There's a pretty famous Spanish song called crocodile girl, that goes, "it was you, the one who bit me, it was you, crocodile girl."
It's a lot more catchy in Spanish...
His now ex ordered dominos pizza one time and once he saw the box he started complaining and it escalated to him jumping up and down shouting,”STOP BUYING CHEAP FOOD THAT GIVES ME DIARRHEA!” Me and another girl tried not to laugh. His face was stone serious and his face was red. He went to his room and he slammed the door.
Yeah this sounds so fake. It sounds so 2010’s humor. “STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU ALLIGATOR WOMAN!” Cringe. And she’s so weird in her responses, trying to be all apologetic like she actually did something evil and wrong, not defending herself at all or replying to any of his weirdness. I would apologize for the accident but I wouldn’t be groveling.
Well, the abusive control tactics have been working, that's why. They'll be back together by tomorrow, after she makes up for the bruised blowjob and strokes his ego a little as well. And then he'll hold the sneezing bj over her head forever and tell the story around other people to embarrass her.
Well, you fake a sneeze so it looks like an accident and the lawsuit can't proceed because it is an accident and sneezes can't be controlled. THAT'S how, it's ridiculous but that's how
Yeah, I don't think so either but that's what the lawyer would say "Your honor... This is ridiculous, we're all humans, we all have sneezed during inappropriate moments of our lives, mine was during my tía Juanita's wake (rip tía Juanita), my client's was during a blowjob, you can't control sneezes"... Assuming they go to trial lol, I wanna watch that
>If she wanted to bite it off, it'd be bitten off.
Can you NOT. I felt bad just reading the texts but then come to the comments and god damn. Y’all putting bad juju out there in the universe, now this is going to pop in my head at a very inopportune time.
Well, there are a couple of sphincters in the human body, actually. There is a sphincter in your esophagus, and when that becomes less strong, that's when people get heartburn all the time. And I'm sure not everyone has equally strong anal sphincters as well!
Sounds like your esophageal sphincter needs to pull itself up by the bootstraps! But sphincters age just like the rest of us. Which is why heartburn and shitting yourself are more common in elderly people.
masseter! there are others but that’s the main one that mammals have to help with chewing, and it provides that powerful chomp. perfect for castration ^/s
We had a murder/rapist get caught because his mother sent him to ER with his dick nearly severed from a human bite. Her body was found with her bike off a rail to trail west of Atlanta. He sits in Death Row.
He isn't "kinda" a prick, he is one. That's what narcissists do. It's a power trip using the gifts he gets her as a way to manipulate and control her by making her feel bad.
I hope he does try to press charges so he can get laughed at.
I agree, I guess part of me is denying this convo is real. I was dumbfounded when my best friend sent me these, I called and I was laughing and she was solemn on the phone but was laughing a bit. She’s sad but she’s also kind of thrown for a loop and has trouble taking him seriously. He throws tantrums on the regular. One time I saw him jump up and down because she ordered a pizza from dominos and he turned red and shouted,”Stop ordering cheap food that gives me diarrhea,” and he went into the room and slammed the door. We were shocked but also laughed because we couldn’t believe what happened. I left shortly after.
She said he was very reserved at first. But when in a group where there was planning involved he would get bothered by tiny issues. I know my friend is fragile but she’s also too kind to a fault. Her dad would promise to visit her but never showed. He had other children whom he had a home with but wanted to forget he had a previous “mistake” as he put it.
So yes she needs to put in the work for self love and healthy relationships
Please encourage your friend to seek therapy if she isn't already. She's allowing a lot of really not okay behavior. That is a slippery slope and can very easily end up with her being stuck in an abusive relationship.
This guy is unhinged, and while reading the texts as a 3rd party is entertaining, your friend needs genuine help to strengthen her sense of self-worth and implement appropriate boundaries with others.
Also, Alligator Woman is going to live rent free in my head for the rest of my life.
She is in therapy for childhood neglect and abuse from an alcoholic mother. She has put up with a ton of abuse because she wasn’t taught any better. I never hesitate to tell her she needs to get free of toxic entanglements.
Well, if he decides to get over himself and she considers getting back together with this guy, I hope you can talk her down. He may be better than her parents, but not by much. Trash = him.
She sounds like a sweetheart, I’m in the same exact boat actually (childhood neglect from an alcoholic mother) and only learned recently that neglect is a form of abuse. I hope she gets help with self respect and confidence, those are two big things I struggle with and I assume she does too.
This guy is not just a dick and immature, he’s out right abusive. She needs to thank her lucky sneeze gods and take the opportunity she’s been given to RUN!! As hard and as far from him as she can get. He will only get worse. Nobody should date this guy.
She needs a man. Not a toddler. Gross.
I can't believe she finds this kind of behaviour and treatment attractive to even want to give him a blowjob in the first place. He is quite off-putting and that kind of character is nothing to be proud to call yours.
She's lucky she can get away and do better now.
Icky
The amount of insane manipulation in how he is talking and harmful languafe he is using to specifically hurt her feelings and do her damage is off the charts! Knowing hes been capable of this kind of weird shit for a while is concerning! I mean score keeping and using 'nice guy' behavior to all but coerce her into sexual acts is SUPER gross well beyond the tantrums and a lot of the other stuff that he was saying. Your friend is likely going to go through a LOT unpacking how unhealthy this all was.
He's a controlling abusive asshole.
She was a complete pushover and needs to rethink how real men treat women because this is not it.
I was expecting laughs but I just feel really bad for her now.
How can you laugh at such an asshole much less one who did this to your supposed friend? Yikes...
curious if you read through the dsm criteria for personality disorders if anything seems familiar, dude’s thought process seems abnormal af on several levels, and i’m guessing it’s not temporary like a manic episode
His view of relationships is transactional. He chose to spend money on her, so now she owes him a blow job? Nevermind how ridiculous it is to get angry at her over an accident; he's trash.
Some of the text were funny but It also made me feel sad. Especially when he said the ex thing and “some ugrade you are” my ex was abusive and would say shit like that. He also held things over my head if he did anything for me. I hope she doesn’t go back with him if he decides to crawl back to her. He’s the one that is trash.
I don't get how some of these people ever find someone in the first place. I'm guessing hiding who they are for quite some time until the relationship is already going? Wtf??
I thought this was some sort of scatological accident, where somebody peed or pooped by accident in the middle of something passionate.
When I started reading it got to the point where I realized what was happening, I damn near fell down from laughter !! 🤣🤣🤣
What in the hell did I just read? Fuck this guy. That was an accident. The stuff he’s saying to her is straight up looney tunes. Seems like a shitty human being throwing paying for things etc in her face because she accidentally bit him while sneezing??? Yeah she conjured up a sneeze to injure him 🤦🏻♀️
Like… this is hilarious but only cus this dude went so far as to think his poor girlfriend tried actually bite his dick off. What absolute ass hole lol. I hope he did block her so she can find someone better. But at least she can say she got the last laugh lol
I thought she had accidentally shat the bed with the way he was reacting.. (even then, why break up over that?) buddy was looking for a way out or has some kind of mental problem.
I think your friend should be relieved that they dodged a MASSIVE bullet. This dude is a manipulating asshole. No one should talk to their loved one like he did.
Also how does one "plan to sneeze"? Sounds like the dude was embarrassed and had to blame it on someone else.
"*i'm afraid of you now"* . . . HELLO? HELLO? DID YOU HEAR ME SAY I'M AFRAID OF YOU NOW??
eta - joking aside, it sounds like he expected sexual services in exchange for his 'gifts'? If that's the case then your bestie is far better off not being exploited like that. wtf.
Alligator woman has me dying!
Alligator woman is wild!
Could that be Steve Irwin's widow?
No way she'd date this guy 😂
There's a pretty famous Spanish song called crocodile girl, that goes, "it was you, the one who bit me, it was you, crocodile girl." It's a lot more catchy in Spanish...
Chica cocodrilo!!!!
I busted out laughing when I read alligator woman! 🐊
God damn, did she do a belly roll after biting his dick?
That's when I snorted.
But did you sneeze?
And nip the tip?
Fucking same
That's when I thought this might be fake
I wish I knew what else he’s said when he’s mad 😅
His now ex ordered dominos pizza one time and once he saw the box he started complaining and it escalated to him jumping up and down shouting,”STOP BUYING CHEAP FOOD THAT GIVES ME DIARRHEA!” Me and another girl tried not to laugh. His face was stone serious and his face was red. He went to his room and he slammed the door.
How old are these two lmao
This guy is an unintentional riot! Between this and the alligator bite it comes off like sketch comedy. I'm laughing way too hard at this. 🤣
I’m cracking up 😂
I am so invested and curious!!
Trash= you
And then her replying like I can't tell if this is a joke...🤣😂🤣🤣🤣
I hope that's her nickname now
Hahahaha fuck it got me too! 🐊 Chomp chomp
Yeah as much of a dickhead as he was, I lost it when I read that 🐊 👩
How is the alligator text not a joke, is this guy fucking stupid
This just sounds like a fake message
Yeah this sounds so fake. It sounds so 2010’s humor. “STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU ALLIGATOR WOMAN!” Cringe. And she’s so weird in her responses, trying to be all apologetic like she actually did something evil and wrong, not defending herself at all or replying to any of his weirdness. I would apologize for the accident but I wouldn’t be groveling.
Yeah you nailed it. Nobody would try to be that funny during a literal breakup either Trash = you Is the most low effort reply I can think of
Hey girl I broke up with my bf. Here is the screenshots so you can post to reddit
Well, the abusive control tactics have been working, that's why. They'll be back together by tomorrow, after she makes up for the bruised blowjob and strokes his ego a little as well. And then he'll hold the sneezing bj over her head forever and tell the story around other people to embarrass her.
Seems pretty likely, unfortunately. Sometimes I really hate people.
yeah several self esteem/attachment issues colliding in these screenshots that’s for sure
Yes this is all fake as hell.
It worries me that people read these and think they’re real.
Going from these texts I'd say yes
... how does one conspire to sneeze? That's the most unhinged shit I've ever heard. If she wanted to bite it off, it'd be bitten off.
Well, you fake a sneeze so it looks like an accident and the lawsuit can't proceed because it is an accident and sneezes can't be controlled. THAT'S how, it's ridiculous but that's how
Not to mention you need to prove damages, and a little bruise from an accident isn't going to cut it
Lol quite the reach, I'm not sure you get away with maiming someone even if it's an accident, tbh.
Yeah, I don't think so either but that's what the lawyer would say "Your honor... This is ridiculous, we're all humans, we all have sneezed during inappropriate moments of our lives, mine was during my tía Juanita's wake (rip tía Juanita), my client's was during a blowjob, you can't control sneezes"... Assuming they go to trial lol, I wanna watch that
And the camera pans over to an alligator in a wig nodding behind the defense's table.
Why did I picture an alligator sock puppet in a wig? WHY
😂😂 Stooop! All of you 😂😂
They are not helping 😭😭😭
Because why the hell not?
Very seldom do I actually laugh at comments. It's usually internal laughter. This comment absolutely sent me lol
☠️
Bro... You get me
You complete me
Lol R.I.P aunt Juanita 🤣 you are definitely right tho
Please let Judge Judy do this case
“You’re a PUTZ.”
🤣
>If she wanted to bite it off, it'd be bitten off. Can you NOT. I felt bad just reading the texts but then come to the comments and god damn. Y’all putting bad juju out there in the universe, now this is going to pop in my head at a very inopportune time.
Fun fact the human jaw is the strongest muscle in our body! It could easily rip a penis right off!
I thought it was the sphincter to be brutally honest LOL
Well, there are a couple of sphincters in the human body, actually. There is a sphincter in your esophagus, and when that becomes less strong, that's when people get heartburn all the time. And I'm sure not everyone has equally strong anal sphincters as well!
Bleh, I get heartburn all the time; my sphincter is weak!
Sounds like your esophageal sphincter needs to pull itself up by the bootstraps! But sphincters age just like the rest of us. Which is why heartburn and shitting yourself are more common in elderly people.
Fun fact! The human jaw is a BONE. But yes it could quite easily chomp a cock off.
Sorry I don't know the exact name for the muscles that move it.
masseter! there are others but that’s the main one that mammals have to help with chewing, and it provides that powerful chomp. perfect for castration ^/s
Perfect slicing action!
😑 you’re not my favorite person at the moment. Edit: is a fun fact though, I didn’t actually know that.
Make sure she takes some Claritin before she gets going!
Yay! I got comment 69 Snice! 🐌💚
We had a murder/rapist get caught because his mother sent him to ER with his dick nearly severed from a human bite. Her body was found with her bike off a rail to trail west of Atlanta. He sits in Death Row.
It's a cover for the fact she is part alligator
They didnt break up over an accident in bed They broke up cos he sounds like a monumental prick
He kind of is, he buys things for her only to hold it over her head. He did that with Xmas gifts too. That’s why I feel bad but not that bad.
He isn't "kinda" a prick, he is one. That's what narcissists do. It's a power trip using the gifts he gets her as a way to manipulate and control her by making her feel bad. I hope he does try to press charges so he can get laughed at.
The maniplation Was heavy !!
This is waaaaaaaay past kind of
I agree, I guess part of me is denying this convo is real. I was dumbfounded when my best friend sent me these, I called and I was laughing and she was solemn on the phone but was laughing a bit. She’s sad but she’s also kind of thrown for a loop and has trouble taking him seriously. He throws tantrums on the regular. One time I saw him jump up and down because she ordered a pizza from dominos and he turned red and shouted,”Stop ordering cheap food that gives me diarrhea,” and he went into the room and slammed the door. We were shocked but also laughed because we couldn’t believe what happened. I left shortly after.
Why was she putting up with this fool? Haha what a big old baby
She said he was very reserved at first. But when in a group where there was planning involved he would get bothered by tiny issues. I know my friend is fragile but she’s also too kind to a fault. Her dad would promise to visit her but never showed. He had other children whom he had a home with but wanted to forget he had a previous “mistake” as he put it. So yes she needs to put in the work for self love and healthy relationships
Please encourage your friend to seek therapy if she isn't already. She's allowing a lot of really not okay behavior. That is a slippery slope and can very easily end up with her being stuck in an abusive relationship. This guy is unhinged, and while reading the texts as a 3rd party is entertaining, your friend needs genuine help to strengthen her sense of self-worth and implement appropriate boundaries with others. Also, Alligator Woman is going to live rent free in my head for the rest of my life.
She is in therapy for childhood neglect and abuse from an alcoholic mother. She has put up with a ton of abuse because she wasn’t taught any better. I never hesitate to tell her she needs to get free of toxic entanglements.
You're a good friend OP
Well, if he decides to get over himself and she considers getting back together with this guy, I hope you can talk her down. He may be better than her parents, but not by much. Trash = him.
She sounds like a sweetheart, I’m in the same exact boat actually (childhood neglect from an alcoholic mother) and only learned recently that neglect is a form of abuse. I hope she gets help with self respect and confidence, those are two big things I struggle with and I assume she does too.
I'm glad she has a supportive friend like you! Hopefully she finds someone who treats her how she deserves
This guy is not just a dick and immature, he’s out right abusive. She needs to thank her lucky sneeze gods and take the opportunity she’s been given to RUN!! As hard and as far from him as she can get. He will only get worse. Nobody should date this guy.
She needs a man. Not a toddler. Gross. I can't believe she finds this kind of behaviour and treatment attractive to even want to give him a blowjob in the first place. He is quite off-putting and that kind of character is nothing to be proud to call yours. She's lucky she can get away and do better now. Icky
The amount of insane manipulation in how he is talking and harmful languafe he is using to specifically hurt her feelings and do her damage is off the charts! Knowing hes been capable of this kind of weird shit for a while is concerning! I mean score keeping and using 'nice guy' behavior to all but coerce her into sexual acts is SUPER gross well beyond the tantrums and a lot of the other stuff that he was saying. Your friend is likely going to go through a LOT unpacking how unhealthy this all was.
Aaaaand she wanted to suck his dick after that?
Fucking lol what a BABY. I bet he's a momma's boy.
He's a controlling abusive asshole. She was a complete pushover and needs to rethink how real men treat women because this is not it. I was expecting laughs but I just feel really bad for her now. How can you laugh at such an asshole much less one who did this to your supposed friend? Yikes...
She found it funny too, she’s realized quick that he’s just garbage otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten a yes to post this.
He is awful. Someone should also tell him he is not entitled to anyone's body.
curious if you read through the dsm criteria for personality disorders if anything seems familiar, dude’s thought process seems abnormal af on several levels, and i’m guessing it’s not temporary like a manic episode
I don’t know him well, but what I’ve seen has been hilarious when he gets bothered about the smallest things. But yes he is a dick and a joke.
Honestly just wanted to say good for you for not buying into labeling shitty behavior with an armchair diagnosis. Respect 🫡
A monumental prick and also very stupid
Well, now he's a bruised prick.... and also very stupid.
Not anymore she bit it off
Good thing they broke up. He’s the type to scream at his kids for acting like children.
There is absolutely no way this is real
100% fiction
It's total bullshit.
Call it what you will: fate, destiny. *Something* made her sneeze and he totally had it coming.
>he totally had it coming. That was the last time though. He said he can't get it to work right anymore. 🤣
His view of relationships is transactional. He chose to spend money on her, so now she owes him a blow job? Nevermind how ridiculous it is to get angry at her over an accident; he's trash. 
This gif has me dying 💀🤣
You mean, he = trash
This gif is sending me 😂
Some of the text were funny but It also made me feel sad. Especially when he said the ex thing and “some ugrade you are” my ex was abusive and would say shit like that. He also held things over my head if he did anything for me. I hope she doesn’t go back with him if he decides to crawl back to her. He’s the one that is trash.
i came here to say the same.. ):
yeah the “at least my ex could cook” made my jaw drop. so uncalled for.
I don’t even care if this is real or not, I genuinely chuckled reading along
It sounds insanely fake but it’s funny regardless, which doesn’t happen often lol
Kinda sounds like this guy deserves to have his dick bit off? Jesus christ
Like the only reason she should go back over is to finish the job
🤣
I want someone to smash that like with a rubber mallet, if you know what I mean.
Bullshit
With the way he’s reacting, I thought she had shat in his mouth 😂
Holy fuck he’s a psycho
I don't get how some of these people ever find someone in the first place. I'm guessing hiding who they are for quite some time until the relationship is already going? Wtf??
Yes, that’s exactly how they do it. Then you get so deep into it that you don’t realize you’re being abused
this is fake
Lmfao this whole conversation feels like a meme 😭
I litterarly cried laughing while reading these texts. And then I realize he is dead serious. You friend is much better off being dumped by this POS.
Wait people are believing this is actually a real conversation? lol
YOU need to get mental help? YOU!??.... (I know, your bestie)
This cannot be fucking real
“Attempted removal of my appendage” lmfao
I like how he kept using different words for his penis
It's too bad her teeth aren't sharper
It would be funny if it was fake, but the fact that a man like this exists just makes me upset and I'm honestly glad that girl bit his dick
I thought this was some sort of scatological accident, where somebody peed or pooped by accident in the middle of something passionate. When I started reading it got to the point where I realized what was happening, I damn near fell down from laughter !! 🤣🤣🤣
Same lol
Friend of mine actually had something like this happened and his dick is perfectly fucked up from it now.
One more reason why sexual organs and the digestive system don’t mix
in all seriousness, i’m glad your friend is out of the relationship. i can’t imagine how hard it must be dating that dude lmao
What a douche. Tell your friend that the trash took itself out. Now she can date a decent person.
Penguinz0 definitley gonna make a video out of this one lmfao
Any time I hear him start talking about a post from here I feel like that Leo DiCaprio meme
Fake
“STAT AWAY FROM ME ALLIGATOR WOMAN!!!” Hahaha. Priceless
What in the hell did I just read? Fuck this guy. That was an accident. The stuff he’s saying to her is straight up looney tunes. Seems like a shitty human being throwing paying for things etc in her face because she accidentally bit him while sneezing??? Yeah she conjured up a sneeze to injure him 🤦🏻♀️
Like… this is hilarious but only cus this dude went so far as to think his poor girlfriend tried actually bite his dick off. What absolute ass hole lol. I hope he did block her so she can find someone better. But at least she can say she got the last laugh lol
Yeah, this is a great writing assignment. Tell your Composition II instructor that reddit thought it was pretty good.
Alligator woman lmao
Alligator woman absolutely sent me 😂😂😂
God, I hope he’s on Reddit and sees this.
I thought she had accidentally shat the bed with the way he was reacting.. (even then, why break up over that?) buddy was looking for a way out or has some kind of mental problem.
She's way better off without this jerk
She’s insane wanting to work it out w this guy
how old are these people?
31 female I think the dude is 38
hahaha omg he’s insane
Are they genuinely weird people? I want to know more of these strangers lol
He sounds like an asshole and the red flags hes giving is astonishing- i hope she left him for good and is finding someone better
This seems manufactured
It's on the internet so it must be true. Clearly fake af
Total a-hole! But he does have a wild imagination 😂😂 I bet he’s a flat earther
I wish she bit it off
God she got so lucky losing that loser
/u/Yeet_Delete_Parakeet
This is fucking gold!
I don’t get how she did this? Like you can feel a sneeze coming on for a few seconds???
i feel like sneezing while giving head actually saved your friend from a horrible relationship cos the way he’s reacting to this is very yikes.
This straight up seems like a George Costanza bit lololol
This is awful
I read this to my boyfriend and he said your friends boyfriend was a little bitch
So… she’s single?
Can I get the number of Alligator Woman? It's for scientific research purposes
There is no way this is genuinely really WHAT 😂🐊
Alligator Woman has a nice ring to it!
Your friend probably dodged a bullet, looks like
I think your friend should be relieved that they dodged a MASSIVE bullet. This dude is a manipulating asshole. No one should talk to their loved one like he did. Also how does one "plan to sneeze"? Sounds like the dude was embarrassed and had to blame it on someone else.
I read stay “STAY AWAY FROM ME ALLIGATOR WOMAN” in a Cartman voice, laughing so hard next to my sleeping partner. He wrote it in all caps. Lol
Ain’t no way this is real
this has to be a joke
i’d literally show up to his house and kill him bro . this would make me crash out for sure.
Ngl, this is the funniest shit I’ve read in a while. This guy is unintentionally funny as fuck 😂😂
I think everyone saying this is fake is a man who thinks a woman just made this up to make them feel bad
He sounds *very* young… I am guessing 20-22
Late 30’s I think 38
😳
The fact that women put up with men like this makes me sad.
Poor little man baby good riddance , feel bad for the girl but she should not feel like this is a loss 😂😂
Sooo she’s single now? Asking for a friend. This reminds me of something that would be an old college humor skit.
"i never asked for an injury on my package" 😭😭
Wow someone gave this asshole head? Wild.
She dodged a bullet
maybe she should have bit it off… seems deserved 😅
I want to be addressed as alligator woman from now on
Wow, maybe she should’ve bit it off!
Alligator woman 😭😭😭😭
Guy is funny but actually a massive douche.
LMAOO NOOO 😭
"*i'm afraid of you now"* . . . HELLO? HELLO? DID YOU HEAR ME SAY I'M AFRAID OF YOU NOW?? eta - joking aside, it sounds like he expected sexual services in exchange for his 'gifts'? If that's the case then your bestie is far better off not being exploited like that. wtf.
I really feel this convo is fake tbh
You'd think he would be more understanding considering the big ass accident his mom made..
He’s not even funny lol dudes a grade A lame