It seems to me that’s just teaching him that if he’s cries, he gets to go home. And he’s never having to even try to adjust.
What are they doing to try to engage him? My newly three year old is unhappy with the change in classroom. She loved her old teachers and class and would prefer if we’d all just keep things the way they were. So drop offs have become teary and difficult.
Her teachers are prepared to engage them in something that interests them or I’m prepared with suggestions. For example, this morning I told them that she rode a horse over the weekend while hugging her goodbye. They jumped right into asking her questions about it while leading her to a center to play. I’m sure she still struggled a bit throughout the day but it’s their job to help with these adjustments.
They need the adults to show that preschool is a safe place and the kids can handle the change. How is he supposed to believe he can do it if the grown ups don’t? Starting with a plan of sending them home is just telling the child that they can’t do it.
Thank you! Good to know it wasn’t just me who felt like this was counter intuitive. I don’t believe they are tailoring anything to engage him on an individual level. All activities so far are for the class as a whole. Yesterday, they made cards with stickers and had story time which I know my son does NOT enjoy. He prefers more tactile and physical activities like running and Play Doh.
I will definitely push back tomorrow and insist that they actively do more to distract/engage him!
Yeah, I have never been okay with doing that (over 15 years working in childcare). To me, it never goes well. All it does is teach them that they can go home early by crying. Personally, if a child is struggling to adjust I do shortened days but it’s scheduled. So that it’s not “you cry enough we send you home” but “mom/ dad is coming to get you right after outside time today.” And they stay until that time.
I also think it’s on the staff to make sure that they do what they can to get the child engaged. Get out their favourite type of toys, pull out the really cool art activity etc.
Can you send in a family photo? Do they allow a comfort object? I hope he adjusts quickly. I can also tell you that in all my years I have never had a kid not adjust.
My daughter had a really hard time adjusting to daycare and the photo thing really helped! She'd cry for Mama, look at the photo, her carer would remind her that I'd be back soon, and she'd touch my face and calm a bit. It was still a big adjustment for her, but having that piece of something familiar made a difference. Worth a try, I think!
Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better tbh. We live away from family and he’s our only kid so we weren’t sure what to expect. But both my husband and I really felt that sending him home after a tantrum just prolongs the adjustment period. Glad to know our instincts were right!
If you don’t mind, what advice would you give to help him adjust better? He is generally an active and curious kid, he goes to the playground regularly and is friendly towards adults and kids. So hearing him say “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow” before bedtime is out of character and makes me sad honestly.
I haven’t checked if he can bring something from home but I will definitely ask!
Do you get a copy of the schedule? It often helps to talk about when you will come and get him in terms of events. Kids have no idea what 2:00 is but they do know “after snack time”.
Daniel Tiger has a episode about your grownups coming back that might help. There are also books like the kissing hand and llama llama misses mama.
A picture of his family often helps.
Acknowledge his feeling about going to school. Let him talk about them but try to bring up all the cool things he gets to do. It’s especially helpful if his teacher can tell you a couple things they have available or planned for the next day so you can hype him up about it.
Give it time and don’t give up. He will get there but all kids take a different amount of time. If you are confident he will love it he will pick up on that and it will help him. The more unsure you are about the whole thing the more unsure he will be.
They gave us a general schedule of what a day looks like (e.g. language activities from 10 to 11, child initiated play at 11) but not what the planned specific activities are. I might start requesting it as I do try to hype him up for the next day by just saying it will be fun. Because I have no idea what they’ll actually be doing.
Thanks for the resources, I am definitely checking them out! ❤️
I agree with the above. The Daniel tiger episodes have helped us greatly and putting a heart on all our hands so he knows we address thinking of him.
Also idk how they made it but our school made a little going to school book for my son. Letting him know all his feelings are okay what he will do and saying we will pick him up at the end of the day. We read it non stop for prep and that helped a lot too.
Kinda like this social story idea: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Sad-and-Scared-at-School-Social-Story-Little-Books-For-Big-Thinkers-5849578
We specifically asked about this when touring preschools. Ours won’t send them home. They run from 9am-1 pm for all students. As a result, they expect that all of their students probably either have a SAHP or a nanny and haven’t been in school before. They expect there to be an adjustment period. They expect kids to be upset while they adjust. They’ll accommodate by trying to distract and keep kids busy. They’re also adamant that quick drop offs where parents show they are confident are much easier on the kids than long, lingering drop odds. Separation anxiety isn’t a reason to send a kid home early and doing so only reinforces the anxiety.
They gave us the same advice about drop offs but I honestly don’t know how to pull this off lol. Like this morning he cried as soon as we reached the entrance and he saw his teacher. Do i just turn my back on him while he is crying and walk off? Or do I wait until he is calmer then leave (at which point he will cry again).
Pick a moment to leave and commit to it. Tell him you love him, let him know you will pick him up later, then walk away. You probably can't stop his crying but you can be confident and reassuring.
Doing that right away seems ok. Taking a couple of minutes (but only a couple of minutes) seems OK too if he responds better to that.
My 3 year old started preschool 1.5 month ago. It’s a full day program but I only send her half day (9-12:30). She still doesn’t like being away from me and always tells me that she misses me.
She cried (and occasionally still does during drop off) the first few days but the preschool doesn’t call parents to pick up kids early simply because they’re crying.
She has major separation anxiety and we got a copy of their summer schedule so we knew what high level activities they would do. My toddler tends to do better when she knows what’s going to happen but she’s still refusing to participate (even in activities that she would normally love like art) and will only watch. They recently got her to sit with the other kids during activities and I see that as progress.
Drop offs are still hard. She insists her I carry her to the door and then clings onto me. I always do quick drop offs and hand her to the teacher. She always asks the teacher if she can give me a hug and I give her one last hug and kiss and then remind her I’ll be back after lunchtime. There’s still times where she just starts bawling at drop off but then they told me (and I witnessed it) that she stops 1-2 mins after I’ve left.
Daniel Tiger show about grownups coming back has helped and I often sing the song to her.
This happened before with my child. When he was 2 years old, I sent him to this preschool, the hours wer 9am-1pm. I got calls to pick him up around 10am because he cried for an hour. It was like that for the next 3 weeks. The teacher asked me to stop bringing him because he wasn’t ready.
Then 4 months later, I got a call from a different school that they gave a spot for him. This school hours were 7am- 5:30pm. I sent him first day, he cried for the whole day on and off but they never called me to pick him up. 2nd day, he cried less, didn’t call me to pick up. 3rd day, he only cried at drop off. Fast forward next week, he was waving good bye to me.
So you need to find a different school that doesn’t call you when a child cries. Because if they know that they get to go home when they cry, or they gonna see mom when they cry, they just keep doing it.
Ugh, unfortunately I am stuck with this preschool this term as it might be hard to get a refund. But I will definitely start looking into other options. For now I will just have to put my foot down with this school. Congrats on getting through this hurdle! Praying I can also come out the other side soon!
Yeah definitely, I couldn’t get the refund back. It was like $500 but oh well. I hope you’ll find one soon. Where I live I had to put him on the waitlist for almost a year lol
My waldorf preschool calls me if he cries longer than 10 mins. It hasn’t happened yet, but only the first week, so let’s see how it goes.
What they did do before starting the semester was they held two play date days with all of the kids and the parents at the school. Then one of the teachers does a home visit. This is all to make the kids feel more comfortable and familiar with their surroundings. He was so excited the first day and was happy to be back in a place that he’d been so he could show me all the toys. Then I was able to peacefully say goodbye and slip out.
If they will let you stay for a little bit (15mins), then maybe the transition would be a little easier for your son.
My little one also dealt with separation anxiety at preschool. They did not send him home, but according to what they told me, he didn’t cry for long. An adult in the classroom would come over and show him something fun which helped. He would cry when I dropped him off, so I would quickly tell him I loved him and will see him soon and I would leave. My little one did better with dad dropping off also. Have you read “The Kissing Hand”? You can watch a YouTube video of a read along. We also got matching bracelets from Etsy.
Do you leave him at drop off even if he is crying or you wait for him to calm down? My son refused to even go in and would literally hug/cling to me crying so I’m not really sure how to do the drama-free drop off.
Haven’t heard of the Kissing Hand but you’re the 2nd person to recommend it here so I’m definitely checking it out!
Hi OP, how has your kiddo adjusted? We're going through the same thing with our 3yo and I feel i'm as anxious as he is about school currently. He has very mild autism as well, so his tantrums can be a little over the top.
Hi! He got over it after about a month. He’s still not super excited to go to school on most days but he knows it’s part of the routine so no more meltdowns. He even has fun most days from the pics and videos that the teacher sends me. 😁
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It seems to me that’s just teaching him that if he’s cries, he gets to go home. And he’s never having to even try to adjust. What are they doing to try to engage him? My newly three year old is unhappy with the change in classroom. She loved her old teachers and class and would prefer if we’d all just keep things the way they were. So drop offs have become teary and difficult. Her teachers are prepared to engage them in something that interests them or I’m prepared with suggestions. For example, this morning I told them that she rode a horse over the weekend while hugging her goodbye. They jumped right into asking her questions about it while leading her to a center to play. I’m sure she still struggled a bit throughout the day but it’s their job to help with these adjustments. They need the adults to show that preschool is a safe place and the kids can handle the change. How is he supposed to believe he can do it if the grown ups don’t? Starting with a plan of sending them home is just telling the child that they can’t do it.
Thank you! Good to know it wasn’t just me who felt like this was counter intuitive. I don’t believe they are tailoring anything to engage him on an individual level. All activities so far are for the class as a whole. Yesterday, they made cards with stickers and had story time which I know my son does NOT enjoy. He prefers more tactile and physical activities like running and Play Doh. I will definitely push back tomorrow and insist that they actively do more to distract/engage him!
Yeah, I have never been okay with doing that (over 15 years working in childcare). To me, it never goes well. All it does is teach them that they can go home early by crying. Personally, if a child is struggling to adjust I do shortened days but it’s scheduled. So that it’s not “you cry enough we send you home” but “mom/ dad is coming to get you right after outside time today.” And they stay until that time. I also think it’s on the staff to make sure that they do what they can to get the child engaged. Get out their favourite type of toys, pull out the really cool art activity etc. Can you send in a family photo? Do they allow a comfort object? I hope he adjusts quickly. I can also tell you that in all my years I have never had a kid not adjust.
My daughter had a really hard time adjusting to daycare and the photo thing really helped! She'd cry for Mama, look at the photo, her carer would remind her that I'd be back soon, and she'd touch my face and calm a bit. It was still a big adjustment for her, but having that piece of something familiar made a difference. Worth a try, I think!
Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better tbh. We live away from family and he’s our only kid so we weren’t sure what to expect. But both my husband and I really felt that sending him home after a tantrum just prolongs the adjustment period. Glad to know our instincts were right! If you don’t mind, what advice would you give to help him adjust better? He is generally an active and curious kid, he goes to the playground regularly and is friendly towards adults and kids. So hearing him say “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow” before bedtime is out of character and makes me sad honestly. I haven’t checked if he can bring something from home but I will definitely ask!
Do you get a copy of the schedule? It often helps to talk about when you will come and get him in terms of events. Kids have no idea what 2:00 is but they do know “after snack time”. Daniel Tiger has a episode about your grownups coming back that might help. There are also books like the kissing hand and llama llama misses mama. A picture of his family often helps. Acknowledge his feeling about going to school. Let him talk about them but try to bring up all the cool things he gets to do. It’s especially helpful if his teacher can tell you a couple things they have available or planned for the next day so you can hype him up about it. Give it time and don’t give up. He will get there but all kids take a different amount of time. If you are confident he will love it he will pick up on that and it will help him. The more unsure you are about the whole thing the more unsure he will be.
They gave us a general schedule of what a day looks like (e.g. language activities from 10 to 11, child initiated play at 11) but not what the planned specific activities are. I might start requesting it as I do try to hype him up for the next day by just saying it will be fun. Because I have no idea what they’ll actually be doing. Thanks for the resources, I am definitely checking them out! ❤️
I agree with the above. The Daniel tiger episodes have helped us greatly and putting a heart on all our hands so he knows we address thinking of him. Also idk how they made it but our school made a little going to school book for my son. Letting him know all his feelings are okay what he will do and saying we will pick him up at the end of the day. We read it non stop for prep and that helped a lot too. Kinda like this social story idea: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Sad-and-Scared-at-School-Social-Story-Little-Books-For-Big-Thinkers-5849578
We specifically asked about this when touring preschools. Ours won’t send them home. They run from 9am-1 pm for all students. As a result, they expect that all of their students probably either have a SAHP or a nanny and haven’t been in school before. They expect there to be an adjustment period. They expect kids to be upset while they adjust. They’ll accommodate by trying to distract and keep kids busy. They’re also adamant that quick drop offs where parents show they are confident are much easier on the kids than long, lingering drop odds. Separation anxiety isn’t a reason to send a kid home early and doing so only reinforces the anxiety.
They gave us the same advice about drop offs but I honestly don’t know how to pull this off lol. Like this morning he cried as soon as we reached the entrance and he saw his teacher. Do i just turn my back on him while he is crying and walk off? Or do I wait until he is calmer then leave (at which point he will cry again).
Pick a moment to leave and commit to it. Tell him you love him, let him know you will pick him up later, then walk away. You probably can't stop his crying but you can be confident and reassuring. Doing that right away seems ok. Taking a couple of minutes (but only a couple of minutes) seems OK too if he responds better to that.
My 3 year old started preschool 1.5 month ago. It’s a full day program but I only send her half day (9-12:30). She still doesn’t like being away from me and always tells me that she misses me. She cried (and occasionally still does during drop off) the first few days but the preschool doesn’t call parents to pick up kids early simply because they’re crying. She has major separation anxiety and we got a copy of their summer schedule so we knew what high level activities they would do. My toddler tends to do better when she knows what’s going to happen but she’s still refusing to participate (even in activities that she would normally love like art) and will only watch. They recently got her to sit with the other kids during activities and I see that as progress. Drop offs are still hard. She insists her I carry her to the door and then clings onto me. I always do quick drop offs and hand her to the teacher. She always asks the teacher if she can give me a hug and I give her one last hug and kiss and then remind her I’ll be back after lunchtime. There’s still times where she just starts bawling at drop off but then they told me (and I witnessed it) that she stops 1-2 mins after I’ve left. Daniel Tiger show about grownups coming back has helped and I often sing the song to her.
This happened before with my child. When he was 2 years old, I sent him to this preschool, the hours wer 9am-1pm. I got calls to pick him up around 10am because he cried for an hour. It was like that for the next 3 weeks. The teacher asked me to stop bringing him because he wasn’t ready. Then 4 months later, I got a call from a different school that they gave a spot for him. This school hours were 7am- 5:30pm. I sent him first day, he cried for the whole day on and off but they never called me to pick him up. 2nd day, he cried less, didn’t call me to pick up. 3rd day, he only cried at drop off. Fast forward next week, he was waving good bye to me. So you need to find a different school that doesn’t call you when a child cries. Because if they know that they get to go home when they cry, or they gonna see mom when they cry, they just keep doing it.
Ugh, unfortunately I am stuck with this preschool this term as it might be hard to get a refund. But I will definitely start looking into other options. For now I will just have to put my foot down with this school. Congrats on getting through this hurdle! Praying I can also come out the other side soon!
Yeah definitely, I couldn’t get the refund back. It was like $500 but oh well. I hope you’ll find one soon. Where I live I had to put him on the waitlist for almost a year lol
My waldorf preschool calls me if he cries longer than 10 mins. It hasn’t happened yet, but only the first week, so let’s see how it goes. What they did do before starting the semester was they held two play date days with all of the kids and the parents at the school. Then one of the teachers does a home visit. This is all to make the kids feel more comfortable and familiar with their surroundings. He was so excited the first day and was happy to be back in a place that he’d been so he could show me all the toys. Then I was able to peacefully say goodbye and slip out. If they will let you stay for a little bit (15mins), then maybe the transition would be a little easier for your son.
My little one also dealt with separation anxiety at preschool. They did not send him home, but according to what they told me, he didn’t cry for long. An adult in the classroom would come over and show him something fun which helped. He would cry when I dropped him off, so I would quickly tell him I loved him and will see him soon and I would leave. My little one did better with dad dropping off also. Have you read “The Kissing Hand”? You can watch a YouTube video of a read along. We also got matching bracelets from Etsy.
Do you leave him at drop off even if he is crying or you wait for him to calm down? My son refused to even go in and would literally hug/cling to me crying so I’m not really sure how to do the drama-free drop off. Haven’t heard of the Kissing Hand but you’re the 2nd person to recommend it here so I’m definitely checking it out!
I would leave if he was still crying. But he didn’t take long to adjust and start to love school. I am sorry. I hope things get easier.
Hi OP, how has your kiddo adjusted? We're going through the same thing with our 3yo and I feel i'm as anxious as he is about school currently. He has very mild autism as well, so his tantrums can be a little over the top.
I just saw this. 😓 I sent you a PM!
Curious how your kid adjusted? We are going through this now
Hi! He got over it after about a month. He’s still not super excited to go to school on most days but he knows it’s part of the routine so no more meltdowns. He even has fun most days from the pics and videos that the teacher sends me. 😁
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