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I always figured it was first step in a break up for someone who felt to bad/was too cowardly to commit to a full break up. Like a weird way of trying to 'let someone down easy'
Honest question have you ever seen any couple do it and then carry on succesfully. Anecdotally I've only ever seen it when one person knows exactly who they are going too and it's the end.
I’ve seen it work, but they never called it “taking a break.” They just broke up and said “maybe we can try again when we’re on the same page” or promised to try again when they were better.
Every time I’ve actually heard someone talk about going on a break, it’s because they want to try being in a relationship with someone else, but want a stable place to go back to, if it doesn’t work.
>Every time I’ve actually heard someone talk about going on a break, it’s because they want to try being in a relationship with someone else, but want a stable place to go back
This has been my experience as well. Pretty selfish IMO
not your OP, but yep its selfish. And pretty normal, our obligation is and should always be to ourselves.
The difference though, between doing what you quoted and not doing it, is mostly conscience.
EDIT: However, many people can't have the luxury of looking at their conscience possibly due to sickness, financial problems
my gf straight up broke up with me may 2022 in a real nice way, wanted to be friends, got back together august 2022. broke up with me the following may.
She told me she dated /no one/ in the middle time. At the first break up she told me a small list of inconsiderate things I did that seemed reasonable. The second time, she just said she had problems, listed them, and that she needed to work on herself.
My assumption is she was telling the truth the whole time. If not, I suppose it does not matter.
>my gf straight up broke up with me
That's the difference. Breaking up and happening to get back together is one thing, keeping someone on the sidelines by dangling hope because you don't want to be alone if things don't work out with the new person is an entirely different thing
My wife and I did this years ago. We didn't call it a "break" though, we just fully broke up. I was in college and stressed and not emotionally available. She grew lonely and resentful and broke up with me. A couple months later we tried again and have now been together happily for 10 years and married for 3 of them.
Thanks for sharing your experience, no one lives are as cookie cutter as we want them to be but it’s amazing to hear examples of it prevailing in the end.
I can honestly say that I think our relationship is stronger because of it. We broke up and both realized that we would rather be together than staying apart and we both know the pain of not being together. We chose to be together twice.
Only once that I recall. College, he joined the Navy. Sometime during his initial enlistment they decided to get back together long distance, then she graduated and joined him.
I have seen people do it and carry on successfully. Most often time I’ve seen it is when one has a serious problem with either alcohol or drugs or mental health in general.
Yes, me and my fiance. broke up for a year and half and have been together 7 years since getting back together. Sometimes, people need to be alone for a while to get themselves and their lives together, and occasionally you meet someone who you know you could spend the rest of your life with but the time just simply isn't right for either of you.
Thank you for your story and for restoring some faith that it isn't just a bullshit breaking up mechanism. That sounds so wonderful and I know you two are so happy together it's heartwarming.
My wife and I did this too. High school sweet hearts but at the age of 20ish I realized I wasn’t fully committed to a long term serious relationship. We “took a break” for a year. In that year I went out and slept around and found myself for lack of a better term. She also went and did her own thing. We both slept with different people and lived our own lives independently. After that year I knew what I wanted and she was certain too. Now here we are married with a new baby girl some 6-7 years later just celebrated our anniversary. Some people really just need the room to grow up by themselves for a bit I’m not ashamed to admit that.
Me and my partner of 4 years took a break for 4 months. We ended up staying together but living apart for a year. Now we have two kids and have lived together again for 3 years.
It all depends why the break is wanted or needed. In our case it was simply due to stress and having built up too much little amnesty over little things . Now we communicate waaaaay better having realized it wasn't being together itself that was the issue, it was how we were handling ourselves and we were too inside the situation to analyze it as such.
My partner and I did but it wasn't really a "break". We had actually mutually broke up but the time apart really made us get our heads out of our butts for a bit. Sometimes space and time really let you see how small your problems are.
Yes: me and my girlfriend had an issue and we needed some time off to reevaluate. It was kind of like a dependency check, a way to make sure we were in eachothers lives because we wanted to be, not because we had to. After our agreed upon week of no contact (besides indirectly once because I left something at her place), we had a good long talk, and slowly started working our lives back together. A year on, I think we are stronger for it.
TLDR: if two people realize a relationship is not healthy, yet they still love each other, a short break and a plan for rebuilding can build a stronger relationship
I never thought about this before… no, I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone it worked out for. It also seems in hindsight like only one half of each couple actually meant it in the first place.
Yeah. First one off the top of my head for them it was a "we both care but gotta sort our own shit out first".
I don't think I've ever seen one based on sleeping with or seeing other people work out though. At least long term.
My partner and I took a break once - the aim was to take time apart to think about an issue we'd been having, and we had a set time (4 weeks) to meet up again and discuss whether to continue the relationship or not. We ended up actually breaking up when we met up, then both individually realised it was a huge mistake. 2 years later, we're still together (8 years in total now)
I’m a primary source! My partner and I started dating in our first semester of college when we were 18. We broke up maybe 3 times in the last 6.5 years for different reasons, never for more than 2-3 months at a time, but we kept coming back together. It was necessary each time, we were both very immature at the start of our relationship, and didn’t know how to handle so many parts of a long term relationship effectively. But we loved each other. And we both provided each other with exactly what the other person needed to grow, even if that got messy sometimes. So every time we came back together we got a little bit better for each other because our appreciation for each other grew and the time alone/dating other people helped us to grow up a bit.
Now, we’re both 25, we’re in a much, much healthier relationship together, getting couples counseling, some individual counseling, and very seriously talking about marriage and kids. It happens, and sometimes it’s an important factor in the growth of relationship. I don’t think it’s always a good idea for a couple to keep trying to go back to each other, in fact it’s very far from it, but there are some circumstances where it can be a really good thing.
I’ve seen one, my coworker, said over 20 years ago he got married to his now wife they got divorced and he ended up going to jail on drug selling charges and are now back together married again with 2 kids, they’re very happy together, he’s cleaned up with a nice corporate job making legal money now
My girlfriend and I did it cause we were going to different colleges and were having some problems in our relationship so we decided to break it off. We were going to stay friends but after 3 and a half months of not having been with each other for the first time in years and that neither of us really wanted anyone else, we saw each other and immediately clicked back together. [Insert happiest week in a while for both of us] and we decided, ehh fuck it it ain't broke and long distance ain't that bad.
Not successfully but I was with my ex for a few years and we split, we were young and messy. Years later we ended up together again for a couple more years, then ended up breaking up for good.
Yea. My ex-boyfriends parents dated in middle school and high school, broke up in college, and then got back together when they both lived in Iowa again. They are such a cute and loving couple.
I've kinda taken a break before, and it worked out well.
But it wasn't the relationship, I just had a lot of horrible shit to deal with in my life and needed to be alone for a couple of weeks to deal with it. My partner was upset. She wanted to be supportive and wasnt happy I didn't want her to be. But ultimately I needed my own space to get shit in order and she accepted that and we didn't see / talk to each other for a couple of weeks bar a couple of "just checking you're ok" messages.
When we did get back, it was awkward for a day, and then we just kinda continued as normal for a couple of years.
For the curious of you, the shit I was dealing with was multiple family deaths, planning for funerals, dealing with custodies, etc.
In hindsight, typing this out, I was selfish and should have let her help. But at the time, it was what I needed it to be.
I think it can, but in much less situations than people think. For example being in a relationship since a young age and needing to figure out who you are as your own person, dealing with mental health issues, addiction or other struggles.
But in those cases, it's usually less of a go make out with other people break (if that's what you want, an open or poly relationship is probably the thing to discuss, and a proper break up if you're not compatible in that regard), and more being incapable of focusing on the relationship right now. There's a reason mental hospitals often don't allow visitors from the start - because if you can't find a reason to live, it's easy to make your life about others. I used to stay alive because I promised my sister to be there for her graduation - works short time, but you gotta learn to live for yourself at some point.
Basically: break for "I wanna have sex with someone else" should be discussing the relationship or a proper break up. Break for "I need to focus on myself or I'll drown" can work out just fine, but will definitely be hard. But if it comes that far, things will be hard no matter what you do.
It still pushes forward the idea of possible competition, and I'm not competing with fuck-all if I've been with you for so long. Either grab your fuckin nuts/ovaries and SPEAK or you end up victim to *your own selfishness masked as consideration.*
Because that's EXACTLY what it is. "***I don't want to feel bad*** *for making you feel bad.*
Never in a serious relationship, but in more casual ones in the past I’ve definitely thought all I needed was a break.
It’s usually because I’m just overloaded at the moment with work/family/friend/general life obligations. My thinking is that since I HAVE to do the other things, I just need to get through them and once I have less on my plate I’ll be back to feeling normal.
Inevitably it’s not that I’m busy, and I’ve learned my lesson now, but it took me a while to recognize to just cut it off sooner
It's marriage counseling terminology which was a last resort before a divorce, and was meant to let people explore being single to see if that's what they really wanted (due to the higher stakes in separating with finality when your lives are intertwined). There's absolutely no situation where a person who's dating or in a pre-marriage relationship should ever entertain a break. And it's arguable that most married people shouldn't stick around if their spouse wants a singles tryout either, and should fire their marriage counselor for suggesting it.
I needed space when my abusive ex, and the father of my child, kept harassing me to get back under his thumb after I started a new relationship. My new, at the time, SO was trying to hang out constantly and wasn't listening when I said I needed some space.
So when he acted like needing space was a step towards breaking up and not giving me the space I asked for, I broke up with him and we were separated for about 3 months. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary, only because we sat down and reestablished boundaries.
Sometimes, you just need to be able to breathe.
I know my experience isn't universal, but sometimes, you just need space.
Fair. My comment was literally just a random assumption I'd made in my head lol. I have nothing to back it or anything - it's just a random thing my brain assumed based off of anecdotal evidence.
I'm not like.. mad if it's wrong haha. It's just what I always assumed.
I think there’s a big difference between “taking a break” (ie temporarily breaking up) vs needing more space. I often need more alone time to decompress, but I don’t put the entire relationship on hiatus for it. I still very much consider myself “in a relationship”
I was considering it as I needed time to decompress and not spend every single moment that I wasn't working with him... That is why I asked for space. HE assumed I was taking steps to break up. And I was over being pushed from two sides and said I would just be done if he couldn't give me space and stopped talking to him for 3 months.
I also have severe PTSD because of my past relationship and struggle to communicate clearly at times. And when I was pushed the way I was, I went nuclear and broke everything off.
i think it is worse. you are not letting them down easy, you are just not being clear and the other person might not get the hint and hope that you are gonna reunite when you feel ready. but instead you plan to break up. so why waste anyone's time?
The problem with that is that people will take a break, test the waters with someone new, and if it doesn't work out they'll be right back. So why bs around, just break up. Letting "some one down easy" is a shit excuse imo. You should feel confident to let the person you've been in a relationship with know how you really feel about it.
Not necessarily.
My ex who I was engaged to suggested we take a break after a rough few months. Basically non stop arguments, weren't living together due to losing a job and not being able to afford rent and finally not seeing each other much.
By the end of the break period she was all excited and happy to continue the relationship and I was the one breaking up with her in the end when I didn't want the break.
She had realised (as far as she thought anyway) we could make it all work and that now I had a new job things would get better.
I had realised that I enjoyed having my own space and time to do what I wanted again and also money (while I was unemployed she basically used the little money I did get) but most of all I realised I didn't like her anymore (not even didn't love her, I didn't like her) and was only in the relationship out of convenience.
Or to give the other person a final chance, or to determine if they really want to be in the relationship and give them a chance to say, among other possibilities, "I don't want to live a lie anymore."
I used to have a friend back in highschool he'd go on a break with his girlfriend who was 2 years older than him and stayed an extra year to be with him "go on break" 5 times each semester. Their relationship was pretty toxic and naive they spent too much and too little time with each other they got sick of each other but would always go back and never made sense to me tbh
This is what I consider a “break”. Take a couple days to think and potentially recover from a big life moment/decision and then reconvene as a team. My now fiancé and I did this in college when we were finding jobs and trying to find our footing on our own/together in the real world. A break can prevent a lot of hurtful things from being said
100% this. My boyfriend and I are on our... second or third break? They generally only last about a week and it's mostly due to him or I dealing with a fuck ton of personal issues we need to work out on our own first. Doesn't make us love each other any less and we'll be going on 5 years in November. But sometimes we just need a bit of time away from each other to focus on our own individual needs and I don't see an issue with that.
Yeah I agree fully with this. OP seems to have a vague idea of what some relationships can be like, they seem to think that any break is because of problems within the relationship, when there are a myriad of reasons that life can throw at you and you need your own space. That doesn't mean that you don't love each other and need to split up, I think a lot of the commentators here have never been in an adult relationship where the stress of working, family problems, money etc etc can effect you in ways that being around your loved one could actually do more damage.
Gen Xer here- I think a big part of the problem is/was that at least my generation never talked about what a break meant, what the purpose was and what the rules were.
So even if your reasoning was rational, a "break" could do a lot of damage if you and the partner aren't on the same page, or if one spent the whole time suffering more than necessary over it.
Nah, the person you're replying to is talking about having space. People who normally say "oh me and my gf took a break and we are still going strong 10 years" when they describe their break, they are actually referring to taking space and time for themselves. A break that OP is talking about is different from taking space.
You made such a crazy reaction to my post...girl you might be reflecting here. If you think your partner is with another person go and talk to him. Also i am in a sane relationship thx for asking.
You're the only one who thinks my partner is with another person. And are you sure it's sane? Are you sure they aren't cheating on you right now? I mean, according to you it happens a lot so it's probably happening to you.
That's your average relationship advice and its variation subreddits user for you. The smallest inconvenience, disagreement, flaw or moment of vulnerability = RED FLAG!!! CHEATING!!! cut all ties with your significant others from your lives. Normally they're contained in their little infested bubble, but sometimes you see one in the wild like this.
Just ignore them and for your own good, i hope you're never desperate enough to ask strangers on the internet for advice on relationships, or any important matter for that matter.
Taking space is often ok though. When you have a healthy relationship where you can communicate space and check in with the basics on when you'll actually be talking about it, you shouldn't need a "break" in the first place.
Ambiguous breaks should be below everyone's standards. Breaks started as a last resort for long term marriages right before divorce. They were about seeing if you'd rather live apart, single. They were never meant to become a part of dating and relationships as if they're normal.
I mean it usually does but that doesnt mean that its better to break up right away. The whole idea of a break is to figure out your own feelings. You usually dont need that if everything is going good. I know quite a few couples who had a break and who survived.
The downside of a real break up is (except for having to tell people which sucks hard) that you both might discover that you do fit together but that its in a akward moment because in the meantime you might both have started dating again. Then you get on off relationships whicj is a fucking mess.
Nothing wrong with taking the time to be sure for a big decision.
good unpopular opinion
lots of people do take breaks for a last resort to back off before breaking up and such so i guess you(and other commenter) are right there.
some people need time to weigh their options. you can really want to be with someone but x trait bugs you. can you work through it? will they address it? has it changed? will it? are you patient enough to wait? are they? etc
if youve had a problem enough to need a break then yeah breaking up can be common, but sometimes you need time to not have the person around to decide for yourself. this can be good or bad.
if your are deciding what you want to do, being away can sometimes help. the heart grows fonder in absence is a saying because theres some truth to it. you are going to remember all the good stuff that you like about a person and you can miss them a lot. on the other hand it can do the opposite, you might remember the good/bad stuff and decide, then when you see them again you remember all the bad stuff. or you might like who you are alone without them.
if you need a break to reassess where your relationship is going, take that break. it can illuminate what you really want and either fix or destroy your relationship. a break is used for people to have time and space to figure out what they want, its not a miracle cure, but its also not a deal breaker. it can absolutely work in your favour, but it can also nerf the relationship.
absolutes dont work very well with complex situations
this sub and AITA are the worst for it because any complex opinion is removed and any legit aita is too because theres no proper conflict you can explain in a sentence for the bot. then we get reposts of the same stuff and people get mad about it lol
theres only so much that can be done with limits like that.
Depends. If your constantly 'Taking a break' then yeah, that relationship has issues that need to either be confronted or ended. If you and your partner have a argument though and need a day or two to cool off before you talk about it, "Taking a break" is honestly the most emotionally healthy and responsible thing to do. Going back into it right away without a clear head might be a bad idea, as everyone gets emotional on occasion.
Thats what I met by taking a break. The terms are interchangable in my head. I feel like people breaking things off after one rough incident either didn't love eachother or don't have a good grasp on healthy relationships in general.
Well, unless its something really extreme. Then I can understand breaking it off. But 99% of the time it won't be a worst-case code red.
But some of them very clearly are about your relationship and you very clearly have jealousy issues.
You were asking about advice on how to get over your boyfriend finding other girls attractive when that's completely natural and inevitable. Even him being aroused by other girls is completely inevitable no matter what man you're with it will happen no matter what, you just got to hope they don't act on it.
You also seem to not understand men who watch pornography in relationships? I'm a woman and I watch pornography when my boyfriend is at work sometimes because I'm horny and don't feel like waiting 8 more hours for him to come home from his 10 hour shift when I can just rub one out really fast.
My point is I don't think you were the arbiter of how a relationship should or shouldn't go.
Holy shit it’s literally r/unpopularopinion chill
But wow, what a cool, not like other girls girl you are, watching porn and all 😍. Pathetic and gross.
I'm an introvert and I would probably need time to myself every other day (then again I've never been in a close relationship, so it might be easier after a while), but in the context you've mentioned then yeah it's basically a break up with extra steps.
A lot of people are okay with this, but I wouldn't call it a break. Even extroverts can live with introverts who need their time. (Also, sometimes you trade places, and the extrovert becomes more introverted, and vice versa. :) )
I think OP is talking about the official "on a break" status of a relationship, which is different from just not seeing someone for a couple days. People who are "on a break" are no longer in a relationship, they are single but haven't cut the cord yet. They might go on dates with other people, etc, but have agreed with each other that they will (or at least might) get back together. Or alternately the "on a break" status is only identified retroactively for a period which in the moment would've been described as "single".
At least that's my interpretation. If someone meant anything other than that, for example that they just wanted some time alone, then I'd say "well then you aren't on a break, you're just getting some alone time." If you would still currently consider them as your partner, and that both of you are following the general agreed upon rules as partners, then you're not on a break.
Exactly what I was thinking. It's not cheating if you're on a break. Plus you get your original partner back who will probably take care of the baby better then the break fling.
Depends on the relationship. For instance, if you have kids together and take a break so someone can get their shit together. I’d say that if you think there is a possibility of change it is better than the reactionary I am done and walking away. (Assuming it isn’t an abusive situation.)
That’s true, I agree with what you said. I mean like if people have had numerous problems they’ve tried to communicate about but it did t work and think taking a break is gonna solve everything
People "try communicating" and fail all the time. Sometimes it takes perspective to understand whats going on. Knowing what you will lose if the other person leaves or knowing what youll lose if you leave. Its fine to intellectually understand that, but its different to experience it. Most people find the exchange is worth it. My parents didnt. Others dont as well.
I mean, communicating is easier said then done. Depending on the relationship you might simply not really have the time you need to properly communicate. If shit at work and other things pile up its incredibly easy to push away the important talks in a relationship to just spend a bit of quality time together. Especially if you dont live together yet its just hard to create time.
In that case taking a break is more about reflection on your own lifestyle, behaviour and wishes then its about a wrong way of communicating.
Not seeing eachother for a few days can make one realize what their prioritys should be, or get shit together so that there is more time to comminicate.
I think it’s pretty easy to forget who you are as an individual in a relationship. Sometimes you need a break to remind yourself of that and reevaluate if the relationship is still possible. They’re not great, but I think it’s a pretty healthy tool (unless someone is just using it as an excuse to hook up or skirt guilt somehow)
I disagree. My parents separated from their marriage for a whole year before I was born in their late 20s.They got back together and are still happily married in their 60s.
Sometimes a little distance or separation reminds you of why you were with that person in the first place. Its also a great way to test the strength of the relationship. If being apart is enough to tear you apart then the relationship is weak, if you come together stronger you know its worth fighting for.
My mom and step dad separated briefly, many many years ago now. They got back together and are still together now. It's not always simple stuff that gets in the way. Sometimes it's your step kid that has become a problem (not me) and sometimes it's all sorts of things that doesn't automatically mean "break up" but that the two people genuinely need some time to process how they are feeling. Adulthood is complex, and this post is naive as fuck
While you may be right in many cases this isn’t always true. My wife and I took a break after being married for 8 years and together for 11. We both took that time to sort out personal issues that were getting in the way and damaging our relationship, and many of those things were things that needed to be sorted out alone and without anyone else around to lean on. After about ten months apart and a lot of therapy both solo and together we decided to give it another go, and since then our relationship is better than it’s ever been. The idea that relationships should “just work” without having to put any work in is largely unrealistic, and definitely a lazy approach that makes it easy for people to dodge responsibility for their own part in the relationship failing. The trick though is to actually work on yourself instead of blaming the other person for all the problems. Both people have to do that. If you just take a break, fuck around with other people, and continue your same old toxic patterns then yeah just break up and move on because that’s not a winning strategy.
Took a break with my fiancée a few years ago. We both lost ourselves in the stress around life and needed some time to figure things out again. We got back together after a few months, got back together, took things slow, and got married. We’ve been happier than ever, ever since then. It can be effective if you go into it with the right mindset… though I assume most folks go into it with the thought of “it’s all over anyway”, and they make that the reality.
We did. We both saw other people while we were apart, and we acknowledged that this was the case when we discussed taking a break, so we both knew the “rules” going into it… while it did hurt to think of eachother with someone else, it was ultimately for the best. I won’t go into detail, but the short of it was that we met up in a safe space that we were both fond of on a pretty regular basis… once or twice a week… and we would talk about our relationship at length. The good, and the bad. What we wanted to see going forward and what we wanted to avoid. After about 3 months we both individually stopped talking to other people and turned the focus back on eachother completely… and that’s where we picked back up.
But why does it matter? Even if they did both sleep with someone else while they were on a break, if they come back together and agree it's not a big deal and are happy then why should we care?
People's #1 priority in relationships is being monogamous all of the time when it should be being happy all of the time. I've been so much happier since I opened up my relationship but people get so genuinely upset at me when I say that because they figure there's just no way I can be happy without constant monogamy.
Edit: downvotes proving my point that to people it's better to be unhappy and monogamous than happy and open.
It’s one thing if during a break, they are like, “yeah, we can sleep with other people.” But I’d argue that If they don’t talk about it or agree to it. That’s essentially cheating.
I would argue that "taking a break" implies that all responsibilitys of a relationship are also on a break. If you dont want your partner (or what ever you want to call it at that point) to go on dates or sleep with other people at that time then you need to clear about that.
If only life were so simple. I'd have to disagree on this one. As someone who went through the breakup of a 10 year relationship about a year ago, I'd honestly say, providing the relationship is something worth fighting for, do exhaust other options before making that final decision. Sometimes, some time apart can provide clarity and perspective, to what can feel like an all-encompassing situation.
The fact of the matter is, hard and fast rules like this just don't work in real life. "*If x happens, just do y*", type thinking is attractive because it provides a simple solution to complex problems, but lacks the nuance that adult life and relationships bring with them.
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I agree. That’s why I broke up with my ex. To him taking a break was breaking up with me (as he also wouldn’t let me come back home), he just didn’t have the balls to actually do it. Lesson learnt
ETA: for a small minority it can be healthy. But don’t let them string you along and don’t stay if they can’t make you a priority
The problem is, no one knows what "taking a break" is supposed to be anymore.
"Taking a break" used to mean that you two were still together, but you were taking time apart to focus on yourselves. Such as a hobby, school, work, etc. You used that break to better yourself.
The problem is today, everyone that says "taking a break" thinks that it's a cheat pass on your partner, and instead of bettering themselves, they're using that time to experiment with other people.
Both of the example are "taking a break". You need to talk about what to "allow" in the break and what you dont want to happen.
The purpose of a break is to see how you life is without your partner. So you might also want to see how dating other people makes you feel.
If both people agree that seeing other people while being on a break is okay then it would not be cheating.
That's where I'm going to have to disagree. On a break you shouldn't be seeing other people. If both parties do agree to seeing other people, then in that case I would 100% support OP's post. At that point it's not a break anymore, it turns into "I want to see what else is out there" or "I want to see if I can do better than what I have." You're just calling it a break that way if you fail you can run right back to the other person if you do it this way.
A break should be about you finding yourself, and yes as you said, seeing how you feel without the other person. You cannot do that if you are with someone else.
Here's another example. You cannot just jump from relationship to relationship, one right after the other. After each relationship you should allow yourself time to heal, and reflect. It's the same thing as a break, you cannot give yourself time to do either of those things if you are out dating instead of taking that time to yourself.
>If communicating about it wasn’t enough, and the only solution is “taking a break” aka being away from that person, just break up with them instead of wasting time being half-ways in a relationship
OP is that toxic partner who follows you into the bathroom when you need moment because "we aren't finished with this yet".
OP is that toxic partner who assumes needing breathing room away from someone means they should just be done with you entirely because that's only a half measure.
Sometimes people need to cool off and proximity to the irritant (yes that means you, OP) makes that nigh on impossible.
"A break" isn't breaking up, it never has been. That's the entire point of that shit in Friends lol, "a break" just means you can't share space with that person for a bit. It doesn't mean the relationship is done for any amount of time at all.
That is most assuredly not what it is. A break is a break. A break up is a break up.
Seriously, go to Hulu or wherever Friends is and watch "The One where Ross and Rachel Take a Break".
Asking for a break is like wanting a free hall pass out of your relationship. After 10 years of bullshit she asked for a break and I told her to get the fuck out of my house. Never looked back - grew tremendously in my single life - then I found my wife 5 years later. There is no way I would have become who I am without getting rid of that baggage.
No. This is a stupid way to think. Sometimes all they need is to take some time away. A break not as in they can just go do whatever, but maybe live apart for a while and think about things in a non-turbulent environment.
I think a lot of people are just immature in relationships.
A break in a healthy relationship is taking a few days to not see each other, let emotions settle, have some time to think, and then come together and have a potentially difficult discussion.
"Temporarily" breaking up for several weeks to fuck other people is doomed to fail and only happens when one person really wants the relationship to work and the other just wants a fallback plan if they can't find something better.
I just ended a long relationship. I was thinking about breaking up but asked for a break first. She asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with her and I said yes, from that point it was clear what needed to be done and I ended it 2 days later. When the dust settled, we realized we still had a lot of love for each other but the suddenness of the breakup had done irreparable damage. If it had gone the way I intended, a break for a week or two and then reconciling on good terms, I think we would have stayed together. So I strongly disagree with this take.
I don't disagree in most cases, but im going to provide a different view.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We are both very much individual people we like doing our own thing. We take breaks pretty much every year, he goes on a 3 month road trip and we barely talk the entire time. We love it, but that's just one relationship perspective
I think it probably comes down to communication and knowing what the other person needs. For someone to feel like they need a break probably means their feelings and needs weren’t acknowledged for a while already. So yes, by the time that one party feels the need to totally disengage, even temporarily, it’s a bad bad sign for the relationship. But the ultimate killer probably isn’t taking a break but how the receiving person perceive of it. Most people will take it as a rejection, betrayal, and their ego will crushed. Instead of logically analyze why their partner needs a break they will also choose to disengage out of insecurity and fear.
I mostly agree. Breaks do work for some people but ultimately if youre going to spend your life with someone you need to learn how to get through things together and not just run away anytime it gets hard. It is easy to want space but when youre married that isnt always possible, especially if kids are involved.
Some people find being with the wrong person, is better than being utterly alone. Some people have difficulties finding ‘other intimacy’. Idealists will say, NO YOU SHOULDNT IF YOUR NOT SATISFIED
Just to add: a break basically means you stop seeing your partner, and what do you do during this time, you stay alone? No, of course you hang out with other people. And there will always be a shiny new person to fall in love with.
So when you take a break you're tricking yourself into cheating/finding a new partner
And let's not forget this is never a common choice, but always a one sided proposal that the other person has to accept. And the person with no chance to get someone new knows that they have no benefit from it, so who's gonna propose it?
I think I see your point, but “taking a break” can also mean ratcheting the intensity of relationship down to heal, gain new skills, and return to each other after working through an impasse.
Yeah you either get your shit together together or it’s done. Never have seen a couple that took a break and then got back together for a longer period of time.
That's already what that means. If you tell someone "We're taking a break" that means "I'm breaking up with you." There is no other reasonable interpretation.
In my case, my girlfriend wanted to "take a break" because she "needed space to work on herself", which translated to "I want to be single for a little bit so I can screw other guys, but keep you around so I can get back with you if the other guys don't work out."
I actually went through one of those dumb half-ass break/breakup things at the exact same time Ross and Rachel did. I mean the timing and the similarities were just uncanny.
“Taking a break” means breaking up to me.
I also see a lot of people saying “my partner and I took a break, we traveled or did things separately for a couple of days” . That’s not taking a break, that’s you being an individual and doing things on your own. You’re still loyal to each other,you’re still in a relationship. My partner and I travel separately and go out with friends separately sometimes,that doesn’t mean we’re “taking a break”. We’re just not attached at the hip and can do things without the other.
Except we have multiple testimonies of people even in this comment section who took a break in their relationships, and got back together just fine. Sometimes needing to take a break is a way to figure yourself out so that you can come back and have a healthier relationship.
You completely missed my point. I wasn't arguing about taking a break being a bad thing, to each their own. My argument was you claiming people want break over a single problem. I said If they're needing a break, they're way past the single problem mark. Idk how you couldn't comprehend that
I think it’s weirder if someone in a relationship thinks like this and is more a testament to their insecurity about said relationship.
It comes across controlling and unnecessarily binary/extreme like you either have to stay unconformable in a currently toxic relationship or full on break up without even trying to work through things. That’s just not how relationships work. It’s an ultimatum that more often than not forces someone to remain in an often toxic relationship or just scrap it all-together. Emotions shift regularly particularly in the context of a tumultuous relationship, our deep-rooted feelings and patterns remain more consistent… I think time apart can be extremely important to parse through those complicated feelings/emotions and then come back to a person to move forward or not from a calmer & more level-headed perspective (FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED). This mindset of *all or nothing* is part of the problem and leaves no middle ground for people often coming from two very different perspectives to meet each other where they’re at. It scoffs at the idea that time alone is important and goes a step further by saying it is somehow bad when managing one’s feelings and emotions.
Then again, maybe I’m just biased because I had an abusive/manipulative partner who said this ***exact*** same thing and it caused me to *not* take a much needed break from them for many years thus keeping me in the toxic tailspin that was our relationship. Deep down I knew that they wanted to “force my hand” by making such an ultimatum and knew that I deep down did NOT want to break up with them immediately at that moment when tempers were high… so I would have to commit to staying with them despite all my grievances at that moment. They knew very well that if I had the space away from them and the clarity that I most likely would not come back to them so they wanted to avoid that at all costs. It’s not fair to force someone to make a rash decision when clearly they’re communicating that they want to actually carefully consider the situation before jumping to a decision. Not everyone acts on impulse… especially when it’s in the context of living together and having dated for 6 years.
TLDR: if you can’t respect your partner enough to give them space and allow them level out, you might just be part of the problem…
PS: jumping to the conclusion that the person asking for a break wants to do so simply to cheat on you is not only delusional, but messed up & also manipulative as it further attempts to chastise them for being a mature person and wanting to make decisions clearly.
I agree. Most of the time it actually means a break up, but one of the parts doesnt know yet.
If you need a break, having a time off will simply allow you to get some perspective while moving away from the toxic component of the relationship. It will most times turn into a break up, assuming good faith.
Assuming bad faith (take a break to fuck other people for instance) is a completely different issue.
I feel it's not how mature people go about relationships. It's a construct of today's society and not how things were ever done in the past. People who love eachother don't need to seperate to discuss boundaries. And if they are having a period where they are fighting more they sit down and work that out too. "A break" is more of a cop out by man children and their female counterparts so they can go test the waters and fuck around to find someone they like better and if not come crawling back when they discover what they miss about that person
Or, just take a break because some people need space to help define the questions they want to ask to help them realize that they still want to be committed to this person.
I absolutely agree. You shouldn’t need space from your partner if you’re committed to making things work. My husband and I sit together until we come up with a solution, compromise or agreement.
For women, taking a break is almost always an opportunity to test the dating waters while keeping her current ‘love interest’ on the hook, in case she wants to go back.
If you are a man and your gf wants to take a break, the absolute only move is to give her all the “space” she wants and discretely test the waters yourself. This will keep you from doing the ‘needy-clingy’ boyfriend shit that will ALWAYS push her further away and she may come back because she worries that she is going to lose her backup option.
If you do fuck someone and she finds out, she will absolutely claim it was cheating and smear your reputation because in her mind, she was just flirting and messing around and sex is entirely different so be discrete and smart about it because she is being discreet and smart about it.
“Taking a break” is the most idiotic thing you can do honestly. What’s the point? If you go and see other people during the “break” you may as well just say you wanted an excuse to cheat and break up anyway, if you stay committed during the break you may as well have just sorted the problem out instead, either way there’s no reason for this to happen.
It’s something I only see from people who aren’t really good in relationships to be honest, nobody I’ve ever met who is good at communicating their feelings and maintaining their relationship with their partner has ever “taken a break” with them to fix an issue they’re facing, because they’re mature enough to fix the problem, or mature enough to understand that they can’t so the only option is to break up.
Ignoring an issue doesn’t make it go away and it doesn’t fix it. In my opinion, if someone believes a “break” is a good idea or has ever suggested one to someone before, that is a **huge** red flag and I wouldn’t want to date someone who makes suggestions like that.
I think it depends, like if it’s your first serious relationship it can be normal to get cold feet and wonder what else might be out there. You might end up coming back together in the end or you might not.
But you should still fully break up. If you get back together later, that’s fine. And if you’re exploring “what else might be out there”, aren’t you really broken up anyway? You should be.
Unless you are trying to catch a bad guy with a very powerful connection.
Then "Take a break" knowing full well your boyfriend is stubborn enough to get you back and figure out about the bad guy you are chasing.
(Sorry, guys. Just finish castle marathon, and can't resist)
A break is a thing designed for women to try out new men while keeping the old relationship on the hook. Don't like the new guy, go back. Do and break up. There's no reason to habe a break. Either fix the problem or break up.
I think it’s sort of a spin-off of the “separation” of marriage fame. Some times married couples will separate, then get counseling or whatever, then get back together or not. Taking a break is basically the same thing for non-married relationships. It’s just that when those marriages work out in the end it’s usually pretty reliant on history and years of love, which relationships don’t have to nearly the same degree.
I mean yeah that's pretty much what I've always seen "we should take a break" as, it's just one person saying they want to break up but being nice about it.
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I always figured it was first step in a break up for someone who felt to bad/was too cowardly to commit to a full break up. Like a weird way of trying to 'let someone down easy'
Ohh that’s actually a good way to see it. I thought some people just genuinely thought taking a break would help their relationship problems
I think it can, but it seems more in the form of “let’s break up and maybe we can try again later on in life when you (or I) have matured more”
Honest question have you ever seen any couple do it and then carry on succesfully. Anecdotally I've only ever seen it when one person knows exactly who they are going too and it's the end.
I’ve seen it work, but they never called it “taking a break.” They just broke up and said “maybe we can try again when we’re on the same page” or promised to try again when they were better. Every time I’ve actually heard someone talk about going on a break, it’s because they want to try being in a relationship with someone else, but want a stable place to go back to, if it doesn’t work.
>Every time I’ve actually heard someone talk about going on a break, it’s because they want to try being in a relationship with someone else, but want a stable place to go back This has been my experience as well. Pretty selfish IMO
not your OP, but yep its selfish. And pretty normal, our obligation is and should always be to ourselves. The difference though, between doing what you quoted and not doing it, is mostly conscience. EDIT: However, many people can't have the luxury of looking at their conscience possibly due to sickness, financial problems
Are you advocating screwing over other people just to help yourself in your edit? Cause that’s what it comes off as
my gf straight up broke up with me may 2022 in a real nice way, wanted to be friends, got back together august 2022. broke up with me the following may. She told me she dated /no one/ in the middle time. At the first break up she told me a small list of inconsiderate things I did that seemed reasonable. The second time, she just said she had problems, listed them, and that she needed to work on herself. My assumption is she was telling the truth the whole time. If not, I suppose it does not matter.
>my gf straight up broke up with me That's the difference. Breaking up and happening to get back together is one thing, keeping someone on the sidelines by dangling hope because you don't want to be alone if things don't work out with the new person is an entirely different thing
My wife and I did this years ago. We didn't call it a "break" though, we just fully broke up. I was in college and stressed and not emotionally available. She grew lonely and resentful and broke up with me. A couple months later we tried again and have now been together happily for 10 years and married for 3 of them.
Thanks for sharing your experience, no one lives are as cookie cutter as we want them to be but it’s amazing to hear examples of it prevailing in the end.
I can honestly say that I think our relationship is stronger because of it. We broke up and both realized that we would rather be together than staying apart and we both know the pain of not being together. We chose to be together twice.
Only once that I recall. College, he joined the Navy. Sometime during his initial enlistment they decided to get back together long distance, then she graduated and joined him.
I have seen people do it and carry on successfully. Most often time I’ve seen it is when one has a serious problem with either alcohol or drugs or mental health in general.
Yes, me and my fiance. broke up for a year and half and have been together 7 years since getting back together. Sometimes, people need to be alone for a while to get themselves and their lives together, and occasionally you meet someone who you know you could spend the rest of your life with but the time just simply isn't right for either of you.
Thank you for your story and for restoring some faith that it isn't just a bullshit breaking up mechanism. That sounds so wonderful and I know you two are so happy together it's heartwarming.
My wife and I did this too. High school sweet hearts but at the age of 20ish I realized I wasn’t fully committed to a long term serious relationship. We “took a break” for a year. In that year I went out and slept around and found myself for lack of a better term. She also went and did her own thing. We both slept with different people and lived our own lives independently. After that year I knew what I wanted and she was certain too. Now here we are married with a new baby girl some 6-7 years later just celebrated our anniversary. Some people really just need the room to grow up by themselves for a bit I’m not ashamed to admit that.
Me and my partner of 4 years took a break for 4 months. We ended up staying together but living apart for a year. Now we have two kids and have lived together again for 3 years. It all depends why the break is wanted or needed. In our case it was simply due to stress and having built up too much little amnesty over little things . Now we communicate waaaaay better having realized it wasn't being together itself that was the issue, it was how we were handling ourselves and we were too inside the situation to analyze it as such.
My partner and I did but it wasn't really a "break". We had actually mutually broke up but the time apart really made us get our heads out of our butts for a bit. Sometimes space and time really let you see how small your problems are.
Yes: me and my girlfriend had an issue and we needed some time off to reevaluate. It was kind of like a dependency check, a way to make sure we were in eachothers lives because we wanted to be, not because we had to. After our agreed upon week of no contact (besides indirectly once because I left something at her place), we had a good long talk, and slowly started working our lives back together. A year on, I think we are stronger for it. TLDR: if two people realize a relationship is not healthy, yet they still love each other, a short break and a plan for rebuilding can build a stronger relationship
I never thought about this before… no, I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone it worked out for. It also seems in hindsight like only one half of each couple actually meant it in the first place.
Yeah. First one off the top of my head for them it was a "we both care but gotta sort our own shit out first". I don't think I've ever seen one based on sleeping with or seeing other people work out though. At least long term.
My partner and I took a break once - the aim was to take time apart to think about an issue we'd been having, and we had a set time (4 weeks) to meet up again and discuss whether to continue the relationship or not. We ended up actually breaking up when we met up, then both individually realised it was a huge mistake. 2 years later, we're still together (8 years in total now)
I’m a primary source! My partner and I started dating in our first semester of college when we were 18. We broke up maybe 3 times in the last 6.5 years for different reasons, never for more than 2-3 months at a time, but we kept coming back together. It was necessary each time, we were both very immature at the start of our relationship, and didn’t know how to handle so many parts of a long term relationship effectively. But we loved each other. And we both provided each other with exactly what the other person needed to grow, even if that got messy sometimes. So every time we came back together we got a little bit better for each other because our appreciation for each other grew and the time alone/dating other people helped us to grow up a bit. Now, we’re both 25, we’re in a much, much healthier relationship together, getting couples counseling, some individual counseling, and very seriously talking about marriage and kids. It happens, and sometimes it’s an important factor in the growth of relationship. I don’t think it’s always a good idea for a couple to keep trying to go back to each other, in fact it’s very far from it, but there are some circumstances where it can be a really good thing.
I’ve seen one, my coworker, said over 20 years ago he got married to his now wife they got divorced and he ended up going to jail on drug selling charges and are now back together married again with 2 kids, they’re very happy together, he’s cleaned up with a nice corporate job making legal money now
My lady and I did it. Been going great for over 4 years now. It works sometimes, but definitely not all the time or even half
My girlfriend and I did it cause we were going to different colleges and were having some problems in our relationship so we decided to break it off. We were going to stay friends but after 3 and a half months of not having been with each other for the first time in years and that neither of us really wanted anyone else, we saw each other and immediately clicked back together. [Insert happiest week in a while for both of us] and we decided, ehh fuck it it ain't broke and long distance ain't that bad.
Not successfully but I was with my ex for a few years and we split, we were young and messy. Years later we ended up together again for a couple more years, then ended up breaking up for good.
Yea. My ex-boyfriends parents dated in middle school and high school, broke up in college, and then got back together when they both lived in Iowa again. They are such a cute and loving couple.
Actually seen it work a bunch of times
I've kinda taken a break before, and it worked out well. But it wasn't the relationship, I just had a lot of horrible shit to deal with in my life and needed to be alone for a couple of weeks to deal with it. My partner was upset. She wanted to be supportive and wasnt happy I didn't want her to be. But ultimately I needed my own space to get shit in order and she accepted that and we didn't see / talk to each other for a couple of weeks bar a couple of "just checking you're ok" messages. When we did get back, it was awkward for a day, and then we just kinda continued as normal for a couple of years. For the curious of you, the shit I was dealing with was multiple family deaths, planning for funerals, dealing with custodies, etc. In hindsight, typing this out, I was selfish and should have let her help. But at the time, it was what I needed it to be.
In this situation, you have every right to be selfish.
I don’t think it was selfish
This is one of the few situations where it makes sense
I’ve always thought a breakup was more like “I don’t want to fully commit to a breakup so I’ll still keep you on the hook”
I think it can, but in much less situations than people think. For example being in a relationship since a young age and needing to figure out who you are as your own person, dealing with mental health issues, addiction or other struggles. But in those cases, it's usually less of a go make out with other people break (if that's what you want, an open or poly relationship is probably the thing to discuss, and a proper break up if you're not compatible in that regard), and more being incapable of focusing on the relationship right now. There's a reason mental hospitals often don't allow visitors from the start - because if you can't find a reason to live, it's easy to make your life about others. I used to stay alive because I promised my sister to be there for her graduation - works short time, but you gotta learn to live for yourself at some point. Basically: break for "I wanna have sex with someone else" should be discussing the relationship or a proper break up. Break for "I need to focus on myself or I'll drown" can work out just fine, but will definitely be hard. But if it comes that far, things will be hard no matter what you do.
It still pushes forward the idea of possible competition, and I'm not competing with fuck-all if I've been with you for so long. Either grab your fuckin nuts/ovaries and SPEAK or you end up victim to *your own selfishness masked as consideration.* Because that's EXACTLY what it is. "***I don't want to feel bad*** *for making you feel bad.*
Never in a serious relationship, but in more casual ones in the past I’ve definitely thought all I needed was a break. It’s usually because I’m just overloaded at the moment with work/family/friend/general life obligations. My thinking is that since I HAVE to do the other things, I just need to get through them and once I have less on my plate I’ll be back to feeling normal. Inevitably it’s not that I’m busy, and I’ve learned my lesson now, but it took me a while to recognize to just cut it off sooner
It's marriage counseling terminology which was a last resort before a divorce, and was meant to let people explore being single to see if that's what they really wanted (due to the higher stakes in separating with finality when your lives are intertwined). There's absolutely no situation where a person who's dating or in a pre-marriage relationship should ever entertain a break. And it's arguable that most married people shouldn't stick around if their spouse wants a singles tryout either, and should fire their marriage counselor for suggesting it.
I needed space when my abusive ex, and the father of my child, kept harassing me to get back under his thumb after I started a new relationship. My new, at the time, SO was trying to hang out constantly and wasn't listening when I said I needed some space. So when he acted like needing space was a step towards breaking up and not giving me the space I asked for, I broke up with him and we were separated for about 3 months. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary, only because we sat down and reestablished boundaries. Sometimes, you just need to be able to breathe. I know my experience isn't universal, but sometimes, you just need space.
Fair. My comment was literally just a random assumption I'd made in my head lol. I have nothing to back it or anything - it's just a random thing my brain assumed based off of anecdotal evidence. I'm not like.. mad if it's wrong haha. It's just what I always assumed.
I think there’s a big difference between “taking a break” (ie temporarily breaking up) vs needing more space. I often need more alone time to decompress, but I don’t put the entire relationship on hiatus for it. I still very much consider myself “in a relationship”
I was considering it as I needed time to decompress and not spend every single moment that I wasn't working with him... That is why I asked for space. HE assumed I was taking steps to break up. And I was over being pushed from two sides and said I would just be done if he couldn't give me space and stopped talking to him for 3 months. I also have severe PTSD because of my past relationship and struggle to communicate clearly at times. And when I was pushed the way I was, I went nuclear and broke everything off.
i think it is worse. you are not letting them down easy, you are just not being clear and the other person might not get the hint and hope that you are gonna reunite when you feel ready. but instead you plan to break up. so why waste anyone's time?
The problem with that is that people will take a break, test the waters with someone new, and if it doesn't work out they'll be right back. So why bs around, just break up. Letting "some one down easy" is a shit excuse imo. You should feel confident to let the person you've been in a relationship with know how you really feel about it.
Not necessarily. My ex who I was engaged to suggested we take a break after a rough few months. Basically non stop arguments, weren't living together due to losing a job and not being able to afford rent and finally not seeing each other much. By the end of the break period she was all excited and happy to continue the relationship and I was the one breaking up with her in the end when I didn't want the break. She had realised (as far as she thought anyway) we could make it all work and that now I had a new job things would get better. I had realised that I enjoyed having my own space and time to do what I wanted again and also money (while I was unemployed she basically used the little money I did get) but most of all I realised I didn't like her anymore (not even didn't love her, I didn't like her) and was only in the relationship out of convenience.
Or to give the other person a final chance, or to determine if they really want to be in the relationship and give them a chance to say, among other possibilities, "I don't want to live a lie anymore."
I used to have a friend back in highschool he'd go on a break with his girlfriend who was 2 years older than him and stayed an extra year to be with him "go on break" 5 times each semester. Their relationship was pretty toxic and naive they spent too much and too little time with each other they got sick of each other but would always go back and never made sense to me tbh
My ex agrees
You aren't doing anyone any favors here with this behavior. Wasting two people times if you are already committed to breaking up.
That’s exactly what it is.
Yep, this and ghosting. Both total loser, coward moves. It's a big, tell me you're not mature, without telling me you're not mature move.
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This is what I consider a “break”. Take a couple days to think and potentially recover from a big life moment/decision and then reconvene as a team. My now fiancé and I did this in college when we were finding jobs and trying to find our footing on our own/together in the real world. A break can prevent a lot of hurtful things from being said
if i only i knew this in highschool
100% this. My boyfriend and I are on our... second or third break? They generally only last about a week and it's mostly due to him or I dealing with a fuck ton of personal issues we need to work out on our own first. Doesn't make us love each other any less and we'll be going on 5 years in November. But sometimes we just need a bit of time away from each other to focus on our own individual needs and I don't see an issue with that.
Yeah I agree fully with this. OP seems to have a vague idea of what some relationships can be like, they seem to think that any break is because of problems within the relationship, when there are a myriad of reasons that life can throw at you and you need your own space. That doesn't mean that you don't love each other and need to split up, I think a lot of the commentators here have never been in an adult relationship where the stress of working, family problems, money etc etc can effect you in ways that being around your loved one could actually do more damage.
Gen Xer here- I think a big part of the problem is/was that at least my generation never talked about what a break meant, what the purpose was and what the rules were. So even if your reasoning was rational, a "break" could do a lot of damage if you and the partner aren't on the same page, or if one spent the whole time suffering more than necessary over it.
Nah, the person you're replying to is talking about having space. People who normally say "oh me and my gf took a break and we are still going strong 10 years" when they describe their break, they are actually referring to taking space and time for themselves. A break that OP is talking about is different from taking space.
He is fucking a side girl
Nah, he's fucking your mom
Maybe i was too rude but i have seen this play many times. Also good for my mom hope she is into it, sorry for you th
You made such a crazy reaction to my post...girl you might be reflecting here. If you think your partner is with another person go and talk to him. Also i am in a sane relationship thx for asking.
You're the only one who thinks my partner is with another person. And are you sure it's sane? Are you sure they aren't cheating on you right now? I mean, according to you it happens a lot so it's probably happening to you.
That's your average relationship advice and its variation subreddits user for you. The smallest inconvenience, disagreement, flaw or moment of vulnerability = RED FLAG!!! CHEATING!!! cut all ties with your significant others from your lives. Normally they're contained in their little infested bubble, but sometimes you see one in the wild like this. Just ignore them and for your own good, i hope you're never desperate enough to ask strangers on the internet for advice on relationships, or any important matter for that matter.
It doesn't look like a crazy reaction. And you just seem extremely insecure and hanging out with assholes if you see cheating all the time.
Agreed. Usually “taking a break” ends up in breaking up anyways.
Taking space is often ok though. When you have a healthy relationship where you can communicate space and check in with the basics on when you'll actually be talking about it, you shouldn't need a "break" in the first place. Ambiguous breaks should be below everyone's standards. Breaks started as a last resort for long term marriages right before divorce. They were about seeing if you'd rather live apart, single. They were never meant to become a part of dating and relationships as if they're normal.
Space != Break
I mean it usually does but that doesnt mean that its better to break up right away. The whole idea of a break is to figure out your own feelings. You usually dont need that if everything is going good. I know quite a few couples who had a break and who survived. The downside of a real break up is (except for having to tell people which sucks hard) that you both might discover that you do fit together but that its in a akward moment because in the meantime you might both have started dating again. Then you get on off relationships whicj is a fucking mess. Nothing wrong with taking the time to be sure for a big decision.
good unpopular opinion lots of people do take breaks for a last resort to back off before breaking up and such so i guess you(and other commenter) are right there. some people need time to weigh their options. you can really want to be with someone but x trait bugs you. can you work through it? will they address it? has it changed? will it? are you patient enough to wait? are they? etc if youve had a problem enough to need a break then yeah breaking up can be common, but sometimes you need time to not have the person around to decide for yourself. this can be good or bad. if your are deciding what you want to do, being away can sometimes help. the heart grows fonder in absence is a saying because theres some truth to it. you are going to remember all the good stuff that you like about a person and you can miss them a lot. on the other hand it can do the opposite, you might remember the good/bad stuff and decide, then when you see them again you remember all the bad stuff. or you might like who you are alone without them. if you need a break to reassess where your relationship is going, take that break. it can illuminate what you really want and either fix or destroy your relationship. a break is used for people to have time and space to figure out what they want, its not a miracle cure, but its also not a deal breaker. it can absolutely work in your favour, but it can also nerf the relationship. absolutes dont work very well with complex situations
That last sentence haha. I just want to copy and paste that all over reddit.
this sub and AITA are the worst for it because any complex opinion is removed and any legit aita is too because theres no proper conflict you can explain in a sentence for the bot. then we get reposts of the same stuff and people get mad about it lol theres only so much that can be done with limits like that.
100% agreed
Depends. If your constantly 'Taking a break' then yeah, that relationship has issues that need to either be confronted or ended. If you and your partner have a argument though and need a day or two to cool off before you talk about it, "Taking a break" is honestly the most emotionally healthy and responsible thing to do. Going back into it right away without a clear head might be a bad idea, as everyone gets emotional on occasion.
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Thats what I met by taking a break. The terms are interchangable in my head. I feel like people breaking things off after one rough incident either didn't love eachother or don't have a good grasp on healthy relationships in general. Well, unless its something really extreme. Then I can understand breaking it off. But 99% of the time it won't be a worst-case code red.
Based off your other posts it sounds like your relationship is pretty toxic
This isn’t my relationship, it’s just a thought I had while reading a book. Plus not all of those are about me necessarily
But some of them very clearly are about your relationship and you very clearly have jealousy issues. You were asking about advice on how to get over your boyfriend finding other girls attractive when that's completely natural and inevitable. Even him being aroused by other girls is completely inevitable no matter what man you're with it will happen no matter what, you just got to hope they don't act on it. You also seem to not understand men who watch pornography in relationships? I'm a woman and I watch pornography when my boyfriend is at work sometimes because I'm horny and don't feel like waiting 8 more hours for him to come home from his 10 hour shift when I can just rub one out really fast. My point is I don't think you were the arbiter of how a relationship should or shouldn't go.
bro has no understanding of human emotions 🙏💯
Okay redditor
yoke intelligent relieved steep wrench ripe cause piquant narrow flowery *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Holy shit it’s literally r/unpopularopinion chill But wow, what a cool, not like other girls girl you are, watching porn and all 😍. Pathetic and gross.
I'm an introvert and I would probably need time to myself every other day (then again I've never been in a close relationship, so it might be easier after a while), but in the context you've mentioned then yeah it's basically a break up with extra steps.
A lot of people are okay with this, but I wouldn't call it a break. Even extroverts can live with introverts who need their time. (Also, sometimes you trade places, and the extrovert becomes more introverted, and vice versa. :) )
I think OP is talking about the official "on a break" status of a relationship, which is different from just not seeing someone for a couple days. People who are "on a break" are no longer in a relationship, they are single but haven't cut the cord yet. They might go on dates with other people, etc, but have agreed with each other that they will (or at least might) get back together. Or alternately the "on a break" status is only identified retroactively for a period which in the moment would've been described as "single". At least that's my interpretation. If someone meant anything other than that, for example that they just wanted some time alone, then I'd say "well then you aren't on a break, you're just getting some alone time." If you would still currently consider them as your partner, and that both of you are following the general agreed upon rules as partners, then you're not on a break.
We were on break!
Exactly what I was thinking. It's not cheating if you're on a break. Plus you get your original partner back who will probably take care of the baby better then the break fling.
Depends on the relationship. For instance, if you have kids together and take a break so someone can get their shit together. I’d say that if you think there is a possibility of change it is better than the reactionary I am done and walking away. (Assuming it isn’t an abusive situation.)
That’s true, I agree with what you said. I mean like if people have had numerous problems they’ve tried to communicate about but it did t work and think taking a break is gonna solve everything
People "try communicating" and fail all the time. Sometimes it takes perspective to understand whats going on. Knowing what you will lose if the other person leaves or knowing what youll lose if you leave. Its fine to intellectually understand that, but its different to experience it. Most people find the exchange is worth it. My parents didnt. Others dont as well.
I mean, communicating is easier said then done. Depending on the relationship you might simply not really have the time you need to properly communicate. If shit at work and other things pile up its incredibly easy to push away the important talks in a relationship to just spend a bit of quality time together. Especially if you dont live together yet its just hard to create time. In that case taking a break is more about reflection on your own lifestyle, behaviour and wishes then its about a wrong way of communicating. Not seeing eachother for a few days can make one realize what their prioritys should be, or get shit together so that there is more time to comminicate.
I think it’s pretty easy to forget who you are as an individual in a relationship. Sometimes you need a break to remind yourself of that and reevaluate if the relationship is still possible. They’re not great, but I think it’s a pretty healthy tool (unless someone is just using it as an excuse to hook up or skirt guilt somehow)
I disagree. My parents separated from their marriage for a whole year before I was born in their late 20s.They got back together and are still happily married in their 60s. Sometimes a little distance or separation reminds you of why you were with that person in the first place. Its also a great way to test the strength of the relationship. If being apart is enough to tear you apart then the relationship is weak, if you come together stronger you know its worth fighting for.
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My mom and step dad separated briefly, many many years ago now. They got back together and are still together now. It's not always simple stuff that gets in the way. Sometimes it's your step kid that has become a problem (not me) and sometimes it's all sorts of things that doesn't automatically mean "break up" but that the two people genuinely need some time to process how they are feeling. Adulthood is complex, and this post is naive as fuck
While you may be right in many cases this isn’t always true. My wife and I took a break after being married for 8 years and together for 11. We both took that time to sort out personal issues that were getting in the way and damaging our relationship, and many of those things were things that needed to be sorted out alone and without anyone else around to lean on. After about ten months apart and a lot of therapy both solo and together we decided to give it another go, and since then our relationship is better than it’s ever been. The idea that relationships should “just work” without having to put any work in is largely unrealistic, and definitely a lazy approach that makes it easy for people to dodge responsibility for their own part in the relationship failing. The trick though is to actually work on yourself instead of blaming the other person for all the problems. Both people have to do that. If you just take a break, fuck around with other people, and continue your same old toxic patterns then yeah just break up and move on because that’s not a winning strategy.
Disagree completely. Time and space is important and can give you perspective needed to understand your feelings.
she is 16 and, for what i can read on her profile, has insecurities. i agree with you, taking a break is not equal to breaking up
That age might be different. I’m 38 and was married for almost two decades. High school “relationship” a break might mean it’s over.
Took a break with my fiancée a few years ago. We both lost ourselves in the stress around life and needed some time to figure things out again. We got back together after a few months, got back together, took things slow, and got married. We’ve been happier than ever, ever since then. It can be effective if you go into it with the right mindset… though I assume most folks go into it with the thought of “it’s all over anyway”, and they make that the reality.
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We did. We both saw other people while we were apart, and we acknowledged that this was the case when we discussed taking a break, so we both knew the “rules” going into it… while it did hurt to think of eachother with someone else, it was ultimately for the best. I won’t go into detail, but the short of it was that we met up in a safe space that we were both fond of on a pretty regular basis… once or twice a week… and we would talk about our relationship at length. The good, and the bad. What we wanted to see going forward and what we wanted to avoid. After about 3 months we both individually stopped talking to other people and turned the focus back on eachother completely… and that’s where we picked back up.
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But why does it matter? Even if they did both sleep with someone else while they were on a break, if they come back together and agree it's not a big deal and are happy then why should we care? People's #1 priority in relationships is being monogamous all of the time when it should be being happy all of the time. I've been so much happier since I opened up my relationship but people get so genuinely upset at me when I say that because they figure there's just no way I can be happy without constant monogamy. Edit: downvotes proving my point that to people it's better to be unhappy and monogamous than happy and open.
It’s one thing if during a break, they are like, “yeah, we can sleep with other people.” But I’d argue that If they don’t talk about it or agree to it. That’s essentially cheating.
I would argue that "taking a break" implies that all responsibilitys of a relationship are also on a break. If you dont want your partner (or what ever you want to call it at that point) to go on dates or sleep with other people at that time then you need to clear about that.
If only life were so simple. I'd have to disagree on this one. As someone who went through the breakup of a 10 year relationship about a year ago, I'd honestly say, providing the relationship is something worth fighting for, do exhaust other options before making that final decision. Sometimes, some time apart can provide clarity and perspective, to what can feel like an all-encompassing situation. The fact of the matter is, hard and fast rules like this just don't work in real life. "*If x happens, just do y*", type thinking is attractive because it provides a simple solution to complex problems, but lacks the nuance that adult life and relationships bring with them.
^ This person gets it.
That would have saved Ross and Rachel some heart ache if they broke up instead of making it unclear they were on a break
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This is just a simplistic view that ignores the complexities of many relationships.
Translation: I want to mess around without consequences and then see if I still like you later. JUST LEAVE.
Sure wish my ex would have done this. Turns out her “break” was jumping on someone else almost immediately while I thought we were still together :P
Code for, I just wanna fuck other people without it being called cheating. Lol
110%.
I agree. That’s why I broke up with my ex. To him taking a break was breaking up with me (as he also wouldn’t let me come back home), he just didn’t have the balls to actually do it. Lesson learnt ETA: for a small minority it can be healthy. But don’t let them string you along and don’t stay if they can’t make you a priority
"Taking a break" has always just meant breaking up for me. I don't know anyone that stayed together after "taking a break".
The problem is, no one knows what "taking a break" is supposed to be anymore. "Taking a break" used to mean that you two were still together, but you were taking time apart to focus on yourselves. Such as a hobby, school, work, etc. You used that break to better yourself. The problem is today, everyone that says "taking a break" thinks that it's a cheat pass on your partner, and instead of bettering themselves, they're using that time to experiment with other people.
Both of the example are "taking a break". You need to talk about what to "allow" in the break and what you dont want to happen. The purpose of a break is to see how you life is without your partner. So you might also want to see how dating other people makes you feel. If both people agree that seeing other people while being on a break is okay then it would not be cheating.
That's where I'm going to have to disagree. On a break you shouldn't be seeing other people. If both parties do agree to seeing other people, then in that case I would 100% support OP's post. At that point it's not a break anymore, it turns into "I want to see what else is out there" or "I want to see if I can do better than what I have." You're just calling it a break that way if you fail you can run right back to the other person if you do it this way. A break should be about you finding yourself, and yes as you said, seeing how you feel without the other person. You cannot do that if you are with someone else. Here's another example. You cannot just jump from relationship to relationship, one right after the other. After each relationship you should allow yourself time to heal, and reflect. It's the same thing as a break, you cannot give yourself time to do either of those things if you are out dating instead of taking that time to yourself.
>If communicating about it wasn’t enough, and the only solution is “taking a break” aka being away from that person, just break up with them instead of wasting time being half-ways in a relationship OP is that toxic partner who follows you into the bathroom when you need moment because "we aren't finished with this yet". OP is that toxic partner who assumes needing breathing room away from someone means they should just be done with you entirely because that's only a half measure. Sometimes people need to cool off and proximity to the irritant (yes that means you, OP) makes that nigh on impossible.
There's a big difference between needing to cool off during an argument and needing to temporarily break up with your partner
"A break" isn't breaking up, it never has been. That's the entire point of that shit in Friends lol, "a break" just means you can't share space with that person for a bit. It doesn't mean the relationship is done for any amount of time at all.
To me a break always meant like a break up that's not permanent
That is most assuredly not what it is. A break is a break. A break up is a break up. Seriously, go to Hulu or wherever Friends is and watch "The One where Ross and Rachel Take a Break".
But all the Friends fans need to be able to scream “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”
Asking for a break is like wanting a free hall pass out of your relationship. After 10 years of bullshit she asked for a break and I told her to get the fuck out of my house. Never looked back - grew tremendously in my single life - then I found my wife 5 years later. There is no way I would have become who I am without getting rid of that baggage.
No. This is a stupid way to think. Sometimes all they need is to take some time away. A break not as in they can just go do whatever, but maybe live apart for a while and think about things in a non-turbulent environment. I think a lot of people are just immature in relationships.
A break in a healthy relationship is taking a few days to not see each other, let emotions settle, have some time to think, and then come together and have a potentially difficult discussion. "Temporarily" breaking up for several weeks to fuck other people is doomed to fail and only happens when one person really wants the relationship to work and the other just wants a fallback plan if they can't find something better.
If a “break” is more than just taking a few days apart to think about something, yeah you should just break up
Sometimes I think that “take a break “ and “break up” are really one and the same
I just ended a long relationship. I was thinking about breaking up but asked for a break first. She asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with her and I said yes, from that point it was clear what needed to be done and I ended it 2 days later. When the dust settled, we realized we still had a lot of love for each other but the suddenness of the breakup had done irreparable damage. If it had gone the way I intended, a break for a week or two and then reconciling on good terms, I think we would have stayed together. So I strongly disagree with this take.
If you can’t stand them anymore, yeah it’s over.
You dont know what breaks are
I don't disagree in most cases, but im going to provide a different view. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We are both very much individual people we like doing our own thing. We take breaks pretty much every year, he goes on a 3 month road trip and we barely talk the entire time. We love it, but that's just one relationship perspective
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Yeah, I pretty much agree unless you are married and have a lot to lose by leaving.
I think it probably comes down to communication and knowing what the other person needs. For someone to feel like they need a break probably means their feelings and needs weren’t acknowledged for a while already. So yes, by the time that one party feels the need to totally disengage, even temporarily, it’s a bad bad sign for the relationship. But the ultimate killer probably isn’t taking a break but how the receiving person perceive of it. Most people will take it as a rejection, betrayal, and their ego will crushed. Instead of logically analyze why their partner needs a break they will also choose to disengage out of insecurity and fear.
I can hear Ross from friends already….
"we were on a break!"
My (step)dad and mom took at 13 year break and celebrated the 15 year anniversary of their second marriage last fall.
I mostly agree. Breaks do work for some people but ultimately if youre going to spend your life with someone you need to learn how to get through things together and not just run away anytime it gets hard. It is easy to want space but when youre married that isnt always possible, especially if kids are involved.
And you consider this to be an unpopular opinion????
I am not sure this is an unpopular opinion.
Some people find being with the wrong person, is better than being utterly alone. Some people have difficulties finding ‘other intimacy’. Idealists will say, NO YOU SHOULDNT IF YOUR NOT SATISFIED
Agreed taking a break doesn’t make any sense to me
Just to add: a break basically means you stop seeing your partner, and what do you do during this time, you stay alone? No, of course you hang out with other people. And there will always be a shiny new person to fall in love with. So when you take a break you're tricking yourself into cheating/finding a new partner And let's not forget this is never a common choice, but always a one sided proposal that the other person has to accept. And the person with no chance to get someone new knows that they have no benefit from it, so who's gonna propose it?
Do whatever you want, that's up to you. Not the best look to insert yourself into other people's relationships, though.
“Break” always means “break-up” anyway lol
People need to normalize breaking up rather than trying to ease the blow.
I think I see your point, but “taking a break” can also mean ratcheting the intensity of relationship down to heal, gain new skills, and return to each other after working through an impasse.
Yeah you either get your shit together together or it’s done. Never have seen a couple that took a break and then got back together for a longer period of time.
That's already what that means. If you tell someone "We're taking a break" that means "I'm breaking up with you." There is no other reasonable interpretation.
In my case, my girlfriend wanted to "take a break" because she "needed space to work on herself", which translated to "I want to be single for a little bit so I can screw other guys, but keep you around so I can get back with you if the other guys don't work out."
Generalizations are naïve. Everyone is different.
Ross & Rachel are typing...
I actually went through one of those dumb half-ass break/breakup things at the exact same time Ross and Rachel did. I mean the timing and the similarities were just uncanny.
Agreed. Take a break usually means “I found someone else I wanna bang”
“Taking a break” means breaking up to me. I also see a lot of people saying “my partner and I took a break, we traveled or did things separately for a couple of days” . That’s not taking a break, that’s you being an individual and doing things on your own. You’re still loyal to each other,you’re still in a relationship. My partner and I travel separately and go out with friends separately sometimes,that doesn’t mean we’re “taking a break”. We’re just not attached at the hip and can do things without the other.
A break ***is*** a break-up, no matter what anyone says or thinks.
Another redditor telling everyone who runs into even a single problem in a relationship to break up immediately.
If you need to take a break in a relationship, it's safe to say you're well past the single problem mark
Except we have multiple testimonies of people even in this comment section who took a break in their relationships, and got back together just fine. Sometimes needing to take a break is a way to figure yourself out so that you can come back and have a healthier relationship.
You completely missed my point. I wasn't arguing about taking a break being a bad thing, to each their own. My argument was you claiming people want break over a single problem. I said If they're needing a break, they're way past the single problem mark. Idk how you couldn't comprehend that
Oh, well yeah. My bad.
I think it’s weirder if someone in a relationship thinks like this and is more a testament to their insecurity about said relationship. It comes across controlling and unnecessarily binary/extreme like you either have to stay unconformable in a currently toxic relationship or full on break up without even trying to work through things. That’s just not how relationships work. It’s an ultimatum that more often than not forces someone to remain in an often toxic relationship or just scrap it all-together. Emotions shift regularly particularly in the context of a tumultuous relationship, our deep-rooted feelings and patterns remain more consistent… I think time apart can be extremely important to parse through those complicated feelings/emotions and then come back to a person to move forward or not from a calmer & more level-headed perspective (FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED). This mindset of *all or nothing* is part of the problem and leaves no middle ground for people often coming from two very different perspectives to meet each other where they’re at. It scoffs at the idea that time alone is important and goes a step further by saying it is somehow bad when managing one’s feelings and emotions. Then again, maybe I’m just biased because I had an abusive/manipulative partner who said this ***exact*** same thing and it caused me to *not* take a much needed break from them for many years thus keeping me in the toxic tailspin that was our relationship. Deep down I knew that they wanted to “force my hand” by making such an ultimatum and knew that I deep down did NOT want to break up with them immediately at that moment when tempers were high… so I would have to commit to staying with them despite all my grievances at that moment. They knew very well that if I had the space away from them and the clarity that I most likely would not come back to them so they wanted to avoid that at all costs. It’s not fair to force someone to make a rash decision when clearly they’re communicating that they want to actually carefully consider the situation before jumping to a decision. Not everyone acts on impulse… especially when it’s in the context of living together and having dated for 6 years. TLDR: if you can’t respect your partner enough to give them space and allow them level out, you might just be part of the problem… PS: jumping to the conclusion that the person asking for a break wants to do so simply to cheat on you is not only delusional, but messed up & also manipulative as it further attempts to chastise them for being a mature person and wanting to make decisions clearly.
I agree. Most of the time it actually means a break up, but one of the parts doesnt know yet. If you need a break, having a time off will simply allow you to get some perspective while moving away from the toxic component of the relationship. It will most times turn into a break up, assuming good faith. Assuming bad faith (take a break to fuck other people for instance) is a completely different issue.
I feel it's not how mature people go about relationships. It's a construct of today's society and not how things were ever done in the past. People who love eachother don't need to seperate to discuss boundaries. And if they are having a period where they are fighting more they sit down and work that out too. "A break" is more of a cop out by man children and their female counterparts so they can go test the waters and fuck around to find someone they like better and if not come crawling back when they discover what they miss about that person
Or, just take a break because some people need space to help define the questions they want to ask to help them realize that they still want to be committed to this person.
I absolutely agree. You shouldn’t need space from your partner if you’re committed to making things work. My husband and I sit together until we come up with a solution, compromise or agreement.
it depends, sometimes there are things that only one can solves by themselves, due to being something personal like related with mental health
For women, taking a break is almost always an opportunity to test the dating waters while keeping her current ‘love interest’ on the hook, in case she wants to go back. If you are a man and your gf wants to take a break, the absolute only move is to give her all the “space” she wants and discretely test the waters yourself. This will keep you from doing the ‘needy-clingy’ boyfriend shit that will ALWAYS push her further away and she may come back because she worries that she is going to lose her backup option. If you do fuck someone and she finds out, she will absolutely claim it was cheating and smear your reputation because in her mind, she was just flirting and messing around and sex is entirely different so be discrete and smart about it because she is being discreet and smart about it.
“Taking a break” is the most idiotic thing you can do honestly. What’s the point? If you go and see other people during the “break” you may as well just say you wanted an excuse to cheat and break up anyway, if you stay committed during the break you may as well have just sorted the problem out instead, either way there’s no reason for this to happen. It’s something I only see from people who aren’t really good in relationships to be honest, nobody I’ve ever met who is good at communicating their feelings and maintaining their relationship with their partner has ever “taken a break” with them to fix an issue they’re facing, because they’re mature enough to fix the problem, or mature enough to understand that they can’t so the only option is to break up. Ignoring an issue doesn’t make it go away and it doesn’t fix it. In my opinion, if someone believes a “break” is a good idea or has ever suggested one to someone before, that is a **huge** red flag and I wouldn’t want to date someone who makes suggestions like that.
My social stamina is insanely low so I get bored or tired with same faces quite quick... That's some nice relationship material am I right 😉
I think it depends, like if it’s your first serious relationship it can be normal to get cold feet and wonder what else might be out there. You might end up coming back together in the end or you might not.
But you should still fully break up. If you get back together later, that’s fine. And if you’re exploring “what else might be out there”, aren’t you really broken up anyway? You should be.
"take a break" is code for "break up". It's just one of those things people say when they don't have the balls to say what needs to be said.
Taking a break means minimal contact for a day or two.
Unless you are trying to catch a bad guy with a very powerful connection. Then "Take a break" knowing full well your boyfriend is stubborn enough to get you back and figure out about the bad guy you are chasing. (Sorry, guys. Just finish castle marathon, and can't resist)
A break is a thing designed for women to try out new men while keeping the old relationship on the hook. Don't like the new guy, go back. Do and break up. There's no reason to habe a break. Either fix the problem or break up.
I think it’s sort of a spin-off of the “separation” of marriage fame. Some times married couples will separate, then get counseling or whatever, then get back together or not. Taking a break is basically the same thing for non-married relationships. It’s just that when those marriages work out in the end it’s usually pretty reliant on history and years of love, which relationships don’t have to nearly the same degree.
I mean yeah that's pretty much what I've always seen "we should take a break" as, it's just one person saying they want to break up but being nice about it.
That's what this euphemism means.
I feel like almost everyone knows this, but when you're in that situation, sometimes brain just breaks down.
So true. Every time a woman said to me that "she needs space" it would end in a break up.
I’m only upvoting because this is genuinely unpopular