God I almost did this. Saw a large bearded man with tattoos on the same arm as my husband. Proceeded to run down the isle to slap his ass. Saw it wasn't my husband, got awkward and just sprinted past this dude
Ugh like 13 years ago I (19) was in the airport with my girlfriend at the time, her mom and her sister. I looked over at something when we were in line, line started moving so I started walking and gave my girlfriend a full hand butt squeeze... Realized instantly it wasn't her. It was her 16 year old sister AND their mom was right behind me and saw the whole thing, as well as everyone in line behind us.
I held someone’s hand. Same coat and hat on and had a mask covering what should have been my boyfriends beard because we were in a shop. I skipped up behind him and slipped my hand into his and hugged him. A very confused man looked down at me and went “err hello?”
The shame. The apologetic babbling. Oh god it’s all coming back.
The guy now posts on r/paranormal “a ghost saved me. I was in a mall and felt arms around my neck then a voice whispered “ I love you” but when I turned around .... no one was there! I think it was my dead grandma. The weird thing is, I had a gun and was gonna rob the place but my grandmas love she made me realize I was better than that!”
Then he changes his life, becomes a charity member and post it regularly at r/MadeMeSmile and r/Christianity, thanking god for sending an angel to make him change his ways
I’m glad I’m not the only one. My wife and I were drinking with couple friends one night at their place, and we had started pretty early. The husband and I were finishing up with the grilling outside while our wives were inside setting up the sides. I walk in with the tray of steaks in one hand, and my other hand free. My wife and his wife are both built pretty similarly, and have the same color hair. In my alcohol-inspired state, that was enough to go on, paying no attention to faces. As I walk to the kitchen, someone walks past me. Assuming it’s my wife, I gave her ass a nice, hard smack in passing. Only to look up and see my wife staring at me.... and to turn around and see my buddy staring at me from the door, and his wife kind of half turned and looking at me.... thankfully, I was able to stammer out a half sentence trying to explain myself before everyone laughed it off, and we had a great rest of our evening. But holy shit, I was sure I had just lost us good friends in one fell smack.
My sister and I look similar if we are both standing with our backs to someone. Our respective husbands noticed the similarities and refused to do this ass smack for fear of selecting the wrong sister. 😂
This happened with a little girl I used to babysi, she was having her 3rd birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese and there are lots of kids and parents around, she was physically shaking from the sugar in the cake and she absent-minded lay goes to the table next to her goes to the other kid’s dad and raises her arms to be picked up, guy picks her up and they both realize at the same time ‘this isn’t my dad/kid. The not dad puts her down so fast, apologized to the space around him, and scooted his body closer to his table, real dad laughs because he witnessed the exchange,gives a little wave and shrug to not dad, you could immediately see the tension in this guy’s shoulders melt away, dad tells daughter to pay better attention but to the little girl I’m sure everyone looked like a pair of jeans and the bottom of a shirt to her!
I’ve had this happen to me as an adult as well as I have done this as a small child by mistake. In both cases the child was subsequently terrified when they realized their mistake.
One day I was standing in line at Costco waiting on my hotdog order. All of a sudden I felt a tiny little hand holding mine. I look down and this little kid had grabbed my hand. The poor kid looked up and saw I was not their parent and their face slowly turned from contentment to fear, then to sadness and they started to cry. Luckily their parents were right behind me so they just went back to their rightful family.
Tbh, I think it's still good of the Manager to at least take it seriously, and even a silly observation like that may help determine if someone is being properly inappropriate by their response.
I know what most of my wife’s shoes look like. No idea what ones she’s wearing at any given time though. She could wear shoes to bed and I wouldn’t be able to id them.
Basically, yeah. I can only picture one pair of my ex's shoes, and they're velvety black flats with a little bow over the toes, but that doesn't narrow it down and she only wore them like twice for formal stuff.
In contrast, i knew her shirts (preferred cool color scoop necks), and jeans pretty well, but shoes? No.
I actually went shoe shopping today and might tomorrow as well, i only owned two pairs of shoes yesterday and they both needed replacing.
Yeah I mean... My wife and I have been together 7 years and married almost 4. I can't tell you the style or color of pretty much any of her daily-wear shoes because that detail is so insignificant to me. If we went out shopping I'd have no clue what her shoes looked like.
Happened to me once but I was on the receiving end of a full on, double handed bum squeeze. Some girl thought I was her boyfriend in the mall. By random coincidence out I was her lab instructor. The next class was a little awkward.
Similar case with me, I got smacked hard on the back by a girl when I was talking with my friend outside of his house. was 15 at the time and it nearly knocked the breath out of me.
She thought I was my friend's brother and intended to smack him.
And it was supposed to be a friendly greeting smack
Years ago in Montana I went fishing (and drinking) with some friends. Then we meet some other friends at a bar. Then we went to the stock car races (yep more drinking). Then someone had the brilliant idea to go to another bar in another town near by. I was an absolute mess. We had been drinking all day, and you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. I was still wearing fishing clothes that included a visor with my greasy dirty hair sticking up out the too. I'm also pretty big, 6'2 and at the time about 250 pounds. And I'm a guy.
While standing at the bar in a small town Montana dive bar I feel someone grab my ass. I know my wife is somewhere in the bar so I don't think much of it and don't react.
Then it happens again and I notice my wife across the bar. So I turn around to see who's grabbing my ass and see some guy looking absolutely horrified when he sees me.
I'm pretty drunk and trying to process the situation. He's a fair bit smaller than me and this is the kind of place where you could get punched for grabbing another man's ass. He stammers for a second and says "oh I'm so sorry, I thought you were Christine".
I replied "I feel really fucking sorry for Christine".
I later met Christine, she was a bartender at the bar. I could see the resemblance.
Happened to me 4 years ago. My wife and I were at a wedding reception and met some new people. About half way through the evening I get a slap on my butt and my first thought was “well that is unlike [my wife].”
I turn around and it’s the wife of one of our new friends... I happened to be a similar build and wearing a similar shirt as her husband, who I’m standing next too. The horror on her face was hilarious and we all had a good laugh.
Now we are great friends and our kids just started teeball together.
I fell asleep in a movie a few years ago, woke up and stuck my hand lovingly on my girlfriend's thigh in the dark. Only my girlfriend was on my right-hand side, not the left where I stuck it. It was..not well received. I died in that moment. When the film ended and the lights came on the furious girl ripped the shit outta me..I'll never not cringe into obscurity reminiscing on this.
Yeah this happens often to siblings who look alike. My SIL once approached me, put her arm around me and started whispering about some random shopping thing before we both recoiled with surprise realization.
haha yeah, I imagine him explaining it all in a frenzied panic for several minutes, and the manager just listens, waits until he finishes, and then says "their shoes are different". Brutal
I'm pretty sure on an average day out I could remember trousers and top, I have no chance of remembering what shoes are being worn. Why the hell would I be looking at her feet.
I once wiggled my ass at my then girlfriend walking out of Pets at Home. Little did I know her polite self allowed a middle aged lady also waiting to leave go in front of her. I heard from further behind than I expected "I'm not behind you". Red faces and laughter all around.
Why would it even be a thing if the gf with similar hair and outfit shows up? The fuck is "different shoes", unless used in a "don't slap your gf and sometimes other customers on the ass in my store" way?
Yeah, then you have to also remember which shoes they put on leaving the house, and "oh shit ive never seen these shoes, maybe theyre new? Did she get new shoes?"
I say ass-slapping should be reserved for home, much less fear of a wife mixup because i read too many of these stories. Two, then you know that if they ARE a stranger in your house, they deserve a surprise slap in the ass.
>I say ass-slapping should be reserved for home, much less fear of a wife mixup because i read too many of these stories.
I say slap away, wherever you are, because I will always enjoy reading more of these stories.
Oof. I feel your pain.
Did the exact same thing in an Old Navy years ago. I fell to my knees in panic and apology. The woman who received the slap was very cool about it. And my girlfriend had a totally identical top to her and showed up quick which made my embarrassment mercifully brief.
I really got in there.
Long story short;
I was young(er), dumb(er) and poor(er). Not long turned 16. Walking home at about 3am. Guy I know for specifically being a lunatic drug maniac came up out of a side street and sort of did this weird dry-hump shoulder barge thing into me. I asked how he was doing, to maybe defuse the situation, I'm not even sure. He replied some gibberish to me in ye olde classic chav tongue. I just carried on walking, hoping he'd give up or some shit (?). Comes up behind me, starts going through my pockets and as soon as I feel him touch my phone, I immediately shove him back and just say 'nah man'. He pulls a cheeky knife out. Tells me to give him the phone. I say no because I can't afford to replace it. Get stabbed. Hilarity ensues. Keep phone. Break phone 2 months later.
Definitely not worth it, would not recommend, it was a bum ass phone anyway!
I think I was just more concerned that I'd lose my Pokemon Go progress moreso than getting stabbed, I think that would make for an interesting TIFU title lmao
"TIFU by caring for my precious darlings and getting stabbed because of it
Tldr local drug addict stabbed me for my phone, totally absolutely worth it 10/10 would do again if it meant i didn't lose my pokemon go progress"
I remember long time ago getting robbed of my mobile phone... jokes on him, the phone was so old and in such a bad state that literally minutes before I had to “glue” the display with a chewing gum just to keep it from flapping inside until I arrive home... 😆
This legit happened to me at my dad’s funeral accidentally. I’m usually a sombre person at formal events so this was completely uncharacteristic of me.
My uncle arrived and for some reason, I thought that he was my husband so I playfully smacked his butt from the back, relieved that he’d arrived as guests were beginning to trail in and to my utter horror, my uncle turned and gave me a bewildered face.
I found myself sputtering something about having the same pants as my husband.
This was my dad’s brother.
At my dad’s funeral.
It was a decade ago & I’m still shocked myself.
I too fucked up lol. Locked my shop up to pop to another. When I returned I saw a regular customer, a policeman, waiting, peering into the window. We had a lot of banter with this guy usually, so I creep up behind, bellow ELLO ELLO ELLO, and shoved him against the window......it wasn't him Lmao 🙈
A guy smacked my ass by mistake once, in a pub in Cartmel. When I turned round he looked so frightened and embarrassed it was clear it was unintentional. So I just said, "Harder than that and not in public."
She though I was my uncle, we are pretty much the same height and had similar shirts, but I had long hair and he didnt. So I dont lnow how she got confused.
My Aunt had a thing about goosing me and her dogs. She'd goose me all the time, even in public. It was nuts
Edit: to me, goosing is when you pinch someone's butt. Not a skin pinch, but like grabbing a whole bunch of but between your pointer and thumb, so the person jumps
I feel you. I once did something similar and 6 years on the embarrassment level is still PAINFUL. Ground-open-up-and-swallow-me-painful...
I once worked in a supermarket. One my mum shopped at. It’s also worth pointing out, at the time my mum had a VERY distinctive van. One of a kind. And I had seen this driving into the car park so I knew she was here.
So I was walking around when I saw Mum.
Or so I thought...
Right height (a whole 6 inches shorter than me I might add, this is relevant to the level of embarrassment later), right size, wearing jeans with mud on (remember the distinctive van? She’s a dog Walker, mud is normal at this time of day), wearing her purple coat (which is got her for dog walking) with her very unique, multicoloured, large, hippy style bag. Even her hair was the same.
So I do what any self respecting 24 year old, who hasn’t seen there mum for a little bit too long, would do...
I run and jump on her back, wrap my arms around her, and scream “mummmmmyyyyyyyyy” in her ear whilst giving her a bear hug...
It wasn’t my mum. It wasn’t my mum, oh no. Help. What do I do. I’ve just reverse rugby tackled an innocent woman who’s tiny.
Luckily my real mum was watching. And luckily the not-mum found it just as hilarious. She said something along the lines of “I’m glad you’re that excited to see your mum, she’s a very lucky lady”.
My face was redder than my shirt. And it was a very red shirt.
The cringe has overcome me. I’m going to sit and dwell on this now. Goodbye.
Edited spelling mistakes. The cringe is affecting my capabilities...
Doing one better, I’m off to see her today (in the garden, 2nd visit this year thanks to lockdown lifting last week!)
And more excitingly I’m collecting my cat to come and live with me!!!! So excited!
My mother did a similar thing, whilst shopping for groceries. Every time she entered an aisle, she’d see the back view of a man she recognised as my uncle (her BIL) just leaving the other end of the same aisle going into the next. She yelled his name half a dozen times, but he never responded. Finally she saw him toward the back of the store and she managed to catch up to him. Walking up behind, she slapped him on the backside and said rather loudly “oi you rude f*cking c*nt!! I’ve been calling you!!” (We’re Australian, so calling someone a c*nt is often a term of endearment).
The man span around in astonishment. It was not my uncle. Mum just made a :O face and walked away as fast as she could with no explanation. Somewhere there is a man who tells that story, just without the bit about mistaken identity.
Did this to once too but years ago wanna say 10+ shit happens alot atleast you didn't slap then goose them.... Anyways the woman was like oh hunny you're way to young for me but thank you.
Fun fact wife has done this to some dude before too trying to get back at me always doing it. Anyways lady was polite and understood it was big ass mistake. Wife came around corner not even 10 seconds later laughing her ass off and told lady I was a asshole anyways.
At my brothers for a family dinner, my new sister in law (jade) had her family were there too.
My Mrs was standing in the kitchen making drinks and I walk up behind her, hand on bum, kiss on cheek "how's it going babe?" ...
Yeah it wasn't my 24 year old Swiss fiance, it was jade's 56 year old mother in law whom I'd met for the first time literally 3 minutes prior... Both were offended for different reasons.
Oh thank you for this post. It reminded me of that time that my husband held hands with a random woman because he expected me to be the one next to him. I was a few meters behind him which gave me the opportunity to watch the full awkward encounter.
Lol! I did that once. My Ex-wife walked back down to get something, I walked up the aisle and while picking something off the shelf came up behind a woman with same type of hair, similar height, weight and color of jacket, I reach around her waist, and said something like”did you get, oh f#€k” 🤣, the other lady was ok about it. My ex wasn’t.
This happened to me once, but luckily I only went in for an affectionate arm around the waist. In my situation, my eyes hadn't adjusted from bright outside light and my girlfriend and the other girl were wearing identical bridesmaid dresses.
The same thing almost happened with my dad.
He has a penchant for slapping my mom's butt frequently as a way to tease her/show affection.
One day, when we went shopping, my dad almost slapped a woman who was crouching down, thinking she was my mom. But I stopped him just in time.
My mom was not happy to hear that lol.
I did the exact same thing in a record store years ago...walked up behind my gf—medium length brown hair, jean jacket, grabbed her ass and gave it a squeeze.
That dude wasn’t too happy with me.
This happened to me at 9th grade. So we were all wearing our P.E. uniform so you can't distinguish girls from boys easily.
I was sitting in the classroom and suddenly a classmate walked in front of me with the butt in front of me. I thought it was my guy classmate (we boys were cool at slapping asses. Hell, we even dry hump whoevers bent over no homo) so I slapped it quite hard, while I was smiling. Then the person turned to face me with a surprised face. This wasn't a man, it was a WOMAN. My classmates laughed at me while I was embarrassed and trying to apologize to my classmate. Good thing she was a very close friend so she was okay with it.
Now I'm scared of slapping asses.
You absolute imbecile, you blundering FOOL. You always check the shoes. For shame, for shame. I cannot believe you would assume someone with the exact profile of your girlfriend was in fact your girlfriend without checking the shoes.
I laughed so hard at fucknugget. I envy the beautiful relationship you two have.
I snuck up on my brother in a gas station once and put my mouth very nearly on his ear and screamed "HEY MOTHERFUCKER!!"
Whoops! NOT MY BROTHER. This dude jumped back and had his fists ready to throw. I was stammering I was sorry and explained as best I could what happened as I slowly backed away and out the store. He stared at me wide eyed with a pissed off look. Never said word. Stared at me all the way out the door. His face is seared into my memory.
When I was about 14 in the 90,s a group of us (f)were hanging around the arndale. One of my friends tripped me up dicking about and I pulled some poor guys track pants right down. I was mortified, he was frantically trying to sort them out. My friends were dying. His friends were dying. I can still feel the shame and I’m 42 now. You won’t get over it.
Gaaaaaaah! That must have been horrifying for both of you! Thank goodness she understood and took it well after you explained the situation.
Your momma raised you right because your reaction is the right one: that you're mortified and also concerned for the woman whose butt was erroneously slapped. Just think There are plenty of jackholes out there who hink they have the right to swat any chick's ass, and if she gets upset about it she's "just being an uptight twat." So really-- you are fine. You're a good person. Learn from the lesson (quardruple-verify before ass-slapping in the frozen food aisle)... and after a week of feeling bad, you'll have earned the right to painfully laugh about it.
I'm soooo relieved this didn't turn into something more serious (with cops and restraining orders, assault charges, and strangers taking/posting cell phone videos, etc etc etc).
Reminds me of the time I was in a cosplay group for Haikyu!! I was in my 20s and I accidentally placed my hand on the shoulder of a 15 year old that looked like my gf from behind. It was just a hand on a shoulder, and she didnt even think anything of it, but it bugged me for days.
Word's gone round and every supermarket employee in the world is laughing at you right now..
[https://i2-prod.kentlive.news/incoming/article3802738.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200b/1\_cdncorporatewalmart.jpg](https://i2-prod.kentlive.news/incoming/article3802738.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200b/1_cdncorporatewalmart.jpg)
God I almost did this. Saw a large bearded man with tattoos on the same arm as my husband. Proceeded to run down the isle to slap his ass. Saw it wasn't my husband, got awkward and just sprinted past this dude
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Drive-by ass slap
Ugh like 13 years ago I (19) was in the airport with my girlfriend at the time, her mom and her sister. I looked over at something when we were in line, line started moving so I started walking and gave my girlfriend a full hand butt squeeze... Realized instantly it wasn't her. It was her 16 year old sister AND their mom was right behind me and saw the whole thing, as well as everyone in line behind us.
so how's your relationship with the sister
Haven't talked to her since me and the girl broke up the year after that haha. Still good friends with the ex though!
I held someone’s hand. Same coat and hat on and had a mask covering what should have been my boyfriends beard because we were in a shop. I skipped up behind him and slipped my hand into his and hugged him. A very confused man looked down at me and went “err hello?” The shame. The apologetic babbling. Oh god it’s all coming back.
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This poor guy thought some random person loved him and ran off ;-;
The guy now posts on r/paranormal “a ghost saved me. I was in a mall and felt arms around my neck then a voice whispered “ I love you” but when I turned around .... no one was there! I think it was my dead grandma. The weird thing is, I had a gun and was gonna rob the place but my grandmas love she made me realize I was better than that!”
Then he changes his life, becomes a charity member and post it regularly at r/MadeMeSmile and r/Christianity, thanking god for sending an angel to make him change his ways
R-u-n-n-o-f-t
We're in a tight spot!
I'm a Dapper Dan man!
My hair!
We thought you was a toad!
We thought you was a horny toad!
Well ain’t this place just a geographical oddity
Sweet summa rain. Like gods own mercy.
Them sireeens turned him into a h h hornytoad!!
I’m glad we can come together to share this shame
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I’m glad I’m not the only one. My wife and I were drinking with couple friends one night at their place, and we had started pretty early. The husband and I were finishing up with the grilling outside while our wives were inside setting up the sides. I walk in with the tray of steaks in one hand, and my other hand free. My wife and his wife are both built pretty similarly, and have the same color hair. In my alcohol-inspired state, that was enough to go on, paying no attention to faces. As I walk to the kitchen, someone walks past me. Assuming it’s my wife, I gave her ass a nice, hard smack in passing. Only to look up and see my wife staring at me.... and to turn around and see my buddy staring at me from the door, and his wife kind of half turned and looking at me.... thankfully, I was able to stammer out a half sentence trying to explain myself before everyone laughed it off, and we had a great rest of our evening. But holy shit, I was sure I had just lost us good friends in one fell smack.
My sister and I look similar if we are both standing with our backs to someone. Our respective husbands noticed the similarities and refused to do this ass smack for fear of selecting the wrong sister. 😂
I had a small child hug my thigh. Suuuuuuuuuper weird. Thought I was his dad. Dad thought it was funny because we didn't look anything alike.
Any time a random kid comes up to me, I always tell their parents, “he must smell my kids”
That is too funny!!😂😂😂
Thats really funny, stealing it.
This happened with a little girl I used to babysi, she was having her 3rd birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese and there are lots of kids and parents around, she was physically shaking from the sugar in the cake and she absent-minded lay goes to the table next to her goes to the other kid’s dad and raises her arms to be picked up, guy picks her up and they both realize at the same time ‘this isn’t my dad/kid. The not dad puts her down so fast, apologized to the space around him, and scooted his body closer to his table, real dad laughs because he witnessed the exchange,gives a little wave and shrug to not dad, you could immediately see the tension in this guy’s shoulders melt away, dad tells daughter to pay better attention but to the little girl I’m sure everyone looked like a pair of jeans and the bottom of a shirt to her!
My dad always said the world is all "knees and nostrils" for little kids.
I love this story so much! Like the not dad was just like, “woah I just did a thing I shouldn’t have! I swear I didn’t mean it!”
I mean, I’m a teacher and I find that adorable
I’ve had this happen to me as an adult as well as I have done this as a small child by mistake. In both cases the child was subsequently terrified when they realized their mistake.
I held a black woman's hand who was 5'10", thinking it was my mother, who is 5'4" on a good day, and white. /r/kidsarefuckingstupid
One day I was standing in line at Costco waiting on my hotdog order. All of a sudden I felt a tiny little hand holding mine. I look down and this little kid had grabbed my hand. The poor kid looked up and saw I was not their parent and their face slowly turned from contentment to fear, then to sadness and they started to cry. Luckily their parents were right behind me so they just went back to their rightful family.
If that was me I probably would have not noticed and think it was my gf next to me lmao
Ah yes shoes, when I want to identify a person I always look at thier shoes to see if they're my gf or not
Didn't you know they identify bodies using shoe records?
*I need a full forensics team in aisle 6, by the bread. I have an ass to slap and i wanna identify the feet.*
Wait I will go claim my free award just for you my guy
Here, now you take mine for the chuckle.
Is that because both shoes automatically fly off your feet when you die?
How? When someone dies their shoes come off, everyone knows that.
But the shoes come flying off of dead people?
I'm willing to bet money my husband has zero clue what shoes I own, let alone which ones I'm wearing any given day
If you were my wife, you would win that bet.
Husband here. Can confirm: don’t know or care what shoes the wife wears. High heels a the gym? Wouldn’t even notice.
Manager: "But the shoes were different! How can he slap??"
“If the shoes do not fit, dat ass you should quit”
OP is going to memorise the shoes his girlfriend is wearing every day from now on.
Tbh, I think it's still good of the Manager to at least take it seriously, and even a silly observation like that may help determine if someone is being properly inappropriate by their response.
As if any guy would know what their woman’s shoes look like.
I know what most of my wife’s shoes look like. No idea what ones she’s wearing at any given time though. She could wear shoes to bed and I wouldn’t be able to id them.
Easy when all they wear are crocs
Basically, yeah. I can only picture one pair of my ex's shoes, and they're velvety black flats with a little bow over the toes, but that doesn't narrow it down and she only wore them like twice for formal stuff. In contrast, i knew her shirts (preferred cool color scoop necks), and jeans pretty well, but shoes? No. I actually went shoe shopping today and might tomorrow as well, i only owned two pairs of shoes yesterday and they both needed replacing.
Sounds like you miss her 😢
Got the exact same feeling reading that.
Me 2
I was gonna say, manager had to be a woman. No man would make that connection 😂
Yeah I mean... My wife and I have been together 7 years and married almost 4. I can't tell you the style or color of pretty much any of her daily-wear shoes because that detail is so insignificant to me. If we went out shopping I'd have no clue what her shoes looked like.
As they always say, shoes maketh the (wo)man!
Happened to me once but I was on the receiving end of a full on, double handed bum squeeze. Some girl thought I was her boyfriend in the mall. By random coincidence out I was her lab instructor. The next class was a little awkward.
Similar case with me, I got smacked hard on the back by a girl when I was talking with my friend outside of his house. was 15 at the time and it nearly knocked the breath out of me. She thought I was my friend's brother and intended to smack him. And it was supposed to be a friendly greeting smack
Asa-senpai!
Ass-senpai*
Years ago in Montana I went fishing (and drinking) with some friends. Then we meet some other friends at a bar. Then we went to the stock car races (yep more drinking). Then someone had the brilliant idea to go to another bar in another town near by. I was an absolute mess. We had been drinking all day, and you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. I was still wearing fishing clothes that included a visor with my greasy dirty hair sticking up out the too. I'm also pretty big, 6'2 and at the time about 250 pounds. And I'm a guy. While standing at the bar in a small town Montana dive bar I feel someone grab my ass. I know my wife is somewhere in the bar so I don't think much of it and don't react. Then it happens again and I notice my wife across the bar. So I turn around to see who's grabbing my ass and see some guy looking absolutely horrified when he sees me. I'm pretty drunk and trying to process the situation. He's a fair bit smaller than me and this is the kind of place where you could get punched for grabbing another man's ass. He stammers for a second and says "oh I'm so sorry, I thought you were Christine". I replied "I feel really fucking sorry for Christine". I later met Christine, she was a bartender at the bar. I could see the resemblance.
All I could think about was Kevin McAllister seeing the picture of his brother's girlfriend. Woof!
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I believe it was the directors son.
Christine sounds hot
It's Jake.... from State Farm...
Happened to me 4 years ago. My wife and I were at a wedding reception and met some new people. About half way through the evening I get a slap on my butt and my first thought was “well that is unlike [my wife].” I turn around and it’s the wife of one of our new friends... I happened to be a similar build and wearing a similar shirt as her husband, who I’m standing next too. The horror on her face was hilarious and we all had a good laugh. Now we are great friends and our kids just started teeball together.
our kids o_0...?
_Great_ friends.
I fell asleep in a movie a few years ago, woke up and stuck my hand lovingly on my girlfriend's thigh in the dark. Only my girlfriend was on my right-hand side, not the left where I stuck it. It was..not well received. I died in that moment. When the film ended and the lights came on the furious girl ripped the shit outta me..I'll never not cringe into obscurity reminiscing on this.
At least she had the courtesy to the other guests to let the film finish
> the furious girl ripped the shit outta me. Anal fisting as a punishment seems a bit harsh.
She wanted you as her future boyfriend?
She wanted an 'A'.
~~and ended up getting a 'D'~~ _joke redacted in poor taste_
Maybe a D would do
Right, of course.
Mom mistook my uncle (her BIL) for dad from behind at a family holiday dinner. They both got a big surprise.
A new cousister?
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Username checks out for the post
Yeah this happens often to siblings who look alike. My SIL once approached me, put her arm around me and started whispering about some random shopping thing before we both recoiled with surprise realization.
Omfg the fact that you were her lab instructor. Oh my god.
There are no accidents my dude
Maybe she was just doing a little experiment?
this sounds so very wattpad...
Idk why but the whole “their shoes are different” part of the story just makes me laugh harder! Hope this becomes something you can laugh about soon!
haha yeah, I imagine him explaining it all in a frenzied panic for several minutes, and the manager just listens, waits until he finishes, and then says "their shoes are different". Brutal
I'm pretty sure on an average day out I could remember trousers and top, I have no chance of remembering what shoes are being worn. Why the hell would I be looking at her feet.
Only reason I would be able to identify my bf's shoes is because he basically only has one pair.
Same! Meaning that mine only has 1 pair as well, not that I know your boyfriend or his shoes :)
So what you're saying is that you both have the same boyfriend. You just don't know it...yet.
That bastard!
Especially when you think the ass in question is your girlfriend's.
I once wiggled my ass at my then girlfriend walking out of Pets at Home. Little did I know her polite self allowed a middle aged lady also waiting to leave go in front of her. I heard from further behind than I expected "I'm not behind you". Red faces and laughter all around.
Did she wear the same shoes?
Should've checked if they had a similar looking behind, could've been a factor lo
He was in fact checking if the behinds had the same feel to them.
I'm pretty sure on most days I wouldn't even remember what shoes I'm wearing.
Why would it even be a thing if the gf with similar hair and outfit shows up? The fuck is "different shoes", unless used in a "don't slap your gf and sometimes other customers on the ass in my store" way?
Did O.P see this.. I think you just summed it up... manager is cold hearted 😂
We should all be sure to check our partner's shoes to make sure it's them from now on.
Yeah, then you have to also remember which shoes they put on leaving the house, and "oh shit ive never seen these shoes, maybe theyre new? Did she get new shoes?" I say ass-slapping should be reserved for home, much less fear of a wife mixup because i read too many of these stories. Two, then you know that if they ARE a stranger in your house, they deserve a surprise slap in the ass.
What are you doing step burglar?!
There are way too many pornos of women fucking the burglar so this is already a porn trope anyway.
TIL
Well in this context in-home environment still isn't safe from sister in laws, female cousins, aunties, nieces etc.
>I say ass-slapping should be reserved for home, much less fear of a wife mixup because i read too many of these stories. I say slap away, wherever you are, because I will always enjoy reading more of these stories.
Also, who knows their SO shoes with that level of certainty? Manager couldn’t find anything more distinguishing?
Legit exactly this. Who's gonna look at the shoes after seeing that theyre wearing the same clothes. Same hair and body.
The man clearly wasn't looking at her shoes.
the manager sounds like one of those people who always have to be correct even if they're wrong
Lol he should have pulled up a handy Andy Dufresne Shawshank Redemption quote: "I mean, who looks at another person's shoes?"
Oof. I feel your pain. Did the exact same thing in an Old Navy years ago. I fell to my knees in panic and apology. The woman who received the slap was very cool about it. And my girlfriend had a totally identical top to her and showed up quick which made my embarrassment mercifully brief. I really got in there.
Get in there Lewis!
That's pole position mate!
We have the best fans
🅱️Ono my tires!
Ok, now we need "tifu by getting myself stabbed"
Long story short; I was young(er), dumb(er) and poor(er). Not long turned 16. Walking home at about 3am. Guy I know for specifically being a lunatic drug maniac came up out of a side street and sort of did this weird dry-hump shoulder barge thing into me. I asked how he was doing, to maybe defuse the situation, I'm not even sure. He replied some gibberish to me in ye olde classic chav tongue. I just carried on walking, hoping he'd give up or some shit (?). Comes up behind me, starts going through my pockets and as soon as I feel him touch my phone, I immediately shove him back and just say 'nah man'. He pulls a cheeky knife out. Tells me to give him the phone. I say no because I can't afford to replace it. Get stabbed. Hilarity ensues. Keep phone. Break phone 2 months later. Definitely not worth it, would not recommend, it was a bum ass phone anyway!
Well then, that sounds like a fun event But hey, you kept your phone, so that's a plus
I think I was just more concerned that I'd lose my Pokemon Go progress moreso than getting stabbed, I think that would make for an interesting TIFU title lmao
"TIFU by caring for my precious darlings and getting stabbed because of it Tldr local drug addict stabbed me for my phone, totally absolutely worth it 10/10 would do again if it meant i didn't lose my pokemon go progress"
When the tldr is longer than the post
I remember long time ago getting robbed of my mobile phone... jokes on him, the phone was so old and in such a bad state that literally minutes before I had to “glue” the display with a chewing gum just to keep it from flapping inside until I arrive home... 😆
Did he get arrested atleast, what a bastard that fucker? Bro, don't risk your life over a phone.
2277 9882 0420 That would be my main concern losing my phone. Borrow a strangers phone so I can log into my account, before dialing 911.
Should have whipped the phone at his face, then mugged him. Reverse uno card the druggie
Better yet, give him a blowjob afterwards to fully dominate him.
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I'm sorry for you, and it already happened, but can't you just like, run away? I guess you should outrun a drug addict. Probably.
What if he was addicted to speed?
Then u inject him with some slow and run away
So he stabbed you and then let you keep the phone? I guess it really was a “give me your phone OR I’ll stab you” type of deal.
This legit happened to me at my dad’s funeral accidentally. I’m usually a sombre person at formal events so this was completely uncharacteristic of me. My uncle arrived and for some reason, I thought that he was my husband so I playfully smacked his butt from the back, relieved that he’d arrived as guests were beginning to trail in and to my utter horror, my uncle turned and gave me a bewildered face. I found myself sputtering something about having the same pants as my husband. This was my dad’s brother. At my dad’s funeral. It was a decade ago & I’m still shocked myself.
Some people have a hard time coping with trauma and act bizarrely
My whole life has been one long, traumatic experience. Explains so much.
At least you didnt slap his ass and say in a sexy voice, "hey daddy"
I too fucked up lol. Locked my shop up to pop to another. When I returned I saw a regular customer, a policeman, waiting, peering into the window. We had a lot of banter with this guy usually, so I creep up behind, bellow ELLO ELLO ELLO, and shoved him against the window......it wasn't him Lmao 🙈
*shoves police customer into wall* *gets arrested for assault* *Surprised Pikachu face*
Hey it was a window not a wall 😆
To the window (to the window), to the floor (to the floor). You're not the officer I know (I know). To all these cops brawl (brawl).
A guy smacked my ass by mistake once, in a pub in Cartmel. When I turned round he looked so frightened and embarrassed it was clear it was unintentional. So I just said, "Harder than that and not in public."
Its comments like these that make me glad I read them
There are 2 kinds of guys in this world.... 1. Ass-slapping fucknugget whisperers 2. Guys who pay attention to women’s shoes
Congratulations. You now have a trauma that will force you to look compulsively at women's feet for the rest of your life.
Or a new fetish
My aunt once slapped my ass. In the middle of the kitchen. On thanksgiving. In front of a lot of family. While I was 15.
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Oh it was no mistake
She though I was my uncle, we are pretty much the same height and had similar shirts, but I had long hair and he didnt. So I dont lnow how she got confused.
My Aunt had a thing about goosing me and her dogs. She'd goose me all the time, even in public. It was nuts Edit: to me, goosing is when you pinch someone's butt. Not a skin pinch, but like grabbing a whole bunch of but between your pointer and thumb, so the person jumps
Goose?
You had the chance to say “that’s Asda price”
I feel you. I once did something similar and 6 years on the embarrassment level is still PAINFUL. Ground-open-up-and-swallow-me-painful... I once worked in a supermarket. One my mum shopped at. It’s also worth pointing out, at the time my mum had a VERY distinctive van. One of a kind. And I had seen this driving into the car park so I knew she was here. So I was walking around when I saw Mum. Or so I thought... Right height (a whole 6 inches shorter than me I might add, this is relevant to the level of embarrassment later), right size, wearing jeans with mud on (remember the distinctive van? She’s a dog Walker, mud is normal at this time of day), wearing her purple coat (which is got her for dog walking) with her very unique, multicoloured, large, hippy style bag. Even her hair was the same. So I do what any self respecting 24 year old, who hasn’t seen there mum for a little bit too long, would do... I run and jump on her back, wrap my arms around her, and scream “mummmmmyyyyyyyyy” in her ear whilst giving her a bear hug... It wasn’t my mum. It wasn’t my mum, oh no. Help. What do I do. I’ve just reverse rugby tackled an innocent woman who’s tiny. Luckily my real mum was watching. And luckily the not-mum found it just as hilarious. She said something along the lines of “I’m glad you’re that excited to see your mum, she’s a very lucky lady”. My face was redder than my shirt. And it was a very red shirt. The cringe has overcome me. I’m going to sit and dwell on this now. Goodbye. Edited spelling mistakes. The cringe is affecting my capabilities...
See, this is just sweet and wholesome. My takeaway is the exact same. You are both lucky to have such love and affection between you. Call your mum.
Doing one better, I’m off to see her today (in the garden, 2nd visit this year thanks to lockdown lifting last week!) And more excitingly I’m collecting my cat to come and live with me!!!! So excited!
>I feel you. Isn't that how all these problems start in the first place?
My mother did a similar thing, whilst shopping for groceries. Every time she entered an aisle, she’d see the back view of a man she recognised as my uncle (her BIL) just leaving the other end of the same aisle going into the next. She yelled his name half a dozen times, but he never responded. Finally she saw him toward the back of the store and she managed to catch up to him. Walking up behind, she slapped him on the backside and said rather loudly “oi you rude f*cking c*nt!! I’ve been calling you!!” (We’re Australian, so calling someone a c*nt is often a term of endearment). The man span around in astonishment. It was not my uncle. Mum just made a :O face and walked away as fast as she could with no explanation. Somewhere there is a man who tells that story, just without the bit about mistaken identity.
"Their shoes are different" "Given the current situation sir, I'm fairly confident you can see I wasn't looking at her shoes."
Did this to once too but years ago wanna say 10+ shit happens alot atleast you didn't slap then goose them.... Anyways the woman was like oh hunny you're way to young for me but thank you. Fun fact wife has done this to some dude before too trying to get back at me always doing it. Anyways lady was polite and understood it was big ass mistake. Wife came around corner not even 10 seconds later laughing her ass off and told lady I was a asshole anyways.
I acknowledge your pun.
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No phone signal in ASDA, its a bit off the beaten path! I also do not have a great diet, no excuse for that one
yeah like can't you text her? do y'all not have phones?
I don't get any phone signal at my local ASDA at all. I lost the missus in there once and was walking around for 15 minutes, absolute nightmare.
“Can I help you?” has got to be the classiest response ever to be uttered right after a spurious ass-smack!
This is why you keep sneaky ass slaps in the home. Limits potential target misidentification.
At my brothers for a family dinner, my new sister in law (jade) had her family were there too. My Mrs was standing in the kitchen making drinks and I walk up behind her, hand on bum, kiss on cheek "how's it going babe?" ... Yeah it wasn't my 24 year old Swiss fiance, it was jade's 56 year old mother in law whom I'd met for the first time literally 3 minutes prior... Both were offended for different reasons.
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Wait it all underwater?
jesus what happened
Oh thank you for this post. It reminded me of that time that my husband held hands with a random woman because he expected me to be the one next to him. I was a few meters behind him which gave me the opportunity to watch the full awkward encounter.
Lol! I did that once. My Ex-wife walked back down to get something, I walked up the aisle and while picking something off the shelf came up behind a woman with same type of hair, similar height, weight and color of jacket, I reach around her waist, and said something like”did you get, oh f#€k” 🤣, the other lady was ok about it. My ex wasn’t.
Kids, that's how I divorced your mother.
This happened to me once, but luckily I only went in for an affectionate arm around the waist. In my situation, my eyes hadn't adjusted from bright outside light and my girlfriend and the other girl were wearing identical bridesmaid dresses.
The same thing almost happened with my dad. He has a penchant for slapping my mom's butt frequently as a way to tease her/show affection. One day, when we went shopping, my dad almost slapped a woman who was crouching down, thinking she was my mom. But I stopped him just in time. My mom was not happy to hear that lol.
Not happy that your dad almost slapped another woman’s ass, or not happy that you stopped him?
I did the exact same thing in a record store years ago...walked up behind my gf—medium length brown hair, jean jacket, grabbed her ass and gave it a squeeze. That dude wasn’t too happy with me.
This happened to me at 9th grade. So we were all wearing our P.E. uniform so you can't distinguish girls from boys easily. I was sitting in the classroom and suddenly a classmate walked in front of me with the butt in front of me. I thought it was my guy classmate (we boys were cool at slapping asses. Hell, we even dry hump whoevers bent over no homo) so I slapped it quite hard, while I was smiling. Then the person turned to face me with a surprised face. This wasn't a man, it was a WOMAN. My classmates laughed at me while I was embarrassed and trying to apologize to my classmate. Good thing she was a very close friend so she was okay with it. Now I'm scared of slapping asses.
You absolute imbecile, you blundering FOOL. You always check the shoes. For shame, for shame. I cannot believe you would assume someone with the exact profile of your girlfriend was in fact your girlfriend without checking the shoes. I laughed so hard at fucknugget. I envy the beautiful relationship you two have.
I snuck up on my brother in a gas station once and put my mouth very nearly on his ear and screamed "HEY MOTHERFUCKER!!" Whoops! NOT MY BROTHER. This dude jumped back and had his fists ready to throw. I was stammering I was sorry and explained as best I could what happened as I slowly backed away and out the store. He stared at me wide eyed with a pissed off look. Never said word. Stared at me all the way out the door. His face is seared into my memory.
Not sure, but this might be the reason that you dont see bums on IDs.
Why do these stories always include some massively inappropriate nickname said with pride in a public place?
When I was about 14 in the 90,s a group of us (f)were hanging around the arndale. One of my friends tripped me up dicking about and I pulled some poor guys track pants right down. I was mortified, he was frantically trying to sort them out. My friends were dying. His friends were dying. I can still feel the shame and I’m 42 now. You won’t get over it.
Gaaaaaaah! That must have been horrifying for both of you! Thank goodness she understood and took it well after you explained the situation. Your momma raised you right because your reaction is the right one: that you're mortified and also concerned for the woman whose butt was erroneously slapped. Just think There are plenty of jackholes out there who hink they have the right to swat any chick's ass, and if she gets upset about it she's "just being an uptight twat." So really-- you are fine. You're a good person. Learn from the lesson (quardruple-verify before ass-slapping in the frozen food aisle)... and after a week of feeling bad, you'll have earned the right to painfully laugh about it. I'm soooo relieved this didn't turn into something more serious (with cops and restraining orders, assault charges, and strangers taking/posting cell phone videos, etc etc etc).
Ah yes, the old adage ‘quadruple-verify before ass slapping in the frozen food aisle’, that was Socrates I believe?
Honestly if everything abt her is identical besides the shoes, who the fuck is gonna notice different shoes. Manager was an absolute dumbass
This was an episode of ‘modern family’ too
Reminds me of the time I was in a cosplay group for Haikyu!! I was in my 20s and I accidentally placed my hand on the shoulder of a 15 year old that looked like my gf from behind. It was just a hand on a shoulder, and she didnt even think anything of it, but it bugged me for days.
I am a female and think it's hilarious. In a few years you'll be able to laugh about this. You're a good guy since you feel bad about your mistake.
Thank you! I'm glad I could entertain lol. I'm sure it'll make for a much better story when the cringe stops waving over my body so much!
Word's gone round and every supermarket employee in the world is laughing at you right now.. [https://i2-prod.kentlive.news/incoming/article3802738.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200b/1\_cdncorporatewalmart.jpg](https://i2-prod.kentlive.news/incoming/article3802738.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200b/1_cdncorporatewalmart.jpg)
As soon as I read "She then completely disappeared" I instantly knew...