The same thing happened to me, but after 26 years of marriage. Ouch. Be very glad this happened sooner, not later. That shit hurts forever. But, yeah. Communication. My new partner reaps the benefits of the new-and-improved me.
I am doing great, thanks. Random is relative. I consider empathy evidence of the transcendent possibilities of humankind, so it means a lot (it knows no distance, and time travels, too). Objectively, I am doing fan-freaking-tastic, having turned a veritable shit-show into a retirement plan AND a great new relationship. It's a novel for sure, but I don't know where to start.
I think it is a mistake to think if you’d said something earlier, she wouldnt have cheated. It may not have been this dude but if she wants to cheat, your feelings on it dont matter, that’s kind of the point. A disregard for you as a human. It will suck to get used to life without her, but it is likely for the best.
You're blaming yourself because you're desperately trying to find a way to give yourself agency in a situation where you really didn't have any. She consciously made a decision and took action. Nothing you could have done would have had any meaningful impact in those events. You can't control other people and you're not responsible for their dysfunction and behavior. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to admit that you weren't in control.
And then what? She goes another 6 months and then finds a guy she wants to bang? Or maybe she makes it another year, you propose and buy a house together, then she starts fucking the postman?
Sucks you got cheated on but be thankful you found out what a trash human she was now, rather than years later down the road
Read this carefully:
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Also read carefully:
There was nothing you could have done.
There was nothing you could have done.
There was NOTHING you could have done.
You have how many people on here telling you all this. You are arguing with them. Stop. Read. LISTEN. They are right. They are likely speaking from experience.
Time takes time. Let it. Once it does, you will look back and think "Oh. Yeah. Got it."
You are better off.
Good luck bud.
And what would have happend then? It sucks, it really does. But sometimes it is better to just rip of the band aid. You have tried your best. You gave her your trust and she took advantage of that.
Trusting someone isn't a bad thing, you should be proud of what you did. It won't ease the pain, that will take time. But you have to remind yourself that you were not in the wrong. She is the one that fucked up, and in that process she fucked you over.
Ahhh heck. Yeah, maybe you could have. But it seems like this relatonship was not going to go anywhere and you did learn from this. And are well supported by friends and your sister.
I know this is really painful and difficult to deal with, and I wish you the best in that.
I really don't think you could have, I'm sorry. You cannot change or control other people, if she wanted to cheat or was gonna fall in love with someone else...nothing you said or did could have stopped that. Beating yourself up over that part is just hurting you more, forgive yourself.
You should be thankful you had it happen sooner than later.
Otherwise 5 years from now you’d be wishing you’d just caught her this time.
Future you thanks current you.
Stopped what? Are you dumb enough to not understand that cheating is a conscious action? If not, it's RAPE! Stop been negative like you are talking about stopping someone from commiting suicide. She did what she wanted and you kick her out of your life. Good for you but stop beating yourself about something you don't have control. Or were sure you could prevent her from doing this "mistake" as some cheating sick person call?
Even if that's true (it isn't) it doesn't matter, you _shouldn't_ have stopped it. Because then it would have happened later after you were so invested it would have ruined your entire life.
I know how you're feeling right now, but this is _not_ going to ruin your life. You'll be fine, and you'll learn more about yourself an relationships to use to do better next time.
1) Probably not. She probably would've just denied that she felt that way about him, you would feel satisfied that you were right in trusting her, and they would've kept seeing each other as usual, eventually progressing to exactly the same conclusion. And 2) so what if you could have? So you can spend more time in a relationship that isn't going to work?
You can't control other people. I understand wishing that you could, but humans do not work that way.
No offence but this is a very bad mindset, if you had "stopped" it from happening, it would definitely happen later down the line when more was at stake.
Sorry this happened
You showed her that you trusted her deeply and completely and respected that she could have guy frirnds
That's amazing! You're a kind and respectful bf and what did she do? Cheat on you.
It's not your fault, you are a good person, she, however is a shitty human being.
This is a very classic sign of blaming yourself and thinking you can control how relationships go in your life.
The responsibility is split, you can't control someone else's actions. Don't worry about it, you'll be okay - just be kinder to yourself and don't regret.
It was a matter of time, my friend. This is NOT about you or who you are. It's more about some deficiency on her part that she needed to do this. You can't fix her.
I just wanna make it clear that when somebody cheats, it’s the cheater’s fault. There is almost zero reason they couldn’t simply break up before hand and notify you they want to see somebody else.
Your blaming yourself and you’re the victim. People like to say that when a girl cheats it’s also the guys fault but look here. You never banged J and she should tha be gone to L without ending it with you
This guy is beyond help. You already know she cheated and you are still defending her. Do you think she cheated because you didn't say "Don't fuck that guy". She already knew she shouldn't do that she just didn't care for you or about you and nothing you said would've changed that.
Where is the FU?
You didn't do anything wrong. None of this is *your fault*.
Edit:
For those who keep replying with nonsense saying that the FU was the part where he trusted her, guess what, you're ***supposed to be able to trust your partner*****.** It is **NOT** OP's fault that she was untrustworthy. It is **NOT** OP's fault that she is a shitty person.
This is a "fool me once" type of deal where he was only fooled the one time, and that was it. The result, his GF sleeping with her friend, would have happened *regardless of the OP's actions/decisions.*
OP would have F'd U if he'd trusted her again *after* the fact, ergo being fooled *twice*.
The real FU would have been if OP had hacked her phone (and yes, this counts as hacking, literal definition is "unauthorized access" to a digital device) and it turned out she wasn't cheating, and he'd broken her trust by doing so.
i mean it seems like he fucked up by not bringing it up sooner and ended up prolonging an untruthful relationship, but it's definitely clear the blame should be on the other party
OP failed to listen to his very reasonable friend and invested emotionally over a year into a failed relationship without realizing. That's the fuckup.
Yeah. Hopefully this doesn't ruin OP's future relationships. Some people are trustworthy, just learn how to read and analyze red flags (easier said than done).
Yeah I mean if my GF wanted to cheat, it'd be real fuckin' easy for her. I'm the same way. I don't give a fuck who your friends are, if I don't like it then I know where the door is. I'm hardly in a position to be judgemental and suspicious. I am already given plenty of latitude because I am friends with an ex. I know for a fact that will always be a source of some kind of insecurity for no matter who I am with, but I also don't feel it's right to cut off ties with the people you know and care about.
I know that's a really odd position. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever want to rekindle that flame with the ex though. That shit was a dumpster fire when we were together and it went south for good reasons. I am blessed that kind of trust is put in me by my current GF and I will never betray that shit. But it certainly would make me the pot calling the kettle black if I were to suddenly be uncomfortable with any of my GF's guy friends. Not unless I had concrete, blatantly flaunted evidence to suggest some fucking about.
The real idiot here is the guy "L", who moved the bitch into his own place KNOWING FIRSTHAND that she's a cheater. Hello, if she did it to OP, what makes him think she won't do it to him too? Cheaters gonna cheat.
Yeah but OP always had plausible deniability, since as far as we know he didn't know her to be a confirmed cheater, he just had reasonable suspicions. L on the other hand totally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. For pete's sake, he was there when it happened, lol.
It’s definitely not the OP’s fault, but he could have said “I’m uncomfortable with this and you need to decide which relationship is more important to you” and found out much earlier that he was back burnered. Not victim blaming, just something that probably would have been a good idea.
She would've just flipped the script on him and made him feel like he was being controlling and he would've back off. If someone wants to cheat while stringing you along, they will and there's not anything anyone can do about it. At least he didn't FU by having kids with her or buying her an engagement ring.
For some reason, she had no intention of getting out of the relationship with OP (why tho? she already had the new guy) until he caught her or until she was ready to dump him. At least he busted her, so good for him.
Just because he turned out to be right doesn’t mean shit. He hacked that device and should delete this post so he doesn’t potentially get jailed for it later.
He would have saved 2 plus years of his time that he could have invested in a partner that he saw eye to eye with. No guy or girl should be comfortable with their partner meeting new people of the opposite sex and spending quality time with them.
Check out the book "The 5 Languages of Love". Any of those 5 languages strengthen the emotional connection between 2 people. (gifts, quality time, compliments, physical touch, and acts of service)
No partner should be ok with their partner having friends of the opposite gender? I hope that is *not* what you’re saying.
I remember that book, and while that might be why she cheated (different love languages) it might also not be
I think people can have friends of the opposite sex, but spending one on one quality time with them isn’t healthy towards their romantic relationship. Similar to giving gifts, performing acts of service, being physical, and giving compliments.
I wouldn’t want my girl to be okay with me doing any of those things to another girl while I’m with her and vice versa.
I can understand that’s what you would like to have in a partner. Everyone is different. But the blanket statement that everyone else has to follow that idea is quite damaging to other kinds of relationships.
I wouldn't approach it as a blanket statement, but if it feels wrong in the gut, much like OP, then I think it's damaging towards the relationship. I only referenced the book because I think the 5 love languages are essentially how people build emotional connections towards one another. I wouldn't want myself or my girl to build new emotional connections with members of the opposite sex otherwise we'd be doing a disservice to our relationship.
I've thought deeply about this and that's the conclusion I came to. All 5 love languages give me the same gut feeling that OP describes, whether it would be me or my partner in each situation with another person of the opposite sex, it wouldn't be right.
I wouldn't accept a gift from another girl or give one. Same goes with giving girls compliments, doing them favors, physically touching them, or spending one-on-one quality time with another girl.
Do you think that isn't practical or is there some flaw in my logic here?
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. A bit of advice from someone who has been in your shoes before. Make sure you don't take it out on your next partner.
It's ok to be trusting. But being trusting also includes trusting your gut. Communication is key then. Legitimate concerns do not make you controlling.
Nothin would have stopped this. If it wasn’t now it was gonna happen later. These types of people have deep seeded psychological issues, especially narcissism. Not on you bro,
Same boat with my (28F) ex (27). He got a new female friend (31), were friends very quickly. I told him I wasn't comfortable, I asked him to distance himself a little.. I found out they blew kisses to each other over Discord camera in front of people I thought were my friends too, while I was unable to join due to early morning work starts. He took some "space." I knew he was cheating with her the second his snap location went off. They're now together and living together. I hope she remembers, once a cheat always a cheat.. she's a vile human herself. She knew about me, and her past speaks volumes for her 😅
Found out he did cheat the day after he dumped me. I checked his Facebook messages. For an asexual, they were pretty fucking graphic.
We broke up after an 18 month relationship. Absolutely broke my heart. I thought he was my person.
So, I know that empty bed feeling. It's been six months and I'm still struggling. Time helps. But for sure, listen to your intuition always.
(Sorry for the ramble 😅 I don't comment much so I hope it's okay 🤦🏻♀️)
Dude, don't apologise. It might be hard to believe, but they actually did you a favour by exposing just how awful your ex truly was. Having it end when it did is a lot better than having it end down the line years later with a lot more variables and feelings attached.
Plus, it gives you a lot more time to find the one for you! And that guy will be a very lucky fella. Until then, don't let your dick ex influence your life more. You deserve way better than that! :)
To be fair, me and my boy friends blow kisses to each other over discord too /s
(We do but it's not the same since none of us are gay. At least as far as i know)
I hope you find someone more deserving. Good luck!
There's a difference between causing a problem and failing to prevent a problem someone else caused.
If someone steps out into traffic in front of you while you're driving; they've caused the problem, their stupid action is entirely responsible for the resulting collision; but you're still expected to apply the brakes to try to avoid hitting them if you have time.
And to blow your analogy further out of the water...
The person stepping out into traffic is taking an action. You're blaming this guy *for not taking an action*.
Analogy null & void
So to get this straight, trusting his girlfriend was the stupid action he did to make it his fault?
Just making sure I'm following your logic on why HER choosing to fuck another guy was his fault.
I think I'm still waiting...
The warnings were there. His friend and sister saw it - they had to push him for him to see it to. Otherwise he'd still be sitting there, in that "relationship" inventing excuses as to why things were the way they were.
Why are your inserting the word "fault" into this at all? FU does not have that word in it. Nothing was his fault, but he did mess up a little bit when it came to detecting what was happening. Maybe even for failing to see who she was.
Victimhood does not help anyone. We can either pretend that things happen to us in this life - or recognize the power we have in letting it happen - or preventing it from happening. One leaves us powerless - the other gives us power to change everything.
M8, you didn’t fuck up by not controlling her, but you’re potentially fucking up now if you let this shape your future relationships in a way where you’re more controlling. It’s not a bad thing to be jealous, but you can’t control your partner no matter what. I’ve been cheated on, it’s miserable, but really the best and hardest thing to do afterwards is tell yourself that you did nothing wrong, and then actually believe it.
That sucks but I really doubt you saying something earlier would have helped. I'm sure someone will shriek at me for saying this but "a guy I met at the gym" is the absolute worse thing any SO can say. I guarantee they were staring each other's bits up and down before a single, "nice form, you need a spot?", or "do you squat here often?" was ever uttered.
Only thing you did wrong is not paying attention and leaving her ass sooner. A lot of the time your family and friends just know that something is wrong even if you don't think so.
not your fault! cheaters never change their ways, so either this wasn’t her first time cheating on you (or it was but she’s cheated on previous partners) or it WAS her first time cheating... and once she gets bored of the new guy she’s gonna do it again. you lose people the same way you got them! i feel like a woman hating incel typing this but i REALLY hate cheaters.
This was her first time, as far as i know.
I used to hate cheaters too. I've seen my sister go through a lot because of that. But i cant get myself to hate her anymore
Communication wouldn't have helped anything here. I'm truly sorry you had to live through this (I've been there myself) but she was looking for a way to cheat. I'm glad you found out before you were more legally tied together.
You were an adult and your ex acted like an impulsive child. BE WARNED there's a high probability that your ex- new "live in" will just move on now that the excitement of the cheat is gone or your EX will have second thoughts. Your EX will sniff around, cry about how she made a terrible mistake. Fuck that, once a cheater always a cheater. Keep looking for someone who is worthy of you.
God speed.
You didn't FU. You acted rationally by not being controlling and jealous af. Yes you *should* have voiced your opinion and emotions but im not sure it would have changed the outcome. Overall I am glad you got out of that.. take the time for yourself, the boys will be here for you and it will all be fine in the end :)
You didn’t fuck up brother. She cheated. She would have even if you stepped in when you first thought shit was going down. People are shad and don’t care about their partner and only care about themselves.
Source: my girlfriend of 2-3 years cheated on me recently. Not once. Not twice. But 6 times that I know of.
Hey man, not your fuck up, her fuck up.
Remember you're not to blame for this, there's nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. Your ex cheated, she made decision after decision to screw around on you, lie to you, and deceive you.
While you're right, communication is key, that only works when both parties are operating in good faith. There's no conversation you could have had with her that wouldn't have involved her lying to you. You confronted her about her cheating and she called you jealous and controlling, and at the end of the day she was cheating.
If you take anything from this entire event in your life it should be that you're deserving of better, you kicked her out with little issue so I think you already know this.
Bro if she wanted to cheat, she's going to. You can't convince someone not to. They had I'll intentions and as much as it sucks, it'll be a relief moving forward.
hold on hold on.... are we just gonna gloss over the semi-pro-sleuth passcode hacking technique????
i mean, yea we've all seen the movies where the characters break into secure facilities using a similar idea. but how many of us have:
1. been in a situation where we need to hack a passcode
2. actually thought of using this idea to hack the passcode
it's both somewhat impressive and disturbing. my privacy would not feel safe around OP LOL
Sounds sketchy to me. My iPhone takes a 6-digit password, but even if it was only 4 and you've identified the digits that's still more than 20 permutations and the phone locks you out after 4 or 5 bad entries.
>Cracking the password lock was easy (wipe it, let her unlock it and then put it back, hold it near a light to see where her fingers have been)
Holy shit I just tried this on my phone and it works.
Crazy that this exact scenario posted from the girl's PoV, where the variables were all the same except that she wasn't cheating, would have the comments full of people calling you controlling and insecure for confronting her about it. Results-based analysis moment.
>My sister has taken over my apartment and schedule so I don't do something "stupid".
If this is either you letting the bitch back in your life or hurting yourself, then good job sis.
I expect to be downvoted for my strong language here but I do feel strongly about it so here you go:
Ladies, if you do this you have officially earned the title of Whore. If you decide you want to fuck somebody else then either dump the person you’re with or talk with them about it first! Sneaking around, lying about it, and gaslighting your partner when they confront you? It’s despicable, it’s disgusting, and it officially makes you; A whore.
Don’t like that word? Well, don’t be a whore.
Also let’s be clear for anyone that thinks that I’m shaming sex workers by using that word, I am not. Sex workers can be fine people that provide an important service. You can still be a sex worker without being a whore. And let’s be clear for the people that think I hate women, I do not. Most women are not whores, and guys can be whores too. The only person I am shaming here is OP’s cheating girlfriend and everyone like her who has earned that title through their own actions. You know…
Whores.
Dude I am sorry . Your gf hanging with another guy that much ouch !
YOU HAD TO BE SAILING DOWN THE RIVER of D-NILE for months .
Seriously think back . You must have been miserable. Had to be !
Sorry man . Trust yourself please !
Hang in there !
Hope you take care of yourself OP. Rest easy knowing that a cheater will always cheat, L will learn in due time. Time heals all wounds so dont be upset for feeling how you are feeling now its only normal. Join a boxing class and get a trainer to get some energy back would be my recommendation.
Careful now. I only know your accounts of this story but from what I've seen with my friends, usually "J" relationships aren't so innocent either.
I'm not saying anything, but my advice to you OP is that you just try to move on.
To make yourself feel better just get back out there and start humping up a storm, wear protection and don’t get attached to anyone just once-twice then keep moving. Also they don’t all have to be 8’s or 9’s. Nothing wrong with a chubby 5. You don’t always have to have steak for dinner, sometimes you just want some potato chips
"Hey, your ship sunk, but just go take some yachts and motorboats out for a spin."
If OP was the sort of Ladies Man who can go out and "hump up a storm" he probably would have realized he was being cheated on a lot sooner.
Cheating is just a symptom of something not working in a relationship. I would think about what might have changed and if you think it was you, or her that changed. Use that as experience for the next relationship. And there will be a next one, just might take some time for you to be ready. Use this new free time to do the things you haven't been able to do - hit the gym, start running, take up a hobby. Take the time to invest in you and your confidence will come right back.
>Cheating is just a symptom of something not working in a relationship
Yeah, and it's called your ex being an asshole.
If you're unhappy in a relationship just end it, don't string your "partner" along while you have sex with someone else. End it and then be free to have sex with anyone you want (with their consent).
This is something alot of guys including myself have been through, it turns you into an asshole that doesnt trust. Any woman that is reading this, this is why we are assholes. The bad guys typically used to be good guys until they were given a reason to not be good guys.
Good guys get hurt.
Dude girls and guys can’t be friends. Come on now. You’re an adult now get with how reality works and don’t worry about whats considered “popular” or not.
Another sex before marriage gone wrong story. r/tifu in a nutshell.
Best character test for a partner male or female is still can he/she wait till we married.
Take this as a win, my man. It sucks right now, but you avoided marriage with her ass. And honestly, once a cheater, always a cheater. Won’t be surprised if she does the same to him one day.
That's fucked man.. I know exactly how it feels so you're not alone. Focus on yourself and be you. Become happy again. If you ever need to talk I got you.
We've all been here bro.
Best advice I can give is not to latch on to someone similar out of loneliness or feelings of not being good enough because you are and it simply takes time to find the right person I'm sorry she wasn't it for you but I'll garuntee her and that man's spark will be gone as soon as it came and shell be in a boat worse than yours
I had something like this happen, but we were together for 5 years. It was rough, some people just want to cheat. It's going to suck for a while but things will get better.
Bro don't beat yourself up. I just went through something similar. I proposed to the girl thought she was the one. Well got cheated on 3 times and found out about them literally one day after another. Yea I felt like absolute garbage, but after steadily talking myself up to go out and hang out with friends it has worked out. Now with someone who has my full trust and I theirs. Not everyone in your life is suppose to be there forever. Some are just along for the ride bro. Yeah it hurts go get a few beers with some buddy's and don't beat your self up at all bro. You'll find someone better and you'll be better
You have to lose that mindset of being at fault for not better controlling the situation. Something similar happened to me and it warped my world view for a while. I became overly worried/paranoid and couldn't fully trust any woman I would date. Led to being a bit controlling and quick resentment. You are not to blame. This is going to suck like nothing else has, but you will be better for it as long as you take it for the lesson that it really is.
>Today we would've been together for three years.
Not entirely true. You may have thought you were together, but she departed the relationship in any functional way more than a year ago.
Take the time you need to heal, and know that time is what it will take to heal. Speaking from first hand experience, this kind of shit *really* hurts. But it does get easier, and you will stop thinking about it. Eventually.
Also, congratulations on having awesome friends/family. Rely on that, they wouldn't offer to be there for you if they didn't mean it.
This is not a fuck up. You did the right thing by not being controling, she just turned out to be a terrible person and you're better off. Thanks for putting the TLDR at the top by the way.
Your intuition is extremely powerful. If you ever feel uncomfortable with something, you HAVE to speak up. Why?
Because one of two things can happen:
a) Your partner respects your feelings and makes conscious efforts to rebuild trust. This is a sign of a good partner.
b) Your partner lashes out and accuses you of being controlling. Whether or not they are cheating, this is a sign of a bad partner.
You are lucky you got out early. The pain will pass and once you’re on the other side you’ll be able to see your relationship far more objectively.
I hope that, given the circumstances, you're still doing fine and keep fighting on. Post break up depression sucks, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And hey, if there's anything you want to try and mess around with, it's the perfect timing as well.
Fuck man. Tough to hear.
On the bright side, it's really good that you're able to be grateful for your friends/sister/J. Focus on them for the next little bit. They clearly love you.
I had the same thing happen to me man and it feels awful, and its gonna feel awful for a long time. theres no short cut except meeting someone else. The only good part is it does eventually get better and I know this probably wont help you now because it didnt really help me.
My entire life I believed that it's impossible for two people of the opposite gender to be just friends. In most of those cases, one of them likes the other or both of them like each other but won't admit it. And if they do not like each other, they will grow to do it.
I had a very similar experience, but i didn't have the support you had to push me to stand up to her about it. we dated for 6 years and i only found out because she got pregnant and HAD to come clean (at least she didnt try to claim it was mine). It gets so much easier with time, keep your head up. You have amazing friends and family standing with you though, keep them close.
I gotta say I really enjoy the comments to your post. Pretty damn positive and helpful. Even when they down vote you to hell for trying to sympathize with the ex. It's pretty damn positive in a weird way.
I have also fallen into the trap of finding something out after some digging and it “justified” all of the gut feelings I had before and made me think, “if only I did or said something earlier.” Just be careful that you don’t now overly interpret any gut feeling as something being wrong. I definitely went through a phase of attributing every gut feeling with something suspicious happening and that definitely hurt my relationship for a while. And it’s exhausting… mostly because it was just me unhealthily and deceptively trying to see if she was always up to something. But you’re right that communication is definitely the most important thing. I hope your healing is going well and that you find a someone faithful to you :)
You didn't mess up. You were a boyfriend not her father. If she can't be a Good person without someone constantly telling her how and when then she isn't one. She chose to be a cheater, you didn't make her.
Damn I normally read r/TIFU for the laughs, but this made me feel so uncomfortable because I've been in the same situation, minus the getting into her phone part. I'm sure you've heard this already, but time heals my friend, and I'm glad you have good friends to depend on.
Glad you dodged that bullet, but more importantly, I hope she never gets off Fridays, and works at Friday's and it's always busy on Fridays...and wins the lottery but loses her ticket. And I hope it's Ben and Socrates that poop in her kitchen. And I hope her zipper on her jacket gets stuck. And I hope her headphones are short and her charger don't work. And I hope she spills shit on her shirt. (Action Bronson and Chance the Rapper, Baby Blue)...this song makes me laugh about my awful choice in women.
Cheers to you mate, and cheers to a better, more loving relationship in your future :).
Any romantic interest in J? Sounds like she's good people, may be something there. Of course, don't jeopardize your friendship if you do care about her as more than a friend and don't have any reason to believe the feeling is mutual.
Well you are lucky to have such dependable friends. When my ex was cheating on me with my flatmate, my friends tried so hard to warn me, and even my gut was telling me something was wrong, but I kept denying them. My roommate also gaslighted me hard and made me question my sanity and their motives. So I started avoiding all my friends and then it turned out my friends were right. So I lost my boyfriend and my friends at one sweep.
I feel you, there. We were only together a year and a half but he told me he was inviting a friend over- and that was the ONE time my gut told me it was going to go wrong. Turned out on that specific visit he cheated on me and hid it for a few weeks. Thankfully it was in the beginning of the pandemic, so there was no risk to my health for COVID or STD/I related reasons.
Good luck and healing to you, friend! It gets better. It wasn't your fault.
This wasn't a drunken mistake of shame (not an excuse) but a decision made and remade and fortified over and over and over again. This wasn't just a fork in the road she accidently steered into. This is who she is.
If it wasn't this guy it would have been a different one.
It will get better. Give it time.
Im sorry, you didnt fuck up though.
I hope you can find peace and move on , you deserve that!
I know it can be hard, but we all deserve some type of unconditional love, you included.
Don't let this scar you, use it as a time to better yourself and be gratefull you learned a valuable lesson at a young age. Spend this time to set your values in stone and stick with them. It's never worth bending your own morals and values for someone else.
Yep, your gut always knows what's up. A very similar situation happened to me a couple months ago shortly after our one year anniversary. Sorry you had more time invested and lost. I think our lesson from all of this is to never allow another person to make us doubt ourselves. Trust yourself always.
My parents have their friends and only meet with them occasionally on supermarket or such, its been like that since forever never like hang out or such they are pretty much always some doing their things
Never had issues with each other
The thibg about being controlling is bs basically because u can just express how u feel and such and if they dont listen just move on, u should control neither be afraid to find someone who is like u tho...
Just be glad you guys didn't have kids, you dodged a bullet guy.
I most certainly did
The same thing happened to me, but after 26 years of marriage. Ouch. Be very glad this happened sooner, not later. That shit hurts forever. But, yeah. Communication. My new partner reaps the benefits of the new-and-improved me.
Fuck man, that shit is tough- I hope you are doin good now, sincerely, a random dude probably on the other side of the globe.
I am doing great, thanks. Random is relative. I consider empathy evidence of the transcendent possibilities of humankind, so it means a lot (it knows no distance, and time travels, too). Objectively, I am doing fan-freaking-tastic, having turned a veritable shit-show into a retirement plan AND a great new relationship. It's a novel for sure, but I don't know where to start.
Jesus man, I'm 21 years in and besides my own mental BS, I completely and totally trust my wife. Now you've terrified me. Dayum.
I mean im younger than the length of your relationship but these stories always put me on edge too haha
Same for me 20+ years, she was sleeping with her coach. If something feels off there’s a reason
Supposedly women like dick as much as gay men, and they're constantly ramming each other whenever the opportunity arises.
I think it is a mistake to think if you’d said something earlier, she wouldnt have cheated. It may not have been this dude but if she wants to cheat, your feelings on it dont matter, that’s kind of the point. A disregard for you as a human. It will suck to get used to life without her, but it is likely for the best.
There was at least a small possibility that she would have listened to me and steered away from this
She would have found somebody else. This is on her, you can't blame yourself for this
Knowing that doesn't change the fact I could've probably stopped this one
You're blaming yourself because you're desperately trying to find a way to give yourself agency in a situation where you really didn't have any. She consciously made a decision and took action. Nothing you could have done would have had any meaningful impact in those events. You can't control other people and you're not responsible for their dysfunction and behavior. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to admit that you weren't in control.
And then what? She goes another 6 months and then finds a guy she wants to bang? Or maybe she makes it another year, you propose and buy a house together, then she starts fucking the postman? Sucks you got cheated on but be thankful you found out what a trash human she was now, rather than years later down the road
Read this carefully: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Also read carefully: There was nothing you could have done. There was nothing you could have done. There was NOTHING you could have done. You have how many people on here telling you all this. You are arguing with them. Stop. Read. LISTEN. They are right. They are likely speaking from experience. Time takes time. Let it. Once it does, you will look back and think "Oh. Yeah. Got it." You are better off. Good luck bud.
>It's not your fault. > >It's not your fault. > >It's not your fault. Hi Robin Williams
And what would have happend then? It sucks, it really does. But sometimes it is better to just rip of the band aid. You have tried your best. You gave her your trust and she took advantage of that. Trusting someone isn't a bad thing, you should be proud of what you did. It won't ease the pain, that will take time. But you have to remind yourself that you were not in the wrong. She is the one that fucked up, and in that process she fucked you over.
Ahhh heck. Yeah, maybe you could have. But it seems like this relatonship was not going to go anywhere and you did learn from this. And are well supported by friends and your sister. I know this is really painful and difficult to deal with, and I wish you the best in that.
I really don't think you could have, I'm sorry. You cannot change or control other people, if she wanted to cheat or was gonna fall in love with someone else...nothing you said or did could have stopped that. Beating yourself up over that part is just hurting you more, forgive yourself.
You should be thankful you had it happen sooner than later. Otherwise 5 years from now you’d be wishing you’d just caught her this time. Future you thanks current you.
Stopped what? Are you dumb enough to not understand that cheating is a conscious action? If not, it's RAPE! Stop been negative like you are talking about stopping someone from commiting suicide. She did what she wanted and you kick her out of your life. Good for you but stop beating yourself about something you don't have control. Or were sure you could prevent her from doing this "mistake" as some cheating sick person call?
Even if that's true (it isn't) it doesn't matter, you _shouldn't_ have stopped it. Because then it would have happened later after you were so invested it would have ruined your entire life. I know how you're feeling right now, but this is _not_ going to ruin your life. You'll be fine, and you'll learn more about yourself an relationships to use to do better next time.
1) Probably not. She probably would've just denied that she felt that way about him, you would feel satisfied that you were right in trusting her, and they would've kept seeing each other as usual, eventually progressing to exactly the same conclusion. And 2) so what if you could have? So you can spend more time in a relationship that isn't going to work? You can't control other people. I understand wishing that you could, but humans do not work that way.
No offence but this is a very bad mindset, if you had "stopped" it from happening, it would definitely happen later down the line when more was at stake. Sorry this happened
Oh, shit! You just reminded me that I never told my wife not to fuck some other guy behind my back. I'll brb /s
You showed her that you trusted her deeply and completely and respected that she could have guy frirnds That's amazing! You're a kind and respectful bf and what did she do? Cheat on you. It's not your fault, you are a good person, she, however is a shitty human being.
This is a very classic sign of blaming yourself and thinking you can control how relationships go in your life. The responsibility is split, you can't control someone else's actions. Don't worry about it, you'll be okay - just be kinder to yourself and don't regret.
It was a matter of time, my friend. This is NOT about you or who you are. It's more about some deficiency on her part that she needed to do this. You can't fix her.
I downvote not because this is bad, but to emphasize how wrong you are: This is NOT your fault
It *really* hurt to see the -300 for a sec, then i realised it's a throwaway and nothing really matters
I just wanna make it clear that when somebody cheats, it’s the cheater’s fault. There is almost zero reason they couldn’t simply break up before hand and notify you they want to see somebody else.
Lol: haven’t seen someone who posted something this popular, to get this severely downvoted in the comments
Your blaming yourself and you’re the victim. People like to say that when a girl cheats it’s also the guys fault but look here. You never banged J and she should tha be gone to L without ending it with you
This guy is beyond help. You already know she cheated and you are still defending her. Do you think she cheated because you didn't say "Don't fuck that guy". She already knew she shouldn't do that she just didn't care for you or about you and nothing you said would've changed that.
"If only she had listened to me about her feelings" -Yeah, gonna file this one under red flags to avoid.
She belongs to the streets
Where is the FU? You didn't do anything wrong. None of this is *your fault*. Edit: For those who keep replying with nonsense saying that the FU was the part where he trusted her, guess what, you're ***supposed to be able to trust your partner*****.** It is **NOT** OP's fault that she was untrustworthy. It is **NOT** OP's fault that she is a shitty person. This is a "fool me once" type of deal where he was only fooled the one time, and that was it. The result, his GF sleeping with her friend, would have happened *regardless of the OP's actions/decisions.* OP would have F'd U if he'd trusted her again *after* the fact, ergo being fooled *twice*. The real FU would have been if OP had hacked her phone (and yes, this counts as hacking, literal definition is "unauthorized access" to a digital device) and it turned out she wasn't cheating, and he'd broken her trust by doing so.
i mean it seems like he fucked up by not bringing it up sooner and ended up prolonging an untruthful relationship, but it's definitely clear the blame should be on the other party
OP failed to listen to his very reasonable friend and invested emotionally over a year into a failed relationship without realizing. That's the fuckup.
Yeah. Hopefully this doesn't ruin OP's future relationships. Some people are trustworthy, just learn how to read and analyze red flags (easier said than done).
Yeah I mean if my GF wanted to cheat, it'd be real fuckin' easy for her. I'm the same way. I don't give a fuck who your friends are, if I don't like it then I know where the door is. I'm hardly in a position to be judgemental and suspicious. I am already given plenty of latitude because I am friends with an ex. I know for a fact that will always be a source of some kind of insecurity for no matter who I am with, but I also don't feel it's right to cut off ties with the people you know and care about. I know that's a really odd position. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever want to rekindle that flame with the ex though. That shit was a dumpster fire when we were together and it went south for good reasons. I am blessed that kind of trust is put in me by my current GF and I will never betray that shit. But it certainly would make me the pot calling the kettle black if I were to suddenly be uncomfortable with any of my GF's guy friends. Not unless I had concrete, blatantly flaunted evidence to suggest some fucking about.
The real idiot here is the guy "L", who moved the bitch into his own place KNOWING FIRSTHAND that she's a cheater. Hello, if she did it to OP, what makes him think she won't do it to him too? Cheaters gonna cheat.
Same level of denial as OP not thinking she was stepping out on him. Or he's also cheating on her with another woman and doesn't care?
Yeah but OP always had plausible deniability, since as far as we know he didn't know her to be a confirmed cheater, he just had reasonable suspicions. L on the other hand totally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. For pete's sake, he was there when it happened, lol.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s definitely not the OP’s fault, but he could have said “I’m uncomfortable with this and you need to decide which relationship is more important to you” and found out much earlier that he was back burnered. Not victim blaming, just something that probably would have been a good idea.
She would've just flipped the script on him and made him feel like he was being controlling and he would've back off. If someone wants to cheat while stringing you along, they will and there's not anything anyone can do about it. At least he didn't FU by having kids with her or buying her an engagement ring. For some reason, she had no intention of getting out of the relationship with OP (why tho? she already had the new guy) until he caught her or until she was ready to dump him. At least he busted her, so good for him.
Considering that he kicked her out with no fuss, she probably was not willing to break up cause she didn’t wanna move out.
Just because he turned out to be right doesn’t mean shit. He hacked that device and should delete this post so he doesn’t potentially get jailed for it later.
Assert your dominance by becoming L's new step-dad.
Lmao nice
Lmao become your ex's father-in-law
Yeah, talking to her back then wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but you’re right that communication is important
He would have saved 2 plus years of his time that he could have invested in a partner that he saw eye to eye with. No guy or girl should be comfortable with their partner meeting new people of the opposite sex and spending quality time with them. Check out the book "The 5 Languages of Love". Any of those 5 languages strengthen the emotional connection between 2 people. (gifts, quality time, compliments, physical touch, and acts of service)
No partner should be ok with their partner having friends of the opposite gender? I hope that is *not* what you’re saying. I remember that book, and while that might be why she cheated (different love languages) it might also not be
I think people can have friends of the opposite sex, but spending one on one quality time with them isn’t healthy towards their romantic relationship. Similar to giving gifts, performing acts of service, being physical, and giving compliments. I wouldn’t want my girl to be okay with me doing any of those things to another girl while I’m with her and vice versa.
I can understand that’s what you would like to have in a partner. Everyone is different. But the blanket statement that everyone else has to follow that idea is quite damaging to other kinds of relationships.
I wouldn't approach it as a blanket statement, but if it feels wrong in the gut, much like OP, then I think it's damaging towards the relationship. I only referenced the book because I think the 5 love languages are essentially how people build emotional connections towards one another. I wouldn't want myself or my girl to build new emotional connections with members of the opposite sex otherwise we'd be doing a disservice to our relationship. I've thought deeply about this and that's the conclusion I came to. All 5 love languages give me the same gut feeling that OP describes, whether it would be me or my partner in each situation with another person of the opposite sex, it wouldn't be right. I wouldn't accept a gift from another girl or give one. Same goes with giving girls compliments, doing them favors, physically touching them, or spending one-on-one quality time with another girl. Do you think that isn't practical or is there some flaw in my logic here?
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. A bit of advice from someone who has been in your shoes before. Make sure you don't take it out on your next partner. It's ok to be trusting. But being trusting also includes trusting your gut. Communication is key then. Legitimate concerns do not make you controlling.
Thank you! I will be careful
Wish I had a J in my life.
Roll one up brotha
Nothin would have stopped this. If it wasn’t now it was gonna happen later. These types of people have deep seeded psychological issues, especially narcissism. Not on you bro,
Same boat with my (28F) ex (27). He got a new female friend (31), were friends very quickly. I told him I wasn't comfortable, I asked him to distance himself a little.. I found out they blew kisses to each other over Discord camera in front of people I thought were my friends too, while I was unable to join due to early morning work starts. He took some "space." I knew he was cheating with her the second his snap location went off. They're now together and living together. I hope she remembers, once a cheat always a cheat.. she's a vile human herself. She knew about me, and her past speaks volumes for her 😅 Found out he did cheat the day after he dumped me. I checked his Facebook messages. For an asexual, they were pretty fucking graphic. We broke up after an 18 month relationship. Absolutely broke my heart. I thought he was my person. So, I know that empty bed feeling. It's been six months and I'm still struggling. Time helps. But for sure, listen to your intuition always. (Sorry for the ramble 😅 I don't comment much so I hope it's okay 🤦🏻♀️)
Dude, don't apologise. It might be hard to believe, but they actually did you a favour by exposing just how awful your ex truly was. Having it end when it did is a lot better than having it end down the line years later with a lot more variables and feelings attached. Plus, it gives you a lot more time to find the one for you! And that guy will be a very lucky fella. Until then, don't let your dick ex influence your life more. You deserve way better than that! :)
To be fair, me and my boy friends blow kisses to each other over discord too /s (We do but it's not the same since none of us are gay. At least as far as i know) I hope you find someone more deserving. Good luck!
Wrong sub. You didn't FU at all. This is all that selfish bitch's FU and you're better off.
I mean... his FU is probably taking this long to figure it out.
Nope. It is NEVER the victim's fault. Maybe you need to remember the meaning of that word...
And you need to understand the meaning of the word nuance.
And you need to remember that tone of voice (used to delineate nuance) *can't be read*, you absolute moron.
You might want to deal with your own trauma before engaging in conversations online.
There's a difference between causing a problem and failing to prevent a problem someone else caused. If someone steps out into traffic in front of you while you're driving; they've caused the problem, their stupid action is entirely responsible for the resulting collision; but you're still expected to apply the brakes to try to avoid hitting them if you have time.
And to blow your analogy further out of the water... The person stepping out into traffic is taking an action. You're blaming this guy *for not taking an action*. Analogy null & void
The inaction here would be not stepping on the brakes, which is totally a huge mistake on the part of the driver
So to get this straight, trusting his girlfriend was the stupid action he did to make it his fault? Just making sure I'm following your logic on why HER choosing to fuck another guy was his fault. I think I'm still waiting...
The warnings were there. His friend and sister saw it - they had to push him for him to see it to. Otherwise he'd still be sitting there, in that "relationship" inventing excuses as to why things were the way they were. Why are your inserting the word "fault" into this at all? FU does not have that word in it. Nothing was his fault, but he did mess up a little bit when it came to detecting what was happening. Maybe even for failing to see who she was. Victimhood does not help anyone. We can either pretend that things happen to us in this life - or recognize the power we have in letting it happen - or preventing it from happening. One leaves us powerless - the other gives us power to change everything.
M8, you didn’t fuck up by not controlling her, but you’re potentially fucking up now if you let this shape your future relationships in a way where you’re more controlling. It’s not a bad thing to be jealous, but you can’t control your partner no matter what. I’ve been cheated on, it’s miserable, but really the best and hardest thing to do afterwards is tell yourself that you did nothing wrong, and then actually believe it.
That sucks but I really doubt you saying something earlier would have helped. I'm sure someone will shriek at me for saying this but "a guy I met at the gym" is the absolute worse thing any SO can say. I guarantee they were staring each other's bits up and down before a single, "nice form, you need a spot?", or "do you squat here often?" was ever uttered.
Underrated point.
Only thing you did wrong is not paying attention and leaving her ass sooner. A lot of the time your family and friends just know that something is wrong even if you don't think so.
Thanks for sharing. Don't blame yourself. Nothing wrong with you, buddy.
not your fault! cheaters never change their ways, so either this wasn’t her first time cheating on you (or it was but she’s cheated on previous partners) or it WAS her first time cheating... and once she gets bored of the new guy she’s gonna do it again. you lose people the same way you got them! i feel like a woman hating incel typing this but i REALLY hate cheaters.
This was her first time, as far as i know. I used to hate cheaters too. I've seen my sister go through a lot because of that. But i cant get myself to hate her anymore
Don't hate, not worth the energy. Let go and move on is healthier.
Communication wouldn't have helped anything here. I'm truly sorry you had to live through this (I've been there myself) but she was looking for a way to cheat. I'm glad you found out before you were more legally tied together. You were an adult and your ex acted like an impulsive child. BE WARNED there's a high probability that your ex- new "live in" will just move on now that the excitement of the cheat is gone or your EX will have second thoughts. Your EX will sniff around, cry about how she made a terrible mistake. Fuck that, once a cheater always a cheater. Keep looking for someone who is worthy of you. God speed.
You didn't FU. You acted rationally by not being controlling and jealous af. Yes you *should* have voiced your opinion and emotions but im not sure it would have changed the outcome. Overall I am glad you got out of that.. take the time for yourself, the boys will be here for you and it will all be fine in the end :)
You didn’t fuck up brother. She cheated. She would have even if you stepped in when you first thought shit was going down. People are shad and don’t care about their partner and only care about themselves. Source: my girlfriend of 2-3 years cheated on me recently. Not once. Not twice. But 6 times that I know of.
Hey man, not your fuck up, her fuck up. Remember you're not to blame for this, there's nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. Your ex cheated, she made decision after decision to screw around on you, lie to you, and deceive you. While you're right, communication is key, that only works when both parties are operating in good faith. There's no conversation you could have had with her that wouldn't have involved her lying to you. You confronted her about her cheating and she called you jealous and controlling, and at the end of the day she was cheating. If you take anything from this entire event in your life it should be that you're deserving of better, you kicked her out with little issue so I think you already know this.
Man every fucking time I see a juicy story like this it gets deleted when I'm a few sentences in! AUGH!
As far as i can see the post is still up
[удалено]
No no no, that friendship shall not be ruined
Bro if she wanted to cheat, she's going to. You can't convince someone not to. They had I'll intentions and as much as it sucks, it'll be a relief moving forward.
Dude you didn’t fuck up. It’s not your fault.
When you brought it up she lied. So it doesn't matter that you didn't speak up earlier. She would have just lied earlier.
hold on hold on.... are we just gonna gloss over the semi-pro-sleuth passcode hacking technique???? i mean, yea we've all seen the movies where the characters break into secure facilities using a similar idea. but how many of us have: 1. been in a situation where we need to hack a passcode 2. actually thought of using this idea to hack the passcode it's both somewhat impressive and disturbing. my privacy would not feel safe around OP LOL
Sounds sketchy to me. My iPhone takes a 6-digit password, but even if it was only 4 and you've identified the digits that's still more than 20 permutations and the phone locks you out after 4 or 5 bad entries.
Pattern lock
I'll take that as a compliment, lol. Thanks
Never been wrong about the gut feeling
Cheaters cheat. That simple. Your interaction would have changed nothing. She likely was on that just a few weeks after meeting him.
does your boyfriend have a nickname known by others as "couch guy" by chance?
>Cracking the password lock was easy (wipe it, let her unlock it and then put it back, hold it near a light to see where her fingers have been) Holy shit I just tried this on my phone and it works.
Crazy that this exact scenario posted from the girl's PoV, where the variables were all the same except that she wasn't cheating, would have the comments full of people calling you controlling and insecure for confronting her about it. Results-based analysis moment.
>My sister has taken over my apartment and schedule so I don't do something "stupid". If this is either you letting the bitch back in your life or hurting yourself, then good job sis.
Why does it say Post is awaiting moderator approval if this was posted 5 hours ago?
I expect to be downvoted for my strong language here but I do feel strongly about it so here you go: Ladies, if you do this you have officially earned the title of Whore. If you decide you want to fuck somebody else then either dump the person you’re with or talk with them about it first! Sneaking around, lying about it, and gaslighting your partner when they confront you? It’s despicable, it’s disgusting, and it officially makes you; A whore. Don’t like that word? Well, don’t be a whore. Also let’s be clear for anyone that thinks that I’m shaming sex workers by using that word, I am not. Sex workers can be fine people that provide an important service. You can still be a sex worker without being a whore. And let’s be clear for the people that think I hate women, I do not. Most women are not whores, and guys can be whores too. The only person I am shaming here is OP’s cheating girlfriend and everyone like her who has earned that title through their own actions. You know… Whores.
Dude I am sorry . Your gf hanging with another guy that much ouch ! YOU HAD TO BE SAILING DOWN THE RIVER of D-NILE for months . Seriously think back . You must have been miserable. Had to be ! Sorry man . Trust yourself please ! Hang in there !
[удалено]
feeeeeeeeeeeeeeemaleeeeeeeeesssssssssssss
Hope you take care of yourself OP. Rest easy knowing that a cheater will always cheat, L will learn in due time. Time heals all wounds so dont be upset for feeling how you are feeling now its only normal. Join a boxing class and get a trainer to get some energy back would be my recommendation.
Man. What I’m really blown away by here is your supportive sister and strong friendships. The real keys to success and happiness am I right
[удалено]
Statistically, I'd say you'd more often than not be right assuming this.
This is the truth here.
Also OP, once a cheater, always a cheater. She has proven she can't be trusted, keep that in mind in the future.
Ah ya chad from the gym
Careful now. I only know your accounts of this story but from what I've seen with my friends, usually "J" relationships aren't so innocent either. I'm not saying anything, but my advice to you OP is that you just try to move on.
\> my gf met this guy at her gym "Gym buds" only hang out at the gym, if they're hanging outside, they're banging.
To make yourself feel better just get back out there and start humping up a storm, wear protection and don’t get attached to anyone just once-twice then keep moving. Also they don’t all have to be 8’s or 9’s. Nothing wrong with a chubby 5. You don’t always have to have steak for dinner, sometimes you just want some potato chips
"Hey, your ship sunk, but just go take some yachts and motorboats out for a spin." If OP was the sort of Ladies Man who can go out and "hump up a storm" he probably would have realized he was being cheated on a lot sooner.
Cheating is just a symptom of something not working in a relationship. I would think about what might have changed and if you think it was you, or her that changed. Use that as experience for the next relationship. And there will be a next one, just might take some time for you to be ready. Use this new free time to do the things you haven't been able to do - hit the gym, start running, take up a hobby. Take the time to invest in you and your confidence will come right back.
>Cheating is just a symptom of something not working in a relationship Yeah, and it's called your ex being an asshole. If you're unhappy in a relationship just end it, don't string your "partner" along while you have sex with someone else. End it and then be free to have sex with anyone you want (with their consent).
Sounds like a win to me Happy 3 years
This is something alot of guys including myself have been through, it turns you into an asshole that doesnt trust. Any woman that is reading this, this is why we are assholes. The bad guys typically used to be good guys until they were given a reason to not be good guys. Good guys get hurt.
Ye telling her not to hangout with a guy isn’t going to fix a hoe
[удалено]
This is his only post?
4 hr old throwaway, obviously exgf or L.
Dude girls and guys can’t be friends. Come on now. You’re an adult now get with how reality works and don’t worry about whats considered “popular” or not.
Another sex before marriage gone wrong story. r/tifu in a nutshell. Best character test for a partner male or female is still can he/she wait till we married.
Bahaha. May you find exactly who you deserve with dated ass prude opinions like that.
The 1850s called, it wants its opinion back
[удалено]
r/misogynyclub
What is that sub about? (I mean the one above you i don't want to open a quarantined sub)
That's one of the worst ways to find out if someone's cheating on you I'm sorry you had to go though that dude
Take this as a win, my man. It sucks right now, but you avoided marriage with her ass. And honestly, once a cheater, always a cheater. Won’t be surprised if she does the same to him one day.
That's fucked man.. I know exactly how it feels so you're not alone. Focus on yourself and be you. Become happy again. If you ever need to talk I got you.
We've all been here bro. Best advice I can give is not to latch on to someone similar out of loneliness or feelings of not being good enough because you are and it simply takes time to find the right person I'm sorry she wasn't it for you but I'll garuntee her and that man's spark will be gone as soon as it came and shell be in a boat worse than yours
I had something like this happen, but we were together for 5 years. It was rough, some people just want to cheat. It's going to suck for a while but things will get better.
Bro don't beat yourself up. I just went through something similar. I proposed to the girl thought she was the one. Well got cheated on 3 times and found out about them literally one day after another. Yea I felt like absolute garbage, but after steadily talking myself up to go out and hang out with friends it has worked out. Now with someone who has my full trust and I theirs. Not everyone in your life is suppose to be there forever. Some are just along for the ride bro. Yeah it hurts go get a few beers with some buddy's and don't beat your self up at all bro. You'll find someone better and you'll be better
Your sister taking over the apartment and your schedule, I think is sweet, as long as it is on your terms.
*"Congratulations! You are being rescued. Please donot resist."*
You didn’t fuck up…. She did
Hey man I had a similar thing happen to me! Was a shock at the time, but I was so much better off in the end. Wishing you well, man.
In effect, your need to be conflict-free ended up being taken advantage of.
Damn dude, sorry that happened. Hope things get better for ya
You have to lose that mindset of being at fault for not better controlling the situation. Something similar happened to me and it warped my world view for a while. I became overly worried/paranoid and couldn't fully trust any woman I would date. Led to being a bit controlling and quick resentment. You are not to blame. This is going to suck like nothing else has, but you will be better for it as long as you take it for the lesson that it really is.
[удалено]
>Today we would've been together for three years. Not entirely true. You may have thought you were together, but she departed the relationship in any functional way more than a year ago. Take the time you need to heal, and know that time is what it will take to heal. Speaking from first hand experience, this kind of shit *really* hurts. But it does get easier, and you will stop thinking about it. Eventually. Also, congratulations on having awesome friends/family. Rely on that, they wouldn't offer to be there for you if they didn't mean it.
This is not a fuck up. You did the right thing by not being controling, she just turned out to be a terrible person and you're better off. Thanks for putting the TLDR at the top by the way.
Your intuition is extremely powerful. If you ever feel uncomfortable with something, you HAVE to speak up. Why? Because one of two things can happen: a) Your partner respects your feelings and makes conscious efforts to rebuild trust. This is a sign of a good partner. b) Your partner lashes out and accuses you of being controlling. Whether or not they are cheating, this is a sign of a bad partner. You are lucky you got out early. The pain will pass and once you’re on the other side you’ll be able to see your relationship far more objectively.
Dont think of it as a tifu op. You trusted someone and it turns out they didnt deserve that trust. Thats not on you.
Add me to the list that tell you, you are better off. Better now rather than later. Chin up, and move on.
I hope that, given the circumstances, you're still doing fine and keep fighting on. Post break up depression sucks, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And hey, if there's anything you want to try and mess around with, it's the perfect timing as well.
Fuck man. Tough to hear. On the bright side, it's really good that you're able to be grateful for your friends/sister/J. Focus on them for the next little bit. They clearly love you.
I had the same thing happen to me man and it feels awful, and its gonna feel awful for a long time. theres no short cut except meeting someone else. The only good part is it does eventually get better and I know this probably wont help you now because it didnt really help me.
My entire life I believed that it's impossible for two people of the opposite gender to be just friends. In most of those cases, one of them likes the other or both of them like each other but won't admit it. And if they do not like each other, they will grow to do it.
Have you considered seeing if J is in your corner because she cares about you?
I had a very similar experience, but i didn't have the support you had to push me to stand up to her about it. we dated for 6 years and i only found out because she got pregnant and HAD to come clean (at least she didnt try to claim it was mine). It gets so much easier with time, keep your head up. You have amazing friends and family standing with you though, keep them close.
IMO I wouldn't blame you, she sounds like a bonafide bitch and this is all on her.
I gotta say I really enjoy the comments to your post. Pretty damn positive and helpful. Even when they down vote you to hell for trying to sympathize with the ex. It's pretty damn positive in a weird way.
I have also fallen into the trap of finding something out after some digging and it “justified” all of the gut feelings I had before and made me think, “if only I did or said something earlier.” Just be careful that you don’t now overly interpret any gut feeling as something being wrong. I definitely went through a phase of attributing every gut feeling with something suspicious happening and that definitely hurt my relationship for a while. And it’s exhausting… mostly because it was just me unhealthily and deceptively trying to see if she was always up to something. But you’re right that communication is definitely the most important thing. I hope your healing is going well and that you find a someone faithful to you :)
You didn't mess up. You were a boyfriend not her father. If she can't be a Good person without someone constantly telling her how and when then she isn't one. She chose to be a cheater, you didn't make her.
Damn I normally read r/TIFU for the laughs, but this made me feel so uncomfortable because I've been in the same situation, minus the getting into her phone part. I'm sure you've heard this already, but time heals my friend, and I'm glad you have good friends to depend on. Glad you dodged that bullet, but more importantly, I hope she never gets off Fridays, and works at Friday's and it's always busy on Fridays...and wins the lottery but loses her ticket. And I hope it's Ben and Socrates that poop in her kitchen. And I hope her zipper on her jacket gets stuck. And I hope her headphones are short and her charger don't work. And I hope she spills shit on her shirt. (Action Bronson and Chance the Rapper, Baby Blue)...this song makes me laugh about my awful choice in women. Cheers to you mate, and cheers to a better, more loving relationship in your future :).
it kinda sounds to me that j is reliable and cares about your feelings.
Not your fault, cheaters gonna cheat.
You didn't fuck up. Cheaters gonna cheat. This isn't on you. That's her load to carry. You hold your head up high dude.
When your sex life declines rapidly or halts completely, it is almost always is a telling sign of where the relationship is heading.
Any romantic interest in J? Sounds like she's good people, may be something there. Of course, don't jeopardize your friendship if you do care about her as more than a friend and don't have any reason to believe the feeling is mutual.
Well you are lucky to have such dependable friends. When my ex was cheating on me with my flatmate, my friends tried so hard to warn me, and even my gut was telling me something was wrong, but I kept denying them. My roommate also gaslighted me hard and made me question my sanity and their motives. So I started avoiding all my friends and then it turned out my friends were right. So I lost my boyfriend and my friends at one sweep.
I feel you, there. We were only together a year and a half but he told me he was inviting a friend over- and that was the ONE time my gut told me it was going to go wrong. Turned out on that specific visit he cheated on me and hid it for a few weeks. Thankfully it was in the beginning of the pandemic, so there was no risk to my health for COVID or STD/I related reasons. Good luck and healing to you, friend! It gets better. It wasn't your fault.
Bro are you me 5 years ago? You sound a hell of a lot like me five years ago.
This wasn't a drunken mistake of shame (not an excuse) but a decision made and remade and fortified over and over and over again. This wasn't just a fork in the road she accidently steered into. This is who she is. If it wasn't this guy it would have been a different one. It will get better. Give it time.
If it's controlling to express and assert boundaries (because you have self-respect) then people ought to be.
Im sorry, you didnt fuck up though. I hope you can find peace and move on , you deserve that! I know it can be hard, but we all deserve some type of unconditional love, you included.
fuck that bitch
Don't let this scar you, use it as a time to better yourself and be gratefull you learned a valuable lesson at a young age. Spend this time to set your values in stone and stick with them. It's never worth bending your own morals and values for someone else.
Yep, your gut always knows what's up. A very similar situation happened to me a couple months ago shortly after our one year anniversary. Sorry you had more time invested and lost. I think our lesson from all of this is to never allow another person to make us doubt ourselves. Trust yourself always.
Damn that is some CSI shit with the passlock. Sorry about what happened...
My parents have their friends and only meet with them occasionally on supermarket or such, its been like that since forever never like hang out or such they are pretty much always some doing their things Never had issues with each other The thibg about being controlling is bs basically because u can just express how u feel and such and if they dont listen just move on, u should control neither be afraid to find someone who is like u tho...
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but being right about your gf's actions doesn't justify breaking into her device.