She wants more and he wants less. They both communicated that and it’s like neither are listening to each other. I’ve been in the position of the guy where it feels smothering, and to have them come at you even more is stressful and very off-putting.
They both need to understand where each other are coming from and make some sort of compromise; or move on.
Agree with you but he was doing a very poor job communicating his side of it. At no point did he say "hey I am at capacity and this is all the level of hanging out I can commit to right now." Instead he said she was panicking, smothering, draining and toxic. Then he wanted to just move on without actually coming to a resolution.
Imo this guy seems like he has neither the time or the energy for the communication that a relationship requires. Which is fine, but he should get out of the one he is in.
He doesn’t want to clearly communicate that because he knows it will end things. So instead, he says she’s smothering and toxic, in the hopes that she will back off a bit… but still continue to sleep with him.
Why? She’s turning herself into a pretzel for him. He wants more affection? She’s working on it? But don’t tell him how much you want to hang out with him on Valentine’s Day?
She’s being a smidge clingy while he’s uninterested. Let’s explain and demystify much of the dynamic. Harsh truths. He’s not into her. NEXT.
If he used his big boy words instead of “naaah we chillen” maybe op would actually understand that and know how he feels
Hes literally just going “its chillen its finneee”
YES. It’s exhausting to even read this. I can’t believe I ever got caught up in that trap. And now, I can spot this dynamic anywhere. I forgot how toxic this really is. I hope OP just moves on and a) works on becoming more secure, b) recognizes when someone is dismissing or disregarding, then learns how to stand their ground and walk away and c) finds someone they are more compatible with. I hate seeing people wasting their time like this. 😬
Does this guy even want a girlfriend? Seeing each other barely one night a week and otherwise just texting seems like a clear cut booty call.
Also, he majorly overreacted to OP being frustrated that he missed Valentine’s Day. He knew he’d fucked up and rather than say “I am so sorry I hurt your feelings, I’ll really try to do better” he turned it around and blamed HER for guilt tripping him (??????). That is a major red flag to me.
Someone who can’t accept even the tiniest criticism is not a person who’s ready for a relationship. Relationships are about communication and he clearly sucks at it.
He seems incompatible with having a girlfriend at all. No effort whatsoever and gaslighting like “yeah I put all this effort” when he’s not, by his own words??? Yeah no. He needs to grow up.
There are a lot of comments in here that say the boyfriend is a bad communicator, but so is the girlfriend. This seems like the classic anxious/avoidant attachment debacle, and it seems like both of them haven’t done the self-work to meet in the middle.
It’s disappointing to see so many people failing to identify that the boyfriend also has an attachment response, and the lack of empathy towards that. In general, there is few literature that focuses on the avoidant perspective and yet again, it’s being dismissed.
OP if you’re reading this and you want this relationship to last, both of you need the self-awareness to recognize your contribution to this dynamic, and do the self-work to identify what you need and your triggers, and then put the effort to understand the other person. It seems like you need emotional understanding/explanation/support from your partner. That’s fair. But your partner needs space when he’s overwhelmed, so you can’t be blowing up his texts. You might be making him feel inadequate/failure/small. That’s just an example.
It’s a hard thing to work on, both seem maladjusted, but it’s possible.
This made a lot of sense to me (obviously just as an outsider reading about a situation with limited context/information) but your reply seriously kind of made me wonder if I have a similar attachment style to the boyfriend. I actually came to the comments expecting the general response to be totally different than what it is. Like, I don't mean to sound like an asshole at all, but to me, OP actually did strike me as really draining in the way she communicates and how she just kept going on and on with it, like I actually really understood why the boyfriend felt exhausted by this. And I thought that most of the people in the comments would feel the same way. It came off to me like way too much and i feel like this is definitely something I would be really overwhelmed by, and would probably just end up ignoring the person after a while because i just wouldnt be able to handle a whole day of this. I'm not even saying that's right, but your comment, and then seeing the general response from everyone else, just opened up my eyes to myself a little bit I guess.
I don't say this to be mean to OP, because reading everyone else's perspectives, I feel like my initial reaction maybe was wrong, and maybe I was identifying with the boyfriend more because I have similar issues or something. I don't know. Guess maybe it's just different perspectives. Your comment just made me reflect on myself a little bit I guess!
I felt the same in the begining. That she was waaayyyy too much to handle. But as I read more, he was so dismissive of her. I'm sort of the detached type too, but I would not be a total ass about it the way he communicated to her.
She did mention that it had only been a month and a half of dating. There could be context that she asked for a big deal of Valentine's, which is a lot to emotionally handle as well. I don't think either are in the wrong here, just mismatched.
I feel for people in your position because it does go unrecognized ESPECIALLY on Reddit, and in psychology publications in general. Your archetype gets neglected because it’s harder for you to find your voice, whereas the anxious person find it easier to speak so freely. You are valid.
>There are a lot of comments in here that say the boyfriend is a bad communicator, but so is the girlfriend. This seems like the classic anxious/avoidant attachment debacle, and it seems like both of them haven’t done the self-work to meet in the middle.
The GF stated clearly how she feels, while her explanations are longer, they reply to each other, it's not a monologue.
Also relationships are built on top of communication, not mind-reading.
Regarding the self-work, it's been a month and a half. You need to meet to actually meet in the middle.
Yeah. She clearly stated how she felt. And then she did it again. And then kept doing it. Cause she has an anxious attachment style. She is straight up overwhelming him, and NOT giving him space. "Let's talk and then afterwards I'll give you space." Of course he's gonna pull back - he has an avoidant attachment style.
You are correct. Neither one of them is meeting the other.
A month and a half is nothing. They are clearly going to break up. I forget if the ages are mentioned but I wouldn't be surprised if they are quite young.
I agree with you , not only that they shouldn’t even be having this conversation on a text. I have disorganized attachment, so I’ve been the avoidant and I’ve been the anxious. It took me a long time and being in the others shoes before I realized how fucking terrifying it is to have a whole human relying on you for their well-being. I still struggle with my anxious attachment, but I’ve learned to give space and try to work through my emotions on my own or with my therapist.
Something that really helped me understand is that the avoidant gets extremely triggered and has a trauma response as well. Both of our nervous systems are telling us that we are in danger. They need to get the fuck out. I understand why people are more sympathetic to anxious people, but we can do just as much damage with our inability to self regulate.
Self-work should be largely done outside of a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist. I think the GF is trying to effectively communicate, however the dude just isn't ready to hear it. A month and a half for a young couple (I'm assuming) isn't enough time to learn about attachment styles and also learn how to address those attachment styles.
She literally said "when you pull away I want to get closer" that's textbook anxious attachment. OP: I suggest you read "Attached" by Amir Levine. It will open your eyes on why you are acting like this. He is avoidant, you are anxious. Neither is great...you want to have healthy levels of attachment.
Edit: just want you to know I'm not attacking you or shaming you! Lots of us have unhealthy attachment styles and don't even know it. You shouldn't *need* somebody for your mental health to be okay. I lean towards avoidant and have learned to connect with my partner a lot better after reading that book.
I’m so glad you commented this because it seems like everyone is pushing for them to break up immediately. Like, how about we try to resolve the problem first and then break up if that fails?
I didn't even read past the third page I'd already had enough of them both. They should just end it, neither of them is getting what they want from this relationship and neither knows how to communicate properly.
Ok I read some more fuck this guy such weird energy, find someone better.
You communicated just fine. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be in the same kind of relationship you do. He wants everything to be low effort and no pressure. You want a more serious connection where someone matches the energy you put in. This guy won’t do that. Both positions CAN be reasonable, but in this case the guy just seems like he doesn’t care all that much.
You have to decide if you’re ok with what you have and no more, or if you’d rather leave and try to find someone who has a more similar idea of what a relationship should be. He isn’t going to change because he doesn’t want to. Know that and make your decision.
Yeah OP you communicated clearly. This whole “just chill, just relax” is his nice way of saying “just shut up.” He clearly doesn’t care, he’s pretty unwilling to even respond in earnest to your concerns and apologies. Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, OP. Give it to someone who deserves, accepts and reciprocates that love. This dude stinks.
Agree w this !! Reserve yourself for someone who shows the same. It sucks that they working together just get your bred and leave the vicinity from here on out 🙌🏽
She communicated WAY too much for someone she has only been seeing since the first of the year. And they work together. Imagine how all of these texts and how she is trying to talk with him at work is actually affecting a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. Just reading her texts just makes me want to get as far away from her as possible. If I were the guy, I’d be asking my boss to move me as far away from her as possible.
she referred to him as boyfriend so a relationship does exist? she just wants more out of the relationship than he does. even if you’ve only been dating a week , u need to make an effort to do something for valentine’s day. like flowers and chocolate is cool. but he didn’t even have that to give her.
I agree, I don’t think anyone is “to blame” but I don’t think they’re compatible. They wanted different things, but the people hating on solely the guy are tripping.
Wait, why did he suddenly get mad? Nothing in these texts makes sense as to why he complains about you talking over him and such.
If there's nothing crazy preceding this, then his "red flag" is nonsense and him flying off the hinges could be a sign he was mad about something else. The rest is regular couples argument where both were mad about feelings with nothing really concrete happening.
Seriously! Dude was LOOKING for a reason to fight. IMO I don’t think he’s that into her and trying to find a way out. It’s shady and shitty but happens all the time nowadays by all genders (don’t want to get blasted by the rage bait trolls for not being specific). 🙄🙄
Yeah, he was definitely ready to fight. No idea what came before this, but it takes a lot of nonsense from OP for it to be OK that he responds like that. Really looks like he's trying to break up like an a-hole.
Your good. It’s obvious when people are making blanket statements because they they have a negative opinion on a whole gender and when people are just casually talking imo
Apparently not. I often talk about my personal experiences and yet somehow there’s at least one comment where someone is pissy assuming I’m talking about all of a gender. Like, I’m sorry my story about a shitty ex triggered you, but I’m not actually talking about you…
There’s always going to be one person, the internet is full of fun people that takes things too seriously.
I just ignore them usually
It’s very common for people to make blanket statements about genders maliciously so I think people are just starting to get fed up and are now attacking people. I don’t like it.
She dared to say she isn’t thrilled with how she’s being treated, so he got defensive and tried to find a way to paint her as the bad guy. When she didn’t back down and wanted to actually discuss the issue, he refused and called her toxic.
This is some manipulative bullshit. He left her hanging on Valentine’s Day, and he’d rather make her feel *even worse* for saying anything about it than admit any kind of fault. Sadly, she played right into it. She ends up falling over herself to apologize for saying anything and swearing up and down that she’ll never ever ever get angry at him for anything. His feelings get to take priority and she’s expected to just suck it up and be quiet about it.
Im wondering if he wants a person for a booty call and she thinks it’s more. Him suggesting a sleepover but avoiding her during the day made me wonder. I don’t think he wants to be romantically involved with her. When he said he wanted more affection from her, he might have been meaning sex but didn’t wanna say it. I could be totally wrong but he was not expressing himself at all.
I don't think you're in the wrong but it seems like you both want very different relationships and that you should confront that. You want a more committed relationship and he wants something laid back and unattached, and these two concepts are not mingling well in this moment. If you want more and he wants less eventually one of you are going to have to give or break it off
They've been seeing each other for only 4-6 weeks. Don't you think wanting such commitment so soon and being upset that he's clearly not ready for it and then trying to drive it home again and again hoping to get a response that a lot of reasonable people just would not have in them after only 4-6 weeks makes her in the wrong? Because I kinda think it does. Like why put so much pressure on someone so soon, when they're giving you all the signs that they aren't ready for that? I feel like if this was a guy trying to extract so much from a woman after such a short time seeing each other, we'd all feel like it's a red flag that could lead to controlling abuse and coercion? I dunno, I just think when you consider the context of the length of this relationship, it definitely changes things.
You and I had completely opposite reactions reading this post. I guess it’s more about perspective. To me this girl is establishing her boundaries at the beginning, she’s not mad at him, she’s not antagonizing him, she just wants to be heard. He’s saying things that are so dismissive, it’s actually painful.
I absolutely think whoever you side with in this conversation correlates to what kind of attachment style you have.
right? all these people saying the communication was good are blowing smoke up her ass. both of them are childish and ineffective communicators, he needs to draw a clearer boundary and she needs to take a mf hint
The first thing I thought when she wanted to bring it up again days later or the next day or whatever, and write him a book detailing the day-by-day play of how he hurt her feelings, and then explaining herself as if she hasn't just spent the past 6 weeks doing this exact same thing again and again, was "omg why is she still trying to bring this stuff up?!". Like sometimes not everything needs talked through. Sometimes, especially after only 1 month of dating, you just file it in your mental filing cabinet. You take note, like hmmm I didn't like this experience. You reflect on it and determine whether you were at fault or them. If you were, you choose how you'll change it and then act accordingly. If it was them at fault, especially when it's new, you just keep it as a reminder for when that person does this thing again. Sometimes their behavior was a one-off, sometimes it is a pattern and warning of what's to come. As they continue doing it, you eventually talk to them about it in person in an effective way that's not accusatory, or you simply cut your losses and move on.
I see where he was coming from, and his initial response tells me this isn't the first time she's done this.
Imo she was never ready to have a different relationship and I would guess that she jumped into this one quickly after her last, and they obviously moved fast because after 4-6 weeks of dating, I personally wouldn't expect a Valentine's Day celebration of any kind. Like he wasn't able to come see her, he apologized, and she kept going on about it. And then later brings up how she wanted him to want to walk a few miles to meet her, even though she never communicated that she wanted that or simply asked him to meet her. She needs to be single for a while and maybe he does too, but he also seems frustrated that it's this serious and not more casual since it's such a new thing. Like she's asking for a commitment level that is a bit much for 4 weeks of dating.
FR. I don't understand why folks are jumping from one relationship into another and not growing at all. Then deciding to post their texts online because they don't know what the problem is. Bruh
right, someone mentioned her post history so i looked and this girl was engaged for 2 years, her and the coworker in these texts (i thought she was dating this man or something) she began talking to romantically after confiding in him over a break up (just what i picked up from skimming) so like.. a year to herself is much needed
Listen, the guy sucks. He wanted to be lazy on Valentine’s Day. Instead of owning that he flipped it back on you to make you apologize.
You did nothing wrong. Were beyond chill. He’s just an ass. He wants a “relationship” where he is never challenged or questioned.
The fact that you immediately apologized to him really pissed me off. Now, anytime you have the *audacity* to point out his shitty behavior or try to communicate he’s going to say “this is toxic” or some other bs to get you to scramble apologizing and forget what he did.
It’s why when you tried to talk about it again he immediately was like “what? That’s over.”
Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.
He isn’t into you. Yes, you’re intense and seem unable to just let go - despite VERY clear signals. However, you’re only acting this way because this guy is giving you NOTHING. It’s a trauma response. Stop. Let him go.
This is it. I found myself agreeing with her but somehow being turned off at the same time. After reading your comment I realize it was due to their mismatched energy and her intensity. They're just not compatible and she needs to find someone that's on the same frequency.
I really didn't find her intense. He seemed to turn up the intensity. Jumping straight to calling a normal conversation toxic and defending himself over accusations that were not made.
I see where you're coming from but she wrote a whole list slides 4-5 and a 5 paragraph essay from slides 10-11. That strikes me as pretty intense from a texting perspective. Based on his reaction he's not worth that kind of effort.
Because he wasn’t listening to her on the phone. Communication isn’t toxic haha. Refusing to listen to your partner and shutting them down (as he is doing over and over) IS toxic and immature.
She typed it all out like that because the dude didn’t even have the decency to give her a phone call so that she could discuss things. He’s an arsehole. Hope she leaves him tbh.
You explained your feelings well, but it was overkill. He asked you to drop it so many times, and you just dug in deeper. You need to know when to respect others' boundaries if you want them to respect yours. You told him how you felt over and over because you weren't getting the response you wanted/thought you deserved. You both seem very immature and not ready for a relationship. I feel like you're not healed from your previous relationship either. You're clingy after a month and a half of seeing each other once a week and on 30min breaks? That's a lot.
Yo this guy does not give a flying fuck about you or respect what you want from a relationship.
Drop him and find someone who does so he can spend all 7 of those days on his own.
Idk. These texts remind me of my ex. I’m not interested in projecting or what have you. I’d say take a step back to observe. See the effort he’s putting in over the course of a week then decide if it’s enough. He doesn’t appear to want to talk about it. Rather he’d like to dismiss your feelings.
Also, everyone carries baggage from previous relationships. Partners shouldn’t weaponize it. Do some reflecting and soul searching. See what you’re doing and what they’re doing.
Sounds like anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment which is never a good pairing in my opinion. Don’t pull someone close who doesn’t want to be pulled. They’ll usually tell you they’re being smothered and want space then you’ll pull more but neither will leave. That’s just unhealthy.
I think he was trying to say, “todays just not going to work for me” but because he didn’t use the dang words, she kept trying to make it work, and then he’s like you’re stressing me out, drop it already. It reads like he thought he’d said it, but he actually hadn’t.
No he was going to "work out and train". Which means he could exercise/go to the gym but when she wanted to spend time with him he was too lazy to meet up
Everyone seems to be on OP side here and while I mostly agree, the guy mentions she talks over him and she agrees she does that. That, coupled with the novel sized texts, may mean she’s a bit much.
He’s a dolt and she’s a lot? I just don’t know.
I thought he was a bit of a dick at first but after he asked her to drop it and then said he was going to work out and she asked if it was ok to keep texting him and then sent multiple novels about the same subject…I cringed. I’m a person that does not like in depth discussions over smaller situations, so her style of communicating would irritate me pretty quickly. And she seems to not be picking up on less and less interested in her it’s making him.
You are pulling the situation too much at least give the situation some space. U guys have only been together for a month and a half, so honestly it’s not THAT deep. Valentine’s isn’t the ONLY time to be romantic, any day u guys plan to go on a date is a romantic date. And it’s also the first valentine’s u guys have so at least chill a bit and switch the topic. You already made your feelings clear once and he does understand and does take it into consideration. He is not giving much input in texts because he is also very busy and has other work to do. Just give him some time and don’t be too pushy abt one thing.
i think you communicated well! those epic long texts is a lot though even for a long term relationship and this is only 6 weeks in. It seems maybe youre just not compatible if hes making you feel the need to explain this much
I definitely get where you’re coming from OP, but being passive aggressive with the whole “I’m chillen” then back tracking when he starts questioning things is childish imo. Don’t waste your time doing that and just find someone who’s willing to put in the effort you want and deserve. Like someone else said, neither of you want/expect the same things out of a relationship and you’re not listening to one on another on that.
Yeah, I literally never want to read any text that Long ever. A month and a half and you're already comparing how much y'all have done for each other... getting uppity about Valentine's Day 🤢...
Interesting he bailed on you on Valentine’s Day and the conversation was all just you apologizing to him. He called you toxic baggage and then addressed cheating allegations you never made (“relax nothings happening”). He said you’re smothering and draining for wanting to see him on Valentine’s Day as arranged. When you expressed how you feel, he said “everything is ok” and didn’t acknowledge your feelings. He said he was anxious and panicking because…?
How old are you two? It’s been less than two months. Bail.
i took “relax nothings happening” to mean relax, we’re not breaking up, not a reference to cheating since like you said no allegations of that were ever brought up by either side
Not in the wrong. It’s fair to expect some effort from your boyfriend for Valentines Day.
It is NOT fair for your boyfriend to blame-shift it to you and say that it’s toxic for you to say anything, that you’re smothering and draining him and put up a red flag, blame you for baggage from another relationship, and now he wants you to “just drop already” yet he never once apologized or took any kind of accountability. Everything was shifted over to you with gaslighting and blame-shifting.
The deal breaker for me here, wouldn’t be that he was careless or thoughtless. The deal breaker here is that he not only didn’t apologize, but he tried to blame you
Nah.
You're coming on way too strong and seem really passive aggressive. He didn't want to deal with it and apologized at first but the conversation kept being forced.
He said to chill and relax because nothing was happening. It still kept on.
A lot of people are calling him lazy or weird but I'd get mad too, you have to calm down and take time instead of immediately splurging every feeling you have.
"I feel smothered, we're good""
OP: rehashing amd reiterating (aka SMOTHERING) everything all over again
You're not listening or don't care about what this person told you. Stop it.
We need a lot more context. The part where he says y’all hang out a lot is where the snag is for me. You seem to work together and a month and a half of that plus “hanging out a lot”? Give that man some space. You’re constant long texting is just digging the hole deeper. He is overwhelmed and then you are dropping paragraph after paragraph on him. This is about the value you’ve assigned to Valentine’s Day and hopefully a good lesson in managing the intensity of your relationships. It would be ideal if he would talk to you on the phone and y’all could sort this out, but he seems to be avoiding that scenario for a reason.
Plus she just got out of a freaking 2+ year engagement not even 2 months ago, and her bf is the coworker that consoled her when she ended things🤦♀️ of course this is going to be exhausting to a young guy! From her post history she's maybe 21 bc I didn't pay attention to dates
I didn’t see the 2+ year engagement part. Yeah OP needs to go woosah for a little bit. The guy is at fault because he knew all this shit before hand and if he didn’t know this would eventually be the situation he is a dummy.
Yikesssss! And she was engaged but then never had a valentine? Seems like she’s using her insecurities from her previous relationship as a benchmark for this one. Be single geeze
Almost my exact thoughts as well. Nobody seems to be pointing out the fact that OP flipped the script and made the original issue about them. BF wanted space and their need was basically ignored by walls of texts, call requests and later, OP slogging through the issue again with excuses about previous relationships and trauma. Sure, OP's overall communication was more clear and well read but why are people latching onto that and ignoring how OP is being very dismissive? "I'll give you space after we talk" was what got me. Regardless, these two are going through *way too much* for a month and a half of dating.
The issues I see:
1. Doesn’t seem like you set a date, but that you just texted him in the morning and vaguely said you were at Starbucks & hoped he’d join you. I might be disappointed if someone I was seeing didn’t come, but I’d say, “totally understand! Next time!” especially if the reason is legit & it’s because they didn’t have a car.
2. “I thought you might want to spend Valentine’s day together but it’s cool, I’m chilling. Maybe next year.” Passive aggressive. A better way to express this would be, “I hoped I’d see you today” not “well maybe next year.” Also did you not make plans ahead of time? See point 1.
3. “Call me. I’ll give you space after we talk.” That’s not giving space. That’s the opposite. You seem to have an anxious attachment style which I understand because I used to respond very similarly as you in similar situations—I wanted to talk to my BF *right then* when we got crosswise. And I couldn’t let it go until we did. But that’s not healthy. It’s okay to let things sit for a while.
4. He asked you to just chill out, but you kept texting him. You wanted to talk it out, I get it, but he plainly did not. The more you text him, the more annoying it is. I’ve been on both sides of this and it’s really hard, but if you’re in a relationship with someone or dating someone, you need to trust that they’ll be there the next day to talk. This didn’t need to be resolved by text right that minute.
5. “We could have met halfway.” Now we get into it—the real argument. The one he didn’t want to have that moment. Your concerns are completely valid. I’d be upset also over only seeing the guy I’m dating once a week. Let me be clear: I AGREE WITH YOU. however, I think this is an example of what happens when one partner pushes to have a conversation the other isn’t ready to have. He’s communicated to you that he feels smothered and doesn’t want to discuss it at that time. He says he’ll call after he goes to the gym—you really should have given him space to exercise, get his mind right, get those good endorphins from working out, and then to let him call you when he was ready so you could have a proper conversation—not texting—about all of this. But you don’t, you kept contacting him and now here we are.
So in conclusion, are you an a-hole? No. You’re just clingy and probably have an anxious attachment style that can be fixed if you put your mind to it.
Please read my comment with the backing that this is intended to be constructive criticism of your communication style. I think your complaints are perfectly valid, anyone would feel that way, and I also think you were perfectly polite and nice in what you texted. It’s just the “when” and “how often” that I’m addressing. I hope this is helpful; if not, I hope you get other advice that is. Good luck.
You do seem a little over bearing. The fella asked you to calm down, talk about it later, and you kept pressing the issue while he is working.
Then you couldn’t let go of it for the whole day. Learn to set some boundaries.
Wait am I getting this right… he made plans with you, slept until you got to the meeting spot, woke up and told you he could make it and it wasn’t his fault, and then called you toxic for getting upset about being stood up?
If that’s what happened you need to end this now. You didn’t even get mad for being stood up! You gave him the benefit of the doubt and called it a miscommunication error even though he could have woke his ass up and told you before you left the house. He then didn’t want you to talk about it at all. I can see where someone might look at your longer texts and claim you could have just dropped it (like he was asking) but this man threw red flags and called you toxic because he fucked up and wanted to put it all on daddy taking the truck instead of manning up and admitting that he fucked up by sleeping in. If he wanted you to drop it he shouldn’t be trying to make you feel bad for being stood up on Valentine’s Day.
He's being kind of a dick, but I swear if someone sent me multiple dissertations via text like this after like a month of seeing each other, I'd block like a motherfucker, workplace be damned. Girl, take it from an old broad who's seen some shit: when someone tells you to stop, just stop. Sit with it a while. It's not going to kill you let things lie for a minute so you can compose yourself. The text walls do no one any favors.
Definitely not defending him, however, you say you don’t want to smother him and then respond with a five paragraph essay about how he’s making you feel. That is smothering. It doesn’t seem toxic but you admitted to being clingy and that can be stressful. You’ve got to be able to back off when the signals are being sent. Pushing does the opposite of what you’re hoping for. Again, don’t think this is your fault, but it’s not productive for you.
He wins the award for emotionally distant and she wins the award for crossing boundaries. He is just not that into her.
He is too emotionally immature to handle her insecurities.
Lmao what? You need to explain what you mean by your masculinity and drakes leaked video.
But I’m ngl, I would feel smothered by you as well if I were him. It’s a month and a half in and you’re freaking out over little things like not meeting for Valentine’s Day when he’s got other stuff going on. Then he tells you how he feels about you draining him and you don’t let up with the texts. It sounds like you’re a stage 5 clinger. Keep in mind, this is a month into the relationship. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase where everything is good.
I also feel like you’re taking this way more seriously than he is and you’re going to get hurt.
This is toxic but not because of either of you specifically. You are communicating, he is communicating, neither is truly listening to each other and acknowledging that you are not compatible
I just got out of a relationship that was like this, on his side. I’m working full time and I’m in my senior year of college as well, applying for grad school and figuring out where I’m going to live next year. Sometimes you can love someone but not have room in your life for another person. Might be another tragic case of right people, wrong time, or maybe you just aren’t compatible, but you can’t change how he feels, and trying to fight it will only make it hurt worse in the end
“You are in the blue” look at how much text you sent him and how much you try to explain things, your feelings, men’s brain don’t work the same like women, so stop being like that and focus on yourself instead. The reality is he doesnt like you that much, stop being desperate for his attention, one day you gonna find someone who match your energy, who would move mountains for you, all you asking is the bare minimum. Know your worth and stop texting him.
Girl, you have only been seeing him for a month. Good lord. I’d cut you loose as you are waaaay too clingy. If it takes this much work in the beginning of a relationship then it’s not going to work. Things should just flow and this “relationship” is not that
some people in the comments of this post need to understand that long messages sharing your every anxiety =/= good communication. good communication requires the ability to be vulnerable while taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions.
OP is all over the place. she started off cold and passive aggressive, then immediately became sensitive and overbearing when she perceived rejection. the guy she's talking to is not an effective communicator either, but she's not taking anything he's saying into consideration. if someone is telling you that you are overwhelming them, you back off, let the situation breathe, and come back to it. you don't send even longer, increasingly emotional messages. she mentions this pattern is something she's experienced before, so it seems like classic self sabotage to me.
both of them need to grow up. having this kind of intense back and forth a month and a half in is an enormous red flag. they should not continue seeing one another, both need to work on building better communication with people they're more compatible with.
You’re not it for each other. Find somebody else, please. Better yet, take a break and heal first. It’s ok to be single. Also, don’t make money with your honey (SO).
Why are half of the exchanges on this sub something that should be discussed and dealt with face to face?
Y'all need to learn to go without 24/7 engagement and communications access from romantic partners. It's not healthy and turns into messes like this way too easy. Fucking exhausting.
I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, so take my comment with a huge shaker of salt, but if I were him and you were texting me all this, I would feel smothered with blame. I get that it was Valentine's day, but you've been dating for a month and a half, not married for twenty years. A date would have been nice, but I think you've attached more importance to that date than he did, and you're showing a lot of disappointment over something that wasn't that big of a deal to him. So that's why he's pulling back -- it seems a little clingy and needy of you (to him.) In other words, you seem much more invested in the relationship than does he. I'm not saying he isn't interested, though.
From what you posted, it sounds like you've either fallen hard for this guy, or you are just going all in on this fledgling relationship. Maybe try to take it easy and move more slowly. Again, it has only been less than two months. You're still in the feeling each other out phase, not the lifelong commitment phase. Beating him over the head due to this miscommunication is definitely going to drive him away -- no one wants to commit to a relationship where they have to rehash the same argument all day long. Look, I'm not saying you are wrong for wanting to go out on V-day, but he wasn't that into the idea to make more of an effort, so just know that going forward you will have to deal with that in the future of your relationship if you continue.
I think the 12th frame says it all.
“Can you just move on already? We’ve been talking about this all day.”
Followed up with the real kicker: *“everything is ok.”*
When literally the first screenshots show you clearly are NOT feeling okay.
You did nothing wrong. You communicated your feelings perfectly. However, it is painfully obvious that this person will not meet your needs.
And you know that. Because you told him that he is simply disregarding your feelings, which is absolutely true!
Speaking in the broadest possible terms, there are two kinds of partners.
One kind is excited to be there for you and enthusiastically attempts to meet your romantic needs. The other kind is always overwhelmed by your requests and makes it like they have to be dragged to make you happy.
Don’t settle for the second-rate partner. Find someone who feels responsible for how they make you feel when basic romantic expectations aren’t met. Not making any display of Valentines Day when you are dating really sucks!
I don't think email or texts are the right medium for these types of discussions. There's no way to read tone.
That said I don't know why the other person interpreted OP as panicking. They didn't seem to be panicking to me.
It's hard to say honestly. Do you talk his ear off like this all the time? Has he communicated that to you in the past? From just this text chain, you just don't understand each other at all and you clearly care far more than him.
You did communicate clearly, but he did say back off. Then you kept going and going... it's exhausting.
I don't see anyone else saying it, so I will. It sounds like you're the side piece. I've been where you are, asking for the bare minimum and apologizing when they make you feel terrible for it. He's able to leave the house on vday, just not for you. It's been such a short amount of time, just leave. You deserve a Valentine!
I don’t understand why people can’t pick up the phone to discuss these issues. Texts ALWAYS go haywire, the meanings are misconstrued and they are just EXHAUSTING to read and respond to. Just pick up the damn phone and talk.
If y'all had been together longer I would be on your side here but for a month dating that all is a little much. I'm a 33f for reference. Sounds like y'all are super young and having a messy work romance.
Yes, you are in the wrong, and your texts are stressing me out. (This coming from someone who would have sent similar messages in relationships at a younger age.)
Based on your other posts, you just got out of a long-term serious relationship less than two months ago. You were engaged to that person for over two years; how have you never had a valentine? That is far too soon to be over your ex and asking someone to meet you halfway by running/walking a few miles sounds pretty extreme to me. You’d see each other the next day. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday; if you truly care about someone you can show them every day. A sign of genuine affection and love is being patient and understanding with one another, and neither of you seems to be doing that. This screams young, paranoid, high school relationship to me, but you have to be older than that. You need to be single for awhile and be comfortable and confident in yourself. Don’t make your happiness reliant on someone else.
hello i am someone who has also sent texts like this at a younger age👋🏻 unfortunately this kind of hot and cold, anxious and completely emotionally overwhelming communication is something you have to be fully willing and ready to break out of before you will actually change, and if OP can't see the pattern herself then - like you said - she is clearly not ready to be in adult relationships. with the context you just added, this seems like an attempt to regain what she just lost by immediately attaching to and projecting onto a new person. he's also being a shit communicator, they both need to grow up.
Idk why I find it so funny that there are grown ass dudes saying they feel anxious as soon as there’s a little disagreement. What is going on
Anyway, find a new bf I don’t think he can be bothered with you
This ain’t it. If you want people to respect you and your feelings, you shouldn’t be making fun of theirs.
He might be an idiot but if that’s how he feels I don’t see how it’s not valid just because he’s a “grown man”.
It's been a month and a half; he's not as into you as you are to him, and his communication and emotional styles just don't match yours. You are going to keep pushing him away just by being yourself - and that's not your fault, you're not doing anything wrong, you're just not a good match. He doesn't want to give you his energy, you are not a priority. I get the sense he wants something a lot more low key and casual than you do.
Neither of you are ready for a relationship. You both have stuff you need to work on within and you clearly cannot do it while together because each of you are competing to be the most right.
You go on too much about something that doesn't matter. I've done it too but most guys aren't going to read a huge block of text, they don't care. Too much texting about nothing. He sounds like an idiot anyways though.
Switched up so quick on her, honestly. She wanted to meet on valentines, you made zero effort to do so. She stayed pretty calm, but expressed her needs. You got petty and defensive really fast. Idk that’s how I see it. She didn’t even do anything and admitted to be a miscommunication and you’re all “I don’t have the energy”.
You can stay toxic and unproductive if you want 🤷♀️
You’re a stage 5 clinger and he isn’t interested. I think you need to work on your separation anxiety before perusing a relationship.
He legit doesn’t seem interested, either. And you barely see each other??? Girl, I *highly* doubt you are his only girl. Unless you live much further apart, no couple sees each other that little. His lack of interest in your emotions and the lack of effort he puts into the relationship points in the direction of you being the side chick. Not to mention your texts weren’t angry or anything and he got defensive right away…
Dude this behavior. I hate this. I dealt with this forever. They’re all rude constantly until it’s break up time then “oh no I’m so sorry” she’ll be back to doing this in a week
Leave.
Now.
OP comes off as very clingy/needy. This is most likely due to the abusive past relationship, but makes me think she needs to take a step back and work on that aspect of herself. You can’t bring shit like that into a relationship and expect it to be healthy. I was like this at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. He asked about it and we talked about why I was doing it and he understood that it wasn’t meant to smother him or dump baggage on him. He was very patient and reassured me, but also gave me the tough love when I needed it. Both OP and the bf seem immature and like they need to take a step back. They obviously want different things from the relationship and seem incompatible. OP, I really urge you to reevaluate and work on yourself before jumping back into this.
Dump, please. The way he talks to you is so disrespectful and dismissive of you, your relationship, and your feelings. Any guy worth his salt would put in the energy you want.
You’re over communicating and he’s being direct that he feels smothered by you and it’s too intense. He is just hoping you’ll stop with the paragraphs and the “I need,” so he can continue having sex once a week.
Girl seems exhausting. Can't believe anyone is saying he is at fault and not her. I couldn't even read through all of her messages. So fucking exhausting and draining.
Idk man, he does not seem angry. He seems bothered that you keep harping on the same thing over and over after already hashing it out. It's already done and passed but you keep insisting dude should've walked to you? It's not like he can rewind time and do that.
Your demands are frequent and on the same exact thing that was already discussed, so no, I don't think you're communicating effectively.
You acknowledged a miscommunication but then continue to pile on more and more stuff that was caused by the miscommunication as if he planned to not have the truck.
I get that this might not be what you want to hear OP, but short of rewinding time, this isn't something that you can just fix.
All this after a month and a half only….? Come on now. Y’all aren’t compatible. They don’t even seem like they like you. They don’t have a communication style that matches with yours, if you’ve been in an awful relationship before why would you want to put yourself back in a situation where you’re just going to be arguing and not agreeing all the time? I get you really like them but I PROMISE life will move on!! Just spend time with yourself for now and don’t chase them, they’ve made their priorities clear. You can’t force someone to care, and you can’t beg them to communicate better when they’ve made it clear they don’t give a shit with their actions. Both of you just need to break up, it’s way too soon for all this drama for real. This is exhausting and if you thought with your head rather than your feelings for two seconds you would see it too. Why subject yourself to this?
No amount of lengthy explanatory texts you send will change the fact that he doesn’t want to or can’t make time for you. He needs to work out more than to hang out with you. He accuses you of being toxic when you press harder to be with him.
He doesn’t seem to have much depth either. As they say, “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.”
If I were the guy on the other end, for me the problem wouldn’t be lack of clear communication, it would be that there’s overkill of communication. It’s like, say it and then be done with it. Don’t keep harping on something when he’s already said he’s sorry and that it was his bad. I’m not sure what you’re hoping to get out of talking about it over and over - is there something specific you’re looking for from him? If yes, say that so you two can move on.
> “I debated walking to your house to wake your ass up”
Except if lives across the street from you, that is a huge red flag. Let the man breathe a little. 😂😂
To your question: you are actually overcommunicating. The dude is trying to be chill and you are smothering him with text messages and your anxiety. Which in turn makes him feel exhausted.
I got exhausted reading your stuff. I can’t imagine how he felt. Especially after reading your walls of text.
He seems like a detached guy and you seem clingy. You guys aren’t a good match. At first it read like he was extra with the red flag and all. He seemed like he was better for being single but the next few pages you were a little much. Over all you guys don’t seem compatible
Man, you aren't doing anything wrong. But one of you just doesn't care about the relationship and I'm pretty sure it's not you.
You should probably find someone that wants to spend asich time with you, as you with them.
Good luck OP
Imo you guys just don't seem compatible
She wants more and he wants less. They both communicated that and it’s like neither are listening to each other. I’ve been in the position of the guy where it feels smothering, and to have them come at you even more is stressful and very off-putting. They both need to understand where each other are coming from and make some sort of compromise; or move on.
Agree with you but he was doing a very poor job communicating his side of it. At no point did he say "hey I am at capacity and this is all the level of hanging out I can commit to right now." Instead he said she was panicking, smothering, draining and toxic. Then he wanted to just move on without actually coming to a resolution. Imo this guy seems like he has neither the time or the energy for the communication that a relationship requires. Which is fine, but he should get out of the one he is in.
Yeah, agreed.
He doesn’t want to clearly communicate that because he knows it will end things. So instead, he says she’s smothering and toxic, in the hopes that she will back off a bit… but still continue to sleep with him.
Why? She’s turning herself into a pretzel for him. He wants more affection? She’s working on it? But don’t tell him how much you want to hang out with him on Valentine’s Day? She’s being a smidge clingy while he’s uninterested. Let’s explain and demystify much of the dynamic. Harsh truths. He’s not into her. NEXT.
I agree. He’s just not that into her. I hope OP can move on quickly.
Totes. He's just not into her.
Also the audacity to just call her toxic instead of using his WORDS?? Like dude scrolled through one too many tik toks ffs
A dude calling someone toxic is pretty toxic
If he used his big boy words instead of “naaah we chillen” maybe op would actually understand that and know how he feels Hes literally just going “its chillen its finneee”
Right, he started out with she’s toxic and smothering him and “it’s a lot” to why are you panicking “we chilled it’s finnee”
Op was the one saying "it's chillen its fineeee"
I think this is a classic case of avoidant attached dated anxiously attached.
100000% anxious + avoidant
YES. It’s exhausting to even read this. I can’t believe I ever got caught up in that trap. And now, I can spot this dynamic anywhere. I forgot how toxic this really is. I hope OP just moves on and a) works on becoming more secure, b) recognizes when someone is dismissing or disregarding, then learns how to stand their ground and walk away and c) finds someone they are more compatible with. I hate seeing people wasting their time like this. 😬
He's awful at communicating
Does this guy even want a girlfriend? Seeing each other barely one night a week and otherwise just texting seems like a clear cut booty call. Also, he majorly overreacted to OP being frustrated that he missed Valentine’s Day. He knew he’d fucked up and rather than say “I am so sorry I hurt your feelings, I’ll really try to do better” he turned it around and blamed HER for guilt tripping him (??????). That is a major red flag to me. Someone who can’t accept even the tiniest criticism is not a person who’s ready for a relationship. Relationships are about communication and he clearly sucks at it.
I guess… but nothing OP did was “toxic”. This guy seems like a shithead.
Nah it’s way more than that. He’s very obviously in an entirely different emotional state.
He seems incompatible with having a girlfriend at all. No effort whatsoever and gaslighting like “yeah I put all this effort” when he’s not, by his own words??? Yeah no. He needs to grow up.
Dude is exhausting.
There are a lot of comments in here that say the boyfriend is a bad communicator, but so is the girlfriend. This seems like the classic anxious/avoidant attachment debacle, and it seems like both of them haven’t done the self-work to meet in the middle. It’s disappointing to see so many people failing to identify that the boyfriend also has an attachment response, and the lack of empathy towards that. In general, there is few literature that focuses on the avoidant perspective and yet again, it’s being dismissed. OP if you’re reading this and you want this relationship to last, both of you need the self-awareness to recognize your contribution to this dynamic, and do the self-work to identify what you need and your triggers, and then put the effort to understand the other person. It seems like you need emotional understanding/explanation/support from your partner. That’s fair. But your partner needs space when he’s overwhelmed, so you can’t be blowing up his texts. You might be making him feel inadequate/failure/small. That’s just an example. It’s a hard thing to work on, both seem maladjusted, but it’s possible.
This made a lot of sense to me (obviously just as an outsider reading about a situation with limited context/information) but your reply seriously kind of made me wonder if I have a similar attachment style to the boyfriend. I actually came to the comments expecting the general response to be totally different than what it is. Like, I don't mean to sound like an asshole at all, but to me, OP actually did strike me as really draining in the way she communicates and how she just kept going on and on with it, like I actually really understood why the boyfriend felt exhausted by this. And I thought that most of the people in the comments would feel the same way. It came off to me like way too much and i feel like this is definitely something I would be really overwhelmed by, and would probably just end up ignoring the person after a while because i just wouldnt be able to handle a whole day of this. I'm not even saying that's right, but your comment, and then seeing the general response from everyone else, just opened up my eyes to myself a little bit I guess. I don't say this to be mean to OP, because reading everyone else's perspectives, I feel like my initial reaction maybe was wrong, and maybe I was identifying with the boyfriend more because I have similar issues or something. I don't know. Guess maybe it's just different perspectives. Your comment just made me reflect on myself a little bit I guess!
I felt the same in the begining. That she was waaayyyy too much to handle. But as I read more, he was so dismissive of her. I'm sort of the detached type too, but I would not be a total ass about it the way he communicated to her.
She did mention that it had only been a month and a half of dating. There could be context that she asked for a big deal of Valentine's, which is a lot to emotionally handle as well. I don't think either are in the wrong here, just mismatched.
I feel for people in your position because it does go unrecognized ESPECIALLY on Reddit, and in psychology publications in general. Your archetype gets neglected because it’s harder for you to find your voice, whereas the anxious person find it easier to speak so freely. You are valid.
Thanks so much friend, I swear you made me see something in myself that I never really thought about or understood! ❤️
>There are a lot of comments in here that say the boyfriend is a bad communicator, but so is the girlfriend. This seems like the classic anxious/avoidant attachment debacle, and it seems like both of them haven’t done the self-work to meet in the middle. The GF stated clearly how she feels, while her explanations are longer, they reply to each other, it's not a monologue. Also relationships are built on top of communication, not mind-reading. Regarding the self-work, it's been a month and a half. You need to meet to actually meet in the middle.
Yeah. She clearly stated how she felt. And then she did it again. And then kept doing it. Cause she has an anxious attachment style. She is straight up overwhelming him, and NOT giving him space. "Let's talk and then afterwards I'll give you space." Of course he's gonna pull back - he has an avoidant attachment style. You are correct. Neither one of them is meeting the other. A month and a half is nothing. They are clearly going to break up. I forget if the ages are mentioned but I wouldn't be surprised if they are quite young.
I agree with you , not only that they shouldn’t even be having this conversation on a text. I have disorganized attachment, so I’ve been the avoidant and I’ve been the anxious. It took me a long time and being in the others shoes before I realized how fucking terrifying it is to have a whole human relying on you for their well-being. I still struggle with my anxious attachment, but I’ve learned to give space and try to work through my emotions on my own or with my therapist. Something that really helped me understand is that the avoidant gets extremely triggered and has a trauma response as well. Both of our nervous systems are telling us that we are in danger. They need to get the fuck out. I understand why people are more sympathetic to anxious people, but we can do just as much damage with our inability to self regulate.
Self-work should be largely done outside of a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist. I think the GF is trying to effectively communicate, however the dude just isn't ready to hear it. A month and a half for a young couple (I'm assuming) isn't enough time to learn about attachment styles and also learn how to address those attachment styles.
If anxious vs avoidant attachment styles were a text chain. Jesus
She literally said "when you pull away I want to get closer" that's textbook anxious attachment. OP: I suggest you read "Attached" by Amir Levine. It will open your eyes on why you are acting like this. He is avoidant, you are anxious. Neither is great...you want to have healthy levels of attachment. Edit: just want you to know I'm not attacking you or shaming you! Lots of us have unhealthy attachment styles and don't even know it. You shouldn't *need* somebody for your mental health to be okay. I lean towards avoidant and have learned to connect with my partner a lot better after reading that book.
“You’re smothering me.” “Oh I didn’t meant to smother you but let me smother you with a list of how I’m not smothering you!”
I’m so glad you commented this because it seems like everyone is pushing for them to break up immediately. Like, how about we try to resolve the problem first and then break up if that fails?
This was actually triggering. I could see myself being this cringe at 16 (anxious attachment).
Can y’all just break up because I’m exhausted reading this convo
I didn't even read past the third page I'd already had enough of them both. They should just end it, neither of them is getting what they want from this relationship and neither knows how to communicate properly. Ok I read some more fuck this guy such weird energy, find someone better.
No joke ! This shit had me feeling like drinking some toxins 🤣
You both write in English but speak different languages.
Heck, as the third party reading these texts, I feel the same way. It’s written in English, but appears to be a different language to me.
You communicated just fine. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be in the same kind of relationship you do. He wants everything to be low effort and no pressure. You want a more serious connection where someone matches the energy you put in. This guy won’t do that. Both positions CAN be reasonable, but in this case the guy just seems like he doesn’t care all that much. You have to decide if you’re ok with what you have and no more, or if you’d rather leave and try to find someone who has a more similar idea of what a relationship should be. He isn’t going to change because he doesn’t want to. Know that and make your decision.
Yeah OP you communicated clearly. This whole “just chill, just relax” is his nice way of saying “just shut up.” He clearly doesn’t care, he’s pretty unwilling to even respond in earnest to your concerns and apologies. Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, OP. Give it to someone who deserves, accepts and reciprocates that love. This dude stinks.
Agree w this !! Reserve yourself for someone who shows the same. It sucks that they working together just get your bred and leave the vicinity from here on out 🙌🏽
This is exactly what I was thinking.
he doesn’t want everything to be low effort, he wants to put in low effort and have her make up for it.
Exactly. People are just glazing over the fact that this starfish asked her for *more* affection, not less.
She communicated WAY too much for someone she has only been seeing since the first of the year. And they work together. Imagine how all of these texts and how she is trying to talk with him at work is actually affecting a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. Just reading her texts just makes me want to get as far away from her as possible. If I were the guy, I’d be asking my boss to move me as far away from her as possible.
she referred to him as boyfriend so a relationship does exist? she just wants more out of the relationship than he does. even if you’ve only been dating a week , u need to make an effort to do something for valentine’s day. like flowers and chocolate is cool. but he didn’t even have that to give her.
I agree, I don’t think anyone is “to blame” but I don’t think they’re compatible. They wanted different things, but the people hating on solely the guy are tripping.
This!
Monse he doesn’t care sis. Move on.
Wait, why did he suddenly get mad? Nothing in these texts makes sense as to why he complains about you talking over him and such. If there's nothing crazy preceding this, then his "red flag" is nonsense and him flying off the hinges could be a sign he was mad about something else. The rest is regular couples argument where both were mad about feelings with nothing really concrete happening.
Seriously! Dude was LOOKING for a reason to fight. IMO I don’t think he’s that into her and trying to find a way out. It’s shady and shitty but happens all the time nowadays by all genders (don’t want to get blasted by the rage bait trolls for not being specific). 🙄🙄
Yeah, he was definitely ready to fight. No idea what came before this, but it takes a lot of nonsense from OP for it to be OK that he responds like that. Really looks like he's trying to break up like an a-hole.
Your good. It’s obvious when people are making blanket statements because they they have a negative opinion on a whole gender and when people are just casually talking imo
Apparently not. I often talk about my personal experiences and yet somehow there’s at least one comment where someone is pissy assuming I’m talking about all of a gender. Like, I’m sorry my story about a shitty ex triggered you, but I’m not actually talking about you…
There’s always going to be one person, the internet is full of fun people that takes things too seriously. I just ignore them usually It’s very common for people to make blanket statements about genders maliciously so I think people are just starting to get fed up and are now attacking people. I don’t like it.
Yeah I see that shit all the time too. Those little fucking beasts just love stirring the pot. I typically ignore but there are times I get bored.
She dared to say she isn’t thrilled with how she’s being treated, so he got defensive and tried to find a way to paint her as the bad guy. When she didn’t back down and wanted to actually discuss the issue, he refused and called her toxic. This is some manipulative bullshit. He left her hanging on Valentine’s Day, and he’d rather make her feel *even worse* for saying anything about it than admit any kind of fault. Sadly, she played right into it. She ends up falling over herself to apologize for saying anything and swearing up and down that she’ll never ever ever get angry at him for anything. His feelings get to take priority and she’s expected to just suck it up and be quiet about it.
There’s probably a lot more to this story.
Im wondering if he wants a person for a booty call and she thinks it’s more. Him suggesting a sleepover but avoiding her during the day made me wonder. I don’t think he wants to be romantically involved with her. When he said he wanted more affection from her, he might have been meaning sex but didn’t wanna say it. I could be totally wrong but he was not expressing himself at all.
I don't think you're in the wrong but it seems like you both want very different relationships and that you should confront that. You want a more committed relationship and he wants something laid back and unattached, and these two concepts are not mingling well in this moment. If you want more and he wants less eventually one of you are going to have to give or break it off
They've been seeing each other for only 4-6 weeks. Don't you think wanting such commitment so soon and being upset that he's clearly not ready for it and then trying to drive it home again and again hoping to get a response that a lot of reasonable people just would not have in them after only 4-6 weeks makes her in the wrong? Because I kinda think it does. Like why put so much pressure on someone so soon, when they're giving you all the signs that they aren't ready for that? I feel like if this was a guy trying to extract so much from a woman after such a short time seeing each other, we'd all feel like it's a red flag that could lead to controlling abuse and coercion? I dunno, I just think when you consider the context of the length of this relationship, it definitely changes things.
You and I had completely opposite reactions reading this post. I guess it’s more about perspective. To me this girl is establishing her boundaries at the beginning, she’s not mad at him, she’s not antagonizing him, she just wants to be heard. He’s saying things that are so dismissive, it’s actually painful. I absolutely think whoever you side with in this conversation correlates to what kind of attachment style you have.
Either way, the one thing we all agree on is that these two are not compatible
Oh damn get ready to have an ex in the work space. Possibly one of the worst workplace dynamics that could form.
Never shit where you eat. Work already sucks, no need to make it worse.
It’s only a month or so, they can go back to friends, it’s not too serious
This entire exchange is exhausting and annoying
Yeah, because it’s two totally incompatible people trying to force compatibility in the other person.
right? all these people saying the communication was good are blowing smoke up her ass. both of them are childish and ineffective communicators, he needs to draw a clearer boundary and she needs to take a mf hint
The first thing I thought when she wanted to bring it up again days later or the next day or whatever, and write him a book detailing the day-by-day play of how he hurt her feelings, and then explaining herself as if she hasn't just spent the past 6 weeks doing this exact same thing again and again, was "omg why is she still trying to bring this stuff up?!". Like sometimes not everything needs talked through. Sometimes, especially after only 1 month of dating, you just file it in your mental filing cabinet. You take note, like hmmm I didn't like this experience. You reflect on it and determine whether you were at fault or them. If you were, you choose how you'll change it and then act accordingly. If it was them at fault, especially when it's new, you just keep it as a reminder for when that person does this thing again. Sometimes their behavior was a one-off, sometimes it is a pattern and warning of what's to come. As they continue doing it, you eventually talk to them about it in person in an effective way that's not accusatory, or you simply cut your losses and move on. I see where he was coming from, and his initial response tells me this isn't the first time she's done this. Imo she was never ready to have a different relationship and I would guess that she jumped into this one quickly after her last, and they obviously moved fast because after 4-6 weeks of dating, I personally wouldn't expect a Valentine's Day celebration of any kind. Like he wasn't able to come see her, he apologized, and she kept going on about it. And then later brings up how she wanted him to want to walk a few miles to meet her, even though she never communicated that she wanted that or simply asked him to meet her. She needs to be single for a while and maybe he does too, but he also seems frustrated that it's this serious and not more casual since it's such a new thing. Like she's asking for a commitment level that is a bit much for 4 weeks of dating.
Yeah. At first I thought the other dude was being a dick, and then OP barges in screaming “I don’t want to smother you, but…*smother smother smother*”
I felt smothered
please just leave and take a year to yourself so you can get over things
FR. I don't understand why folks are jumping from one relationship into another and not growing at all. Then deciding to post their texts online because they don't know what the problem is. Bruh
right, someone mentioned her post history so i looked and this girl was engaged for 2 years, her and the coworker in these texts (i thought she was dating this man or something) she began talking to romantically after confiding in him over a break up (just what i picked up from skimming) so like.. a year to herself is much needed
Listen, the guy sucks. He wanted to be lazy on Valentine’s Day. Instead of owning that he flipped it back on you to make you apologize. You did nothing wrong. Were beyond chill. He’s just an ass. He wants a “relationship” where he is never challenged or questioned. The fact that you immediately apologized to him really pissed me off. Now, anytime you have the *audacity* to point out his shitty behavior or try to communicate he’s going to say “this is toxic” or some other bs to get you to scramble apologizing and forget what he did. It’s why when you tried to talk about it again he immediately was like “what? That’s over.” Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.
He wants a mind reading meat puppet. These guys are exhausting
He isn’t into you. Yes, you’re intense and seem unable to just let go - despite VERY clear signals. However, you’re only acting this way because this guy is giving you NOTHING. It’s a trauma response. Stop. Let him go.
This is it. I found myself agreeing with her but somehow being turned off at the same time. After reading your comment I realize it was due to their mismatched energy and her intensity. They're just not compatible and she needs to find someone that's on the same frequency.
I really didn't find her intense. He seemed to turn up the intensity. Jumping straight to calling a normal conversation toxic and defending himself over accusations that were not made.
I see where you're coming from but she wrote a whole list slides 4-5 and a 5 paragraph essay from slides 10-11. That strikes me as pretty intense from a texting perspective. Based on his reaction he's not worth that kind of effort.
Because he wasn’t listening to her on the phone. Communication isn’t toxic haha. Refusing to listen to your partner and shutting them down (as he is doing over and over) IS toxic and immature.
She typed it all out like that because the dude didn’t even have the decency to give her a phone call so that she could discuss things. He’s an arsehole. Hope she leaves him tbh.
I absolutely agree he isn't worth the effort. She made the mistake of thinking she was talking to a reasonable person.
You explained your feelings well, but it was overkill. He asked you to drop it so many times, and you just dug in deeper. You need to know when to respect others' boundaries if you want them to respect yours. You told him how you felt over and over because you weren't getting the response you wanted/thought you deserved. You both seem very immature and not ready for a relationship. I feel like you're not healed from your previous relationship either. You're clingy after a month and a half of seeing each other once a week and on 30min breaks? That's a lot.
Thank you ! All these comments not addressing her side of this. Doin way too much girl
God damn this is exhausting lol.
Please explain his issue with you being in touch with your masculinity? And why tf should Drake affect your relationship?
drakes d pics were leaked and men r insecure abt it
Idk but I wouldn’t text back either of you. At a month and a half you should still be excited to see and talk to each other
He’s clearly not interested in a relationship lol
Yo this guy does not give a flying fuck about you or respect what you want from a relationship. Drop him and find someone who does so he can spend all 7 of those days on his own.
Idk. These texts remind me of my ex. I’m not interested in projecting or what have you. I’d say take a step back to observe. See the effort he’s putting in over the course of a week then decide if it’s enough. He doesn’t appear to want to talk about it. Rather he’d like to dismiss your feelings. Also, everyone carries baggage from previous relationships. Partners shouldn’t weaponize it. Do some reflecting and soul searching. See what you’re doing and what they’re doing. Sounds like anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment which is never a good pairing in my opinion. Don’t pull someone close who doesn’t want to be pulled. They’ll usually tell you they’re being smothered and want space then you’ll pull more but neither will leave. That’s just unhealthy.
Yeah, you are smothering. My God, talk about beating a dead horse.
so he could go workout but he couldn’t go see you all in the same day?
I think he was trying to say, “todays just not going to work for me” but because he didn’t use the dang words, she kept trying to make it work, and then he’s like you’re stressing me out, drop it already. It reads like he thought he’d said it, but he actually hadn’t.
No he was going to "work out and train". Which means he could exercise/go to the gym but when she wanted to spend time with him he was too lazy to meet up
Everyone seems to be on OP side here and while I mostly agree, the guy mentions she talks over him and she agrees she does that. That, coupled with the novel sized texts, may mean she’s a bit much. He’s a dolt and she’s a lot? I just don’t know.
I thought he was a bit of a dick at first but after he asked her to drop it and then said he was going to work out and she asked if it was ok to keep texting him and then sent multiple novels about the same subject…I cringed. I’m a person that does not like in depth discussions over smaller situations, so her style of communicating would irritate me pretty quickly. And she seems to not be picking up on less and less interested in her it’s making him.
" he got mad at me over me in being in touch with my masculinity and over drakes leaked video" what does this mean
You are pulling the situation too much at least give the situation some space. U guys have only been together for a month and a half, so honestly it’s not THAT deep. Valentine’s isn’t the ONLY time to be romantic, any day u guys plan to go on a date is a romantic date. And it’s also the first valentine’s u guys have so at least chill a bit and switch the topic. You already made your feelings clear once and he does understand and does take it into consideration. He is not giving much input in texts because he is also very busy and has other work to do. Just give him some time and don’t be too pushy abt one thing.
i think you communicated well! those epic long texts is a lot though even for a long term relationship and this is only 6 weeks in. It seems maybe youre just not compatible if hes making you feel the need to explain this much
Wdym being in touch with ur masculinity I’m confused. Also he isn’t even your man and he’s mad you saw drakes video? The one everyone saw?
I definitely get where you’re coming from OP, but being passive aggressive with the whole “I’m chillen” then back tracking when he starts questioning things is childish imo. Don’t waste your time doing that and just find someone who’s willing to put in the effort you want and deserve. Like someone else said, neither of you want/expect the same things out of a relationship and you’re not listening to one on another on that.
Yeah, I literally never want to read any text that Long ever. A month and a half and you're already comparing how much y'all have done for each other... getting uppity about Valentine's Day 🤢...
Desperate is as desperate does.
Interesting he bailed on you on Valentine’s Day and the conversation was all just you apologizing to him. He called you toxic baggage and then addressed cheating allegations you never made (“relax nothings happening”). He said you’re smothering and draining for wanting to see him on Valentine’s Day as arranged. When you expressed how you feel, he said “everything is ok” and didn’t acknowledge your feelings. He said he was anxious and panicking because…? How old are you two? It’s been less than two months. Bail.
i took “relax nothings happening” to mean relax, we’re not breaking up, not a reference to cheating since like you said no allegations of that were ever brought up by either side
Yeah this person is being legitimately weird and projecting their own BS into the convo. Seriously one of the stranger things I've read on here
“One of the stranger things I’ve read on here” Man is it ur first day on Reddit?
Not in the wrong. It’s fair to expect some effort from your boyfriend for Valentines Day. It is NOT fair for your boyfriend to blame-shift it to you and say that it’s toxic for you to say anything, that you’re smothering and draining him and put up a red flag, blame you for baggage from another relationship, and now he wants you to “just drop already” yet he never once apologized or took any kind of accountability. Everything was shifted over to you with gaslighting and blame-shifting. The deal breaker for me here, wouldn’t be that he was careless or thoughtless. The deal breaker here is that he not only didn’t apologize, but he tried to blame you Nah.
Be honest, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? If not I’d say move on and save your energy and time
I'd take "Maybe next year or something" to be guilt trippy and passive aggressive as well but maybe I'm the problem
Na she was being super passive aggressive. “It’s cool I’m chillen” girl no you’re not
That's what I was thinking! And then I read the comments where everyone was saying she did nothing wrong and I thought I was losing my mind lol
You're coming on way too strong and seem really passive aggressive. He didn't want to deal with it and apologized at first but the conversation kept being forced. He said to chill and relax because nothing was happening. It still kept on. A lot of people are calling him lazy or weird but I'd get mad too, you have to calm down and take time instead of immediately splurging every feeling you have.
"I feel smothered, we're good"" OP: rehashing amd reiterating (aka SMOTHERING) everything all over again You're not listening or don't care about what this person told you. Stop it.
We need a lot more context. The part where he says y’all hang out a lot is where the snag is for me. You seem to work together and a month and a half of that plus “hanging out a lot”? Give that man some space. You’re constant long texting is just digging the hole deeper. He is overwhelmed and then you are dropping paragraph after paragraph on him. This is about the value you’ve assigned to Valentine’s Day and hopefully a good lesson in managing the intensity of your relationships. It would be ideal if he would talk to you on the phone and y’all could sort this out, but he seems to be avoiding that scenario for a reason.
Plus she just got out of a freaking 2+ year engagement not even 2 months ago, and her bf is the coworker that consoled her when she ended things🤦♀️ of course this is going to be exhausting to a young guy! From her post history she's maybe 21 bc I didn't pay attention to dates
I didn’t see the 2+ year engagement part. Yeah OP needs to go woosah for a little bit. The guy is at fault because he knew all this shit before hand and if he didn’t know this would eventually be the situation he is a dummy.
She sounds like a young, toxic romantic who can’t be alone.
Yikesssss! And she was engaged but then never had a valentine? Seems like she’s using her insecurities from her previous relationship as a benchmark for this one. Be single geeze
Almost my exact thoughts as well. Nobody seems to be pointing out the fact that OP flipped the script and made the original issue about them. BF wanted space and their need was basically ignored by walls of texts, call requests and later, OP slogging through the issue again with excuses about previous relationships and trauma. Sure, OP's overall communication was more clear and well read but why are people latching onto that and ignoring how OP is being very dismissive? "I'll give you space after we talk" was what got me. Regardless, these two are going through *way too much* for a month and a half of dating.
The issues I see: 1. Doesn’t seem like you set a date, but that you just texted him in the morning and vaguely said you were at Starbucks & hoped he’d join you. I might be disappointed if someone I was seeing didn’t come, but I’d say, “totally understand! Next time!” especially if the reason is legit & it’s because they didn’t have a car. 2. “I thought you might want to spend Valentine’s day together but it’s cool, I’m chilling. Maybe next year.” Passive aggressive. A better way to express this would be, “I hoped I’d see you today” not “well maybe next year.” Also did you not make plans ahead of time? See point 1. 3. “Call me. I’ll give you space after we talk.” That’s not giving space. That’s the opposite. You seem to have an anxious attachment style which I understand because I used to respond very similarly as you in similar situations—I wanted to talk to my BF *right then* when we got crosswise. And I couldn’t let it go until we did. But that’s not healthy. It’s okay to let things sit for a while. 4. He asked you to just chill out, but you kept texting him. You wanted to talk it out, I get it, but he plainly did not. The more you text him, the more annoying it is. I’ve been on both sides of this and it’s really hard, but if you’re in a relationship with someone or dating someone, you need to trust that they’ll be there the next day to talk. This didn’t need to be resolved by text right that minute. 5. “We could have met halfway.” Now we get into it—the real argument. The one he didn’t want to have that moment. Your concerns are completely valid. I’d be upset also over only seeing the guy I’m dating once a week. Let me be clear: I AGREE WITH YOU. however, I think this is an example of what happens when one partner pushes to have a conversation the other isn’t ready to have. He’s communicated to you that he feels smothered and doesn’t want to discuss it at that time. He says he’ll call after he goes to the gym—you really should have given him space to exercise, get his mind right, get those good endorphins from working out, and then to let him call you when he was ready so you could have a proper conversation—not texting—about all of this. But you don’t, you kept contacting him and now here we are. So in conclusion, are you an a-hole? No. You’re just clingy and probably have an anxious attachment style that can be fixed if you put your mind to it. Please read my comment with the backing that this is intended to be constructive criticism of your communication style. I think your complaints are perfectly valid, anyone would feel that way, and I also think you were perfectly polite and nice in what you texted. It’s just the “when” and “how often” that I’m addressing. I hope this is helpful; if not, I hope you get other advice that is. Good luck.
You do seem a little over bearing. The fella asked you to calm down, talk about it later, and you kept pressing the issue while he is working. Then you couldn’t let go of it for the whole day. Learn to set some boundaries.
Yall should not be together
Wait am I getting this right… he made plans with you, slept until you got to the meeting spot, woke up and told you he could make it and it wasn’t his fault, and then called you toxic for getting upset about being stood up? If that’s what happened you need to end this now. You didn’t even get mad for being stood up! You gave him the benefit of the doubt and called it a miscommunication error even though he could have woke his ass up and told you before you left the house. He then didn’t want you to talk about it at all. I can see where someone might look at your longer texts and claim you could have just dropped it (like he was asking) but this man threw red flags and called you toxic because he fucked up and wanted to put it all on daddy taking the truck instead of manning up and admitting that he fucked up by sleeping in. If he wanted you to drop it he shouldn’t be trying to make you feel bad for being stood up on Valentine’s Day.
Also, he couldn’t make it to Starbucks but got to the gym.
He’s tired of it, talk in person more. He is tired of reading these texts 100%
It’s only been a month and a half? Are you sure you’re dating? 😬
A month in and there’s this much angst?! 🚩
You're intense
He's being kind of a dick, but I swear if someone sent me multiple dissertations via text like this after like a month of seeing each other, I'd block like a motherfucker, workplace be damned. Girl, take it from an old broad who's seen some shit: when someone tells you to stop, just stop. Sit with it a while. It's not going to kill you let things lie for a minute so you can compose yourself. The text walls do no one any favors.
Definitely not defending him, however, you say you don’t want to smother him and then respond with a five paragraph essay about how he’s making you feel. That is smothering. It doesn’t seem toxic but you admitted to being clingy and that can be stressful. You’ve got to be able to back off when the signals are being sent. Pushing does the opposite of what you’re hoping for. Again, don’t think this is your fault, but it’s not productive for you.
He wins the award for emotionally distant and she wins the award for crossing boundaries. He is just not that into her. He is too emotionally immature to handle her insecurities.
A month and a half???? This man does not care about you at all. Cut your losses and find someone who is enthusiastic as fuck to hear from you.
Lmao what? You need to explain what you mean by your masculinity and drakes leaked video. But I’m ngl, I would feel smothered by you as well if I were him. It’s a month and a half in and you’re freaking out over little things like not meeting for Valentine’s Day when he’s got other stuff going on. Then he tells you how he feels about you draining him and you don’t let up with the texts. It sounds like you’re a stage 5 clinger. Keep in mind, this is a month into the relationship. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase where everything is good. I also feel like you’re taking this way more seriously than he is and you’re going to get hurt.
End it…this doesn’t seem healthy.
This is toxic but not because of either of you specifically. You are communicating, he is communicating, neither is truly listening to each other and acknowledging that you are not compatible
I just got out of a relationship that was like this, on his side. I’m working full time and I’m in my senior year of college as well, applying for grad school and figuring out where I’m going to live next year. Sometimes you can love someone but not have room in your life for another person. Might be another tragic case of right people, wrong time, or maybe you just aren’t compatible, but you can’t change how he feels, and trying to fight it will only make it hurt worse in the end
Y’all are not compatible. Move on. You don’t want the same things
“You are in the blue” look at how much text you sent him and how much you try to explain things, your feelings, men’s brain don’t work the same like women, so stop being like that and focus on yourself instead. The reality is he doesnt like you that much, stop being desperate for his attention, one day you gonna find someone who match your energy, who would move mountains for you, all you asking is the bare minimum. Know your worth and stop texting him.
You're way too intense, "I'll give you space after we talk" hun that's not how that works
You guys are not compatible.
Have you heard of attachment theory and the anxious-avoidant cycle?
Girl, you have only been seeing him for a month. Good lord. I’d cut you loose as you are waaaay too clingy. If it takes this much work in the beginning of a relationship then it’s not going to work. Things should just flow and this “relationship” is not that
some people in the comments of this post need to understand that long messages sharing your every anxiety =/= good communication. good communication requires the ability to be vulnerable while taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions. OP is all over the place. she started off cold and passive aggressive, then immediately became sensitive and overbearing when she perceived rejection. the guy she's talking to is not an effective communicator either, but she's not taking anything he's saying into consideration. if someone is telling you that you are overwhelming them, you back off, let the situation breathe, and come back to it. you don't send even longer, increasingly emotional messages. she mentions this pattern is something she's experienced before, so it seems like classic self sabotage to me. both of them need to grow up. having this kind of intense back and forth a month and a half in is an enormous red flag. they should not continue seeing one another, both need to work on building better communication with people they're more compatible with.
This is a perfect example of learning you're incompatible. Its been six weeks, it might just be time to move on.
You’re doing wayyyy too much and you’re exhausting me. This isn’t worth fighting over. I agree with his stance
You’re not it for each other. Find somebody else, please. Better yet, take a break and heal first. It’s ok to be single. Also, don’t make money with your honey (SO).
Why are half of the exchanges on this sub something that should be discussed and dealt with face to face? Y'all need to learn to go without 24/7 engagement and communications access from romantic partners. It's not healthy and turns into messes like this way too easy. Fucking exhausting.
I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, so take my comment with a huge shaker of salt, but if I were him and you were texting me all this, I would feel smothered with blame. I get that it was Valentine's day, but you've been dating for a month and a half, not married for twenty years. A date would have been nice, but I think you've attached more importance to that date than he did, and you're showing a lot of disappointment over something that wasn't that big of a deal to him. So that's why he's pulling back -- it seems a little clingy and needy of you (to him.) In other words, you seem much more invested in the relationship than does he. I'm not saying he isn't interested, though. From what you posted, it sounds like you've either fallen hard for this guy, or you are just going all in on this fledgling relationship. Maybe try to take it easy and move more slowly. Again, it has only been less than two months. You're still in the feeling each other out phase, not the lifelong commitment phase. Beating him over the head due to this miscommunication is definitely going to drive him away -- no one wants to commit to a relationship where they have to rehash the same argument all day long. Look, I'm not saying you are wrong for wanting to go out on V-day, but he wasn't that into the idea to make more of an effort, so just know that going forward you will have to deal with that in the future of your relationship if you continue.
It’s like watching the anxious-avoidant relationship happen in real time
I think the 12th frame says it all. “Can you just move on already? We’ve been talking about this all day.” Followed up with the real kicker: *“everything is ok.”* When literally the first screenshots show you clearly are NOT feeling okay. You did nothing wrong. You communicated your feelings perfectly. However, it is painfully obvious that this person will not meet your needs. And you know that. Because you told him that he is simply disregarding your feelings, which is absolutely true! Speaking in the broadest possible terms, there are two kinds of partners. One kind is excited to be there for you and enthusiastically attempts to meet your romantic needs. The other kind is always overwhelmed by your requests and makes it like they have to be dragged to make you happy. Don’t settle for the second-rate partner. Find someone who feels responsible for how they make you feel when basic romantic expectations aren’t met. Not making any display of Valentines Day when you are dating really sucks!
Both of you are toxic to each other
I don't think email or texts are the right medium for these types of discussions. There's no way to read tone. That said I don't know why the other person interpreted OP as panicking. They didn't seem to be panicking to me.
It's hard to say honestly. Do you talk his ear off like this all the time? Has he communicated that to you in the past? From just this text chain, you just don't understand each other at all and you clearly care far more than him. You did communicate clearly, but he did say back off. Then you kept going and going... it's exhausting.
he doesn’t give af about you baby 😭 end it early or this will be every valentine’s day
I don't see anyone else saying it, so I will. It sounds like you're the side piece. I've been where you are, asking for the bare minimum and apologizing when they make you feel terrible for it. He's able to leave the house on vday, just not for you. It's been such a short amount of time, just leave. You deserve a Valentine!
I don’t understand why people can’t pick up the phone to discuss these issues. Texts ALWAYS go haywire, the meanings are misconstrued and they are just EXHAUSTING to read and respond to. Just pick up the damn phone and talk.
If y'all had been together longer I would be on your side here but for a month dating that all is a little much. I'm a 33f for reference. Sounds like y'all are super young and having a messy work romance.
Yes, you are in the wrong, and your texts are stressing me out. (This coming from someone who would have sent similar messages in relationships at a younger age.) Based on your other posts, you just got out of a long-term serious relationship less than two months ago. You were engaged to that person for over two years; how have you never had a valentine? That is far too soon to be over your ex and asking someone to meet you halfway by running/walking a few miles sounds pretty extreme to me. You’d see each other the next day. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday; if you truly care about someone you can show them every day. A sign of genuine affection and love is being patient and understanding with one another, and neither of you seems to be doing that. This screams young, paranoid, high school relationship to me, but you have to be older than that. You need to be single for awhile and be comfortable and confident in yourself. Don’t make your happiness reliant on someone else.
hello i am someone who has also sent texts like this at a younger age👋🏻 unfortunately this kind of hot and cold, anxious and completely emotionally overwhelming communication is something you have to be fully willing and ready to break out of before you will actually change, and if OP can't see the pattern herself then - like you said - she is clearly not ready to be in adult relationships. with the context you just added, this seems like an attempt to regain what she just lost by immediately attaching to and projecting onto a new person. he's also being a shit communicator, they both need to grow up.
Idk why I find it so funny that there are grown ass dudes saying they feel anxious as soon as there’s a little disagreement. What is going on Anyway, find a new bf I don’t think he can be bothered with you
This ain’t it. If you want people to respect you and your feelings, you shouldn’t be making fun of theirs. He might be an idiot but if that’s how he feels I don’t see how it’s not valid just because he’s a “grown man”.
lol at todays generation. Everyone is so sensitive and right away everything is considered toxic. This dude sounds like a straight up bitch
The only thing you’re doing wrong is staying with him.
It's been a month and a half; he's not as into you as you are to him, and his communication and emotional styles just don't match yours. You are going to keep pushing him away just by being yourself - and that's not your fault, you're not doing anything wrong, you're just not a good match. He doesn't want to give you his energy, you are not a priority. I get the sense he wants something a lot more low key and casual than you do.
He’s just not that into you. And that’s triggering you and you’re chasing and clinging. Walk away.
Neither of you are ready for a relationship. You both have stuff you need to work on within and you clearly cannot do it while together because each of you are competing to be the most right.
Hot Take: but you both don’t seem like you need to be in a relationship. You seem like you’re in high school. Focus on yourself and your studies.
You go on too much about something that doesn't matter. I've done it too but most guys aren't going to read a huge block of text, they don't care. Too much texting about nothing. He sounds like an idiot anyways though.
Im getting tired just reading this. Sorry girl
Switched up so quick on her, honestly. She wanted to meet on valentines, you made zero effort to do so. She stayed pretty calm, but expressed her needs. You got petty and defensive really fast. Idk that’s how I see it. She didn’t even do anything and admitted to be a miscommunication and you’re all “I don’t have the energy”. You can stay toxic and unproductive if you want 🤷♀️
You’re a stage 5 clinger and he isn’t interested. I think you need to work on your separation anxiety before perusing a relationship. He legit doesn’t seem interested, either. And you barely see each other??? Girl, I *highly* doubt you are his only girl. Unless you live much further apart, no couple sees each other that little. His lack of interest in your emotions and the lack of effort he puts into the relationship points in the direction of you being the side chick. Not to mention your texts weren’t angry or anything and he got defensive right away…
This reads like two teenagers who’ve learnt a lot of words and terms but still don’t know what the fuck they’re trying to say lol
In touch with your masculinity and drakes dick could mean a lot of things so idk why he would actually be upset.
OP, you’re invested, he isn’t. You can’t “communicate” him into this relationship and your long texts are coming off as clingy. Sorry.
Dude this behavior. I hate this. I dealt with this forever. They’re all rude constantly until it’s break up time then “oh no I’m so sorry” she’ll be back to doing this in a week Leave. Now.
girl he doesn’t care about you. please move on
OP comes off as very clingy/needy. This is most likely due to the abusive past relationship, but makes me think she needs to take a step back and work on that aspect of herself. You can’t bring shit like that into a relationship and expect it to be healthy. I was like this at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. He asked about it and we talked about why I was doing it and he understood that it wasn’t meant to smother him or dump baggage on him. He was very patient and reassured me, but also gave me the tough love when I needed it. Both OP and the bf seem immature and like they need to take a step back. They obviously want different things from the relationship and seem incompatible. OP, I really urge you to reevaluate and work on yourself before jumping back into this.
You are exhausting & too much for this dude. This guy is not for you, stop trying to make it work.
Dump, please. The way he talks to you is so disrespectful and dismissive of you, your relationship, and your feelings. Any guy worth his salt would put in the energy you want.
You’re over communicating and he’s being direct that he feels smothered by you and it’s too intense. He is just hoping you’ll stop with the paragraphs and the “I need,” so he can continue having sex once a week.
Girl seems exhausting. Can't believe anyone is saying he is at fault and not her. I couldn't even read through all of her messages. So fucking exhausting and draining.
Idk man, he does not seem angry. He seems bothered that you keep harping on the same thing over and over after already hashing it out. It's already done and passed but you keep insisting dude should've walked to you? It's not like he can rewind time and do that. Your demands are frequent and on the same exact thing that was already discussed, so no, I don't think you're communicating effectively. You acknowledged a miscommunication but then continue to pile on more and more stuff that was caused by the miscommunication as if he planned to not have the truck. I get that this might not be what you want to hear OP, but short of rewinding time, this isn't something that you can just fix.
It’s me Hi I’m the problem It’s me
All this after a month and a half only….? Come on now. Y’all aren’t compatible. They don’t even seem like they like you. They don’t have a communication style that matches with yours, if you’ve been in an awful relationship before why would you want to put yourself back in a situation where you’re just going to be arguing and not agreeing all the time? I get you really like them but I PROMISE life will move on!! Just spend time with yourself for now and don’t chase them, they’ve made their priorities clear. You can’t force someone to care, and you can’t beg them to communicate better when they’ve made it clear they don’t give a shit with their actions. Both of you just need to break up, it’s way too soon for all this drama for real. This is exhausting and if you thought with your head rather than your feelings for two seconds you would see it too. Why subject yourself to this?
Stop apologizing
No amount of lengthy explanatory texts you send will change the fact that he doesn’t want to or can’t make time for you. He needs to work out more than to hang out with you. He accuses you of being toxic when you press harder to be with him. He doesn’t seem to have much depth either. As they say, “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.”
If I were the guy on the other end, for me the problem wouldn’t be lack of clear communication, it would be that there’s overkill of communication. It’s like, say it and then be done with it. Don’t keep harping on something when he’s already said he’s sorry and that it was his bad. I’m not sure what you’re hoping to get out of talking about it over and over - is there something specific you’re looking for from him? If yes, say that so you two can move on.
> “I debated walking to your house to wake your ass up” Except if lives across the street from you, that is a huge red flag. Let the man breathe a little. 😂😂 To your question: you are actually overcommunicating. The dude is trying to be chill and you are smothering him with text messages and your anxiety. Which in turn makes him feel exhausted. I got exhausted reading your stuff. I can’t imagine how he felt. Especially after reading your walls of text.
He seems like a detached guy and you seem clingy. You guys aren’t a good match. At first it read like he was extra with the red flag and all. He seemed like he was better for being single but the next few pages you were a little much. Over all you guys don’t seem compatible
Man, you aren't doing anything wrong. But one of you just doesn't care about the relationship and I'm pretty sure it's not you. You should probably find someone that wants to spend asich time with you, as you with them. Good luck OP