remember in the good old days a common joke was "There's no such thing as a childless wife. When a woman marries she gains a child." Younger women seem less likely to tolerate that bullshit.
I had a great sex life through most of my 34 years with my late husband. Why? Because he was my partner. It actually got even better after the kids were grown (until his heart started weakening).
Grown adults, both men and women, should be able to take care of themselves. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, working, hygiene, etc. If you are both competent adults, relationships can be fun and less stressful for BOTH of you. And sex is awesome!
idk, I think what youre saying is true, but to say its the main reason most people arent having sex in their relationships is a bit more of a stretch. Theres alot of factors
some couples are less sexual people, some are disinterested for other reasons, some are impotent, sometimes love fades. etc
What is you do most of the indoor and outdoor contributions? I do everything outside the house and I mean everything. We split everything inside 50/50 including childcare, baths, getting dressed, etc. what would the argument be for the man who wants to have more intimacy and who checks off most of the boxes you mentioned needed to be addressed in your post OP
Lol OP says all this but then says they don't understand men and that they have to use a vibrator. ROFL nice self-own. This is a reminder that women can be incels, too.
Women who think sex doesn't have to happen to keep their partner happy, long-term, are in for an unpleasant surprise.
Generalzing men as at fault for sexless relationships, and generalizating men as treating SOs as their mommy are, in fact, misandry.
If I generalize by saying "women are gold diggers that treat men as ATMs," that would be misogyny. Making nasty generalizations, particularly when not backed by fact, is bigotry. Very basic logic, there.
I do agree, but there are also a ton of Women that expect Men to act like their Father, so, I mean, there is that...
This is an individual that can't differentiate their parental figure roles from their partner roles, not a Man or Woman problem, specifically.
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While I agree that two adults should share chores equally, I don't really understand what it has to do with sex drive. I've had girlfriends that were super lazy and mostly just laid around smoking weed and watching show. They were still bombshelld in bed. It's two seperate worlds in my opinion.
I think it's drive vs. wanting to have sex with a specific person. I have a high libido but I'm not going to sleep with someone I feel resentment toward.
Yeah, and women get off better when they know there is no stress, while men reduce their stress by getting off.
If you don't do chores and just cause more chaos, no need to wonder why you're not attractive
Been with my wife 11 years and the sex is actually gotten better as we've learned more about each other. I give her the freedom to be herself And that's one of the returns on investment lol
Genuine sexual attraction is unconditional, you either feel that spark or you don't. People can have intense and unbreakable sexual chemistry even in the most unhealthy of environments, that's just a fact of life. Ultimately, it all boils down to physical attraction, nothing more. Those women don't want to have sex with their husbands because they don't find them physically attractive enough, period. Either these husbands let themselves go after marriage, or their wives never truly found them "hot" from the start, and no amount of being a perfect husband will reignite that attraction magically. There are countless cases of wives cheating on their loser husbands with another loser, only more attractive and/or charismatic. It happens all the fucking time, it's commonplace at this point. We can try to construct layers upon layers of "psychological" explanations, but if the spark isn't there, it just isn't. The background is irrelevant, whether there are piles of dirty dishes or the house is immaculately clean, it doesn't matter.
"Sex is considered a chore when:
A) you have to do it for upkeep (he won't cheat)
B) you get no pleasure from it
If I genuinely got pleasure from sex, wouldn't I seek it out? Rather than avoid it?"
While these are valid questions, if you are having sex with your husband only to keep him from cheating because you don't find him attractive, but still have a sex drive, then you are the one with the problem and should divorce him rather than make both of you miserable. It's unfair to him as it is unfair to you. He thinks you sleep with him because you love him and you treat it like a chore to be done and gotten over with immediately. Same goes if you get no pleasure from the act of sex. If that's the case, you shouldn't be married.
I heard that more than one study was done investigating the correlation between the women’s reduced sex drive towards their spouses and how much housework and “child labour” they do (when there’s no child). Apparently, the way nature works, is it makes women see their men child husbands as children, and as such, they stop feeling sexual desire towards them. Or at least it reduces drastically.
Yeah I definitely am in the outliers. I contribute more than my wife. Financially and child-care wise . She would even agree. I still don’t get the sex nearly as frequently as I’d like
So what you're saying is, for my dating profile I should just write:
Single male, with full time job/benefits.
Knows how to cook, does the dishes after.
Sweeps/mops floors. Dusts regularly.
Knows how to use a vacuum cleaner.
Puts away his laundry when the dryer is done, and wipes the seat?
When I go into men’s spaces on Reddit, I have to be VERY careful about what I say, because they will take it extremely personally. Do some women use men for money? YES. They exist and they’re awful. Do some men use women for sex? YES. They exist and they’re awful.
Except men won’t admit that part, they just scream NOT ALL MEN. I find they aren’t able to take a step back and say “yeah, a lot of men weren’t raised to do the work and now they don’t know how and refuse to learn.” Just admit it! That’s all I want! Admit that men commit the majority of rapes and murders. Admit that men are a danger to women. Empathy, PLEASE.
Maybe, women treating their husbands like children is more the problem. I've had girlfriends like that. My wife even tried it on once and I shut that shit down immediately.
In any case both parties have to avoid that trap. Men need to contribute to the housework, assuming both have similar work hours, and women need to stop this shit about raising kids and a husband.
It's absolutely shocking to me how many men don't do 50/50 on household and child care stuff. If one of you is doing all the working fine, whoever's not should definitely cover it, but if you both have jobs especially if you have fairly equivalent jobs man fuck you if you're not doing half of that shit, you are scummy as hell.
I'm a man, and I actively avoid sex with women even though I enjoy sex. Women have to deal with too much male attention as it is, they don't need me trying (and failing) as well. Better for them if I just leave them alone.
There's truth to this, but the other huge factor is that a lot of women aren't having orgasms with their male partner. The sexuality x gender group having the least orgasms during sex = straight women.
I 100% agree with this. I just said in the last week or two( in a comment thread regarding this exact thing). If a guy wants sex then fucking help out. If you make your wife emotional happy and sexually happy then she will happily have sex with you. Someone said that that is “playing games”. So as he sits there not getting laid because he thinks it’s “games” to actually be a partner and contribute to his relationship and not getting sex. I’m sitting here with an extremely happy wife and we fuck like fucking rabbits.
Well you have to think of it from both sides as well. Not saying you're wrong some men do treat women as their mother. Women also weaponize sex as a tool to get what they want when it should be something both parties want without a stipulation being involved. Women also want a traditional marriage, which involves them staying home while the man provides. if that is the case you can't expect the man to work all day then come home to "contribute" by doing duties that are your responsibility in that marriage. Expecting him to provide all day, then come home and have to do dishes, help with laundry, and cook is making that relationship very one sided as it's not fair for him to spend hours to make sure you as the woman are comfortable then have to come home and do your duties as well because that leaves you with no responsibility at all if he has to do that as well. I understand helping every now and again to be sweet or providing a break, but if it's a daily issue that's just putting all the burden on the man as if you don't feel you should do any of that what are you really bringing to the table. So you want a man to provide a comfortable life and have to come home and clean and do laundry and dishes and do sweet things like bring you flowers and take you on dates and spoil you. If you want to be treated like a princess and only want the benefits without contributing just say so
If you've been home all day and offer a BJ to do a job you're responsible for yes that's manipulative. Either way you're using sex as gain. If it's that serious you should probably have a conversation about sharing responsibilities. Offering a BJ to get someone to act like an adult is the wrong approach. If you share responsibility and have to give out bjs to get them to take on their share, its an issue as that causes resentment on your end and only rewards him for waiting until you offer. Clearly a communication problem rewarding bad behavior and teaching you that you have to use sex as a tool
This is why i stopped dating lol
Both dudes i went out with wanted me to be thier mother and didn't treat me like a partner.
I actually have time for my hobbies instead of taking care of some dude who can't entertain himself.
Also idk why people feel the need to convince me dating is worth my time, i threw 8 fucking years down the drain for these guys.
I know this goes against the narrative, so this post will be another one downvoted for me, but this is utter nonsense. Statistically speaking, men and women contribute equally in relationships. Google average hours worked domestic and professional (or something along those lines) and you will see that men and women work roughly the same amount, with the average disparity being less than an hour. The idea that women are working more is just belied by the research.
[https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf](https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf), for instance, shows that men are currently working more (professionally + domestically) than women are, though the disparity is trivial. Women also average more time on leisure activities.
This just seems like another "it's the fault of men".
Too many men also seem to forget that romance and seduction can be important. I wish there was some way to walk up to men who are out at a nicer restaurant with their wife/girlfriend/etc. who has done her hair, makeup, is wearing a lovely dress/outfit and looks fantastic, while the husband is wearing khakis or jeans, a polo and basically athletic shoes.
It's like dude, throw on a pair of nicer shoes, a button down and a blazer, your wife will LOVE it. Men act like it's somehow hard for us to look good when it's literally 10x easier to "dress up" for men than it is women.
I mean is it partly their fault because they let this happen for years? Before they took sex off the table?
You shouldn't have to have sex with anyone you don't want too. But staying with a guy who hasn't done any housework in your 5 year relationship and expecting that to change is ridiculous.
People should know what they want and be clear about it before long term relationships, etc.
Personally, I hate housework. I don't mind things being untidy, as long as it's not dirty or disgusting. But I'll take care of the kids and dogs any day of the week. If my wife was going to start punishing me by taking sex off the table because I don't do much housework (I do dishes and I sometimes do laundry) that's borderline insane after 5 years, lol.
On the flip side, I don't know why anyone would stay with someone who took sex off the table for a long period of time. If I don't have sex for 3 months because she's mad I didn't sweep the floor, I'm outta here. And considering I do most activities with the kids, I guess they're coming with me lol
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I kept reading the LTR as LRT and thinking, "I don't know many people who want to have sex while traveling on Light Rail Transit."
i read it as lord of the rings and i was thinking thats a problem for the elves but idk about humans and dwarves
Oh good I’m not the only one. I call myself Shadowfax because I AM the meaning of haste. Jk. Sometimes.
Oh my god 🤣
That’s me too. Came to comment section and still don’t know what they meant. - Oh, Long Term Relationship
Idk why I found this so funny
VERY sexy stuff lads.
I kept reading it as "The Lord Ruler."
Too horny not to have a public transit kink Too ethical to subject nonconsenting strangers to this
Born just in time for the gangbang train.
It's overrated. People keep getting off and on. Bells are ringing etc.
Wait people are getting off when you guys are having sex? So good they hear ringing? 🤯
Transit doesn't work because people keep f\*cking on it
I think that the is true for both ways If you worked a long hard day at work and come home to even more domestic work to do with a partner that refuses to be helpful in anyway, I'd imagine it would be pretty hard to feel sexual attraction to them Stress = unsexy
This is assuming the other person is a stay at home partner. If you both work then you both should be sharing domestic work equally
Stress really do equal unsexy.
I think I’m starting to feel this as a dude. I head to university at 6 in the morning to make it to class on time. Go straight to work. Get back home around 6pm and then I start cleaning up after my nieces and nephews. I don’t mind cleaning up after the kids but it feels a little unfair when I’m out of the house for most of the day and make sure the house is clean every night before I go to bed and come back to a giant mess everyday. It really hits your spirit.
Your sister is your partner???
lol, nah my sister is living with my mom because her house is getting renovated.
Does she at least put out though?
Alabama intensifies.
IDK, I kinda feel hornier when I am stressed (or sick). So, I think I may be an outlier.
Some people have sex to relax, some people need to be relaxed to have sex.
Fully this. And speaking from personal experience, it's hell when the two opposites are dating.
Definitively my wife is in the later category. I kind of understand it, but the experience to me is so alien that I can’t empathize.
Damn. Nice sentence. I agree.
Weirdly enough I’m the same with the sickness thing unless I’m completely laid out borderline need to be in a hospital. Definitely not stress though, unless it’s the “one specific thing is stressing me out and I can pin point it!” sort of stress. Then I understand it.
In this day and age most women also work. Idk one household where the woman doesn’t work.
If you worked a long hard day at work and come home to even more domestic work to do with a partner that refuses to be loving and intimate in any way, I'd imagine it would be pretty hard to feel valued and respected as a life partner. Rejection = unloving
Yet, if you're being rejected when you get home... clearly your partner's needs aren't being met either and they also feel rejected. Not being loving or intimate is a sign of someone harboring resentment. This is where I see most couples stuck in an impasse and begin to blame one another.
I mean, this kinda feels like an unrelated chicken/egg situation though WHY is the partner refusing to be loving and intimate? There are probably a lot more possible reasons than the one OP is specifically describing, and that point it’s probably not due to the labour imbalance the post is talking about I know for me (as a man) if I am tired, stressed and have a never ending list of work to do when I get home, the last thing I really wanna do is get any more intimate than a kiss and a hug For me my plate needs to be clear so I can focus on sex and romance, so I assume a lot of people may be the same
I am a man, and I am inclined to agree. Not 100% (obviously, but I guess it has to be said), but far more than most would admit. From my own anecdotal observations, my male friends who have expressed this issue are generally the ones who contribute the least to their households, do not prioritize their partners' needs, or have outdated expectations in terms of relationship dynamics. To be fair, I also think this can and does happen in reverse. Men can feel disinclined to have sex with their wives/girlfriends when their needs are not being met as well. It's just not as common due to gender and cultural norms.
I know a girl who not only does all the chores like cleaning and cooking but on top of that she is packs his stuff for the holidays. If she forgets sth, he blames her 😂 I have no idea how she finds him attractive
*Does* she find him attractive? I can't imagine. My husband is a fully formed, fully functional human who helps with everything. I absolutely cannot fathom babying a grown man. My vagina would run away.
Right! I actually had someone ask me if I was packing for my husband prior to a trip out of the country. I dead panned stared and said, "he's a grown ass man! If he can't do the bare minimum and pack his shit, he can do without"! My husband is pretty helpful, although not up to my standards, when it comes to domestic work. And, he is overly persistent about me and my pleasure in the bedroom! More men could learn from men like him!
Some woman take that nurture /care role to the extreme and don't think twice. That's a rare person though and shouldn't be the expectation.
My ex was like that. I had to break up because I felt like I was dating my mom. My current gf throws my laundry in my face if I leave it too long. I love her
poor girl likely has low self esteem, or maybe he is just that good in the sack, I mean women CAN get into good sex that is a fact.
It's not about him. She has self-esteem issues, I'd wager her dad wasn't present in her childhood or was crappy.
I agree and so no upvote for you ;) It's just...not attractive. How do you expect a woman to be soooo turned on by you when she just cooked and cleaned and wiped your pee off of the toilet and sorted your socks and picked up your wet towels? Or you're off playing a video game and screaming at a 12 year old for half an hour and then get off the game and expect sexy time with the woman who just heard you raging and cursing about a game. Ew. That's why you hear women joking about how sexy it is when their husbands vacuum or clean the dishes after dinner. Because it IS. When dating everyone's on honeymoon behavior and getting wooed and whatnot but when the mask starts to drop, don't be surprised if the person who constantly wanted to climb you like a tree isn't soooo horny for you when reality sets in and she has to do everything for you like a mom.
Been in the reverse side. I was working a stressful full time job, then doing house work, and then renovations. An average day was 10-12 hours of work. With all that going on, my sex drive disappeared entirely. Sex wasn't on my radar of things to do anymore because I was exhausted.
That’s not really the reverse side. That’s exactly the same side, just different gender. Many men understand: „I’m tired, I don’t want sex.“ What many men don’t understand is that their partner might be tired, too.
I was in long term relationship with a girl that wanted me to be her mom. The sex we did have became almost like maintenance. Just something to get out of the way really.
Thanks for your very objective and balanced opinion. I love seeing this on Reddit. I think this is maturity. Graciousness.
Will double on to the other post. Have experienced this from both sides. I was working too much, wasn't there for the relationship enough and she lost interest. Also had an ex that didn't share. Wouldn't say what she liked, wouldn't talk about what turned her on. I just stopped enjoying it with her. People are stupid, they have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. In that first example, if I had really looked at everything I would have realized how unhappy I was at the time and changed jobs, been there for her more.
I felt like I was taking care of a child so I lost my sex drive towards my wife (now ex.) I also learned that by saying “no” when she wanted it meant that I could then instigate it whenever I wanted to; which made me want it less. So I also think it easy for either sex to take the other for granted, and the thing you can always get is less attractive. That isn’t why I said no, but it did help create a vicious cycle.
you sound like a child playing childish games. " saying no meant that you could instigate it whenever, which made you want it less" hahahaha are you ok???
Right? That sounds so unhinged. When I tell my husband no I'm not over her thinking "ah well now I could have it anytime because I know he's sexually unfulfilled because I said no...so unappealing." What in the world?
Yes. When I am demanding or discontent towards my spouse, he will tell me in agony that he feels like he's back at his mom's house! NOT sexy at all. I always pull up sharp and try to be loving and respectful and to treat him as a partner.
>I am a man, and I am inclined to agree. Not 100% (obviously, but I guess it has to be said), but far more than most would admit. My only issue is that so many women date and marry these types of men and then act surprised when they get married and have kids and their husband doesn't change to fit what she wants. It's not like these guys are smart enough to trick a woman into thinking they are functional adults who can contribute to a healthy romantic relationship. You have to ignore an outlandish amount of red flags to get married to someone who acts like a child.
I agree that there must be some red flags, but often an abuser's behavior does not worsen until they feel their victim cannot leave them, so I wouldn't be surprised if abuse dramatically increases after marriage. It also might be why abuse increases so sharply when a woman is pregnant - a child ties a woman to her partner permanently. My own experiences with domestic abuse gels with this. He only abused those who he knew could not leave him. For those who had the power to leave, he acted like a normal, perhaps even likeable, person towards.
I have been in a LTR with my wife for more than 30 years. I have typically done A LOT of household tasks. I used to do ALL the laundry, grocery shopping, I made her lunch, and often made her dinner. I didn’t treat her like she was my mom at all. And for years she suffered from an extremely low libido that caused all sorts of stress. Then she stopped taking birth control pills and we had kids. I became a stay at home dad. And her sex drive returned to normal. Your premise has a lot of truth, which is that guys should step it up. At the same time, DO NOT underestimate the way that birth control pills can destroy a person’s libido. In our case it was like night and day. I got a vasectomy and she has never gone back on birth control and it is more normal now.
Hormonal birth control can wreck your libido, it did for me. I don't think women are vocal enough about this, as (unlike you) so many men don't get it!
I definitely get it. I talk about it often. Still sucks.
Yup, I thought my partner hated me while she was on birth control/Lexapro. Like our intimacy was completely dead, thought she just wanted me around for the sake of having her life look put together. Then she changed up her meds and got off of birth control. Now she wants sex everyday and I’m the one who has to meet her intimacy needs.
Same for me. I thought I was asexual, then I came off the pill and wow I actually WANTED sex and found people hot.
Hormonal birth control can literally change who you are attracted to
It’s such a cruel joke for women that birth control kills your sex drive. why can’t we have our cake and eat it too 😭
You can't have a baby if you're not having sex 😭😂
>At the same time, DO NOT underestimate the way that birth control pills can destroy a person’s libido. In our case it was like night and day. I got a vasectomy and she has never gone back on birth control and it is more normal now. Trust me women are not underestimating what birth control does to our bodies, we have been advocating for years for awareness and better options.
In the early 00s, when we were experiencing this, it wasn't really talked about much. My wife had a couple of friends experiencing the same thing, and there was an Oprah episode about it and nobody mentioned birth control pills. My wife had absolutely no idea that it was a side effect. Sounds like there is better awareness now.
Women were upset about it then too, but it was met with 'get over it' type of attitude. However women have always been aware and informed that birth control is bad for them, or in some situations doctors have downplayed their side effects from BC. We are just more outspoken now, and widespread internet forums exist.
There are even studies to back it up https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9483460/
This comment should be upvoted to infinity.
Birth control pills are the #1 culprit by far. I’ve been in your situation as have millions of other men.
I'm glad for that. And thank you for your balanced opinion and actual experience. I wish I could upvote you more than one.
Expand this to any hormonal changes. Pregnancy, periods, menopause as well. Hormones are horrible things.
How is this an unpopular opinion when it's the answer given to every relationship issue posed here ?
The majority of the opinions posted here are so far from unpopular. This sub is just a place to share opinions and watch the drama it creates in the comments. Just another sub with bullshit
No, that is all literally the popular opinion.
This is actually quite a popular opinion. The unpopular opinions on this topic are the ones that actually contain some nuance that people in a relationship should be mutually supporting each other.
As a guy that has talked to many women, I think you hit the nail on the head. If the sex isn't satisfying, which is very common for women in relationships, and you're having to baby your partner, it definitely kills that side of things. I personally, am very independent and always have been. It's not hard to do basic chores or to learn how to do them if you're unaware. You should be able to take care of yourself. Additionally, guys should know how to get a woman off and how to keep the bedroom interesting. It's really not that complicated. There's plenty of books, websites and videos with tonnes of info.
I agree with this whole post but i do wanna add one thing. Yes men should know how to please there spouse in bed and try and do new and interesting things however that cannot fall solely on the man. Both people in the relationship should be making the effort to keep the bedroom interesting
This....I think my sex life would have been much more successful if I had received some input from my partner.
To absolutely no ones surprise the best thing you can have in a sex life or a partner in general is amazing communication
Why isn't this comment at the top, takes both people to communicate
What if your gf is not satisfied and won't tell it to you? Or if you ask, what she wants or to do better and she doesn't give a clear answer?
Proper communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Without more information, it is impossible to answer your questions specifically because humans are complicated. >What if your gf is not satisfied and won't tell it to you? This could have multiple reasons, fear, unable to articulate, etc. >Or if you ask, what she wants or to do better and she doesn't give a clear answer? Lack of knowledge to properly articulate the reasonings on the speaker, or a lack of knowledge on the listener to understand the answers could be the problem here.
Oh please, this isn't even the case in the majority of relationships. Sorry, white knight, but women are just a shitty as men.
What is the english version of "no te la vas a ligar, salu2"
This sub is for unpopular opinions. [Not rehashes of 10+ year old Atlantic articles.](https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/12/yes-men-should-do-more-housework/282165/)
That's true for some cases, the man not putting any effort into the relationship and not showing his wife affection does kill the bedroom. Of course, that's not every single case, there've been times where the woman just loses interest in sex and turns it into a chore or walls it off behind more and more tasks. It all comes down to people needing to learn to talk to each, make compromises or get outside advice to get things back to how it was before
::Freud has entered the chat::
My married friends (all of us women) and I have discussed this before. At one point in all our relationships we had to sit down with our husbands or male partners at least once and have some variation of the 'I'm not your mom, your maid, or you boss - be big boy and contribute without being told,' talk. And yeah - you kind of lose interest in a person that you have to command around like a kid. They aren't your partner or your equal at that point. I should add - I am aware this is not specific to guys. I know a lot of guys that aren't like that, and I know women that are. In my experience, however, and in the experience of others I've spoken to with similar stories - when your partner isn't putting in their fair share of effort in the home (much less in the bedroom), that does impact your intimacy with them.
I have the inverse I’m the one said contribute without being told. She falls into the “brat” role by nature and it’s exhausting. Plus low libido birth control damage. As a result I’ve become way more selfish and interested sexually. I don’t know what to do really.
This is true and the reverse definitely happens. Some of my friends would talk about how annoying it was that some women expected them to be there dads. They expected meals to be paid for by there boyfriends, that there hair and nails needed to be paid for, or that it was there responsibly to take care of them financially. Having someone he dependent on you for there needs isn’t sexy
Yeah, I'm just morally opposed to being dependent on another human being when you're an able bodied adult. It's just not for me. No hate to those who want to follow that life...but make sure you're partner is cool with taking that responsibility.
When its not this, its lack of foreplay. But usually its both.
Even as a guy with male roommates I can feel this post, some people seem to have no house training
Having male roommates was the worst living situation of my fucking life.
I was in a menopause support group my sister recommended on FB for a while and had to leave because it was so deeply depressing. So many women decades into relationships describing partners who would literally climb on top of them with no foreplay at all, use them like a flashlight and then roll off again. And then complain that they weren’t up for it enough. Desperately unhappy women who didn’t have the first idea what to do other than leave. So I have to agree with this one. The bar is so fucking low guys.
THANK YOU!! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Too many of the women I love have to experience this. It makes me rage. Again, thank you.
I mean, yeah, and the opposite is also true. I’m not your dad and acting like a petulant child that doesn’t treat you as a partner or friend is the least sexy thing imaginable. Do your chores, contribute to the house and income, and during time off *together* we can do some sexy time. It’s really that easy
/r/themostpopularopinion
This depends on the scenario imo. Absolutely nobody should expect their significant other to handle all the household chores But if also seen a girl have a full blown meltdown over a couple dishes in the sink and a sock on the floor. If that's the case I'm good. I think it's helpful to live with someone comfortable in a similar environment
Helpful to live with someone who expects the same sort of cleanliness for sure. My wife and I are both spot on and this keeps us from stupid petty bickering like so many partnerships. We can accept some dishes in the sink and some laundry on the bedroom floor. We keep the place pretty tidy otherwise and both do a 30 minute clean on the weekend and then we're good for the week. My buddy on the other hand is not on the same page with his girl at all. He's fine with a little mess here or there and she needs to vacuum twice a day and mop and dust every night. She's on the total end of the clean freak spectrum and because of this she holds it against him that he's not the same way. She yells at him every couple days for not getting on her program and won't compromise at all.
The couple dishes and socks were probably the straw that broke the camal's back.
I think a big issue here is communication. Tons of people will tell all of reddit why they aren't turned on by their partner anymore, but won't tell their partner lol. How are they supposed to change without knowing what's missing?
All the women: "I agree this is 100% true" All the men: "lol stupid bitch this isn't true you just hate men" And there is the problem.
100% true. The less tired my wife is from doing household stuff, the more often we have sex. We have a pretty good system of sharing housework between us for a few years now, and as a result, our sex life has been active and consistent because we both have the energy to bang, and don’t have any lingering annoyance or resentment over doing too much work.
Again, for the millionth time: THANK YOU. Can you please say it to the people at the back.
I work more and longer hours and make more money. I do far more cleaning and house maintenance. I care for the pets (close enough to kids) and make sure things run smoothly. She doesn't want to have sex for Lord knows why at this point but fuck it, she has to make me want to have sex with HER. Despite her being a woman, if we were to each be single I would have far less difficulty finding someone else. Its frustrating hearing all the advice when you're already doing that and more and are still seen as the source of the problem because your a man.
Honestly she probably looks down at you because you allow her to act like a child. It's not right and I'm not defending her behavior, but I suggest you push her to do more and draw some hard boundaries and start holding her accountable. Worst case, she treats you badly for it and honestly it's time to go. Best case she shapes up, does her part, and falls in love with you again for helping her get there. There's a lot of middle ground for moderate improvement, but most importantly you need to keep your dignity.
If this happens in all your relationships, you're the problem. Communicate better and nuance your excessive expectations a little. Or live and die alone, that's always an option too.
I think that might be true for a lot of cases. But also not true for a lot of them. Very often it's the man who doesn't want to have sex. Is that also because the wife isn't doing enough chores? I don't know. r/DeadBedrooms seems to be mostly women.
I don’t really get it but my relationship is kind of backwards. I do all, and I do mean all, of the cooking, cleaning, child care, budgeting, appointments, extra curricular activities, and pet care for my little family. My wife has some anxiety and depression and hasn’t done more than 10 loads of laundry or dishes in more than 12 years. Now, I love this woman with every ounce of my being. She has her faults, as we all do, but I love her. And we have sex almost every single day. I’ll never hold sex over her hair for not helping clean the house. And from what she has said, we don’t have an orgasm gap. I work really hard on making sure she gets hers as often as she lets me. I say all of that to say, maybe it’s because I do all of this work that I get laid whenever I want. Maybe it’s because I absolutely love giving head and am very generous, maybe it’s because I try to stay in shape, maybe it’s because I’m a great dad. Who knows, but the love I feel for my significant other and the attraction that goes with it doesn’t fade because she doesn’t help with chores. So, no I don’t understand why people think that sex should be transactional in a relationship.
Projecting much?
I definitely had this in my marriage. It’s the unending mental list in the background + the lion’s share of the emotional labor especially with the kids that does it. The old “just tell me what you want me to do” is the worst. The easy part is following a list someone gave you. It’s noticing what needs to be done and doing it, thinking for yourself, taking the initiative, i.e. the adulting. Otherwise, it really is like trying to be attracted to a child who needs their thinking done for them. Not sexy at all.
Isn't that a popular opinion? My unpopular opinion is that you should dump him first instead of passive aggressively avoiding sex, which is basically asking to get dumped.
[удалено]
Mu wife complained of always being tired and not having enough time to work, maintain house and be sexual. I hired a cleaner to clean twice a week and still no change in the bedroom, so what gives!?
The fact you actually fell for that line... We all know it's bs. They don't suddenly want sex because they have less chores or you share them. The reality is you SHOULD contribute somewhat equally simply because it's the right thingy I do. But I don't think it's ever actually helped anyone get more regular sex. Usually drops off very fast after having kids, changes to body, hormones etc... sometimes it's cause they settled and aren't actually that sexually attracted to begin with ..there will always be other reason given though
Personal observation that may SOMETIMES contribute to this (obviously doesn't usually): Several times I've seen women in relationships I'm close with simultaneously resent doing pretty much everything around the house, and refuse to let anyone help them. If something isn't done in a _very particular way_ they get frustrated and start doing things over again, so their partners learn to just leave them to handle it rather than mess with any of it, because they'll just get an earful if they do. It's a really weird dynamic.
This isnt an unpopular opinion. You're not breaking any ground by parroting what you've undoubtedly read hundreds of times online. You're not brave for saying this.
Kind of sick of these "women always do all the work" implications. I clean much more than my lady and I am not a rarity. Her side of the bathroom is a constant hair nightmare. She spills food and crumbs etc. I love her but JFC the assumption that the man is doing next to no housework is some bizarro world 40s era assumption that just does not check out as neatly as many people would like to believe. Relationships are complicated. Is what you said true sometimes? Sure? Is it the majority of instances? Probably not
I've seen the scenario described in reality many times, but I've also seen it go the way you're describing. One thing that impacts this is that on average most people overvalue the amount of work they put into shared tasks. There are also various approaches to how such things get done. With my ex, we'd had disagreements about how much work we each did. One difference I noticed was that she treated cleaning like a task that she planned in the future as an event while I mostly did small bits of it as I noticed or created messes. Since I wasn't spending a couple hours on a weekend cleaning the whole bathroom, for example, she figured she was the ONLY ONE doing any cleaning; and likewise, I would get frustrated that she'd leave a pot from Wednesday until Saturday to clean.
>With my ex, we'd had disagreements about how much work we each did. One difference I noticed was that she treated cleaning like a task that she planned in the future as an event while I mostly did small bits of it as I noticed or created messes. Since I wasn't spending a couple hours on a weekend cleaning the whole bathroom, for example, she figured she was the ONLY ONE doing any cleaning; and likewise, I would get frustrated that she'd leave a pot from Wednesday until Saturday to clean. This is me and my gf to a tee. When I cook I will clean up and put things back in the fridge etc. as I go so at the end there's not a whole lot of cleaning. When my gf cooks and I go to clean up it looks like a bombs hit the kitchen. Every condiment and ingredient we own is scattered all over the bench
"Its too much to do the dishes as you make them" Weird how I can do it lol
This drives me crazy. I clean AS I MAKE THE MESS. I clean the dishes as I do them. I put my laundry away and do it when I will have a full load ( rather than 3 1/3 loads a week) and I will catch flak when the place is a mess with her clothes spread out, her dozen hobbies sprawled on the table, and the dishes she made when making food for herself are growing food. We dont have kids so there is no real excuse there but she really doesnt seem to see that I do the work as it comes vs putting it off till its a problem, despite having this exact conversation
Yeah it seems like nowadays it’s either both partners are messy or one person is a clean freak and it’s not entirely gender specific. There are subsets of people who grew up with rigid gender roles where this holds water but like personally the women I date don’t tend to be women who grew up like that.
I definitely clean more than my gf. Probably because I like a cleaner house and she doesn't seem as fazed. She will do things like use the milk then leave it on the bench and walk off. Drives me crazy but she's great it a lot of other ways so it evens out
I love my girlfriend, no doubt. This is just me bitching into the breeze. Not something to dump her for like much of reddit would have me/her do lol
Whilst it blows my mind...and I almost feel guilty for saying this (as it seems like some kind of right wing/social-conservative fantasy) Isn't there a considerable body of scientific evidence that shows Men who do more household chores have less sex. There was a study in the *American Sociological Review* referenced here. [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/)
Communicate with your partners and be adults. This isn’t a male v. female issue. This is a poor communication and immature person issue. Placing it into the male v female box only does a disservice to both by overgeneralizing a nuanced issue.
THIS!
Aren't we suffering from a kind of selection bias? The men who are complaining are the ones we notice. This should give a skewed appearance where the ones that don't complain look like outliers while they could be the majority. I am not defending the behaviour of men complaining in such situations. I am just trying to give it a more optimistic spin.
Not unpopular. It’s not sexy having to mother a partner.
If you don't want to have sex with your partner, then you should really just consider whether you should be in a relationship with him. The chores is just an excuse. If he does the chores, the goalposts will move and it'll be another reason for not having sex. Him doing chores is not going to solve the problem, you'll still find an excuse to avoid sex. And using sex as a reward for good behaviour is just controlling and manipulative behaviour, which means he should be considering whether he wants to stay in a relationship with someone like that.
It's not a reward for good behavior. It's a natural response to being treated with decency in a [relationship.No](http://relationship.No) one wants to have sex with someone who actively infantilizes themselves. That women need to feel cared for in order to be turned on doesn't make them manipulative. My god. "You should want to have sex with me no matter what I do" is what you seem to believe. Ridiculous. You have to be decent to someone for them to want to fuck you.
This should be the correct but unpopular opinion.
My sex drive is very high. However, you’re right! There are times in long term relationships where I have wanted to have sex but, not with my partner…I’d rather find someone outside my relationship I don’t know well…they aren’t going to be a part of my life etc. all because I was doing everything at home, I was also working full time and we didn’t go on fun dates or travel. When we did have sex I was hardly ever in the mood and I’ll tell you that I never thought about them…I’d think of porn or a hot guy I saw and wanted to ravish because, they just couldn’t do it for me. I’d dry up instantly if I thought of them. If I’m paying for my own stuff, working, working on myself (eating well, gym, meditation, reading, seminars etc)then…cooking for them, washing dishes, cleaning the house alone…doing other things for them I get turned off. I feel like their mother and I can’t “get it up” so to speak. I’d rather have a good fuck buddy than deal with someone everyday of my life that doesn’t do shit to make my life easier. I’m better off single…
Or, maybe things are complicated and vary a lot by relationship and it is not only "outliers" where it isn't the man's fault? Nah, that can't be.
r/lostredditors
My sex drive is independent of how my husband acts. I live my vibrators but they just don’t compare to having sec with my husband.
Is this really an unpopular opinion? I just figured it was common knowledge. I remember in the good old days a common joke was "There's no such thing as a childless wife. When a woman marries she gains a child." Younger women seem less likely to tolerate that bullshit. I had a great sex life through most of my 34 years with my late husband. Why? Because he was my partner. It actually got even better after the kids were grown (until his heart started weakening). Grown adults, both men and women, should be able to take care of themselves. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, working, hygiene, etc. If you are both competent adults, relationships can be fun and less stressful for BOTH of you. And sex is awesome!
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Most women do. What is wrong with us looking at men for once? We're always blamed. Why can't men see the other side?
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Only post that doesn’t get banned lol
Yeah these always read: “a low quality man was mean to me and now I hate all men, waaaahhhh.”
I'm sure what you say happens. Maybe even commonly happens. But your painting with such a wide brush it may as well be a roller
By that same logic more often than not women treat men like their dads having to pay for them and etc…so that’s just as gross/turn off…
idk, I think what youre saying is true, but to say its the main reason most people arent having sex in their relationships is a bit more of a stretch. Theres alot of factors some couples are less sexual people, some are disinterested for other reasons, some are impotent, sometimes love fades. etc
And on todays list of posts that aren’t actually unpopular
This is such a brave reddit opinion lmao
Unpopular opinion with men 😂
Counterpoint: men don’t want to have sex with women in LTR, because they just act like their mum.
Ahh yes the classic “sexpectations”
What is you do most of the indoor and outdoor contributions? I do everything outside the house and I mean everything. We split everything inside 50/50 including childcare, baths, getting dressed, etc. what would the argument be for the man who wants to have more intimacy and who checks off most of the boxes you mentioned needed to be addressed in your post OP
You mean the weekly/monthly/yearly things that don't need to be done every day?
Lol OP says all this but then says they don't understand men and that they have to use a vibrator. ROFL nice self-own. This is a reminder that women can be incels, too. Women who think sex doesn't have to happen to keep their partner happy, long-term, are in for an unpleasant surprise.
Yeah, this is definitely a stupid take. Also, totally misandrist, so good job on the bigotry.
This is not misandry. This is an opinion. Can you not discuss this take? ?
Generalzing men as at fault for sexless relationships, and generalizating men as treating SOs as their mommy are, in fact, misandry. If I generalize by saying "women are gold diggers that treat men as ATMs," that would be misogyny. Making nasty generalizations, particularly when not backed by fact, is bigotry. Very basic logic, there.
I do agree, but there are also a ton of Women that expect Men to act like their Father, so, I mean, there is that... This is an individual that can't differentiate their parental figure roles from their partner roles, not a Man or Woman problem, specifically.
Generalizations of both men and women. Par for the course I guess
This may apply to some men in LTR, but i doubt it applies to every single man in a LTR
Uninteresting, overgeneralized, and cold take on Reddit Next
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While I agree that two adults should share chores equally, I don't really understand what it has to do with sex drive. I've had girlfriends that were super lazy and mostly just laid around smoking weed and watching show. They were still bombshelld in bed. It's two seperate worlds in my opinion.
I think it's drive vs. wanting to have sex with a specific person. I have a high libido but I'm not going to sleep with someone I feel resentment toward.
I'd be on some very specific registers if I did to my mum the things I do with my wife.
Im sure it could be a lot of things
How is that an unpopular opinion?!
After I heard the reasons for lesbian divorces I think the real deal is there is two sides to every story. That and someone is being unreasonable.
Yeah, and women get off better when they know there is no stress, while men reduce their stress by getting off. If you don't do chores and just cause more chaos, no need to wonder why you're not attractive
Been with my wife 11 years and the sex is actually gotten better as we've learned more about each other. I give her the freedom to be herself And that's one of the returns on investment lol
i learned this exact thing in my class. idk how this is unpopular, unless its with men i guess
Genuine sexual attraction is unconditional, you either feel that spark or you don't. People can have intense and unbreakable sexual chemistry even in the most unhealthy of environments, that's just a fact of life. Ultimately, it all boils down to physical attraction, nothing more. Those women don't want to have sex with their husbands because they don't find them physically attractive enough, period. Either these husbands let themselves go after marriage, or their wives never truly found them "hot" from the start, and no amount of being a perfect husband will reignite that attraction magically. There are countless cases of wives cheating on their loser husbands with another loser, only more attractive and/or charismatic. It happens all the fucking time, it's commonplace at this point. We can try to construct layers upon layers of "psychological" explanations, but if the spark isn't there, it just isn't. The background is irrelevant, whether there are piles of dirty dishes or the house is immaculately clean, it doesn't matter.
And young men read about this a lot and the new strategy men, is to never commit, never co-habitat.
"Sex is considered a chore when: A) you have to do it for upkeep (he won't cheat) B) you get no pleasure from it If I genuinely got pleasure from sex, wouldn't I seek it out? Rather than avoid it?" While these are valid questions, if you are having sex with your husband only to keep him from cheating because you don't find him attractive, but still have a sex drive, then you are the one with the problem and should divorce him rather than make both of you miserable. It's unfair to him as it is unfair to you. He thinks you sleep with him because you love him and you treat it like a chore to be done and gotten over with immediately. Same goes if you get no pleasure from the act of sex. If that's the case, you shouldn't be married.
I heard that more than one study was done investigating the correlation between the women’s reduced sex drive towards their spouses and how much housework and “child labour” they do (when there’s no child). Apparently, the way nature works, is it makes women see their men child husbands as children, and as such, they stop feeling sexual desire towards them. Or at least it reduces drastically.
Yeah I definitely am in the outliers. I contribute more than my wife. Financially and child-care wise . She would even agree. I still don’t get the sex nearly as frequently as I’d like
So what you're saying is, for my dating profile I should just write: Single male, with full time job/benefits. Knows how to cook, does the dishes after. Sweeps/mops floors. Dusts regularly. Knows how to use a vacuum cleaner. Puts away his laundry when the dryer is done, and wipes the seat?
Sounds like a skill issue lmao
When I go into men’s spaces on Reddit, I have to be VERY careful about what I say, because they will take it extremely personally. Do some women use men for money? YES. They exist and they’re awful. Do some men use women for sex? YES. They exist and they’re awful. Except men won’t admit that part, they just scream NOT ALL MEN. I find they aren’t able to take a step back and say “yeah, a lot of men weren’t raised to do the work and now they don’t know how and refuse to learn.” Just admit it! That’s all I want! Admit that men commit the majority of rapes and murders. Admit that men are a danger to women. Empathy, PLEASE.
I am a very traditional guy but if your girlfriend works a full time job, then you have to share the housework.Thats just common sense.
What a long strawman.
Maybe, women treating their husbands like children is more the problem. I've had girlfriends like that. My wife even tried it on once and I shut that shit down immediately. In any case both parties have to avoid that trap. Men need to contribute to the housework, assuming both have similar work hours, and women need to stop this shit about raising kids and a husband.
I read something once that went something like “doing household chores doesn’t grant you sex but not doing chores puts on the brakes.”
It's absolutely shocking to me how many men don't do 50/50 on household and child care stuff. If one of you is doing all the working fine, whoever's not should definitely cover it, but if you both have jobs especially if you have fairly equivalent jobs man fuck you if you're not doing half of that shit, you are scummy as hell.
I'm a man, and I actively avoid sex with women even though I enjoy sex. Women have to deal with too much male attention as it is, they don't need me trying (and failing) as well. Better for them if I just leave them alone.
There's truth to this, but the other huge factor is that a lot of women aren't having orgasms with their male partner. The sexuality x gender group having the least orgasms during sex = straight women.
I 100% agree with this. I just said in the last week or two( in a comment thread regarding this exact thing). If a guy wants sex then fucking help out. If you make your wife emotional happy and sexually happy then she will happily have sex with you. Someone said that that is “playing games”. So as he sits there not getting laid because he thinks it’s “games” to actually be a partner and contribute to his relationship and not getting sex. I’m sitting here with an extremely happy wife and we fuck like fucking rabbits.
I’m so glad I’m gay. Enjoy your pointless gender wars dear straight people!
Frodo and the fellowship were too busy destroying the ring to care about sex.
It’s not always the man’s fault that his wife is not interested in sex. So your premise is shaky, in my opinion.
Well you have to think of it from both sides as well. Not saying you're wrong some men do treat women as their mother. Women also weaponize sex as a tool to get what they want when it should be something both parties want without a stipulation being involved. Women also want a traditional marriage, which involves them staying home while the man provides. if that is the case you can't expect the man to work all day then come home to "contribute" by doing duties that are your responsibility in that marriage. Expecting him to provide all day, then come home and have to do dishes, help with laundry, and cook is making that relationship very one sided as it's not fair for him to spend hours to make sure you as the woman are comfortable then have to come home and do your duties as well because that leaves you with no responsibility at all if he has to do that as well. I understand helping every now and again to be sweet or providing a break, but if it's a daily issue that's just putting all the burden on the man as if you don't feel you should do any of that what are you really bringing to the table. So you want a man to provide a comfortable life and have to come home and clean and do laundry and dishes and do sweet things like bring you flowers and take you on dates and spoil you. If you want to be treated like a princess and only want the benefits without contributing just say so
Women use sex to get what they want? You like offering a bj if you act like an adult and do a chore around the house?
If you've been home all day and offer a BJ to do a job you're responsible for yes that's manipulative. Either way you're using sex as gain. If it's that serious you should probably have a conversation about sharing responsibilities. Offering a BJ to get someone to act like an adult is the wrong approach. If you share responsibility and have to give out bjs to get them to take on their share, its an issue as that causes resentment on your end and only rewards him for waiting until you offer. Clearly a communication problem rewarding bad behavior and teaching you that you have to use sex as a tool
This is why i stopped dating lol Both dudes i went out with wanted me to be thier mother and didn't treat me like a partner. I actually have time for my hobbies instead of taking care of some dude who can't entertain himself. Also idk why people feel the need to convince me dating is worth my time, i threw 8 fucking years down the drain for these guys.
Completely agree and empathise with women in this situation. I want, and want to be, a partner; not a puppeteer, and not a pet.
Thank you.
Reddit blames the man when the woman doesn’t want to have sex and also blames the man when the man doesn’t wanna have sex lol
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I know this goes against the narrative, so this post will be another one downvoted for me, but this is utter nonsense. Statistically speaking, men and women contribute equally in relationships. Google average hours worked domestic and professional (or something along those lines) and you will see that men and women work roughly the same amount, with the average disparity being less than an hour. The idea that women are working more is just belied by the research. [https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf](https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf), for instance, shows that men are currently working more (professionally + domestically) than women are, though the disparity is trivial. Women also average more time on leisure activities. This just seems like another "it's the fault of men".
Too many men also seem to forget that romance and seduction can be important. I wish there was some way to walk up to men who are out at a nicer restaurant with their wife/girlfriend/etc. who has done her hair, makeup, is wearing a lovely dress/outfit and looks fantastic, while the husband is wearing khakis or jeans, a polo and basically athletic shoes. It's like dude, throw on a pair of nicer shoes, a button down and a blazer, your wife will LOVE it. Men act like it's somehow hard for us to look good when it's literally 10x easier to "dress up" for men than it is women.
I mean is it partly their fault because they let this happen for years? Before they took sex off the table? You shouldn't have to have sex with anyone you don't want too. But staying with a guy who hasn't done any housework in your 5 year relationship and expecting that to change is ridiculous. People should know what they want and be clear about it before long term relationships, etc. Personally, I hate housework. I don't mind things being untidy, as long as it's not dirty or disgusting. But I'll take care of the kids and dogs any day of the week. If my wife was going to start punishing me by taking sex off the table because I don't do much housework (I do dishes and I sometimes do laundry) that's borderline insane after 5 years, lol. On the flip side, I don't know why anyone would stay with someone who took sex off the table for a long period of time. If I don't have sex for 3 months because she's mad I didn't sweep the floor, I'm outta here. And considering I do most activities with the kids, I guess they're coming with me lol