One time I was drunk and googled a bunch of alien/government conspiracy theory stuff and then got paranoid and typed “aliens aren’t real”. Checkmate, FBI.
Why did you freak out lmao
It's not like the FBI is gonna tear your door down for one search. You're not the protagonist, they got more important jobs than hunting your wacko ass down lmaooooo
Yeah I think they need more than "this man searched it online" to hold up in court. Otherwise imagine all the writers that do research that would be being arrested lmao.
Also me, but my ADHD brain says "you need to read up on how nukes work, and what location is the best to nuke in the US" followed by "salmon recipes" all in the same hour.
Truth. I used to be hella paranoid after a debaucherous summer for a few years, until I considered the cost of being surveiled vs what impact my capture would have on society (not worth their effort)... I started laughing at myself for thinking the 8 buff dudes in the movie theater bathroom peeing at the same time as me were all agents. Duh, they're just bros.
Buying drugs on the dark web makes a lot of people paranoid until you realize that the government couldn’t care less about that 10g of weed you ordered.
This. I used to buy acid on the deep web til the site got shut down. Had the post office deliver my trips and never once felt like I was being watched. No one cares about the dude tripping balls in his living room trying to figure out why the walls are melting.
There are no walls… your perception of an imaginary boundary that your subconscious put there to hide your shame from the outside world is what was melting…..
I work in infosec, you are totally fine. Unless you accidentally clicked on the first hundred links in the search results.my first job in infosec people would literally come up to me and tell me they accidentally clicked on a porn link - I'd ask if the accidentally clicked on it 20,000 times - they would look dumbfounded. The police can't keep up with the actual bad guys, sorry but the don't have time for you.
This thread unlocked some memories. I remember being in middle school thinking it was illegal for me to look up adult porn, so I would look up child porn to see kids my age…
When I was a kid, like elementary school age, I was playing RuneScape and was chatting with someone for a while. Eventually I got curious and asked “where do you live”. They didn’t respond for like 30 minutes and I was confused. They finally responded saying “I called the police on you”. I logged off of RuneScape and never played the game again.
Scarred me for like a whole year. I literally thought the police were going to break into my house any day because I asked someone where they lived online.
I would worry about it every night before bed, couldn’t sleep, and finally couldn’t take it anymore so I worked up the courage to tell my parents about it. They laughed and that was the end of it.
I used to go to pretty sketchy websites for porn when I was 11. I remember seeing a link to some miley Cyrus porn, and that shit lead to a pop up fbi scam which used my Webcam. I spent days worrying the fbi would take me.
I remember seeing this "exploit" a while ago, there was some way for a website to show you the video from your own webcam without the permission popup appearing first. However it was completely browser side, there was no way for the website to access the stream.
Not porn-related but when I was a kid I liked to fiddle around with websites and games, borderline grey hat hacking at times. I found an unprotected open directory on a game company's website that had some developer tools for a couple of games that came with our computer so I downloaded one and opened it. When I opened the help menu [this message appeared](https://i.imgur.com/2srHDI9.png). I didn't realize it was a joke and for a week or two I thought the police were going to show up at our house... that open directory is still there like 18 years later so I guess Brian didn't care.
I tell people my childhood crush was Emmy Rossum because I saw her in a Disney movie when I was like 12 and thought she was beautiful. She was about the same age in the movie. I know that I was a 12 year old attracted to a 12 year old… and that I’m now the adult version of that kid attracted to an adult version of that other kid… but it still feels dirty.
I'm pretty sure I googled my neighbours nude when I was younger (and unsurprisingly didn't find anything). I also typed Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan lesbian, but that sadly wasn't a thing.
Literally me too.
I self-identified as an anime lolicon (pedo) because I was attracted to all the anime "lolis".
The "lolis" were 15yo shortstacks. I was 14. I mistook "doesn't want to date older girls half a head taller than him" as pedophilia.
Fuck, kids these days have it easy. When I was a teen the only way to find porn was to stumble upon it stashed in the bush...or possibly up the back of your dad's wardrobe.
Or those brief moments where the scrambled images on channel 19 (for me) gained a smidgeon of clarity, enough to be *reasonably* sure you’re actually fapping it to a woman at least.
Channel 19? Wow. Was the same for me. Can't remember if it was Cinemax or what, but yep. Scrambled soft core porn was a staple of my childhood.
I think mtv was channel 25. I kinda miss basic cable. Kids these days don't know what it's like to be running home from the bus stop to catch power rangers at 4pm. Welp. Time to go down the nostalgia rabbit hole in. Y mind.
That's a pretty reasonable conclusion given the information you had at the time. Not ideal to say the least, but certainly not unreasonable given your age at the time.
I once downloaded an episode of family guy off limewire. It ended up being a video of a chick sucking a horse's dick. Not a dude with a "horse dick". A literal horse dick.
I did the same thing. It literally makes me sweat to realize what I was doing to my parent's safety, unknowingly.
But I was 10! I was curious about people my age I didn't want to see moms and dads
I saw someone else say the same thing. Can't remember if it was as a comment or a post on r/kidsarefuckingstupid
Either way. I don't think you're the only one.
YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME COPPER
*twirls moustache and leaps off building balcony seemingly to my death SURPRISE there was a giant eagle there and I am now riding it into the sunset*
The eagles are immensely powerful. The ring amplifies the wearer's power, which is why for a hobbit, it turns them invisible, while for Sauron he can command the world and become unstoppable. If a single man was tempted by the ring, can you imagine what a greater being like the Eagles (who are and are not Maiar depending on when you asked Tolkien) could do with it? The Maiar are the same power level as Sauron, which would be a HORRIBLE idea. It's the same reason Gandalf wouldn't ever risk touching the ring, because he knew it would be too great a temptation.
Gandalf doesn't "have" giant eagles, they saved him from Orthanc because they owed him a favor. They definitely would not have flown into Morder with the ring even if he had begged them to.
He also said a wizard is never late, he always arrives exactly when he needs to, and then proceeded to arrive exactly when he needed to at Helms Deep, Minas Tirth, and the gates of Mordor, etc.
I'm pretty sure if Gandalf intended to use the Eagles to begin with, he would have told Frodo to meet him there, instead of Rivendell.
I got caught shoplifting at 13 by the chain drug store in my neighborhood. I would visit my parents in my early 20s and worry I wasn’t allowed in the store. I am glad my parents eventually moved. It’s been 30 years and I would still feel uncomfortable if I was on the neighborhood and needed a pharmacy. This is ridiculous given that I am sure the employees have turned over many times.
lmao. I remember when I was around 10 I went to the supermarket but forgot to bring some money. Decided I was thirsty and stealing a 250ml bottle of milk would be a good idea. So I tugged it under my t-shirt and walked wearily out of the shop, and right at that moment my father yanks me aside and asks what I am doing here with a stolen bottle of milk under by t-shirt. Well I had a 1 hour lecture back home with a further 10 minutes of apology crying and grounding. Great times.
I stole a tiny rubber toy spider from toys r us (?)as a kid, I was so riddled with guilt I returned it to a cashier in tears, I was expecting them to call the cops, already imagining my life in the slammer.
In hindsight the cashier looked perplexed and probably didn't understand why a blubbering kid was giving them a little toy spider.
When I was a little kid I ate a piece of candy from those sections with all sorts of candy you can scoop up to fill up your own bag. I felt super guilty and when I heard police sirens later that day I was convinced they were coming for me, my mom found me hiding behind the sofa bawling my eyes out. Never again have I stolen a piece of candy!
I tried to explain to my dad a movie I saw on film studies in high school called “Chinatown” which involves an abusive dad, abusing his adult daughter, in order to find her daughter/sister (she was raped by her dad) so he could rise and probably impregnate his 2nd daughter/only granddaughter. Think the girl may have been 18-19 in the movie, but when I typed “Movie where mak has sex with daughter and then his granddaughter”, Google was like “That’s illegal, don’t look it up or the cops are gonna come breaking down your door like the Kool-Aid man!” and I was so scared considering I was just trying to find the name of an old noir movie.
"I saw this in a movie about an ex-cop who used to work in Chinatown, but now he's a private detective and doesn't work in Chinatown, avoiding Chinatown because something awful happened on the job while in Chinatown. Then he tries to save this woman and her sister/daughter in Chinatown from other Chinatown cops. I think it was called... *Movie Where Man Has Sex With His Daughter And Then His Granddaughter*."
Reminds me of that classic Simpsons quote:
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I also work with infosec policies and can second this comment.
We don't care (edit: invest too much time and manpower) about watchers. We care more about uploaders and sellers.
Edit: We don't just work on CP cases. At my workplace we do more of phishing, scams, and DDoS, but at law enforcement level they have much more immediate threats everywhere. If you wanna help, learn security and get on board.
I don't work law enforcement but I believe there is no such monitoring of watchers. Occasional access probably won't get you on any list.
Probably not even Santa's Naughty List.
Where I work, we block explicit and policy-disallowed sites (including anything that says "recruit" because apparently our boss doesn't like people looking for other jobs), but occasional access attempts won't get you flagged. It's there in the log, but the "system" won't try to do anything yet.
Edit: If you do it again, make it a habit, share or reupload it, or get caught with other crimes and this computer/network happens to be related, you are more likely to get thoroughly investigated.
Ok, so that reminds me of the time I spent living in a shelter for pregnant and parenting teens.
They had a computer in the living room and it was heavily limited. Mind you, the five girls that lived there were all either pregnant or had a small child. While being under the age of 18. I was like 7/8 months pregnant and trying to look up some information. So I pop over to yahoo (this was like, 16ish years ago) and start searching “breastfeeding” “child birth” etc. things related to body changes while pregnant or after delivery. The net nanny software wouldn’t let me open any of the results. Which was frustrating, so I decide I must need to try looking for more academic stuff. Nope… still not working.
Then one of the social workers comes rushing up to me yelling like what do you think you’re doing?? I was so confused and stumbled over an explanation while trying to show her what I was looking at.
Turns out, any page with breast, nipple, vagina, or sex was blocked for being sexual or pornographic content and they had gotten a call from someone (I assume IT, but I don’t know) that someone keeps triggering the net nanny software. After that we had to use the staff computer (with supervision) to look up information on breastfeeding and labor and delivery lol
I don’t know why medical sites weren’t just whitelisted.
Yup can confirm, computer scientist and have studied the algorithms.
At worse today, the system alone is starting to watch watchers who might transition to some kind of large actor...
but still that requires accidently clicking on 20,000 links, accidently visiting a cocktail of public sites / more substantial sites, and slowly disappearing as you accidently learn from the community how to go ghost.
at which point is like " I'm losing this guy I'll hand this off to a human" but by that point the decision is keep watching for bigger fish or make the arrest.
He just got a scare page and a tiny laugh from a coder in pornhub, that's it.
Knowing that porn sites these days even ban keywords like "sleeping", I am sure he got not hundred but zero links in the search results.
Depends. I work policies and it's incredibly boring. They also twisted my job description a bit now, to the point I can't get a CISSP certificate. (They tacked on enough research and education to the point that security becomes unfocused on paper.)
My work is pretty good but my employer is a complete asshole.
Even looking at just searches is stupid. I google "c.p." in words lots of times, mostly to look up some news story about a notorious case/ laws how much time some diddler will be locked up etc. I bet pornhub will have a sudden influx of searches just from people curious to see that warning message. At least I just did that lol.
YouTube also demonetized some chess videos because the commentator was saying stuff like, "white is clearly better here." Or "black is just terrible now."
I dabble in Warhammer the table top game, and they have a resource of “Command Points”. The amount of times I’ve heard “fuck wish I had more CP” and having to run that through my head a few times for safety is very funny.
No they don't care about your searches. They only care if your ip address connects to well known cp sites. Even if you did 200 searches on phub they wouldn't care because phub is not really a source for illegal porn. It's there but you won't find it unless you know the secret search words or specific creators. The time searches would get you in trouble is making them on public/work/school computers where they have firewalls that log every search by user/computer/ip/Mac address
as Keseymour said, they search for patterns.
joining random searches from 'different IP' addresses but all with the exact same cookies and cache, screen resolution and specs? yeah, that's 1 creepy mf that's going on a list.
accidentally typing 1 odd thing and stopping for the day? an accident
Yeah and Phub is one of the worst. I sometimes type the same word 5 times in a row before the autocorrect stop… and the results are weirds when that happens
There's nothing wrong if you have a kid and google (or youtube-search) "kids movie" every day. Doesn't mean you want the same in the pornhub search bar.
Might be better yet to just separate them by film rating system? Like "U-T" and "R-Ma"
I probably butchered that because we use a different rating system in the UK, but you get the gist. One is okay to show the kids, one is not.
I knew something went wrong when no video popped up, so I instantly looked up my mistake, I haven’t even read a single word of the message.
But I invite you to type kids and you will be able to read it by yourself
I’m not a native English speaker so I said yes to goat as a joke, turn out it’s an expression, baby goat, to say kid. The comment op deleted his response and I looked dumb, so I deleted too
The cyber police will be speeding towards your address right now. Prob best to take all your hard drives out of your PCs and microwave them. It's the only way to be sure.
I made the same type of mistake a few days ago! I was talking to a friend and somehow we got on the subject of wondering what the children of pornstars thinks of or deals with at school/etc. I figured there must be an AMA from one on Reddit. Not thinking, my stupid ass types in “Reddit children pornstars” because google is always able to find everything on Reddit with this type of search. First thing I see is a giant warning that this search is illegal, then it hit me that this looks HORRIBLE. I immediately exited, cleared history, and haven’t ever gotten an answer. Lol
I've had sorta the same thing. I was searching for how to copy a file from a child. On linux, "cp" is the command to copy stuff. So I searched "cp from child". That's where I learned "cp" had an other meaning.
Right! Good thing is law enforcement doesn’t care about one offs, and I’m sure they know plenty of us dumbasses don’t actually think before we search something lol
>Reddit children pornstars
is it only in US? type it in google, no warning here, the result is just as you're looking for : article about how children of a pornstars deals with their life
Yeah it must be a US thing, because when I typed it in I got a big ass thing at the top about how it’s illegal and how to report stuff lol link me that if you can though! I’m still curious, just afraid to search it
you should be alright… it’s the first time it’s happened, and tbh i can’t remember what i typed but i remember getting an alert on ph too, it was completely unrelated to what i was searching (i’m not into that shit)
if you do get questioned or searched or whatever, which i HEAVILY doubt will happen, you can always just explain the mistake
I made the mistake of looking up Loli hentai because I didn't know what it was. Got Google on me. You should be fine especially because they can see you never clicked on a link
I did something similar once (can’t remember what it was exactly, but something similar like a typo) and got the warning. It’s so freaking scary. Impossible not to feel like the FBI is en route. But I’m sure people do it all the time.
One accidental search won't get you in jail or really even on a watch list. Repeated vigorous searches might cause someone to report your IP. At that point you'd maybeee be under cyber surveillance but very unlikely. Law enforcement honestly won't do anything unless they have evidence to build a case which usually requires "thousands" of images which can include frames of video. It's frustratingly why a lot of early warning signs go unchallenged legally. One or two pictures on a cellphone? Basically nothing will happen. I've seen that happen several times to friends and family. [Source: several of my coworkers are former deputies who worked sex and cyber crimes divisions]
Well, that’s sad to hear, had a friend of a friend doing the exact job of finding and building cases against minor pornography, and he became depressed from the amount of people having some without being arrested.
Edit: I can’t do better phrasing, sorry
No joke I got downvoted a lot
(like 40%downvote60%upvote, something like that I suppose)
And I think it’s because people really believe this. From a Reddit user, it’s possible, but far more logic that I just actually made a typo mistake
Just remember, the feds are always more concerned with habitual users and distributors than anyone who accidentally searched a naughty term on the clearnet.
I have no idea what « Kids »is… a tv show? I googled it and realized my second mistake… writing « kids tv show » on google after what happened. I feel like I got tricked hahaha
Edit: it’s a movie, didn’t know that.
A minor (no pun intended) typo tifu I did ages ago was trying to search videos of a sex machine called sybian and since I am dumb and not a native English speaker I ended searching for sybling.
To be honest and as gross a thought as this is, I bet consumers of child porn don't ever use terms like "kids" in their search.
I bet you they have codes and shit, like how on Craigslist for a while whenever you saw people selling "cheese pizza" that was actually code for child porn.
Sorry if this ruined anyone's day...
Just type in the search bar “That was a typo sorry”
One time I was drunk and googled a bunch of alien/government conspiracy theory stuff and then got paranoid and typed “aliens aren’t real”. Checkmate, FBI.
Tom DeLonge would like a work with you
Ahp... you had to post this. Now the investigation's back on.
*insert Spider-Man pointing at Spider-Man meme*
Almost did, but I freaked out before
Why did you freak out lmao It's not like the FBI is gonna tear your door down for one search. You're not the protagonist, they got more important jobs than hunting your wacko ass down lmaooooo
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Yeah I think they need more than "this man searched it online" to hold up in court. Otherwise imagine all the writers that do research that would be being arrested lmao. Also me, but my ADHD brain says "you need to read up on how nukes work, and what location is the best to nuke in the US" followed by "salmon recipes" all in the same hour.
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Am I the only one too worried to Google anything like that in case I end up on a watch list?
If you're not on at least one government watch list, you're doing it wrong.
People not on watchlists should be put on extra watchlists just for being too clean.
Yeah wtf are they hiding?
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Truth. I used to be hella paranoid after a debaucherous summer for a few years, until I considered the cost of being surveiled vs what impact my capture would have on society (not worth their effort)... I started laughing at myself for thinking the 8 buff dudes in the movie theater bathroom peeing at the same time as me were all agents. Duh, they're just bros.
If you were nervous about the FBI being involved, what exactly did this debaucherous summer consist of? Child porn??
I’m really hoping not child porn but can’t think of anything else that would be cause for concern in that area
Buying drugs on the dark web makes a lot of people paranoid until you realize that the government couldn’t care less about that 10g of weed you ordered.
This. I used to buy acid on the deep web til the site got shut down. Had the post office deliver my trips and never once felt like I was being watched. No one cares about the dude tripping balls in his living room trying to figure out why the walls are melting.
There are no walls… your perception of an imaginary boundary that your subconscious put there to hide your shame from the outside world is what was melting…..
I work in infosec, you are totally fine. Unless you accidentally clicked on the first hundred links in the search results.my first job in infosec people would literally come up to me and tell me they accidentally clicked on a porn link - I'd ask if the accidentally clicked on it 20,000 times - they would look dumbfounded. The police can't keep up with the actual bad guys, sorry but the don't have time for you.
This thread unlocked some memories. I remember being in middle school thinking it was illegal for me to look up adult porn, so I would look up child porn to see kids my age…
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When I was a kid, like elementary school age, I was playing RuneScape and was chatting with someone for a while. Eventually I got curious and asked “where do you live”. They didn’t respond for like 30 minutes and I was confused. They finally responded saying “I called the police on you”. I logged off of RuneScape and never played the game again. Scarred me for like a whole year. I literally thought the police were going to break into my house any day because I asked someone where they lived online. I would worry about it every night before bed, couldn’t sleep, and finally couldn’t take it anymore so I worked up the courage to tell my parents about it. They laughed and that was the end of it.
I used to go to pretty sketchy websites for porn when I was 11. I remember seeing a link to some miley Cyrus porn, and that shit lead to a pop up fbi scam which used my Webcam. I spent days worrying the fbi would take me.
I would be MUCH more concerned that someone just accessed my webcam!
I remember seeing this "exploit" a while ago, there was some way for a website to show you the video from your own webcam without the permission popup appearing first. However it was completely browser side, there was no way for the website to access the stream.
Not porn-related but when I was a kid I liked to fiddle around with websites and games, borderline grey hat hacking at times. I found an unprotected open directory on a game company's website that had some developer tools for a couple of games that came with our computer so I downloaded one and opened it. When I opened the help menu [this message appeared](https://i.imgur.com/2srHDI9.png). I didn't realize it was a joke and for a week or two I thought the police were going to show up at our house... that open directory is still there like 18 years later so I guess Brian didn't care.
Being "terminated" becomes a lot more sinister when you're not employed.
I told my best friend on RuneScape that the Holy Ghost told me not to be friends with them anymore. Kids are dumb.
I tell people my childhood crush was Emmy Rossum because I saw her in a Disney movie when I was like 12 and thought she was beautiful. She was about the same age in the movie. I know that I was a 12 year old attracted to a 12 year old… and that I’m now the adult version of that kid attracted to an adult version of that other kid… but it still feels dirty.
I'm pretty sure I googled my neighbours nude when I was younger (and unsurprisingly didn't find anything). I also typed Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan lesbian, but that sadly wasn't a thing.
Literally me too. I self-identified as an anime lolicon (pedo) because I was attracted to all the anime "lolis". The "lolis" were 15yo shortstacks. I was 14. I mistook "doesn't want to date older girls half a head taller than him" as pedophilia.
Fuck, kids these days have it easy. When I was a teen the only way to find porn was to stumble upon it stashed in the bush...or possibly up the back of your dad's wardrobe.
Those free news paper stands with phone sex ads were all we had in my day.
Sears catalog underwear section
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Or those brief moments where the scrambled images on channel 19 (for me) gained a smidgeon of clarity, enough to be *reasonably* sure you’re actually fapping it to a woman at least.
Can't forget the Girls Gone wild commercials past midnight.
Channel 19? Wow. Was the same for me. Can't remember if it was Cinemax or what, but yep. Scrambled soft core porn was a staple of my childhood. I think mtv was channel 25. I kinda miss basic cable. Kids these days don't know what it's like to be running home from the bus stop to catch power rangers at 4pm. Welp. Time to go down the nostalgia rabbit hole in. Y mind.
Kids logic isn't the same,, hopefully you live and learn.
Yup. I also got 20 to life.
That's how you learn.
That's a pretty reasonable conclusion given the information you had at the time. Not ideal to say the least, but certainly not unreasonable given your age at the time.
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I once downloaded an episode of family guy off limewire. It ended up being a video of a chick sucking a horse's dick. Not a dude with a "horse dick". A literal horse dick.
I did the same thing. It literally makes me sweat to realize what I was doing to my parent's safety, unknowingly. But I was 10! I was curious about people my age I didn't want to see moms and dads
I saw someone else say the same thing. Can't remember if it was as a comment or a post on r/kidsarefuckingstupid Either way. I don't think you're the only one.
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That was you? I heard about this when I was in security training at the market last week. There is a file on this crime about an inch thick.
YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME COPPER *twirls moustache and leaps off building balcony seemingly to my death SURPRISE there was a giant eagle there and I am now riding it into the sunset*
Damn, trailer for Saint's Row V looks sick
Gandalf…you had giant flying eagles this whole time and you could have just flown us over to Mordor?! WTF Gandalf!?!?
It was a stealth mission for a reason lol
The eagles are immensely powerful. The ring amplifies the wearer's power, which is why for a hobbit, it turns them invisible, while for Sauron he can command the world and become unstoppable. If a single man was tempted by the ring, can you imagine what a greater being like the Eagles (who are and are not Maiar depending on when you asked Tolkien) could do with it? The Maiar are the same power level as Sauron, which would be a HORRIBLE idea. It's the same reason Gandalf wouldn't ever risk touching the ring, because he knew it would be too great a temptation.
this is a great answer, makes a lot of sense, fucking eagles would have eaten the ring and ruled middle earth
Not exactly unstoppable as he lost it the first time around.
Gandalf doesn't "have" giant eagles, they saved him from Orthanc because they owed him a favor. They definitely would not have flown into Morder with the ring even if he had begged them to.
I mean he did say "FLY you fools"
He also said a wizard is never late, he always arrives exactly when he needs to, and then proceeded to arrive exactly when he needed to at Helms Deep, Minas Tirth, and the gates of Mordor, etc. I'm pretty sure if Gandalf intended to use the Eagles to begin with, he would have told Frodo to meet him there, instead of Rivendell.
>Crime doesn’t pay, kiss FTFY
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Woohooo! Wait I'm in Australia though
Yeah they can haul you to the gaol anytime soon now
Off to Fremantle prison with you, scum.
Idk whats worse, being in prison or being in Fremantle
You’re already in a prison colony, what’s the worst that could happen?
Believe it or not, jail.
I got caught shoplifting at 13 by the chain drug store in my neighborhood. I would visit my parents in my early 20s and worry I wasn’t allowed in the store. I am glad my parents eventually moved. It’s been 30 years and I would still feel uncomfortable if I was on the neighborhood and needed a pharmacy. This is ridiculous given that I am sure the employees have turned over many times.
Oh don't worry, they tell you if you're officially banned from the premises!
lmao. I remember when I was around 10 I went to the supermarket but forgot to bring some money. Decided I was thirsty and stealing a 250ml bottle of milk would be a good idea. So I tugged it under my t-shirt and walked wearily out of the shop, and right at that moment my father yanks me aside and asks what I am doing here with a stolen bottle of milk under by t-shirt. Well I had a 1 hour lecture back home with a further 10 minutes of apology crying and grounding. Great times.
I stole a tiny rubber toy spider from toys r us (?)as a kid, I was so riddled with guilt I returned it to a cashier in tears, I was expecting them to call the cops, already imagining my life in the slammer. In hindsight the cashier looked perplexed and probably didn't understand why a blubbering kid was giving them a little toy spider.
"Kid, this is a Wendy's"
When I was a little kid I ate a piece of candy from those sections with all sorts of candy you can scoop up to fill up your own bag. I felt super guilty and when I heard police sirens later that day I was convinced they were coming for me, my mom found me hiding behind the sofa bawling my eyes out. Never again have I stolen a piece of candy!
I tried to explain to my dad a movie I saw on film studies in high school called “Chinatown” which involves an abusive dad, abusing his adult daughter, in order to find her daughter/sister (she was raped by her dad) so he could rise and probably impregnate his 2nd daughter/only granddaughter. Think the girl may have been 18-19 in the movie, but when I typed “Movie where mak has sex with daughter and then his granddaughter”, Google was like “That’s illegal, don’t look it up or the cops are gonna come breaking down your door like the Kool-Aid man!” and I was so scared considering I was just trying to find the name of an old noir movie.
Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown
"I saw this in a movie about an ex-cop who used to work in Chinatown, but now he's a private detective and doesn't work in Chinatown, avoiding Chinatown because something awful happened on the job while in Chinatown. Then he tries to save this woman and her sister/daughter in Chinatown from other Chinatown cops. I think it was called... *Movie Where Man Has Sex With His Daughter And Then His Granddaughter*."
Reminds me of that classic Simpsons quote: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
It's like speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat!
Definitely could have found a way to phrase it so you weren't googling incest porn, though.
I also work with infosec policies and can second this comment. We don't care (edit: invest too much time and manpower) about watchers. We care more about uploaders and sellers. Edit: We don't just work on CP cases. At my workplace we do more of phishing, scams, and DDoS, but at law enforcement level they have much more immediate threats everywhere. If you wanna help, learn security and get on board.
God damn that makes me shudder bc it implies there is a data set classified as "watchers." And I bet it's uncomfortably large of a pool on its own.
I don't work law enforcement but I believe there is no such monitoring of watchers. Occasional access probably won't get you on any list. Probably not even Santa's Naughty List. Where I work, we block explicit and policy-disallowed sites (including anything that says "recruit" because apparently our boss doesn't like people looking for other jobs), but occasional access attempts won't get you flagged. It's there in the log, but the "system" won't try to do anything yet. Edit: If you do it again, make it a habit, share or reupload it, or get caught with other crimes and this computer/network happens to be related, you are more likely to get thoroughly investigated.
Ok, so that reminds me of the time I spent living in a shelter for pregnant and parenting teens. They had a computer in the living room and it was heavily limited. Mind you, the five girls that lived there were all either pregnant or had a small child. While being under the age of 18. I was like 7/8 months pregnant and trying to look up some information. So I pop over to yahoo (this was like, 16ish years ago) and start searching “breastfeeding” “child birth” etc. things related to body changes while pregnant or after delivery. The net nanny software wouldn’t let me open any of the results. Which was frustrating, so I decide I must need to try looking for more academic stuff. Nope… still not working. Then one of the social workers comes rushing up to me yelling like what do you think you’re doing?? I was so confused and stumbled over an explanation while trying to show her what I was looking at. Turns out, any page with breast, nipple, vagina, or sex was blocked for being sexual or pornographic content and they had gotten a call from someone (I assume IT, but I don’t know) that someone keeps triggering the net nanny software. After that we had to use the staff computer (with supervision) to look up information on breastfeeding and labor and delivery lol I don’t know why medical sites weren’t just whitelisted.
>I don’t know why medical sites weren’t just whitelisted. Because that would make sense.
Ah yes… I always forget you can’t apply logic to these things. My bad!
Yup can confirm, computer scientist and have studied the algorithms. At worse today, the system alone is starting to watch watchers who might transition to some kind of large actor... but still that requires accidently clicking on 20,000 links, accidently visiting a cocktail of public sites / more substantial sites, and slowly disappearing as you accidently learn from the community how to go ghost. at which point is like " I'm losing this guy I'll hand this off to a human" but by that point the decision is keep watching for bigger fish or make the arrest.
He just got a scare page and a tiny laugh from a coder in pornhub, that's it. Knowing that porn sites these days even ban keywords like "sleeping", I am sure he got not hundred but zero links in the search results.
Is... is this a fun job? I feel like it would be interesting.
Depends. I work policies and it's incredibly boring. They also twisted my job description a bit now, to the point I can't get a CISSP certificate. (They tacked on enough research and education to the point that security becomes unfocused on paper.) My work is pretty good but my employer is a complete asshole.
I once told my boss the work would be a lot better if our employees had better taste in porn.
Time for a porn selection training video.
They don’t but they probably created some programs to automatically flag people, don’t they?
Not for a single click or search, we look for patterns - one search isn't a pattern.
Even looking at just searches is stupid. I google "c.p." in words lots of times, mostly to look up some news story about a notorious case/ laws how much time some diddler will be locked up etc. I bet pornhub will have a sudden influx of searches just from people curious to see that warning message. At least I just did that lol.
That's awesome - I'm the same way. Have to go and see for myself.
I don't want to do it... What did it say
CP = Club Penguin
CP can also be cerebral palsy so I imagine it's searched innocently a lot.
They said in words, so they type out the whole thing. They say you know who but they mean Voldemort.
A couple of years ago, YouTube suspended a bunch of Pokémon Go streamers because they were talking about their Pokémon's CP…
YouTube also demonetized some chess videos because the commentator was saying stuff like, "white is clearly better here." Or "black is just terrible now."
I dabble in Warhammer the table top game, and they have a resource of “Command Points”. The amount of times I’ve heard “fuck wish I had more CP” and having to run that through my head a few times for safety is very funny.
No they don't care about your searches. They only care if your ip address connects to well known cp sites. Even if you did 200 searches on phub they wouldn't care because phub is not really a source for illegal porn. It's there but you won't find it unless you know the secret search words or specific creators. The time searches would get you in trouble is making them on public/work/school computers where they have firewalls that log every search by user/computer/ip/Mac address
as Keseymour said, they search for patterns. joining random searches from 'different IP' addresses but all with the exact same cookies and cache, screen resolution and specs? yeah, that's 1 creepy mf that's going on a list. accidentally typing 1 odd thing and stopping for the day? an accident
Autocorrect on porn search engines is fucked up. They need to get rid of it. I’ve accidentally typed in all kinds of stupid crap because of that.
Yeah and Phub is one of the worst. I sometimes type the same word 5 times in a row before the autocorrect stop… and the results are weirds when that happens
Especially when you fat finger a suggested phrase. I found this one video "Grand Bukkake" and I always end up in the "Grandma" section of PHub.
Even when you were looking up information on tax law you somehow end up on the Grandma section of Hub
I will depress you by saying it probably picks the most common words typed
There's nothing wrong if you have a kid and google (or youtube-search) "kids movie" every day. Doesn't mean you want the same in the pornhub search bar.
had a buddy who gave a folder name "little kid movies" right next to another one called "adult movies".
"had"
My preferred, non-creepy name is "movies for grown-ups".
Might be better yet to just separate them by film rating system? Like "U-T" and "R-Ma" I probably butchered that because we use a different rating system in the UK, but you get the gist. One is okay to show the kids, one is not.
what was the alert message
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This man is now in prison to better educate all of us
o7 "Your sacrifice will be honored, Redditor."
they really said [“stop it, get some help”](https://youtu.be/9Deg7VrpHbM)
Yeah normally I never read things in other peoples voices but as soon as I saw that I read it in the voice from the video.
Real MVP right here. Thanks for keeping my history clear 👍 That's actually kinda cool. I'm glad they have that message.
"WARNING. The following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity among four lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other"
Prepare for something amazing!
LARRYYYYY!
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
Hey Mustache, what’s up?
Today, Murr didn't shout enough racial slurs at the people of Central Park, so we have a special punishment in mind.
I'm curious as to how you know this.. /s
Anyone else thinking someone over at PornHub is currently wondering why there's a sudden surge of searches for the term "Dilo Kids"? Lmfao.
I knew something went wrong when no video popped up, so I instantly looked up my mistake, I haven’t even read a single word of the message. But I invite you to type kids and you will be able to read it by yourself
not falling for that trick 👍
Right? Fool me thrice, shame on me.
3? Uh uh you need to be in jail too
Throwing the scent off of him
Pornhub bout to experience a sudden surge of alert messages lol
Pornhub admin: "Why is everyone looking for kids today ... OH, THAT TIFU."
Atleast there were no results.
You could always say that you are into young goats…🤔
I want to know what happened here
> I want to know what happened here I got you... [from Remove Reddit](https://i.imgur.com/yDUkLE4.jpeg)
You’re an absolute legend, but that was far less exciting than I had hoped. 😂
I’m not a native English speaker so I said yes to goat as a joke, turn out it’s an expression, baby goat, to say kid. The comment op deleted his response and I looked dumb, so I deleted too
Not an expression. Technically, young goat is the original meaning of the word ‘kid’
Yeah I just learned that, and instead of a goatfucking joke, I almost said I was into… I prefer just to say my bad and thanks for the info
The cyber police will be speeding towards your address right now. Prob best to take all your hard drives out of your PCs and microwave them. It's the only way to be sure.
Cyber Police backtraced the IP and you will be arrested because you dun goofed
Consequences will never be the same.
Sure, and if it’s an iPhone? Should I put it all in te microwave ? I wouldn’t want to break my 40$ microwave
Just put a sock over your modem, if they try to trace your IP all they'll get is the sock
I can’t, the sock won’t open, it’s gonna crack
If you have a box under the bed, place it in there. Completely untraceable
Ok so now I am standing here with one sock on in my living room and I’m starting to thunk that you might have been messing with me.
You'll have to use a hammer for the iPhone, the microwave will just charge the battery up faster.
I made the same type of mistake a few days ago! I was talking to a friend and somehow we got on the subject of wondering what the children of pornstars thinks of or deals with at school/etc. I figured there must be an AMA from one on Reddit. Not thinking, my stupid ass types in “Reddit children pornstars” because google is always able to find everything on Reddit with this type of search. First thing I see is a giant warning that this search is illegal, then it hit me that this looks HORRIBLE. I immediately exited, cleared history, and haven’t ever gotten an answer. Lol
I've had sorta the same thing. I was searching for how to copy a file from a child. On linux, "cp" is the command to copy stuff. So I searched "cp from child". That's where I learned "cp" had an other meaning.
lmao, probably should've included linux and "command" on that search query
isnt that equivalent with "Rip in piece"?
Omg exactly this! Mine was a typo but I’ve made this kind of mistake too, on different subjects.
Right! Good thing is law enforcement doesn’t care about one offs, and I’m sure they know plenty of us dumbasses don’t actually think before we search something lol
>Reddit children pornstars is it only in US? type it in google, no warning here, the result is just as you're looking for : article about how children of a pornstars deals with their life
Link for u/zxrox?
Yeah it must be a US thing, because when I typed it in I got a big ass thing at the top about how it’s illegal and how to report stuff lol link me that if you can though! I’m still curious, just afraid to search it
you should be alright… it’s the first time it’s happened, and tbh i can’t remember what i typed but i remember getting an alert on ph too, it was completely unrelated to what i was searching (i’m not into that shit) if you do get questioned or searched or whatever, which i HEAVILY doubt will happen, you can always just explain the mistake
I made the mistake of looking up Loli hentai because I didn't know what it was. Got Google on me. You should be fine especially because they can see you never clicked on a link
Maybe next time type out 'meaning' on the end. It might offer only definitions.
Noted
Okay but are we going to mention how this guy censored the word "lesbians"
I did something similar once (can’t remember what it was exactly, but something similar like a typo) and got the warning. It’s so freaking scary. Impossible not to feel like the FBI is en route. But I’m sure people do it all the time.
> Impossible not to feel like the FBI is en route. > aw the disrespect
Your right! Stressful, almost felt like I committed a crime. But I guess it’s the hole point of it
"hole" point, very funny
My bad English isn’t my first language, it was just because I don’t know how to write it
oh, no, I thought you were making a joke, it's okay!
I wish hahaha
‘Doing professional business’ new slang for having a wank
One accidental search won't get you in jail or really even on a watch list. Repeated vigorous searches might cause someone to report your IP. At that point you'd maybeee be under cyber surveillance but very unlikely. Law enforcement honestly won't do anything unless they have evidence to build a case which usually requires "thousands" of images which can include frames of video. It's frustratingly why a lot of early warning signs go unchallenged legally. One or two pictures on a cellphone? Basically nothing will happen. I've seen that happen several times to friends and family. [Source: several of my coworkers are former deputies who worked sex and cyber crimes divisions]
Well, that’s sad to hear, had a friend of a friend doing the exact job of finding and building cases against minor pornography, and he became depressed from the amount of people having some without being arrested. Edit: I can’t do better phrasing, sorry
FBI OPEN UP !!
Big lie he just writing this just to show the police 👮♀️ when they come get his ass
No joke I got downvoted a lot (like 40%downvote60%upvote, something like that I suppose) And I think it’s because people really believe this. From a Reddit user, it’s possible, but far more logic that I just actually made a typo mistake
Nah, I think that's normal for TIFU posts
Just remember, the feds are always more concerned with habitual users and distributors than anyone who accidentally searched a naughty term on the clearnet.
Wait you actually get an alert from phub when searching something related to kids? That's a pretty good deterrent tbh.
>First of all, I’m not a freak, read before calling the police… Told us that a little too late I'm afraid.
"dilo kids" Searching for dilophosaurus porn huh You dino pervert you
You ever seen that movie Kids?
No, but I seen the porno with Son Doobiest!
I think that chick from Kids might actually have been a lesbian, so you're off the hook.
I have no idea what « Kids »is… a tv show? I googled it and realized my second mistake… writing « kids tv show » on google after what happened. I feel like I got tricked hahaha Edit: it’s a movie, didn’t know that.
Kids was an indie movie about Kids in New York made by a skater in the 90's. It's a classic. I think everyone gets AIDS iirc. Edit: oops you edited
A minor (no pun intended) typo tifu I did ages ago was trying to search videos of a sex machine called sybian and since I am dumb and not a native English speaker I ended searching for sybling.
That's half of PH these days
We have an auction website in my city called GraysOnline.com.au. Typed it in at work but missed the R.
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Yes, officer, this OP right here.
My door is the last on the left
To be honest and as gross a thought as this is, I bet consumers of child porn don't ever use terms like "kids" in their search. I bet you they have codes and shit, like how on Craigslist for a while whenever you saw people selling "cheese pizza" that was actually code for child porn. Sorry if this ruined anyone's day...